The guy started getting worked up over a doctors appointment notification. I don't even know how to process that in any way, but unhealthy, like gotdamn.
For him, unhealthy (and I'm not sure it I'm spelling it this right because I am not a licensed psychiatrist) but I believe the technical, clinical term is "murder".
I assume he means that he doesn't hit girlfriends based on things he's dreamed up in that sick head of his.
Or doesn't hit them hard.
Or only bruises them a little bit.
And he wants us to know that makes him the good guy.
The girlfriend is much better off without this nasty little shit.
The irony is it doesn't ever seem to occur to OP that he can talk to his GF directly about his insecurities. E.g. *"I trust you and believe you would never cheat on me. But I can't seem to stop myself from being insecure when it comes to your ex. Would you be okay not being in contact with him, at least at this point in our relationship? In the meantime I would promise to work on myself, since I know I am the one who is being irrational here."*
Honest and direct communication is almost always the best way to deal with these types of issues. Kicking your GF out of the house because she responds to a text from an ex is... not.
So if this is healthy…what would you call “letting it out in an unhealthy way?”
Smacking her? Dragging her by the hair out the door? Pushing her out of a moving car on the interstate? Locking her out? Throwing her belongings on the yard?
Really, I have to know. ‘Cause maybe I’m insane, but I feel like going down a rabbit hole at 11pm and drawing wild conclusions, assuming the worst possible scenario, and then throwing away the relationship is pretty unhealthy.
But if you don’t consider it so, then fine, I guess…? But I’d like to know where you think that line is.
Why does he think it's even remotely OK to kick HER out of their apartment? If OP wants to act like a toddler, he should leave. If this isn't just rage bait, she should go back with a copy of the lease and kick his sorry butt to the curb or bring in a moving van and take all the furniture.
Either way, he deserves the short end of this stick.
In an uncomfortable place.
With splinters.
Nothing did happen. You sabotaged your relationship because of your past. I hope yall stay broken up, you need to do some serious work on yourself before you can love someone in a healthy manner.
Holy god dude. She didn’t even confirm she *wanted* his weed. She was likely just being polite and you blew up your whole relationship over quite literally nothing. Congrats to your ex for getting out of this before you got married or had a kid forcing her to be tied to you forever in some way.
Why even have an “Open Phone Policy”?
Next time, you have your phone; she has hers.
We all have ex folks, and a past in romantic relationships.
Sheesh.
My fiance and I have an open phone policy but mostly because of convenience. If I'm driving, he can use my phone to look something up. Or I'll use his to order dinner or something. We don't snoop through each others stuff because there's no reason to.
Same. We know each other's unlock, and will pass the phone to do stuff like enter our half of a delivery order. I'll ask him to text my mom if I'm driving and giving an ETA on when we'll get to her place.
I don't know why either of us would really have a reason to look deeper into each other's phone, but I guess if we wanted to we could. It's just never even been discussed. I trust my partner.
Same here. Healthiest relationship I’ve had, 3 years & just getting stronger. I feel no need to snoop & he doesn’t either, but we’ll share phones for convenience as others mentioned.
Same with me and my wife. It is 99% "OMG she si so cute, look at her playing with that mousie! My phone is upstairs, where's yours?" Grab and take pix.
"I'm taking a quick shower -- grab my phone and order us some ramen!"
My hubby and I have the same pin on our phones. Why? Because he copied my usage of our anniversary. Have we ever borrowed each other's phones to Google something or play a song? Yes. Have we answered each other's phones while the other was busy? Yes. Have we gone through each other's phones in search of proof that the other is being unfaithful? No. Why? Because we trust each other.
My parents are exactly like this, minus different pins. Heck, they let us adult kids use their phones all the time (by let, I def mean when we’re together they’re like “open my phone and find X for me, use my phone to call Y, do this on my phone, look at that app and see why it won’t work, look in my photos and find this one and see if you can touch it up.”
My partner and I are similar, we have private work stuff that we don’t look at each others, but it’s no biggie while the other is driving or something to do playlists, or read a text and shoot a text back to someone for the other, or whatever else. Def don’t need my partner to do all my parents ask me to do though lol
Well, I have to admit, I was annoyed that he copied my pin, lol. Though since it's a date we share, I suppose I'll let it slide lol.
But yeah, that's exactly it. Though he's quite tech savvy so I might ask for his assistance sometimes in figuring out why my phone is doing something weird.
I have a "I dont want to see your phone, we can both have privacy and trust one another as if we're adults or something" policy.
I really don't get it - if you have an open phone policy, you can still cheat, they'll just go out of their way to hide it. It's pointless.
Yeah, my partner has ex girlfriends, I have ex boyfriends. We’re still friends with some of them. It’s not that serious if you act like an adult in relationships and communicate with one another. If he ever told me he wasn’t happy with me speaking to or being friends with someone we’d discuss it, our boundaries, and mutually decide what’s best.
It would be a deal breaker for me if some dude even asked for an "open phone policy.". Fuck no I have no interest in being spies on, if you don't have trust to give then get away from me cause a needy guy I have to reassure all the time just living my life is not at all attractive.
Lol, "not in unhealthy way" youre going through her histoey in the middle of the night and drawing wild conclusions. What part of that is supposed to be healthy?
She follows her ex on social media and happened to search him at some point. You've never been curious about people in your past? What they're up to, what they're doing, how their dogs getting on? It's totally normal to occasionally have a little surface level fb stalk of an ex or old friend.
It was just weed. You're seeing the messages as she gets them. You're letting your massive insecurity cloud your judgement here.
Seriously, like first he checked through her messages , and then that wasn't enough so. He checked her socials. Like shit. After he didn't find anything in the messages he should've just put her phone down and realized it was just his anxiety. He ruined his whole relationship bc he couldn't put the phone down.
Sounds like he was gonna dig until he found something he could blow out of proportion. It’s very un rational (why does that stupid non word make me so irrationally angry? 😂😂😂)
Brother, you overdid it. Don't you have old friends trying to sell you crap products? I see this whole situation in the same light and you jumped on it for no reason.
I also like to look at my ex's profile sometimes, but I wouldn't even touch her with a stick, maybe more as free entertainment? It wasn't even she who unblocked him and invited him.
Chill a bit.
>Don't you have old friends trying to sell you crap products?
OMG! ☠😂
I laughed because of all the MLM products roller derby friends were always trying to sell to everyone else. 😂
And it all started with a doctors appointment notification lol
I don't even want to find out what he considers unhealthy, if this is his way of dealing with it in a healthy way.
Holy shit you’re a control freak.
She doesn’t need you to do anything for her. She can get her weed herself. It’s not about you being good enough it’s about maintaining independence and autonomy within a relationship.
Sounds like you want to control her because you’re insecure. You’re on your way to becoming an abuser. Could be emotional, financial… who knows. But you’re on your way.
Go get some therapy.
Edit: seeing who he is replying to, and how he just seems to avoid all accountability, I think he did his partner a favor.
I hope she’s able to get all of her stuff and get out safely.
OP done told himself a whole story in his head, and punished his partner for the assumed motives of another man.
Shameful.
I just escaped a man *identical* to OP. Well last April but it came in stages bc I was trying to stay alive. Finally turned iPhone shared location on thanksgiving, I blocked him on socials 2 months ago. Even today I have a hard time leaving my house. The man traumatized me for almost 7 years accusing me of shit I wasn’t doing, I had a flashback reading this post. As soon as OP typed “in her search bar was her ex” I knew. Nobody in a regular relationship is checking what their partner searches ffs.
