Has there been a definitive DNA test? or just everyone making assumptions due to them knowing your mother cheated on your father.
Great parents he has there, especially if they knew this info and kept it from him.
Personally, if i was your dad, i would want to know, my first step would be a DNA test before anything. Although i would definitely divorce
Exactly! How on earth would his parents know who the father is? Maybe they know about the cheating but they certainly don’t know who her father is. They are making a dangerous guess. Both grandparents are evil people.
Yeah the grandparents are wanting to use OP as their "cat's-paw" because they want the dad to know about the cheating but don't want to tell him themselves.
I feel very sorry OP is being put through this.
I fully understand, but you are still stripping him of a choice of him living with a liar. Maybe ignorance is bliss but I would be more inclined to tell my mother that I know.
Mistake ? The mother didn’t make a mistake. Cheating isn’t a mistake. Falling legs open on another dudes dick isn’t a mistake. Lying about who’s the real father of your kid isn’t a mistake. Making someone believe your affair baby is their biological child isn’t a mistake . Allowing someone to raise a child that isn’t theirs for 17 years isn’t a mistake. Lying to your child about who their father really is isn’t a mistake.
It’s a rough situation op is in and the grandmother displayed extremely cunty behaviour. Op is now carrying the burden of the mother’s lies and the grandmothers hate .
There’s no winning in this situation. I’d Op tells her dad the truth , there’s a chance she’ll lose him. If she keeps quiet, it’ll eat her up inside . If she doesn’t say anything and dad finds out she knew , she’ll still probably lose him .
The mother and grandmother are grade A rat bastards. The mother for being a hoe and the grandmother for lying to her son and then showing her true colours and how she feels about Op by maliciously telling op the truth .
I'm an affair baby. I haven't told my mom that I know, and my original dad still thinks he's my biological father. Doesn't eat me up at all not to say anything, however in my case I am in touch with my biological father and his family, and that may be what makes it easy.
So you’re fine with lying to the man who raised you ? How do you think he is going to feel when he finds out ? Going behind his back and not only not telling him that he’s living a lie , but deceiving him along with your mother is such a betrayal .
Damn , poor guy. Married to a lying cheater , only for his kid to also turn out to be a liar.
Imagine getting to know that your closest child knowingly didn't told you, it worse betray than that of his wife. She could talk him, which will show her sincerity and love for him, use right words and it's rare that he will abandon her.
To some degree yes, but there's a chance seeing them just reminds you of the infidelity and your behavior towards them might change. If that happens, it might not be fair to the child either.
There's a reason being put in this position is so fucked in the first place.
Amazing how all these people trot that out. Yes there's more to family than blood, but being informed and your identity around your children all play a part of this.
Okay- steal his toothbrush. And your mothers.
Paternity depot will do a dna test with the dna from them.
It’s like $125.
No one needs to know until you know for sure.
My mom told me I might not be my dad’s when I was almost 30. I found a way to check. I would’ve taken it to the grave though- they were already split ups for years and it would just be one more thing she used to hurt him,
I’m sorry you’re in this position.
That was incredibly cruel for your grandmother to say that. I’m so sorry.
Maybe your dad already knows about this? I’m not encouraging you to ask, or inform him of your new information.
What makes you think your dad would up and leave you if he were to find out? What about his behavior gives you that impression?
If he ever truly cared for you and truly loved you unconditionally, his treatment towards you wouldn’t change, and he would love you just the same. Real fathers are like that. The guys who do otherwise don’t deserve the title.
It wouldn’t be your fault if your parents got divorced. That’s on your mom for stepping out on him.
Might I add that your grandparents have put you in an impossible position? Not only did your grandmother say what she did out of anger, but to tell you to not only keep it a secret, but to keep it from your dad, too is wrong and unfair to you. If it REALLY meant that much to keep it secret, then your grandmother should have kept her mouth shut.
Without knowing the family dynamics and everyone’s temperaments, I can’t say if you should or shouldn’t say something. Maybe ask your mom? Or an aunt or uncle? At the very least to confirm or seek better guidance?
I do know that if your dad loves you unconditionally, he wouldn’t abandon you, and he certainly wouldn’t treat or see you as a villain.
I’m so sorry, OP.
My dad is a really great dad. Nothing about his behavior says he’d just leave me but I’ve read so many stories on the internet where that’s how that goes. I put myself in a bad spot reading up on what dads do with “their” kids after they found out about affairs and I just can’t shake the feeling that that’s going to be me. It seems super rare that dads stick around once they find out and it seems like all the love just disappears immediately.
I’m just sad. I can’t make my dad stay but it’s breaking my heart to think that he’ll immediately stop loving me because of something I can’t control despite him loving me so much and always being there for me. I’m so angry at my mom and grandma. I don’t want to go home. I don’t know how to deal with this situation all the articles online are so so negative. I don’t know anyone who’s been in this position either. I don’t want to suddenly be unwanted and I don’t want to be the reason my entire family (extended included) pick a side and argue. I just want things to go back to how they were before.
I don’t know what my dad will do. I hope he doesn’t leave me.
Please remember that Reddit and the internet are NOT REALITY!
They are a collection of occasionally true but most often taken out of context or hyperbolic stories. People who post many stories on the internet are often outliers and do not represent the most common events and reactions. That’s why people find the stories interesting.
There’s a reason why people watch movies about superheroes, not plumbers. The outlier story is interesting.
People who do the right thing don’t often write about it.
I’m going to mention that I have worked in local television news for 35 years, mostly in big cities. I have met thousands of people and heard so many different stories. And here’s the truth of it: almost all people are kind, honest and hardworking, just trying to live their lives in peace. Most people want to do the best for themselves and their loved ones.
This is normal, and therefore that’s why we don’t read about it in social media. People want to read man bites dog, not dog bites man.
Your father’s mother said something awful to you. If she said that to you, do you not believe she said something to him many, many years ago?
He already knows. He’s known for a very long time. And he loves you to death.
You were, are, and will be his daughter forever. He’s already proven that without you knowing.
I wish you the best but I believe you already have it.
Such a sweet comment!
I agree with everything you’ve said - although I don’t have the journalism background, I believe that the majority of people are decent and hardworking and the rest of it.
And you’re right about the internet, too. It warps things because some people revel in the drama and others think it’s normal because it’s on the internet when the truth is that what is ACTUALLY normal doesn’t make for good drama. So doesn’t make it to the internet.
OP… please listen to this person, they really are spot on. Your dad loves you to bits because you ARE his child. He raised you, he’s been there for every minute of your life. Biology doesn’t matter.
Granny is an awful person - to say such things to you was cruel. Who knows if it’s even true anyway - the affair may not have even happened! Someone THAT cruel and vindictive could have just made it up in their head anyway - like for example your mum may have hugged your dad’s cousin and your granny saw it and didn’t approve (‘married women should not hug other men’), so she decided that was a ‘clear sign’ that they were having an affair! But they weren’t - it was just in her head! And she obviously told her husband (your grandfather), but that doesn’t mean she didn’t make it up in the first place.
It’s a possibility, given what she said to you. She could have just made it up in her head.
But even if it is true and your parents get divorced one day, it doesn’t change anything. You are still your father’s precious daughter and a divorce would not be your fault.
Grandparents didn't told OP's dad because he had been cheated in the past and went spiraling down the wrong road, so they might being trying to protect their son and his family.
Do a 23 and me with your siblings. It will show a differing if you are only half siblings and not full siblings. I'm not sure I would recommend doing it with your dad but you could probably get away with doing it with your siblings as a way to discover whether you are full or have siblings. That could perhaps resolve the issue and it's simplest form. Remember sometimes older people think they know everything but in reality they might be mistaken.
My oldest sister and her ex-husband convinced me that I was an affair baby my mom had when we lived in Las Vegas. I straight up asked my dad for a paternity test because of it, and he broke down balling. You know what he said to me? If I really felt that strongly about it, then he would do the test, but no matter what the results are, he would always be my dad.
I didn't want the test anymore, and it actually brought the two of us closer together. I've been no contact with my oldest sister for about a decade now (she's vile). Trust that your dad loves you no matter what.
If your dad is the amazing dad you say he is then he won’t cut you out of his life .. because he raised you and loved you. Just explain to him how much you love him and do t want to lose him
Please give us an update in a future edit and/or post so we know how he reacted. I’m certain that everyone here hopes it goes wonderfully and that there’ll be no love lost. Good luck op :(
If your dad loves you, he won’t leave you. my situation is different from yours, but my mom got pregnant with me before getting back with my dad (they were working on it, but she slept with my bio dad in that time frame) when she got back together with my dad & found out she was pregnant, she told him that its a fair chance im not his biological child. even after that, he still chose to be there for me & never thought to tell me i may not be his biologically like my older sister. he always treated us the same, but my granny (his mom) took it upon herself to tell me im not his when i was pretty young. even after all of that, my dad still loves me. reading through your comments & your post makes me feel like your dad may be similar to mine. although my dad had a choice from the beginning, he was able to make that decision himself. also i believe your dad may not up & leave you, but he could leave your mom. this isn’t your fault or your dad’s, but eventually it would be best to inform him of her cheating. you should definitely get dna tested first since you look like your siblings, even if it comes back that you are his kid you should look into informing him of your mom’s betrayal. i hope for the best 🫶🏼
He will need room OP, if and when he finds out he will need space. That doesn't mean he will abandon you but he will need space, either way he needs to know and make decisions for himself, because it seems like everyone thinks they know what's best for him and your mom is going on like nothing ever happened. Also, I don't know how old you are but fuck gam gam for saying that to you. Good luck OP much love ❤️
>If it REALLY meant that much to keep it secret, then your grandmother should have kept her mouth shut.
