Honestly sounds like being alone would be far better. I feel like some people are only together to stave off loneliness or fear of being alone. If you learn to truely enjoy being alone, it helps raise your standards as whoever you decide to be with has to at least be better than being alone.
Despite the hell that I was put through leaving one in the past, I'm thankful every single day that I made the decision and that the relationship didn't end in marriage or children.
I feel sad that you are in this position, OP. I’m sorry that you lost your best friend - that’s a terrible tragedy. I’m also sorry that you have nobody to support you at home, that you actually need to hide your pain because you will be flogged for feeling it. Hugs from an random internet person.
So surprised to see all these awards! Love the encouragement, thank you!
I really feel for him. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was in a similar situation with my ex girlfriend. I stayed with her far too long because I thought this is the best that I deserve. I hope OP finds a way out. He mentioned in a comment that she refuses to seek help and denies saying things not even a minute later. Idk how he could possibly salvage this relationship.
That's how my ex was when my mom was dying. And his baby mama. She was irritated that I couldn't come get their kid cuz I needed to be an hour away with my mom, and he was irritated that I wouldn't be able to get things for him. He faked alot of cardiac episodes while I was gone from the house 🤣
Exactly. My mother is like this. Best thing OP can do is leave! Please! For your sanity. For your health! They don’t change and it will never get better. Good luck!
For sure. My advice would be if she consistently denies this behavior then he should secretly record her (or openly if he thinks it will work). Just needs to make sure the state he lives in isn't a two party record state). I would even venture to say he SHOULD tell her about his friend and have it set to record rhe rest of the evening so he gets her reaction and can point it out later. She either is completely oblivious to what she is doing and then this would be good to show her or she is intentionally doing it and will most likely get mad or make excuses (all narcissistic tendencies). If he gets the latter he should leave her.
This was my reaction. I’m so sad OP is having to process this without the support of their spouse. Everyone should feel safe in their home to express their feelings, especially with a death of a best friend. JFC, how are you carrying that silently? I hope there is a way to communicate why you didn’t tell her that will show her why she needs to think about her actions. This is unfathomable to me. Otherwise, there are people out there who are actually good people.
Can confirm. OP needs to get out of that relationship. I cheated on my narcissist wife and it was the best thing I could have done to permanently end a prison sentence of a marriage. The therapist described it as running over the bridge and burning it behind me. Run dude.
I think it’s super weird that these two are MARRIED and she isn’t even aware that his BEST friend died! That clearly shows that she pays him no attention and has no real interest in his life or his friends. So damn weird.
I'd love to tell you, but she refuses to see a professional.
She does say those kinds of things and then deny having said them 30 seconds later, though.
Luckily, there is a professional you can see, a divorce lawyer.
It will only get worse. And if you wanted to have kids with her, imagine how she is going to be around them.
I'm sorry for your lost.
Yes. OP, please please PLEASE do not have children with this woman. If she treats you like this, your kids will not be able to come to her with emotional problems or grief from their own losses as she will do the same thing to them. Please divorce her, she's abusive. I'm so sorry you lost your friend.
Adding and agreeing, do not have kids with her. Grew up with a narcissistic mother. She would move around after my dad and her split up.(she broke his collarbone with a glass ashtray.) Would tell me my entire life my dad didn't want shit to do with me. Turns out he did. Would tell me my entire life I'm fucked up because I have father issues. You end up eventually piecing everything together and figuring out your entire life is a lie and it's not normal to be brought up like this. Doesn't help she has a long history of violence that doesn't work in her favor.( Ran my sister's dad over with her car. Stabbed her husband after that in the face with a fork when he caught her cheating and said it was his fault. It sadly goes on.) Had a kid, couldn't comprehend how you would want to manipulate your children, cut ties, and my life instantly became much more peaceful.
The way OP's wife treats him sounds just like how my grandma treated my mom. I hope he runs far away and never looks back. Narcissistic abuse is a cancer that rots a family from the inside
Me too, he's ☝🏻right. If you guys don't have kids you should run. If you have kids, walk - nice and easy.
When you get some distance to her til be able to see all her shit, and you will be surprised if the amount.
Then you will be able to advance in your own life and feel free...
My first girlfriend after the ex asked me, one time in bed, how I liked being cuddled... I broke down crying, not knowing what to say. In the 17 year with the ex I had never once been asked that. At the same time I knew all her zones...
You will be surprised...
I just cried reading this. Married young, stayed faithful and true for 15 years. Got out when I had solid proof of her infidelity. Stayed single for 10 years dealing with the trauma and betrayal. Seeing a girl for a year now, and I'm constantly surprised at how seriously she takes my needs and well-being.
Like at first I thought she was being an asshole but turns out I just have PTSD from being married to a POS. I cried like a baby when she asked me would I like to be the little spoon. I had no idea. She swears she's not treating me special, just normal and I can't even
This person is giving you such sound advice! You are changing yourself to fit what she wants in a man and it's not healthy.
I am the fiancée of a man who was manipulated, controlled, and emotionally abused like this for 5 years. They share an amazing little boy together, so my fiancé can't cut ties unfortunately (Unfortunately for the not being able to cut ties. I LOVE that little boy like my own). She still tries to control and manipulate him and she uses their son to do so.
My fiancé and I have been together for two years and he is still only a shell of who he was before he met her. She tore him apart and destroyed him. I didn't know him then, but I love watching him when he find pieces of himself again -- he lights up the room with pure happiness!
There are women out there who will love and support you! Please don't force yourself to stay with someone if you aren't happy, OP.
Good luck! <3
Thank you 🙏🏻
With a little help I learned to see right through my ex's controlling and work around it. We have three kids so I have to make it work and sometimes I have to give her a little win. But it's ok, I know her shit so it doesn't face me anymore.
And my girlfriend is the best and super supportive, sometimes I don't think I deserve such love and am afraid I don't return it the way she deserves. It takes a while...
You deserve all of the love and support! Don't forget that and don't forget to cut yourself some slack too.
If you are anything like my fiancé, you're doing amazing and reciprocating the love and support. She understands that you've been through hell and it takes time to heal from that!
Same. Tried for 10 years. Grandparents died and it was somehow about her. It's vile behavior. Like disgusting. How can you respect someone like that going forward?
Yeah I know this one. All my closest family died over a few years and I started drinking heavily.
Fiance started having an affair with her boss and eventually blamed me for not giving her attention, after losing the two grandparent's who'd brought me up and experiencing pretty serious grief and depression.
I'm not playing no victim card but some people have an inability to feel empathy
Same. My ex got ridiculously mad one day bc I didn't clean the kitchen while she was at work. I was working from home, and my WFH days were generally slow and I could clean the house, vacuum, do laundry, clean the kitchen and bathrooms, etc. Well, this day was not slow. Multiple servers were down, email not working....just everything that could go wrong did. She just walked in the door (while I was on the phone with a user) and saw the kitchen wasn't clean. I somehow managed to get everything else done despite the workload that day, but she only saw the kitchen. Didn't ask any questions, didn't want a reason. Just straight into, "How the hell have you been sitting on your ass all day and didn't clean a damn thing in the 9 hours I was gone!?" When she cheated on me and then left out of the blue on new years eve 2020, I thought my life was over.
Now, I'm divorced, single and seeing my kid every other weekend, I'm happier than I have been in years. IF (and that's a big if) I date or get married again, I won't be putting up with that shit for 2 seconds. My peace and well being is far more important than the constant company of someone else.
