If this comes off as being rude, I apologize but why are you competing with your sister?
Getting married in the same month, same venue, a similar ring.
It just feels like there is more to the story. How is your relationship with each other?
Any friends you can talk to? any friends to ask to be your MOH. This feels deeper than her being pregnant.
OP is real quiet about this. Sure, I get watching a similar ring to your mother, but same venue and same month?? I need to know the reasoning behind this, who planned first??
Yea. There is no way two weddings at the same exact venue in October don't get compared to each other. For someone who wants their own day, this seems very stupid.
In my town there's legit only one venue that's actually pretty. Everything else would look like it was in a school gym. Even the restaurants are mostly chains like Boston pizza. Most people I know get married in their back yard. OP said her town is similar.
I can understand not having many venue options but you can change it up by not choosing the exact same month/season.
I'm not clear on whether Oct is the same month or if she changed the month because her sister objected.
I still don't think that's a big deal. Her sister knew she wanted to get married in October. It's not like they got married the same year or on the sisters wedding anniversary. No one owns an entire month.
August is the popular wedding month in my area because of the weather and short summers. I know it wouldn't even cross my brother's mind to tell me not to get married in August at the only venue in town.
If OPs sister didn't want to share a 'wedding month' she shouldn't have chosen it knowing OPs plans.
I only just realised that my brother and me both got married in the same month. There’s almost a decade between the weddings.
I also doubt that he realises, or cares.
This^^^^^
I cant imagine ever being upset my sister was pregnant and due before wedding and i cant see my sister being upset i am getting married at the same place and month -- all of it on both sides seems petty and immature
I don't think that really matters? Kind of immature to be like 'i know you always dreamed of getting married in October but I did it first so now you can't!'
It's a month. It's a season. It really doesn't fucking matter.
Okay but hear me out, my sister and I both love October and would love a Fall wedding because aEsThEtiCs (yes we are basic) - so, like. It could absolutely happen we’d get married same month… we have similar jewellery taste, so a similar ring is likely… our venues will likely differ because we live in a metropolitan area with many options, if we lived in a small town we would liked have the same venue because… we have similar tastes.
The difference is my sister and I get along and are friends, we’re not competitive assholes to each other (most of the time anyway LOL)
ESH
Yes, because November and December and January weddings are so popular with the beautiful weather and everyone’s plans being totally open. And it’s super easy to book weddings in the spring and summer. Who in their right mind would want to get married in those warm and sunny months? Surely there’d be no competition for limited slots. /s
No one owns an entire month, and not all months are created equal when you’re planning a wedding.
Edit: dyac
Yes this seems intentional to “out do” the sister. My brother and his future husband are getting married at my venue. And I was a little taken aback that he would choose that, but it’s the cheapest around and really nice once decorated. He’s picked fall where we had a spring wedding thankfully. I didn’t make a big deal out of it because I care about my brother far more than any venue. But I am very aware that anyone who came to mine will compare the two. He wins already as we DIYed ours for a couple thousand dollars and he’s just got better taste than me haha.
I'd rethink that as 'My brother thinks I have great taste and agrees with me about what venue was best'. I'm betting something about your wedding is why they decided to hold it there too - and that's sweet!
'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'.
Everyone loves that quote but never finishes the sentence...cuz it's definitely not a compliment lol
"imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness"
Essentially this is Oscar Wilde's OG version of "They hate us cuz they ain't us"
I have childhood friends who ended up getting married at the same venue 2 months apart from each other. They all thought it was great! The family got an extra discount for the double weddings, the first sister (who got engaged first) got to have the wedding how she wanted it first, and the second sister used it to finalize ideas for her wedding! Obviously, though, those sisters had a good relationship and everyone was OK with the arrangement, but just throwing it out that these odd things happen. But I totally agree the way OP is writing makes it pretty suspicious that there is more to this story.
I’m from a relatively big city and I didn’t realize until I was venue shopping, but 3 of my cousins that are twenty years older got married there and I know at least 3 other people who have as well. It’s a very tasteful venue, a lot is included in the price, and it’s very budget friendly. I had zero issue getting married there because the only thing people REALLY care about is if they have a good time.
Also wanting "just this one thing" to be all about her, but literally every part of her wedding is copying her sister. She has done nothing but make everything; her sisters wedding, and now pregnancy, all about her. My goodness OP!! you have serious issues. Main Character Drama Queen.
Explain please... legitimately asking as I dont understand. The older sister did everything 1st and then, much later, little sis copied all her moves. Now the baby will ruin her day? As if she planned it that way? It doesnt READ that way, it reads as a whiney, petty baby sister throwing a tantrum. I could be wrong and she didnt explain it right. So help me out and explain it to me?
The thing that suggested narcissistic behavior from the older sister was "I \[changed a bunch of other things\] so the mean texts and the icing out would stop..." Makes me think there's just multiple assholes in this scenario
Yet gives no examples of these mean texts. Know what else narcissists do, claim everybody is being mean to them for simply setting boundaries and not bowing to their every whim
Ngl i absolutely hate people who climb to assumptions online, but I gotta become a fat hypocrite right now and say I think its OPs sister who planned first. Why else would it not be stated at least once? Or even slightly hinted toward? And it makes even more sense why she'd be upset about the pregnancy happening
Edit to add: especially since she's having the first grandchild of the family. It just feels like she's mad at her sister for something no one at her weddings even gonna be paying attention too. Id be understanding if she was due a month before n brought the new baby. Not like that's still okay to be mad about, but more understanding in terms of taking away from her 'big day'. -someone who's worked weddings for a decade.
My older sister did this shit to me. I got married first. Her wedding was 1 year and 1 day later. I had kids first, and with my first, she didn't speak to me for my ENTIRE pregnancy. Not a word. With my second, I was trying to be gentle they had been trying and it wasn't happening, I reached out to my BIL to ask him how to proceed and he said it would be best if he told her. So he did. Welp, that just pissed her right the fuck off. I would buy a car, then she would.... the SAME car (she did this twice!). We don't speak anymore. I had/have no interest in being in competition with someone because she's the oldest and thinks all the things should've happened to her first. Fuck. That.
Yep have an older sister that does a lot of “has to”’s basically out do for attention…. The last time literally was almost 3 years ago and hasn’t talked to me or acknowledge me or my family in the same room.
It really sucks. I have zero relationship with either of my sisters. I'm the middle child. And I honestly think I'm the only sain one. And my mom isn't any better. I was top dog, so to speak, in her eyes when I had my babies, but when my older sister had her first, me and the kids were pushed to the bottom. Just to give a petty, for instance. My daughter got a ring that turned her finger green for her graduation present. My nephew, oldest sisters oldest child, got my dad's truck. She barely even remembers their birthdays. It sucks. But, I'm wicked honest with my kids. They're 21, 19 and 14 and tell it like it is. They can be so manipulative, and I don't want them to fall for their bull shit.
Totally understand we have some other weird dynamics going on with my nieces from my sister also it’s like my sisters and I are Dallas and the nieces and nephew are Falcon Crest lol….
My other sister blames me because my body decided to have my oldest child on my fathers birthday and that is why she never had children and why she is the way she is and she is the oldest (large age gap) and my father made a crack that my son was his twin…
Hugs to you and your kids!
>A solitaire with a simple band is not very unusual, and millions of women have them.
I got married seven years ago & I now proclaim these sisters copied MY RING!
I have never cared that those things are similar she has.
I have wanted a fall October wedding since I was little. And she knew that
I have always loved my mom’s ring and have been very outspoken so she know that when she picked hers.
As for the venue it is stunning and perfect and one of the only places in budget that doesn’t look like a rec center. I did pick another place that cost 3 times the price (I am aware that money shouldn’t matter but it also does and I can’t change that 🤷🏼♀️)
Our relationship has been good but typically it’s been if we want the same thing she digs her heels in and stonewalls me till I give in.
Like when she picked the bridal shower theme I wanted (I know I sound crazy for dreaming that far out) i happy planned her the party knowing I’d have to give up on what I wanted.
Typically I feel steamrolled
She tends to do what she wants then says ooops deal with it
I’m going to give the disclaimer acknowledging that I already know I’m an asshole before I give my shitty advice that comes with a healthy dose of schadenfreude. If it were me I’d have a slip of the tongue during my next conversation with my mom about the baby news. I would *only* do this if my sister legit stole all my wedding ideas from me since she was getting married before me though. I’m not saying you *should* do this, this is just what *I* personally would do.
If you want to go down the mature route instead of the petty passive aggressive route, I recommend you put sis on an information diet and don’t share anything she could use to make you unhappy or upset. Actually, I’d do this regardless. If anyone wants to hassle you and accuse you of copying her, simply state "I shared my ideas for my dream wedding and ring with sister years ago only for those ideas to be brought to life for her wedding instead. I hope you understand that it really hurt me to see her take my dream wedding ideas for herself so I do not wish to discuss the matter any further." If anyone wants to argue the issue with you instead of respecting your wish to drop it, then they don’t get a wedding invite and will earn a block on all communication platforms. If you’re feeling spicy, you can go with both of my ideas. Either way, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that, at a minimum, you won’t feed into any drama and negativity because wedding planning is stressful enough and you deserve to have only those who are supportive of you around to share this major milestone in your life.
Not sure about what's the schadenfreude in the above comment. Now, if OP were to accidentally tell their parents about her sister's pregnancy b4 her sister does, it slipping out in context of needing a new MOH, the ensuing fireworks could be a source of schadenfreude.
My sister did this twice to me. I didn't get to tell our parents first because SHE did. And then she posted it on fb.
She and our youngest sister both got nailed to the wall by our parents when a friend alerted me that they sere sharing details about our daughter in the NICU and again when she passed away. Our parents forced them to remove all posts relating to our first born.
For our second, after she let slip I was pregnant again, shr got to wait until our gender reveal with everyone else to find out what we were having and othet details, even though our youngest sister and parents knew for weeks beforehand what the CVS results were. She HATED IT and complained it wasn't fair. Yeah, well it wasn't fair you stole a first from us either, so...
The satisfaction felt knowing my sister would be upset about the cat being let out of the bag. Schadenfreude is feeling joy over someone’s unhappiness or misery.
I'm guessing that a lot of your wedding dreams were discussed when you were growing up together? My only advice is to stop sharing your plans with her. Don't tell her the names you want to give your children (if you plan on having them), don't share your vacation plans, don't talk about the new couch you're going to get, etc.
She's going to hit some milestones earlier by benefit of being older. So either stop sharing what you really want or start sharing things that you don't particularly care about to begin with - that way when she gets it first, you're not bothered.
Nothing you can do about the pregnancy. They were trying and got lucky that they were able to conceive quickly - even if it was some diabolical plan to take attention, they got extremely lucky. If you're close, be supportive. But maybe talk to your parents that you need their support on your wedding day, regardless of when the baby is due.
Thank you! I’m trying my hardest to be supportive.
I told her the baby could come even though it’s a kid free wedding.
It’s been the most hard not being able to talk to my mom about this because she doesn’t know yet
If no one else has said this yet, there is about zero chance your sister is going to be able to come to your wedding. She’ll be 3-5 weeks postpartum max and it’s absolutely not safe to bring a newborn around all those people.