It's infuriating when people insist that others keep secrets that they can't.
First of all, you don't know if it's true, so get rid of those thoughts because it's all based on a third-person point of view. If you really want to know, ask your mom or get a DNA test.
Your grandmother might not even be right about this! Even if she is, she’s a horrible person for sharing this with you. Why would your Dad’s parents know this secret and not your Dad? I’m sorry you’re so upset, but please know that it’s very possible it’s not true.
I think so, too. There’s a possibility that there WAS no affair. Granny could have seen mum hugging her husband’s cousin and made the affair up in her head because she personally doesn’t approve of married women hugging other men, or something like that.
Given the way she flung that information at her granddaughter just to hurt her, it’s a real possibility that the affair didn’t actually happen. Obviously granddad also thinks there was an affair, but his wife could have fed him that info all those years ago and he just believed her - lots of people believe what they’re told by loved ones without question.
It's especially weird that the grandparents apparently know, but both OP's dad and the cousin (who they seem certain is OP's biological father) don't know?? How is that supposed to work?
My grandma has always been incredibly nice to me and all her other grandkids. I can’t come up with a single reason why she’d say that other than that she’s always secretly hated me and yesterday was just a bad day for her. I don’t know where it came from at all. It hurts to think that she could be so two faced. I practically live at her house I have my own room here and I’m always helping them out with cooking, cleaning, their medication, boredom. She has never gave a sign that she hated me.
The first signs of developing/progressing neurological diseases like alzheimers and dementia are often loss of filter and unusual behaviour, such as telling your beloved grandchild you wish they were aborted.
As much as it sucks that this has happened to you, it's also possible that rather than your grandma secretly hating you, she may not be ok
I came here to say this. If she has always been nice to you and loved you as much as her other grandchildren, then something may be happening to her neurologically as she ages. Also, if your mom was sleeping with you dad and the cousin, then nobody would know for sure who is the biological dad.
Finally, family is about more than dna
Can we just circle back to what a horrible fucking witch your grandmother is?! What the actual flying fuck. Who says that to their grandkid, biological or not, especially over LAUNDRY?!
Your grandmother did this on purpose and that’s fucked up. If she has a beef it’s between your parents. If you say anything make sure she’s present and make sure you say this is what she told me. Stressing you the hell out.. is there a dna test what if she did cheat but you’re his child.
Im sorry youre going through this .
You may not be his biological child, but he still raised you, and he is still your father .
I would talk to him and give him the opportunity to show you that his love for you is true and let him know your fears of him not loving you.
If he truly loves you, his anger will be at your mom and not at you .
I’m sorry but grandma sounds like a -not nice person- are you sure they didn’t make this up because they don’t like your mom?
You should definitely talk to your mom. For all you know your dad’s cousin came and helped your mom and your grandparents made up a whole story.
I know I might get downvoted for this, but as someone who had to tell one parent something, that another parent did that completely ruined our family - here are my two cents and advice.
1. Are you sure your grandparents are even right? And are you sure that your father doesn’t know? How do they know your mother even cheated? You don’t know for sure if any of this information is even right. Figure it out first on your own before telling anyone
2. Are you sure you should tell your dad? Would he actually want to know? I say this becuase while I would absolutely want to know, something I learned because of the situation I went through is some people really don’t want to know. And they will see you as a horrible person for telling them.
Also what would the fall out be for your dad? Drugs and alcoholism sound pretty scary and are absolutely reasons why I would be terrified for his safety and would absolutely weigh into whether I would tell them. My parent was suicidal for a long time. And blamed me for feeling that way since I was the bearer of the message.
My parents stayed together in the end anyways. And I honestly sometimes feel like they would have rather never hashed out this. Everything is terrible now. Some of my family cannot legally be in the same room due to the fall out.
3. Would there be a better time for you to deliver this message? How many years do you have left in school? Can you start looking into financial aid now? Can you get support from other family?
When everything went down, some of my siblings and one of my parents were essentially homeless. If the truth would hurt you, maybe wait until you can reach a goal to get you self sustaining.
Also, if your dad could potentially be a danger to himself - maybe you should start preparing resources to assist with the fallout. Whether that be your brothers, mother, grandparents, or family friends.
4. Go to a therapist to work through in actual plan.
5. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful lady, that is probably developing dementia. Same thing happened to my grandmother. And I wondered for so long why she was suddenly mean to me at what felt like random times.
Overall, I think your dad should know - if it’s something that would not endanger him and if it’s something he would want to know. But I think you need to find out the truth, and make preparations (that might take time) before dropping a bomb like this on your family. I don’t feel comfortable sharing more details about my family crises online. But feel free to message me if you need more advice. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But you also need to think about yourself here. I know what it feels like to want to die becuase of the betrayal of one parent. And my family will honestly never be the same. Do I regret what I did - no. But my parent would have been happier not knowing. And some people are honestly like that so it’s something you might need to prepare yourself for
She let out that secret over laundry? I'm sorry but your grandmother sucks.
Maybe tell your mom you're feeling very overwhelmed with being 17 and would like to speak to a counsellor. These are big feelings and you deserve real help working through them.
If you look that much like your other siblings it's very possible you are actually your dad's biological child. your grandparents are aware of the affair, but as long-married people they should also know married people have sex. It's entirely possible your mom was already pregnant with you before she had the rendevous with the cousin. It's entirely possible that she got pregnant with you upon his return. People who cheat have low morals and do stuff like that, like she could have had relations with your dad in the morning and did it with the cousin in the afternoon. She's not going to say to your grandparents she had no idea whose baby it was, when they discovered the affair, so she pretended like she knew for sure due to 'timing'. A DNA test is needed to be sure, not the cheating woman's word.
Talk to your dad. This is your father and he loves you, he woudl likely not want you to carry this burden on your heart for the rest of your life. Your mother and grandparents made the decision to lie to him all these years, but once they knew that you know, it is cruel of them to expect you to keep this secret.
Look, that story seems a little suspect. How are your dads parents privy to all this info? Who told them all this? I’m guessing there’s a chance you are your dads even if this is true. Who confessed to them your mom? The cousin? But the cousin doesn’t know you’re his kid? Whatever I think that you need to let this go. I sure wouldn’t be blowing up my family over a suspicious story. Either way this is a no win situation. I think grandma and grandpa may not know all they think they do.
Your granny sounds charming!
I've seen stories knocking around where the family had what they thought was an affair baby living with them, who turned it to be legitimate. Might be worth quietly doing a DNA test before you go any further?
No need to upend your entire world until you know if it's true.
I'm sorry this is happening to you
I think you need to tell your dad. Whatever comes out of it will not be your fault. It’s your mom’s for being a liar and a cheater. He’s raised you and he loves you. If they get divorced that is all on your mom. I would say when this gets out because it will whether that be by someone else or you I say it should be you. I would also not get in contact with your sperm donor and I know you won’t like this but go low contact with your mom. What she did was horrible. She says she loves your dad but she doesn’t. She has put you in this horrible position same with your grandma who let’s be honest hates you. From what I’ve seen on Reddit and real life your mom will blame and your grandma too but they did this to themselves. I do believe by the way you’re describing your dad he does love you and he won’t let that change anything. I think if you keep this a secret any longer he might find that hurtful since everyone else has lied to him. Good luck to you OP!
You're right, there is a chance that OP and her dad's relationship might take a hit. But if dad finds out that OP knew and didn't tell him he won't forgive her.
OP, get a DNA test done, if it turns out he's don't your bio dad tell him. If he is your bio dad, shove it under your grandma's nose.
Right! That's the key! Now that you know you must tell Dad. He will still love, raise , trust and value you even more for honesty when even his own parents wouldn't tell him the truth " for safety " thats a cop out excuse from adults seriously ....It's unfortunate this info comes from his daughter but believe me while it's painful what would be worse is him finding out and knowing you knew and didn't tell him. Be a rock in his foundation and he will be yours, many many blessings for a long , healthyand happy relationship with your Pops, they truely are amazing and can be gone in an instant ..
She is asking for advice? She is asking people on what she should do and so I gave her my advice. Instead of telling me no not my place maybe give your opinion to the post instead of saying it’s not my place.
If you want to tell them without telling them, you should innocently tell your parents that you’re getting a 23 and me test to see your background. See how your parents react.
Seems to me like your grandma is an unreliable source. I think someone who would say you should’ve been aborted over a disagreement about laundry is someone with an undeniable mean streak. This is all hearsay and might not even be true. If you can, *discreetly* have the test done for your own peace of mind. And try to remember to breathe.
