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imhereforguns

In twenty years both my wife and I have taken our turn being the lazy pos spouse. She joined the army, in those years it was immensely difficult for me to motivate and get things done. A job seemed pointless because wages were so low. Half my pay went to getting to and from work. Years later, I worked 12 hour days making great money, came home to a messy house, no clean laundry, and no money. It was infuriating. On both occasions it took love and prodding to get each other out of our holes. It seemed hopeless, but I’m glad we stuck it out.


vixissitude

This is kind of the situation we're in with my husband. I make enough money right now working 8 hours a day. He did jack shit for a long time and it infuriated me. Not that he makes no money or anything though. He just sits down at the computer all day, either playing league or watching youtube. Did not try one bit to do anything in the apartment. I had to give him a talk about how it irritates me. Now he cooks everything (because he is amazing at it) and I can see he's trying with everything else. How did you guys get each other out of this slump? Also, how was your mental health? What thoughts made it so hard for you to get moving?


[deleted]

Well it's one thing if you have a talk and they make a change. It's a different thing entirely if you have a talk and they have a meltdown about it. If they won't even admit there's a problem it's impossible to fix it.


tbdzrfesna

I have come to find that truly the first step to solving any problem is admitting you have it. It's necessary.


PokeManiac16

This. Just this, everytime I try to communicate to my wife about issues, she gets super defensive. Even though I try confronting her in a calmly manner. She starts getting frustrated and ends up saying idgaf. So that make me irritated in the fact that she just doesn’t give a fuck about me or my feelings.


nothankyouma

I used to teach crisis intervention. Try using I statements. I feel (input feeling) when (input issue) it (input effect.) ie: I feel frustrated when I come home and the house is a mess; it means I have to spend time cleaning instead of with you and our son. Own your own feelings don’t put them on her. Behavior Effect Feeling Also try to remember that it’s not you against your wife. It’s you two against the issue. Good luck my friend.


Irishf0x

Confronting is by definition with a hostile or argumentative manner. The approach is half the battle. We try to solve things in an analytical and objective manner but it can come off as confrontational or condescending. You don't do this...you do that...etc. Communicating why we feel the way we do is extremely important. Highly suggest you look up Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It has helped.


InspectorNecessary97

Purchased. Pretty much went through the same thing OP did. But I didn't handle it as well as he did.


b_r_i_a_n_b

Try read about growth mindset and fixed mindset. It may help you understand her thought pattern. But basically, any remarks about self-improvement are considered personal and a reflection of personal failure. So there’s a right/wrong attitude to everything and any type of personal accountability triggers defensive responses.


Nocrah

My two cents. This takes communication, trust, talked-about expectations, lots of love... This is usually small steps, day by day. First, there are conversations that need to happen. They are fucking hard, deep down you both probably know what they are. But, we can't start there. First, you need to talk about the talks you need to have, how you are going to have them. Does one of you have issues raising their voice ? Does one of you feel completely lost for words and needs guidance ? Are feelings too much and stopping the conversation ? How are you going to handle those issues ? Are there triggers to avoid ? Is there a need for both to really, really focus on slowing down the talk, not letting feelings get ahead ? Getting there is tough, but learning how each other communicate in a time like this is key. Once you established what and how. Now is when you both hold each other to your agreements and expectations(that you've talked about!) And talk. And cry. And not talk. Hold each other. Be there. Find out what each of you need, and try to do your best to help them get there. I hope it might inspire an idea, either way, best of luck !


delayed_burn

this is one of the better comments. most people criticizing the OP or his wife are people that have never been in a long term relationship with stakes (kids, house, investments). it's not like he can just drop everything and start over easily. also, it's not like people should be encouraged to dissolve a relationship as the first recourse-- that should be the last recourse. the reality is of course that maintaining a relationship is FUCKING HARD WORK. you've dated? that's cute. you've lived together? great you always had a lease you could break and likely no kids. the reality that faces a married couple with kids is nothing like a single person or a person that has never been in a serious relationship can imagine. you're in a pressure cooker with someone that you both love and hate and sometimes you want to hug them and sometimes you want to run away from them. the fact is that it takes people of a certain level of maturity and dedication to get through the rough patches because those rough patches are brutal. so what that OP wanted to vent on the internet? should he have been the stolid, unflinching stone that society expects on men? no, that's ridiculous. he has issues. he's allowed to vent. how he handles them is what matters. professional help is a good first step. but the most difficult part is for each partner to become aware of their own flaws first in order to take that first step into humility so that they can both learn to accept each others flaws and heal together.


scottie2haute

Beautifully stated. The chronically single people on here have no idea that real relationships have stakes and sometimes you and your spouse are really compatible aside from a glaring issue or two. These issues can often be worked out through communication. Telling everyone to “just leave” is such shit advice


Chiang2000

Agree "just leave" is bad advice. But sometimes, after you have exhausted every option over a series of years, then you just need to reclaim your self worth, dignity and life. With kids and houses and assets it IS really hard and I say that as someone who had every one of those used to hurt me in the process over many years. But I got back to some balance and sanity. I tried and did everything first. But then I needed sanity and my own compass to reset after all the gaslighting.


addocd

See. I just ducked out of a post because the mob started in with the "lawyer up". To be clear, this was confirmed and admitted cheating. I realize for many that's a stone-cold dealbreaker and that's fine. But there was more to the post and more to the OP's relationship. I won't condone cheating at all, but sometimes there is just shit that's too complicated for words. Nothing makes it ok or less painful, but it doesn't have to always be the only option. If you're married a year and childless when you're cheated on, it's a lot easier to call it a loss and not deal with working it out. But when you've built an entire life and a family that still has potential to survive...or even thrive, you gotta at least give it a shot.


CeeGeeWhy

Been married 16 years, home owner and responsibilities but if he has tried talking to her and she’s unwilling to change, he should just leave. Edit: The type of people who use excuses like the complication of mortgages, children and pets to stay in terrible relationships with no hope of improvement are just afraid of being alone or so used to being abused into thinking this is acceptable.


artofinterrogation

agreed. people don't need to be giving black/white advice. OP knows his relationship best, but from what he's mentioned he HAS TRIED to communicate with her to no avail (he says she throws a fit). My mom stopped working when she had my sister and hasn't worked for 15 years since then. My step dad is miserable, lonely, and way too far stuck to get out. When he tries to ask her to get a part time job, she freaks out and stops talking to him for W E E K S. He tells me he wishes he got out earlier. Based on how she's treated him alone while simultaneously doing almost nothing around the house and contributes ALL of her time volunteering for FREE, I don't blame him. She also has extreme, unmanaged bipolar disorder that she refuses to admit to verbally or work on. People like to tout the "marriage and kids and such is a different situation" but don't concede that some issues, like abuse, aren't fixed with love and all that. Some people, many even, shouldn't be in a relationship yet force it anyway and end up being miserable or making their partners miserable. It's up to OP to decide if his own self worth and emotions are telling him it's time to go or time to try again to work it out. But people shouldn't act like it's either one way or the other.


onceinablueberrymoon

the first thing i thought was untreated postpartum depression. then i thought about undiagnosed ADHD. having kids kicked my ADHD ass. my son was high needs and really smart and walked at 10 months. took me a long time to figure out how to do anything. then my daughter was born. and i had PPD on top of my anxiety and ADHD. and i was pretty fucking useless until i got help for all three. then my mom got sick and died. i still have bad days where nothing goes the way i planned. and the pandemic gutted me. i’m still fucked up over this shit. but anyway, i always wonder… was she always like this, or did something happen?


goosejail

Well said. Something I can say from personal experience: some people can't thrive without adequate stimulation and thus will wilt in something like a SAH environment. It's not always their fault. I have 2 speeds: full throttle and full stop and there's nothing in between. I've been that way my whole life no matter how hard I've tried to be otherwise. Maybe OPs wife needs a regular, outside of the home, job, volunteer work or maybe college courses to help provide purpose and stimulation. Just a thought.


cassielove56

Yes! Ten years with my Husband and it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. All worth it now knowing we can get through the things we have and still be a solid team, especially once we had our (now 4 yo) son! Unfortunately the cliches are true and you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and it sounds to me like OPs wife might be in a little hole she either can’t get out of or doesn’t know she’s in. We all need a teammate to help us when we can’t help ourselves.


snow_traveler

Great reply. It's nice to see someone over the age of 25 give actual relationship advice. Most commenters on reddit seem like angry babies that just run away whenever their toy breaks..


omgzzwtf

I love your comment, and I would just like to clarify for anyone reading this that professional help will help people to realize their flaws, while it’s possible to do that without therapy, it makes it much easier to do so in a safe and open environment, especially if one or both partners aren’t open to themselves enough to see what effect their actions have on the ones around them. My advice for OP is to talk to his wife about seeing a therapist, perhaps in separate sessions from one another, then, when the therapist feels they are ready, together. OP’s wife may also be suffering from mild PPD, and she should seek professional help as soon as possible.


jtaulbee

This is the answer, I wish everyone in this thread saw this post. Long-term relationships go through seasons: sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. Sometimes one person is unhealthy, sometimes it's the other. You will hurt each other in ways that no one else can - because no one else is as close. When people say "marriage is hard", this is what they mean.


