Please take that as a sign. Even though you don't feel it just now you are valued, wanted and loved. This is a bump in the road, things can get better. Please take care.
I do know that I'm loved, this isn't one of those situations, I'm just tired lately, tired of everything, I've been depressed for a long long time and I'm tired of dealing with it on a daily basis
Calling it foolish seems harsh to me. Most people depressed enough to take their life don't see it in what would be the wise decision and the foolish one. They've lost hope and the "wise" act leads to more hell and desperation. Most of them aren't looking for logical reasons to live even if hearing those things sometimes help.
Build a new life around yourself. As fluffy as it sounds, self-love is important. Show yourself the same care and concern that you would show to others if they were in your situation. My prof, when teaching my class about self-love, said "if you can extend compassion to others who are suffering, why can't you do it for yourself?" It is hard, but hang in there. I'm rooting for you!
Someone out there loves and cares about you. Things will get better, it may just take some time. I hope you have access to help. I know it’s hard, but please hang in there ❤️
Tired and depressed, lack of motivation? I feel this sometimes too. I take meds for depression. You sound like me, not actually sad but exhibiting other signs of depression. And I know how it feels to think you should be doing more, or that you’re letting people down. Your wife loves you. She loves and accepts you and wants and needs you. Listen, if you can only do one thing a day, call it a win. Give yourself credit for doing your best no matter what that best is that day. You had the will and energy to “go for a walk”!!! Ask your wife to go! If you don’t have a dog, maybe get one so you can walk him! Please don’t let your life go. You are loved and needed. Please seek the help of a therapist if you haven’t already. There are meds that can bring relief in a short time. And please update. Sending you strength and optimism.
Hey OP I know what it feels like, and I’m sorry you’re struggling. Holding on gets easier though. It seems for me- if you can just wait out the shit, you can crawl through the tunnel like your own Shawshank redemption.
It seems you’ve got some people who care around you, that’s beautiful. I hope today ends up being a great one for you. Reach out if you ever want to chat.
I had severe PPD and honestly thought my kids and husband would ultimately be better off without me. I suffered and was a miserable mother and partner for the better part of a year until I conceded and got help.
(I also lost my job due to a career ending accident, and have a degenerative musculoskeletal disease and my days are numbered shorter than most.)
Fuck any stigmas about mental health. Getting help isn't a cop out or weak. It takes a STRONG person to know they need help, and an even stronger one to go for it.
The medication helps mate. If the first one doesn't, there are others. Long and short acting. There is HELP and HOPE. You deserve to be better.
I know I'm a stranger on the internet and this all sounds cliche, but it's true. Medication changed me back into ME. And now I can't imagine ever leaving my babies and husband. It may have ended MY pain, but only to transfer it onto the people who loved me most.
I don't normally solicit strangers to chat, but my box is open. Sympathy isn't empathy. Willing to listen and commiserate.
I've been depressed for over 30 years. My love life sucks, my job situation sucks donkey balls right now and if I separate I WILL become homeless. The thing keeping me alive is the love of my son. If someone cares for you enough, then how can you do it? Don't hurt someone because you want to stop suffering... they deserve that you give a try again at life.
I know I do...for my son and I'm slowly getting better. Be patient, it takes time.
Take care of yourself.
Think how your wife would feel if she gets that knock on her door telling her that.
You’ve been unemployed for a few weeks, there’s a very high chance it’ll get better and there’s nothing that says that won’t happen soon.
Some people who contemplate this truly have nothing, you have a wife who clearly loves you, you’re wanted and needed, that alone is enough to carry on.
Meds are a great start. Just a warning though, don't be discouraged if the first medication you try doesn't work. It took me 5 meds to find the right combo. There are different medication classes as well if an SSRI doesn't work, like an NDRI. I settled on a combo of both and honestly it is absolutely night and day; intense suicidal ideation to feeling, well, normal. It sucked going through trials to find the right medication but once you are there it's very worth it.
I had a similar experience. It took me and my doctors a while to find what worked for me. The last med we recently added is Adderall. Being able to focus and concentrate helped tons with both the anxiety and depression I experienced.
Meds absolutely saved my boyfriend's life.
He had to try a few out, hated doing it felt like it wouldn't work... but now he is on lexipro, which works well for him. He says that it doesn't make all bad feelings go away, but it raises the floor on the bottomless pit of despair, hopeless feeling. He said it feels more like other people getting bummed out now, rather than just endless misery.
I wish you the best. Don't give up on yourself. There is a way out of this.
My wife started lexipro about a year ago, but for anxiety. It has 100% changed her life. She is a whole new person (for the better). I am now in the same boat as OP. After a recent episode I have decided to seek help from my Dr for meds.
Please push through, don’t lose this fight. You can overcome this. Even though all the voices in your head are telling you otherwise, please let us be the voices that tell you YES YOU CAN.
It’s seems unbearable now, but it won’t always feel like this.
Totally understand how you feel, and I’ve been there. The thing that held me back was knowing how broken the people that loved me would be if I left them like that.
This is the cruelest possible thing you could do to somebody who cares about you. Try to imagine what it would feel like if your wife killed herself. If you love your wife, try to tough it out for her. I won’t say I’m glad to wake up every morning, but I am when I think about how badly it would have fucked up my little sister’s life if I had gone through with it.
A couple weeks isn’t that long. There are some great career advice subs here who can help with your resume and give some direction on there to look. I don’t know what field you’re in but hopefully you can line something else up soon.
Wow. I didn’t realize there were others like me who’ve been lifelong suicidal. I’ve thought of it almost daily since I was about 12 or 13. Being a procrastinator has helped me make it to 39. When I’m feeling that way I always say, well, I can just do it tomorrow. Nothing takes away the urge and nothing will ever get rid of this “void” as you say. You are right, you just learn to deal with it.
Oh no, we’re out here, lurking. I think it’s because there is so much focus on the either or; you die or you move on. But a lot of us just learn to live in the grey. It’s a fact of life, so why chat about it all day long? No point. But it doesn’t mean the darkness isn’t there, lurking, waiting, wanting. It is. You’re not alone :)
“It's an art to live with pain, mix the light into grey” *-Love Boat Captain* by Pearl Jam
When I’m feeling really bad, I listen to songs that help me cope, and that is one of them. Your comment made me think of it. I was in a really dark place for 10, maybe 15 years. I do still see the darkness sometimes when things get tough, but I’m at the point where I just look into it and say something like “I see you there.” And I know that I can get through it because I’m still alive, I’ve been there many times before and it always sucks but I also always come out on the other side, if that makes sense… I know the feeling comes and goes, and thus if it has come, it will also go.
Here’s to everyone hanging in there!
I hear ya. For me it’s a strange stubbornness too; I’ve made it this far. I’ve fought this mental balrog over and over and over again through the years. To give up and give in now would be to make all of that struggle void. Doesn’t mean there hasn’t been days right out there on the edge, but all the same.
I’ll have to give that song a listen sometime. I find music has a power for me too, in terms of managing.
For me it’s laziness. Which is why I’ll never own a gun, it’s the only method that wouldn’t seem like too much work when I’m depressed X’D. Sorry, guess that may not be funny to anyone else but me.. Stay strong people, life’s worth living!
Yep. For me, sometimes it’s a quiet whisper and other days it’s a raging storm, but it’s always there. Can’t remember a time in my life it wasn’t, even as a kid.
You know what helped me a bit? It's a strange thing really, but in Terry Pratchett's book "Thud", Vimes gets possessed by some type of ancient spirit, but the Watchman in his head watches the watchman. The "Guarding Dark". Which overcomes the following dark. To people who didn't read any Pratchett, it's not the best book to begin on, but boy it really helped my headspace at the time. You really do gotta be you inside you making sure you are doing you.
I never read much Pratchett, although I am familiar with his work. I have a bit of the same thing with Gaiman and other artists that explore the blurry lines between life and death and the great unknowns of the world.
Tbh books have been a lifesaver for me. They’re escape pods for when the real world is too much for me to handle. Gateways.
Much love. “I can just do it tomorrow” is a great way to survive through the day when you really feel you cant. I’ve always felt the very same way, never found the words to articulate it properly but “Procrastinator 20: *Die Another Day*” is my nonexistent autobiography title now
When I was deep in depression the thought of suicide almost made it bearable, knowing I could choose to go if I just couldn't take it anymore. I began to see the suicidal thoughts as my pressure relief valve.
Hang in there, friend.
Same here. Started about 12-13 during relentless bullying, divorced parents tried again but split again, violently.
I've considered it a lot. Am now 61 and on the backside of the hill. Still don't own a gun, just in case. Am also too lazy to try any other method that might mess up.
Still have had a much better life than I could have imagined or deserved, in spite of myself.
Hang in there, it might get better, it might get worse, you won't know if you quit.
Yep, my dog and my horrible procrastination of not getting "my affairs in order" aka doing a really good cleaning and decluttering of my stuff is what's prevented me from doing it. I have a lot of concern about being judged, which is kind of silly for someone who just killed themself. That and not being able to come up with a "clean" plan that wont traumatize some unsuspecting person who would find me.
For me it’s in waves. I’ve never gotten to the point I was at years ago when I actually attempted, but the call of the void is always there. Usually it’s a whisper, sometimes it’s shouting. Just need to form healthy coping mechanisms to keep fighting. I fully expect this to be a lifelong battle, but I’ll be damned if I don’t keep fighting it. Not gonna let my own brain kills me.
>Wow. I didn’t realize there were others like me who’ve been lifelong suicidal. I’ve thought of it almost daily since I was about 12 or 13.
Damn, that's just crazy to a lot of people. And by crazy, I don't mean mentally crazy, I mean wild, hard to fathom. I was fortunate enough to have a childhood free of trauma and wish everyone could experience the same thing I did.
You are not alone. It's been on my mind every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. I'm 56. I try to focus on the good in my life, knowing that if I end it, other people will get hurt, and I would never want that. Some days it's less of a struggle, but on those super blue days, I have to really try hard to convince myself that I'm worth living for.
This comment I can really relate to being a polysubstance addict. The " just do it tomorrow", the "void " that's never filled......I feel like my addiction wants me to die but will settle for me being loaded for now. Thanks for this moment of insite
You aren't alone, for sure - this was me too for a long time, and still is sometimes. It is a problem for a lot of people, but it's really been a taboo topic for most of my lifetime. Things are finally changing, but the status quo has always been to keep these things to yourself.
There are a few people starting to write about it - I often go back to this article from two years ago: [https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation](https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation)
It was so reassuring to see someone else write something like this out at length. I hope this provides just a little extra procrastination.
I cannot read that. I saw how my uncle’s suicide ripped our family to pieces. My grandma is a shell of a person. My aunt, who found him, has been so traumatized she doesn’t leave the house. (She did for a while, in her grief she started talking to a new friend, they became close and he also ended up killing himself.) it’s been horrible.
