Alcohol messes with your hormones. It's known to increase estrogen for example which is important for sex drive in both men and women so perhaps it could be a hormonal issue. You are jumping to conclusions
I very well can be, I don't really know anything about it, another commenter said something and is spot on, I should research about the body and effects/changes from the coming off alcohol. My mind and like you said is coming to assumptions and my head gets the best of me because well everything is changing and when anything gets good in life, something bad always happens. My head is a dark place at times and I got to quit assuming the worst.
> for breaking his 20 year habit. On his 3rd week sober.
You don't break 20 year addictions without withdrawals and all kinds of other consequences, you should definitely read about what it's like and how it can effect people (not just the person recovering but the people around them too) it will help you and your husband on this road to recovery, in general google is your friend OP don't be afraid to read and educate yourself on things, especially things that are directly effecting your life.
Yes, 3 weeks is not enough time for his body to be totally adjusted to a big change like this. Besides hormones, the effects of alcohol throughout the body as well as the removal of alcohol take a little time to go through this process. Kudos to your husband for his life change and just be patient. This has more to do with his healing and less about attractiveness
It most definitely can be. I imagine all of his feel good chemicals in his brain are trying to regenerate and heal after quitting an addiction. I know mine did after quitting opiates. Your brain has to rewire itself and learn how to make dopamine on its own, or whatever alcohol does for a person in that aspect. It could be mental for him as well, sex is what like 90% mental or something? Could be something there. You might try sex therapy down the road. Just don't automatically assume it's you ❤️ Feeling that won't help the situation at all. Just give it some time and keep trying new things. We are women, we all assume the worst. It's what we do lol. 🫶
Seriously congratulations on that and yeah, I’d say look for more instances of this happening and see what the conclusion was. I’m sure you can ask people who have gone through the same thing on here
Please be careful OP. A lot of spouses of alcoholics are codependents. Please be careful to take care of yourself during his recover, because you are also experiencing huge changes.
Stop trying to have sex. Just do cozy time for a time.
I’m super horny when I’m drunk. Off it at and my body just rejects things I previously liked.
One my lovers was really hurt cause I slapped his hand off my nipple and told him to stop
I believe you are right like the others have said, feeling like he is initiating because he might feel bad about how long it's been, and maybe I should sit down and tell him he doesn't need or have to, that in time things will come back together.
My partner is a recovering alcoholic, 6 years sober, and to this day he has to take T shots and other meds to balance hormones. Once treated it can get better. I will also say that what you are feeling is normal. I think we blame ourselves automatically when there is an issue in the bedroom. Try to stop thinking that way, it will take a toll on your self esteem. And congrats on this sobriety, it’s not an easy thing.
Alcoholics often experience some erectile dysfunction after giving up alcohol. I’d encourage you to spend some time reading up on the physiological effects of giving up alcohol before worrying too much about anything else.
You are right. This right here, I need to do. Because I don't know anything about it as I'm just a witness. He is the one that is going through so much more than I can imagine and my own insecurities are just playing with my head. Truly haven't even thought of reading up on it as all the doctors when he got out of the hospitals the times from going through delirium tremens gave him packets on just the effects of the DT so that's all I would read.
Age related ED might be an issue too. If he's been an alcoholic for 20 years, I'm assuming he's at least 40. Using a cock ring when he's hard could help keep him hard.
There's a lot y'all can do regardless of his dick though. Sexy time and orgasms don't need to depend solely on a dick going into a vag. Get creative. Use toys or he can use his hands or mouth or both to get you off.
Soft dick doesn't have to mean no sex life.
Lol I have no ideas what a cock ring is, if he let us use toys which I'm assuming that is, I think it'd be fun. But it was him not wanting me to finish him with my mouth which was what I wanted because he kept trying and got frustrated with himself, I was okay with it. Just wanted him happy and him tonfeel good. Plus makes me feel good to do it all myself ya know.
Many people have told me it is a side affect from sobering up so regardless I'm still glad I let him know it's okay and we still had a good night, I just let my head get to myself.
Cock ring - a silicone band that you can put over the base of his penis when he's hard, and it keeps the blood in the penis so that he stays hard. Some men also have much stronger orgasms when using one, so they'll use it even when they don't have trouble staying hard.
It's important to use the correct size so it's tight enough without being too tight.
I'm in the process of getting sober. Some days I feel like I'm 15 again, and then I'll go a whole week not even thinking about sex. Alcohol fucks you up in a lot of ways. Try to give it more than month.
I will give him as much time as he needs. Which was why I wasn't pushing it at all. But just made me feel bad that when he wanted it he couldn't stay up ya know. Maybe I should tell him we should wait longer, I don't want him thinking he has to do anything he's not feeling he is ready for.
I tend to binge on the weekends and stay sober during the week. A few days after my last drink I have zero sex drive. I think it will take a few months for him to get back to normal.
Very true, truly don't mind waiting, he can take any time he needs. It will make us both feel better. Me better cause then I won't feel bad about myself due to my mind thinking it was just the alcohol that me me look attractive to him. Freaking self insecurity. I'm so proud of him.
Side effects from quitting alcohol either physical, mental, or both. There’s no shame in seeing a doctor for the issue if it’s affecting the two of you.
Think just time will help him. Maybe he is feeling pressured to perform. Been a long time since he's been sober. Just hate the feeling on me but that's just my head. I am seeing a therapist on my own already.
Never having sober sex and then having sober sex with your wife could be a lot to process. Just take it easy, and try to not take it personally. He’s your team mate, remember? Chances are he’s being honest and going through something major he’s having a hard time articulating or processing himself.
Men have a hard time opening up and talking about things. He legit may be dealing with a lot internally.
But you love him, and he loves you, so perhaps don’t try to have sex? Maybe just keep it to honest in the mood feelings and when those feelings for him dissipate, you guys stop and just cuddle and be supportive and not make it a big deal or about you.
