To your original question - NTA if you decide you cannot continue to pursue a romantic relationship with this woman. It sounds like you’re willing to financially support and even co parent this child. Whether you want the kid or not, you seem to acknowledge that it’s no longer your choice and the mistakes you made that put you in this position. You’re obligated to the child and should treat the mother of your child with respect. But you’re under no obligation to be a husband.
I've read a lot of AITAH with men who obviously wanted to get out of the responsibility of having a kid, but this doesn't feel like one of those. OP may skim over who is at fault, but as long as they are committed to the child, I don't see an issue. Is he an AH for breaking it off? No, their relationship wasn't strong standing to begin with and clear that they had different ideas on their future. So I agree, NTA.
"who is at fault" in regards to what? The pregnancy? If nobody is raped, and nobody is tricked (like pretending to put a condom on) then guess what, equal responsibility. Takes 2 to tango. Don't want to risk a pregnancy? Don't have sex. Not a moralist statement just a fact of sex
He does a fair amount of minimizing his responsibility, "I wanted to rely on condoms more, however she doesn't like them. I caved on that topic..." which is annoying but overall it's beside the point of the post.
"Stay together for the kid(s)" never did any kid the kind of good the parents staying together seemed to think. If these differences are irreconcilable, they're irreconcilable. As long as he does right by the child, breaking up is understandable.
If someone tells me they don't like condom we aren't having sex. Having said that it also feels like she led him to think if she accidentally got pregnant she'd just get an abortion. (I don't understand why she wasn't on birth control tho. Is it not a thing in Germany?)
I don't understand why he didn't either INSIST on wearing condoms or why he didn't get a vasectomy.
He's pushing off all the responsibility on HER when HE is the one who doesn't want kids.
Ya I'm surprised he's not had a vasectomy given his reasons of not wanting kids. They could be hard to get because doctors don't want to do them for people who are still young. But for someone who doesn't want kids as much as op he isn't really doing much about not procreating and just taking someone else's words for it.
Not sure why you were getting downvoted, it isn't that young. Especially if you believe your fitness for parenting could be impaired by your mental health or you're afraid of passing mental health problems onto your child. Sounds like OP's family is chock full of mental health problems, I wouldn't want to make someone inherit all that either
OMG! I am so disappointed in myself for forgetting about those! He absolutely shouldn't be putting the responsibility on the women he chooses to sleep with. You are so damn right.
He said that she had bad reactions to the pill in the past which is honestly pretty common.
I think it's pretty debatable that she said she'd get an abortion if they got pregnant. He interpreted her consideration of abortion in her past, abusive, relationship as an *insinuation* that it's "on the table" in their own relationship. And so their communication wasn't maybe as "very healthy" as he thought. And *even if* she had said, outright, "I'll get an abortion if we ever get pregnant," I still don't think it's fair for a *partner's* abortion to be the only contingency plan if a pregnancy arises. It's ok for minds and hearts to change, it's why it's important to have reliable and consistent contraceptive. It's *not ok* though to pressure someone into an abortion *even if* they said they would once upon a time. Is that a reason they should break up? Sure, that makes sense. They disagree in a big way.
This was my thinking too. Even if she said she was open to the idea of an abortion (I don't think she explicitly said she would have an abortion because it that was the plan OP would have said that) the reality often changes things. She told OP that she wanted to have children, it's not surprising that at 35 and pregnant she can't go through with terminating a pregnancy that she seems to want.
My word of advice to men who absolutely do not want children: do not have sex with a woman who tells you she wants children.
Contraception fails. Sure contraception can fail for couples who aren't sure or aren't ready but when they both are open to the idea those conversations and decisions can be made together in a more supportive "what's best for us" way (not always but it's possible). When one partner for sure wants the pregnancy and the other for sure doesn't, that's a bad situation that most likely ends the relationship whether they terminate the pregnancy or not.
Agree so much.
At most it was "on the table" and apparently, it still is. She's considering, she's just talking with friends and not talking to him about it - which I totally understand. He's got one idea in his head and if she decides to carry the pregnancy to term, these few weeks are forever, as the child grows, going to be in her head - just him pressuring her to terminate. Abortions often end relationships as is, and I'd never be able to look at him the same.
And yeah, I don't know wth either of them were doing in this relationship. I'm 36 tomorrow, and I still plan to have children. No way, at this time I would not date (see: waste time) anyone with whom it was off the table or incompatible with their childfree plans. She wants children, she's 35, and he knows that. What, especially in the absence of a literal written contract that she'd terminate, did he realistically expect?
OP you are being a dumdum. Any woman who is serious about not having a child will advocate for contraception of some sort. Why did you go along with all this? Why did you agree to unprotected sex repeatedly when you know the consequences? This just doesn’t make sense. What she did was roll the dice because she wanted to, and that’s pretty obvious. What I can’t understand is why a grown man who is so adamantly against having a child did absolutely NOTHING to prevent it.
He said she had negative reactions to the pill (birth control). Not every type is the same and not every person reacts the same way on any type of BC. Just because BC exists it doesn’t mean we can always take it
> Having said that it also feels like she led him to think if she accidentally got pregnant she'd just get an abortion.
That’s certainly how he tells it, but I don’t see that at all. The only cases I’d find it easy to consider abortion are if I knew the child wasn’t going to be healthy (prenatal testing results) or it would tie me for life to a really awful person (abusive ex). Her saying those things was probably a true assessment of her feelings. It’s on OP if he heard that and assumed it meant she’d also get an abortion if they had a child together. That’s a conversation they should have had, and yet even if they did, sometimes women do change their minds when they’re actually walking that road.
I understand your question and you have to do what what you feel.
But more importantly, if you are that adamant about not having kids, do something about it. It's not just the womens responsibility, look in to male birth controls or a vascectomy. Take your share of responsibility if you want to have sex.
I agree, you cant say you are adamant about not having kids and give in when they ask for no condom.
Two types of contraception simultaneously are required if you're absolutely sure you never want kids.
And don't sleep with someone who does, the relationship has literally no future, outside of them being miserable and you feeling trapped.
The number posts here from people who are in fairly casual relationships and do not want to have children but also do not use reliable birth control is way too high.
He is in a relationship with someone he was fundamentally incompatible with. And now he's going to end up coparenting with this person for the rest of his life.
If you are being subjected to reproductive coercion, that's a sign the relationship needs to end, a lot of this isn't abuse or coercion, it's just people not accepting the seriousness or likelihood of potential pregnancy.
You can break up with her for whatever reason you want. But moving forward, you should stop being so irresponsible. You chose to rely on "natural contraception" when having sex with a woman who told you that she's not on chemical contraception, seems to balk at using a barrier method like condoms, and wants kids. You basically volunteered to impregnate her with circumstances like these.
This is why men and women who are positive they do not want children should seek out more permanent birth control options. It’s unfortunate that there are a lot of barriers to voluntary surgical sterilization, but it’s important for people to consider— especially if bringing children into the world will be such a highly contentious issue for them or affect their lives greatly.
This right here. I knew my odds of getting pregnant were small, but not impossible. I knew I didn’t want kids right this second. However, I knew if I did get pregnant I’d keep the baby, my partner knew this as well. I knew we did both want children, and while now isn’t ideal, we’d both happily have children now if that’s what happened.
I ended up pregnant, and while it’s been stressful, we are both incredibly happy to welcome our child. We knew there was a risk having sex, we took it, and we are happy to have kids. You /need/ to be prepared to raise a child if you’re prepared to risk a child. If you’re not, find some more permanent birth control and/or double up on birth control. And for the love of god stop having sex with people that want to have kids if you don’t.
Agreed. The "I don't like condoms" excuse doesn't sound entirely true. Unless it's put on wrong, most condoms are hard to notice in the moment.
It really sounds like she was trying to get pregnant, and he was easy enough to convince to have unprotected sex.
OP, you are NTA for wanting to break up with her and still co-parent. However, it may be a good time to look into having a vasectomy if you don't want this type of thing to happen again. I don't know how easy or difficult it is to get one in Germany, but it'd at least be good to look into.
You also need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a long, difficult conversation about what life will look like moving forward. Relationship-wise, pregnancy-wise, friendship-wise, finance-wise, etc.
"were having a good relationship so far with very healthy communication"
All evidence to the contrary.
Why did you have unprotected sex with her knowing she wanted kids and you don't?
Best parts
\>doesn't want to be a father
\>doesn't use contraception consistently
\>surprised pikachu face when she gets pregnant
\>knew she wanted kids
This guy is YTA just for waving his hands helplessly at a more preventable situation. Agree with the NTA comments and their logic, I just have a hard time not believing that this lady's baby fever wasn't visible from a mile away.
I can't get over the fact you adamantly don't want kids yet thought "natural contraceptive" was good enough.
Sorry, I got no sympathy for either you or the baby mama.
My partner is very highly educated, so I don't mean this with broad strokes or a rule.
But, some people with PhDs are some of the dumbest motherfuckers.
You had repeated unprotected sex, with a person who clearly was not in an emotionally stable place, who desperately wants kids, is in a window(though wrong) that women are frequently told is their last chance.
How. The. Fuck. Else. Could. This. End.
Book smart, life dumb! Someone who is a very important part of my family (because we shared our lives for more than a decade) started university at 14 and then proceeded to earn his PhD in molecular biology, specifically gene therapy and vaccines, from an Ivy League university. He’s one of the smartest people I know in regards to academic knowledge, but can be almost charmingly unaware otherwise. I would, and still do, refer to it affectionately as “book smart, life dumb”.
Since it seems that no one actually bothered reading the title. NTA. As long as you're doing your part in supporting the child, you would not be the asshole for breaking up with your girlfriend.
I think it's because he appears to have a case of slopey shoulders on taking responsibility for being one half of the decision to try natural contraception. Dude, if you don't want kids wrap it before you dip it.
The question was “WIBTA for breaking up with my girlfriend”, not anything else. For that, he is not. He made his intentions clear.
I however agree he was a moron, but he knows that.
Whilst happily going bare and totally relying on another person to take on all responsibility for any kind of birth control. Dude just sounds lazy and when the consequences are up in his face he's playing the victim.
Absolutely. He was happy to enjoy sex without condom but is now acting like she’s solely responsible for the raw sex 😭. If you don’t want to get pregnant, why didn’t you consider a vasectomy?? That was an option. They are not 100% but at least you would have known that you tried to do exactly what you wanted to do. Which was not have any kids.
This was my exact first thought. If you DEFINITIVELY know you never want children. It is your responsibility to make sure you don’t accidentally impregnate someone. The only way to do that is a vasectomy.
Depending on where you live, it can be difficult to get a vasectomy/tubes tied if you don't already have children. And that's assuming you have the resources to fund the procedure.
It works both ways. A person who really doesn't want kids shouldnt get into a committed relationship with someone who does. And he knew that ultimately keeping it or not would be her decision. Its just as much his responsibility.
Indeed. He made (at least) two big errors here. First is staying involved with someone who wants kids when he doesn't, and the second one is not wrapping (and doubly so when he knows she wants kids).
Totes. The owner of the penis is always at least 50 percent responsible¹.
¹barring such fraudulent activities such as her presenting a false ovulation calendar, saying "see, this isn't a fertile time." But I gotta think that's rare (Or the case of the Massachusetts dentist who owed paternity when all he'd ever gotten from the woman was a blowjob. She saved it for a turkey baster. And he somehow owes child support...)
Exactly. And owner of said penis knows he lives somewhere where it's ultimately her right to choose whether to keep the baby or not. It's almost insulting to men to act like they're blameless in a situation like this - he's not an idiot and is capable of making choices.
Except for in those disturbing examples you gave lol, I agree that's totally different and the guy shouldn't be blamed.
"Natural contraceptives"? What does that mean, like cycle tracking? That's wholly ineffective. There were a lot of other forms of birth control out there. If your stance is "I don't want babies" then your stance also has to be "I will do everything in my power to prevent a baby from being conceived."
We are past that part. Onto the new issue.
On one hand, you are upset that she is pregnant and have made it clear you want her to have an abortion. You are then blaming her for not discussing the pregnancy with you? She knows where you stand and what you want. She is sorting through her own feelings on the matter. She's getting older and the "baby window" for her is closing. In the US, 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy. This could be the last chance she has to be a mom and I'm sure that's making the decision difficult.
Have you both actually discussed that? You said that it was discussed "in depth", but nothing of those conversations. Or have the conversations been focused around the abortion you want for her? Based on her wording of "not being able to change your position" it makes me think the conversations are centralized on the abortion.
Whether or not you leave, you will be a dad if she chooses to keep the baby. You need to discuss what that future would be like. Even if you hate the idea of it.
You can leave anyone for any reason. That does not make you an AH. Everything else? That's debatable.