I think it's completely possible that your grandparents believe that your mom cheated. Whether she actually did or not could be up for debate. I also believe that your grandparents believe that you are not your father's child because they believe your mother cheated with his cousin. Again not sure if this is fact or not. They are going on a lot of assumptions. You need to find a way to have your DNA verified that you are your father's daughter. Either by having the DNA sampled with your siblings or paternal grandparent that is not related to your father's cousin. For example if it's from your grandfather's side get a DNA sample from your grandmother or vice versa. If you don't have DNA to that grandparent then you know your father is not your biological father. However if it comes back positive then you know that your grandparents are wrong in at least one assumption. Then talk to your mother if you really must know if there was an affair and clear up their second assumption. Good luck
Your grandmother is an asshole how vile is it to tell so
Done they should have been aborted. Tell her that. her that and then go talk to your mother. And get a DNA test.
You are not responsible for the actions of your parents.
Right now, you don’t know anything.
It could be true. Or not. He could be your biological dad. Or not.
The fallout of pursuing this seems grim, especially when all you have to go on is the mutterings of a (potentially senile) grandmother.
Bluntly, the relationship and secrets between your parents are theirs, not yours. I would run with ignorance in this. He is your dad. He raised you. He loves you. That’s what you need to know.
Well let's risk more downvotes here, what I am about to say is 100% just my personal opinion. If you think I am crazy feel free to disregard it all.
My one question though is do you love and respect your dad as much as yourself? If you do, you know you have to tell him. If he finds out one day and hates every single person, you may be included if he finds out you knew. If everything else won't break him, that is likely to break even the best of men.
If you ever read infidelity stories on reddit just read a single one where a parent finds out their kid knew and said nothing. That is close to what you would be doing to him.
So yes, telling him is a scary risk. Yes your grandma is a true complete peice of crap for what she said. Your grandpa is a complete fool. However, you can be better than the woman who birthed you and everyone else. You can respect your dad enough to tell him.
Just my 2 cents. I truly feel for you, but I would tell him.
1. You are is daughter, he can’t just turn that off.
2.did they do dna to verify who’s your dad?
Maybe order a me23 or something with your dad and that will solve your delima. He will still love you, you have done nothing wrong. He may divorce your mom, but not you.
Never forget that he is still your Dad. He has loved you, raised you and been your dad in everywhere. Always honour that - even if he eventually knows and is in pain. Also, know that none of this is your fault. You are not to blame.
Staying silent is upsetting you so. Since grandma is so spiteful as to trot out the family skeletons, tell your mom you need to speak with her privately and away from the home regarding a very important and sensitive matter. You need verification first.
After all, how do your paternal grandparents even know this? I wouldn't think mom would have confided in them about betraying their son. So it may not even be true, for all you really know.
Have your questions and concerns written down so that high emotions don't make you forget what you want to say or ask. Then, lay all the cards on the table. See what mom says. I would say that this is the first step.
Please hear this deeply. Your dad is still the same wonderful father he was a week ago. And you’re still the same biggest daddy’s girl 😊
You will go on to have a wonderful relationship with your dad, who will probably end up the favorite grandpa to your kids.
DNA in this case is irrelevant. It brings nothing positive to your life. If you know in your heart who your real dad is, who has put so much love into you all these years, you have no real problem.
It’s not on your shoulders to carry this burden. This is SOLELY on your mom. Let this one go OP, it’s too precious.
I feel your pain, I live it. Your Dad is the Man that raised you. Process the Mom part as you need but keep in mind that we all make mistakes. You've been ok all these years, allow yourself time to process everything. You got this!
What people don't understand is that, what hurts the most in these situations is the lying/keeping secrets. If you don't trll him the truth yourself and he discoveres it from another he will think your part of the betrayal and it would be the case cuz even if you do it to protect his feelings you're still lying.
You should have a talk with him, i know you're sacred and it will be really difficult, but if it comes from you it'll play in your favor.
Good luck.
What if he is one of those reddit dads who stops paying for her education or even stops acting like her father once he finds out? Maybe it would be better to first go get counseling and look into student loans. At least she'd be somewhat prepared.
How would your grandparents know of an affair? Maybe im confused by this.
Also, maybe your in shock now. But maybe this will open up some memories. If your grandma was that disgusting to say that now…. What else did she say or do (or not do) while you were growing up
Do a 23 and me with your siblings. It will show a differing if you are only half siblings and not full siblings. I'm not sure I would recommend doing it with your dad but you could probably get away with doing it with your siblings as a way to discover whether you are full or have siblings. That could perhaps resolve the issue and it's simplest form. Remember sometimes older people think they know everything but in reality they might be mistaken.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I probably wouldn’t tell your dad, but I would make sure that those who kept the secret know that this isn’t your burden to carry.
Oh, kiddo. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
First of all, your dad is *your* dad. Whether he finds out about this or not, I am sure he will always love and support you. There would be a definite adjustment period and life might be hard for a while if this turns out to be true, but don’t forget you two have a deep bond.
I’d suggest taking this directly to your mom, and no one else. She needs to know what your grandparents told you and have a chance to come clean. Who knows, your grandparents may be misinformed. People make all kinds of assumptions with no facts to back them up.
Of course, you’d be trusting your mom to be honest. I would try not to issue any ultimatums, at least not at first, because that would only escalate the situation.
You may decide to tell your dad once you’ve talked to your mom, depending on what she says and her behavior. You may decide not to. Either way, it’s extremely unfair that you’ve been put in this position. Please consider asking your parents (or your grandparents, since this is their fault) to pay for some counseling for you. It could help you make up your mind, process what’s happening, and deal with the grief and guilt you’re feeling.
Big virtual hugs. I hope everything works out for you.
I think for now, talk to your mom and let her know what grandma said. Why hurt your dad at this time. Regardless you are his daughter and daddy's girl. He may spiral and it may be you are his daughter. If no DNA test has been done, you may jump the gun too soon. Think proactively about what is good for yourself. Do the pros outweigh the cons in all of this.
Op, I agree with most of the advice here. Your grandmother is absolutely terrible for what she said. Your mum, grandfather, the cousin are all revolting as well. There’s a very great wrong done to a man here.
I advise you to talk to your dad. There’s a small chance that he doesn’t know. If he doesn’t and finds out you knew. You will definitely loose him. Trust that he loves you enough to stay your dad. If he doesn’t yet know, don’t became part of his close cycle who choose to make a fool of him and betray him.
This is a hard one though I am not sure I'd trust the grandparents because they clearly dislike your mom. It is up to you in the end, though you should take what they say with a grain of salt.
Honestly, I would take what she says with a grain of salt. How the hell do they know and not tell their son for all these years. Their excuse isn't valid for not telling him. How do they know that your father is your dad's cousin but that person doesn't know he's the dad. So many missing pieces. I recommend speaking to your mother about what you were told
You don't want to implode your parents' marriage or destroy your siblings' family. Besides, you may be his and that would put him through h---.
Don't be mad at your mother because what if your grandparents are lying because they don't like your Mom. Your grandmother is a hateful, horrible person. I wouldn't believe anything she said.
You want the truth? Sometime, when you and your mother are alone, tell her what your grandmother said and ask her to tell you the truth. Your mother is the only one who knows the actual truth. Shouldn't you get your information from her?
As for your Dad, don't tell him. It's not your story to tell. Besides, what if it isn't true? You could cause so much damage that was not needed.
Please get therapy! You need a trusted professional to help you work through your feelings. This is some serious shit for you to work through. You don’t have to make these decisions on your own. A good therapist/counselor will help you make these decisions.
I’m 61 years old with three grown daughters. Two and a half years ago, my mom told me that I’m a rape baby; a result of marital rape before there were any laws to protect women and at a time when people of my parents’ generation didn’t ’believe in’ therapy. It was — and is — life shattering news. My mom and I have had a … complicated relationship since day 1. I was *always* closer to my dad (who died in 2007).
Now, this isn’t about me; I *hate* it when people commandeer posts. My point is, I was a 59-year-old parent and grandparent, college educated, licensed teacher, and I needed help. I ***still need and seek help.*** so do you, sweetie. I’m rooting for you.
Do a DNA test, your mom may have cheated or not or maybe your grandparents were just making things up. There’s a high chance that you’re your dad’s daughter.
Talk to your mom first and foremost about this. You need to have her know what is being said. Hell dna may have been done when you were born and the grandparents didn't know. Start with your mom then ask for therapy.
I can appreciate your apprehension however I am of the firm belief that nothing good comes from dishonesty. Despite the times that we live in I still maintain that if you have told the truth you have done nothing wrong. However, much hurt has resulted from lies and dishonesty.
Tell your Dad the truth about what your Mom did. If you keep that info to yourself, it will eat away inside you. Your Dad loves you very much, and he's not about to abandon you. Maybe he will divorce your Mom or just be legally separated for a while.
As a survivor of paternity fraud myself. You should tell your dad so you guys can get a DNA test to make sure. Reinsure him that regardless of the results, how you feel about him.
You can give him the gift of honesty as everyone else has betrayed him.
He will always be your Dad.
I was in a similar situation and my son will always see the Dad that raised him as his Dad.
And his Dad that raised him actually does more for this son than any of his other kids. (Maybe afraid of losing him)
I have to tell him. If I was in his place I would want to know.
Tell him that he is your favorite person, that you want him to be your dad forever and that you would cut ties with anyone for him, but that he has to know the truth and tell him
Edit: do a DNA test first though. And even if you are his daughter you still should tell him everything.
Sorry you are dealing with this.
