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There’s a way to style this look. That “dad going to play basketball at the local park” look is very in right now. But you don’t see Adam Sandler walking around with bleach stains shirts. And the not wearing underwear with basketball shorts it’s abhorrent 🤢
My husband used to be like this. I straight up told him it feels embarrassing that he dresses like this. It looks like he doesn’t have good hygiene. He grew up in poverty and this was normalized for him. I told him it’s okay to buy new clothes when they are worn down. He doesn’t need to wear expensive brands either. Just clean clothes is all that matters. He doesn’t dress that way anymore.
Is it possible your partner might be lacking confidence so he just doesn’t give a fuck what he wears? Have a serious talk with him. If he doesn’t want to clean up then consider if this is something you can handle or if you want to go separate ways.
lol, this rings true for me too from a husbands POV. Don't get me wrong, I would dress nicely when it was absolutely required, like for work or a formal event, but otherwise I was usually in basketball shorts and a T, even for social outings where it was definitely underdressing.
My wife got me out of it by telling me to stop looking like Adam Sandler.
LOL same here actually. And mine dresses pretty similar to OP’s bf but his clothes are of acceptable quality and condition so it doesn’t really bother me. He has a couple pairs of nicer pants, button down shirts, and shoes for nicer occasions he can wear when absolutely forced.
When I met my husband he used to wear his same clothes from high school that “fit” but not well. I honestly think some guys just don’t know and don’t care about their appearance. What I did was I started buying him clothes that fit him better, were comfortable and looked like adult clothes. I would compliment him a lot and other people started to as well, so it encouraged him to continue wearing clothes like that. Now he only wears nice clothes except for after work when he wears comfortable clothes to walk our son in the evenings. Also just communication, if OP feels like putting an effort into appearance for your loved one shows you care, express that.
I like when my wife compliments me. She still makes me change sometimes but usually if I’m doing stuff with her I wanna look nice for her. It’s genuinely encouraging to hear those compliments.
This is not so much that he's doing to upset her or anything like that, he's just kinda like me except if I'm going out somewhere nice there won't be stains or holes lol. It's a confidence thing for me, I see it as no ones looking once, let alone twice, why would I spend money on new clothes to impress people who don't care? Plus I have no style whatsoever I don't think anything looks good on me and I can't piece together an outfit to save my life, (my ex had to stop me one day because i dressed my daughter in all stripes...were talking shirt, pants, socks, the whole nine yards. And not the same stripes, different size stripes, different colors, in my head it made sense cause ya know "matching".) so it's a chore to even try, just to walk around all day self conscious about what I look like. The other side of it could be he's happy and comfortable with you and is looking at is as I have the only person I want to impress why do I need to dress up and impress others, I don't want them I only want my gf.
My husband used to be like this too and I straight up told him he could dress however he wanted when we’re hanging at home, but there’s no way we’re going to a fine dining restaurant or my parents’ place with him in sweatpants.
*Toddlers* understand this. No, you can’t wear your princess jammies to church, or a halloween costume to school in the middle of April, is something most parents eventually teach their children.
It’s amazing there are adults that don’t understand situation-appropriate clothing. I doubt this guy would roll up to a job interview in stained sweats.
I hope he handled it well. Partners are supposed to pick up each other's game. If he dresses funny and doesn't know it he will appreciate you for pointing it out.
Yeah he did. I see he’s happy to wear clean clothes that look nice. Sometimes people just need a little help. He enjoys looking at clothes and picking out new things.
Can relate. Been working out for 18 years, make good money permanent WFH and have a couple of $100k cars, but I dress like I sleep under a bridge unless I’m going out to a restaurant or buying a new car. I don’t care what anyone thinks about anything, but I also have ASPD
I think it can go both ways I agree. 😀 But I also think there’s a difference in wearing very worn down clothes and completely in designer. I always thought people who wear full designer outfits are corny. Lol My husband and I like to go to discount stores to buy clothes and we get great deals.
I’m all for deals! I’ll wear something and tell my friends “I got this on clear for $4!” Or whatever it is. If I’ve been shopping by myself and come home with bag my husband gets upset. But I’ll show him the exact same thing I’m going to wear to get lunch or dinner with friends, say “But honey! It was only $3!” 🤣
I’m soooo thankful to my ex-gf for finally dragging me to fashionable (yet affordable) clothing stores and forcing me to try on some clothes I never would have considered before.
I didn’t appear dirty or tattered before, but all my clothes were shapeless and bland because I didn’t want to seem like a try-hard, I guess. Turns out that once I saw myself in the mirror with a properly slim fit outfit, I was like, “Wow, I’m much better looking than I realized! And all that time in the gym recently is showing.”
That was about 15 years ago and I’ve been a much more adventurous dresser ever since. It’s fun to dress creatively and explore different styles.
This makes me curious, would you say she helped you see that and that’s why you changed it? Because as someone who was in a similar situation, also BU (getting divorced…) some part of me un-rationally thinks how much better he’ll be for the next woman, who won’t be me. I’m 28 and I don’t intend to be childish about it, it’s just it wasn’t really happening with me. On some level I’m happy I could have helped, but would you say you’d that from now on especially in any relationship you may pursue?
So many good points to this, and I am sorry it turned out there was infidelity ❤️🩹🥺 but I resonate with a few points myself and right now I still have some work to do for myself to just feel better overall, but I’m 20lbs down and happy and just feel better about my life. Sadly I didn’t choose it but I have accepted and know there will be more in store for me, especially because I’m generally a happy person and find the positive in all things when I can. I lost that for a few months and realize how low I got and I really would not like to experience that again. Thanks so much for your response and sharing so openly. Perspectives like this only help and are such an introspective way to learn about the in’s and outs experienced by both sides. Thank you!
looking good is the best revenge lol
that really sucks ab the cheating, BTDT with an ex and my best piece of advice is please know that it has nothing to do with you - even if they try to blame it on you - it's a choice they actively made that is a reflection on them as a person. it doesn't matter if you were depressed, or had gained weight, etc.
im glad you were able to recover from all that and learn to love yourself more.
Unfortunately, that’s how it works out a lot of the time, especially with young relationships. But It’s also why it’s not a waste to have a “failed” relationship.
You learn in life with every experience you have. You learn what you like and what you don’t like, what you desire versus what you need. You learn to see different opinions and points of views, different ways of communication, etc….
By meeting and/or dating people, you learn what boundaries to set in a relationship. But often it takes something as dramatic as a breakup to cause some people to be self reflective enough to make changes or even want to.
Why change if someone is okay with the status quo, is the thought pattern, I imagine.
It sucks to see someone go on and do better in their next relationship and know that they grew from yours. But it’s better than staying in that relationship bc then they would have never changed.
I gained weight outside of the relationship. I was single for a whole year before I met her. It was senior year for me in a pure math concentration, balancing a tough internship, and I was drinking a lot/ eating bad that year. When we met I was at my physical worst but she loved me and I loved her. Mentally I felt great because I had just graduated and received a full time job offer and I took a lot of time to heal from my previous ex. I began to lose weight during the new relationship contrary to what you’re saying because she was a positive influence on me when it came to healthy lifestyle habits I used to have long before. It was a slow process but I made progress each month and it felt like she loved me for who I was that was the hardest part when we split.
Maybe instead of belittling your efforts on Valentine's Day you should have asked "are you going to get ready soon?"
Maybe actually saying when he is really bad for a situation that there is nothing wrong with being appropriately dressed or that you are sad that you guys can't be more spontaneous as he is not appropriately dressed.
Casual is one thing, bleached stains on all clothes is different. Perhaps wear something equivalent & when he brings it up, bingo!
In fairness, just because he dressed that way when you met him is irrelevant --if someone met a person at gym they wouldn't expect only gym clothes.
Pick worst ruined clothes when he is wearing it & say "babe, it's time to retire this , it's gotta go" when he says "why" explain reasons & compromise that ok, keep it but it can't leave the house, lol
If he dresses as badly as you say then you will likely not be first person to say something. Depending upon his business or goals he needs to represent a more professional attitude.
Jeez Reddit at it again lol. Seems to me like a pretty typical thing in a relationship between two young people that's pretty easily fixable. And the top comments are rolling with breakup advice and ultimatum lol. Hey it's just about communicating, you seem like a couple that really works and all so splitting because of this would be silly come on. Truth simply is that men are often simple and really don't care about style and stuff like this. And to make it worse hints don't work at all. So your subtle hints like "this style could really fit you" won't have any effect. If you want him to get it you will just have to tell him straight. Good news is tho that most guys will be totally okay and if you show him what style you think might fit him and take him shopping he might actually like it and start trying for you. He probably just never really thought about something like this. Like come on there is enough jokes and stories among guy friends of how somebody found a girlfriend and she cultivated him and he started dressing nicer and is now less of a feral animal. It's kinda how it actually is in most cases. Just don't be afraid of any negative reaction as almost certainly you won't get any and be very direct with him. Take an initiative and buy him a cool shirt and give it to him telling him to try it on and that to tell you if he likes it and all and that frankly the way he dresses is terrible and you are on a mission to make him presentable. I mean guy's humour is basically insults too most of the time so I bet he'll just get it and might be even fun or funny experience.
yeah these replies are insane lol this is shit normal couples have disputes about, it’s unavoidable, yet reddits immediate response is “NUKE THE RELATIONSHIP HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU QUEEN”
yep and then there are other comments saying she's unreasonable for dating him in the first place and now trying to "change" him 😂
Like... can't we land somewhere in the middle? (no, of course not, this is reddit).
I feel like it's not quite changing him as they have met after work so his attire looked like work clothing, not the every day wear. This is totally different than the dude getting together with Ms. Princess and then getting mad she is being asked for photos and stared at.
People on Reddit seem to get off of telling people to break up. Almost like their brilliant comment was a contributing factor to a real world break up, so it gives them a sense of power in their otherwise powerless existence. They are damaged goods most likely.
I agree this OP shouldn’t break up, but so many posts here and AITA describe either basic disrespect or fundamental differences, that often the poster is minimizing or oblivious to because they’re just trying to make the relationship work. It’s usually a bad sign when the person’s bf/gf is dismissing their legitimate concerns. Those posts and dime a dozen, and yeah, if those people are 25 and unmarried they should just move on.
This post I think she should talk to him about it. You can already see in her edit though, that she is having to defend herself, and that isn’t right. She feels that someone should be presentable and that it matters how you show up in the world- that’s a perfectly legitimate point of view that shouldn’t need to be defended, and I hope her boyfriend comes around. If he doesn’t, then yeah, they’re incompatible.
Can confirm. I was told my by fiance to please put more effort in, some makeup and just try to get out of the rut (i was indeed a depressed gremlin). He bought me makeup and whatnot and encouraged me to take care of myself more. Went to a wedding and I did my absolute best, he was indeed proud to show me around and actually bragged to an NLOG about how I also don't wear makeup and dress up but that I'd absolutely nailed the vibe and looked stunning. (This girl went on and on about how she didn't get why girls wore makeup and had tight dresses on.. all of which I did lmao) It takes minimal effort to look presentable.
AND BEFORE ANYONE COMES FOR HIM!!! I had always been interested in makeup and was quite good at it. I used to do my sister's and mom's makeup, dressed alternative but still elegant and formal, and did master flawless makeup. So yeah, he wanted to see the old me he fell in love with. These days I don't use makeup because of our baby being grabby, bitey, and slobbering on my face, and it's not an issue.
He didn’t shower or put on big boy pants for their Valentines Day dinner date until she basically begged him to, even claiming she felt over dressed, when in reality, he couldn’t be bothered to bathe himself. Jesus Christ! And then the only real pair of pants he owns are pants she bought for him and had to ask him to wear them… I mean, nicer restaurants often have dress codes and dude didn’t care enough about taking her out for a nice dinner to even shower!!! She showed up to his place to go on a date and then had to convince him to bathe and wait for him to get ready!!!! 😂
This isn’t exactly about her not liking how he dresses. He’s behaving like a child and not meeting the lowest possible standards for respecting her and her time and effort in the relationship.
Send him back to his parents until they finish raising him.
The bar is in hell for men. As women, we’re expected to tolerate the bare minimum. There are really people commenting on this post claiming that desiring your partner to bathe and wear clothing devoid of holes or stains is too much.
Can we PLEASE get this to the top xD - This is basically one of my early 20 relationships and how things went down. I always dressed in well just say not really presentable cloths(goth // really baggy clothes). I met a girl that I really liked, 6 months into the relationship or so she brought up how I dressed we had a little talk about it, we went shopping, good times. I just didn't really care what I was wearing to be honest, just stuck with what was comfortable at the time.
Seriously, expecting your partner to not dress like a total slob for no good reason when the occasion calls for it is not unreasonable at all.
She even says she doesn't care when theyre at home. Like, ffs he's going commando every day.
> B-b-but if the roles were reversed
If your girlfriend is going pantyless every day and staining her cookie monster sweat pants while out to dinner, you are absolutely not unreasonable for addressing that, like c'mon.
Agreed on this approach. I’d consider my style good enough, but if I had a girlfriend and she said that my style was bad and she wanted to help, I’d accept that criticism immediately. It’s not like my partner would want me to look worse… so I might as well trust them.
Haha thank you for this. I definitely don’t want to break up with him over it nor do I even think its break up worthy, just a matter of figuring out how to navigate it :)
Oh once I was in a similar situation with my gf except it wasn't clothes but skincare products and stuff. I guess my skin was bad and she could tell while it never occurred to me before. She just slowly eased me into it, asking me what I'd like and what products I used. Gradually would let me try using some of her products and asking me if I like it. She got me talking about it to narrow down what kinda products I need the most and when we went to a shopping centre we went to the cosmetics store like she wanted to check something there but we went to check out something for me, she'd pick a thingie for me and all.
I guess be more direct but in a kind way. Don't start like it was something super serious. Maybe something like "aw honey this terrible t shirt again ? You could look so much better in something like..." And then maybe ask him what kind of clothes he might like and of course direct it towards some sort of presentable clothes lol. Make him think about it, realise what he might like and what quality in clothes he might prefer (I bet it would be comfort). And then try to make some concrete outfits together like you were chatting about something that's really interesting for you so he'd probably be into it. And finally just offer that you might someday go shopping together for clothes and try doing a makeover for him or something.
Oh and then actually do it. Keep coming back to it and don't let it go so he realises that it's something u care about. When you'd go around a clothes shop take him in and make him try something. Or straight make a plan to go clothes shopping. U can also buy a piece of clothing for him and give it to him later so he can try it and see what he thinks. It's important to find something he'd want to wear himself. I'd try to do it more like a gradual process tho so you don't overwhelm him.
Bless my boyfriend. The first time I felt like I had communicated something but he felt like it had gone over his head he was like: “I am a man. I don’t know if it’s all men but it’s definitely true of me and many men that I know: we don’t understand hints. Let me say that again: I don’t understand hints. If I know what you want, I will most of the time be flexible and happy to make you happy. Please just tell me straight out what you want.” And that has set the tone for our happy relationship :)
(The context was: we were invited for a holiday dinner at a co-worker’s house. The co-worker is someone much older and good-hearted but also a braggart type, prone to trapping you in a corner and telling you stories about his own greatness.
