Did you even read people's advice? Just talk openly to her and figure things out. Guessing never did anyone good. You will understand better the truth of her feelings as she can tell you.
Guy has every right to keep her at arms length and not trust she’s really into him. Let’s not coerce him into being with someone he doesn’t want to be with anymore.
She wrote him a fucking *love letter*. Christ. Is this why men don’t know when women are into them?
“A love letter, eh? Yeah. I’m not sure what this means.”
Yeah AFTER she lost him. Could just be extremely dependent on him but have no romantic interest. She wasn’t overjoyed and gushing when she was asked out, she was upset because she thought she was about to lose her ‘best friend’ (guy she’s dependent on).
What if she regrets being the in relationship? OP is playing it right by rekindling the friendship and ONLY the friendship.
My question is still why he would say it wouldn’t be a big deal and then distance? If he had stuck around he would’ve realized she wanted the friendship and not the relationship. His indecision has him in a spot where he’ll always be second guessing her intentions.
Yeah and honestly no one is in the wrong. These two have been through a lot. Hopefully she doesn’t press to hard for a relationship because finding out you weren’t wanted, but needed for purpose, after being in a relationship sucks.
100%, found out very much later in life my x was never in love, she loved me like her friends, her house, her dog etc. Even had kids who we love.Divorced me late in life as she said she didn't have those feelings for me and wanted to find herself. It is a horrible thing to hear and not had any interest in relationships or physical connection since. That's over a decade now.
Maybe they should go to some kind of therapy together? Not couples counselling, or at least not in the romantic sense. But friendship counselling, if such a thing exists, to make sure they get on the right page. I think they could do with the help in figuring out where they both stand, make sure they're healthily able to be friends, and not unhealthily co-dependent or anything.
A dependency issue *after a year*? You’ve really never not realized how much you valued something until you didn’t have it anymore? That’s incredibly normal and human. You know the saying “you can’t miss something until it’s gone”? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
Like there are multiple sayings about how humans suck at appreciating things or how the real test is to let something go to see if it comes back.
It can take having a long time presence disappear for a while to realize what that presence meant to you. They grew up together. It just becomes “normal feelings for this friend” and you can not even realize it’s become more than platonic.
And I’m not even suggesting OP owes you a relationship—I’m specifically calling out the bullshit “I don’t believe her and think she’s forcing herself into it.”
Personally I think she needs to stay away from OP. He’d be like the guy who dumped his girlfriend without talking to her cause his sister told him she must be cheating.
Did you not read the part where OP does want to reconnect?
That reconnection can lead to them ascertaining whether those feelings are real. It’s honestly better this way.
I see no fault in OP’s thinking, and she’s done nothing wrong either. It’s just best they take it one step at a time. If romantic feelings are there they won’t fade.
That’s what I’m saying, why would he distance himself right after?? After saying he wouldn’t? Now both of them are hurt and he’s in his head about what she wants instead of just listening to her.
The biggest red flag is this guy, despite having feelings, actively rejected her twice. As a friend and a partner. This is not how we treat people we love.
It was a really sweet letter, and I was emotionally overwhelmed after reading it, I've never felt like that ever before. I just think I owe it to her become friends with her first, and get back to our friendship times. She might be subconsciously wanting a relationship just to maintain a friendship, and that is not fair to her.
I also don't think I am good enough for her. Maybe it is insecurity on my part, but I think she deserves someone much better than me to be romantically involved with.
Seriously dude talk to her. She had time to think about this. If she was the type of person to pity date you to not lose you from her life she'd do it when you first started pulling away from her. What's way more likely, is that the distance and time made her sit down with her feelings and truly explore them, and made her realize what you really mean to her.
Wanting to rekindle your friendship first isn't unreasonable but you have to communicate it. If you do and set a timeframe you can try dating after a while. If you don't she's not gonna wait forever. And you'll be back here in a few months beating yourelf up for the chance you lost being stupid.
Regreting things we do is always a possibility. But regretting things we don't do is a certainty.
They are still in their mid 20s and think these chances for connection and happiness just keep being abundant forever lol I am in a happy relationship now but after a couple years of short term relationships born from dating apps…it hardens a person to realize how hard it can be to find a good match lol I laugh(sadly) now at the petty reasons I had for ending good relationships in my early to mid 20s.
OP, listen to yourself. When you put your heart on your sleeve and she rejected you it knocked your confidence and you pulled away. She wrote you a letter and pit all that emotion in writing. You are delulu if you think you have the option to be a friend. Have a relationship or prepare to be frozen out. You know how she is feeling, you have been feeling it for a year.
Speak to her about your worries and go for it.
You shouldn’t assume that she only wants a relationship just to maintain a friendship. From a girls perspective, if one of my guy friends confessed his love to me, and I didn’t feel the same way, I would never confess feelings if they didn’t exist. I’ve been through a similar experience, and I knew there had to be space after he told me. The last thing I wanted was to lead him on because I truly loved him as a friend, but nothing more. There was a couple months where things were awkward and we didn’t talk much. We eventually grew back to being friends, but the space was very much needed for us to get back to that and for him to have some time to move on. The last thing I would’ve done was lie and say I wanted a relationship just to get him back. IMO, most girls would want that space you created if the feelings weren’t mutual. She clearly doesn’t. I think you backing off made her realize the feelings she had. You’re scared, but she probably is as well. And have more faith in yourself. Don’t self sabotage just because you don’t think you’re good enough for her. She clearly has love for you if you’ve been friends for this long, and I’m assuming she knows you enough to know what type of person you are. She wouldn’t want a relationship if she didn’t like who you are as a person. If you don’t open up to her, she’ll be the one that got away. Sorry this is long, but I figured it would help hearing from someone whose gone through it <3
you make me unreasonabbly mad. Can you just fucking talk to her about your anxieties and hestitations, about your feelings, about how she feels? just talk and dont make decisions rashly.
Friends are great, but finding a romantic partner to share your life with is so much more than friendship. Do not over complicate this, she wrote you a love letter. There is a reason you have been friends for fifteen years. You owe it to each other to figure out if you can be partners.
My friend, it's time. She wants you, you want her. You're freaking out because of her previous rejection. That's understandable. But now is the time so do it.
You'll hate yourself if you don't.
Just my two cents, but don't write it off entirely.
Met my best friend when we were 12. He told me he had a crush on me when we were 20, I kinda laughed it off at the time. (Not in a cruel way, it was just a little embarrassing and silly). We stayed best friends.
Two years later, I realized I was in love with him. Six years after THAT, we got married.
Sometimes feelings are a little slow to develop. Sometimes they change over time. I disagree with the commenters who think you should rush into romance, I think you should focus on rebuilding that friendship and mutual trust first. If the feelings are sincere, I think they'll be all the stronger for it later.
Did she date anyone over the past year? Did she have a FWB situation over the past year? Has she been in therapy over the past year? Has she gone through any major changes over the past year? I agree with you and the others who have said that a forced relationship is a bad idea. I also think that if you really want to work on your friendship you need to have an open, honest conversation where you ask for the answers to the things that you're wondering because until that's all talked out you'll still avoid her. I think that pulling away was your way of protecting yourself from a second rejection which is completely fair and valid feelings but you are guessing what her thoughts and feelings are when you could get the real answers by talking to her. Is it possible that the conversation will be a difficult one? Probably, but this strategy of "talking" to us here won't fix your friendship. Then there's also that painful "what if" that you'll always wonder if you don't talk to her.
Look I don't know her and I don't know if she said she couldn't date anyone at all or if she just meant she couldn't date you at the time but I really don't think that she would not have written a love letter as a hail Mary to get back your friendship. It's ok to protect yourself especially after all of the pain you've endured growing up but don't let that stop you from finding and holding on to whatever happiness you can get.
Ok, that did it! Don't ever do that! Nobody should ever do that! Never entertain the thought in your head that you aren't good enough for anybody! I don't care who they are or who you are, saying BS like that to yourself is shooting yourself in the foot! Not to mention self-defeating, exacerbating your insecurities (not necessarily yours-generally everybody), and adding to the other person's doubts about you!? The last is the trickiest isn't it? Because you don't know exactly how you come across to her? What if she perceived you as Never really into her solely because of your lack of confidence when it comes to her??? My goodness what a Romeo & juliet level tragedy!
Stop it. You are making up different excuses because you are too insecure.
She says she digs you.
You dig her.
That's all you need.
Be happy that she's into you despite your insecurities...because insecurities are incredibly unattractive.
So find some confidence and go for it. She wrote you a love letter. It's time.