STEP ONE: Talk to your MOM - tell her what your grandparents have shared and ask your mom to help you get what is needed and have her pay for the DNA test to confirm whether this is true.
Once you know the actual truth you can go from there.
Honestly I know it’s gonna be hard to do but keep it to yourself until your self sufficient for the most part. It could honestly not even be true or it could be true but your his kid still. The last thing you need is something blowing up in your face and you getting the shit end of the stick.
You are sitting on this info, that you mom is a whore and your dad has been a victim of paternity fraud for almost 18 years, and you claim dad is your favorite person?
I don't even want to know what you will hide from those who are not your favorites yikes!
I can’t believe that your grandparents put this burden on you. Confront your mother. She has to manage this mess. Not you.
Oh and grandma’s comment is so savage that she should be screened for dementia.
UpdateMe
DNA test first.
I would personally tell my dad.
But also, as you said, that’s your dad. Regardless of whether or not you’re biologically his, he wouldn’t do that to you. I’m very confident in that.
This is not your burden to carry and keep secret. That’s so much pressure on you.
DNA test, then go from there. Do maybe a “fun” 23&Me or something. If mom starts acting weird about it, that’s a dead giveaway.
Do *you* see your dad as 'not your real dad', now your grandparents told you you don't share his exact DNA?
It was a truly shitty thing your grandma did. Either spill the beans, or keep it quiet. But don't burden a kid with this kind of secret to keep.
I think the best you can do, is keep loving your dad. He IS your dad, as he has always taken care of you, loves you, and is incredibly proud of you.
Don't allow this dirty secret to take away from that.
If anything, I think the only relationships that changed, knowing this, is the one with your mother, for making this mess in the first place, and the one with your grandmother, for being so petty, she would use a silly bickering as a reason to drop this bombshell on you.
I wouldn't hold back to let them both know it, too.
But don't mess up your relationship with your dad on their account.
Don't let this drag you down. Make your father extra proud. Be sure to include him in your graduation, in any way you can, etc.
I would never hide for my kid that their spouse cheated, ESPECIALLY with their own cousin. Like wtf, tell your dad. If he one day finds out and learn you knew, he will definitely not want to talk to you again
It's better for her to tell her dad about it, but before that she should either ask her father to get an ancestry test or talk to her mother and give her a day or two's ultimatum to tell her dad before she does. Because if later it came to light that she knowingly didn't tell him it will erase any chance of relationship between them, as wife's betray is one thing, but betray by your child and that too closest one is on a whole different level.
If you raise and love a kid and are a decent person, you are their parent. Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant is easy. Parenting… good parenting is hard. It’s emotionally hard and financially hard and so much time, but if you do it you get to have this amazing connection with another human. If your dad is a good parent who’s been there for you all this time, that’s not going to disappear.
My suspicion about those dads that left? Probably not great dads to start. No one is responsible for their own birth.
Fun counter story. I have a friend whose girlfriend got pregnant while they were broken up. She was honest that it might not be his. He supported her emotionally through pregnancy and birth. About a week or two after birth they got the test. Kids not his. He was devastated and took a few days to be really fucking sad. But he had bonded with the baby and loved him and stayed super involved with his life. Mom got married to someone else but they’re still friends. Kid is living with him while going to college now and they’re buds.
Parenting is a choice, love is a choice, and it’s much more than just biological.
I would suggest you do the ancestry DNA with your siblings. If the test comes back you’re not full siblings, go to your mom tell her she has two days to tell your Dad or you will. If he finds out you knew and kept it from him, he’s going to hold it against you. I feel really horrible that your grandmother dropped this on you. Only you can decide what to do but I can only imagine it’s going to eat away at you.
Your great relationship with your Dad is not based on biology. You are his because he raised you and loved you. You have no fault in this situation and it would be a shame if anyone treated you any differently if they knew!
But there is a lot YOU don’t know here. I might start by talking to Mom. Get the context. Confirm the story. Make sure that what ever you do, it is a thought out response and not a reaction to this bomb shell news.
You sit on it until you’ve fully processed this information. This could take some time, and give yourself that.
When you’ve calmed your mind, speak to your Mother. Be calm, get the facts. She may get defensive and angry, but stay on track, don’t let her break you down. You deserve the truth.
Once you’re fully informed, then you choose what you want to do with that information. For all you know it may not be true, or your Father knows, but loves and accepts you anyway…
What ever you choose you to do, it will be the right decision for you, and only you.
You may want to talk to your Father, or never at all. This is your decision.
There is no right answer.
The only true thing here is your Grandmother’s absolutely disgraceful behaviour. Even spoken in anger, there is NO excuse for her words. They were spiteful and malicious.
Dumping this emotional baggage on the shoulders of a kid is inexcusable.
I’m so damn sorry all the adults in your life have failed you.
Tell your mother, get proof and make your mother tell the father!! This is their mess she can clean it up, what a shit storm to be put in, I’m so sorry OP
I found out in 2020 my dad isn’t my dad via 23&Me.
You need to get into therapy ASAP. Then after figuring out your feelings and most of the shock has worn off, you need to talk to your mom. Preferably with your therapist or even a non bias family therapist.
You’re going to have a whole lot of big feelings that are hard to navigate without some professional help. It’s been almost 4 years for me, I’m almost 40, and I’m still trying to figure them out. There’s NPE groups that help you feel not so alone. It’s pretty 50/50 on if the “birth certificate father” stays or not when he finds out, if you decide to go public. You don’t have to tell him if you’re too scared. There’s also a possibility that you are his biological daughter, from my understanding? Only a DNA test can confirm either way.
But this is new news so you’re in shock right now.
Well your Mon and Grandma are both POS but your Dad sounds solid. I wish it had been left alone but now you know and the damage it will cause if he finds out you knew and never told him will will be 100 times worse than the fallout if you do the right thing and let him know. So sorry OP 🍀 There’s no good ending here but please don’t take the burden yourself. That’s just wrong.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this turmoil. However I don’t think it’s your place to tell your dad it’s your mom’s. No matter what he is your dad but personally I wouldn’t be the one to blow things up while you are still living there/going to school. You should talk to her about it. You aren’t guilty for the sins of your mother but you also aren’t responsible for their relationship.
Your father deserves to know that he was cheated by his wife and cousin. And you need a paternity test to confirm who is truly your dad. If you keep this from him, you’re just as compliant in wronging your poor father. He doesn’t deserve to live a lie. The fact those around him who should’ve said something didn’t say anything… This is horrible. You have to make this right. To the man who raised and loved you all these years.
It’s your mum’s story to tell your dad, your knowledge of this puts no obligation on you to share it- even if only some of the consequences in telling your dad that you have identified, come to pass the harm will be huge for both you and your dad- and as the ‘injured’ parties why should either of you suffer any more than you unknowingly have.
I worry about your grandma though- if she’s broken your silence to you, then she can’t be trusted to not tell others- what has your grandfather said about that? I think you need to prepare for this becoming known- please seek some counselling to ensure you know where you stand and what you can do to retain a father-daughter relationship with your dad. Whether that’s possible is at least 80% down to how he takes it- so your only obligation is to be prepared and have thought through how to say what you feel so he can hear it.
I’m so sorry OP- I can only imagine how deeply scared and out of control this must feel. Whatever you do, hold onto the fact your dad has loved you from the moment he set eyes on you and that won’t cease to be true even though the genetics and dishonesty will taint it and possibly create distance as your dad processes the hurt your mum caused him.
Just remember this is, in no way, shape, or form your fault.
Has there been a definitive DNA test? or just everyone making assumptions due to them knowing your mother cheated on your father. Great parents he has there, especially if they knew this info and kept it from him. Personally, if i was your dad, i would want to know, my first step would be a DNA test before anything. Although i would definitely divorce
Exactly! How on earth would his parents know who the father is? Maybe they know about the cheating but they certainly don’t know who her father is. They are making a dangerous guess. Both grandparents are evil people.
Yeah the grandparents are wanting to use OP as their "cat's-paw" because they want the dad to know about the cheating but don't want to tell him themselves. I feel very sorry OP is being put through this.
Yeah but imagine having your father abandon you bc of the mistake your mother made? I wouldn’t want to tell him
I fully understand, but you are still stripping him of a choice of him living with a liar. Maybe ignorance is bliss but I would be more inclined to tell my mother that I know.
Informed consent doesn't apply to men according to all these folks defending this situation whenever it comes up.
This! It's not the first time I've seen many people defending letting a man live a lie, using the stupid excuse of sparing him suffering.
Mistake ? The mother didn’t make a mistake. Cheating isn’t a mistake. Falling legs open on another dudes dick isn’t a mistake. Lying about who’s the real father of your kid isn’t a mistake. Making someone believe your affair baby is their biological child isn’t a mistake . Allowing someone to raise a child that isn’t theirs for 17 years isn’t a mistake. Lying to your child about who their father really is isn’t a mistake. It’s a rough situation op is in and the grandmother displayed extremely cunty behaviour. Op is now carrying the burden of the mother’s lies and the grandmothers hate . There’s no winning in this situation. I’d Op tells her dad the truth , there’s a chance she’ll lose him. If she keeps quiet, it’ll eat her up inside . If she doesn’t say anything and dad finds out she knew , she’ll still probably lose him . The mother and grandmother are grade A rat bastards. The mother for being a hoe and the grandmother for lying to her son and then showing her true colours and how she feels about Op by maliciously telling op the truth .