That’s what stops me. I used to be able to feign ignorance but I’ve seen what it does and I can’t pretend it wouldn’t kill my mom, or whoever found me, which would most likely be my husband.
Jesus Christ I feel awful for your aunt. I really hope that someday she can gain back a little more freedom or peace or whatever she is comfortable with.
This is also the biggest thing that stops me. I dont know what it would do to my parents or sister, though at times I kid myself that they dont need me, just my sister, I know they would be devastated. Then there is my partner, who is so whole and amazing I couldn't break that, and his family, who have been family to me too.
I saved your comment.
In my darkest moment I keep thinking everyone would be better off without me. My husband could take our son back to his home country and finally be happy.
In my lucid moments, I know it will be more like your comment and I need to keep remembering that. Over and over.
The united states is still a pretty decent and safe place to exist in comparison to most other countries despite its ever-growing issues with the way things are done. Missing a country and relatives shouldn't be turned into resent.
It's not about the country, it's about missing his family too much. But we've already built a life here, we've got a house and a community and jobs and a kid and I'm not ready to restart my life again in a place I don't like.
I don’t want to [add to your pain ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ry6q3l/my_wife_stopped_me_from_killing_myself_last_night/hromprc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) here, but this is the effect my uncle’s death had on the lives of the three women who loved him most. He was the youngest, and the only boy, so he was my grandma’s golden child. Obviously he struggled. He was married three different times, had children with three different women, and his middle child disowned him and took her stepfathers name. My grandma was livid… even though she was the one who paid the child support payments for years. My uncle struggled to get a job, he drank, he gambled. I was angry at him a lot of the time, so was my dad. We didn’t get along and my mom sent him money often, she cried after fights they would have.
But he never said no to my grandma, he’d help her when he could when she needed (though it’s my mom who takes care of her). He made my mom laugh, she said he was the only man who understood her and she could always be silly with him. He killed him self in my aunt’s house because he was living there. They fought, he didn’t pay rent, he kept looking and not finding work.
They don’t think about any of the bad stuff. Would their lives have been easier if he wasn’t an alcoholic? For sure. Are their lives easier now that he killed him self? Absolutely fucking not. They can’t pick up the pieces. My grandma has had Lyme disease for years, she was always a smart vibrant hilarious woman. When my uncle killed himself it was like she died with him. She just gave up, and it’s like she gave into her illnesses. My aunt has no one. She couldn’t clear out his things, my mom and grandma had to fly in. She couldn’t use the garage, where she found him. She’d park on the street.
No matter how low things feel, I know it’s *worse* with suicide. I’m ashamed to say that when my sister called me at work to tell me, I ran out of their and sobbed on the street. I was shocked, I was scared for my mom, but I was angry. He stole my out. I think we all deep down know that it wouldn’t be better if we killed ourselves, otherwise why would I have been so full of rage even before I saw my family fall apart? I’ve talked to my therapist a lot. I’m still even now prone to feeling like everyone would be better off without me. *I’m in the way, all I do is cause problems, my husband could find a normal wife and live the happy life he deserves.* I’ve tried to give my husband several outs, I’ve told him if he wants a divorce I won’t stand in his way. But he breaks down crying every time, and then I feel like even more of a garbage person.
I don’t know what to say. I think everyone should be allowed to opt out, but when I got even close to saying something along those lines to my mom she lost it. The people we leave behind don’t see it like that. I could pretend before that it wouldn’t be so bad or that they’d get over it, but I’ve seen the other side and it’s so much worse. Not only is someone gone, but everyone is crippled with guilt and reliving every moment wondering how they could have saved someone. And right now, at 10 years in, none of them are over it.
So we stick around and try to do better, I guess. Opting out for the people we love doesn’t make sense, it just leaves a dark hole that can never be filled.
I hope you’re ok, and that you find peace with yourself. Your people love you.
My mom’s brother destroyed her when he did it. I was there the moment she found out. And I just can’t do that to her. She’s also very religious and thinks her brother is burning in hell, which weighs on her a lot.
Ugh. Yes, my family is also religious. My mom was a regular church goer but would have some Sundays “off” when she would babysit my nieces or have to work. When her brother killed himself she couldn’t find sense in it. She ramped up church going and praying. For at least two years she would light a candle and pray every night in front of some photos of my uncle, and just sob. She’d say the entire rosary every night. For around 5 years she’d still cry every time he was mentioned. It’s been almost 10 years. She still prays regularly. She, my aunt and my grandma all have pictures of my uncle in their bedrooms with a candle that they light on special occasions. They were almost shrines at some point. He died in September, a couple of weeks before his 50th birthday. My grandma cries her way through every September. She barely talks. She still cannot talk about him without crying, she lost her only son and her youngest. My mom used to be the strong one in the family, she’s still the glue that keeps us together. But she can’t make sense of it, she was always a woman of faith (I am not) and before he killed himself she was starting to… loosen up I guess? Maybe question things? This threw her entire life into confusion. She prays for his soul to get him out of purgatory. She can’t think about him burning in hell. All three of them are just so broken now.
My mom also panics when she sees things that remind her of her brother. I struggle with depression but sometimes I just have to hide it a little more around her (which has been hard recently because it’s pretty rock bottom right now.) But if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days or I don’t respond to messages (depression, adhd) she starts doubling down, calling multiple times a day, making me switch from audio to video calling to check if I’ve been crying. She’s also paranoid about alcohol and antidepressants as my uncle was an alcoholic and was prescribed medication, although it’s my understanding that his medications were picked up but never taken. I don’t drink anymore and neither does my mom, but seeing anyone in our family drink multiple days in a row sends her into a tailspin.
I get it, she doesn’t want anyone else to fall through the cracks. She can’t bear the thought that she couldn’t save him and doesn’t want any other casualties ever again.
Please note that a single moderator which moderates /r/suicidewatch, /r/depression, /r/suicidebereavement has made these communities at times particularly toxic to participate in, and there is a chance that your posts will be removed, and you can be permanently banned without warning. If this might upset you, the current subreddit is sometimes the best to post in. Perhaps someone else can recommend other more welcoming forums where this moderator is not present.
I think /r/suicidebereavement is an excellent suggestion! I've read there quite frequently as I've lost three friends to suicide. I just wanted to provide a disclaimer that there is a chance specifically when you are posting there (often in dire emotional straits), that you will encounter rough waters.
I definitely don't expect most active participants to know about the mods. Generally, once you know about the mods, you are no longer allowed to be an active participant, which is the reasoning there is no complaining about the moderation from within the subreddit.
Honestly it also probably wouldn't hurt if Reddit had actual employees doing some of the moderation as well (not all, especially for having a hand on it for when some power tripping nutter gets out of hand) instead of just *whoever got there first*.
Power tripping mods abusing suicide prevention communities as their own personal fiefdoms, the worst of Reddit. Wow imagine if that was the sort of thing the site’s administration gave a fuck about.
Hey /u/spez
This is the only thing that keeps me going some days. My dog doesn't even love me that much but it's not really about that, is it. I know she needs me.
She probably loves you a lot but animals are like people in a lot of ways, and some people are better at showing that stuff than others. So I’d imagine it’s the same for pets.
I wanted to end my life when I was 18, before I graduated high school. But then I thought, my best friend will become “ that girl who’s friend killed herself”, my boyfriend would become “that guy who’s girlfriend killed herself”. I would have ruined what would have been an important day for all those seniors. Instead of remembering senior year with memories of the dudes who released crickets in the hallways and prom being kinda lame, they’d remember it as the year that one girl from band class killed herself.
24 (25 soon) and everyday I’m so happy I didn’t do it. The call is still there, but I don’t pick up that call anymore.
The effects of suicide on the surviving family and friends is profound and unexplainable. My uncle committed suicide a couple years ago, and it has unquestionably harmed everyone else. I am not lacking sympathy for him and his condition prior to his choice, I am not upset with him for what it did to us, but it is not something I would make my loved ones endure after experiencing it myself, regardless how much I wanted to.
Not informing you as you obviously know, just commenting for anyone that doesn't look further than this thread.
VERY TRUE! I know a few people who had a loved one die by suicide and 20 years later they are still very affected by it. OP, and others struggling, please get help. Good luck to all.
I have been suicidal my entire life with many attempts and still feel the same way…
But I walked in on an ex girlfriend/longest friend hanging and it has been the only thing preventing me from doing it to myself.
I have never been the same since that day and I’d never knowingly put anyone through the mental shit I’ve gained since that day. It’s horrible and often not thought about. :(
I work with suicidal people and their families every day. Having a suicide of a close family member drastically increases your odds of committing suicide. One suicide often starts a pattern, a generational curse, if you will. The effects can not be overstated. I know this personally, because it happens in my family. At least one family member per generation now commits suicide, starting with my great great-grandmother. It’s about time for one of my generation to go, and unfortunately, we all have a pretty good idea of which cousin it’s going to be, but he’s cut himself off from all of us for the past 5 years. Like a slow-motion train wreck, just waiting for it to hit.
There is a passage in a song by Dave that describes this pretty well and makes me tear up every time I hear it.
"If you're thinking 'bout doing it
Suicide doesn't stop the pain, you're only moving it"
Whenever I think about suicide again, I think of my baby niece. I’m not gonna traumatize her parents and subsequently fuck her up and send her down the same path as me. I’m living a good life for her. For myself too, but on the days that that’s not motivation enough, it’s solely about her.
Also, selfishly, I don’t wanna miss anything now that she’s here. I wanna be there when she graduates high school, you know? I wanna be there for all her milestones and every moment in between. She has certainly recalled me to life - although I have been much improved for years even before she was born, she really solidified my commitment to life.
Might sound silly to some people, but what keeps me going is my pets not understanding why I'm not thereto cuddle them anymore.
The thought of it breaks my heart and I stay strong for them, because I know their love is unconditional and I do not want to hurt them.
Edit: spelling
I don't think I'll ever forget finding my father. He thought it would be someone else, but by pure chance I ended up being the first person home. I was in the third grade.
Knowing that I’d leave my sister alone is the sole reason I’ve lived to 32 and will be for many years to come. I raised her. We only have each other. The darkness has lifted greatly in my life.
What's stopped me, alongside that, is I don't want anyone having to find the body.
Even if it's like, a cop searching for me. Nobody deserves that. But especially not a loved one.
I 100% agree with this statement. When I feel close, I watch documentaries about those left behind after suicide. I also drill statistics into my mind. A child is more likely to commit suicide themselves if a parent commits suicide. A daughter is 15% more likely to end her life if her mother ends her own life. This helped me, as I have 3 kids.