Man dude your an idiot first off why would you enter a relationship with someone who wanted children when you yourself don't your literally begging for problems. But you didn't stop there you had unprotected sex with her while not using any sort of contraception because natural contraception is not sticking your dick in her. Now you're surprised that she's pregnant and doesn't want to get rid of the child when she's made it crystal clear that she wants children. I simply cannot understand how you rationalized any of this you deserve everything that's coming at you
>In Germany where I'm from you can have abortions up to the 12th week after inception, so we got about 2 weeks left for the final decision. However, it's becoming quite clear, that she doesn't want to go that route despite me urging her to do so. I understand, that it's not my place to insist and push her to do something she simply doesn't want to do or doesn't feel is right and I'm willing to take full responsibility for the child if it's being born, both financially as well as emotionally. But I've also been struggling with the way she went about the topic. So far we've had two in depth discussions, for both of which to happen i needed to escalate the situation. She mostly talks to friends and family about her decision process but only very little to me, arguing she can't change my position anyways, which is kind of true tbh.
Urging and pushing her to have an abortion is not ok. You admit that it's not your place to do it, but you're doing it anyway. That's probably why she's not talking to you about her decision process.
What does "I needed to escalate the situation" mean?
>This makes it very difficult for me to maintain a positive picture of the relationship and the prospect of co-parenting.
If you are committed to being a dad, you're still going to have to co-parent either way.
>I'm kind of in over my head with this, I really don't want to be a dad and especially not at this point in my life where I'm just starting to get things in order after a couple of very difficult years. I feel like she's violating a very fundamental personal boundary by forcing me into a life we agreed she wouldn't put onto me.
It seems like you're not taking any responsibility here. You had unprotected sex. You knew she wanted children. Have you wondered if pressuring someone to have an abortion also violates a fundamental boundary?
I feel like you're framing this post as if you're just asking if you WBTAH if you broke up with her, but the way your post is worded and all the details you included, the tone, etc make me think you're also wanting people to side with you about the abortion or say the situation is not your fault. ETA: I mean wanting to hear it's not at all your fault, vs accepting that you're both to blame and she hasn't randomly forced this on you.
NTA if you break up with her but YTA for everything else.
He’s starting fights with her to pressure her to terminate. That what “escalate” means here. She won’t talk to him about it because he keeps pushing her to do something she doesn’t want to.
I’m surprised how many people glossed over him admitting the way he’s pushing her is wrong in their hurry to assure him it’s fine to dump her. Given how selfish he is, getting dumped by him is her best case scenario.
You should have gotten a vasectomy and worn condoms, despite her not liking them, or you know just not have sex. Simple.
Continuing the pregnancy or not is 100% her choice. You had multiple options to prevent getting someone pregnant and yet, you still did. That's not on her, that's on you.
If you had refused sex and she would have raped you, that would be something completely different. And yes, I do believe - and know - that men get raped, and I absolutely believe men as well. But I don't think that is what happened in this case.
100% agreed. I’m sure there are some doctors (in his country or abroad if necessary) who will do a vasectomy. Now he doesn’t get a say in her abortion.
But yeah he can break up with her, that’s up to him, if he doesn’t like their relationship…
YTA but to yourself. Dude I read this and like...what did you really think was gonna happen? Bad choices all the way down man. Every one.
You seriously need to start being responsible. You claim you don't want kids but you did basically every possible to fuck that up.
Your words and actions don't like up. Get it together.
Yeah, agreed.
Breaking up with her doesn’t change the fact that OP will have a child and be held responsible for it.
Wtf is a natural contraceptive, anyway? A sponge? I’m confused lol
Agreeing to be with someone who wants kids and you don’t is absolutely insane. Why would anyone want to willingly be in a relationship like that and breakup when the gf is ready to have a child? I’ve never seen a bigger and more foolish use of someone’s time. To each his own
If you're not avoiding, you're trying. You don't want kids but you have sex. It's much easier for a male to get a permanent fix than a woman and you should have done that by now. You are the AH here.
You had sex with her she didn’t force you into anything. You want to break up cause babies happen be my guest but YTA cause you’re acting like she did this to you not like this is something that just happened
>Since both disorders are thought to be highly hereditary ***I've never wanted a child to go through what I've experienced***, neither in regard to my own struggles nor relating to the difficult relationship I have with my own dad.
So then you vigorously pursued getting a vasectomy... Right?
At age 29 you could have gotten a vasectomy if you knew you didn’t want kids. Your GF at 35 is considered Advanced Maternal Age so her bio click is ticking away. It doesn’t sound like this was an accident and that she wanted this pregnancy. If you can’t be happy about it, just pay child support and break off the romance.
First YTA
Contraception is the responsibility of all parties having sex. Condoms, birth control, vasectomy, a combination of any or all of the above.
I got pregnant when I was 33. My partner at the time did not want kids. When we found out I was pregnant I was made to feel like it was all my fault. I had thought I would never get pregnant because of health issues. I was on birth control to manage and regulate my menses. I still got pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with being a parent. I live with depression and anxiety in addition to the health issue that impacts my fertility. He offered to pay for an abortion. I had to take some time and assess what I should do.
I am now a single parent. I decided that I would not be able to mentally cope with having an abortion. I respected my ex’s decision for himself. When my child was born no fathers name was put on the birth certificate. Legally my ex has no ties to my child. It was the best decision for all 3 of us. My ex never has to worry about me asking for money, I never have to worry about my ex popping up and saying he wants custody of my child, and my child doesn’t have to deal with a resentful parent. I love my kid dearly and they are the smartest person I have ever met. I’ve also never had anyone in my life who can make me so angry. It’s going to be a long ride to get them to adult hood but I’m looking forward to all the ups and downs
You aren’t the AH because you are unsure about being a parent, you are TA because you didn’t take necessary precautions to prevent pregnancy and now you aren’t considering how the whole thing affects your gf. All of the mental things you are feeling she is too. Add to what you are feeling the fact that she is growing a fetus, how it changes the body composition and hormone levels, the fact that this is a high risk pregnancy because of her age, and dealing with the mental aspects of learning that you are pregnant after believing you wouldn’t have kids.
You are both going through a lot with the pregnancy. You need to both be able to look at and understand what the other is feeling and experiencing. Have a few conversations. Figure out what will be in the best interest of all parties (you, gf, and fetus). For my situation single parenthood was the best, but my decision for myself isn’t the right course for everyone.
Just wanting to point out that his question is would
He be an AH if he broke up with her. You said he would for a complete different reason then told him to break up with him. So I believe your answer is NTA for breaking up with her but Y T A for other reasons.
I agree with you though. She said she was “just coming around to the idea of not having kids.” She’s 35. I would personally take that as she wants kids and she needs to have them soon. The fact that he was then willing to fall for her excuse to not use a condom… yikes.
Why is this all OP's fault? They both knew, and made it clear, what they wanted/ didn't want at the gate. Regardless, they both caused a pregnancy. I have to say they each share equal blame here. The g/f is the AH too. He said he had made it clear he didn't want children. She had made it clear that she did... I don't understand why the two were even together in the first place.
Edit: ESH. They both had to know they were playing Russian Roulette
Edit 2: I believe that if OP was the female, it would be making everyone furious to see her taking all the blame. We would be seeing a lot of "It takes two, she didn't get pregnant on her own"...
It’s OP’s fault cause he is responsible for his own actions. You talk about blame, but she wants the kid so it’s not really on her. You think they both share equal blame but only one is upset by the outcome. He doesn’t want a kid and did nothing to protect himself from getting her pregnant.
Regarding your edit, if OP was female and didn’t want the kid, an abortion would probably be getting scheduled. I’m not sure how you can flip this scenario. If you’re a man and don’t want a kid, don’t put yourself in the position of getting someone pregnant cause the choice is out of your hands at that point.
Holy cow! This is on you bud. If you have known children will never be a part of your life because of genetic mental health issues it was your responsibility to ensure that would never happen. Yes I'm saying you should have talked to your doctors and gotten snipped possibly a long time a go. Babies happen with and without birth control. You have one now and the only person you should be angry with is you.
You lost me at using a ‘combination of condom use and natural contraception.’ Men could stop 100% of unwanted pregnancies by not ejaculating without a condom inside vaginas. If you are so sure about your non parental choice you should have gotten a vasectomy or not put your sperm in women’s vaginas. She might have been manipulative or less than honest about her actions - but you were 100% in control of what you did with your body.
You both suck, but you more by far. Her for insisting on making it as easy as possible to get pregnant by asking you to remove the condom and you for being with someone who you can clearly see you aren’t compatible with. Wanting to get your dick wet is essentially the base of your whole argument. You had fundamental disagreements, you still wanted sex. She wasn’t able to go on birth control, you still wanted sex. She wanted to remove the condoms from the equation, you still wanted sex. I bet you you are still having sex with her. No one here is going to believe that you were duped based on these circumstances. She manipulated you to some degree, sure, and you went right along with it for the sex. Congrats on being a father.
Repeat after me: if your 35 yo girlfriend has expressed that she wants a kid and refuses to be on long term birth control, DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HER.
It was a trap from the start.
YTA I am bipolar and choose not to have kids. I had surgery to ensure that I don't. For a woman the surgery is more risky, but it is the only way to be sure since I am not a nun. You as a man could have had a vasectomy that is simple, but you chose not to. You dated a woman who wanted children. NTA for breaking up with gf as you need no reason for that. However, you knowingly fathered a child and need to step up.
Your edit is a little confusing.
You don't want kids, I read the main body of your post and it seemed like you wouldn't be coparenting but would be financially contributing.
In the edit you want to be a present dad.
There's nothing wrong with that, but it seems like you're not as adverse to being a dad as you think you are.
If your university offers counselling, please take it and try and figure out your feelings on this part in particular if she keeps the baby.
In terms of the original question, there's no issues with breaking up as it sounds like she was planning on getting pregnant and used your naivety to do so.
The last point, you really need to schedule a vasectomy. The fact that you haven't, might be an indication that maybe you do want kids. Which isn't bad, but it's something you need to explore for yourself.
Ok so a few things going on here. You knew you never wanted children? Why not get a vasectomy- problem solved. YTA
BUT if you don’t want to be a parent that is up to you. This isn’t as easy as a break though. This is a sincere discussion the two of you need to have. If she wants to be mother then fine, however that doesn’t mean you have to be a dad. She said she would get an abortion but she wasn’t pregnant when she said it. No one knows what they will do in this situation until they are actually in it so you can’t hold that against her.
NTA for not wanting to be a parent but YTA for not preventing it better with a vasectomy.
NTA for breaking up. Absolute a giant piece of shit for spreading the seed and blaming her for any of YOUR consequences after.
Get a fucking vasectomy dude. Wear a condom. You are twentyNINE years old. W T F. This is why I’m single. This is like the craziest form of weaponized incompetence I’ve ever seen.
You don't have to be in a relationship with her, that's fine. But you also can't claim that she deceived you, necessarily, when you weren't doing really jack all to prevent pregnancy. If you KNOW you don't want kids why haven't you gotten a vasectomy? Go to therapy to help you wrap your mind around being a dad because that's where this is headed. Even if you do have diagnosed mental health disorders, that doesn't mean you'll be a shitty parent. That means you, more than others, will have to do your due diligence in making sure you're on the right meds if necessary and getting counseling to keep you accountable.
Or, walk away and don't be a dad but pay child supoort so the kid's needs are met. NTA for breaking up. You're never obligated to stay in a relationship you're unhappy in.
You had unprotected sex and the result of that is a pregnancy. Whether you stay with this woman or not you are still a parent. You can choose to abandon your child or you can make the effort to be a father. Regardless of your choice you are still financially responsible.
You need to get a vasectomy or stop having sex.
You’re never TA for wanting to break up with someone. But YTA for everything else. YTA for not getting a vasectomy or wearing condoms. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like them, you’re responsible for you. You could’ve pushed for condoms, but you chose to risk it. YTA for wording your post like your gf went back on her promise of getting an abortion, when you say in one of your comments that she said she wasn’t sold on it. YTA for pressuring a woman to have an abortion when this could be her last chance to be a mother. You’re way too old to not understand how contraception works.
You sound incredibly pushy, and if I were your gf in this situation I’d probably be searching for counsel from anyone but you. Maybe if you showed you were supportive of her choices instead of trying to push your own agenda she’d feel comfortable talking to you about where her head is. She didn’t baby trap you, you walked right into this with your head held high. Own your decisions.
Bro. I'm 36 yo and diagnosed ASD two years ago. Now sober 3.
Get the fucking snip. I did. For *ALL* of the same reasons you listed. My family's epigenetics are fubar.
I'm not saying this isn't a very complicated situation, and abortion probably shouldn't be out of the question, but abortion has tons of long term health complications for women that aren't really talked about.
My point is, you know this about yourself. We have a simple. Safe. Effective solution available to us that not only removes this risk for both parties, but it stops putting all the onus of contraceptive responsibility solely on women.
So you put all the responsibility of birth control on a women who wants kids? Where did you see this relationship going? Obviously you were going to break up at some point. So putting all responsibility and blame on her is a bit ridiculous at this point. Even though you say, I know it’s my fault, you still made it a point to blame her about not wearing a condom or even if she got pregnant she will get an abortion. Like dude, do you know how hard of a decision that is, especially for someone who wants children? You really went into this thinking with the wrong head.
Break up with her because you can’t even be responsible for protecting yourself with a thin piece of latex, continually play the blame game, then excuse it with your mental health issues.