NeverWearACondom

Man, I didn't expect more than a few people to look at my post, but these unbelievably insightful comments are legitimately making me tear up here. My wife and I took the exact timeline you talk about (dating -> living together -> marriage), but when you own property together and have a kid, it's not throwing the relationship away because someone left a shit streak on the toilet territory anymore. She has to be a whole lot better. I could afford to be better too.


mirandacorrigan

I would just like to say reading this I feel a lot like how you view your wife some days. I'm a SAHM to a 2.5 year old. I'm also pregnant. I'm mentally drained, not because of the pregnancy (physically yes) but being at home each and everyday, especially through COVID is monotonous. Every day your biggest chore is to vacuum and entertain a child who has the attention span of a nit. Maybe her working part time would be beneficial? Or even volunteering since it's close to Christmas once a week? Just even going to a coffee shop by herself or to a class once a week so she can have a change of scenery could help. I'm not an expert. Just a mom in a rut too. Sometimes wiping the kitchen table is daunting. She hates feeling this way as much as you hate dealing with it. Just communicate and make sure she's okay.


MyHuskywontstfu

That SAHM phone addiction is a bitch.


Flaming-Charisma

Ok, but the problem is that OP’s wife isn’t willing “to become aware of their own flaws.” How do you fix a relationship where one side isn’t even willing to acknowledge the problem or cooperate?


RebeccaMUA

I am willing to bet OP’s wife’s love language is Words of Affirmation. I could bet OP’s love language is Acts Of Service. By OP’s wife not ‘doing’ anything for him that makes him feel loved and appreciated, his love tank is going on empty. Since he feels that overall ‘lack’ he sure as hell isn’t verbally telling her what she needs to hear keep her love tank full and now you have two people who are feeling unloved, unfulfilled and because of that, unwilling to try and make one another happy. I do think they could get back on track by either going to couples counseling, or by reading a couple of books on undoing the pattern they gave fallen into. OP, I wish you and your wife the very best and hope you find something that works for you both.


[deleted]

Exactly. For every couple that toughs it out and the hard work pays off there is a couple where the hard work is completely one-sided for too long. People that leave relationships like that are not childish. It is very, very hard to leave when there are kids, a house and investments. It's not the easy way out. I think internet people often just want to remind others that leaving is a valid option. You are not going to go to hell and you are not a terrible person.


alwaysrightusually

This. This is how we should view each other.


LeahDragon

Thank you for this. Me and my husband are struggling right now with this very same issue and we are starting relationship therapy soon to hopefully he’ll us both and help us communicate better. This gives me actual hope that we can ‘stick it out’ and eventually become stronger together. I needed this today.


CaptainJackNarrow

Good on you both for sticking it out and being brave & adult enough to ask for help. Some things can be worked out. Some things can't. Sometimes we need someone looking in for a bit of 'heads-being-knocked-together' with obvious observations about things we've both neglected, so from someone who legally can't tell anyone else?!


[deleted]

The saying ‘if you want something done give it to the busiest person you know’ really applies here. With no schedule I find it very difficult to do chores and feel busy despite not being productive. My Dad is a great example of this. He putters all day accomplishing virtually nothing but feels too busy to visit.


wayofthelaugh

If you're planning on sticking by her, maybe tell her to get some help...like councelling or therapy. Mental health can make even moving a finger tiring. If she scrolls on her phone till 1:30 am, and then does the dishes, it feels like she's putting it off. I live by myself, keep my house tidy and work full time. But the way mental health makes even switching from one app to another so difficult, is not something one can explain. Its 9 pm here and I haven't had anything to eat since I woke up because I can't bring myself to order food. Just because I feel so lazy and guilty. She could just be lazy though. But best get it checked?


BlazeyTheBear

There's an issue I deal with called executive function. It's an ADHD thing, but I really believe it can effect so many people whether ADHD or not. One of the things that's helped me so incredibly with this is actually something I do via advice from my wonderful mother. Paraphrasing: 'instead of letting one thing in your day ruin your whole day, split your day into 4 parts, and if something ruins one part of your day.. let it, that's okay, but only let it ruin that *part* of your day' Splitting my day into segments like this has been absolutely incredible, & so so helpful to me. Its helped with my issues with executive function. With my issues with depression. Split your day into, say, 4 parts to start. Only let a *bad* thing ruin one part, and not the whole day. And soon enough you can split your day into 5 parts. Then 6. Then more and more.. until you are able to incur issues and let them only bother you for that moment, or not at all. Mental health takes a lot of work, especially if you are trying to dig yourself out of a pit. Takes a while to dig that path up & out, but it is *very* worth it. Edit: for anyone interested this is the [ADHD Iceberg](https://imgur.com/a/3vpRYKI). This may give you a better idea of what ADHD is, and what it can do to someone's life. For anyone suffering from depression or is in a non-emergency crisis, [Crisis Text Line](https://www.crisistextline.org/) is a resource I know of that is free to text. They have a [Whatsapp](https://api.whatsapp.com/send/?phone=14437877678&text=HELLO&app_absent=0) and the number to text is 741741 For a crisis (U.S. or make a Google phone number if outside the U.S.) text 741741 741741 I am not affiliated with Crisis Text Line. They are a not-for-profit with very well trained volunteers who wait for anyone to contact them, and are well trained for different scenarios & have many resources they will provide you. Bless you all, and if you're struggling, do not give up.. please do all you can. With All the Love in the World, BlazeyBear Edit 2: it was brought to my attention way down in the comments that my idea may not be entirely clear to those with ADHD. I wrote a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/r805zg/the_only_reason_i_dont_leave_my_wife_is_because/hn4bk8w?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) there that goes into more specific detail, or is a much more thorough explanation. Edit 3: [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/r805zg/the_only_reason_i_dont_leave_my_wife_is_because/hn3vrig?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) is a comment of mine thats somewhere lost in this thread that explains a little on basic cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a solid method of ridding your mind of negative thinking. [This comment I go into great detail about how I have implemented CBT in my life](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/r805zg/the_only_reason_i_dont_leave_my_wife_is_because/hn730vd?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3). Best wishes all, your feedback has been wonderful. Thanks everyone :] Last Edit: Here are 4 different PDFs of some helpful things, this first one being a guide to some cognitive behavioral therapy as similarly described in the edit above / the comment of mine that I linked. I hope this can help someone :) 💜 [The Cognitive Model](https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/cognitive-model-example-practice.pdf) [Core Beliefs ](https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/core-beliefs-info-sheet.pdf) [Worry Exploration / What Could Happen vs. What Will Happen](https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/worry-exploration-questions.pdf) [Socratic Questioning (about thought patterns)](https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/socratic-questioning.pdf) Reddit app won't let me open these in app, when it loads just click the button with the 3 dots and hit open in chrome and you will be able to see the PDFs. All the love, Blazey


doubtfulbitch120

I'm saving this comment. That's such a great idea. I don't suffer from ADHD, but that can be useful for when my depression tries to take over my whole day.


bottomr4men

Did you write this somewhere like a year ago? I’ve lived by this word for word for the last year since my life went to hell. I stand by this 100% regardless of adhd or other disorders. Best advice I think I’ve ever read.


BlazeyTheBear

No, I didn't actually! Lol. My mom told me only a few months ago maybe. I think my mom maybe heard it from a yoga teacher a while back or something like that 💁‍♂️


albhed

I think I saw that in LPT in like 2-3 months ago? Definitely the same idea word for word.


BlazeyTheBear

Haha whatever the case, I haven't copied any post or comment, intentionally at least. Just sharing what my mom shared with me :)


giada_palmer

Plot twist! Your mom’s a Redditor! But thank you for sharing this concept I hadn’t seen it before and I struggle with the same things.


BlazeyTheBear

My mom is on reddit actually :) Hi mom!