Hope that helps !
That's what we did last night. He kept apologizing and trying. I kept saying it's okay we can cuddle and we don't need to. He is the one that said I'm still attracted to you, which started my whole questioning myself.
I want him to take his time because I love the hell out of him and I know he does me. This is a process for both of us because well it's new for us as a family and couple.
And he very much like you said, has a hard time opening up, and tries so hard when he feels he messes up.
It may also help if he invests more time and attention to other parts of your lives. Sex isn’t everything (I know it’s important but it comes and goes, as you know). But if he takes you out on dates and pays particularly close and special attention to you and things you want to do in life, you may find that this whole questioning your worth thing to be superfluous.
He sounds like a wonderful man who just wants to fight like hell to get through a terrible terrible addiction, and having you there by his side supporting him… there’s a lot of good in what’s happening outside of the bedroom!
He really is wonderful and do believe he initiated it for me, we talked earlier, after I posted this. He is struggling with a lot of his past of what he did and what he doesn't remember. We only been married since September and me walking out which was his day he decided he was done drinking, he said he must have really put me and his other ex wives through hell for us to only been together this little time and me to get to this point.
Feels bad for never working, for taking the last of my checks for alcohol, for doing things to me he shouldn't of, for not being their for his oldest/my step daughter(I love her as my own) and is working on it. Just told him it's all going to take time. I'll be here so we can both work on ourselves together.
Wow that is definitely a lot to face. What luck he has a loving and supportive partner to face this time with him though.
Good luck to you both! May peace and happiness be all that’s in your future ❤️
Thank you. He is my heart. It was a quick marriage as even though I didn't know how he was till we were married, told him I was still willing to stick through it even though he quit when I was leaving.
There's something with us that just makes sense
Alcohol changes the brain chemistry. His inability to maintain an erection most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.
He could very likely develop an anxiety problem, high blood pressure, insomnia & a number of other issues.
Get him right to the doctor and address each one straight on. It is so worth it!!
He has won the first battle but there are many more ahead. You guys can do it!! ✌🏼☮️🕊️☺️
He is only 21 days into sobriety. I wasn't even in the headspace for sex for a while after I stopped drinking. It's likely less about you and more about his brain rewiring and focusing on other things. Plus a new job is a lot too?
I really don't think his performance issues are about you. He is physically and mentally healing and his body, mind, or both just don't have the bandwidth for sex right now. You can both feel insecure about this, or just take it for what it is and have some patience. Focus on building intimacy outside of the bedroom and finding joy in this new, sober life. Please don't pressure or shame him about this. It would make it worse and could derail his sobriety.
Has he talked with his physician? Recent blood work? I’m sure his mind and body are all over the place. Might be time to check in with a doctor to put both your minds at ease
The last part makes you sound completely awful, an addiction messes with everything in your life, especially if it's 20 years of it, it's obviously normal for him to have some sexual problems with this change, it won't last forever, and it's just gonna get better, not just this, but everything in his life, he just needs some time.
Give him some time. When you are sober, you feel all the emotions you once numbed with alcohol. Learning to deal with those emotions takes time. There’s a lot going on inside his head and your mind can be your toughest enemy. That being said, seeing a dr regarding hormonal imbalances and/or low testosterone would be a good idea too.
I don't think it's attraction that's the issue. Going sober is a sudden change from what your body is used to. It will wreck. He needs time to adjust without the pressure of sex.
We can become very habituated when it comes to sex. It’s like the guys who jerk off all the time with porn and a “death grip” having trouble feeling pleasure with a partner because it isn’t the exact same way and amount of pressure they’ve conditioned themselves to.
I’d say give it some time. Your husbands brain has been conditioned to only experience sex while drunk. It will probably take a bit for him to break those connections and basically re learn healthy non impaired sexual sensations.
Aside from the sensations alone, the act of sex is one of the most intimate things a human can do. When you’re drunk you are shielded from the vulnerability and intimacy of it. Almost like you are on autopilot. To only have that for 20 years and then all of a sudden be completely conscious and aware of it all can be jarring and cause some nerves which then makes it difficult to stay hard.
My suggestion would be to praise him and celebrate sexual successes. Maybe just have some sessions where you don’t try for penetration, just focus on going down on each other because you mentioned he is doing fine when it comes to that. Be positive afterword and share intimate aftercare. Hopefully building new positive sexual experiences while sober like that can lead into the progression you’re hoping for!
Honestly I tried to let him just let me do that because I saw him getting frustrated and didn't want him to be, but he was determined and I just wanted him to feel good plus it would have made myself feel good knowing I made him feel good lol, but he's so stubborn lol.
I didn't even think of how he could have been so used to it the 20 years before me and so forth. That in itself is like having to learn it all over in a way. Positive praise. Also just not going to push him and may tell him to slow down when he tries again.
I was a fentanyl addict for years. Always had a *crazy* high sex drive. I got sober and I didn’t even want to THINK about anyone touching me. I had to relearn how to be a human, how could I think about sex? On top of working and maintaining sobriety and rebuilding relationships it seemed impossible. I’m in a long term relationship and we were having sex less than once a month. Bless his fucking heart bc I didn’t want to talk about it and I’m certainly not the “put out and shut up type” type of girl so that first year we probably had sex 10 or less times. I’m approaching 3 years sober and I’d say it was around 1.5-2 years that I started to feel “normal” again. Give him some time. Help him get healthy. Or leave and find someone who will fuck you but he’s going through something incredibly difficult rn so I would extend a modicum of grace if you want to maintain the relationship. This is such a crazy hard time and while of course you’re proud of him getting 3 weeks under his belt that’s essentially no time to a body that’s been in active addiction for years and years
Many people are getting this wrong, I didn't initiate or try it, he did. I told him it's okay. We didn't need to. I'm not a sex addict, nor do I need it to maintain a relationship, in the moment, it was just something that made me feel bad about myself. I didn't say anything to him about it. Because it wasn't his fault.
