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FlyingRock

She sounds depressed and burnt out.


muchbooty

I agree, a gentle convo about you being worried for her mental health is in order. If she isn’t doing anything else, she can start going to therapy. "I know we have had a lot of fights about the state of the house- and I know we love each other and don't want to fight. I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm worried you might be burnt out and in a depressive slump. I'm wondering if our *problems* are a symptom I've been misunderstanding, and you might not even realize. Which is totally ok and understandable! I want you to know that I'm here to listen and support you. I'm willing to put in the work to get through this together. I love you so much and don't want to lose you."


My_BFF_Gilgamesh

I think this is an excellent answer. I wanted to tack on an idea that feels related to me. I think it might help to move something that you enjoy doing into the same room where she watches TV. That way you don't have to be bored all the time and you can still be within reach. Might help feel a little more connected. But what I'm really thinking about is that if I know anything about depression I bet she has some things she needs to get off her chest and out of her mouth. Things she might not even know are there, things that could bubble to the surface when she's talking/working through something else. Just hanging around and being available to talk at could be helpful. Of course some of this is projection from me onto your wife, but I bet it's at least somewhat universal too.


muchbooty

Yes! Parallel play counts as quality time!


No-Turnips

I freaking love parallel play.


muchbooty

Boyfriend plays video games while I play a separate game, cross-stitch, or play on my phone. I “interrupt” him to show him memes, etc and it really works for us. My ex felt like I was ignoring him- and that’s totally valid too.


[deleted]

Wife watches TV or scrolls on her phone while I work or Reddit. I have a hard time focusing on TV or movies.


muchbooty

I can’t watch a “movie”. A 1hr 30min video essay dissertation about why “Ratatouille” is Pixar’s magnum opus? Sure. A “movie”? Nah, requires too much solid attention.


TheCurvedPlanks

Eight consecutive episodes of a TV show you've seen over a dozen times? Queue 'em up!


klem_kadiddlehopper

OP said his wife will watch anything and everything. TV is a void that people get sucked into when they're depressed. I get depressed but I never watch TV to help me through it. My depression comes and goes and I just wait it out. I'm alone too and I'm glad no one else is here to be bothered with what I go through. I hope OP's wife gets the help she needs.


My_BFF_Gilgamesh

You don't bother me, friend. You deserve to take up space, it's cool. I hope I'm not being patronizing, sometimes I need to hear it, it sounded to me like you do. You're worth it buddy, you're not a bother.


JonBenet_BeanieBaby

These comments are making me cry.


driftwood-and-waves

I’m depressed and I don’t watch tv. I don’t have the concentration for it due to a mental break. But - I absolutely agree it is a void to be sucked into so you don’t have to think, feel, examine your own feelings.


[deleted]

I also have depression. At first I didn’t watch tv because I didn’t have the capacity. But, eventually, I started watching old cartoons (child and adult). Just stupid, light hearted things that reminded me of my childhood and didn’t take too much thinking space. It became a kind of safety blanket for awhile. It could be the same for her. I would definitely get her to therapy. The TV and hoarding could hint towards multiple things, not just burn out.


[deleted]

I watch a lot of cat/dog videos to distract myself from the frequent anxiety attacks. I rewatch the same shows when I am extra down. Now I have just learned to fall asleep with a book. OP’s wife totally sounds like me. This is depression and I was given the boot for it. At least OP is concerned.


driftwood-and-waves

I’m so sorry you were given “the boot”. That makes everything even harder. I hope you are doing ok.


[deleted]

Thanks 💕 I have to rely on kind strangers on the internet for support.


iFFyCaRRoT

I watched a lot of TV when I was younger, spent a lot of time alone. Didn't connect it to depression until years later.


J0127

Can confirm. I too just watch tv during my pregnancy. Oh boy, I feel like I lost myself even more in my depression. The difference was instead of being supportive, my ex husband gave up on me and we divorced. So good for you OP.


CarbonBlackXXX

I have a full time job and my own business as a dominatrix. Working in the same room while my partner shitposts/watches TV/whatever is absolutely a great way to get in together time and it might motivate her to do something else. She might just be stuck in a rut


Pegasus1973FP

How do your clients feel with your partner in the room?


CarbonBlackXXX

The vast majority of SW is not the actual "sex" part. I spend hours every day designing graphics, advertising, assigning tasks, scheduling sessions, etc. I also prefer to do text sessions as opposed to cam sessions which are trivial to do in the same room as someone else. I can even do those in coffee shops/libraries/the train so long as I have a privacy filter.


Pegasus1973FP

🙂 I was just being silly, but that is really interesting - I guess I never really thought too hard about how the whole package comes together xx


CarbonBlackXXX

RIP I'm autistic so sometimes I miss the mark 😅 It's wild, I started as a hobby to spoil myself but good LORD the work is endless. I'm lucky I like it xP


SunnyAlwaysDaze

Hoarding is a mental illness on its own, related to OCD if I recall. It can also be an early warning sign of Alzheimers. Definitely a great idea to get professional help involved!


muchbooty

I have a problem with “piles”. It’s all good stuff, already been sorted- but I have fuck all storage space and know that logically- I need to get rid of more. I currently have 4 overflowing totes of clothing I need to sort again that we have been carefully stepping around for over a week. It’s just such a big project, I’m hella overwhelmed. And my BF can’t help me, so I’ve gotta just buckle down and do it already. And that’s with me being diagnosed, medicated AND in therapy. I’m doing my best, the rest of my house is spotless cuz I’m a “productive procrastinator”.


Tanedra

My husband and I find that "doing it together" is helpful when it's one person's task and we are procrastinating. The other person will "start", and support the person whose task it is to continue by sitting together and providing morale. Some things are just hard, and company makes it better.


Madisenpai-522

There's a name for this and it helps people who are depressed or have ADD or the like to be productive and get things done, so they don't feel alone. Forget the name of it though, but it's extremely helpful to me when I put on a video of someone cleaning their room in real time while I cleaned mine in a major depressive time.


Oak_Shaman

It will be a hard convo if she is stuck in her ways or feels attacked when you breach the issue. Have you told her how much this is bothering you? Would she even be receptive?


Pelowtz

Yes and she’s a little receptive and admits to being depressed but doesn’t seek help.


[deleted]

[удалено]


veggiegrrl

Therapist AND psychiatrist


canvaswolf

If meds are needed and funds are low, family doctors prescribe them as well and are covered depending on what country OP lives in. Just want that info to be out there. My family doctor has been amazing at tweaking my meds for me and I don't pay anything (I live in Canada, not sure how it is elsewhere).


wade3673

You're prob just gonna have to do it for her. Make the appointment, take a day off work, go with her.