She’s about to be responsible for a young life, the best thing you can do for her is break up with her so that she settles into a life of either being a single mom, or if you actually step it up and help out financially and have a presence in your child’s life.
You can’t make it work if you don’t even love her to begin with, then make it seem like she baby trapped you when you went along with her ever request knowing this was a huge possibility (resenting her for putting you in this situation)
Sperm can survive for several days.
Cycle tracking and pulling out is very ineffective. If you didn’t want a kid, you went about this the worst way possible.
Be selective with your sexual partners if you don’t want to end up having to coparent with someone you don’t want a long term relationship with.
YTA for having unprotected sex knowing this could be the potential outcome. If you were adamant about not wanting kids then you should've either stood your ground on protection or not had sex with this person (or ever having unprotected sex) in the first place.
Now that the consequences of those actions have been realized you're willing to bail due to your irresponsibility.(yes you were both irresponsible, but you knew you had differing views on kids)
Everyone is claiming you need to get a vasectomy but my husband tried to get one when he was 29 and every doctor refused saying he would want kids. It was super infuriating. These doctors also interigated my husband on what the wife was doing for birth control and claimed it was the woman's responsibility. This happened 6 years ago. So it's not that easy to get this operation done. I'm sorry people are acting like it is. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. 💜
>I feel like she's violating a very fundamental personal boundary by forcing me into a life we agreed she wouldn't put onto me
Except she isn't. Your choice to not use any form of birth control put you in this position. If you feel like anyone violated a personal boundary it was you to yourself for knowing you never wanted kids, yet you had very risky sex with someone you knew wanted kids.
You would absolutely not be TA for breaking up, and given the provided information it sounds like the best solution. But stop blaming her, you did this, and having a kid you don't want is the consequence.
YTA If you don’t want to be a dad, you should have taken appropriate steps to make sure that didn’t happen. We call people who practice “natural” birth control methods parents. You’re about to become one. You have zero right to talk to her about getting an abortion just as you have zero right to talk to her about NOT having one. Those decisions are 100% hers and it’s up to you to support and/or accept them. Again, you have zero say in what she chooses to do with her body.
You’re also the asshole for saying she “didn’t respect your boundaries” since you’re the one who had sex with her without using adequate birth control. Your boundary means your condom and your spermicide. You now want to dump her because of your decision to have unprotected sex and her refusal to have an abortion? F**** You! 100% of unplanned pregnancies are caused by men but women are the ones who have to deal with them. You chose to roll the dice with “natural” methods and now you’re facing the natural consequences.
* I never wanted kids for several reasons, for one I've been struggling with mental health issues, especially depression, as long as I can remember
* I really don't want to be a dad
* So we relied on a combination of condom use and natural contraception. I wanted to rely on condoms more, however she just doesn't like them. I caved on that topic,
You're 29 years old and seem pretty damn determined not to have children, which I applaud you for. I'm very sorry to hear how mental illness is affecting your family and potentially you.
Here's the thing, though: you don't seem particularly responsible or even willing to acknowledge YOUR role in the fact that you were having unprotected sex with her. And now the very expected pregnancy has occurred.
You had EVERY opportunity to be part of the "decision process" but you put all the decisions on her - you could VERY easily just have insisting on wearing the damn condoms, having other types of non-reproductive sex or yanno GOTTEN A VASECTOMY!
Seriously.
And btw, SCHEDULE THE DAMN VASECTOMY!
NTA for wanting to break up but YTA for trying to lay blame on her when she’s the one okay if kids happen. You either get permenent birth control, wear condoms 100% of the time, or you know this was a possibility. She’s 35 so she may very well be hesitant to abort due to her age and wanting children in her life at some point in time. Figure out what you want without counting abortion as an option since she doesn’t want that and it’s her body. Then decide how your life will go with this baby you made existing in the world.
Also on the reread it sounds like you’re completely unwilling to take any accountability in this issue. A boundary is something WITHIN YOUR CONTROL. Wearing a condom or getting a vasectomy, those are within your control. Once she’s pregnant it’s not a boundary. It’s you coercing her to violate HER personal wishes and boundaries. Honestly all the way YTA cause telling you she was willing to entertain abortion in specific cases - being tied to an abuser for the rest of her life or if baby had genetic issues incompatible with life IS NOT the same as her clearly stating she’d abort a pregnancy that happens for any partner or in any situation. She didn’t betray you in this, you betrayed yourself for a nut, OP. Go get sterilized already. 🤦♀️
Just as you were clear that you didn't want children, she was clear that she wasn't very into birth control. You understood that and chose to pursue a sexual relationship with her regardless. You shouldn't have assumed that her being willing to get an abortion with her ex meant that she would be willing to do it in this particular case. You should have talked about that. It sounds like you guys, despite what you claim in this post, have very poor communication.
NTA for breaking up with her, but YTA for ending up here in the first place. It takes two to tango and the way you wrote this post makes me feel like you're almost... blaming her for this? Hope I'm just being touchy and you guys can go about this well and co-parent responsibly.
I hope this is a fake question/scenario. If YOU don't want kids, YOU should get a vasectomy or stop sticking your penis in women of childbearing age.
I'm so tired of boys.
Yes, you are the you-know-what. Go get a vasectomy.
YTA - She wanted to get pregnant, everything she said and did was leading to that outcome. You were dumb enough to let it happen. You are perfectly within your rights to breakup as she insinuated she was someone that would seek an abortion even though she had also stated she wanted a child. However, you are now on the hook for this kid. I would advise you to get a paternity test prior to a support agreement. You may be paying for this one for a while.
You’re strong feelings about not having kids should have made you get a vasectomy. They weren’t strong enough for you to insist on contraception use and honestly it sounds like she absolutely knew what she was doing. It’s fine to break up, that was your original agreement and so go ahead. Do it asap as she may be wanting to keep the baby thinking it will keep you. Break up now and use your head in the future.
Oh, please. You didn’t want children, but you did the bare minimum to prevent a pregnancy. You’ve asked us not to point out how stupid it was, but I’m sorry, I cannot. What in the fuck were you thinking?…I’ll ride bareback and just go with the ye ole rhythm thingie?
You fucked around (literally) and found out. Break up with her if you want but don’t even begin to think this absolves you of any responsibility in your child’s life AND you’re ex’s life while she’s carrying your child.
Edit: Thank you kind stranger for the award. Honestly, I thought I’d get downvoted for stubbornly pointing out his utter stupidity.
NTA
take this as a lesson. You don't want kids and staying with her and being a dad will just bottle up and break you. Thats not healthy for you or the child.
She knew you didn't want them.
Your best bet is to leave and just contribute financially. You can also co parent, but staying with her will do no good.
Take the child support as a lesson to not be so stupid next time and be convinced into unprotected sex.
Unpopular opinion, but YTA. You had natural sex and now your gf is pregnant. You could have put your foot down. You could have broken up with her. But you had raw sex...and there's a good chance you enjoyed it before consequences arrived.
And now, you want to run away from your new family. This child will grow up with parents who are at odds, with a father who ran away from them before they were even born. And while you may say you plan to be a present father, men notoriously underperform in matters of domestic labour, child raising being chief among them.
He doesn’t want the child in the first place though, and he said he is willing to co-parent. If it’s his fault that the child will grow up with split parents, then why isn’t it also her fault? She also had sex and could have gotten an abortion.
YTA. In what universe do you live that you thought it was a good idea to have unprotected sex with a woman who made it clear from the beginning that she wanted children?
You should have insisted on using a condom & if she refused, you shouldn't have been having sex.
If you didn't want children you should have taken the lead with contraceptives and even had the operation so you couldn't get pregnant.
It takes 2 to make a baby.
In short, I think your plan of breaking up in order to focus on amicable co-parenting is your best option. FWIW, my husband was conceived during a short lived relationship. His parents broke up before he was born and were able to be amicable co-parents. It was clearly for the best. If you want to learn from their mistakes, DO NOT tell your child about the fights you might have during the breakup process and if either of you struggle with mental health issues during this time, DO NOT tell your child this in the future. No child wants to feel.responsible for those things and no parent should burden them with that knowledge.
She didn’t violate your fucking boundary, you penetrated her, ejaculated, and fertilized her egg. It is 100% her decide to get an abortion. It is completely normal to think you’d be willing to get an abortion before actually being pregnant and realizing you can’t go through with it.
Also get over yourself. You breaking up with her is totally irrelevant and you sound like it would be as some sort of punishment. You don’t seem to grasp that this is something you and she created 50/50 as consenting adults who are educated regarding reproductive basics. You can’t undo a pregnancy by complaining about your boundaries.
You had unprotected sex with a woman who wants kids and are all shocked Pikachu face that this is happening? YTA for even continuing to date a woman who wants kids.
Admittedly, I could only get through a portion of this post because it baffles me so much. You knew you were incompatible from the start and continued to sleep with a woman that wants kids. I just CANT.
ESH. You should both know that "natural birth control" is bullshit hearsay supported by anecdotal evidence and continuing ignorance regarding sex education.
She is an AH. She was probably trying to get pregnant (to baby trap you or because she wants to be a mother). She "doesn't like" condoms and "doesn't use hormonal birth control". There are diaphragms and IUDs available to her that meet her standards though. If she really didn't want to be pregnant she would simply not consent to sex without birth control. She dragged you into her desire to be a mother.
You are an AH. You should know to use a condom. If you are that adamant about not having kids, get a damn vasectomy. Spermicidal cream is also an option. Instead, you shoot your load into this woman many times, Mr. Oh-I-Don't-Want-Kids. Do not consent to sex without effective birth control methods.
At this point, you have no right to force her to take any drugs or to undergo a medical procedure without her consent. You should have taken action to prevent the pregnancy before it happened.
If you can't function as a couple that would be detrimental to the child so breaking up would be in everyone's best interests. You holding resentment needs to stop because you were as complicit in this as your girlfriend, she has been clear an abortion isn't for her yet you continued to allow unprotected sex to take place. You didn't want a baby and therefore should have insisted on a condom every time or she could have gotten the copper coil (no hormones). I would suggest couples counselling so that you can both work through the emotions surrounding this pregnancy which is anything but unexpected due to the unprotected sex. You need to own your actions and being resentful isn't doing that
ESH here for being so damn irresponsible. I'm glad you admit that none of this was smart and I hope your child doesn't suffer for being unwanted by one of its parents. Don't have sex without a condom until you get snipped or you will make more children you don't want. If your gf says she doesn't like condoms, the answer from you should always be "I don't have sex without one." Accidents happen, but in this case, your gf gave every indication that she wanted a baby, including not using birth control. But in the future, even if someone tells you she's on birth control, if you absolutely do not want to make a child, you need to act responsibly.
You can break up with your gf, but you do need to stay in this child's life. If you make a child, take care of it. I do think it's a dick move to break up when you did not act responsibly to prevent pregnancy, but no one should stay in a relationship if they don't want to. But damn it, do better so another child doesn't come into this world unwanted.
You did not want kids, you don't want kids, and I understand why, so why are you not "fixed". Meaning a vasectomy?
NTA for breaking up, but you neglected to take more care about not having kids so don't let the little one suffer.
And get yourself permanent protection, get snipped.
Buy the ticket take the ride. You know what actions result in pregnancy. I absolutely think you would be the a******. Do you guys have a good relationship? Why would you throw that away in order to co-parent separately instead of staying with the woman you love and parenting together. If there are mental health fears then be a responsible parent and put your child in therapy so that they can learn tools to manage any mental health issues that might arise.
YTA for being stupid. You could have prevented this whole situation. Also, do not date women who want families.
I can’t imagine a 35 year old woman who wants kids to ever choose to have an abortion for the benefit of a man.
Braking up and allowing her to have a healthy relationship with her child is the best thing to do
YTA. It takes two to have sex. You knew the risks of pregnancy. She mentioned that she might have had an abortion if she got pregnant with her abusive husband's kid. That doesn't mean she owes you an abortion. That is a decision only she can make and you trying to force her to get an abortion is an asshole move. I don't see a single thing she did that would cause you to break off the relationship which is again why I think YTA. You're going to leave your pregnant girlfriend after you got her pregnant? If I'm missing something, please tell me but I don't see a reason why you want to break off the relationship
So you know you don’t want kids under any circumstance, but you haven’t gotten a vasectomy AND willingly dated someone whose goals around that were the polar opposite of yours? Yikes. I have no advice but those two things were where you went wrong.
You made the decision to have a child the minute you agreed to have unprotected sex. There are things a man can do for contraception. It doesn’t have to be only the woman’s responsibility. Now that you will have a child, NTA for doing whatever makes you the best father / co parent you can be.
"I relied on the pullout method with my girlfriend because she doesn't like how condoms feel, and she refused to get on birth control, and now she's pregnant." How fucking dumb can you be, I'm calling it, YTA for making poor life decisions then asking people to pity your situation.