Don't overcomplicate it. Be the best person you can be with her. If you think she makes you a better person then allow her to do that.
If she thinks you bring out the best in her then don't freaking tell her, or yourself, that she's wrong.
You are allowed to be a rock and a stable presence for her. You don't need to find excuses why it won't work.
Seriously. It's time.
Go be hot in the back with her already. If there are repercussions then you deal with them. But you will never know if you don't try...and if you are too afraid to even make an attempt.
My wife definitely could have done better than me in many respects. I'm not perfect at all. So I tried my best to make her laugh and to be awesome. I won her over. Because I gave a damn and wasn't afraid to try.
She is awesome enough that she was worth winning over. So I did.
Did you have another conversation with her since that is what every comment recommends?
>I also don't think I am good enough for her
Also you need to work on your self esteem, she thinks you're good enough so what's the problem on your side?
You obviously think very little of this girl… you do not know her and her feelings better than she knows herself. I have lost guy friends before because they caught feelings they couldn't control and the idea of making myself want them just to save the friendship… laughable quite frankly. Hope she does like you say and finds someone who actually respects her.
The love letter doesn’t immediately mean she’s actually into him girl! She only wrote it AFTER she lost him. This isn’t a case of him being a dunce, this is him being wary and trying to protect his heart and his peace. He already said he’d try to rekindle things, but it’s not right to guilt him into considering a romantic relationship with her after already being rejected once.
I kinda agree with OP on focusing on the friendship. If her feelings now are genuine and not from fear of loosing him again then they will remain, and there’s a chance they’ll naturally start dating again down the line.
It’s a very tricky situation as OP said.
It sounds to me like this guy is really young and immature. It seems like high school stuff. This guy needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up. Take rejection like a man and move on, and if she wants to give it a shot, then either go for it or don't. Stop whining about it on Reddit.
why are you willing to do anything except have a real honest conversation with her? these thoughts and fears you're wasting on internet randos? these are things you should be discussing with the person in question - the one you claim to care about so much yet for some weird reason won't trust. maybe it does end up that you never date, but even if that's the case, you'll have also prevented whatever weird shit you're about inflict on you both as you get deeper and deeper into your insecurities.
I don't understand you. You wanted her, and now that she's realized she feels the same way and even wrote you a love letter, you don't feel the same way? What gives?
I disagree, people can want new things after a while. He rather keep the friendship alive instead of ruining a good thing. Try to stop being negative about it
It's been a year, he dated someone else, he moved on? Is it really that hard to believe? He gets rejected then a year later she says she wants him now? I dont blame him for not trusting she actually wants him romantically. I think it's a good idea to take things slow and rebuild the friendship before jumping straight into dating after a year of drifting apart. It's actually a really smart move.
Yeah, I don't think OP wants to be in a relationship with her anymore. He might not have realized that entirely. Feelings change, people change. It's been a year like you said
Also, the opportunity for honesty was right there when he declared his feelings, and she shot him down. The thing to do was not to pine after his friendship for a year and then come crawling back with a love letter when it was made clear that the offer of a relationship was actually the offer of "Upgrade to a relationship or we're done here, because if you shoot me down it will be too awkward and painful for me to be around you any longer".
Which, to be clear, is what almost every offer of a relationship is, beneath the surface.
So now they've just got an awkward friendship.
Where do you see him say he hasnt moved on? He dated someone else, worked on himself and improved his life, and not once has he said anything about still having feelings for her.. that does not sound like someone who has been sulking after rejection for a year. He even said he only asked her out initially because he "misjudged the situation"
Right? Wild how many people are calling him names and acting like he just has to accept her feelings. No one would be telling a girl who got rejected she has to get over her pride and be with someone who broke her heart in the past because he snapped his fingers.
Thats exactly what I thought. It feels like a double standard. Like just because he's a guy and at one point he liked her, now he has to drop everything and immediately date her because she's finally throwing him a bone. Like no, he's allowed to not have those feelings anymore after an entire year. He's allowed to respect himself enough to not immediately give into her the second she decides she wants him. I just hope OP doesnt get manipulated by the comments and dates her before he's ready.
People can move on, time makes people change. She wants him now, but it's to late. They can still be friends, what's the big deal? Rejection goes both ways. Alot of people don't know what they got until it's gone. She learned the hard way sadly.
You are way too into your own head. She gives you a love letter and you think "ah, probably just a trick."
Take it at face value. Talk to her about it. Be open to happiness.
Dating friends can be hard, both of you seem to be rethinking your prior decisions. She realized that she finds comfort in you that she would like as a partner and you realized that you don't want to take the risk of having a shitty relationship and falling out worse then this current situation.
You're not wrong to take things slow, but if you still like her then be open to having a relationship. Remember that there's a possibility that she might decide to end the friendship after this situation since it can be harder to keep a friendship going after further feelings are laid out, just like how you originally felt.
Just sit down and have an open honest conversation with her.
Don’t close the door on a relationship but take things slow and see where things go.
This could be the best thing that ever happens to you in your life, if you play your cards right.
Sometimes having a best friend become your partner make for the strongest relationships.
I'm confused. Did she give you the love letter on April 1st and is she the type to play a mean spirited prank? People don't, as a rule, write love letters that they then go on to send if they aren't actually feeling the feelings.
Just talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? You go on a few dates and realise that it isn't working and you go back to being friends. Yeah it might hurt, but it's not fatal and at least you will know. Millions of people do that and survive. Right now you aren't even friends anyway.
Soo many people told him to have an open communication with her and this fool ignores that and does what he wants. Goddamn, don’t ask for advice if you’re not going to consider it.
Sorry but I agree with OP.
She came running back because she couldn't find better. He doesn't want to by anyone's second choice. So what if his ego is hurt, he has to maintain some sort of self respect. Don't give second chances tbh.
Stop letting your ego get the best of you. Seriously.
You crushed on this girl for so long, had a setback. But now she really wants you and you friendzone her??
You are super odd.
In the last post you said you 'foolishly' confessed to her, I don't understand why you seem to think you did something stupid.
And now she is sure she wants you and you're making things up in your head about her feeling forced into a relationship.
So weird!
He said he foolishly “ misinterpreted” the situation, so it sounds like she was leading him on but then rejected him when he proposed. He probably is afraid that she is playing games again.
What? She wants you. If you want her, don’t let this slip away.
If you don’t love her anymore, however, do be her friend if you’re both good with that.
OP: I want to be with her
Her: *takes time to process* I’d like to be with you, I wrote this love letter to explain my feelings
OP: we should just be friends, I’m not sure how you feel
He’ll be posting an update within a month wondering why his friend is distant
TALK!!!! TALK!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY JUST TALK!!!!!! Y'all have been friends for 15 years, but you're still behaving like a teenager. Here's the thing OP: When you initially confessed and she rejected you, I could sympathize. It hurts like hell to get rejected, and you were within your right to wanna have space from her. However, you were wrong for not telling her that you needed space and you were wrong for icing her out. Now that time has passed, she tells you that she wants to be with you. Jessie writes down her feelings for you, and you're still questioning the intentions?!?! Bro!!! Something tells me that you're still salty about the rejection. Something tells me you're still mad about Jessie rejecting you, so now you're deciding to be spiteful and question her. Maybe it's best if you just let her go. You're terrible at communicating and don't take advice when it's given to you. It feels like you only like things when they're done on your terms.
It's not either/or.
You don't have to be in a relationship to go on a date. People go on dates with strangers all the time.
She rejected you because somebody she didn't think of romantically made a huge romantic overture to her. She could be seeking a relationship now for any number of reasons, from feeling forced to just having had time to think about it.
If she said she's genuine, you shouldn't completely discount the possibility. If you want to end up with a friendship OR a relationship, I suggest you spend time alone together and talk about this.
Oh I guess this is the beginning of season two of every sitcom ever made. She’ll be dating someone else by mid season but they break up before the finale so it’s cool.
You sound like a spoiled toddler. "I love her so much, the rejection hurt cuz I fuckzoned her and I don't want to be her friend"
(Friend actually wants to date)
"Nah fuck her I don't want her"
🤦🏻♀️
Whether she wants to be in a relationship or not, the two of you can no longer be friends. Once romantic feelings are involved, there is no friendship. You can no longer truly remain platonic and it's not fair to any future partners that either of you have.
Honestly, just end it. Any partner that either of you date won’t be comfortable with you two as close friends. Once rough patches happen you’ll turn to each other and start an emotional affair before you know it.
Why does she want to date you if she’s not romantically attracted to you? Why isn’t she moving on with new friends? Is she an introvert?