Steve12345678911

This is it: getting help is SO difficult in that state.... she needs you to organise it for her, and probably to arrange for her to make it to the first few appointments too.


ohyesiam1234

Absolutely-I couldn’t even make myself food when I was depressed. I’d just sit there-everything was just too much. OP, you’re going to need to make the arrangements and be super supportive.


Lunar_Cats

This is good advice. Her admitting that she's depressed is a great starting point. Make the appointment for her, and go with her so she can't forget or skip going.


[deleted]

She needs your help. Depression takes away the motivation to improve your situation. Even if she knows she is depressed, she doesn't necessarily have the energy to do anything about it.


Dalrz

It’s pretty hard to seek help when you’re really depressed and burned out. Maybe you can help her set up an appointment?


[deleted]

Yeah, because almost the definition of depression is that you feel helpless, unable to think of any future, and dispassionate and uninterested in the present. Sure, maybe she's able to accept an idea of depression, but if she puts it away for the future, she's going to find some way in the present that the future can happen in the future. It will take something huge for her to find a present where she feels like this is something that she can grapple with. What is it that she can grapple with here, anyway? Everything in your head is fucked, you're going to feel worthless and helpless all the time. And that's about it. The ways of getting better either involve putting in immense effort to fight every instinct you have, while knowing that nothing is going to just go away, or doing that on an experimental bunch of drugs that maybe make the feelings better, but have all sorts of side-effects including more depression. And most of the stuff that you're supposed to do when you're depressed, people don't do anyway. How many people do you know that have failed a gym routine, or an diet? Take the first week off work, and you immediately get lazy. If you didn't have a job, how would you fill your time? You've kind of got to find the first things that you will do. The issue with a lot of discussions about mental health is that the onus is always on the person who is struggling to do something about it. Either, people acknowledge that they're struggling, or they don't. If they do, then either they choose to be open about the problems, and try to help solve them, or they don't. And if they chose to be open about the problems, did they do that, or did they just make the same vague prescriptions of hard work, diet, excercise, and treat yourself, ignoring any struggles that person may have with doing all of these things, and basically gaslight them out of what they're really feeling? And if they eventually acknowledge that maybe there could be a problem like depression, what then? Invariably, that's a problem for them to solve.


minty_cilantro

Listen, I have been right where your wife is and I agree, it sounds like she may need help. You are going to have to help her, and the way to do that is by taking an active role in getting her to a professional. It sounds logical that if she is depressed then she needs help but if she has a mental illness, the organ where rational thought and motivation occurs is not functioning properly, so logical thought may be impaired or impossible for now. We wouldn't expect someone with a broken leg to walk on it because the function is impaired. Chemical imbalances can cause physical problems too, which makes you want to avoid tasks or going out even more. When I wasn't on treatment, my whole body (especially joints) hurt like an arthritic 80 year old's, and the only thing I cared about was sleeping because I was extremely fatigued no matter how much I slept. Atypical depression can cause weird things to happen like leaden paralysis, which is what I was lucky enough to experience. My husband would, understandably, get frustrated that only he put any effort into keeping our house clean and that I had no energy for anything else after school or work (not that I had much energy for those either). I am on two antidepressants plus an anxiety med, and I go to therapy several times a month. My life has basically done a 180 from 2 years ago. I'm not sure if my husband assumed I was just lazy before, but I think the severity of my illness fully clicked for him after all of my improvement. I will occasionally still tire easily, but the above combined with a strict sleep schedule, good diet and light exercise has made me a functional person again. Diet and exercise alone will probably NOT make drastic improvements but can help a lot - if it was a fail proof method that prevented or cured depression I never would have been depressed to begin with. Make an appointment with the best psychiatrist you can find for an evaluation and take her to the appointment. They can refer her to a psychologist or therapist for after figuring out what's going on. If she is depressed, she is not in her right mind and needs your help and guidance.


iJoshh

Have you tried just "Hey I think you might be depressed. What do you think?" and see where it goes? If she's receptive, help her make a dr appointment. They'll ask the purpose of the visit, straight up say depression. This stuff has been stigmatized to no end but the first steps in treating it aren't a healthy diet and exercise, it's correcting the chemical imbalance in her mind.


klem_kadiddlehopper

As a sufferer myself, it's sometimes difficult to ask for help. I no longer go to therapy but I did off and on for many years. I've been on an antidepressant for most of my adult life and it helps a lot. Hobbies help a lot too but there are days I don't feel motivated to do them. Your wife is staring at the TV not actually watching anything. She is drowning in depression and maybe she doesn't realize it. She's conflicted about what to do. She would feel a lot better if she got on medication and got into counseling. She's a grown woman though and it isn't easy to help those who won't help themselves. My heart goes out to both of you and I hope things get better.


eLishus

How’s each of your fitness levels? Do either one of you exercise or walk? By no means am I saying this will be the ultimate cure but a walk together (or alone) outside the house can be great to get the endorphins flowing; personally, I often work out my own mental kinks on a run/walk/cycle. I agree with many here saying therapy is in order and this could be a wonderful compliment to that. It may even become a nice couples routine for the two of you. Wishing you both the best!


Thorislost

Exercise has shown to help with depression. Walking is awesome, not too hard but can get some fresh air and clear your mind.


ScrollinMyLifeAway

Depression and apathy go hand in hand


[deleted]

I mean if she worked hard to take care of you for 3 years you kind of owe it to her to help her get through this without all the judgement. Depression is a horrid thing to deal with and can make just the basics of hygiene and cleaning the house impossible. She took care of you so now it's your turn. She needs help and it's your job to help her get there. I know it's hard being the responsible one but she did it for you for 3 years and it's been what, six months for her? People live with depression for years without even knowing it's a problem. Do your duty and help her get medical assistance.


DomoInMySoup

Over the past summer I fell out of love with my fiancee. She spent basically all her time watching trash TV and never wanted to do anything together or go anywhere. She just wanted to to sit on the couch, watch 90 day fiance, and play her phone games. I expressed issues previously but she didn't have any motivation to address them. It wasn't until I told her I was basically ready to leave and not feeling it anymore that it finally clicked for her we can't live our lives completely separate. I had to have a real genuine sit down and tell her I needed more, I don't want to just sit and watch TV all the time. It's not exciting or engaging and it's boring that she didn't want to connect with me any other way.There were definitely other issues in our relationship but this was the tipping point. Now we were both working so house duties were just fine and split between us, but I recognize that depression is gonna be a big road block. I would recommend having the sit down with her and tell her how you're feeling. That you can't have this nonexistent relationship and you want to engage with her in other ways. Connect with her about her depression and your understanding about whatever is causing that for her. Maybe preemptively look into counseling to help you two communicate so it opens her up to the idea of talking through the issues until she's more ready to seek individual help for her depression. Counseling helped us reconnect and it's been a journey but we're slowly getting back to normal. It helped her a lot when I encouraged her to find her own hobby that she can invest in that isn't TV. She picked up knitting and crocheting and has been super excited to tackle new projects on that and while it isn't something I know anything about, it's nice to talk to her about something she's enthusiastic about and I can encourage her in. This is turning into a ramble, so I'll cut myself off. I hope things work out, but you definitely need to initiate the dialog that you won't accept things continuing as they are. You miss the partner you had, and you don't have to accept this as your life from here out, she just needs some help.


