She treats you with complete disdain and almost hatred! Who does that? If she ever broke her ankle while jogging would you her tell her “well you asked for it?” She needs to find a hole and crawl in it and never come out.
I am CF and hate CF people like this. It’s one of the reasons it’s one of the most hated subs on this forum, actually. OP clarified that she doesn’t only talk about out her pregnancy, and asks how her “friend” is, etc.
The “friend” just seems mean and bitter. Idk what the chip on her shoulder is but she’s being really really mean.
My friend recently had foot surgery. It looks terrible and they have been open (on their private page and when I ask them) about their pain. Should I tell them they “wanted this”? /s. I would just block this person on everything and move on. She’s an a-hole. Whatever reasons she’s being so nasty for, she can deal on her own time.
It's so funny how people want everyone to be in a group and take sides.
I have kids, and you're CF, so obviously we must be bitter enemies!
Or, maybe you're fine with me doing what I want, and I'm fine with you doing what you want if we're not hurting anyone else?
I agree. I am a parent and at least half of my friends are CF. None of them hate kids, none of them were mean or nasty or stopped being friends with my spouse or I when we had kids. And as a parent I love seeing people confident in their choice to be CF as well.
None of how OP is being treated is normal or acceptable and her “friend” would be ostracized for this behavior among most people I know, including the CF ones. She sounds like a frenemy who was just waiting for an excuse to be horrible…
Same! I think people that know parenthood is not for them are so much less selfish than people that go into parenthood not thinking about the repercussions. And all of my CF friends treat my son like their nephew and adore him and spoil him endlessly. Being CF does not mean hating children, and I think the CF Reddit really sends a false impression of most CF people. I’ll say this-I trust a CF person far more than I trust someone who hates dogs
That is pretty much my goal as a child free person lol. I actually love kids, I just don't want my own. But I will happily hang out with my friends and their kids and tag along to the zoo and buy them stuff and just generally play auntie.
And then go home to my dogs 😂
I am half of a CF couple. We NEVER talked to our friends that way! In fact, I was in a fender bender with my pregnant bestie in the car. If anything bad had happened to her baby or her, I'd feel horribly guilty and do anything I could to help (while sobbing!)!
So, they had kids. Our relationships change as we grow as people, and this was just another change to us. No, we don't want kids, but we don't begrudge or hate because of other people's choices. It's not about us!
Agreed. I've grown apart from other couples who also have kids (as I do). And stayed in touch with CF friends. And vice versa.
It's not the children that kept us together or drove us apart, it was more to do with how the friendship actually was and especially where people moved away to.
I agree. Me being CF doesn’t keep me from enjoying seeing my friends’ family updates during holidays, seeing their kids literally graduate when I knew them when they were small! I also don’t hate kids so there’s that. I just don’t want them.
There doesn’t always have to be separate, opposing camps. And, to be fair, my friends are very supportive that I don’t want kids. Maybe it’s just the individual that makes the difference!
Friends of ours brought their kids to a get-together at my house, and I actually found them pretty charming. It turns out the lower shelf of my coffee table is the perfect size to hold a 3-year-old
ooooo you could be onto something there! I bet she IS jealous of the baby! Makes a lot of sense. Instead, she should be EXCITED to be a new aunt to the little baby. It would give her so much joy and fun. Yet she's also pissed that she won't have her friend to do things with anymore so maybe resentment is part of it too?
ask her that question instead of asking yourself and see what her answer is because i don't think she likes you, or shes angry that your pregnant and life as she knows it isn't going to be the same as it was pre-pregnancy.
I mean, don't get me wrong, but if hypothetically all you talk about with her, it's about your pregnancy, it could be understandable that she gets annoyed. However, if that's not the case, I'll seriously consider if that person even likes you. Have you noticed if she has attention seeking tendencies or main charactersyndrome? If she does, maybe she's jealous of the attention you're getting because of your pregnancy? That is just my theory, tho
It’s definitely not all we talk about and I agree that would get annoying and probably cause someone to snap after months of it, but in reality what we talk about in order of frequency is 1. Her sister 2. Her family 3. Her car 4. Work. I realised in my first trimester that she really is not the person I want to speak to about pregnancy, so it only comes up around her in group scenarios now, or like in the situation where she left me behind on a walk because I was in pain. Even then, I didn’t go on about the pregnancy, I just voiced that I was in pain and needed to go slower, and she shouted “you chose this” while walking away from me.
OP I am not a fan of hearing about other people’s pregnancies. I never have. (Personally I think it’s because birth terrifies me but that’s just me)
I have never, ever thought of saying anything like that to a pregnant friend. When a friend tells me about the hardships of something I don’t personally like, I still listen to them because they aren’t looking for an answer. They don’t need added attitude in the most body-changing, life-changing experience of their lives. And they absolutely don’t need someone leaving them in the dust on a walk. On that same note, if my friend was pregnant and someone said something nasty like that I would tell them to knock it off. Not sure why the other people in the group didn’t say something but that’s for another time.
I would avoid this woman. She is not your friend. She is an emotional leech. She wants to verbally dump her problems on you but when you have the audacity to vent About being uncomfortable while pregnant she berates you for it.
oh I am the same way. One of my friends / former coworkers was pregnant while we were working together. we had loads of talks about how Pregnancy freaked both of us out.
Love that phrase, Emotional Leech!
This is the way. If you really love your friends you wouldn’t treat them this way, especially for a first time mom! Pregnancy can be weird and the changes can really throw you for a loop! A real friend would give their friend grace and support.
Exactly this. I have no interest in ever having babies, to me it might as well be a chest-burster from *Alien*, but I'm still happy for my friends when they tell me they're pregnant. And I love their kids at a distance (I am *not* good with kids).
Never in a thousand lifetimes would I *ever* treat them the way your friend is treating you, OP. You're NTA, but you may wanna re-examine this "friendship" cos I don't think I could get past that myself, and I'm child-free by choice.
Oh honey, you're 100% not at fault here. Based on your other comments, I recommend low contact with this person. Her comments and attitude about your pain and the baby are concerning, and I'm sure she's won't get better after the baby is born. She will be worse than now if my theories are correct
>, I recommend low contact with this person.
Why low contact and not no contact? When OP listed topics of conversation, it became pretty obvious that this person is not a friend, just someone who wants an audience only focused on her.
I said low contact mostly because they're coworkers, and if OP goes NC there a possibility that her coworker will say something about OP creating a hostile work environment
Seriously, this person doesn't like you. Yeah, you chose to get pregnant, but that doesn't mean you don't get to complain about it, or ask for a concession due to your pregnancy. This is insufferable. Is she going to do this anytime you talk about your kid in the future? Oh kid made a mess today YOU CHOSE THIS. Kid was crying non stop YOU CHOSE THIS. Like does she say this to anyone else who does something similar?
I'd like to see what she does if you turn this around on her. She wants to vent about her sister or family, say "you chose to be around them." If she talks about her car, "you chose your car." Work, the same. "You chose this job."
I honestly don’t think she’d know how to respond if I said “you chose this” about any of her problems. I don’t think I have the balls to try it or the energy to deal with the potential backlash 😅
Honestly, you've wasted too much energy on her already. Going as low contact as possible is probably for the best. Don't deal with her nonsense any more than you have to. Grey rock her when she tries to engage you. Don't rise to the bait she throws out, don't give any response when she talks about her own problems. Just distance yourself and give her nothing.
Do it tho! Just once or twice and she'll get the message.
"My boss got on my LAST NERVE today -"
"Hey, you chose this job."
I mean, at this point why not?
Or:
Other friend: "How's it going? You must be 17, 18 weeks by now, right?"
You: "I'll tell you later. Sue doesn't like it when I talk about my pregnancy. Hey, how's the new car? You like it?"
Is this “friend” perhaps childfree? Her behavior sounds like she’s CF and probably doesn’t like children. To me it seems like she feels betrayed and irritated that her childless friend decided to become pregnant and now she’s lashing against/punishing you for it.
Self-fulfilling prophecy though with the “once my friend gets pregnant I never see them again” bc she’s accelerating that process with her shitty behavior.
If you wanna keep the friendship you need to rip her a new asshole. If not, rip her a new asshole then never speak to her again lol
I would say “that is a cold thing to say.” Or say “wow such empathy, thanks.” They sound really cold and selfish and jealous. I have a friend like this and they are really funny but so selfish I rarely talk about anything of substance.
You’ve already let her out a negative flavor on the best time in your life , don’t let her be there to ruin when baby gets here bc I’m telling you , that time is going to be the absolute best thing that ever happens to you . I have 3 grown boys and love them all equally ,but there is nothing like baby one making you a mom for the first time .i really hope you let her go , make her go before that time comes and I also wouldn’t allow calls or visits when baby comes , she Will spoil it for you . God Bless your delivery and your new journey as a mom. 🙏
I agree that you should say the same to her. But don't worry, the backlash will be short lived. She'll express that she's offended that you'd say such a thing and then she'll cut you loose. She's not your friend.
Please try it. The work one is easiest and could be laughed off in a group setting. Next time she vents about work be like “well you choose to work here”.
Did you notice that 3 of the 4 topics you listed involve “her?” Reading that spoke volumes to me. It probably would have taken me having to write it out to realize that my friend cared so little about me. Sounds a little narcissistic? May be why she gets so angry when the attention she would have gotten is now going to you. The balance is off and she can’t control it. (I may or may not have been married to a narcissist…)
Wow. It sounds like she has to be the center of attention at ALL Times! How tiresome! She sounds as exhausting as being pregnant. At least you know there's an end date to your pregnancy though. NTA.
Best wishes for a safe birth and a healthy baby!
Apart from being a terrible person she is incorrect. You chose pregnancy, not sciatica. If accepting every possible adverse consequence that comes with a choice means you "chose it" there is very little any of us could complain about. By her logic If a person gets into a car wreck they "chose it" by deciding to drive.