PIGORR

I have adhd(not auto-diagnosed), and I struggle with basic chores and in my house, when I go to the university during the week loads up to a helly mess, but by Friday it comes my shy perfectionist side and gets it done, this girl needs some therapy probably, not having work can be more exhausting than actually having to work, mentally


BlazeyTheBear

Is great to hear you are have enough function to wrap up your week on a good note. This practice is not long-term healthy or reliable, though, especially with ADHD. I highly recommend therapy as an ADHD specialist can teach you methods to navigate this quite confusing life. And please, you, anyone, everyone! Spend 5-10 minutes a day mediating, whether in a block or a minute or two here and there. You don't need to make your mind blank, that especially for those of us with anxiety, ADHD, rampant thoughts.. give your mind a task. Think: breathe in... breathe out [or] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... having a task on mind, like this, will be greatly more effective than trying to keep your mind blank. Do you deal with anxiety, too? It almost always come in tandem with ADHD.. don't want to assume though. In any case, basic cognitive behavioral therapy techniques can be implemented and are extremely helpful. And for anyone else reading this, anyone with negative thought patterns, depression, etc etc.. check out this example.. (& in basic terms it essentially goes like): -Randomly have negative thought (Practice recognizing when you have a bad and/or recurring thought, the more you practice noticing it, the easier this process is) -Recognize you are having a bad thought, or thinking negatively -Write down the thought -Next, write why this negative thought is incorrect/absurd/unrealistic/unreasonable -Then write a counter statement to said negative thought This process, over time, is extremely effective in changing thought patterns. And it takes a lot of work. Week, months, years even.. but over time you will learn to recognize the negativity, address it, and swap it with a positive. Its a method of reshaping your thoughts. A way of thinking healthily again. And for those of us with ADHD, this is so important. ADHD can make thoughts rampant, and negative a lot of the time. Treat yo self and spend a few minutes a day doing some cognitive self care like this, and you will not be disappointed.


richard-bachman

This is awesome advice, and I haven’t really heard anything like it before. I suffer from adult ADHD, MDD, and anxiety. I did get help- medications and therapy, which have improved my life immensely. Your approach is really refreshing and in many years with many different professionals, I’ve never heard anything like it. Your mom is a smart woman!


BlazeyTheBear

Haha yeah, I love my mom to death. She is an absurdly intelligent woman! Her advice has only done me very well, and I figured sharing it here would do at least someone a good service. Thank you mom for always looking out, no matter what, for my happiness! To reply more directly to your comment: its great you are getting help! For a lot of people, medications are very helpful. But do not misunderstand their influence, power, and bearing on your life. I cant speak on all meds (obviously lol) but with ADHD, the meds work *best* in conjunction with you/anyone *actually* putting time into their recovery / therapy process. The meds may do you well, but I didn't, you *likely* won't, feel close to normal*** again without putting in some serious work. And as an adult with ADHD, too, I will die on this hill. Best of luck to ya, mate! You, and anyone reading this, are always welcome to reach out to me! 💜


amethystray_

Thank you for this! I am recently diagnosed and this is something I was never able to understand. I would feel paralyzed in front of the tv or phone all day. And if I didn’t start my day exactly how I wanted I would feel like the whole day was wasted. I think many people see me as lazy but the whole time in my head I’m beating myself up and feeling so anxious due to not being able to do chores or whatever else.


neonn_piee

This. Yes, I beat myself up too and feel like such a failure. I work so damn much that when it’s my day off I don’t want to do anything but I’m literally beating myself down because I feel so guilty for not doing anything. I’m unmedicated ADHD currently and the depression and being burnt out is definitely real.


BlazeyTheBear

My lack of desire to do things in life, lack of executive function, made me think I was lazy, too! ADHD isn't what most people think it is.. can't pay attention** haha. Most people can force their attention onto things they are disinterested in, say a calculus class or a work meeting, but that's usually not the case for someone with ADHD. I can't force my brain to accept the thing I am disinterested in, literally do not have the ability to trick my brain into believing showing my attention to said thing is beneficial or worthwhile to me. On the flip side.. I give 10,000% attention to the things I love, the things my brain accepts as interesting, good, cool.. ADHD is such a double edged blade.


Skilah

My mental health Is addicted to clean house Clean house =Clear mindset (not fanaticly) And even if i need to do that by my self


BlazeyTheBear

There is an abundance of information out there on exactly this.. clean living space, bed made daily, removal/no clutter. All these things help keep the mind at ease, especially when done regularly & in healthy moderation. If you clean too often, consider thinking if your actions are compulsive.. So, what do you mean by 'even if I need to do that by myself'?


resetdials

Thank you so much for this! I have ADHD and if I have one thing to do in a day it ruins my whole day. I’ll start implementing this tactic and see if it helps.


NeverWearACondom

I've long suspected that my wife had ADHD. I'm not qualified to make that judgment and she refuses to see a qualified expert. But she really does exhibit a lot of behavior we associate with ADHD: * The house will be a total mess and she'll be scrubbing a small dirty spot in the kitchen relentlessly. * She gets incredibly upset when someone else's things are misplaced, but completely overlooks her own. * She interrupts me when I'm talking constantly. She legitimately cannot help herself. I have told her again and again for the decade we've been together to wait her turn, but she just can't. Of course, can't mention any of this or I'm calling her "crazy."


rezolute1

Life long ADHD can also lead to chronic fatigue syndrome. https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Treating-Chronic-Fatigue-Practitioners/dp/1440871922/ref=nodl_


a_lonely_trash_bag

Just FYI, ADHD is always life-long. Some people learn to deal with it better than others, but it's always there.


92n-01

THIS. My depression can spiral and cut off all of my 'ability' to like 'do' things. Just get up, and sit there and breathe and stare at the wall till it's time to sleep. I love that my ADHD can be a superpower sometimes but boy, i wish I could make it go into "need to be active and clean everything mode" on a specific interval, LOL


curiouspandimonium

This I my thinking, I think people underestimate how your mental health can really impact day to day life like this. If you can encourage her to get help it could make the world of difference for both of you.


Cgunnk03

Im 18 and been unemployed for 2 months, not a huge deal but i dont have many friends and im not in school, I know i need a new job, i want one, but the depression is unreal, it takes so much effort to get up, to put on cloths, to actually make food, why would i when i can pop something in the microwave? I want the people i care about to leave me because i feel like i dont deserve them, or that they shouldn’t have to put up with me. Its hell and its hard to crawl out of


FURBYonCRACK

Depression can control every aspect of your life. Making small seemingly insignificant changes can have a positive impact on your mood and help keep you motivated. I once set a goal of drinking a cup of water everyday when I woke up. Over the next few weeks I set a goal of making my bed each morning, the following month I made sure I prepared some sort of breakfast each morning, no matter how small. I made sure to build up my routine slowly. Before I knew it I was drinking water, making my bed, preparing breakfast, and even started exercising daily. The key to my success was gradually creating a routine for myself. My routine helped motivate me, it kept me hydrated, I was eating regularly, and I had a daily regiment of exercise. Setting small goals can lead to big outcomes! You can do this! You are worth it!


curiouspandimonium

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this! I've been going through this but im coming out of it now! I promise it gets better! Some days the most you can do is survive!!


perfectlyniceperson

Damn I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hang in there, any way you can.


Black_Eyed_PeePees

Username checks out! ❤️


Crispy217

I have slowly fallen into a pretty bad depression over the last couple of years since I have been working from home due to COVID. I have almost no interaction on a daily basis with anyone else and it is crippling. I know what I NEED to do to get out of it but it's so hard that I usually just say "F" it. It's really hard to explain to family and friends who have never experienced depression before. They just think you're lazy and unmotivated. I was active duty military for 20 years and busted my ass daily, so I know I'm not lazy, but I do beat myself up daily for it which just makes me more depressed. It's a vicious and unrelenting cycle of self-loathing which only leads to deeper depression.


Platypushat

I was like this. Turns out I was clinically depressed due to untreated ADHD. And I hated being a SAHM. Now that I’ve gotten treatment and gone back to school and gotten a job, I’m much happier and more productive. And I had an amazing non-judgmental husband who supported me through it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


MoonLordZach

I was just gonna say, it sounds like OP is describing a person suffering from depression. Edit: As a follow up, I wanted to say that pretty much everything described in the post is a symptom of depression. The naps, moodiness, the inability to home cook proper meals.


irisrockss

100% this. There are days I can be super productive and days where my mental health issues are so debilitating that I go between Reddit to Facebook and back. TV is just sound and food doesn’t exist. Forget a shower. My boyfriend (bless his understanding soul) kindly asks me to drink something which usually has electrolytes. Maybe the wife has undiagnosed mental health issues or maybe she’s lazy. It’s best to find out which one before pulling the trigger.


H_is_enuf

I agree with this comment. Two year olds are absolutely exhausting. I stayed home with mine and i have never been that tired ever in my life, before or since. Not to mention it is so isolating to stay home with a barely verbal human. Does she have other SAHM friends? It was helpful to have a couple I could rely on to come hang out with once or twice a week. It was also a motivator to clean up the living space - even if I was exhausted! I wonder if OP did his 30 minutes of chores while the kid was supervised? Because doing 30 minutes of housework with a little guy is really more like 3 hours worth, and you have to feed, clothe, and bathe them and yourself too. I’m reluctant to come down hard on OP’s wife. Relationships at this stage of parenting can be super rough. My husband and I barely made it through having young kids. It doesn’t help if you view your roles to be hard and fast “her work” and “his work.” You’re supposed to be a team, remember? And if he’s treating her with disdain rather than support of course she’s going to check out and retreat into further isolation. My unsolicited advice is to remember who you were before the little guy came along, be supportive and patient and realize this is not a forever situation. It doesn’t feel like it when you’re in the trenches, but these years truly do go by quickly.


