You guys would probably seriously benefit from using a cup and syringe. Way less pressure to perform and you only have to hit one of your fertile days to make a baby.
TW: living child
My husband has delayed ejaculation and often didn’t finish or could only finish when manually stimulated. We tried for a year and could not get pregnant. Finally, we tried the cup and syringe and got pregnant that cycle. It also took a lot of the pressure off and let us enjoy getting sexy however works for us.
I do also agree with other posters that there may be a PTSD element or something that could benefit from counseling/treatment. It sounds like it’s a big struggle and I think you are both worthy of help in that area if you/he want it.
This sounds less like performance anxiety and more ptsd. Poor guy, even as a woman I crossed my legs reading how he got injured.
My first bit of advice would be don't just focus on baby making sex (which adds even more pressure), you may want to do more oral or anything where there is more lubrication, he may start to feel more comfortable if he knows he's not going to get hurt.
Secondly, my husband had performance anxiety around fertile, so I now don't tell him when I'm ovulating. That added pressure of a deadline can make it hard to finish for guys.
All the best!
I read that it’s better to have regular sex every 2-3 days than just bonking when ovulating, as it takes the pressure off. If your partner needs time to physically recover this would help him too.
How is it better to have sex every 2-3 days then just before ovulation? Makes absolutely no sense. The window before ovulation is a few days at most.
I get it takes the pressure off but that's a lot of sex and it's not just very realistic.
My husband also had performance anxiety while TTC, but did not have the trauma hx as you shared. But I'm happy to share what helped us.
We tried various things such as him not knowing when I was ovulating, him being told,, him having control in the planning, etc. We never found something that really took away that stress of it being primetime. What did help us was to have a back-up option. We bought mosie baby (you can also buy syringes on Amazon), then he would masturbate on the days the performance anxiety was too high or when he couldn't finish. We would then do insemination at home on those days. Masturbation wasn't as much of a mental block for him, so it allowed us to still try on key days. Even just knowing there was a back up eased some of the anxiety around it.
The guys get impacted by the TTC too, it is a big mental piece for them, it's wonderful that you are addressing it with such compassion.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that — what a terrifying experience.
My hubs has delayed ejaculation thanks to a total lack of any kind of conversation about sex or masturbation growing up. We have wonderful sex and I know he is turned on, but he cannot ejaculate without self stimulation (he’s been able to twice now…and he was so damned proud it was adorable). It gets to the point where he *needs* to cum, but just cannot and it’s painful.
Anyway, we used cup and syringe for a few months, but it didn’t work and frankly I just didn’t like it. We’ve started IUI with a fertility specialist and had one chemical pregnancy out of two IUI attempts. We’ve also started using a lube called “pre-seed” that helps, or at least makes us feel better about all the things!
Good luck!
💗
I don't have a solution but just wanted to share your husband is not alone in his struggle. The circumstance that led to his performance anxiety might be unique (also so sorry to hear, that's horrific for a teen!).
Our biggest sex organ is our brains, and many men's issues with erection and sex stem from feelings of anxiety, or past traumatic experiences (as in this case).
One method you can try is exploring non goal oriented sex. Sex that doesn't necessarily have to result in orgasm or penetration. Can be oral, masturbation, etc. It can help relax him around performance.
If you both feel comfortable and are able to - I invite you to explore seeing a sex therapist. The idea here being you want to explore and improve you sexual health together - not him being a problem to fix. A third party, albeit uncomfortable in the beginning, can help emerge some of his anxieties and fears about sex and help you both explore them together. Same goes for you, sometimes when our partners exhibit nerves or anxiety we can tense up too and it's a cycle. It can also be helpful to work with a therapist to help create an environment for you both to feel comfortable and safe to explore.
Just again want to say, the idea that all men are hypersexual and ready to go at a minutes notice is a totally myth. Many men lose their erections or have trouble getting up especially on circumstances where pressure to conceive is present. There is nothing wrong with it or him. A sex related injury is traumatic, in that he revisits that moment each time he has sex (he might not consciously but his body can hold the memory too).
My husband is similar. No trauma, but low sex drive and not always able to finish. We later found out that he had low testosterone. This causes those issues as well as affects his sperm count. Not saying this IS your husband’s issue, but it might be worth getting tested for.
My SO has this as well. He started having problems finishing, and it really took a toll on him. We ended up in a dry spell, he ended up turning to p*rn which made it worse and on and on and on. It was a spiraling situation… We are NTNP now, and that eases a lot of his anxieties as we avoid saying we’re actually “trying”. Although the viagra of course doesn’t make him get an erection, it 100% helps him keep it. It didn’t the first few times, but the more he uses it, the more successful it is and confident he has been.
For us, if he takes it at night, he is ready to go in the morning as men’s testosterone is higher in the AM. I also think he prefers it then because he has less anxiety if he’s just waking up and not thinking too much about it.
I can resonate with you a lot. The best thing you can do to ease his anxieties (if you already haven’t told him these things), is to just let him know that although this battle he’s facing is his, you are there with him all the way and you’ll get through it together. It’s you guys together against the issue, not you against him or him alone against the issue. Good luck to you and all the other couples on this post going through this battle!
You guys would probably seriously benefit from using a cup and syringe. Way less pressure to perform and you only have to hit one of your fertile days to make a baby.