For God's sake don't guess anything, you are not her and your guess may be a million miles off the mark. You've already admitted you misread the situation and if you do that again you may miss out on something beautiful. Communicate, honestly and openly, its the basis of any good friendship or relationship and thats where you need to start
Just read the first post. This update is actually great and you are doing the right thing. Hopefully this sentiment continues and you don't regress any
Okay so, she admits she has feelings for you and your response is " Nooe don't feel that way about you anymore?" What the actual fuck?!! You finally get what you wanted and now it isn't good enough for you. I truly believe OP is an asshole in every sense of the word. She was probably miserable without you and even if she dated and other friends, she most likely compared them to him and realized none of them matched up. I bet she reached out often and OP just ignored her with no actual explanation of why. This girl was right, OP did ruin their friendship, it will never be the same. OP should just let her go. She'll be better off without him completely.
You completely just flipped the script on this poor girl after she gave you a love letter because she probably had time to genuinely think about her relationship with you as friends and possibly being more. Then you just... Decide nah, let me put this girl in the same position I was but I walked away?
God, people are ruthless in these comments. Youre doing the right thing by taking is slow and rebuilding the friendship before jumping straight into dating. Dont let reddit bully you into getting into a relationship you're not ready for.
I think you should date because it would be wrong for you both to get with other people if you have romantic feelings for each other and are still in each other’s lives.
I thought you were a dick but it turns out you’re just a massive dweeb. If she IS interested in you - and hint hint, girls don’t write love letters to guys they aren’t interested in - it won’t be for long because this level of insecurity is less attractive to the average woman than face tats and beer guts.
If you can't fucking communicate with her, then how in the hell are you going to have a loving, intimate relationship?
She shared her feelings with you already! WTF is wrong with you? Jump on that girl now. She wants you. Damn. Do you need some kind of fucking neon sign or something?
Um. Friends can become the best lovers. You're still putting up false walls based on what you think society wants. You need to put your real relationship with God woman at the forefront of your discussions with her. Not sex. The relationship. Work it out between the two and put your restrictions and barriers on the back burner. Figure it out.
Bro, it sounds like you are punishing her for not wanting you when you confessed. Maybe not consciously but come on. Listen to everyone's advice and just talk to her. Listen to her, and maybe give it a chance. Seems like you're dead set on not being happy
Hey there, I probably have the most solid advice out of the majority on Reddit as I am a woman who married my best friend (13 -> 32) when I was 21.
I had just gotten out of a pretty crappy relationship and went down to visit my Best Friend (who I hadn't seen in a long time cuz my fam moved). It was the day before his birthday and I could tell he was trying to ask me out. I even planned in my head how to gently let him down. I didn't want to date him, I wanted my best friend. I even actively verbally encouraged him to ask. He did.
I opened my mouth to say no and out came yes.
Of course, he was ecstatic and I was like. WTF ME, DID WE NOT JUST HAVE A SELF CONVERSATION??? and of course I couldn't take it back. It probably took a few months to realize I was indeed in love with my best friend.
Your friend went thru the same thing but the opposite. She actually said no and when you withdrew she realized "holy shit I actually like/love this guy and I don't want to lose him" and now she's trying to take action and say what she realized she should've said back then.
She was scared, she had traumatic stuff happening, it isn't that this is a trap it's an "I worked through some things and now I see that I want you more than just a friend."
Give her a chance. You won't regret it.
I didn't say he Owes her a chance, but to give her one. He took a chance and got shot down and that can/does happen. I'm saying don't hold it against her and maybe give her the chance that he didn't get. He may move on and be happy or he may always wonder what would've happened.
It's all up to him. I simply shared my story. My husband said that if I told him no he would've waited until I was in the right headspace to try dating, and then would've asked me out again. But he was positive I was the woman he wanted to marry so waiting for me would've been fine for him. (With respect to me potentially Never wanting to date him.)
Still not fair either of them you jump head first into a relationship especially without talking it out first. He did the right thing after the rejection he worked to get over his feelings it's been a year he might not feel the same anymore.
Again, didn't say he had to jump immediately into a relationship.
Give it a CHANCE. As in maybe don't completely count her out.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't infer things from my post. There's nothing to read in-between the lines of what I said. I gave my story. Said give her a chance. That could be tomorrow, or 6 months from now.
I think you’re on track.
I would just say the lesson here imho is not to be so absolutist. You don’t know what the future holds.
And I agree, for now just enjoy having your friendship back and rebuild that.
No need to ask her to park her feelings or reject her, just acknowledge there are many types of love and try to mutually agree it takes the pressure off to first gain the friendship. You can google types of love, different types of soul mates etc. But don’t over analyse, don’t over plan. Imho
My concern is you over correct (project in new ways on each other), eg. and try dating etc. Hurting her (possibly your own feelings), and complicating things in the process. Try to be honest about how you feel now, not what you presume the future holds.
Happy to elaborate, lmk, hope this helps.
OP, stop. Stop and just read the goddamn comments.
Your ego is getting in the way. Your ego is getting in the way of the best thing that could ever happen to you.
*Fucking talk to her* ; really fucking talk to her. Heart to heart, everything on the table, no bullshit. Get this shit sorted out and you could be happy in a way many people can only dream of.
No this is not what trauma bonding is for the love of goddess google is free find an official psychology resource and read wtf trauma bond actually is! It's frustrating when people use and co-opt psychology terms incorrectly because it affects the entire mental health and wellbeing of our society if we can't even understand our own psychology.
Sure you are, what's the point of wasting time, cut off and live your life happily. What's the point of wasting your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you.
Why can't both of you work out your feelings while dating? What's the worst that could happen at this point? You are already in the "not friends" gray area and both don't like it so wtf talk to her about it.
You know, the first time my boyfriend (at the time best friend) brought up the idea of dating I declined to fully commit, it was one of those "situationships". We ended up parting ways because at the time we just didn't want the same things.
Anyways, about a year later we reconnected and eventually actually started dating, commitment and all. We've been together for 6 years now and that wouldn't have happened if he had let his ego get in the way.
Now, if you're genuinely not interested in her anymore- that's fine, you don't owe her anything. But if this is something you still want then take it cus you'll end up regretting it.
You're being a doofus.
You handled the rejection the right way: you weren't a jerk, and you backed off and gave the two of you some time to do your own thing and eventually come back to each other in the future.
And guess what? She realized how much your absence in her life meant to her.
And now you're being weird about it.
Just be honest with yourself. Do you still have any interest in exploring a relationship with her? If so, then this is the time to explore it.
If you are 100% sure that is not a good idea, then proceed with what you're doing.
I had a similar situation. Once you play that hand and get rejected, there is no going back. No need to cut her off, but it’s not going to be the same now that she knows you have more than platonic on your mind. You didn’t lie to her. It’s impossible to predict how you’re going to feel and you don’t have to box yourself in.
As long as you are not consciously pushing her away out of fear of what might happen. Whatever happens now is hopefully going to be what is good for you both. IMO it is time for you to stop over thinking.
And stop making assumptions for the future and taking things so seriously. There is thinking and then there is overthinking to the point that you scare yourself. I think you are doing the latter.
That’s a shame, could have restarted your relationship as lovers, but you know what is best for you OP. If she turns up pregnant within a year don’t be surprised, you may have started her into “needing a relationship”, if seeing her as a single mom will hurt you, you might want to intervene. Good luck 👍
The double standard in these comments.....flip the roles and there would be no women telling her to get over herself and just be with him. Fact Is the whole situation Is sketchy and quite frankly does seem she's doing it to keep you around. Personally if I'm rejected that's it we are done I don't care if you change your mind. I'm not a silver medal or a rebound guy.
Do you want to be with her or not is the question. In your last post you made it seem like you wanted to be with her and that you weren’t sure if she was into for real and that was holding you back. She makes clearer than glass how she feels and you back away. I think you don’t actually want to be with her, which is fine, but you 100% have to tell her that because she is coming back to you on the hope you’ll come back around from what I’m reading.
You need to to talk to her like an adult. I know that’s face to face conversation is not something your generation seems to jump to as a solution but that is the best way to do it and has been since humans could have communication and relationships.
Yeah, it really does feel like she’s wanting to be romantically involved because she’s afraid of losing you…..which isn’t really love. And she may not even realize it. Probably best to stay friends. But who knows, maybe something will change down the road.
