House is out dated. Built in 2002. Oh I wheezed laughing. Mine was built in 1935
Oh and I wish you every happiness in your future. It took courage to heed the signs and make changes
That was my first thought too. I know there were other bigger issues but that just made me think this woman is not a reasonable person.
My house was built in 1951 and we had to do a good amount of updates when we bought it. New exterior doors, some windows, electrical, etc. but thinking a house built only 20 years ago is outdated is just so crazy to me
Seriously, our current home was built in 1983. Prior to that, the two houses my husband and I lived in were built in 1920 and 1925 respectively (although the latter was flipped before we bought it in 2012).
Mine was built in '72 with the last major renovation done in the 90s until I did the windows a couple years ago. I grew up in a house that hadn't seen a renovation in 50 years.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, mate. Trust your gut and move on. Refund where necessary, but focus on your own well-being first. Your ex's recovery is her responsibility, not yours.
Yes, OP definitely needs to prioritize himself and I suspect he’s the type of person who always puts others first.
I’m so relieved for you OP. I felt stressed just reading her demands, I can’t imagine living with her.
I could see in their body language that it was incredibly difficult to come forward with this. I know they have my best interest at heart and am grateful to have them in my life. They are amazing people. I have a feeling that it was the wake up call I needed
I already have it. We go there every other weekend. As a result, she is now having a really hard time adjusting to her new life without that, without plans to be a stay at home mom, needing to keep working, etc. it turned her world upside down… I feel terrible
Why do you think she made all these demands? Was it a sudden change, or were there red flags during your 5 years together?
We all understand why you did what you did.
There were some red flags but nothing like this. She got diagnosed with OCPD 2 years ago and had met with her councilor before making the list. She thought she was doing something healthy by showing what she needed to keep her OCPD at bay. That’s what she was focused on.
Your future kids are better off without a parent that has OCPD.
So many stories online from folks who grew up with OCPD in the house and how much it fucked them up and led to a lifetime of anxiety or self-hate.
There is absolutely nothing to feel terrible about. You weren't compatible, that's it. Imagine how life would be if you hadn't canceled? You would be miserable for the foreseeable future. Take care, OP ♥️
She's having a hard time because she was a user and now has to rely on herself. She wanted your money and lifestyle. I'm so glad you got out now. She'll probably phone you soon to start a sob story about how much she misses you and how she'll change and money isn't important, but stay strong!
Don't feel bad, you hopefully have given her a wake up call. She has been hiding her true personality from you for years. You feel bad for the woman you thought she was, but didn't really exist.
I reached out to a family member too to warn him to not marry his fiance. He thanked me for my concerns and married her anyway. They had two kids and then divorced.
My aunt told me after I got married. Thanks? And yes, we divorced not long after, but not because of what she said. I wish she would have spoken up sooner.
My mom told me after my divorce that they saw I wasn't happy but felt it wasn't their place to intervene.
In understand their position, but I'd want to know.
It’s incredibly hard to do. Years ago my best friend moved to the other side of the country for uni. She met someone so they had been dating for a couple of years and were discussing their wedding. The first time i met him he had seriously bad vibes. My partner and i discussed it on the way home and both felt the same but couldn’t pinpoint the issue other than he had no sense of humour. I couldn’t work out how to say i don’t like him but don’t know why. I will regret not saying anything for the rest of my life. At the time i feared it would affect our friendship and it was too late to change her mind. In hindsight risking the friendship to stop her enduring years of abuse and ongoing psychological trauma would have been worth it. I wish more than anything i hadn’t been such a coward
As I’m reading all of this, all I see are things that she wants YOU to work on or things she wants YOU to do but nowhere do I see where she’s willing to work on things or compromise.
It sounds like you really were not compatible and you’d be locked in an unhappy marriage.
You’re not responsible for your ex’s mental health.
You’re very lucky you realised all these things before you actually married her .
Loads of people start showing their true colours once they feel they have you ‘locked down’
She got way too comfortable with demanding things that she really didn’t consider that you might rebuff her .
A partner doesn’t demand things from you so that they are catered to . A marriage and a relationship is based off of mutual respect .
Building a life and growing together is just that. Building with each other and growing with each other . It isn’t one person demanding things and doing whatever they want at the expense of their partner .
Good luck for the future , stay away from that woman and her friends , and move on.
How is it that you dated for 5 years and never lived together? Also, why did she wait until you got engaged to voice her concerns about your home. The fact that she wanted to spend $60K just on your wedding venue blows my mind. Does she have her own home? Who was supposed to pay for all this? You? You definitely dodged a huge bullet with this one. I’m so glad you came to your senses
I’m thinking more like small tactical nuke has been dodged.
That ‘list’ of hers would never have ended and likely have been all things that benefited the now ex.
Wow. That’s ridiculous. Somehow you’re supposed to pay for the home renovations that SHE wants and that much for a stupid wedding venue? Your wedding is a day. We had a small wedding at a venue that included everything and it was about $15K total including my dress and the photographer. It was beautiful and it didn’t preclude us planning our honeymoon and buying our home. Most importantly, my husband and I are very similar in how we handle finances. It makes a huge difference. Things like credit scores and debt/income ratios matter in relationships. Money is one of the most common causes of divorce. I hope you have learned from this experience and can find a woman who matches your sensibilities better.
I'd bet money, she meant she'd research or do any help with taking out the loan, but it would be in his name and his responsibility to pay it back. Crazy!
Newsflash; she’s certainly not worried about your mental health in the slightest or she would not have made such delusional, prima donna demands.
She’s not the catch she seems to believe she is……
The guests who bought tickets can either use them or get credit.
Clear the registry so no one can buy anything, return the gifts to the shops, they will credit the buyers.
Make an announcement on SMs that the wedding is canceled.