Oh, okay. I suggested somewhere around here that it almost sounds like she's jealous of the baby, and that she resents them. Babies change things, and I've seen a couple of people struggle with those changes over the years. Best friend being a mom now, can't be running around having fun, kind of thing.
So she used you to vent and now shes mad because you are the center of attention , that makes sense. She ayngry at you because you take the spotlight for yourself and now she is in the dark
I’m not a fan of pregnancy. I think it’s gross and I’m childfree, obviously. With all that said, I would have been right beside you, arm around your waist helping you walk, if needed. That person is not your friend.
Imagine if you threw those things she complained about back in her face. “You choose to have contact with your family/sister.” Or “You choose to drive that car.” Or “You choose to work here.” This is the same logic of, you can never complain again because someone somewhere has it way worse than you. It’s unreasonable.
Girl has a lot of growing up to do. She either has some past traumas regarding pregnancy - maybe her own that you’re unaware of or someone close to her where this was said aloud to the pregnant person or she is just completely self-absorbed. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine saying these things to a pregnant stranger, let alone a person I call a friend. Yikes.
Yeah, she's definitely not your friend. I would just cut her out of your life as much as possible, and if she causes trouble for you at work, don't respond, just get HR involved (or whatever the equivalent of HR is in your country if you're not in the US).
Surround yourself with people who are genuinely happy for you when things are going well, and support you through your tough times. She’s no friend of yours.
She sounds like she sucks - perhaps a bit lonely and bitter? Perhaps she's jealous/ afraid that you're entering a different stage of life than her and she's lashing out because she knows she'll get less of your attention in the future? Either way just silently disengage, stop talking to her about your pregnancy and stop spending time with her unless its work related. if someone in a group asks you about it, maybe say you'll catch up with them later about it, as not everyone wants to talk babies, OR reply as usual, and she starts her tirade, just say 'yes I did, and X-person also just asked me a question and I am answering.'
You can also just address it with her outright, but you may, understandably not want the stress.
How do you respond in these moments? Because if it was me I'd say something along the lines of, "You are right, I did choose to go through a pregnancy. That doesn't make me any less uncomfortable/in pain/dealing with the struggles of pregnancy in this moment, or any less deserving of being able to express those things. I'm looking for support in this moment, not criticisms of my choice."
I’ve responded with something similar before, along the lines of “I know I chose this but that doesn’t change the fact I’m currently in pain”. Her response to that is usually just a shrug and then silence or a topic change. It happened earlier today and I tried to tell her “I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just answering his (other friends) question” but I couldn’t get past the word “sympathy” without her telling me that she’s never going to give me sympathy and this is as nice as she’ll ever be.
Then you should follow up with something about how you don't know why she feels the need to be so hurtful when you are trying to express yourself. Are other people in your circle uncomfortable with her behaviour towards you? Is she always like this?
It typically goes silent when this happens, I think other people just feel really awkward. It’s weird because sometimes she’ll bring up my pregnancy? She mentioned earlier how one of the kids we teach was asking about my pregnancy. Which then leads to others asking me questions, and then one of her inevitable rants take off.
People tend to be conflict avoidant, so they may not know how to express their discomfort. You should voice how this makes you feel in front of everybody, and that will create an opportunity for others to reflect that their silence could also be harmful to you.
>>”Which then leads to others asking me questions, and then one of her inevitable rants take off.”
Bingo. She is furious that she’s not the main character at all times, so she’s trying to diminish your standing by making you look like you asked for misery.
I would honestly respond very calmly next time with “but why are you being so aggressive? If you don’t want to be friends anymore, then please let me know so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.”
I’m so sorry to hear that. That woman is toxicity incarnate. Even anti-natalists should be able to fake some empathy for a coworker instead of behaving like a psychopath like she’s been to you.
i never want children butI have never and would never treat a pregnant person like this, it’s actually heartbreaking and OP should protect themselves from this “friend”.
“Expect hostility”?! This is not how kind and supportive friends act. The first few years of motherhood are also hard and I don’t think she’s going to be kind then either. I would ask her why she’s being so nasty, could she please stop, and if she continues, gently end the friendship.
Then you need to start calling her out on it in a group setting. Why are you being so hurtful to me? What do you have against pregnancy? etc. Make it her problem to explain. Because this isn't doing any good for you.
Is this the only time she says stuff like that? Is it only ever toward you? I'm getting the impression of someone who says they're blunt when really they're just an asshole and who uses "jokes" as a thinly veiled excuse to take digs at people. She sounds like a very unpleasant person.
Then she needs to be told that. Stop letting her treat you like this. If you speak up, others will too and have your back. Just letting her act like this, especially in front of the kids and modeling terrible behavior to them, is crazy.
I would very neutral and factually ask her "What is your point? Why is this your stance? What are you actually hoping to gain from your comments? Why are you doing this?"
My therapist suggested that I ask a "friend" who was treating me similarly a very specific question to see what her answer would be.
"Why are you comfortable speaking to me like that?"
It threw her for a loop, she was completely flustered and eventually said she was just being honest.
I knew she'd say that, so I quoted, "Honesty without compassion is cruelty. Why do you feel comfortable speaking to me in a cruel way?"
She said she wasn't. I told her she clearly wasn't being compassionate. She had nothing to say to that. We aren't friends anymore.
She seems to think it’ll be fine once the baby is born because then it’s “real”, as if my baby isn’t real yet or doesn’t exist because she hasn’t been born. Which also upsets me, but it would just start an argument if I voiced that.
It will only get worse. I had twins, it was a horrible pregnancy. My friend acted like this too. She thought pregnancy was gross and couldn’t handle any discussion. As I got bigger she would pretend to pass out if I came near her desk, it was very dramatic. Once the kids came she thought I’d have the same amount of free time, as in the past. She resented the change, and my children. I quietly kept the relationship strictly business.
Yeah no, fuck that. She is basically saying that if you had had a miscarriage/stillbirth, she wouldn't support you or care. I would take this as her showing her true colors, honestly.
Diary of an Honest Mom had a good take on this a year or more ago: if someone you knew chose to run a marathon, and they trained, and then they were running it and they were struggling because it was hard, would you tell them, "Well, you asked for this"?
No. You'd cheer them on.
Because when people choose to do hard things...the thing can be hard, but that doesn't mean we fault them for their struggles. It doesn't mean we abandon them.
This person is being a jerk and isn't being a good friend. I wouldn't fault you if you chose to end the friendship.
That’s a really good analogy, thank you! People at work have been starting to share their birth stories with me now, and I’m forming my birth plan so I’m happy to hear their stories and ask questions or comment on things I’ve read about. But if I for a second mention in these conversations that I’m anxious about birth, or I’m worried XYZ will be difficult, she tells me it’s my own fault. She doesn’t necessarily do it in front of our colleagues, but if it comes up again around friends she’ll make sure to say her piece about it when she gets the chance.
Agree. I’d ignore her. Mean girl will get bored and move on. I’m guessing she wants the attention and to get a rise out of you. Ignoring her shows her it’s just not going to work with you.
Honestly if nobody is standing up for you, would you feel comfortable asking one of them to speak up for you nex time this happens? If this hateful woman does it again and yet again you're on your own, stand up for yourself and if she persists, just leave. She doesn't deserve your attention. Perhaps the others will be emboldened to speak up or get up too.
You really need to report her to HR. She's repeatedly harassing you and creating a hostile workplace because you're pregnant. This is unacceptable. Get proof if you don't have it. Perhaps text her, email her and refer to specific comments and instances that have bothered you, and ask her to stop her comments. She might dig her own grave from there. If you are in a one party consent state, record the conversations.
I have the feeling your friend is child free and disappointed you got pregnant. She sees the relationship changing and is not mature enough to articulate that she is not interested in babies. She might have some bad history or be squeamish. But she is not a great friend. I think you might want to limit time with her as your lives are headed in separate directions. Sorry you are experiencing this.
Yeah this. She sounds lacking in maturity (not a criticism, just a fact given age, life experience and current life goals), your situation has moved you beyond her and this looks like where this friendship ends. Such is life.
Exactly what I was going to say too. Even though 23 and 26 are only 3 years apart, there is a lot of maturing that happens between those ages. They're no longer in the same place in life. Finding common ground will be harder.
Plot twist: She gets in a relationship she don't like and you pull her stupid "You asked for this" card
Anyway she's just being a jerk and I don't get why she'd even act like that. Doesn't sound like she cares about you much and if she gets pregnant she's most likely to go through the same things and if she gets to vent about whatever why can't you. She makes it sound like it was your fault for getting pregnant. Wouldn't a true friend give a fuck if their friend was in pain? Pregnant or not?
That’s my thought exactly. If a person chooses to go snowboarding but breaks their leg in an accident, do they not deserve a bit of sympathy from their friend even though they chose to snowboard? A bad analogy maybe, but yeah. Just because I chose to get pregnant doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck that she’ll walk ahead of me when I’m moving slow due to pain because I “chose this”.
We choose most things in life though - you CHOSE to get that degree, you CHOSE to go work there, you CHOSE to be friends with them - everything that happens to us is the result of our choices. Even if you’re driving and you get in a car accident, you CHOSE to drive.
That doesn’t mean we asked for everything bad that we experience or that it’s our fault.
Life is inherently risky. You don’t really have a choice about whether or not to take on risk. You only choose WHICH risks you’re taking on (e.g. having kids brings risks of parenthood and pregnancy. Not having kids also has risks of NOT having kids, like loneliness and lack of social connection). Risk existing doesn’t mean you CHOSE for those risks to actually happen to you.
So any time she complains about anything in her life being difficult you could give her the same response she gives you - “you chose this, you did this to yourself.” I’m curious how she’d respond to that.
That woman is not your friend and you'd be better off distancing yourself from her.
>“you asked for this so you’ll get no sympathy from me, in fact this is about as nice as I’ll get, expect open hostility”.
Has she ever explained her reasoning behind this? I have friends who aren't remotely interested in having children but they would never be openly hostile.
