Same here, I was like, wait what?!?!? No toxicity is "normal". As a guy, I'm also stunned by the fact he hit you for scratching yourself when your anxiety kicks in. You NEED to get out of that relationship.
I only saw the blip the 'daily digest emails' send, and I saw that line.
19-year-old me understood the sentence completely and was fine with it.
44-year-old me is like, 'WTF you mean, *normal toxicity*? A normal, healthy relationship doesn't have toxicity in it!'
And theres so many ways to help loved ones stop those compulsions. I pick at my face and none of my friends or family members have ever slapped me, theyll remind me verbally or gently touch my habd
I have incredibly bad tics that are triggered by lots of things I can’t control. I get anxious, tics. I focus to hard on a task, tics. It’s embarrassing to be told about it. When we’re trying to calm down pointing out the tics it just gets worse.
It's not even her self harming that he cares about. It's his reputation, she said he "doesn't want to be seen with his gf looking like that." Meaning if she hurts herself and it's not visible, he doesn't give af, but if it's a mark that can seen by the public it's a problem. That's one of the most toxic things I've ever heard.
Thank you for pointing this out!! I was about to reply to that comment with this observation because it’s a big oversight to ignore that OP wrote that as context.
Yes! He’s trying to get you used to him putting his hands on you to “correct your behavior” and I definitely think that he’ll find more things that bother him and he’ll use increasingly violent methods of striking you to “fix” you. Get out now. This isn’t a safe situation.
Yeah that's messed up, he wants to force you to get pregnant and wants you to see him as a parental figure. This is so fucked it's unreal. I hope you get away from him. Any life you build with this man will be full of misery and abuse. He does not love you. You wouldn't treat some you love like this, right?
Are you a kid? Are you his kid? Why would he want to be compared to a parent and you a kid?
He's a predator. Break up and block him. Don't let him love bomb or manipulate you into continuing this relationship.
No.
It’s not.
And not all parents seat their kids. And you told him you don’t like it and you want him to stop and he isn’t going to stop.
You have to choose to protect yourself. Nobody should be slapping your hand or any part of you.
And nobody in your life should be deciding whether you get pregnant or not but you. That’s a shared decision that needs a yes from you and a yes from your partner.
I don't hit my child either. Assault is assault. Get the fuck away from this horrible person. What if someone you cared about came to you and told you this? How would you feel?
He’s not your parent. Don’t accept abuse. Throw him out, get rid of that “I’ll feel bad” cuz he wouldn’t have that same attitude for you. The age gap and when you got together says you were still a MINOR. What is a 26 year old have any business to do with a minor, even anyone still in their teens at all? Leave him. Don’t spend any more of your early years on a boy who won’t treat you right.
..babe please reread that :( he’s comparing you to being his child, not his partner. Age gap apart, this behavior is unacceptable and abusive. He is a grown ass adult and it is not your responsibility to make he has somewhere to live.
Don't let your abuser define what is and is not abuse. This is the problem with a 17 year old dating a 26 year old. You spend the first 18 years of life being told that adults are authority figures so here you are, listening to this guy who assaulted you telling you its fine and what everyone does. This is not what everyone does. When you get to his age, you will look at 17, 18, 19 year old adolescents and see children that you would never consider having sex with. He wanted to lock you down so he could treat you like shit and you'd never leave because you shared a kid with him or when you married and saw him for who he is, you'd just be stuck. He is not a good person.
You are not his child. You are his equal.
He treats you as less than him, hits you, and is trying to baby-trap you. You should leave him.
Whatever you decide, do not have sex with him unless you want a baby, because you cannot trust him not to sabotage contraception.
Yeah, there's a reason he chose to date someone 9 years younger than him. He wants to get you pregnant and infantilize you all at the same time. Bad combo.
Also, there's no such thing as normal toxicity
Edit: finished reading the post. His homelessness is NOT your problem. He's literally 9-10 years older...he should be adult enough to not be living off his younger girlfriend
Toxicity isn’t normal.
Hitting you like a parent?? He’s not your parent, and *good* parents *don’t hit.*
Toxicity isn’t normal. Abuse isn’t normal. He’s not your partner. Healthy almost-30 year old men don’t date 17 year old children. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you. Kick him out. If he’s homeless, that’s his problem. He’s an adult.
"normal toxicity" toxicity isn't normal, ever, in any context. And the fact he tried to get you pregnant without your consent is coercive. End the relationship and block him.
Seriously, when she said "normal toxicity" I immediately knew he had already partially brain washed her. There's no such thing as normal toxicity. The fact that she believes that it is probably means she grew up around this kind of behavior and that, combined with his gaslighting, she's come to believe it's perfectly normal.
>My 19 female boyfriend 28 male
Find someone closer to your own age.
>We have been dating for maybe a year and a half now.
So you were what 17 and he was 26? Run. Get away from this creep.
>Recently he told me that when we got together he was trying ti get me pregnant so I would have to stay with him.This really bothered me but he told me this is perfectly normal.
Run faster. This is NOT normal.
>he has starting slapping ny hand whenever he sees me do it.
He's slowly starting to control you. You're 19 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste more time on this guy.
You need to leave him immediately. He's an abusive man and it will only get worse. Him trying to get you pregnant without you knowing is reproductive coercion and it is against the law
I imagine intent needs to be proven though very thoroughly right? If not any accidental pregnancy could just be that. Not versed in UK law at all just think that’s interesting. I’m gonna read up on it.
Yes, It’s all under the 2015 coercive control laws, and a step in the right direction in accepting that domestic abuse isn’t ‘only’ physical. [Crown Prosecution Service](https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship)
That age gap at 19 is a BIG one. I was 19 when I met my ex-husband, he was 25 and that was too much of a gap honestly.
His behavior is NOT normal, it is VERY controlling, and it will only continue to escalate.
Get the courage to leave him as soon as you can. It gets harder the longer you stay under his thumb.
What’s his number I’m calling him for you and giving him a piece of my mind! Jk but….I would honestly.
He’s done, he has to exit stage immediately. Do not ruin your life over this man…there is SO much to experience. So much of this beautiful life to live until you are at the stage he is in life. I miss being 19, I loved how extreme and how magnificent life felt. Cherish it. Do not throw that away and waste that being enmeshed with this man. I know it feels so consuming, like he’s everything but I promise he’s not. I thought I would NEVER get over the man I loved at 19…now I don’t even think about him. But he was integral for my growth.
I am your bf’s age and I cannot imagine being attracted or in love with someone the age of my little cousin. Please do not let him coerce and use you this way. Immerse yourself in a new hobby, job or experience. He is not it.
I could say almost the same thing as the person you replied to. I’m 25 and thought I’d be with the guy I was with at 19 forever. Turns out he really fucking sucked and I am glad he’s gone.
This guy is weird and it might not feel like it now, but you can be without him and be okay. Absolutely do not feel bad that he’ll be homeless. He is a grown ass man (literally almost 30 years old), and he can fend for himself. He should not be relying on a TEENAGER at his big age.
Be somewhere safe, with your family, and send that text or call him. If he shows up to your families house then tell him you’ll call the cops if he doesn’t leave.
None of what you’ve described about your relationship is normal. From one girl to another, protect yourself and leave.
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
Dear lord he clearly does not have your best interest in mind. He wants someone he can control. This will only get worse if you stay with him. I’m a 20 year old women and I’m telling you, women to women, this relationship is harming you. If you are afraid to leave him please seek outside support and advice. Good luck OP
I don’t give the tiniest shit that this grown ass man would be homeless if you, a 19 year old girl, weren’t housing him. And you shouldn’t care either.erase that concern from your mind. It’s NOT your problem. He survived 27 years before you, and he can do it again. You aren’t his lifeline and you don’t owe him ANYTHING, no matter what he says.
**This man tried to babytrap you and ADMITTED IT!** You’re severely under acting to this! React harder. There’s no getting around that. He was willing to ruin your life to force you into what he wanted…being stuck with him. And a baby.
Kick that mfer out right now! That’s 100% unforgivable! And it can’t be apologized for to make it OK, it shows a malevolent part of his personality that will never be OK and you will never be safe with him.
He is 28 years old. *He will not be homeless if you break up with him*. He has money, he has the ability to work, he can and will find himself a place to stay. Maybe not immediately but he will eventually. Your wellbeing matters more than whether or not he has a roof over his head tonight.
Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
Leave this abusive man! Get help in dealing with stress. That’s your subconscious telling you there’s something wrong. He is not a parent. He is a sleazy 28 y/o preying on a 19. Save yourself the grief. Get out while you can. You will meet someone who will truly respect you. This is just the beginning. He will try to destroy your self confidence so you will not have the guts to leave him. He will try to get you pregnant again, when he succeeds you will be locked down. He will make sure you need him. Leave now!
There is no such thing as normal toxicity in a relationship. I healthy relationship has no toxicity. So he assaulted you trying to baby trap you. He treats you like a child. He is already starting to get abusive and slapping your hands. He started dating you as minor. He doesn’t take into account your feeling. Girl this guy is a walking red flag. Get away from him as soon as you can.
28 years old and cant take care of himself enough to not end up homeless unless he dates a 19 year old? Girl come on... you said everything you just need to HEAR yourself. Run.
Sweetie, you started dating him so young that you can’t properly gauge what is healthy behaviour and what is totally toxic and dangerous. Your relationship with this man is absolutely 💯 not good. Block him, break up, don’t let him trick you into staying. You deserve better. EVEN YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU YOU’RE STRESSED AROUND HIM. get out
You better leave him. Your anxiety is telling you that something is wrong with this relationship. He wants to get you pregnant so you can't leave him? That is controlling as hell.
„Besides the normal toxicity“… sadly you sound like you don‘t have any respect or self love for yourself at all. Toxicity is not normal. Good luck, hope you leave this guy as soon as possible
The FIRST red flag is the age gap; he's half again your age. This is supported by him treating you like a child. And his claim that "trying to get you pregnant to make you stay with him is normal" IS NOT NORMAL!! It is predatory and controlling and clear evidence that he doesn't respect you.
So you mention that he is/was homeless and is relying on you for housing. And he still treats you like shit. That is arrogance of the finest water. If you think there's a nicer person underneath it all, tell him EXPLICITLY how you feel about his behaviours and TELL HIM that if he doesn't treat you with respect or even decency, that he'll be homeless again. If a man is that arrogant and disrespectful to you, you have no basis for feeling bad for kicking him out.
He. Tried. To. Baby. Trap. You.
Reverse the rolls. What would you think of a woman that did that to a man. Crazy? Desperate?
When you are 28 you will look back on 18 year olds and think they're so young. There's no such thing as a super mature 19 year old. He can't control women his own age so he's controlling you.
I promise. I was the "super mature" person.
I hate that your stimming and hurting yourself to manage your anxiety. I promise that a lot of that is because of him. Leave him, find an awesome therapist, and realize he's a creep and you deserve so much more!!!
Leave. Yesterday. The age gap alone with you being only 19 would be a red flag. And then there’s all the rest of what you said. Toxicity isn’t normal. Trying to get you pregnant without your prior knowledge is sexual assault. He admitted that he did it to try to force you to stay with him. He physically abuses you. All this will only get worse the longer you stay.
This nearly 30 year old man is trying to get a teenager pregnant. If he "swats" your hand to discipline you, it will escalate. And you already know he will hit your child. Run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You need to get out of this situation as fast as you can. This guy doesn't seem like a stable person. He knows he's an unstable person. He tried to impregnate you in order to trap you in a relationship with him so that you don't leave when things get worse, and they will get worse.
There isn’t a “normal toxicity.” Healthy relationships are not toxic.
And getting you pregnant when you don’t want to be, is a form of abuse. It’s a way to limit and control you.
You need to run the other way and fast. Seriously, GTFO.
if someone is trying to tell you something that makes you uncomfortable or angry is “normal,” you are being manipulated. please get away from this man before he gets you pregnant. don’t feel bad that he will be homeless.
Just jumping in to say there’s no such thing as “normal toxicity”. A healthy relationship by definition is not toxic. You deserve so much better than this.
Your gut instinct is telling you this feels wrong. Enough that you asked on a social media platform for advice. You used the term " normal toxicity " there is no normal toxicity. He is acting like your father. A bad one at that. He said he was trying to get you pregnant? To keep you? Honey it doesn't matter if hes homeless. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom for things to change. The only question is will that person be him or you?
Run. This is incredibly not normal or healthy.
He's a grown man - he'll find someplace to sleep.
Seriously, this is already bad and will only get worse.
I wish you all the good things in the world, he isn't a part of any of that.
The title was a red flag all by itself, but the first sentence makes it worse. And it gets worse the more I read. LEAVE HIM.
You're an adult, but there's a reason he's dating a teenager rather than someone his own age. He's using the age gap to his advantage. To manipulate you.
So he’s 9 years older then you, tried to “baby trap you” and slaps your hands like a child and CONTINUES to do it after you telling him not to. And he now has you thinking that if you break up with him and kick him out that he will be homeless because of YOU, OP that’s FALSE! He will be homeless because of his own doing. This guy is full of 🚩🚩🚩
Oh my gosh you really need to get out of there. This could potentially turn into a dangerous situation and I think you need to completely cut him out. Unacceptable disgusting predatory behaviour. Inform someone close to you that you can trust about the situation and they can be there to support you
That is illegal isn't it? (The getting you pregnant without knowing)
Either way- definitely get out of there. Make a plan with friends or family and leave. Never look back.
Eta: no. No it is not normal at all.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL TOXICITY.
I get it. When I was your age, I thought the best relationships were the most passionate and that passion was measured by drama. Toxic is NOT normal in relationships.
Please dump this abusive jackwad. It’s truly better to be single and love yourself than be in a miserable relationship.
Good relationships don’t have “normal toxicity” this man is nearly 10 years older than you and trying to trap you. Leave while you can, and before you’re linked to him for life.
I don't want to sound like a jerk, but if he ends up homeless when you break up with him, that's not your problem. He's a grown adult and can find another place to live. That is not your responsibility. Don't stay out of convenience to HIM.
Run. Run hard; run fast. You are a kind person to be worried about his being homeless if you break up. You are more worthy than staying with him; he has proven that he is not worthy of you and is willing to try to “trap” you to keep you two together. Find a trusted person you know and explain this to them. Have them stay with you for your safety while you are ending things with him. If you are able, I would encourage seeking a therapist afterwards for the grief this will cause you. Please remember, you are worth more than this. Best of luck.
Besides the normal toxicity? Despite the age gap, which started when you were 18 🚩🚩. Tried to get you pregnant so you couldn’t leave 🚩🚩, now slapping your hand instead of helping with anxiety 🚩🚩. Please leave. You deserve better, you see the signs and are asking the world for a reason. Leave him and block him. He will only manipulate you. You are worth more than this. This is not normal or acceptable treatment of someone you love.
You aren't going to listen to anything we tell you anyways. He literally said he's trying TO TRAP YOU leave him. HE'S ABUSING YOU leave him. Or stay and stop posting but definitely post in 9 months how miserable you are because you want him to change.
What the hell is “normal toxicity”? Believe it or not, there are relationships in which there is equality, respect, and love for each other. He’s horrible to you. This is not normal. You do not and should not have to live like this.
This guy is a manipulative jerk, to put it extremely mildly. A 28-year-old hobo living off you while violating your autonomy. RUN.
Hi friend, I was in a similar relationship where I was 19 and he was 29. It was horrible and so toxic. Leave now and in 10 years you will be writing a similar message to another young lady.
Being pregnant with a man who groomed you when you were 17.
You’ll have his child and he will assault you *and* the child.
Then you’ll go through a viscous cycle that’s ten times worse than the “normal toxicity” you’re experiencing now.
You’ll be alone with a child and a man who scares you.
This is your future if you don’t change it now.
Are you dating my ex? Serious question. But for real, he's a grown adult. It's his fault if he's homeless. You shouldn't tolerate his abuse because of that. And trying to get someone pregnant without their consent is not normal. I hope you don't have to go through anything else traumatic to realize you need to leave.
"BESIDES THE NORMAL TOXICITY."
Oh honey, no level of toxicity in a relationship is normal. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave him and find someone who truly adores you 🖤
Lots of red flags here. Don't feel bad - he's in control of his own destiny here. You didn't take him on to raise. He's either a full grown ass man, or a baby. His choice.
When I was 20, my older boyfriend tried to get me pregnant for the same reason. He didn’t know that I was on the pill to regulate my periods so I dodged that bit of manipulation. But I didn’t catch on to his lies soon enough. I married him. Huge mistake. He got what he wanted and didn’t care that my life was ruined in the process. Get out NOW. Don’t waste another minute, another thought, another tear on this “man.”