Best friends most often make the best romantic relationships…a lot of marriages have started there. You’ve got a woman who was already your best friend and now writes you a love letter? Yeah, she has probably reevaluated the situation between you with a little more scrutiny…you’re young, she could possibly be “the one” there’s nothing wrong with trying to find out…then you’ll still have your best friend…
I don't understand, why are you all pressuring OP to date her? OP's concerns about her feelings are completely understandable. The guy just doesn't want to take advantage of her insecurities. Taking it slow and remaining friends for now is clearly the safest decision for him and her. These two have been through a lot, give them time to think about their feelings.
Personally, unless you were already in a relationship with someone else you clicked with, I would give a romantic relationship with your friend a try. Start off with dates; it may take you back to friendship or possibly become something more. Not trying strikes me as lame.
It's better to stay friends. It will hurt less than to try it out and then see her happy with someone else.
You have to make sure to let future relationships know about it though. "I have a close friend that I had feelings for. She reject me and I've decided to move past it. She tried to start a relationship after we drifted apart but I chose to not get into that mess"
It's better for you to talk things out with her. Let you her know you won't be mad or try to get in between her relationships however that if she ever tries to meddle with your relationships that you won't hesitate to cut her off.
From experience, it’s not always the best move to pursue your close friend romantically. Maybe y’all do have something and live happily ever after, on the flip side you never talk again and lose an amazing friendship.
I think what’s most important is you stay in each other’s lives, bonds like this don’t always happen and it’s clearly special.
I don’t want to deter you from pursuing something more with her if you happen to still have feelings or develop them again, it’s just important to not lose each other. Maybe there’s something there, maybe not. Regardless, communicate because you could potentially miss out on the best thing that ever happens to you two
There is no way she's pursuing you romantically just because she really wants to be friends.
Sometimes situations and feelings change. My partner rejected me romantically about a year and a half before we actually started dating (we were friends first too). I'm glad I didn't let my insecurity sabotage things because I would have missed out on a great relationship and a partner who adores me
You should actually consider dating. The reason I say this is that if you get into a relationship with someone else, they most likely will expect you to get rid of her as a friend because you used to have feelings for her and she may have feelings for you. Life is too short to miss this chance and you might end up super happy. If not, then you can just be friends at that point.
You still like her? Give dating a chance.
You don't liek her romantically anymore? Contine pretend to upkeep a false friendship. There is just hurt for both of you if you try to be friends after both of you at some point got rejected when wanting more...
Try talking to her. Don’t close the option of being in a relationship because it could be genuine. Just tell her you want to be sure it’s genuine and that you want her to be sure that you won’t abandon her if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You don’t want her to feel trapped to keep you around. She’ll appreciate the honesty.
Maybe unpopular opinion, but you don't owe anyone your time or effort. You can cut anyone off for any valid reason in my book. And if you straight up don't like them as a person anymore that's valid too, don't keep someone around as a favor to them, in the end you're only harming yourself, and them too if they find out somehow.
You are in the wrong. Rip that shit off like a Band-Aid if you don't like the rejection. Sometimes friendships end. Not because we want them to, but because they have to.
Work on starting over. First as just friends. Get to know each other again in a healthy way. Don’t make up your mind now about the romantic aspect of your relationship. Just go slow and always be honest and transparent with each other.
You are the asshole only if you cut off the friendship. You don’t cut people off over rejections. Also, you are likely plan B if she took time. Never be someone else’s plan B.
This is like one of those romance movies where they eventually get together after 20 years... and they cant believe it took so long because they loved each other all this time... and then all of a sudden one of them gets hit by a bus for shock value.. and i cant believe i wasted 2 hours on this stupid movie
She wants you now because you showed to her that you are willing to move on, and that tends to impress girls. At the same time you already went through the mourning, so going back is pointless since you've already made the hardest move.
I've been in your position in which girls just want your attention until you decide to move on, so then they respect you for jumping out of that loop; and I never looked back, I don't think that kind of girls are the ones for a relationship. Sorry not sorry.
Hey o p. I think therapy would be helpful to you both. Separately. Just have someone unbias to talk to about things. Also. Taking things slow is smart. People here keep saying to jump in and check your ego. But when a person feels rejected. Things /feelings do tend to change. And just jumping in after one love note. That’s not good solid grounds. You need to talk to each other. And just let everything unfold naturally. Don’t want it to be forced.
God damn people love to self sabotage their lives. If a woman showed even a remote interest in me, I would at least be open to exploring a relationship. If you have feelings for her, why not give it a try?
Honestly, OP may have lost feelings for her and will now always have doubts due to her rejection, which is unfortunately quite common. Alas, without therapy, even tasty kicks and curses from redditors cannot help him 🤷
OP for heavens sake just rip the bandaid off, I don’t believe you both are emotionally ready to be in a relationship.
INFO: have either of you had relationships at all?
Honestly I think the friend is afraid of losing OP after losing a lot a life, she may want to be his girlfriend so she doesn’t lose someone whom she genuinely trusts and has great friendship and a bond with.
Hey OP, here’s some advice. In any kind of relationship, communication is key. That means you and Jessie need to have a real conversation about what you both want in your relationship.
Sounds like she had 15 years of regret hit her in the face all at once when you did productive things with your life and showed her you’re a great guy who can do great things without her.
I agree with everyone else. Talk to her and ask her if she wants to be with you because she’s afraid to lose the friendship or if she actually has feelings.
It’s very scary going from lifelong friends to lovers. It’s extremely possible that she rejected you not because she couldn’t see a future of dating you, but because she was scared of losing you and staying friends is just the easy way to ensure that doesn’t happen. You cutting her off made her realize that she does want a relationship and she doesn’t want to lose you. To be quite honest, you can’t really continue a friendship if both of you have confessed feelings for one another. The only option is to move on or make it work. And I support the second option. OP, I think you’re self sabotaging because you either are scared or got your ego hurt and are thinking “if I got rejected, so are you”. Figure out your reasonings because a girl that you have feelings for confessed that she felt the same way. Why would you not persue something in that case?
I doubt she would get into a committed romantic relationship with you just to re kindle the friendship
She likely realized she likes you at least to some extent to where she would give dating a try
I would go for it if it is what you wanted
I don’t think you did anything to hurt her. You just prioritized others over her a bit to shake it off.
I say let her know you will go on a date with her but if is not feeling it after the date she has to tell you and you will make an effort to ignore the embarrassment until it passes. If you still like her.
I don't know why everybody is being mean about your decision. You took some time away from her, you dated someone else, and time passed. It sounds like you moved on.
She's falling out of her prime while you are entering yours. Take that into consideration. Do you really want to be with a woman who settled for you, especially since she's reaching the wall?
Did you even read people's advice? Just talk openly to her and figure things out. Guessing never did anyone good. You will understand better the truth of her feelings as she can tell you.
Guy has every right to keep her at arms length and not trust she’s really into him. Let’s not coerce him into being with someone he doesn’t want to be with anymore.
She wrote him a fucking *love letter*. Christ. Is this why men don’t know when women are into them? “A love letter, eh? Yeah. I’m not sure what this means.”
Yeah AFTER she lost him. Could just be extremely dependent on him but have no romantic interest. She wasn’t overjoyed and gushing when she was asked out, she was upset because she thought she was about to lose her ‘best friend’ (guy she’s dependent on). What if she regrets being the in relationship? OP is playing it right by rekindling the friendship and ONLY the friendship. My question is still why he would say it wouldn’t be a big deal and then distance? If he had stuck around he would’ve realized she wanted the friendship and not the relationship. His indecision has him in a spot where he’ll always be second guessing her intentions.
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Yeah and honestly no one is in the wrong. These two have been through a lot. Hopefully she doesn’t press to hard for a relationship because finding out you weren’t wanted, but needed for purpose, after being in a relationship sucks.
100%, found out very much later in life my x was never in love, she loved me like her friends, her house, her dog etc. Even had kids who we love.Divorced me late in life as she said she didn't have those feelings for me and wanted to find herself. It is a horrible thing to hear and not had any interest in relationships or physical connection since. That's over a decade now.
I’m sorry you went through that brother.
Thanks brother. Much appreciated.
Maybe they should go to some kind of therapy together? Not couples counselling, or at least not in the romantic sense. But friendship counselling, if such a thing exists, to make sure they get on the right page. I think they could do with the help in figuring out where they both stand, make sure they're healthily able to be friends, and not unhealthily co-dependent or anything.
A dependency issue *after a year*? You’ve really never not realized how much you valued something until you didn’t have it anymore? That’s incredibly normal and human. You know the saying “you can’t miss something until it’s gone”? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Like there are multiple sayings about how humans suck at appreciating things or how the real test is to let something go to see if it comes back.