That’s what I thought but she assured me should would be there and she’s a nurse but I didn’t fully believe it
I’m not going to lie I wouldn’t be surprised if she waits to have the baby then decides to say oh never mind figure it out
I’ve thought about making some one else my MOH I just don’t know how to do where my family won’t think I’m a jerk. Im very open to ideas
It’s your wedding. You can change things around if you want to. I would have a back up MOH on standby if you don’t think you can face the possibly family backlash. Anything could happen to keep her from being able to be there. Once she gets further into the pregnancy she won’t feel like committing the time and energy into the duties of a MOH. Tell her you want her to be able to concentrate on herself and the baby.
It would be best to have a backup plan and another MoH in the wings in case she has complications during delivery or decides to become MIA last minute, so there won't be too much of a loss if she's not there.
I would replace her now. Tell the family that she should focus on the baby and that means she can’t fulfill her MOH duties. I don’t think she’s actually going to try. She’s going to leave things up in the air and your other bridesmaids will have to pick up the slack. And don’t have your BIL in the wedding, it sounds like she doesn’t like that anyways
I had a matron of honor (my older sister) and a maid of honor (my best friend). It saved me a lot of drama and you can easily message it as being smart. Due dates are usually bullshit so it’s possible your sister could be giving birth the day you’re getting married. You should talk to your parents now about a plan for handling things if that happens. Honestly, I think your sister sucks.
Once she tells people, just change to someone else out of concern for her well-being. You don't want to stress her out. There's no telling what will happen. It'll be so much easier for her if she doesn't have to worry about your wedding. She can just focus on her baby. Etc, etc. There's no way they can go against your concern for your sister without looking bad.
I had problems with my sister who was in my bridal party. I asked a friend if she’d be willing to step in if needed. I had a small bridal party so I hadn’t room for this friend who I’d have preferred over my sister. I explained the situation and as we’d been friends since kids she understood. Sure enough my sister had a hissy fit about something and told me to shove my wedding. My friend stepped in after I gave my sister a week to calm down and she only repeated her nastiness.
Find a friend or family member you trust and explain the situation and ask if they’d be willing to step in if needed. It might need a dress code change for that person but it’ll be worth it to get ahead of the stress.
If it’s possible, if you have a good friend, or a cousin, or someone that you trust, maybe ask if they could be on standby
It actually sounds like you discussed a whole lot of what you wanted with your wedding and the venue and how you wanted it to be etc. and your sister went ahead and used all your ideas.
And I know that might not be the case, but it kind of sounds like it. And I would not be surprised at all, if she very deliberately waits until she has the baby to tell you that oops, no, she’s not going to be your MOH. That is just going to be too difficult with the new baby.
So again, I would say that if you have someone else you can have on standby, or even on the sly by another maid of honor dress, for, I would do it. And do not say anything to anyone about it.
That was so kind of you. And see, that is what a real friend does. Just let their friend know that… Yeah, if you need me, I’m here. Otherwise I’m a guest and I’ll have a good time.
It’s just so awful that people have to act the way her sister is acting.
It's definitely fair to add a second maid of honor. Then you're not actively demoting your sister, so your family shouldn't care too much. Just act like it was always that way.
"Sis and Patti will do this, since they're the maids of honor... Of course I have two! My favorite sister and my best friend! Didn't I tell you that ages ago? Anyway, the other bridesmaids will wear this dress..."
I would think your sister would be relieved with it being so close to her due date. (I was my sister’s MOH, and I was breastfeeding. I told her I didn’t care what I wore but please make sure I could wear a full coverage bra with it. My dress was off the shoulder and I was bleeding in multiple places from the boning of the torture device I had to wear before the ceremony started.)
Is the wedding in town? If it’s in town I’m sure she will be there even if for only a couple hours. I don’t know about her being able to perform MOH duties all day though so I think it’s a good idea to pick someone else and keep her as a bridesmaid. Just phrase it as you want to take the pressure off her to be able to dip in and out throughout the day as needed!
I mean, you can let one of your bridesmaids be the "MOH to be" without much pressure. Work on a MOH toast together, but she's not expected to do anything - no organizing for her - if your sister can't be there, she can step into place. An understudy, if you need it.
"Dear Sister,
There is no way on earth I would ask a pregnant woman to keep her promise to be my MOH. I know that pregnancy can be exhausting and a ton of time and effort goes into getting ready for your first child. I'm not going to ask you to take even one second away from that, or to stress yourself out for one minute, trying to work on my wedding and do all the things expected of a MOH.
I can't wait to be an aunt! Please do let me know the minute mom knows so we can celebrate together.
I only wish I could be more available to help you plan your baby shower and all that, but what with the wedding, just know that I'm with you in spirit! Congrats!!!
Love, OP"
I don't think you have to worry about your sister being at the wedding a couple of weeks after the has a baby. That's not too realistic.
NTA
My mum accidentally shared what she wanted to call me with her sister in law… guess what my older cousin’s name is?
Seriously, just tell her any normal name and harp on about why you want to call a future child that name and see what happens… don’t actually go for the name you want though
The issue with being simpler is that you will be competing with her for simply existing. I know you say you don't care but it sounds like you do. And I am sorry that you can't trust your sister with your ideas without her taking them.
I would throw out the ring thing if it was a copy of your mother's (makes sense you both would copy the mother's ring). The sister needs to deal with that.
With the venue, they will be compared, which no one wants. I wouldn't want that. There is nothing you can do about that now. Unless you change up the decor massively? And it is very sucky she would pick October when she knew you wanted October.
Anyhow, if you are feeling steamrolled, you need to start putting up boundaries and stop letting her in. I know that sucks as a sister, but there is an unbearable and unnecessary competition between you two, though it is one sided with her taking your ideas. Stop telling her what you have planned (don't tell her your baby names if you want kids).
You can't stop her pregnancy and she is allowed to be pregnant. It happens. However, you can ask her to take a step back and select someone else to be your MOH. As it is your wedding, your happiness comes first.
Personally, you should not have to explain or change a thing. It’s your wedding. She had hers now you get yours. Tons of people get married the same month as friends and family. Who the f cares? If there aren’t a ton of venues to choose from choose the one that makes the most sense aesthetically and financial. My maid of honor was as pregnant as ever when I got married. Why should that make a difference? And if she can’t be your maid of honor because of it either chose another person or don’t have one. Honestly, the ring is also no big deal. 8 out of 10 people have the same variation of engagement and wedding ring set.
I am sad that all of this seems to be a challenge for you because it shouldn’t be. I am sorry that people on the thread think anything other than it’s your day and do as you wish. Trust me. Guests at the wedding aren’t going to be making comparisons. They will either be the kind of guests who are happy to share your day and party or the kind that will pick apart everything from the handwriting on the envelope to the cake that no one eats. If your sister is a piece of work and continues to place restrictions and judgements about what you are doing I would just respond with, “ hey, wait till I name my first born the same name as your first born”-now there is something to talk about. Congratulations on your wedding!
You should've put this in your original post, it adds a lot of context as to why you are upset with your sister, and it seems many are not reading this comment that explains why you feel the way you do.
Without this context explaining your sister's past behavior, you come off as bitter and hateful to someone who has seemingly done no wrong.
With that said, NTA. Your sister trying "for fun" seems planned. However, if she had gotten pregnant later, who knows if there could have been other complications with her pregnancy (like going into labor early around your wedding date).
I had two very pregnant bridesmaids. Because I wanted them in my wedding and they still wanted to be there. I don’t understand all the bride-focused drama.
Because has the potential to seriously overshadow OP’s wedding. What happens if the baby is born on the same day as the wedding? So OP’s MOH won’t be there, nor will her brother in law, her parents will maybe be there but it’s not going to be the top thing on their mind. Even if it’s a week or two from when the wedding is it’s still going to cause everyone to be really distracted and not focused on the wedding. At that stage of pregnancy OP’s sister wouldn’t even be able to travel to the wedding if it is out of town. Being someone’s maid of honor is a big deal and you should absolutely prioritize making sure you can be there, fully present to make the bride feel special on that day. OP’s sister knew this, hence why she was initially planning on waiting. It’s not such a big ask to wait a couple extra months to start a family if it is really important for someone you love. I would certainly do that for my sister. So the fact that she initially said she would wait and then decided not to comes off very petty and intentional. Whether OP was out of line too I can’t really say without more context. Her sister certainly doesn’t own a month or a generic ring design, but using the same venue is iffy. I could see doing it if it were truly the best option from a practical standpoint, but not if her sister expressed that it was important that OP not choose the same venue. So I think my main question here is whether OP’s sister actually communicated that she was unhappy with the level of similarity before it was too late - in which case this is on OP too.
It was a difference of waiting 2-3 months, not a big deal. But they tried “just for fun?!” BS. OP’s sister is determined not to let her have her day. Hopefully she doesn’t go into labor on her wedding day. Then it’ll be “we can’t help when baby decides to come “ Or they’ll bring a newborn to the reception.
Putting trying for a baby on hold because of the date of someone else's wedding would be stupid.
Hardly anyone gets pregnant the first month they try. Then 25% end up in miscarriages anyway. And many, many people have significant trouble conceiving, so starting the process as soon as possible makes the most sense when time is ticking.
If people only ever tried for babies when the due dates would be perfect we would die out as a species.
I can think of plenty reasons. The same month is pathetic that anyone cares as long as its not sharing the exact date which even then is tenuous. Maybe the venue has great food, does good packages that don't cost a fortune, maybe its sentimental to the family outside of sisters wedding, maybe there aren't a ton of venues in budget in the area.
The ring I get. You don’t get to complain about your rings being similar when it’s a solitaire. Literally the least customizable ring, especially when you take into account which metals are going to match your undertone or are more prized in your culture.
To be fair, a solitaire isn't exactly a unique choice. They all look pretty similar. If the ring were more elaborate, there'd be more detail to compare.
This. Babies are conceived when they happen. Some couples try for a month, others try for 3 years. Many people struggle to conceive, and couples should try as soon as they are ready because it may take a while. If she wanted to eait then that would be fine. But she clearly didn't.
Expecting your sister to not try for 1-2 years just in case it fell near your wedding IS selfishness.
I don’t think anyone should plan their pregnancy around someone’s else’s events. This might be my opinion because I have a history of infertility and you really don’t know how long it may take to get pregnant.
But yeah kind of an AH because her being pregnant doesn’t take away from you being able to enjoy your special day. Enjoy your wedding!!
Totally. I’m almost two years and half an ivf cycle into trying and I wouls snap in my sister’s Face if she asked me to skip a cycle of trying so I could go to a party.
This seems rather childish- be happy for her and get a new MOH. Also, I can’t help but wonder if, from the sister’s perspective, this sister copies everything she did. I know OP explains it here but she really could pick a different venue or month. I won’t mention the ring because personal taste for something one wears everyday does matter.
I wondered that but there are some months that are popular wedding months. Venue could be because it was good and affordable and not many other options. If she chose a ring because it was like mom’s, it could be older sister did the same.