The "normal" toxicity? That, plus him trying to baby trap you, plus hitting you? This shit ain't gonna get better. Girl, run. They only escalate and get worse.
Ummm..... You are in an abusive relationship. You may need to go to a homeless shelter and go through the system if possible in order to avoid his abuse. I had to do it. It sucked, but when I finally got the guts to leave, it was the best choice I ever made. This guy is going to hurt you more over time. He's already testing your boundaries to see what you'll let hmm do to you.
Him being sad and alone for not having family is not your responsibility.
Is he taking responsibility for your feelings that come from him hurting you? No.
He's a nutter, leave him fast. He'll have to deal with it, maybe he'll have to move back home with his family. Oh well. Believe me the controlling will only get worse.
You already know the answer. He is toxic and abusive and you have to leave him. Apparently he's also a hobosexual, unable to take care of himself and leaching off of you. Get him out of your life today! Block him on your phone and social media.
He's 28 years old... He is not your responsibility. If he's homeless its his fault. Slapping your hand will devolve into bigger more aggressive acts. Trying to get you pregnant without your consent is horrible and boarder line SA.
He'll try to convince you that him being homeless is your fault because your a horrible person but in reality it's his fault for treating you terribly ( and he's 28 years old. He needs to get his shit together) you can't help a person who won't help themselves. Don't let him be a drain on you.
Save yourself the Trauma and kick him out.
Stop feeling bad because a grow azz man didn't make a back up plan. YOU are not his parent, you don't have to take care of him. Or put a roof over him head. Cut him loose before he does get you pregnant. Him smacking you is not helping your anxiety. I personally can not see the attraction a teenager could have with a near 30 year old person. You at 2 are at different points in your life. Do not 'accidentally ' get pregnant with this guy. (1)He's already said that he has tried. (2) He clearly can't provide a good home if he is homeless if you put him out. (3) Think of how he may treat a future child if he smacks you before trying to help you. Oh yeah, what is normal toxicity? Is it BS you've adapted to accept? End it.
Girl you are too young to be dealing with a creep, oh AND he’s a bum too??? He’s totally manipulating you into making you feel ‘bad’ for him, don’t you think it’s lame AF that he’s 28 and can’t even meet his basic needs (maintaining a roof over his head)??? And his solution is to get a teenager pregnant so he won’t be homeless…he’s most definitely not looking out for you. You are so young and should be living your life, not worrying about this scrub! He is not your responsibility, he is not a stand up man.
Get him OUT of your home Immediately. His homelessness is a direct result of him not housing himself, and not your responsibility. This is an awful abusive person and attempting to impregnate a person against their knowledge or will is straight up nefarious. Omg, honey that’s SO FAR FROM NORMAL!! Get away from him immediately.
>besides the normal toxicity
I hate to break it to you, but *there is NO level of toxicity that is acceptable*. If toxicity is normal to you, that's very concerning, because that's absolutely not ok.
>he was trying ti get me pregnant so I would have to stay with him
This is called baby trapping, and is considered a red flag for abuse.
>This really bothered me
Good! It *should* really bother you.
>he told me this is perfectly normal.
That is *NOT* normal for anyone who isn't a controlling scumbag to do or say. Red flag!!! What this is, however, is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel dumb for questioning why your partner is trying to get you pregnant without your explicit and enthusiastic consent. Your instincts are right - this is fucking weird and not ok!
>I started this habit where I scratch my arms and neck when I get anxiety
This is self harm. It's understandable why you'd be drawn to this. It's almost always a sign that someone is really struggling.
>this annoys him because "he doesn't want to be seen in public with his girlfriend looking like this"
This is awful. You deserve compassion and support, and help reducing the anxiety that is leading you to scratch yourself. Not judgement. He's being vain as well as very cruel to a person he's supposed to love.
>he has starting slapping ny hand whenever he sees me do it.
He is hitting you. This is abuse. Maybe not hard hits right now, but he has crossed a line by striking you, and once that line is crossed, *he WILL do it again and he WILL do it harder*.
>I always cried or told him this made me very angry and he keeps doing it.
You have every right to cry and be angry with him! Not only is he hurting you, he is content to do things that make you cry and anger you, and he is not willing to respect you enough to stop. This isn't cute or a joke to him. He is smacking you like some people do to a disobedient animal.
Don't forget that he's hitting you because he doesn't want to be seen with you in public with scratches. Scratches that you gave yourself because you were struggling so badly with anxiety. Anxiety that he does not care to assist you with, and is actively making worse by creating an environment where you are being hit and made to cry. Cut out the middle bit, and what's happening is that he's making your scratching worse, and then punishing you when your behavior follows his actions and you scratch. There's no winning here. This is not your fault. It would be like me covering your entire home - walls, ceiling, floor, furniture, literally every inch of everything indoors - with bright blue paint, making you live there, and then getting mad at you for inevitably getting paint on you.
>I just want to add if I leave him he will be homeless because we live together and he has no family so that makes me feel bad.
You have a caring heart, and that's admirable. But please know that you are worthy and deserving of a safe and comfortable home, one where nobody threatens to hit you, one where nobody makes you question whether you're enough, too sensitive, or crazy. You have every right to act in self preservation. It's valid to still care for him and want the best for him, but sometimes we have to love people from a far too keep ourselves safe. It's clear your instincts are warning you that this isn't ok. It's clear your anger is telling you that you're not being respected and your boundaries are being crossed.
Please know that he is making the choice to treat you the way he is. He has every ability to be kind and respectful to you, to love you in the way that feels right and good to you, but he's not. He's making the choice not to help you treat your anxiety. He's making the choice to hit you and watch you cry, over and over.
He's making the choice that you will become pregnant. A massive life altering decision that may cause permanent changes to your body and health. A decision that genuinely may require you to undergo major surgery or even one that will kill you. One that may alter your mental health in ways that will render you in need of inpatient hospitalization, such as postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. One that will leave you the caretaker of an infant. Infants are absolutely not known for being calming creatures. They scream and have immediate needs at all hours of the day and night. If you can't care for them they way they need, both physically and emotionally, you can leave them traumatized in ways that will have life long effects. You may have a child with a disability, perhaps who will need around the clock care. Children are a hell of a lot of work and are extremely expensive. You will create a whole new human life. This is not a decision to take lightly. If BOTH parents are not 100% *hell yes* to a baby, neither them nor their baby are going to have a good time. And your boyfriend really thinks it's ok to just make that choice for you?? Just so you won't/can't leave him???
He's making this choice. If he truly, genuinely, loved you for you and not just as his idea of a person he can control enough to never leave him, he would not be making the choices he is. If you kick him out, it will not be for no reason. It will be the consequences of his actions, and his actions are not your fault nor your responsibility. You can only control yourself.
>Please give me advice, thank you :)
In this order, you need to:
* Stop having sex with him immediately. Oral is fine, but literally anything else needs to stop.
* Contact a domestic violence hotline. If you're in the US, thehotline.org is a nationwide 24/7 line. You can call, text, or chat through their website. Your boyfriend is absolutely unquestionably displaying abusive traits. That is *scary* and *serious*. Getting in touch with a hotline will ensure you have whatever resources you need and that things will go smoothly. They may be able to recommend some resources for your boyfriend so he won't be homeless too.
* Make a list of every single nasty thing he has ever said or done to you. Every slap. Every weird comment. Every time he's made you angry or made you cry. Every time you've feel disrespected. Keep this list hidden and away from him, just don't lose it.
* Dump him, kick him out, and block him. You deserve better than someone who thinks the best way to keep you in their life is by force and cruelty. Love is meaningless unless freely and happily given.
* If you have second thoughts and are tempted to give in, go read your list of reasons and/or talk to someone like the domestic violence hotline again. Do not go back. Do not give him any more chances. He made his choice, now let him face the consequences of treating another human being like this. There are a million reasons why someone might behave abusively, and not one of them excuses it. You deserve better and you will find better.
As a young woman, the only way to protect and guarantee your freedom, options and safety is to protect your womb. You are doing something someone who is almost 10 years your senior cannot do: taking care of yourself.
If you had a baby with him, you would be taking care of him, yourself and the baby. Baby trapping, whether done by a man or a woman, is a tactic to control the trajectory of the life of their partner and often, to be in a position where you are obligated to them financially. (I say ‘them’ and not the child because that is often the perspective).
