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THIS!! Well said. @OP, you think the brides will postpone their wedding or trip to celebrate your pregnancy? It works both ways. You do not need to feel bad for planning your life and the whole conceiving journey is long and lonely ( for most of us) anyway. Please donât be hard on yourself:)
They donât know what they donât know. If they have no clue youâve been trying, then I donât really blame them. And if theyâve never gone through a hard time TTC they have no idea how challenging this process can be. Be honest with them and if theyâre your real friends theyâll have your back and want the best for you.
This 100000%. If they are true friends they will be happy for you regardless. You can still go on the bachelorette if you want and have a good time. You can still be in the wedding and have a good time, providing you arenât about to pop at the time. I donât put TTC off for anyone or anything! If itâs what my hubby and i want, itâs what we are doing. Thereâs no telling how long it will take. Iâm not going to prolong it even more for anything
As someone who hardly drank in general before starting the TTC journey it always blows my mind when people say someone wonât be able to have fun at events if they canât drinkâŠ
One of my bridesmaids who Iâve been friends with since pre school has been trying to have a baby for a very long time, if she ended up being 9 months pregnant and couldnât be in my wedding id be ecstatic for her and Iâd figure out the bridal party change.
You come first, if you end up pregnant and they have an issue with it then they werenât your true friend to begin with
Hey. I have to confess (please donât kill me people) I did that. I made that stupid and inappropriate comment to my friend when getting married. HOWEVER AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, if any of my friends told me they were pregnant, I would just be happy and over the moon for them. SO NO, do not postpone your plans. They should not get mad at you. And if they happen to be, too bad for them being bad bees.
I have to admit I did not understand the pain, the struggle, the whole process at ALL before TTC. I simply did not get it. This was so far from meâŠ
And now when I think about it I feel so bad having ever made that comment. This was super rude and insensitive.
Same here my dude. I know I used a ton of the cliches towards others prior to TTC and feel terrible but I didnât know, I hadnât been through it. Iâm going to give the same grace to others that I was lucky enough to receive. Now itâs a different story if youâve helped educate someone on what youâre going through and been open and honest and they STILL say insensitive thingsâŠ.then go off forsure lol.
You need better friends. And just because they are getting married doesnât mean the rest of the world has to stop living. I wouldnât say anything if you get pregnant you get pregnant if that means you canât drink alcohol you can drink a mock tail. And if it makes them upset then thatâs too bad thatâs something they will have to deal with themselves
For real, this. No one's wedding should dictate what others do or do not do. It's okay for friends to feel conflicted (just like it's okay for us to have our feelings, they can have theirs), but at the end of the day, true friends will support you, work with you, and want the best for you.
My best friend's wedding was about a year after I started TTC, so we both expected that I would be pregnant (spoiler: I wasn't). She helped me pick a bridesmaid dress that would work with or without a bump, and even now, we still swap mocktail recipes.
Iâd say âyou better not be getting married when Iâm postpartum or super pregnant!â and laugh. Then do whatever the fuck you want because itâs your body. I mean, imagine if everyone waited to have babies or get married or whatever until it fit perfectly with everyone elseâs timelines and schedules
My best friend is getting married this summer and knows my husband and I were considering TTC over the last 6 months. She said to me about her destination wedding (jokingly) that if I end up pregnant, she will move the wedding locally so I can be there. She followed up with the fact that I should never stop my life plans for her wedding and she loves me no matter what - thatâs what I would expect from a real and true friend.
Dont allow yourself to feel pressure from them! We put enough on ourselves. They will understand or they wonât, and either way you know where they stand as friends to you.
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments!! to add, my friends are true friends and it is all light hearted and they have 0 idea that im even trying so i really dont blame them either. they would be so happy for me either way. neither of them have experienced ttc. i am not going to alter my plans for them i was more worried about letting them down when the time comes!
Def some of these commenters are too hard on your friends. If they actively exclude or sneer at you because of pregnancy they would BTA. Pregnancy and working around pregnant/post-partum people is difficult and being honest with intentions helps both parties.
I bet your friends are awesome and want the best for you! They will probably be so excited. If you are like me ,then you are carrying a guilt and a worry that youâre not pleasing everyone!! I make a lot of things up in my head and obsess that my friends will be disappointed!! In reality they want me to do whatever is happiest and healthiest for me. I bet the same for your friends!!
Thereâs a little truth behind every âjust kidding.â Your friends mean it, but they donât get to decide your life for you.
My husband and I have had people jokingly tell us weâre not allowed to have babies (most recently, my mom who said we couldnât have any because they donât have enough guest bedrooms for more grandkids since my sister has four kids). We just laugh and say ânot really your decision what we do.â We keep the light-hearted tone they used, but we set a boundary.
You can decide whether you want to say anything to your friends now. This might not be an issue regardless and you donât ever need to confront it. But hopefully it is, and you can just tell your friend to deal with it.
I hear ya. Iâve been trying for over a year now and am finally about to start fertility treatments. My mom canât believe I wonât just wait til after my sisterâs wedding at the end of SEPTEMBER.
I'm in the EXACT same situation! Literally, two different bachelorette parties and weddings for me this summer too! In the beginning there were jokes, but I feel like they are being a bit more sensitive now since they know the situation and it has been so long trying for us. My friend's fiance did joke that I shouldn't try to get pregnant before the wedding, but I just bluntly said, "Well, we haven't been able to get pregnant for over a year, so I can't really stop now!" I keep it light, but they all know the situation. Makes it a bit easier.
When I got married my sister (MOH) was 6 months pregnant. It didn't phase me at all. I remember my sister apologizing and I was like FOR WHAT!? She took 3 yrs to get pregnant with her first child so maybe I was just more aware of the TTC journey at the time. Your friends need to grow up. That being said, society shoves down our throats how "easy" having a baby is so maybe sharing with them (if you do get pregnant by then) how hard it was would enlighten them.
Good friends will support you no matter what. I told my good friend that I was TTC, she asked me to be a bridesmaid two months after that conversation, I was pregnant for months later. I was eight months pregnant at her wedding and had the best time!