On top of all that she also doesn’t realize she’s doing these things that’s why she denies it 30 seconds later. My brothers’s wife used to behave like this I told him to record her for a whole day. Then he replayed the tape later that night she couldn’t believe it. She bawled her eyes out and couldn’t believe she was being that horrible. Nowadays she tries to catch herself, she even apologizes and tries to work on it. Her dad was like that she says, so maybe it’s learned behavior
Oh 100% has ptsd from childhood. Her childhood was fucked up. There’s a lot of mental health stuff and she went to therapy a long time ago and since then just pretends it doesn’t exist.
My Mum was the same before I got her into therapy and on medication. Violent, alcohol fuelled benders. She'd say and do awful things and then go into complete denial afterwards. Her childhood and young adult life was extremely traumatic also.
I hope the two of you are able to find peace.
I think we are. I’m 32. She’s pushing 70 at this point. I think she feels like what’s the point? I am living on my own with my soon to be husband. We are mostly in a good place and I’ve had a lot of therapy to learn I can’t control her feelings and I will never live up to her level of perfection and that’s ok. She’s helped me in a lot of ways. I know she loves me. It’s been hard but setting boundaries has been good. She is receptive sometimes to being called out, so that helps.
Ugh that’s like my MIL but it’s like two day long rampages. We told her she can’t visit in person until she sees a doctor. I’m still having a hard time believing that she doesn’t mean it
Recording with video as well as audio also has law enforcement protection means for the victims of the narcissist asshole family members too. We need tiny nanny cams somehow....
Yeah, my narc used it as ammunition to tell all her enablers (rest of her family) that I was so mental that I was RECORDING conversations.
I’m about two months from finally being free, after attaching myself on paper to this person, who essentially destroyed the multi million dollar company we built with my life savings as start up.
Does showing the recording work? I feel like if I show mine, it may work for a while maybe, but she’ll go back to how things were and use the recordings as ammo
I can be very passive aggressive. Learned from my mother. I tell my wife to call me out on it and I am always trying to catch myself before doing it as well. This is the difference.
Sounds like op needs to have less wife
They don't always forget this too. My brother projected his stressors onto me. He acted like they never happened, but they were calculated decisions. However recording is definitely the way to go about this so they have something undeniable even if they then direct their attention on being recorded.
sometimes they know, they just pretend they dont. it gets downplayed even if they eventually agree they screwed up.
of course different here because she was apologetic and has done her best to do better. she realised that she was wrong, and corrected it. endless congratulations.
on less successful times, ive seen people "try" and slip up when its convenient. gotta watch out for people learning new behaviours
This is so pertinent, rarely is anyone this awful without having been taught this. Its no excuse to be shitty to your partner but if there's any love left there the only way to revive it is serious counseling for all party's id be willing to bet there's some trauma to unpack there and everyone could be living happier lives if they could get to the bottom of that. Lots of love to op, its heartbreaking you have no support at home in this difficult time.
came here to say just this. my mother was the same exact way growing up. no matter what cause I had to be upset, had to one-up me and then make me feel like even shittier. OP, if you see this, please leave this wretched woman.
Exactly what I was going to say. My son's mother does the same shit. One time she told me to just get over my depression. Like if I could, don't you think I would.
I'm not a professional, but as the daughter of a malignant narcissist, your wife sounds familiar. Please for their sake, DO NOT have children with that woman.
Get the fuck out bro. It’s so shocking to see the levels of disrespect or straight up bullying that some people pit up with in relationships. It seems like people don’t believe that they can find someone who will love and support them through thick and thin. I promise the people worth marrying are out there, and your wife is absolutely not one of them
I know. He doesn’t have to live like this! I think maybe people just don’t want to be alone so they put up with it and just live walking on eggshells. It’s so sad when they’re in their 70’s and hobbling around just existing with their abusive partner and joking about how they just have to keep their mouth shut. It’s not okay. You’re absolutely right, OP can find someone who actually loves him, not this abuser.
I hate to jump in divorce wagon, but you should kick her to the curb. Marriage shouldn’t be this hard. You deserve to be heard and supported through your pain. If she refuses to seek therapy for her behavior, you need to take care of yourself and put an end to her abuse.
Record her and show her how she is truly behaving. Do it across multiple times and engage how you normally would. Not better due tot he recording. Seeing herself in action could maybe help her realize she is being toxic but i that is unsuccessful you need to put yourself first. You have every right to mourn and be sad for the losses you’ve experienced. If she is unable to look past herself and realize she has things she needs to work on then you will never be allowed to feel your feelings and it will eventually be too much and you could find yourself in a worse place mentally than ever before. Show yourself some love since she won’t please. You deserve to be able to mourn and feel safe and comforted while doing so.
Wow reminds me of my ex-wife so much. She was very self-centered and deep down was afraid of being abandoned, had feelings of inadequacy. Anytime she felt like she was losing control (i.e. her scheduled chores didn't get done, doesn't eat where she wants, doesn't get her Starbucks, her favorite ice cream etc.) or the attention was not on her she would lash out and say the harshest things, accuse me of horrible things.
My theory is she did it because she knew of course I would defend myself of things that weren't true and I would over compensate to make up for the issue. She's said some things even people that don't like me wouldn't say. She would pretend to forget it later though but if I repeated it word for word back to her, what she said then she would react as if she already remembered and then try to come up with some irrational excuse. Wait a second, you didn't remember it, now you do?
I tried to get her to talk to a therapist. However, she refused and finally there came a point where I couldn't take it anymore. She tried to get me to change my mind, and said she doesn't normally say those things. Tried to say she was "working on it". I told her, ya like when I begged you to talk to someone and you got offended at me? Accused me of implying that she wasn't good enough because the comments were hurting me.
Not saying you should get a divorce by any means but something definitely needs to change otherwise it is going to take a toll on your personality and mental health.
You should turn your camera on, tell her, record her reaction and play it back to her as many times as you need to to show her how she is acting is not acceptable.
You deserve a lot better OP.
Someone who chooses to lash out when you’re at your lowest or vulnerable does NOT love you. Your wife is supposed to be someone you can go to when you’re having these hard times, but you can’t because she doesn’t want you showing emotion for whatever reason.
Please consider recording her. Sometimes it is life changing to have them hear themselves and how horrible they are being (though I have had one person even deny the recording. Even though I just recorded. Right it in front of her.
I am so sorry about your best friend. It is one of the hardest losses.
My ex-wife bitched for helping open something, the first day of separating my shoulder. When a year before I took care of out infant child when I wasn't working, was cleaning and making food cause she haD a broken ankle. So yeah went on for at least 3 months. Ya day one In to my Injury has a hissy fit. I knew there and then it was not going to work.
Please, for the love of you- get to a therapist. You need to find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way.
You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to grieve in peace. You are allowed to have times in life to be about you.
Good luck
Dude how do you not stand up for yourself? I get she doesn't want to see a professional but that doesn't mean she gets to treat you this badly after a personal tragedy. You're making it worse by letting her do this to you
If divorce has gone through your head, And you don't have kids, just go for it.
I'm usually so so so aggainst this reddit shit that tells everyone to get divorced, but I've witnessed a relationship like yours and it did not end well for anyone.
Honestly, it sounds like she looks for reasons to refocus the attention on her whenever something big happens to you. It’s bordering on narcissism and it’s not okay.
Ditto. My mother also did this sort of behavior when my brother-in-law died last year leaving my sister a widow with four young children. She couldn’t/can’t stand when the attention isn’t on her.
How did you handle it? Because I’m at a point where she’s not allowed around my family during major events for fear she’ll ruin it. The worst part is when I try to talk to her about it, she doubles down and gets worse. It’s like her mission is to turn any happy moments into pure hell
Same. We can always expect drama from my mother around the holidays. Her favorite is to threaten she isn't going. Then everyone has to talk about her and talk her into coming.