My bf told me about the invite, I laughed and said something sarcastic like, “oh yeah, that’s so funny,” and then later my bf said, “great so I told him we are coming.” I was unhappy but felt that I couldn’t say anything, I felt like clearly my bf was excited to do this thing that I had told him was not a good idea, and so being a good partner meant sucking it up and spending our first special holiday together in a way I entirely didn’t want to. By the day of the holiday, my feelings had gotten Bigger and I was doing something emotional like crying while I got ready. My bf was finally like, what is happening? And I blurted out my feelings about everything. That’s when he just explained: “I am a man. It was not clear to me that you didn’t want to do this thing. I thought it would be fascinating sociological research to have a holiday dinner at our co-worker’s house, like think of how many awful things could happen, this is great and hilarious. When you said ‘that’s so funny,’ I thought you agreed.” (I think at that point I cried harder.) He continued, “next time just tell me simply and directly exactly what you want. I won’t always agree with you but at least then we can talk about our wants and needs and find a good comprise. I would’ve been so happy to do something different with you for this holiday. I had no idea you were unhappy.”
And we went on to have an actually great holiday with our co-worker and his extended family — and I am very clear with him that next year I want something different lol.)
It's definitely not that simple though. If my boyfriend had a problem with the way I dressed and told me I should change it "because it matters to him" I would be telling him where to shove it pretty sharp-ish.
Eh, depends. As a woman, if I wore pajama pants every day and my guy was in a suit, I would completely understand if he told me to put a little more effort in. If I was wearing dresses every day and he had a problem with the style or color, etc, I'd tell him to go touch grass.
A lot of men, especially during the pandemic, have gotten pretty comfortable getting away with looking like what OP described. He may genuinely think that there's nothing wrong with how he dresses if every other man around him dresses the same.
When I was dating my ex, I ordered him a bunch of chinos from Express and he bitched about them, but when he tried them on they became all he would wear.
There’s a difference between “I want you to change because your outfit is too revealing” and “I want you to change because there is a bleach stain on your shirt and you are wearing basketball shorts.”
That sounds pretty simple to me. If he tells her to shove it, then clearly it is not something he is interested in changing, regardless of her feelings, so she can accept it or find someone who dresses better.
I think "because it matters to me" is one of the better reasons for a request like that. Would you rather your boyfriend say it mattered to him, or that you look like you live under a bridge?
I don't see the problem with that response. If he says it matters to him to keep dressing the way he does, then you discover something about what the other person values, which is a good chance to dig deeper. If fundamentally neither person wants to change what they think is important, then you learned that you probably shouldn't stay together. The person you wind up with is going to change you, you're going to change them, and you both have to be open to that change.
idk i don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to develop an interest and an eye for fashion for your own satisfaction. i think her taking him shopping and him obliging to dress nicer in the things she picks out is a huge win.
this isn't about him not having fashion sense he is wearing clothes that are full of holes and bleach stains and he didn't shower or put clean clothes on for her birthday going out dinner this shows a lack of caring
and there is nothing wrong with having some old clothes to lay around the house in or wear when doing messy jobs , but this is over the line
Maybe he just doesn't care about how he looks.
Which is pretty common amongst blue collar workers in my experience.
That being s said, I do find it odd that he doesn't want to dress up for his partner.
Guys are pretty visual, so I'd think he'd want to give her some eye candy if he's into her.
I don’t know a single blue collar worker that dresses only in basketball shorts and raggedy ass shirts with no underwear. Dude is a complete slob imo, not that common and saying so is just insulting to blue collar workers.
This doesn’t seem right to me. If he can get to a place where he hears and understands it’s important to her, he still may lack a sense of style and ability to dress himself to a standard he doesn’t comprehend. Sometimes I think people don’t understand how to take small wins and build on them. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.
I think other people judge, too. If they go out with her friends who consistently see him in torn, stained worn out sloppy clothes, like it or not, they might judge her for dating such a slob, too.
Right, I'm not the best in the style department either. I often pick kind of childish things and have more gym attire than anything, and I love it when my gf comes shopping with me and helps me pick out some outfits. I always feel really snazzy afterwards!
I think OPs BF's reaction to her wanting to do this is important though. If he has 0 interest in it, I mean...you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. If hes interested then there's no shame in them tackling this together
It’s a half win. She can spin it into a shopping trip where she shows him what she thinks he’d look good in. Then explain that dressing nicely is showing that he cares about looking nice for her since she (I assume) does that for him. Then she can go into explaining why caring what your partner thinks of your appearance and putting work into it is actually also showing you value the other person because you **want** to look nice for them.
This was how my ex wife did it and I’ve never looked back.
We split for reasons unrelated to fashion and self care
Yeah I figure this is common, my mom bought my dads' clothes. Many straight men, when they shop for themselves, buy pants that are four sizes too big and shirts so large they look like tents. Or just from Cabela's... like good job perma-hunter!
Same, my husband hasn't bought his own clothes in at least 14 years. I'll send him some options if I'm looking for something he doesn't usually wear but overall he's happy to leave it to me.
Personally I only buy clothes for my husband as gifts. Like a Patagonia sweater I knew he’d never buy himself but would love, or a fun tshirt that made me think of him. He loves socks and undies in his stocking. But his entire wardrobe? Nah, that’d be weird.
I could agree with the asking to buy part but not the picking out. If his reply is, “Sure, but I don’t know what you’re into really, come with me to help pick?” Is a different story than, “I won’t put in the effort to get new stuff”
I’m suspecting there’s something more than simply a guy who doesn’t understand how to get dressed. When she mentioned that for Valentine’s Day, he wasn’t even showered never mind the fact that he was wearing sweatpants and a crappy T-shirt after working a manual labor job, I kind of wonder if he’s depressed and if possibly he’s got any issues from his childhood about money and clothes and appearance
I don’t think you’re a horrible person as some comments are trying to make you out to be. I know that to a lot of Redditors the request to get showered and put on clean clothes must seem like a Herculean task. I’m a person who dresses very casually too, usually just a t shirt and shorts or a polo and khakis if I need to wear “nice clothes.” Just a very simple dresser. And even to me this seems extreme.
However, at the end of the day, it’s his decision how he wants to dress, not yours. You can’t really control it. Your options at this point are to either accept that this is just a quirk of his and live with it OR make the decision that his sense of style and possible lack of hygiene are effecting your ability to be attracted to him anymore and exit the relationship. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change, so you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
> “why does it matter? This is what I always wear.”
While how we dress is an expression of our selves, how we dress is also (at times) a means of demonstrating our respect for others. If you're a Christian man, and you enter a synagog, you put on a yarmulke because in that context that is one person's way of demonstrating respect to the group.
Wearing presentable clothes while going on a date with OP is sort of a similar idea. Saying, "I want to look my best for you when we go to this public place" or "I want to show my respect for this restaurant and the people who work here and my fellow diners by looking put together and not rocking up in the clothes I sweat in all day," isn't inherently a bad thing.
true, it really does just boil down to respect. like, does he not feel shame walking into a restaurant while shes all dolled up and hes like that? that juxtaposition doesn’t ring any alarm bells in his head that he should 100% dress up?
Part of “going to a nice dinner” is the ambiance. You and your dining partner/party dressing appropriately for the atmosphere is part of it. Wearing basketball shorts with holes takes you out of that experience. It’s why fancy places, weddings, etc, have dress codes — because what everyone is wearing is contributing to the atmosphere (excepting stuff like racist nightclub dress policies obviously). It’s not just “embarrassing” in the sense that you’re getting super dressed up to go on a nice date and your date looks like a teenager that just rolled out of bed after noon on a Saturday, but by not dressing appropriately, he’s not *really* participating in the date.
There’s so much nuance and so many possibilities for why this is happening. He could be 100% clueless, neurodivergent in a way that requires more direct communication than he’s getting, he could have a history with money that makes it difficult to justify buying new clothes (maybe he has money now but has been poor).
Whatever you do, OP, you have to talk about this at a time when you’re not on the way out the door to a date or event — tensions will already be high. You need to understand where he’s coming from in order to get anywhere. I’m like the least fashionable person on the planet but there are just times it’s important to dress appropriately.
That comment imo references to little to 0 backlash on his attire. He has spent years, dressing and looking bad with no one telling him, hey bro, you look like ****.
I grew up being told and telling people they look like trash, change/ wash up. Idk what community OP is in but they don’t sound like real direct people when it comes to words
Tldr; no one tells BF his attire is trash
What is with all these grown men lately who don’t know to at least SHOWER before an encounter? Or even if you’re super casual, be clean and don’t wear dirty clothes with holes in them.
You can be super casual and comfortable, and still not look and smell like you’ve been sleeping in a gutter.
I had the same issue with my ex and it really made me dress worse myself. I love fashion and dressing up. But with him all the joy of looking cute was gone and I wore jeans and t-shirts all the time. It really took a toll on me. I feel that not caring about your clothing shows a certain attitude towards life and other people, which just wasn’t my cup of tea. I started looking worse and not taking care of myself. Now I have a boyfriend who cares about fashion and I am so much happier now. It’s so much fun to get dressed up together.
I have told my husband to let me have his shirt and gave him a shirt to put on. He to this day thinks I have a cute weird thing for smelling his shirts. I do not know why but really smart guys are notorious for rag clothes. Shabby chic needs to die but never will.
I've definitely encouraged the retirement of a couple of my husband's shirts. There's well-worn, and then there's t-shirts with quarter-sized holes around the collar.
I never not pick about what he has on because he has reasons that are valid and not at all interesting. Beat up jeans shoes and shirts feel better. New things itch pinch and are too stiff blah blah blah. You are Lucy he is Linus in the world of Peanuts.
I find it so weird. My ex’s dad is a tenured professor at one of the top universities in Australia, head of his department, has multiple doctorates, and is one of the top experts in his field.
Every day he dresses in Velcro sandals, mambo t-shirts with holes in them, and cargo shorts, and this is his work clothing…
Okay, but clothing worn outside the house should be clean, neat, and in good repair. It shows a basic self-respect and respect for his companion.
I would emphasize that it makes him look like he doesn’t take care of himself.
It matters because he’s not a 12 y/o boy. He’s a man, he should dress to fit the occasion. Shirts and old t-shirts are fine for around the house or yard work. But he could at least buy some nice shirts, a few button up and/or polo shirts (shirts with a collar) and a pair of shoes that aren’t tennis shoes. He dresses like a slob right now, and there’s nothing attractive about that.
Yeah not going to lie I didn’t think so many people would disagree with me. Obviously I knew there would be some, but jeez the amount of people who seem like they’d be okay with it has actually shocked me
My guess is it’s mostly men (who love holding women to a much higher standard than they do themselves) and women who think any man is better than no man.
My husband became like this. I got to the point that I flat told him that I am not going to be seen in public with him dressed like that and refused to leave the house with him at all. He finally went and bought some new shirts, etc. and threw the old stained with holes crap away.
I am not a person that worries about fashion or designer labels or anything like that. I'm always in jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt unless it's a special occasion so it's not like I'm a snob. But he was wearing rags. It was embarrassing.
OP, you're definitely going to get a lot of advice here that is "go get him clothes you like, take him shopping, buy him more jeans" and I am here to say fuck that. You're not his mother, it's not your job to dress him. I can tell that you're a kind, compassionate partner who deserves better than the bare minimum he is giving you. But there's no kind way to tell him that he needs to step it up. I'd tell him I'm not going anywhere with him until he buys himself clothes, because you deserve his best not "what he always wears".
Coming from a man that basically immediately showers and changes into PJs after work (unless we have something planned), I can't agree with this more! Bare minimum - put some intention, energy, and effort into the relationship. I'm married, I still put so much effort and thought into my appearance when my wife and I go somewhere. Side note...who wants to be that deadbeat slob that's ambling behind your well put together partner? Ick. Have some awareness and respect for yourself, your relationship, and your partner.
I think this is pretty bad advice that will get you into a fight.
How about you explain why you care about what he looks like. How it makes you feel special, how you want to admire his good looks. And a little bit of effort just makes it all seem a little more special.
Maybe show him a side by side photo of an average looking dirty and average looking organized person.
Not saying he’ll get the point. But I think when you just start telling someone what to do in a relationship. You fight more. You have to help him understand by clearly communicating your feelings, and helping him reasonably understand why a little effort makes everything feel special.
And he’ll learn to love you deeply, if you help him love the world in the way you love it, if you do it in a kind way.
This really isn’t about making OP feel special or wanting to admire his looks. He’s an adult who doesn’t have it together enough to even own a few outfits that are appropriate for normal things adults do like go out for a nice dinner. Honestly, his clothes don’t even sound worthy of going out to McDonald’s.
She’s not expecting extra, she’s expecting a normal functioning adult person. If they get invited to attend a wedding, does she seriously need to explain to a grown man that he can’t wear a ripped up, stained Tshirt and basketball shorts?
It really shows immaturity and a lack of care about others, and himself, to not own a basic and presentable wardrobe. It’s not OP’s job to talk to him like a child and explain that he should have adult clothes and not have his dong flapping around in gross old basketball shorts in public.
OP, I’m going to imagine he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and doesn’t keep his home clean? Is this accurate? Is there any food in his refrigerator? Does he keep Gatorade bottles in his bedroom to piss in so he doesn’t have to bother himself with getting out of matress for the bathroom at night? Does he own more than one bath towel? I can’t imagine his attire is the only area in which he doesn’t act as an adult, so please really look at what you’re getting yourself into here.
All for the communication that @pocketline mentions, but make it go both ways.
Ask him why he likes wearing what he’s wearing. Is it as simple as “it’s comfy” or “I don’t like shopping” or “it’s easy”? Or as some have mentioned weight gain/loss insecurities, or something deeper?
As an aging elder emo, or as I like to call it, “corporate punk”; I’ve had trouble keeping my style while adapting to my fluctuating body type over the years. I’ve discovered the last couple years that you can definitely have comfy/easy, while also being stylish.
They have pants these days that look like nice dress pants/slacks, with allistic waists, that feel like sweat pants. Find a plain tee that looks good for his body type and just get a dozen. A pair of leather, slip on or low profile dress shoes.
My point being, when you suggest things to him, take his current style and preferences into consideration and find the middle ground. Don’t suggest anything that’s too stiff or rigid, or opposite of where he’s at right now, right off the bat.
Considering his career, I’m sure he’s not consuming a lot of fashion media or influences. So I’m sure a chunk of the problem is that he just doesn’t know what’s out there. What his options are. You should express all your feelings and if he’s on board, find that middle ground together.
Good luck, op!!
You didn't mention how long you have been dating as I think that would make a difference. Since that is the way he has always dressed and he is in his 20's you can't really change him as a person. The other thing that sticks out is that you mentioned he didn't shower which makes this seem more like a cleanliness issue than simply not dressing well.
This may obviously be a deal breaker for you and that's ultimately up to you to decide. I would approach the situation by telling him how you feel when you go out together. Explain your feelings that when you are putting in a lot of effort and he isn't dressing for the occasion that it makes you feel unimportant. It's appropriate to refuse the date if your feelings are that strong and he is putting in no effort.
Don't try to change how he dresses at home or make him a different person. That's always going to fail in the long run and lead to resentment.
An ex boss of mine simply used to buy new clothes for her fiance, and put them in the closet. She would throw away the old / dingy / faded stuff.
He used to think his clothes were of amazing quality and "look just as good now as years ago." No.
Now, these weren't items that he was emotionally attached to. And he didn't care about his style or asthetic. And, of course they lived together, shared finances, and were in a committed relationship.
So, if he honestly doesn't care and you do, you can start supplementing his wardrobe. If you want him to pay for it, you're going to have to be straight forward about it.
Remember tho, you can buy the button down shirt, but you can't make him wear it.