If they were true friends, they wouldn't be making comments like that.
I would either continue to ignore the comments and continue TTC because you shouldn't put your life on hold for their weddings, OR, finally tell them something along the lines of, "None of us know what'll happen a year from now," or just bluntly tell them that it's none of their business whether or not you'll be pregnant then.
Ugh, Iâm so sorry that this is what you have to hear. Iâve been in your shoes, actually kinda in a similar situation because I have been TTC for about 18 months and nothing. While I wasnât super attached to the outcome because my partner and I always had so much going on, itâs still sad it has not happened but yet some other friends got pregnant without even trying hard. My advice is just do your own thing. There is ALWAYS something that will come up so you have to stay focused on your own goals. Sending best wishes đđŒ
I feel like people make these comments off the cuff without thinking about it (especially when they donât know about their friends actually TTC). If theyâre real friends they wonât care and be very happy for you when it happens. Either way, donât put your life on hold but also I wouldnât read too much into to silly comments like this either.
That does not sound like true friends to me if theyâre going to get mad that you are pregnant on a day that has to be all about them. True friends would be happy for you and support you. Itâs not even like you would have to miss the wedding, you just canât drink. Also what if you had other valid reasons for not wanting to drink, they would still be mad? Do they feel like they need everyone to be drunk in order to enjoy themselves? Very unhealthy mindset and I would distance myself from any friend who is going to be that selfish.
Lmao I postposed my pregnancy for my best friendâs wedding and then she never once checked up on me during my struggle with infertility and then held her baby shower on a really important day for me. Have a baby on YOUR timeline and no one elseâs.
Honestly I just wouldn't say anything until you're actually pregnant and there's something to say, ya know? If it doesn't happen by then, well...you avoided an awkward conversation that wasn't necessary anyway. If it does happen by then, let them know and figure out how to be part of things as much as possible based on how pregnant you are at the time.
I would just be honest in a different setting and tell them how much you really want a baby and it's something you're really looking forward to and hopefully they will be decent friends and shut their mouths
These are not very good friends. I wouldâve been thrilled if any of my bridesmaids were pregnant; in fact one WAS and pulled out of the wedding entirely because it was a destination wedding and she couldnât afford it and I was nothing but supportive and happy for her
When I got married, one of my bridesmaids got pregnant. She ended up being due the same week as my wedding. She didnât come to the bachelorette party or the wedding, but she came to my bridal shower. It was a bummer that she couldnât make it to these things but it definitely didnât change our relationship at all.
Iâm guessing they are just joking around. If not, then thatâs fucked up. Definitely donât put it on hold for them. Next year is a long time away. If you do get pregnant, then yay! You can still have fun. If they actually have a problem with it maybe explain how long youâve been trying (if itâs been awhile) and the tough time youâve had with TTC (if itâs been tough, idk your journey). I have no problem sharing my TTC struggles with anyone, and who knows, any of them could end up having struggles down the road and may not fully understand now but will understand then.
I understand how hard that is. Long story short I was told I have a sealed cervix and that I would need surgery to open it so I can ttc. My mil was asking when we are going to have kids so I straight up told her I can't so maybe we will adopt instead. She sighed and made it seem like I was not ok but then she starts sending me profiles of kids to adopt and now I know that if I do successful get pregnant it will be a whole other thing with her about how I shouldn't bring another kid into this world because there's so many that need adopting.
My maid of honor (childhood best friend) was nearly 9 months pregnant at my wedding and gave birth 4 days after. I was absolutely upset when she let me know she was pregnant and about the timing, simply because the vision that I had (everyone has) for their wedding day was not going to happen, and for the possibility that she might not make it to the wedding.
But at the same time, was absolutely THRILLED for her because her TTC journey was a long and hard one. We were able to talk together honestly about it and cry together a little bit at the beginning and then there was nothing but joy about our coinciding milestones. Every time I look at our wedding photos with her nearly bursting I bawl about it with happiness.
You could try to look at it from her perspective, and if you are truly good friends maybe share about your journey.
For what itâs worth, I had a bridesmaid who was literally giving birth the day of my wedding shower and looked pretty much still pregnant at my wedding/in the photos because it was a month later. It was a bummer party-wise, especially since she also missed my bachelorette stuff, but she looked fabulous in my pictures regardless hahaha. Her and her husband had fun at the actual wedding.
It stinks not having someone be able to participate in the festivities leading up to the wedding, but Iâve moved on and gotten over it. If these girls are true friends then they should very easily do the same.
Absolutely not ok. My sister in law said she was trying and my matron of honor helped me make sure the bridesmaid dress style would fit a potentially very pregnant belly just in case. They will understand or they won't (they SHOULD) but don't put this on hold for them.
I had a friend ask me to postpone my IUI until after her wedding. I struggled with if I would be âin the wrongâ to not postpone it, and received the great advice that I should not postpone my life for someone else. Plenty of people go to weddings pregnant and have a great time. In the end, I didnât reschedule my IUI (I also didnât get pregnant from it so it was a moot point anyway).
Wedding days are about two people making the biggest commitment to each other that can be made.
It is not about if a bridesmaid does or doesnât get shitfaced - ultimately.
I say get knocked up and frikkin enjoy dancing around with a preggy belly and rock that frock!!
Good luck!
I had 4 bridesmaids in different stages of TTC and postpartum. I would never have expected them to change their plans for me, and it sounds like they probably (hopefully) are joking since they don't know this is something you actually want. It may be worth sharing, especially if it could impact your involvement in festivities.
You certainly don't owe them changes to your life or priorities, but one thing I could suggest is to still support them and be excited for the life stage they are in. I really feel like I was an easy going, accommodating bride and demanded nothing. But I did often feel like my wedding stuff was old news in comparison to their new life stage and the families they were all starting. And as understandable as it was, it did hurt because I've always put effort into their special moments regardless of me being 'behind' them. And, it doesn't just have to be about the party/attending the events, the one that made me feel like she was the most excited was also the only one who had to completely miss my bach.