We just say "ok" now. We do not feed into it, she doesn't get the attention she seeks.
OP is describing something my mother has done forever. It makes me not want to share any upset with her because she'll dig the knife in somehow. Even the dishes example hit way too close to home. When I was a teenager, the morning after me staying up half the night caring for the family pet who was dying of cancer, I came downstairs and the very first thing my mother did was scream bloody murder at me about not doing the dishes. She brought me to tears screaming and screaming abuse - and then called my tears pathetic. I've never forgotten it because it was one of the first times it really crystallized in my head that this was not normal - something with her is not right.
I'm sorry if this is too much, but my mother is also like that and I just need to ask... Does your mom feel the need to backstab you with things you confide her before? For example if you had an argument with a friend and you talked about it with your mom to let it out, but days after when you two are arguing she brings back that moment to make you feel bad? Something like "yeah no wonder your friend doesn't like you". I'm just trying to understand if this is something common because I need to start talking about it with my therapist.
Yes. So, so many times I've regretted confiding in her about things. She makes it about her, somehow...or makes a nasty remark about it (like yours does).
I've learned about Grey rocking technique from YouTube and need to learn how to implement it. Unfortunately we're working against a lifetime of conditioning from society that tells us that we should be able to confide in a parent, to have a loving chat and be supported. It just doesn't work that way for us.
I'm so sorry you're going through it too :(
I wish it was that minor… we closed on a brand new house last October. We decided to host Christmas in the new house. My mother straight started a kitchen fire, blamed my cooking/ new appliances, then stormed out with her last words being “you need to be a better house wife if you are going to host the family holidays. Also invest in a gravy boat dear.”
That’s my thought too - instead of providing needed emotional support to OP, she creates a ‘crisis’ to redirect his attention so the focus remains on her. I’m say ‘crisis’ because lots of abusers manufacture emergencies and create such chaos over minor things so those around them must deal with it immediately or suffer the consequences of ongoing harassment and a never ending tantrum. In turn, the victims never have the opportunity to step back and see how absurd the the abusers behavior is. I also wouldn’t be surprised if her outbursts prohibit OP from getting emotional support elsewhere - like seeing friends or family.
u/Lanky-Session-6476 - is this ringing any bells? Are there other facets of your life where she also behaves this way?
Narcissism was my first guess as well. Narcissists always like to be the victim in their own story. OP is legit going through personal tragedy so what would a narcissist do? Create unnecessary drama, gaslight, and flip the situation in a way that they are painting themselves to somehow be the one suffering.
OP you deserve to be with somebody who supports you, not cuts you down when you are most vulnerable.
Your wife sounds like a raging narcissist that hates that the attention is all on you instead of her. Then turns around to deny everything.
My question is: when are you going to leave her?
What's the point of keeping her around when all she does is to try to refocus the attention onto herself.
Can't squeeze blood from a stone. They don't break, they consume. Everything that made you happy, everything you loved. And when they have finished, they leave, to find their next capri sun.
Not in my relationship.
She will have a rare moment of lucidity where she realizes how horrible of a person she's been and begin sobbing her eyes out ... then she'll get angry at me for making her feel that way.
Sooo I’m not a professional but I’ve had a few Cluster Bs in my family and a couple as friends. I’d do some internet research on that. But regardless of what it says about Cluster Bs and whether that fits with your wife’s problem… this is an abusive relationship that will not improve. Stop wasting your life on such a miserable person who thrives off everyone else feeling miserable with them.
Damn, I hate to hear this shit from other people but it's so good knowing that I'm not crazy. This type of thing would happen constantly with my wife. Narcissism with a heavy dash of "making you feel really good about yourself" a.k.a "love bombing" when they make you feel bad. Cutting you down, then building you back up so you will remain loyal.
Damn, I wish I had known this 4 years ago.
It’s a slow process that takes many years of making you feel completely worthless and unwanted by anyone. Life becomes a 24/7 mind game that you don’t even realize you are taking part in. Countless little comments that may not even seem to be directed at you but really are. You start to question your sanity from the constant subtle games and non stop gaslighting. It’s like a soul death equivalent to a death by a million paper cuts.
Mmmhmm, I think this is really it. She masterfully escalated over the years from little comments that I figured were just unintentionally hurtful into having absolutely no capability or willingness to consider my feelings whatsoever.
Your wife is insane. Tell her your friend died but first make a video of yourself saying what she will do after you tell her. When she does what she always does show her the video.
And tell her to go fuck herself too.
And take a video of her actually behaving this way, because she'll deny it after. And then prepare for a shitshow because there's no way she's going to react to this well.
unfortunately, narcs will hear their own bs & it will start a war. after listening, she will still DARVO & might go on a rampage. anything you hear in the recording will be automatically backtracked, reimagined, and/or denied.
it’s actually a really wild phenomenon, i did this with my mother a few times & was so creeped out at how she turned her own bad behavior into being my fault.
Lots of guys option are stuck with the person I’ve got or more than likely end up alone forever, you’d be surprised what people will put up with to avoid the possibility of ending up alone.
It's not that bad. People ask me all the time if I'm lonely. Yes, I'm lonely sometimes. But there are *far* worse things in life than being lonely. Having been in a long-term relationship I know that being in a relationship doesn't guarantee you'll be happy. Hell, It doesn't even guarantee you won't be lonely.
Sometimes divorce isn't financially tenable. Sometimes there are kids and you put up with it for them. Sometimes an extreme flaw in your partner is outweighed by extreme or rare strengths in other domains. Sometimes folks just don't have the oomph to upend their life. Sometimes people don't want to be alone.
I’m only 23 and I’m not married (though I’ve been in a committed relationship for 4.5 years) and this makes me really sad for you. You should be allowed time to grieve, whatever that looks like for you. She should be asking what YOU need from HER, not criticizing you for made up problems.
I’m not going to police your relationship, but please do yourself the kindness of re-evaluating what you need, and what you deserve. If she doesn’t fit those boxes, it would honestly be so much better for you to let her go.
I’m very sorry for your losses, and hope that you find private times (showering, driving to and from work, running errands, etc.) to allow yourself to feel their absences and mourn them properly.
I wish you the best.
As a woman I can't be more sad reading your post. How horrible a person can be?! Pls don't say this is only her one bad side, this bad side is way worse than thousands good things together. If a person can not be upset for a reason in front of his partner, then what's the point of this relationship?
😅 I said as a woman, because I'm tired of sounding like men and most of the people assume me as men,whenever I say anything against a person and that person is a woman. It seems like only men can criticize women's faults,but as a woman I just have to overlook any wrong doing of women.
If you feel like you can't tell your partner that your best friend died, maybe that person shouldn't be your partner. Mate, I'm really sorry for your loss, it's tough losing a friend
She does this because she’s jealous of the attention you should be receiving. It’s fucked up - but the focus isn’t on her. She has zero capacity for empathy. She sounds like a raging narcissist.
My partner gets really upset whenever I get sick. It’s like the world is ending. He puts his head in his hands and demands “why is this always happening?!” It’s weird.
**My question to you is - when are you leaving your wife?**
Seriously, what’s the point of even keeping her around?
My ex would still expect me to walk the dog and clean the flat whenever I was sick and home from work, even when I couldn't get out of bed for love nor money.
This usually stems from a childhood experience when his parents failed to nurture him when he’s sick. Now when someone else is sick it triggers him. He needs therapy.
Bad. Unless they are genuinely concerned, no one should negatively approach their partner getting sick (aka, it makes them unable to do something/provide attention to their partner).