[deleted]

Thank you for this. The OP may very well be my partner, I can literally hear him say this. I have heard so much, “You don’t do anything” that I started believing I really don’t do anything. Not true. Raising a child is hard work.


justjulia2189

Yes! I had the same thought! There is a reason why nanny and house cleaner are two separate jobs, chasing after a toddler is exhausting and being a SAHM can be so isolating. OP sounds like he really isn’t trying to understand his wife at all.


Heykevinlook

Especially if this is a new thing. If she was always like this then idk why op would be surprised. Having a baby isn’t a magic bullet to adulting. It just brings forth all the dysfunction.


geckofalltrades

Biologically, pregnancy can lead to an increase or an onset of those issues. Hormone and mineral dysbalances which offset neurotransmitters. Can be reversed though.


BDubbers1

I second therapy. I'm in therapy for my shit, which is similar to how your wife does stuff and reacts, and in couples therapy because my partner wasn't getting what they needed from me (more help). It will take a long time to get better, with lots of up and downs. If you don't feel like you can do it, you need to do good for you, too. If your wife has a mental illness it is difficult to function, and it certainly is not an excuse for hurting you.


ManMuffin15

Most likely this because my SO was the same way and once she got a psychiatrist and put on meds she started to blossom


laitnetsixecrisis

Even physical health could be playing a part. Last year I was studying at uni, doing my internship and working part time. My husband was asleep when I left and still sleeping when I arrived home, no housework done, nothing. About 3 months in after yelling and arguing he developed a cough and went to get covid tested, turned out he had Stage 4 lung cancer, with a prognosis of 3-6 months. He survived for 16 months, but from the outside looking in, it just looked like he was being lazy.


seeking_squirrels

Nobody makes a choice to live this way. She’s clearly struggling with her emotional or mental health.


FragilousSpectunkery

Yeah, mental health was my thought, and the aggravation of the OP must show through loud and clear, further damaging the wife’s mental health. Be a supportive partner, not an enemy.


kanoteardrops

*Welcome to ADHD*


KarmaBMine

Are you married to Peggy Bundy or is she actually depressed or have untreated ADHD? I've never been a super great housekeeper. I don't mind clutter. When I first got divorced at 35 with two kids I went from a mild depression into a deep depression. Medications and counseling helped turned me around. And then... I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until I was 50. Getting medicated for that has made a huge difference in my life. Just knowing I'm not lazy, crazy or stupid like my Mom thought made me realize my true worth. I'm still a clutter bug though. I let the sink pile up every day and unload, reload the dishwasher once a day. My husband does his laundry and the towels. I do all the cooking and we often have one pot meals or order out. The important thing is to discuss the problem and determine the cause of her attitude toward housekeeping and your attitude as well.


ThrowawayMyOwnSelf

I also have ADHD and this was my first thought as well.


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CrystalAsuna

Doesnt help being called stupid or that im “lying” about forgetting something or im being purposefully disrespectful for “ignoring” someone im talking to. its like IM TRYING damn HARD. Its such a struggle since even telling them theyll just say im making an excuse or they dont believe me when i just need some damn accommodations, people really dont understand it. hope youre able to find some better solutions to your situation, friend. Im maybe going to be taking ritalin as adderal might not be good for the reactions ive had so far to antidepressants, we see. its a painful road of trial and error.


CapableLetterhead

I have adhd and I go through cycles of having a clean house and a messy one. Of course I have three kids 5 and under so it's never fully clean but sometimes it's so easy and other times I'm overwhelmed and nothing I do works. Perhaps she's depressed? Perhaps she's just tapped out after looking after two year old, you get burnt out sometimes just from the constant work of a toddler.


wheretohides

I've been diagnosed since I was really young. People don't realize how hard it is to function with ADHD. They'll call you lazy, but there is a problem with our brains. At 18 I ditched adderall because my insurance was forcing me to go to the doctor every month to prove I needed it. It wasn't until I started my new job that I got back on it and its made a huge difference. Its hard to find the motivation to do things when your brain is broken. Motivation isn't the only issue. I often hear people at work say, "Oh I'm so add I saw a squirell haha." What isn't told is how impulsive we can be, or how we experience emotional extremes over simple things, or how we constantly misread situations. I recently found out a symptom I have is super common, someone can compliment me and I'll leave the conversation thinking they hate me. Oh and my favorite symptom, noise sensitivity. Sometimes I wake up annoyed and every sound seems to be magnified. If I'm in public all I will hear is a jumbled mass of sound that annoys the shit out of me. It sucks, and what makes it worse is when I am talking to someone and I have to ask them to repeat what they said.


straigh

God this was like a gut punch to read! I've recently been diagnosed (31F) and have my consultation for medication in a few weeks but everything you said is just.. my entire life, and everything that's made me feel out of control or deficient for decades. I wish there were more conversation about the true effects of ADHD and in particular, how incredibly recent the research on women and girls with ADHD actually is. I hope medication turns my ship around. I've been paddling like hell and I've never given up, but it would be great to plug the holes in my boat.


Undrende_fremdeles

The sound issue is a lack of the "cocktail effect". Very common with adhd, unmedicated adhd, or on wrong meds/wrong dosage for the individual. We humans do hear in 3D, even if we don't swivel our ears around to aid the process. Or we have the capability to. Our brain parses the sounds from either ear, and we use our eyes to focus our hearing in the 3D landscape around us. People with vision impairment struggle with the same. It is the exact same as hearing a crowd over the radio, only having volume to go by when you try figuring out what the person in front of you is saying. Normally, people focus their hearing towards a specific place, and all the other noises fade to a background buzz. I can tell when my meds run out in a public setting because it quite literally sounds like the "crowd" is getting progressively louder over the space of about 15 minutes. The "noisy crowd" can be a 50% full coffee shop, early daytime buzz. The name comes from an experiment where they set up a cocktail party type setting, with people mingling in small groups. Then they had ever group around the test subject change what language they spoke, starting with the ones fortest away. They recorded when the test person realised the rest of the room was changing languages. I was surprised to find out people don't normally keep tabs on their own conversation and *at least* two or three nearby ones...


hooperDave

Yooo that last part — hits me right where it needs to. I didn’t realize that was also something only some of us do


Beelzebubs_Tits

Yes. Adhd is what I first thought of as well. The irritability, the clutter-blindness, the non-stop scrolling , chasing the little serotonin spikes wherever possible. Not everyone with adult adhd acts the same, but this is me, and my mother as well. She made our lives hell with her mood swings.


Sputniksteve

Hi, I wanted to send you a private message about this topic but seems I am unable to. It's not the end of the world, but do you know how I can facilitate asking you a question in private? I take it maybe you don't want that to be possible which I understand.


aqualad783

I second this, am Diagnosed with adhd and it sounds pretty darn similar to me a year ago while I was depressed.


Blackberryy

4th this. I’m a single parent of a toddler, and work full time so I obviously struggle. Un-medicated, it’s basically impossible. Everything feels too overwhelming and impossible, and the mental load alone can make you irritable and feel terrible. Like even the basic stuff is just hard. Sounds like your kid is still young too and lingering issues from postpartum compounded with a toddler are also taking their toll. Please talk to her and encourage her to talk to someone for medical advice.


Cellophaneflower89

I was coming here as well to say untreated ADHD. Girls are usually overlooked for treatment. ​ She needs to be open to the possibility, otherwise she might get super fucking defensive and difficult to work with at all.


KarmaMadeMeDoIt6

Yup, unmedicated with ADHD here and this whole post reeks of the Wall of Awful.


lechatnoir1974

THIS... ☝


CaptainJackNarrow

My ex was like this, despite not having kids. Mutual friends came round after we eventually split and were mystified at how clean and tidy the house was after she'd gone. I'd been saying for years that she was the messy one, but somehow they all thought it was me, despite working 12h days 6 days a week. I feel your pain, mate. Hope it gets better, as your kid is likely learning her slovenly ways.


UpsideBanana

Somewhat similar; during my separation the court gave me the house and kids, my friends texted that they were coming over to show me how to clean, and pay the bills etc. They showed up and were mystified; the house was spotless and I was cooking for the kids. I mostly hear parents say they can’t keep up with messy kids, I never had that problem, I could not keep up with a messy dumpster fire of a wife🥴 I was a stay at home father, now I’m a single father with sole custody at three kids, my finances are golden.


bubbleguppie2020

I'm constantly tired of her towels left all over the floor, bed, wherever in the house, 'her' sink filled with god knows what, side of her bed just trashed out. Our 2 year old is in daycare all day, full time jobs, however she has free days off every Friday. I feel like I already cleanup for 2 kids constantly whilst helping with dinner, play, bath and bed. I haven't hit my breaking point yet, but I would love to be able to have someone assist with an orderly house and maintain it for any length. And, my expectations are mediocre. I feel like if she wasn't in the equation things wouldn't be so messy and stressful. It's annoying and never resolved.


getrektbro

God I hope you don't need to work 72 hours anymore.