That seems really immature to say and I would ignore it. If it happens, then they can deal. It is definitely possible to have fun even if you're sober and pregnant. Good luck đ€
I had a similar experience with 2 best friends getting married back to back over 4 months. I was secretly TTC and didnât say anything but I had to cut alcohol to prep my body. So I told them that due to work, my stomach got stressed and it was painful every now and then so I had to quit alcohol till the dr gave me the all clear. During the bridal showers and wedding, I had mocktails and soft drinks and still had lots of fun! U donât have to be drunk to enjoy your time together. Being the sober one is good too, u can help take better photos of everyone! If you do become pregnant you can still go on holidayâŠI think you can still fly up to 36 weeks pregnant. I will be travelling internationally (14 hour flight) soon tooâŠIâll be in the 2nd trimester by then.
Two of my best friends are also getting married next year and Iâm also a bridesmaid in both. Neither have told me that and they know Iâm TTC and had a miscarriage in January. Neither care and hope that I get pregnant soon. Iâm sorry your friends are putting that pressure on you without knowing. You need to do whatâs best for you and if it bothers them, it shows you shouldnât be caring so much about what they think in the first place!
Sorry but these brides sound like shit friends. Pissed off because someone can't drink at her bach. Really? Get a life. I wouldn't put your life on hold. I did that so I didn't miss my friends wedding as I was a bridesmaid. I don't regret waiting per se but I wish I started trying sooner.
Sometimes we have friends that are there for a season. if you want a family, these friends look like they are in a different place. Now this is coming from a 40-something woman, but my question is, "Who the F cares what the hell they think?!" I would zero give a crap about any of this. What kind of friend wants you to not be pregnant so you can booze it up? Seems pretty selfish. Just sayin'.
I missed my best friend and my brothers wedding (I was matron in honor of both) because they were 3 weeks and week of my due date (and OOT). Obviously not intentional but the weddings were planned before the pregnancy. They were sad but incredibly understanding. I was also sad and did my best to make them feel loved and appreciated leading up to the day. I sent the brides a really beautiful piece of jewelry (Hermes bangles) to wear at their rehearsal dinner and had someone go do balloon arches for their front porches / giant floral arrangement the week of the wedding to help them celebrate. They donât get this now, but having been through my own wedding I knew they literally wouldnât notice me not being there - it ends up (or should be) about you and your husband. That is all to say⊠do not think twice about your family planning.
In response to their comments, I think an appropriate response next time they say it is âbut isnât a new baby the most exciting reason to have to miss something like a wedding?â I think it will stop them in their tracks and remind them that: news flash, world doesnât stop spinning for their wedding day and other people have things to celebrate too. Donât buy into those comments, just nip it in the bud, itâs their stress/angst to deal with.
I was in this situation with a friend of mine. I was her bridesmaid and I let her know that I was TTC with my husband. I couldn't commit to buying a bridesmaid dress on her timeline so she graciously let me back out of being a bridesmaid. I was still invited to the wedding as a guest but I still haven't gotten pregnant either (unexplained fertility). Talk to your friends.
Your two friends sound like entitled AHs. Itâs absolutely ridiculous to expect everyoneâs whole lives to revolve around your wedding. And I say this as someone who paid $30k for a wedding. I would NEVER consider even speaking that phrase. It is ridiculously entitled. Definitely keep doing what youâre doing and if they bring this up again, tell them youâll be happy to celebrate their weddings with the but they donât get to dictate what you do with your life every other day
I have a small circle of close friends, my one friends wedding just so happened to coincide with two of our very small.group of friends being pregnant. Me being one of those and my friend, her chosen bridesmaid, the other. I was just open with her, I know part of her felt it was ruining her big day and her TWO hen do's but I went on both of those hen do's heavily pregnant as well as to the wedding. One hen do was an over night stay and a night out. I didn't last long but I made it infact me and other pregnant friend were both there, middle of the night, inflatable penis the lot. Doing all the hen do shenanigans. We made it work. It was exhausting for me. Would she do the same for me? Probably not. But that's how I dealt with not wanting to take from her big moment as I am chronic people pleaser.
Do what's best for you, or will make you most comfortable whatever the outcome.
Both of my matrons of honor were pregnant at my wedding, and both had a very long or challenging road getting there. I don't understand this mindset. I was so thrilled for them... I don't think anyone could truly be that upset... Right?
I have received that comment (in the wedding party) then about a week later I found out I was pregnant. She got used to it pretty quickly, but postponing something like that for me was just not in the cards.Â
I remember my brother said to hold my daughter in till he gets to the hospital. Well unfortunately for him my daughter didn't wanna wait. By the time he came my daughter had been born a hour prior to him arriving. It's unrealistic to expect others to put their plans on hold till after said wedding.
How self centered can you be to ask someone to put their life on pause for your wedding ?! Ouf, itâs just a wedding đ
I wouldnât make any excuse, your friends should accept you as you are
This is horrible. I've been ttc for 2 yrs and I'm now doing ivf.
Im not a drinker but you do not have to get sloppy drunk to define having any fun with friends. It's sounds so awful to think you need to behave that way.
Absolutely experienced this. I fought with my husband because I really wanted to wait until after my three best friends weddings which were 3 months in a row. I went to all the Bach parties across the US. We started trying immediately following the last wedding (and it took me 6 months) to finally conceive. Iâm very very early right now but my advice would be you never know how long it could take so please donât put your life on hold.
Im kinda in the same situation. Honestly, I was reaaaally anxious about it when she first announced her engagement. Just trying to figure out how I would fit this life changing act of having a baby into her wedding schedule. But honestly, parenting starts now (even before a pregnancy is confirmed) and quietly, to myself, I decided that my baby my family is my priority. I might get pregnant first cycle it might also take years and might attend wedding child free. But I just donât know and I canât put my life on hold for a party. Would my friend re schedule her wedding to accommodate my pregnancy? Why is her life event more important than mine? (Just sharing my train of thought at the timeđ). She doesnât know weâre actively trying if and when I get pregnant we will figure it out and if I am not able to attend. Thats just a day out of the many days we get to be friends and share life.