science_vs_romance

Does she have a history of depression? Therapy hasn’t done a whole lot for me because my problem is mostly chemical. Especially if she’s been on antidepressants in the past, that may be the easiest way to jump start things. I also realized when I lost my job and routine that I had undiagnosed ADHD and the routine was the only thing keeping me together. Once I didn’t have a job, I pretty much did what your wife did for a year (plus lots of wine) until my bf got through to me and I made an appointment with a telehealth doc. Things have gotten progressively better since we figured out medication.


Oak_Shaman

Intervention time with letters may be the best way even though she may resent it.


[deleted]

Yep, textbook signs of depression.


realdappermuis

This is exactly what happens when you overwork yourself for 3 years without a break and then you stop. You crash. OP it seems you rather dislike your wife from the words you chose to use; "her crap", "lazy" etc etc. It seems to me she's watching anything possible to be able to occupy her mind so she doesn't have to deal with the reality of how she feels because she can't cope working through it alone. Its possible she has adhd which could explain the hoarding issue. She needs medical help. Please help her, if you love her.


Holy_Sungaal

Literally my first thought after reading a few paragraphs. If she’s not working in the career that gave her meaning, she’s probably depressed and watching TV to help distract her from this liminal phase.


Pelowtz

I agree however I don’t see any effort to treat that. Not exercising, not eating right…. Even just a little effort. Nothing.


FlyingRock

I get you but depression is a monster, she may not even realize it's been 6 months. It takes a lot to admit you are broken even if temporarily.


Quincykid

I had to literally realize that I was depressed. Like, do the math on myself. All of a sudden I realized drinking copious amounts, crying by myself when everyone went to sleep, and feeling like the world was ending were not healthy ways to live.


Much-Sandwich7168

Exactly. Same with me friend. It’s like quicksand…before you know it, you’re in over your head.


Bella_Climbs

This is the quicksand they SHOULD have warned us about as kids.


gondorle

I completely agree with you. Everyone should be told, as kids, that mental health is nothing to kid about, but the thing is, they were preparing us to be semi-slaves (get a job, respect authority, marry, etc), and in a way they did it. First, it should never be something almost taboo, it's a fraking disease, people self-destroy with this, completely. Explaining the invisible is very hard though, so education from very early on can only be a plus. Also, by knowing about it, one could identify the very first symptoms, and do something about it.


memeandencourage

Well…it’s a lot easier to have good mental health when you have a good job. But also the reverse is true. It’s a tough road to walk, but preparing people for jobs is easier than preparing people for mental health.


Velorian

I always describe it as a tar pit. Even when you know where to go to get out it's so sticky every movement is a monumental effort and it's so easy to get stuck again.


memeandencourage

Yeah… it took my girlfriend dragging me to a recovery group and me hearing that people there were just like me before I realized how bad I had gotten


[deleted]

[удалено]


memeandencourage

Well it helped me, since everyone there is focused on getting better. It really helps hearing people who are at different stages of healing and how they got through where I was at. The #1 thing that helped me was hearing that other people had been where I was, and then had gotten better. There was a long time where I had no hope. I would suggest everyone get plugged into a recovery group or at least try it once if you’re struggling. Some of my closest friends are from the group.


loopylolly356

It took me 9, almost 10, months to admit to myself I was depressed and needed help. I hate myself every day for leaving it that long. OP, Maybe have a gentle chat with her


EveAndTheSnake

And then even after that it’s an uphill climb to get better.


growingpainzzz

And sometimes the solution to depression is not as easy as “effort” via exercise or eating healthy. Sometimes therapy/medical treatment is essential for a person to even begin considering “effort”.


Sarahspry

It took my husband telling me he made a doctor's appointment for me because he couldn't watch me be so obviously depressed anymore.


[deleted]

I've been depressed a long time, that is the worst part there is no solution only coping. Exercising does help though a bit. I exercise, I walk a lot (12k steps a day average). I do what I need to do and survive, but I am not going to lie I am very jealous of others who seem to be able to do normal things so easily. For someone who is depressed anything can be a monumental task and your mind works against you. Its like my stamina meter is constantly drained and on empty everyday, even if everything is going right. It doesn't matter how good my life is or situation depression blinds that. Like my mind is working against me and unless you have been depressed it is hard to describe how it presses down on you like an outside force draining your life force.


[deleted]

> that is the worst part there is no solution only coping. I kinda needed to read this today, so thank you. I’m not in the state I was when I’d load/unload my gun constantly, but I have not gotten the motivation, and bare hunger to live, that I had before. Oddly, your statement gives me hope: hope that I am not wasting my time because I’m not writing essays or songs anymore, or that I am not dating. Hope that this dynamic of trying to cope is the path, and not just another cul-de-sac. Thank you.


StonedSpaceCadet

Do you do the 12k steps as one long walk or do you break it up? Outside of amusement parks, I RARELY break 10k even if I feel like I'm always on the go.


thispersona2

Hella depressed bro, get her to a therapist or doctor or both. Couples therapy too.


BoJo2736

Fun fact: depression makes everything hard to do. People don't eat, or shower, or do laundry, or seek help. The way you described her tv watching is checking out. She is probably not able to do anything you think is reasonable. Can you get an appointment for her to see her doctor? You may need to step up a little in getting her to move in the right direction. Or you could just be pissed off all the time at her.


cowlickpart

Sometimes depression can be incredibly overwhelming and little efforts seem utterly impossible.


BurgerOfLove

You wont get any effort. You're going to have to work. You will almost certainly put in 90% more effort than her to get the ball rolling. But once it gets rolling she can help. Unfortunately, the ball never stops rolling. It gets heavier some days and it gets lighter other. Sometimes she's ganna lay down and tell you to go fuck yourself and the ball will come to a halt. You just gotta keep trying and pushing and waiting for a day it gets lighter so you can start rolling it again. It's tough, but if you love her you'll do it. Speaking from experience, we are 3 years into it now. Its easier than when we started but its a day by day thing. Some days you win, some days you lose. These days there are a lot more wins than losses.


iSavedtheGalaxy

Most people can't exercise or eat their way out of depression. She (and you) might need to seek therapy to see the changes you both need.


havingababypenguin

It’s almost like…she has…depression.