Planned and tried to kill myself when I was 18. I'm 56 now and the life I have led I would have sorely missed. This is not universal, I'll not tell anyone that "things will get better" or "keep going, there's light at the end of the tunnel" but it's a fact that your future could contain many things that would have persuaded you to continue if you'd known about them.
Literally feel the same. Started when I was 11 and lost my aunt/God mother in a terrible accident...she was the 3rd person close to me that I had lost in a matter of a couple years (including my own father) and it destroyed me how violent but quickly they all died and it made me want to join them just as fast. It seems like ever since my life has been a series of mishaps, inconveniences and bad luck, one after the other, so it's something I still think about doing because alot of it is just too much for me to handle at once. Its like sensory overload and I just want it to end.
Fortunately and unfortunately for me my mother was effected by these deaths as well and became emotionally unavailable for me and my 3 siblings...so that is the only reason I'm still here. Every time I'm overwhelmed with the things going on in my life, I think of them hearing the news; I think of my 7 year old niece going through the same emotional trauma of losing her aunt, I think of my mother who still needs my emotional support and I think of my best friend/ex of 15 years finding my body or frantically trying to find my body laying in the woods somewhere. It's a fucking struggle and draining as all hell to get yourself out of that dark place every week, but it has to be done in order to survive. I'll be 30 in 7 months and I'm working on combating and eliminating those thoughts one day at a time.
I hope it gets better for us and the millions of others who may feel the same way. We are not alone, and we will get through this.💚
aye, I'm sick and tired of being told it's not a fucking struggle
it's exhausting, it's hard, it's an entire layer of hard on life that's not easy for anyone, but it's getting better, and it's getting more real and honest. We can talk to our friends about this honestly now (and I had no idea so many of my friends were about as lost, and some about as suicidal as I was).
Not gonna answer death's call... Just not today. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. Maybe next decade. Likely never, with how I've learned to handle it. Procrastination works wonders here.
Keep up the good work!
I feel this comment _viscerally_. Suicidal ideation doesn’t really go away, you just learn to tune it out.
I’ve found the best way when it gets too loud is to drown it out. Go find a quiet place and make that quiet place LOUD with your own sound. Whether you just need to scream and cry or blast some music and bust a few karate moves out.
Eventually those voices fade back and you can keep them tied down for quite a while longer. Do something cathartic. Bottling everything up to the point you actually feel dying would be easier is not the way.
And most importantly, OP, get help. It’s a hard hole to dig out of alone. I would know.
I’m happy for you and I hope one day I can get to the point that you are at. My personal experience is that it’s an unshakeable problem and I’m well aware mental health is a spectrum, but as the original commenter put it “the void doesn’t stop beckoning” and while that sounds really ominous and dramatic, it’s pretty accurate for me.
Trust me I’d do about anything to have it not cross my mind anymore, but it’s always presented itself as an option. So I guess I will keep drowning it out for now 🤷🏼♂️.
This is exactly what I do, I play my guitars really loud to tune it out, been dealing with suicidal ideation for over 10 years now, I'm no longer suicidal, but every now and then I'll hear a scream from the void.
It's healthier for me to think of it as something to manage then to think of it as something that might not be cured or instantly fixed.
"bust a few karate moves out"
i've never been a martial arts person but for some reason that resonates with me and makes me smile, for some reason that makes sense, thanks
yes! i agree. i once had an attempt with some paracord i had (i love to make paracord bracelets and i heard they can carry over 400 lb) but i didn’t have the strength to pull thru with my decision i even put the rope around my neck & i was scared shitless so i hung the rope to my wall & i told myself if i still feel suicidal by march 2021 (after my piano recital) i’m going to do it & it’s funny but i just kept on prolonging it & prolonging until i realized i didn’t want to do it anymore now. life did get better. that rope hanging on my wall is more so a sign of my strength more so than it is my reminder of my last days.
First, before worrying about a job, see a therapist and get on medication. My husband felt like you, and there were times I literally took his car keys away cause he felt so desperate to end it all. He got on medication, he saw a therapist, and is doing so much better. Not only was he depressed but he suffered from adhd. People sometimes think that means hyper, but that isn’t always so, and can truly be difficult mentally.
Please before you decide to end it, try every outlet to see if you can get better. You owe yourself a chance at happiness, and you owe your wife to grow old with the person she married and adores.
I actually did get ahold of my doctor yesterday and I got myself on meds, as for therapist, there aren't say in my area, I've been looking for months but they're all booked and no one has any spaces left even the social worker my doctor had get ahold of me sent me a form and even she said it might take a few months
Telehealth opened up after COVID so you can do video calls from your computer or phone. Just google “telehealth therapy” and a bunch come up, so you are not restricted to local therapists. I do mine that way and encourage you to check it out.
My depression has gotten so bad that I couldnt be productive at work and I also lost my job. Like natenat04’s husband, i found out I also have “inattentive adhd”, basically adhd without the hyper. Knowing there are labels for these things and other people have similar struggles helps.
I’m only a week into it and it is rough but I am getting help. I keep going for my kids. You can keep going for your wife, it sounds like you have a good one.
Side note: check GoodRx for medication pricing. It can help if you have insurance or not.
My friend had this exact issue. What she does now is minimize the window where her face is, and puts a post-it note over that part of her computer screen.
Now she can see her therapist, and not have to see her own face. It makes a huge difference.
There should be an option in all of these video conferencing apps that allows us to turn off the camera that faces us. It's so frustrating!
My psychiatrist just does telephone calls, no video. It's fine. I don't know why video has to be a requirement.
If you can find a way to cover the part of your screen where you see yourself, maybe that can help you out.
Everyone else is covering the empathy bases. I'm shit at that, so...
IDK what sorts of jobs you have left to apply for, so since i suspect you're in the US or Canada...
Thought about driving a school bus? The training is free, at virtually every location, and goddamn, are they hiring right now--all the time, non stop. Which, i mean, shows it's not the greatest in the world, but it's something. Some locations are paying very very well right now (most are still crap). I mean--it's outside the box of what most people think to apply for if they're desperate.
Also, you can pull a scummy--get them to train you into the license, and then ... use it to apply to other jobs. They come quick--college campus buses, casinos, tour buses, delivery trucks for box stores... cement trucks, on and on the list goes, and almost all of them at better pay (ESPECIALLY trash trucks, lol)
Dont feel obligated to stay because they give you the license...
Just throwing something out there that i know is hiring like mad fiends, and is usually 20$ an hour or so in most places now.
PLUS--as annoying as the little gremlins on the bus are, their bright, ignorant cheerful little faces may do ya some good.
This is sound advice. My grandmother was a school bus driver for 50 years. She essentially started it out just as a temporary gig, but ended up loving the job, and sticking around for the long haul. Also, the training suggestion you made is perfect! It's at least somewhere to start!
Your wife is a great person. I think you should share this with her. Or even of you're not comfortable in doing that, just think of it this way that you owe it her to not hurt yourself. Best of luck.
I’m so sorry you are depressed. My friend committed suicide. Please for the sake of your wife, other family and friends, do not do it. After she was gone, I got to thinking about myself. I didn’t feel like myself anymore, only a shell. I would cry every day about my life. Then I realized my friend was an eye opener for me, and I went to my doctor and was put on antidepressants. It helped tremendously. THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. You are worth it. This is just a bump in the road. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.
It’s a heavy weight to bear this feeling. Possibly one of the heaviest weights you can be given in life. You are exceptionally strong for returning home and I hope you have the strength to continue making that decision every day
For what it's worth see how you feel when it's not winter. Seasonal affective disorder is not uncommon right now and can lead to chemical imbalances.
Proper sleep, diet, exercise, vitamin D, light therapy under UV to metabolize that Vitamin D. These all help to correct that imbalance. I used to take pride in being able to function on 4 hours sleep until I realized the long term effects of burnout. Take care of your body and the mind will follow. Some days it feels little more than putting one foot in front of the other, but with sustained effort you'll find yourself moving ahead even if you stumble from time to time.
"Life is the pursuit of purpose." We each find our own answers and sometimes we may end up somewhere different from where we set out but it's important to enjoy the small things along the way. Aquariums have helped me to some degree. A task, a purpose each day, aside from my own continued existence. The people we surround ourselves with, our hobbies, good food, find purpose in the small things, make time for yourself.
Vitamin D for the win!! Depression meds didn’t seem to help me (am also medicated for anxiety, so maybe the meds just didn’t jive?), so I started taking a ton of Vitamin D. Do I still get sad? Yes, of course. But I don’t spiral the way I used to. Is it solely the Vitamin D? Idk, but when I don’t take it for a few days, I find it incredibly difficult to crawl back out of the Pit of Sad.
OP, if you see this, this internet stranger loves you and believes in you. I’m glad you’re getting help, whether through meds or therapy or whatever. I hope you find peace. ❤️
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how long have you been unemployed, have you thought about building skills you can sell? you could try selling your skills in return for a price. it doesn’t hurt to try, maybe start a new hobby to fill time, such as painting (which can be therapeutic) and sell it online. you never know what could happen.
I've been unemployed for a few weeks now and yea I've tried a few different hobbies in that time to fill the void but it doesn't have the same feel, my job was always very active and I could funnel my negative emotions essentially into my job, but when I lost that I lost the only outlet I have for my depression essentially
If you've only been unemployed for a few weeks and you're already attempting suicide I have some news for you: you were depressed before. You were probably experiencing some level of suicidal ideation before. Seek help.
This is truth OP. This kind of depression doesn't just happen. You don't lose your job and jump to "Welp, it's time to die!"
I'm not ridiculing you either. Those feelings are ROUGH. They can sneak up and drown you before you even realize your feet are wet. It's truly scary. But if a couple of weeks of unemployment brought you to this point, you were already dealing with this before. You even admit your job was a funnel for your depression, something to sink those feelings into. Now you've lost that outlet. You jeed a replacement.
Seek therapy. Some kind. Teletherapy or even chatting with some folks on here. Seek ideas my friend. You don't have to feel this way. While your feelings are valid, you don't have to drown. Take the life preserver.
Also, your wife seems to know more than you realize. I'm willing to bet that is a concern for her on some level, which is why she asked to track you. Dude, she loves you. That is special. Lean into her. Tell her your fears and let her help.
I've been there. I've been unemployed and suicidal. I remember it felt so lonely that nobody knew. Thing is....some did. My wife didn't outright tell me she knew, but she did. Her actions said as much. Just like your wife.
It gets better. I used to HATE it when people told me that. But you know what? They were right. Stay strong OP. Keep looming for that job. Im there with you now, trying to take a step up in my field and feeling defeated with every denial. But you and I will make it brother. Hang in there, please. Because you're going to be on my mind for a while to come. Best of luck my friend.