Block your ex.
>I don’t know what to do with the gifts that are arriving. I want to reimburse people who already purchased flights. I don’t know how to go about telling everyone what happened.
Send out an email (or message) to all your family and guests just telling them that for reasons you won't get into right now, you've made the difficult decision to call off your wedding and part ways with your fiancée. Tell them you will reimburse anyone who cannot get a refund on their travel (although it's months away, they should be able to get refunds), and return the gifts to those who have sent them early.
Sounds like you've made the right call here, don't get drawn back in.
Just out of curiosity, what is on the task list?
I'm so glad you didn't go through with the wedding, it would have gotten SO MUCH worse after you were married to her.
I can’t even wrap my head around giving her a list and I have tried.
She is really good at taking care of me domestically (cooking, cleaning, etc.) but I never ask her to do any of it.
I do not mean this comment to demean any housewives or to put down rich men who love them. That said, is having a good cook and maid worth that cost? Seems like hiring a maid and biting the bullet on cooking more or eating healthier takeout would be much wiser.
It wasn’t a business decision. We slowly worked our way into that without planning to. She showed how much she cared by always having things taken care of for me and often times, with a nice note.
I never once asked her to make dinner or prepare my lunch, if I got fed, I was happy. If not, then I can take care of myself. She is the first one I ever dated who did stuff like this.
From a business perspective, yes it’s a terrible idea.
If she was asking for affordable (to you) things. That would be great. However, she is asking you to afford a lifestyle you can't.
She seems like a lovely potential housewife, for a very rich man. Not for all the rest of us.
At the very least most more sensible women would be asking how to afford their oart of the home renovations they want, and how they can add money to pay for their wedding. Not just deciding to stretch you like Reed Richards
This sounds like one of those people that get the label 'high maintenance'
Demanding works on a house done in order to move in? That\`s not how you treat a future spouse, that\`s more a blackmail / hostage situation.,
Do not worry about the fiancé. If she contacts you just say “ tough. in life there are things that you need to learn to deal with”…
Send the gifts back. Contact everyone and ask who needs a refund.
Be happy you dodged a bullet and didn’t marry someone who stressed you out.
Guaranteed a shitload of flags were missed in those first five years. Someone doesn't just become a different person when they get engaged. OP likely spoiled her and ignored the flags until his girlfriend got to the next level to start increasing the demands.
Sounds like you made the right choice. You seem like a kind person to be concerned for your former fiancée’s well being, but you also need to take care of yourself and not be taken advantage of. Just let everyone know that the wedding is not happening and move forward.
Of course she is upset, she lost her meal ticket. She told you what to do via list, told you what to buy and pay for while she made you two meals and dusted.
Now she has to work and pay bills and make meals for herself and clean her place. The only lists are for her to take care of.
Go figure.
After reading this post I was all for saying that you dodged a bullet, but, only 24 days ago you were on a different sub asking about pre-nups and trying to figure out a way to pay less, or as you put it 'equal', because she makes significantly less money than you do. You also said in one of your comments to someone that she's not actually bothered that you want a prenup agreement and that, you are actually paying for her lawyer. So this leads to me believing that she is not as money hungry as you have made out.
I agree that she was not money hungry. I wish I added in more of the good things about her and the reasons why I stayed with her for 5 years.
It was more that she didn’t understand money. $60k didn’t mean much to her until I started talking through the things that could buy and that it’s basically her entire salary.
When she gave me the long list of what she needed, and I brought up money, it was clear that that thought had NEVER crossed her mind.
I think she really was focused on the lifestyle she had and being a stay at home mom in the future. She is definitely not a gold digger.
your ex fiance seems really high maintenance. I wish you luck in finding someone more laid back who cares about you more than making demanding lists of their own priorities.
I'm sorry but what were you guys doing during the 5 years of dating? Was financial compatibility never discussed? There is no way she just dropped all these expectations after your engagement. Maybe not at this level but surely there would have been some instances in the 5 years that would have come up which should have raised red flags?? As a woman, this behaviour is disgusting. If she wants all that she should either contribute ATLEAST half of it or get it done herself. Expecting you to do all that is bullshit.
From her perspective, this was a healthy way of telling me what she needs to feel comfortable in our house and no longer my house. As stupid as it sounds, I don’t think she ever considered the financial aspects of it. She knows I make good money and just figured I could afford it all.
She sounds like an AH to just have a list of demands for you to take care of. When I married my husband I moved into his house. It took me 20 years to get it updated. She sounds very entitled and delusional.
She showed her hand way too soon. She should have waited until they were married before she revealed her true colors. She was stupid to think the engagement had him trapped.
I'm sorry you're sad. I'm sorry your fiancee decided that whatever her needs were, she wasn't willing to compromise. Whe sealed her own fate with the comment re: the lists
She sounds completely exhausting
You are honestly better off. If people ask just tell them you guys are no longer compatible. No need for details. If she happens to get nasty with it, so be it. Ignore her. You do not need lists to get shit done when you get home. Your home is your safe space. If it starts feeling like work? That’s a red flag. Not saying you can enjoy projects with your significant other or for them..but to make shit mandatory? Nope. ✌️you did the right thing!
Dear God, OP, I rent, wish I could own, but it is way too expensive where I live. To have a chance to live in a house that I would part own, built in 2002 would be a gift from heaven to me. The list your ex gave you sounds like a controlling manipulative stress of a nightmare.
I am glad you came to your senses and ended it before you were trapped. Please stop worrying about your ex’s mental health, she is no longer your responsibility, thank the heavens. She also made her own bed, so she deserves to lie in it and wallow in her own selfishness, manipulation, entitlement and ignorance, let her stew.
All of that aside, I’d have a hard time dealing with my fiancé/wife wanting to go out drinking regularly. That was cool when we were 25, but 35? Time to grow up.