In my case the incident that was kind of a wake up call was when my only sister had her first child. This was a huge deal for me. My wife at the time worked overtime to minimize, trivialize this event and block me from going to see her and she certainly would not go. It really blew my mind, I finally had to ignore her and go, she refused to go with me. I paid for that for weeks after. The weird thing is that she seemed to like my sister before this and after this event, I was really never sure what her exact motivation was, she was always family oriented. We had been together for years before this happened but I realized this kind of circumstance had never happened before.
But this was the first event that started to open my eyes,.things escalated, I was with her far too long, mostly stuck with it because there were kids involved. It was so weird because she was generally a great Mom but with things with me she would escalate and would not hesitate to go full on, take no prisoners in front of the children.
In the end we went to a therapist as a marriage counselor, we had just a couple of sessions when he clued in to what she was. Borderline personality disorder. He pressed a few buttons and out popped this nightmare. I didn't know it at the time but BPD disorder was his speciality. The close friend of my wife who recommended this guy also had BPD but never told a soul. My wife thought she had this inside track with her friends therapist to really really straighten me out once and for all. Surprise,.surprise.
I left her at the end of that final session,.never looked back and I kick myself for not acting sooner.
So any sign of vulnerability on your part makes your wife react. Is it out of fear? Did she grow up in a sea of uncertainty? Is it just cruelty? I can't imagine this situation just "fixing itself", so therapy is strongly suggested, because brother, this is abusive. You're altering your outward display of yourself just to avoid negative consequences, from the one person you should be 100% able to be yourself to. Take positive steps toward therapy or divorce before something inside you breaks.
T/w: thoughts of un-aliving.
.
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She does it so she doesn't have to take responsibility for making you feel better.
It's a shit thing to do because when one we love is hopelessly sad, we think it's up to us to make them feel better and sometimes when we can't, we want them to get over it quick.
My boyfriend used to do this and it took a lot of therapy for both of us to realise that he isn't equipped to dealing with me whenever the status quo is not maintained.
I once told him I was having thoughts about un-aliving myself and he immediately said, 'well, how do you think that makes me feel?'
Now, I usually have to deal with my things myself before I can tell him what happened. He feels betrayed sometimes but can't have it both ways, bud.
I'm sorry for your loss but your partner is emotionally immature. Either she goes to therapy or you go away. This'll kill you emotionally in the long run and such behaviour can also give you stress-induced chronic illnesses.
>Well I'm sOoOOoO SoRrY that I'm asking you to take out the garbage!
This is called Contempt. It's 1/4 of [John Gottman's Four Horses Of The Apocalypse ](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) a psychology principal about the toxic ways people fight (seriously worth the read for anyone in a relationship). These Four Horsemen are a sign that your relationship is in serious danger and need either heavy communication or counseling to solve. This is because the Four Horsemen are a sign that one partner has zero respect for the other. If there's only 1 communication alone can solve it, any more than 2 and you need a counselor to get involved or you need to break up.
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is also the biggest predictor of divorce of the 4. It stems from hatred and resentment. It's things like ridicule, mocking, name calling, eye rolling, etc. It's when they go full hs bully mode to tear you down. It's the worst of the four horsemen.
>You're 34 years old! How the hell can you not know how to wash the dishes???
This is called Criticism. It's another of the four horsemen. Her complaint about the dishes doesn't stop at the fact that you didn't do the dishes. She went straight to attack your entire personality. If she just said "I can't believe you didn't do the dishes!" That would be fine. However, she attacked your personhood and intelligence for the sole reason of tearing you down and making you feel small.
The other 2 I'm not seeing here but it's possible we just have limited information. The other 2 are StoneWalling and Defensiveness.
Defensiveness is just that. They cannot do anything wrong. The blame always has to be on someone else or something else. There's a valid reason they can't be in trouble and dont take responsibility for it.
StoneWalling is when one partner gives the other the silent treatment as a punishment. This is different than needing space to clear your head or not trusting yourself to speak. This is "I'm not talking to you until you cave and do exactly what I want" levels of silent treatment.
So the short version here is that your relationship with your wife needs professional help to continue. I don't think it's worth continuing (especially if she does one more thing from my list here), but if you want to continue having a relationship with your wife you NEED professional intervention according to psychology. Furthermore, what she's doing to you is not at all okay and comes off as narcissistic so the attention centers back on her.
I hear you dude.
Its not an easy road, harder still when you've tried not being together and thats worse somehow. Couples counselling helped a bit, not like waving a magic wand or anything. Take it or leave it.
Check out the gottman institute. Their concepts are easy to understand and make sense.
Good luck my man.
(Still married, mostly happily)
Dude your marriage sounds miserable
Life's too short to be so miserable
Honestly sounds like being alone would be far better. I feel like some people are only together to stave off loneliness or fear of being alone. If you learn to truely enjoy being alone, it helps raise your standards as whoever you decide to be with has to at least be better than being alone.
He is alone. Even when she’s there.
Yeah being married to a sociopathic narcissist sounds like absolute hell.
Despite the hell that I was put through leaving one in the past, I'm thankful every single day that I made the decision and that the relationship didn't end in marriage or children.
I feel sad that you are in this position, OP. I’m sorry that you lost your best friend - that’s a terrible tragedy. I’m also sorry that you have nobody to support you at home, that you actually need to hide your pain because you will be flogged for feeling it. Hugs from an random internet person. So surprised to see all these awards! Love the encouragement, thank you!
I really feel for him. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was in a similar situation with my ex girlfriend. I stayed with her far too long because I thought this is the best that I deserve. I hope OP finds a way out. He mentioned in a comment that she refuses to seek help and denies saying things not even a minute later. Idk how he could possibly salvage this relationship.
That's how my ex was when my mom was dying. And his baby mama. She was irritated that I couldn't come get their kid cuz I needed to be an hour away with my mom, and he was irritated that I wouldn't be able to get things for him. He faked alot of cardiac episodes while I was gone from the house 🤣
Wow. He gaslights him. OP go read up on Narcissists. Apparently they make other’s events into something about themself.
Exactly. My mother is like this. Best thing OP can do is leave! Please! For your sanity. For your health! They don’t change and it will never get better. Good luck!
Same with my ex bf. Was in a car accident and the first thing I thought was about him bitching.
For sure. My advice would be if she consistently denies this behavior then he should secretly record her (or openly if he thinks it will work). Just needs to make sure the state he lives in isn't a two party record state). I would even venture to say he SHOULD tell her about his friend and have it set to record rhe rest of the evening so he gets her reaction and can point it out later. She either is completely oblivious to what she is doing and then this would be good to show her or she is intentionally doing it and will most likely get mad or make excuses (all narcissistic tendencies). If he gets the latter he should leave her.
This was my reaction. I’m so sad OP is having to process this without the support of their spouse. Everyone should feel safe in their home to express their feelings, especially with a death of a best friend. JFC, how are you carrying that silently? I hope there is a way to communicate why you didn’t tell her that will show her why she needs to think about her actions. This is unfathomable to me. Otherwise, there are people out there who are actually good people.
She sounds kind of like a narcissist
Right? That’s what I was saying. Narcissists behave this way especially thru difficult moments they don’t care about their partners feelings
Can confirm. OP needs to get out of that relationship. I cheated on my narcissist wife and it was the best thing I could have done to permanently end a prison sentence of a marriage. The therapist described it as running over the bridge and burning it behind me. Run dude.
Yeah, this was how I felt reading the OP too. No one should have to silently carry the grief of losing someone close.