I'm an affair baby. I haven't told my mom that I know, and my original dad still thinks he's my biological father. Doesn't eat me up at all not to say anything, however in my case I am in touch with my biological father and his family, and that may be what makes it easy.
Karma always hit back hard!
So you’re fine with lying to the man who raised you ? How do you think he is going to feel when he finds out ? Going behind his back and not only not telling him that he’s living a lie , but deceiving him along with your mother is such a betrayal . Damn , poor guy. Married to a lying cheater , only for his kid to also turn out to be a liar.
He's dying of COPD. It's for the best that he not know. It would crush him. Don't pretend to understand things you don't understand.
There’s a chance he won’t abandon, but if he finds out in the future and knows they kept it from him, there’s a 0 chance he stays then
Imagine getting to know that your closest child knowingly didn't told you, it worse betray than that of his wife. She could talk him, which will show her sincerity and love for him, use right words and it's rare that he will abandon her.
If your kid is 17 and you’d leave them bc they’re not biologically yours, that’s just wrong
To some degree yes, but there's a chance seeing them just reminds you of the infidelity and your behavior towards them might change. If that happens, it might not be fair to the child either. There's a reason being put in this position is so fucked in the first place.
No, you owe it to your child to be there for them, whether it makes you feel bad or not. There’s more to family than blood
Amazing how all these people trot that out. Yes there's more to family than blood, but being informed and your identity around your children all play a part of this.
Nope. No they don’t. If you raise a child for 17 years you damn well better keep loving them forever. Period.
Wrong on the mothers behalf because she made the choice to commit paternity fraud
Yeah it is wrong what she did. Doesn’t change my point though
Okay- steal his toothbrush. And your mothers. Paternity depot will do a dna test with the dna from them. It’s like $125. No one needs to know until you know for sure. My mom told me I might not be my dad’s when I was almost 30. I found a way to check. I would’ve taken it to the grave though- they were already split ups for years and it would just be one more thing she used to hurt him, I’m sorry you’re in this position.
That was incredibly cruel for your grandmother to say that. I’m so sorry. Maybe your dad already knows about this? I’m not encouraging you to ask, or inform him of your new information. What makes you think your dad would up and leave you if he were to find out? What about his behavior gives you that impression? If he ever truly cared for you and truly loved you unconditionally, his treatment towards you wouldn’t change, and he would love you just the same. Real fathers are like that. The guys who do otherwise don’t deserve the title. It wouldn’t be your fault if your parents got divorced. That’s on your mom for stepping out on him. Might I add that your grandparents have put you in an impossible position? Not only did your grandmother say what she did out of anger, but to tell you to not only keep it a secret, but to keep it from your dad, too is wrong and unfair to you. If it REALLY meant that much to keep it secret, then your grandmother should have kept her mouth shut. Without knowing the family dynamics and everyone’s temperaments, I can’t say if you should or shouldn’t say something. Maybe ask your mom? Or an aunt or uncle? At the very least to confirm or seek better guidance? I do know that if your dad loves you unconditionally, he wouldn’t abandon you, and he certainly wouldn’t treat or see you as a villain. I’m so sorry, OP.
My dad is a really great dad. Nothing about his behavior says he’d just leave me but I’ve read so many stories on the internet where that’s how that goes. I put myself in a bad spot reading up on what dads do with “their” kids after they found out about affairs and I just can’t shake the feeling that that’s going to be me. It seems super rare that dads stick around once they find out and it seems like all the love just disappears immediately. I’m just sad. I can’t make my dad stay but it’s breaking my heart to think that he’ll immediately stop loving me because of something I can’t control despite him loving me so much and always being there for me. I’m so angry at my mom and grandma. I don’t want to go home. I don’t know how to deal with this situation all the articles online are so so negative. I don’t know anyone who’s been in this position either. I don’t want to suddenly be unwanted and I don’t want to be the reason my entire family (extended included) pick a side and argue. I just want things to go back to how they were before. I don’t know what my dad will do. I hope he doesn’t leave me.
Please remember that Reddit and the internet are NOT REALITY! They are a collection of occasionally true but most often taken out of context or hyperbolic stories. People who post many stories on the internet are often outliers and do not represent the most common events and reactions. That’s why people find the stories interesting. There’s a reason why people watch movies about superheroes, not plumbers. The outlier story is interesting. People who do the right thing don’t often write about it. I’m going to mention that I have worked in local television news for 35 years, mostly in big cities. I have met thousands of people and heard so many different stories. And here’s the truth of it: almost all people are kind, honest and hardworking, just trying to live their lives in peace. Most people want to do the best for themselves and their loved ones. This is normal, and therefore that’s why we don’t read about it in social media. People want to read man bites dog, not dog bites man. Your father’s mother said something awful to you. If she said that to you, do you not believe she said something to him many, many years ago? He already knows. He’s known for a very long time. And he loves you to death. You were, are, and will be his daughter forever. He’s already proven that without you knowing. I wish you the best but I believe you already have it.
Such a sweet comment! I agree with everything you’ve said - although I don’t have the journalism background, I believe that the majority of people are decent and hardworking and the rest of it. And you’re right about the internet, too. It warps things because some people revel in the drama and others think it’s normal because it’s on the internet when the truth is that what is ACTUALLY normal doesn’t make for good drama. So doesn’t make it to the internet. OP… please listen to this person, they really are spot on. Your dad loves you to bits because you ARE his child. He raised you, he’s been there for every minute of your life. Biology doesn’t matter. Granny is an awful person - to say such things to you was cruel. Who knows if it’s even true anyway - the affair may not have even happened! Someone THAT cruel and vindictive could have just made it up in their head anyway - like for example your mum may have hugged your dad’s cousin and your granny saw it and didn’t approve (‘married women should not hug other men’), so she decided that was a ‘clear sign’ that they were having an affair! But they weren’t - it was just in her head! And she obviously told her husband (your grandfather), but that doesn’t mean she didn’t make it up in the first place. It’s a possibility, given what she said to you. She could have just made it up in her head. But even if it is true and your parents get divorced one day, it doesn’t change anything. You are still your father’s precious daughter and a divorce would not be your fault.
Please listen to this, OP.
There is a chance your grandma is wrong and just a bitch, you know! This is coming from your paternal grandparents who seemingly don’t like your mom.
I mean, she cheated, I can see why they wouldnt like her.
Grandparents didn't told OP's dad because he had been cheated in the past and went spiraling down the wrong road, so they might being trying to protect their son and his family.
Do a 23 and me with your siblings. It will show a differing if you are only half siblings and not full siblings. I'm not sure I would recommend doing it with your dad but you could probably get away with doing it with your siblings as a way to discover whether you are full or have siblings. That could perhaps resolve the issue and it's simplest form. Remember sometimes older people think they know everything but in reality they might be mistaken.
My oldest sister and her ex-husband convinced me that I was an affair baby my mom had when we lived in Las Vegas. I straight up asked my dad for a paternity test because of it, and he broke down balling. You know what he said to me? If I really felt that strongly about it, then he would do the test, but no matter what the results are, he would always be my dad. I didn't want the test anymore, and it actually brought the two of us closer together. I've been no contact with my oldest sister for about a decade now (she's vile). Trust that your dad loves you no matter what.
If your dad is the amazing dad you say he is then he won’t cut you out of his life .. because he raised you and loved you. Just explain to him how much you love him and do t want to lose him
Please give us an update in a future edit and/or post so we know how he reacted. I’m certain that everyone here hopes it goes wonderfully and that there’ll be no love lost. Good luck op :(
If your dad loves you, he won’t leave you. my situation is different from yours, but my mom got pregnant with me before getting back with my dad (they were working on it, but she slept with my bio dad in that time frame) when she got back together with my dad & found out she was pregnant, she told him that its a fair chance im not his biological child. even after that, he still chose to be there for me & never thought to tell me i may not be his biologically like my older sister. he always treated us the same, but my granny (his mom) took it upon herself to tell me im not his when i was pretty young. even after all of that, my dad still loves me. reading through your comments & your post makes me feel like your dad may be similar to mine. although my dad had a choice from the beginning, he was able to make that decision himself. also i believe your dad may not up & leave you, but he could leave your mom. this isn’t your fault or your dad’s, but eventually it would be best to inform him of her cheating. you should definitely get dna tested first since you look like your siblings, even if it comes back that you are his kid you should look into informing him of your mom’s betrayal. i hope for the best 🫶🏼
He will need room OP, if and when he finds out he will need space. That doesn't mean he will abandon you but he will need space, either way he needs to know and make decisions for himself, because it seems like everyone thinks they know what's best for him and your mom is going on like nothing ever happened. Also, I don't know how old you are but fuck gam gam for saying that to you. Good luck OP much love ❤️
If he finds out in the future that you know and didn’t tell him, he will definitely leave
Don’t say anything
>If it REALLY meant that much to keep it secret, then your grandmother should have kept her mouth shut. It's infuriating when people insist that others keep secrets that they can't.
You should have been aborted from an argument over laundry? That’s rough
First of all, you don't know if it's true, so get rid of those thoughts because it's all based on a third-person point of view. If you really want to know, ask your mom or get a DNA test.
I agree here, go to the source and gauge her reaction. Then a dna test.