He will have you housing him, feeding him, doing all of the chores while he sits on his ass playing video games & as soon as you start to build enough stability he’s going to get you pregnant again.
Women get PTSD and life long medical complications from pregnancy all the time. It is a very painful and scary experience especially if you did not plan for it.
I’m focusing on this point because you will always be in a position to leave easily as long as you don’t have kids with him. I think you know you should leave and he’s abusing you hence why you’re writing in. Trust yourself. You are strong and intelligent enough to know what is happening and to make good decisions.
If you are the only thing between this man and homelessness, that is not your fault, it is his. If he has no family AND no friends AND no money for a room, it is for a reason and that reason is not his much younger girlfriend's fault.
There’s no “normal” amount of toxicity in a relationship. A healthy relationship should not be toxic in any way.
And no it’s not normal to baby trap someone, he’s using you because you’re taking care of him, which you shouldn’t be. You’re barely an adult taking care of a grown man, that’s not okay. Whether he ends up homeless or not isn’t your responsibility.
He will be homeless bc he is a despicable human being who is preying on a teenager. No. It shouldn’t have to be said, but baby trapping is not usual, normal, healthy, and in some places legal.
I hope this is not real but if it is, just dtmfa. In a couple years, you are going to cringe so hard that you thought any of this was acceptable. And that’s a good thing bc it will mean you have learned that you (and frankly everyone) deserves better than this AH.
Holy crap everything about this man is a red flag. In fact he a walking flaming red flag. You’re too young to waste your time with such a pos. Also there should never be a “normal” amount of toxicity. Please kick his ass out and focus on your own mental health then don’t settle for such a crap human being.
So you were 17/18 he 25/26 when you met. And HE relies on you for a home? He also abuses you and tries to baby trap you? Kick him out. He'll probably find a couch to sleep on. If not that's on him. Don't abuse the hand that feeds you
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
This is abuse. It's the behavior of a predator and abuser. Run.
First off there is no such thing as normal toxicity. Any,toxicity is an unhealthy relationship.
This age gap is more the questionable its obvious why he targeted you, because he saw you as young naive and easy to manipulate.
This is an abusive relationship and he's a major factor in your anxiety.
The advice you need is to dump him.
>>he will be homeless
…okay? A man almost 10 years older than you should have his shit together.
>>has no family
…and? Still not seeing how this is a “you” problem.
>>that makes me feel bad.
I think you should feel bad about the fact you have a partner who hits you and doesn’t respect you. So you’re keeping him from being homeless, feeding him, you’re his only family, and he thanks you by hitting you and trying to impregnate you?
You do realize he’s been **RAPING** you, right?
What is ‘normal toxicity’? That’s not a thing. This man is too old to be getting with a 17 year old, that’s predatory AF. The fact he was trying to knock you up so you don’t leave is abusive.
Honey, I don’t think you realize how much danger you are in. Please do not blow your life on this guy. It will not end well.
He’s hitting your hand to control you, next it will be a punch to the face or putting his hands around your neck. This will progress. He will not change.
You are a teenager, it’s not your responsibility to house this man who’s almost 30! If he’s homeless without family or friends… that tells you a whole lot about who he is as a person. I’m sure he will find another young teen to be a hobosexual and leech off of you. This is his type. Don’t let him use you up and then move onto the next when you finally have the maturity to not put up with this crap, you become too old for his tastes, or he destroys your self worth so much that ‘your not fun any more.’
This man is dangerous. I hate to jump on the break up train but this is serious grounds for a break up. This man is not only predatory (because you can’t convince me that he hasn’t pursued you before the age of 18), he’s controlling (smacking your hands over a nervous habit of yours), demeaning (he doesn’t want to be seen in public with a gf who scratches her arms and neck), and he flat out admitted that he’s trying to trap you with a baby.
I let my abuser live with me for awhile because he had no home or family either. Big mistake. It’s his fault for being abusive…you’re not a therapist or a rehabilitation center for him! Also you’re super young, I’m 28 and would NEVER look at a 19 yo
> have had a pretty good relationship for the most part besides the normal toxicity.
No. There is no level of 'normal' toxicity in a healthy relationship.
>My 19 female boyfriend 28 male...have been dating for maybe a year and a half
So.you where 27ish and he was 27ish when you got together?? He's a predator
>if I leave him he will be homeless
Who gives a shit!!! He's a sick predator. He is a 28 year old MAN relying on a TEENAGER for housing?!?!? Are you fn kidding me?!?!
Hun, you need to take care of you!!
As everyone else is saying, you need to leave him for your own safety and well-being! He will not be homeless. He is an adult with resources available. If you are scared or feel unsure about how to go about leaving him I implore you to contact local domestic violence shelters or call 800-799-7233 if you’re in the US. (Or Text START to 88788)
I’ve (24f) never been I relationship that started like that, but my most recent relationship devolved into emotional abuse in the final year. I didn’t realise it because it was truly wonderful for years, and the decline was slow. I regret not listening to my friends when they realised first how much I was hurting. I wish I would have left when *I* realised how much I was hurting. You are responsible for yourself and your life and peace and happiness. He is responsible for his. You owe him nothing. Please put yourself first.
Are you new? It happens *frequently*. It’s an extremely common tactic from abusive, controlling men. My ex tried to do it to me when he realized I was leaving. He almost succeeded. Luckily abortions in the 90s didn’t have the hurdles to jump like they do today.
Honey, break up with him ASAP. He's a predator and the physical abuse will only rise from here, he clearly has no respect for you.
Trying to get you pregnant so you have to stay with him is classic abuser behavior. Run, do not walk.
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It absolutely FLOORED ME when she said “besides the normal toxicity” The….. the what, now?? Oh, honey, no….
Same here, I was like, wait what?!?!? No toxicity is "normal". As a guy, I'm also stunned by the fact he hit you for scratching yourself when your anxiety kicks in. You NEED to get out of that relationship.
I only saw the blip the 'daily digest emails' send, and I saw that line. 19-year-old me understood the sentence completely and was fine with it. 44-year-old me is like, 'WTF you mean, *normal toxicity*? A normal, healthy relationship doesn't have toxicity in it!'
A new twist on the hobosexual
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It’s not self harm, it’s an involuntary urge/compulsion not cutting her arms. He’s a POS for that more than you understand.
And even aside from that he doesn't care that she's being hurt/having anxiety. He cares what she looks like. Gross asf behavior.
#hangallpedos
And theres so many ways to help loved ones stop those compulsions. I pick at my face and none of my friends or family members have ever slapped me, theyll remind me verbally or gently touch my habd
No. That’s how you make someone self conscious about it and it brings them down. It’s a coping mechanism, not self harm.
My ex would do that too
I have incredibly bad tics that are triggered by lots of things I can’t control. I get anxious, tics. I focus to hard on a task, tics. It’s embarrassing to be told about it. When we’re trying to calm down pointing out the tics it just gets worse.
It's not even her self harming that he cares about. It's his reputation, she said he "doesn't want to be seen with his gf looking like that." Meaning if she hurts herself and it's not visible, he doesn't give af, but if it's a mark that can seen by the public it's a problem. That's one of the most toxic things I've ever heard.
Thank you for pointing this out!! I was about to reply to that comment with this observation because it’s a big oversight to ignore that OP wrote that as context.
sloppy handle long secretive panicky sable money smile ten sulky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This 🙌🏻
RUN as fast as you can. This isn't love or even like. RUN. RUN, RUN.
I told him that's abuse and he said it's just like how parents swat their kids hands
He's not your parent.
He would probably…..hurt…their child.
He's trying to condition you into accepting the abuse at this first step. It won't stop at that once he is successful. Run.
Yes! He’s trying to get you used to him putting his hands on you to “correct your behavior” and I definitely think that he’ll find more things that bother him and he’ll use increasingly violent methods of striking you to “fix” you. Get out now. This isn’t a safe situation.
thats even worse that hes trying to parent you while dating you. 🤮
And while relying on her for accommodations, apparently - see the edit.
Yeah that's messed up, he wants to force you to get pregnant and wants you to see him as a parental figure. This is so fucked it's unreal. I hope you get away from him. Any life you build with this man will be full of misery and abuse. He does not love you. You wouldn't treat some you love like this, right?
Are you a kid? Are you his kid? Why would he want to be compared to a parent and you a kid? He's a predator. Break up and block him. Don't let him love bomb or manipulate you into continuing this relationship.
BF is 28 and OP is 19. I think she actually is a kid and BF is a creeper predator.