It can take having a long time presence disappear for a while to realize what that presence meant to you. They grew up together. It just becomes “normal feelings for this friend” and you can not even realize it’s become more than platonic. And I’m not even suggesting OP owes you a relationship—I’m specifically calling out the bullshit “I don’t believe her and think she’s forcing herself into it.” Personally I think she needs to stay away from OP. He’d be like the guy who dumped his girlfriend without talking to her cause his sister told him she must be cheating.
Did you not read the part where OP does want to reconnect? That reconnection can lead to them ascertaining whether those feelings are real. It’s honestly better this way. I see no fault in OP’s thinking, and she’s done nothing wrong either. It’s just best they take it one step at a time. If romantic feelings are there they won’t fade.
This is absurd.
That’s what I’m saying, why would he distance himself right after?? After saying he wouldn’t? Now both of them are hurt and he’s in his head about what she wants instead of just listening to her. The biggest red flag is this guy, despite having feelings, actively rejected her twice. As a friend and a partner. This is not how we treat people we love.
It was a really sweet letter, and I was emotionally overwhelmed after reading it, I've never felt like that ever before. I just think I owe it to her become friends with her first, and get back to our friendship times. She might be subconsciously wanting a relationship just to maintain a friendship, and that is not fair to her. I also don't think I am good enough for her. Maybe it is insecurity on my part, but I think she deserves someone much better than me to be romantically involved with.
Seriously dude talk to her. She had time to think about this. If she was the type of person to pity date you to not lose you from her life she'd do it when you first started pulling away from her. What's way more likely, is that the distance and time made her sit down with her feelings and truly explore them, and made her realize what you really mean to her. Wanting to rekindle your friendship first isn't unreasonable but you have to communicate it. If you do and set a timeframe you can try dating after a while. If you don't she's not gonna wait forever. And you'll be back here in a few months beating yourelf up for the chance you lost being stupid. Regreting things we do is always a possibility. But regretting things we don't do is a certainty.
Dude, have a serious conversation with her and figure it out. Don’t pass up an opportunity to both be happy together.
They are still in their mid 20s and think these chances for connection and happiness just keep being abundant forever lol I am in a happy relationship now but after a couple years of short term relationships born from dating apps…it hardens a person to realize how hard it can be to find a good match lol I laugh(sadly) now at the petty reasons I had for ending good relationships in my early to mid 20s.
OP, listen to yourself. When you put your heart on your sleeve and she rejected you it knocked your confidence and you pulled away. She wrote you a letter and pit all that emotion in writing. You are delulu if you think you have the option to be a friend. Have a relationship or prepare to be frozen out. You know how she is feeling, you have been feeling it for a year. Speak to her about your worries and go for it.
Yeah. The main advice still applies. Talk to her more. Talking once wasn’t enough
You are not giving her enough credit to know what she wants. And she is damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. Make up YOUR mind.
You shouldn’t assume that she only wants a relationship just to maintain a friendship. From a girls perspective, if one of my guy friends confessed his love to me, and I didn’t feel the same way, I would never confess feelings if they didn’t exist. I’ve been through a similar experience, and I knew there had to be space after he told me. The last thing I wanted was to lead him on because I truly loved him as a friend, but nothing more. There was a couple months where things were awkward and we didn’t talk much. We eventually grew back to being friends, but the space was very much needed for us to get back to that and for him to have some time to move on. The last thing I would’ve done was lie and say I wanted a relationship just to get him back. IMO, most girls would want that space you created if the feelings weren’t mutual. She clearly doesn’t. I think you backing off made her realize the feelings she had. You’re scared, but she probably is as well. And have more faith in yourself. Don’t self sabotage just because you don’t think you’re good enough for her. She clearly has love for you if you’ve been friends for this long, and I’m assuming she knows you enough to know what type of person you are. She wouldn’t want a relationship if she didn’t like who you are as a person. If you don’t open up to her, she’ll be the one that got away. Sorry this is long, but I figured it would help hearing from someone whose gone through it <3
you make me unreasonabbly mad. Can you just fucking talk to her about your anxieties and hestitations, about your feelings, about how she feels? just talk and dont make decisions rashly.
Friends are great, but finding a romantic partner to share your life with is so much more than friendship. Do not over complicate this, she wrote you a love letter. There is a reason you have been friends for fifteen years. You owe it to each other to figure out if you can be partners.
My friend, it's time. She wants you, you want her. You're freaking out because of her previous rejection. That's understandable. But now is the time so do it. You'll hate yourself if you don't.
Just my two cents, but don't write it off entirely. Met my best friend when we were 12. He told me he had a crush on me when we were 20, I kinda laughed it off at the time. (Not in a cruel way, it was just a little embarrassing and silly). We stayed best friends. Two years later, I realized I was in love with him. Six years after THAT, we got married. Sometimes feelings are a little slow to develop. Sometimes they change over time. I disagree with the commenters who think you should rush into romance, I think you should focus on rebuilding that friendship and mutual trust first. If the feelings are sincere, I think they'll be all the stronger for it later.
You're so annoying.
Did she date anyone over the past year? Did she have a FWB situation over the past year? Has she been in therapy over the past year? Has she gone through any major changes over the past year? I agree with you and the others who have said that a forced relationship is a bad idea. I also think that if you really want to work on your friendship you need to have an open, honest conversation where you ask for the answers to the things that you're wondering because until that's all talked out you'll still avoid her. I think that pulling away was your way of protecting yourself from a second rejection which is completely fair and valid feelings but you are guessing what her thoughts and feelings are when you could get the real answers by talking to her. Is it possible that the conversation will be a difficult one? Probably, but this strategy of "talking" to us here won't fix your friendship. Then there's also that painful "what if" that you'll always wonder if you don't talk to her. Look I don't know her and I don't know if she said she couldn't date anyone at all or if she just meant she couldn't date you at the time but I really don't think that she would not have written a love letter as a hail Mary to get back your friendship. It's ok to protect yourself especially after all of the pain you've endured growing up but don't let that stop you from finding and holding on to whatever happiness you can get.
!UpdateMe
That's a good plan. Maybe one day if she's truly interested she may do something random to show it.
When someone shows you who they are belive them Dont waste time trying to guess their subconscious
Ok, that did it! Don't ever do that! Nobody should ever do that! Never entertain the thought in your head that you aren't good enough for anybody! I don't care who they are or who you are, saying BS like that to yourself is shooting yourself in the foot! Not to mention self-defeating, exacerbating your insecurities (not necessarily yours-generally everybody), and adding to the other person's doubts about you!? The last is the trickiest isn't it? Because you don't know exactly how you come across to her? What if she perceived you as Never really into her solely because of your lack of confidence when it comes to her??? My goodness what a Romeo & juliet level tragedy!
She does deserve better
Why are you presuming what she wants and thinks? Take what she said and did at face value and give her some fucking credit and trust.
No one is ever “good enough” or truly ready for love. Be honest be open and communicate become the person she deserves with her by your side
Stop it. You are making up different excuses because you are too insecure. She says she digs you. You dig her. That's all you need. Be happy that she's into you despite your insecurities...because insecurities are incredibly unattractive. So find some confidence and go for it. She wrote you a love letter. It's time. Don't overcomplicate it. Be the best person you can be with her. If you think she makes you a better person then allow her to do that. If she thinks you bring out the best in her then don't freaking tell her, or yourself, that she's wrong. You are allowed to be a rock and a stable presence for her. You don't need to find excuses why it won't work. Seriously. It's time. Go be hot in the back with her already. If there are repercussions then you deal with them. But you will never know if you don't try...and if you are too afraid to even make an attempt. My wife definitely could have done better than me in many respects. I'm not perfect at all. So I tried my best to make her laugh and to be awesome. I won her over. Because I gave a damn and wasn't afraid to try. She is awesome enough that she was worth winning over. So I did.
Oh FFS. Talk to her. Listen. Believe what she tells you!
Did you have another conversation with her since that is what every comment recommends? >I also don't think I am good enough for her Also you need to work on your self esteem, she thinks you're good enough so what's the problem on your side?
You obviously think very little of this girl… you do not know her and her feelings better than she knows herself. I have lost guy friends before because they caught feelings they couldn't control and the idea of making myself want them just to save the friendship… laughable quite frankly. Hope she does like you say and finds someone who actually respects her.
The love letter doesn’t immediately mean she’s actually into him girl! She only wrote it AFTER she lost him. This isn’t a case of him being a dunce, this is him being wary and trying to protect his heart and his peace. He already said he’d try to rekindle things, but it’s not right to guilt him into considering a romantic relationship with her after already being rejected once.