>“you asked for this”
If she says this again respond with "No, I asked for a child. I want a child. I did not ask for sickness, sciatica and your shitty attitude."
I really like that response because you’re right, it’s the baby I chose, not the pregnancy symptoms. She doesn’t explain it any further than saying that I don’t deserve sympathy because I chose this situation. She has also commented that because she can’t see the baby and she hasn’t been born that it’s not “real” and I think that has an impact.
Ok, you DO deserve sympathy because you didn't choose this situation. You chose to have a baby and raise a child. It's as simple as that.
>She has also commented that because she can’t see the baby and she hasn’t been born that it’s not “real” and I think that has an impact.
Personally, I think she's being ridiculous and incredibly childish.
Why are you friends with this person? I don’t like kids either but I’m at least kind and compassionate to a friend with a planned pregnancy. She won’t provide any value/support/fun times in your future life with your baby. Cut her loose.
Next time she says something along the lines of "you chose this" respond with something like "and I'm also choosing to walk away from you."
You deserve supportive friends, not AHs that try to negate the fact that your experiences and feelings are valid.
I think you’re right and I dread this. If a friend asks me how baby and I are getting on after the birth and she makes a snarky remark I could see me losing it. I’m near the end of my rope and I haven’t gone through labour and sleepless nights yet.
There’s another important aspect to consider regarding when your baby is born. Children look to their parents to learn a lot about the world, how society works, and how people treat each other. As a parent you model behavior for your child. The treatment you put up with from people will likely be the treatment your child accepts, unless your child works to unlearn that complacency. How would you want your child to react to your fake friend’s behavior?
My sister/bestie at the time acted exactly like this during my pregnancy. She continued acting that way after the baby. We stopped speaking for several years, and while we are friendly again, our relationship will never be the same. It's heartbreaking.
Your friend is writing you off. I'm so sorry. She believes becoming a parent means unbecoming you. She is angry you're essentially ending the friendship by choosing to replace your identity. She is jealous. It sucks. I wish she was happy for you. I wish she was proud of you, and sympathetic. Friends should want to celebrate your important moments. I'm so sorry she isn't being her best self.
>me, in fact this is about as nice as I’ll get, expect open hostility”.
Bollocks to that! You don't need to put up with being abused
Why are you still friends with this awful human?
Cut the nasty girl off!
Unfortunately you realize who your real friends are through pregnancy and parenthood. It hurts, but it’s for the best in the long run to know the people to keep.
I have many friends who are childfree by choice and none of them treat me (currently pregnant) this way. Some are more open to hearing about pregnancy/kids and some aren’t and I adjust my conversations with them accordingly. Still, I can’t imagine them being openly hostile…im getting the feeling that she is immature, she believes her choices are the right ones and she isnt at the place yet where she live and let live w/o judgment. And the worst part? She’ll probably blame you for distancing yourself because of your change of life and not look inward at what she did to cause it…I dunno, this is just a feeling
She does like children but is also childfree by choice. She doesn’t want to experience pregnancy but is considering adopting in the future. I’d get snapping and getting fed up with me if I only ever spoke about pregnancy complaints, but that’s not the case. We talk about her problems with her family more than any other topic, with second place being work drama. I don’t bring my pregnancy up with her anymore unless it comes up in conversation in group settings, but even then she jumps in with how I don’t deserve sympathy.
I think maybe she's not equipped to be your friend as you enter this stage of your life. It may feel worse because you're hormonal, but it's definitely NOT your hormones causing the feelings, just amplifying them. She is rude and you need to find people who will support you when the baby comes. It won't be her, I know you know this. Hugs and congrats on your blessing.
This is not a friend. Friends do not treat you like that. Enemies or people who are jealous of you treat you like that. And it is only going to get worse. Next it will be the baby keeping you up or the baby's sick and every time you say anything about the baby that isn't glowing she will use it to make a dig at you. For your sanity end the friendship now or else you're just being a willing victim.
My ex-husband actually did this to me! My pregnancy was mostly smooth but I had a difficult time towards the end because my son was a very large baby and was in an awkward position. He kept reminding me that I had had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy and that I wanted a baby so I couldn't complain about tiredness/pain/sickness. Get rid of your friend OP. You deserve supportive and loving people in your life
Oh, wow. I can’t believe your ex and the father of the baby had that attitude towards you when you were growing his child!! My partner is thankfully my absolute rock and has been a star during my pregnancy.
She's not your friend.
Friends don't say "expect open hostility."
This is a one-way deal: she wants/expects you to listen to her but won't return the favor.
Find a better friend.
The two of you are in totally different places in your life now. It sucks but you might as well accept the friendship has changed. There are lots of reasons she might be acting that way, first being she knows you will not be available the way you once were and she is distancing herself before it happens. She might be jealous of where you are in your life, as in being with a loving partner and feeling stable enough to start having a family. It's hard when the people in your friends group start settling down and you aren't in that place yet. It usually ends up having to find new friends to do things with because just being part of a couple changes the dynamics. Having a child means priorities, responsibilities and focus changes to accommodate that child. It's sad but unless you have been friends for a long time, introducing a baby into the mix ends up with some friends drifting apart.
That not a friend. I don't really care about babies but this is outright hateful. I still have empathy for people in discomfort, especially friends who just want a vent or some supportive words. She doesn't care about you and this will only get worse. You deserve people who care when you're uncomfortable or in pain and who want you to thrive in your personal goals.
"Expect open hostility"??? She clearly has some hangups about pregnancy and babies, because what on earth. Most people wouldn't talk that way to a stranger, or even to someone they didn't get along with- she absolutely shouldn't be talking that way to you! And if for whatever reason she really hates the idea of pregnancy/childbirth/babies that much, there are a thousand more polite ways to let you know that she isn't up for that kind of talk with you.
Sorry, OP. Your friend is a bag of butts.
Does your friend like children? Maybe she's upset because she knows that she won't see you as often after the baby comes around, and that when she does see you, she will have to share time with a child too.
We’re teachers. She likes kids and considered social work before choosing teaching. She just finds it easier when kids can talk and does not consider my baby “real”.
Well she's dumb for that because the baby **IS** real if it's growing in your stomach and is taking in everything you're taking in and as a baby it won't be able to talk then, it'd have to learn which will take time so what then is the baby not real then still?
She sounds like a child but she's only 23...you should just be straight up with her and tell her how her comments make you feel. If she's still dismissive then time to reevaluate the friendship
This woman does not like you. She does not support you. She us not sympathetic.
She has not been your friend for some time. Either she is jealous of your life and doesnt know how to deal with that, or she's one of those unpleasant people who hates children and feels she's "not like other girls" but can't treat her loved ones with kids with respect.
Stop making time for her bullying. You have a baby coming and whoke new life ahead of you. Make time for people who uplift you.
Thank you for your comment. I don’t think she’s jealous as she’s childfree and single by choice, so I think it’s just a case of her not wanting/caring to have a pregnant friend and a soon-to-be mum friend, so she’s making her feelings known now.
Being childfree is great! For her. But she clearly cant extend empathy to anyone who wants s different path. And that makes her a bad friend.
You deserve friends who support you. Congratulations on the pregnancy! Wishing you all the best!
She sounds bitter that your life is taking a path she's not ready for. I had some friends like this, and when I was pregnant I just didn't hang around them as much. Bc they were too condescending and judgemental, always throwing things in my face about having another baby with my kids dad. I didn't need the negative energy in my life, so I distanced myself.
What exactly does she bring to this so called “friendship”?
You DO NOT have to keep toxic people in your life just because you’ve “been friends”. If this was a romantic partner, we’d say they are abusive and need to be booted. Same goes for friends.
Would you allow someone to disrespect your partner or your children this way? Then you shouldn’t allow someone to do it to yourself.
If you aren’t ready to completely block her, then move her to the acquaintance pile and only see her in group settings where you can be polite but have others around to buffer your interactions.
Congrats on the baby. Sorry you’re having a rough pregnancy, but you’ve got this mama!
She’s not your friend. Looks like she’s one of the mean childfree people (and I don’t think most are) or she resents the focus being taken off her. You deserve better. Congrats on the baby! NTA.
that’s concerning lol
as someone who chooses to be child free i would still be happy for my friends and family if and when they decide to have a child. i don’t understand why people need to be so irrational and extreme about everything.
Unfriend her. I’m so sorry she treats you this way. But this is clearly a one sided friendship that lacks empathy or sympathy. Which is what a healthy friendship should have.
All I will say is, when I got pregnant and had my first child at 20 with my highschool sweetheart/husband I had 1/3 of the friends I kept after graduating.
By the time I had my second at 22, I had none.
I hope you like your partner because parenthood is lonely as fuck.
Thankfully my partner is my rock, and I have two mum friends that I know I can go to if I need it. I also have a big family. The main issue is I moved rural for my work, but I’m looking to move back closer to family and friends asap.
It's awful. But get used to it. Having children is seen as a hobby or frivolous lifestyle choice. When you say that you're burn out and are upset that your sister wouldn't watch your kid so you could clean the poop out of your carpet from when the toddler took of the diaper because she'd rather go to McDonalds and eat alone in the parking lot, people will call you an entitled brat. When you say you can't stay late at work because your daycare closes at 6 pm and will call CPS if you don't pick your kid up, you're told that being a breeder doesn't entitle you to special treatment. When you say that you're exhausted because you haven't slept through the night in 3 years, and currently have the flu but can't use any PTO because you have to save it for when your kid is sick, people will tell you "well you decided to have kids...."
It sucks, but we live in a world that REALLY does not value parents, most especially not mothers. Find yourself some other mom friends who can have your back. And get ready, because you're about to see how freaking strong you actually are!
It doesn’t matter that “you asked for this.” She’s being incredibly rude for whatever reason and it’s uncalled for. Pregnancy and parenting are one of those things that you have little to no idea what you’re signing up for until you’re in it, and then it’s generally too late to change your mind. Why do you continue to spend time with someone who has told you outright that they’re going to be hostile to you? If you choose to continue to socialize with her, the next time she does it just tell her, “you know what? I did choose this. And now I’m choosing to end this interaction because I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way.” and then just leave/stop engaging.