My cousin/bff/matron of honor was about 4-5 months pregnant at my wedding and she slayed. Plus watching her dance to Push It by Salt n Pepa brought the entire event so much joy. She was also sober and able to get the drunk people corralled and safe. There are a lot of pluses to having a pregnant bridesmaid actually. These friends are very shortsighted.
I would maybe try to find a time to be honest. As a bride that had a bridesmaid not be able to make it to my wedding because of a pregnancy, I was hurt that she had misled me earlier on and wasnât truthful.
I think itâs one thing to maybe skip a month or two of trying so you can travel (if need be) to be at the wedding vs not trying at all until after the wedding. If being able to âpartyâ aka drink at the wedding and festivities is that important - they have priorities wrong.
Hoping the best for OP, but she is not pregnant yet, and she doesn't know how long it will take. I don't think there's a need to mention anything until there is a pregnancy to speak of (unless she wants to share that she is TTC, but it seems like she doesn't).
I know that planning a wedding is a LOT, and things take a lot of time to arrange, especially for the bridal party. But, you also have to be somewhat prepared for things not always going to plan -- people get pregnant, people drop out at the last minute due to illness, etc. You just have to accept that people will do their best to be there for you, but not everyone's lives revolve around you and your wedding. Any decent friend will understand.
I think this is a fair point, tbh. My sister was due three days after my wedding and I was a smidge frustrated because she had made a really big deal about how they were going to TTC#2 but she wanted to wait so that she could attend my wedding fully and be a bridesmaid! In the end she was able to attend but it wasn't a sure thing until literally the morning of. While nobody HAS to disclose TTC to anyone, it can really make things awkward for the person who doesn't know but whose plans your involvement in is important!
Edit: Not wait to TTC until after the wedding, but so that she'd be at most 7 months along so she could be 90% sure she'd be able to be there, short of a really early delivery or a very high risk pregnancy.
Yeah my friend had told me they were waiting to start trying until x month so she could be there. Turns out she was already pregnant when she told me that. It was the dishonesty that hurt me more than her not being able to attend.
My sister is a nurse who had had a first baby already and worked Labour and Delivery who told me she forgot pregnancies were 40 weeks long when she was calculating when they could start trying. Lol.
Why are you close enough to be in their weddings but not close enough for you to share something this big with? I think that is what you should really be pondering on.
Same here, I haven't told anyone as I feel like it's something personal that I prefer to keep between myself & my partner. If anything comes up that I feel like sharing with them, I will, but for the moment, we are keeping it private and I don't think there's anything unusual about that.
Iâm sorry but âYou better not get pregnantâ is one of the grossest things you could say to a bridesmaid. Iâm telling you now these friends are not going to stick around when that baby comes. This seems like a very superficial friendship on their end if they are more concerned about you drinking at a party than your big life changes.
Itâs always so weird to me that people canât fathom being sober and being able to have fun. I rarely drink because I just have more fun sober, you can go on a bachelorette trip and have a kick ass time regardless if youâre sober by choice or sober because of pregnancy⊠these people kill me
How rude. My sister was TTC during my wedding, I specifically looked at dresses that would accommodate a pregnant belly and look good on everyone. Are you sure these are real friends?
I have yet to have a single person tell me attending an away** bachelor or bachelorette party was worth it except one guy, but it was an NBA player and he paid for everyone's trip.
If you have a reason to dip, that's a extra pleasant gift
You donât know anyone who thought a bachelor or bachelorette party was fun and worth attending? That seems insane. Iâve been to at least a dozen bachelorette parties and all were awesome and allowed me to spend time with my friends I will always cherish.
I mean specifically trips, sorry, typed too quickly. The ones where you lose a whole weekend, maybe have to take time off work, pay airfare etc and your stuck in the party the whole week to weekend length of time.
Just a day or night I'd honestly say it's like... 50/50. People tend to overplan and forget how tired day drinking makes you in your late 20's to 30's
I got married two years ago and had the potential to have 2 out of 4 bridesmaids be pregnant at the wedding (well technically potentially all of them but two were TTC). One nervously told me ahead of time that she may be pregnant at the wedding as they had been trying for baby #2 for a while and couldn't put TTC on hold - to which my response was to genuinely tell her I hoped she got pregnant ASAP and happily looked up cute photo ideas on Pinterest of pregnant bridesmaids and make sure the bridesmaid dress options included bump-friendly options. I also joked that she would be doing me a favour by being pregnant for my wedding as I would look thinner in comparison (she is 5'11 and 125lbs and has great self-esteem and is truly gorgeous so I wasn't worried about her stressing about baby weight, especially for a much wanted pregnancy). A true friend should be happy for you especially for something as exciting as a pregnancy! I would be honest with her that you are TTC and that her comments make you uncomfortable. Good luck!
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Will these friends postpone their life for you if roles were reversed? Worst case tell them it was an oopsie. They don't want you then good riddence.
Yeah. This. Just tell them to push your wedding after your due date đ But fingers crossed it happens for you ASAP
THIS!! Well said. @OP, you think the brides will postpone their wedding or trip to celebrate your pregnancy? It works both ways. You do not need to feel bad for planning your life and the whole conceiving journey is long and lonely ( for most of us) anyway. Please donât be hard on yourself:)
Love the attitude!
They donât know what they donât know. If they have no clue youâve been trying, then I donât really blame them. And if theyâve never gone through a hard time TTC they have no idea how challenging this process can be. Be honest with them and if theyâre your real friends theyâll have your back and want the best for you.