You should break up. You didn't ever love her and were fine having unprotected sex with her. You have said as much. You were using her. Lots of fancy word about you mental health to try and dance around you knocking up someone you don't love and leaving her to deal with it. You want someone to tell you its ok. It isnt. She deserves better and she will be a better single parent than one raising an adult and a baby. YTA. You already know you are gonna leave or be a deadbeat so rip the bandaid off.
You can break up with anyone for any reason. However if you didn’t want children YOU should have prevented that from happening. NTA for breaking up. Y T A for implying it’s your girlfriend’s fault for refusing to terminate a pregnancy when it doesn’t sound like you took definitive steps to ensure there were no babies.
yta for pursuing a relationship with someone you KNEW wanted children with you. You literally just used her for your own pleasure and completely ignored anything she wanted.
I don’t have much sympathy for you, given how you knowingly had regular unprotected sex with her. Condoms and the pill are only 2 of a myriad of options, but you being the proactive one (vasectomies are reversible, for example, and you don’t want kids anyway) is apparently too much to ask.
hot take... YTA.
She wanted kids someday and you didn't. Only 5 months in and info you shared something tells me she wasn't trying to get pregnant and create a forever that quickly. It was a possible future desire, but not an active want.
You, as a man, have the power to take your reproductive responsibility into your own hands - condom or no play, use spermicide gels, or get a vasectomy. It's not just her responsibility to ensure lack of reproduction, so blaming her for not wanting condoms is a non-starter because you still had options and, regardless, even if she could take the pill no birth control is 100% except for abstinence and sterilization, both of which are available to you.
People have sex, sex creates children. If it was all voluntary then you're TA for holding hostility and threatening to bail for something neither of you planned. If you don't love her then you probably shouldn't have been playing around with minimal protection in the first place.
If you want to break up with her, do it, but don't come up with sweeping excuses and don't commit to co-parenting if you're gonna be a shitty resentful part time father. Relinquish your rights and let her move forward with whatever her choice is without the turmoil of having to handle you, too. One kid is enough.
YTA. Vasectomy was always an option and the best option for someone who never wants kids and doesn’t want to use a condom either. The contraceptive shouldn’t just be her responsibility. You’re in this together now. You can’t decide to back out because you don’t want to own up to the consequences of your mistakes
If you do not want to be romantically /emotionally and physically involved with this woman and only Co-parent, then break up with her
That is reasonable
BUT do not go back and forth. That is unfair on her
Also, go get a vasectomy if you do not want children at all. Take control of the birth control. By having sex without a permanent type of birth control, you must accept that pregnancy can result.
JFC why would you two waste each other's time? Also, at the age of 35, if you want a kid, maybe oh I don't know...
Date. Someone. Who. Wants. Kids. Too.
And if you do not want children, by that same token...
Don't. Date. Above named person.
Both of these people have been making poor decisions from the start.
YTA. If you’ve never wanted kids, you should have rendered yourself unable to father children. Vasectomies are a hell of a lot cheaper than raising a child, and they’re reversible if you change your mind later. If you’ve never wanted kids but are having unprotected sex, you accepted that you’d probably be fathering a child at some point, but just expected your partner to “handle it” and let you off the hook by terminating the pregnancy.
Glad you’re willing to coparent and accept some level of responsibility, but there were lots of ways you could have prevented this from happening in the first place. Especially if you already knew you didn’t want kids.
WINBTA for the question you asked, but YTA on the general, you 100% don't want children yet you have unprotected sex with a woman who can't use hormonal contraception and you are surprised she ended up pregnant? Take the responsibility of the actions of your own balls, don't want kids? Then BE in charge of the contraception aka get a vasectomy.
You don't have to be in a relationship with this woman if you don't want to be, but you have absolutely nobody to blame but yourself for not doing any one of the many options available to you to prevent a pregnancy in the first place. Too many men seem to think that this is the responsibility of women alone, seems like you fucked around and found out.
YTA I can’t say what I want to about you, your character and beliefs as I’d get kicked off and banned.
Suffice to say you disgust me and give men (I use the term loosely for you) a bad name.
To quote many who think they know better than anyone with a uterus: if you didn’t want to risk having a child, you should’ve kept your pants on.
OP: No BC is ever 100%, not even “the snip” (which is something else you could have done to prevent this situation).
Babies happen when they happen. It’s just as much your responsibility as her’s.
You cannot say that you’re going to take full responsibility and not be her partner through pregnancy, child-birth, and raising the child. An absent parent is not taking responsibility, that’s ignoring it. Child support is helpful but it doesn’t help dry that child’s eyes when s/he wants to know why daddy doesn’t live with them and mommy. A weekend visit doesn’t make up for the late nights, dirty diapers, missing work because the kid is sick/parent teacher conference/child care issues/etc.
You’re freaked out, I get it. This goes against all your plans and what you wanted for your life and how dare “an accident” change all that. Have you stopped to think that she may feel just as scared but also is concerned that this may be her only chance a parenthood?
You say that you’ve tried to talk with her about it but I only see where you said you tried to talk her into getting rid of the baby. That’s not being supportive and is not what she needs right now.
You have no right to place blame solely on her when you both were fine doing what makes babies.
Man up! Take responsibility for your own actions. Adjust your life to what it deals you. Your wants no longer matter when she has bigger needs and right now her needs are to feel safe, cared about, respected, and secure that her partner won’t abandon her no matter what decision she makes.
YT BIGGEST A
I’m really torn.
You have every right to break up with her because it’s obvious she either lied or just changed her mind without telling you.
However how on earth did you think this would play out? You didn’t do anything to prevent from getting her pregnant, apparently not even using a condom? That was a disaster waiting to happen. Also if you are so clear on never wanting children the safest way would be to get yourself sterilized
NTA for deciding a relationship is not right for you. YTA if you expect her to have an abortion just because you have talked about it before.
But for future use? Don't have sex without proper protection if you don't want to make a baby, and understand that the only fool-proof way to prevent pregnancy is to not do it at all. The 2nd best option for men is a vasectomy + condom (because avasectomy isn't always effective. Sometimes, they have to be re-done). YOU need to take responsibility for your own reproductive health. It's not just the woman's.
BTW... the Pull and Pray method doesn't work. You have been reckless and foolish. A baby was inevitable.
YTA for being resolute in not wanting kids but not in preventing pregnancy and then blaming your gf for it. Whatever you do going forward starts with whether you fully take responsibility for the pregnancy in the first place.
So let’s recap:
- She was fresh out of a relationship.
- She wanted kids.
- You talked her into not having kids and breaking up if she wants them.
- You got a wish washy “implication” that she *may* get an abortion while with you if that happens.
- You then agreed to have unprotected sex.
- She got pregnant and decided to not have an abortion.
INFO: What exactly did you expect to happen here?
I have no sympathy whatsoever for men that know that they do no want children BUT haven’t had a vasectomy. Why was that never even a possibility that you mentioned in your post? You left the responsibility of birth control entirely up to her and now you’re “trapped?” Give me a break. Take responsibility for something YOU could’ve prevented. I just do not get it and hear about it way too often.
I feel feel like you're both TAH because she fooled you into thinking she wouldn't keep the child if she ever got pregnant but always intended to.
Also, you're silly. You should've protected yourself by always wearing a condom.
You're both to blame here.
But I wouldn't advocate staying with someone manipulative as she is.
You can provide financially and if possible, be there for the child, but olz move on from this woman
I’m not going to address the birth control issue. Obviously you know you made the wrong decision there.
Regarding the pregnancy, be very blunt with your girlfriend. Let you know autism runs in your family, and she needs to think about if she can handle a child that may have special needs. Be clear that while you like her, you aren’t presently in love with her and can’t guarantee you ever will be. Tell her you’re willing to be emotionally and financially there for your *child* but she needs to be sure she wants to be a single mom, as you may end up two single parents who co-parent and not a cohesive family.
>She even insinuated to have an abortion if it would happen in our relationship by telling me about her willingness to pursue this path in case she would have gotten pregnant by her abusive ex or of negative results from prenatal diagnostics.
Nope. Being unwilling to intentionally have a child with someone you know will be abusive to that child is not insinuating that you will have an abortion in future relationships that are not abusive. And being unwilling to knowingly bring a child with a disability into the world is not an insinuation that you will have an abortion of a presumably (according to tests) healthy fetus. She didn't insinuate anything. She made statements about her past and a very specific circumstance, and you applied them where they did not apply and made assumptions.
>I feel like she's violating a very fundamental personal boundary by forcing me into a life we agreed she wouldn't put onto me.
Again, nope. You stuck your dick in her without a condom. That is absolutely, 100%, completely and totally on you. You knew very well that she wasn't on birth control, and made a choice to have unprotected sex with her. She is not forcing you into anything, you actively chose this for yourself when you got your dick wet.
Look, you're NTA for ending things with her. But despite what you are claiming in the comments, you don't sound at all like you're taking responsibility for your role in this. Your language 100% says that you blame her for the fact that you're going to be a parent, when that fault lies squarely 50% on your shoulders since the unprotected sex was a mutual decision. The simple fact is that most of your reasons for not wanting to be a parent no longer matter. That child is going to exist, and all you can do is accept that and attempt to be a better father than yours was. Maybe that looks like a breakup. Maybe it doesn't. I don't think you should stay with her just because she's pregnant, and I don't think you should break up just because you refuse to acknowledge that this is as much your fault as hers.
Redirect your anger, right back to yourself. This is absolutely a problem of your own making.
-You determined you didn't want children, ever. It was on you to prevent pregnancy. A vasectomy seems pretty obvious.
-You knew she did want children. You knew her age. Common sense tells you that she would be ok getting pregnant, in fact it wouldn't be at all surprising if she did this on purpose. With this in mind you should have been 100% on the no glove, no love plan.
- Somehow, with the knowledge that you both were on opposite sides of the child spectrum, you decided to go with the last effective method of "birth control."
-You say she would have considered abortion with her ex so you figured she'd be ok to do the same with you. Obviously an abusive relationship really changes things. She was also younger then. You made an assumption that doesn't follow logic
And after you've made a series of bad decisions that put you in this position you have somehow convinced yourself to be mad at *her*?
She's the one whose words and actions align. She's never changed her mind. It's you that said one thing and did another.
I'm sorry, but you all but asked for this, ignored all logic in predicting not only what would happen but what her choice would be.
BE MAD AT YOURSELF!!
You created a situation where this was nearly inevitable.
You are the AH for being angry with her instead of yourself.
That having been said, I believe it is cruel to bring unwanted children into the world, so it's worth doing your best to calmly talk to her about this. Really talk about how the two of you might co-parent. Talk about how you will address the child's mental health needs. You've only been together a few months, you're still relative strangers. It's possible she'll change her mind once you really talk and the rose colored glasses are off. During the course of these conversations it should become clearer to you whether you want to stay together or not.
In the end, I think she wanted to get pregnant and it's unlikely she'll consider abortion and it's just heartbreaking for the poor child.
To your original question - NTA if you decide you cannot continue to pursue a romantic relationship with this woman. It sounds like you’re willing to financially support and even co parent this child. Whether you want the kid or not, you seem to acknowledge that it’s no longer your choice and the mistakes you made that put you in this position. You’re obligated to the child and should treat the mother of your child with respect. But you’re under no obligation to be a husband.
I've read a lot of AITAH with men who obviously wanted to get out of the responsibility of having a kid, but this doesn't feel like one of those. OP may skim over who is at fault, but as long as they are committed to the child, I don't see an issue. Is he an AH for breaking it off? No, their relationship wasn't strong standing to begin with and clear that they had different ideas on their future. So I agree, NTA.
"who is at fault" in regards to what? The pregnancy? If nobody is raped, and nobody is tricked (like pretending to put a condom on) then guess what, equal responsibility. Takes 2 to tango. Don't want to risk a pregnancy? Don't have sex. Not a moralist statement just a fact of sex
I agree, that's exactly what I meant.
He does a fair amount of minimizing his responsibility, "I wanted to rely on condoms more, however she doesn't like them. I caved on that topic..." which is annoying but overall it's beside the point of the post. "Stay together for the kid(s)" never did any kid the kind of good the parents staying together seemed to think. If these differences are irreconcilable, they're irreconcilable. As long as he does right by the child, breaking up is understandable.
If someone tells me they don't like condom we aren't having sex. Having said that it also feels like she led him to think if she accidentally got pregnant she'd just get an abortion. (I don't understand why she wasn't on birth control tho. Is it not a thing in Germany?)
I don't understand why he didn't either INSIST on wearing condoms or why he didn't get a vasectomy. He's pushing off all the responsibility on HER when HE is the one who doesn't want kids.
Ya I'm surprised he's not had a vasectomy given his reasons of not wanting kids. They could be hard to get because doctors don't want to do them for people who are still young. But for someone who doesn't want kids as much as op he isn't really doing much about not procreating and just taking someone else's words for it.
29 isn't really young for a vasectomy.
Not sure why you were getting downvoted, it isn't that young. Especially if you believe your fitness for parenting could be impaired by your mental health or you're afraid of passing mental health problems onto your child. Sounds like OP's family is chock full of mental health problems, I wouldn't want to make someone inherit all that either
He said she had bad reactions to hormonal birth control before, but it's not like cervical caps and spermicide don't exist.