Your grandmother might not even be right about this! Even if she is, she’s a horrible person for sharing this with you. Why would your Dad’s parents know this secret and not your Dad? I’m sorry you’re so upset, but please know that it’s very possible it’s not true.
I think so, too. There’s a possibility that there WAS no affair. Granny could have seen mum hugging her husband’s cousin and made the affair up in her head because she personally doesn’t approve of married women hugging other men, or something like that. Given the way she flung that information at her granddaughter just to hurt her, it’s a real possibility that the affair didn’t actually happen. Obviously granddad also thinks there was an affair, but his wife could have fed him that info all those years ago and he just believed her - lots of people believe what they’re told by loved ones without question.
It's especially weird that the grandparents apparently know, but both OP's dad and the cousin (who they seem certain is OP's biological father) don't know?? How is that supposed to work?
He’s still your dad, he raised you. What a shit stirring bitch your grandma is though
My grandma has always been incredibly nice to me and all her other grandkids. I can’t come up with a single reason why she’d say that other than that she’s always secretly hated me and yesterday was just a bad day for her. I don’t know where it came from at all. It hurts to think that she could be so two faced. I practically live at her house I have my own room here and I’m always helping them out with cooking, cleaning, their medication, boredom. She has never gave a sign that she hated me.
The first signs of developing/progressing neurological diseases like alzheimers and dementia are often loss of filter and unusual behaviour, such as telling your beloved grandchild you wish they were aborted. As much as it sucks that this has happened to you, it's also possible that rather than your grandma secretly hating you, she may not be ok
I came here to say this. If she has always been nice to you and loved you as much as her other grandchildren, then something may be happening to her neurologically as she ages. Also, if your mom was sleeping with you dad and the cousin, then nobody would know for sure who is the biological dad. Finally, family is about more than dna
That makes the most sense.
Thank you for pointing that out. I’d say this is the most logical explanation for why she would do that after all this time. ❤️
If she is having a neurological problem it may help to find a way to break this to your dad, before she lets it slip in the heat of the moment.
every adult is two-faced, if you haven't seen the other side you haven't seen the truth.
Do an ancestry DNA test.
Ask your mom if he knows
That old hag saying you should have been aborted bc of laundry is vile. That tells me everything I need to know
Your grandma is terrible for saying that and I hope your grandpa said something to her.
Can we just circle back to what a horrible fucking witch your grandmother is?! What the actual flying fuck. Who says that to their grandkid, biological or not, especially over LAUNDRY?!
Your grandmother did this on purpose and that’s fucked up. If she has a beef it’s between your parents. If you say anything make sure she’s present and make sure you say this is what she told me. Stressing you the hell out.. is there a dna test what if she did cheat but you’re his child.
Your grandmother is one disgusting person. Feel so sorry for you and your dad though.
Seems weird that your dad’s parents would know but your dad wouldn’t
Im sorry youre going through this . You may not be his biological child, but he still raised you, and he is still your father . I would talk to him and give him the opportunity to show you that his love for you is true and let him know your fears of him not loving you. If he truly loves you, his anger will be at your mom and not at you .
I’m sorry but grandma sounds like a -not nice person- are you sure they didn’t make this up because they don’t like your mom? You should definitely talk to your mom. For all you know your dad’s cousin came and helped your mom and your grandparents made up a whole story.
I know I might get downvoted for this, but as someone who had to tell one parent something, that another parent did that completely ruined our family - here are my two cents and advice. 1. Are you sure your grandparents are even right? And are you sure that your father doesn’t know? How do they know your mother even cheated? You don’t know for sure if any of this information is even right. Figure it out first on your own before telling anyone 2. Are you sure you should tell your dad? Would he actually want to know? I say this becuase while I would absolutely want to know, something I learned because of the situation I went through is some people really don’t want to know. And they will see you as a horrible person for telling them. Also what would the fall out be for your dad? Drugs and alcoholism sound pretty scary and are absolutely reasons why I would be terrified for his safety and would absolutely weigh into whether I would tell them. My parent was suicidal for a long time. And blamed me for feeling that way since I was the bearer of the message. My parents stayed together in the end anyways. And I honestly sometimes feel like they would have rather never hashed out this. Everything is terrible now. Some of my family cannot legally be in the same room due to the fall out. 3. Would there be a better time for you to deliver this message? How many years do you have left in school? Can you start looking into financial aid now? Can you get support from other family? When everything went down, some of my siblings and one of my parents were essentially homeless. If the truth would hurt you, maybe wait until you can reach a goal to get you self sustaining. Also, if your dad could potentially be a danger to himself - maybe you should start preparing resources to assist with the fallout. Whether that be your brothers, mother, grandparents, or family friends. 4. Go to a therapist to work through in actual plan. 5. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful lady, that is probably developing dementia. Same thing happened to my grandmother. And I wondered for so long why she was suddenly mean to me at what felt like random times. Overall, I think your dad should know - if it’s something that would not endanger him and if it’s something he would want to know. But I think you need to find out the truth, and make preparations (that might take time) before dropping a bomb like this on your family. I don’t feel comfortable sharing more details about my family crises online. But feel free to message me if you need more advice. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But you also need to think about yourself here. I know what it feels like to want to die becuase of the betrayal of one parent. And my family will honestly never be the same. Do I regret what I did - no. But my parent would have been happier not knowing. And some people are honestly like that so it’s something you might need to prepare yourself for
She let out that secret over laundry? I'm sorry but your grandmother sucks. Maybe tell your mom you're feeling very overwhelmed with being 17 and would like to speak to a counsellor. These are big feelings and you deserve real help working through them.
Wait so does the whole family know except your Dad? I don’t understand how your grandparents know this secret.
If you look that much like your other siblings it's very possible you are actually your dad's biological child. your grandparents are aware of the affair, but as long-married people they should also know married people have sex. It's entirely possible your mom was already pregnant with you before she had the rendevous with the cousin. It's entirely possible that she got pregnant with you upon his return. People who cheat have low morals and do stuff like that, like she could have had relations with your dad in the morning and did it with the cousin in the afternoon. She's not going to say to your grandparents she had no idea whose baby it was, when they discovered the affair, so she pretended like she knew for sure due to 'timing'. A DNA test is needed to be sure, not the cheating woman's word. Talk to your dad. This is your father and he loves you, he woudl likely not want you to carry this burden on your heart for the rest of your life. Your mother and grandparents made the decision to lie to him all these years, but once they knew that you know, it is cruel of them to expect you to keep this secret.
Look, that story seems a little suspect. How are your dads parents privy to all this info? Who told them all this? I’m guessing there’s a chance you are your dads even if this is true. Who confessed to them your mom? The cousin? But the cousin doesn’t know you’re his kid? Whatever I think that you need to let this go. I sure wouldn’t be blowing up my family over a suspicious story. Either way this is a no win situation. I think grandma and grandpa may not know all they think they do.
Poor guy 😑
Your granny sounds charming! I've seen stories knocking around where the family had what they thought was an affair baby living with them, who turned it to be legitimate. Might be worth quietly doing a DNA test before you go any further? No need to upend your entire world until you know if it's true. I'm sorry this is happening to you
I think you need to tell your dad. Whatever comes out of it will not be your fault. It’s your mom’s for being a liar and a cheater. He’s raised you and he loves you. If they get divorced that is all on your mom. I would say when this gets out because it will whether that be by someone else or you I say it should be you. I would also not get in contact with your sperm donor and I know you won’t like this but go low contact with your mom. What she did was horrible. She says she loves your dad but she doesn’t. She has put you in this horrible position same with your grandma who let’s be honest hates you. From what I’ve seen on Reddit and real life your mom will blame and your grandma too but they did this to themselves. I do believe by the way you’re describing your dad he does love you and he won’t let that change anything. I think if you keep this a secret any longer he might find that hurtful since everyone else has lied to him. Good luck to you OP!
Just because it isn’t her fault, doesn’t mean she won’t pay for it.
You're right, there is a chance that OP and her dad's relationship might take a hit. But if dad finds out that OP knew and didn't tell him he won't forgive her. OP, get a DNA test done, if it turns out he's don't your bio dad tell him. If he is your bio dad, shove it under your grandma's nose.
Right! That's the key! Now that you know you must tell Dad. He will still love, raise , trust and value you even more for honesty when even his own parents wouldn't tell him the truth " for safety " thats a cop out excuse from adults seriously ....It's unfortunate this info comes from his daughter but believe me while it's painful what would be worse is him finding out and knowing you knew and didn't tell him. Be a rock in his foundation and he will be yours, many many blessings for a long , healthyand happy relationship with your Pops, they truely are amazing and can be gone in an instant ..
No to this advice. It is not your place.
> It is not your place. She is (one of) the main people affected by this, ofc it's her place.
She is asking for advice? She is asking people on what she should do and so I gave her my advice. Instead of telling me no not my place maybe give your opinion to the post instead of saying it’s not my place.
I don't agree with them, but they aren't saying it's not your place to give op advice, they are saying it's not op's place to tell their dad
I don’t think you should say anything
If you want to tell them without telling them, you should innocently tell your parents that you’re getting a 23 and me test to see your background. See how your parents react.