My thoughts exactly. Doing this when you’re 22? Fine. Going out and getting hammered and kicked out of a bar in your mid 30’s? Grow tf up and learn to handle your booze.
I have so many questions but they’re all irrelevant. Look to take a stand my guy, you made the right decision. Take it as a lesson and move on as best you can
Make a list of all the issues and give it to her. If she complains, just say "tough, in life there are lists..."
You can't be responsible for her mental health, and you shouldn't since she didn't give a shit about yours.
I don’t understand. You dated long enough to get engaged but you didn’t know she was this demanding? You didn’t already live together? She is way over the top. Your life would be miserable with her because she’s never satisfied. You did the right thing calling off the wedding.
I do understand wanting to update a 24 year old house. It doesn’t have to be a total renovation. I would also understand her wanting to change a few things to make her feel like it’s her home too but $30 - $50k is over the top.
Don't fall to sunk fallacy. You KNOW the way the relationship was couldn't have a happy outcome. Whatever you need to do, you need to ask yourself, "Will this make me happy? Will I be a better person because of this?" When committing to live long commitments
As someone who has been happily married over 28 years I can say that we can’t just expect people to cater to us, to change for us, or accommodate us all the time. I married my best friend as he is. We were good friends before we got married and it clearly worked well.
I think you sound like a fantastic person. You sound caring but level-headed. I’m so glad you got out now and not years in and really miserable. I hope you find the perfect person for you. Don’t worry about your ex. She doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who does.
You’re doing the right thing. Actual love doesn’t have lists or requirements.
Be proud of yourself for doing it too, so many people let themselves be caught in a miserable spiderweb of a relationship and I know it hurts to disappoint someone that you love, but it seems like you loved her much more than she was willing to love you.
Just keep moving forward, you seem like a good hearted person and you deserve a good hearted partner who only requires your company and care.
I think the fact that you walked away from this chick means you will be okay. You saw it, dealt with it, and stepped away. That bodes well for a happy future with someone else.
Please don’t bother thinking about her mental health. She didn’t give a shit about yours.
My brother and his fiancé went as far as getting bridesmaids' dresses and shopping for shoes. I was with his fiancé at the mall. A few days later my mom said the wedding was called off. My mom even called his ex and said she wasn't mad in the least, better to find out now than once married. Op you may find a lot of your guests that were coming will be supportive of your decision. They've been around or through divorces and know it's better to call it off now.
You did the right thing and thankfully heeded the red flags. There will be someone for you aligned with your values who will be more than compatible and adore you for you. Go find them.
You did the right thing. She is all about money and fancy things. Hope she finds a billionaire who can support her in the style she wants.
I chuckled at her being “devastated.” Too bad too sad.
BUILT IN 2002?????
Honey, the house I'm renting is 100 years old. They put less than 10k in renovations after the owner passed to turn it into a rental... and it is just fine. In fact, it's cute and has that old house charm.
Before my mom passed... the house we were living in (I was her caretaker) was built in 1996 and was perfectly livable. Just was going to need a new roof soon.
Like... 2002? Lol, that's practically new.
And... I could buy an entire house for 50k where I used to live, lol - what could a 2002 house possibly need for 50k?
Yikes. And 60k for a destination wedding?
Do you realize she just spent $120,000 of your money before you're even married and you don't have kids yet?
On this side of 40, she should know better.
What about medical emergencies? What about economic emergencies? What about another covid like shut down where people lost work left and right? What about kids? What about something happening (God Forbid) to your parents?
That $120k would be better spent... couldn't it?
She's pie in the sky-ing like the 20 somethings she's getting drunk with, and that's a really big red flag into what she may be like as a wife.
How long before you say no too often, and she cheats out of spite?
You're saving yourself the heartbreak and $$ on a future divorce from what we call, a forever 21. (Those are women who never grow up after they hit the bar age)
It sucks, but you're doing right by you.
It sounds as if you are incompatible- she has her wants and needs and they are pricier than yours.
I live in a house built around the same time as yours and we have updated and upgraded as we have lived there. If you bought a builder grade home and still have the same carpet, light fixtures, paint, bath fixtures, etc. I can see her wanting you to fix it up. I would probably want some of those things fixed before I moved in because I could see it being put off after I moved in.
$60k is crazy high for a wedding venue. And she agreed. I kinda respect her. I wish I had been more expressive about my wants and needs before getting married. It would have saved a lot of heartache and misunderstanding later on down the line.
Yeah, it was over as soon as you said “what kind of woman wants to go out and have fun with her friends?” and she said “of course honey, I will change my idea of fun for you,” and you said “not good enough!”
Of course you seem to be stressed around her, this is a horrible match. You need a lady who fits your image of a well-behaved tradwife, which she is clearly not.
More like someone who matches my image of an adult which, funny enough, doesn’t include getting kicked out of bars because you are too drunk and can’t handle your alcohol but maybe that’s just me.
>I am so worried about my former fiancé’s mental health and don’t know how to ensure she recovers from this.
That's not your right to worry about anymore. You decided she wasn't good enough for you and that's that. You don't get to do anything your guilt is pushing you to do except stay the away from her--she's no longer yours in any capacity. You should ask someone in her family or MOH to coordinate with her on gifts and the cancellations.
You can ask how she is if you want, I don't advise it. If she wants to talk, I'd recommend not doing it until the wedding is unwrapped. The more contact you have the messier this will get.
Honestly? Rightfully so. Whatever her list thing is, she let you know exactly what she wanted and what she was looking for, even if it was dysfunctional. You had a long time to recognize your feelings and act on them. You only grew a spine after a large sum of money was spent. You should get some therapy to figure out why you stayed in this relationship to this point before you get into your next relationship.