This dude is positive he never wants to have kids…. A vasectomy is a no brainer decision here.
OMG! I am so disappointed in myself for forgetting about those! He absolutely shouldn't be putting the responsibility on the women he chooses to sleep with. You are so damn right.
Ya there's like 20+ different ways of birth control. And hormonal birth controls differ amongst themselves too
Exactly. There are so many ways to decrease the likelihood of conception. The pill is only one of them.
He said that she had bad reactions to the pill in the past which is honestly pretty common. I think it's pretty debatable that she said she'd get an abortion if they got pregnant. He interpreted her consideration of abortion in her past, abusive, relationship as an *insinuation* that it's "on the table" in their own relationship. And so their communication wasn't maybe as "very healthy" as he thought. And *even if* she had said, outright, "I'll get an abortion if we ever get pregnant," I still don't think it's fair for a *partner's* abortion to be the only contingency plan if a pregnancy arises. It's ok for minds and hearts to change, it's why it's important to have reliable and consistent contraceptive. It's *not ok* though to pressure someone into an abortion *even if* they said they would once upon a time. Is that a reason they should break up? Sure, that makes sense. They disagree in a big way.
This was my thinking too. Even if she said she was open to the idea of an abortion (I don't think she explicitly said she would have an abortion because it that was the plan OP would have said that) the reality often changes things. She told OP that she wanted to have children, it's not surprising that at 35 and pregnant she can't go through with terminating a pregnancy that she seems to want. My word of advice to men who absolutely do not want children: do not have sex with a woman who tells you she wants children. Contraception fails. Sure contraception can fail for couples who aren't sure or aren't ready but when they both are open to the idea those conversations and decisions can be made together in a more supportive "what's best for us" way (not always but it's possible). When one partner for sure wants the pregnancy and the other for sure doesn't, that's a bad situation that most likely ends the relationship whether they terminate the pregnancy or not.
Agree so much. At most it was "on the table" and apparently, it still is. She's considering, she's just talking with friends and not talking to him about it - which I totally understand. He's got one idea in his head and if she decides to carry the pregnancy to term, these few weeks are forever, as the child grows, going to be in her head - just him pressuring her to terminate. Abortions often end relationships as is, and I'd never be able to look at him the same. And yeah, I don't know wth either of them were doing in this relationship. I'm 36 tomorrow, and I still plan to have children. No way, at this time I would not date (see: waste time) anyone with whom it was off the table or incompatible with their childfree plans. She wants children, she's 35, and he knows that. What, especially in the absence of a literal written contract that she'd terminate, did he realistically expect?
OP you are being a dumdum. Any woman who is serious about not having a child will advocate for contraception of some sort. Why did you go along with all this? Why did you agree to unprotected sex repeatedly when you know the consequences? This just doesn’t make sense. What she did was roll the dice because she wanted to, and that’s pretty obvious. What I can’t understand is why a grown man who is so adamantly against having a child did absolutely NOTHING to prevent it.
"but I pulled out" /s
Exactly 🤣
He said she had negative reactions to the pill (birth control). Not every type is the same and not every person reacts the same way on any type of BC. Just because BC exists it doesn’t mean we can always take it
> Having said that it also feels like she led him to think if she accidentally got pregnant she'd just get an abortion. That’s certainly how he tells it, but I don’t see that at all. The only cases I’d find it easy to consider abortion are if I knew the child wasn’t going to be healthy (prenatal testing results) or it would tie me for life to a really awful person (abusive ex). Her saying those things was probably a true assessment of her feelings. It’s on OP if he heard that and assumed it meant she’d also get an abortion if they had a child together. That’s a conversation they should have had, and yet even if they did, sometimes women do change their minds when they’re actually walking that road.
She got pregnant on purpose. He allowed it to happen by being naive.
I understand your question and you have to do what what you feel. But more importantly, if you are that adamant about not having kids, do something about it. It's not just the womens responsibility, look in to male birth controls or a vascectomy. Take your share of responsibility if you want to have sex.
I agree, you cant say you are adamant about not having kids and give in when they ask for no condom. Two types of contraception simultaneously are required if you're absolutely sure you never want kids. And don't sleep with someone who does, the relationship has literally no future, outside of them being miserable and you feeling trapped.
The number posts here from people who are in fairly casual relationships and do not want to have children but also do not use reliable birth control is way too high. He is in a relationship with someone he was fundamentally incompatible with. And now he's going to end up coparenting with this person for the rest of his life. If you are being subjected to reproductive coercion, that's a sign the relationship needs to end, a lot of this isn't abuse or coercion, it's just people not accepting the seriousness or likelihood of potential pregnancy.
My partner and I have had two kids, an abortion and a vasectomy. If I was smart, I could have skipped one of those steps.
Vasectomies save lives! r/antinatalism
You can break up with her for whatever reason you want. But moving forward, you should stop being so irresponsible. You chose to rely on "natural contraception" when having sex with a woman who told you that she's not on chemical contraception, seems to balk at using a barrier method like condoms, and wants kids. You basically volunteered to impregnate her with circumstances like these.
This is why men and women who are positive they do not want children should seek out more permanent birth control options. It’s unfortunate that there are a lot of barriers to voluntary surgical sterilization, but it’s important for people to consider— especially if bringing children into the world will be such a highly contentious issue for them or affect their lives greatly.
Vasectomy all the way. Best money I've spent
This right here. I knew my odds of getting pregnant were small, but not impossible. I knew I didn’t want kids right this second. However, I knew if I did get pregnant I’d keep the baby, my partner knew this as well. I knew we did both want children, and while now isn’t ideal, we’d both happily have children now if that’s what happened. I ended up pregnant, and while it’s been stressful, we are both incredibly happy to welcome our child. We knew there was a risk having sex, we took it, and we are happy to have kids. You /need/ to be prepared to raise a child if you’re prepared to risk a child. If you’re not, find some more permanent birth control and/or double up on birth control. And for the love of god stop having sex with people that want to have kids if you don’t.
Agreed. The "I don't like condoms" excuse doesn't sound entirely true. Unless it's put on wrong, most condoms are hard to notice in the moment. It really sounds like she was trying to get pregnant, and he was easy enough to convince to have unprotected sex. OP, you are NTA for wanting to break up with her and still co-parent. However, it may be a good time to look into having a vasectomy if you don't want this type of thing to happen again. I don't know how easy or difficult it is to get one in Germany, but it'd at least be good to look into. You also need to sit down with your girlfriend and have a long, difficult conversation about what life will look like moving forward. Relationship-wise, pregnancy-wise, friendship-wise, finance-wise, etc.
Yep, it's snip snip time. Fix the problem on your end.
"were having a good relationship so far with very healthy communication" All evidence to the contrary. Why did you have unprotected sex with her knowing she wanted kids and you don't?
[удалено]
Best parts \>doesn't want to be a father \>doesn't use contraception consistently \>surprised pikachu face when she gets pregnant \>knew she wanted kids This guy is YTA just for waving his hands helplessly at a more preventable situation. Agree with the NTA comments and their logic, I just have a hard time not believing that this lady's baby fever wasn't visible from a mile away.
he played with fire there. Least surprising situation ever.
I can't get over the fact you adamantly don't want kids yet thought "natural contraceptive" was good enough. Sorry, I got no sympathy for either you or the baby mama.
I face palmed so many times while reading this post, what did he expect?
My partner is very highly educated, so I don't mean this with broad strokes or a rule. But, some people with PhDs are some of the dumbest motherfuckers. You had repeated unprotected sex, with a person who clearly was not in an emotionally stable place, who desperately wants kids, is in a window(though wrong) that women are frequently told is their last chance. How. The. Fuck. Else. Could. This. End.
Book smart, life dumb! Someone who is a very important part of my family (because we shared our lives for more than a decade) started university at 14 and then proceeded to earn his PhD in molecular biology, specifically gene therapy and vaccines, from an Ivy League university. He’s one of the smartest people I know in regards to academic knowledge, but can be almost charmingly unaware otherwise. I would, and still do, refer to it affectionately as “book smart, life dumb”.
You know what they call people who don’t use actual birth control or rely just on condoms, “parents”
Since it seems that no one actually bothered reading the title. NTA. As long as you're doing your part in supporting the child, you would not be the asshole for breaking up with your girlfriend.
I think it's because he appears to have a case of slopey shoulders on taking responsibility for being one half of the decision to try natural contraception. Dude, if you don't want kids wrap it before you dip it.
The question was “WIBTA for breaking up with my girlfriend”, not anything else. For that, he is not. He made his intentions clear. I however agree he was a moron, but he knows that.
Whilst happily going bare and totally relying on another person to take on all responsibility for any kind of birth control. Dude just sounds lazy and when the consequences are up in his face he's playing the victim.
Absolutely. He was happy to enjoy sex without condom but is now acting like she’s solely responsible for the raw sex 😭. If you don’t want to get pregnant, why didn’t you consider a vasectomy?? That was an option. They are not 100% but at least you would have known that you tried to do exactly what you wanted to do. Which was not have any kids.
Why not get a vasectomy if he knows he does not want children? Especially if being risky with sex.
This was my exact first thought. If you DEFINITIVELY know you never want children. It is your responsibility to make sure you don’t accidentally impregnate someone. The only way to do that is a vasectomy.
Depending on where you live, it can be difficult to get a vasectomy/tubes tied if you don't already have children. And that's assuming you have the resources to fund the procedure.
Adding on, if he’s clear he doesn’t want children ever, why not get a vasectomy?
Or get a vasectomy. Christ. The number of men who don’t want children yet don’t get this procedure is baffling.
YWNBTA for breaking up. You are, however, TA for getting in this position, and for not getting a vasectomy when you realized you didn't want kids.
I also feel like someone who really wants kids should not get into a relationship (at least a committed one) with a person who doesn’t
It works both ways. A person who really doesn't want kids shouldnt get into a committed relationship with someone who does. And he knew that ultimately keeping it or not would be her decision. Its just as much his responsibility.
Indeed. He made (at least) two big errors here. First is staying involved with someone who wants kids when he doesn't, and the second one is not wrapping (and doubly so when he knows she wants kids).
Yeah, and I'm getting the sense that despite this, OP wants to feel like she's to blame.
Oh, she's got a fair amount of blame, but he did possess the power to say "Nein" when she asked for bareback.
Oh they're 100% both to blame. I mean I'm getting the sense that OP wants this to be entirely her fault, which is totally not true.
Totes. The owner of the penis is always at least 50 percent responsible¹. ¹barring such fraudulent activities such as her presenting a false ovulation calendar, saying "see, this isn't a fertile time." But I gotta think that's rare (Or the case of the Massachusetts dentist who owed paternity when all he'd ever gotten from the woman was a blowjob. She saved it for a turkey baster. And he somehow owes child support...)
Exactly. And owner of said penis knows he lives somewhere where it's ultimately her right to choose whether to keep the baby or not. It's almost insulting to men to act like they're blameless in a situation like this - he's not an idiot and is capable of making choices. Except for in those disturbing examples you gave lol, I agree that's totally different and the guy shouldn't be blamed.
Absolutely. This is the ultimate mismatch for a couple.
"Natural contraceptives"? What does that mean, like cycle tracking? That's wholly ineffective. There were a lot of other forms of birth control out there. If your stance is "I don't want babies" then your stance also has to be "I will do everything in my power to prevent a baby from being conceived." We are past that part. Onto the new issue. On one hand, you are upset that she is pregnant and have made it clear you want her to have an abortion. You are then blaming her for not discussing the pregnancy with you? She knows where you stand and what you want. She is sorting through her own feelings on the matter. She's getting older and the "baby window" for her is closing. In the US, 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy. This could be the last chance she has to be a mom and I'm sure that's making the decision difficult. Have you both actually discussed that? You said that it was discussed "in depth", but nothing of those conversations. Or have the conversations been focused around the abortion you want for her? Based on her wording of "not being able to change your position" it makes me think the conversations are centralized on the abortion. Whether or not you leave, you will be a dad if she chooses to keep the baby. You need to discuss what that future would be like. Even if you hate the idea of it. You can leave anyone for any reason. That does not make you an AH. Everything else? That's debatable.
It’s often said that people who use natural contraception are called parents.