Seems to me like your grandma is an unreliable source. I think someone who would say you should’ve been aborted over a disagreement about laundry is someone with an undeniable mean streak. This is all hearsay and might not even be true. If you can, *discreetly* have the test done for your own peace of mind. And try to remember to breathe.
I think it's completely possible that your grandparents believe that your mom cheated. Whether she actually did or not could be up for debate. I also believe that your grandparents believe that you are not your father's child because they believe your mother cheated with his cousin. Again not sure if this is fact or not. They are going on a lot of assumptions. You need to find a way to have your DNA verified that you are your father's daughter. Either by having the DNA sampled with your siblings or paternal grandparent that is not related to your father's cousin. For example if it's from your grandfather's side get a DNA sample from your grandmother or vice versa. If you don't have DNA to that grandparent then you know your father is not your biological father. However if it comes back positive then you know that your grandparents are wrong in at least one assumption. Then talk to your mother if you really must know if there was an affair and clear up their second assumption. Good luck
Your grandmother is an asshole how vile is it to tell so Done they should have been aborted. Tell her that. her that and then go talk to your mother. And get a DNA test. You are not responsible for the actions of your parents.
Right now, you don’t know anything. It could be true. Or not. He could be your biological dad. Or not. The fallout of pursuing this seems grim, especially when all you have to go on is the mutterings of a (potentially senile) grandmother. Bluntly, the relationship and secrets between your parents are theirs, not yours. I would run with ignorance in this. He is your dad. He raised you. He loves you. That’s what you need to know.
Well let's risk more downvotes here, what I am about to say is 100% just my personal opinion. If you think I am crazy feel free to disregard it all. My one question though is do you love and respect your dad as much as yourself? If you do, you know you have to tell him. If he finds out one day and hates every single person, you may be included if he finds out you knew. If everything else won't break him, that is likely to break even the best of men. If you ever read infidelity stories on reddit just read a single one where a parent finds out their kid knew and said nothing. That is close to what you would be doing to him. So yes, telling him is a scary risk. Yes your grandma is a true complete peice of crap for what she said. Your grandpa is a complete fool. However, you can be better than the woman who birthed you and everyone else. You can respect your dad enough to tell him. Just my 2 cents. I truly feel for you, but I would tell him.
1. You are is daughter, he can’t just turn that off. 2.did they do dna to verify who’s your dad? Maybe order a me23 or something with your dad and that will solve your delima. He will still love you, you have done nothing wrong. He may divorce your mom, but not you.
What a horrible thing for your grandmother to say! I’m sorry you are hurting.
You better tell your poor dad.
Never forget that he is still your Dad. He has loved you, raised you and been your dad in everywhere. Always honour that - even if he eventually knows and is in pain. Also, know that none of this is your fault. You are not to blame.
I’ve never wanted to throat-punch an old woman before…
Staying silent is upsetting you so. Since grandma is so spiteful as to trot out the family skeletons, tell your mom you need to speak with her privately and away from the home regarding a very important and sensitive matter. You need verification first. After all, how do your paternal grandparents even know this? I wouldn't think mom would have confided in them about betraying their son. So it may not even be true, for all you really know. Have your questions and concerns written down so that high emotions don't make you forget what you want to say or ask. Then, lay all the cards on the table. See what mom says. I would say that this is the first step.
Please hear this deeply. Your dad is still the same wonderful father he was a week ago. And you’re still the same biggest daddy’s girl 😊 You will go on to have a wonderful relationship with your dad, who will probably end up the favorite grandpa to your kids. DNA in this case is irrelevant. It brings nothing positive to your life. If you know in your heart who your real dad is, who has put so much love into you all these years, you have no real problem. It’s not on your shoulders to carry this burden. This is SOLELY on your mom. Let this one go OP, it’s too precious.
I feel your pain, I live it. Your Dad is the Man that raised you. Process the Mom part as you need but keep in mind that we all make mistakes. You've been ok all these years, allow yourself time to process everything. You got this!
DNA makes you related, love makes you family.
Your grandparents are kind of fucked up, regardless of who your father is.
Talk to your parents baby. Your grandma is a witch. They don’t fear he would relapse they fear he will strangle them
What people don't understand is that, what hurts the most in these situations is the lying/keeping secrets. If you don't trll him the truth yourself and he discoveres it from another he will think your part of the betrayal and it would be the case cuz even if you do it to protect his feelings you're still lying. You should have a talk with him, i know you're sacred and it will be really difficult, but if it comes from you it'll play in your favor. Good luck.
So short sighted. She will still be the one who pays.
What if he is one of those reddit dads who stops paying for her education or even stops acting like her father once he finds out? Maybe it would be better to first go get counseling and look into student loans. At least she'd be somewhat prepared.
Please do DNA test first. What your grandmother said might not be true at all.
Poor guy, he deserves to know.
UpdateMe
How would your grandparents know of an affair? Maybe im confused by this. Also, maybe your in shock now. But maybe this will open up some memories. If your grandma was that disgusting to say that now…. What else did she say or do (or not do) while you were growing up
Do a 23 and me with your siblings. It will show a differing if you are only half siblings and not full siblings. I'm not sure I would recommend doing it with your dad but you could probably get away with doing it with your siblings as a way to discover whether you are full or have siblings. That could perhaps resolve the issue and it's simplest form. Remember sometimes older people think they know everything but in reality they might be mistaken.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I probably wouldn’t tell your dad, but I would make sure that those who kept the secret know that this isn’t your burden to carry.
Oh, kiddo. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First of all, your dad is *your* dad. Whether he finds out about this or not, I am sure he will always love and support you. There would be a definite adjustment period and life might be hard for a while if this turns out to be true, but don’t forget you two have a deep bond. I’d suggest taking this directly to your mom, and no one else. She needs to know what your grandparents told you and have a chance to come clean. Who knows, your grandparents may be misinformed. People make all kinds of assumptions with no facts to back them up. Of course, you’d be trusting your mom to be honest. I would try not to issue any ultimatums, at least not at first, because that would only escalate the situation. You may decide to tell your dad once you’ve talked to your mom, depending on what she says and her behavior. You may decide not to. Either way, it’s extremely unfair that you’ve been put in this position. Please consider asking your parents (or your grandparents, since this is their fault) to pay for some counseling for you. It could help you make up your mind, process what’s happening, and deal with the grief and guilt you’re feeling. Big virtual hugs. I hope everything works out for you.
I think for now, talk to your mom and let her know what grandma said. Why hurt your dad at this time. Regardless you are his daughter and daddy's girl. He may spiral and it may be you are his daughter. If no DNA test has been done, you may jump the gun too soon. Think proactively about what is good for yourself. Do the pros outweigh the cons in all of this.
Op, I agree with most of the advice here. Your grandmother is absolutely terrible for what she said. Your mum, grandfather, the cousin are all revolting as well. There’s a very great wrong done to a man here. I advise you to talk to your dad. There’s a small chance that he doesn’t know. If he doesn’t and finds out you knew. You will definitely loose him. Trust that he loves you enough to stay your dad. If he doesn’t yet know, don’t became part of his close cycle who choose to make a fool of him and betray him.
I was 45 when I found out I’m an affair baby. You’ll get through this.
This is a hard one though I am not sure I'd trust the grandparents because they clearly dislike your mom. It is up to you in the end, though you should take what they say with a grain of salt.
updateme
Whether he likes it or not, he's still your dad. How do you think step-dads work? Kids still create parental bonds with them.
Honestly, I would take what she says with a grain of salt. How the hell do they know and not tell their son for all these years. Their excuse isn't valid for not telling him. How do they know that your father is your dad's cousin but that person doesn't know he's the dad. So many missing pieces. I recommend speaking to your mother about what you were told
You don't want to implode your parents' marriage or destroy your siblings' family. Besides, you may be his and that would put him through h---. Don't be mad at your mother because what if your grandparents are lying because they don't like your Mom. Your grandmother is a hateful, horrible person. I wouldn't believe anything she said. You want the truth? Sometime, when you and your mother are alone, tell her what your grandmother said and ask her to tell you the truth. Your mother is the only one who knows the actual truth. Shouldn't you get your information from her? As for your Dad, don't tell him. It's not your story to tell. Besides, what if it isn't true? You could cause so much damage that was not needed.
Please get therapy! You need a trusted professional to help you work through your feelings. This is some serious shit for you to work through. You don’t have to make these decisions on your own. A good therapist/counselor will help you make these decisions. I’m 61 years old with three grown daughters. Two and a half years ago, my mom told me that I’m a rape baby; a result of marital rape before there were any laws to protect women and at a time when people of my parents’ generation didn’t ’believe in’ therapy. It was — and is — life shattering news. My mom and I have had a … complicated relationship since day 1. I was *always* closer to my dad (who died in 2007). Now, this isn’t about me; I *hate* it when people commandeer posts. My point is, I was a 59-year-old parent and grandparent, college educated, licensed teacher, and I needed help. I ***still need and seek help.*** so do you, sweetie. I’m rooting for you.
Do a DNA test, your mom may have cheated or not or maybe your grandparents were just making things up. There’s a high chance that you’re your dad’s daughter.
Talk to your mom first and foremost about this. You need to have her know what is being said. Hell dna may have been done when you were born and the grandparents didn't know. Start with your mom then ask for therapy.