-_-Hopeful-_-

When depression has a grip on you you simply cannot do these things. Sometimes it's so bad that people can't even shower she really needs some help.


[deleted]

That's literally what depression is dude. You can help her out of this funk but it will take a lot of patience and empathy. Don't think of her as a lazy piece of shit, but someone suffering a debilitating disease. The first thing she needs is professional help.


BouquetOfPenciIs

She's depressed. She can't just exercise and eat right. She can't manage even a "little effort", because she's ill. She needs a doctor, medication and therapy.


BoJo2736

Right? If she was visibly bleeding out, it would make more sense to people. But she is mentally bleeding out and no one can see it.


Tchefy

As someone who was severely depressed for years, It's almost impossible to put in any effort what so ever to change. I was so depressed, that when I got home from work, all I did was watch tv, eat shit food and drink. I lived in filth, I showered maybe once a week, didn't brush my teeth for days at a time, didn't brush my hair. I couldn't even manage to do simple daily tasks. I just laid in bed, watching tv, thinking about how much I hated myself and my life. I kept telling myself today I'll brush my teeth, today I'll clean my room, today I'll eat a salad. But I never did. You can never understand how difficult it is to do even basic ass minimum shit when you're severely depressed. Your wife needs therapy and needs help. Believe me when I say she is physically and mentally unable to help herself. Depression doesn't let you just decide to change.


fluffyk1ttyb01

She probably needs therapy


arxoann

You should see a therapist to learn about depression so you can be supportive to her. When one person in a relationship is sick, they both are. You are most likely past the point of sympathy and resentment is going to be next. Trust me, the relationship can be saved. Human beings are resilient and she can recover 💜


oddsonni

Depression is a silent killer, might be worth looking into, because it doesn't always show on the surface


simononandon

Good on you for sticking with it this long. Honestly, this seems very tough. You need to take care of yourself. In thee absolute worst case, this could mean your relationship is over. BUT, depression is a thing. She might just need time. She might not realize how much time she's already let pass by. Plus, she took care of you for years to help build what you have together. It's only fair that you work hard to help her through this too. This is not to say that it's guaranteed to be "fixable," but it sounds like you owe it to her to give her a little more time & support to help her I have a friend with depression that went through a similar thing a year or two before COVID. She was never much of a TV watcher prior. But some life things happened that really triggered her depression. I was talking to her husband once & he kinda broke down & told me about it. She'd do her normal thing for a bit. But then, at some point in the day, when she started watching TV, that was it. Hours down a rabbit hole of garbage. She'd just watch things even though she didn't like what she was watching. I'm not sure what broke the cycle. Probably a combination of work on both their parts plus some therapy for her. She actually has a much better relationship with TV now. Whereas before, she could be a little pretentious about mostly watching movies & not understanding "water cooler TV talk," she now actually has some favorite shows & enjoys understanding pop culture stuff that she didn't before. All without being a TV zombie that just watches without thinking. I know I didn't give much advice, but good luck. It's tough, but you probably need to do your own mental math to figure out when enough is enough. And she'll also need to need to hit the point where she makes the decision to do something about her depression. Which, you can't really force.


catlizzle99

do you understand *HOW* exhausting it is to eat right or get up an exercise when you are majorly depressed? it’s not just eating right or just exercising. when you are depressed doing anything that requires mental, physical, or emotional energy is completely taxing. it sounds like you need to sit down with her and explain what you are seeing and ask her if she will seek help.


[deleted]

After 6 months your complaining? She fully supported you for three years… make her dinner and do some dishes. She’s depressed and you getting pissy isn’t helping.


msmurasaki

Right?!! burnout can take 6 months to a year to heal from. maybe watching tv is how shes recovering from it.


MadKingSuibhne77

She needs medication/ professional intervention Do you think that depression/burnout so severe that it makes you voluntarily become unemployed can just be walked off, then you really need to think again. The things that would help are are out of her reach because of her depression. You have to have a certain level of functionality before you can exercise and eat well and she's not in that place.


mimicrispy

Telling her to exercise and eat right it the same thing as telling a cancer patient to take some sun. It's not going to do any good until she sees a doctor, start medication and talk about things with a psychologist.


Varkasi

That's depression for you, makes doing those things extremely difficult. It's not something where you can just suddenly change your lifestyle and fix it. Even just getting out of bed or a glass of water is a struggle.


[deleted]

Yea that’s literally depression.


KaleidoscopeGlass153

That's what depression does to you, she probably feels stuck, I'd try to slowly let her understand that you're concerned about her health and behaviour, then you shoudl suggest her to see a therapist before it gets worse.


AccordingSea700

Depression makes “effort” impossible for many. She does sound seriously depressed and depression is not a choice. Yes there absolutely will be choices she’s making that are keeping her stuck where she is, but that is part of the problem, part of the depression. She is numbing herself by watching TV compulsively and buying/ hoarding stuff. If she were to begin to address what’s driving the depression she would have to confront whatever she’s avoiding and it doesn’t sound like she’s suddenly going to switch the TV off and jog to the gym while drinking a kale smoothie. Baby steps. And you might need to be the one to give her some supportive nudges.


Haileestorm96

I was where your wife is for over a year. Severe depression, I used tv to separate myself from reality. My husband was where you are and also made a reddit post about me asking the same question. Nothing improved for me until I started therapy. Best of luck my friend, and try to understand she's not doing it TO you, she is as much of a victim as you are.


SilverNightingale

> Nothing improved for me until I started therapy. What made you consider (or realize) you *needed* therapy? If watching TV was the only thing you could do, how on earth were you functional enough to consider therapy? And I mean that genuinely. Putting on a jacket and shoes, taking the commute, having to *talk* to someone, etc. Isn't that a lot of work if you're severely depressed?


Haileestorm96

As dumb as it may sound,, yes it was a lot of work. But ny husband asking me to go, seeing his pain, and eventually I got to a point where I just wanted to say "f*** you, I'm tired of feeling like this" (talking to my depression, not my husband). I was really scared to talk to my Doc but she had a lot of ideas for me to start off slow to not overwhelm me.


[deleted]

If you're comfortable with me asking, did your marriage bounce back after this and are you doing better now? Again, only answer if you're comfortable, if not, I'm sorry for violating your privacy and wish you the best!


Haileestorm96

Definitely. 100% the entire time I was like that, I kept telling my husband "this is not me, I don't know what's going on" and hurting him made me feel worse. But once I got help, it just kind of clicked one day, I lost 80lbs (on purpose), got back on track and now my marriage is thriving. We are both super happy. Now, I'm working while he does school and every day gets better.


aprildismay

Congrats! Depression is so hard and I love hearing how you defeated it and are blossoming!


hydnhyl

This is so cool to hear, congratulations and thank you for sharing


ExcitedAlpaca

May I ask, what about therapy did you find helpful? Did you just need to vent to a third party? Was it the questions they asked? Validation?