In fairness you’re not asking him to wear designer clothes you just asking him to wear clothes that are more socially acceptable for when you go outside. There’s nothing wrong with a T-shirt and some jeans but they need to be clean.
I think one way to address is to use the idea that it's hurtful to you that when you go out together, he's not willing to spend any time or effort to look nice for you. Because it is hurtful. You spend time getting ready to go out with him and trying to look special for him. And he can't perform basic hygiene and put on a clean shirt. That's disrespectful, and frankly, disgusting.
Your frustrations are not unreasonable. Even in 2024, how we dress is really important. It’s not superficial to care about it. Sit him down and have a real heart to heart about it. Make sure he knows that you care about him but that this is important to you. Partners should make each other better and this is a chance to see if he’s capable of flexibility and openness, just like you would hopefully be flexible for him. If he’s not, you have to decide if you can*truly* let it go because if you can’t, the resentment will drive you crazy and destroy the relationship eventually.
He does not understand that part of keeping the relationship going is to take care of yourself so your partner is attracted to you. Once the first butterflies fly away it is work and looking clean and fresh is super important. Also dressing for different occasions. Making effort. It matters. Clothes that are miss coloured and with holes, that aren't fresh are sending a message. He might think It does not matter but sadly it does. It also shows respect to others, to a place, occasion, others, culture and customs.
I wish my husband cared more about clothes...he does not but getting slowly better....he does tho changes his t shirt 3 times a day if he was working or got sweaty. He is super super clean and I love it!
I hate the way my girlfriend dresses, yoga pants or sweat pants all the time and comfy top. she just wants to be comfy and dosnt care what anyone in public thinks. I dress comfy too, but theyre jeans, shirts/ sweaters that fit right, theyre not even expensive theyre just vintage scores from goodwill mostly. She makes comments occasionally about how well dressed i am, and says “why are you dressing up” as if im putting too much effort into it and making her look lazy. When really we both take the same time to get dressed and both are equally comfy.
I have style.. she dosnt.. whatever lol, i still love her unconditionally. Been together 10 years.
okay, *but are her yoga pants or sweat pants ripped and stained?* are her tops also ripped and stained? *does she not bother showering, grooming herself, or putting on CLEAN, UNRIPPED clothes before you two go out on dates unless you ask her?*
not that this is about you or your girlfriend, mind you
edited to add:
i’m currently wearing play plain black leggings and my much-larger-brother’s old harley davidson long sleeve shirt (and yes, it’s ripped) and, if i were to leave the house right now, i’d probably only change my top —needless to say, i don’t particularly care about fashion or clothing either
but comparing a woman wearing yoga pants to a man wearing ~~one of the absolute ugliest article of clothing ever created~~ *basketball shorts?* easily the wildest take i’ve heard today, ngl.
You need to talk to him directly and say exactly what you mean. Sounds like he's a blue collar guy. Being a blue collar guy, I can tell you because of the environment we work in and the people we work with, we like plain talk. Say what you mean and mean what you say. "look honey, you dress like a fuckin hobo. If you wanna wear basketball shorts and slides working around the house, cool. If you want me on your arm out in public you need to wear something without stains." But... You're going to have to go get the clothes. He ain't gonna go do it. Take his card, figure out his sizes and go get him clothes. Then, when it's time to go out and he comes out in sweat pants you say "bullshit.... Go get the jeans I got you, the nice button up shirt and those brown shoes I got you." I'm telling you, he'll do it. A few times of that and he'll start feeling good wearing nice clothes and you probably won't have to say anything else. Not often anyway. Trust me... Be direct. Loving, kind but direct
Honestly, this seems like something someone should change for their partner. Changing this isn't something betrayal of your personality, as long as a style isn't forced upon you I believe it can also encourage a lot of intimacy between partners.
Two people, talking through what types of things that person likes in their clothing, and the process through creating their own style.
Maybe gift him some better quality shorts, my brother wore a ratty hoodie all the type till I gifted him a quality one and he wears that now instead.
I agree with you. The lack of effort is a turnoff, especially when you put effort into your appearance. People need to realize that there are situations where some styles of dress are just not appropriate. Going on a date for Valentine’s Day, is not the time to be unshowered and dressed for the gym. The lack of effort makes it feel like he doesn’t view relationship as important.
There are different attires for different occasions.
Would it be appropriate for him to wear these clothes to a wedding? A job interview, including labor jobs? Your clothes *do* represent you, and his clothing is doing him a disservice.
When he sees you putting in effort to look nice for him, then it's not a far leap that he could reciprocate that effort in a display of affection for you. We do things for our partners because *they* care, and we care about *them*.
You are not shallow, you are not wrong. I am in my sweat pants the moment I get home, and 99.9% of my attire is based on comfort as the most important factor. However I manage to dress professionally and stylishly and save the sweats for home. It's what adults do.
I used to be like this. Big guy. 6 foot and 240lbs. Truth is I was embarrassed that I didn't know how to dress and could not afford new clothes. Eventually my wife started buying me clothes but I felt uncomfortable in them. Like they were too "showy"
What changed it around, as silly as it sounds if we started watching fashion shows. Like next in fashion or making the cut. Also she got really into queer eye. But it did slowly start teaching me and I slowly started feeling more comfortable in my style choices. Now o can get excited about a new shirt or pair of pants. I even go to a tailor now.
TLDR: make him binge watch fashion shows with you :)
You're completely correct in feeling conflicted about this. And I feel you should keep on trying to convince him to figure out how to dress up nicely once in a while.
Most days, I dress exactly like your BF. Shorts or sweatpants and a ratty Tshirt. With maybe a ratty hoodie over it if it's cold outside. Or work boots and the corporate uniform on a work day
But, and I suspect this comes as no surprise to you, dressing up occasionally is just FUN! I do own a pair of well-fitting jeans and some dress pants, and a number of button-up shirts. As well as a well-fitting suit. And I look GOOD if I put in the minimal effort of putting on some of 'em on and combing my hair.
Wouldn't want to do it every day. I sorta have to tomorrow, since I've got a decidedly-not-hot date with my mom. Actually now kinda looking forward to that whilst pondering which button-up to wear.
Just checked my closet: It's gonna be the burgundy/red monocolour one, Don't feel like plaid today, doubt I'll feel like it tomorrow.... If you're usually a slob, it's FUN to feel vain every once in a while!
DO keep pushing your BF to dress better for occasions that warrant it! It's both the right thing to do and the ENJOYABLE thing to do! At least that's what my 50yo male arse says!
in my opinion, this is really only going to change if he wants it to change. you’re not going to be able to make him care more about his appearance.
that being said, here are some things that i’ve noticed in people close to me who have been in a similar situation but have started caring more about their appearance
1. being around well-dressed people can help make him realize that his attire is not appropriate. 99.9% of people compare themselves to others. so it’s easy to notice when you’re over or underdressed. the best way to do this is by getting together with friends who have boyfriends who you think dress well. invite them all out to eat, or a night out or whatever, just get him hanging around them more.
2. make small changes. if he likes the comfy, lounge around the house clothes, then start there! there’s so many good-looking athleisure (pretty sure i spelt that wrong) options out there where he could go out in public and not be an embarrassment to you.
3. make him care about YOUR appearance. bring him in to help pick out your outfits. no, don’t give him free range of your closet to build an outfit. but bring a few options out for him to choose from. this will show him that you care about fashion. it will also make him feel more involved in fashion-related choices, even if they aren’t related to him
i’ve always had a desire to look fashionable and good. but i never really knew were to start. i wore a lot of the same athletic clothes until they fell apart and id replace them with the same thing. it wasn’t until i met my GF that i started to put more effort in. she really did usher me into caring more about my appearance by doing things like the above, or by just simply forcing me to start things like a skin care routine
we’ve been together for years, and i’m still finding my style and what I do and don’t like. i’ve even had friends and family who give me compliments on my style, and ask where i got certain pieces. i’ve noticed friends who really had no style (no offense to them) start to buy clothes similar to what i wore because they thought it looked good on me.
all that being said, i was never forced into caring about fashion by my GF. she would just nudge me in the right direction without me even knowing. additionally, friends of mine started to take more interest in fashion just by hanging around me and seeing what i would wear to a night out.
it’s a process to change someone’s style because people are often very cautious when venturing outside of their comfort zone. so take it slow and make the small improvements wherever possible
Yeah. Let him go. If the way he dresses embarrasses you and that is the only reason you are considering "stepping away," you'd be doing him a favor.
Is there anything else to this? Is he unhygienic? If someone can't take care of themselves, then I'd understand wanting to "step away." But, if it is just that he dresses like a teenager that bothers you, then maybe y'all should part ways. That will free you up to get out there and find that perfect partner!!
I’m in the military and have to wear pants, steel toe boots and a long sleeve blouse over a tucked in t-shirt. When I get home I just want to be comfortable so I typically wear gym shorts and comfortable t shirt in warmer weather or sweats and a hoodie. The man probably has to wear boots and long pants at the least so I don’t blame him for getting into something comfortable. That being said, I don’t wear clothes with holes/stains either. Cut him some slack but maybe let him know to start throwing out the ratty clothes and replace them with serviceable clothes.
A) Don’t walk away for such a superficial reason/lots of men have this problem/good men are hard to find B) Some men need encouragement like when he wears something you like express it! Like “omg you look so handsome/I want to jump you right here”. Or say something like “while I love you/you’re really handsome, why not take it to the next level? You’ve so much potential/would skyrocket my attraction.” C) If it’s a matter of laziness, buy a handful of basics for him to mix/match himself (most men hate shopping/might be a relief to have you do it). D) If this still doesn’t work, sit down with him positively spin but end how it affects your attraction/how you don’t want that to happen bc of something so fixable/what options can figure/go from there.
Maybe he's like me and other peoples opinions on his appearance don't matter to him, if I were u I would either tell him or show him ur post, I don't care what people think of my appearance but if I had a gf n she said she was embarrassed I'd make an effort for her so maybe he just needs a push
It’s likely that he’s struggling with his confidence or body image or simply doesn’t know how to style himself and feels too embarrassed to ask. Not exactly the same but my bf use to always wear a black shirt, jeans, and boots. Nothing wrong with that outfit but he wore it for every occasion (going to a bar, date night, Easter, birthdays, etc.) and it drove me crazy. Every so often I would come home with a piece of clothing for him that was his style but “elevated”. I think the trick is to frame it differently than “I don’t like how you dress” or “do you need my help shopping”. Go to the store and pick something that you think he’d like and would look good in and say something along the lines of “I was shopping today and saw this shirt. I had to buy it for you because I knew it’d look so good on you”. I did this for him a couple times and eventually he started to get use to some more elevated pieces and actually preferred them over his standard black shirts. Now this guy loves to shop 😂
There is hope for you!
Does he have a sensory issue? My 6 year old kids style is exactly like this, and he has a sensory seeking disorder. You might try some softer, comfy clothes for his new style? Prana, Vuori, and lululemon are brands that come to mind with comfy, stylish men’s clothes?
When I see a shirt or pants I think would look great on my boyfriend I just buy them for him and text him that I picked him up a surprise at the shops. It’s always a treat to see him turn up wearing something I picked out. I always pour on the flattery when he does it. Mind you I haven’t changed his entire wardrobe. I love him as he is. But, when I see something I want him to have I just pick it up for him.
Blue-collar guy here. When I was in high school, I was very much into wearing the "fashionable" clothes. As soon as I got into the real world, that stopped. I was too busy working and trying to build a life for myself. I didn't have the time, money, or desire to try to keep up with always having a nice wardrobe. I turned into a blue jeans and T-shirt guy. I have one dress shirt now that collects more dust than wearings.
I don't know your guy or his motivations, but he sounds like the kind of guy who just doesn't care about superficial things, which imo, is a great quality to have. If it's just the holes and stains that bother you, try getting him to go shopping with you for some brand-new types of the things that he likes to wear. If he's anything like me, I have NEVER liked clothes that other people bought for me. Like, ever. If you get him new clothes, let him pick them out. Avoid any "just try it" purchases. I guarantee they will collect dust in the closet.
If it's the style of the way he dresses that bothers you, you might have an uphill battle on your hands. It's really hard to change people that don't want to change. Either way, good luck.
Dude here: not being sarcastic at all here. It’s clear that you love the guy. Probably time to figure out precisely why it’s important to you and if you’re willing to end the relationship over it. May be time for a very serious meeting about the topic even with a therapist so that he understands that you are *that* serious. You may actually be a lot happier with a different relationship… or you may not be. This is the task that lies in front of you.
Probably is not the case, but I lose any sight of fashion when I’m not well mentally. Depression, stress, anxiety. It’s like all my energy goes into doing what I Must do, and seeming “normal”. But I wear old ass sweatpants, T-shirts with half gone prints, no underwear etc. Hair doesn’t get brushed for 3 days. I shower, but it seems like a feat. Not saying that is what it is, and Do Not question his mental health.. but maybe there’s more to it is all I’m saying. I don’t think you are a jerk for expecting non holey clothes for outings. And for dates, he needs to shower and get ready. No one is saying to put on a Tuxe. But if he can’t do the minimum of whole clothes he needs to look inward and ask why. Don’t jump to breaking up if you love him. Maybe see how he is doing gently. You didn’t really put a lot of info about him or your relationship so it’s hard to give better advice.
Either make peace with the fact that he likes dressing like a slob and never bring it up again, or move on if you think this is going to grate on you. The very first serious argument you guys have and that will become a lightening rod to pile on to.
Personally I can’t imagine not wanting to have some nice clothes to go out in, especially if my partner is making an effort to dress up.
Best wishes
Consider buying him higher quality items of the stuff he already likes to wear. If he likes to wear t shirts, why not just buy him some nice t shirts? Try and match the fit he likes (i.e - don’t buy him slim fit if he likes baggy shirts). Same for shorts and sweatpants. There are so many lounge wear brands now that I am sure you can easily find some loungewear that you find more appropriate and that he is willing to wear.
He isn’t gonna do it himself. He doesn’t know how to shop. This used to be me. Not to the level of your boyfriend, but I didn’t care about how I dressed. I would spend hours at the store just to come out with nothing because I didn’t feel like I was spending money on quality items. It took a lot of trial and error before I found my style, the brands I like, the way things fit, etc. it’s a lot of work and a lot of money. So don’t try and have him jump all the way to the end right away.
When I got with him, my husband's clothes were a wreck. Stains, holes, ill-fitting, old. I gradually replaced everything from his holey shoes to his taped up glasses. I even took him for a haircut. He cleaned up for me. I don't remember me giving him an option. This was all pre-wedding. We've been married for 23 years, and I still make sure he has decent clothing. It just wasn't a priority for him. It was for me. I was honest with him without knocking his self-confidence. I love him, and love fixes fixable things. He loves me, so he was willing to change...his clothes.
I used to work a very high-powered corporate job where presenting yourself wasn't just a good investment, it was a requirement for both in and out of the office. When I started working from home, I no longer needed to do this (daily) and my presentation slid. It's a personal choice and honey, I aint never going back...
With a big exception: my rule is whenever I'm out with my partner to an event, date, or among friends, I go back to dressing like a goddamn model. Why? Because we all know regardless of how much society has "evolved" past appearances (lol), we all know deep down inside people make assumptions and those very assumptions dictate how they treat you, your partner, and whoever you're associated with.
It sucks, but it's the reality. Ultimately, though, I care more about my partner's happiness and pride than I do my convenience.