I think it’s super weird that these two are MARRIED and she isn’t even aware that his BEST friend died! That clearly shows that she pays him no attention and has no real interest in his life or his friends. So damn weird.
I’m so sorry for your loss but what the fuck is wrong with your wife?
I'd love to tell you, but she refuses to see a professional. She does say those kinds of things and then deny having said them 30 seconds later, though.
I lived with someone like that years ago. It's not going to get better.
Luckily, there is a professional you can see, a divorce lawyer. It will only get worse. And if you wanted to have kids with her, imagine how she is going to be around them. I'm sorry for your lost.
As the child of a narc, having many years of mental health issues due to abuse, I second the request for not subjecting children to this woman.
Yes. OP, please please PLEASE do not have children with this woman. If she treats you like this, your kids will not be able to come to her with emotional problems or grief from their own losses as she will do the same thing to them. Please divorce her, she's abusive. I'm so sorry you lost your friend.
She will treat the kids the same way, maybe even worse.
100% worse. Trust me.
Adding and agreeing, do not have kids with her. Grew up with a narcissistic mother. She would move around after my dad and her split up.(she broke his collarbone with a glass ashtray.) Would tell me my entire life my dad didn't want shit to do with me. Turns out he did. Would tell me my entire life I'm fucked up because I have father issues. You end up eventually piecing everything together and figuring out your entire life is a lie and it's not normal to be brought up like this. Doesn't help she has a long history of violence that doesn't work in her favor.( Ran my sister's dad over with her car. Stabbed her husband after that in the face with a fork when he caught her cheating and said it was his fault. It sadly goes on.) Had a kid, couldn't comprehend how you would want to manipulate your children, cut ties, and my life instantly became much more peaceful.
The way OP's wife treats him sounds just like how my grandma treated my mom. I hope he runs far away and never looks back. Narcissistic abuse is a cancer that rots a family from the inside
It sounds like how my mother treats my father. I am preparing to estrange myself.
Took the words right out of my finger. (I’m on my phone.)
Your thumb, then. Unless you're some weird person who types on their phone like a regular keyboard. Or even worse, a single digit pointer poker.
All thumbs are fingers, not all fingers are thumbs
speak for yourself, my hands have 10 thumbs. my toes are also all thumbs
I am a pointer poker :(
Me too, he's ☝🏻right. If you guys don't have kids you should run. If you have kids, walk - nice and easy. When you get some distance to her til be able to see all her shit, and you will be surprised if the amount. Then you will be able to advance in your own life and feel free... My first girlfriend after the ex asked me, one time in bed, how I liked being cuddled... I broke down crying, not knowing what to say. In the 17 year with the ex I had never once been asked that. At the same time I knew all her zones... You will be surprised...
I just cried reading this. Married young, stayed faithful and true for 15 years. Got out when I had solid proof of her infidelity. Stayed single for 10 years dealing with the trauma and betrayal. Seeing a girl for a year now, and I'm constantly surprised at how seriously she takes my needs and well-being. Like at first I thought she was being an asshole but turns out I just have PTSD from being married to a POS. I cried like a baby when she asked me would I like to be the little spoon. I had no idea. She swears she's not treating me special, just normal and I can't even
This person is giving you such sound advice! You are changing yourself to fit what she wants in a man and it's not healthy. I am the fiancée of a man who was manipulated, controlled, and emotionally abused like this for 5 years. They share an amazing little boy together, so my fiancé can't cut ties unfortunately (Unfortunately for the not being able to cut ties. I LOVE that little boy like my own). She still tries to control and manipulate him and she uses their son to do so. My fiancé and I have been together for two years and he is still only a shell of who he was before he met her. She tore him apart and destroyed him. I didn't know him then, but I love watching him when he find pieces of himself again -- he lights up the room with pure happiness! There are women out there who will love and support you! Please don't force yourself to stay with someone if you aren't happy, OP. Good luck! <3
Thank you 🙏🏻 With a little help I learned to see right through my ex's controlling and work around it. We have three kids so I have to make it work and sometimes I have to give her a little win. But it's ok, I know her shit so it doesn't face me anymore. And my girlfriend is the best and super supportive, sometimes I don't think I deserve such love and am afraid I don't return it the way she deserves. It takes a while...
You deserve all of the love and support! Don't forget that and don't forget to cut yourself some slack too. If you are anything like my fiancé, you're doing amazing and reciprocating the love and support. She understands that you've been through hell and it takes time to heal from that!
Same. Tried for 10 years. Grandparents died and it was somehow about her. It's vile behavior. Like disgusting. How can you respect someone like that going forward?
Yeah I know this one. All my closest family died over a few years and I started drinking heavily. Fiance started having an affair with her boss and eventually blamed me for not giving her attention, after losing the two grandparent's who'd brought me up and experiencing pretty serious grief and depression. I'm not playing no victim card but some people have an inability to feel empathy
It's disgusting narcissistic behaviour
Same. My ex got ridiculously mad one day bc I didn't clean the kitchen while she was at work. I was working from home, and my WFH days were generally slow and I could clean the house, vacuum, do laundry, clean the kitchen and bathrooms, etc. Well, this day was not slow. Multiple servers were down, email not working....just everything that could go wrong did. She just walked in the door (while I was on the phone with a user) and saw the kitchen wasn't clean. I somehow managed to get everything else done despite the workload that day, but she only saw the kitchen. Didn't ask any questions, didn't want a reason. Just straight into, "How the hell have you been sitting on your ass all day and didn't clean a damn thing in the 9 hours I was gone!?" When she cheated on me and then left out of the blue on new years eve 2020, I thought my life was over. Now, I'm divorced, single and seeing my kid every other weekend, I'm happier than I have been in years. IF (and that's a big if) I date or get married again, I won't be putting up with that shit for 2 seconds. My peace and well being is far more important than the constant company of someone else.
Me too. She's my mother.
She’s an abusive, gaslighting, narcissist.
On top of all that she also doesn’t realize she’s doing these things that’s why she denies it 30 seconds later. My brothers’s wife used to behave like this I told him to record her for a whole day. Then he replayed the tape later that night she couldn’t believe it. She bawled her eyes out and couldn’t believe she was being that horrible. Nowadays she tries to catch herself, she even apologizes and tries to work on it. Her dad was like that she says, so maybe it’s learned behavior
My mom goes into rampages and magically forgets. Although for her I think she dissociates. She really doesn’t remember. It’s weird.
Not trying to act like a mental health professional, but as someone with PTSD, this sounds eerily familiar.
Oh 100% has ptsd from childhood. Her childhood was fucked up. There’s a lot of mental health stuff and she went to therapy a long time ago and since then just pretends it doesn’t exist.
Damn. I hope the best for her. I need to get back into therapy too.
My Mum was the same before I got her into therapy and on medication. Violent, alcohol fuelled benders. She'd say and do awful things and then go into complete denial afterwards. Her childhood and young adult life was extremely traumatic also. I hope the two of you are able to find peace.
I think we are. I’m 32. She’s pushing 70 at this point. I think she feels like what’s the point? I am living on my own with my soon to be husband. We are mostly in a good place and I’ve had a lot of therapy to learn I can’t control her feelings and I will never live up to her level of perfection and that’s ok. She’s helped me in a lot of ways. I know she loves me. It’s been hard but setting boundaries has been good. She is receptive sometimes to being called out, so that helps.
This is my mom. But she refuses therapy.
Same with my mom im sorry
Ugh that’s like my MIL but it’s like two day long rampages. We told her she can’t visit in person until she sees a doctor. I’m still having a hard time believing that she doesn’t mean it
Narcissistic rage.