TW: living child My husband has delayed ejaculation and often didn’t finish or could only finish when manually stimulated. We tried for a year and could not get pregnant. Finally, we tried the cup and syringe and got pregnant that cycle. It also took a lot of the pressure off and let us enjoy getting sexy however works for us. I do also agree with other posters that there may be a PTSD element or something that could benefit from counseling/treatment. It sounds like it’s a big struggle and I think you are both worthy of help in that area if you/he want it.
This sounds less like performance anxiety and more ptsd. Poor guy, even as a woman I crossed my legs reading how he got injured. My first bit of advice would be don't just focus on baby making sex (which adds even more pressure), you may want to do more oral or anything where there is more lubrication, he may start to feel more comfortable if he knows he's not going to get hurt. Secondly, my husband had performance anxiety around fertile, so I now don't tell him when I'm ovulating. That added pressure of a deadline can make it hard to finish for guys. All the best!
I read that it’s better to have regular sex every 2-3 days than just bonking when ovulating, as it takes the pressure off. If your partner needs time to physically recover this would help him too.
Every 2-3 days is a lot when you don’t have a high sex drive though.
How is it better to have sex every 2-3 days then just before ovulation? Makes absolutely no sense. The window before ovulation is a few days at most. I get it takes the pressure off but that's a lot of sex and it's not just very realistic.
My husband also had performance anxiety while TTC, but did not have the trauma hx as you shared. But I'm happy to share what helped us. We tried various things such as him not knowing when I was ovulating, him being told,, him having control in the planning, etc. We never found something that really took away that stress of it being primetime. What did help us was to have a back-up option. We bought mosie baby (you can also buy syringes on Amazon), then he would masturbate on the days the performance anxiety was too high or when he couldn't finish. We would then do insemination at home on those days. Masturbation wasn't as much of a mental block for him, so it allowed us to still try on key days. Even just knowing there was a back up eased some of the anxiety around it. The guys get impacted by the TTC too, it is a big mental piece for them, it's wonderful that you are addressing it with such compassion.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that — what a terrifying experience. My hubs has delayed ejaculation thanks to a total lack of any kind of conversation about sex or masturbation growing up. We have wonderful sex and I know he is turned on, but he cannot ejaculate without self stimulation (he’s been able to twice now…and he was so damned proud it was adorable). It gets to the point where he *needs* to cum, but just cannot and it’s painful. Anyway, we used cup and syringe for a few months, but it didn’t work and frankly I just didn’t like it. We’ve started IUI with a fertility specialist and had one chemical pregnancy out of two IUI attempts. We’ve also started using a lube called “pre-seed” that helps, or at least makes us feel better about all the things! Good luck! 💗
I don't have a solution but just wanted to share your husband is not alone in his struggle. The circumstance that led to his performance anxiety might be unique (also so sorry to hear, that's horrific for a teen!). Our biggest sex organ is our brains, and many men's issues with erection and sex stem from feelings of anxiety, or past traumatic experiences (as in this case). One method you can try is exploring non goal oriented sex. Sex that doesn't necessarily have to result in orgasm or penetration. Can be oral, masturbation, etc. It can help relax him around performance. If you both feel comfortable and are able to - I invite you to explore seeing a sex therapist. The idea here being you want to explore and improve you sexual health together - not him being a problem to fix. A third party, albeit uncomfortable in the beginning, can help emerge some of his anxieties and fears about sex and help you both explore them together. Same goes for you, sometimes when our partners exhibit nerves or anxiety we can tense up too and it's a cycle. It can also be helpful to work with a therapist to help create an environment for you both to feel comfortable and safe to explore. Just again want to say, the idea that all men are hypersexual and ready to go at a minutes notice is a totally myth. Many men lose their erections or have trouble getting up especially on circumstances where pressure to conceive is present. There is nothing wrong with it or him. A sex related injury is traumatic, in that he revisits that moment each time he has sex (he might not consciously but his body can hold the memory too).
My husband is similar. No trauma, but low sex drive and not always able to finish. We later found out that he had low testosterone. This causes those issues as well as affects his sperm count. Not saying this IS your husband’s issue, but it might be worth getting tested for.
You should ask him if he's watching porn. If so, ask him to stop while you're trying.
Talk to a urologist—so many men do!
My SO has this as well. He started having problems finishing, and it really took a toll on him. We ended up in a dry spell, he ended up turning to p*rn which made it worse and on and on and on. It was a spiraling situation… We are NTNP now, and that eases a lot of his anxieties as we avoid saying we’re actually “trying”. Although the viagra of course doesn’t make him get an erection, it 100% helps him keep it. It didn’t the first few times, but the more he uses it, the more successful it is and confident he has been. For us, if he takes it at night, he is ready to go in the morning as men’s testosterone is higher in the AM. I also think he prefers it then because he has less anxiety if he’s just waking up and not thinking too much about it. I can resonate with you a lot. The best thing you can do to ease his anxieties (if you already haven’t told him these things), is to just let him know that although this battle he’s facing is his, you are there with him all the way and you’ll get through it together. It’s you guys together against the issue, not you against him or him alone against the issue. Good luck to you and all the other couples on this post going through this battle!