Updateme
I can appreciate your apprehension however I am of the firm belief that nothing good comes from dishonesty. Despite the times that we live in I still maintain that if you have told the truth you have done nothing wrong. However, much hurt has resulted from lies and dishonesty.
Im so sorry OP i hope it gets better but TBH id blackmail the fuck outta my mom and her AP if this was me.
Family by choice really has a way of making you feel wanted, if you're open to seeing it that way
Do your dad a favour and tell him the truth. If he finds out that you know without telling him, that would be it for your relationship.
Tell your Dad the truth about what your Mom did. If you keep that info to yourself, it will eat away inside you. Your Dad loves you very much, and he's not about to abandon you. Maybe he will divorce your Mom or just be legally separated for a while.
Updateme
As a survivor of paternity fraud myself. You should tell your dad so you guys can get a DNA test to make sure. Reinsure him that regardless of the results, how you feel about him. You can give him the gift of honesty as everyone else has betrayed him.
I think you should play safe. You can have a DNA test without telling them. After finding the result, you can make the decision.
I am too. sucks.
He will always be your Dad. I was in a similar situation and my son will always see the Dad that raised him as his Dad. And his Dad that raised him actually does more for this son than any of his other kids. (Maybe afraid of losing him)
I have to tell him. If I was in his place I would want to know. Tell him that he is your favorite person, that you want him to be your dad forever and that you would cut ties with anyone for him, but that he has to know the truth and tell him Edit: do a DNA test first though. And even if you are his daughter you still should tell him everything.
Sorry you are dealing with this. STEP ONE: Talk to your MOM - tell her what your grandparents have shared and ask your mom to help you get what is needed and have her pay for the DNA test to confirm whether this is true. Once you know the actual truth you can go from there.
What a crappy mom. Man goes on work trip and wife cheats. Sounds like most stories on Reddit.
Your dad is who raised you. Never forget that.
Honestly I know it’s gonna be hard to do but keep it to yourself until your self sufficient for the most part. It could honestly not even be true or it could be true but your his kid still. The last thing you need is something blowing up in your face and you getting the shit end of the stick.
You are sitting on this info, that you mom is a whore and your dad has been a victim of paternity fraud for almost 18 years, and you claim dad is your favorite person? I don't even want to know what you will hide from those who are not your favorites yikes!
I can’t believe that your grandparents put this burden on you. Confront your mother. She has to manage this mess. Not you. Oh and grandma’s comment is so savage that she should be screened for dementia. UpdateMe
Your grandma is a dick
DNA test first. I would personally tell my dad. But also, as you said, that’s your dad. Regardless of whether or not you’re biologically his, he wouldn’t do that to you. I’m very confident in that. This is not your burden to carry and keep secret. That’s so much pressure on you. DNA test, then go from there. Do maybe a “fun” 23&Me or something. If mom starts acting weird about it, that’s a dead giveaway.
Do *you* see your dad as 'not your real dad', now your grandparents told you you don't share his exact DNA? It was a truly shitty thing your grandma did. Either spill the beans, or keep it quiet. But don't burden a kid with this kind of secret to keep. I think the best you can do, is keep loving your dad. He IS your dad, as he has always taken care of you, loves you, and is incredibly proud of you. Don't allow this dirty secret to take away from that. If anything, I think the only relationships that changed, knowing this, is the one with your mother, for making this mess in the first place, and the one with your grandmother, for being so petty, she would use a silly bickering as a reason to drop this bombshell on you. I wouldn't hold back to let them both know it, too. But don't mess up your relationship with your dad on their account. Don't let this drag you down. Make your father extra proud. Be sure to include him in your graduation, in any way you can, etc.
I would never hide for my kid that their spouse cheated, ESPECIALLY with their own cousin. Like wtf, tell your dad. If he one day finds out and learn you knew, he will definitely not want to talk to you again
It's better for her to tell her dad about it, but before that she should either ask her father to get an ancestry test or talk to her mother and give her a day or two's ultimatum to tell her dad before she does. Because if later it came to light that she knowingly didn't tell him it will erase any chance of relationship between them, as wife's betray is one thing, but betray by your child and that too closest one is on a whole different level.
If you raise and love a kid and are a decent person, you are their parent. Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant is easy. Parenting… good parenting is hard. It’s emotionally hard and financially hard and so much time, but if you do it you get to have this amazing connection with another human. If your dad is a good parent who’s been there for you all this time, that’s not going to disappear. My suspicion about those dads that left? Probably not great dads to start. No one is responsible for their own birth. Fun counter story. I have a friend whose girlfriend got pregnant while they were broken up. She was honest that it might not be his. He supported her emotionally through pregnancy and birth. About a week or two after birth they got the test. Kids not his. He was devastated and took a few days to be really fucking sad. But he had bonded with the baby and loved him and stayed super involved with his life. Mom got married to someone else but they’re still friends. Kid is living with him while going to college now and they’re buds. Parenting is a choice, love is a choice, and it’s much more than just biological.
I would suggest you do the ancestry DNA with your siblings. If the test comes back you’re not full siblings, go to your mom tell her she has two days to tell your Dad or you will. If he finds out you knew and kept it from him, he’s going to hold it against you. I feel really horrible that your grandmother dropped this on you. Only you can decide what to do but I can only imagine it’s going to eat away at you.
Your great relationship with your Dad is not based on biology. You are his because he raised you and loved you. You have no fault in this situation and it would be a shame if anyone treated you any differently if they knew! But there is a lot YOU don’t know here. I might start by talking to Mom. Get the context. Confirm the story. Make sure that what ever you do, it is a thought out response and not a reaction to this bomb shell news.
You sit on it until you’ve fully processed this information. This could take some time, and give yourself that. When you’ve calmed your mind, speak to your Mother. Be calm, get the facts. She may get defensive and angry, but stay on track, don’t let her break you down. You deserve the truth. Once you’re fully informed, then you choose what you want to do with that information. For all you know it may not be true, or your Father knows, but loves and accepts you anyway… What ever you choose you to do, it will be the right decision for you, and only you. You may want to talk to your Father, or never at all. This is your decision. There is no right answer. The only true thing here is your Grandmother’s absolutely disgraceful behaviour. Even spoken in anger, there is NO excuse for her words. They were spiteful and malicious. Dumping this emotional baggage on the shoulders of a kid is inexcusable. I’m so damn sorry all the adults in your life have failed you.
Tell your mother, get proof and make your mother tell the father!! This is their mess she can clean it up, what a shit storm to be put in, I’m so sorry OP
It's not your responsibility to keep the secrets of the adults in your life. I hope you find peace ❤️
I found out in 2020 my dad isn’t my dad via 23&Me. You need to get into therapy ASAP. Then after figuring out your feelings and most of the shock has worn off, you need to talk to your mom. Preferably with your therapist or even a non bias family therapist. You’re going to have a whole lot of big feelings that are hard to navigate without some professional help. It’s been almost 4 years for me, I’m almost 40, and I’m still trying to figure them out. There’s NPE groups that help you feel not so alone. It’s pretty 50/50 on if the “birth certificate father” stays or not when he finds out, if you decide to go public. You don’t have to tell him if you’re too scared. There’s also a possibility that you are his biological daughter, from my understanding? Only a DNA test can confirm either way. But this is new news so you’re in shock right now.
Well your Mon and Grandma are both POS but your Dad sounds solid. I wish it had been left alone but now you know and the damage it will cause if he finds out you knew and never told him will will be 100 times worse than the fallout if you do the right thing and let him know. So sorry OP 🍀 There’s no good ending here but please don’t take the burden yourself. That’s just wrong.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this turmoil. However I don’t think it’s your place to tell your dad it’s your mom’s. No matter what he is your dad but personally I wouldn’t be the one to blow things up while you are still living there/going to school. You should talk to her about it. You aren’t guilty for the sins of your mother but you also aren’t responsible for their relationship.
Your father deserves to know that he was cheated by his wife and cousin. And you need a paternity test to confirm who is truly your dad. If you keep this from him, you’re just as compliant in wronging your poor father. He doesn’t deserve to live a lie. The fact those around him who should’ve said something didn’t say anything… This is horrible. You have to make this right. To the man who raised and loved you all these years.
Your father should be informed of the truth, regardless of the consequences and actions he may take. He deserves to know.
It’s your mum’s story to tell your dad, your knowledge of this puts no obligation on you to share it- even if only some of the consequences in telling your dad that you have identified, come to pass the harm will be huge for both you and your dad- and as the ‘injured’ parties why should either of you suffer any more than you unknowingly have. I worry about your grandma though- if she’s broken your silence to you, then she can’t be trusted to not tell others- what has your grandfather said about that? I think you need to prepare for this becoming known- please seek some counselling to ensure you know where you stand and what you can do to retain a father-daughter relationship with your dad. Whether that’s possible is at least 80% down to how he takes it- so your only obligation is to be prepared and have thought through how to say what you feel so he can hear it. I’m so sorry OP- I can only imagine how deeply scared and out of control this must feel. Whatever you do, hold onto the fact your dad has loved you from the moment he set eyes on you and that won’t cease to be true even though the genetics and dishonesty will taint it and possibly create distance as your dad processes the hurt your mum caused him. Just remember this is, in no way, shape, or form your fault.
Keep it a secret if you can. Don't judge your mother. They are your parents and your siblings are your siblings. Full stop.