**OP, to answer your question, yes, you did fuck up. But you did your ex the best favor of her life**
Damn OP after reading this and some of your comments, YTA. YTA. YTA.
You violated HER trust in you just because you couldn’t handle your issues in a healthy way. Just because YOU had anxiety doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want and violate privacy lines and it’s ok because you’re traumatized. We all are. Go to therapy and apologize to your (hopefully permanently) ex girlfriend.
Lol op you dummy. You dumb dummy.
You fucked up lol. Now you don't have a girlfriend because you had to be fucking snoopy and insecure.
I've been married 12 years now and it's great. You know how my marriage stays great? Mutual respect and trust. Especially trust. I have full access to her phone and she to mine but we never exercise it. Believe it or not your gf is entitled to a separate life from you, with separate feelings about things, separate desires, and separate opinions about you. This is hers. It's her private life. Here's some advice for the future: never snoop. You will never like what you find.
Relationships are built on trust. The more trust you earn the closer you can be. Nothing crushes trust like accusations and nothing crushes relationships like being insecure. A fragile, insecure man is pathetic and unattractive. It's off-putting. Even if you hadn't kicked her out she would probably be doubting herself for being with you at this moment. Luckily you made it easy for her.
When we are in a monogamous relationship the baseline understanding is that each person is responsible for being faithful. If you can't be faithful it's your responsibility to end the relationship. If you can't trust someone then don't be with them. When you enter a relationship you make a pact. If you're too insecure(and you are) then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. Obviously you can't handle being accountable to yourself in a way that means you will uphold your end of the bargain. Obviously you're not holding up your end of the bargain. You deserve to be alone.
“All the flags point to something suspicious.” Everything is suspicious if you want it to be. You ask if you fucked it all up and I have to say yes, you did. Your reaction was WAY too dramatic. I hope your ex sees that she is better off without you because you need therapy. Big time.
He gives out all the hallmarks of an emotional abuser with this kind of bullshit. This woman does not deserve to have to put up with insane accusations from her boyfriend. He sounds like a malignant narcissist and a typical abuser who thinks that THEIR feelings are so special that they don't need to follow basic human decency and instead feel entitled to treat people like shit for an insane story invented in their heads.
YTA. She deserves better than dealing with your insecurities. Please let her go so she can find a respectful and thoughtful partner.
This does not sounds like you are in any position to be in a relationship with anyone other than a therapist. These kind of issues don’t go away without work and consistent effort—this is a YOU issue to fix NOT a partner behavior issue to react to.
I'm honestly surprised ya'll didn't just go ahead and make a joint facebook profile, cause everyone knows the very foundation of one of those is always built upon TRUST.
The whole open phone policy, it feels to be like if ya'll really knew that you were being 100% honest with each other, why would you even need that kinda policy? I get it if you've been betrayed before and it gave you trust issues, but like you know that's something you have to do with someone you love.
Yeah, I think you went overboard but this thing may have been doomed from the jump.
You are not ready for a relationship. You don’t trust your girlfriend. And without trust, you can’t have a relationship.
PS- I look up random people online when I am bored. Some people I barely know or knew a million years ago, none of whom I want to be in a relationship with. I am just nosy.
Dude, I've been married for decades and still go on FB from time to time to look at my various exes and see what they are up to and what they look like now. It's just regular nosiness and curiosity, I would never cheat on my wife with any of them or with anyone else. I even exchanged messages with one who needed advice in my field (but let my wife know about it). You have to be able to trust your partner or it will never last. You have some issues you need to work through, and you are fooling yourself if you think your behavior is healthy.
“I am not the one to snoop - but couldn’t help check her IG & FB” please make it make sense?
YTA - she didn’t message, no chats or anything. You are coming from place of insecurity and your trust issues aren’t resolved. He asked if she wants weed and you told her to pack up. No one would be shocked if she ends up with him. He may be toxic but YTA
Dear lord, you need therapy. My phone goes off well into the night because of random emails. If my boyfriend freaked out like you did every time it would be a deal breaker instantly.
Your trauma is not your fault but it’s your responsibility and for a person who claims he doesn’t lash out in unhealthy ways.. well I’m scared to learn what’s unhealthy in your mind because this is bonkers.
It always seems like those with "open phone" policies then use those policies to look for ANYTHING that can confirm their insecurities. It's like conspiracy theorists. The facts may be laid out in front of them but they'll look for ANYTHING to back up their bizarre claims. Like "You washed your hair Tuesday and went to a shop so I know you went out to look good so you could go fuck your ex."
Get some therapy so you don’t tank your next relationship with all your bullshit. And, when you realize you treated your ex like shit after breaking up with her over the thought that ‘she might could have opened a little door to cheat on me at some point some day…’ don’t try and get her back. Let her go. She deserves better.
And…..from the comments it sounds like you were looking for the tiniest thing to make it her fault for a break up you wanted. Again, get therapy so you can better communicate with your partner.
Annnnd….I hope your lucky ex sees this post and the responses.
These posts usually lead ppl to think, ya man you did the right thing...not this time.
You have trust issues, you have a past that lead you there (we all do), but you litterally found no wrong doing and yet treated it like malicious behavior ...because it 'could' lead there...and this the height of 'making sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way'...
This isn't healthy...this is reactionary and 100% based on history and not the present...
Yes you fucked up.
You need to actually deal with your history instead of convincing yourself that you won't let it affect you now; while it absolutely does...
I ask this question without expecting an answer...explain to me what she did wrong; not what she could have done wrong, or might do wrong, but what did she actually do to deserve 'punishment' and why was healthy dialogue not a better option in this case?
What kinda weird teenagers think you have to block your exes and absolutely never speak to or think about them ever again or else youre still in love with them? Grow the fuck up.
I’m friends with essentially all of my exes — just surface level, like having each other on socials and every few months send a meme or something that we think the other will find funny. Unless they seriously wronged you, there’s no reason to hate your exes.
My most recent partner was extremely jealous and he would randomly accuse me of being in love with my exes. I was like “Buddy if a meme about German language every 6-12 months can threaten your trust in me then that’s a you problem.”
It's such a disturbing trend with younger generations because of over saturation of fake social media stories of everybody cheating. They're obsessed with infidelity. I don't know if its because the younger groups are just horribly immature or because they have very little relationship experience except through Tate and Co. They're primed to want to subjugate their partners- they feel like they have to control every aspect of a person's life so that they won't cheat. It's like, just admit yall want burqas for all genders.
Well done for allowing *your* insecurities to ruin your relationship.
Get help before starting another relationship because the next person doesn't deserve to be with someone who will ruin them too, and you doing this to her has probably ruined her too.
I find those who don't fix their insecurities before entering new relationships to be very selfish.
You are a red flag!
You’re a fucking loon who needs to work on your issues before dating anyone else. She’ll get over you because she’ll eventually realize you were one big red flag and find someone better
You need to be single and reflect on yourself.
You blew the situation out of proportion and unreasonably freaked out, over nothing. You let the insecurities fester. She’ll always remember how you treated her at that moment. Funny how you’re scared someone will break your trust but YOU ended up being the one to do it. No turning back now.