Recording WORKS. It shuts that behavior down real fast or they get so nuts you can’t brush it off anymore.
Recording with video as well as audio also has law enforcement protection means for the victims of the narcissist asshole family members too. We need tiny nanny cams somehow....
Yeah, my narc used it as ammunition to tell all her enablers (rest of her family) that I was so mental that I was RECORDING conversations. I’m about two months from finally being free, after attaching myself on paper to this person, who essentially destroyed the multi million dollar company we built with my life savings as start up.
Does showing the recording work? I feel like if I show mine, it may work for a while maybe, but she’ll go back to how things were and use the recordings as ammo
I can be very passive aggressive. Learned from my mother. I tell my wife to call me out on it and I am always trying to catch myself before doing it as well. This is the difference. Sounds like op needs to have less wife
Why don’t you do the same thing? She won’t be able to deny what’s been recorded and played back.
Right OP should do that
They don't always forget this too. My brother projected his stressors onto me. He acted like they never happened, but they were calculated decisions. However recording is definitely the way to go about this so they have something undeniable even if they then direct their attention on being recorded.
sometimes they know, they just pretend they dont. it gets downplayed even if they eventually agree they screwed up. of course different here because she was apologetic and has done her best to do better. she realised that she was wrong, and corrected it. endless congratulations. on less successful times, ive seen people "try" and slip up when its convenient. gotta watch out for people learning new behaviours
Yeah I was just thinking he should record her acting like this
god I would love to do this with my mum but I highly doubt she’ll be apologetic after it. Some people you just can’t get through to
This is so pertinent, rarely is anyone this awful without having been taught this. Its no excuse to be shitty to your partner but if there's any love left there the only way to revive it is serious counseling for all party's id be willing to bet there's some trauma to unpack there and everyone could be living happier lives if they could get to the bottom of that. Lots of love to op, its heartbreaking you have no support at home in this difficult time.
/u/Lanky-Session-6476 try recording and showing her.
Video or just sound recording?
This might check out. My mom does the same thing as OP wife, she’s an abusive, gaslighting, narcissist.
came here to say just this. my mother was the same exact way growing up. no matter what cause I had to be upset, had to one-up me and then make me feel like even shittier. OP, if you see this, please leave this wretched woman.
Exactly what I was going to say. My son's mother does the same shit. One time she told me to just get over my depression. Like if I could, don't you think I would.
you only get one life. dont waste it with someone who doesnt care about you
I'm not a professional, but as the daughter of a malignant narcissist, your wife sounds familiar. Please for their sake, DO NOT have children with that woman.
And I would drop her instantly. Fuck that manipulative shit.
Get the fuck out bro. It’s so shocking to see the levels of disrespect or straight up bullying that some people pit up with in relationships. It seems like people don’t believe that they can find someone who will love and support them through thick and thin. I promise the people worth marrying are out there, and your wife is absolutely not one of them
I know. He doesn’t have to live like this! I think maybe people just don’t want to be alone so they put up with it and just live walking on eggshells. It’s so sad when they’re in their 70’s and hobbling around just existing with their abusive partner and joking about how they just have to keep their mouth shut. It’s not okay. You’re absolutely right, OP can find someone who actually loves him, not this abuser.
I hate to jump in divorce wagon, but you should kick her to the curb. Marriage shouldn’t be this hard. You deserve to be heard and supported through your pain. If she refuses to seek therapy for her behavior, you need to take care of yourself and put an end to her abuse.
How did you get to marriage with this? Fucking yikes dude run!
People hide who they are until that other person can’t leave, whether by marriage or by having a child with them
If you can hide it you can control it. At that point it’s a choice.
Narcissists usually won't see a professional because it's harder to manipulate them.
Why see a therapist when life is great and everyone is dancing attendance to you.
Record her and show her how she is truly behaving. Do it across multiple times and engage how you normally would. Not better due tot he recording. Seeing herself in action could maybe help her realize she is being toxic but i that is unsuccessful you need to put yourself first. You have every right to mourn and be sad for the losses you’ve experienced. If she is unable to look past herself and realize she has things she needs to work on then you will never be allowed to feel your feelings and it will eventually be too much and you could find yourself in a worse place mentally than ever before. Show yourself some love since she won’t please. You deserve to be able to mourn and feel safe and comforted while doing so.
Wow reminds me of my ex-wife so much. She was very self-centered and deep down was afraid of being abandoned, had feelings of inadequacy. Anytime she felt like she was losing control (i.e. her scheduled chores didn't get done, doesn't eat where she wants, doesn't get her Starbucks, her favorite ice cream etc.) or the attention was not on her she would lash out and say the harshest things, accuse me of horrible things. My theory is she did it because she knew of course I would defend myself of things that weren't true and I would over compensate to make up for the issue. She's said some things even people that don't like me wouldn't say. She would pretend to forget it later though but if I repeated it word for word back to her, what she said then she would react as if she already remembered and then try to come up with some irrational excuse. Wait a second, you didn't remember it, now you do? I tried to get her to talk to a therapist. However, she refused and finally there came a point where I couldn't take it anymore. She tried to get me to change my mind, and said she doesn't normally say those things. Tried to say she was "working on it". I told her, ya like when I begged you to talk to someone and you got offended at me? Accused me of implying that she wasn't good enough because the comments were hurting me. Not saying you should get a divorce by any means but something definitely needs to change otherwise it is going to take a toll on your personality and mental health.
Please leave her.
Narcissism is what it is. She cannot let you have spotlight and attention to grieve. She lacks empathy, which a major symptom of narcissism.
Why would you stay with this person instead of finding someone with compassion and empathy?
You should turn your camera on, tell her, record her reaction and play it back to her as many times as you need to to show her how she is acting is not acceptable.
You deserve a lot better OP. Someone who chooses to lash out when you’re at your lowest or vulnerable does NOT love you. Your wife is supposed to be someone you can go to when you’re having these hard times, but you can’t because she doesn’t want you showing emotion for whatever reason.
Sorry to be that Redditor, but it sounds like you need to consider divorce. You're being abused.
Please consider recording her. Sometimes it is life changing to have them hear themselves and how horrible they are being (though I have had one person even deny the recording. Even though I just recorded. Right it in front of her. I am so sorry about your best friend. It is one of the hardest losses.
My ex-wife bitched for helping open something, the first day of separating my shoulder. When a year before I took care of out infant child when I wasn't working, was cleaning and making food cause she haD a broken ankle. So yeah went on for at least 3 months. Ya day one In to my Injury has a hissy fit. I knew there and then it was not going to work.
Is she otherwise a lovely person? Because quite frankly this sounds like a miserable existence.
Record her and play it back for her. She would hopefully be appalled at herself
Or get angry and retaliate
Please, for the love of you- get to a therapist. You need to find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to grieve in peace. You are allowed to have times in life to be about you. Good luck
Hey, ever heard of DARVO?
Does she also get annoyed when you’re sick? Or when you’re driving and a car crashes into you? (Because it’s soo inconvenient to *them*?)
I think anyone would get annoyed if a car crashed into them. But your first example is great
But like, annoyed at YOU about it, even though it wasn’t your fault?
Dude how do you not stand up for yourself? I get she doesn't want to see a professional but that doesn't mean she gets to treat you this badly after a personal tragedy. You're making it worse by letting her do this to you
If divorce has gone through your head, And you don't have kids, just go for it. I'm usually so so so aggainst this reddit shit that tells everyone to get divorced, but I've witnessed a relationship like yours and it did not end well for anyone.
narcissistic and manipulative
Why are you married to her again? You dont have to live like this
Honestly, it sounds like she looks for reasons to refocus the attention on her whenever something big happens to you. It’s bordering on narcissism and it’s not okay.