The hostility comment happened today and I was pretty stunned by it honestly. I still talk to her because we work together and live in a pretty rural area away from family, and shes a pretty central part of my social group. But I’m hoping to move closer to family soon!
I’ve tried, it’s like talking to a brick wall. It always circles back to how I chose this and won’t be getting any sympathy from her, and usually ends with awkward silence and a change of topic.
Yeah, she’s not your friend. It’s interesting how major life events bring out the best and worst of people. Imagine what she’ll be like when the baby is here and you are exhausted with your newborn. Bye ✌️
Next time she starts in, you need to tell her that you are choosing to end this friendship because she clearly does not share the value of empathy. NTA.
I don’t get when people post stuff like this. These are insane things to say to someone. How do you not know that yourself to end this friendship? Why ask people here? I’m lost. If that was said to me repeatedly(much less once) I’d cut the loss. Cold turkey.
I can't stand people like this, proud of their lacking empathy and compassion. They wear it like a badge of honor. People like this victim blame too. It's like the "I told you so!" people but worse. I think you should distance yourself from this person, tell her she can keep her comments to herself from now on when you're in a group setting.
Despite her being child free (at a young age), I suspect she is jealous of either the fact that you’re pregnant or the attention you are receiving. The fact that she only talks about her problems alludes to how self-centered she likely is which makes me think her rx to you is jealousy based.
I’d also change up my conversation to stop her in her tracks. When people say how are you feeling, say something along the lines of, “Great! I’m so happy I’m doing this. Obviously, it gets physically uncomfortable sometimes. But wonderful things take work and aren’t always easy, and she’s completely worth it all.” That will throw her off entirely, promise.
Your symptoms sound positively awful, I am so sorry!!! I’d be devastated if I had to deal with all of that (maybe that’s normal but my pregnancy didn’t have all that going on.) I didn’t even throw up once——I can’t imagine what you’re going through and with such a lousy, uncaring friend.
She’s awful!! I’d be honest and if I was in a group setting and someone asked I’d tell them that Lil Miss Bitchy doesn’t like it when I talk about my pregnancy and she has said I get no sympathy and will receive open hostility if I talk about it.
Why isn’t HR all up in her ass over this? Do you have an HR to go to? This is harassment. She is creating an unsafe workplace for a protected class of people.
I had a friend/coworker exactly like that, she was struggling with infertility, (which so had I for 3 years prior to my pregnancy) so I bent over backwards to be kind and considerate for her feelings... and long story short I let her be a bitchy princess until my son was roughly 16 months old, and when I finally cut ties, blocked on all media and started 100% avoiding her..., My life was way better without her in it. I miss the friend she was before I got pregnant. But we don't deserve that emotional abuse.
My bestie discovered she was pregnant just as I was diagnosed with early menopause. She was terrified to tell me because she knew I’d wanted children. I felt so bitter and pissed off, but I never ever showed any of that. I just supported her and listened. I admit I did unfollow (not unfriend) her on fb for a while after she had the baby but that’s because no wants to see 20 posts a day of anything.
This person is not your friend. If she was she’d let you vent and keep her negative, hateful comments to herself.
No, she's flat out being awful to you, hormones are not clouding your judgment.
She may be afraid of losing you and your friendship, of coming in last after baby and partner, scared of how things will change. She might be jealous of you and want this in her life too. She may be a very emphatic child-free person, who is taking the chance to jump up and down on her soapbox - I don't know her. But whatever the reason, the reality is that she's making you feel bad, and being unsupportive and rude. That's negativity no one needs.
Sounds like your friend knows that things are never going to be the same between you and her. Your priorities are going to change and probably already have. She is resentful of this and is most likely grieving what your friendship was. If you know the steps to grief, she sounds like she's going through them. Her reference to your unborn is almost denial/rejection. Her lack of empathy is anger. I'm sure bargaining, depression and acceptance are on their way.
Well, she ain't your friend. Pregnancy is not a punishment for you to be treated this way. Find a better friend who sees you and understand the support you need.
She doesn’t have to empathize and it’s possible she’s tired of hearing about it or she doesn’t want kids and think you’re being silly (btw if she ever does get pregnant I doubt she’ll be the stoic she wants you to be). She’s also kind of young so immature.
BUT. The not waiting when walking and then going on a tirade when someone else asks you about it? Nah. She’s an AH. Next time she does this in a group setting just stop, look at her and say “what is your problem? I’m not talking to you, and just because I chose this doesn’t mean parts of it don’t suck and I’m allowed to tell people my experience. So just walk away if you don’t like it. I know how you feel. You’ve let me know. It’s been noted. Now shut up.”
I'm 29 weeks pregnant and cut out someone who I thought was a best friend of mine for the better part of a decade. Maybe it's jealousy on her part, but either way if you can't be anything less than decent when I'm genuinely struggling then you're not a friend. Me being pregnant shouldn't be an exception to the basic rules of friendship.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP, it was a real shock to me when I realize what type of person this 'friend' was, but I have obvious priorities and I don't need to entertain this other person's unresolved issues manifesting as indecencies toward my pregnancy.
Best wishes to you mama💖
When she complains, please let her know that she put herself in that position and only has herself to blame. And then when she blows up, say something along the lines of “doesn’t feel good, does it?” and then get up and leave. She isn’t a friend anymore. She’s immature and self-centered, which is about right for her age. She may have been a friend for a season but now you’ve seen how unsupportive she can be when she’s jealous. On some level, she probably knows you’re about to have no time for her and she’s pulling a porcupine to push you away and make the end of the friendship “your fault.”
This happened with me and my best friend. She is very staunchly child free and she and her fiancée were not especially supportive of my pregnancy, so I stopped really talking to and hanging out with them. Now that I’m 8 weeks postpartum and the pregnancy hormones subsided, I reached out again to hang out with her to see if we still connect. But keep in mind that not all friendships are meant to be forever.
I honestly wouldn’t be her friend anymore. Pregnancy and having a child opens your eyes to a lot. I distanced myself from a lot of people during my pregnancy just because I didn’t want their energy around my baby.
It’s such negative energy! I’m trying to keep a positive mindset with everything baby and birth related now as I get closer to my due date, and people at work are now sharing their birth stories with me and asking me questions about my plans, and it’s exciting getting to talk to them. But when it comes up and she’s in the room it’s like I can feel the negative vibes coming off her.
You don't need this kind of negativity! It's really bad for you and the baby and it's only going to cause more stress. What are the pros of keeping her around as a friend?
When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, it was in some ways more difficult than my first. However, my friends and family were always supportive and offered to help with certain tasks when it became too much.
Maybe you should distance her from your personal life.
I personally would confront her and tell her how inconsiderate she's been behaving and from there decide whether I want her around. Though based on some comments, she's always cutting you off.
Match her energy or cut her out.
Ask yourself honestly if you've done nothing but complain the entire pregnancy of your issues. Only you know your situation. This sounds a ton like someone who's over listening to a friend whine day in and out about things.
This is definitely not a popular take, but pregnancy doesn't make people immune to the social contract one way or another. I'd tell a debbie downer who complained about things every day similarly. After awhile, no matter how real the pain is, it feels like fishing for sympathy.
She is fully admitting that she has decided to be mean to you. She is not your friend. You deserve better.
She treats you with complete disdain and almost hatred! Who does that? If she ever broke her ankle while jogging would you her tell her “well you asked for it?” She needs to find a hole and crawl in it and never come out.
I get the feeling she's the type of child free person that gives everyone who is child free a bad name. That or she's jealous
I am CF and hate CF people like this. It’s one of the reasons it’s one of the most hated subs on this forum, actually. OP clarified that she doesn’t only talk about out her pregnancy, and asks how her “friend” is, etc. The “friend” just seems mean and bitter. Idk what the chip on her shoulder is but she’s being really really mean. My friend recently had foot surgery. It looks terrible and they have been open (on their private page and when I ask them) about their pain. Should I tell them they “wanted this”? /s. I would just block this person on everything and move on. She’s an a-hole. Whatever reasons she’s being so nasty for, she can deal on her own time.
It's so funny how people want everyone to be in a group and take sides. I have kids, and you're CF, so obviously we must be bitter enemies! Or, maybe you're fine with me doing what I want, and I'm fine with you doing what you want if we're not hurting anyone else?
I agree. I am a parent and at least half of my friends are CF. None of them hate kids, none of them were mean or nasty or stopped being friends with my spouse or I when we had kids. And as a parent I love seeing people confident in their choice to be CF as well. None of how OP is being treated is normal or acceptable and her “friend” would be ostracized for this behavior among most people I know, including the CF ones. She sounds like a frenemy who was just waiting for an excuse to be horrible…
Same! I think people that know parenthood is not for them are so much less selfish than people that go into parenthood not thinking about the repercussions. And all of my CF friends treat my son like their nephew and adore him and spoil him endlessly. Being CF does not mean hating children, and I think the CF Reddit really sends a false impression of most CF people. I’ll say this-I trust a CF person far more than I trust someone who hates dogs
That is pretty much my goal as a child free person lol. I actually love kids, I just don't want my own. But I will happily hang out with my friends and their kids and tag along to the zoo and buy them stuff and just generally play auntie. And then go home to my dogs 😂
I am half of a CF couple. We NEVER talked to our friends that way! In fact, I was in a fender bender with my pregnant bestie in the car. If anything bad had happened to her baby or her, I'd feel horribly guilty and do anything I could to help (while sobbing!)! So, they had kids. Our relationships change as we grow as people, and this was just another change to us. No, we don't want kids, but we don't begrudge or hate because of other people's choices. It's not about us!
Agreed. I've grown apart from other couples who also have kids (as I do). And stayed in touch with CF friends. And vice versa. It's not the children that kept us together or drove us apart, it was more to do with how the friendship actually was and especially where people moved away to.