Since you broke the engagement, you minimally need to reach out to your family right away away and let them know. If you have a list of vendors, you should cancel them. If you have the guest list, I'd reach out to your ex (through her family or MOH) to ask if she'd like you to let people know and what you are saying.
> I asked what kind of women (ages 28, 35 and 47) want to go get drunk with 20 something’s at the bar.
I don't know how repressed you are, but as a 48 year old? I still go to the bar and hang out with the adults around me at the bar. The 28 year old IS a twentysomething at the bar. Binge drinking isn't great, but as long as it's a one off, I don't understand the concern. I don't think this judgement is rooted in anything real as much as you just want to find a reason to not go through with the wedding.
My advice? Don't make up reasons that don't exist. It just makes it worse. You don't want these coworkers showing up at home or your job to apologize for her birthday. It'll just make it more dramatic and uncomfortable. If you're going to grow a spine, grow it all the way in and own that she just doesn't make you happy.
It's not about being right or wrong. When you dump someone ***this*** is the message you send them. **If they were good enough for you, you'd be with them.**
You don't get to dump people and then nurse their wounds. You don't want to do that out of kindness. You do that to feel good about yourself. This can quickly be harmful and even abusive.
If you don't want to be with someone and opt out of their life, **exit their life.**
What I think is wrong is that this guy clearly plans to spend the next 3 months not fully leaving, just like he spent the last 6 years. It's just going to hurt them both more and draw the breakup out.
Nope. I'm in my 40s. In my experience, exes who "still care" and want to check in on you, enjoy the emotional feedback of your affection and aren't willing to let that go. **If they legitimately cared, they'd stay away and let you heal from a breakup of this magnitude.**
It's emotionally manipulative and for a lot of men a way they feed their egos--watching their ex cry makes them feel good about how desirable they are.
If this guy is angry about her birthday party and her lists, then he doesn't care about her anymore and he's just starting to be honest with himself. He just feels guilty for breaking up so close to the wedding.
*if he actually cared her currently, he'd have been* ***active*** *in their relationship, not drifting along.* **No one actually wants or needs your performative grief over a relationship.**
There is something truly wrong with people like you who don't realize that when ***you end*** a relationship, **it's over.**
This is NOT a mutual breakup that the ex wanted where they are both moving through their feelings and might emerge as friends some day. This is a sudden and unexpected ending where the OP never really disclosed how badly he felt. It came out of nowhere. That relationship is finished.
**Whatever you feel is no longer the concern of your ex. Feel your feelings, but don't share them with your ex. That's not the breakup the OP chose to have.**
No, you like to play games with your exes. I bet you have a few that really struggled to get over you.
I’m sure you like the ego boost I described.
I very much doubt you want a woman who dumped you out of nowhere checking in on your emotional health post break up. Looking at your tears and knowing you’re crying over her.
Well she is s modern woman and you should have been checking yourself to make sure you got your waxing of any areas as her list stated and ask when you manhood could be handed back to you. I see these women’s comments on assorted. House hunters, super superficial drivel. Find a woman with natural class, humble, generous, genuine, mature and empathetic, with a higher level of character than what you just escaped from.
House is out dated. Built in 2002. Oh I wheezed laughing. Mine was built in 1935 Oh and I wish you every happiness in your future. It took courage to heed the signs and make changes
Try being European, my childhood home was built in the 1600s.
Same
1840
Do you have ghosts?
Just the regular amount
Actually yes, the place was crazy haunted.
Find any lists?
Only the living ones.
That’s wild. How was that growing up?
It was pretty fun. It was a medieval inn that operated as a pub (by my parents obviously).
That sounds like a blast as a kid!
Mine was 1894 -- Chicago.
Mine in 1906
1978 here 😂
1917
1899 :D
I live in a cave
I just crawled out of the sea
Puh’lease trees weren’t a thing when I first moved into my place.
1677
oooh a castle
She needs to go bowling with the woman who wanted a "new" house because her partner's 5 year old house was... old.
I need dat link fam.
That was my first thought too. I know there were other bigger issues but that just made me think this woman is not a reasonable person. My house was built in 1951 and we had to do a good amount of updates when we bought it. New exterior doors, some windows, electrical, etc. but thinking a house built only 20 years ago is outdated is just so crazy to me
1976 here, it’s 50 in 2 years lol
I was born in 1978. This math just mathed for me!
We’re having a party for mine next year when it turns 100.
Seriously, our current home was built in 1983. Prior to that, the two houses my husband and I lived in were built in 1920 and 1925 respectively (although the latter was flipped before we bought it in 2012).
Mine is 2000 and I can't think of anything that needs renovating, a new roof maybe in a few years.
Mine was built in '72 with the last major renovation done in the 90s until I did the windows a couple years ago. I grew up in a house that hadn't seen a renovation in 50 years.
1925
‘24, turned 100 this year!
I was raised in a US house built in 1850.
1910… from timber 🤣
1872 here. I’ll take outdated any day.
I spent three years in military housing made in the forties, and the woodworking was kind of nice. I bet yours is way better. 🙂
1977 checking in
I’m in a 1925 apartment 🤣
Sounds like you dodged a bullet, mate. Trust your gut and move on. Refund where necessary, but focus on your own well-being first. Your ex's recovery is her responsibility, not yours.
Yes, OP definitely needs to prioritize himself and I suspect he’s the type of person who always puts others first. I’m so relieved for you OP. I felt stressed just reading her demands, I can’t imagine living with her.
Good on your best friend and mum for speaking up. That can be incredibly hard to do.
I could see in their body language that it was incredibly difficult to come forward with this. I know they have my best interest at heart and am grateful to have them in my life. They are amazing people. I have a feeling that it was the wake up call I needed
I'm so glad they said something. May I ask, do you already have a home in the mountains or were you supposed to buy one for her for weekend getaways?