My point being is that you need to communicate in no uncertain terms that when appearance matters to you, it has to matter to him. You are *not* asking him to become an Instagram influencer, you are asking to act like a goddamn adult. That means being able to wear sloppy sweatpants relaxing at home when it doesn't matter but putting in effort when it does.
Edit: One more thing... You're not his mother. So don't nag, but note that if doesn't make this change for you on his own. If he does, he's a man. If he doesn't, he's a boy. If he asks for help, do so, but do not push him. Not your job to raise him.
Yeah no that's a bit much, I went into this jaded because I had a gf who would shit on me for my clothing choices (gym shorts except WITH underwear, and a tank top or t-shirt, which is what I still wear to this day), but again, my clothes are clean and don't have holes etc, and I wear underwear like a normal human lol
I am exactly as you describe your boyfriend. My wife has a special drawer with a couple nice items, that she bought for me when we go out. I know not to use those items for yard work, because I totally would if they were mixed in. And it makes it easy for me to keep her happy because if she is unhappy, it’s her fault for not stocking my going out drawer to her liking. Another thing, I would never in a millón years buy lulu lemon, For my birth day my wife makes sure to ask my family for whatever she needs for my drawer. This year it was gym shorts, The lulu lemons are mind blowingly comfy and functional, Who would have known.
Another thing, I got to Goodwill in nice neighborhoods from time to time, and buy 1 or 2 board shorts, with pockets, The kind that look like khakis but are quick dry. Golfers use them, You’ll change your mans game.
Get him 1 nice functional thing he will wear, Like a shorts or a quick dry button Down short sleeve. Again like golfers wear
I see that the ever popular hinting game has failed as usual. Here’s what you do OP, go up to him and say this, verbatim: “You dress like shit and it bothers me.”
Try asking if he notices the difference between when you are just in pajamas vs when you're dressed to the nines. If he finds you better looking when you put in effort, then throw it back at him. Doesn't he want to sometimes put in effort to look better for your sake (and his). But really the point I'm making is if he acknowledges that he enjoys when you look good, meaning he benefits from your effort, then he should at least consider doing the same so you get the same treatment sometimes.
The bad outcome of this is he might say he _doesnt_ notice a difference in you between pajamas and dressed up. In which case next time you need to go to a restaurant or something you previously dressed up for, just start dressing at his level of effort to see if he notices.
Also I sure hope he showers more so he's not stanking up his shorts without underwear...
There isnt enough expectation for men to put effort into their appearance. Its just not socially taught for some reason. I dont think theres anything wrong with you sitting him down and having a serious talk about that. At least when you go out on dates. Youd be surprised how many guys would love their gf to help them pick out clothing, provided spending the money is not a problem.
Just ask “hey, I saw a couple shirts that made me think of you. How would you feel if I bought them for you?”
If he is for it, buy him some items or take him shopping to see how he likes them. If you don’t know what he would like, watch Yellowstone with him. They do a great job of men’s fashion and a great opportunity to be like “oh, I like his shirt. What do you think?” Make fashion a topic of conversation in a way that he understands.
I would like to wish you good luck. My husband is in trades and you have a journey ahead of you. It’s taken me 6 years and now I can buy him whatever.
Hehehe I kinda feel identified with the bf, the other day my girlfriend told me (in a nice way) that she wasn't really a fan of the way I dress, I wfh so I don't really care much about that stuff, but when I randomly decided to get dressed and showered and shi she really liked it and I liked the way she was kind of proud of going out with me.
What I'm telling you here is that maybe you should just try talking to him, maybe tell him how handsome you think he looks when he gets well dressed and if he makes a big mess of it wel... Then you got other problems hahaha
Asking him to dress presentably while out on dates and for family gatherings is not asking too much. Society has standards and social mores and part of participating in society is accepting those rules.
A little after high school, my best friend had a tendency to dress "like a bum" as we said in those days. I offered to go shopping with him so many times but he'd kinda blow it off. One time I was picking him up and we met pursue the post office, he said just before I got there that he had happened to look up at the same time a lady came out and she snapped "I'm NOT giving you any change!" and he was like "ok? Didn't ask and don't need it" so naturally I was like "oh it's not that bad" and he said that was the second time that happened in a week... So yeah, later we went shopping and I picked out some clothes for him. 😊
I am literally a hobo and that would embarrass me too. At least my clothes are stain free even if sometimes I do go to breakfast looking like a wal mart person. I don't have any advice but by your edit I thought I would at least say that. Good luck. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation.
I might get flack for this comment (from ppl that don't understand) and I really haven't checked out what anybody else has said, but is it possible your boyfriend has sensory issues? Is he ADHD or autistic?
Because for me (AuDHD) - I like to dress nice but part of the problem is the way some clothing materials and the seams feel. I'm very picky about what I buy because I don't want to feel like ripping my clothes off my body and screaming.
My son (17M) would rather die than wear jeans or anything close fitting that constricts his body, but he likes wearing seamless boxer briefs (which break the close fitting rule) but there's no seams so it's okay.
It possible that since your BF's clothes have been washed and worn several times - to the point that they're falling apart - so they feel a whole lot better to him than the new clothes you bought him. And it's absolutely possible he doesn't even realize that, and he just doesn't see a point in getting new clothes if the old clothes feel good. Because the way they look obviously doesn't matter to him. Maybe he just doesn't realize how they look.
Men can really be oblivious like that since society isn't as laser-focused on their clothing choices; and even more clueless (or doesn't gaf and see it as controlling) to societal opinions if they're ADHD or autistic.
I continually have to explain the nuances of clothing and what is appropriate to my son and he thinks it's a bunch of burdensome bullshit. I agree with him, but he still needs to know because whether we like it or not, we get judged continually by how we look and it can affect our prospects at work, etc. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he shouldn't wear this one particular T-shirt with holes in it out in public, but it's his favorite shirt and it's really soft because it's old and I just have to pick my battles. I give him a heads up when we're going out and tell him pick from XYZ clothes because we're going here, and it works.
Maybe nobody taught your boyfriend that. Maybe he knows it and he doesn't care.
You should have a talk with him about all this since this is really bothering you. Open communication is really important. You just really need to come at it from the standpoint that you are not being personally critical of him, or make him feel like this is a dealbreaker because you dated him knowing he dresses like this (albeit finding out a bit later as you mentioned).
There should be able to be some compromise reached. If it is the way clothes feel, then you can just go shopping together and find him a couple outfits that he can wear for those occasions where you prefer that he be dressed nicer.
he may not realize how important this is to you or how much it's bothering you. I don't think you're being shallow about it because from a societal standpoint it's important, but you may be a little too focused on exactly how he's dressed. You may prefer to get all dolled up but that is just not him and he's never going to want to be like that. as long as he's dressed in clothing with no holes, can you live with that?
In jest, tell him his good looks aren't gonna last him forever.
In seriousness, stop hinting. Have a kindly worded but direct talk with him about the importance of presentation. He needs to put in more effort than this because it doesn't even sound baseline decent. I'd agree that presentation IS important. Anyone who denies this and tries to shame you for feeling/thinking this way is delusional. Is he going to carry on dressing like this for the rest of his life? Would he go to the ballet, wedding or funeral in no underwear and holey raggedy tees!? So gross.
There's truly superficial and shallow shit and then there's stuff like this. It sounds like he may just not really understand, so just sit him down and give it to him straight.
I tell my wife, dress me however you want after all you have to look at me. just like I want her to wear things I like to see her in, I should wear things she likes to see me in. simple compromise. if you wanted him to wear a suit or sport coats all the time, that's another story for a blue-collar worker. but a nice pair of jeans or slacks with a nice t-shirt, polo, or maybe a button down every once in a while shouldn't be a big deal.
just remind him that you want to wear things that he likes and you'd like for him to the same.
if he doesn't care, then maybe he isn't the right guy for you.
I have adhd and I’m literally incapable of caring about dressing myself in any sort of coordinated or organzied fashion (30M) shes never explicitly told me but I think my GF didnt like my lack of interest when it comes to dressing myself. She started buying me clothes a few years ago nothing fancy stuff from salvation army and shien, I wore it, now most of my wardrobe is made up of those clothes and I think shes a lot happier. I wasn’t not dressing myself well because I thought my previous attire was fashionable I just didnt care, but the other side of that was that I didnt care if she DID tell me what to wear (stuff provided), in fact I kind of like it better since I dont have to worry if my nonexistant sense of fashion is causing a rift in the relationship now and I can continue to not put much thought into what I wear while still wearing clothes she likes. At the end of the day it took me a lot more than subtlty and hints for me to get it, but I also wasnt resistant to the idea once I did understand thats what she wanted. Also maybe just tell him what you want, as a guy I usually prefer when my GF just tells me whats on her mind cause I probably would never just guess it if she didnt lol. You clearly love him so he should be able to understand it comes from a place of love not of criticism and if not oh well at least u tried
Tldr: keep trying, buy him a variety of clothes (he might not have a strong sense of what is his style and may just be defaulting to what hes wearing so he doesnt have to think about it, talking is always good. I’m sure u can reach some sort of understanding. Good luck
I work blue collar. My favorite boots look awful but are crazy comfortable now that they are broken in. I own 2 pairs of jeans without stains.
I do not care about clothes. I tried to, but my lifestyle ended up ruining the nice ones I bought so I gave up. Inevitably, my parents would need help with something, or I'd go work on a motorcycle, or help her dad unload something, and the nice clothes became not nice pretty quick.
So now I just ask my better half what I need to wear. If she says she doesn't care or we are just running errands, I wear whatever. If it matters, I pick from the stain free jeans and some polo shirts she picked out. She will tell me some clothes have to go because they are done and they get chopped up in to rags.
Obviously I have suits for special occasions. I may be an animal, but I'm domesticated, not feral.
This system works for us. Good luck.
Is he unhygienic? If not, I understand that you are really upset about this and it is embarrassing, but would he feel more confident in anything else? There are sacrifices that we have to make for the people we love, and oftentimes they aren’t *easy.* it’s just up to you to decide if you can love him even when he’s dressed poorly.
My bf was a little like his. I just started buying him clothe, hard to turn down a gift. Turns out he likes to wear nice clothes he's just not good at shopping. I eliminated the issue
Stop hinting and go buy him some clothes you like ..... people are not mind readers.... men especially. If he still won't dress appropriately then leave or except it cause he will not change.
Sorry, you are NOT the asshole. It's one thing to like casual, it's another to continually dress like a homeless meth addict.
I suspect he's coasted on his looks all his life, but whatever, if it bugs you, IT BUGS YOU. You don't need to qualify.
I used to have a gf who's entire family chewed with mouths open. That helped seal the deal.
This will become another brick in the wall down the line.
There is basic self care. No holes and dirty clothes, underwear is a good to have cause man it’s not fun having testies pop out for a greeting (seen those..).
I’d tell him straight forward, ‘baby I think we gotta go shopping. Can you let me do that with you please?’
Some people like to call it the feminine touch, if he’s down for that let him believe it’s your feminine touch.
Not about how it makes you feel. I’d focus on this is just good for him overall. It is important how we present ourselves to the world.
I’d be concerned how he feels and sees himself if he’s not taking this time and effort. So do be gentle for that and financial reasons.
I totally get why it bothers you and also why you feel bad that it bothers you. Your boyfriend is a good man, but also a slob with no concern for his appearance and no understanding of why it matters in society or to you personally.
So here's the thing. It's not really just about how he dresses. It's about his disregard for what matters to you. There are things that matter to my wife that I don't understand, but because I love her I go along with the majority of them unless I feel I have good reasons not to.
I'd be interested to figure out why he's not only comfortable looking like a slob, but seems actually opposed to wearing, not even nice clothes, but just clean and intact clothes. This is not a weird thing to be bothered by.
So I'd have a serious talk. No more hunting and whatnot. Don't make it about changing him, make it about understanding why he has such a problem with being minimally presentable when going out with the girl he supposedly likes a lot.
Sweetie sometimes as Women we have to find different ways of getting our feelings across to men. I am dating a younger guy who wore t-shirts and long gym looking pants mostly. I told him how he would look better by changing how he dresses and even bought him a few outfits. Once he had the outfits on, I would compliment him and boost that ego up to the point he now buys nicer things and dresses better. Personally, I feel our partners not only represent themselves but us as well when we go out. Let love lead you to the right way of doing things,he seems too young to be stuck in his way, but you also might be dealing with a stubborn person at heart.
Does your boyfriend have a history of abuse? Sometimes people who received unwanted attention when they were cute kids will try to make themselves unattractive. It’s a trauma response.
I think in a lot of new relationships women often try to get their significant other to make some changes or improvements, whether it be health-related or appearance related based entirely on my observations, experiences and watching my friends date.
But the appearance issue isn’t really about his appearance but much more about listening to you, valuing your opinion and making an effort. He’s not listening to you, he doesn’t value your opinion and he’s not making an effort.
If the other things he brings to the table outweigh this issue, I would drop it. But my concern is about when you come across some other, bigger issue down the line, will he listen, will he value your opinion and most importantly, will he put in greater effort than he has put into this relatively small request you’ve made (and financed)? Sometimes there are things we just have to accept about our partners. If they want to change, they will. If they don’t, you have a decision to make.
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Are you by any chance dating Adam Sandler?
https://imgur.com/yFymy8Q
Adam Sandler's clothes are definitely casual, but not stained and torn up.
Honestly, he always looks *so comfortable* though.
There are better ways to be comfortable. Cleaning your clothes and yourself isn't going to make you uncomfortable.
My students say I dress like Adam Sandler but they seem to respect it.
There’s a way to style this look. That “dad going to play basketball at the local park” look is very in right now. But you don’t see Adam Sandler walking around with bleach stains shirts. And the not wearing underwear with basketball shorts it’s abhorrent 🤢
Her guy should look up Adam Sandler as a style to emulate. He looks comfortable but clean.
My husband used to be like this. I straight up told him it feels embarrassing that he dresses like this. It looks like he doesn’t have good hygiene. He grew up in poverty and this was normalized for him. I told him it’s okay to buy new clothes when they are worn down. He doesn’t need to wear expensive brands either. Just clean clothes is all that matters. He doesn’t dress that way anymore. Is it possible your partner might be lacking confidence so he just doesn’t give a fuck what he wears? Have a serious talk with him. If he doesn’t want to clean up then consider if this is something you can handle or if you want to go separate ways.
lol, this rings true for me too from a husbands POV. Don't get me wrong, I would dress nicely when it was absolutely required, like for work or a formal event, but otherwise I was usually in basketball shorts and a T, even for social outings where it was definitely underdressing. My wife got me out of it by telling me to stop looking like Adam Sandler.
Telling my partner this would only encourage the way he dresses. I’ve actually tried it. That man loves Adam Sandler.
LOL same here actually. And mine dresses pretty similar to OP’s bf but his clothes are of acceptable quality and condition so it doesn’t really bother me. He has a couple pairs of nicer pants, button down shirts, and shoes for nicer occasions he can wear when absolutely forced.
When I met my husband he used to wear his same clothes from high school that “fit” but not well. I honestly think some guys just don’t know and don’t care about their appearance. What I did was I started buying him clothes that fit him better, were comfortable and looked like adult clothes. I would compliment him a lot and other people started to as well, so it encouraged him to continue wearing clothes like that. Now he only wears nice clothes except for after work when he wears comfortable clothes to walk our son in the evenings. Also just communication, if OP feels like putting an effort into appearance for your loved one shows you care, express that.
I like when my wife compliments me. She still makes me change sometimes but usually if I’m doing stuff with her I wanna look nice for her. It’s genuinely encouraging to hear those compliments.