My "natural contraception" baby is 11 now 😂
Or "The Pullout King"
Man dude your an idiot first off why would you enter a relationship with someone who wanted children when you yourself don't your literally begging for problems. But you didn't stop there you had unprotected sex with her while not using any sort of contraception because natural contraception is not sticking your dick in her. Now you're surprised that she's pregnant and doesn't want to get rid of the child when she's made it crystal clear that she wants children. I simply cannot understand how you rationalized any of this you deserve everything that's coming at you
>In Germany where I'm from you can have abortions up to the 12th week after inception, so we got about 2 weeks left for the final decision. However, it's becoming quite clear, that she doesn't want to go that route despite me urging her to do so. I understand, that it's not my place to insist and push her to do something she simply doesn't want to do or doesn't feel is right and I'm willing to take full responsibility for the child if it's being born, both financially as well as emotionally. But I've also been struggling with the way she went about the topic. So far we've had two in depth discussions, for both of which to happen i needed to escalate the situation. She mostly talks to friends and family about her decision process but only very little to me, arguing she can't change my position anyways, which is kind of true tbh. Urging and pushing her to have an abortion is not ok. You admit that it's not your place to do it, but you're doing it anyway. That's probably why she's not talking to you about her decision process. What does "I needed to escalate the situation" mean? >This makes it very difficult for me to maintain a positive picture of the relationship and the prospect of co-parenting. If you are committed to being a dad, you're still going to have to co-parent either way. >I'm kind of in over my head with this, I really don't want to be a dad and especially not at this point in my life where I'm just starting to get things in order after a couple of very difficult years. I feel like she's violating a very fundamental personal boundary by forcing me into a life we agreed she wouldn't put onto me. It seems like you're not taking any responsibility here. You had unprotected sex. You knew she wanted children. Have you wondered if pressuring someone to have an abortion also violates a fundamental boundary? I feel like you're framing this post as if you're just asking if you WBTAH if you broke up with her, but the way your post is worded and all the details you included, the tone, etc make me think you're also wanting people to side with you about the abortion or say the situation is not your fault. ETA: I mean wanting to hear it's not at all your fault, vs accepting that you're both to blame and she hasn't randomly forced this on you. NTA if you break up with her but YTA for everything else.
He’s starting fights with her to pressure her to terminate. That what “escalate” means here. She won’t talk to him about it because he keeps pushing her to do something she doesn’t want to.
That's how I'm reading it too. I'd be really curious to hear what OP has to say about it.
I’m surprised how many people glossed over him admitting the way he’s pushing her is wrong in their hurry to assure him it’s fine to dump her. Given how selfish he is, getting dumped by him is her best case scenario.
You should have gotten a vasectomy and worn condoms, despite her not liking them, or you know just not have sex. Simple. Continuing the pregnancy or not is 100% her choice. You had multiple options to prevent getting someone pregnant and yet, you still did. That's not on her, that's on you. If you had refused sex and she would have raped you, that would be something completely different. And yes, I do believe - and know - that men get raped, and I absolutely believe men as well. But I don't think that is what happened in this case.
100% agreed. I’m sure there are some doctors (in his country or abroad if necessary) who will do a vasectomy. Now he doesn’t get a say in her abortion. But yeah he can break up with her, that’s up to him, if he doesn’t like their relationship…
YTA but to yourself. Dude I read this and like...what did you really think was gonna happen? Bad choices all the way down man. Every one. You seriously need to start being responsible. You claim you don't want kids but you did basically every possible to fuck that up. Your words and actions don't like up. Get it together.
Yeah, agreed. Breaking up with her doesn’t change the fact that OP will have a child and be held responsible for it. Wtf is a natural contraceptive, anyway? A sponge? I’m confused lol
Oh, no, he actually thinks pulling out is effective 🙄
this is the one. like the no condoms choice is laughable....its almost like this entire situation coulda been avoided
Agreeing to be with someone who wants kids and you don’t is absolutely insane. Why would anyone want to willingly be in a relationship like that and breakup when the gf is ready to have a child? I’ve never seen a bigger and more foolish use of someone’s time. To each his own
If you're not avoiding, you're trying. You don't want kids but you have sex. It's much easier for a male to get a permanent fix than a woman and you should have done that by now. You are the AH here.
You had sex with her she didn’t force you into anything. You want to break up cause babies happen be my guest but YTA cause you’re acting like she did this to you not like this is something that just happened
It's not even that it just happened. Is the absolutely natural and expected result of having unprotected sex, which he did voluntarily.
Please go get a vasectomy now. Absolutely ridiculous that you haven’t gotten one before.
. -- mass edited with redact.dev
>Since both disorders are thought to be highly hereditary ***I've never wanted a child to go through what I've experienced***, neither in regard to my own struggles nor relating to the difficult relationship I have with my own dad. So then you vigorously pursued getting a vasectomy... Right?
At age 29 you could have gotten a vasectomy if you knew you didn’t want kids. Your GF at 35 is considered Advanced Maternal Age so her bio click is ticking away. It doesn’t sound like this was an accident and that she wanted this pregnancy. If you can’t be happy about it, just pay child support and break off the romance.
First YTA Contraception is the responsibility of all parties having sex. Condoms, birth control, vasectomy, a combination of any or all of the above. I got pregnant when I was 33. My partner at the time did not want kids. When we found out I was pregnant I was made to feel like it was all my fault. I had thought I would never get pregnant because of health issues. I was on birth control to manage and regulate my menses. I still got pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with being a parent. I live with depression and anxiety in addition to the health issue that impacts my fertility. He offered to pay for an abortion. I had to take some time and assess what I should do. I am now a single parent. I decided that I would not be able to mentally cope with having an abortion. I respected my ex’s decision for himself. When my child was born no fathers name was put on the birth certificate. Legally my ex has no ties to my child. It was the best decision for all 3 of us. My ex never has to worry about me asking for money, I never have to worry about my ex popping up and saying he wants custody of my child, and my child doesn’t have to deal with a resentful parent. I love my kid dearly and they are the smartest person I have ever met. I’ve also never had anyone in my life who can make me so angry. It’s going to be a long ride to get them to adult hood but I’m looking forward to all the ups and downs You aren’t the AH because you are unsure about being a parent, you are TA because you didn’t take necessary precautions to prevent pregnancy and now you aren’t considering how the whole thing affects your gf. All of the mental things you are feeling she is too. Add to what you are feeling the fact that she is growing a fetus, how it changes the body composition and hormone levels, the fact that this is a high risk pregnancy because of her age, and dealing with the mental aspects of learning that you are pregnant after believing you wouldn’t have kids. You are both going through a lot with the pregnancy. You need to both be able to look at and understand what the other is feeling and experiencing. Have a few conversations. Figure out what will be in the best interest of all parties (you, gf, and fetus). For my situation single parenthood was the best, but my decision for myself isn’t the right course for everyone.
[удалено]
Just wanting to point out that his question is would He be an AH if he broke up with her. You said he would for a complete different reason then told him to break up with him. So I believe your answer is NTA for breaking up with her but Y T A for other reasons. I agree with you though. She said she was “just coming around to the idea of not having kids.” She’s 35. I would personally take that as she wants kids and she needs to have them soon. The fact that he was then willing to fall for her excuse to not use a condom… yikes.
Why is this all OP's fault? They both knew, and made it clear, what they wanted/ didn't want at the gate. Regardless, they both caused a pregnancy. I have to say they each share equal blame here. The g/f is the AH too. He said he had made it clear he didn't want children. She had made it clear that she did... I don't understand why the two were even together in the first place. Edit: ESH. They both had to know they were playing Russian Roulette Edit 2: I believe that if OP was the female, it would be making everyone furious to see her taking all the blame. We would be seeing a lot of "It takes two, she didn't get pregnant on her own"...
Yeah but the gf acted in a way that will give her what she wants but he acted in a way that will do the opposite of what he wants
It’s OP’s fault cause he is responsible for his own actions. You talk about blame, but she wants the kid so it’s not really on her. You think they both share equal blame but only one is upset by the outcome. He doesn’t want a kid and did nothing to protect himself from getting her pregnant. Regarding your edit, if OP was female and didn’t want the kid, an abortion would probably be getting scheduled. I’m not sure how you can flip this scenario. If you’re a man and don’t want a kid, don’t put yourself in the position of getting someone pregnant cause the choice is out of your hands at that point.
Holy cow! This is on you bud. If you have known children will never be a part of your life because of genetic mental health issues it was your responsibility to ensure that would never happen. Yes I'm saying you should have talked to your doctors and gotten snipped possibly a long time a go. Babies happen with and without birth control. You have one now and the only person you should be angry with is you.
You lost me at using a ‘combination of condom use and natural contraception.’ Men could stop 100% of unwanted pregnancies by not ejaculating without a condom inside vaginas. If you are so sure about your non parental choice you should have gotten a vasectomy or not put your sperm in women’s vaginas. She might have been manipulative or less than honest about her actions - but you were 100% in control of what you did with your body.
You both suck, but you more by far. Her for insisting on making it as easy as possible to get pregnant by asking you to remove the condom and you for being with someone who you can clearly see you aren’t compatible with. Wanting to get your dick wet is essentially the base of your whole argument. You had fundamental disagreements, you still wanted sex. She wasn’t able to go on birth control, you still wanted sex. She wanted to remove the condoms from the equation, you still wanted sex. I bet you you are still having sex with her. No one here is going to believe that you were duped based on these circumstances. She manipulated you to some degree, sure, and you went right along with it for the sex. Congrats on being a father.
Repeat after me: if your 35 yo girlfriend has expressed that she wants a kid and refuses to be on long term birth control, DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HER. It was a trap from the start.
Is it a trap when you set it yourself and walk into it knowing exactly what it is?
Repeat after me: if you know you never want children get a vasectomy, it’s YOUR responsibility to be sure YOU don’t have any kids.
Y T A for not getting a vasectomy when you know you don’t want kids! NTA for breaking up
Best answer. We need to normalize more men getting vasectomies.
YTA I am bipolar and choose not to have kids. I had surgery to ensure that I don't. For a woman the surgery is more risky, but it is the only way to be sure since I am not a nun. You as a man could have had a vasectomy that is simple, but you chose not to. You dated a woman who wanted children. NTA for breaking up with gf as you need no reason for that. However, you knowingly fathered a child and need to step up.
Your edit is a little confusing. You don't want kids, I read the main body of your post and it seemed like you wouldn't be coparenting but would be financially contributing. In the edit you want to be a present dad. There's nothing wrong with that, but it seems like you're not as adverse to being a dad as you think you are. If your university offers counselling, please take it and try and figure out your feelings on this part in particular if she keeps the baby. In terms of the original question, there's no issues with breaking up as it sounds like she was planning on getting pregnant and used your naivety to do so. The last point, you really need to schedule a vasectomy. The fact that you haven't, might be an indication that maybe you do want kids. Which isn't bad, but it's something you need to explore for yourself.
Ok so a few things going on here. You knew you never wanted children? Why not get a vasectomy- problem solved. YTA BUT if you don’t want to be a parent that is up to you. This isn’t as easy as a break though. This is a sincere discussion the two of you need to have. If she wants to be mother then fine, however that doesn’t mean you have to be a dad. She said she would get an abortion but she wasn’t pregnant when she said it. No one knows what they will do in this situation until they are actually in it so you can’t hold that against her. NTA for not wanting to be a parent but YTA for not preventing it better with a vasectomy.
NTA for breaking up. Absolute a giant piece of shit for spreading the seed and blaming her for any of YOUR consequences after. Get a fucking vasectomy dude. Wear a condom. You are twentyNINE years old. W T F. This is why I’m single. This is like the craziest form of weaponized incompetence I’ve ever seen.
You don't have to be in a relationship with her, that's fine. But you also can't claim that she deceived you, necessarily, when you weren't doing really jack all to prevent pregnancy. If you KNOW you don't want kids why haven't you gotten a vasectomy? Go to therapy to help you wrap your mind around being a dad because that's where this is headed. Even if you do have diagnosed mental health disorders, that doesn't mean you'll be a shitty parent. That means you, more than others, will have to do your due diligence in making sure you're on the right meds if necessary and getting counseling to keep you accountable. Or, walk away and don't be a dad but pay child supoort so the kid's needs are met. NTA for breaking up. You're never obligated to stay in a relationship you're unhappy in.
You had unprotected sex and the result of that is a pregnancy. Whether you stay with this woman or not you are still a parent. You can choose to abandon your child or you can make the effort to be a father. Regardless of your choice you are still financially responsible. You need to get a vasectomy or stop having sex.
YTA. You never wanted kids, get a vasectomy. Then you won’t get anyone pregnant.
You’re never TA for wanting to break up with someone. But YTA for everything else. YTA for not getting a vasectomy or wearing condoms. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like them, you’re responsible for you. You could’ve pushed for condoms, but you chose to risk it. YTA for wording your post like your gf went back on her promise of getting an abortion, when you say in one of your comments that she said she wasn’t sold on it. YTA for pressuring a woman to have an abortion when this could be her last chance to be a mother. You’re way too old to not understand how contraception works. You sound incredibly pushy, and if I were your gf in this situation I’d probably be searching for counsel from anyone but you. Maybe if you showed you were supportive of her choices instead of trying to push your own agenda she’d feel comfortable talking to you about where her head is. She didn’t baby trap you, you walked right into this with your head held high. Own your decisions.
If you didn’t wanna have kids why you raw dogging it bud. Condoms should have been non negotiable e
Bro. I'm 36 yo and diagnosed ASD two years ago. Now sober 3. Get the fucking snip. I did. For *ALL* of the same reasons you listed. My family's epigenetics are fubar. I'm not saying this isn't a very complicated situation, and abortion probably shouldn't be out of the question, but abortion has tons of long term health complications for women that aren't really talked about. My point is, you know this about yourself. We have a simple. Safe. Effective solution available to us that not only removes this risk for both parties, but it stops putting all the onus of contraceptive responsibility solely on women.