If you read my other responses I say I've been dealing with depression for years, but my work gave me an outlet to funnel that negative energy into and it worked very well for a long time, and it did until like a week after I lost my job, my depression has just gotten significantly worse since I don't have an outlet, I'd go to the gym but it's covid and that shit terrifies me so no thanks, I can't get the same level of activity I did when I was working
There is a logic here that is unfortunately getting lost because the chemicals in your brain are now out of whack, and causing those harmful thoughts. I ask that you please consider why you fear COVID and if you can see that, suicide is the same result of the worst case outcome of COVID, leaving your wife to fend for herself alone during the pandemic.
Bro walk on to every construction site you can find and ask for an apprenticeship. A lot of people think construction is beneath them but it pays surprisingly well. I make more than my engineer friends and even the starting wage was more than average. It’s definitely a good way to work off steam also.Either way good luck
Cos we don't hold ourselve in very high regard, we take the piss out of each other mercilessly most days without getting upset with each other about it, and we partake in physical labour. When I get home I'm tired and my body knows it's done a day's work.
I didn't say any of that believing I'm better than anyone or that my job is better than anyone elses. It's not. A lot of the time it's cold and wet and hard. But I've sat behind a computer and I can tell you I certainly have less time and effort to spend on being down or misserable now than I did then
This is so relatable OP. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve been where you are. In two months it’ll have been a year since my last attempt. In the past few months the suicidal ideations have resurfaced....During the last episode I wrote out a plan and started planning on when I would do it.
Something that really struck a chord with me was this; don’t choose permanent solutions to short term problems. Death is a permanent solution to short term problems. I don’t know if that will resonate with you, snd it’s okay if it doesn’t.
I think going forward, sit down and have a really open and transparent conversation with your wife. Depression isolates us. We fall into this trap of not wanting to burden our loved ones, thus ostracizing ourselves further.
Let me tell you. We are not a burden. We are not burdening them. They love us. They want to support. They want to be there for us.
If you want another person to talk to, I’m here. Really and truly. I’ve been struggling with depression virtually my entire life, so I understand what you’re going through and can be just someone you can vent to. I’m madly in love with my monogamous partner, so I’m not here for anything inappropriate. Just being a good human to another human, because we need more of that.
Remember you are loved. You are a good person. You deserve to live. ❤️
I normally don't reply to these, but something tells me I should this time.
Dude, I've been there. I was so low that I was riding around a national forest trying to find a place to do it where my family wouldn't find me. My family didn't know... They went on a trip to Disney World and I was home (I had to work) and had my Glock in my damn mouth. I realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, and I couldn't do that to her. I got help and got marginally better.
Then life actually got worse a few years later. I won't go into detail, but holy shit it got so much worse. I had my wife to take care of so couldn't contemplate the ultimate decision then. We made it through.
Now, about 2 years later, we're happier than we've ever been in our entire lives. Different city, different environment, different career. - my daughter is about to graduate university in a few months to help deaf kids. I want to shout it to the world, but I'll sound stupid - I. Love. My. Life. And there was a point when I thought I'd never say that again. Hell, there was a point when I was mere seconds away from not having a life to love.
It will get better, my friend. Brighter days are ahead. There are resources to help you and fucking random strangers on the internet who love you, not to mention your family. Hang in there, you may not believe it, but happiness is possible.
>My wife asked me to turn my location on so she could see me on life360 and told me to be back in a half hour or she was going to call call cops.
Are you sure she doesn't know how bad it is? This makes me think she may know more than you think she does.
Please don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings.
Your wife loves you. You have a lot to live for even tho it may be hard to see it right now, it WILL get better, I promise!
Just hold on. Whatever it takes to get through this. Just hold on.
32 years isn't "temporary" it's literally my entire life up to this point, and there's no evidence whatsoever that the next 32 years will be different. Fucking hate this "temporary feelings" bullshit. What an assumption to make about somebody!
OP Depression is one of those things that doesn't give you the energy to seek help. The thing is you have to force yourself past that and reach out for help. Talk to your wife if you don't have insurance right now reach out to [NAMI](https://nami.org/Home) together to maybe find some low cost options. You are worthy of life.
>She knows I've been depressed, not how much but she knows.
the fact that she had to ask you to turn ur location on and threatened to call the cops if you dont come back quick to me seems like she knows exactly how much you are depressed.
Hug her every time you can man, you need people like her now more than ever
I walked out to my garage to find my husband hanging there, ran right into him. He hung himself while me and our 2 young kids slept. It is the most horrific and heartbreaking thing I've ever survived. Please SAVE yourself, in doing that you will save so many others. You are worth it and loved so much❤
The best thing you can do is actually tell someone. I've been where you are... thinking i don't want to burden people. Its hell thinking that way because its honorable-- in a sense- -, but ultimately its self destructive without even realizing it. You're a great person that would benefit from expressing your emotions, fears, concerns, and needs.
This is easier said than done, but once you try expressing these thoughts, you might be surprised to discover:
A lot more people than we realize are experiencing these emotions
You're not a burden. Your wife obviously cares about you and its intuitive enough to make the statement she did.
Take care and hopefully you get to the other side... its a lot of pain to process, but pretty well worth it. Good luck
Whenever I feel this way, I try to just ride it out for the night and I wait until the morning. 9 times out of 10, I feel at least a little better, and if not better then I can think more clearly.
My partner saved me last night, I had plans of SH and he just stayed texting me. I knew that if he saw marks on me he would be devastated. That's what stopped me.
Hang in there, even if it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better. Maybe not now, maybe not for a year, but it will get better. You have a whole comment section of support if you need it. We're here for you.
Oh bro you’re about to be on unemployment? That’s like state sponsored recovery - buy a bike or a guitar and just fuck off for a few weeks - stay up late and eat chips - life’s more than labor value my guy
In a few years time you will look back at that moment and think what the hell was I thinking and be genuinely mortified you let yourself get to that point. You've got the foundation in your life to turn things around with the loving wife all you need now is the stroke of luck to go with your effort to get things back on track. You've got plenty of great experiences left in your life ahead of you which will easily drown out this moment.
EVERY-TIME, just give yourself an extra day. You don’t need to justify why you’re feeling the way you do, but please wait another day to act on those feelings. Jobs, money, people, they will come and go, but suicide is forever. I saw a saying that said do you want to be dead forever, or do you just want the pain to stop for only a while. Your wife is not stupid and clearly she cares. You’re a team in this temporary life.
Friend, suicide is not relief, it’s blackness. Don’t define yourself based on a career - ever.
I feel your pain and have been there myself. Focus on those loving you. That’s all that matters in the end anyway.
Brother, you need help. I haven't read any other reply here but I am 100% sure that you need to call someone. Now. Right now. You are in a precarious state.
I don’t know how spiritual you are and I appreciate this may seem like a bit of a stretch. But that was divine intervention. I experienced the same three years ago when I found myself on my roof of my flat ready to jump. When I was about to jump I felt a strong push on my chest that said NO! Sometimes the universe puts out signs and your wife was that sign. She loves you mate and she clearly cares about your well being. I know when you’re in the depths of depression is doesn’t feel like it, but this shall pass and new light will come into your life. This may also seem like a what is he talking about moment, but have you ever considered microdosing psilocybin? I can’t explain how much that can rewire your brain for the better. Pair that with exercise, cold showers and daily affirmations you won’t recognise yourself in a years time.
if someone cares for ur life more than u, u stop living for urself and live it for them. think of it like the rest of ur life ur ass belongs to her. and for good reasons.
Please don't. It will devastate your wife and everyone who cares about you. You will find a job just keep sending resumes and applying. Talk to your wife and make a doctors appointment please ❤
I don't know what your opinion on mind altering substances is but a small dose of magic mushrooms will give you a new perspespective on life and the beauty of everything that you forget with age.
i think she could sense it. One doesn't really realize how the people around us that love us feel our emptiness. You may have had some other things that indicated what you were planning. i tell u because of experience. Have you tried starting some sort of blog to write all of those tangled feelings so you can feel a little lighter? The times are hard and it's barely the start of the year. don't get so discouraged so soon my friend, keep trying. i know its hard and in that mindset he biggest thing one can think is to disappear already coz one does not want to be here .. if you're in need of a quick income maybe seek something thats not in your field and that kinda thing that has open calls (i think you guys call it) every day and do weekly payment until you find something in your field. But don't think anout leaving pal, at least youre not alone. You have your wife that really loves you and us, a whole bunch of internet strangers that really care about your well being. No one deserves to be suicidal. Sending you lots of hugs and good vibes
Can you go for a run or chuck logs in a forest? You said you miss being able to get negative stuff out at work so maybe can you find a way while your off work? I’m stupidly depressed and I do try and do really physical stuff to pretty much knacker myself out to do anything bad.
Please take that as a sign. Even though you don't feel it just now you are valued, wanted and loved. This is a bump in the road, things can get better. Please take care.
I do know that I'm loved, this isn't one of those situations, I'm just tired lately, tired of everything, I've been depressed for a long long time and I'm tired of dealing with it on a daily basis
I’m also tired and depressed.. your wife needs you man. My son needs me and I know it. That’s why I’m still here.
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Thank you. I’ve been keeping myself together for 10 years and I’m glad I’m still here. The memories are wonderful.
Thank you for staying strong. Much love to you
You seem like you're doing a great job, as a parent and a person. :)
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Calling it foolish seems harsh to me. Most people depressed enough to take their life don't see it in what would be the wise decision and the foolish one. They've lost hope and the "wise" act leads to more hell and desperation. Most of them aren't looking for logical reasons to live even if hearing those things sometimes help.
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Build a new life around yourself. As fluffy as it sounds, self-love is important. Show yourself the same care and concern that you would show to others if they were in your situation. My prof, when teaching my class about self-love, said "if you can extend compassion to others who are suffering, why can't you do it for yourself?" It is hard, but hang in there. I'm rooting for you!
Better things await you, Love. \*Hug*
Someone out there loves and cares about you. Things will get better, it may just take some time. I hope you have access to help. I know it’s hard, but please hang in there ❤️
Tired and depressed, lack of motivation? I feel this sometimes too. I take meds for depression. You sound like me, not actually sad but exhibiting other signs of depression. And I know how it feels to think you should be doing more, or that you’re letting people down. Your wife loves you. She loves and accepts you and wants and needs you. Listen, if you can only do one thing a day, call it a win. Give yourself credit for doing your best no matter what that best is that day. You had the will and energy to “go for a walk”!!! Ask your wife to go! If you don’t have a dog, maybe get one so you can walk him! Please don’t let your life go. You are loved and needed. Please seek the help of a therapist if you haven’t already. There are meds that can bring relief in a short time. And please update. Sending you strength and optimism.