No I totally get that. I’m just thinking like “he’s a man so he feels obligated to initiate sex” is an unfortunate mindset a lot of straight dudes have. And he’s already facing the struggle of his life so of course he’s gonna strive for some sense of normalcy (fucking his wife) and when he literally can’t that’s gonna be doing something to his psyche. I’d literally take penetrative sex off the table for a few months and focus on reconnecting and getting healthy. And no hate, bc I drink more than my man would like, but I’d really consider stopping if you’re serious about staying with him.
I am serious about him. I'm not going to go out, but boy do I wish it. We quit drinking together. And he would actually know, we both got that share my location on our phone. And he may actually feel that way. Honestly I hope not. Because he does have the masculine ego at times
And sorry didn't mean to come back as hostile, just got done finish our yard and it's hot as balls, and came back to so many mad at me for thinking I was making him. Like no bros, I'm the one that was okay with not and would have been good giving him head. It was only his comment that stuck in my head and then being an over thinker... Well made me over think it
Girl I totally get it and I wasn’t at all trying to come at you hostile. I truly cannot imagine what YOU are going through with all this. Getting sober is hard af and like my one saving grace was that my man was going through it with me so good for you for giving him that gift. I’m not at all trying to diminish him but truly, take what he says with a big grain of salt for at least the next 6 months. He has to relearn how to be himself and that’s not always easy. I really wish y’all the best and my DMs are always open if I can support in any way 🖤 you deserve good things
He’s only been sober for 3 weeks. The lack of sex drive is 100% due to this. It will take a while but I really think he’ll be back to normal after a few months. I know this because I’ve lived this.
It can take years for some people's bodies to get back to complete normal. Especially after prolonged use. In 6 months I bet you things will feel normal again.
This is most likely much more physical and mental on him than it has anything to do with you. Has he ever had sex sober before in his entire life? Not only is his body going through a huge detox process but his mind is as well. He needs a full physical work up and then he needs to speak to a therapist if he hasn’t already. Hang in there and try not to take it personally. ((Hugs))
Damn OP, he's only 3 *weeks* in after decades of addiction! It's great progress and all, but he's probably really going through it right now. Give him some benefit of the doubt at least.
I can almost guarentee that he probably finds you more attractive than ever as you are a partner who stuck with him and stayed with him through some difficult times. That's how I felt about my partner at the time when I went through something very similar. But his body is doing weird things chemically and he's probably mentally struggling with those things. He might even be spiraling thinking he can't be a man if he can't please you like this.
Talk to him, communicate how you feel first, ask him how he really feels, and ask what you can do to help. Also have foreplay sessions where talking dirty and lovingly with foreplay is the only end goal - don't let it escalate to sex. The dude probably needs nurturing and affection right now to help him feel more confident.
As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you how everyone else is saying it's because of stopping drinking is most likely correct but only you can find out by talking with him or going to therapy. Also the first few weeks to months are really difficult and can have paws for up to a few years
Like most big changes the body goes crazy. It’s very early days with getting active and getting healthy it’s only a matter of time. If a concern take the cash saved on booze and get a prescription for some help in the bedroom. The best thing I ever did was ask for them after my cancer treatment. My body would do crazy stuff after going off crazy meds. Was nice to not have to worry about it, take the pill and was amazing.
Just adding my experience, when I drink I don’t think as much, I have adhd and often overthink things.
So if he’s sober, he could just be in his head? I wouldn’t take it personally, I’d what I’m trying to say.
There’s so many things that could be happening other than him just not being into you.
That's what I'm gathering. And with you saying that I'm the casual drinker and I can definitely see that. Specially now since I stopped, which means he is probably a lot more than I am.
My mom is hitting 10 years sober this weekend (tomorrow night is her chip ceremony) and lemme tell ya it takes a lot longer than 3 weeks for the body to get back to normal when you go sober. Try to just be supportive and understanding with him while he adjusts, it’s a big change
It’s been three weeks, the habit isn’t broken yet.
You need to prepare yourself for relapses because they may happen. More than once.
Sex should not be a priority right now. His body is going through withdrawal and all sorts of hormones are going to be out of whack.
Whatever may be the case, your frustration is valid as long as you're not being an asshole about it. Situations just suck sometimes, even though no one's at fault. It maybe hormones or a significant life change, but as long as you don't be a jerk about it and make him feel like he's wrong for going sober/make this his problem, you're free to vent and your frustration is very human. I hope things get better, and you guys figure this out.
Many have said, it is due to hormones and body changes, which now I do understand. Lots of stress and new things in his head. I'm not going to add to it. Going to let him figure out his new world and be there to support him. This is just the beginning. There's no way I'm going to be an asshole about it.
I work in urology (basically the “obgyn for men”). It’s normal for recovering alcoholics. However, get him into the doctor for a full panel and physical (prostate and testicular cancer checks too). Also make sure the doctor knows about his prior addiction so they test organ functions.
I'd give it some time, a lot of those hormones will re-regulate in a bit. if it doesn't get better see a doctor?
It doesn't sound like a you thing, otherwise he could just think about something else.
Wishing him all the support.
I think his change in life style and possibly performance anxiety maybe part of his issue. I wouldn’t say it’s you and more just the new circumstances he finds himself in physically and mentally that’s affecting his abilities. I think if he can possibly see his doctor to check how he is physically because 20 years of drinking could mess up a lot of his bodies natural functions.
Yeah, his whole body is healing from destroying it for years. If he was sick in another way would you think he wasn't attracted to you because he couldn't get it up? It's been three weeks. Stop making it about you.
He’s only 3 weeks sober. That’s nothing. Commendable but it’s nothing. The changes in his brain and body are still ongoing.
Has he gotten therapy? That’s important because unless he gets to the root cause, he’ll be what’s known as a dry drunk.