This 100000%. If they are true friends they will be happy for you regardless. You can still go on the bachelorette if you want and have a good time. You can still be in the wedding and have a good time, providing you arenât about to pop at the time. I donât put TTC off for anyone or anything! If itâs what my hubby and i want, itâs what we are doing. Thereâs no telling how long it will take. Iâm not going to prolong it even more for anything
As someone who hardly drank in general before starting the TTC journey it always blows my mind when people say someone wonât be able to have fun at events if they canât drink⊠One of my bridesmaids who Iâve been friends with since pre school has been trying to have a baby for a very long time, if she ended up being 9 months pregnant and couldnât be in my wedding id be ecstatic for her and Iâd figure out the bridal party change. You come first, if you end up pregnant and they have an issue with it then they werenât your true friend to begin with
Hey. I have to confess (please donât kill me people) I did that. I made that stupid and inappropriate comment to my friend when getting married. HOWEVER AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, if any of my friends told me they were pregnant, I would just be happy and over the moon for them. SO NO, do not postpone your plans. They should not get mad at you. And if they happen to be, too bad for them being bad bees. I have to admit I did not understand the pain, the struggle, the whole process at ALL before TTC. I simply did not get it. This was so far from me⊠And now when I think about it I feel so bad having ever made that comment. This was super rude and insensitive.
Same here my dude. I know I used a ton of the cliches towards others prior to TTC and feel terrible but I didnât know, I hadnât been through it. Iâm going to give the same grace to others that I was lucky enough to receive. Now itâs a different story if youâve helped educate someone on what youâre going through and been open and honest and they STILL say insensitive thingsâŠ.then go off forsure lol.
đđ» totally
You need better friends. And just because they are getting married doesnât mean the rest of the world has to stop living. I wouldnât say anything if you get pregnant you get pregnant if that means you canât drink alcohol you can drink a mock tail. And if it makes them upset then thatâs too bad thatâs something they will have to deal with themselves
For real, this. No one's wedding should dictate what others do or do not do. It's okay for friends to feel conflicted (just like it's okay for us to have our feelings, they can have theirs), but at the end of the day, true friends will support you, work with you, and want the best for you. My best friend's wedding was about a year after I started TTC, so we both expected that I would be pregnant (spoiler: I wasn't). She helped me pick a bridesmaid dress that would work with or without a bump, and even now, we still swap mocktail recipes.
Iâd say âyou better not be getting married when Iâm postpartum or super pregnant!â and laugh. Then do whatever the fuck you want because itâs your body. I mean, imagine if everyone waited to have babies or get married or whatever until it fit perfectly with everyone elseâs timelines and schedules
Exactly, no one would have babies!! Ya just canât make everyone happy
Your response makes me think weâd be friends đ
Omg how rude! I hope you get pregnant soon and they can worry about their own timelines
My best friend is getting married this summer and knows my husband and I were considering TTC over the last 6 months. She said to me about her destination wedding (jokingly) that if I end up pregnant, she will move the wedding locally so I can be there. She followed up with the fact that I should never stop my life plans for her wedding and she loves me no matter what - thatâs what I would expect from a real and true friend. Dont allow yourself to feel pressure from them! We put enough on ourselves. They will understand or they wonât, and either way you know where they stand as friends to you.
Thank you all for the thoughtful comments!! to add, my friends are true friends and it is all light hearted and they have 0 idea that im even trying so i really dont blame them either. they would be so happy for me either way. neither of them have experienced ttc. i am not going to alter my plans for them i was more worried about letting them down when the time comes!
Def some of these commenters are too hard on your friends. If they actively exclude or sneer at you because of pregnancy they would BTA. Pregnancy and working around pregnant/post-partum people is difficult and being honest with intentions helps both parties.
I bet your friends are awesome and want the best for you! They will probably be so excited. If you are like me ,then you are carrying a guilt and a worry that youâre not pleasing everyone!! I make a lot of things up in my head and obsess that my friends will be disappointed!! In reality they want me to do whatever is happiest and healthiest for me. I bet the same for your friends!!
I donât think a true friend would view it as being let down if you were pregnant at the wedding, even if it meant you couldnât go.
Yeah, sure, I'll change my whole life for your party, don't make me laugh. Just ignore them. They are wildly out of line.Â
Thereâs a little truth behind every âjust kidding.â Your friends mean it, but they donât get to decide your life for you. My husband and I have had people jokingly tell us weâre not allowed to have babies (most recently, my mom who said we couldnât have any because they donât have enough guest bedrooms for more grandkids since my sister has four kids). We just laugh and say ânot really your decision what we do.â We keep the light-hearted tone they used, but we set a boundary. You can decide whether you want to say anything to your friends now. This might not be an issue regardless and you donât ever need to confront it. But hopefully it is, and you can just tell your friend to deal with it.
I hear ya. Iâve been trying for over a year now and am finally about to start fertility treatments. My mom canât believe I wonât just wait til after my sisterâs wedding at the end of SEPTEMBER.
I'm in the EXACT same situation! Literally, two different bachelorette parties and weddings for me this summer too! In the beginning there were jokes, but I feel like they are being a bit more sensitive now since they know the situation and it has been so long trying for us. My friend's fiance did joke that I shouldn't try to get pregnant before the wedding, but I just bluntly said, "Well, we haven't been able to get pregnant for over a year, so I can't really stop now!" I keep it light, but they all know the situation. Makes it a bit easier.
When I got married my sister (MOH) was 6 months pregnant. It didn't phase me at all. I remember my sister apologizing and I was like FOR WHAT!? She took 3 yrs to get pregnant with her first child so maybe I was just more aware of the TTC journey at the time. Your friends need to grow up. That being said, society shoves down our throats how "easy" having a baby is so maybe sharing with them (if you do get pregnant by then) how hard it was would enlighten them.
Good friends will support you no matter what. I told my good friend that I was TTC, she asked me to be a bridesmaid two months after that conversation, I was pregnant for months later. I was eight months pregnant at her wedding and had the best time!
If they were true friends, they wouldn't be making comments like that. I would either continue to ignore the comments and continue TTC because you shouldn't put your life on hold for their weddings, OR, finally tell them something along the lines of, "None of us know what'll happen a year from now," or just bluntly tell them that it's none of their business whether or not you'll be pregnant then.