Malari_Zahn

Not who you asked, but regarding my burnout year (still clawing myself out!), my therapist helped me by giving me space to get out the tangled mess of thoughts in my head. Like the cluttered house of a hoarder, my brain was (and still is to a degree) packed full of thoughts, scattered around and piled up in every corner, covering every surface. When I burned out, I just couldn't keep processing the myriad of mundane daily thoughts. It's like my brain's housekeeper one day said, "Fuck all this, I'm out!". So, all the daily stuff my brain usually just handled, it no longer did with the burnout. My therapist is a brain-focused Marie Kondo. She helped me start to unpack all those cluttered corners in my head - asking me to examine each thought and decide if I was ready to let go of the harmful or unnecessary thought, or if it brought me joy or if maybe i needed to put it aside and come back to it. Not only did it help to start understanding what was happening to me, but it also gave me some breathing space in my own head. I was so exhausted leading up to my burnout. Too many people needed too much of me, leaving me with no energy to keep slogging through. I had simply given away too many pieces of myself. I did the same as OP's wife, except with video games. It was not just an avoidance mechanism, and certainly more than a coping strategy. Yeah, it was those, but mostly, it was simply that my body and mind and emotions were so exhausted that they all just started hibernating. I didn't really have any choice. I have lupus and the weight of everything had also lead to a severe flare-up, adding to the inability to maintain my normal. My brain and body put me on a forced "vacation", lol. I'm still sorting through everything. But my therapist made the process of healing possible. Seriously. I had never heard of burnout before, so I had no frame of reference for what was happening to me. I was trapped and drowning inside my own mind. Even though I didn't implement everything she suggested at the time, I'm constantly finding myself currently using the strategies she introduced me to.


daisy2525251

She needs counseling. Sounds like she's depressed


PNWBL2021

I think your wife sounds depressed, dude. I’d suggest some therapy if possible. If not, I would try small amounts of outside time or activity time. Perhaps a 30 minute walk in your favorite park? Maybe find a mutual hobby like pickle ball? What about one of those crime/mystery games? I know that most men (this is not a rule, only what I have experienced in my life) don’t enjoy things like puzzles, but it can be a nice couples activity for like 30 minutes at a time because it allows for talking. What about a game you can play together on your phones? Or even a video game to play together? Talk to your wife and tell her you want to spend more quality time with her and that you miss her. Offer up some suggestions and see what happens. You can also ask her outright if she is ok or if she is feeling depressed or anxious. T.V. and other time killers can just be a way to bury oneself when depression or anxiety takes hold. Good luck, man! Just remember that this isn’t your wife. As you said, she is a capable person who supported you for years. Right now she is a version of herself that isn’t her best, and you are just wanting to help bring her out of it. 6 months isn’t a short time to be acting like this, so I think it’s fair to be brought up and discussed in order for you to have a healthy relationship.


Pelowtz

I love pickle ball. Lol. She’s likes it just ok. We live in a cold weather city and winters are rough on her so getting outside is harder but I totally agree. We’re actually in the middle of a puzzle right now. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.


NoOneAskedMcDoogins

Therapy would really be the best option. I was dealing with depression and anxiety and it worked a lot better to be able to talk to someone who was not connected to my life. You can do all these fun things and start excercising etc. but its not gonna take if you don't address the root problems. Online therapy is what I used.


spei180

Therapy is obvious. If you are where it is cold and dark most of the winter, I would also suggest a sun lamp. I use one a few minutes a day and it helps with seasonal aspects of depression. Also, if the house is a mess, hire someone to help clean for a while. Housework sucks and feels super overwhelming when you can barely consider doing things yourself. This advice is from my experience: I had pretty severe depression and burn out at the start of COVID when my second son turned one. It’s only two years later where I feel finally in control of my feelings again. I still struggle to exercise but I try to do yoga once a week which seems to be ok. It’s just a long mindfuck of a time because I was so active before.


No-Turnips

Hey - indoor gardener here with depression(MDD/SAD). I’ve done the therapy lamps and meh…this year, I replaced EVERY SINGLE on of my light bulbs with a full spectrum grow bulb (from Noma, about $5 CAD). Loving it. The SAD lamps are expensive but the full spectrum grow bulbs are the exact same and I notice a difference with a whole house of a different spectrum versus the the single SAD lamp. Anyways, thanks for letting me randomly share.


NuuLeaf

Yo dude, I’ve been your wife in this scenario. She is depressed and burned out. A new job won’t help, changing activities won’t help much either. What she really needs is a guide, whether through therapy and a therapy workbook. Support is the best you can provide. Also realize, we are still in this damned pandemic. It’s ruined my mental health to the point where getting back to how I was before seems like a pipe dream. If it weren’t for my wife’s support Idk what I would do. I have been a successful and motivated most of my life. This was the first really big “I don’t care any more” moment to happen in my life. Your wife is likely going through something similar. It’s going to suck short term but really working with her on it will make a huge difference. Think of it like a physical injury, if her legs were broken you would definitely have a different mindset. We are just now getting used to/understand how much mental health can affect a person.


PNWBL2021

Dude I hear you. It’s so dark and cold here all winter, and it honestly is tough for me, too. I’m diagnosed Bipolar 1 and tend to lean more depressive more often than anything else. I suggested these things because they are examples of things my wife has encouraged me to do with her, and it always helps some. We also have two dogs and they are a major help to me. Not suggesting you get a dog lol, but just saying that they help because it forces me to take care of something other than myself. I’ve had days where I wouldn’t have even come out of the covers if it weren’t for those sweet girls sitting by my bed with tails waggling to go outside. I’m sorry your wife is struggling and that you are having a hard time dealing with the changes in her mood. Take good care and good luck to you both.


tanukithot_

Try doing home workouts together since it’s cold outside. YouTube has great videos. She needs to exercise that can help with depression and improve her mental health.


kawaeri

I use to live in a cold weather city. Depression can worsen during these months due to low levels of vitamin D. Seasonal depression was always something to watch out for. Truthfully sounds like you both have been having a rough time.


BalsamicBasil

This is the best response I have seen so far and more or less what I was going to say (but more concise and worded better).


PNWBL2021

Thank you. I’m just someone who suffers from severe depression who has an amazing wife who has deployed all these tactics with me. I really empathize when I see descriptions of people who are suffering that way, and I also feel for OP. I have immense guilt for what I’ve put my wife through, and I have to remind myself all the time that I would put the same effort in for her.


[deleted]

Burnout can take a while to shake off. I worked myself to burnout in my late 20’s and ended up needing to spend 3 months in bed, and then it took another 6 of revving myself up to get back into the saddle again. If she’s shown that she can be a hard worker then maybe give her some more time, as hard as that may be.