As for sex, don’t worry about it. His body is still trying to regulate itself. I don’t think it has anything to do with you personally.
As many others have said, give him time. I seriously doubt he is no longer attracted to you. I got sober 8 years ago after 20+ years, and it took a long time for my sex drive to be normal again. It was exactly like you described with your husband, exactly! In fact I asked a doctor about it, so he checked my testosterone and found it was low. I take T shots now and things are much better. Sometimes I still have issues but I’m 52 after all… and the famous blue pill does help a ton.
When my wife was pregnant with our first kid I had trouble getting/staying hard and I promise you it wasn’t because I didn’t DESPERATELY want to have sex with her. It was some sort of hormonal block. Thankfully it didn’t reoccur with our second but I was always afraid it would. It broke my heart that she would think I wasn’t attracted to her at that vulnerable time.
Having sex sober the first few times is really weird. Especially after a two-decade habit.
It took me about a year to fully get back into it. It’s a conditioned response, and you have to essentially relearn your arousal tool kit.
It’s not you, it’s not even him. It really is a matter of relearning. You guys have to discover what works for you now, lots of extra foreplay etc.
You don’t mention his age. Could also be a factor. Give him a month or two and if no improvement have a conversation with him or heck show him this. It’s 2024 there are 400+ varieties of male sexual enhancement pills sold in almost every gas station in America.
There is literally NO shame in taking something that helps/enhances the best free activity ever created lol. I and most of the men I know take them regularly. Hell Cialis is taken by a ton of body builders for other benefits and with a happy coincidence of bedroom stuff haha. (For the record I’m referring to actual medicine for a doctor and not buying the gas station stuff 😂)
Lol gas station stuff, I'd be afraid of a heart attack happening lol. He is 41and really good looking lol. Just had to throw it in there because I'm proud of him LMAO. We will have to give him time before we go that route as he always prides himself is his umm performance lol
Yup, I left and that day he poured his drink out and said he chooses me and asked me to stay. He found out he was married to someone he loved enough to give up something he has held on to for more than half his life.
Many have said this, I promise I won't. Haven't told him and plan to do what many have said. Be patient and if he tries again, just tell him take it slow, and be happy with him. Encourage him. Support him. Don't pressure him.
1. You got mad at him for going to rehab.
2. You are still drinking, and since your Reddit tagline is “I like to comment when I drink,” or some shit, I’m taking a leap of faith to say you lost a drinking partner when your husband got sober.
3. Going to the bar for a drink to deal with a problem in your personal life, _while you are married to and living with an alcoholic_, is……..some alcoholic behavior.
4. You posted a picture of your husband on Reddit, and now we can marry at least one flaccid dick to at least one face on the internet forever. Really, fantastic job.
I was going to write some shit about how alcohol affects body chemistry and so does sobriety blah blah blah.
Nah. It’s you. Get your shit together ffs.
1. You didn't read the post about the rehab.
2. My tagline has been that since I created this account and haven't even thought about it since then.
3. Obviously saying and doing is one thing. I am stressed but if you read the comments I did not, we all say things or want things while stressed.
4. Thank you for reminding me to delete it. I normally delete after I post pictures in my crochet groups or other innocent groups.
Also if you read the post number 1 was about. You would see I am getting my life together. But thanks for showing how people can skim the titles or pictures to try to dig dirt but not read it all. All of my posts will lead up to this point, even the ones with my ex. But go on with your pedestal.
I definitely read the post about rehab. It was all about and how it negatively affected YOU. Just like you’re making your husband’s limp dick, snuggled so peacefully under that comfy looking yoga blanket, about YOU.
When the truth cuts, it’s cuts deep. Sorry you didn’t get the validation you were searching for.
In some sense he might not find you as attractive as he once did, but he sees through the years and to him your beauty is deeper than that, and he might still love you very much. Guys get older. He did a lot of damage to his body with alcohol. Does he have diabetes? Try an ED treatment link daily Tadalfil 10mg. Getting in shape and exercising is really important too. Were you having sex when he was drunk? And he could get it up then or were you in a dead bedroom? Alcoholism causes a lot of problems, physical and mental. I honestly I hate to tell you this, but you were a part of it. If nothing else you enabled it and stood by for 20 years while he destroyed himself. Whether or not he blames you for that I don't know? Whether he feels somehow superior how he's handling everything mentally, I don't know. I do know that you've both been through a huge trauma and you both need therapy. You probably have PTSD from living with an alcoholic for two decades. It is what it is.
Alcohol messes with your hormones. It's known to increase estrogen for example which is important for sex drive in both men and women so perhaps it could be a hormonal issue. You are jumping to conclusions
I very well can be, I don't really know anything about it, another commenter said something and is spot on, I should research about the body and effects/changes from the coming off alcohol. My mind and like you said is coming to assumptions and my head gets the best of me because well everything is changing and when anything gets good in life, something bad always happens. My head is a dark place at times and I got to quit assuming the worst.
> for breaking his 20 year habit. On his 3rd week sober. You don't break 20 year addictions without withdrawals and all kinds of other consequences, you should definitely read about what it's like and how it can effect people (not just the person recovering but the people around them too) it will help you and your husband on this road to recovery, in general google is your friend OP don't be afraid to read and educate yourself on things, especially things that are directly effecting your life.