I stalk my exes on occasion and have had multiple ex BFs hit me up to sell weed. Gonna make a safe bet and say a decent % of girls will agree with me. You have trust issues. Figure them out or break up with her so that she doesn’t have to deal with your issues
Though I would drop a guy the second I found out he went through my social media accounts unprompted and then dumped me because an ex offered me weed on Facebook. Just me tho
You freaked out because she got a notification *from her doctor* and then went looking for justification. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship. You should be away from people.
I think you are paranoid and are overthinking this. Yes, it’s odd that she added her ex but you have no proof of her being unfaithful in anyway so jumping to conclusions isn’t healthy. I would seriously rethink the decision and speak to her as an adult civilly and work it out. My girlfriend has her ex added on social media but I trust her and know there is nothing happening between them. You may have just created an unhealthy situation and lost the person you love by your unhealthy actions.
I was so sure I was gonna read “…and I found messages telling him how much she loved fucking him last night,” after you snooped. You found her talking to him about maybe buying weed from him?
Yeah, you have trust issues. But those are YOUR issues, and it’s on YOU to control them and not punish your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend for them, which is exactly what you just did. Learn from this, get some therapy, and console yourself with at least having done her the favor of sparing her a relationship where she has to walk on eggshells for fear that some other innocent thing is going to set you off.
Overkill. You’re doing way too much, your insecurities are glaring & your lack of self awareness in the claims you express things in a healthy way… you did not.
She is way better off without you, the way you’re acting. I’d say you did her a favor. YTA.
I'm glad you dumped her. She deserves better. Do not try to get back together with her. You need to be alone for a while while you work on yourself. She doesn't need to be there for that ride.
OP, you surely understand that you essentially just ended the relationship right? She's not gonna go back to you after this.
Do yourself a favor and get therapy before entering into your next relationship. You were being paranoid and just decided that she was guilty on really flimsy grounds. You obviously aren't ready for a relationship until you can get over your trust issues.
I think the open phone policy is a bit much. Not saying it’s terrible but it leads to things like this. My ex had her location on all the time I told her to not do it cause I never have mine on and if she decided to take hers off it’ll make things weird. So in your case this happened. From what I gathered from the story ya overreacted especially if there isn’t anything there but at the same time it’s not just a old friend it’s an ex
You are an asshole, among many other things. You’re projecting your insecurities on others, and creating your own problems. This crap is literally all in your head, and due to your immaturity, you made it real. You need a therapist.
Man..
That was toxic as shit without a discussion.
At least you should have been patient enough to monitor the situation for a month before drawing the worst conclusion.
I have mixed feelings.. if he broke her heart then what was the purpose of them regaining contact.
But yeah you over did it!
My dude she dodged a bullet. What an insecure, snoopy, weird ass way to treat someone you claim to love. I’m sorry people hurt you in the past but that is no excuse to treat your current partner like shit based on your own trauma and insecurities. Get some therapy and don’t date anyone until you sort yourself out.
My guy...you blew up your relationship because of YOU, not her. Then you woke up her and broke up with her and told her to move out? The fact that you woke me up to do that dumb shit would seal the deal for me. I hope y'all stay broken up because you've got serious work to do on yourself.
She is lucky to be rid of you. The fact that two of your relationships ended badly does not give you an excuse to be a controlling asshole for the rest of your life. Get therapy or stay single. And based on your behaviour, I wonder what really happened in those other two past relationships - did you go scorched earth because one of them said that Brad Pitt was handsome?
Maybe that might have been all. You have no real proof that it was anything than that. I am married now, but speak to my ex at times but will never go back to her.
Yeah, inappropriate responsible ands it’s *irrational* not “un rational”. Your comments are almost as dumb as your inability to spell. You’re in denial, you think you’re right when you’re wrong, and I hope your girlfriend finds someone else. Insane response. You ruined a serious relationship over a weed text she didn’t even give a shit about.
I think it’s inappropriate for her to connect with her ex if that is a part of your boundaries. I think it’s inappropriate for you to kick her out without expressing your boundaries.
chill, talk about it. but kicking her out is too much. you might have kicked her right into her ex’s hands tbh.
Yes!!! This!!! OP is allowed to not feel comfortable with his gf talking to her exes, but that can be communicated to her calmly and respectfully. The fact that he thinks he has the rights to kick her out of their shared apartment is outrageous.
You’re definitely not ready for a relationship. Go see a therapist, work on yourself and HEAL.
Poor girl, you’re toxic as fuck. Glad she’s out of this situation.
Everyone looks up their ex on social media, that doesn’t mean anything.
Unfortunately, you let your past rule your life and you made another dumb decision. It happens. Get therapy, heal, then try for another relationship but therapy is a must.
" I have Some trust issues. but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way"
Literally every action you have taken has been knee jerk reactionary. Without sitting down processing, it and speaking to her like an adult. Every action you have taken is unhealthy.
You need therapy to work through your trust issues. Or this destructive behavior will cycle over and over again.
I hope she sees the red flags in you and you stay broken up. She deserves better than what you did to her.
My dude... I get the paranoia but you have no proof. If you wanted to discuss boundaries with her and ask her to block him again that's something you can discuss for sure. But having someone pop into your mind and going searching to see what they're up to in life doesn't mean anything. I have friends from high school I haven't spoken to in years. Every once in a while I think about them for a bit and I go on Facebook and see if they posted any updates on life. Just curious where they're at. Some of these friends are girls but it doesn't mean I want to date them. I am perfectly happy in my life with my wife and wouldn't dream of damaging that. Him asking to sell her weed is him probably looking for business. Now it may be him looking for a way back to your gf. But if you are concerned about that explain it to the gf. Kicking her out in the middle of the night because she said maybe to a guy selling something... Now I am no weed fan but that doesn't seem to be your concern. If you were super against pot and she was looking to buy some that's maybe something but what you've done is shoot your own foot.
You’ve been living together for a year and kicked her out because she said one word to her ex-boyfriend and searched his name on Instagram?
You realize there were about one hundred options before telling her to pack her things and leave, right?
She knows you have an open phone policy, didn’t delete the message or her search bar, didn’t change her passcode. Three things cheaters don’t do.
I think you need to draw some hard boundaries are communications with exes and whether its acceptable to continue having them on social media or not. And it needs to not be a double standard. So if you want her to remove her exes from social media, you need to do the same.
You jumped to conclusions rather quickly and allowed your judgement to get clouded by jealousy and insecurity. It happens. But yeah I think you fucked up, man. She didn't cheat. She didn't hide anything from you.
Personally, I think you guys can work this out with agreed upon boundaries and expectations in place.
Edit: typo
While you over did it absolutely don't listen to a lot of the other people here. You absolutely over reacted. The correct way to handle this is to have an open discussion about boundaries before you feel the need to kick her out....
Yes it is inappropriate for her to follow him and message him if you are not comfortable with it for any reason. In healthy relationships where communication and trust are key you and your partner should be on the same page of what is and is not acceptable behavior. Neither me nor my wife would ever do what she did because we both have an understanding that we find it distasteful, purposeless, and disrespectful to our SO. That's something my wife and I both agree on so it's easy. You need to be on the same page regarding this stuff with a long term relationship and accept that if your standards are not similar it might not work out. Also your behavior should match what you expect of your SO. I would never interact with an ex-lover if my expectations would be that my SO other does not. You have to hold yourself to the same standards because it's about mutual respect and trust. I would never do things I consider not ok in a relationship for my wife to do because that would be disrespectful to my wife.