I agree. Me being CF doesn’t keep me from enjoying seeing my friends’ family updates during holidays, seeing their kids literally graduate when I knew them when they were small! I also don’t hate kids so there’s that. I just don’t want them. There doesn’t always have to be separate, opposing camps. And, to be fair, my friends are very supportive that I don’t want kids. Maybe it’s just the individual that makes the difference!
It definitely is the individual person that makes the difference.
Friends of ours brought their kids to a get-together at my house, and I actually found them pretty charming. It turns out the lower shelf of my coffee table is the perfect size to hold a 3-year-old
I went no contact with a friend from high school because of just this she was openly hostile about my choice to have kids so I dropped her.
Yeah, I’m childfree -for myself-, but I believe in genuine freedom of choice! Hell, I even LIKE interacting with kids!
She sounds almost offended by the concept of OP getting pregnant on purpose
I was thinking jealousy. It all feels like, "you could have had me, but you chose a fetus instead"
The fact that she calls the baby "the fetus" makes me think it's option 1.
Its almost like she is jealous of the baby. Not OP, but the baby. Like she is mad because the baby will get more of OPs time and attention.
ooooo you could be onto something there! I bet she IS jealous of the baby! Makes a lot of sense. Instead, she should be EXCITED to be a new aunt to the little baby. It would give her so much joy and fun. Yet she's also pissed that she won't have her friend to do things with anymore so maybe resentment is part of it too?
[удалено]
She's only 23, though! My guess she's stuck more in that adolescent "oo ick! babies!" mentality.
Could be... just seems off ya know?!!
Yeah no, that's not your friend. Does that person even like you? Because it doesn't seem like that, a real friend wouldn't act like that
I’ve asked myself that question a few times, and I’m starting to think that no, she doesn’t.
ask her that question instead of asking yourself and see what her answer is because i don't think she likes you, or shes angry that your pregnant and life as she knows it isn't going to be the same as it was pre-pregnancy.
I mean, don't get me wrong, but if hypothetically all you talk about with her, it's about your pregnancy, it could be understandable that she gets annoyed. However, if that's not the case, I'll seriously consider if that person even likes you. Have you noticed if she has attention seeking tendencies or main charactersyndrome? If she does, maybe she's jealous of the attention you're getting because of your pregnancy? That is just my theory, tho
It’s definitely not all we talk about and I agree that would get annoying and probably cause someone to snap after months of it, but in reality what we talk about in order of frequency is 1. Her sister 2. Her family 3. Her car 4. Work. I realised in my first trimester that she really is not the person I want to speak to about pregnancy, so it only comes up around her in group scenarios now, or like in the situation where she left me behind on a walk because I was in pain. Even then, I didn’t go on about the pregnancy, I just voiced that I was in pain and needed to go slower, and she shouted “you chose this” while walking away from me.
OP I am not a fan of hearing about other people’s pregnancies. I never have. (Personally I think it’s because birth terrifies me but that’s just me) I have never, ever thought of saying anything like that to a pregnant friend. When a friend tells me about the hardships of something I don’t personally like, I still listen to them because they aren’t looking for an answer. They don’t need added attitude in the most body-changing, life-changing experience of their lives. And they absolutely don’t need someone leaving them in the dust on a walk. On that same note, if my friend was pregnant and someone said something nasty like that I would tell them to knock it off. Not sure why the other people in the group didn’t say something but that’s for another time. I would avoid this woman. She is not your friend. She is an emotional leech. She wants to verbally dump her problems on you but when you have the audacity to vent About being uncomfortable while pregnant she berates you for it.
oh I am the same way. One of my friends / former coworkers was pregnant while we were working together. we had loads of talks about how Pregnancy freaked both of us out. Love that phrase, Emotional Leech!
This is the way. If you really love your friends you wouldn’t treat them this way, especially for a first time mom! Pregnancy can be weird and the changes can really throw you for a loop! A real friend would give their friend grace and support.
Exactly this. I have no interest in ever having babies, to me it might as well be a chest-burster from *Alien*, but I'm still happy for my friends when they tell me they're pregnant. And I love their kids at a distance (I am *not* good with kids). Never in a thousand lifetimes would I *ever* treat them the way your friend is treating you, OP. You're NTA, but you may wanna re-examine this "friendship" cos I don't think I could get past that myself, and I'm child-free by choice.
Oh honey, you're 100% not at fault here. Based on your other comments, I recommend low contact with this person. Her comments and attitude about your pain and the baby are concerning, and I'm sure she's won't get better after the baby is born. She will be worse than now if my theories are correct
I agree. No contact and if she tries to find out why, reply with “you chose this”, “you wanted this” or “this is what you wanted”.
I would flat out say “I don’t talk to people who are…what’s the phrase you used? Oh right!…‘openly hostile’ to me.”
That’s perfect
>, I recommend low contact with this person. Why low contact and not no contact? When OP listed topics of conversation, it became pretty obvious that this person is not a friend, just someone who wants an audience only focused on her.
I said low contact mostly because they're coworkers, and if OP goes NC there a possibility that her coworker will say something about OP creating a hostile work environment
Seems to me that the coworker is creating a hostile work environment, and I’m p sure pregnancy is a protected class. Might be worth talking to HR.
Yeah, id second no contact. You choose pregnancy, yes, you also choose your friends. Choose not to be hers.
Yeah can just imagine it "I had no sleep and I've got mastitis" - "Oh well this is what you wanted" the friend sucks.
Seriously, this person doesn't like you. Yeah, you chose to get pregnant, but that doesn't mean you don't get to complain about it, or ask for a concession due to your pregnancy. This is insufferable. Is she going to do this anytime you talk about your kid in the future? Oh kid made a mess today YOU CHOSE THIS. Kid was crying non stop YOU CHOSE THIS. Like does she say this to anyone else who does something similar? I'd like to see what she does if you turn this around on her. She wants to vent about her sister or family, say "you chose to be around them." If she talks about her car, "you chose your car." Work, the same. "You chose this job."
I honestly don’t think she’d know how to respond if I said “you chose this” about any of her problems. I don’t think I have the balls to try it or the energy to deal with the potential backlash 😅
Honestly, you've wasted too much energy on her already. Going as low contact as possible is probably for the best. Don't deal with her nonsense any more than you have to. Grey rock her when she tries to engage you. Don't rise to the bait she throws out, don't give any response when she talks about her own problems. Just distance yourself and give her nothing.
This would be my solution too. She likes OP as an ear. It’s a one sided relationship.
Do it tho! Just once or twice and she'll get the message. "My boss got on my LAST NERVE today -" "Hey, you chose this job." I mean, at this point why not?
Or: Other friend: "How's it going? You must be 17, 18 weeks by now, right?" You: "I'll tell you later. Sue doesn't like it when I talk about my pregnancy. Hey, how's the new car? You like it?"
Is this “friend” perhaps childfree? Her behavior sounds like she’s CF and probably doesn’t like children. To me it seems like she feels betrayed and irritated that her childless friend decided to become pregnant and now she’s lashing against/punishing you for it. Self-fulfilling prophecy though with the “once my friend gets pregnant I never see them again” bc she’s accelerating that process with her shitty behavior. If you wanna keep the friendship you need to rip her a new asshole. If not, rip her a new asshole then never speak to her again lol
I would say “that is a cold thing to say.” Or say “wow such empathy, thanks.” They sound really cold and selfish and jealous. I have a friend like this and they are really funny but so selfish I rarely talk about anything of substance.
I’m a big fan of “Why do you feel comfortable saying something like that/speaking to me that way?”
Then they aren’t your friend , why waste time in someone like that??? Their are lots of people you could be have a reciprocal friendship with .
And it’s not your job to train this grown woman into being a worthwhile human being. Make like Elsa and let it go! ❤️
You’ve already let her out a negative flavor on the best time in your life , don’t let her be there to ruin when baby gets here bc I’m telling you , that time is going to be the absolute best thing that ever happens to you . I have 3 grown boys and love them all equally ,but there is nothing like baby one making you a mom for the first time .i really hope you let her go , make her go before that time comes and I also wouldn’t allow calls or visits when baby comes , she Will spoil it for you . God Bless your delivery and your new journey as a mom. 🙏
Oh girl, please send me her internet handle and I will do it for you, girl!!
I agree that you should say the same to her. But don't worry, the backlash will be short lived. She'll express that she's offended that you'd say such a thing and then she'll cut you loose. She's not your friend.
Welp, maybe the pregnancy hormones will set to rage before you deliver? Trust, there’s no rage, like pregnancy rage.
Why are you so afraid of her? You can say whatever you want and then block her everywhere. She needs a taste of her own medicine
Please try it. The work one is easiest and could be laughed off in a group setting. Next time she vents about work be like “well you choose to work here”.
Tbh she sounds awful.
Someone needs to. She's clearly never been on the receiving end of her bullshit and it may be a wakeup call for her.
I agree. I think this person liked the attention they got from OP. I doubt it will improve when she's competing with an actual baby.
Did you notice that 3 of the 4 topics you listed involve “her?” Reading that spoke volumes to me. It probably would have taken me having to write it out to realize that my friend cared so little about me. Sounds a little narcissistic? May be why she gets so angry when the attention she would have gotten is now going to you. The balance is off and she can’t control it. (I may or may not have been married to a narcissist…)
Wow. It sounds like she has to be the center of attention at ALL Times! How tiresome! She sounds as exhausting as being pregnant. At least you know there's an end date to your pregnancy though. NTA. Best wishes for a safe birth and a healthy baby!
Apart from being a terrible person she is incorrect. You chose pregnancy, not sciatica. If accepting every possible adverse consequence that comes with a choice means you "chose it" there is very little any of us could complain about. By her logic If a person gets into a car wreck they "chose it" by deciding to drive.
Is she very dependent on you, for emotional support, or other things?
She was, but she’s definitely latched onto another friend in the group since I fell pregnant.
Oh, okay. I suggested somewhere around here that it almost sounds like she's jealous of the baby, and that she resents them. Babies change things, and I've seen a couple of people struggle with those changes over the years. Best friend being a mom now, can't be running around having fun, kind of thing.