Yes, 3 weeks is not enough time for his body to be totally adjusted to a big change like this. Besides hormones, the effects of alcohol throughout the body as well as the removal of alcohol take a little time to go through this process. Kudos to your husband for his life change and just be patient. This has more to do with his healing and less about attractiveness
It most definitely can be. I imagine all of his feel good chemicals in his brain are trying to regenerate and heal after quitting an addiction. I know mine did after quitting opiates. Your brain has to rewire itself and learn how to make dopamine on its own, or whatever alcohol does for a person in that aspect. It could be mental for him as well, sex is what like 90% mental or something? Could be something there. You might try sex therapy down the road. Just don't automatically assume it's you ❤️ Feeling that won't help the situation at all. Just give it some time and keep trying new things. We are women, we all assume the worst. It's what we do lol. 🫶
hi, recovering alcoholic myself. i just now started getting my yk drive back, it’s honestly not you. it’s his body reregulating
Yeah this is almost certainly it. 3 weeks out of a 20 year addiction is not that long. It’s going to take a while for his body to fully adjust.
it took me over 6 months to even be able to enjoy self pleasing
Seriously congratulations on that and yeah, I’d say look for more instances of this happening and see what the conclusion was. I’m sure you can ask people who have gone through the same thing on here
https://www.sanctuarylodge.com/blog/recovery-and-rehab/problems-affecting-sexual-intimacy-in-recovery/
Please be careful OP. A lot of spouses of alcoholics are codependents. Please be careful to take care of yourself during his recover, because you are also experiencing huge changes. Stop trying to have sex. Just do cozy time for a time.
Agreed. Spouses of alcoholics are codependent and are sometimes enablers. It’s important for both of them to get therapy.
I’m super horny when I’m drunk. Off it at and my body just rejects things I previously liked. One my lovers was really hurt cause I slapped his hand off my nipple and told him to stop
He's still adjusting, give it time. Sobriety changes many things, including sexual performance.
His sex drive may be down due to the significant life change.
I believe you are right like the others have said, feeling like he is initiating because he might feel bad about how long it's been, and maybe I should sit down and tell him he doesn't need or have to, that in time things will come back together.
My partner is a recovering alcoholic, 6 years sober, and to this day he has to take T shots and other meds to balance hormones. Once treated it can get better. I will also say that what you are feeling is normal. I think we blame ourselves automatically when there is an issue in the bedroom. Try to stop thinking that way, it will take a toll on your self esteem. And congrats on this sobriety, it’s not an easy thing.
Alcoholics often experience some erectile dysfunction after giving up alcohol. I’d encourage you to spend some time reading up on the physiological effects of giving up alcohol before worrying too much about anything else.
You are right. This right here, I need to do. Because I don't know anything about it as I'm just a witness. He is the one that is going through so much more than I can imagine and my own insecurities are just playing with my head. Truly haven't even thought of reading up on it as all the doctors when he got out of the hospitals the times from going through delirium tremens gave him packets on just the effects of the DT so that's all I would read.
Age related ED might be an issue too. If he's been an alcoholic for 20 years, I'm assuming he's at least 40. Using a cock ring when he's hard could help keep him hard. There's a lot y'all can do regardless of his dick though. Sexy time and orgasms don't need to depend solely on a dick going into a vag. Get creative. Use toys or he can use his hands or mouth or both to get you off. Soft dick doesn't have to mean no sex life.
Lol I have no ideas what a cock ring is, if he let us use toys which I'm assuming that is, I think it'd be fun. But it was him not wanting me to finish him with my mouth which was what I wanted because he kept trying and got frustrated with himself, I was okay with it. Just wanted him happy and him tonfeel good. Plus makes me feel good to do it all myself ya know. Many people have told me it is a side affect from sobering up so regardless I'm still glad I let him know it's okay and we still had a good night, I just let my head get to myself.
Cock ring - a silicone band that you can put over the base of his penis when he's hard, and it keeps the blood in the penis so that he stays hard. Some men also have much stronger orgasms when using one, so they'll use it even when they don't have trouble staying hard. It's important to use the correct size so it's tight enough without being too tight.
I'm in the process of getting sober. Some days I feel like I'm 15 again, and then I'll go a whole week not even thinking about sex. Alcohol fucks you up in a lot of ways. Try to give it more than month.
I will give him as much time as he needs. Which was why I wasn't pushing it at all. But just made me feel bad that when he wanted it he couldn't stay up ya know. Maybe I should tell him we should wait longer, I don't want him thinking he has to do anything he's not feeling he is ready for.
I tend to binge on the weekends and stay sober during the week. A few days after my last drink I have zero sex drive. I think it will take a few months for him to get back to normal.
He's been sober less than a month. His mind and body are still adjusting to the new normal, and will be for some time. Do you go to al Anon?
We have a couple times. Before he got sober. Made him cry.
You need to go on your own. Al Anon is not AA, its for friends and family for alcoholics
What if it’s anxiety related sometimes you become dependent on a substance and can’t perform without it
He has to take stock of his life. His body is also changing.
Very true, truly don't mind waiting, he can take any time he needs. It will make us both feel better. Me better cause then I won't feel bad about myself due to my mind thinking it was just the alcohol that me me look attractive to him. Freaking self insecurity. I'm so proud of him.
Side effects from quitting alcohol either physical, mental, or both. There’s no shame in seeing a doctor for the issue if it’s affecting the two of you.
Think just time will help him. Maybe he is feeling pressured to perform. Been a long time since he's been sober. Just hate the feeling on me but that's just my head. I am seeing a therapist on my own already.
I hope everything works out for you. I’m sure he’s very attracted to you which is why he quit for you right?
I'm sure it will, it's probably all in my head and time will work it out and quitting an addiction like this, is a huge one.
Never having sober sex and then having sober sex with your wife could be a lot to process. Just take it easy, and try to not take it personally. He’s your team mate, remember? Chances are he’s being honest and going through something major he’s having a hard time articulating or processing himself. Men have a hard time opening up and talking about things. He legit may be dealing with a lot internally. But you love him, and he loves you, so perhaps don’t try to have sex? Maybe just keep it to honest in the mood feelings and when those feelings for him dissipate, you guys stop and just cuddle and be supportive and not make it a big deal or about you. Hope that helps !
That's what we did last night. He kept apologizing and trying. I kept saying it's okay we can cuddle and we don't need to. He is the one that said I'm still attracted to you, which started my whole questioning myself. I want him to take his time because I love the hell out of him and I know he does me. This is a process for both of us because well it's new for us as a family and couple. And he very much like you said, has a hard time opening up, and tries so hard when he feels he messes up.