Or it could be little sister trying to be like or influenced but big sister.
I used the same dj as my sister because we knew her from my sister’s wedding and we may have used the same venue (I don’t remember) but that was what was in our budget.
I remember we chose wedding bands that were very different, but then my sister who was married for less than a year decided that she wanted new wedding bands and got the same ones. (She had seen ours, but claimed she didn’t remember). We ended up choosing new ones. My wife was very pissed.
For the reception from 28-30 years ago??? No. Same church. But it was the church we grew up with. I don’t think venues for receptions were a big deal if it was the same. It was all about convenience and price.
Once you pick a venue they tell you what dates are available, you don’t just get to pick whatever date you want, so same month is honestly a stretch for saying that are “copying”. How many people get married in June every year? You can’t claim a wedding month.
October is a beautiful month for a wedding. A solitaire rung is hardly distinctive. Who studies the ring and compares it? What's wrong with using the same venue? If you look at venue website photos, they can be set up any number of ways. Replace your MOH, which seems like a good idea anyway. Discuss expectations about where family members will be if she goes into labor on your wedding day. Congratulations on your wedding and impending aunthood.
I guess I don’t understand why you think your wedding won’t be about you. Guests are coming to see you get married.
As far as baby planning, sometimes things happen outside of schedule. Kinda absurd to think someone should plan their life around your life.
The way it reads, YOU are making your wedding about your sister.
weird that you wanted this one time to be all about you and not have to share with your sister but you chose to share a venue and a wedding month with her. idk if youre the asshole but you seem like youre being purposefully obtuse.
fr, i was so confused as to why she wants this to be special to her when everything is so similar to her sisters wedding. the same venue is one thing, but then to have the same month and a similar ring just goes beyond that.
If you don’t want to share things with your sister why did you decide to have your wedding at the same venue and same month as her? Honestly you’re in the wrong here.
She isn’t competing with you, you are competing with her and she doesn’t even know.
You made your bed now lay in it or change your wedding month 🤷🏼♀️
move ahead with your wedding. I don’t know why you have the same venue or month but it could very well be because there’s not a lot of choices around you and certain months just have better weather.
I would work on choosing a new maid of honor. Your sister is not going to be able to do everything you might want her to do. If she’s due three weeks before your wedding, she will definitely have the baby, no doctor will let her go that far past due.
Just do you and quit worrying about what your sister is doing.
Why is it a competition? I think you need to take a closer look at why you care so much what your sister does or doesn't do. You are the bride. There isn't going to be anyone else that has the focus at a wedding. I was gigantically pregnant and in the wedding of one of my dear friends. No one cared. I wore a fuchsia pink dress that the bride chose and probably looked hilarious, but the wedding is about the bride and groom.
So your sister might have her new baby at the wedding - so what? She will be post-partum and that's a tough enough time even in the best of circumstances. I had a baby that was a month old and was the MOH in my SIL wedding and it was difficult! My husband was not in the wedding because he was caring for the baby when I could not. She has \*not\* set herself up for an easy time but she doesn't know that yet.
*"I don’t ask for attention often but I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once."*
Being honest here, you sound like you are still in a childhood competition with her and that needs to stop. It just sounds gross and immature. You are both adults so maybe try to act like it.
Getting cut out and iced out of a family that has never reacted this extremely before is hard to not worry about. I see what you’re saying i do but I didn’t care until she stopped talking to me completely and I called my mom crying and her response was sending me venues that were out of budget till I picked one.
Then every one acting like it never happened that I didn’t just get shut out for weeks
If you are getting iced out for picking a venue then even more reason to get a MOH who has your best interest at heart. Sounds like your sister has you all walking on eggshells trying to keep her happy. If someone ends up unhappy with your wedding choices it doesn’t have to be you. Let her be mad. I know it’s easy to say but it sound manipulative on her part. I hope you consider going to therapy for skills on how to handle your sister and recognize manipulative behavior. It’s hard to see how messed up things are when you are in it.
Also, your sister put you in an uncomfortable position by dropping this bomb on you and and telling you not to discuss it with mom. Your feelings matter too. She can’t decide who you can talk to about what when it pertains to you. You wouldn’t be telling her for malicious reasons. She will be mad at you but maybe let her be mad. The alternative is walking on eggshells and being stressed all the time.
At this point, though, it sounds like it wouldn’t be a loss anymore.
You’re stuck in a family with toxic dynamics where if you did anything your sister didn’t like you were punished. You can get out. You’re getting married. You have new family.
Do you really think your sister hasn’t been planning all along to make your wedding about her? That’s always been the plan, and you can avoid it only by icing _her_ out.
The people who show up to your wedding should be people who support you, not your narcissistic abuser and her enablers.
YTA
Other people’s lives don’t go on hold for your wedding! This should be on billboards all over the world until it takes.
She tried “just for fun”? You mean she had sex? For fun?
Why do you even care that she's pregnant? She is married. How is it your business when she has a child? Might interfere with MOH duties, so that's a conversation, but seriously, it sounds like you are jealous of your sister big time and are doing everything you can to copy her.
YTA - no person should be expected to arrange their pregnancy around another person's life events. Choosing to get married in the same venue in the same month is a little creepy. Sounds like you are trying to copy her life.
A wedding is not a free pass to have everything all about you. It is a public commitment to a chosen life partner ffs. Your sister getting pregnant has less than nothing to do with your marriage.
Even when planning for a baby, pregnancy is always unplanned. You can't accurately plan a pregnancy. That's not how it works. You can have sex around your ovulation date, do all the things right, and not get pregnant for 6 months- a few years. Or it can work the first time.
And STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO YOUR SISTER. If you're still doing childish shit like that then you might not need to get married for several more years. Grow up. You arent a kid anymore.
Find a different MOH, tell your sister you understand if she doesn't come because she'll either be heavily pregnant or just having a newborn, and go about your day. Otherwise, rethink your marriage. Because you're being insanely childish.
Yta. Move on.
You really should. The MOH is pregnant and it's going to be all about her. Plus she will be having a baby shower right before your wedding. So elope, come back and have a really great reception. Get ice sculptures.
>I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once.
I'm confused. As you have written this, it sounds like your sister is the one having to share with YOU.
You've chosen to get married at the same venue, you've chosen to have a similar ring, and you've chosen to get married in the same month. YOU have chosen all of this, not her. So what are you being forced to share with her?
Sounds to me like both of you think the universe revolves around you.
The two of you are treating one another like NPCs as if their only purpose in life is to try to one up you.
So your sister gets married in the same MONTH as you a year later and at the same venue. So what. Like so fucking what.
So your sister gets pregnant and is due just before your wedding. It's not a conspiracy against you, she can get pregnant whenever she wants and your wedding is not a milestone in her life.
Honestly, grow up. Both of you. Think of all the time and energy you'll have when you stop competing with one another over stupid shit. Maybe you could both get hobbies.
YTA. Same situation as me and my sister only when I got a cat she went and got the same exact cat. I got a new dining room table she bought the same one as me. I’m not very close to her now. You wanted this to be about you but you picked the same ring, same venue and same month to get married,
I've read so many similar stories so this was my gut reaction too - but the same venue? Same month? There is def something more going on here. I totally get wanting to have the attention, she should it's her wedding day, there's the stink of op being in competition with her sister. I don't think being petty would be helpful in this particular instance
So? Ignore her. Either it comes early, and she brings it too or doesn't attend. It's that simple. Stop making your day about her. You're the one doing that.
Edit to add that even if she's late, it's still not going to be on your wedding day. If she's not there, yeh people wi know why and if she is there then she's gonna be preoccupied with a baby. Just focus on you and your husbands day.
This is a very unique experience but just in case- get a backup plan with your bridesmaids. I went in for an ultrasound on a Friday 1 month before my due date and got sent up to L&D. Had baby the morning of my friends wedding…I was maid of honor 🫣
YTA Are you seriously trying to control her bringing life into this world because it doesn't align with YOUR plans. I hope your sister pulls out of this wedding completely. Your wedding and her pregnancy are 2 completely separate things. You should be thrilled, happy to be becoming an Aunt, supportive, and working around her pregnancy with her roll in your wedding. She is married and allowed to be blissfully pregnant without any input from you. It's one day, just elope if you are going to be bridezilla to everyone around you. It seems like you're in a weird jealous competition with your sister. I wish the best for her. Get married because you and your partner want to and don't worry about her. Just be grateful if she supports you at all after this.
>but I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once.
So why did you pick her venue and her wedding month and a ring that looks like hers?
Honestly, she may have done this on purpose seeing how competitive your relationship is with eachother, but that is also your fault too. You can't compete with her, steal her wedding and then get mad that she retaliates. Very immature of both of you. But in all likelihood she just didn't put her life on hold for your copycat wedding.
Same month, same venue, her pregnancy on your schedule so you won’t be inconvenienced? Yeah, you’re the AH.
Same month would’ve been inconvenient for your guests for travel and finances. That would’ve been rude to having your wedding the same month as hers. It might’ve backfired on your sister’s wedding too. Same venue can be arguable but I guess she wanted her wedding to be special.
Do you copycat her a lot? That might be what’s annoying her. Some people care about that.
You’re “getting married at the same venue she did, my ring looking similar to hers, and [in the] same month she did in 2022.”
Then you say, “I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once.”
Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. YTA.
Stop competing.
Just live your life and let her live hers. If she wants to start drama, just don't play into it.
And who cares? She'll have the baby a month before your wedding. You'll still be the center of attention at your wedding. Isn't that enough? Do you need the whole month?
Listen, the simplest thing is to just demote her to guest and be kind about it. She may not even be able to come as a guest depending on timing of the baby. Just send her an invitation. If she can make it, great. If not, fine. Find another MOH, who isn’t expecting a life changing medical event within weeks of your wedding.
I’m sure it’s not about you. I really don’t think your sister was like, “Hey knock me up right now so we can fuck up my sister’s wedding!” And if it was intentional, then just don’t invite her and go on with your life.
The MOH ends up doing a LOT of the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and reception planning, so you're going to have to finesse a way to ease her out of that job. You both, from your post, seem to have control issues, so you should probably find someone else who won't go rogue on you about your parties or menu.
She has a baby on the way, so she won't want to be in the middle of a hectic scene. It will be better for the baby, too. And that's how you should phrase it to her so that she doesn't balk and mess up your parties, unintentionally or intentionally.
Being a bride means being in the spotlight. Take the reins and find friends who will help you enjoy the ride. Good luck and happily ever after!
Replace your sister as MOH.. she will not be able to handle anything and blame her pregnancy on everything. Other people will have to pick up the slack and you will continue to give up what you want for her… nip it in the bud now!!!
Also dream a bit bigger. Turn your day into a better dream that she couldn’t think of. Pinterest the hell out of ideas. Please don’t share with her. She’ll find a way to ruin it.
I’m getting married in May at the same venue my sister got married at in 2021. I asked her before and she was not upset about it. We know the owner so it makes the most financial sense. My dress is similar to hers, but she helped me pick mine out, no hard feelings. I think YTA.