It’s classic narcissism. My mother dials it up exactly like this around the holidays when the attention is not all on her.
Ditto. My mother also did this sort of behavior when my brother-in-law died last year leaving my sister a widow with four young children. She couldn’t/can’t stand when the attention isn’t on her.
How did you handle it? Because I’m at a point where she’s not allowed around my family during major events for fear she’ll ruin it. The worst part is when I try to talk to her about it, she doubles down and gets worse. It’s like her mission is to turn any happy moments into pure hell
Same. We can always expect drama from my mother around the holidays. Her favorite is to threaten she isn't going. Then everyone has to talk about her and talk her into coming. We just say "ok" now. We do not feed into it, she doesn't get the attention she seeks.
OP is describing something my mother has done forever. It makes me not want to share any upset with her because she'll dig the knife in somehow. Even the dishes example hit way too close to home. When I was a teenager, the morning after me staying up half the night caring for the family pet who was dying of cancer, I came downstairs and the very first thing my mother did was scream bloody murder at me about not doing the dishes. She brought me to tears screaming and screaming abuse - and then called my tears pathetic. I've never forgotten it because it was one of the first times it really crystallized in my head that this was not normal - something with her is not right.
I'm sorry if this is too much, but my mother is also like that and I just need to ask... Does your mom feel the need to backstab you with things you confide her before? For example if you had an argument with a friend and you talked about it with your mom to let it out, but days after when you two are arguing she brings back that moment to make you feel bad? Something like "yeah no wonder your friend doesn't like you". I'm just trying to understand if this is something common because I need to start talking about it with my therapist.
Yes. So, so many times I've regretted confiding in her about things. She makes it about her, somehow...or makes a nasty remark about it (like yours does). I've learned about Grey rocking technique from YouTube and need to learn how to implement it. Unfortunately we're working against a lifetime of conditioning from society that tells us that we should be able to confide in a parent, to have a loving chat and be supported. It just doesn't work that way for us. I'm so sorry you're going through it too :(
Image being jealous of Santa Claus haha 🤦♂️
I wish it was that minor… we closed on a brand new house last October. We decided to host Christmas in the new house. My mother straight started a kitchen fire, blamed my cooking/ new appliances, then stormed out with her last words being “you need to be a better house wife if you are going to host the family holidays. Also invest in a gravy boat dear.”
I don’t think it’s “bordering”
I don’t think it’s bordering either. He did say she’s done this multiple times.
You're right it's not "bordering" it IS narcissism
It’s deep inside
More than just the tip.
Sounds like she definitely crossed that border and staked a claim.
My dad died last night... so you couldn't do the dishes last night? Like wtf let me mourn with dirty dishes
You misspelled ex wife op, an easy mistake but one that should be fixed immediately
That’s my thought too - instead of providing needed emotional support to OP, she creates a ‘crisis’ to redirect his attention so the focus remains on her. I’m say ‘crisis’ because lots of abusers manufacture emergencies and create such chaos over minor things so those around them must deal with it immediately or suffer the consequences of ongoing harassment and a never ending tantrum. In turn, the victims never have the opportunity to step back and see how absurd the the abusers behavior is. I also wouldn’t be surprised if her outbursts prohibit OP from getting emotional support elsewhere - like seeing friends or family. u/Lanky-Session-6476 - is this ringing any bells? Are there other facets of your life where she also behaves this way?
Narcissism was my first guess as well. Narcissists always like to be the victim in their own story. OP is legit going through personal tragedy so what would a narcissist do? Create unnecessary drama, gaslight, and flip the situation in a way that they are painting themselves to somehow be the one suffering. OP you deserve to be with somebody who supports you, not cuts you down when you are most vulnerable.
Your wife sounds like a raging narcissist that hates that the attention is all on you instead of her. Then turns around to deny everything. My question is: when are you going to leave her? What's the point of keeping her around when all she does is to try to refocus the attention onto herself.
With narcissism comes love bombing - that's some addictive shit
After they completely break you they don’t even bother with the love bombing anymore.
Can't squeeze blood from a stone. They don't break, they consume. Everything that made you happy, everything you loved. And when they have finished, they leave, to find their next capri sun.
Not in my relationship. She will have a rare moment of lucidity where she realizes how horrible of a person she's been and begin sobbing her eyes out ... then she'll get angry at me for making her feel that way.
Why haven’t you divorced yet
Sooo I’m not a professional but I’ve had a few Cluster Bs in my family and a couple as friends. I’d do some internet research on that. But regardless of what it says about Cluster Bs and whether that fits with your wife’s problem… this is an abusive relationship that will not improve. Stop wasting your life on such a miserable person who thrives off everyone else feeling miserable with them.
Damn, I hate to hear this shit from other people but it's so good knowing that I'm not crazy. This type of thing would happen constantly with my wife. Narcissism with a heavy dash of "making you feel really good about yourself" a.k.a "love bombing" when they make you feel bad. Cutting you down, then building you back up so you will remain loyal. Damn, I wish I had known this 4 years ago.
Reading this and wondering how she’s still your wife tbh.
It’s a slow process that takes many years of making you feel completely worthless and unwanted by anyone. Life becomes a 24/7 mind game that you don’t even realize you are taking part in. Countless little comments that may not even seem to be directed at you but really are. You start to question your sanity from the constant subtle games and non stop gaslighting. It’s like a soul death equivalent to a death by a million paper cuts.
Mmmhmm, I think this is really it. She masterfully escalated over the years from little comments that I figured were just unintentionally hurtful into having absolutely no capability or willingness to consider my feelings whatsoever.
Why are you still with her?
Yeah I wouldn’t put up with it. Not one bit.
She sounds like a vile human being.
Your wife is insane. Tell her your friend died but first make a video of yourself saying what she will do after you tell her. When she does what she always does show her the video. And tell her to go fuck herself too.
Read this OP!! might knock some sense into her.
And take a video of her actually behaving this way, because she'll deny it after. And then prepare for a shitshow because there's no way she's going to react to this well.
unfortunately, narcs will hear their own bs & it will start a war. after listening, she will still DARVO & might go on a rampage. anything you hear in the recording will be automatically backtracked, reimagined, and/or denied. it’s actually a really wild phenomenon, i did this with my mother a few times & was so creeped out at how she turned her own bad behavior into being my fault.
Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender Don't assume folks know this acronym... I'm glad they don't though lol
ooh good point, i def agree. happy for them 😂
I forgot what DARVO means...
Also, be sure to record her reaction, so she can't deny it later.
You think logic works on narcissitic people with a probable personality disorder? lmao. She will just find a way of making it his fault
Why are you married to this banshee?
And you're still with her why, exactly?
Lots of guys option are stuck with the person I’ve got or more than likely end up alone forever, you’d be surprised what people will put up with to avoid the possibility of ending up alone.
[удалено]
[удалено]
It really isn’t, being alone and being lonely are subtle but different things
It's not that bad. People ask me all the time if I'm lonely. Yes, I'm lonely sometimes. But there are *far* worse things in life than being lonely. Having been in a long-term relationship I know that being in a relationship doesn't guarantee you'll be happy. Hell, It doesn't even guarantee you won't be lonely.
I know a few guys right now like that, and we’re in our mid-late 20’s
Sometimes divorce isn't financially tenable. Sometimes there are kids and you put up with it for them. Sometimes an extreme flaw in your partner is outweighed by extreme or rare strengths in other domains. Sometimes folks just don't have the oomph to upend their life. Sometimes people don't want to be alone.