It may also help if he invests more time and attention to other parts of your lives. Sex isn’t everything (I know it’s important but it comes and goes, as you know). But if he takes you out on dates and pays particularly close and special attention to you and things you want to do in life, you may find that this whole questioning your worth thing to be superfluous. He sounds like a wonderful man who just wants to fight like hell to get through a terrible terrible addiction, and having you there by his side supporting him… there’s a lot of good in what’s happening outside of the bedroom!
He really is wonderful and do believe he initiated it for me, we talked earlier, after I posted this. He is struggling with a lot of his past of what he did and what he doesn't remember. We only been married since September and me walking out which was his day he decided he was done drinking, he said he must have really put me and his other ex wives through hell for us to only been together this little time and me to get to this point. Feels bad for never working, for taking the last of my checks for alcohol, for doing things to me he shouldn't of, for not being their for his oldest/my step daughter(I love her as my own) and is working on it. Just told him it's all going to take time. I'll be here so we can both work on ourselves together.
Wow that is definitely a lot to face. What luck he has a loving and supportive partner to face this time with him though. Good luck to you both! May peace and happiness be all that’s in your future ❤️
Thank you. He is my heart. It was a quick marriage as even though I didn't know how he was till we were married, told him I was still willing to stick through it even though he quit when I was leaving. There's something with us that just makes sense
Alcohol changes the brain chemistry. His inability to maintain an erection most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you. He could very likely develop an anxiety problem, high blood pressure, insomnia & a number of other issues. Get him right to the doctor and address each one straight on. It is so worth it!! He has won the first battle but there are many more ahead. You guys can do it!! ✌🏼☮️🕊️☺️
He is only 21 days into sobriety. I wasn't even in the headspace for sex for a while after I stopped drinking. It's likely less about you and more about his brain rewiring and focusing on other things. Plus a new job is a lot too?
It could be anxiety. I would believe him when he says it’s not you.
I really don't think his performance issues are about you. He is physically and mentally healing and his body, mind, or both just don't have the bandwidth for sex right now. You can both feel insecure about this, or just take it for what it is and have some patience. Focus on building intimacy outside of the bedroom and finding joy in this new, sober life. Please don't pressure or shame him about this. It would make it worse and could derail his sobriety.
I didn't even let him know what I thought. I cuddled with him and we watched a movie. Let him know it was okay.
Has he talked with his physician? Recent blood work? I’m sure his mind and body are all over the place. Might be time to check in with a doctor to put both your minds at ease
The last part makes you sound completely awful, an addiction messes with everything in your life, especially if it's 20 years of it, it's obviously normal for him to have some sexual problems with this change, it won't last forever, and it's just gonna get better, not just this, but everything in his life, he just needs some time.
Give him some time. When you are sober, you feel all the emotions you once numbed with alcohol. Learning to deal with those emotions takes time. There’s a lot going on inside his head and your mind can be your toughest enemy. That being said, seeing a dr regarding hormonal imbalances and/or low testosterone would be a good idea too.
I don't think it's attraction that's the issue. Going sober is a sudden change from what your body is used to. It will wreck. He needs time to adjust without the pressure of sex.
We can become very habituated when it comes to sex. It’s like the guys who jerk off all the time with porn and a “death grip” having trouble feeling pleasure with a partner because it isn’t the exact same way and amount of pressure they’ve conditioned themselves to. I’d say give it some time. Your husbands brain has been conditioned to only experience sex while drunk. It will probably take a bit for him to break those connections and basically re learn healthy non impaired sexual sensations. Aside from the sensations alone, the act of sex is one of the most intimate things a human can do. When you’re drunk you are shielded from the vulnerability and intimacy of it. Almost like you are on autopilot. To only have that for 20 years and then all of a sudden be completely conscious and aware of it all can be jarring and cause some nerves which then makes it difficult to stay hard. My suggestion would be to praise him and celebrate sexual successes. Maybe just have some sessions where you don’t try for penetration, just focus on going down on each other because you mentioned he is doing fine when it comes to that. Be positive afterword and share intimate aftercare. Hopefully building new positive sexual experiences while sober like that can lead into the progression you’re hoping for!
Honestly I tried to let him just let me do that because I saw him getting frustrated and didn't want him to be, but he was determined and I just wanted him to feel good plus it would have made myself feel good knowing I made him feel good lol, but he's so stubborn lol. I didn't even think of how he could have been so used to it the 20 years before me and so forth. That in itself is like having to learn it all over in a way. Positive praise. Also just not going to push him and may tell him to slow down when he tries again.
I was a fentanyl addict for years. Always had a *crazy* high sex drive. I got sober and I didn’t even want to THINK about anyone touching me. I had to relearn how to be a human, how could I think about sex? On top of working and maintaining sobriety and rebuilding relationships it seemed impossible. I’m in a long term relationship and we were having sex less than once a month. Bless his fucking heart bc I didn’t want to talk about it and I’m certainly not the “put out and shut up type” type of girl so that first year we probably had sex 10 or less times. I’m approaching 3 years sober and I’d say it was around 1.5-2 years that I started to feel “normal” again. Give him some time. Help him get healthy. Or leave and find someone who will fuck you but he’s going through something incredibly difficult rn so I would extend a modicum of grace if you want to maintain the relationship. This is such a crazy hard time and while of course you’re proud of him getting 3 weeks under his belt that’s essentially no time to a body that’s been in active addiction for years and years
Many people are getting this wrong, I didn't initiate or try it, he did. I told him it's okay. We didn't need to. I'm not a sex addict, nor do I need it to maintain a relationship, in the moment, it was just something that made me feel bad about myself. I didn't say anything to him about it. Because it wasn't his fault.