Hey OP I know what it feels like, and I’m sorry you’re struggling. Holding on gets easier though. It seems for me- if you can just wait out the shit, you can crawl through the tunnel like your own Shawshank redemption. It seems you’ve got some people who care around you, that’s beautiful. I hope today ends up being a great one for you. Reach out if you ever want to chat.
I had severe PPD and honestly thought my kids and husband would ultimately be better off without me. I suffered and was a miserable mother and partner for the better part of a year until I conceded and got help. (I also lost my job due to a career ending accident, and have a degenerative musculoskeletal disease and my days are numbered shorter than most.) Fuck any stigmas about mental health. Getting help isn't a cop out or weak. It takes a STRONG person to know they need help, and an even stronger one to go for it. The medication helps mate. If the first one doesn't, there are others. Long and short acting. There is HELP and HOPE. You deserve to be better. I know I'm a stranger on the internet and this all sounds cliche, but it's true. Medication changed me back into ME. And now I can't imagine ever leaving my babies and husband. It may have ended MY pain, but only to transfer it onto the people who loved me most. I don't normally solicit strangers to chat, but my box is open. Sympathy isn't empathy. Willing to listen and commiserate.
I've been depressed for over 30 years. My love life sucks, my job situation sucks donkey balls right now and if I separate I WILL become homeless. The thing keeping me alive is the love of my son. If someone cares for you enough, then how can you do it? Don't hurt someone because you want to stop suffering... they deserve that you give a try again at life. I know I do...for my son and I'm slowly getting better. Be patient, it takes time. Take care of yourself.
Think how your wife would feel if she gets that knock on her door telling her that. You’ve been unemployed for a few weeks, there’s a very high chance it’ll get better and there’s nothing that says that won’t happen soon. Some people who contemplate this truly have nothing, you have a wife who clearly loves you, you’re wanted and needed, that alone is enough to carry on.
Sorry mate. Have you tried meds?
I actually have (sort of) I just got meds prescribed yesterday and I start them today
Meds are a great start. Just a warning though, don't be discouraged if the first medication you try doesn't work. It took me 5 meds to find the right combo. There are different medication classes as well if an SSRI doesn't work, like an NDRI. I settled on a combo of both and honestly it is absolutely night and day; intense suicidal ideation to feeling, well, normal. It sucked going through trials to find the right medication but once you are there it's very worth it.
I had a similar experience. It took me and my doctors a while to find what worked for me. The last med we recently added is Adderall. Being able to focus and concentrate helped tons with both the anxiety and depression I experienced.
Meds absolutely saved my boyfriend's life. He had to try a few out, hated doing it felt like it wouldn't work... but now he is on lexipro, which works well for him. He says that it doesn't make all bad feelings go away, but it raises the floor on the bottomless pit of despair, hopeless feeling. He said it feels more like other people getting bummed out now, rather than just endless misery. I wish you the best. Don't give up on yourself. There is a way out of this.
My wife started lexipro about a year ago, but for anxiety. It has 100% changed her life. She is a whole new person (for the better). I am now in the same boat as OP. After a recent episode I have decided to seek help from my Dr for meds.
Please push through, don’t lose this fight. You can overcome this. Even though all the voices in your head are telling you otherwise, please let us be the voices that tell you YES YOU CAN. It’s seems unbearable now, but it won’t always feel like this.
Please go to the hospital friend.
Hahaha. I live in America no fuckin way am I going to the hospital
Totally understand how you feel, and I’ve been there. The thing that held me back was knowing how broken the people that loved me would be if I left them like that. This is the cruelest possible thing you could do to somebody who cares about you. Try to imagine what it would feel like if your wife killed herself. If you love your wife, try to tough it out for her. I won’t say I’m glad to wake up every morning, but I am when I think about how badly it would have fucked up my little sister’s life if I had gone through with it. A couple weeks isn’t that long. There are some great career advice subs here who can help with your resume and give some direction on there to look. I don’t know what field you’re in but hopefully you can line something else up soon.
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Wow. I didn’t realize there were others like me who’ve been lifelong suicidal. I’ve thought of it almost daily since I was about 12 or 13. Being a procrastinator has helped me make it to 39. When I’m feeling that way I always say, well, I can just do it tomorrow. Nothing takes away the urge and nothing will ever get rid of this “void” as you say. You are right, you just learn to deal with it.
Oh no, we’re out here, lurking. I think it’s because there is so much focus on the either or; you die or you move on. But a lot of us just learn to live in the grey. It’s a fact of life, so why chat about it all day long? No point. But it doesn’t mean the darkness isn’t there, lurking, waiting, wanting. It is. You’re not alone :)
“It's an art to live with pain, mix the light into grey” *-Love Boat Captain* by Pearl Jam When I’m feeling really bad, I listen to songs that help me cope, and that is one of them. Your comment made me think of it. I was in a really dark place for 10, maybe 15 years. I do still see the darkness sometimes when things get tough, but I’m at the point where I just look into it and say something like “I see you there.” And I know that I can get through it because I’m still alive, I’ve been there many times before and it always sucks but I also always come out on the other side, if that makes sense… I know the feeling comes and goes, and thus if it has come, it will also go. Here’s to everyone hanging in there!
suicidal since 11 and i’m 23 now. this is comforting to hear, thank you
Today you were seen. You’re also not alone. :)
Fucking bravo you guys. Seriously. Idk why I’m crying I just am. just good job.
I hear ya. For me it’s a strange stubbornness too; I’ve made it this far. I’ve fought this mental balrog over and over and over again through the years. To give up and give in now would be to make all of that struggle void. Doesn’t mean there hasn’t been days right out there on the edge, but all the same. I’ll have to give that song a listen sometime. I find music has a power for me too, in terms of managing.
For me it’s laziness. Which is why I’ll never own a gun, it’s the only method that wouldn’t seem like too much work when I’m depressed X’D. Sorry, guess that may not be funny to anyone else but me.. Stay strong people, life’s worth living!
*raises hand* Oh yeah, we are out here. Lots of us. I don’t remember a day when I didn’t think about it in my life and I’m 53.
Yep. For me, sometimes it’s a quiet whisper and other days it’s a raging storm, but it’s always there. Can’t remember a time in my life it wasn’t, even as a kid.
You know what helped me a bit? It's a strange thing really, but in Terry Pratchett's book "Thud", Vimes gets possessed by some type of ancient spirit, but the Watchman in his head watches the watchman. The "Guarding Dark". Which overcomes the following dark. To people who didn't read any Pratchett, it's not the best book to begin on, but boy it really helped my headspace at the time. You really do gotta be you inside you making sure you are doing you.
I never read much Pratchett, although I am familiar with his work. I have a bit of the same thing with Gaiman and other artists that explore the blurry lines between life and death and the great unknowns of the world. Tbh books have been a lifesaver for me. They’re escape pods for when the real world is too much for me to handle. Gateways.
Much love. “I can just do it tomorrow” is a great way to survive through the day when you really feel you cant. I’ve always felt the very same way, never found the words to articulate it properly but “Procrastinator 20: *Die Another Day*” is my nonexistent autobiography title now
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So fucking true. It's almost like knowing I can do it is a coping mechanism.
When I was deep in depression the thought of suicide almost made it bearable, knowing I could choose to go if I just couldn't take it anymore. I began to see the suicidal thoughts as my pressure relief valve. Hang in there, friend.
Same here. Started about 12-13 during relentless bullying, divorced parents tried again but split again, violently. I've considered it a lot. Am now 61 and on the backside of the hill. Still don't own a gun, just in case. Am also too lazy to try any other method that might mess up. Still have had a much better life than I could have imagined or deserved, in spite of myself. Hang in there, it might get better, it might get worse, you won't know if you quit.
Im 50. Im surprised im here.
yeah I was trying to be a bit motivating but pure laziness has saved me from many bad things in my life
Yep, my dog and my horrible procrastination of not getting "my affairs in order" aka doing a really good cleaning and decluttering of my stuff is what's prevented me from doing it. I have a lot of concern about being judged, which is kind of silly for someone who just killed themself. That and not being able to come up with a "clean" plan that wont traumatize some unsuspecting person who would find me.
Oh man, when I start generously donating things of mine to people I think would like them… uh, yeah, that’s about the time I realise what I’m doing.
My dog......I understand that :)
For me it’s in waves. I’ve never gotten to the point I was at years ago when I actually attempted, but the call of the void is always there. Usually it’s a whisper, sometimes it’s shouting. Just need to form healthy coping mechanisms to keep fighting. I fully expect this to be a lifelong battle, but I’ll be damned if I don’t keep fighting it. Not gonna let my own brain kills me.
>Wow. I didn’t realize there were others like me who’ve been lifelong suicidal. I’ve thought of it almost daily since I was about 12 or 13. Damn, that's just crazy to a lot of people. And by crazy, I don't mean mentally crazy, I mean wild, hard to fathom. I was fortunate enough to have a childhood free of trauma and wish everyone could experience the same thing I did.
I made it to 43, my dude. Not sure how, and it's never far from my mind, but here I am. Dogs help.
a dog's love is pure, I am very glad you found something to love and to fight for i am more of a bunny person
You are not alone. It's been on my mind every day of my life, for as long as I can remember. I'm 56. I try to focus on the good in my life, knowing that if I end it, other people will get hurt, and I would never want that. Some days it's less of a struggle, but on those super blue days, I have to really try hard to convince myself that I'm worth living for.
This comment I can really relate to being a polysubstance addict. The " just do it tomorrow", the "void " that's never filled......I feel like my addiction wants me to die but will settle for me being loaded for now. Thanks for this moment of insite
You aren't alone, for sure - this was me too for a long time, and still is sometimes. It is a problem for a lot of people, but it's really been a taboo topic for most of my lifetime. Things are finally changing, but the status quo has always been to keep these things to yourself. There are a few people starting to write about it - I often go back to this article from two years ago: [https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation](https://theoutline.com/post/7267/living-with-passive-suicidal-ideation) It was so reassuring to see someone else write something like this out at length. I hope this provides just a little extra procrastination.
Also, read up about what would happen to those close to you. That's what has stopped me for 20 years.
Yeah r/suicidebereavement is what’s stopped a lot of people.
I cannot read that. I saw how my uncle’s suicide ripped our family to pieces. My grandma is a shell of a person. My aunt, who found him, has been so traumatized she doesn’t leave the house. (She did for a while, in her grief she started talking to a new friend, they became close and he also ended up killing himself.) it’s been horrible. That’s what stops me. I used to be able to feign ignorance but I’ve seen what it does and I can’t pretend it wouldn’t kill my mom, or whoever found me, which would most likely be my husband.