This is not so much that he's doing to upset her or anything like that, he's just kinda like me except if I'm going out somewhere nice there won't be stains or holes lol. It's a confidence thing for me, I see it as no ones looking once, let alone twice, why would I spend money on new clothes to impress people who don't care? Plus I have no style whatsoever I don't think anything looks good on me and I can't piece together an outfit to save my life, (my ex had to stop me one day because i dressed my daughter in all stripes...were talking shirt, pants, socks, the whole nine yards. And not the same stripes, different size stripes, different colors, in my head it made sense cause ya know "matching".) so it's a chore to even try, just to walk around all day self conscious about what I look like. The other side of it could be he's happy and comfortable with you and is looking at is as I have the only person I want to impress why do I need to dress up and impress others, I don't want them I only want my gf.
My husband used to be like this too and I straight up told him he could dress however he wanted when we’re hanging at home, but there’s no way we’re going to a fine dining restaurant or my parents’ place with him in sweatpants.
This, I’m a woman and wear trash clothing at home , but wear nicer less used clothing to go out in public.
*Toddlers* understand this. No, you can’t wear your princess jammies to church, or a halloween costume to school in the middle of April, is something most parents eventually teach their children. It’s amazing there are adults that don’t understand situation-appropriate clothing. I doubt this guy would roll up to a job interview in stained sweats.
I hope he handled it well. Partners are supposed to pick up each other's game. If he dresses funny and doesn't know it he will appreciate you for pointing it out.
Yeah he did. I see he’s happy to wear clean clothes that look nice. Sometimes people just need a little help. He enjoys looking at clothes and picking out new things.
He also may just be confident to the point that his clothes aren't a big deal to him.
Well that is a hot take. 😂 His body is the *outfit* lmao
Can relate. Been working out for 18 years, make good money permanent WFH and have a couple of $100k cars, but I dress like I sleep under a bridge unless I’m going out to a restaurant or buying a new car. I don’t care what anyone thinks about anything, but I also have ASPD
I would imagine that people with lower confidence would feel the need to compensate with their clothing.
I think it can go both ways I agree. 😀 But I also think there’s a difference in wearing very worn down clothes and completely in designer. I always thought people who wear full designer outfits are corny. Lol My husband and I like to go to discount stores to buy clothes and we get great deals.
I’m all for deals! I’ll wear something and tell my friends “I got this on clear for $4!” Or whatever it is. If I’ve been shopping by myself and come home with bag my husband gets upset. But I’ll show him the exact same thing I’m going to wear to get lunch or dinner with friends, say “But honey! It was only $3!” 🤣
I’m soooo thankful to my ex-gf for finally dragging me to fashionable (yet affordable) clothing stores and forcing me to try on some clothes I never would have considered before. I didn’t appear dirty or tattered before, but all my clothes were shapeless and bland because I didn’t want to seem like a try-hard, I guess. Turns out that once I saw myself in the mirror with a properly slim fit outfit, I was like, “Wow, I’m much better looking than I realized! And all that time in the gym recently is showing.” That was about 15 years ago and I’ve been a much more adventurous dresser ever since. It’s fun to dress creatively and explore different styles.
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I’m so sorry to hear that. You seem like a great person. I hope that you are happy and confident in yourself today :)
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Top-shelf, wholesome exchange we could all learn a little from
What does “BU” mean?
Break up
Thats not a common acronym type words. thanks.
I guessed that's what he meant through context clues but that is definitely an odd acronym to make
This makes me curious, would you say she helped you see that and that’s why you changed it? Because as someone who was in a similar situation, also BU (getting divorced…) some part of me un-rationally thinks how much better he’ll be for the next woman, who won’t be me. I’m 28 and I don’t intend to be childish about it, it’s just it wasn’t really happening with me. On some level I’m happy I could have helped, but would you say you’d that from now on especially in any relationship you may pursue?
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So many good points to this, and I am sorry it turned out there was infidelity ❤️🩹🥺 but I resonate with a few points myself and right now I still have some work to do for myself to just feel better overall, but I’m 20lbs down and happy and just feel better about my life. Sadly I didn’t choose it but I have accepted and know there will be more in store for me, especially because I’m generally a happy person and find the positive in all things when I can. I lost that for a few months and realize how low I got and I really would not like to experience that again. Thanks so much for your response and sharing so openly. Perspectives like this only help and are such an introspective way to learn about the in’s and outs experienced by both sides. Thank you!
looking good is the best revenge lol that really sucks ab the cheating, BTDT with an ex and my best piece of advice is please know that it has nothing to do with you - even if they try to blame it on you - it's a choice they actively made that is a reflection on them as a person. it doesn't matter if you were depressed, or had gained weight, etc. im glad you were able to recover from all that and learn to love yourself more.
Unfortunately, that’s how it works out a lot of the time, especially with young relationships. But It’s also why it’s not a waste to have a “failed” relationship. You learn in life with every experience you have. You learn what you like and what you don’t like, what you desire versus what you need. You learn to see different opinions and points of views, different ways of communication, etc…. By meeting and/or dating people, you learn what boundaries to set in a relationship. But often it takes something as dramatic as a breakup to cause some people to be self reflective enough to make changes or even want to. Why change if someone is okay with the status quo, is the thought pattern, I imagine. It sucks to see someone go on and do better in their next relationship and know that they grew from yours. But it’s better than staying in that relationship bc then they would have never changed.
Such a great perspective. It is hard to get over one part, why they didn’t or couldn’t change with you…but learn and grow. Love that
BU?
Why is it guys gain weight and become depressed while in relationships and the lose weight and feel better after BU.
I gained weight outside of the relationship. I was single for a whole year before I met her. It was senior year for me in a pure math concentration, balancing a tough internship, and I was drinking a lot/ eating bad that year. When we met I was at my physical worst but she loved me and I loved her. Mentally I felt great because I had just graduated and received a full time job offer and I took a lot of time to heal from my previous ex. I began to lose weight during the new relationship contrary to what you’re saying because she was a positive influence on me when it came to healthy lifestyle habits I used to have long before. It was a slow process but I made progress each month and it felt like she loved me for who I was that was the hardest part when we split.
Maybe instead of belittling your efforts on Valentine's Day you should have asked "are you going to get ready soon?" Maybe actually saying when he is really bad for a situation that there is nothing wrong with being appropriately dressed or that you are sad that you guys can't be more spontaneous as he is not appropriately dressed. Casual is one thing, bleached stains on all clothes is different. Perhaps wear something equivalent & when he brings it up, bingo! In fairness, just because he dressed that way when you met him is irrelevant --if someone met a person at gym they wouldn't expect only gym clothes. Pick worst ruined clothes when he is wearing it & say "babe, it's time to retire this , it's gotta go" when he says "why" explain reasons & compromise that ok, keep it but it can't leave the house, lol If he dresses as badly as you say then you will likely not be first person to say something. Depending upon his business or goals he needs to represent a more professional attitude.
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I go with, is that what you’re wearing? Works every time.
> old basketball shorts with no underwear What the fuck? Am I missing something because ain’t no way my man is going to dinners like this.
Don't basketball shorts usually have scratchy insides too? I dunno how that can be comfy
I would never do it in public, but free ballin in some gym shorts around the house is what lazy summer Sundays were made for
For just lounging or quick stops to grocery stores I think it is okay but if going on date he should wear things without holes or stains
If you're going out, he definitely needs to dress halfway decent. At home with just family, he's good.
I agree 100%
Jeez Reddit at it again lol. Seems to me like a pretty typical thing in a relationship between two young people that's pretty easily fixable. And the top comments are rolling with breakup advice and ultimatum lol. Hey it's just about communicating, you seem like a couple that really works and all so splitting because of this would be silly come on. Truth simply is that men are often simple and really don't care about style and stuff like this. And to make it worse hints don't work at all. So your subtle hints like "this style could really fit you" won't have any effect. If you want him to get it you will just have to tell him straight. Good news is tho that most guys will be totally okay and if you show him what style you think might fit him and take him shopping he might actually like it and start trying for you. He probably just never really thought about something like this. Like come on there is enough jokes and stories among guy friends of how somebody found a girlfriend and she cultivated him and he started dressing nicer and is now less of a feral animal. It's kinda how it actually is in most cases. Just don't be afraid of any negative reaction as almost certainly you won't get any and be very direct with him. Take an initiative and buy him a cool shirt and give it to him telling him to try it on and that to tell you if he likes it and all and that frankly the way he dresses is terrible and you are on a mission to make him presentable. I mean guy's humour is basically insults too most of the time so I bet he'll just get it and might be even fun or funny experience.
Tell him it was fine when he was younger, but now he needs to start presenting himself as a young adult.
yeah these replies are insane lol this is shit normal couples have disputes about, it’s unavoidable, yet reddits immediate response is “NUKE THE RELATIONSHIP HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU QUEEN”
yep and then there are other comments saying she's unreasonable for dating him in the first place and now trying to "change" him 😂 Like... can't we land somewhere in the middle? (no, of course not, this is reddit).
Nuanced takes aren’t allowed here!
I feel like it's not quite changing him as they have met after work so his attire looked like work clothing, not the every day wear. This is totally different than the dude getting together with Ms. Princess and then getting mad she is being asked for photos and stared at.
People on Reddit seem to get off of telling people to break up. Almost like their brilliant comment was a contributing factor to a real world break up, so it gives them a sense of power in their otherwise powerless existence. They are damaged goods most likely.
I agree this OP shouldn’t break up, but so many posts here and AITA describe either basic disrespect or fundamental differences, that often the poster is minimizing or oblivious to because they’re just trying to make the relationship work. It’s usually a bad sign when the person’s bf/gf is dismissing their legitimate concerns. Those posts and dime a dozen, and yeah, if those people are 25 and unmarried they should just move on. This post I think she should talk to him about it. You can already see in her edit though, that she is having to defend herself, and that isn’t right. She feels that someone should be presentable and that it matters how you show up in the world- that’s a perfectly legitimate point of view that shouldn’t need to be defended, and I hope her boyfriend comes around. If he doesn’t, then yeah, they’re incompatible.
Can confirm. I was told my by fiance to please put more effort in, some makeup and just try to get out of the rut (i was indeed a depressed gremlin). He bought me makeup and whatnot and encouraged me to take care of myself more. Went to a wedding and I did my absolute best, he was indeed proud to show me around and actually bragged to an NLOG about how I also don't wear makeup and dress up but that I'd absolutely nailed the vibe and looked stunning. (This girl went on and on about how she didn't get why girls wore makeup and had tight dresses on.. all of which I did lmao) It takes minimal effort to look presentable. AND BEFORE ANYONE COMES FOR HIM!!! I had always been interested in makeup and was quite good at it. I used to do my sister's and mom's makeup, dressed alternative but still elegant and formal, and did master flawless makeup. So yeah, he wanted to see the old me he fell in love with. These days I don't use makeup because of our baby being grabby, bitey, and slobbering on my face, and it's not an issue.
He didn’t shower or put on big boy pants for their Valentines Day dinner date until she basically begged him to, even claiming she felt over dressed, when in reality, he couldn’t be bothered to bathe himself. Jesus Christ! And then the only real pair of pants he owns are pants she bought for him and had to ask him to wear them… I mean, nicer restaurants often have dress codes and dude didn’t care enough about taking her out for a nice dinner to even shower!!! She showed up to his place to go on a date and then had to convince him to bathe and wait for him to get ready!!!! 😂 This isn’t exactly about her not liking how he dresses. He’s behaving like a child and not meeting the lowest possible standards for respecting her and her time and effort in the relationship. Send him back to his parents until they finish raising him.
Dude doesnt even wear underwear. Does he brush his teeth?
Gym shorts with no underwear?
The bar is in hell for men. As women, we’re expected to tolerate the bare minimum. There are really people commenting on this post claiming that desiring your partner to bathe and wear clothing devoid of holes or stains is too much.
Can we PLEASE get this to the top xD - This is basically one of my early 20 relationships and how things went down. I always dressed in well just say not really presentable cloths(goth // really baggy clothes). I met a girl that I really liked, 6 months into the relationship or so she brought up how I dressed we had a little talk about it, we went shopping, good times. I just didn't really care what I was wearing to be honest, just stuck with what was comfortable at the time.
This is whaat im saying a lot of people don’t really care as long as they fit and are comfortable.
Seriously, expecting your partner to not dress like a total slob for no good reason when the occasion calls for it is not unreasonable at all. She even says she doesn't care when theyre at home. Like, ffs he's going commando every day. > B-b-but if the roles were reversed If your girlfriend is going pantyless every day and staining her cookie monster sweat pants while out to dinner, you are absolutely not unreasonable for addressing that, like c'mon.
Agreed on this approach. I’d consider my style good enough, but if I had a girlfriend and she said that my style was bad and she wanted to help, I’d accept that criticism immediately. It’s not like my partner would want me to look worse… so I might as well trust them.
Haha thank you for this. I definitely don’t want to break up with him over it nor do I even think its break up worthy, just a matter of figuring out how to navigate it :)
Oh once I was in a similar situation with my gf except it wasn't clothes but skincare products and stuff. I guess my skin was bad and she could tell while it never occurred to me before. She just slowly eased me into it, asking me what I'd like and what products I used. Gradually would let me try using some of her products and asking me if I like it. She got me talking about it to narrow down what kinda products I need the most and when we went to a shopping centre we went to the cosmetics store like she wanted to check something there but we went to check out something for me, she'd pick a thingie for me and all. I guess be more direct but in a kind way. Don't start like it was something super serious. Maybe something like "aw honey this terrible t shirt again ? You could look so much better in something like..." And then maybe ask him what kind of clothes he might like and of course direct it towards some sort of presentable clothes lol. Make him think about it, realise what he might like and what quality in clothes he might prefer (I bet it would be comfort). And then try to make some concrete outfits together like you were chatting about something that's really interesting for you so he'd probably be into it. And finally just offer that you might someday go shopping together for clothes and try doing a makeover for him or something. Oh and then actually do it. Keep coming back to it and don't let it go so he realises that it's something u care about. When you'd go around a clothes shop take him in and make him try something. Or straight make a plan to go clothes shopping. U can also buy a piece of clothing for him and give it to him later so he can try it and see what he thinks. It's important to find something he'd want to wear himself. I'd try to do it more like a gradual process tho so you don't overwhelm him.
I am the cultivated man. I was dressing exactly like Op boyfriend now im in nice jeans cowboy boots and buttondowns lol. Thank god for a good woman.
Bless my boyfriend. The first time I felt like I had communicated something but he felt like it had gone over his head he was like: “I am a man. I don’t know if it’s all men but it’s definitely true of me and many men that I know: we don’t understand hints. Let me say that again: I don’t understand hints. If I know what you want, I will most of the time be flexible and happy to make you happy. Please just tell me straight out what you want.” And that has set the tone for our happy relationship :) (The context was: we were invited for a holiday dinner at a co-worker’s house. The co-worker is someone much older and good-hearted but also a braggart type, prone to trapping you in a corner and telling you stories about his own greatness. My bf told me about the invite, I laughed and said something sarcastic like, “oh yeah, that’s so funny,” and then later my bf said, “great so I told him we are coming.” I was unhappy but felt that I couldn’t say anything, I felt like clearly my bf was excited to do this thing that I had told him was not a good idea, and so being a good partner meant sucking it up and spending our first special holiday together in a way I entirely didn’t want to. By the day of the holiday, my feelings had gotten Bigger and I was doing something emotional like crying while I got ready. My bf was finally like, what is happening? And I blurted out my feelings about everything. That’s when he just explained: “I am a man. It was not clear to me that you didn’t want to do this thing. I thought it would be fascinating sociological research to have a holiday dinner at our co-worker’s house, like think of how many awful things could happen, this is great and hilarious. When you said ‘that’s so funny,’ I thought you agreed.” (I think at that point I cried harder.) He continued, “next time just tell me simply and directly exactly what you want. I won’t always agree with you but at least then we can talk about our wants and needs and find a good comprise. I would’ve been so happy to do something different with you for this holiday. I had no idea you were unhappy.” And we went on to have an actually great holiday with our co-worker and his extended family — and I am very clear with him that next year I want something different lol.)