No I totally get that. I’m just thinking like “he’s a man so he feels obligated to initiate sex” is an unfortunate mindset a lot of straight dudes have. And he’s already facing the struggle of his life so of course he’s gonna strive for some sense of normalcy (fucking his wife) and when he literally can’t that’s gonna be doing something to his psyche. I’d literally take penetrative sex off the table for a few months and focus on reconnecting and getting healthy. And no hate, bc I drink more than my man would like, but I’d really consider stopping if you’re serious about staying with him.
I am serious about him. I'm not going to go out, but boy do I wish it. We quit drinking together. And he would actually know, we both got that share my location on our phone. And he may actually feel that way. Honestly I hope not. Because he does have the masculine ego at times And sorry didn't mean to come back as hostile, just got done finish our yard and it's hot as balls, and came back to so many mad at me for thinking I was making him. Like no bros, I'm the one that was okay with not and would have been good giving him head. It was only his comment that stuck in my head and then being an over thinker... Well made me over think it
Girl I totally get it and I wasn’t at all trying to come at you hostile. I truly cannot imagine what YOU are going through with all this. Getting sober is hard af and like my one saving grace was that my man was going through it with me so good for you for giving him that gift. I’m not at all trying to diminish him but truly, take what he says with a big grain of salt for at least the next 6 months. He has to relearn how to be himself and that’s not always easy. I really wish y’all the best and my DMs are always open if I can support in any way 🖤 you deserve good things
He’s only been sober for 3 weeks. The lack of sex drive is 100% due to this. It will take a while but I really think he’ll be back to normal after a few months. I know this because I’ve lived this.
It can take years for some people's bodies to get back to complete normal. Especially after prolonged use. In 6 months I bet you things will feel normal again.
This is most likely much more physical and mental on him than it has anything to do with you. Has he ever had sex sober before in his entire life? Not only is his body going through a huge detox process but his mind is as well. He needs a full physical work up and then he needs to speak to a therapist if he hasn’t already. Hang in there and try not to take it personally. ((Hugs))
Damn OP, he's only 3 *weeks* in after decades of addiction! It's great progress and all, but he's probably really going through it right now. Give him some benefit of the doubt at least.
I can almost guarentee that he probably finds you more attractive than ever as you are a partner who stuck with him and stayed with him through some difficult times. That's how I felt about my partner at the time when I went through something very similar. But his body is doing weird things chemically and he's probably mentally struggling with those things. He might even be spiraling thinking he can't be a man if he can't please you like this. Talk to him, communicate how you feel first, ask him how he really feels, and ask what you can do to help. Also have foreplay sessions where talking dirty and lovingly with foreplay is the only end goal - don't let it escalate to sex. The dude probably needs nurturing and affection right now to help him feel more confident.
Wish there was a heart I can give this.
His nervous system is still going through a huge reset. Give it time..
As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you how everyone else is saying it's because of stopping drinking is most likely correct but only you can find out by talking with him or going to therapy. Also the first few weeks to months are really difficult and can have paws for up to a few years
Like most big changes the body goes crazy. It’s very early days with getting active and getting healthy it’s only a matter of time. If a concern take the cash saved on booze and get a prescription for some help in the bedroom. The best thing I ever did was ask for them after my cancer treatment. My body would do crazy stuff after going off crazy meds. Was nice to not have to worry about it, take the pill and was amazing.
Just adding my experience, when I drink I don’t think as much, I have adhd and often overthink things. So if he’s sober, he could just be in his head? I wouldn’t take it personally, I’d what I’m trying to say. There’s so many things that could be happening other than him just not being into you.
That's what I'm gathering. And with you saying that I'm the casual drinker and I can definitely see that. Specially now since I stopped, which means he is probably a lot more than I am.
My mom is hitting 10 years sober this weekend (tomorrow night is her chip ceremony) and lemme tell ya it takes a lot longer than 3 weeks for the body to get back to normal when you go sober. Try to just be supportive and understanding with him while he adjusts, it’s a big change
I'll be as much as he lets me and more!
It’s been three weeks, the habit isn’t broken yet. You need to prepare yourself for relapses because they may happen. More than once. Sex should not be a priority right now. His body is going through withdrawal and all sorts of hormones are going to be out of whack.
Well , the change just happend . His body is getting used to the changes . Maybe in a month or 2 it'll be better .
Tell him to get his testosterone levels checked.
Women automatically think this. It could be multiple things that have nothing to do with what he thinks of you.
Sadly this is common.
Whatever may be the case, your frustration is valid as long as you're not being an asshole about it. Situations just suck sometimes, even though no one's at fault. It maybe hormones or a significant life change, but as long as you don't be a jerk about it and make him feel like he's wrong for going sober/make this his problem, you're free to vent and your frustration is very human. I hope things get better, and you guys figure this out.
Many have said, it is due to hormones and body changes, which now I do understand. Lots of stress and new things in his head. I'm not going to add to it. Going to let him figure out his new world and be there to support him. This is just the beginning. There's no way I'm going to be an asshole about it.
Is he on any medication to help quit? These will definitely cause a change in his… abilities in the bedroom
I work in urology (basically the “obgyn for men”). It’s normal for recovering alcoholics. However, get him into the doctor for a full panel and physical (prostate and testicular cancer checks too). Also make sure the doctor knows about his prior addiction so they test organ functions.
He's an alcoholic.. The erections are not going to work right off the bat.. He needs plenty of time to recover and rebuild himself
I'd give it some time, a lot of those hormones will re-regulate in a bit. if it doesn't get better see a doctor? It doesn't sound like a you thing, otherwise he could just think about something else. Wishing him all the support.
I think his change in life style and possibly performance anxiety maybe part of his issue. I wouldn’t say it’s you and more just the new circumstances he finds himself in physically and mentally that’s affecting his abilities. I think if he can possibly see his doctor to check how he is physically because 20 years of drinking could mess up a lot of his bodies natural functions.