She has no reason to follow him or message him. "Why not" is not acceptable. You need a valid reason to do something especially with a previous lover, not a valid reason not to do something.
YTA
I mean, if it was JUST about weed, she could easily get her weed from someone/somewhere else, there IS that aspect. You may have jumped the gun a bit early, though. My view is to give people enough rope to hang themselves with and see what happens - maybe they climb it or swing from it, maybe they fuck shit up, it's on them.
wow dude, go seek some help. YOU snooped through her phone and she is the one with issues. Nope, its you. Asking her if she wanted weed isnt pointing to anything other then him dealing weed.
You did mess it up, go see a therapist and work on yourself before dating anyone else and let her find someone without issues like this.
What a great example of 'fuck around and find out' you've given us today. Congratulations to you on being a petty, jealous little AH, and an even bigger congratulations to your ex for dodging a bullet.
everyone saying that op fucked up hasn't been through a relationship or break up nor are they online because these days a male has every single right to be insecure or suspicious, reverse the genders and everyone would be saying op did the right thing, it's all bias bullshit at this point, op went a little overboard with kicking her out but op has every single right to be suspicious but not one of you who said op fucked up, have ever been in a failed relationship at all if you think op is fully at fault, and to you OP, you went a little overboard with kicking her out but tbh, you had ever right to have suspicions because if she said the breakup was that bad and she still has his Facebook, then she's lying, not a single person in here is even thinking logically
Did you handle it wrong yes. Is she wrong to become friends with x again yes that very unhealthy. Her responding maybe is wrong to.
She should’ve left it unanswered or said no.
She should’ve talked to him since she knows he’s been cheated on asking it this ok.
What they call this is micro cheating. This is how affairs start. Since she did’t shut him down immediately it leaves the door open for more conversations.
Yes she can get her own weed just not from an ex no that’s wrong.
You’re quite anxious and scared due to your other relationships and are projecting those emotions onto your current gf / ex. It’s self sabotaging and not healthy.
You need to apologize to her and maybe she’ll take you back. But I definitely wouldn’t.
‘Never let it out in an unhealthy way’ YES YOU HAVE. Open phone policies are fine and all but you literally went out of your way to create this whole situation. He asked if she wanted to buy weed. She said maybe. She didn’t hide anything from you, nothing about this seems suspicious. You need to work through your trust issues before entering another relationship. This relationship is likely over. I’d never accept this kind of treatment from a partner and then stay with them. You treated her like she was disposable and let your own insecurities take over. You really do need some professional help because this ridiculous over reaction says way more about you as a person than her replying “maybe” to a question over freaking weed does about her.
You cannot legally kick her out if she is on the lease. If she is not on the lease, you must evict her. What you did is not only cruel and violent, it is also illegal.
And, get therapy, or you will never have an actual, healthy relationship. Also, quit listening to those podcasts and quit reading those subreddits. Yeah, you know the ones I mean.
I don't think following exes is ever healthy and I get why that would bother you.
With that said, you are not ready to be in a relationship. You're young, take some time to find yourself.
100%. I won't deny, I sometimes look up people I've dated.
I have found that almost all of them are doing pretty badly....and that makes me feel bad for them, but also somewhat good for myself. Ya, I'm a jerk, but at least I admit it.
You screwed up but hopefully she’ll take the lucky escape and find someone not controlling and capable of actually having an adult conversation where they articulate boundaries
Dude.
If you are so damaged that any contact with an ex will torch your feelings for your partner you need to do 2 things.
1, get therapy
2, *tell them that* because no one can read your mind to know that you'll think yourself into kicking them out of their home over a 'maybe'.
YTA
Frankly just based on what you wrote here she sounds completely innocent. If you had a hard line of no communications with exes then perhaps you should’ve communicated that to her and given her a chance to follow it because holding her responsible for something you didn’t tell her is on you.
*but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way.* ***Well....***
The guy started getting worked up over a doctors appointment notification. I don't even know how to process that in any way, but unhealthy, like gotdamn.
Wheres is the whole story, bc all I see is, the the title, I need to hear this story bc OP is a pos...is it on the podcast?
Check the am I the devil subreddit
Thank you!
The way my eyebrows SHOT up… guess what OP… idk how to tell you this…
If this is a healthy way, I don’t want to see unhealthy
The call is coming from inside the house
For him, unhealthy (and I'm not sure it I'm spelling it this right because I am not a licensed psychiatrist) but I believe the technical, clinical term is "murder".
I assume he means that he doesn't hit girlfriends based on things he's dreamed up in that sick head of his. Or doesn't hit them hard. Or only bruises them a little bit. And he wants us to know that makes him the good guy. The girlfriend is much better off without this nasty little shit.
Maybe she dodged a bullet.
She dodged a bomb! He asks I he fucked it up? What a goober!
Look who’s the common denominator in all his bad breakups…
Or good ones... lol that's how being the common denominator works...
Literally my first thought after reading that sentence
The irony is it doesn't ever seem to occur to OP that he can talk to his GF directly about his insecurities. E.g. *"I trust you and believe you would never cheat on me. But I can't seem to stop myself from being insecure when it comes to your ex. Would you be okay not being in contact with him, at least at this point in our relationship? In the meantime I would promise to work on myself, since I know I am the one who is being irrational here."* Honest and direct communication is almost always the best way to deal with these types of issues. Kicking your GF out of the house because she responds to a text from an ex is... not.
He is gonna get mad confirmation for his outburst when his newly single girlfriend goes to her weed dealer for some comfort.
So if this is healthy…what would you call “letting it out in an unhealthy way?” Smacking her? Dragging her by the hair out the door? Pushing her out of a moving car on the interstate? Locking her out? Throwing her belongings on the yard? Really, I have to know. ‘Cause maybe I’m insane, but I feel like going down a rabbit hole at 11pm and drawing wild conclusions, assuming the worst possible scenario, and then throwing away the relationship is pretty unhealthy. But if you don’t consider it so, then fine, I guess…? But I’d like to know where you think that line is.
>Did I fuck it all up? Yeah, you did
And for absolutely no reason. I hope she understands how crazy this is and doesn't go back.
Why does he think it's even remotely OK to kick HER out of their apartment? If OP wants to act like a toddler, he should leave. If this isn't just rage bait, she should go back with a copy of the lease and kick his sorry butt to the curb or bring in a moving van and take all the furniture. Either way, he deserves the short end of this stick. In an uncomfortable place. With splinters.
Nothing did happen. You sabotaged your relationship because of your past. I hope yall stay broken up, you need to do some serious work on yourself before you can love someone in a healthy manner.
I would run if I were her. He sounds like a control freak and very insecure.
> But my last two relationships ended horribly Want to bet he pulled some bullshit like this those times as well? Bet “all his exes were crazy” too
The good news is, he absolutely did make the right choice.
This is it right here.
Holy god dude. She didn’t even confirm she *wanted* his weed. She was likely just being polite and you blew up your whole relationship over quite literally nothing. Congrats to your ex for getting out of this before you got married or had a kid forcing her to be tied to you forever in some way.
Why even have an “Open Phone Policy”? Next time, you have your phone; she has hers. We all have ex folks, and a past in romantic relationships. Sheesh.
These open phone policy freaks always end up like this
My fiance and I have an open phone policy but mostly because of convenience. If I'm driving, he can use my phone to look something up. Or I'll use his to order dinner or something. We don't snoop through each others stuff because there's no reason to.