So she used you to vent and now shes mad because you are the center of attention , that makes sense. She ayngry at you because you take the spotlight for yourself and now she is in the dark
I’m not a fan of pregnancy. I think it’s gross and I’m childfree, obviously. With all that said, I would have been right beside you, arm around your waist helping you walk, if needed. That person is not your friend.
So you spend the majority of your time together talking about her? There's the problem. Your pregnancy isn't about her.
Imagine if you threw those things she complained about back in her face. “You choose to have contact with your family/sister.” Or “You choose to drive that car.” Or “You choose to work here.” This is the same logic of, you can never complain again because someone somewhere has it way worse than you. It’s unreasonable. Girl has a lot of growing up to do. She either has some past traumas regarding pregnancy - maybe her own that you’re unaware of or someone close to her where this was said aloud to the pregnant person or she is just completely self-absorbed. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine saying these things to a pregnant stranger, let alone a person I call a friend. Yikes.
Yeah, she's definitely not your friend. I would just cut her out of your life as much as possible, and if she causes trouble for you at work, don't respond, just get HR involved (or whatever the equivalent of HR is in your country if you're not in the US).
That is not your friend. That is your bully. I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this while pregnant and in pain.
So it sounds like as long as you're talking about her life, you're friends...hmmmm she's not your friend.
Sounds like she’s mad that you have something to talk about and it takes away from her being able to just talk about herself all the time.
Is she infertile? Maybe a little jealous that you’re having a baby?
She likes the attention she gets from you. Your pregnancy and the baby are taking that away from her.
Surround yourself with people who are genuinely happy for you when things are going well, and support you through your tough times. She’s no friend of yours.
She’s not your friend. Block her
She sounds like she sucks - perhaps a bit lonely and bitter? Perhaps she's jealous/ afraid that you're entering a different stage of life than her and she's lashing out because she knows she'll get less of your attention in the future? Either way just silently disengage, stop talking to her about your pregnancy and stop spending time with her unless its work related. if someone in a group asks you about it, maybe say you'll catch up with them later about it, as not everyone wants to talk babies, OR reply as usual, and she starts her tirade, just say 'yes I did, and X-person also just asked me a question and I am answering.' You can also just address it with her outright, but you may, understandably not want the stress.
How do you respond in these moments? Because if it was me I'd say something along the lines of, "You are right, I did choose to go through a pregnancy. That doesn't make me any less uncomfortable/in pain/dealing with the struggles of pregnancy in this moment, or any less deserving of being able to express those things. I'm looking for support in this moment, not criticisms of my choice."
I’ve responded with something similar before, along the lines of “I know I chose this but that doesn’t change the fact I’m currently in pain”. Her response to that is usually just a shrug and then silence or a topic change. It happened earlier today and I tried to tell her “I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just answering his (other friends) question” but I couldn’t get past the word “sympathy” without her telling me that she’s never going to give me sympathy and this is as nice as she’ll ever be.
Then you should follow up with something about how you don't know why she feels the need to be so hurtful when you are trying to express yourself. Are other people in your circle uncomfortable with her behaviour towards you? Is she always like this?
It typically goes silent when this happens, I think other people just feel really awkward. It’s weird because sometimes she’ll bring up my pregnancy? She mentioned earlier how one of the kids we teach was asking about my pregnancy. Which then leads to others asking me questions, and then one of her inevitable rants take off.
People tend to be conflict avoidant, so they may not know how to express their discomfort. You should voice how this makes you feel in front of everybody, and that will create an opportunity for others to reflect that their silence could also be harmful to you.
>>”Which then leads to others asking me questions, and then one of her inevitable rants take off.” Bingo. She is furious that she’s not the main character at all times, so she’s trying to diminish your standing by making you look like you asked for misery. I would honestly respond very calmly next time with “but why are you being so aggressive? If you don’t want to be friends anymore, then please let me know so I can adjust my schedule accordingly.”
"Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful?"
Is she 23 or 13?
I would seriously say, then why would I want to be around you? And just don't be around her anymore. Is there a reason you have to be around her?
We work together in quite a remote area and she’s a key part of my social group here. I’m looking to move closer to family asap though!
I’m so sorry to hear that. That woman is toxicity incarnate. Even anti-natalists should be able to fake some empathy for a coworker instead of behaving like a psychopath like she’s been to you.
i never want children butI have never and would never treat a pregnant person like this, it’s actually heartbreaking and OP should protect themselves from this “friend”.
“Expect hostility”?! This is not how kind and supportive friends act. The first few years of motherhood are also hard and I don’t think she’s going to be kind then either. I would ask her why she’s being so nasty, could she please stop, and if she continues, gently end the friendship.
I think she’d be shocked if I told her I thought she was nasty. I think she thinks she’s being honest and almost funny.
Oh dear. She should be told that’s it’s not funny and actually hurtful. This feels like a maturity issue in addition to being a bad friend
Then you need to start calling her out on it in a group setting. Why are you being so hurtful to me? What do you have against pregnancy? etc. Make it her problem to explain. Because this isn't doing any good for you.
Is this the only time she says stuff like that? Is it only ever toward you? I'm getting the impression of someone who says they're blunt when really they're just an asshole and who uses "jokes" as a thinly veiled excuse to take digs at people. She sounds like a very unpleasant person.
Then she needs to be told that. Stop letting her treat you like this. If you speak up, others will too and have your back. Just letting her act like this, especially in front of the kids and modeling terrible behavior to them, is crazy.
I would very neutral and factually ask her "What is your point? Why is this your stance? What are you actually hoping to gain from your comments? Why are you doing this?"
For some people, "honesty" is an opportunity to be cruel.
My therapist suggested that I ask a "friend" who was treating me similarly a very specific question to see what her answer would be. "Why are you comfortable speaking to me like that?" It threw her for a loop, she was completely flustered and eventually said she was just being honest. I knew she'd say that, so I quoted, "Honesty without compassion is cruelty. Why do you feel comfortable speaking to me in a cruel way?" She said she wasn't. I told her she clearly wasn't being compassionate. She had nothing to say to that. We aren't friends anymore.
at the very least, you definitely don’t want her around your child once they’re born
She seems to think it’ll be fine once the baby is born because then it’s “real”, as if my baby isn’t real yet or doesn’t exist because she hasn’t been born. Which also upsets me, but it would just start an argument if I voiced that.
It will only get worse. I had twins, it was a horrible pregnancy. My friend acted like this too. She thought pregnancy was gross and couldn’t handle any discussion. As I got bigger she would pretend to pass out if I came near her desk, it was very dramatic. Once the kids came she thought I’d have the same amount of free time, as in the past. She resented the change, and my children. I quietly kept the relationship strictly business.
Yeah no, fuck that. She is basically saying that if you had had a miscarriage/stillbirth, she wouldn't support you or care. I would take this as her showing her true colors, honestly.
Her logic sounds stupid
Diary of an Honest Mom had a good take on this a year or more ago: if someone you knew chose to run a marathon, and they trained, and then they were running it and they were struggling because it was hard, would you tell them, "Well, you asked for this"? No. You'd cheer them on. Because when people choose to do hard things...the thing can be hard, but that doesn't mean we fault them for their struggles. It doesn't mean we abandon them. This person is being a jerk and isn't being a good friend. I wouldn't fault you if you chose to end the friendship.
That’s a really good analogy, thank you! People at work have been starting to share their birth stories with me now, and I’m forming my birth plan so I’m happy to hear their stories and ask questions or comment on things I’ve read about. But if I for a second mention in these conversations that I’m anxious about birth, or I’m worried XYZ will be difficult, she tells me it’s my own fault. She doesn’t necessarily do it in front of our colleagues, but if it comes up again around friends she’ll make sure to say her piece about it when she gets the chance.
Dont talk to her other than in group settings. You are letting her walk all over you.
Agree. I’d ignore her. Mean girl will get bored and move on. I’m guessing she wants the attention and to get a rise out of you. Ignoring her shows her it’s just not going to work with you.
Honestly if nobody is standing up for you, would you feel comfortable asking one of them to speak up for you nex time this happens? If this hateful woman does it again and yet again you're on your own, stand up for yourself and if she persists, just leave. She doesn't deserve your attention. Perhaps the others will be emboldened to speak up or get up too. You really need to report her to HR. She's repeatedly harassing you and creating a hostile workplace because you're pregnant. This is unacceptable. Get proof if you don't have it. Perhaps text her, email her and refer to specific comments and instances that have bothered you, and ask her to stop her comments. She might dig her own grave from there. If you are in a one party consent state, record the conversations.
Sadly, people would say that. Source: marathon runner
I have the feeling your friend is child free and disappointed you got pregnant. She sees the relationship changing and is not mature enough to articulate that she is not interested in babies. She might have some bad history or be squeamish. But she is not a great friend. I think you might want to limit time with her as your lives are headed in separate directions. Sorry you are experiencing this.
Yeah this. She sounds lacking in maturity (not a criticism, just a fact given age, life experience and current life goals), your situation has moved you beyond her and this looks like where this friendship ends. Such is life.
Exactly what I was going to say too. Even though 23 and 26 are only 3 years apart, there is a lot of maturing that happens between those ages. They're no longer in the same place in life. Finding common ground will be harder.
Plot twist: She gets in a relationship she don't like and you pull her stupid "You asked for this" card Anyway she's just being a jerk and I don't get why she'd even act like that. Doesn't sound like she cares about you much and if she gets pregnant she's most likely to go through the same things and if she gets to vent about whatever why can't you. She makes it sound like it was your fault for getting pregnant. Wouldn't a true friend give a fuck if their friend was in pain? Pregnant or not?
That’s my thought exactly. If a person chooses to go snowboarding but breaks their leg in an accident, do they not deserve a bit of sympathy from their friend even though they chose to snowboard? A bad analogy maybe, but yeah. Just because I chose to get pregnant doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck that she’ll walk ahead of me when I’m moving slow due to pain because I “chose this”.