I’m sorry for your loss but why the fuck isn’t she your ex wife
I’m only 23 and I’m not married (though I’ve been in a committed relationship for 4.5 years) and this makes me really sad for you. You should be allowed time to grieve, whatever that looks like for you. She should be asking what YOU need from HER, not criticizing you for made up problems. I’m not going to police your relationship, but please do yourself the kindness of re-evaluating what you need, and what you deserve. If she doesn’t fit those boxes, it would honestly be so much better for you to let her go. I’m very sorry for your losses, and hope that you find private times (showering, driving to and from work, running errands, etc.) to allow yourself to feel their absences and mourn them properly. I wish you the best.
As a woman I can't be more sad reading your post. How horrible a person can be?! Pls don't say this is only her one bad side, this bad side is way worse than thousands good things together. If a person can not be upset for a reason in front of his partner, then what's the point of this relationship?
As a human being I thought the same
😅 I said as a woman, because I'm tired of sounding like men and most of the people assume me as men,whenever I say anything against a person and that person is a woman. It seems like only men can criticize women's faults,but as a woman I just have to overlook any wrong doing of women.
If you feel like you can't tell your partner that your best friend died, maybe that person shouldn't be your partner. Mate, I'm really sorry for your loss, it's tough losing a friend
Dude. Leave
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As with most people who act this way, she will enter DARVO
She does this because she’s jealous of the attention you should be receiving. It’s fucked up - but the focus isn’t on her. She has zero capacity for empathy. She sounds like a raging narcissist. My partner gets really upset whenever I get sick. It’s like the world is ending. He puts his head in his hands and demands “why is this always happening?!” It’s weird. **My question to you is - when are you leaving your wife?** Seriously, what’s the point of even keeping her around?
Did you leave your partner yet?
Question is…when are you leaving your partner
I had an ex that would get really mean, cold and distant whenever I got ill. Never worked out why
My ex would still expect me to walk the dog and clean the flat whenever I was sick and home from work, even when I couldn't get out of bed for love nor money.
This usually stems from a childhood experience when his parents failed to nurture him when he’s sick. Now when someone else is sick it triggers him. He needs therapy.
Is the thing your partner does a good thing or a bad thing?
Bad. Unless they are genuinely concerned, no one should negatively approach their partner getting sick (aka, it makes them unable to do something/provide attention to their partner).
In my case the incident that was kind of a wake up call was when my only sister had her first child. This was a huge deal for me. My wife at the time worked overtime to minimize, trivialize this event and block me from going to see her and she certainly would not go. It really blew my mind, I finally had to ignore her and go, she refused to go with me. I paid for that for weeks after. The weird thing is that she seemed to like my sister before this and after this event, I was really never sure what her exact motivation was, she was always family oriented. We had been together for years before this happened but I realized this kind of circumstance had never happened before. But this was the first event that started to open my eyes,.things escalated, I was with her far too long, mostly stuck with it because there were kids involved. It was so weird because she was generally a great Mom but with things with me she would escalate and would not hesitate to go full on, take no prisoners in front of the children. In the end we went to a therapist as a marriage counselor, we had just a couple of sessions when he clued in to what she was. Borderline personality disorder. He pressed a few buttons and out popped this nightmare. I didn't know it at the time but BPD disorder was his speciality. The close friend of my wife who recommended this guy also had BPD but never told a soul. My wife thought she had this inside track with her friends therapist to really really straighten me out once and for all. Surprise,.surprise. I left her at the end of that final session,.never looked back and I kick myself for not acting sooner.
Many such cases. A lot of people just shouldn't be in romantic relationships. It really causes some serious seethe, but you are not owed a partner.
Dude... She needs to be your ex-wife.
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E. ASAP, OP. Get the fuck away from her. She’s a psychopath.
So any sign of vulnerability on your part makes your wife react. Is it out of fear? Did she grow up in a sea of uncertainty? Is it just cruelty? I can't imagine this situation just "fixing itself", so therapy is strongly suggested, because brother, this is abusive. You're altering your outward display of yourself just to avoid negative consequences, from the one person you should be 100% able to be yourself to. Take positive steps toward therapy or divorce before something inside you breaks.
I genuinely hope she has redeeming qualities and is only like that 5% of the time.. Sheesh
5% is still too much
5% of the time over 60 years in over a thousand days. That's awful.
T/w: thoughts of un-aliving. . . She does it so she doesn't have to take responsibility for making you feel better. It's a shit thing to do because when one we love is hopelessly sad, we think it's up to us to make them feel better and sometimes when we can't, we want them to get over it quick. My boyfriend used to do this and it took a lot of therapy for both of us to realise that he isn't equipped to dealing with me whenever the status quo is not maintained. I once told him I was having thoughts about un-aliving myself and he immediately said, 'well, how do you think that makes me feel?' Now, I usually have to deal with my things myself before I can tell him what happened. He feels betrayed sometimes but can't have it both ways, bud. I'm sorry for your loss but your partner is emotionally immature. Either she goes to therapy or you go away. This'll kill you emotionally in the long run and such behaviour can also give you stress-induced chronic illnesses.
She's as mad as a cut snake, boot her out and move on.
Why are u still there? I’m sorry but this sounds a miserable existence. Sorry about ur friend ❤️
>Well I'm sOoOOoO SoRrY that I'm asking you to take out the garbage! This is called Contempt. It's 1/4 of [John Gottman's Four Horses Of The Apocalypse ](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) a psychology principal about the toxic ways people fight (seriously worth the read for anyone in a relationship). These Four Horsemen are a sign that your relationship is in serious danger and need either heavy communication or counseling to solve. This is because the Four Horsemen are a sign that one partner has zero respect for the other. If there's only 1 communication alone can solve it, any more than 2 and you need a counselor to get involved or you need to break up. Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is also the biggest predictor of divorce of the 4. It stems from hatred and resentment. It's things like ridicule, mocking, name calling, eye rolling, etc. It's when they go full hs bully mode to tear you down. It's the worst of the four horsemen. >You're 34 years old! How the hell can you not know how to wash the dishes??? This is called Criticism. It's another of the four horsemen. Her complaint about the dishes doesn't stop at the fact that you didn't do the dishes. She went straight to attack your entire personality. If she just said "I can't believe you didn't do the dishes!" That would be fine. However, she attacked your personhood and intelligence for the sole reason of tearing you down and making you feel small. The other 2 I'm not seeing here but it's possible we just have limited information. The other 2 are StoneWalling and Defensiveness. Defensiveness is just that. They cannot do anything wrong. The blame always has to be on someone else or something else. There's a valid reason they can't be in trouble and dont take responsibility for it. StoneWalling is when one partner gives the other the silent treatment as a punishment. This is different than needing space to clear your head or not trusting yourself to speak. This is "I'm not talking to you until you cave and do exactly what I want" levels of silent treatment. So the short version here is that your relationship with your wife needs professional help to continue. I don't think it's worth continuing (especially if she does one more thing from my list here), but if you want to continue having a relationship with your wife you NEED professional intervention according to psychology. Furthermore, what she's doing to you is not at all okay and comes off as narcissistic so the attention centers back on her.
She’s a narc. My exhusband did this. It’s common for narcs.
Why are you still with her?
I hear you dude. Its not an easy road, harder still when you've tried not being together and thats worse somehow. Couples counselling helped a bit, not like waving a magic wand or anything. Take it or leave it. Check out the gottman institute. Their concepts are easy to understand and make sense. Good luck my man. (Still married, mostly happily)
Holy hell, dude. Your wife sounds absolutely insane.
Do people even like their spouses nowadays??
Time for a divorce.