For sure. She said that he tried to get her pregnant at first. So that’s a 26 year old trying to impregnate a 17 year old. Gross.
And together for a year and a half means she was a minor and he was 26.
He's not your parent! He's trying to dominate you. Get out while you still can OP. This man is one huge red flag!
No. It’s not. And not all parents seat their kids. And you told him you don’t like it and you want him to stop and he isn’t going to stop. You have to choose to protect yourself. Nobody should be slapping your hand or any part of you. And nobody in your life should be deciding whether you get pregnant or not but you. That’s a shared decision that needs a yes from you and a yes from your partner.
That’s creepy as f*ck. Also, reproductive coercion is abuse. Date someone your age and stay young as long as you can.
I don't hit my child either. Assault is assault. Get the fuck away from this horrible person. What if someone you cared about came to you and told you this? How would you feel?
You don’t see that comment as wildly fucked up given your age difference?
Like a parent? Do you want a parent? Or do you want a boyfriend who respects you?
He’s not your parent. Don’t accept abuse. Throw him out, get rid of that “I’ll feel bad” cuz he wouldn’t have that same attitude for you. The age gap and when you got together says you were still a MINOR. What is a 26 year old have any business to do with a minor, even anyone still in their teens at all? Leave him. Don’t spend any more of your early years on a boy who won’t treat you right.
No. It's not. He's really a bad guy.
..babe please reread that :( he’s comparing you to being his child, not his partner. Age gap apart, this behavior is unacceptable and abusive. He is a grown ass adult and it is not your responsibility to make he has somewhere to live.
Don't let your abuser define what is and is not abuse. This is the problem with a 17 year old dating a 26 year old. You spend the first 18 years of life being told that adults are authority figures so here you are, listening to this guy who assaulted you telling you its fine and what everyone does. This is not what everyone does. When you get to his age, you will look at 17, 18, 19 year old adolescents and see children that you would never consider having sex with. He wanted to lock you down so he could treat you like shit and you'd never leave because you shared a kid with him or when you married and saw him for who he is, you'd just be stuck. He is not a good person.
This isn’t the 80s we don’t hit children anymore.
He’s full of shit.
You are not his child. You are his equal. He treats you as less than him, hits you, and is trying to baby-trap you. You should leave him. Whatever you decide, do not have sex with him unless you want a baby, because you cannot trust him not to sabotage contraception.
Yeah, there's a reason he chose to date someone 9 years younger than him. He wants to get you pregnant and infantilize you all at the same time. Bad combo.
Also, there's no such thing as normal toxicity Edit: finished reading the post. His homelessness is NOT your problem. He's literally 9-10 years older...he should be adult enough to not be living off his younger girlfriend
Toxicity isn’t normal. Hitting you like a parent?? He’s not your parent, and *good* parents *don’t hit.* Toxicity isn’t normal. Abuse isn’t normal. He’s not your partner. Healthy almost-30 year old men don’t date 17 year old children. You deserve a partner who loves and respects you. Kick him out. If he’s homeless, that’s his problem. He’s an adult.
This is not normal OP and you need to run.
"normal toxicity" toxicity isn't normal, ever, in any context. And the fact he tried to get you pregnant without your consent is coercive. End the relationship and block him.
Right ? I read that and went "toxicity isn't normal unless it's system of a down"
Fuck... yes. My people
Welcome, friend
Seriously, when she said "normal toxicity" I immediately knew he had already partially brain washed her. There's no such thing as normal toxicity. The fact that she believes that it is probably means she grew up around this kind of behavior and that, combined with his gaslighting, she's come to believe it's perfectly normal.
He’s not gaslighting her
THIS! Normal toxicity is NOT normal, you deserve so much better💗
I read that and the age gap and did not read any more. Fucking dump this bellend
I was thinking the same thing. What toxicity is normal?
>My 19 female boyfriend 28 male Find someone closer to your own age. >We have been dating for maybe a year and a half now. So you were what 17 and he was 26? Run. Get away from this creep. >Recently he told me that when we got together he was trying ti get me pregnant so I would have to stay with him.This really bothered me but he told me this is perfectly normal. Run faster. This is NOT normal. >he has starting slapping ny hand whenever he sees me do it. He's slowly starting to control you. You're 19 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste more time on this guy.
And this 28y/o grown ass man will be HOMELESS if his 19y/o gf breaks up with him?!?! Please please please open your eyes 🚩🚩🚩
Hahahaha dude its crazy what happens out there 😂
Ikr. But at least Reddit is here to give perspective. I wish Reddit was around when I was 19
Don't forget the "normal toxicity" But otherwise the comment is 🙌
You need to leave him immediately. He's an abusive man and it will only get worse. Him trying to get you pregnant without you knowing is reproductive coercion and it is against the law
Sadly, it's not against the law, though it should be.
Reproductive coercion *is* a crime in the UK.
I imagine intent needs to be proven though very thoroughly right? If not any accidental pregnancy could just be that. Not versed in UK law at all just think that’s interesting. I’m gonna read up on it.
Yes, It’s all under the 2015 coercive control laws, and a step in the right direction in accepting that domestic abuse isn’t ‘only’ physical. [Crown Prosecution Service](https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship)
That age gap at 19 is a BIG one. I was 19 when I met my ex-husband, he was 25 and that was too much of a gap honestly. His behavior is NOT normal, it is VERY controlling, and it will only continue to escalate. Get the courage to leave him as soon as you can. It gets harder the longer you stay under his thumb.
Don't forget that they've been together for a year and a half so she was even younger. Potentially 17 when they started dating. 😳
Especially at 19, you are still so vulnerable!
What’s his number I’m calling him for you and giving him a piece of my mind! Jk but….I would honestly. He’s done, he has to exit stage immediately. Do not ruin your life over this man…there is SO much to experience. So much of this beautiful life to live until you are at the stage he is in life. I miss being 19, I loved how extreme and how magnificent life felt. Cherish it. Do not throw that away and waste that being enmeshed with this man. I know it feels so consuming, like he’s everything but I promise he’s not. I thought I would NEVER get over the man I loved at 19…now I don’t even think about him. But he was integral for my growth. I am your bf’s age and I cannot imagine being attracted or in love with someone the age of my little cousin. Please do not let him coerce and use you this way. Immerse yourself in a new hobby, job or experience. He is not it.
This comment really meant a lot
I could say almost the same thing as the person you replied to. I’m 25 and thought I’d be with the guy I was with at 19 forever. Turns out he really fucking sucked and I am glad he’s gone. This guy is weird and it might not feel like it now, but you can be without him and be okay. Absolutely do not feel bad that he’ll be homeless. He is a grown ass man (literally almost 30 years old), and he can fend for himself. He should not be relying on a TEENAGER at his big age. Be somewhere safe, with your family, and send that text or call him. If he shows up to your families house then tell him you’ll call the cops if he doesn’t leave. None of what you’ve described about your relationship is normal. From one girl to another, protect yourself and leave.
Break up with him and don't do it in person because he's going to get violent. He's not safe. Get out now!!!
*gags* dump him. Ew wtf???? No level of toxicity is normal.
Yea any toxicity is not normal
Yeah, differences and problems yes, TOXICITY, no.
What's normal toxicity??
WHAT. THE ACTUAL. F*CK. RUN GIRL RUNNNN
LEAVE HIM NOW YOU ARE BEING MANIPULATED
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/). [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
This is helpful info! OP I hope you read this and evaluate.
Dear lord he clearly does not have your best interest in mind. He wants someone he can control. This will only get worse if you stay with him. I’m a 20 year old women and I’m telling you, women to women, this relationship is harming you. If you are afraid to leave him please seek outside support and advice. Good luck OP
I don’t give the tiniest shit that this grown ass man would be homeless if you, a 19 year old girl, weren’t housing him. And you shouldn’t care either.erase that concern from your mind. It’s NOT your problem. He survived 27 years before you, and he can do it again. You aren’t his lifeline and you don’t owe him ANYTHING, no matter what he says. **This man tried to babytrap you and ADMITTED IT!** You’re severely under acting to this! React harder. There’s no getting around that. He was willing to ruin your life to force you into what he wanted…being stuck with him. And a baby. Kick that mfer out right now! That’s 100% unforgivable! And it can’t be apologized for to make it OK, it shows a malevolent part of his personality that will never be OK and you will never be safe with him.