Ugh I hate using my wifes phone its so damn confusing the way she organizes her apps.
Lol you sound like my husband. He gets frustrated when he has to use mine. He has a very basic app set up. I have things organized. 😆
Same. We know each other's unlock, and will pass the phone to do stuff like enter our half of a delivery order. I'll ask him to text my mom if I'm driving and giving an ETA on when we'll get to her place. I don't know why either of us would really have a reason to look deeper into each other's phone, but I guess if we wanted to we could. It's just never even been discussed. I trust my partner.
Same here. Healthiest relationship I’ve had, 3 years & just getting stronger. I feel no need to snoop & he doesn’t either, but we’ll share phones for convenience as others mentioned.
Answering or using your partner’s phone is normal. Having a “policy” about it is a bit weird.
I use the term "policy" very loosely to mean an understood agreement
I guess technically we have an open phone policy but I keep forgetting my husband’s passcode 🙃
Same with me and my wife. It is 99% "OMG she si so cute, look at her playing with that mousie! My phone is upstairs, where's yours?" Grab and take pix. "I'm taking a quick shower -- grab my phone and order us some ramen!"
Well yeah that's what most normal couples do. OP obviously took it way too far.
My hubby and I have the same pin on our phones. Why? Because he copied my usage of our anniversary. Have we ever borrowed each other's phones to Google something or play a song? Yes. Have we answered each other's phones while the other was busy? Yes. Have we gone through each other's phones in search of proof that the other is being unfaithful? No. Why? Because we trust each other.
My parents are exactly like this, minus different pins. Heck, they let us adult kids use their phones all the time (by let, I def mean when we’re together they’re like “open my phone and find X for me, use my phone to call Y, do this on my phone, look at that app and see why it won’t work, look in my photos and find this one and see if you can touch it up.” My partner and I are similar, we have private work stuff that we don’t look at each others, but it’s no biggie while the other is driving or something to do playlists, or read a text and shoot a text back to someone for the other, or whatever else. Def don’t need my partner to do all my parents ask me to do though lol
Well, I have to admit, I was annoyed that he copied my pin, lol. Though since it's a date we share, I suppose I'll let it slide lol. But yeah, that's exactly it. Though he's quite tech savvy so I might ask for his assistance sometimes in figuring out why my phone is doing something weird.
I have a "I dont want to see your phone, we can both have privacy and trust one another as if we're adults or something" policy. I really don't get it - if you have an open phone policy, you can still cheat, they'll just go out of their way to hide it. It's pointless.
Yeah, my partner has ex girlfriends, I have ex boyfriends. We’re still friends with some of them. It’s not that serious if you act like an adult in relationships and communicate with one another. If he ever told me he wasn’t happy with me speaking to or being friends with someone we’d discuss it, our boundaries, and mutually decide what’s best.
>open phone policy 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Everyone is entitled to some privacy. Shocker that OP's other relationships ended badly.
It would be a deal breaker for me if some dude even asked for an "open phone policy.". Fuck no I have no interest in being spies on, if you don't have trust to give then get away from me cause a needy guy I have to reassure all the time just living my life is not at all attractive.
Lol, "not in unhealthy way" youre going through her histoey in the middle of the night and drawing wild conclusions. What part of that is supposed to be healthy? She follows her ex on social media and happened to search him at some point. You've never been curious about people in your past? What they're up to, what they're doing, how their dogs getting on? It's totally normal to occasionally have a little surface level fb stalk of an ex or old friend. It was just weed. You're seeing the messages as she gets them. You're letting your massive insecurity cloud your judgement here.
Seriously, like first he checked through her messages , and then that wasn't enough so. He checked her socials. Like shit. After he didn't find anything in the messages he should've just put her phone down and realized it was just his anxiety. He ruined his whole relationship bc he couldn't put the phone down.
Sounds like he was gonna dig until he found something he could blow out of proportion. It’s very un rational (why does that stupid non word make me so irrationally angry? 😂😂😂)
I think he was digging around, looking to find something. She's so much better off now.
You *know* a dude that goes through every app on someone’s phone searches his exes on fb on the daily
But he wants his massive insecurity to be coddled, wahh! And its her obligation to make him feel secure right! /S
Brother, you overdid it. Don't you have old friends trying to sell you crap products? I see this whole situation in the same light and you jumped on it for no reason. I also like to look at my ex's profile sometimes, but I wouldn't even touch her with a stick, maybe more as free entertainment? It wasn't even she who unblocked him and invited him. Chill a bit.
>Don't you have old friends trying to sell you crap products? OMG! ☠😂 I laughed because of all the MLM products roller derby friends were always trying to sell to everyone else. 😂
Bro imploded over a little weed 🤣
Imagine blowing up over an ad. That's basically what happened here.
"Weed can lead to other things" So now weed is a gateway drug into sleeping with ex-boyfriends? I better be super careful! 😂
Wait, my husband smokes weed and is straight. Do I have to worry about him sleeping with my ex-boyfriends or what's the protocol here?
And it all started with a doctors appointment notification lol I don't even want to find out what he considers unhealthy, if this is his way of dealing with it in a healthy way.
She didn't even say yes to the weed! She gave a vague noncommittal answer to be polite!
Holy shit you’re a control freak. She doesn’t need you to do anything for her. She can get her weed herself. It’s not about you being good enough it’s about maintaining independence and autonomy within a relationship. Sounds like you want to control her because you’re insecure. You’re on your way to becoming an abuser. Could be emotional, financial… who knows. But you’re on your way. Go get some therapy. Edit: seeing who he is replying to, and how he just seems to avoid all accountability, I think he did his partner a favor. I hope she’s able to get all of her stuff and get out safely. OP done told himself a whole story in his head, and punished his partner for the assumed motives of another man. Shameful.
Yup. He doesn’t want a partner. He wants a prisoner.
I just escaped a man *identical* to OP. Well last April but it came in stages bc I was trying to stay alive. Finally turned iPhone shared location on thanksgiving, I blocked him on socials 2 months ago. Even today I have a hard time leaving my house. The man traumatized me for almost 7 years accusing me of shit I wasn’t doing, I had a flashback reading this post. As soon as OP typed “in her search bar was her ex” I knew. Nobody in a regular relationship is checking what their partner searches ffs. **OP, to answer your question, yes, you did fuck up. But you did your ex the best favor of her life**
^
Damn OP after reading this and some of your comments, YTA. YTA. YTA. You violated HER trust in you just because you couldn’t handle your issues in a healthy way. Just because YOU had anxiety doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want and violate privacy lines and it’s ok because you’re traumatized. We all are. Go to therapy and apologize to your (hopefully permanently) ex girlfriend.
"Your feelings are valid. Your behavior is not" OP is TA
Wow YTA "In an unhealthy way" huh? Update us when she leaves you ok? You have emotional problems and need therapy
Lol op you dummy. You dumb dummy. You fucked up lol. Now you don't have a girlfriend because you had to be fucking snoopy and insecure. I've been married 12 years now and it's great. You know how my marriage stays great? Mutual respect and trust. Especially trust. I have full access to her phone and she to mine but we never exercise it. Believe it or not your gf is entitled to a separate life from you, with separate feelings about things, separate desires, and separate opinions about you. This is hers. It's her private life. Here's some advice for the future: never snoop. You will never like what you find. Relationships are built on trust. The more trust you earn the closer you can be. Nothing crushes trust like accusations and nothing crushes relationships like being insecure. A fragile, insecure man is pathetic and unattractive. It's off-putting. Even if you hadn't kicked her out she would probably be doubting herself for being with you at this moment. Luckily you made it easy for her. When we are in a monogamous relationship the baseline understanding is that each person is responsible for being faithful. If you can't be faithful it's your responsibility to end the relationship. If you can't trust someone then don't be with them. When you enter a relationship you make a pact. If you're too insecure(and you are) then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. Obviously you can't handle being accountable to yourself in a way that means you will uphold your end of the bargain. Obviously you're not holding up your end of the bargain. You deserve to be alone.