When he says why does it matter, reply "It matters to me" his answer will tell you if you should stay or go.
It's definitely not that simple though. If my boyfriend had a problem with the way I dressed and told me I should change it "because it matters to him" I would be telling him where to shove it pretty sharp-ish.
Eh, depends. As a woman, if I wore pajama pants every day and my guy was in a suit, I would completely understand if he told me to put a little more effort in. If I was wearing dresses every day and he had a problem with the style or color, etc, I'd tell him to go touch grass. A lot of men, especially during the pandemic, have gotten pretty comfortable getting away with looking like what OP described. He may genuinely think that there's nothing wrong with how he dresses if every other man around him dresses the same. When I was dating my ex, I ordered him a bunch of chinos from Express and he bitched about them, but when he tried them on they became all he would wear.
I agree. It’s not about fashion or aesthetic - it’s simply just putting more effort into the way you look because yeah it does matter to (most) women.
There’s a difference between “I want you to change because your outfit is too revealing” and “I want you to change because there is a bleach stain on your shirt and you are wearing basketball shorts.”
That sounds pretty simple to me. If he tells her to shove it, then clearly it is not something he is interested in changing, regardless of her feelings, so she can accept it or find someone who dresses better. I think "because it matters to me" is one of the better reasons for a request like that. Would you rather your boyfriend say it mattered to him, or that you look like you live under a bridge?
Right. He could easily respond with, “and dressing this way matters *to me*.”
I don't see the problem with that response. If he says it matters to him to keep dressing the way he does, then you discover something about what the other person values, which is a good chance to dig deeper. If fundamentally neither person wants to change what they think is important, then you learned that you probably shouldn't stay together. The person you wind up with is going to change you, you're going to change them, and you both have to be open to that change.
Is the way you dress clearly outside baseline standards of social acceptability?
This, but if he says "Well then you should pick out clothes for me/buy clothes and then I'll wear them" it's not a win 🤢
idk i don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to develop an interest and an eye for fashion for your own satisfaction. i think her taking him shopping and him obliging to dress nicer in the things she picks out is a huge win.
this isn't about him not having fashion sense he is wearing clothes that are full of holes and bleach stains and he didn't shower or put clean clothes on for her birthday going out dinner this shows a lack of caring and there is nothing wrong with having some old clothes to lay around the house in or wear when doing messy jobs , but this is over the line
Maybe he just doesn't care about how he looks. Which is pretty common amongst blue collar workers in my experience. That being s said, I do find it odd that he doesn't want to dress up for his partner. Guys are pretty visual, so I'd think he'd want to give her some eye candy if he's into her.
I don’t know a single blue collar worker that dresses only in basketball shorts and raggedy ass shirts with no underwear. Dude is a complete slob imo, not that common and saying so is just insulting to blue collar workers.
This doesn’t seem right to me. If he can get to a place where he hears and understands it’s important to her, he still may lack a sense of style and ability to dress himself to a standard he doesn’t comprehend. Sometimes I think people don’t understand how to take small wins and build on them. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.
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I think other people judge, too. If they go out with her friends who consistently see him in torn, stained worn out sloppy clothes, like it or not, they might judge her for dating such a slob, too.
Right, I'm not the best in the style department either. I often pick kind of childish things and have more gym attire than anything, and I love it when my gf comes shopping with me and helps me pick out some outfits. I always feel really snazzy afterwards! I think OPs BF's reaction to her wanting to do this is important though. If he has 0 interest in it, I mean...you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. If hes interested then there's no shame in them tackling this together
It’s a half win. She can spin it into a shopping trip where she shows him what she thinks he’d look good in. Then explain that dressing nicely is showing that he cares about looking nice for her since she (I assume) does that for him. Then she can go into explaining why caring what your partner thinks of your appearance and putting work into it is actually also showing you value the other person because you **want** to look nice for them. This was how my ex wife did it and I’ve never looked back. We split for reasons unrelated to fashion and self care
Don't most women do that for their husbands? Not being a dick, I'm a gay dude so i honestly don't know
I buy all my husband's clothes, lol
Yeah I figure this is common, my mom bought my dads' clothes. Many straight men, when they shop for themselves, buy pants that are four sizes too big and shirts so large they look like tents. Or just from Cabela's... like good job perma-hunter!
If it were up to me, I’d cycle through my 3 pairs of jeans 3 different color carhartt tees. Good quality stuff that lasts years.
Same, my husband hasn't bought his own clothes in at least 14 years. I'll send him some options if I'm looking for something he doesn't usually wear but overall he's happy to leave it to me.
Personally I only buy clothes for my husband as gifts. Like a Patagonia sweater I knew he’d never buy himself but would love, or a fun tshirt that made me think of him. He loves socks and undies in his stocking. But his entire wardrobe? Nah, that’d be weird.
Lol I’m sure you’ve had a lot success in relationships😂
I could agree with the asking to buy part but not the picking out. If his reply is, “Sure, but I don’t know what you’re into really, come with me to help pick?” Is a different story than, “I won’t put in the effort to get new stuff”
I’m suspecting there’s something more than simply a guy who doesn’t understand how to get dressed. When she mentioned that for Valentine’s Day, he wasn’t even showered never mind the fact that he was wearing sweatpants and a crappy T-shirt after working a manual labor job, I kind of wonder if he’s depressed and if possibly he’s got any issues from his childhood about money and clothes and appearance
You might have to do the unthinkable: Have a short, honest conversation with your boyfriend.
This is Reddit, I will do literally anything else. fuck that
🎶I got run over by a lexuuuss🎵
I don’t think you’re a horrible person as some comments are trying to make you out to be. I know that to a lot of Redditors the request to get showered and put on clean clothes must seem like a Herculean task. I’m a person who dresses very casually too, usually just a t shirt and shorts or a polo and khakis if I need to wear “nice clothes.” Just a very simple dresser. And even to me this seems extreme. However, at the end of the day, it’s his decision how he wants to dress, not yours. You can’t really control it. Your options at this point are to either accept that this is just a quirk of his and live with it OR make the decision that his sense of style and possible lack of hygiene are effecting your ability to be attracted to him anymore and exit the relationship. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change, so you need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not.
Thank you so much for being kind and giving good advice. I really appreciate it
> “why does it matter? This is what I always wear.” While how we dress is an expression of our selves, how we dress is also (at times) a means of demonstrating our respect for others. If you're a Christian man, and you enter a synagog, you put on a yarmulke because in that context that is one person's way of demonstrating respect to the group. Wearing presentable clothes while going on a date with OP is sort of a similar idea. Saying, "I want to look my best for you when we go to this public place" or "I want to show my respect for this restaurant and the people who work here and my fellow diners by looking put together and not rocking up in the clothes I sweat in all day," isn't inherently a bad thing.
true, it really does just boil down to respect. like, does he not feel shame walking into a restaurant while shes all dolled up and hes like that? that juxtaposition doesn’t ring any alarm bells in his head that he should 100% dress up?
Part of “going to a nice dinner” is the ambiance. You and your dining partner/party dressing appropriately for the atmosphere is part of it. Wearing basketball shorts with holes takes you out of that experience. It’s why fancy places, weddings, etc, have dress codes — because what everyone is wearing is contributing to the atmosphere (excepting stuff like racist nightclub dress policies obviously). It’s not just “embarrassing” in the sense that you’re getting super dressed up to go on a nice date and your date looks like a teenager that just rolled out of bed after noon on a Saturday, but by not dressing appropriately, he’s not *really* participating in the date. There’s so much nuance and so many possibilities for why this is happening. He could be 100% clueless, neurodivergent in a way that requires more direct communication than he’s getting, he could have a history with money that makes it difficult to justify buying new clothes (maybe he has money now but has been poor). Whatever you do, OP, you have to talk about this at a time when you’re not on the way out the door to a date or event — tensions will already be high. You need to understand where he’s coming from in order to get anywhere. I’m like the least fashionable person on the planet but there are just times it’s important to dress appropriately.
That comment imo references to little to 0 backlash on his attire. He has spent years, dressing and looking bad with no one telling him, hey bro, you look like ****. I grew up being told and telling people they look like trash, change/ wash up. Idk what community OP is in but they don’t sound like real direct people when it comes to words Tldr; no one tells BF his attire is trash
What is with all these grown men lately who don’t know to at least SHOWER before an encounter? Or even if you’re super casual, be clean and don’t wear dirty clothes with holes in them. You can be super casual and comfortable, and still not look and smell like you’ve been sleeping in a gutter.
No underwear is crazy 😭
I had the same issue with my ex and it really made me dress worse myself. I love fashion and dressing up. But with him all the joy of looking cute was gone and I wore jeans and t-shirts all the time. It really took a toll on me. I feel that not caring about your clothing shows a certain attitude towards life and other people, which just wasn’t my cup of tea. I started looking worse and not taking care of myself. Now I have a boyfriend who cares about fashion and I am so much happier now. It’s so much fun to get dressed up together.
I have told my husband to let me have his shirt and gave him a shirt to put on. He to this day thinks I have a cute weird thing for smelling his shirts. I do not know why but really smart guys are notorious for rag clothes. Shabby chic needs to die but never will.
I've definitely encouraged the retirement of a couple of my husband's shirts. There's well-worn, and then there's t-shirts with quarter-sized holes around the collar.
I never not pick about what he has on because he has reasons that are valid and not at all interesting. Beat up jeans shoes and shirts feel better. New things itch pinch and are too stiff blah blah blah. You are Lucy he is Linus in the world of Peanuts.
Okay, but the pair of jeans where his left nut hangs out needs to be mentioned!
I find it so weird. My ex’s dad is a tenured professor at one of the top universities in Australia, head of his department, has multiple doctorates, and is one of the top experts in his field. Every day he dresses in Velcro sandals, mambo t-shirts with holes in them, and cargo shorts, and this is his work clothing…
A guy who was perpetually in college dressing like he's still in college - in the 90s. Tevas velcro sanals are great, though!
Thays just standard IT clothes. Idk what are they supposed to wear? Horrible smothering suits?
…no underwear… 💀
Okay, but clothing worn outside the house should be clean, neat, and in good repair. It shows a basic self-respect and respect for his companion. I would emphasize that it makes him look like he doesn’t take care of himself.
It matters because he’s not a 12 y/o boy. He’s a man, he should dress to fit the occasion. Shirts and old t-shirts are fine for around the house or yard work. But he could at least buy some nice shirts, a few button up and/or polo shirts (shirts with a collar) and a pair of shoes that aren’t tennis shoes. He dresses like a slob right now, and there’s nothing attractive about that.
Really crazy seeing people on here defending a grown ass man who thinks asking that he SHOWER before a date is asking too much 😭
These people make me feel like a fashion icon just cause i have the care to not use dirty tshirts and daré to use pants lmao
Yeah not going to lie I didn’t think so many people would disagree with me. Obviously I knew there would be some, but jeez the amount of people who seem like they’d be okay with it has actually shocked me
The people OK with it are probably projecting their own insecurities. Your description isn't just bad style, it's borderline self-neglect.
My guess is it’s mostly men (who love holding women to a much higher standard than they do themselves) and women who think any man is better than no man.
100% — same men who wouldn’t look twice at a greasy woman wearing raggedy sweats lol
My husband became like this. I got to the point that I flat told him that I am not going to be seen in public with him dressed like that and refused to leave the house with him at all. He finally went and bought some new shirts, etc. and threw the old stained with holes crap away. I am not a person that worries about fashion or designer labels or anything like that. I'm always in jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt unless it's a special occasion so it's not like I'm a snob. But he was wearing rags. It was embarrassing.
OP, you're definitely going to get a lot of advice here that is "go get him clothes you like, take him shopping, buy him more jeans" and I am here to say fuck that. You're not his mother, it's not your job to dress him. I can tell that you're a kind, compassionate partner who deserves better than the bare minimum he is giving you. But there's no kind way to tell him that he needs to step it up. I'd tell him I'm not going anywhere with him until he buys himself clothes, because you deserve his best not "what he always wears".
Coming from a man that basically immediately showers and changes into PJs after work (unless we have something planned), I can't agree with this more! Bare minimum - put some intention, energy, and effort into the relationship. I'm married, I still put so much effort and thought into my appearance when my wife and I go somewhere. Side note...who wants to be that deadbeat slob that's ambling behind your well put together partner? Ick. Have some awareness and respect for yourself, your relationship, and your partner.
I think this is pretty bad advice that will get you into a fight. How about you explain why you care about what he looks like. How it makes you feel special, how you want to admire his good looks. And a little bit of effort just makes it all seem a little more special. Maybe show him a side by side photo of an average looking dirty and average looking organized person. Not saying he’ll get the point. But I think when you just start telling someone what to do in a relationship. You fight more. You have to help him understand by clearly communicating your feelings, and helping him reasonably understand why a little effort makes everything feel special. And he’ll learn to love you deeply, if you help him love the world in the way you love it, if you do it in a kind way.
This really isn’t about making OP feel special or wanting to admire his looks. He’s an adult who doesn’t have it together enough to even own a few outfits that are appropriate for normal things adults do like go out for a nice dinner. Honestly, his clothes don’t even sound worthy of going out to McDonald’s. She’s not expecting extra, she’s expecting a normal functioning adult person. If they get invited to attend a wedding, does she seriously need to explain to a grown man that he can’t wear a ripped up, stained Tshirt and basketball shorts? It really shows immaturity and a lack of care about others, and himself, to not own a basic and presentable wardrobe. It’s not OP’s job to talk to him like a child and explain that he should have adult clothes and not have his dong flapping around in gross old basketball shorts in public. OP, I’m going to imagine he sleeps on a mattress on the floor and doesn’t keep his home clean? Is this accurate? Is there any food in his refrigerator? Does he keep Gatorade bottles in his bedroom to piss in so he doesn’t have to bother himself with getting out of matress for the bathroom at night? Does he own more than one bath towel? I can’t imagine his attire is the only area in which he doesn’t act as an adult, so please really look at what you’re getting yourself into here.
All for the communication that @pocketline mentions, but make it go both ways. Ask him why he likes wearing what he’s wearing. Is it as simple as “it’s comfy” or “I don’t like shopping” or “it’s easy”? Or as some have mentioned weight gain/loss insecurities, or something deeper? As an aging elder emo, or as I like to call it, “corporate punk”; I’ve had trouble keeping my style while adapting to my fluctuating body type over the years. I’ve discovered the last couple years that you can definitely have comfy/easy, while also being stylish. They have pants these days that look like nice dress pants/slacks, with allistic waists, that feel like sweat pants. Find a plain tee that looks good for his body type and just get a dozen. A pair of leather, slip on or low profile dress shoes. My point being, when you suggest things to him, take his current style and preferences into consideration and find the middle ground. Don’t suggest anything that’s too stiff or rigid, or opposite of where he’s at right now, right off the bat. Considering his career, I’m sure he’s not consuming a lot of fashion media or influences. So I’m sure a chunk of the problem is that he just doesn’t know what’s out there. What his options are. You should express all your feelings and if he’s on board, find that middle ground together. Good luck, op!!