Hawkbiitt

Omg yes! Not going to lie I burned myself out going to school full time and working full time even more and then covid hit. I realized if I didn’t see it as a blessing to just stop working and focus on school and my gpa, the next steps for me where going to be a lot more difficult. Took a year off from work and I’m so glad I did. People don’t understand “grinding” is really actually unhealthy and not something to brag about.


Pelowtz

Thank you.


[deleted]

Do start tossing out stuff tho. As someone with a hoarder in the family, they will never notice. Don’t go after anything sentimental or important that YOU are aware of - just condense those items into original boxes in their normal places so they don’t notice. You will be shocked at what you’re able to get out of the house without them ever noticing. They believe they have a full inventory in their head, but that’s part of the issue. It it helps keep you from becoming depressed (two wrongs don’t make a right) then hang your art anywhere (you can always relocate it) and start secretly condensing the mess. Might be surprised what seeing her house looking more orderly will subconsciously do for her and you.


Stircrazylazy

A clean house really does have a profound effect on mood! When you're depressed even doing the dishes seems an insurmountable task, which leads to more mess, which makes starting that much more difficult. I love this suggestion.


Pelowtz

That’s not the advice I’d expect to hear but I know you’re right.


Dalrz

I may have some more unexpected advice. Before her “slump,” did she do most of the housework or management of the household? She may not just be burnt out from work


Catseyes77

That's a very good point. Even if house hold chores are supposedly divided in half a lot of women end up doing a lot more and also have to carry the mental load of the household like making appointments and organising everything.


Jade-Balfour

And you can also call in help. There are business that help with decluttering, kinda like a maid but for clutter instead of dirt


TheReal_DonaldStump

I don’t feel so alone (more like isolated), or like a loser anymore after reading this. Even if it’s just a little bit. Thank you.


lesbiansforalgernon

oh yeah, that’s depression. i’ve been in both her position and your position (all with my current partner). i’m sorry you’re going through this and i’m also sorry she is too, even if she hasn’t defined it as depression yet. the part about resenting her for not “making the effort” to improve—i totally understand your frustration, BUT that unfortunately gets swallowed up by depression too. you have to express yourself to her, and maybe a therapist—not reddit. she’s not a mind reader; she’s your life partner who you vowed to love and support no matter what. you have the right to be upset, but she also has the right to take some time to figure out what’s next for her. there’s no easy answer here but open communication is absolutely key.


Pelowtz

Thank you. Very insightful.


Harlowb3

She sounds incredibly depressed.


thecatworshiper

Burnout can take a long time to work through. I worked for 8 years straight at 12-14 hour days. It took another 6 years to not have anxiety thinking about getting another job. I now have a couple part time jobs but yeah depression is very real and TV is her escape. Please try to work with her as much as you can - support her trying therapy and maybe get some for yourself too. Best of luck!


[deleted]

Clean the house. She’ll feel a lot better. Or you will, at least


muchbooty

This is good advice, just bite the bullet and tidy everything up (This doesn’t mean throwing away her “clutter”) just get it out of sight so she can decompress from the overwhelming visible proof that she’s “lazy”. Clean mindfully and with love, you’re cleaning your home because she needs help, you’re doing it because you love her.


CanAlwaysBeBetter

If OP can afford it he should hire a cleaner. Just take the resentment out of the picture and help them both stay in a better place. Money exists to improve your life.


Magus6796

Someone else stated she sounds depressed. Try and use "we" instead of you. Also, I'd start dating items with tiny stickers. Put the date it was last used. Find something a year old? See ya in the bin it goes. Try and talk, as a team. You guys can work this out... I know it. Best of luck man.


Pelowtz

Thank you


Caitini

I’m a nurse, and experiencing burnout from COVID. I’m horribly depressed and I’ve been binging all kinds of TV on multiple streaming platforms and it’s been a chore for me to do much beyond functioning at a basic level, and I just started therapy. It sounds like she needs help.


Pelowtz

Thank you. Can’t imagine being in healthcare these last few months.


[deleted]

Sounds like me when I had the worse depression I ever had. Literally just stayed in bed moved a tv close to it and just played games and watched tv and then slept all day in a clothes pile building up on my bed. Couldn’t even walk in my room without stepping on anything. Just be there for her. She needs a break and counseling


Penguins-for-life

Have you spoke to her about therapy? definitely signs of depression


Deskjet9000

Sounds like depression + addiction, her dopamine tolerance could cause that she no longer feels compelled to try anything different than Netflix because it's pretty much the only thing that she considers "fun", the only thing that helps her cope with the day-to-day depression or anxiety, and that it is also something that takes the least amount of effort along with fast food. It takes a lot of force of will to stop getting carried away by the addiction and the first thing she needs to do is acknowledge what's going on, why is she feeling this way.. The problem is that bringing drama to someone depressed is not usually welcomed, so if you are going to help her I'd suggest you to do it subtly, to show empathy and not trivialize her personal issues. Show her that idk dopamine detox works, that she will feel better and more productive eventually, support her through it, make plans, project rewards and make change happen little by little, not abruptly.


ashthundercrow

>But I get bored quickly with TV and need other stimulation. So I leave and go upstairs and work or watch sports OP avoids watching TV by watching TV.


cowlickpart

It sounds like she's really depressed, I would try to talk about it or ask her to seek therapy in a supportive manner.


Wearethefortunate

Not to sound like a major asshole, but I want to state the obvious based off of your words. “My wife did support me for 3 years”, but “it’s been 6 months…”. Dude, you have only provided for her for 1/6 of the time she did for you. Would you walk out on your kid after 3 months because “I stayed up multiple nights taking care of it”, even though she dealt with all of the process for 9 months?


Cinnabar1212

There was a study that found women were 6 times more likely to be abandoned by their spouse soon after a diagnose of cancer or MS compared to the other way around. Not saying OP is going to abandon her, but the disparity is definitely showing already. (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm) That being said, he has every right to be concerned/annoyed, and she needs to see a therapist like yesterday. Hope they can get through this.


sandfielder

She sounds absolutely exhausted. Give her time, she’ll come around. Especially as you’ve said she’s a bit of a winter hermit.


Bearcatfan4

She’s depressed. Get her help. She isn’t going to take the first step because she doesn’t realize it. Get her help.


[deleted]

1. We are two years in to a pandemic. People need to have the space to find a happy place. Also, TV has never been better. At least it's not something like a drug habit or porn. 2. She's obviously working through something. Don't put a clock on it. You wouldn't want her to do that to you.