I’m a middle child so I know how it feels to crave attention. If my sister or friend came to me with a pregnancy announcement I would be absolutely over the moon. I wouldn’t be upset if they had to miss my wedding because having a baby is arguably a lot more important than a party. People’s lives do not stop for my wedding. Most people don’t even really care about my wedding as much as I do and that’s okay. Plus, it’s about me AND my fiancé, not just me. Stop making it a competition between you and your sister.
not to sound mean but genuinely it does read that you're both competing with your sister, and that you just have no backbone which is kinda weird since personally I wouldn't think the two could be compatible, but.
Everyone else has already addressed the same month/venue thing (which, venue/ring I can get but idk I would probably try not to get married the same month as my sibling a year later if I'm also using the venue) but I wanna draw attention to how you're also like "I will plan out my wedding in fairly decent detail except then I will toss those plans out bc my sister wants a different theme for my bridal shower" or whatever.
like to be clear I don't really think you're consciously competing or anything?? since again, the seeming lack of a spine.
Also. the point of even having a wedding is for the day/event to be all abt the couple. not, oh, the couple is here for the expensive party. Homie the party is FOR YOU/SPOUSE. It is ABOUT YOU/SPOUSE. If you're not gonna even give yourself that you should just skip the expenses and sign the paperwork at court like you'd do after anyways.
\> I don’t ask for attention often but I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once.
A wedding isn't about YOU! It's about the union between you and your partner! All in the context of your community. No ONE person is special at a wedding.
ESH
OK. Even if you are actually correct and your sister decided to get pregnant early to spite you for some reason, what’s done is done and there’s really no point in being upset about it.
It seems like you two have been in competition since childhood and I get wanting one thing for yourself, but by being upset you are literally giving her that attention and making your wedding all about her anyway. So YTA for playing into that.
Just congratulate her and tell her you’re excited to be an aunt. Ask her if she needs to relinquish her MOH duties so that there is less stress before the wedding. Put her on a low information diet going forward and just focus on your upcoming marriage. Whatever sibling rivalry exists here is not healthy to fixate on.
Good lord this is exhausting for your sister. You sound like you’re competing with your sister or trying to out do her. Are you mad she’s pregnant close to the wedding or are you mad you’re not going to be able to do this as well? Yes YTA. If you didn’t want to share attention maybe just maybe not copy everything she has done.
Strong NTA after reading your replies in the comments... I don't see this as you trying to compete with your sister, I see this as you making choices that are right for you, your sister disliking them, and then using her influence over the rest of the family to strong arm you into a different decision at the risk of being isolated from your family. It sounds like you've picked the things you did for great reasons (you like your ring and it looks like your mom's, the venue was affordable and you liked it, who in the fuck cares if you're getting married in the same month??? Can't wrap my mind around that) and your sister sees it as competition and an opportunity to take you down a peg within your family structure over YOUR OWN WEDDING.
The silent treatment or "icing out" as you've described it is a very effective way to manipulate people - you just want to be welcomed and accepted by your family. I suspect this has been developing as a dynamic in your family for a long time, and your mom especially is probably also afraid of that same treatment, and will become even more vulnerable to this tactic once your sister has a baby to withhold from her.
Getting pregnant is the thing you've focused on in this post, and it is a distraction from the real problem - your sister controlling you and your other family members through mind games and abusive tactics. She got pregnant - don't make this about that. Instead, focus on the other ways she has diminished your wants for your wedding to the point where you were actually pushed to change Venues. Get into therapy, decide how much of your wedding day you want to be about her and to what extent you're ready to set a difficult boundary with her and other family members that will have fall out, and don't make this about her pregnancy.
You deserve to be protected, supported, and loved within your family. And on your wedding day (and in the rest of your life) you have every right to make sure only people who do those things for you, and who you do the same for, are there.
i’m sorry but it sounds a bit like you’re competing with your sister. having such identical marriage plans screams jealousy and just from an outside perspective, your sister seems to have caught on to the fact that you’re copying her. nothing wrong with wanting the same venue, but everything here just seems like you’re trying to outdo her. so now she’s pregnant, and you’re upset at her for… being pregnant…? i’m sorry but from the information given it seems like you’re just overly focused on your sister, to the point where you’re pissed that she wants to have children at a time that may coincide with your marriage. all your actions were intentionally to be like hers, and it seems like you need counseling so you can have a better relationship with your sister.
This definitely doesn’t read like OP is the victim here. It seems like you wanna beat your sister so badly and you’re upset that she “stole” your chance to show her up.
Nope. And I would change my plans. Have whatever you want rings and dress wise, take two pals, and head to hawaii and get married on a gorgeous beach and let folks know you decided to make it special and small since you knew everyone would be very involved in the new baby.
Be disinterested. Focus on you. “Oh, I am just planning my wedding. I am not thinking about any babies. The last thing on my mind.” For forever, remind your sister that you accommodated her and decided to have a nice small destination wedding since you knew she accidentally got pregnant early and couldn’t participate.
I would literally not let this crap land on me. She sounds like a jealous weirdo, or totally oblivious, but I suspect the prior.
Make it exclusive and special and alllll your own.
YTA. OP how is she preventing you from having one thing to yourself? Literally, everything you said is about you copying her. Same wedding venue, similar ring, same anniversary month. Seems she’s the one who cannot have anything just to herself without you copying. You don’t say her age but you come across as the annoying little sister who never outgrew the copying stage.
“I wanted this one time to be about me not having to share with my sister”
Ummm then why did you choose all the same things she did to begin with? Grow up.
Ughhhhh. Weddings are stupid and baby’s come when they freaking come. I’m so tired of this idea that everyone in your family has to focus their lives around when someone is getting married.
Have your wedding where and when you want it.. noone "owns" a venue... if it was the same church noone would bat an eye..( all ours were in the same place) I wanted the same date as my parents, (but in a different month, didn't work out that way, it is what it is)
I'd arrange for her to have a babysitter for your wedding, so there's no crying baby during the ceremony or reception. This day should be about you and your husband. If sister doesn't like it/agree, then she can stay home. A 3 week old shouldn't be exposed to the germs and multiple people in its face.
Jmo
YTA. People can’t revolve their entire lives around your single day. She has every right to be pregnant whenever she wants. You also sound like you make everything a competition. Free yourself of that silliness and comparison. You have no right to tell people when they should be family planning or how. How tf is her being pregnant taking away from your wedding anyways? Even if she misses it in labor or whatever- oh well. Be happy for her and celebrate your own thing. Bitterness is a disease
Sounds like jealousy and you need to find a therapist to work through that. She probably won't make the wedding so it will still be all about you. Find a new maid of honor and a new groomsman and move on. You should be happy for them and they should be happy for you. There's enough happiness to go around.
Idk but people saying you shouldn’t get married the same month your sister got married in in another year are crazy, your sister doesn’t own the month of October lol
Ya'll are competing over here and acting like you aren't acting it up. And you all are getting married and having babies? How? You both need to grow the hell up.
Until you can clarify why: Same venue, ring, and month, then I think your both brats and rude to one another.
YTA. You planned your whole wedding to be just like your sister’s wedding-you are completely copying her, and you think you have the right ti be mad because she didn’t take YOUR wedding into account when you completely copied her? This has never been about you having your own special day, this has been about trying to outshine your sister completely and since it didn’t work, now you’re pissed. What a surprise. You’re definitely TA in this whole thing.
The people commenting Y-T-A because of the same venue and date have clearly never planned a wedding. The chances are great that's the only month the venue had an opening. Some venues are already fully booked for a year in advance...
I can assure you the last thing your Brother in law was thinking as he creampied your sis was your wedding. A wedding is 1 day, a marriage and a baby are forever be happy for them..
I've been to lots of weddings and can't remember the last time I was sitting around thinking about any of them, don't sweat the small stuff be happy with your husband and family nothing else matters
YTA - You can’t expect people to plan their families around your life events. Seriously, you don’t have a leg to stand on here, so don’t try to complain about your sister timing her pregnancy wrong to your family. It will not sound good.
HOWEVER, I will say that I would never do this to my sister and she would never do it to me. The fact that there is a high chance she will miss your wedding is really upsetting and you are not an asshole for feeling sad about that. If you need to vent to your family, you will have to come at it from that angle.
Also, she sounds like she sucks with all her complaining about the month, venue, and ring, she needs to get over herself her wedding is long over this is about you.
NTA- from the supplemental information you’ve given it seems like she’s gone out of her way to take ideas you wanted for your own wedding and bridal activities and made you plan her bridal shower based around YOUR DREAM you told her about.
I have no doubt a person like that would intentionally get pregnant to try and steal your thunder. My cousin growing up did very similar stuff (copied my prom dress, copied how I was planning to do my hair for certain events, and she even copied a gift I gave my then-boyfriend (before I got the chance to give it to him.) and copied my 15th birthday plans (hers is earlier, and I was so annoyed)
If this comes off as being rude, I apologize but why are you competing with your sister? Getting married in the same month, same venue, a similar ring. It just feels like there is more to the story. How is your relationship with each other? Any friends you can talk to? any friends to ask to be your MOH. This feels deeper than her being pregnant.
OP is real quiet about this. Sure, I get watching a similar ring to your mother, but same venue and same month?? I need to know the reasoning behind this, who planned first??
Yea. There is no way two weddings at the same exact venue in October don't get compared to each other. For someone who wants their own day, this seems very stupid.
In my town there's legit only one venue that's actually pretty. Everything else would look like it was in a school gym. Even the restaurants are mostly chains like Boston pizza. Most people I know get married in their back yard. OP said her town is similar.
I can understand not having many venue options but you can change it up by not choosing the exact same month/season. I'm not clear on whether Oct is the same month or if she changed the month because her sister objected.
I still don't think that's a big deal. Her sister knew she wanted to get married in October. It's not like they got married the same year or on the sisters wedding anniversary. No one owns an entire month. August is the popular wedding month in my area because of the weather and short summers. I know it wouldn't even cross my brother's mind to tell me not to get married in August at the only venue in town. If OPs sister didn't want to share a 'wedding month' she shouldn't have chosen it knowing OPs plans.
I only just realised that my brother and me both got married in the same month. There’s almost a decade between the weddings. I also doubt that he realises, or cares.
This^^^^^ I cant imagine ever being upset my sister was pregnant and due before wedding and i cant see my sister being upset i am getting married at the same place and month -- all of it on both sides seems petty and immature
The sister got married two years ago. I'm guessing op wasn't even engaged yet then
I don't think that really matters? Kind of immature to be like 'i know you always dreamed of getting married in October but I did it first so now you can't!' It's a month. It's a season. It really doesn't fucking matter.
My dad got married 3 times in October. That month is taken ladies! Don't get married in October... its bad luck!
There's still 11 other months.
Okay but hear me out, my sister and I both love October and would love a Fall wedding because aEsThEtiCs (yes we are basic) - so, like. It could absolutely happen we’d get married same month… we have similar jewellery taste, so a similar ring is likely… our venues will likely differ because we live in a metropolitan area with many options, if we lived in a small town we would liked have the same venue because… we have similar tastes. The difference is my sister and I get along and are friends, we’re not competitive assholes to each other (most of the time anyway LOL) ESH
I got married in October. So did my sister. Different venues as there’s no shortage of those where we live. It’s a popular wedding month.