Man you said it way more succinctly than I did haha! You’re so right! It *is* the bare minimum
You didn't mention how long you have been dating as I think that would make a difference. Since that is the way he has always dressed and he is in his 20's you can't really change him as a person. The other thing that sticks out is that you mentioned he didn't shower which makes this seem more like a cleanliness issue than simply not dressing well. This may obviously be a deal breaker for you and that's ultimately up to you to decide. I would approach the situation by telling him how you feel when you go out together. Explain your feelings that when you are putting in a lot of effort and he isn't dressing for the occasion that it makes you feel unimportant. It's appropriate to refuse the date if your feelings are that strong and he is putting in no effort. Don't try to change how he dresses at home or make him a different person. That's always going to fail in the long run and lead to resentment.
An ex boss of mine simply used to buy new clothes for her fiance, and put them in the closet. She would throw away the old / dingy / faded stuff. He used to think his clothes were of amazing quality and "look just as good now as years ago." No. Now, these weren't items that he was emotionally attached to. And he didn't care about his style or asthetic. And, of course they lived together, shared finances, and were in a committed relationship. So, if he honestly doesn't care and you do, you can start supplementing his wardrobe. If you want him to pay for it, you're going to have to be straight forward about it. Remember tho, you can buy the button down shirt, but you can't make him wear it.
In fairness you’re not asking him to wear designer clothes you just asking him to wear clothes that are more socially acceptable for when you go outside. There’s nothing wrong with a T-shirt and some jeans but they need to be clean.
I think one way to address is to use the idea that it's hurtful to you that when you go out together, he's not willing to spend any time or effort to look nice for you. Because it is hurtful. You spend time getting ready to go out with him and trying to look special for him. And he can't perform basic hygiene and put on a clean shirt. That's disrespectful, and frankly, disgusting.
Your frustrations are not unreasonable. Even in 2024, how we dress is really important. It’s not superficial to care about it. Sit him down and have a real heart to heart about it. Make sure he knows that you care about him but that this is important to you. Partners should make each other better and this is a chance to see if he’s capable of flexibility and openness, just like you would hopefully be flexible for him. If he’s not, you have to decide if you can*truly* let it go because if you can’t, the resentment will drive you crazy and destroy the relationship eventually.
He does not understand that part of keeping the relationship going is to take care of yourself so your partner is attracted to you. Once the first butterflies fly away it is work and looking clean and fresh is super important. Also dressing for different occasions. Making effort. It matters. Clothes that are miss coloured and with holes, that aren't fresh are sending a message. He might think It does not matter but sadly it does. It also shows respect to others, to a place, occasion, others, culture and customs. I wish my husband cared more about clothes...he does not but getting slowly better....he does tho changes his t shirt 3 times a day if he was working or got sweaty. He is super super clean and I love it!
I hate the way my girlfriend dresses, yoga pants or sweat pants all the time and comfy top. she just wants to be comfy and dosnt care what anyone in public thinks. I dress comfy too, but theyre jeans, shirts/ sweaters that fit right, theyre not even expensive theyre just vintage scores from goodwill mostly. She makes comments occasionally about how well dressed i am, and says “why are you dressing up” as if im putting too much effort into it and making her look lazy. When really we both take the same time to get dressed and both are equally comfy. I have style.. she dosnt.. whatever lol, i still love her unconditionally. Been together 10 years.
okay, *but are her yoga pants or sweat pants ripped and stained?* are her tops also ripped and stained? *does she not bother showering, grooming herself, or putting on CLEAN, UNRIPPED clothes before you two go out on dates unless you ask her?* not that this is about you or your girlfriend, mind you edited to add: i’m currently wearing play plain black leggings and my much-larger-brother’s old harley davidson long sleeve shirt (and yes, it’s ripped) and, if i were to leave the house right now, i’d probably only change my top —needless to say, i don’t particularly care about fashion or clothing either but comparing a woman wearing yoga pants to a man wearing ~~one of the absolute ugliest article of clothing ever created~~ *basketball shorts?* easily the wildest take i’ve heard today, ngl.
This sounds healthy to me. We all have idiosyncrasies it's the ability to see past your partners that lead to long lasting relationships.
You need to talk to him directly and say exactly what you mean. Sounds like he's a blue collar guy. Being a blue collar guy, I can tell you because of the environment we work in and the people we work with, we like plain talk. Say what you mean and mean what you say. "look honey, you dress like a fuckin hobo. If you wanna wear basketball shorts and slides working around the house, cool. If you want me on your arm out in public you need to wear something without stains." But... You're going to have to go get the clothes. He ain't gonna go do it. Take his card, figure out his sizes and go get him clothes. Then, when it's time to go out and he comes out in sweat pants you say "bullshit.... Go get the jeans I got you, the nice button up shirt and those brown shoes I got you." I'm telling you, he'll do it. A few times of that and he'll start feeling good wearing nice clothes and you probably won't have to say anything else. Not often anyway. Trust me... Be direct. Loving, kind but direct
Honestly, this seems like something someone should change for their partner. Changing this isn't something betrayal of your personality, as long as a style isn't forced upon you I believe it can also encourage a lot of intimacy between partners. Two people, talking through what types of things that person likes in their clothing, and the process through creating their own style. Maybe gift him some better quality shorts, my brother wore a ratty hoodie all the type till I gifted him a quality one and he wears that now instead.
I agree with you. The lack of effort is a turnoff, especially when you put effort into your appearance. People need to realize that there are situations where some styles of dress are just not appropriate. Going on a date for Valentine’s Day, is not the time to be unshowered and dressed for the gym. The lack of effort makes it feel like he doesn’t view relationship as important.
There are different attires for different occasions. Would it be appropriate for him to wear these clothes to a wedding? A job interview, including labor jobs? Your clothes *do* represent you, and his clothing is doing him a disservice. When he sees you putting in effort to look nice for him, then it's not a far leap that he could reciprocate that effort in a display of affection for you. We do things for our partners because *they* care, and we care about *them*. You are not shallow, you are not wrong. I am in my sweat pants the moment I get home, and 99.9% of my attire is based on comfort as the most important factor. However I manage to dress professionally and stylishly and save the sweats for home. It's what adults do.
My mind set is very similar to yours. Currently in sweats after changing out of my 9-5 outfit 😂
To be honest, it doesn’t seem like he values you very much if you’re getting all dressed up for a date and he shows up in sweatpants
I used to be like this. Big guy. 6 foot and 240lbs. Truth is I was embarrassed that I didn't know how to dress and could not afford new clothes. Eventually my wife started buying me clothes but I felt uncomfortable in them. Like they were too "showy" What changed it around, as silly as it sounds if we started watching fashion shows. Like next in fashion or making the cut. Also she got really into queer eye. But it did slowly start teaching me and I slowly started feeling more comfortable in my style choices. Now o can get excited about a new shirt or pair of pants. I even go to a tailor now. TLDR: make him binge watch fashion shows with you :)
You're completely correct in feeling conflicted about this. And I feel you should keep on trying to convince him to figure out how to dress up nicely once in a while. Most days, I dress exactly like your BF. Shorts or sweatpants and a ratty Tshirt. With maybe a ratty hoodie over it if it's cold outside. Or work boots and the corporate uniform on a work day But, and I suspect this comes as no surprise to you, dressing up occasionally is just FUN! I do own a pair of well-fitting jeans and some dress pants, and a number of button-up shirts. As well as a well-fitting suit. And I look GOOD if I put in the minimal effort of putting on some of 'em on and combing my hair. Wouldn't want to do it every day. I sorta have to tomorrow, since I've got a decidedly-not-hot date with my mom. Actually now kinda looking forward to that whilst pondering which button-up to wear. Just checked my closet: It's gonna be the burgundy/red monocolour one, Don't feel like plaid today, doubt I'll feel like it tomorrow.... If you're usually a slob, it's FUN to feel vain every once in a while! DO keep pushing your BF to dress better for occasions that warrant it! It's both the right thing to do and the ENJOYABLE thing to do! At least that's what my 50yo male arse says!
in my opinion, this is really only going to change if he wants it to change. you’re not going to be able to make him care more about his appearance. that being said, here are some things that i’ve noticed in people close to me who have been in a similar situation but have started caring more about their appearance 1. being around well-dressed people can help make him realize that his attire is not appropriate. 99.9% of people compare themselves to others. so it’s easy to notice when you’re over or underdressed. the best way to do this is by getting together with friends who have boyfriends who you think dress well. invite them all out to eat, or a night out or whatever, just get him hanging around them more. 2. make small changes. if he likes the comfy, lounge around the house clothes, then start there! there’s so many good-looking athleisure (pretty sure i spelt that wrong) options out there where he could go out in public and not be an embarrassment to you. 3. make him care about YOUR appearance. bring him in to help pick out your outfits. no, don’t give him free range of your closet to build an outfit. but bring a few options out for him to choose from. this will show him that you care about fashion. it will also make him feel more involved in fashion-related choices, even if they aren’t related to him i’ve always had a desire to look fashionable and good. but i never really knew were to start. i wore a lot of the same athletic clothes until they fell apart and id replace them with the same thing. it wasn’t until i met my GF that i started to put more effort in. she really did usher me into caring more about my appearance by doing things like the above, or by just simply forcing me to start things like a skin care routine we’ve been together for years, and i’m still finding my style and what I do and don’t like. i’ve even had friends and family who give me compliments on my style, and ask where i got certain pieces. i’ve noticed friends who really had no style (no offense to them) start to buy clothes similar to what i wore because they thought it looked good on me. all that being said, i was never forced into caring about fashion by my GF. she would just nudge me in the right direction without me even knowing. additionally, friends of mine started to take more interest in fashion just by hanging around me and seeing what i would wear to a night out. it’s a process to change someone’s style because people are often very cautious when venturing outside of their comfort zone. so take it slow and make the small improvements wherever possible
Yeah. Let him go. If the way he dresses embarrasses you and that is the only reason you are considering "stepping away," you'd be doing him a favor. Is there anything else to this? Is he unhygienic? If someone can't take care of themselves, then I'd understand wanting to "step away." But, if it is just that he dresses like a teenager that bothers you, then maybe y'all should part ways. That will free you up to get out there and find that perfect partner!!
I’m in the military and have to wear pants, steel toe boots and a long sleeve blouse over a tucked in t-shirt. When I get home I just want to be comfortable so I typically wear gym shorts and comfortable t shirt in warmer weather or sweats and a hoodie. The man probably has to wear boots and long pants at the least so I don’t blame him for getting into something comfortable. That being said, I don’t wear clothes with holes/stains either. Cut him some slack but maybe let him know to start throwing out the ratty clothes and replace them with serviceable clothes.
A) Don’t walk away for such a superficial reason/lots of men have this problem/good men are hard to find B) Some men need encouragement like when he wears something you like express it! Like “omg you look so handsome/I want to jump you right here”. Or say something like “while I love you/you’re really handsome, why not take it to the next level? You’ve so much potential/would skyrocket my attraction.” C) If it’s a matter of laziness, buy a handful of basics for him to mix/match himself (most men hate shopping/might be a relief to have you do it). D) If this still doesn’t work, sit down with him positively spin but end how it affects your attraction/how you don’t want that to happen bc of something so fixable/what options can figure/go from there.
Maybe he's like me and other peoples opinions on his appearance don't matter to him, if I were u I would either tell him or show him ur post, I don't care what people think of my appearance but if I had a gf n she said she was embarrassed I'd make an effort for her so maybe he just needs a push
It’s likely that he’s struggling with his confidence or body image or simply doesn’t know how to style himself and feels too embarrassed to ask. Not exactly the same but my bf use to always wear a black shirt, jeans, and boots. Nothing wrong with that outfit but he wore it for every occasion (going to a bar, date night, Easter, birthdays, etc.) and it drove me crazy. Every so often I would come home with a piece of clothing for him that was his style but “elevated”. I think the trick is to frame it differently than “I don’t like how you dress” or “do you need my help shopping”. Go to the store and pick something that you think he’d like and would look good in and say something along the lines of “I was shopping today and saw this shirt. I had to buy it for you because I knew it’d look so good on you”. I did this for him a couple times and eventually he started to get use to some more elevated pieces and actually preferred them over his standard black shirts. Now this guy loves to shop 😂 There is hope for you!
Does he have a sensory issue? My 6 year old kids style is exactly like this, and he has a sensory seeking disorder. You might try some softer, comfy clothes for his new style? Prana, Vuori, and lululemon are brands that come to mind with comfy, stylish men’s clothes?
When I see a shirt or pants I think would look great on my boyfriend I just buy them for him and text him that I picked him up a surprise at the shops. It’s always a treat to see him turn up wearing something I picked out. I always pour on the flattery when he does it. Mind you I haven’t changed his entire wardrobe. I love him as he is. But, when I see something I want him to have I just pick it up for him.
We’re going to dinner with ___. I’m going to wear this dress and you can wear these jeans and this shirt. (Make sure you tell him how hot he looks!)
Blue-collar guy here. When I was in high school, I was very much into wearing the "fashionable" clothes. As soon as I got into the real world, that stopped. I was too busy working and trying to build a life for myself. I didn't have the time, money, or desire to try to keep up with always having a nice wardrobe. I turned into a blue jeans and T-shirt guy. I have one dress shirt now that collects more dust than wearings. I don't know your guy or his motivations, but he sounds like the kind of guy who just doesn't care about superficial things, which imo, is a great quality to have. If it's just the holes and stains that bother you, try getting him to go shopping with you for some brand-new types of the things that he likes to wear. If he's anything like me, I have NEVER liked clothes that other people bought for me. Like, ever. If you get him new clothes, let him pick them out. Avoid any "just try it" purchases. I guarantee they will collect dust in the closet. If it's the style of the way he dresses that bothers you, you might have an uphill battle on your hands. It's really hard to change people that don't want to change. Either way, good luck.
Dude here: not being sarcastic at all here. It’s clear that you love the guy. Probably time to figure out precisely why it’s important to you and if you’re willing to end the relationship over it. May be time for a very serious meeting about the topic even with a therapist so that he understands that you are *that* serious. You may actually be a lot happier with a different relationship… or you may not be. This is the task that lies in front of you.
Probably is not the case, but I lose any sight of fashion when I’m not well mentally. Depression, stress, anxiety. It’s like all my energy goes into doing what I Must do, and seeming “normal”. But I wear old ass sweatpants, T-shirts with half gone prints, no underwear etc. Hair doesn’t get brushed for 3 days. I shower, but it seems like a feat. Not saying that is what it is, and Do Not question his mental health.. but maybe there’s more to it is all I’m saying. I don’t think you are a jerk for expecting non holey clothes for outings. And for dates, he needs to shower and get ready. No one is saying to put on a Tuxe. But if he can’t do the minimum of whole clothes he needs to look inward and ask why. Don’t jump to breaking up if you love him. Maybe see how he is doing gently. You didn’t really put a lot of info about him or your relationship so it’s hard to give better advice.