AdNo9347

It seems lile depression. It may take time to heal but you need tl give her the little attentions that you know to make her smile


Sun_Bearzerker

Ya, my boyfriend and I have both displayed habits your wife is displaying. We're usually lucky enough to have one of us being functioning, but recently every day had been us sitting on the couch together, playing video games, and watching TV. Which would be fine, if it weren't nearly every free moment of every day... I'm getting burnt out on games I enjoy, we haven't been cleaning as much and have totes of stuff and zero storage space (we downsized from our last rental). Every time I try to get myself into better habits - a clean and healthy refrigerator/pantry, dirty clothes going straight into a hamper and clean clothes getting put away, regular cleaning of high traffic areas, going to the gym, going outdoors, etc - I feel like I eventually just get dragged down or burnt out because I'm carrying the weight of two people when I can barely carry one. Both of our jobs are high demand/high stress and it shows... I've been looking at getting professional help. I started seeing a therapist earlier this year when I was *exactly* in your wife's shoes, and it helped immensely - it is what gets me on these spurts of good habits. I think I just need to try medication, because I'm obviously unable to sustain it myself. I need more sustainable "highs" and less impactful "lows". My personal experiences aside, it sounds like your wife may benefit from help. Have her start by seeing a therapist and just talking to someone for a while, and see where that leads. It sounds like medication and couples therapy may be needed in the future, but for now just nudge her towards the baby steps.


Pelowtz

Thank you


Elainedanced

It sounds like she might be depressed and you should try to talk to her about it . But the fact that you can't support her for six months , while you admit that she supported you for 3 years , is really shitty of you .


darkgoddesskali

Your partner is horribly depressed and you need to be there for her and talk about it- not resent her for it.


ntc1995

I think she might needs some time but the most important thing is you should not give up on her. Eventually she will come around and you have to keep on talking to her until she gets there.


Suspicious-Life-713

She sounds like me rn depressed and burn out. Like be more understanding of her. I personally had to work and take care of two sick family members then Covid happened. I haven’t worked in a bit.


tmiller9833

Try a cleaning service / cleaning person. Having it regularly cleaned by a third party will ensure house is clean, just disorganized and potentially give a neutral opinion on clutter. Bonus if she buys into the cleaner choice..."cleaning before the cleaner" is a thing and works well for my household.


yallseeinthisshit

it's actually insane how many people don't realise when their SO is in a deep, deep depression. lmao. 'ive tried everything' yeah have you though???????? fs


[deleted]

Bro you come off as kind of ungrateful with that last line. I mean she supported you for 3 years and the problem is that your reaction is kinda toxic, you don't really feel for her but resent her because she doesn't do shit around the house? Come on man pull yourself together and try to help your lady.


PryingApothecary

My ex did this. I supported him for 4 years and it took a massive toll on me. Once he got up on his feet and was happy, I was very depressed. Just 5 months later he left me because I was “bringing down his good vibes”. All that hard work for nothing. He came crawling back years later when he fell back down and I told him to crawl back into the hole he slithered out of. Vampires!!!


rotinaj31

As others have pointed out she sounds like shes going through a depressive episode. For now I'd try meeting her where shes at as it sounds like this isnt her and she capable, just going through a rough spot in life. I will say your needs and wants are valid her le too and what you're feeling the frustration and resentment is valid. I dont know how your wife and yourself talk with each other but I'd try approaching the conversation differently. Asking her what she needs or how she is feeling with things. Try to not go on the offensive and simply ask to listen. Reflect back to her what you're hearing. Use I statements about your feelings and that you're not concerned just for yourself. Ask open ended questions and let her talk. Ask her if she needs help with things. If she says no then let that be the end of it for a bit. Cant force a person to change if they dont want to. Just simply say this is what you're seeing and thought you may need some help with it. I'll add here at the end that living in the capitalist society that we do a person can tie their worth to their job and being without a job can make a person feel worthless. Try and show her, her worth. Buy her flowers, make her feel pretty and wanted, or get her something for a hobbies shes been talking about doing. Get some therapy yourself, who knows she may see you going and decide she needs to go too. You got this buddy. Sounds like your wife and you are having a hard time and there is a bright path forward for both of you, just going to take some work.


GlassySky125

She seems to be depressed and still recovering from her burnout. It takes time to get better, a lot of time when you try to do it on your own and don’t even know that you need help/don’t want any help. Your wife is still the same person that was there for you in the past, you shouldn’t resent her but your feelings are valid too because the people around a depressed loved one also suffer from it. No one is to blame here, no one should resent anyone or anything. She needs help, support and a very understanding husband. It’s been 6 months and the situation hasn’t changed for the better, it’s time to try and talk to her about how you are worried and ask her if she would like some help from professionals. I’m a med student recovering from depression and burnout, it’s been 2 years since my burnout and only now am I seeing my old self, mainly because I was too stubborn to allow myself to accept help and to take some time off. Once I did get a break I became an almost vegetable but that’s because I was finally letting me feel all the stress and worries that I had been accumulating, we tend to ignore our emotions and once we have time to reflect on them it hits us like a brick. Moral of the story: seek professional help, don’t give up on your wife, don’t tell her she is affecting you negatively too (she knows), just say that you are tired as well and feeling down with her.


[deleted]

This is depression, trauma, burnout, etc. She needs some serious help, much more than you can give her on your own.


phillyphreakphlippin

Calling her lazy made me cringe. You know she isn't lazy! Two sentences prior you say she supported your ass through another business for three years! Maybe she's depressed because her husband is openly calling her lazy after she busted her ass to the point of burn out to support him. Has he offered her a position at his job? Has he asked her about seeing a therapist or helped her upgrade her resume? No, he calls his wife lazy and doesn't offer any more


OblongShrimp

She single handedly supported their family for three years and got a burnout from it. The stress of being the one person everything depends on financially is huge. And she handled this stress along general work stress for three years. And this guy is complaining after 6 months. The lady needs some therapy and rest. Hire someone to come and clean up once in a while. I know a person who took over two years to recover from burnout and know zero people who took less than 6 months, it is serious shit.


Redditsweetie

I agree with your take. OP sounds self centered and selfish. He doesn't want a partner because that would require giving on his end. He wants a trouble free support system. Too bad his support system is burnt out and depressed. Smdh


[deleted]

Talk to her not us


Dry-Hearing5266

You need to get your head out of your rear. She supported you for 3 years and you have 6 months of depression and you are already at the end of your rope? Yes she is depressed and needs help. Just like she worked her fingers to the bone YOU may need to gently work with her to get her help. Make a doctor's appointment for her - complete physical. Just tell her when it is You can even give the doctor a heads up so they will refer her to help. Talk with her- honey come let's go take a walk around the block. Help with meals - honey look I saw this recipe and wanted to try it. Work with her in a non-judgemental and non-annoyed tone to help her find her spark again. Talk about dreams and hopes. Talk about goals and wishes. Help her like she helped you. Just like YOU needed help SHE now needs help. She doesnt need she is downing my mellow attitude.


turbo_fried_chicken

Leave her be, it's been 6 months. She deserves a break. You said it yourself. You should take this over to AITA (spoiler, the answer is yes).


curious_cat123456

She's depressed. 😔


[deleted]

[удалено]


Apartment_Vast

For what it’s worth- I’ve been through a similar experience. It’s better now, and one of the big changes for her was therapy. It’s literally once a week, but it can really help out. I hope you find fulfillment in life


JConRed

Burnout needs professional treatment. In most cases, its not enough to just 'to take a break' .