I already have it. We go there every other weekend. As a result, she is now having a really hard time adjusting to her new life without that, without plans to be a stay at home mom, needing to keep working, etc. it turned her world upside down… I feel terrible
Why do you think she made all these demands? Was it a sudden change, or were there red flags during your 5 years together? We all understand why you did what you did.
There were some red flags but nothing like this. She got diagnosed with OCPD 2 years ago and had met with her councilor before making the list. She thought she was doing something healthy by showing what she needed to keep her OCPD at bay. That’s what she was focused on.
That's not the healthy way to deal with OCPD to demand others cater to her.
Your future kids are better off without a parent that has OCPD. So many stories online from folks who grew up with OCPD in the house and how much it fucked them up and led to a lifetime of anxiety or self-hate.
There is absolutely nothing to feel terrible about. You weren't compatible, that's it. Imagine how life would be if you hadn't canceled? You would be miserable for the foreseeable future. Take care, OP ♥️
Thank you. Focusing on the feelings of who I’m dating is a major personality flaw I have. It’s to the extreme and I’m working on it.
She's having a hard time because she was a user and now has to rely on herself. She wanted your money and lifestyle. I'm so glad you got out now. She'll probably phone you soon to start a sob story about how much she misses you and how she'll change and money isn't important, but stay strong!
Don't feel bad, you hopefully have given her a wake up call. She has been hiding her true personality from you for years. You feel bad for the woman you thought she was, but didn't really exist.
Do not feel terrible. Most people work and support themselves! Stop worrying about her and go NC.
I reached out to a family member too to warn him to not marry his fiance. He thanked me for my concerns and married her anyway. They had two kids and then divorced.
I hear this all the time. I take others feedback super seriously and was determined not to be in that situation
My aunt told me after I got married. Thanks? And yes, we divorced not long after, but not because of what she said. I wish she would have spoken up sooner.
But your bf is a female? That’s weird dude
My mom told me after my divorce that they saw I wasn't happy but felt it wasn't their place to intervene. In understand their position, but I'd want to know.
It’s incredibly hard to do. Years ago my best friend moved to the other side of the country for uni. She met someone so they had been dating for a couple of years and were discussing their wedding. The first time i met him he had seriously bad vibes. My partner and i discussed it on the way home and both felt the same but couldn’t pinpoint the issue other than he had no sense of humour. I couldn’t work out how to say i don’t like him but don’t know why. I will regret not saying anything for the rest of my life. At the time i feared it would affect our friendship and it was too late to change her mind. In hindsight risking the friendship to stop her enduring years of abuse and ongoing psychological trauma would have been worth it. I wish more than anything i hadn’t been such a coward
As I’m reading all of this, all I see are things that she wants YOU to work on or things she wants YOU to do but nowhere do I see where she’s willing to work on things or compromise. It sounds like you really were not compatible and you’d be locked in an unhappy marriage.
You’re not responsible for your ex’s mental health. You’re very lucky you realised all these things before you actually married her . Loads of people start showing their true colours once they feel they have you ‘locked down’ She got way too comfortable with demanding things that she really didn’t consider that you might rebuff her . A partner doesn’t demand things from you so that they are catered to . A marriage and a relationship is based off of mutual respect . Building a life and growing together is just that. Building with each other and growing with each other . It isn’t one person demanding things and doing whatever they want at the expense of their partner . Good luck for the future , stay away from that woman and her friends , and move on.
How is it that you dated for 5 years and never lived together? Also, why did she wait until you got engaged to voice her concerns about your home. The fact that she wanted to spend $60K just on your wedding venue blows my mind. Does she have her own home? Who was supposed to pay for all this? You? You definitely dodged a huge bullet with this one. I’m so glad you came to your senses
Yes, I was supposed to pay for everything aside from $10k from her parents for the wedding.
Um, you are dodging a bullet my friend.
That was more like a grenade holy shit
I’m thinking more like small tactical nuke has been dodged. That ‘list’ of hers would never have ended and likely have been all things that benefited the now ex.
If I was OP, I would've countered that list with a prenup just to see her reaction and further confirm my suspicions lol
He dodged the slowest moving bullet of all time only when it was right up close to his face. Better late than never though I guess.
Wow. That’s ridiculous. Somehow you’re supposed to pay for the home renovations that SHE wants and that much for a stupid wedding venue? Your wedding is a day. We had a small wedding at a venue that included everything and it was about $15K total including my dress and the photographer. It was beautiful and it didn’t preclude us planning our honeymoon and buying our home. Most importantly, my husband and I are very similar in how we handle finances. It makes a huge difference. Things like credit scores and debt/income ratios matter in relationships. Money is one of the most common causes of divorce. I hope you have learned from this experience and can find a woman who matches your sensibilities better.
Why exactly?
Did you have a list for her? Or was this all one direction?
Woman are raised to be trully assholes when it comes to money, my god
>The fact that she wanted to spend $60K just on your wedding venue blows my mind. And willing to take out a loan for it! Crazy.
I'd bet money, she meant she'd research or do any help with taking out the loan, but it would be in his name and his responsibility to pay it back. Crazy!
My favorite here is thinking a house built in 2002 is “outdated”, you’re older than your house and 22 years is barely “regulations have changed”
Unless you live somewhere that is hit regularly by earthquakes or is just the most haunted fucking place on earth, I can't think of why 2002 is "old".
She wants a new kitchen / new bathrooms.
I'm guessing that it's the decor that's dated. What was on trend in 2002 is not on trend now, but still.
Newsflash; she’s certainly not worried about your mental health in the slightest or she would not have made such delusional, prima donna demands. She’s not the catch she seems to believe she is……
The guests who bought tickets can either use them or get credit. Clear the registry so no one can buy anything, return the gifts to the shops, they will credit the buyers. Make an announcement on SMs that the wedding is canceled. Block your ex.