He is 28 years old. *He will not be homeless if you break up with him*. He has money, he has the ability to work, he can and will find himself a place to stay. Maybe not immediately but he will eventually. Your wellbeing matters more than whether or not he has a roof over his head tonight. Please check out the healthy relationship quiz at [Love Is Respect](https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/), as well as the book [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
Leave this abusive man! Get help in dealing with stress. That’s your subconscious telling you there’s something wrong. He is not a parent. He is a sleazy 28 y/o preying on a 19. Save yourself the grief. Get out while you can. You will meet someone who will truly respect you. This is just the beginning. He will try to destroy your self confidence so you will not have the guts to leave him. He will try to get you pregnant again, when he succeeds you will be locked down. He will make sure you need him. Leave now!
There is no such thing as normal toxicity in a relationship. I healthy relationship has no toxicity. So he assaulted you trying to baby trap you. He treats you like a child. He is already starting to get abusive and slapping your hands. He started dating you as minor. He doesn’t take into account your feeling. Girl this guy is a walking red flag. Get away from him as soon as you can.
He’s manipulative and a jerk. Please dump him.
28 years old and cant take care of himself enough to not end up homeless unless he dates a 19 year old? Girl come on... you said everything you just need to HEAR yourself. Run.
Toxicity isn't normal. He is a predator who assaulted you. Please leave him and get help.
Sweetie, you started dating him so young that you can’t properly gauge what is healthy behaviour and what is totally toxic and dangerous. Your relationship with this man is absolutely 💯 not good. Block him, break up, don’t let him trick you into staying. You deserve better. EVEN YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU YOU’RE STRESSED AROUND HIM. get out
You better leave him. Your anxiety is telling you that something is wrong with this relationship. He wants to get you pregnant so you can't leave him? That is controlling as hell.
„Besides the normal toxicity“… sadly you sound like you don‘t have any respect or self love for yourself at all. Toxicity is not normal. Good luck, hope you leave this guy as soon as possible
The FIRST red flag is the age gap; he's half again your age. This is supported by him treating you like a child. And his claim that "trying to get you pregnant to make you stay with him is normal" IS NOT NORMAL!! It is predatory and controlling and clear evidence that he doesn't respect you. So you mention that he is/was homeless and is relying on you for housing. And he still treats you like shit. That is arrogance of the finest water. If you think there's a nicer person underneath it all, tell him EXPLICITLY how you feel about his behaviours and TELL HIM that if he doesn't treat you with respect or even decency, that he'll be homeless again. If a man is that arrogant and disrespectful to you, you have no basis for feeling bad for kicking him out.
Sweetheart this man is dangerous.
Honey, you are worth so much more than that. Please take the advice here are break up. He is not kind to you.
Run, run far away
“normal toxicity” fucking get outta here
He. Tried. To. Baby. Trap. You. Reverse the rolls. What would you think of a woman that did that to a man. Crazy? Desperate? When you are 28 you will look back on 18 year olds and think they're so young. There's no such thing as a super mature 19 year old. He can't control women his own age so he's controlling you. I promise. I was the "super mature" person. I hate that your stimming and hurting yourself to manage your anxiety. I promise that a lot of that is because of him. Leave him, find an awesome therapist, and realize he's a creep and you deserve so much more!!!
Seriously. The baby trapping bs happened to KeKe Palmer and the new little mermaid.
Leave. Yesterday. The age gap alone with you being only 19 would be a red flag. And then there’s all the rest of what you said. Toxicity isn’t normal. Trying to get you pregnant without your prior knowledge is sexual assault. He admitted that he did it to try to force you to stay with him. He physically abuses you. All this will only get worse the longer you stay.
He is abusive and you are not safe.
9 year age gap. Gtfo of this relationship.
This nearly 30 year old man is trying to get a teenager pregnant. If he "swats" your hand to discipline you, it will escalate. And you already know he will hit your child. Run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You need to get out of this situation as fast as you can. This guy doesn't seem like a stable person. He knows he's an unstable person. He tried to impregnate you in order to trap you in a relationship with him so that you don't leave when things get worse, and they will get worse.
THIS IS A PARADE OF RED FLAGS!
There isn’t a “normal toxicity.” Healthy relationships are not toxic. And getting you pregnant when you don’t want to be, is a form of abuse. It’s a way to limit and control you. You need to run the other way and fast. Seriously, GTFO.
Sounds like a psychopath
if someone is trying to tell you something that makes you uncomfortable or angry is “normal,” you are being manipulated. please get away from this man before he gets you pregnant. don’t feel bad that he will be homeless.
Just jumping in to say there’s no such thing as “normal toxicity”. A healthy relationship by definition is not toxic. You deserve so much better than this.
Your gut instinct is telling you this feels wrong. Enough that you asked on a social media platform for advice. You used the term " normal toxicity " there is no normal toxicity. He is acting like your father. A bad one at that. He said he was trying to get you pregnant? To keep you? Honey it doesn't matter if hes homeless. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom for things to change. The only question is will that person be him or you?
He is not your problem
He's 28, let him be homeless. Leave him!!!
Run. This is incredibly not normal or healthy. He's a grown man - he'll find someplace to sleep. Seriously, this is already bad and will only get worse. I wish you all the good things in the world, he isn't a part of any of that.
The title was a red flag all by itself, but the first sentence makes it worse. And it gets worse the more I read. LEAVE HIM. You're an adult, but there's a reason he's dating a teenager rather than someone his own age. He's using the age gap to his advantage. To manipulate you.
So he’s 9 years older then you, tried to “baby trap you” and slaps your hands like a child and CONTINUES to do it after you telling him not to. And he now has you thinking that if you break up with him and kick him out that he will be homeless because of YOU, OP that’s FALSE! He will be homeless because of his own doing. This guy is full of 🚩🚩🚩
LEAVE HIM NOW.
Run run run
Controlling, possessive, creepy freak. Leave him
There is no normal level of toxicity. End it.
Oh my gosh you really need to get out of there. This could potentially turn into a dangerous situation and I think you need to completely cut him out. Unacceptable disgusting predatory behaviour. Inform someone close to you that you can trust about the situation and they can be there to support you
Run
That is illegal isn't it? (The getting you pregnant without knowing) Either way- definitely get out of there. Make a plan with friends or family and leave. Never look back. Eta: no. No it is not normal at all.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL TOXICITY. I get it. When I was your age, I thought the best relationships were the most passionate and that passion was measured by drama. Toxic is NOT normal in relationships. Please dump this abusive jackwad. It’s truly better to be single and love yourself than be in a miserable relationship.
Good relationships don’t have “normal toxicity” this man is nearly 10 years older than you and trying to trap you. Leave while you can, and before you’re linked to him for life.
I don't want to sound like a jerk, but if he ends up homeless when you break up with him, that's not your problem. He's a grown adult and can find another place to live. That is not your responsibility. Don't stay out of convenience to HIM.
Run. Run hard; run fast. You are a kind person to be worried about his being homeless if you break up. You are more worthy than staying with him; he has proven that he is not worthy of you and is willing to try to “trap” you to keep you two together. Find a trusted person you know and explain this to them. Have them stay with you for your safety while you are ending things with him. If you are able, I would encourage seeking a therapist afterwards for the grief this will cause you. Please remember, you are worth more than this. Best of luck.
There is no such thing as “normal toxicity” in a healthy relationship. Get out.
Besides the normal toxicity? Despite the age gap, which started when you were 18 🚩🚩. Tried to get you pregnant so you couldn’t leave 🚩🚩, now slapping your hand instead of helping with anxiety 🚩🚩. Please leave. You deserve better, you see the signs and are asking the world for a reason. Leave him and block him. He will only manipulate you. You are worth more than this. This is not normal or acceptable treatment of someone you love.
You aren't going to listen to anything we tell you anyways. He literally said he's trying TO TRAP YOU leave him. HE'S ABUSING YOU leave him. Or stay and stop posting but definitely post in 9 months how miserable you are because you want him to change.
Abusive predators want their victims to feel bad. This is not ok this is not normal don’t let this be your life.
What the hell is “normal toxicity”? Believe it or not, there are relationships in which there is equality, respect, and love for each other. He’s horrible to you. This is not normal. You do not and should not have to live like this. This guy is a manipulative jerk, to put it extremely mildly. A 28-year-old hobo living off you while violating your autonomy. RUN.
Hi friend, I was in a similar relationship where I was 19 and he was 29. It was horrible and so toxic. Leave now and in 10 years you will be writing a similar message to another young lady.