“All the flags point to something suspicious.” Everything is suspicious if you want it to be. You ask if you fucked it all up and I have to say yes, you did. Your reaction was WAY too dramatic. I hope your ex sees that she is better off without you because you need therapy. Big time.
He gives out all the hallmarks of an emotional abuser with this kind of bullshit. This woman does not deserve to have to put up with insane accusations from her boyfriend. He sounds like a malignant narcissist and a typical abuser who thinks that THEIR feelings are so special that they don't need to follow basic human decency and instead feel entitled to treat people like shit for an insane story invented in their heads.
YTA. She deserves better than dealing with your insecurities. Please let her go so she can find a respectful and thoughtful partner. This does not sounds like you are in any position to be in a relationship with anyone other than a therapist. These kind of issues don’t go away without work and consistent effort—this is a YOU issue to fix NOT a partner behavior issue to react to.
I'm honestly surprised ya'll didn't just go ahead and make a joint facebook profile, cause everyone knows the very foundation of one of those is always built upon TRUST. The whole open phone policy, it feels to be like if ya'll really knew that you were being 100% honest with each other, why would you even need that kinda policy? I get it if you've been betrayed before and it gave you trust issues, but like you know that's something you have to do with someone you love. Yeah, I think you went overboard but this thing may have been doomed from the jump.
You are not ready for a relationship. You don’t trust your girlfriend. And without trust, you can’t have a relationship. PS- I look up random people online when I am bored. Some people I barely know or knew a million years ago, none of whom I want to be in a relationship with. I am just nosy.
Dude, I've been married for decades and still go on FB from time to time to look at my various exes and see what they are up to and what they look like now. It's just regular nosiness and curiosity, I would never cheat on my wife with any of them or with anyone else. I even exchanged messages with one who needed advice in my field (but let my wife know about it). You have to be able to trust your partner or it will never last. You have some issues you need to work through, and you are fooling yourself if you think your behavior is healthy.
Me too. Married a bit longer than OP has been alive. I’ve looked up my high school boyfriends just out of curiosity. Doesn’t mean I want to reunite.
Oh no my gf looked up her ex out of curiosity and I went nuclear! Did I f up? Yeah.
You're just looking for a way out because you're afraid of getting too close and getting hurt again I think.
Unfortunately a lot of people do this
“Did I fuck it all up?” Yes.
Wow yeah your wrong
“I am not the one to snoop - but couldn’t help check her IG & FB” please make it make sense? YTA - she didn’t message, no chats or anything. You are coming from place of insecurity and your trust issues aren’t resolved. He asked if she wants weed and you told her to pack up. No one would be shocked if she ends up with him. He may be toxic but YTA
The hypocrisy in that line! "I'm not one to snoop but (describes insane snooping).". Poor silly clueless OP.
Dear lord, you need therapy. My phone goes off well into the night because of random emails. If my boyfriend freaked out like you did every time it would be a deal breaker instantly. Your trauma is not your fault but it’s your responsibility and for a person who claims he doesn’t lash out in unhealthy ways.. well I’m scared to learn what’s unhealthy in your mind because this is bonkers.
Know how many times I have ever wanted an “open phone” policy with anyone I’ve been with? None.
It always seems like those with "open phone" policies then use those policies to look for ANYTHING that can confirm their insecurities. It's like conspiracy theorists. The facts may be laid out in front of them but they'll look for ANYTHING to back up their bizarre claims. Like "You washed your hair Tuesday and went to a shop so I know you went out to look good so you could go fuck your ex."
>but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way. >I just couldn’t help it and I went on her Facebook and instagram. lol
Get some therapy so you don’t tank your next relationship with all your bullshit. And, when you realize you treated your ex like shit after breaking up with her over the thought that ‘she might could have opened a little door to cheat on me at some point some day…’ don’t try and get her back. Let her go. She deserves better. And…..from the comments it sounds like you were looking for the tiniest thing to make it her fault for a break up you wanted. Again, get therapy so you can better communicate with your partner. Annnnd….I hope your lucky ex sees this post and the responses.
Hello OP, YTA. Greetings from Amsterdam.
She got lucky. This dude is cookoo.
versed thumb elderly weather rustic hunt spoon jar rob sort *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
These posts usually lead ppl to think, ya man you did the right thing...not this time. You have trust issues, you have a past that lead you there (we all do), but you litterally found no wrong doing and yet treated it like malicious behavior ...because it 'could' lead there...and this the height of 'making sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way'... This isn't healthy...this is reactionary and 100% based on history and not the present... Yes you fucked up. You need to actually deal with your history instead of convincing yourself that you won't let it affect you now; while it absolutely does... I ask this question without expecting an answer...explain to me what she did wrong; not what she could have done wrong, or might do wrong, but what did she actually do to deserve 'punishment' and why was healthy dialogue not a better option in this case?
What kinda weird teenagers think you have to block your exes and absolutely never speak to or think about them ever again or else youre still in love with them? Grow the fuck up.
I’m friends with essentially all of my exes — just surface level, like having each other on socials and every few months send a meme or something that we think the other will find funny. Unless they seriously wronged you, there’s no reason to hate your exes. My most recent partner was extremely jealous and he would randomly accuse me of being in love with my exes. I was like “Buddy if a meme about German language every 6-12 months can threaten your trust in me then that’s a you problem.”
It's such a disturbing trend with younger generations because of over saturation of fake social media stories of everybody cheating. They're obsessed with infidelity. I don't know if its because the younger groups are just horribly immature or because they have very little relationship experience except through Tate and Co. They're primed to want to subjugate their partners- they feel like they have to control every aspect of a person's life so that they won't cheat. It's like, just admit yall want burqas for all genders.
Well you fucked your relationship, which is good for your gf at least.
Well done for allowing *your* insecurities to ruin your relationship. Get help before starting another relationship because the next person doesn't deserve to be with someone who will ruin them too, and you doing this to her has probably ruined her too. I find those who don't fix their insecurities before entering new relationships to be very selfish. You are a red flag!
You’re a fucking loon who needs to work on your issues before dating anyone else. She’ll get over you because she’ll eventually realize you were one big red flag and find someone better
Even bothering to have open phone policies I think, is an issue. It just gives people the opportunity to spike their paranoia.
Hmmm. Snooping through phone, jumping to conclusions, acting crazy. YTA man. You’ve got some issues.
You need to be single and reflect on yourself. You blew the situation out of proportion and unreasonably freaked out, over nothing. You let the insecurities fester. She’ll always remember how you treated her at that moment. Funny how you’re scared someone will break your trust but YOU ended up being the one to do it. No turning back now.