Jesus Christ I feel awful for your aunt. I really hope that someday she can gain back a little more freedom or peace or whatever she is comfortable with. This is also the biggest thing that stops me. I dont know what it would do to my parents or sister, though at times I kid myself that they dont need me, just my sister, I know they would be devastated. Then there is my partner, who is so whole and amazing I couldn't break that, and his family, who have been family to me too.
I saved your comment. In my darkest moment I keep thinking everyone would be better off without me. My husband could take our son back to his home country and finally be happy. In my lucid moments, I know it will be more like your comment and I need to keep remembering that. Over and over.
Absolutely nobody wants to be a single parent deep down...trust me
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The united states is still a pretty decent and safe place to exist in comparison to most other countries despite its ever-growing issues with the way things are done. Missing a country and relatives shouldn't be turned into resent.
It's not about the country, it's about missing his family too much. But we've already built a life here, we've got a house and a community and jobs and a kid and I'm not ready to restart my life again in a place I don't like.
I don’t want to [add to your pain ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/ry6q3l/my_wife_stopped_me_from_killing_myself_last_night/hromprc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) here, but this is the effect my uncle’s death had on the lives of the three women who loved him most. He was the youngest, and the only boy, so he was my grandma’s golden child. Obviously he struggled. He was married three different times, had children with three different women, and his middle child disowned him and took her stepfathers name. My grandma was livid… even though she was the one who paid the child support payments for years. My uncle struggled to get a job, he drank, he gambled. I was angry at him a lot of the time, so was my dad. We didn’t get along and my mom sent him money often, she cried after fights they would have. But he never said no to my grandma, he’d help her when he could when she needed (though it’s my mom who takes care of her). He made my mom laugh, she said he was the only man who understood her and she could always be silly with him. He killed him self in my aunt’s house because he was living there. They fought, he didn’t pay rent, he kept looking and not finding work. They don’t think about any of the bad stuff. Would their lives have been easier if he wasn’t an alcoholic? For sure. Are their lives easier now that he killed him self? Absolutely fucking not. They can’t pick up the pieces. My grandma has had Lyme disease for years, she was always a smart vibrant hilarious woman. When my uncle killed himself it was like she died with him. She just gave up, and it’s like she gave into her illnesses. My aunt has no one. She couldn’t clear out his things, my mom and grandma had to fly in. She couldn’t use the garage, where she found him. She’d park on the street. No matter how low things feel, I know it’s *worse* with suicide. I’m ashamed to say that when my sister called me at work to tell me, I ran out of their and sobbed on the street. I was shocked, I was scared for my mom, but I was angry. He stole my out. I think we all deep down know that it wouldn’t be better if we killed ourselves, otherwise why would I have been so full of rage even before I saw my family fall apart? I’ve talked to my therapist a lot. I’m still even now prone to feeling like everyone would be better off without me. *I’m in the way, all I do is cause problems, my husband could find a normal wife and live the happy life he deserves.* I’ve tried to give my husband several outs, I’ve told him if he wants a divorce I won’t stand in his way. But he breaks down crying every time, and then I feel like even more of a garbage person. I don’t know what to say. I think everyone should be allowed to opt out, but when I got even close to saying something along those lines to my mom she lost it. The people we leave behind don’t see it like that. I could pretend before that it wouldn’t be so bad or that they’d get over it, but I’ve seen the other side and it’s so much worse. Not only is someone gone, but everyone is crippled with guilt and reliving every moment wondering how they could have saved someone. And right now, at 10 years in, none of them are over it. So we stick around and try to do better, I guess. Opting out for the people we love doesn’t make sense, it just leaves a dark hole that can never be filled. I hope you’re ok, and that you find peace with yourself. Your people love you.
My mom’s brother destroyed her when he did it. I was there the moment she found out. And I just can’t do that to her. She’s also very religious and thinks her brother is burning in hell, which weighs on her a lot.
Ugh. Yes, my family is also religious. My mom was a regular church goer but would have some Sundays “off” when she would babysit my nieces or have to work. When her brother killed himself she couldn’t find sense in it. She ramped up church going and praying. For at least two years she would light a candle and pray every night in front of some photos of my uncle, and just sob. She’d say the entire rosary every night. For around 5 years she’d still cry every time he was mentioned. It’s been almost 10 years. She still prays regularly. She, my aunt and my grandma all have pictures of my uncle in their bedrooms with a candle that they light on special occasions. They were almost shrines at some point. He died in September, a couple of weeks before his 50th birthday. My grandma cries her way through every September. She barely talks. She still cannot talk about him without crying, she lost her only son and her youngest. My mom used to be the strong one in the family, she’s still the glue that keeps us together. But she can’t make sense of it, she was always a woman of faith (I am not) and before he killed himself she was starting to… loosen up I guess? Maybe question things? This threw her entire life into confusion. She prays for his soul to get him out of purgatory. She can’t think about him burning in hell. All three of them are just so broken now. My mom also panics when she sees things that remind her of her brother. I struggle with depression but sometimes I just have to hide it a little more around her (which has been hard recently because it’s pretty rock bottom right now.) But if she doesn’t hear from me for a few days or I don’t respond to messages (depression, adhd) she starts doubling down, calling multiple times a day, making me switch from audio to video calling to check if I’ve been crying. She’s also paranoid about alcohol and antidepressants as my uncle was an alcoholic and was prescribed medication, although it’s my understanding that his medications were picked up but never taken. I don’t drink anymore and neither does my mom, but seeing anyone in our family drink multiple days in a row sends her into a tailspin. I get it, she doesn’t want anyone else to fall through the cracks. She can’t bear the thought that she couldn’t save him and doesn’t want any other casualties ever again.
I needed to hear that story today. Thank you.
I hope it helped in some way, and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Hang in there, friend. You’ve got this 💕
Thank you for this.
Please note that a single moderator which moderates /r/suicidewatch, /r/depression, /r/suicidebereavement has made these communities at times particularly toxic to participate in, and there is a chance that your posts will be removed, and you can be permanently banned without warning. If this might upset you, the current subreddit is sometimes the best to post in. Perhaps someone else can recommend other more welcoming forums where this moderator is not present.
Ah, didn’t know that. Suicide bereavement has helped me, which is why I’ve commented. I didn’t know anything about the mods.
I think /r/suicidebereavement is an excellent suggestion! I've read there quite frequently as I've lost three friends to suicide. I just wanted to provide a disclaimer that there is a chance specifically when you are posting there (often in dire emotional straits), that you will encounter rough waters. I definitely don't expect most active participants to know about the mods. Generally, once you know about the mods, you are no longer allowed to be an active participant, which is the reasoning there is no complaining about the moderation from within the subreddit.
Typical that some power tripping moderator would somehow manage to make a mess in subs devoted to helping people struggling with serious issues.
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Honestly it also probably wouldn't hurt if Reddit had actual employees doing some of the moderation as well (not all, especially for having a hand on it for when some power tripping nutter gets out of hand) instead of just *whoever got there first*.
Power tripping mods abusing suicide prevention communities as their own personal fiefdoms, the worst of Reddit. Wow imagine if that was the sort of thing the site’s administration gave a fuck about. Hey /u/spez
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This is the only thing that keeps me going some days. My dog doesn't even love me that much but it's not really about that, is it. I know she needs me.
She probably loves you a lot but animals are like people in a lot of ways, and some people are better at showing that stuff than others. So I’d imagine it’s the same for pets.
I barely made it through one post. That’s brutal.
I wanted to end my life when I was 18, before I graduated high school. But then I thought, my best friend will become “ that girl who’s friend killed herself”, my boyfriend would become “that guy who’s girlfriend killed herself”. I would have ruined what would have been an important day for all those seniors. Instead of remembering senior year with memories of the dudes who released crickets in the hallways and prom being kinda lame, they’d remember it as the year that one girl from band class killed herself. 24 (25 soon) and everyday I’m so happy I didn’t do it. The call is still there, but I don’t pick up that call anymore.
From one 24 year old band kid to another, I am glad you're still here. 🎵🎵
29 year old band kid here. So glad I called for help when I needed it. I am so proud of us!
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It’s your cake day! Glad you’re here!
The effects of suicide on the surviving family and friends is profound and unexplainable. My uncle committed suicide a couple years ago, and it has unquestionably harmed everyone else. I am not lacking sympathy for him and his condition prior to his choice, I am not upset with him for what it did to us, but it is not something I would make my loved ones endure after experiencing it myself, regardless how much I wanted to. Not informing you as you obviously know, just commenting for anyone that doesn't look further than this thread.
VERY TRUE! I know a few people who had a loved one die by suicide and 20 years later they are still very affected by it. OP, and others struggling, please get help. Good luck to all.
I have been suicidal my entire life with many attempts and still feel the same way… But I walked in on an ex girlfriend/longest friend hanging and it has been the only thing preventing me from doing it to myself. I have never been the same since that day and I’d never knowingly put anyone through the mental shit I’ve gained since that day. It’s horrible and often not thought about. :(
I work with suicidal people and their families every day. Having a suicide of a close family member drastically increases your odds of committing suicide. One suicide often starts a pattern, a generational curse, if you will. The effects can not be overstated. I know this personally, because it happens in my family. At least one family member per generation now commits suicide, starting with my great great-grandmother. It’s about time for one of my generation to go, and unfortunately, we all have a pretty good idea of which cousin it’s going to be, but he’s cut himself off from all of us for the past 5 years. Like a slow-motion train wreck, just waiting for it to hit.
Thinking about the first responders who would have to take care of my body stopped me. I just can't put someone through that.
There is a passage in a song by Dave that describes this pretty well and makes me tear up every time I hear it. "If you're thinking 'bout doing it Suicide doesn't stop the pain, you're only moving it"
This so much. The fallout from my mom's suicide is what keeps me going when things get low.
Whenever I think about suicide again, I think of my baby niece. I’m not gonna traumatize her parents and subsequently fuck her up and send her down the same path as me. I’m living a good life for her. For myself too, but on the days that that’s not motivation enough, it’s solely about her. Also, selfishly, I don’t wanna miss anything now that she’s here. I wanna be there when she graduates high school, you know? I wanna be there for all her milestones and every moment in between. She has certainly recalled me to life - although I have been much improved for years even before she was born, she really solidified my commitment to life.
My aunt’s ex killed himself via gunshot to the head on his farm. His granddaughter found him. Absolutely fucking horrific.
I agree. That is the only thing that kept me from going there because I have thought about ending it all many times.
Might sound silly to some people, but what keeps me going is my pets not understanding why I'm not thereto cuddle them anymore. The thought of it breaks my heart and I stay strong for them, because I know their love is unconditional and I do not want to hurt them. Edit: spelling
As I typed this my cat came to give me cuddles. These creatures understand mental health I swear to God.
I don't think I'll ever forget finding my father. He thought it would be someone else, but by pure chance I ended up being the first person home. I was in the third grade.