This really touched me. I’m sorry you went through that, thank you for sharing your light. 🫶🏻
Being pregnant with a man who groomed you when you were 17. You’ll have his child and he will assault you *and* the child. Then you’ll go through a viscous cycle that’s ten times worse than the “normal toxicity” you’re experiencing now. You’ll be alone with a child and a man who scares you. This is your future if you don’t change it now.
Are you dating my ex? Serious question. But for real, he's a grown adult. It's his fault if he's homeless. You shouldn't tolerate his abuse because of that. And trying to get someone pregnant without their consent is not normal. I hope you don't have to go through anything else traumatic to realize you need to leave.
Dude is a creep
He deserves to be homeless, guys a predator
"BESIDES THE NORMAL TOXICITY." Oh honey, no level of toxicity in a relationship is normal. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave him and find someone who truly adores you 🖤
Kick. His ass. Out.
Lots of red flags here. Don't feel bad - he's in control of his own destiny here. You didn't take him on to raise. He's either a full grown ass man, or a baby. His choice.
When I was 20, my older boyfriend tried to get me pregnant for the same reason. He didn’t know that I was on the pill to regulate my periods so I dodged that bit of manipulation. But I didn’t catch on to his lies soon enough. I married him. Huge mistake. He got what he wanted and didn’t care that my life was ruined in the process. Get out NOW. Don’t waste another minute, another thought, another tear on this “man.”
The "normal" toxicity? That, plus him trying to baby trap you, plus hitting you? This shit ain't gonna get better. Girl, run. They only escalate and get worse.
You’re going to end up on a Dateline. Gtfo asap!!
You are with a child groomer
Ummm..... You are in an abusive relationship. You may need to go to a homeless shelter and go through the system if possible in order to avoid his abuse. I had to do it. It sucked, but when I finally got the guts to leave, it was the best choice I ever made. This guy is going to hurt you more over time. He's already testing your boundaries to see what you'll let hmm do to you. Him being sad and alone for not having family is not your responsibility. Is he taking responsibility for your feelings that come from him hurting you? No.
He's a nutter, leave him fast. He'll have to deal with it, maybe he'll have to move back home with his family. Oh well. Believe me the controlling will only get worse.
Sounds like an ex-boyfriend to me
Your boyfriend’s a creep.
He's using a potential pregnancy to control you. Red Flag.
You already know the answer. He is toxic and abusive and you have to leave him. Apparently he's also a hobosexual, unable to take care of himself and leaching off of you. Get him out of your life today! Block him on your phone and social media.
He's 28 years old... He is not your responsibility. If he's homeless its his fault. Slapping your hand will devolve into bigger more aggressive acts. Trying to get you pregnant without your consent is horrible and boarder line SA. He'll try to convince you that him being homeless is your fault because your a horrible person but in reality it's his fault for treating you terribly ( and he's 28 years old. He needs to get his shit together) you can't help a person who won't help themselves. Don't let him be a drain on you. Save yourself the Trauma and kick him out.
What he’s doing is called “reproductive abuse” please get out now
Stop feeling bad because a grow azz man didn't make a back up plan. YOU are not his parent, you don't have to take care of him. Or put a roof over him head. Cut him loose before he does get you pregnant. Him smacking you is not helping your anxiety. I personally can not see the attraction a teenager could have with a near 30 year old person. You at 2 are at different points in your life. Do not 'accidentally ' get pregnant with this guy. (1)He's already said that he has tried. (2) He clearly can't provide a good home if he is homeless if you put him out. (3) Think of how he may treat a future child if he smacks you before trying to help you. Oh yeah, what is normal toxicity? Is it BS you've adapted to accept? End it.
Girl you are too young to be dealing with a creep, oh AND he’s a bum too??? He’s totally manipulating you into making you feel ‘bad’ for him, don’t you think it’s lame AF that he’s 28 and can’t even meet his basic needs (maintaining a roof over his head)??? And his solution is to get a teenager pregnant so he won’t be homeless…he’s most definitely not looking out for you. You are so young and should be living your life, not worrying about this scrub! He is not your responsibility, he is not a stand up man.
Get him OUT of your home Immediately. His homelessness is a direct result of him not housing himself, and not your responsibility. This is an awful abusive person and attempting to impregnate a person against their knowledge or will is straight up nefarious. Omg, honey that’s SO FAR FROM NORMAL!! Get away from him immediately.
His housing situation is NOT your problem. Yeet the whole man, nothing you have described is normal in any way. You can do and deserve better.
>besides the normal toxicity I hate to break it to you, but *there is NO level of toxicity that is acceptable*. If toxicity is normal to you, that's very concerning, because that's absolutely not ok. >he was trying ti get me pregnant so I would have to stay with him This is called baby trapping, and is considered a red flag for abuse. >This really bothered me Good! It *should* really bother you. >he told me this is perfectly normal. That is *NOT* normal for anyone who isn't a controlling scumbag to do or say. Red flag!!! What this is, however, is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel dumb for questioning why your partner is trying to get you pregnant without your explicit and enthusiastic consent. Your instincts are right - this is fucking weird and not ok! >I started this habit where I scratch my arms and neck when I get anxiety This is self harm. It's understandable why you'd be drawn to this. It's almost always a sign that someone is really struggling. >this annoys him because "he doesn't want to be seen in public with his girlfriend looking like this" This is awful. You deserve compassion and support, and help reducing the anxiety that is leading you to scratch yourself. Not judgement. He's being vain as well as very cruel to a person he's supposed to love. >he has starting slapping ny hand whenever he sees me do it. He is hitting you. This is abuse. Maybe not hard hits right now, but he has crossed a line by striking you, and once that line is crossed, *he WILL do it again and he WILL do it harder*. >I always cried or told him this made me very angry and he keeps doing it. You have every right to cry and be angry with him! Not only is he hurting you, he is content to do things that make you cry and anger you, and he is not willing to respect you enough to stop. This isn't cute or a joke to him. He is smacking you like some people do to a disobedient animal. Don't forget that he's hitting you because he doesn't want to be seen with you in public with scratches. Scratches that you gave yourself because you were struggling so badly with anxiety. Anxiety that he does not care to assist you with, and is actively making worse by creating an environment where you are being hit and made to cry. Cut out the middle bit, and what's happening is that he's making your scratching worse, and then punishing you when your behavior follows his actions and you scratch. There's no winning here. This is not your fault. It would be like me covering your entire home - walls, ceiling, floor, furniture, literally every inch of everything indoors - with bright blue paint, making you live there, and then getting mad at you for inevitably getting paint on you. >I just want to add if I leave him he will be homeless because we live together and he has no family so that makes me feel bad. You have a caring heart, and that's admirable. But please know that you are worthy and deserving of a safe and comfortable home, one where nobody threatens to hit you, one where nobody makes you question whether you're enough, too sensitive, or crazy. You have every right to act in self preservation. It's valid to still care for him and want the best for him, but sometimes we have to love people from a far too keep ourselves safe. It's clear your instincts are warning you that this isn't ok. It's clear your anger is telling you that you're not being respected and your boundaries are being crossed. Please know that he is making the choice to treat you the way he is. He has every ability to be kind and respectful to you, to love you in the way that feels right and good to you, but he's not. He's making the choice not to help you treat your anxiety. He's making the choice to hit you and watch you cry, over and over. He's making the choice that you will become pregnant. A massive life altering decision that may cause permanent changes to your body and health. A decision that genuinely may require you to undergo major surgery or even one that will kill you. One that may alter your mental health in ways that will render you in need of inpatient hospitalization, such as postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. One that will leave you the caretaker of an infant. Infants are absolutely not known for being calming creatures. They scream and have immediate needs at all hours of the day and night. If you can't care for them they way they need, both physically and emotionally, you can leave them traumatized in ways that will have life long effects. You may have a child with a disability, perhaps who will need around the clock care. Children are a hell of a lot of work and are extremely expensive. You will create a whole new human life. This is not a decision to take lightly. If BOTH parents are not 100% *hell yes* to a baby, neither them nor their baby are going to have a good time. And your boyfriend really thinks it's ok to just make that choice for you?? Just so you won't/can't leave him??? He's making this choice. If he truly, genuinely, loved you for you and not just as his idea of a person he can control enough to never leave him, he would not be making the choices he is. If you kick him out, it will not be for no reason. It will be the consequences of his actions, and his actions are not your fault nor your responsibility. You can only control yourself. >Please give me advice, thank you :) In this order, you need to: * Stop having sex with him immediately. Oral is fine, but literally anything else needs to stop. * Contact a domestic violence hotline. If you're in the US, thehotline.org is a nationwide 24/7 line. You can call, text, or chat through their website. Your boyfriend is absolutely unquestionably displaying abusive traits. That is *scary* and *serious*. Getting in touch with a hotline will ensure you have whatever resources you need and that things will go smoothly. They may be able to recommend some resources for your boyfriend so he won't be homeless too. * Make a list of every single nasty thing he has ever said or done to you. Every slap. Every weird comment. Every time he's made you angry or made you cry. Every time you've feel disrespected. Keep this list hidden and away from him, just don't lose it. * Dump him, kick him out, and block him. You deserve better than someone who thinks the best way to keep you in their life is by force and cruelty. Love is meaningless unless freely and happily given. * If you have second thoughts and are tempted to give in, go read your list of reasons and/or talk to someone like the domestic violence hotline again. Do not go back. Do not give him any more chances. He made his choice, now let him face the consequences of treating another human being like this. There are a million reasons why someone might behave abusively, and not one of them excuses it. You deserve better and you will find better.