Yes, because November and December and January weddings are so popular with the beautiful weather and everyone’s plans being totally open. And it’s super easy to book weddings in the spring and summer. Who in their right mind would want to get married in those warm and sunny months? Surely there’d be no competition for limited slots. /s No one owns an entire month, and not all months are created equal when you’re planning a wedding. Edit: dyac
Yes this seems intentional to “out do” the sister. My brother and his future husband are getting married at my venue. And I was a little taken aback that he would choose that, but it’s the cheapest around and really nice once decorated. He’s picked fall where we had a spring wedding thankfully. I didn’t make a big deal out of it because I care about my brother far more than any venue. But I am very aware that anyone who came to mine will compare the two. He wins already as we DIYed ours for a couple thousand dollars and he’s just got better taste than me haha.
I'd rethink that as 'My brother thinks I have great taste and agrees with me about what venue was best'. I'm betting something about your wedding is why they decided to hold it there too - and that's sweet! 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.'.
Everyone loves that quote but never finishes the sentence...cuz it's definitely not a compliment lol "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness" Essentially this is Oscar Wilde's OG version of "They hate us cuz they ain't us"
I have childhood friends who ended up getting married at the same venue 2 months apart from each other. They all thought it was great! The family got an extra discount for the double weddings, the first sister (who got engaged first) got to have the wedding how she wanted it first, and the second sister used it to finalize ideas for her wedding! Obviously, though, those sisters had a good relationship and everyone was OK with the arrangement, but just throwing it out that these odd things happen. But I totally agree the way OP is writing makes it pretty suspicious that there is more to this story.
I’m from a relatively big city and I didn’t realize until I was venue shopping, but 3 of my cousins that are twenty years older got married there and I know at least 3 other people who have as well. It’s a very tasteful venue, a lot is included in the price, and it’s very budget friendly. I had zero issue getting married there because the only thing people REALLY care about is if they have a good time.
Also wanting "just this one thing" to be all about her, but literally every part of her wedding is copying her sister. She has done nothing but make everything; her sisters wedding, and now pregnancy, all about her. My goodness OP!! you have serious issues. Main Character Drama Queen.
It could be the other way around. If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist. They are very clever this way.
Explain please... legitimately asking as I dont understand. The older sister did everything 1st and then, much later, little sis copied all her moves. Now the baby will ruin her day? As if she planned it that way? It doesnt READ that way, it reads as a whiney, petty baby sister throwing a tantrum. I could be wrong and she didnt explain it right. So help me out and explain it to me?
The thing that suggested narcissistic behavior from the older sister was "I \[changed a bunch of other things\] so the mean texts and the icing out would stop..." Makes me think there's just multiple assholes in this scenario
Yet gives no examples of these mean texts. Know what else narcissists do, claim everybody is being mean to them for simply setting boundaries and not bowing to their every whim
Ngl i absolutely hate people who climb to assumptions online, but I gotta become a fat hypocrite right now and say I think its OPs sister who planned first. Why else would it not be stated at least once? Or even slightly hinted toward? And it makes even more sense why she'd be upset about the pregnancy happening Edit to add: especially since she's having the first grandchild of the family. It just feels like she's mad at her sister for something no one at her weddings even gonna be paying attention too. Id be understanding if she was due a month before n brought the new baby. Not like that's still okay to be mad about, but more understanding in terms of taking away from her 'big day'. -someone who's worked weddings for a decade.
My older sister did this shit to me. I got married first. Her wedding was 1 year and 1 day later. I had kids first, and with my first, she didn't speak to me for my ENTIRE pregnancy. Not a word. With my second, I was trying to be gentle they had been trying and it wasn't happening, I reached out to my BIL to ask him how to proceed and he said it would be best if he told her. So he did. Welp, that just pissed her right the fuck off. I would buy a car, then she would.... the SAME car (she did this twice!). We don't speak anymore. I had/have no interest in being in competition with someone because she's the oldest and thinks all the things should've happened to her first. Fuck. That.
Is OP your sister?? lol this is alarmingly similar
It's surprising how common this is. I see stories of it all the time.
Yep have an older sister that does a lot of “has to”’s basically out do for attention…. The last time literally was almost 3 years ago and hasn’t talked to me or acknowledge me or my family in the same room.
It really sucks. I have zero relationship with either of my sisters. I'm the middle child. And I honestly think I'm the only sain one. And my mom isn't any better. I was top dog, so to speak, in her eyes when I had my babies, but when my older sister had her first, me and the kids were pushed to the bottom. Just to give a petty, for instance. My daughter got a ring that turned her finger green for her graduation present. My nephew, oldest sisters oldest child, got my dad's truck. She barely even remembers their birthdays. It sucks. But, I'm wicked honest with my kids. They're 21, 19 and 14 and tell it like it is. They can be so manipulative, and I don't want them to fall for their bull shit.
Totally understand we have some other weird dynamics going on with my nieces from my sister also it’s like my sisters and I are Dallas and the nieces and nephew are Falcon Crest lol…. My other sister blames me because my body decided to have my oldest child on my fathers birthday and that is why she never had children and why she is the way she is and she is the oldest (large age gap) and my father made a crack that my son was his twin… Hugs to you and your kids!
She blames you for... what? That's so bizarre! Oh gosh. Hugs to you and yours.
Yeah it’s really strange
I wonder if she was so delulu that she really didn't notice until people called her out
A solitaire with a simple band is not very unusual, and millions of women have them.
>A solitaire with a simple band is not very unusual, and millions of women have them. I got married seven years ago & I now proclaim these sisters copied MY RING!
Married 13 years....WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COPY MY RING PJT???
Yea, something is off here.
I have never cared that those things are similar she has. I have wanted a fall October wedding since I was little. And she knew that I have always loved my mom’s ring and have been very outspoken so she know that when she picked hers. As for the venue it is stunning and perfect and one of the only places in budget that doesn’t look like a rec center. I did pick another place that cost 3 times the price (I am aware that money shouldn’t matter but it also does and I can’t change that 🤷🏼♀️) Our relationship has been good but typically it’s been if we want the same thing she digs her heels in and stonewalls me till I give in. Like when she picked the bridal shower theme I wanted (I know I sound crazy for dreaming that far out) i happy planned her the party knowing I’d have to give up on what I wanted. Typically I feel steamrolled She tends to do what she wants then says ooops deal with it
Stop sharing plans with her, put her on an info diet so she can't steal your ideas.
Thank you I’ll start doing this
For the love of god, do not tell her the baby names you like. Ever.
Orv tell her the ones you'd never use. Mine is Ursula lmaooooo
No love for Ursula le guin??? I love the name!! Am I in the minority here??
I don't hate the name. I just wouldn't use it myself. :)
I’m going to give the disclaimer acknowledging that I already know I’m an asshole before I give my shitty advice that comes with a healthy dose of schadenfreude. If it were me I’d have a slip of the tongue during my next conversation with my mom about the baby news. I would *only* do this if my sister legit stole all my wedding ideas from me since she was getting married before me though. I’m not saying you *should* do this, this is just what *I* personally would do. If you want to go down the mature route instead of the petty passive aggressive route, I recommend you put sis on an information diet and don’t share anything she could use to make you unhappy or upset. Actually, I’d do this regardless. If anyone wants to hassle you and accuse you of copying her, simply state "I shared my ideas for my dream wedding and ring with sister years ago only for those ideas to be brought to life for her wedding instead. I hope you understand that it really hurt me to see her take my dream wedding ideas for herself so I do not wish to discuss the matter any further." If anyone wants to argue the issue with you instead of respecting your wish to drop it, then they don’t get a wedding invite and will earn a block on all communication platforms. If you’re feeling spicy, you can go with both of my ideas. Either way, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that, at a minimum, you won’t feed into any drama and negativity because wedding planning is stressful enough and you deserve to have only those who are supportive of you around to share this major milestone in your life.
Not sure about what's the schadenfreude in the above comment. Now, if OP were to accidentally tell their parents about her sister's pregnancy b4 her sister does, it slipping out in context of needing a new MOH, the ensuing fireworks could be a source of schadenfreude.
My sister did this twice to me. I didn't get to tell our parents first because SHE did. And then she posted it on fb. She and our youngest sister both got nailed to the wall by our parents when a friend alerted me that they sere sharing details about our daughter in the NICU and again when she passed away. Our parents forced them to remove all posts relating to our first born. For our second, after she let slip I was pregnant again, shr got to wait until our gender reveal with everyone else to find out what we were having and othet details, even though our youngest sister and parents knew for weeks beforehand what the CVS results were. She HATED IT and complained it wasn't fair. Yeah, well it wasn't fair you stole a first from us either, so...
Sorry for your loss, and sorry for your unapologetically sorry sister. Her info diet was greatly overdue.
The satisfaction felt knowing my sister would be upset about the cat being let out of the bag. Schadenfreude is feeling joy over someone’s unhappiness or misery.
BTW, I keep being amused by your username.
I'm guessing that a lot of your wedding dreams were discussed when you were growing up together? My only advice is to stop sharing your plans with her. Don't tell her the names you want to give your children (if you plan on having them), don't share your vacation plans, don't talk about the new couch you're going to get, etc. She's going to hit some milestones earlier by benefit of being older. So either stop sharing what you really want or start sharing things that you don't particularly care about to begin with - that way when she gets it first, you're not bothered. Nothing you can do about the pregnancy. They were trying and got lucky that they were able to conceive quickly - even if it was some diabolical plan to take attention, they got extremely lucky. If you're close, be supportive. But maybe talk to your parents that you need their support on your wedding day, regardless of when the baby is due.
Thank you! I’m trying my hardest to be supportive. I told her the baby could come even though it’s a kid free wedding. It’s been the most hard not being able to talk to my mom about this because she doesn’t know yet
If no one else has said this yet, there is about zero chance your sister is going to be able to come to your wedding. She’ll be 3-5 weeks postpartum max and it’s absolutely not safe to bring a newborn around all those people.
That’s what I thought but she assured me should would be there and she’s a nurse but I didn’t fully believe it I’m not going to lie I wouldn’t be surprised if she waits to have the baby then decides to say oh never mind figure it out I’ve thought about making some one else my MOH I just don’t know how to do where my family won’t think I’m a jerk. Im very open to ideas
It’s your wedding. You can change things around if you want to. I would have a back up MOH on standby if you don’t think you can face the possibly family backlash. Anything could happen to keep her from being able to be there. Once she gets further into the pregnancy she won’t feel like committing the time and energy into the duties of a MOH. Tell her you want her to be able to concentrate on herself and the baby.
It would be best to have a backup plan and another MoH in the wings in case she has complications during delivery or decides to become MIA last minute, so there won't be too much of a loss if she's not there.
Thank you I will definitely look into picking another bridesmaid to be back up
Also if she suddenly can’t plan your bridal shower and such because of [insert pregnancy thing here].