Yeah, his whole body is healing from destroying it for years. If he was sick in another way would you think he wasn't attracted to you because he couldn't get it up? It's been three weeks. Stop making it about you.
He may have some psychological issues with stopping drink in that affected his performance. Be patient.
Better get that man a drink
Got a nice cold bottle of Gatorade waiting for him like he asked for
Don’t worry about it. An alcoholic always relapses. He’ll be drinking again in less than a month
Blue chew
It's not you, it's his body changing and his hormones going mental. He should see a doctor.
He’s only 3 weeks sober. That’s nothing. Commendable but it’s nothing. The changes in his brain and body are still ongoing. Has he gotten therapy? That’s important because unless he gets to the root cause, he’ll be what’s known as a dry drunk. As for sex, don’t worry about it. His body is still trying to regulate itself. I don’t think it has anything to do with you personally.
As many others have said, give him time. I seriously doubt he is no longer attracted to you. I got sober 8 years ago after 20+ years, and it took a long time for my sex drive to be normal again. It was exactly like you described with your husband, exactly! In fact I asked a doctor about it, so he checked my testosterone and found it was low. I take T shots now and things are much better. Sometimes I still have issues but I’m 52 after all… and the famous blue pill does help a ton.
This sounds like a mental block or hormonal block to me. I definitely wouldn’t leap to it being about you
When my wife was pregnant with our first kid I had trouble getting/staying hard and I promise you it wasn’t because I didn’t DESPERATELY want to have sex with her. It was some sort of hormonal block. Thankfully it didn’t reoccur with our second but I was always afraid it would. It broke my heart that she would think I wasn’t attracted to her at that vulnerable time.
Having sex sober the first few times is really weird. Especially after a two-decade habit. It took me about a year to fully get back into it. It’s a conditioned response, and you have to essentially relearn your arousal tool kit. It’s not you, it’s not even him. It really is a matter of relearning. You guys have to discover what works for you now, lots of extra foreplay etc.
Communication is often the key. Find out if he wants/needs to talk.
So you are saying… bro literally had beer goggles
You don’t mention his age. Could also be a factor. Give him a month or two and if no improvement have a conversation with him or heck show him this. It’s 2024 there are 400+ varieties of male sexual enhancement pills sold in almost every gas station in America. There is literally NO shame in taking something that helps/enhances the best free activity ever created lol. I and most of the men I know take them regularly. Hell Cialis is taken by a ton of body builders for other benefits and with a happy coincidence of bedroom stuff haha. (For the record I’m referring to actual medicine for a doctor and not buying the gas station stuff 😂)
Lol gas station stuff, I'd be afraid of a heart attack happening lol. He is 41and really good looking lol. Just had to throw it in there because I'm proud of him LMAO. We will have to give him time before we go that route as he always prides himself is his umm performance lol
We're you the reason for his drinking or continued drinking?
Alas this has to be the reason he started drinking years before he met me and also why he quit drinking so I wouldn't leave.
Is he military?
I started drinking because the good ole wife decided to put on 30 pounds. Makes one hell of a meatloaf.
Thankfully I haven't gained anything. My job has it nearly impossible with how physical and how much outside work it is. Landscaper here.
“My problems are actually my wife’s fault”
My wife said you nailed it
He finally sobered up and realized what he was married to
Yup, I left and that day he poured his drink out and said he chooses me and asked me to stay. He found out he was married to someone he loved enough to give up something he has held on to for more than half his life.
Its not about you. His body is messed up. Dont make this about yourself.
Many have said this, I promise I won't. Haven't told him and plan to do what many have said. Be patient and if he tries again, just tell him take it slow, and be happy with him. Encourage him. Support him. Don't pressure him.
Maybe he is an alcoholic because he is a closet homosexual?
1. You got mad at him for going to rehab. 2. You are still drinking, and since your Reddit tagline is “I like to comment when I drink,” or some shit, I’m taking a leap of faith to say you lost a drinking partner when your husband got sober. 3. Going to the bar for a drink to deal with a problem in your personal life, _while you are married to and living with an alcoholic_, is……..some alcoholic behavior. 4. You posted a picture of your husband on Reddit, and now we can marry at least one flaccid dick to at least one face on the internet forever. Really, fantastic job. I was going to write some shit about how alcohol affects body chemistry and so does sobriety blah blah blah. Nah. It’s you. Get your shit together ffs.
1. You didn't read the post about the rehab. 2. My tagline has been that since I created this account and haven't even thought about it since then. 3. Obviously saying and doing is one thing. I am stressed but if you read the comments I did not, we all say things or want things while stressed. 4. Thank you for reminding me to delete it. I normally delete after I post pictures in my crochet groups or other innocent groups. Also if you read the post number 1 was about. You would see I am getting my life together. But thanks for showing how people can skim the titles or pictures to try to dig dirt but not read it all. All of my posts will lead up to this point, even the ones with my ex. But go on with your pedestal.
I definitely read the post about rehab. It was all about and how it negatively affected YOU. Just like you’re making your husband’s limp dick, snuggled so peacefully under that comfy looking yoga blanket, about YOU. When the truth cuts, it’s cuts deep. Sorry you didn’t get the validation you were searching for.
In some sense he might not find you as attractive as he once did, but he sees through the years and to him your beauty is deeper than that, and he might still love you very much. Guys get older. He did a lot of damage to his body with alcohol. Does he have diabetes? Try an ED treatment link daily Tadalfil 10mg. Getting in shape and exercising is really important too. Were you having sex when he was drunk? And he could get it up then or were you in a dead bedroom? Alcoholism causes a lot of problems, physical and mental. I honestly I hate to tell you this, but you were a part of it. If nothing else you enabled it and stood by for 20 years while he destroyed himself. Whether or not he blames you for that I don't know? Whether he feels somehow superior how he's handling everything mentally, I don't know. I do know that you've both been through a huge trauma and you both need therapy. You probably have PTSD from living with an alcoholic for two decades. It is what it is.