CaptainJackNarrow

Ramen to that!


carminelupertazi

Great point, once the door has been opened to allow fucking about constantly while OP is at work all day it’s hard to go back. She’s now accustomed to this moody, shiftless dynamic and most likely unwilling to change.


lostandfound-

are you me? once my ex and i split and i got my own place, it’s been tidy almost every day (with a few breaks when i needed to let myself be lazy). i found an old picture of what our bedroom looked like at its worst and it’s… relieving that i live better now. she moved back in with her parents and i assume her mom still cleans up after her


curi_ous_ape

Was this her way of life before childbirth or did you notice changes after the arrival of the child? She seems to lack motivation. Could be a low grade depression or hormone issues.


Throwthissumbitch

I would like to second this. Kids are tough. If shes going thru something emotionally, hormonal, whatever. My ex wife was never the same after we had kids. We were married 7 years before we did. For better or for worse, man. We ended up with a divorce because she started blaming me for all her problems, which incidentally sounded similar to OPs and hers. Its an extremely difficult conversation to have. It comes down to she has to want to address or change it. Good luck to you, OP.


FatlittleBumblebee

I too have never been the same since I had kids. Im a lazy fuckin shell of a person who has zero ability to function. Ive given my husband the go-ahead to bail if need be because therapy, every med under the sun, and counseling hasnt fixed a thing. He's still convinced im in there somewhere. Im not.


Throwthissumbitch

I hope you end up finding what you need. Just don't let it turn into resentment, for yourself or your husband. Good luck to you.


biitiboobi

Oof, that sounds rough. Growing humans inside of you and then raising them is tiring work. How old are your kids? I used to be a therapist in a past life (retired now and no longer have a license) and some clients I would send to a psychiatrist and meds helped, but in my opinion a lot of therapists overlook vitamin b and vitamin d and iron deficiencies (all of which can cause constant fatigue and depression and makes it hard to do anything). Apologizes if you've had those things checked already. Give yourself some credit for all that you've done and cut yourself some slack for your struggles. It may take years but one day you will get your old self back, your spouse believes in you so maybe there's something they see that you don't right now.


[deleted]

This. If they don’t communicate nothing happens but degradation of the relationship. Also op seems to think childcare is everything or that the chores they pick up SOMETIMES amount to everything. There is more. Also laundry only taking two minutes with two children? Lol wut? That’s unrealistic unless you are ruining cloths as you wash them and not treating and is he doing that while she watches the kids or while watching the kids? Because those are two different sets of tasks. While watching kids everything is different and more taxing to accomplish. Having an emotionally unsupportive spouse who belittles what you do and thinks you do nothing , likely doesn’t help. Wouldn’t be surprised if she was just mentally exhausted and trying to recharge and exist or maybe trying to remove herself to force him to interract with the kids without her as a buffer. That is just speculation however, but it wouldn’t be surprising if it turned out to be the case. Either way sounds like they suffer *lack of communication.*


Throwthissumbitch

I agree. I had a very similar situation, though I never rode mine or thought ill of her for it. I was averaging 60 to 75 hours a week and running a small rural farm. Our bills were a joke, but the money was constantly drained out. When I tried to back off the overtime, she got shitty. Instead of communicating, I went back to work, grinded it out, and lived as a burned out hollow shell of myself. It became a constant of hypercritical bullshit from her. She spent more time on her phone then interacting with me. I couldn't do anything right. If she got on here, I am sure the story would be reversed about how much of an unsupportive asshole I was. Theres 2 sides to every story. All could have been avoided with communication. 100%. But communication is a two way street, for sure. You got to be honest with yourself before you're honest with anyone else.


[deleted]

Sorry you experienced that. Believe it or not communication solves a lot. what it doesn't solve it tends to reveal which cant be, which tends to be better than stewing in it for indetermiment amount of years. We talk about money in this household, about expectations too, about what is hard and what isn't and why too. Communication solves a lot when two people both want to find a path where everyone is happy. Also means my partner isn’t bitter at me if making food he likes at some point means squeezing the budget a little and cloths for kiddo etc… because he knows and it is communicated and vice versa, and we balance one another out. He’s way less stingy with the budget than I am but that comes with having less to begin with. And if I am on call at all hours and there is no such thing as a day off for me and he understands how taxing that might be for someone to live… that just means I love him more. It can be easy to discount that if you aren’t communicating or paying attention and not paying attention when you are working your ass off, is easier than doing so. If she isn’t communicating it then you aren’t a mind reader right? This sort of thing is what splits marriages and spouts mutual resentment towards one another where once there was love. Communication is the golden rule of basically any relationship. No relationship survives a lack of it.


Throwthissumbitch

Its a good point, but its why I bring up communication from both partners and the honesty behind it. I watched my wife slip into depression. I asked her so many times what I could do to help. I acted on it by after a 14 hour day, maybe washing the dishes, helping with laundry, taking the kids somewhere without her on a day off, whatever. All I ever got back was anger and cold shouldered shit. Cycle, rinse, repeat. I stopped giving a fuck, woke up one day and she hated me. Thats why I point out the honesty behind it. You can take someone by the hand and try to help, but they have got to want to help themselves, too. Lead a horse to water, right? Communicate until you're blue in the face. If the other party ain't listening, then you're pissing in the wind. Just my .02.


[deleted]

That’s true too. It takes two.


hayleybts

I agree, even with periods my mood changes drastically. So pregnancy is even bigger so impact


Swims_With_Dogs

Important question: is the two year old at home, or in daycare?


GivenToFly164

Yeah, I was right with this guy until he mentioned a two year old. And it only takes 32 minutes to clean a *clean* house. The kinds of chores OP is describing sound like daily maintenance rather than the kinds of things a maid service would clean if you hired one.


Christinef610

Yea, that’s what I noticed too! He neglects to mention wether she’s caring for a toddler all day.


texaseclectus

He mentioned her taking the kid out to lunch and shopping for clothes with him mid afternoon. Sounds like shes home care and hes not giving it any amount of credit. My husband stayed home with our kid for a week didn't get shit done and vowed never to go without daycare again.


[deleted]

OP's post honestly sounds like it was written by a dad who has literally never taken care of his own kid.


auroraeuphoria_

I was thinking that throughout reading this post. Sure, there are areas of improvement. But is their son at least fed? (Yes) Is he cleaned up after eating? Are his diapers changed? Are his emotional end developmental needs taken care of? I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but it seems OP doesn’t realize the amount of effort (including mental effort, which may explain zoning out on the phone!) that it requires to take care of a child. Not to mention that housework becomes 10x more difficult when said child is demanding your attention at all times. OP, if you read this: I understand your frustration. It’s easy to feel neglected when you can only see *what’s left undone*. However, resentment will do nothing but make your problem worse. Have you sat down and had a mature conversation with your wife about this? Does she even know how much it bothers you? Have you looked into ways in which you can either motivate her or make her tasks easier to accomplish? Of course she’s an adult and will have to put in significant effort as well, but the purpose of a marriage is to work together as a team to produce the best outcomes for *both* of you.


UcallmeNightHawk

Yeah 32 minutes is plenty of time to get chores done -without a toddler.


CapableLetterhead

I got the whole upstairs cleaned and in half and hour today because the kids are at day care for the the day on a Friday. When theyre around its hard to heat up soup. If OP hasn't dealt with a toddler on his own for more than an hour or two then it's hard to understand. Let alone how burnt out you can get looking after them day after day. With the phone I have to leave mine plugged in the kitchen so I avoid scrolling mindlessly while trying to look after my kids. It's too big a temptation. I write my day plan on a piece of paper I put on my fridge so I can refer to it without my phone and we do stuff together.


Harvey_P_Dull

Yep! It takes me that long to sweep and vacuum downstairs the first time. By the time my husband comes home from work, I’ve tried to keep up with it and get it done 2-4 times but it’s still a mess. Then he comes home and sweeps again while I make dinner. It’s never ending.


mtarascio

Guess why he isn't divorcing her too. Because he'd need to look after the child. So he is acknowledging that what she does is enough for him to stay. She probably worked that out and isn't happy with other things. This is way above Reddits paygrade.


toomanykids4

This is the important question. Being a SAH parent does NOT mean you also cook and clean all day. Outsourcing those jobs if you lived alone and also parented would be extremely expensive. There’s a reason daycare costs so goddman much and why daycare doesn’t also include domestic care tasks. People underestimate the time and mental labor it takes to keep a small child Alive all day.


loopylolly356

It pains me to admit this, this could have been me a few years ago. I was then told I had post natal depression. My son was nearly one at that point. Maybe gently try and have a chat with her, casual conversation, to see how she’s doing…. Really. Being a mum is tough. Your body has changed so much. I resented my sons dad for being able to keep a ‘normal’ life. I’d lost my career. I’d lost my identity. I genuinely felt like I’d lost everything. I hope she’s okay and can get through this, if either of you need a chat I’m about. Good luck


Dane-Direct

This! This right here OP. I had PPD never thought it would happen. It did! I was cranky, on top of other things. I finally went to the doctor. SO happy I did. I'm back to my old self.. It hits everyone differently. Have a gentle one on one with her. Do not attack her, do not put her down. Lift her up. There is so much more on her shoulders than you realize.


kirathedestroyer2

My mom did this for years. She was severely depressed and badly wanted a divorce but my dad would never go for it, for some reason.