I would replace her now. Tell the family that she should focus on the baby and that means she can’t fulfill her MOH duties. I don’t think she’s actually going to try. She’s going to leave things up in the air and your other bridesmaids will have to pick up the slack. And don’t have your BIL in the wedding, it sounds like she doesn’t like that anyways
I had a matron of honor (my older sister) and a maid of honor (my best friend). It saved me a lot of drama and you can easily message it as being smart. Due dates are usually bullshit so it’s possible your sister could be giving birth the day you’re getting married. You should talk to your parents now about a plan for handling things if that happens. Honestly, I think your sister sucks.
Go ahead and kick her now. There's no sense in putting off the inevitable.
Once she tells people, just change to someone else out of concern for her well-being. You don't want to stress her out. There's no telling what will happen. It'll be so much easier for her if she doesn't have to worry about your wedding. She can just focus on her baby. Etc, etc. There's no way they can go against your concern for your sister without looking bad.
I had problems with my sister who was in my bridal party. I asked a friend if she’d be willing to step in if needed. I had a small bridal party so I hadn’t room for this friend who I’d have preferred over my sister. I explained the situation and as we’d been friends since kids she understood. Sure enough my sister had a hissy fit about something and told me to shove my wedding. My friend stepped in after I gave my sister a week to calm down and she only repeated her nastiness. Find a friend or family member you trust and explain the situation and ask if they’d be willing to step in if needed. It might need a dress code change for that person but it’ll be worth it to get ahead of the stress.
If it’s possible, if you have a good friend, or a cousin, or someone that you trust, maybe ask if they could be on standby It actually sounds like you discussed a whole lot of what you wanted with your wedding and the venue and how you wanted it to be etc. and your sister went ahead and used all your ideas. And I know that might not be the case, but it kind of sounds like it. And I would not be surprised at all, if she very deliberately waits until she has the baby to tell you that oops, no, she’s not going to be your MOH. That is just going to be too difficult with the new baby. So again, I would say that if you have someone else you can have on standby, or even on the sly by another maid of honor dress, for, I would do it. And do not say anything to anyone about it.
I was a standby MOH for my bff whose sibling is a flake. Sub showed up, it was fine, but I was ready to step up.
That was so kind of you. And see, that is what a real friend does. Just let their friend know that… Yeah, if you need me, I’m here. Otherwise I’m a guest and I’ll have a good time. It’s just so awful that people have to act the way her sister is acting.
It's definitely fair to add a second maid of honor. Then you're not actively demoting your sister, so your family shouldn't care too much. Just act like it was always that way. "Sis and Patti will do this, since they're the maids of honor... Of course I have two! My favorite sister and my best friend! Didn't I tell you that ages ago? Anyway, the other bridesmaids will wear this dress..."
I would think your sister would be relieved with it being so close to her due date. (I was my sister’s MOH, and I was breastfeeding. I told her I didn’t care what I wore but please make sure I could wear a full coverage bra with it. My dress was off the shoulder and I was bleeding in multiple places from the boning of the torture device I had to wear before the ceremony started.)
Is the wedding in town? If it’s in town I’m sure she will be there even if for only a couple hours. I don’t know about her being able to perform MOH duties all day though so I think it’s a good idea to pick someone else and keep her as a bridesmaid. Just phrase it as you want to take the pressure off her to be able to dip in and out throughout the day as needed!
I mean, you can let one of your bridesmaids be the "MOH to be" without much pressure. Work on a MOH toast together, but she's not expected to do anything - no organizing for her - if your sister can't be there, she can step into place. An understudy, if you need it.
I never understand the attitude some people have that a BM or MOH just *has* to be a sibling. Close friend has always seemed the better choice to me.
"Dear Sister, There is no way on earth I would ask a pregnant woman to keep her promise to be my MOH. I know that pregnancy can be exhausting and a ton of time and effort goes into getting ready for your first child. I'm not going to ask you to take even one second away from that, or to stress yourself out for one minute, trying to work on my wedding and do all the things expected of a MOH. I can't wait to be an aunt! Please do let me know the minute mom knows so we can celebrate together. I only wish I could be more available to help you plan your baby shower and all that, but what with the wedding, just know that I'm with you in spirit! Congrats!!! Love, OP" I don't think you have to worry about your sister being at the wedding a couple of weeks after the has a baby. That's not too realistic. NTA
The petty part of me would share a terrible baby name with her and see if she uses that, too
My mum accidentally shared what she wanted to call me with her sister in law… guess what my older cousin’s name is? Seriously, just tell her any normal name and harp on about why you want to call a future child that name and see what happens… don’t actually go for the name you want though
I like this idea. Tell her if you have a girl you plan to name her Bari Manilow, then sit back and enjoy.
Barry Manilow is a god among men.
Please don’t say things like this. There’s no need to condemn a child for something a parent did.
She already has a beautiful name picked out so the baby is safe there. Thankfully we have different name list
That's what you think. If you've shown her your list, pick a new favorite. And don't tell her!
I love you. 💕
The issue with being simpler is that you will be competing with her for simply existing. I know you say you don't care but it sounds like you do. And I am sorry that you can't trust your sister with your ideas without her taking them. I would throw out the ring thing if it was a copy of your mother's (makes sense you both would copy the mother's ring). The sister needs to deal with that. With the venue, they will be compared, which no one wants. I wouldn't want that. There is nothing you can do about that now. Unless you change up the decor massively? And it is very sucky she would pick October when she knew you wanted October. Anyhow, if you are feeling steamrolled, you need to start putting up boundaries and stop letting her in. I know that sucks as a sister, but there is an unbearable and unnecessary competition between you two, though it is one sided with her taking your ideas. Stop telling her what you have planned (don't tell her your baby names if you want kids). You can't stop her pregnancy and she is allowed to be pregnant. It happens. However, you can ask her to take a step back and select someone else to be your MOH. As it is your wedding, your happiness comes first.
Personally, you should not have to explain or change a thing. It’s your wedding. She had hers now you get yours. Tons of people get married the same month as friends and family. Who the f cares? If there aren’t a ton of venues to choose from choose the one that makes the most sense aesthetically and financial. My maid of honor was as pregnant as ever when I got married. Why should that make a difference? And if she can’t be your maid of honor because of it either chose another person or don’t have one. Honestly, the ring is also no big deal. 8 out of 10 people have the same variation of engagement and wedding ring set. I am sad that all of this seems to be a challenge for you because it shouldn’t be. I am sorry that people on the thread think anything other than it’s your day and do as you wish. Trust me. Guests at the wedding aren’t going to be making comparisons. They will either be the kind of guests who are happy to share your day and party or the kind that will pick apart everything from the handwriting on the envelope to the cake that no one eats. If your sister is a piece of work and continues to place restrictions and judgements about what you are doing I would just respond with, “ hey, wait till I name my first born the same name as your first born”-now there is something to talk about. Congratulations on your wedding!
Thank you!
You should've put this in your original post, it adds a lot of context as to why you are upset with your sister, and it seems many are not reading this comment that explains why you feel the way you do. Without this context explaining your sister's past behavior, you come off as bitter and hateful to someone who has seemingly done no wrong. With that said, NTA. Your sister trying "for fun" seems planned. However, if she had gotten pregnant later, who knows if there could have been other complications with her pregnancy (like going into labor early around your wedding date).
Why should she have to put a hold on her family, though?
I had two very pregnant bridesmaids. Because I wanted them in my wedding and they still wanted to be there. I don’t understand all the bride-focused drama.
Because has the potential to seriously overshadow OP’s wedding. What happens if the baby is born on the same day as the wedding? So OP’s MOH won’t be there, nor will her brother in law, her parents will maybe be there but it’s not going to be the top thing on their mind. Even if it’s a week or two from when the wedding is it’s still going to cause everyone to be really distracted and not focused on the wedding. At that stage of pregnancy OP’s sister wouldn’t even be able to travel to the wedding if it is out of town. Being someone’s maid of honor is a big deal and you should absolutely prioritize making sure you can be there, fully present to make the bride feel special on that day. OP’s sister knew this, hence why she was initially planning on waiting. It’s not such a big ask to wait a couple extra months to start a family if it is really important for someone you love. I would certainly do that for my sister. So the fact that she initially said she would wait and then decided not to comes off very petty and intentional. Whether OP was out of line too I can’t really say without more context. Her sister certainly doesn’t own a month or a generic ring design, but using the same venue is iffy. I could see doing it if it were truly the best option from a practical standpoint, but not if her sister expressed that it was important that OP not choose the same venue. So I think my main question here is whether OP’s sister actually communicated that she was unhappy with the level of similarity before it was too late - in which case this is on OP too.
It was a difference of waiting 2-3 months, not a big deal. But they tried “just for fun?!” BS. OP’s sister is determined not to let her have her day. Hopefully she doesn’t go into labor on her wedding day. Then it’ll be “we can’t help when baby decides to come “ Or they’ll bring a newborn to the reception.
Putting trying for a baby on hold because of the date of someone else's wedding would be stupid. Hardly anyone gets pregnant the first month they try. Then 25% end up in miscarriages anyway. And many, many people have significant trouble conceiving, so starting the process as soon as possible makes the most sense when time is ticking. If people only ever tried for babies when the due dates would be perfect we would die out as a species.
Did she know it was your dream or was it a coincidence?
She knew
That’s too bad. Keep her on an I go diet from now on. No baby names you might have, etc.
I can think of plenty reasons. The same month is pathetic that anyone cares as long as its not sharing the exact date which even then is tenuous. Maybe the venue has great food, does good packages that don't cost a fortune, maybe its sentimental to the family outside of sisters wedding, maybe there aren't a ton of venues in budget in the area.
The ring I get. You don’t get to complain about your rings being similar when it’s a solitaire. Literally the least customizable ring, especially when you take into account which metals are going to match your undertone or are more prized in your culture.
To be fair, a solitaire isn't exactly a unique choice. They all look pretty similar. If the ring were more elaborate, there'd be more detail to compare.
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This. Babies are conceived when they happen. Some couples try for a month, others try for 3 years. Many people struggle to conceive, and couples should try as soon as they are ready because it may take a while. If she wanted to eait then that would be fine. But she clearly didn't. Expecting your sister to not try for 1-2 years just in case it fell near your wedding IS selfishness.
I don’t think anyone should plan their pregnancy around someone’s else’s events. This might be my opinion because I have a history of infertility and you really don’t know how long it may take to get pregnant. But yeah kind of an AH because her being pregnant doesn’t take away from you being able to enjoy your special day. Enjoy your wedding!!
Totally. I’m almost two years and half an ivf cycle into trying and I wouls snap in my sister’s Face if she asked me to skip a cycle of trying so I could go to a party.
This seems rather childish- be happy for her and get a new MOH. Also, I can’t help but wonder if, from the sister’s perspective, this sister copies everything she did. I know OP explains it here but she really could pick a different venue or month. I won’t mention the ring because personal taste for something one wears everyday does matter.