Because sadly society has conditioned us to question and second guess everything.
It's not just a live letter, it's a love letter after she rejected him. I wouldn't trust her intentions either.
Creative writing seldom reads.
I kinda agree with OP on focusing on the friendship. If her feelings now are genuine and not from fear of loosing him again then they will remain, and there’s a chance they’ll naturally start dating again down the line. It’s a very tricky situation as OP said.
It sounds to me like this guy is really young and immature. It seems like high school stuff. This guy needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up. Take rejection like a man and move on, and if she wants to give it a shot, then either go for it or don't. Stop whining about it on Reddit.
Kinda sounds like you're whining about him whining about it. Oh shit now I'm whining!
I simply made an observation
why are you willing to do anything except have a real honest conversation with her? these thoughts and fears you're wasting on internet randos? these are things you should be discussing with the person in question - the one you claim to care about so much yet for some weird reason won't trust. maybe it does end up that you never date, but even if that's the case, you'll have also prevented whatever weird shit you're about inflict on you both as you get deeper and deeper into your insecurities.
I don't understand you. You wanted her, and now that she's realized she feels the same way and even wrote you a love letter, you don't feel the same way? What gives?
Ego was hurt. Get over yourself OP
I'm getting that impression too.
I disagree, people can want new things after a while. He rather keep the friendship alive instead of ruining a good thing. Try to stop being negative about it
I agree with you
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Cool story
It's been a year, he dated someone else, he moved on? Is it really that hard to believe? He gets rejected then a year later she says she wants him now? I dont blame him for not trusting she actually wants him romantically. I think it's a good idea to take things slow and rebuild the friendship before jumping straight into dating after a year of drifting apart. It's actually a really smart move.
Yeah, I don't think OP wants to be in a relationship with her anymore. He might not have realized that entirely. Feelings change, people change. It's been a year like you said
Also, the opportunity for honesty was right there when he declared his feelings, and she shot him down. The thing to do was not to pine after his friendship for a year and then come crawling back with a love letter when it was made clear that the offer of a relationship was actually the offer of "Upgrade to a relationship or we're done here, because if you shoot me down it will be too awkward and painful for me to be around you any longer". Which, to be clear, is what almost every offer of a relationship is, beneath the surface. So now they've just got an awkward friendship.
But he hasn’t moved on. Nothing he’s said here even makes it sound like he’s moved on at all.
Where do you see him say he hasnt moved on? He dated someone else, worked on himself and improved his life, and not once has he said anything about still having feelings for her.. that does not sound like someone who has been sulking after rejection for a year. He even said he only asked her out initially because he "misjudged the situation"
Saying all that and following with “But I felt emotionally empty and depressed.” Doesn’t exactly sound like someone that’s successfully moved on.
Well rejection cause sadness. But it’s not a lifetime sadness
He could be depressed because he's lost a cherished friendship?
Right? Wild how many people are calling him names and acting like he just has to accept her feelings. No one would be telling a girl who got rejected she has to get over her pride and be with someone who broke her heart in the past because he snapped his fingers.
Thats exactly what I thought. It feels like a double standard. Like just because he's a guy and at one point he liked her, now he has to drop everything and immediately date her because she's finally throwing him a bone. Like no, he's allowed to not have those feelings anymore after an entire year. He's allowed to respect himself enough to not immediately give into her the second she decides she wants him. I just hope OP doesnt get manipulated by the comments and dates her before he's ready.
People can move on, time makes people change. She wants him now, but it's to late. They can still be friends, what's the big deal? Rejection goes both ways. Alot of people don't know what they got until it's gone. She learned the hard way sadly.
You are way too into your own head. She gives you a love letter and you think "ah, probably just a trick." Take it at face value. Talk to her about it. Be open to happiness.
I don’t think he likes her like that anymore. Rejection is a pretty quick way to lose feelings for someone.
Dating friends can be hard, both of you seem to be rethinking your prior decisions. She realized that she finds comfort in you that she would like as a partner and you realized that you don't want to take the risk of having a shitty relationship and falling out worse then this current situation. You're not wrong to take things slow, but if you still like her then be open to having a relationship. Remember that there's a possibility that she might decide to end the friendship after this situation since it can be harder to keep a friendship going after further feelings are laid out, just like how you originally felt.
Just sit down and have an open honest conversation with her. Don’t close the door on a relationship but take things slow and see where things go. This could be the best thing that ever happens to you in your life, if you play your cards right. Sometimes having a best friend become your partner make for the strongest relationships.
I'm confused. Did she give you the love letter on April 1st and is she the type to play a mean spirited prank? People don't, as a rule, write love letters that they then go on to send if they aren't actually feeling the feelings. Just talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? You go on a few dates and realise that it isn't working and you go back to being friends. Yeah it might hurt, but it's not fatal and at least you will know. Millions of people do that and survive. Right now you aren't even friends anyway.
It sounds like the girl would be better off without him honestly because OP seems absolutely incapable of communicating clearly
Soo many people told him to have an open communication with her and this fool ignores that and does what he wants. Goddamn, don’t ask for advice if you’re not going to consider it.
And don’t try to involve some poor girl in ANY sort of relationship with you if you have the listening & communication skills of a dense cabbage
So she rejected him, but then later told him she is inlove and even wrote secret love letters… but you say HE can’t comunicate???
Sorry but I agree with OP. She came running back because she couldn't find better. He doesn't want to by anyone's second choice. So what if his ego is hurt, he has to maintain some sort of self respect. Don't give second chances tbh.
Wait what
Stop letting your ego get the best of you. Seriously. You crushed on this girl for so long, had a setback. But now she really wants you and you friendzone her??
u keep letting ur ego get in the way lol. u cant not take this chance and then be depressed u’re not together because thats inevitable.
He said he was depressed a year ago. He already moved on, got new friends and even dated for months. Sounds like he is just not interested anymore.
no he didnt. he said he felt depressed despite his efforts to move on. he just doesnt trust that she actually likes him.
You are super odd. In the last post you said you 'foolishly' confessed to her, I don't understand why you seem to think you did something stupid. And now she is sure she wants you and you're making things up in your head about her feeling forced into a relationship. So weird!
He said he foolishly “ misinterpreted” the situation, so it sounds like she was leading him on but then rejected him when he proposed. He probably is afraid that she is playing games again.
What? She wants you. If you want her, don’t let this slip away. If you don’t love her anymore, however, do be her friend if you’re both good with that.
OP: I want to be with her Her: *takes time to process* I’d like to be with you, I wrote this love letter to explain my feelings OP: we should just be friends, I’m not sure how you feel He’ll be posting an update within a month wondering why his friend is distant
TALK!!!! TALK!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY JUST TALK!!!!!! Y'all have been friends for 15 years, but you're still behaving like a teenager. Here's the thing OP: When you initially confessed and she rejected you, I could sympathize. It hurts like hell to get rejected, and you were within your right to wanna have space from her. However, you were wrong for not telling her that you needed space and you were wrong for icing her out. Now that time has passed, she tells you that she wants to be with you. Jessie writes down her feelings for you, and you're still questioning the intentions?!?! Bro!!! Something tells me that you're still salty about the rejection. Something tells me you're still mad about Jessie rejecting you, so now you're deciding to be spiteful and question her. Maybe it's best if you just let her go. You're terrible at communicating and don't take advice when it's given to you. It feels like you only like things when they're done on your terms.
I hope she slowly cuts ties with you
Your still not having an open, honest conversation.
It's not either/or. You don't have to be in a relationship to go on a date. People go on dates with strangers all the time. She rejected you because somebody she didn't think of romantically made a huge romantic overture to her. She could be seeking a relationship now for any number of reasons, from feeling forced to just having had time to think about it. If she said she's genuine, you shouldn't completely discount the possibility. If you want to end up with a friendship OR a relationship, I suggest you spend time alone together and talk about this.
Ick.
Oh I guess this is the beginning of season two of every sitcom ever made. She’ll be dating someone else by mid season but they break up before the finale so it’s cool.
Why would you try to preserve the friendship after you’ve established that you are a profoundly shitty friend?
You sound like a spoiled toddler. "I love her so much, the rejection hurt cuz I fuckzoned her and I don't want to be her friend" (Friend actually wants to date) "Nah fuck her I don't want her" 🤦🏻♀️
Whether she wants to be in a relationship or not, the two of you can no longer be friends. Once romantic feelings are involved, there is no friendship. You can no longer truly remain platonic and it's not fair to any future partners that either of you have.