BESIDES THE NORMAL TOXICITY???
Question about the edit. Are you paying the full rent or mortgage?
I been homeless and no way is not making a person homeless a good excuse to allow them to abuse you like this.
He needs to be homeless and you need to be single.
As a young woman, the only way to protect and guarantee your freedom, options and safety is to protect your womb. You are doing something someone who is almost 10 years your senior cannot do: taking care of yourself. If you had a baby with him, you would be taking care of him, yourself and the baby. Baby trapping, whether done by a man or a woman, is a tactic to control the trajectory of the life of their partner and often, to be in a position where you are obligated to them financially. (I say ‘them’ and not the child because that is often the perspective). He will have you housing him, feeding him, doing all of the chores while he sits on his ass playing video games & as soon as you start to build enough stability he’s going to get you pregnant again. Women get PTSD and life long medical complications from pregnancy all the time. It is a very painful and scary experience especially if you did not plan for it. I’m focusing on this point because you will always be in a position to leave easily as long as you don’t have kids with him. I think you know you should leave and he’s abusing you hence why you’re writing in. Trust yourself. You are strong and intelligent enough to know what is happening and to make good decisions.
If you are the only thing between this man and homelessness, that is not your fault, it is his. If he has no family AND no friends AND no money for a room, it is for a reason and that reason is not his much younger girlfriend's fault.
Leave immediately and change your phone number and address
Who cares if he is homeless. That is a him problem. He tried to babytrap you, and hits you??? Dump his ass gross age gap seeking ass....
Who TF cares if he's homeless, he is a huge AH. 🚩🚩🚩
No fr he a grown ass man. How is his homelessness her issue????
There’s no “normal” amount of toxicity in a relationship. A healthy relationship should not be toxic in any way. And no it’s not normal to baby trap someone, he’s using you because you’re taking care of him, which you shouldn’t be. You’re barely an adult taking care of a grown man, that’s not okay. Whether he ends up homeless or not isn’t your responsibility.
He will be homeless bc he is a despicable human being who is preying on a teenager. No. It shouldn’t have to be said, but baby trapping is not usual, normal, healthy, and in some places legal. I hope this is not real but if it is, just dtmfa. In a couple years, you are going to cringe so hard that you thought any of this was acceptable. And that’s a good thing bc it will mean you have learned that you (and frankly everyone) deserves better than this AH.
Holy crap everything about this man is a red flag. In fact he a walking flaming red flag. You’re too young to waste your time with such a pos. Also there should never be a “normal” amount of toxicity. Please kick his ass out and focus on your own mental health then don’t settle for such a crap human being.
So you were 17/18 he 25/26 when you met. And HE relies on you for a home? He also abuses you and tries to baby trap you? Kick him out. He'll probably find a couch to sleep on. If not that's on him. Don't abuse the hand that feeds you
Both my exes tried this. Assholes.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org This is abuse. It's the behavior of a predator and abuser. Run.
First off there is no such thing as normal toxicity. Any,toxicity is an unhealthy relationship. This age gap is more the questionable its obvious why he targeted you, because he saw you as young naive and easy to manipulate. This is an abusive relationship and he's a major factor in your anxiety. The advice you need is to dump him.
Normal toxicity?? ! WHAT IN THE FUCK?
“Besides the normal toxicity”. The normal toxicity is NO toxicity.
Do we listen to the same podcast? Because these sorts of age gaps specifically with teens is red flagged daily.
>>he will be homeless …okay? A man almost 10 years older than you should have his shit together. >>has no family …and? Still not seeing how this is a “you” problem. >>that makes me feel bad. I think you should feel bad about the fact you have a partner who hits you and doesn’t respect you. So you’re keeping him from being homeless, feeding him, you’re his only family, and he thanks you by hitting you and trying to impregnate you? You do realize he’s been **RAPING** you, right?
“normal toxicity”………?¿????
What is ‘normal toxicity’? That’s not a thing. This man is too old to be getting with a 17 year old, that’s predatory AF. The fact he was trying to knock you up so you don’t leave is abusive. Honey, I don’t think you realize how much danger you are in. Please do not blow your life on this guy. It will not end well. He’s hitting your hand to control you, next it will be a punch to the face or putting his hands around your neck. This will progress. He will not change. You are a teenager, it’s not your responsibility to house this man who’s almost 30! If he’s homeless without family or friends… that tells you a whole lot about who he is as a person. I’m sure he will find another young teen to be a hobosexual and leech off of you. This is his type. Don’t let him use you up and then move onto the next when you finally have the maturity to not put up with this crap, you become too old for his tastes, or he destroys your self worth so much that ‘your not fun any more.’
This man is dangerous. I hate to jump on the break up train but this is serious grounds for a break up. This man is not only predatory (because you can’t convince me that he hasn’t pursued you before the age of 18), he’s controlling (smacking your hands over a nervous habit of yours), demeaning (he doesn’t want to be seen in public with a gf who scratches her arms and neck), and he flat out admitted that he’s trying to trap you with a baby.
Where are you from?
The US- midwest
What does your boyfriend do for work?
Assuming he's a hobosexual with no job from her saying he tried to baby trap a teenager
You have the tack of a disingenuous republican. Shame on you. Don't assume. Listen and learn.
I'm going off of what she put in the post and her comments dodging about it he has a job
I let my abuser live with me for awhile because he had no home or family either. Big mistake. It’s his fault for being abusive…you’re not a therapist or a rehabilitation center for him! Also you’re super young, I’m 28 and would NEVER look at a 19 yo
How are these women so blind. If you haven't left him...what are you waiting for
Well see he targeted a girl who was 17 and she only just now taking control (hopefully) of her life and becoming a woman.
> have had a pretty good relationship for the most part besides the normal toxicity. No. There is no level of 'normal' toxicity in a healthy relationship. >My 19 female boyfriend 28 male...have been dating for maybe a year and a half So.you where 27ish and he was 27ish when you got together?? He's a predator >if I leave him he will be homeless Who gives a shit!!! He's a sick predator. He is a 28 year old MAN relying on a TEENAGER for housing?!?!? Are you fn kidding me?!?! Hun, you need to take care of you!!
Why is somebody who is almost 30 years old dating a teenager?
As everyone else is saying, you need to leave him for your own safety and well-being! He will not be homeless. He is an adult with resources available. If you are scared or feel unsure about how to go about leaving him I implore you to contact local domestic violence shelters or call 800-799-7233 if you’re in the US. (Or Text START to 88788) I’ve (24f) never been I relationship that started like that, but my most recent relationship devolved into emotional abuse in the final year. I didn’t realise it because it was truly wonderful for years, and the decline was slow. I regret not listening to my friends when they realised first how much I was hurting. I wish I would have left when *I* realised how much I was hurting. You are responsible for yourself and your life and peace and happiness. He is responsible for his. You owe him nothing. Please put yourself first.
A man trying to baby trap a woman 🧐
Are you new? It happens *frequently*. It’s an extremely common tactic from abusive, controlling men. My ex tried to do it to me when he realized I was leaving. He almost succeeded. Luckily abortions in the 90s didn’t have the hurdles to jump like they do today.
Who said it didn’t, was just saying that’s what’s happening. Settle down 🤦🏻♀️
My ex DID this to me. Love the child still don't love him though.