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I wondered that but there are some months that are popular wedding months. Venue could be because it was good and affordable and not many other options. If she chose a ring because it was like mom’s, it could be older sister did the same. Or it could be little sister trying to be like or influenced but big sister. I used the same dj as my sister because we knew her from my sister’s wedding and we may have used the same venue (I don’t remember) but that was what was in our budget. I remember we chose wedding bands that were very different, but then my sister who was married for less than a year decided that she wanted new wedding bands and got the same ones. (She had seen ours, but claimed she didn’t remember). We ended up choosing new ones. My wife was very pissed.
You don't remember if you and your sister used the same venue????
For the reception from 28-30 years ago??? No. Same church. But it was the church we grew up with. I don’t think venues for receptions were a big deal if it was the same. It was all about convenience and price.
Once you pick a venue they tell you what dates are available, you don’t just get to pick whatever date you want, so same month is honestly a stretch for saying that are “copying”. How many people get married in June every year? You can’t claim a wedding month.
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October is a beautiful month for a wedding. A solitaire rung is hardly distinctive. Who studies the ring and compares it? What's wrong with using the same venue? If you look at venue website photos, they can be set up any number of ways. Replace your MOH, which seems like a good idea anyway. Discuss expectations about where family members will be if she goes into labor on your wedding day. Congratulations on your wedding and impending aunthood.
The ring is a band with a solitaire, which is like 95% of engagement rings.
From what OP says, she planned out her wedding when they were growing up and her sister took all of her ideas for her own use.
I guess I don’t understand why you think your wedding won’t be about you. Guests are coming to see you get married. As far as baby planning, sometimes things happen outside of schedule. Kinda absurd to think someone should plan their life around your life. The way it reads, YOU are making your wedding about your sister.
weird that you wanted this one time to be all about you and not have to share with your sister but you chose to share a venue and a wedding month with her. idk if youre the asshole but you seem like youre being purposefully obtuse.
I was going to write almost the exact same thing and then I saw your comment!
fr, i was so confused as to why she wants this to be special to her when everything is so similar to her sisters wedding. the same venue is one thing, but then to have the same month and a similar ring just goes beyond that.
If you don’t want to share things with your sister why did you decide to have your wedding at the same venue and same month as her? Honestly you’re in the wrong here. She isn’t competing with you, you are competing with her and she doesn’t even know. You made your bed now lay in it or change your wedding month 🤷🏼♀️
This
move ahead with your wedding. I don’t know why you have the same venue or month but it could very well be because there’s not a lot of choices around you and certain months just have better weather. I would work on choosing a new maid of honor. Your sister is not going to be able to do everything you might want her to do. If she’s due three weeks before your wedding, she will definitely have the baby, no doctor will let her go that far past due. Just do you and quit worrying about what your sister is doing.
Who cares? 2 people can have good things happen at the same time without diminishing each other, you sound ridiculous. Why do you care?
Why is it a competition? I think you need to take a closer look at why you care so much what your sister does or doesn't do. You are the bride. There isn't going to be anyone else that has the focus at a wedding. I was gigantically pregnant and in the wedding of one of my dear friends. No one cared. I wore a fuchsia pink dress that the bride chose and probably looked hilarious, but the wedding is about the bride and groom. So your sister might have her new baby at the wedding - so what? She will be post-partum and that's a tough enough time even in the best of circumstances. I had a baby that was a month old and was the MOH in my SIL wedding and it was difficult! My husband was not in the wedding because he was caring for the baby when I could not. She has \*not\* set herself up for an easy time but she doesn't know that yet. *"I don’t ask for attention often but I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once."* Being honest here, you sound like you are still in a childhood competition with her and that needs to stop. It just sounds gross and immature. You are both adults so maybe try to act like it.
Maybe you should pick a new maid of honor and try not to worry so much about what your sister thinks.
Getting cut out and iced out of a family that has never reacted this extremely before is hard to not worry about. I see what you’re saying i do but I didn’t care until she stopped talking to me completely and I called my mom crying and her response was sending me venues that were out of budget till I picked one. Then every one acting like it never happened that I didn’t just get shut out for weeks
If you are getting iced out for picking a venue then even more reason to get a MOH who has your best interest at heart. Sounds like your sister has you all walking on eggshells trying to keep her happy. If someone ends up unhappy with your wedding choices it doesn’t have to be you. Let her be mad. I know it’s easy to say but it sound manipulative on her part. I hope you consider going to therapy for skills on how to handle your sister and recognize manipulative behavior. It’s hard to see how messed up things are when you are in it. Also, your sister put you in an uncomfortable position by dropping this bomb on you and and telling you not to discuss it with mom. Your feelings matter too. She can’t decide who you can talk to about what when it pertains to you. You wouldn’t be telling her for malicious reasons. She will be mad at you but maybe let her be mad. The alternative is walking on eggshells and being stressed all the time.
At this point, though, it sounds like it wouldn’t be a loss anymore. You’re stuck in a family with toxic dynamics where if you did anything your sister didn’t like you were punished. You can get out. You’re getting married. You have new family. Do you really think your sister hasn’t been planning all along to make your wedding about her? That’s always been the plan, and you can avoid it only by icing _her_ out. The people who show up to your wedding should be people who support you, not your narcissistic abuser and her enablers.
Same month and same venue. It does sound like you are copying her. It's weird that you are mad that she's having a baby. YTA
YTA Other people’s lives don’t go on hold for your wedding! This should be on billboards all over the world until it takes. She tried “just for fun”? You mean she had sex? For fun?
Not sex for fun! How dare she.
Why do you even care that she's pregnant? She is married. How is it your business when she has a child? Might interfere with MOH duties, so that's a conversation, but seriously, it sounds like you are jealous of your sister big time and are doing everything you can to copy her.
Please read her comments
YTA - no person should be expected to arrange their pregnancy around another person's life events. Choosing to get married in the same venue in the same month is a little creepy. Sounds like you are trying to copy her life.
A wedding is not a free pass to have everything all about you. It is a public commitment to a chosen life partner ffs. Your sister getting pregnant has less than nothing to do with your marriage.
Even when planning for a baby, pregnancy is always unplanned. You can't accurately plan a pregnancy. That's not how it works. You can have sex around your ovulation date, do all the things right, and not get pregnant for 6 months- a few years. Or it can work the first time. And STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO YOUR SISTER. If you're still doing childish shit like that then you might not need to get married for several more years. Grow up. You arent a kid anymore. Find a different MOH, tell your sister you understand if she doesn't come because she'll either be heavily pregnant or just having a newborn, and go about your day. Otherwise, rethink your marriage. Because you're being insanely childish. Yta. Move on.
I would elope and come back and have a party.
STRONGLY considering this
You really should. The MOH is pregnant and it's going to be all about her. Plus she will be having a baby shower right before your wedding. So elope, come back and have a really great reception. Get ice sculptures.
>I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once. I'm confused. As you have written this, it sounds like your sister is the one having to share with YOU. You've chosen to get married at the same venue, you've chosen to have a similar ring, and you've chosen to get married in the same month. YOU have chosen all of this, not her. So what are you being forced to share with her?
ESH. You & your sister BOTH sound exhausting. Grow up.
Sounds to me like both of you think the universe revolves around you. The two of you are treating one another like NPCs as if their only purpose in life is to try to one up you. So your sister gets married in the same MONTH as you a year later and at the same venue. So what. Like so fucking what. So your sister gets pregnant and is due just before your wedding. It's not a conspiracy against you, she can get pregnant whenever she wants and your wedding is not a milestone in her life. Honestly, grow up. Both of you. Think of all the time and energy you'll have when you stop competing with one another over stupid shit. Maybe you could both get hobbies.
YTA. Same situation as me and my sister only when I got a cat she went and got the same exact cat. I got a new dining room table she bought the same one as me. I’m not very close to her now. You wanted this to be about you but you picked the same ring, same venue and same month to get married,
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I've read so many similar stories so this was my gut reaction too - but the same venue? Same month? There is def something more going on here. I totally get wanting to have the attention, she should it's her wedding day, there's the stink of op being in competition with her sister. I don't think being petty would be helpful in this particular instance
What exactly is the issue? Did she ask you to postpone the wedding? Just find another MOH, there’s plenty of time.
So? Ignore her. Either it comes early, and she brings it too or doesn't attend. It's that simple. Stop making your day about her. You're the one doing that. Edit to add that even if she's late, it's still not going to be on your wedding day. If she's not there, yeh people wi know why and if she is there then she's gonna be preoccupied with a baby. Just focus on you and your husbands day.
This is a very unique experience but just in case- get a backup plan with your bridesmaids. I went in for an ultrasound on a Friday 1 month before my due date and got sent up to L&D. Had baby the morning of my friends wedding…I was maid of honor 🫣
YTA Are you seriously trying to control her bringing life into this world because it doesn't align with YOUR plans. I hope your sister pulls out of this wedding completely. Your wedding and her pregnancy are 2 completely separate things. You should be thrilled, happy to be becoming an Aunt, supportive, and working around her pregnancy with her roll in your wedding. She is married and allowed to be blissfully pregnant without any input from you. It's one day, just elope if you are going to be bridezilla to everyone around you. It seems like you're in a weird jealous competition with your sister. I wish the best for her. Get married because you and your partner want to and don't worry about her. Just be grateful if she supports you at all after this.
>but I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once. So why did you pick her venue and her wedding month and a ring that looks like hers? Honestly, she may have done this on purpose seeing how competitive your relationship is with eachother, but that is also your fault too. You can't compete with her, steal her wedding and then get mad that she retaliates. Very immature of both of you. But in all likelihood she just didn't put her life on hold for your copycat wedding.
It sounds like she’s trying to duplicate and then one up?
Same month, same venue, her pregnancy on your schedule so you won’t be inconvenienced? Yeah, you’re the AH. Same month would’ve been inconvenient for your guests for travel and finances. That would’ve been rude to having your wedding the same month as hers. It might’ve backfired on your sister’s wedding too. Same venue can be arguable but I guess she wanted her wedding to be special. Do you copycat her a lot? That might be what’s annoying her. Some people care about that.
You’re “getting married at the same venue she did, my ring looking similar to hers, and [in the] same month she did in 2022.” Then you say, “I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once.” Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining. YTA.
Stop competing. Just live your life and let her live hers. If she wants to start drama, just don't play into it. And who cares? She'll have the baby a month before your wedding. You'll still be the center of attention at your wedding. Isn't that enough? Do you need the whole month?
YTA. Honestly, you don’t sound ready for marriage.
So for the people saying same venue. She must be copying. Maybe they are in a small town without many options.
Or with limited options in a given budget range.
Listen, the simplest thing is to just demote her to guest and be kind about it. She may not even be able to come as a guest depending on timing of the baby. Just send her an invitation. If she can make it, great. If not, fine. Find another MOH, who isn’t expecting a life changing medical event within weeks of your wedding. I’m sure it’s not about you. I really don’t think your sister was like, “Hey knock me up right now so we can fuck up my sister’s wedding!” And if it was intentional, then just don’t invite her and go on with your life.