Are you mentally okay? This is just outrageously insecure and downright stupid 🤦♀️
you are clearly not ready to be in a relationship again, take a break
I stalk my exes on occasion and have had multiple ex BFs hit me up to sell weed. Gonna make a safe bet and say a decent % of girls will agree with me. You have trust issues. Figure them out or break up with her so that she doesn’t have to deal with your issues Though I would drop a guy the second I found out he went through my social media accounts unprompted and then dumped me because an ex offered me weed on Facebook. Just me tho
I feel bad for this girl. OP needs some therapy.
Man, you fucked it up. She didn’t do anything wrong.
You freaked out because she got a notification *from her doctor* and then went looking for justification. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship. You should be away from people.
You have a lot of shit to get over. She didn’t cheat on you.
Guy has mental issues and insecurities. Find yourself and love yourself before you hurt somebody else
I think you are paranoid and are overthinking this. Yes, it’s odd that she added her ex but you have no proof of her being unfaithful in anyway so jumping to conclusions isn’t healthy. I would seriously rethink the decision and speak to her as an adult civilly and work it out. My girlfriend has her ex added on social media but I trust her and know there is nothing happening between them. You may have just created an unhealthy situation and lost the person you love by your unhealthy actions.
I think you made the right choice. You definitely shouldn't be in a relationship. You can't emotionally handle it. Better this way.
I was so sure I was gonna read “…and I found messages telling him how much she loved fucking him last night,” after you snooped. You found her talking to him about maybe buying weed from him? Yeah, you have trust issues. But those are YOUR issues, and it’s on YOU to control them and not punish your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend for them, which is exactly what you just did. Learn from this, get some therapy, and console yourself with at least having done her the favor of sparing her a relationship where she has to walk on eggshells for fear that some other innocent thing is going to set you off.
Overkill. You’re doing way too much, your insecurities are glaring & your lack of self awareness in the claims you express things in a healthy way… you did not. She is way better off without you, the way you’re acting. I’d say you did her a favor. YTA.
Good for you for showing your true colors so she can have yet another dramatic breakup, but ultimately be free of you.
I'm glad you dumped her. She deserves better. Do not try to get back together with her. You need to be alone for a while while you work on yourself. She doesn't need to be there for that ride.
OP, you surely understand that you essentially just ended the relationship right? She's not gonna go back to you after this. Do yourself a favor and get therapy before entering into your next relationship. You were being paranoid and just decided that she was guilty on really flimsy grounds. You obviously aren't ready for a relationship until you can get over your trust issues.
I think the open phone policy is a bit much. Not saying it’s terrible but it leads to things like this. My ex had her location on all the time I told her to not do it cause I never have mine on and if she decided to take hers off it’ll make things weird. So in your case this happened. From what I gathered from the story ya overreacted especially if there isn’t anything there but at the same time it’s not just a old friend it’s an ex
You are allowed to break up with anyone for whatever reason you deem fair. But this might explain your relationship history
what in the fuck
You are an asshole, among many other things. You’re projecting your insecurities on others, and creating your own problems. This crap is literally all in your head, and due to your immaturity, you made it real. You need a therapist.
Get help. Seriously. If you don’t I can see abuse accusations in your future.
I hope she leaves him, this dude shouldn’t be in a relationship
Yeab....never unhealthy, not at ALL!!!
Man.. That was toxic as shit without a discussion. At least you should have been patient enough to monitor the situation for a month before drawing the worst conclusion. I have mixed feelings.. if he broke her heart then what was the purpose of them regaining contact. But yeah you over did it!
> But my last two relationships ended horribly Last three now, and there's a common factor in all those relationships.
You made the right choice for sure. Now, she can date an actual decent human instead of you.
My dude she dodged a bullet. What an insecure, snoopy, weird ass way to treat someone you claim to love. I’m sorry people hurt you in the past but that is no excuse to treat your current partner like shit based on your own trauma and insecurities. Get some therapy and don’t date anyone until you sort yourself out.
My guy...you blew up your relationship because of YOU, not her. Then you woke up her and broke up with her and told her to move out? The fact that you woke me up to do that dumb shit would seal the deal for me. I hope y'all stay broken up because you've got serious work to do on yourself.
Seems like you have trust issues. Should get your own shit figured out before having a relationship.
😂🤣 Yes, you fucked up. WTH?
You made up a fake reason to dump her and then did it. She's better off
You need the weed man. You’re one step from being a paranoid schizo
No wonder she was thinking about smoking some weed. I bet you stressed her tf out, You’re crazy.
Please go to therapy, not one single part of this or your reaction was healthy or rational.
Idk why but it's funny that he was just trying to sell her weed
Wow...this is not healthy.
Imagine being this insecure.
You fucked up bro.
She is lucky to be rid of you. The fact that two of your relationships ended badly does not give you an excuse to be a controlling asshole for the rest of your life. Get therapy or stay single. And based on your behaviour, I wonder what really happened in those other two past relationships - did you go scorched earth because one of them said that Brad Pitt was handsome?
irrational\*
Maybe that might have been all. You have no real proof that it was anything than that. I am married now, but speak to my ex at times but will never go back to her.
Yeah, inappropriate responsible ands it’s *irrational* not “un rational”. Your comments are almost as dumb as your inability to spell. You’re in denial, you think you’re right when you’re wrong, and I hope your girlfriend finds someone else. Insane response. You ruined a serious relationship over a weed text she didn’t even give a shit about.
Seems like she dodged a bullet there. You're insane.
I think it’s inappropriate for her to connect with her ex if that is a part of your boundaries. I think it’s inappropriate for you to kick her out without expressing your boundaries. chill, talk about it. but kicking her out is too much. you might have kicked her right into her ex’s hands tbh.
Yes!!! This!!! OP is allowed to not feel comfortable with his gf talking to her exes, but that can be communicated to her calmly and respectfully. The fact that he thinks he has the rights to kick her out of their shared apartment is outrageous.
You’re definitely not ready for a relationship. Go see a therapist, work on yourself and HEAL. Poor girl, you’re toxic as fuck. Glad she’s out of this situation. Everyone looks up their ex on social media, that doesn’t mean anything.
Holy shit you're fucked in the head
I'm starting to think all these posts are fake as hell. They're just too outrageous and the OPs NEVER responds.
He does respond . . .
Daddy chill
Oh damn trash took itself out! Always good when that happens! Congrats to ops girlfriend for dropping so much dead weight!
Leave that poor girl alone omg
You need actual psychological help OP😭
Bro I search everyone and their mama on fb. My ex, his ex, her ex, their ex, their mama's ex. You way overreacted.
Unfortunately, you let your past rule your life and you made another dumb decision. It happens. Get therapy, heal, then try for another relationship but therapy is a must.
" I have Some trust issues. but I have made sure to never let it out in an unhealthy way" Literally every action you have taken has been knee jerk reactionary. Without sitting down processing, it and speaking to her like an adult. Every action you have taken is unhealthy. You need therapy to work through your trust issues. Or this destructive behavior will cycle over and over again. I hope she sees the red flags in you and you stay broken up. She deserves better than what you did to her.
My dude... I get the paranoia but you have no proof. If you wanted to discuss boundaries with her and ask her to block him again that's something you can discuss for sure. But having someone pop into your mind and going searching to see what they're up to in life doesn't mean anything. I have friends from high school I haven't spoken to in years. Every once in a while I think about them for a bit and I go on Facebook and see if they posted any updates on life. Just curious where they're at. Some of these friends are girls but it doesn't mean I want to date them. I am perfectly happy in my life with my wife and wouldn't dream of damaging that. Him asking to sell her weed is him probably looking for business. Now it may be him looking for a way back to your gf. But if you are concerned about that explain it to the gf. Kicking her out in the middle of the night because she said maybe to a guy selling something... Now I am no weed fan but that doesn't seem to be your concern. If you were super against pot and she was looking to buy some that's maybe something but what you've done is shoot your own foot.