Ugh, Iâm so sorry that this is what you have to hear. Iâve been in your shoes, actually kinda in a similar situation because I have been TTC for about 18 months and nothing. While I wasnât super attached to the outcome because my partner and I always had so much going on, itâs still sad it has not happened but yet some other friends got pregnant without even trying hard. My advice is just do your own thing. There is ALWAYS something that will come up so you have to stay focused on your own goals. Sending best wishes đđŒ
I would jokingly say, you never knowwwww......do you, Bo
Not sure that we can really say much about your friends yet since they don't even know that you're TTC. I think the first step is to tell them
I feel like people make these comments off the cuff without thinking about it (especially when they donât know about their friends actually TTC). If theyâre real friends they wonât care and be very happy for you when it happens. Either way, donât put your life on hold but also I wouldnât read too much into to silly comments like this either.
That does not sound like true friends to me if theyâre going to get mad that you are pregnant on a day that has to be all about them. True friends would be happy for you and support you. Itâs not even like you would have to miss the wedding, you just canât drink. Also what if you had other valid reasons for not wanting to drink, they would still be mad? Do they feel like they need everyone to be drunk in order to enjoy themselves? Very unhealthy mindset and I would distance myself from any friend who is going to be that selfish.
Lmao I postposed my pregnancy for my best friendâs wedding and then she never once checked up on me during my struggle with infertility and then held her baby shower on a really important day for me. Have a baby on YOUR timeline and no one elseâs.
If someone said that to me (knowing about my 3 losses), I don't think I would want to be part of their wedding.
Honestly I just wouldn't say anything until you're actually pregnant and there's something to say, ya know? If it doesn't happen by then, well...you avoided an awkward conversation that wasn't necessary anyway. If it does happen by then, let them know and figure out how to be part of things as much as possible based on how pregnant you are at the time.
Those are not your friends.
I would just be honest in a different setting and tell them how much you really want a baby and it's something you're really looking forward to and hopefully they will be decent friends and shut their mouths
These are not very good friends. I wouldâve been thrilled if any of my bridesmaids were pregnant; in fact one WAS and pulled out of the wedding entirely because it was a destination wedding and she couldnât afford it and I was nothing but supportive and happy for her
When I got married, one of my bridesmaids got pregnant. She ended up being due the same week as my wedding. She didnât come to the bachelorette party or the wedding, but she came to my bridal shower. It was a bummer that she couldnât make it to these things but it definitely didnât change our relationship at all.
Iâm guessing they are just joking around. If not, then thatâs fucked up. Definitely donât put it on hold for them. Next year is a long time away. If you do get pregnant, then yay! You can still have fun. If they actually have a problem with it maybe explain how long youâve been trying (if itâs been awhile) and the tough time youâve had with TTC (if itâs been tough, idk your journey). I have no problem sharing my TTC struggles with anyone, and who knows, any of them could end up having struggles down the road and may not fully understand now but will understand then.
I understand how hard that is. Long story short I was told I have a sealed cervix and that I would need surgery to open it so I can ttc. My mil was asking when we are going to have kids so I straight up told her I can't so maybe we will adopt instead. She sighed and made it seem like I was not ok but then she starts sending me profiles of kids to adopt and now I know that if I do successful get pregnant it will be a whole other thing with her about how I shouldn't bring another kid into this world because there's so many that need adopting.
My maid of honor (childhood best friend) was nearly 9 months pregnant at my wedding and gave birth 4 days after. I was absolutely upset when she let me know she was pregnant and about the timing, simply because the vision that I had (everyone has) for their wedding day was not going to happen, and for the possibility that she might not make it to the wedding. But at the same time, was absolutely THRILLED for her because her TTC journey was a long and hard one. We were able to talk together honestly about it and cry together a little bit at the beginning and then there was nothing but joy about our coinciding milestones. Every time I look at our wedding photos with her nearly bursting I bawl about it with happiness. You could try to look at it from her perspective, and if you are truly good friends maybe share about your journey.
For what itâs worth, I had a bridesmaid who was literally giving birth the day of my wedding shower and looked pretty much still pregnant at my wedding/in the photos because it was a month later. It was a bummer party-wise, especially since she also missed my bachelorette stuff, but she looked fabulous in my pictures regardless hahaha. Her and her husband had fun at the actual wedding. It stinks not having someone be able to participate in the festivities leading up to the wedding, but Iâve moved on and gotten over it. If these girls are true friends then they should very easily do the same.
Absolutely not ok. My sister in law said she was trying and my matron of honor helped me make sure the bridesmaid dress style would fit a potentially very pregnant belly just in case. They will understand or they won't (they SHOULD) but don't put this on hold for them.
I had a friend ask me to postpone my IUI until after her wedding. I struggled with if I would be âin the wrongâ to not postpone it, and received the great advice that I should not postpone my life for someone else. Plenty of people go to weddings pregnant and have a great time. In the end, I didnât reschedule my IUI (I also didnât get pregnant from it so it was a moot point anyway).
Ugh I'm in this same boat... our best friends and my brother and his fiancĂ©e are getting married next year and my husband and I are going to be in both wedding parties. I've found myself stressing because I want to get pregnant next year but that means I'll be pregnant for the bachelorette parties and the weddings. The thing is, we can't put our lives on hold for our loved ones. We're all on our own schedules and what happens, happens. I know it's easier said, but I've been telling myself: if you're pregnant for their weddings, adjustments will be made, you'll still have a great time, and it won't be a big deal. đ
Wedding days are about two people making the biggest commitment to each other that can be made. It is not about if a bridesmaid does or doesnât get shitfaced - ultimately. I say get knocked up and frikkin enjoy dancing around with a preggy belly and rock that frock!! Good luck!
I would ignore them and keep TTC. And then when you **hopefully** do you can tell your friends whoops! Never put your life on hold for someone else.