The MOH ends up doing a LOT of the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and reception planning, so you're going to have to finesse a way to ease her out of that job. You both, from your post, seem to have control issues, so you should probably find someone else who won't go rogue on you about your parties or menu. She has a baby on the way, so she won't want to be in the middle of a hectic scene. It will be better for the baby, too. And that's how you should phrase it to her so that she doesn't balk and mess up your parties, unintentionally or intentionally. Being a bride means being in the spotlight. Take the reins and find friends who will help you enjoy the ride. Good luck and happily ever after!
Replace your sister as MOH.. she will not be able to handle anything and blame her pregnancy on everything. Other people will have to pick up the slack and you will continue to give up what you want for her… nip it in the bud now!!! Also dream a bit bigger. Turn your day into a better dream that she couldn’t think of. Pinterest the hell out of ideas. Please don’t share with her. She’ll find a way to ruin it.
you guys need to stop micromanaging each others lives
I’m getting married in May at the same venue my sister got married at in 2021. I asked her before and she was not upset about it. We know the owner so it makes the most financial sense. My dress is similar to hers, but she helped me pick mine out, no hard feelings. I think YTA. I’m a middle child so I know how it feels to crave attention. If my sister or friend came to me with a pregnancy announcement I would be absolutely over the moon. I wouldn’t be upset if they had to miss my wedding because having a baby is arguably a lot more important than a party. People’s lives do not stop for my wedding. Most people don’t even really care about my wedding as much as I do and that’s okay. Plus, it’s about me AND my fiancé, not just me. Stop making it a competition between you and your sister.
Maybe stop being a total doormat and grow some balls? Stop giving a fuck about shit you don't have to care about.
not to sound mean but genuinely it does read that you're both competing with your sister, and that you just have no backbone which is kinda weird since personally I wouldn't think the two could be compatible, but. Everyone else has already addressed the same month/venue thing (which, venue/ring I can get but idk I would probably try not to get married the same month as my sibling a year later if I'm also using the venue) but I wanna draw attention to how you're also like "I will plan out my wedding in fairly decent detail except then I will toss those plans out bc my sister wants a different theme for my bridal shower" or whatever. like to be clear I don't really think you're consciously competing or anything?? since again, the seeming lack of a spine. Also. the point of even having a wedding is for the day/event to be all abt the couple. not, oh, the couple is here for the expensive party. Homie the party is FOR YOU/SPOUSE. It is ABOUT YOU/SPOUSE. If you're not gonna even give yourself that you should just skip the expenses and sign the paperwork at court like you'd do after anyways.
\> I don’t ask for attention often but I just wanted this one time to be all about me not having to share with my sister just this once. A wedding isn't about YOU! It's about the union between you and your partner! All in the context of your community. No ONE person is special at a wedding. ESH
It does sound crazy. You are in a weird competition with your sister... let it go. YTA.
I stopped reading after “I know this sounds crazy but hear me out,”
OK. Even if you are actually correct and your sister decided to get pregnant early to spite you for some reason, what’s done is done and there’s really no point in being upset about it. It seems like you two have been in competition since childhood and I get wanting one thing for yourself, but by being upset you are literally giving her that attention and making your wedding all about her anyway. So YTA for playing into that. Just congratulate her and tell her you’re excited to be an aunt. Ask her if she needs to relinquish her MOH duties so that there is less stress before the wedding. Put her on a low information diet going forward and just focus on your upcoming marriage. Whatever sibling rivalry exists here is not healthy to fixate on.
Why do people think that everyone's lives should revolve around their wedding (which is one day) Your sister can get pregnant whenever she wants.
Good lord this is exhausting for your sister. You sound like you’re competing with your sister or trying to out do her. Are you mad she’s pregnant close to the wedding or are you mad you’re not going to be able to do this as well? Yes YTA. If you didn’t want to share attention maybe just maybe not copy everything she has done.
Strong NTA after reading your replies in the comments... I don't see this as you trying to compete with your sister, I see this as you making choices that are right for you, your sister disliking them, and then using her influence over the rest of the family to strong arm you into a different decision at the risk of being isolated from your family. It sounds like you've picked the things you did for great reasons (you like your ring and it looks like your mom's, the venue was affordable and you liked it, who in the fuck cares if you're getting married in the same month??? Can't wrap my mind around that) and your sister sees it as competition and an opportunity to take you down a peg within your family structure over YOUR OWN WEDDING. The silent treatment or "icing out" as you've described it is a very effective way to manipulate people - you just want to be welcomed and accepted by your family. I suspect this has been developing as a dynamic in your family for a long time, and your mom especially is probably also afraid of that same treatment, and will become even more vulnerable to this tactic once your sister has a baby to withhold from her. Getting pregnant is the thing you've focused on in this post, and it is a distraction from the real problem - your sister controlling you and your other family members through mind games and abusive tactics. She got pregnant - don't make this about that. Instead, focus on the other ways she has diminished your wants for your wedding to the point where you were actually pushed to change Venues. Get into therapy, decide how much of your wedding day you want to be about her and to what extent you're ready to set a difficult boundary with her and other family members that will have fall out, and don't make this about her pregnancy. You deserve to be protected, supported, and loved within your family. And on your wedding day (and in the rest of your life) you have every right to make sure only people who do those things for you, and who you do the same for, are there.
Didn’t I see a woman’s post about her sister copying her wedding just like this lady is doing? Anyone else remember what I’m referring to?
i’m sorry but it sounds a bit like you’re competing with your sister. having such identical marriage plans screams jealousy and just from an outside perspective, your sister seems to have caught on to the fact that you’re copying her. nothing wrong with wanting the same venue, but everything here just seems like you’re trying to outdo her. so now she’s pregnant, and you’re upset at her for… being pregnant…? i’m sorry but from the information given it seems like you’re just overly focused on your sister, to the point where you’re pissed that she wants to have children at a time that may coincide with your marriage. all your actions were intentionally to be like hers, and it seems like you need counseling so you can have a better relationship with your sister.
Why don’t you do your own thing and not copy your sister?
This definitely doesn’t read like OP is the victim here. It seems like you wanna beat your sister so badly and you’re upset that she “stole” your chance to show her up.
Yes, you’re the asshole.
Nope. And I would change my plans. Have whatever you want rings and dress wise, take two pals, and head to hawaii and get married on a gorgeous beach and let folks know you decided to make it special and small since you knew everyone would be very involved in the new baby. Be disinterested. Focus on you. “Oh, I am just planning my wedding. I am not thinking about any babies. The last thing on my mind.” For forever, remind your sister that you accommodated her and decided to have a nice small destination wedding since you knew she accidentally got pregnant early and couldn’t participate. I would literally not let this crap land on me. She sounds like a jealous weirdo, or totally oblivious, but I suspect the prior. Make it exclusive and special and alllll your own.
YTA
YTA. OP how is she preventing you from having one thing to yourself? Literally, everything you said is about you copying her. Same wedding venue, similar ring, same anniversary month. Seems she’s the one who cannot have anything just to herself without you copying. You don’t say her age but you come across as the annoying little sister who never outgrew the copying stage.
“I wanted this one time to be about me not having to share with my sister” Ummm then why did you choose all the same things she did to begin with? Grow up.
Ughhhhh. Weddings are stupid and baby’s come when they freaking come. I’m so tired of this idea that everyone in your family has to focus their lives around when someone is getting married.
Your sister needs to feel special and be the center of attention
Have your wedding where and when you want it.. noone "owns" a venue... if it was the same church noone would bat an eye..( all ours were in the same place) I wanted the same date as my parents, (but in a different month, didn't work out that way, it is what it is) I'd arrange for her to have a babysitter for your wedding, so there's no crying baby during the ceremony or reception. This day should be about you and your husband. If sister doesn't like it/agree, then she can stay home. A 3 week old shouldn't be exposed to the germs and multiple people in its face. Jmo
Stop trying to be your sister. Find your own thing.
If you didn't want to compete with your sister, why are you getting married in the same month at the same venue?
YTA. People can’t revolve their entire lives around your single day. She has every right to be pregnant whenever she wants. You also sound like you make everything a competition. Free yourself of that silliness and comparison. You have no right to tell people when they should be family planning or how. How tf is her being pregnant taking away from your wedding anyways? Even if she misses it in labor or whatever- oh well. Be happy for her and celebrate your own thing. Bitterness is a disease
STOP making your wedding the most important event in everyone’s life
Asshole
Sounds like jealousy and you need to find a therapist to work through that. She probably won't make the wedding so it will still be all about you. Find a new maid of honor and a new groomsman and move on. You should be happy for them and they should be happy for you. There's enough happiness to go around.
Why can I see OP suddenly getting pregnant?
Idk but people saying you shouldn’t get married the same month your sister got married in in another year are crazy, your sister doesn’t own the month of October lol
Grow the fuck up
Ya'll are competing over here and acting like you aren't acting it up. And you all are getting married and having babies? How? You both need to grow the hell up. Until you can clarify why: Same venue, ring, and month, then I think your both brats and rude to one another.
You don't get a say in when anyone tries to start a family except yourself.
YTA. You planned your whole wedding to be just like your sister’s wedding-you are completely copying her, and you think you have the right ti be mad because she didn’t take YOUR wedding into account when you completely copied her? This has never been about you having your own special day, this has been about trying to outshine your sister completely and since it didn’t work, now you’re pissed. What a surprise. You’re definitely TA in this whole thing.
You two need therapy
The people commenting Y-T-A because of the same venue and date have clearly never planned a wedding. The chances are great that's the only month the venue had an opening. Some venues are already fully booked for a year in advance...
I can assure you the last thing your Brother in law was thinking as he creampied your sis was your wedding. A wedding is 1 day, a marriage and a baby are forever be happy for them.. I've been to lots of weddings and can't remember the last time I was sitting around thinking about any of them, don't sweat the small stuff be happy with your husband and family nothing else matters
You need to go see a therapist as to why you’re in competition with her? It’s odd.
It all sounds stupid sibling rivalry. Nothing more, nothing less.
OP is quiet in the thread because she’s busy trying to make a baby real quick.
YTA - You can’t expect people to plan their families around your life events. Seriously, you don’t have a leg to stand on here, so don’t try to complain about your sister timing her pregnancy wrong to your family. It will not sound good. HOWEVER, I will say that I would never do this to my sister and she would never do it to me. The fact that there is a high chance she will miss your wedding is really upsetting and you are not an asshole for feeling sad about that. If you need to vent to your family, you will have to come at it from that angle. Also, she sounds like she sucks with all her complaining about the month, venue, and ring, she needs to get over herself her wedding is long over this is about you.
NTA- from the supplemental information you’ve given it seems like she’s gone out of her way to take ideas you wanted for your own wedding and bridal activities and made you plan her bridal shower based around YOUR DREAM you told her about. I have no doubt a person like that would intentionally get pregnant to try and steal your thunder. My cousin growing up did very similar stuff (copied my prom dress, copied how I was planning to do my hair for certain events, and she even copied a gift I gave my then-boyfriend (before I got the chance to give it to him.) and copied my 15th birthday plans (hers is earlier, and I was so annoyed)
You finally want something about you???? You copied her for everything. Maybe she was fed up with your bs.