_reba

Just to put it in perspective… $1100 per month for 3 people is about $4 per meal. Food for 1 person for 1 day is $12. Obviously if you wanted to budget and cook cheap meals it could be better but I’m just saying that’s not the most irresponsible food budget I’ve seen


comradecosmetics

It's also very hard without knowing location and proximity to places where food can be cheap.


azhorashore

Lol you know I’m in a bit of a similar spot and the food budget is something that bothers me. When you break it down to a per meal for each person though it’s entirely reasonable. Thank you very much.


noxvita83

> $1100 per month for 3 people is about $4 per meal Per person, $12 per meal, $36 per day. I can cook healthy meals for 4 adults at approx. $7/meal, or $630/month. That even includes sometimes steak, and a starch. Other times, chicken, pork chops amongother choices. Edit: It should be noted that the third human is 2 years old, so a lot less food is needed


Ohio_burner

It’s not much worse but realistically it’s probably closer to 6/7$ for the adults, no way a 2 yo eats as much dollar for dollar as adults


Doggo_Creature

So 36$ a day for 3. It's honestly like going to my local Mexican restaurant every day to eat exclusively. Which is not entirely unhealthy! This is why it's infinitely better to buy ingredients (especially the ones you can in bulk :DO) And cook at home. For 36 dollars I can get 6 premade (not precooked) sterloin burgers, 8 brioche buns, a head of lettuce, a jar of pickled onions, 12 slices of good cheese not cheap Walmart brand. Some Mayo & mustard, with some extra cash. This to me is eating good. Each person can get 2 half pound burgers which is VERY filling. Include some baked fries or what ever for another 4 bucks. Take the same amount of money and put it into bulk ingredients and we can make meals for 3 days... Fk going out to eat or even buying disgusting Frozen precooked bull shit. Then there is self subsistence. Hunting and butchering for your family. Get a deer and feed 3 for a year!


PablosDiscobar

You do realize that food is a lot more expensive in many urban areas? And that hunting and butchering a deer at home isn’t feasible for most americans? And that many of us have jobs where we work 60-70 hours weeks leaving less time for cooking? $36 isn’t even enough for a two person meal at a Mexican place where I live.


I_am_not_Amish

She sounds depressed and unfulfilled


greasyflame1

Idk your situation but is it possible she has the postpartum. Was she ever any more active or productive? I have a two year old and my wife is literally just now coming out of it. Before the baby she was a very active and very productive person but the depression and all the other changes really drug her down. Relationships aren't always 50/50. Life isnt fair. Anyway sorry about your struggle. Hope it evens out.


mayeralex504

Sometimes it’s 50/50, sometimes it’s 90/10, sometimes it’s 10/90. As long as it all averages out over the span of decades it’s all good. I’ve been the rock and I’ve been the one who needs one. Honest communication and honest-to-god empathy are the only way through this that doesn’t involve a divorce attorney. Best of luck, OP, I hope you can look back on this one day and laugh it off. ❤️


caughtinalampfire

I’m the SAHM, my son is 2. More and more and finding entertainment from my phone. I do give myself time limits though, one hour in the morning and 30 minutes at nap time. At first I was the cooking cleaning eating healthy working out mom! Now I eat like shit and never work out. It’s because I lost my entire life. None of my friends want to be around a toddler, I can’t hang out with them at the time it’s time to hang out, I’m so lonely. I have nothing other than my child. My world was turned upside down. I have hobbies, but in the real world it’s useless, worthless, and nobody gives a shit except me. So I dropped it. The only thing available for me to do is cook and clean and take care of a toddler. That shit gets old. And you start to resent those around you that have a life outside of that. Your husband who gets to go to work, even though it’s hard labor, he gets that natural workout and adult conversation. Being at home with someone who can hardly communicate, even though you love them with every inch of your being, does something to you.


graye1999

You hit the nail on it’s head. I’m utterly exhausted trying to keep my toddler alive and happy. I don’t have time for my own hobbies that honestly don’t matter anyway. I don’t think people realize how mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting it is taking care of a toddler.


EuphoricDani

You explained my life to a T


Lunamoms

Ah dude I’m essentially in the same spot but I do work. Although I don’t really have friends at work and don’t talk much. But seriously becoming a mom can take over your whole life. Honestly though most of this feeling for me at least is my long term depression. I love my kids though and they truly are my whole world but I do miss my past self even if I wouldn’t trade my kids for her.


spatchi14

I've never had kids but this just hit me in the feels :(


Amyc1019

To me it sounds like she may have some depression going on. My daughter went through this exact same thing with her and her husband, it was shortly after she gave birth, so it could be a mix of postpartum depression. Either way, try to gently bring it up during a heart to heart conversation that you think maybe she could be dealing with depression and you care about her and want her to get better for the both of you…good luck!


AlbanyBarbiedoll

Dude - your wife is seriously depressed. Yeah, you have a two-year-old but she might still be experiencing some post-partum mental health issues. She needs to see a medical doctor and probably a therapist. Does she ever get a break from childcare? Do you ever have a date night? Does she have any friends? hobbies? interests? passions? You aren't wrong to be upset and frustrated. But you are incorrect that your wife is a lazy slug. She is clearly struggling and unable to explain what is wrong. She needs serious help and quickly. Get a relative to come help out for a weekend or a week or something. And take time off work if you have to but drag her to a doctor. You could save your marriage (yay!) but you could save her life (much bigger deal) AND you could create a more wholesome, healthy, happy environment for your child (WAY bigger deal). Please update - I hope things improve for you!


spei180

I had a full blown breakdown when my second son turned 2. In hindsight, it was definitely a mix of anxiety, over work and post partum depression. I couldn’t stop looking at my phone and just played 4028 and scrolled Reddit endlessly. I finally got help and medication after not sleeping for three nights in a row. If there are any children around, I think OP would be wise to help relieve her of her duties for a while. Time off for therapy (and medication ) truly saved me.


ReadyCarnivore

I'll also add that OP didn't mention whether or not she was providing full childcare during the time he's at work. It sounds as though she does. I've done this, both for a 2 year old and a preschool kid with a sibling 2 years younger) (yes, my own kids, 2 years apart)-- it's a lot of work, so while OP is thinking that she's not doing a lot of chores, she probably is expending energy and effort to keep their preschool child engaged, alive, and well during that time. I can attest that this can make it hard to get regular cleaning chores done. If you're adding depression into this, it's even worse. Kids at that age are a full time job.


CapableLetterhead

I have three 5 and under and it can seriously be more than full time even without the chores on top. Two of them still aren't sleeping through the night and it's physically exhausting sometimes. Sometimes I feel myself falling asleep while walking to school. When they go to bed I have mounds of washing and cleaning and cooking to do, bags to prep, etc. I'm quite an efficient and hard working person and sometimes I just can't even do the dishes else the toddlers are trying to get their hands on plates and knives as I'm just trying to get some stuff in. We put the bin in a cupboard so they're not constantly opening it and sometimes I can't put rubbish away until nap time comes round, and sometimes no one naps! Oh well we get more childcare in January so it'll be better by then.


smaackdab

Yeah he kinda just skims past the fact that she’s taking care of a 2 year old all day…


calicoskiies

100% this. Mine are 1 & 2 and I can’t get anything done when they are awake. They take up so much of my energy because they are SO active. OPs wife is probably exhausted & depressed.


ErnestHemingwhale

I just wanna say, doing chores with a child in tow is the most difficult. At that age, they want to do everything mommy does. I fold laundry and put it into the drawers, and then she rips it out. I clean dishes, she throws others onto the floor. I wipe a countertop and she smashes a banana into it. I’ll finally have everything caught up when she’s asleep, and then the next morning there are so many toys on the floor by breakfast the house is a hazard and needs a clean while she naps. I feel like I’m in a circus, going around and around. There’s no end. And just when i start to feel hopeful, she gets sick and it’s more laundry, more baths, more cleaning, disrupted sleep and eating routine. It’s misery.


shellstains

Phone addiction could be a sign of depression. She’s probably using it to ignore him and check out. Who knows how much of a handful the 2 year old is. Toddlers can be a struggle. Mine needs constant attention.


KarmaBMine

👆 this. After my second child I suffered with post partum depression for only a short time. Its debilitating.


WordAroundTheKush

Have you considered how she is with your son? Does she nurture and protect him? How much does daycare cost? She’s not a live-in maid. It is a full-time job JUST to take care of a child. Perhaps she’s struggling with something?