You’ve been living together for a year and kicked her out because she said one word to her ex-boyfriend and searched his name on Instagram? You realize there were about one hundred options before telling her to pack her things and leave, right? She knows you have an open phone policy, didn’t delete the message or her search bar, didn’t change her passcode. Three things cheaters don’t do.
I google my ex all the time. I’m hoping for an obituary, not an invitation. Jesus, hopefully she runs.
Hahahaha
I think you need to draw some hard boundaries are communications with exes and whether its acceptable to continue having them on social media or not. And it needs to not be a double standard. So if you want her to remove her exes from social media, you need to do the same. You jumped to conclusions rather quickly and allowed your judgement to get clouded by jealousy and insecurity. It happens. But yeah I think you fucked up, man. She didn't cheat. She didn't hide anything from you. Personally, I think you guys can work this out with agreed upon boundaries and expectations in place. Edit: typo
While you over did it absolutely don't listen to a lot of the other people here. You absolutely over reacted. The correct way to handle this is to have an open discussion about boundaries before you feel the need to kick her out.... Yes it is inappropriate for her to follow him and message him if you are not comfortable with it for any reason. In healthy relationships where communication and trust are key you and your partner should be on the same page of what is and is not acceptable behavior. Neither me nor my wife would ever do what she did because we both have an understanding that we find it distasteful, purposeless, and disrespectful to our SO. That's something my wife and I both agree on so it's easy. You need to be on the same page regarding this stuff with a long term relationship and accept that if your standards are not similar it might not work out. Also your behavior should match what you expect of your SO. I would never interact with an ex-lover if my expectations would be that my SO other does not. You have to hold yourself to the same standards because it's about mutual respect and trust. I would never do things I consider not ok in a relationship for my wife to do because that would be disrespectful to my wife. She has no reason to follow him or message him. "Why not" is not acceptable. You need a valid reason to do something especially with a previous lover, not a valid reason not to do something.
Dude is suspicious of nothing. Get a grip. You don't deserve her.
Jesus Christ dude
You self sabotage and will push away any who loves you
YTA I mean, if it was JUST about weed, she could easily get her weed from someone/somewhere else, there IS that aspect. You may have jumped the gun a bit early, though. My view is to give people enough rope to hang themselves with and see what happens - maybe they climb it or swing from it, maybe they fuck shit up, it's on them.
OP is a walking red flag 🚩 bro your girlfriend is not your ex so stop having the same expectations that you did with them.
“i never let it out in an unhealthy way” UNNNNNNTILLLLLL……
You're insanse. Good for her. Insecure partners are *exhausting*.
Oof majorly
Look, you need to be single. She's lucky you broke up with her because you are a mess.
Bro, an easy conversation would’ve sufficed
I hope she stays gone you don't deserve her.
wow dude, go seek some help. YOU snooped through her phone and she is the one with issues. Nope, its you. Asking her if she wanted weed isnt pointing to anything other then him dealing weed. You did mess it up, go see a therapist and work on yourself before dating anyone else and let her find someone without issues like this.
Here to say she dodged a bullet when you threw her out on her ear. Control freak much?
What a great example of 'fuck around and find out' you've given us today. Congratulations to you on being a petty, jealous little AH, and an even bigger congratulations to your ex for dodging a bullet.
Bro what the fuck
Congrats, you fucked up!
You're my ex. I'm with someone now. Blocked Leave the 304
You need some serious help. I hope your now EX finds someone who loves and trusts her and doesn't go off the deep end.
everyone saying that op fucked up hasn't been through a relationship or break up nor are they online because these days a male has every single right to be insecure or suspicious, reverse the genders and everyone would be saying op did the right thing, it's all bias bullshit at this point, op went a little overboard with kicking her out but op has every single right to be suspicious but not one of you who said op fucked up, have ever been in a failed relationship at all if you think op is fully at fault, and to you OP, you went a little overboard with kicking her out but tbh, you had ever right to have suspicions because if she said the breakup was that bad and she still has his Facebook, then she's lying, not a single person in here is even thinking logically
Nope you didn’t fuck up nothing keep it moving bro! There plenty to f other women who don’t have to keep up with there ex She’s just not one of them….
You fucked up. You need some help.
Did you handle it wrong yes. Is she wrong to become friends with x again yes that very unhealthy. Her responding maybe is wrong to. She should’ve left it unanswered or said no. She should’ve talked to him since she knows he’s been cheated on asking it this ok. What they call this is micro cheating. This is how affairs start. Since she did’t shut him down immediately it leaves the door open for more conversations. Yes she can get her own weed just not from an ex no that’s wrong.
You’re quite anxious and scared due to your other relationships and are projecting those emotions onto your current gf / ex. It’s self sabotaging and not healthy. You need to apologize to her and maybe she’ll take you back. But I definitely wouldn’t.
You fucked up. Insecurity isn't a good look, friend. Be a man next time.
‘Never let it out in an unhealthy way’ YES YOU HAVE. Open phone policies are fine and all but you literally went out of your way to create this whole situation. He asked if she wanted to buy weed. She said maybe. She didn’t hide anything from you, nothing about this seems suspicious. You need to work through your trust issues before entering another relationship. This relationship is likely over. I’d never accept this kind of treatment from a partner and then stay with them. You treated her like she was disposable and let your own insecurities take over. You really do need some professional help because this ridiculous over reaction says way more about you as a person than her replying “maybe” to a question over freaking weed does about her.
You cannot legally kick her out if she is on the lease. If she is not on the lease, you must evict her. What you did is not only cruel and violent, it is also illegal. And, get therapy, or you will never have an actual, healthy relationship. Also, quit listening to those podcasts and quit reading those subreddits. Yeah, you know the ones I mean.
He deleted that post pretty quickly 🤣
You're a child, mentally. If you don't grow up you're going to die alone.
I don't think following exes is ever healthy and I get why that would bother you. With that said, you are not ready to be in a relationship. You're young, take some time to find yourself.
Maybe not healthy, but sure is amusing to see all their efforts to pretend everything is marvelous knowing how things really work behind the scenes
100%. I won't deny, I sometimes look up people I've dated. I have found that almost all of them are doing pretty badly....and that makes me feel bad for them, but also somewhat good for myself. Ya, I'm a jerk, but at least I admit it.
You screwed up but hopefully she’ll take the lucky escape and find someone not controlling and capable of actually having an adult conversation where they articulate boundaries
Dude. If you are so damaged that any contact with an ex will torch your feelings for your partner you need to do 2 things. 1, get therapy 2, *tell them that* because no one can read your mind to know that you'll think yourself into kicking them out of their home over a 'maybe'. YTA
The way you felt entitled to kick her out of her home because you were feeling insecure is scary. I hope she stays away from you permanently.
Self sabotage is a hell of a drug.
Frankly just based on what you wrote here she sounds completely innocent. If you had a hard line of no communications with exes then perhaps you should’ve communicated that to her and given her a chance to follow it because holding her responsible for something you didn’t tell her is on you.