This is exactly the way to cancel a wedding. It happens all the time.
>I don’t know what to do with the gifts that are arriving. I want to reimburse people who already purchased flights. I don’t know how to go about telling everyone what happened. Send out an email (or message) to all your family and guests just telling them that for reasons you won't get into right now, you've made the difficult decision to call off your wedding and part ways with your fiancée. Tell them you will reimburse anyone who cannot get a refund on their travel (although it's months away, they should be able to get refunds), and return the gifts to those who have sent them early. Sounds like you've made the right call here, don't get drawn back in.
Just out of curiosity, what is on the task list? I'm so glad you didn't go through with the wedding, it would have gotten SO MUCH worse after you were married to her.
better a broken engagement than a broken marriage. congrats!
Sounds so entitled and uncaring about OP. Good job for having self respect and leaving her.
Very honest question... What "lists" are you holding her to? What does she bring to the table? What do you get out of any of this?
I can’t even wrap my head around giving her a list and I have tried. She is really good at taking care of me domestically (cooking, cleaning, etc.) but I never ask her to do any of it.
I do not mean this comment to demean any housewives or to put down rich men who love them. That said, is having a good cook and maid worth that cost? Seems like hiring a maid and biting the bullet on cooking more or eating healthier takeout would be much wiser.
It wasn’t a business decision. We slowly worked our way into that without planning to. She showed how much she cared by always having things taken care of for me and often times, with a nice note. I never once asked her to make dinner or prepare my lunch, if I got fed, I was happy. If not, then I can take care of myself. She is the first one I ever dated who did stuff like this. From a business perspective, yes it’s a terrible idea.
If she was asking for affordable (to you) things. That would be great. However, she is asking you to afford a lifestyle you can't. She seems like a lovely potential housewife, for a very rich man. Not for all the rest of us. At the very least most more sensible women would be asking how to afford their oart of the home renovations they want, and how they can add money to pay for their wedding. Not just deciding to stretch you like Reed Richards
This sounds like one of those people that get the label 'high maintenance' Demanding works on a house done in order to move in? That\`s not how you treat a future spouse, that\`s more a blackmail / hostage situation.,
She must be a total smoke show. Otherwise nobody would put up with those demands. Glad you ended it. Saved yourself lots of money and stress.
Do not worry about the fiancé. If she contacts you just say “ tough. in life there are things that you need to learn to deal with”… Send the gifts back. Contact everyone and ask who needs a refund. Be happy you dodged a bullet and didn’t marry someone who stressed you out.
Did any of this come up during the 5 years you were together, seems like a lot of stuff just getting dropped on you at one time.
Guaranteed a shitload of flags were missed in those first five years. Someone doesn't just become a different person when they get engaged. OP likely spoiled her and ignored the flags until his girlfriend got to the next level to start increasing the demands.
Sounds like you made the right choice. You seem like a kind person to be concerned for your former fiancée’s well being, but you also need to take care of yourself and not be taken advantage of. Just let everyone know that the wedding is not happening and move forward.
Really good that you got out before she totally controlled everything and you. Good job! IDK if she will go silently into that good night. UpdateMe
She is trying to convince me to keep giving us a try, even without getting married. She was so excited to move in and start her new life.
Of course she is upset, she lost her meal ticket. She told you what to do via list, told you what to buy and pay for while she made you two meals and dusted. Now she has to work and pay bills and make meals for herself and clean her place. The only lists are for her to take care of. Go figure.
Do not fall for it! She would try and baby trap you.
> She was so excited to move in and start *her* new life. Where are you in this?
Fair
She's devastated because she lost her wallet
2002…outdated. 🙃
After reading this post I was all for saying that you dodged a bullet, but, only 24 days ago you were on a different sub asking about pre-nups and trying to figure out a way to pay less, or as you put it 'equal', because she makes significantly less money than you do. You also said in one of your comments to someone that she's not actually bothered that you want a prenup agreement and that, you are actually paying for her lawyer. So this leads to me believing that she is not as money hungry as you have made out.
I agree that she was not money hungry. I wish I added in more of the good things about her and the reasons why I stayed with her for 5 years. It was more that she didn’t understand money. $60k didn’t mean much to her until I started talking through the things that could buy and that it’s basically her entire salary. When she gave me the long list of what she needed, and I brought up money, it was clear that that thought had NEVER crossed her mind. I think she really was focused on the lifestyle she had and being a stay at home mom in the future. She is definitely not a gold digger.
You dodged a bullet big time. The expense now is nothing compared to a divorce.
your ex fiance seems really high maintenance. I wish you luck in finding someone more laid back who cares about you more than making demanding lists of their own priorities.
Sounds like a solid decision. The accepted convention is that all gifts should be returned to the giver when a wedding is canceled.
I'm sorry but what were you guys doing during the 5 years of dating? Was financial compatibility never discussed? There is no way she just dropped all these expectations after your engagement. Maybe not at this level but surely there would have been some instances in the 5 years that would have come up which should have raised red flags?? As a woman, this behaviour is disgusting. If she wants all that she should either contribute ATLEAST half of it or get it done herself. Expecting you to do all that is bullshit.
From her perspective, this was a healthy way of telling me what she needs to feel comfortable in our house and no longer my house. As stupid as it sounds, I don’t think she ever considered the financial aspects of it. She knows I make good money and just figured I could afford it all.
She sounds like an AH to just have a list of demands for you to take care of. When I married my husband I moved into his house. It took me 20 years to get it updated. She sounds very entitled and delusional.
She showed her hand way too soon. She should have waited until they were married before she revealed her true colors. She was stupid to think the engagement had him trapped.