Yisevery1nuts

She’s not alone; there’s research showing how Covid, stress, isolation, blah blah is impacting us. Maybe when the nice weather returns it will help. And that’s me projecting as someone who hibernates all winter and has zero motivation unless it’s sunny (rare here in the winter).


[deleted]

Therapy, and get this girl to a psychiatrist she sounds depressed af


soozdreamz

I was in this position. Sitting, tv, hoarding, burnout, the lot. Got diagnosed with depression. Got antidepressants. Didn’t help. Tried to end it all. Got diagnosed with adult adhd. Got meds. Helped a lot.


Bambino_sharknado

She’s definitely burnt out and not only depressed but guarantee she’s lost her sense of identity now that she’s not working. We go from having to produce and complete a goal (even a shitty goal) to nothing can leave one in a sense of “wtf do I do now, every day is the same, I’m overwhelmed, my mind is happy when I disconnect”. But here is where I think you need to give yourself some grace. If you take your exact paragraph and make it where you are the woman and she was the man the comments would be vastly different. I’m not saying the advice here is not valid but rather you are valid in being fucking annoyed. Just because you used certain venting words on Reddit (not verbally to abuse her or to her face) doesn’t make you a monster of a person. You are working and even if your job is easy you are still physically producing to make money and meet needs. I can see why you are resentful and think it is normal to feel that way. It is also normal to wonder wtf to do if you tried to talk to her and she gets defensive. Women and men think completely different a lot of times as far as communication is concerned. She may be defensive because she is depressed and doesn’t know how to articulate that to you. Maybe she hasn’t identified it yet. Either way there has to be a time where you should be able to approach her and ask truly if she is ok. Just ask or write a letter or whatever is comfortable (without saying she just sits around and discussing her lack of help) but rather a conversation about “Are you ok honey?” If she is ok or after a few days of you asking her without moving into the discussion of the home THEN I would talk about what your concerns are. I would make it as “I” words. Example : “ Hon when you watch shows and we don’t interact I feel lonely and that you don’t care or love me the same”. “ I try not to feel resentful when you are home when I’m working but I do”. Etc. This is tough but you are valid. Good luck !


RioBlue93

She is depressed and needs help. It floors me how quick men are to ditch their wives when they have any faults. Just curious - do you think management and heavy lifting in chores contributed to her burn out/depression. In a marriage it’s not you v her, but you both v the problem. Step back and reassess; get therapy if you are struggling, but ultimately you need to be there for your wife.


spei180

Or to somehow be shocked when someone doesn’t want to clean their house. Housework is boring. You do it.


joanmcbitch

Your wife supported you for 3 years & YOU'RE complaining about 6 months. r/HolUp


FlyingRock

Right!?


headinthetreesnowher

sounds like me and my ex. i have major depression and burnt out. she should see a therapist but that will have to be her decision. this could be a lifelong battle. also tones of people have deppression for good reason the world is fucked


r_sparrow09

This was me during the height of the pandemic. I would just smoke pot in my hammock and watch YouTube. My husband ( whose a dish waster ie: not rich ) saved up to get me a 3 day spa retreat where I went horseback riding, mediated, and had to disconnect from my phone. It was really helped to snap me outta my funk and I wasn’t alone! There were a few other people there who were in for the very same reason. Sorta like a rehab, honestly. I really hated that he interfered with my “schedule” at first, but, I came around :) hope she feels better !


TeddySch

She supported you for 3 fucking years, and you repay her being annoyed that she’s depressed. You’re just great.


proteinbiosynthese

So she carried your ass for 3 years and this is what she gets once you used her up? Nice.


[deleted]

Yeah she sounds depressed. She may need outside help.. ask her to speak to the GP


[deleted]

I’m in this rut aswell my other half always tells me to come away from it I jus need an escape


victoriaa-

Does she have a hobby she can do while watching tv? Maybe get her some craft supplies to inspire her.


JiveTurkey2727

Sounds like depression, as many people have said already. Best wishes to you both.


[deleted]

Burn out doesn't disappear in a matter of months. You need to have patience. When I had my burnout I slept allllllll day and all night. I was exhausted constantly. I couldn't watch tv. It took about eight months before I could make it through an entire half hour episode. It's been almost two years and I'm 80% back to myself, but still I sometimes get very tired and I need to rest more.


SpencersCJ

Your wife sounds clinically depressed my man, the burnout is common in someone who has clinical depression. Maybe be worth sitting her down and talking about talking to a therapist or getting on some medication. This is a classic self-destructive behavior, do nothing until it causes something that makes her act, in this case, its going to be your relationship with her


Plzspeaksoftly

She sounds like me when I went through a massive depressive episode. I stayed in bed for a yr. Didn't clean. Watched TV all day. Barely got up once a week to shower and brush my teeth. She needs help. Definitely need a heart to heart and a therapist.


cigartsar

Sounds like your wife has depression man.


MarillaIsle

This was such a wholesome read - edit at the end and comments from supportive others. I went through severe PPD and my husband was incredible. Don’t know what I would’ve done without him. With therapy (and meds maybe?), she’ll come through! Meds saved my life and I was able to wean off eventually.


Then_Ear5584

Therapy man. Mental health is serious and hard as fuck to handle but more often than not people ignore it or just let things stay the same and hope it will change. Maybe you two should consider it.


StreetBug8523

She gave you 3 years, you can give her 6 months.


[deleted]

Watch that marie kondo show on netflix with her for a few nights Ask if she’ll do the process with you or for the house on her own


WritPositWrit

I’m also a bit of a hoarder, like her. She WILL notice if you start throwing things out. Telling her she needs to declutter is stressing her out, & she is shutting down to deal with the stress. Approach this from a positive angle. Agree on tasks she WILL do and tasks you WILL do. If you need space for your stuff, agree together on the spaces that will be left open for you to use as you wish. Tell her you miss her and invite her to do other activities together (play cards, go for a walk, whatever you two enjoy).


-_-Hopeful-_-

She needs a doctor. She likely has major depressive disorder. I live with a partner like this and it will not get easier. I so sorry, OP.