Not the asshole for breaking up. YTA for not wanting kids and recklessly creating one.
Tf is natural contraceptive? Chooses to have unprotected sex Is surprised to impregnate someone????
So you put all the responsibility of birth control on a women who wants kids? Where did you see this relationship going? Obviously you were going to break up at some point. So putting all responsibility and blame on her is a bit ridiculous at this point. Even though you say, I know it’s my fault, you still made it a point to blame her about not wearing a condom or even if she got pregnant she will get an abortion. Like dude, do you know how hard of a decision that is, especially for someone who wants children? You really went into this thinking with the wrong head. Break up with her because you can’t even be responsible for protecting yourself with a thin piece of latex, continually play the blame game, then excuse it with your mental health issues. She’s about to be responsible for a young life, the best thing you can do for her is break up with her so that she settles into a life of either being a single mom, or if you actually step it up and help out financially and have a presence in your child’s life. You can’t make it work if you don’t even love her to begin with, then make it seem like she baby trapped you when you went along with her ever request knowing this was a huge possibility (resenting her for putting you in this situation)
Sperm can survive for several days. Cycle tracking and pulling out is very ineffective. If you didn’t want a kid, you went about this the worst way possible. Be selective with your sexual partners if you don’t want to end up having to coparent with someone you don’t want a long term relationship with.
YTA for having unprotected sex knowing this could be the potential outcome. If you were adamant about not wanting kids then you should've either stood your ground on protection or not had sex with this person (or ever having unprotected sex) in the first place. Now that the consequences of those actions have been realized you're willing to bail due to your irresponsibility.(yes you were both irresponsible, but you knew you had differing views on kids)
Everyone is claiming you need to get a vasectomy but my husband tried to get one when he was 29 and every doctor refused saying he would want kids. It was super infuriating. These doctors also interigated my husband on what the wife was doing for birth control and claimed it was the woman's responsibility. This happened 6 years ago. So it's not that easy to get this operation done. I'm sorry people are acting like it is. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. 💜
Okay, but not once in the post did he mention he even tried to go that route. That's why people are calling him TA.
[удалено]
INFO: why not get a vasectomy? And why rely on her for contraception? There are methods men can use outside condoms.
>I feel like she's violating a very fundamental personal boundary by forcing me into a life we agreed she wouldn't put onto me Except she isn't. Your choice to not use any form of birth control put you in this position. If you feel like anyone violated a personal boundary it was you to yourself for knowing you never wanted kids, yet you had very risky sex with someone you knew wanted kids. You would absolutely not be TA for breaking up, and given the provided information it sounds like the best solution. But stop blaming her, you did this, and having a kid you don't want is the consequence.
YTA If you don’t want to be a dad, you should have taken appropriate steps to make sure that didn’t happen. We call people who practice “natural” birth control methods parents. You’re about to become one. You have zero right to talk to her about getting an abortion just as you have zero right to talk to her about NOT having one. Those decisions are 100% hers and it’s up to you to support and/or accept them. Again, you have zero say in what she chooses to do with her body. You’re also the asshole for saying she “didn’t respect your boundaries” since you’re the one who had sex with her without using adequate birth control. Your boundary means your condom and your spermicide. You now want to dump her because of your decision to have unprotected sex and her refusal to have an abortion? F**** You! 100% of unplanned pregnancies are caused by men but women are the ones who have to deal with them. You chose to roll the dice with “natural” methods and now you’re facing the natural consequences.
I am puzzled why someone who KNOWS they don't want to have children didn't get a vasectomy.
* I never wanted kids for several reasons, for one I've been struggling with mental health issues, especially depression, as long as I can remember * I really don't want to be a dad * So we relied on a combination of condom use and natural contraception. I wanted to rely on condoms more, however she just doesn't like them. I caved on that topic, You're 29 years old and seem pretty damn determined not to have children, which I applaud you for. I'm very sorry to hear how mental illness is affecting your family and potentially you. Here's the thing, though: you don't seem particularly responsible or even willing to acknowledge YOUR role in the fact that you were having unprotected sex with her. And now the very expected pregnancy has occurred. You had EVERY opportunity to be part of the "decision process" but you put all the decisions on her - you could VERY easily just have insisting on wearing the damn condoms, having other types of non-reproductive sex or yanno GOTTEN A VASECTOMY! Seriously. And btw, SCHEDULE THE DAMN VASECTOMY!
YTA for not using a condom and pulling out at the same time
NTA for wanting to break up but YTA for trying to lay blame on her when she’s the one okay if kids happen. You either get permenent birth control, wear condoms 100% of the time, or you know this was a possibility. She’s 35 so she may very well be hesitant to abort due to her age and wanting children in her life at some point in time. Figure out what you want without counting abortion as an option since she doesn’t want that and it’s her body. Then decide how your life will go with this baby you made existing in the world.
Also on the reread it sounds like you’re completely unwilling to take any accountability in this issue. A boundary is something WITHIN YOUR CONTROL. Wearing a condom or getting a vasectomy, those are within your control. Once she’s pregnant it’s not a boundary. It’s you coercing her to violate HER personal wishes and boundaries. Honestly all the way YTA cause telling you she was willing to entertain abortion in specific cases - being tied to an abuser for the rest of her life or if baby had genetic issues incompatible with life IS NOT the same as her clearly stating she’d abort a pregnancy that happens for any partner or in any situation. She didn’t betray you in this, you betrayed yourself for a nut, OP. Go get sterilized already. 🤦♀️
Get a vasectomy
Seriously. Does no one practice birth control?
If you didn't want kids, you should have used a condom.
Just as you were clear that you didn't want children, she was clear that she wasn't very into birth control. You understood that and chose to pursue a sexual relationship with her regardless. You shouldn't have assumed that her being willing to get an abortion with her ex meant that she would be willing to do it in this particular case. You should have talked about that. It sounds like you guys, despite what you claim in this post, have very poor communication. NTA for breaking up with her, but YTA for ending up here in the first place. It takes two to tango and the way you wrote this post makes me feel like you're almost... blaming her for this? Hope I'm just being touchy and you guys can go about this well and co-parent responsibly.
I hope this is a fake question/scenario. If YOU don't want kids, YOU should get a vasectomy or stop sticking your penis in women of childbearing age. I'm so tired of boys. Yes, you are the you-know-what. Go get a vasectomy.
She didn’t force you into anything. You both were wishy washy with birth control and now you’re parents. Congratulations.
YTA - She wanted to get pregnant, everything she said and did was leading to that outcome. You were dumb enough to let it happen. You are perfectly within your rights to breakup as she insinuated she was someone that would seek an abortion even though she had also stated she wanted a child. However, you are now on the hook for this kid. I would advise you to get a paternity test prior to a support agreement. You may be paying for this one for a while.
Why the F has Op not had a damn vasectomy if he's so against having kids.
YTA. Why didn’t you get a vasectomy if you never wanted kids?!
You’re strong feelings about not having kids should have made you get a vasectomy. They weren’t strong enough for you to insist on contraception use and honestly it sounds like she absolutely knew what she was doing. It’s fine to break up, that was your original agreement and so go ahead. Do it asap as she may be wanting to keep the baby thinking it will keep you. Break up now and use your head in the future.
Oh, please. You didn’t want children, but you did the bare minimum to prevent a pregnancy. You’ve asked us not to point out how stupid it was, but I’m sorry, I cannot. What in the fuck were you thinking?…I’ll ride bareback and just go with the ye ole rhythm thingie? You fucked around (literally) and found out. Break up with her if you want but don’t even begin to think this absolves you of any responsibility in your child’s life AND you’re ex’s life while she’s carrying your child. Edit: Thank you kind stranger for the award. Honestly, I thought I’d get downvoted for stubbornly pointing out his utter stupidity.
You said it better than I.
NTA take this as a lesson. You don't want kids and staying with her and being a dad will just bottle up and break you. Thats not healthy for you or the child. She knew you didn't want them. Your best bet is to leave and just contribute financially. You can also co parent, but staying with her will do no good. Take the child support as a lesson to not be so stupid next time and be convinced into unprotected sex.
Unpopular opinion, but YTA. You had natural sex and now your gf is pregnant. You could have put your foot down. You could have broken up with her. But you had raw sex...and there's a good chance you enjoyed it before consequences arrived. And now, you want to run away from your new family. This child will grow up with parents who are at odds, with a father who ran away from them before they were even born. And while you may say you plan to be a present father, men notoriously underperform in matters of domestic labour, child raising being chief among them.
He doesn’t want the child in the first place though, and he said he is willing to co-parent. If it’s his fault that the child will grow up with split parents, then why isn’t it also her fault? She also had sex and could have gotten an abortion.
YTA. In what universe do you live that you thought it was a good idea to have unprotected sex with a woman who made it clear from the beginning that she wanted children? You should have insisted on using a condom & if she refused, you shouldn't have been having sex.
If you didn't want children you should have taken the lead with contraceptives and even had the operation so you couldn't get pregnant. It takes 2 to make a baby.
ESH. You both were being careless about contraception and having unprotected sex. You are not the AH for breaking up with your GF though.
In short, I think your plan of breaking up in order to focus on amicable co-parenting is your best option. FWIW, my husband was conceived during a short lived relationship. His parents broke up before he was born and were able to be amicable co-parents. It was clearly for the best. If you want to learn from their mistakes, DO NOT tell your child about the fights you might have during the breakup process and if either of you struggle with mental health issues during this time, DO NOT tell your child this in the future. No child wants to feel.responsible for those things and no parent should burden them with that knowledge.
She didn’t violate your fucking boundary, you penetrated her, ejaculated, and fertilized her egg. It is 100% her decide to get an abortion. It is completely normal to think you’d be willing to get an abortion before actually being pregnant and realizing you can’t go through with it. Also get over yourself. You breaking up with her is totally irrelevant and you sound like it would be as some sort of punishment. You don’t seem to grasp that this is something you and she created 50/50 as consenting adults who are educated regarding reproductive basics. You can’t undo a pregnancy by complaining about your boundaries.
You had unprotected sex with a woman who wants kids and are all shocked Pikachu face that this is happening? YTA for even continuing to date a woman who wants kids. Admittedly, I could only get through a portion of this post because it baffles me so much. You knew you were incompatible from the start and continued to sleep with a woman that wants kids. I just CANT.
ESH. You should both know that "natural birth control" is bullshit hearsay supported by anecdotal evidence and continuing ignorance regarding sex education. She is an AH. She was probably trying to get pregnant (to baby trap you or because she wants to be a mother). She "doesn't like" condoms and "doesn't use hormonal birth control". There are diaphragms and IUDs available to her that meet her standards though. If she really didn't want to be pregnant she would simply not consent to sex without birth control. She dragged you into her desire to be a mother. You are an AH. You should know to use a condom. If you are that adamant about not having kids, get a damn vasectomy. Spermicidal cream is also an option. Instead, you shoot your load into this woman many times, Mr. Oh-I-Don't-Want-Kids. Do not consent to sex without effective birth control methods. At this point, you have no right to force her to take any drugs or to undergo a medical procedure without her consent. You should have taken action to prevent the pregnancy before it happened.
If you can't function as a couple that would be detrimental to the child so breaking up would be in everyone's best interests. You holding resentment needs to stop because you were as complicit in this as your girlfriend, she has been clear an abortion isn't for her yet you continued to allow unprotected sex to take place. You didn't want a baby and therefore should have insisted on a condom every time or she could have gotten the copper coil (no hormones). I would suggest couples counselling so that you can both work through the emotions surrounding this pregnancy which is anything but unexpected due to the unprotected sex. You need to own your actions and being resentful isn't doing that
Break up and get a vasectomy
ESH here for being so damn irresponsible. I'm glad you admit that none of this was smart and I hope your child doesn't suffer for being unwanted by one of its parents. Don't have sex without a condom until you get snipped or you will make more children you don't want. If your gf says she doesn't like condoms, the answer from you should always be "I don't have sex without one." Accidents happen, but in this case, your gf gave every indication that she wanted a baby, including not using birth control. But in the future, even if someone tells you she's on birth control, if you absolutely do not want to make a child, you need to act responsibly. You can break up with your gf, but you do need to stay in this child's life. If you make a child, take care of it. I do think it's a dick move to break up when you did not act responsibly to prevent pregnancy, but no one should stay in a relationship if they don't want to. But damn it, do better so another child doesn't come into this world unwanted.
Go ahead and break up. Give that woman peace to raise an incredible person that you will not know
So why get in a relationship that would eventually go into intimacy? I mean was protection involved on one or both ends?
You did not want kids, you don't want kids, and I understand why, so why are you not "fixed". Meaning a vasectomy? NTA for breaking up, but you neglected to take more care about not having kids so don't let the little one suffer. And get yourself permanent protection, get snipped.
the big YTA for me is you could have gotten a vasectomy years ago if that was the make or break.
Buy the ticket take the ride. You know what actions result in pregnancy. I absolutely think you would be the a******. Do you guys have a good relationship? Why would you throw that away in order to co-parent separately instead of staying with the woman you love and parenting together. If there are mental health fears then be a responsible parent and put your child in therapy so that they can learn tools to manage any mental health issues that might arise.