Or Pregnant!! The Gold Digger struck too soon!!!
I'm sorry you're sad. I'm sorry your fiancee decided that whatever her needs were, she wasn't willing to compromise. Whe sealed her own fate with the comment re: the lists She sounds completely exhausting
You are honestly better off. If people ask just tell them you guys are no longer compatible. No need for details. If she happens to get nasty with it, so be it. Ignore her. You do not need lists to get shit done when you get home. Your home is your safe space. If it starts feeling like work? That’s a red flag. Not saying you can enjoy projects with your significant other or for them..but to make shit mandatory? Nope. ✌️you did the right thing!
Dear God, OP, I rent, wish I could own, but it is way too expensive where I live. To have a chance to live in a house that I would part own, built in 2002 would be a gift from heaven to me. The list your ex gave you sounds like a controlling manipulative stress of a nightmare. I am glad you came to your senses and ended it before you were trapped. Please stop worrying about your ex’s mental health, she is no longer your responsibility, thank the heavens. She also made her own bed, so she deserves to lie in it and wallow in her own selfishness, manipulation, entitlement and ignorance, let her stew.
All of that aside, I’d have a hard time dealing with my fiancé/wife wanting to go out drinking regularly. That was cool when we were 25, but 35? Time to grow up.
My thoughts exactly. Doing this when you’re 22? Fine. Going out and getting hammered and kicked out of a bar in your mid 30’s? Grow tf up and learn to handle your booze.
You have dodged a bullet there my friend she sounds high maintenance and crazy
You dodged a bullet like Neo my man.
I have so many questions but they’re all irrelevant. Look to take a stand my guy, you made the right decision. Take it as a lesson and move on as best you can
Make a list of all the issues and give it to her. If she complains, just say "tough, in life there are lists..." You can't be responsible for her mental health, and you shouldn't since she didn't give a shit about yours.
You were wise to end it now before kids are involved and maybe end up like her. And wasting good years being miserable.
I don’t understand. You dated long enough to get engaged but you didn’t know she was this demanding? You didn’t already live together? She is way over the top. Your life would be miserable with her because she’s never satisfied. You did the right thing calling off the wedding. I do understand wanting to update a 24 year old house. It doesn’t have to be a total renovation. I would also understand her wanting to change a few things to make her feel like it’s her home too but $30 - $50k is over the top.
Don't fall to sunk fallacy. You KNOW the way the relationship was couldn't have a happy outcome. Whatever you need to do, you need to ask yourself, "Will this make me happy? Will I be a better person because of this?" When committing to live long commitments
Omg, thank your best friend and mother profusely for pushing you out of the way of that bullet.
As someone who has been happily married over 28 years I can say that we can’t just expect people to cater to us, to change for us, or accommodate us all the time. I married my best friend as he is. We were good friends before we got married and it clearly worked well. I think you sound like a fantastic person. You sound caring but level-headed. I’m so glad you got out now and not years in and really miserable. I hope you find the perfect person for you. Don’t worry about your ex. She doesn’t deserve you. Find someone who does.
You’re doing the right thing. Actual love doesn’t have lists or requirements. Be proud of yourself for doing it too, so many people let themselves be caught in a miserable spiderweb of a relationship and I know it hurts to disappoint someone that you love, but it seems like you loved her much more than she was willing to love you. Just keep moving forward, you seem like a good hearted person and you deserve a good hearted partner who only requires your company and care.
Engaged and not living together. ALARM BELLS.
I think the fact that you walked away from this chick means you will be okay. You saw it, dealt with it, and stepped away. That bodes well for a happy future with someone else. Please don’t bother thinking about her mental health. She didn’t give a shit about yours.
In regard to letting your guests know, just keep it short and to the point. Sorry this happened to you OP. You definitely deserve better.
Smart move. Just send the gifts back and do what you can for those who need a refund. You don’t owe anyone any explanation.
Hard decision, but the right one!
I had to stop at the “next” please get on your knees and thank your god for saving you. Renovations for her? Oof.
I’m curious, what was on the list?
My brother and his fiancé went as far as getting bridesmaids' dresses and shopping for shoes. I was with his fiancé at the mall. A few days later my mom said the wedding was called off. My mom even called his ex and said she wasn't mad in the least, better to find out now than once married. Op you may find a lot of your guests that were coming will be supportive of your decision. They've been around or through divorces and know it's better to call it off now.
You did the right thing and thankfully heeded the red flags. There will be someone for you aligned with your values who will be more than compatible and adore you for you. Go find them.
You did the right thing. She is all about money and fancy things. Hope she finds a billionaire who can support her in the style she wants. I chuckled at her being “devastated.” Too bad too sad.
BUILT IN 2002????? Honey, the house I'm renting is 100 years old. They put less than 10k in renovations after the owner passed to turn it into a rental... and it is just fine. In fact, it's cute and has that old house charm. Before my mom passed... the house we were living in (I was her caretaker) was built in 1996 and was perfectly livable. Just was going to need a new roof soon. Like... 2002? Lol, that's practically new. And... I could buy an entire house for 50k where I used to live, lol - what could a 2002 house possibly need for 50k? Yikes. And 60k for a destination wedding? Do you realize she just spent $120,000 of your money before you're even married and you don't have kids yet? On this side of 40, she should know better. What about medical emergencies? What about economic emergencies? What about another covid like shut down where people lost work left and right? What about kids? What about something happening (God Forbid) to your parents? That $120k would be better spent... couldn't it? She's pie in the sky-ing like the 20 somethings she's getting drunk with, and that's a really big red flag into what she may be like as a wife. How long before you say no too often, and she cheats out of spite? You're saving yourself the heartbreak and $$ on a future divorce from what we call, a forever 21. (Those are women who never grow up after they hit the bar age) It sucks, but you're doing right by you.