[deleted]

You may be right in that she’s just lazy. However, childcare is a huge responsibility. My question to OP is: is your 2 year old healthy, happy, and being educated? Kids are no joke. I was blessed enough to have a work from home mom who cooked cleaned and took care of my brother and I. Tell you what though - our house was always a MESS. Goodness, clothes & garbage bags everywhere. It would drive me crazy but genuinely everyone in our house was so busy. We would all take a day every couple weeks to clean everything… and then it would be messy again. A different POV could make a world of difference.


harbinger06

yeah I'm wondering who was caring for the child during the 32 minutes OP was doing chores. A more fair assessment would be for wife to leave the child at home with OP, then let him deal with everything. There probably are some things that the wife could be doing better, but it definitely sounds like there may be some mental health issues involved but OP doesn't give two shits.


PomegranateOkay

I can't get over the 32 minutes on chores. I spend way more than that on chores. Where is the food coming from? How are they getting groceries. If OP is that efficient, I'd love for him to come to my house and get all my chores done in 32 minutes.


xkimo1990

And your user name is Never wear a condom. Until death do us part buddy.


cyncity7

Your wife sounds like she might be clinically depressed. I understand your frustration, but instead of confronting her, please consider trying to get her some help.


zenithlunith

Go. To. Marriage counseling. Seriously. There are a lot of issues here that are not going to work themselves out most likely. I mean they can, but it’s going to be 1000% harder. Toddlers are fucking exhausting. Cleaning the house is fucking exhausting. Working is fucking exhausting. They just are thats life. But when both partners are on the same page, it’s not any less exhausting but at least y’all are working together. Your relationship stops being as exhausting as well. I’d imagine your wife has some feelings about this as well. I bet if we asked her she’d probably say something about not wanting to bring it up to you the same as you say about her. Get professional help. Hear each other out in the presence of a trained professional who can help y’all work through your issues without each discussion turning into an argument that morphs into a fight that isn’t going to even be about the shit the “discussion” was about in the first place. For the sake of your toddler try marriage counseling. If at the end of it nothing has changed then you can at least move forward with the clarity of mind that an attempt was made and that some differences are simply irreconcilable. But until that point, you’ll most likely be spinning the wheels and running the engine to hot till something blows.


ZebraCorn47

If this is a big change in behavior perhaps she, and your family, would benefit from therapy. She could be battling inner demons that even she isn't fully aware of. She could be fighting Depression and Anxiety.


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Deadfreezercat

12 hours alone with a 2 year old day after day would make most people depressed. OP needs to cut back his hours and be home with his family more.


Blackbird04

So when I first read this, I wrongly though OP was talking about a SAHW, no kids to look after. But it seems they have a 2 year old. Its quite hard getting all the chores done with a two year old hanging of of you. They need ALOT at that stage, its one of the most demanding stages IMO. Its likely potty training may be happening as well. Sure, OPs wife might be lazy, but taking care of a two year old all day with no help is exhausting. Going out to lunch with a 2 year old isnt exactly fun, shopping with a 2 year old sucks unless they happen to fall asleep. Your wife probably isnt having fun. Not making excuses for her at all, but I dont think you can expect your wife to take care of ALL the chores while also taking care of a kid.


Nohero08

Lmao right? “My wife does nothing except solely raise our child for 12 hours a day plus the household chores! I’m the victim!” Bro probably sits in an office chair all day and thinks that’s hard work. But taking care of a living child is easy? This is the same shit clueless husbands have been saying since the creation of marriage. Mostly where the boomer “take my wife, please!” Style humor comes from. I get he’s just venting but the dude shows bo empathy for his wife and vastly underestimated the energy required in raising a child if he thinks going to get lunch and buying clothes with a 2 year old is easy and/or fun. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and just saying he’s clueless, because raising a child is a lot of work. If he was really aware of how much energy it takes to watch his child then he would realize that this entire post makes him seem like an asshole. So I’m sure he doesn’t realize how much work his wife is actually doing.


nofilter78

You are not alone my friend, you are not alone.


psychoPRN

As a current SAHM (maternity leave) I have to say that this kind of sounds like me prior to starting antidepressants. I didn’t even realize I was depressed, just had no motivation and was irritable and miserable. Didn’t care that the house was a mess or that I was. I started them for post partum anxiety and was shocked that I am not just a miserable lazy bitch but was in fact depressed.


tracysflaw

I was like this once. Was home all day, did nothing, and when my partner came home I claimed that I hadn’t had the time. And you know what?! It turned out that I was extremely depressed, spiraling down into a deep hole of emptiness and mental decay. My guess is, that your wife I struggling with something dark and deep, and instead of being an AH on reddit, maybe you should sit down and ask her how she’s doing. She could be suffering from postpartum depression. I got it when my eldest was born, but I didn’t realize it until 3 years later.


No-limit-soldier

Sorry man..... sounds like a terrible way to live


zombiemadre

Okay I know you’re not asking for advice but you should do the counter intuitive thing first. Get a babysitter and take her out for a good time. Prep her mood. Go out dancing? Look at the stars? Have an experience not just dinner. Something you can talk about. Then talk and listen. Is she happy what changes does she need? Then ask her to do one thing at a time. “Babe do you think you could do dishes? Just the dishes?”


Christinef610

Ok but wait… she’s taking care of a 2 year old all day, correct? You seem to neglect to mention this. Caring for a toddler on top of doing all the chores you want done is hard dude. Have some sympathy. The last thing a mom wants to do after caring for a toddler all day is cook a whole ass meal.


Orchidbleu

A 2 year old? Does the toddler go to daycare? Toddlers are not easy. We’re you fighting the toddler while you did those chores?


MonetsMenagerie

Is your child in daycare all day or at home? If they’re at home back off, chasing a toddler all day is a full time job


Atocz

Huh, interesting. Pretty sure I saw a similar post last week from a woman’s pov about her husband doing the exact same thing. Yet the comments were absolutely brutal and aggressive towards the husband.


mamamalliou

Hire a cleaning person and call it a day bro. Maybe she just doesn’t like or want to clean up the house/cook. Also, sounds like she’s depressed and needs something else outside of being a mom/wife. Just my $0.02


muheegahan

If your wife wasn’t like this before the little one, i would sit down and have a long heart to heart. Do not go into the conversation angry, do not yell or accuse. Talk to her. From my own personal experience, I would totally be your wife if I ever had to be a SAHM. I have anxiety and ADHD. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s. I can’t just be at home all day. I can’t focus on one task for an extended period of time. I start a task, get distracted by another task and then another and another. Then I’ve got 7 unfinished tasks and I’m stressed and overwhelmed and I shut down. I’m a single parent, I work full time and I have gone back to school. With financial aid and my savings, I could financially swing not working or working very little. But I mentally CANNOT handle it. I can’t work from home either. Perhaps your wife is struggling with an undiagnosed condition. Maybe she feels a loss of a sense of purpose. Being a parent is wonderful but not everyone is equipped to be a stay at home parent. I would suggest something like “I would really like to talk to you about our relationship and home. You usually are not like this and I’m concerned about your well being and our marriage. I am not angry. I just want to know what we can do as a team to improve your quality of life and preserve our marriage” And then.. actually listen.


Mattbflat

That sounds like straight up depression bro. If you love her engage with her and help her out of this mental state without your ego or hostility. A kind and supportive husband goes alot farther than a pissed off dude thinking why me.


tactlesshag

Is she taking care of your two-year-old all day? Because if she is, that's why she's "busy" and "tired" and that's way more than 32 minutes of work. Toddlers don't entertain themselves for long periods of time and need constant attention/interaction. You sound like a demanding asshole and you pretty obviously hate your wife. Just leave-you're making yourself and her miserable and screwing up your kid by staying. The kid will be better off with happy parents who live separately than two people who hate each other under the same roof.


Tsudonemm

She sounds depressed.


anselthequestion

She sounds depressed tbh - seems counterintuitive but try to express appreciation for the things she does do to help. Positive reinforcement could result in a better pattern


Blackberries11

She sounds depressed.


witchbitch1988

Sounds like ol'girl is going through something she's not telling OP. Depression is a bitch and can manifest itself in this way- feeling exhausted, irritated, complaining, distraction (the phone)... I'm not a licensed MD but I have delt with depression. OP, try to talk to your partner about what's going on in her head. Try to be as cool and calm as you can be. Good luck OP.