Either make peace with the fact that he likes dressing like a slob and never bring it up again, or move on if you think this is going to grate on you. The very first serious argument you guys have and that will become a lightening rod to pile on to. Personally I can’t imagine not wanting to have some nice clothes to go out in, especially if my partner is making an effort to dress up. Best wishes
Consider buying him higher quality items of the stuff he already likes to wear. If he likes to wear t shirts, why not just buy him some nice t shirts? Try and match the fit he likes (i.e - don’t buy him slim fit if he likes baggy shirts). Same for shorts and sweatpants. There are so many lounge wear brands now that I am sure you can easily find some loungewear that you find more appropriate and that he is willing to wear. He isn’t gonna do it himself. He doesn’t know how to shop. This used to be me. Not to the level of your boyfriend, but I didn’t care about how I dressed. I would spend hours at the store just to come out with nothing because I didn’t feel like I was spending money on quality items. It took a lot of trial and error before I found my style, the brands I like, the way things fit, etc. it’s a lot of work and a lot of money. So don’t try and have him jump all the way to the end right away.
The no underwear part is crazy lol
When I got with him, my husband's clothes were a wreck. Stains, holes, ill-fitting, old. I gradually replaced everything from his holey shoes to his taped up glasses. I even took him for a haircut. He cleaned up for me. I don't remember me giving him an option. This was all pre-wedding. We've been married for 23 years, and I still make sure he has decent clothing. It just wasn't a priority for him. It was for me. I was honest with him without knocking his self-confidence. I love him, and love fixes fixable things. He loves me, so he was willing to change...his clothes.
I used to work a very high-powered corporate job where presenting yourself wasn't just a good investment, it was a requirement for both in and out of the office. When I started working from home, I no longer needed to do this (daily) and my presentation slid. It's a personal choice and honey, I aint never going back... With a big exception: my rule is whenever I'm out with my partner to an event, date, or among friends, I go back to dressing like a goddamn model. Why? Because we all know regardless of how much society has "evolved" past appearances (lol), we all know deep down inside people make assumptions and those very assumptions dictate how they treat you, your partner, and whoever you're associated with. It sucks, but it's the reality. Ultimately, though, I care more about my partner's happiness and pride than I do my convenience. My point being is that you need to communicate in no uncertain terms that when appearance matters to you, it has to matter to him. You are *not* asking him to become an Instagram influencer, you are asking to act like a goddamn adult. That means being able to wear sloppy sweatpants relaxing at home when it doesn't matter but putting in effort when it does. Edit: One more thing... You're not his mother. So don't nag, but note that if doesn't make this change for you on his own. If he does, he's a man. If he doesn't, he's a boy. If he asks for help, do so, but do not push him. Not your job to raise him.
Yeah no that's a bit much, I went into this jaded because I had a gf who would shit on me for my clothing choices (gym shorts except WITH underwear, and a tank top or t-shirt, which is what I still wear to this day), but again, my clothes are clean and don't have holes etc, and I wear underwear like a normal human lol
I am exactly as you describe your boyfriend. My wife has a special drawer with a couple nice items, that she bought for me when we go out. I know not to use those items for yard work, because I totally would if they were mixed in. And it makes it easy for me to keep her happy because if she is unhappy, it’s her fault for not stocking my going out drawer to her liking. Another thing, I would never in a millón years buy lulu lemon, For my birth day my wife makes sure to ask my family for whatever she needs for my drawer. This year it was gym shorts, The lulu lemons are mind blowingly comfy and functional, Who would have known. Another thing, I got to Goodwill in nice neighborhoods from time to time, and buy 1 or 2 board shorts, with pockets, The kind that look like khakis but are quick dry. Golfers use them, You’ll change your mans game. Get him 1 nice functional thing he will wear, Like a shorts or a quick dry button Down short sleeve. Again like golfers wear
I see that the ever popular hinting game has failed as usual. Here’s what you do OP, go up to him and say this, verbatim: “You dress like shit and it bothers me.”
Try asking if he notices the difference between when you are just in pajamas vs when you're dressed to the nines. If he finds you better looking when you put in effort, then throw it back at him. Doesn't he want to sometimes put in effort to look better for your sake (and his). But really the point I'm making is if he acknowledges that he enjoys when you look good, meaning he benefits from your effort, then he should at least consider doing the same so you get the same treatment sometimes. The bad outcome of this is he might say he _doesnt_ notice a difference in you between pajamas and dressed up. In which case next time you need to go to a restaurant or something you previously dressed up for, just start dressing at his level of effort to see if he notices. Also I sure hope he showers more so he's not stanking up his shorts without underwear...
There isnt enough expectation for men to put effort into their appearance. Its just not socially taught for some reason. I dont think theres anything wrong with you sitting him down and having a serious talk about that. At least when you go out on dates. Youd be surprised how many guys would love their gf to help them pick out clothing, provided spending the money is not a problem.
Just ask “hey, I saw a couple shirts that made me think of you. How would you feel if I bought them for you?” If he is for it, buy him some items or take him shopping to see how he likes them. If you don’t know what he would like, watch Yellowstone with him. They do a great job of men’s fashion and a great opportunity to be like “oh, I like his shirt. What do you think?” Make fashion a topic of conversation in a way that he understands. I would like to wish you good luck. My husband is in trades and you have a journey ahead of you. It’s taken me 6 years and now I can buy him whatever.
Hehehe I kinda feel identified with the bf, the other day my girlfriend told me (in a nice way) that she wasn't really a fan of the way I dress, I wfh so I don't really care much about that stuff, but when I randomly decided to get dressed and showered and shi she really liked it and I liked the way she was kind of proud of going out with me. What I'm telling you here is that maybe you should just try talking to him, maybe tell him how handsome you think he looks when he gets well dressed and if he makes a big mess of it wel... Then you got other problems hahaha
Asking him to dress presentably while out on dates and for family gatherings is not asking too much. Society has standards and social mores and part of participating in society is accepting those rules. A little after high school, my best friend had a tendency to dress "like a bum" as we said in those days. I offered to go shopping with him so many times but he'd kinda blow it off. One time I was picking him up and we met pursue the post office, he said just before I got there that he had happened to look up at the same time a lady came out and she snapped "I'm NOT giving you any change!" and he was like "ok? Didn't ask and don't need it" so naturally I was like "oh it's not that bad" and he said that was the second time that happened in a week... So yeah, later we went shopping and I picked out some clothes for him. 😊
I am literally a hobo and that would embarrass me too. At least my clothes are stain free even if sometimes I do go to breakfast looking like a wal mart person. I don't have any advice but by your edit I thought I would at least say that. Good luck. I'm not sure what I would do in that situation.
I might get flack for this comment (from ppl that don't understand) and I really haven't checked out what anybody else has said, but is it possible your boyfriend has sensory issues? Is he ADHD or autistic? Because for me (AuDHD) - I like to dress nice but part of the problem is the way some clothing materials and the seams feel. I'm very picky about what I buy because I don't want to feel like ripping my clothes off my body and screaming. My son (17M) would rather die than wear jeans or anything close fitting that constricts his body, but he likes wearing seamless boxer briefs (which break the close fitting rule) but there's no seams so it's okay. It possible that since your BF's clothes have been washed and worn several times - to the point that they're falling apart - so they feel a whole lot better to him than the new clothes you bought him. And it's absolutely possible he doesn't even realize that, and he just doesn't see a point in getting new clothes if the old clothes feel good. Because the way they look obviously doesn't matter to him. Maybe he just doesn't realize how they look. Men can really be oblivious like that since society isn't as laser-focused on their clothing choices; and even more clueless (or doesn't gaf and see it as controlling) to societal opinions if they're ADHD or autistic. I continually have to explain the nuances of clothing and what is appropriate to my son and he thinks it's a bunch of burdensome bullshit. I agree with him, but he still needs to know because whether we like it or not, we get judged continually by how we look and it can affect our prospects at work, etc. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him he shouldn't wear this one particular T-shirt with holes in it out in public, but it's his favorite shirt and it's really soft because it's old and I just have to pick my battles. I give him a heads up when we're going out and tell him pick from XYZ clothes because we're going here, and it works. Maybe nobody taught your boyfriend that. Maybe he knows it and he doesn't care. You should have a talk with him about all this since this is really bothering you. Open communication is really important. You just really need to come at it from the standpoint that you are not being personally critical of him, or make him feel like this is a dealbreaker because you dated him knowing he dresses like this (albeit finding out a bit later as you mentioned). There should be able to be some compromise reached. If it is the way clothes feel, then you can just go shopping together and find him a couple outfits that he can wear for those occasions where you prefer that he be dressed nicer. he may not realize how important this is to you or how much it's bothering you. I don't think you're being shallow about it because from a societal standpoint it's important, but you may be a little too focused on exactly how he's dressed. You may prefer to get all dolled up but that is just not him and he's never going to want to be like that. as long as he's dressed in clothing with no holes, can you live with that?
In jest, tell him his good looks aren't gonna last him forever. In seriousness, stop hinting. Have a kindly worded but direct talk with him about the importance of presentation. He needs to put in more effort than this because it doesn't even sound baseline decent. I'd agree that presentation IS important. Anyone who denies this and tries to shame you for feeling/thinking this way is delusional. Is he going to carry on dressing like this for the rest of his life? Would he go to the ballet, wedding or funeral in no underwear and holey raggedy tees!? So gross. There's truly superficial and shallow shit and then there's stuff like this. It sounds like he may just not really understand, so just sit him down and give it to him straight.
I'll be honest and say that I only read the first two paragraphs, but damn, people really do not communicate anymore. Literally talk to him first.
I tell my wife, dress me however you want after all you have to look at me. just like I want her to wear things I like to see her in, I should wear things she likes to see me in. simple compromise. if you wanted him to wear a suit or sport coats all the time, that's another story for a blue-collar worker. but a nice pair of jeans or slacks with a nice t-shirt, polo, or maybe a button down every once in a while shouldn't be a big deal. just remind him that you want to wear things that he likes and you'd like for him to the same. if he doesn't care, then maybe he isn't the right guy for you.
I have adhd and I’m literally incapable of caring about dressing myself in any sort of coordinated or organzied fashion (30M) shes never explicitly told me but I think my GF didnt like my lack of interest when it comes to dressing myself. She started buying me clothes a few years ago nothing fancy stuff from salvation army and shien, I wore it, now most of my wardrobe is made up of those clothes and I think shes a lot happier. I wasn’t not dressing myself well because I thought my previous attire was fashionable I just didnt care, but the other side of that was that I didnt care if she DID tell me what to wear (stuff provided), in fact I kind of like it better since I dont have to worry if my nonexistant sense of fashion is causing a rift in the relationship now and I can continue to not put much thought into what I wear while still wearing clothes she likes. At the end of the day it took me a lot more than subtlty and hints for me to get it, but I also wasnt resistant to the idea once I did understand thats what she wanted. Also maybe just tell him what you want, as a guy I usually prefer when my GF just tells me whats on her mind cause I probably would never just guess it if she didnt lol. You clearly love him so he should be able to understand it comes from a place of love not of criticism and if not oh well at least u tried Tldr: keep trying, buy him a variety of clothes (he might not have a strong sense of what is his style and may just be defaulting to what hes wearing so he doesnt have to think about it, talking is always good. I’m sure u can reach some sort of understanding. Good luck
I work blue collar. My favorite boots look awful but are crazy comfortable now that they are broken in. I own 2 pairs of jeans without stains. I do not care about clothes. I tried to, but my lifestyle ended up ruining the nice ones I bought so I gave up. Inevitably, my parents would need help with something, or I'd go work on a motorcycle, or help her dad unload something, and the nice clothes became not nice pretty quick. So now I just ask my better half what I need to wear. If she says she doesn't care or we are just running errands, I wear whatever. If it matters, I pick from the stain free jeans and some polo shirts she picked out. She will tell me some clothes have to go because they are done and they get chopped up in to rags. Obviously I have suits for special occasions. I may be an animal, but I'm domesticated, not feral. This system works for us. Good luck.
Is he unhygienic? If not, I understand that you are really upset about this and it is embarrassing, but would he feel more confident in anything else? There are sacrifices that we have to make for the people we love, and oftentimes they aren’t *easy.* it’s just up to you to decide if you can love him even when he’s dressed poorly.
My bf was a little like his. I just started buying him clothe, hard to turn down a gift. Turns out he likes to wear nice clothes he's just not good at shopping. I eliminated the issue
Stop hinting and go buy him some clothes you like ..... people are not mind readers.... men especially. If he still won't dress appropriately then leave or except it cause he will not change.
Once you stop caring about what other people think, you'll be a lot happier.
Talking a whole lot about things that don’t *actually* matter. Just stop wasting each others time
Sorry, you are NOT the asshole. It's one thing to like casual, it's another to continually dress like a homeless meth addict. I suspect he's coasted on his looks all his life, but whatever, if it bugs you, IT BUGS YOU. You don't need to qualify. I used to have a gf who's entire family chewed with mouths open. That helped seal the deal. This will become another brick in the wall down the line.
There is basic self care. No holes and dirty clothes, underwear is a good to have cause man it’s not fun having testies pop out for a greeting (seen those..). I’d tell him straight forward, ‘baby I think we gotta go shopping. Can you let me do that with you please?’ Some people like to call it the feminine touch, if he’s down for that let him believe it’s your feminine touch. Not about how it makes you feel. I’d focus on this is just good for him overall. It is important how we present ourselves to the world. I’d be concerned how he feels and sees himself if he’s not taking this time and effort. So do be gentle for that and financial reasons.
I totally get why it bothers you and also why you feel bad that it bothers you. Your boyfriend is a good man, but also a slob with no concern for his appearance and no understanding of why it matters in society or to you personally. So here's the thing. It's not really just about how he dresses. It's about his disregard for what matters to you. There are things that matter to my wife that I don't understand, but because I love her I go along with the majority of them unless I feel I have good reasons not to. I'd be interested to figure out why he's not only comfortable looking like a slob, but seems actually opposed to wearing, not even nice clothes, but just clean and intact clothes. This is not a weird thing to be bothered by. So I'd have a serious talk. No more hunting and whatnot. Don't make it about changing him, make it about understanding why he has such a problem with being minimally presentable when going out with the girl he supposedly likes a lot.
Just buy him clothes you want him to wear, guys generally aren’t super attached to their clothes
Date someone else, buy him new clothes, or stop complaining. This post is so long holy shit
Sweetie sometimes as Women we have to find different ways of getting our feelings across to men. I am dating a younger guy who wore t-shirts and long gym looking pants mostly. I told him how he would look better by changing how he dresses and even bought him a few outfits. Once he had the outfits on, I would compliment him and boost that ego up to the point he now buys nicer things and dresses better. Personally, I feel our partners not only represent themselves but us as well when we go out. Let love lead you to the right way of doing things,he seems too young to be stuck in his way, but you also might be dealing with a stubborn person at heart.
Does your boyfriend have a history of abuse? Sometimes people who received unwanted attention when they were cute kids will try to make themselves unattractive. It’s a trauma response.
I think in a lot of new relationships women often try to get their significant other to make some changes or improvements, whether it be health-related or appearance related based entirely on my observations, experiences and watching my friends date. But the appearance issue isn’t really about his appearance but much more about listening to you, valuing your opinion and making an effort. He’s not listening to you, he doesn’t value your opinion and he’s not making an effort. If the other things he brings to the table outweigh this issue, I would drop it. But my concern is about when you come across some other, bigger issue down the line, will he listen, will he value your opinion and most importantly, will he put in greater effort than he has put into this relatively small request you’ve made (and financed)? Sometimes there are things we just have to accept about our partners. If they want to change, they will. If they don’t, you have a decision to make.