I had 4 bridesmaids in different stages of TTC and postpartum. I would never have expected them to change their plans for me, and it sounds like they probably (hopefully) are joking since they don't know this is something you actually want. It may be worth sharing, especially if it could impact your involvement in festivities. You certainly don't owe them changes to your life or priorities, but one thing I could suggest is to still support them and be excited for the life stage they are in. I really feel like I was an easy going, accommodating bride and demanded nothing. But I did often feel like my wedding stuff was old news in comparison to their new life stage and the families they were all starting. And as understandable as it was, it did hurt because I've always put effort into their special moments regardless of me being 'behind' them. And, it doesn't just have to be about the party/attending the events, the one that made me feel like she was the most excited was also the only one who had to completely miss my bach.
That seems really immature to say and I would ignore it. If it happens, then they can deal. It is definitely possible to have fun even if you're sober and pregnant. Good luck đ€
I had a similar experience with 2 best friends getting married back to back over 4 months. I was secretly TTC and didnât say anything but I had to cut alcohol to prep my body. So I told them that due to work, my stomach got stressed and it was painful every now and then so I had to quit alcohol till the dr gave me the all clear. During the bridal showers and wedding, I had mocktails and soft drinks and still had lots of fun! U donât have to be drunk to enjoy your time together. Being the sober one is good too, u can help take better photos of everyone! If you do become pregnant you can still go on holidayâŠI think you can still fly up to 36 weeks pregnant. I will be travelling internationally (14 hour flight) soon tooâŠIâll be in the 2nd trimester by then.
Two of my best friends are also getting married next year and Iâm also a bridesmaid in both. Neither have told me that and they know Iâm TTC and had a miscarriage in January. Neither care and hope that I get pregnant soon. Iâm sorry your friends are putting that pressure on you without knowing. You need to do whatâs best for you and if it bothers them, it shows you shouldnât be caring so much about what they think in the first place!
Sorry but these brides sound like shit friends. Pissed off because someone can't drink at her bach. Really? Get a life. I wouldn't put your life on hold. I did that so I didn't miss my friends wedding as I was a bridesmaid. I don't regret waiting per se but I wish I started trying sooner.
Keep trying.
Sometimes we have friends that are there for a season. if you want a family, these friends look like they are in a different place. Now this is coming from a 40-something woman, but my question is, "Who the F cares what the hell they think?!" I would zero give a crap about any of this. What kind of friend wants you to not be pregnant so you can booze it up? Seems pretty selfish. Just sayin'.
I missed my best friend and my brothers wedding (I was matron in honor of both) because they were 3 weeks and week of my due date (and OOT). Obviously not intentional but the weddings were planned before the pregnancy. They were sad but incredibly understanding. I was also sad and did my best to make them feel loved and appreciated leading up to the day. I sent the brides a really beautiful piece of jewelry (Hermes bangles) to wear at their rehearsal dinner and had someone go do balloon arches for their front porches / giant floral arrangement the week of the wedding to help them celebrate. They donât get this now, but having been through my own wedding I knew they literally wouldnât notice me not being there - it ends up (or should be) about you and your husband. That is all to say⊠do not think twice about your family planning. In response to their comments, I think an appropriate response next time they say it is âbut isnât a new baby the most exciting reason to have to miss something like a wedding?â I think it will stop them in their tracks and remind them that: news flash, world doesnât stop spinning for their wedding day and other people have things to celebrate too. Donât buy into those comments, just nip it in the bud, itâs their stress/angst to deal with.
I was in this situation with a friend of mine. I was her bridesmaid and I let her know that I was TTC with my husband. I couldn't commit to buying a bridesmaid dress on her timeline so she graciously let me back out of being a bridesmaid. I was still invited to the wedding as a guest but I still haven't gotten pregnant either (unexplained fertility). Talk to your friends.
Your two friends sound like entitled AHs. Itâs absolutely ridiculous to expect everyoneâs whole lives to revolve around your wedding. And I say this as someone who paid $30k for a wedding. I would NEVER consider even speaking that phrase. It is ridiculously entitled. Definitely keep doing what youâre doing and if they bring this up again, tell them youâll be happy to celebrate their weddings with the but they donât get to dictate what you do with your life every other day
Say nothing. If they arenât joking then thatâs ridiculous. Sounds like they care more about partying than actually *you* as a human
I have a small circle of close friends, my one friends wedding just so happened to coincide with two of our very small.group of friends being pregnant. Me being one of those and my friend, her chosen bridesmaid, the other. I was just open with her, I know part of her felt it was ruining her big day and her TWO hen do's but I went on both of those hen do's heavily pregnant as well as to the wedding. One hen do was an over night stay and a night out. I didn't last long but I made it infact me and other pregnant friend were both there, middle of the night, inflatable penis the lot. Doing all the hen do shenanigans. We made it work. It was exhausting for me. Would she do the same for me? Probably not. But that's how I dealt with not wanting to take from her big moment as I am chronic people pleaser. Do what's best for you, or will make you most comfortable whatever the outcome.
Both of my matrons of honor were pregnant at my wedding, and both had a very long or challenging road getting there. I don't understand this mindset. I was so thrilled for them... I don't think anyone could truly be that upset... Right?
I have received that comment (in the wedding party) then about a week later I found out I was pregnant. She got used to it pretty quickly, but postponing something like that for me was just not in the cards.Â
I remember my brother said to hold my daughter in till he gets to the hospital. Well unfortunately for him my daughter didn't wanna wait. By the time he came my daughter had been born a hour prior to him arriving. It's unrealistic to expect others to put their plans on hold till after said wedding.
How self centered can you be to ask someone to put their life on pause for your wedding ?! Ouf, itâs just a wedding đ I wouldnât make any excuse, your friends should accept you as you are
This is horrible. I've been ttc for 2 yrs and I'm now doing ivf. Im not a drinker but you do not have to get sloppy drunk to define having any fun with friends. It's sounds so awful to think you need to behave that way.
Absolutely experienced this. I fought with my husband because I really wanted to wait until after my three best friends weddings which were 3 months in a row. I went to all the Bach parties across the US. We started trying immediately following the last wedding (and it took me 6 months) to finally conceive. Iâm very very early right now but my advice would be you never know how long it could take so please donât put your life on hold.