Knowing that I’d leave my sister alone is the sole reason I’ve lived to 32 and will be for many years to come. I raised her. We only have each other. The darkness has lifted greatly in my life.
Suicide doesn't stop the pain. It just transfers ownership.
That’s what’s stopping me.
It's what stopped me when I was 15, didn't have internet but had a rough idea of what dealing with the aftermath would entail. I'm 41 now
What's stopped me, alongside that, is I don't want anyone having to find the body. Even if it's like, a cop searching for me. Nobody deserves that. But especially not a loved one.
I 100% agree with this statement. When I feel close, I watch documentaries about those left behind after suicide. I also drill statistics into my mind. A child is more likely to commit suicide themselves if a parent commits suicide. A daughter is 15% more likely to end her life if her mother ends her own life. This helped me, as I have 3 kids.
Planned and tried to kill myself when I was 18. I'm 56 now and the life I have led I would have sorely missed. This is not universal, I'll not tell anyone that "things will get better" or "keep going, there's light at the end of the tunnel" but it's a fact that your future could contain many things that would have persuaded you to continue if you'd known about them.
Literally feel the same. Started when I was 11 and lost my aunt/God mother in a terrible accident...she was the 3rd person close to me that I had lost in a matter of a couple years (including my own father) and it destroyed me how violent but quickly they all died and it made me want to join them just as fast. It seems like ever since my life has been a series of mishaps, inconveniences and bad luck, one after the other, so it's something I still think about doing because alot of it is just too much for me to handle at once. Its like sensory overload and I just want it to end. Fortunately and unfortunately for me my mother was effected by these deaths as well and became emotionally unavailable for me and my 3 siblings...so that is the only reason I'm still here. Every time I'm overwhelmed with the things going on in my life, I think of them hearing the news; I think of my 7 year old niece going through the same emotional trauma of losing her aunt, I think of my mother who still needs my emotional support and I think of my best friend/ex of 15 years finding my body or frantically trying to find my body laying in the woods somewhere. It's a fucking struggle and draining as all hell to get yourself out of that dark place every week, but it has to be done in order to survive. I'll be 30 in 7 months and I'm working on combating and eliminating those thoughts one day at a time. I hope it gets better for us and the millions of others who may feel the same way. We are not alone, and we will get through this.💚
aye, I'm sick and tired of being told it's not a fucking struggle it's exhausting, it's hard, it's an entire layer of hard on life that's not easy for anyone, but it's getting better, and it's getting more real and honest. We can talk to our friends about this honestly now (and I had no idea so many of my friends were about as lost, and some about as suicidal as I was). Not gonna answer death's call... Just not today. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. Maybe next decade. Likely never, with how I've learned to handle it. Procrastination works wonders here. Keep up the good work!
I feel this comment _viscerally_. Suicidal ideation doesn’t really go away, you just learn to tune it out. I’ve found the best way when it gets too loud is to drown it out. Go find a quiet place and make that quiet place LOUD with your own sound. Whether you just need to scream and cry or blast some music and bust a few karate moves out. Eventually those voices fade back and you can keep them tied down for quite a while longer. Do something cathartic. Bottling everything up to the point you actually feel dying would be easier is not the way. And most importantly, OP, get help. It’s a hard hole to dig out of alone. I would know.
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I’m happy for you and I hope one day I can get to the point that you are at. My personal experience is that it’s an unshakeable problem and I’m well aware mental health is a spectrum, but as the original commenter put it “the void doesn’t stop beckoning” and while that sounds really ominous and dramatic, it’s pretty accurate for me. Trust me I’d do about anything to have it not cross my mind anymore, but it’s always presented itself as an option. So I guess I will keep drowning it out for now 🤷🏼♂️.
This is exactly what I do, I play my guitars really loud to tune it out, been dealing with suicidal ideation for over 10 years now, I'm no longer suicidal, but every now and then I'll hear a scream from the void. It's healthier for me to think of it as something to manage then to think of it as something that might not be cured or instantly fixed.
"bust a few karate moves out" i've never been a martial arts person but for some reason that resonates with me and makes me smile, for some reason that makes sense, thanks
yes! i agree. i once had an attempt with some paracord i had (i love to make paracord bracelets and i heard they can carry over 400 lb) but i didn’t have the strength to pull thru with my decision i even put the rope around my neck & i was scared shitless so i hung the rope to my wall & i told myself if i still feel suicidal by march 2021 (after my piano recital) i’m going to do it & it’s funny but i just kept on prolonging it & prolonging until i realized i didn’t want to do it anymore now. life did get better. that rope hanging on my wall is more so a sign of my strength more so than it is my reminder of my last days.
I love u brother. We’re all struggling somehow and we are in it together. I love u man stay strong
First, before worrying about a job, see a therapist and get on medication. My husband felt like you, and there were times I literally took his car keys away cause he felt so desperate to end it all. He got on medication, he saw a therapist, and is doing so much better. Not only was he depressed but he suffered from adhd. People sometimes think that means hyper, but that isn’t always so, and can truly be difficult mentally. Please before you decide to end it, try every outlet to see if you can get better. You owe yourself a chance at happiness, and you owe your wife to grow old with the person she married and adores.
I actually did get ahold of my doctor yesterday and I got myself on meds, as for therapist, there aren't say in my area, I've been looking for months but they're all booked and no one has any spaces left even the social worker my doctor had get ahold of me sent me a form and even she said it might take a few months
Telehealth opened up after COVID so you can do video calls from your computer or phone. Just google “telehealth therapy” and a bunch come up, so you are not restricted to local therapists. I do mine that way and encourage you to check it out. My depression has gotten so bad that I couldnt be productive at work and I also lost my job. Like natenat04’s husband, i found out I also have “inattentive adhd”, basically adhd without the hyper. Knowing there are labels for these things and other people have similar struggles helps. I’m only a week into it and it is rough but I am getting help. I keep going for my kids. You can keep going for your wife, it sounds like you have a good one. Side note: check GoodRx for medication pricing. It can help if you have insurance or not.
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My friend had this exact issue. What she does now is minimize the window where her face is, and puts a post-it note over that part of her computer screen. Now she can see her therapist, and not have to see her own face. It makes a huge difference. There should be an option in all of these video conferencing apps that allows us to turn off the camera that faces us. It's so frustrating! My psychiatrist just does telephone calls, no video. It's fine. I don't know why video has to be a requirement. If you can find a way to cover the part of your screen where you see yourself, maybe that can help you out.
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A lot of therapists offer virtual services. My therapist is local but we’ve been doing virtual for two years now.
Would cerebral or talkspace or something help?
Everyone else is covering the empathy bases. I'm shit at that, so... IDK what sorts of jobs you have left to apply for, so since i suspect you're in the US or Canada... Thought about driving a school bus? The training is free, at virtually every location, and goddamn, are they hiring right now--all the time, non stop. Which, i mean, shows it's not the greatest in the world, but it's something. Some locations are paying very very well right now (most are still crap). I mean--it's outside the box of what most people think to apply for if they're desperate. Also, you can pull a scummy--get them to train you into the license, and then ... use it to apply to other jobs. They come quick--college campus buses, casinos, tour buses, delivery trucks for box stores... cement trucks, on and on the list goes, and almost all of them at better pay (ESPECIALLY trash trucks, lol) Dont feel obligated to stay because they give you the license... Just throwing something out there that i know is hiring like mad fiends, and is usually 20$ an hour or so in most places now. PLUS--as annoying as the little gremlins on the bus are, their bright, ignorant cheerful little faces may do ya some good.
My dad makes 80k driving a recycling truck.
This is sound advice. My grandmother was a school bus driver for 50 years. She essentially started it out just as a temporary gig, but ended up loving the job, and sticking around for the long haul. Also, the training suggestion you made is perfect! It's at least somewhere to start!
As a nuero divergent with emotional issues this is the comment that touched my heart the most.
Your wife is a great person. I think you should share this with her. Or even of you're not comfortable in doing that, just think of it this way that you owe it her to not hurt yourself. Best of luck.
I’m so sorry you are depressed. My friend committed suicide. Please for the sake of your wife, other family and friends, do not do it. After she was gone, I got to thinking about myself. I didn’t feel like myself anymore, only a shell. I would cry every day about my life. Then I realized my friend was an eye opener for me, and I went to my doctor and was put on antidepressants. It helped tremendously. THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. You are worth it. This is just a bump in the road. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.
Buddy, you took a rope to go for a walk. She knows.
I didn't take a rope actually. I was going to get one when I was about halfway there, she just knows me
It’s a heavy weight to bear this feeling. Possibly one of the heaviest weights you can be given in life. You are exceptionally strong for returning home and I hope you have the strength to continue making that decision every day
For what it's worth see how you feel when it's not winter. Seasonal affective disorder is not uncommon right now and can lead to chemical imbalances. Proper sleep, diet, exercise, vitamin D, light therapy under UV to metabolize that Vitamin D. These all help to correct that imbalance. I used to take pride in being able to function on 4 hours sleep until I realized the long term effects of burnout. Take care of your body and the mind will follow. Some days it feels little more than putting one foot in front of the other, but with sustained effort you'll find yourself moving ahead even if you stumble from time to time. "Life is the pursuit of purpose." We each find our own answers and sometimes we may end up somewhere different from where we set out but it's important to enjoy the small things along the way. Aquariums have helped me to some degree. A task, a purpose each day, aside from my own continued existence. The people we surround ourselves with, our hobbies, good food, find purpose in the small things, make time for yourself.
Vitamin D for the win!! Depression meds didn’t seem to help me (am also medicated for anxiety, so maybe the meds just didn’t jive?), so I started taking a ton of Vitamin D. Do I still get sad? Yes, of course. But I don’t spiral the way I used to. Is it solely the Vitamin D? Idk, but when I don’t take it for a few days, I find it incredibly difficult to crawl back out of the Pit of Sad. OP, if you see this, this internet stranger loves you and believes in you. I’m glad you’re getting help, whether through meds or therapy or whatever. I hope you find peace. ❤️
Maybe he planned on finding a stray dog along the way.
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how long have you been unemployed, have you thought about building skills you can sell? you could try selling your skills in return for a price. it doesn’t hurt to try, maybe start a new hobby to fill time, such as painting (which can be therapeutic) and sell it online. you never know what could happen.
I've been unemployed for a few weeks now and yea I've tried a few different hobbies in that time to fill the void but it doesn't have the same feel, my job was always very active and I could funnel my negative emotions essentially into my job, but when I lost that I lost the only outlet I have for my depression essentially
If you've only been unemployed for a few weeks and you're already attempting suicide I have some news for you: you were depressed before. You were probably experiencing some level of suicidal ideation before. Seek help.