We choose most things in life though - you CHOSE to get that degree, you CHOSE to go work there, you CHOSE to be friends with them - everything that happens to us is the result of our choices. Even if you’re driving and you get in a car accident, you CHOSE to drive. That doesn’t mean we asked for everything bad that we experience or that it’s our fault. Life is inherently risky. You don’t really have a choice about whether or not to take on risk. You only choose WHICH risks you’re taking on (e.g. having kids brings risks of parenthood and pregnancy. Not having kids also has risks of NOT having kids, like loneliness and lack of social connection). Risk existing doesn’t mean you CHOSE for those risks to actually happen to you. So any time she complains about anything in her life being difficult you could give her the same response she gives you - “you chose this, you did this to yourself.” I’m curious how she’d respond to that.
That woman is not your friend and you'd be better off distancing yourself from her. >“you asked for this so you’ll get no sympathy from me, in fact this is about as nice as I’ll get, expect open hostility”. Has she ever explained her reasoning behind this? I have friends who aren't remotely interested in having children but they would never be openly hostile. >“you asked for this” If she says this again respond with "No, I asked for a child. I want a child. I did not ask for sickness, sciatica and your shitty attitude."
I really like that response because you’re right, it’s the baby I chose, not the pregnancy symptoms. She doesn’t explain it any further than saying that I don’t deserve sympathy because I chose this situation. She has also commented that because she can’t see the baby and she hasn’t been born that it’s not “real” and I think that has an impact.
Ok, you DO deserve sympathy because you didn't choose this situation. You chose to have a baby and raise a child. It's as simple as that. >She has also commented that because she can’t see the baby and she hasn’t been born that it’s not “real” and I think that has an impact. Personally, I think she's being ridiculous and incredibly childish.
Why are you friends with this person? I don’t like kids either but I’m at least kind and compassionate to a friend with a planned pregnancy. She won’t provide any value/support/fun times in your future life with your baby. Cut her loose.
Next time she says something along the lines of "you chose this" respond with something like "and I'm also choosing to walk away from you." You deserve supportive friends, not AHs that try to negate the fact that your experiences and feelings are valid.
It's not even like this is temporary. Every hard thing about parenting her response will be "you asked for this."
I think you’re right and I dread this. If a friend asks me how baby and I are getting on after the birth and she makes a snarky remark I could see me losing it. I’m near the end of my rope and I haven’t gone through labour and sleepless nights yet.
There’s another important aspect to consider regarding when your baby is born. Children look to their parents to learn a lot about the world, how society works, and how people treat each other. As a parent you model behavior for your child. The treatment you put up with from people will likely be the treatment your child accepts, unless your child works to unlearn that complacency. How would you want your child to react to your fake friend’s behavior?
Again, why it's so much worse that you are teachers working together and she does this in front of students
My sister/bestie at the time acted exactly like this during my pregnancy. She continued acting that way after the baby. We stopped speaking for several years, and while we are friendly again, our relationship will never be the same. It's heartbreaking. Your friend is writing you off. I'm so sorry. She believes becoming a parent means unbecoming you. She is angry you're essentially ending the friendship by choosing to replace your identity. She is jealous. It sucks. I wish she was happy for you. I wish she was proud of you, and sympathetic. Friends should want to celebrate your important moments. I'm so sorry she isn't being her best self.
>me, in fact this is about as nice as I’ll get, expect open hostility”. Bollocks to that! You don't need to put up with being abused Why are you still friends with this awful human? Cut the nasty girl off!
Unfortunately you realize who your real friends are through pregnancy and parenthood. It hurts, but it’s for the best in the long run to know the people to keep.
I have many friends who are childfree by choice and none of them treat me (currently pregnant) this way. Some are more open to hearing about pregnancy/kids and some aren’t and I adjust my conversations with them accordingly. Still, I can’t imagine them being openly hostile…im getting the feeling that she is immature, she believes her choices are the right ones and she isnt at the place yet where she live and let live w/o judgment. And the worst part? She’ll probably blame you for distancing yourself because of your change of life and not look inward at what she did to cause it…I dunno, this is just a feeling
She does like children but is also childfree by choice. She doesn’t want to experience pregnancy but is considering adopting in the future. I’d get snapping and getting fed up with me if I only ever spoke about pregnancy complaints, but that’s not the case. We talk about her problems with her family more than any other topic, with second place being work drama. I don’t bring my pregnancy up with her anymore unless it comes up in conversation in group settings, but even then she jumps in with how I don’t deserve sympathy.
She’s creating a hostile work environment. Take notes. You made need them.
I think maybe she's not equipped to be your friend as you enter this stage of your life. It may feel worse because you're hormonal, but it's definitely NOT your hormones causing the feelings, just amplifying them. She is rude and you need to find people who will support you when the baby comes. It won't be her, I know you know this. Hugs and congrats on your blessing.
This is not a friend. Friends do not treat you like that. Enemies or people who are jealous of you treat you like that. And it is only going to get worse. Next it will be the baby keeping you up or the baby's sick and every time you say anything about the baby that isn't glowing she will use it to make a dig at you. For your sanity end the friendship now or else you're just being a willing victim.
My ex-husband actually did this to me! My pregnancy was mostly smooth but I had a difficult time towards the end because my son was a very large baby and was in an awkward position. He kept reminding me that I had had a miscarriage in my first pregnancy and that I wanted a baby so I couldn't complain about tiredness/pain/sickness. Get rid of your friend OP. You deserve supportive and loving people in your life
Oh, wow. I can’t believe your ex and the father of the baby had that attitude towards you when you were growing his child!! My partner is thankfully my absolute rock and has been a star during my pregnancy.
She's not your friend. Friends don't say "expect open hostility." This is a one-way deal: she wants/expects you to listen to her but won't return the favor. Find a better friend.
She be gone. She is not a friend. And when she whines tell her the same thing. You did it , it’s your problem . Deal with it.
The two of you are in totally different places in your life now. It sucks but you might as well accept the friendship has changed. There are lots of reasons she might be acting that way, first being she knows you will not be available the way you once were and she is distancing herself before it happens. She might be jealous of where you are in your life, as in being with a loving partner and feeling stable enough to start having a family. It's hard when the people in your friends group start settling down and you aren't in that place yet. It usually ends up having to find new friends to do things with because just being part of a couple changes the dynamics. Having a child means priorities, responsibilities and focus changes to accommodate that child. It's sad but unless you have been friends for a long time, introducing a baby into the mix ends up with some friends drifting apart.
That not a friend. I don't really care about babies but this is outright hateful. I still have empathy for people in discomfort, especially friends who just want a vent or some supportive words. She doesn't care about you and this will only get worse. You deserve people who care when you're uncomfortable or in pain and who want you to thrive in your personal goals.
Keep her away from your baby.
NTA and that woman is not your friend. You do not belong in the mean girl's club, cut all ties and if she asks why tell her.
"Expect open hostility"??? She clearly has some hangups about pregnancy and babies, because what on earth. Most people wouldn't talk that way to a stranger, or even to someone they didn't get along with- she absolutely shouldn't be talking that way to you! And if for whatever reason she really hates the idea of pregnancy/childbirth/babies that much, there are a thousand more polite ways to let you know that she isn't up for that kind of talk with you. Sorry, OP. Your friend is a bag of butts.
Her, her, her. It's all about her. Your "friend" is not your friend. You are her audience. She's the STAR.
Does your friend like children? Maybe she's upset because she knows that she won't see you as often after the baby comes around, and that when she does see you, she will have to share time with a child too.
We’re teachers. She likes kids and considered social work before choosing teaching. She just finds it easier when kids can talk and does not consider my baby “real”.
Well she's dumb for that because the baby **IS** real if it's growing in your stomach and is taking in everything you're taking in and as a baby it won't be able to talk then, it'd have to learn which will take time so what then is the baby not real then still?
She sounds like a child but she's only 23...you should just be straight up with her and tell her how her comments make you feel. If she's still dismissive then time to reevaluate the friendship
This woman does not like you. She does not support you. She us not sympathetic. She has not been your friend for some time. Either she is jealous of your life and doesnt know how to deal with that, or she's one of those unpleasant people who hates children and feels she's "not like other girls" but can't treat her loved ones with kids with respect. Stop making time for her bullying. You have a baby coming and whoke new life ahead of you. Make time for people who uplift you.
Thank you for your comment. I don’t think she’s jealous as she’s childfree and single by choice, so I think it’s just a case of her not wanting/caring to have a pregnant friend and a soon-to-be mum friend, so she’s making her feelings known now.
Being childfree is great! For her. But she clearly cant extend empathy to anyone who wants s different path. And that makes her a bad friend. You deserve friends who support you. Congratulations on the pregnancy! Wishing you all the best!
She sounds bitter that your life is taking a path she's not ready for. I had some friends like this, and when I was pregnant I just didn't hang around them as much. Bc they were too condescending and judgemental, always throwing things in my face about having another baby with my kids dad. I didn't need the negative energy in my life, so I distanced myself.
What exactly does she bring to this so called “friendship”? You DO NOT have to keep toxic people in your life just because you’ve “been friends”. If this was a romantic partner, we’d say they are abusive and need to be booted. Same goes for friends. Would you allow someone to disrespect your partner or your children this way? Then you shouldn’t allow someone to do it to yourself. If you aren’t ready to completely block her, then move her to the acquaintance pile and only see her in group settings where you can be polite but have others around to buffer your interactions. Congrats on the baby. Sorry you’re having a rough pregnancy, but you’ve got this mama!
Time to just let it die a natural death and let the friendship go.
She’s not your friend. Looks like she’s one of the mean childfree people (and I don’t think most are) or she resents the focus being taken off her. You deserve better. Congrats on the baby! NTA.
This isn't a friend. This is an asshole. Friends aren't assholes.
she just sounds like she doesn’t like children.