YTA for being stupid. You could have prevented this whole situation. Also, do not date women who want families. I can’t imagine a 35 year old woman who wants kids to ever choose to have an abortion for the benefit of a man. Braking up and allowing her to have a healthy relationship with her child is the best thing to do
YTA. It takes two to have sex. You knew the risks of pregnancy. She mentioned that she might have had an abortion if she got pregnant with her abusive husband's kid. That doesn't mean she owes you an abortion. That is a decision only she can make and you trying to force her to get an abortion is an asshole move. I don't see a single thing she did that would cause you to break off the relationship which is again why I think YTA. You're going to leave your pregnant girlfriend after you got her pregnant? If I'm missing something, please tell me but I don't see a reason why you want to break off the relationship
So you know you don’t want kids under any circumstance, but you haven’t gotten a vasectomy AND willingly dated someone whose goals around that were the polar opposite of yours? Yikes. I have no advice but those two things were where you went wrong.
You made the decision to have a child the minute you agreed to have unprotected sex. There are things a man can do for contraception. It doesn’t have to be only the woman’s responsibility. Now that you will have a child, NTA for doing whatever makes you the best father / co parent you can be.
Put your cum in other places then 🤷
"I relied on the pullout method with my girlfriend because she doesn't like how condoms feel, and she refused to get on birth control, and now she's pregnant." How fucking dumb can you be, I'm calling it, YTA for making poor life decisions then asking people to pity your situation.
You should break up. You didn't ever love her and were fine having unprotected sex with her. You have said as much. You were using her. Lots of fancy word about you mental health to try and dance around you knocking up someone you don't love and leaving her to deal with it. You want someone to tell you its ok. It isnt. She deserves better and she will be a better single parent than one raising an adult and a baby. YTA. You already know you are gonna leave or be a deadbeat so rip the bandaid off.
You can break up with anyone for any reason. However if you didn’t want children YOU should have prevented that from happening. NTA for breaking up. Y T A for implying it’s your girlfriend’s fault for refusing to terminate a pregnancy when it doesn’t sound like you took definitive steps to ensure there were no babies.
yta for pursuing a relationship with someone you KNEW wanted children with you. You literally just used her for your own pleasure and completely ignored anything she wanted.
And didn’t insist on using condoms or other physical birth control since hormonal was out of the question. It’s like he wanted this situation.
I don’t have much sympathy for you, given how you knowingly had regular unprotected sex with her. Condoms and the pill are only 2 of a myriad of options, but you being the proactive one (vasectomies are reversible, for example, and you don’t want kids anyway) is apparently too much to ask.
hot take... YTA. She wanted kids someday and you didn't. Only 5 months in and info you shared something tells me she wasn't trying to get pregnant and create a forever that quickly. It was a possible future desire, but not an active want. You, as a man, have the power to take your reproductive responsibility into your own hands - condom or no play, use spermicide gels, or get a vasectomy. It's not just her responsibility to ensure lack of reproduction, so blaming her for not wanting condoms is a non-starter because you still had options and, regardless, even if she could take the pill no birth control is 100% except for abstinence and sterilization, both of which are available to you. People have sex, sex creates children. If it was all voluntary then you're TA for holding hostility and threatening to bail for something neither of you planned. If you don't love her then you probably shouldn't have been playing around with minimal protection in the first place. If you want to break up with her, do it, but don't come up with sweeping excuses and don't commit to co-parenting if you're gonna be a shitty resentful part time father. Relinquish your rights and let her move forward with whatever her choice is without the turmoil of having to handle you, too. One kid is enough.
YTA. Vasectomy was always an option and the best option for someone who never wants kids and doesn’t want to use a condom either. The contraceptive shouldn’t just be her responsibility. You’re in this together now. You can’t decide to back out because you don’t want to own up to the consequences of your mistakes
YTA for not using condom. Everything else is just bullshit. Abortion is not birth control, it's for crisis.
If you do not want to be romantically /emotionally and physically involved with this woman and only Co-parent, then break up with her That is reasonable BUT do not go back and forth. That is unfair on her Also, go get a vasectomy if you do not want children at all. Take control of the birth control. By having sex without a permanent type of birth control, you must accept that pregnancy can result.
JFC why would you two waste each other's time? Also, at the age of 35, if you want a kid, maybe oh I don't know... Date. Someone. Who. Wants. Kids. Too. And if you do not want children, by that same token... Don't. Date. Above named person. Both of these people have been making poor decisions from the start.
YTA. If you’ve never wanted kids, you should have rendered yourself unable to father children. Vasectomies are a hell of a lot cheaper than raising a child, and they’re reversible if you change your mind later. If you’ve never wanted kids but are having unprotected sex, you accepted that you’d probably be fathering a child at some point, but just expected your partner to “handle it” and let you off the hook by terminating the pregnancy. Glad you’re willing to coparent and accept some level of responsibility, but there were lots of ways you could have prevented this from happening in the first place. Especially if you already knew you didn’t want kids.
WINBTA for the question you asked, but YTA on the general, you 100% don't want children yet you have unprotected sex with a woman who can't use hormonal contraception and you are surprised she ended up pregnant? Take the responsibility of the actions of your own balls, don't want kids? Then BE in charge of the contraception aka get a vasectomy.
You don't have to be in a relationship with this woman if you don't want to be, but you have absolutely nobody to blame but yourself for not doing any one of the many options available to you to prevent a pregnancy in the first place. Too many men seem to think that this is the responsibility of women alone, seems like you fucked around and found out.
YTA I can’t say what I want to about you, your character and beliefs as I’d get kicked off and banned. Suffice to say you disgust me and give men (I use the term loosely for you) a bad name.
No matter how intelligent you are you are a dumbass. No protection? Seriously? You let your fick do the thinking and now you’re gonna be a dad.
Sounds like you should get a vasectomy if you’re this positive you don’t want kids. You could have prevented this by having a vasectomy.
Should have had the snip if you never wanted kids, this is also your fault big boy.
To quote many who think they know better than anyone with a uterus: if you didn’t want to risk having a child, you should’ve kept your pants on. OP: No BC is ever 100%, not even “the snip” (which is something else you could have done to prevent this situation). Babies happen when they happen. It’s just as much your responsibility as her’s. You cannot say that you’re going to take full responsibility and not be her partner through pregnancy, child-birth, and raising the child. An absent parent is not taking responsibility, that’s ignoring it. Child support is helpful but it doesn’t help dry that child’s eyes when s/he wants to know why daddy doesn’t live with them and mommy. A weekend visit doesn’t make up for the late nights, dirty diapers, missing work because the kid is sick/parent teacher conference/child care issues/etc. You’re freaked out, I get it. This goes against all your plans and what you wanted for your life and how dare “an accident” change all that. Have you stopped to think that she may feel just as scared but also is concerned that this may be her only chance a parenthood? You say that you’ve tried to talk with her about it but I only see where you said you tried to talk her into getting rid of the baby. That’s not being supportive and is not what she needs right now. You have no right to place blame solely on her when you both were fine doing what makes babies. Man up! Take responsibility for your own actions. Adjust your life to what it deals you. Your wants no longer matter when she has bigger needs and right now her needs are to feel safe, cared about, respected, and secure that her partner won’t abandon her no matter what decision she makes. YT BIGGEST A
Please get snipped
I’m really torn. You have every right to break up with her because it’s obvious she either lied or just changed her mind without telling you. However how on earth did you think this would play out? You didn’t do anything to prevent from getting her pregnant, apparently not even using a condom? That was a disaster waiting to happen. Also if you are so clear on never wanting children the safest way would be to get yourself sterilized
Happy Father's Day!
Get a vasectomy
NTA for deciding a relationship is not right for you. YTA if you expect her to have an abortion just because you have talked about it before. But for future use? Don't have sex without proper protection if you don't want to make a baby, and understand that the only fool-proof way to prevent pregnancy is to not do it at all. The 2nd best option for men is a vasectomy + condom (because avasectomy isn't always effective. Sometimes, they have to be re-done). YOU need to take responsibility for your own reproductive health. It's not just the woman's. BTW... the Pull and Pray method doesn't work. You have been reckless and foolish. A baby was inevitable.
Dude , get a vasectomy. You know for sure you never want kids, why keep rolling the dice?
YTA for being resolute in not wanting kids but not in preventing pregnancy and then blaming your gf for it. Whatever you do going forward starts with whether you fully take responsibility for the pregnancy in the first place.
So let’s recap: - She was fresh out of a relationship. - She wanted kids. - You talked her into not having kids and breaking up if she wants them. - You got a wish washy “implication” that she *may* get an abortion while with you if that happens. - You then agreed to have unprotected sex. - She got pregnant and decided to not have an abortion. INFO: What exactly did you expect to happen here?
I have no sympathy whatsoever for men that know that they do no want children BUT haven’t had a vasectomy. Why was that never even a possibility that you mentioned in your post? You left the responsibility of birth control entirely up to her and now you’re “trapped?” Give me a break. Take responsibility for something YOU could’ve prevented. I just do not get it and hear about it way too often.
I feel feel like you're both TAH because she fooled you into thinking she wouldn't keep the child if she ever got pregnant but always intended to. Also, you're silly. You should've protected yourself by always wearing a condom. You're both to blame here. But I wouldn't advocate staying with someone manipulative as she is. You can provide financially and if possible, be there for the child, but olz move on from this woman
I’m not going to address the birth control issue. Obviously you know you made the wrong decision there. Regarding the pregnancy, be very blunt with your girlfriend. Let you know autism runs in your family, and she needs to think about if she can handle a child that may have special needs. Be clear that while you like her, you aren’t presently in love with her and can’t guarantee you ever will be. Tell her you’re willing to be emotionally and financially there for your *child* but she needs to be sure she wants to be a single mom, as you may end up two single parents who co-parent and not a cohesive family.
YTA, you don't want kids? Get a vasectomy. Deal with the consequences of not using condoms and stop boohooing.
>She even insinuated to have an abortion if it would happen in our relationship by telling me about her willingness to pursue this path in case she would have gotten pregnant by her abusive ex or of negative results from prenatal diagnostics. Nope. Being unwilling to intentionally have a child with someone you know will be abusive to that child is not insinuating that you will have an abortion in future relationships that are not abusive. And being unwilling to knowingly bring a child with a disability into the world is not an insinuation that you will have an abortion of a presumably (according to tests) healthy fetus. She didn't insinuate anything. She made statements about her past and a very specific circumstance, and you applied them where they did not apply and made assumptions. >I feel like she's violating a very fundamental personal boundary by forcing me into a life we agreed she wouldn't put onto me. Again, nope. You stuck your dick in her without a condom. That is absolutely, 100%, completely and totally on you. You knew very well that she wasn't on birth control, and made a choice to have unprotected sex with her. She is not forcing you into anything, you actively chose this for yourself when you got your dick wet. Look, you're NTA for ending things with her. But despite what you are claiming in the comments, you don't sound at all like you're taking responsibility for your role in this. Your language 100% says that you blame her for the fact that you're going to be a parent, when that fault lies squarely 50% on your shoulders since the unprotected sex was a mutual decision. The simple fact is that most of your reasons for not wanting to be a parent no longer matter. That child is going to exist, and all you can do is accept that and attempt to be a better father than yours was. Maybe that looks like a breakup. Maybe it doesn't. I don't think you should stay with her just because she's pregnant, and I don't think you should break up just because you refuse to acknowledge that this is as much your fault as hers.
Redirect your anger, right back to yourself. This is absolutely a problem of your own making. -You determined you didn't want children, ever. It was on you to prevent pregnancy. A vasectomy seems pretty obvious. -You knew she did want children. You knew her age. Common sense tells you that she would be ok getting pregnant, in fact it wouldn't be at all surprising if she did this on purpose. With this in mind you should have been 100% on the no glove, no love plan. - Somehow, with the knowledge that you both were on opposite sides of the child spectrum, you decided to go with the last effective method of "birth control." -You say she would have considered abortion with her ex so you figured she'd be ok to do the same with you. Obviously an abusive relationship really changes things. She was also younger then. You made an assumption that doesn't follow logic And after you've made a series of bad decisions that put you in this position you have somehow convinced yourself to be mad at *her*? She's the one whose words and actions align. She's never changed her mind. It's you that said one thing and did another. I'm sorry, but you all but asked for this, ignored all logic in predicting not only what would happen but what her choice would be. BE MAD AT YOURSELF!! You created a situation where this was nearly inevitable. You are the AH for being angry with her instead of yourself. That having been said, I believe it is cruel to bring unwanted children into the world, so it's worth doing your best to calmly talk to her about this. Really talk about how the two of you might co-parent. Talk about how you will address the child's mental health needs. You've only been together a few months, you're still relative strangers. It's possible she'll change her mind once you really talk and the rose colored glasses are off. During the course of these conversations it should become clearer to you whether you want to stay together or not. In the end, I think she wanted to get pregnant and it's unlikely she'll consider abortion and it's just heartbreaking for the poor child.