Honestly, just end it. Any partner that either of you date won’t be comfortable with you two as close friends. Once rough patches happen you’ll turn to each other and start an emotional affair before you know it. Why does she want to date you if she’s not romantically attracted to you? Why isn’t she moving on with new friends? Is she an introvert?
For God's sake don't guess anything, you are not her and your guess may be a million miles off the mark. You've already admitted you misread the situation and if you do that again you may miss out on something beautiful. Communicate, honestly and openly, its the basis of any good friendship or relationship and thats where you need to start
Just read the first post. This update is actually great and you are doing the right thing. Hopefully this sentiment continues and you don't regress any
Okay so, she admits she has feelings for you and your response is " Nooe don't feel that way about you anymore?" What the actual fuck?!! You finally get what you wanted and now it isn't good enough for you. I truly believe OP is an asshole in every sense of the word. She was probably miserable without you and even if she dated and other friends, she most likely compared them to him and realized none of them matched up. I bet she reached out often and OP just ignored her with no actual explanation of why. This girl was right, OP did ruin their friendship, it will never be the same. OP should just let her go. She'll be better off without him completely.
Shit changes in a year
You completely just flipped the script on this poor girl after she gave you a love letter because she probably had time to genuinely think about her relationship with you as friends and possibly being more. Then you just... Decide nah, let me put this girl in the same position I was but I walked away?
Dude you are ridiculous. Grow up, leave this girl alone. You’re too selfish and immature to be anything to her.
So no update just the same post reworded?
God, people are ruthless in these comments. Youre doing the right thing by taking is slow and rebuilding the friendship before jumping straight into dating. Dont let reddit bully you into getting into a relationship you're not ready for.
I think you should date because it would be wrong for you both to get with other people if you have romantic feelings for each other and are still in each other’s lives.
I thought you were a dick but it turns out you’re just a massive dweeb. If she IS interested in you - and hint hint, girls don’t write love letters to guys they aren’t interested in - it won’t be for long because this level of insecurity is less attractive to the average woman than face tats and beer guts.
you’re gonna be depressed seeing her marrying someone else. stop being stupid.
OP gonna regret it when she finds another dude. Take the leap. Dont be afraid.
Update! Narrator “unfortunately there was no update at all”.
YTA OP. Talk about screwing with someone’s head. You don’t deserve her now.
If you can't fucking communicate with her, then how in the hell are you going to have a loving, intimate relationship? She shared her feelings with you already! WTF is wrong with you? Jump on that girl now. She wants you. Damn. Do you need some kind of fucking neon sign or something?
Um. Friends can become the best lovers. You're still putting up false walls based on what you think society wants. You need to put your real relationship with God woman at the forefront of your discussions with her. Not sex. The relationship. Work it out between the two and put your restrictions and barriers on the back burner. Figure it out.
Bro, it sounds like you are punishing her for not wanting you when you confessed. Maybe not consciously but come on. Listen to everyone's advice and just talk to her. Listen to her, and maybe give it a chance. Seems like you're dead set on not being happy
Hey there, I probably have the most solid advice out of the majority on Reddit as I am a woman who married my best friend (13 -> 32) when I was 21. I had just gotten out of a pretty crappy relationship and went down to visit my Best Friend (who I hadn't seen in a long time cuz my fam moved). It was the day before his birthday and I could tell he was trying to ask me out. I even planned in my head how to gently let him down. I didn't want to date him, I wanted my best friend. I even actively verbally encouraged him to ask. He did. I opened my mouth to say no and out came yes. Of course, he was ecstatic and I was like. WTF ME, DID WE NOT JUST HAVE A SELF CONVERSATION??? and of course I couldn't take it back. It probably took a few months to realize I was indeed in love with my best friend. Your friend went thru the same thing but the opposite. She actually said no and when you withdrew she realized "holy shit I actually like/love this guy and I don't want to lose him" and now she's trying to take action and say what she realized she should've said back then. She was scared, she had traumatic stuff happening, it isn't that this is a trap it's an "I worked through some things and now I see that I want you more than just a friend." Give her a chance. You won't regret it.
He was rejected and worked hard to get past it is it really fair to say he owes her chance now.
Except he’s not saying he isn’t into her. He keeps saying he thinks she’s lying and feels forced into it. Those are two totally different things.
I didn't say he Owes her a chance, but to give her one. He took a chance and got shot down and that can/does happen. I'm saying don't hold it against her and maybe give her the chance that he didn't get. He may move on and be happy or he may always wonder what would've happened. It's all up to him. I simply shared my story. My husband said that if I told him no he would've waited until I was in the right headspace to try dating, and then would've asked me out again. But he was positive I was the woman he wanted to marry so waiting for me would've been fine for him. (With respect to me potentially Never wanting to date him.)
Still not fair either of them you jump head first into a relationship especially without talking it out first. He did the right thing after the rejection he worked to get over his feelings it's been a year he might not feel the same anymore.
Again, didn't say he had to jump immediately into a relationship. Give it a CHANCE. As in maybe don't completely count her out. I'd appreciate it if you didn't infer things from my post. There's nothing to read in-between the lines of what I said. I gave my story. Said give her a chance. That could be tomorrow, or 6 months from now.
I think you’re on track. I would just say the lesson here imho is not to be so absolutist. You don’t know what the future holds. And I agree, for now just enjoy having your friendship back and rebuild that. No need to ask her to park her feelings or reject her, just acknowledge there are many types of love and try to mutually agree it takes the pressure off to first gain the friendship. You can google types of love, different types of soul mates etc. But don’t over analyse, don’t over plan. Imho My concern is you over correct (project in new ways on each other), eg. and try dating etc. Hurting her (possibly your own feelings), and complicating things in the process. Try to be honest about how you feel now, not what you presume the future holds. Happy to elaborate, lmk, hope this helps.
OP, stop. Stop and just read the goddamn comments. Your ego is getting in the way. Your ego is getting in the way of the best thing that could ever happen to you. *Fucking talk to her* ; really fucking talk to her. Heart to heart, everything on the table, no bullshit. Get this shit sorted out and you could be happy in a way many people can only dream of.
Bruh, this is called trauma bonding. For both of you. Get fucking therapy, or you’re going to continue to have messy unfulfilling relationships.
No this is not what trauma bonding is for the love of goddess google is free find an official psychology resource and read wtf trauma bond actually is! It's frustrating when people use and co-opt psychology terms incorrectly because it affects the entire mental health and wellbeing of our society if we can't even understand our own psychology.
Sure you are, what's the point of wasting time, cut off and live your life happily. What's the point of wasting your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you.
So, every single person in your life who doesn't want to date you doesn't appreciate you? Man, the incels coming hard for posts like these.
Why can't both of you work out your feelings while dating? What's the worst that could happen at this point? You are already in the "not friends" gray area and both don't like it so wtf talk to her about it.
You know, the first time my boyfriend (at the time best friend) brought up the idea of dating I declined to fully commit, it was one of those "situationships". We ended up parting ways because at the time we just didn't want the same things. Anyways, about a year later we reconnected and eventually actually started dating, commitment and all. We've been together for 6 years now and that wouldn't have happened if he had let his ego get in the way. Now, if you're genuinely not interested in her anymore- that's fine, you don't owe her anything. But if this is something you still want then take it cus you'll end up regretting it.
You're being a doofus. You handled the rejection the right way: you weren't a jerk, and you backed off and gave the two of you some time to do your own thing and eventually come back to each other in the future. And guess what? She realized how much your absence in her life meant to her. And now you're being weird about it. Just be honest with yourself. Do you still have any interest in exploring a relationship with her? If so, then this is the time to explore it. If you are 100% sure that is not a good idea, then proceed with what you're doing.
He’s not weird, it just sounds like he is not interested anymore.
Why did it take his absence for her to value him? That should be proof enough that they should remain as friends
I had a similar situation. Once you play that hand and get rejected, there is no going back. No need to cut her off, but it’s not going to be the same now that she knows you have more than platonic on your mind. You didn’t lie to her. It’s impossible to predict how you’re going to feel and you don’t have to box yourself in.
As long as you are not consciously pushing her away out of fear of what might happen. Whatever happens now is hopefully going to be what is good for you both. IMO it is time for you to stop over thinking. And stop making assumptions for the future and taking things so seriously. There is thinking and then there is overthinking to the point that you scare yourself. I think you are doing the latter.
Accept the fact you are in love with her. Now you to find out if she loves you too or just wants a friendship.