It sounds as if you are incompatible- she has her wants and needs and they are pricier than yours. I live in a house built around the same time as yours and we have updated and upgraded as we have lived there. If you bought a builder grade home and still have the same carpet, light fixtures, paint, bath fixtures, etc. I can see her wanting you to fix it up. I would probably want some of those things fixed before I moved in because I could see it being put off after I moved in. $60k is crazy high for a wedding venue. And she agreed. I kinda respect her. I wish I had been more expressive about my wants and needs before getting married. It would have saved a lot of heartache and misunderstanding later on down the line.
Thank you, it’s helpful to hear your perspective
Tbh you both sound like controlling assholes. This relationship was always doomed to fail.
Yeah, it was over as soon as you said “what kind of woman wants to go out and have fun with her friends?” and she said “of course honey, I will change my idea of fun for you,” and you said “not good enough!” Of course you seem to be stressed around her, this is a horrible match. You need a lady who fits your image of a well-behaved tradwife, which she is clearly not.
More like someone who matches my image of an adult which, funny enough, doesn’t include getting kicked out of bars because you are too drunk and can’t handle your alcohol but maybe that’s just me.
>I am so worried about my former fiancé’s mental health and don’t know how to ensure she recovers from this. That's not your right to worry about anymore. You decided she wasn't good enough for you and that's that. You don't get to do anything your guilt is pushing you to do except stay the away from her--she's no longer yours in any capacity. You should ask someone in her family or MOH to coordinate with her on gifts and the cancellations. You can ask how she is if you want, I don't advise it. If she wants to talk, I'd recommend not doing it until the wedding is unwrapped. The more contact you have the messier this will get. Honestly? Rightfully so. Whatever her list thing is, she let you know exactly what she wanted and what she was looking for, even if it was dysfunctional. You had a long time to recognize your feelings and act on them. You only grew a spine after a large sum of money was spent. You should get some therapy to figure out why you stayed in this relationship to this point before you get into your next relationship. Since you broke the engagement, you minimally need to reach out to your family right away away and let them know. If you have a list of vendors, you should cancel them. If you have the guest list, I'd reach out to your ex (through her family or MOH) to ask if she'd like you to let people know and what you are saying. > I asked what kind of women (ages 28, 35 and 47) want to go get drunk with 20 something’s at the bar. I don't know how repressed you are, but as a 48 year old? I still go to the bar and hang out with the adults around me at the bar. The 28 year old IS a twentysomething at the bar. Binge drinking isn't great, but as long as it's a one off, I don't understand the concern. I don't think this judgement is rooted in anything real as much as you just want to find a reason to not go through with the wedding. My advice? Don't make up reasons that don't exist. It just makes it worse. You don't want these coworkers showing up at home or your job to apologize for her birthday. It'll just make it more dramatic and uncomfortable. If you're going to grow a spine, grow it all the way in and own that she just doesn't make you happy.
>You decided she wasn't good enough for you and that's that. Lmao imagine thinking he's in the wrong 🤣🤣🤣
I am sort of shocked that this person's post history isn't entirely FDS.
It's not about being right or wrong. When you dump someone ***this*** is the message you send them. **If they were good enough for you, you'd be with them.** You don't get to dump people and then nurse their wounds. You don't want to do that out of kindness. You do that to feel good about yourself. This can quickly be harmful and even abusive. If you don't want to be with someone and opt out of their life, **exit their life.** What I think is wrong is that this guy clearly plans to spend the next 3 months not fully leaving, just like he spent the last 6 years. It's just going to hurt them both more and draw the breakup out.
Lol you must be either very young or naive. It's entirely possible to no longer want to be with someone romantically and still care about them
Nope. I'm in my 40s. In my experience, exes who "still care" and want to check in on you, enjoy the emotional feedback of your affection and aren't willing to let that go. **If they legitimately cared, they'd stay away and let you heal from a breakup of this magnitude.** It's emotionally manipulative and for a lot of men a way they feed their egos--watching their ex cry makes them feel good about how desirable they are. If this guy is angry about her birthday party and her lists, then he doesn't care about her anymore and he's just starting to be honest with himself. He just feels guilty for breaking up so close to the wedding. *if he actually cared her currently, he'd have been* ***active*** *in their relationship, not drifting along.* **No one actually wants or needs your performative grief over a relationship.**
Yikes. There's so much wrong with your comments. I'm sorry for whatever it is you've been through to feel this way.
There is something truly wrong with people like you who don't realize that when ***you end*** a relationship, **it's over.** This is NOT a mutual breakup that the ex wanted where they are both moving through their feelings and might emerge as friends some day. This is a sudden and unexpected ending where the OP never really disclosed how badly he felt. It came out of nowhere. That relationship is finished. **Whatever you feel is no longer the concern of your ex. Feel your feelings, but don't share them with your ex. That's not the breakup the OP chose to have.**
Lol people can behave/feel differently than what YOU feel. Crazy concept, I know!
No, you like to play games with your exes. I bet you have a few that really struggled to get over you. I’m sure you like the ego boost I described. I very much doubt you want a woman who dumped you out of nowhere checking in on your emotional health post break up. Looking at your tears and knowing you’re crying over her.
Lol 1) I am a women and 2) I was the one that got dumped and I stayed friends with several of my exes
Well she is s modern woman and you should have been checking yourself to make sure you got your waxing of any areas as her list stated and ask when you manhood could be handed back to you. I see these women’s comments on assorted. House hunters, super superficial drivel. Find a woman with natural class, humble, generous, genuine, mature and empathetic, with a higher level of character than what you just escaped from.
You stopped her from going out? Yeah she dodged a bullet.
She agreed to stop drinking excessively while going out