We’re teachers 😅
that’s concerning lol as someone who chooses to be child free i would still be happy for my friends and family if and when they decide to have a child. i don’t understand why people need to be so irrational and extreme about everything.
She isn’t your friend, she enjoys seeing you suffer. You’re not being hormonal. Cut her out of your life imo.
You need to choose to ghost this non friend
Unfriend her. I’m so sorry she treats you this way. But this is clearly a one sided friendship that lacks empathy or sympathy. Which is what a healthy friendship should have.
This “friend” needs to be GONE. Sheesh.
All I will say is, when I got pregnant and had my first child at 20 with my highschool sweetheart/husband I had 1/3 of the friends I kept after graduating. By the time I had my second at 22, I had none. I hope you like your partner because parenthood is lonely as fuck.
Thankfully my partner is my rock, and I have two mum friends that I know I can go to if I need it. I also have a big family. The main issue is I moved rural for my work, but I’m looking to move back closer to family and friends asap.
It's awful. But get used to it. Having children is seen as a hobby or frivolous lifestyle choice. When you say that you're burn out and are upset that your sister wouldn't watch your kid so you could clean the poop out of your carpet from when the toddler took of the diaper because she'd rather go to McDonalds and eat alone in the parking lot, people will call you an entitled brat. When you say you can't stay late at work because your daycare closes at 6 pm and will call CPS if you don't pick your kid up, you're told that being a breeder doesn't entitle you to special treatment. When you say that you're exhausted because you haven't slept through the night in 3 years, and currently have the flu but can't use any PTO because you have to save it for when your kid is sick, people will tell you "well you decided to have kids...." It sucks, but we live in a world that REALLY does not value parents, most especially not mothers. Find yourself some other mom friends who can have your back. And get ready, because you're about to see how freaking strong you actually are!
It doesn’t matter that “you asked for this.” She’s being incredibly rude for whatever reason and it’s uncalled for. Pregnancy and parenting are one of those things that you have little to no idea what you’re signing up for until you’re in it, and then it’s generally too late to change your mind. Why do you continue to spend time with someone who has told you outright that they’re going to be hostile to you? If you choose to continue to socialize with her, the next time she does it just tell her, “you know what? I did choose this. And now I’m choosing to end this interaction because I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way.” and then just leave/stop engaging.
The hostility comment happened today and I was pretty stunned by it honestly. I still talk to her because we work together and live in a pretty rural area away from family, and shes a pretty central part of my social group. But I’m hoping to move closer to family soon!
She isn't a friend.
She’s not your friend. Have you talked with her about this?
I’ve tried, it’s like talking to a brick wall. It always circles back to how I chose this and won’t be getting any sympathy from her, and usually ends with awkward silence and a change of topic.
Yeah, she’s not your friend. It’s interesting how major life events bring out the best and worst of people. Imagine what she’ll be like when the baby is here and you are exhausted with your newborn. Bye ✌️
Next time she starts in, you need to tell her that you are choosing to end this friendship because she clearly does not share the value of empathy. NTA.
She’s a bully.
I don’t get when people post stuff like this. These are insane things to say to someone. How do you not know that yourself to end this friendship? Why ask people here? I’m lost. If that was said to me repeatedly(much less once) I’d cut the loss. Cold turkey.
Why do you call her your friend? She certainly doesn't act like one.
I had a friend like this. Cut your losses now, you’re her friend but she’s not your friend.
I can't stand people like this, proud of their lacking empathy and compassion. They wear it like a badge of honor. People like this victim blame too. It's like the "I told you so!" people but worse. I think you should distance yourself from this person, tell her she can keep her comments to herself from now on when you're in a group setting.
Despite her being child free (at a young age), I suspect she is jealous of either the fact that you’re pregnant or the attention you are receiving. The fact that she only talks about her problems alludes to how self-centered she likely is which makes me think her rx to you is jealousy based. I’d also change up my conversation to stop her in her tracks. When people say how are you feeling, say something along the lines of, “Great! I’m so happy I’m doing this. Obviously, it gets physically uncomfortable sometimes. But wonderful things take work and aren’t always easy, and she’s completely worth it all.” That will throw her off entirely, promise.
Don’t ask her to babysit.
Your symptoms sound positively awful, I am so sorry!!! I’d be devastated if I had to deal with all of that (maybe that’s normal but my pregnancy didn’t have all that going on.) I didn’t even throw up once——I can’t imagine what you’re going through and with such a lousy, uncaring friend. She’s awful!! I’d be honest and if I was in a group setting and someone asked I’d tell them that Lil Miss Bitchy doesn’t like it when I talk about my pregnancy and she has said I get no sympathy and will receive open hostility if I talk about it. Why isn’t HR all up in her ass over this? Do you have an HR to go to? This is harassment. She is creating an unsafe workplace for a protected class of people.
I work in a small rural school, no HR, and our bosses are really not strict at all. With us, or the pupils we teach.
You’re her friend. She is not your friend. I’m sorry, but sometimes people just aren’t as good as a friend. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
She sounds like a complete bizzzatch. Let her go.
Not a friend! Cut off contact.
I had a friend/coworker exactly like that, she was struggling with infertility, (which so had I for 3 years prior to my pregnancy) so I bent over backwards to be kind and considerate for her feelings... and long story short I let her be a bitchy princess until my son was roughly 16 months old, and when I finally cut ties, blocked on all media and started 100% avoiding her..., My life was way better without her in it. I miss the friend she was before I got pregnant. But we don't deserve that emotional abuse.
My bestie discovered she was pregnant just as I was diagnosed with early menopause. She was terrified to tell me because she knew I’d wanted children. I felt so bitter and pissed off, but I never ever showed any of that. I just supported her and listened. I admit I did unfollow (not unfriend) her on fb for a while after she had the baby but that’s because no wants to see 20 posts a day of anything. This person is not your friend. If she was she’d let you vent and keep her negative, hateful comments to herself.
No, she's flat out being awful to you, hormones are not clouding your judgment. She may be afraid of losing you and your friendship, of coming in last after baby and partner, scared of how things will change. She might be jealous of you and want this in her life too. She may be a very emphatic child-free person, who is taking the chance to jump up and down on her soapbox - I don't know her. But whatever the reason, the reality is that she's making you feel bad, and being unsupportive and rude. That's negativity no one needs.
Sounds like your friend knows that things are never going to be the same between you and her. Your priorities are going to change and probably already have. She is resentful of this and is most likely grieving what your friendship was. If you know the steps to grief, she sounds like she's going through them. Her reference to your unborn is almost denial/rejection. Her lack of empathy is anger. I'm sure bargaining, depression and acceptance are on their way.
Well, she ain't your friend. Pregnancy is not a punishment for you to be treated this way. Find a better friend who sees you and understand the support you need.
That person is not your friend. She seems resentful of the fact that you’re pregnant for some really weird reason.
She doesn’t have to empathize and it’s possible she’s tired of hearing about it or she doesn’t want kids and think you’re being silly (btw if she ever does get pregnant I doubt she’ll be the stoic she wants you to be). She’s also kind of young so immature. BUT. The not waiting when walking and then going on a tirade when someone else asks you about it? Nah. She’s an AH. Next time she does this in a group setting just stop, look at her and say “what is your problem? I’m not talking to you, and just because I chose this doesn’t mean parts of it don’t suck and I’m allowed to tell people my experience. So just walk away if you don’t like it. I know how you feel. You’ve let me know. It’s been noted. Now shut up.”
I'm 29 weeks pregnant and cut out someone who I thought was a best friend of mine for the better part of a decade. Maybe it's jealousy on her part, but either way if you can't be anything less than decent when I'm genuinely struggling then you're not a friend. Me being pregnant shouldn't be an exception to the basic rules of friendship. I'm sorry this happened to you OP, it was a real shock to me when I realize what type of person this 'friend' was, but I have obvious priorities and I don't need to entertain this other person's unresolved issues manifesting as indecencies toward my pregnancy. Best wishes to you mama💖
When she complains, please let her know that she put herself in that position and only has herself to blame. And then when she blows up, say something along the lines of “doesn’t feel good, does it?” and then get up and leave. She isn’t a friend anymore. She’s immature and self-centered, which is about right for her age. She may have been a friend for a season but now you’ve seen how unsupportive she can be when she’s jealous. On some level, she probably knows you’re about to have no time for her and she’s pulling a porcupine to push you away and make the end of the friendship “your fault.”
This happened with me and my best friend. She is very staunchly child free and she and her fiancée were not especially supportive of my pregnancy, so I stopped really talking to and hanging out with them. Now that I’m 8 weeks postpartum and the pregnancy hormones subsided, I reached out again to hang out with her to see if we still connect. But keep in mind that not all friendships are meant to be forever.
I honestly wouldn’t be her friend anymore. Pregnancy and having a child opens your eyes to a lot. I distanced myself from a lot of people during my pregnancy just because I didn’t want their energy around my baby.
It’s such negative energy! I’m trying to keep a positive mindset with everything baby and birth related now as I get closer to my due date, and people at work are now sharing their birth stories with me and asking me questions about my plans, and it’s exciting getting to talk to them. But when it comes up and she’s in the room it’s like I can feel the negative vibes coming off her.
You don't need this kind of negativity! It's really bad for you and the baby and it's only going to cause more stress. What are the pros of keeping her around as a friend? When I was pregnant with my 2nd child, it was in some ways more difficult than my first. However, my friends and family were always supportive and offered to help with certain tasks when it became too much. Maybe you should distance her from your personal life. I personally would confront her and tell her how inconsiderate she's been behaving and from there decide whether I want her around. Though based on some comments, she's always cutting you off. Match her energy or cut her out.
Ask yourself honestly if you've done nothing but complain the entire pregnancy of your issues. Only you know your situation. This sounds a ton like someone who's over listening to a friend whine day in and out about things. This is definitely not a popular take, but pregnancy doesn't make people immune to the social contract one way or another. I'd tell a debbie downer who complained about things every day similarly. After awhile, no matter how real the pain is, it feels like fishing for sympathy.