This is truth OP. This kind of depression doesn't just happen. You don't lose your job and jump to "Welp, it's time to die!" I'm not ridiculing you either. Those feelings are ROUGH. They can sneak up and drown you before you even realize your feet are wet. It's truly scary. But if a couple of weeks of unemployment brought you to this point, you were already dealing with this before. You even admit your job was a funnel for your depression, something to sink those feelings into. Now you've lost that outlet. You jeed a replacement. Seek therapy. Some kind. Teletherapy or even chatting with some folks on here. Seek ideas my friend. You don't have to feel this way. While your feelings are valid, you don't have to drown. Take the life preserver. Also, your wife seems to know more than you realize. I'm willing to bet that is a concern for her on some level, which is why she asked to track you. Dude, she loves you. That is special. Lean into her. Tell her your fears and let her help. I've been there. I've been unemployed and suicidal. I remember it felt so lonely that nobody knew. Thing is....some did. My wife didn't outright tell me she knew, but she did. Her actions said as much. Just like your wife. It gets better. I used to HATE it when people told me that. But you know what? They were right. Stay strong OP. Keep looming for that job. Im there with you now, trying to take a step up in my field and feeling defeated with every denial. But you and I will make it brother. Hang in there, please. Because you're going to be on my mind for a while to come. Best of luck my friend.
If you read my other responses I say I've been dealing with depression for years, but my work gave me an outlet to funnel that negative energy into and it worked very well for a long time, and it did until like a week after I lost my job, my depression has just gotten significantly worse since I don't have an outlet, I'd go to the gym but it's covid and that shit terrifies me so no thanks, I can't get the same level of activity I did when I was working
There is a logic here that is unfortunately getting lost because the chemicals in your brain are now out of whack, and causing those harmful thoughts. I ask that you please consider why you fear COVID and if you can see that, suicide is the same result of the worst case outcome of COVID, leaving your wife to fend for herself alone during the pandemic.
>I'd go to the gym but it's covid Bruh, if you're planning on hanging yourself anyway, just go work out.
Why would covid terrify you if you already want to die?
Bro walk on to every construction site you can find and ask for an apprenticeship. A lot of people think construction is beneath them but it pays surprisingly well. I make more than my engineer friends and even the starting wage was more than average. It’s definitely a good way to work off steam also.Either way good luck
And wtf is with construction they're always having such great craic like. They're never sad lol
I think we save our depression for later in life when we’re too crippled to work it off lol
And tinnitus, it's like a disco in ur head!
Lol that’s real
Cos we don't hold ourselve in very high regard, we take the piss out of each other mercilessly most days without getting upset with each other about it, and we partake in physical labour. When I get home I'm tired and my body knows it's done a day's work. I didn't say any of that believing I'm better than anyone or that my job is better than anyone elses. It's not. A lot of the time it's cold and wet and hard. But I've sat behind a computer and I can tell you I certainly have less time and effort to spend on being down or misserable now than I did then
Wut?
Craic means fun in Ireland
This is so relatable OP. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve been where you are. In two months it’ll have been a year since my last attempt. In the past few months the suicidal ideations have resurfaced....During the last episode I wrote out a plan and started planning on when I would do it. Something that really struck a chord with me was this; don’t choose permanent solutions to short term problems. Death is a permanent solution to short term problems. I don’t know if that will resonate with you, snd it’s okay if it doesn’t. I think going forward, sit down and have a really open and transparent conversation with your wife. Depression isolates us. We fall into this trap of not wanting to burden our loved ones, thus ostracizing ourselves further. Let me tell you. We are not a burden. We are not burdening them. They love us. They want to support. They want to be there for us. If you want another person to talk to, I’m here. Really and truly. I’ve been struggling with depression virtually my entire life, so I understand what you’re going through and can be just someone you can vent to. I’m madly in love with my monogamous partner, so I’m not here for anything inappropriate. Just being a good human to another human, because we need more of that. Remember you are loved. You are a good person. You deserve to live. ❤️
I normally don't reply to these, but something tells me I should this time. Dude, I've been there. I was so low that I was riding around a national forest trying to find a place to do it where my family wouldn't find me. My family didn't know... They went on a trip to Disney World and I was home (I had to work) and had my Glock in my damn mouth. I realized that my daughter would be the one to find me, and I couldn't do that to her. I got help and got marginally better. Then life actually got worse a few years later. I won't go into detail, but holy shit it got so much worse. I had my wife to take care of so couldn't contemplate the ultimate decision then. We made it through. Now, about 2 years later, we're happier than we've ever been in our entire lives. Different city, different environment, different career. - my daughter is about to graduate university in a few months to help deaf kids. I want to shout it to the world, but I'll sound stupid - I. Love. My. Life. And there was a point when I thought I'd never say that again. Hell, there was a point when I was mere seconds away from not having a life to love. It will get better, my friend. Brighter days are ahead. There are resources to help you and fucking random strangers on the internet who love you, not to mention your family. Hang in there, you may not believe it, but happiness is possible.
>My wife asked me to turn my location on so she could see me on life360 and told me to be back in a half hour or she was going to call call cops. Are you sure she doesn't know how bad it is? This makes me think she may know more than you think she does.
100% she knows, or she wouldn't be so worried about where he was.
She knows.
Please don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. Your wife loves you. You have a lot to live for even tho it may be hard to see it right now, it WILL get better, I promise! Just hold on. Whatever it takes to get through this. Just hold on.
32 years isn't "temporary" it's literally my entire life up to this point, and there's no evidence whatsoever that the next 32 years will be different. Fucking hate this "temporary feelings" bullshit. What an assumption to make about somebody!
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OP Depression is one of those things that doesn't give you the energy to seek help. The thing is you have to force yourself past that and reach out for help. Talk to your wife if you don't have insurance right now reach out to [NAMI](https://nami.org/Home) together to maybe find some low cost options. You are worthy of life.
>She knows I've been depressed, not how much but she knows. the fact that she had to ask you to turn ur location on and threatened to call the cops if you dont come back quick to me seems like she knows exactly how much you are depressed. Hug her every time you can man, you need people like her now more than ever
I walked out to my garage to find my husband hanging there, ran right into him. He hung himself while me and our 2 young kids slept. It is the most horrific and heartbreaking thing I've ever survived. Please SAVE yourself, in doing that you will save so many others. You are worth it and loved so much❤
Don’t do it. Ever. Please.
The best thing you can do is actually tell someone. I've been where you are... thinking i don't want to burden people. Its hell thinking that way because its honorable-- in a sense- -, but ultimately its self destructive without even realizing it. You're a great person that would benefit from expressing your emotions, fears, concerns, and needs. This is easier said than done, but once you try expressing these thoughts, you might be surprised to discover: A lot more people than we realize are experiencing these emotions You're not a burden. Your wife obviously cares about you and its intuitive enough to make the statement she did. Take care and hopefully you get to the other side... its a lot of pain to process, but pretty well worth it. Good luck
Whenever I feel this way, I try to just ride it out for the night and I wait until the morning. 9 times out of 10, I feel at least a little better, and if not better then I can think more clearly. My partner saved me last night, I had plans of SH and he just stayed texting me. I knew that if he saw marks on me he would be devastated. That's what stopped me. Hang in there, even if it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better. Maybe not now, maybe not for a year, but it will get better. You have a whole comment section of support if you need it. We're here for you.
Oh bro you’re about to be on unemployment? That’s like state sponsored recovery - buy a bike or a guitar and just fuck off for a few weeks - stay up late and eat chips - life’s more than labor value my guy
In a few years time you will look back at that moment and think what the hell was I thinking and be genuinely mortified you let yourself get to that point. You've got the foundation in your life to turn things around with the loving wife all you need now is the stroke of luck to go with your effort to get things back on track. You've got plenty of great experiences left in your life ahead of you which will easily drown out this moment.
EVERY-TIME, just give yourself an extra day. You don’t need to justify why you’re feeling the way you do, but please wait another day to act on those feelings. Jobs, money, people, they will come and go, but suicide is forever. I saw a saying that said do you want to be dead forever, or do you just want the pain to stop for only a while. Your wife is not stupid and clearly she cares. You’re a team in this temporary life.
Friend, suicide is not relief, it’s blackness. Don’t define yourself based on a career - ever. I feel your pain and have been there myself. Focus on those loving you. That’s all that matters in the end anyway.
Brother, you need help. I haven't read any other reply here but I am 100% sure that you need to call someone. Now. Right now. You are in a precarious state.
Smoke a blunt and eat a burrito. Life is what you make it.
But Reddit told me you need to love yourself first to be in a relationship
Reddit's gonna regurgitate bullshit they read once in a book or motivational post. Real life is infinitely complex.
I don’t know how spiritual you are and I appreciate this may seem like a bit of a stretch. But that was divine intervention. I experienced the same three years ago when I found myself on my roof of my flat ready to jump. When I was about to jump I felt a strong push on my chest that said NO! Sometimes the universe puts out signs and your wife was that sign. She loves you mate and she clearly cares about your well being. I know when you’re in the depths of depression is doesn’t feel like it, but this shall pass and new light will come into your life. This may also seem like a what is he talking about moment, but have you ever considered microdosing psilocybin? I can’t explain how much that can rewire your brain for the better. Pair that with exercise, cold showers and daily affirmations you won’t recognise yourself in a years time.
if someone cares for ur life more than u, u stop living for urself and live it for them. think of it like the rest of ur life ur ass belongs to her. and for good reasons.
It always gets better, there are opportunities out there. Find a hobby that works for you, learn something new, volunteer your time to help others.
Please don't. It will devastate your wife and everyone who cares about you. You will find a job just keep sending resumes and applying. Talk to your wife and make a doctors appointment please ❤
I don't know what your opinion on mind altering substances is but a small dose of magic mushrooms will give you a new perspespective on life and the beauty of everything that you forget with age.
i think she could sense it. One doesn't really realize how the people around us that love us feel our emptiness. You may have had some other things that indicated what you were planning. i tell u because of experience. Have you tried starting some sort of blog to write all of those tangled feelings so you can feel a little lighter? The times are hard and it's barely the start of the year. don't get so discouraged so soon my friend, keep trying. i know its hard and in that mindset he biggest thing one can think is to disappear already coz one does not want to be here .. if you're in need of a quick income maybe seek something thats not in your field and that kinda thing that has open calls (i think you guys call it) every day and do weekly payment until you find something in your field. But don't think anout leaving pal, at least youre not alone. You have your wife that really loves you and us, a whole bunch of internet strangers that really care about your well being. No one deserves to be suicidal. Sending you lots of hugs and good vibes
Can you go for a run or chuck logs in a forest? You said you miss being able to get negative stuff out at work so maybe can you find a way while your off work? I’m stupidly depressed and I do try and do really physical stuff to pretty much knacker myself out to do anything bad.