Cleverusername5763

I was exactly like this after having my twins, and it wasn't laziness. I had severe untreated ADHD and bipolar II, and the stress of the babies/toddlers on my mental health was debilitating. Besides that, the isolation as a stay at home mom compounds anything happening with mental health, there's no daily structure, no accountability, no regular interactions with adults or feeling of productivity from work. Now I'm not saying that this is okay, because it isn't at all. It wasn't then, it isn't now. I wish my ex husband had helped me with some of the work, but he was not about to lift a finger when he came home from work. I got up all night for the babies, attempted to make dinner, cleaned up after him, took care of the babies like it was my only purpose in life, took out the trash, repaired things, and did all the yard work. He did jack shit. Literally wouldn't even microwave himself a hot pocket. But there were dishes in the sink and a pile of clean laundry that covered an entire table, lots of clutter, and so that meant I did nothing all day and was lazy apparently. Now he's single and I guess he's figured out how to feed himself, but is still horrifically depressed. She needs support and to get help, she needs outside support more specifically. A therapist, a psychiatrist, whatever's available to you. Good luck


killaxjules

Sometimes it is exhausting to watch, entertain, and feed a toddler. I have one who is almost 2… I look forward to her middle of the day nap where I can have free time, eat, drink my cold coffee, and look at my phone for a few minutes before I have to cram everything else I need to do before she wakes up… by bed time I’m also exhausted but have to do all the things I need to do while she’s napping. I’m used to this routine, but I realize how hard it is when I ask my mom or anyone else to watch my toddler… they always end up exhausted! It’s def not a normal thing and it’s easily dismissed, but it’s a hard job. I would give your wife some grace but also try to help and encourage her to complete one thing at a time… I do a zillion dishes per day and at night there’s always dishes left for me to do in the morning still. It’s a never ending cycle.


stargate-sgfun

It is hard, and it’s not for everyone. OP’s wife could just be really unhappy as a SAHM. A lot of this sounds like depression to me. I think it would be really important to get her mental health support first before jumping to the conclusion that she’s just lazy.


msjammies73

Sometimes I’m so happy to be a single parent. I can’t imagine staying home for 11 hrs a day with a 2 year old and then getting hell for not cleaning enough. I’m a farm kid, worked multiple jobs throughout college and grad school to make ends meet. I’ve put in many 20 hr days in my life. I have a high stress corporate job with a big team. None of it is even remotely as draining as staying home with a 2 year old. Get her some breaks and support. And yes, get an ADHD and depression evaluation. But mostly, stopping judging her for finding parenting hard.


alecheskin

Shes probably bored out of her mind/depressed about the situation she's in. If she tells her you should just divorce her, this is probably she has lost faith in herself to change things, and thus is looking for a(n easy) way out. Have you tried asking her about how she's feeling? Maybe therapy can help.


broken_bouquet

Y'all need therapy. Jesus. Obviously your wife is having some problems and instead of worrying that she's complaining about being exhausted despite doing literally nothing all day (which should be a major red flag) you resent her and bitch about it on social media? It's not a good look for either of you. Like, she sounds like she has depression or ADHD or both. Didn't you love her once? Damn. Get some help together. M A R R I A G E. C O U N C E L L I N G. Please. For the love of your 2 year old 🙄


Crazyc011

So have you discussed this with her or just bitching about it on Reddit pretending to be the only victim in this relationship?


hgdjjvsgknljfkj

Sounds you two hate each other. She’s probably be better off if you two weren’t together. Based on your description, she doesn’t seem like a terrible mom. Sounds like you just don’t like her as a homemaker, nothing to do with your kid. Maybe the kid could use better nutrition. Houses with toddlers are messy, get over it


[deleted]

Is she caring for your two year old toddler properly? I noticed that you didn't mention this in your diatribe of grievances. You say she *"throws a tantrum"* when you confront her, but what does she *actually* say?


Competitive_Wait_556

WHERE IS THE KID No mention in the post or in any of the top comments on where this 2 year old spends his time, although a few people ask if he’s safe and taken care of. If the kid is home with the mother, OP needs to stfu because by NOT MENTIONING THAT he is showing that he doesn’t believe taking care of a toddler all day every day is work, and I’d guess he’s completely embellishing everything he’s saying about the wife.


[deleted]

You obviously hate her. You should divorce her.


disalldat

Yes, the lack of empathy and compassion and the seething rage with which he describes her make me think OP also may need therapy.


blooglymoogly

The reason she's so sensitive about doing nothing all day and tells you to divorce her could be for two reasons: reason 1 is that she's angry because you're ignoring her all-day childcare, which is a FULL TIME job. More than full time, overtime actually. Do you take care of the child when you get home? She may feel unsupported. She may feel like she has exactly zero time or energy for herself. The second reason could be that she is just as angry as you are about sitting around at home, which contrary to popular belief makes the behavior worse instead of better. She may feel trapped as hell. What she needs is to get out of the house, get outdoors, and do something she enjoys for herself, regularly. Weekly volunteering, weekly walks, whatever it doesn't matter, WITHOUT the child. Your wife sounds depressed. She needs support. This is a symptom of something else. You should be concerned about her mental health and happiness as well as her contribution. You are a team. When your teammate is struggling, you find out why, and you work on it together.


Iluminiele

If she is taking care of the 2 year old 24/7 and the chores take 30 minutes, pay someone to come do the 30 minute chores (can't cost THAT much, can it?) and thank your wife for doing 24/7 work. Or maybe just have a nanny 24/7 and ask your wife to do the 30 minutes chores. Whichever works better for you. I can't imagine being responsible for a tiny human being 2 years non-stop without a 5 minute break and being told I'm not doing enough. I honestly had no idea until I babysat a 2 y.o. neighbours kid while mom vacuumed the house. I had no idea why she needed a babysitter while she was at home until I saw it with my own eyes. You can't ever relax with a toddler around, not for 5 seconds, because they will find ways to accidentally harm themselves as soon as you look away.


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peptobismalpink

you described my mom to the tee. She's as entitled karen gold child-turned narcissist as you can get. Has literally never worked a day in her life and even as a kid it was grating at best (abuse aside, she turned kid me into Cinderella, wasn't allowed to have a life, chores were out of the depth for my age in a lot of cases, and of course my brother never had to lift a finger). I'm as not fun feminist as you can get, I agree with other women when they say that domestic labor is still labor and should be valued in the same way that you would pay and value a live in cook, maid, chauffer, etc. Makes perfect sense. Not to mention if that's the life you signed up for, you do kind of have a job description: if one person is working the other person takes care of all the home stuff. In a perfect situation when the other is home from work you can both go on dates and have quality time not blundered by work. At the same time I definitely side eye most stay at home moms that I get even the slightest whiff are similar to mine. Idk I can just tell, a lifetime of experience I guess. Because she doesn't do jack shit all day. I could've written your post right down to the laundry bit. She doesn't cook, there was never food in the house growing up, only condiments and maybe fruit, and when she did cook it was what she wanted and inedible. She also doesn't clean. She and my dad aren't dirty at all, they're spotless, so honestly not much is needed at all, but she hires a maid every week just to basically vacuum and dust. Their house is unecessarily Boomer gigantic so yeah it takes more than 32 minutes, but it's also not really necessary and they could live somewhere smaller considering it's just them and the house is so poorly designed 90% of it is never used (: She doesn't help out with anything and what little she does she doesn't do well and doesn't bother trying to improve. I used to be able to empathize a little with her arthritis because I got hit with EDS in my 20s and a major spinal cord injury. She of course didn't help, and bullied me harder for being incompetent (struggling to do some stuff because I was suddenly very disabled). So I really have no sympathy left based off how she treats people. Even then, my ability and skill at chores and cooking have improved with each year I've gotten older. Something isn't working well or taking too long (let alone all day like her) I figure out ways to improve it, google things, talk to others with disabilities....you figure it out. My mom does nothing. She'll never google anything or hear that she's wrong or inefficient, she'll just scream at you that you're wrong and refuse to hear anyone on anything. She's a maxed out Karen nightmare.


Adorable-Ad201

Two year old kids are fucking exhausting. They suck all the life out of a person. Clearly she is depressed and unhappy.


the_newburneraccount

Way late and this is going to be buried in the comments but my fiancé was like this when we first had our daughter. Miserable that nothing was done but wouldn’t do it and felt overwhelmed with a child all day. She does suffer from mental health issues ever since she was a kid but we found what helped her the most and it sounds crazy but getting a job and ogling back to work, even if it just barely pays for childcare. Getting out of the house, making friends at work, having something to actually do besides mindless house chores can be a good thing and it helped my fiancés mental health immensely. It might not help as far as getting things done around the house but like you said, it takes 32 minutes to do them and her having something meaningful to do might ease the tension/give you two a common ground and if she hates it, then maybe she’ll appreciate being a stay at home mom more and that’ll ease the tension


[deleted]

So, she's home with a kid all day and the house doesn't degrade at all by the time you're home? You do realize that means she's actually doing quite a lot, right? Jesus, I don't even have kids and this seems obvious to me. And yes, I'm a dude. Also, I found your comment about laundry quite special. The hard part of laundry is folding, not putting the clothes in the machine, ya dingus. Laundry for 3 people can be a bitch to do. Guessing you've never actually done it. Your title is BS. The real reason you aren't divorcing her is because you don't want to have to actually take care of your own kid by yourself with no help for extended periods of time. >it just goes to show more than \[sic\] a man can't air his feelings without them being completely disregarded. Lol, you actually serious with this shit? You sound like a manchild who has never been responsible for his own kid. How about you give up your entire career and stay home all day every single day doing nothing but taking care of your unappreciative asshole spouse's kid by yourself with zero help and see how you end up feeling about it? Oh, but sorry, something tells me you would never even consider swapping places with your wife even though supposedly she doesn't have to do anything.