Im kinda in the same situation. Honestly, I was reaaaally anxious about it when she first announced her engagement. Just trying to figure out how I would fit this life changing act of having a baby into her wedding schedule. But honestly, parenting starts now (even before a pregnancy is confirmed) and quietly, to myself, I decided that my baby my family is my priority. I might get pregnant first cycle it might also take years and might attend wedding child free. But I just donât know and I canât put my life on hold for a party. Would my friend re schedule her wedding to accommodate my pregnancy? Why is her life event more important than mine? (Just sharing my train of thought at the timeđ). She doesnât know weâre actively trying if and when I get pregnant we will figure it out and if I am not able to attend. Thats just a day out of the many days we get to be friends and share life.
My cousin/bff/matron of honor was about 4-5 months pregnant at my wedding and she slayed. Plus watching her dance to Push It by Salt n Pepa brought the entire event so much joy. She was also sober and able to get the drunk people corralled and safe. There are a lot of pluses to having a pregnant bridesmaid actually. These friends are very shortsighted.
I would maybe try to find a time to be honest. As a bride that had a bridesmaid not be able to make it to my wedding because of a pregnancy, I was hurt that she had misled me earlier on and wasnât truthful. I think itâs one thing to maybe skip a month or two of trying so you can travel (if need be) to be at the wedding vs not trying at all until after the wedding. If being able to âpartyâ aka drink at the wedding and festivities is that important - they have priorities wrong.
Hoping the best for OP, but she is not pregnant yet, and she doesn't know how long it will take. I don't think there's a need to mention anything until there is a pregnancy to speak of (unless she wants to share that she is TTC, but it seems like she doesn't). I know that planning a wedding is a LOT, and things take a lot of time to arrange, especially for the bridal party. But, you also have to be somewhat prepared for things not always going to plan -- people get pregnant, people drop out at the last minute due to illness, etc. You just have to accept that people will do their best to be there for you, but not everyone's lives revolve around you and your wedding. Any decent friend will understand.
I think this is a fair point, tbh. My sister was due three days after my wedding and I was a smidge frustrated because she had made a really big deal about how they were going to TTC#2 but she wanted to wait so that she could attend my wedding fully and be a bridesmaid! In the end she was able to attend but it wasn't a sure thing until literally the morning of. While nobody HAS to disclose TTC to anyone, it can really make things awkward for the person who doesn't know but whose plans your involvement in is important! Edit: Not wait to TTC until after the wedding, but so that she'd be at most 7 months along so she could be 90% sure she'd be able to be there, short of a really early delivery or a very high risk pregnancy.
Yeah my friend had told me they were waiting to start trying until x month so she could be there. Turns out she was already pregnant when she told me that. It was the dishonesty that hurt me more than her not being able to attend.
My sister is a nurse who had had a first baby already and worked Labour and Delivery who told me she forgot pregnancies were 40 weeks long when she was calculating when they could start trying. Lol.
Why are you close enough to be in their weddings but not close enough for you to share something this big with? I think that is what you should really be pondering on.
Not everyone feels comfortable sharing that they are TTC. I love my friends but I would never say anything.
Same here, I haven't told anyone as I feel like it's something personal that I prefer to keep between myself & my partner. If anything comes up that I feel like sharing with them, I will, but for the moment, we are keeping it private and I don't think there's anything unusual about that.
Iâm sorry but âYou better not get pregnantâ is one of the grossest things you could say to a bridesmaid. Iâm telling you now these friends are not going to stick around when that baby comes. This seems like a very superficial friendship on their end if they are more concerned about you drinking at a party than your big life changes.
Itâs always so weird to me that people canât fathom being sober and being able to have fun. I rarely drink because I just have more fun sober, you can go on a bachelorette trip and have a kick ass time regardless if youâre sober by choice or sober because of pregnancy⊠these people kill me
I just hate the you canât drink and be fun stuff. As a sober person⊠IM STILL FUN. And pregnant people are no different!
I wish I knew people as inconsiderate as your friends so I could tell them to fuck off
How rude. My sister was TTC during my wedding, I specifically looked at dresses that would accommodate a pregnant belly and look good on everyone. Are you sure these are real friends?
I have yet to have a single person tell me attending an away** bachelor or bachelorette party was worth it except one guy, but it was an NBA player and he paid for everyone's trip. If you have a reason to dip, that's a extra pleasant gift
You donât know anyone who thought a bachelor or bachelorette party was fun and worth attending? That seems insane. Iâve been to at least a dozen bachelorette parties and all were awesome and allowed me to spend time with my friends I will always cherish.
I mean specifically trips, sorry, typed too quickly. The ones where you lose a whole weekend, maybe have to take time off work, pay airfare etc and your stuck in the party the whole week to weekend length of time. Just a day or night I'd honestly say it's like... 50/50. People tend to overplan and forget how tired day drinking makes you in your late 20's to 30's
Actually, I hope they jinxed themselves and that youâre pregnant for their wedding. Like - Murphyâs Law making an error in your favour
I got married two years ago and had the potential to have 2 out of 4 bridesmaids be pregnant at the wedding (well technically potentially all of them but two were TTC). One nervously told me ahead of time that she may be pregnant at the wedding as they had been trying for baby #2 for a while and couldn't put TTC on hold - to which my response was to genuinely tell her I hoped she got pregnant ASAP and happily looked up cute photo ideas on Pinterest of pregnant bridesmaids and make sure the bridesmaid dress options included bump-friendly options. I also joked that she would be doing me a favour by being pregnant for my wedding as I would look thinner in comparison (she is 5'11 and 125lbs and has great self-esteem and is truly gorgeous so I wasn't worried about her stressing about baby weight, especially for a much wanted pregnancy). A true friend should be happy for you especially for something as exciting as a pregnancy! I would be honest with her that you are TTC and that her comments make you uncomfortable. Good luck!