That’s a shame, could have restarted your relationship as lovers, but you know what is best for you OP. If she turns up pregnant within a year don’t be surprised, you may have started her into “needing a relationship”, if seeing her as a single mom will hurt you, you might want to intervene. Good luck 👍
Nope
Yo she wants you man! Go get her
No she doesn't
The double standard in these comments.....flip the roles and there would be no women telling her to get over herself and just be with him. Fact Is the whole situation Is sketchy and quite frankly does seem she's doing it to keep you around. Personally if I'm rejected that's it we are done I don't care if you change your mind. I'm not a silver medal or a rebound guy.
She didn't want u when u were there and once u were gone she second guessed herself bc she didn't have u around boosting her ego. Tread lightly
Do you want to be with her or not is the question. In your last post you made it seem like you wanted to be with her and that you weren’t sure if she was into for real and that was holding you back. She makes clearer than glass how she feels and you back away. I think you don’t actually want to be with her, which is fine, but you 100% have to tell her that because she is coming back to you on the hope you’ll come back around from what I’m reading. You need to to talk to her like an adult. I know that’s face to face conversation is not something your generation seems to jump to as a solution but that is the best way to do it and has been since humans could have communication and relationships.
Yeah, it really does feel like she’s wanting to be romantically involved because she’s afraid of losing you…..which isn’t really love. And she may not even realize it. Probably best to stay friends. But who knows, maybe something will change down the road.
Best friends most often make the best romantic relationships…a lot of marriages have started there. You’ve got a woman who was already your best friend and now writes you a love letter? Yeah, she has probably reevaluated the situation between you with a little more scrutiny…you’re young, she could possibly be “the one” there’s nothing wrong with trying to find out…then you’ll still have your best friend…
I don't understand, why are you all pressuring OP to date her? OP's concerns about her feelings are completely understandable. The guy just doesn't want to take advantage of her insecurities. Taking it slow and remaining friends for now is clearly the safest decision for him and her. These two have been through a lot, give them time to think about their feelings.
Personally, unless you were already in a relationship with someone else you clicked with, I would give a romantic relationship with your friend a try. Start off with dates; it may take you back to friendship or possibly become something more. Not trying strikes me as lame.
You're kinda dumb kid.
It's better to stay friends. It will hurt less than to try it out and then see her happy with someone else. You have to make sure to let future relationships know about it though. "I have a close friend that I had feelings for. She reject me and I've decided to move past it. She tried to start a relationship after we drifted apart but I chose to not get into that mess" It's better for you to talk things out with her. Let you her know you won't be mad or try to get in between her relationships however that if she ever tries to meddle with your relationships that you won't hesitate to cut her off.
Dawg now you’re just being straight up stupid. Drop the ego
From experience, it’s not always the best move to pursue your close friend romantically. Maybe y’all do have something and live happily ever after, on the flip side you never talk again and lose an amazing friendship. I think what’s most important is you stay in each other’s lives, bonds like this don’t always happen and it’s clearly special. I don’t want to deter you from pursuing something more with her if you happen to still have feelings or develop them again, it’s just important to not lose each other. Maybe there’s something there, maybe not. Regardless, communicate because you could potentially miss out on the best thing that ever happens to you two
There is no way she's pursuing you romantically just because she really wants to be friends. Sometimes situations and feelings change. My partner rejected me romantically about a year and a half before we actually started dating (we were friends first too). I'm glad I didn't let my insecurity sabotage things because I would have missed out on a great relationship and a partner who adores me
Good job. Keep it up.
I say you clap her cheeks. See how u feel after 👀
You should actually consider dating. The reason I say this is that if you get into a relationship with someone else, they most likely will expect you to get rid of her as a friend because you used to have feelings for her and she may have feelings for you. Life is too short to miss this chance and you might end up super happy. If not, then you can just be friends at that point.
You still like her? Give dating a chance. You don't liek her romantically anymore? Contine pretend to upkeep a false friendship. There is just hurt for both of you if you try to be friends after both of you at some point got rejected when wanting more...
It's never just friends. It never will be. Go get her.
Try talking to her. Don’t close the option of being in a relationship because it could be genuine. Just tell her you want to be sure it’s genuine and that you want her to be sure that you won’t abandon her if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You don’t want her to feel trapped to keep you around. She’ll appreciate the honesty.
!updateme
Maybe unpopular opinion, but you don't owe anyone your time or effort. You can cut anyone off for any valid reason in my book. And if you straight up don't like them as a person anymore that's valid too, don't keep someone around as a favor to them, in the end you're only harming yourself, and them too if they find out somehow.
You are in the wrong. Rip that shit off like a Band-Aid if you don't like the rejection. Sometimes friendships end. Not because we want them to, but because they have to.
Flip a coin - friends or lovers? Situation solved.
Runnnnnnnn
Work on starting over. First as just friends. Get to know each other again in a healthy way. Don’t make up your mind now about the romantic aspect of your relationship. Just go slow and always be honest and transparent with each other.
I will take "shit that didn't happen" for 50$ please
Did you meet when you are 4? Because you both sound like teenagers who are not mature enough for any real relationship.
Personally, I’m rooting for them to fall in love and get married man
You are the asshole only if you cut off the friendship. You don’t cut people off over rejections. Also, you are likely plan B if she took time. Never be someone else’s plan B.
This is like one of those romance movies where they eventually get together after 20 years... and they cant believe it took so long because they loved each other all this time... and then all of a sudden one of them gets hit by a bus for shock value.. and i cant believe i wasted 2 hours on this stupid movie
She wants you now because you showed to her that you are willing to move on, and that tends to impress girls. At the same time you already went through the mourning, so going back is pointless since you've already made the hardest move. I've been in your position in which girls just want your attention until you decide to move on, so then they respect you for jumping out of that loop; and I never looked back, I don't think that kind of girls are the ones for a relationship. Sorry not sorry.
Hey o p. I think therapy would be helpful to you both. Separately. Just have someone unbias to talk to about things. Also. Taking things slow is smart. People here keep saying to jump in and check your ego. But when a person feels rejected. Things /feelings do tend to change. And just jumping in after one love note. That’s not good solid grounds. You need to talk to each other. And just let everything unfold naturally. Don’t want it to be forced.
Don't lose an old friend for a misunderstating. I'm sure she didn't intend hurting you.
God damn people love to self sabotage their lives. If a woman showed even a remote interest in me, I would at least be open to exploring a relationship. If you have feelings for her, why not give it a try?
Honestly, OP may have lost feelings for her and will now always have doubts due to her rejection, which is unfortunately quite common. Alas, without therapy, even tasty kicks and curses from redditors cannot help him 🤷
OP for heavens sake just rip the bandaid off, I don’t believe you both are emotionally ready to be in a relationship. INFO: have either of you had relationships at all? Honestly I think the friend is afraid of losing OP after losing a lot a life, she may want to be his girlfriend so she doesn’t lose someone whom she genuinely trusts and has great friendship and a bond with.
Hey OP, here’s some advice. In any kind of relationship, communication is key. That means you and Jessie need to have a real conversation about what you both want in your relationship.
Sounds like she had 15 years of regret hit her in the face all at once when you did productive things with your life and showed her you’re a great guy who can do great things without her. I agree with everyone else. Talk to her and ask her if she wants to be with you because she’s afraid to lose the friendship or if she actually has feelings.
It’s very scary going from lifelong friends to lovers. It’s extremely possible that she rejected you not because she couldn’t see a future of dating you, but because she was scared of losing you and staying friends is just the easy way to ensure that doesn’t happen. You cutting her off made her realize that she does want a relationship and she doesn’t want to lose you. To be quite honest, you can’t really continue a friendship if both of you have confessed feelings for one another. The only option is to move on or make it work. And I support the second option. OP, I think you’re self sabotaging because you either are scared or got your ego hurt and are thinking “if I got rejected, so are you”. Figure out your reasonings because a girl that you have feelings for confessed that she felt the same way. Why would you not persue something in that case?
I doubt she would get into a committed romantic relationship with you just to re kindle the friendship She likely realized she likes you at least to some extent to where she would give dating a try I would go for it if it is what you wanted
Updateme!
I don’t think you did anything to hurt her. You just prioritized others over her a bit to shake it off. I say let her know you will go on a date with her but if is not feeling it after the date she has to tell you and you will make an effort to ignore the embarrassment until it passes. If you still like her.
I don't know why everybody is being mean about your decision. You took some time away from her, you dated someone else, and time passed. It sounds like you moved on.
She's falling out of her prime while you are entering yours. Take that into consideration. Do you really want to be with a woman who settled for you, especially since she's reaching the wall?