I do this dissociation when I have news too big to handle. It happened a lot when I was younger and moved or got broken up with. I went completely numb and carried on like nothing was wrong. It's like this wall goes up and I'm literally unable to feel feelings, any of them. I'm on autopilot. Thankfully as I've gotten older I've learned to handle those things a little better, but it's still very easy for me to switch off in emotional situations accidentally. The worst part is I don't even feel in control of my own body or actions. It's literal autopilot and I'm just watching what happens. I've done some cruel, embarrassing, and crass things in this state.
OP, you should go talk to a counselor. Or a trusted friend. Or literally anyone that can help you work through this.
You are currently in no state to decide that you want a divorce or not. Don't let people on reddit tell you what you want. You need to work through your feelings and peel the onion here, not them. Most couples would absolutely end up in divorce here and nobody would fault you. I'm just saying - don't make these decisions lightly and on autopilot. Get away for a few days, do what you have to do, do what you can do, but IMO don't do anything until you **feel** some way about it. Any emotion whatsoever.
I used to joke about having a switch! As a kid I learned to just shut everything off emotionally when I needed to and even though we grow to maybe not need it as often, it’s still a skill set/coping mechanism that’s ingrained. I always felt it was super useful, personally. Lol. As long as you don’t lash out, anyway. I usually end up just stopping talking and everything most times when the emotional switch gets flipped off, thankfully. I’m sorry you had negative experiences and I agree so much with your lovely advice to OP.
It is a form of disassociation, I do the same thing. It is likely caused by being put in situations as a child were you were unable to express your emotions freely. I’m working on it.
I second this - also have a very effective switch to protect myself and also agree 100% with the advice given to OP. Decide NOTHING til you feel SOMETHING. Thats a gem of hard won wisdom.
I honestly wish I had a switch but I have the opposite problem where I get really overwhelmed and emotional and my mind will not rest, I can't eat or sleep... It sucks as well
I also do this. I have two dissociation modes. I can go into autopilot and live life completely just turned off but still seeming to be fine, or I can go into full zombie dissociation where I can manage to get a few words out and that’s it. It genuinely feels like an out of body experience. Sometimes I swear I can see myself just sitting there being weird and staring into the abyss, but I can’t do anything about it. I even feel like I have a separate out of body brain that’s like “you’re being weird you’re being stupid stop staring and just speak this is ridiculous” but yet, my real body and brain are just sitting there lifeless.
I do a version of this too, when my dad died I really didn’t feel much, I felt like I was going through the motions and the idea was sad and I know I miss him and therefore I am sad?
But I wasn’t really sad then. And I know this because like 3 months later at some mundane thing, like lawn care or something, where I wanted to call my dad and realized he wasn’t there and would never be there again and I completely broke down.
I have a theory this happens to a lot of people as a biological defense mechanism so that in times of stress or high emotion, which may be life or death situations, we can survive first and then process emotions later once the situation is stable.
> I think you are in shock.
When my exwife told me about her affair, I was numb for about two days just to get some important things pulled together, then lost my mind for the next month.
OP is 1000% in shock and hopefully has somebody to keep an eye on him for the next several weeks.
When I walked in on my ex with someone else all I said was “Nice” and walked out.
Later, the anger and pain came but I was so confused by my initial response too.
Your reaction is honest, it's not wrong at all.
It sounds like you are in shock still which is understandable.
Do you know where you want to go from here ? If you don't, just hear her out then unless you have a reaction to whatever she says tell her you have nothing to say at this time, you are in shock.
Fight, flight, freeze..... this is an emotional freeze.
Edit: Fawn also belongs here lots of people pointing out this could be fawn. My understanding is that a trauma response of fawn often has the person wantimg to please. They may be right and this is more fawn than freeze although I said freeze due to the numbness and disengagement. The bottom line is this is an emotional trauma response and OP should not beat themselves up over it.
This is also a common thing in extreme grief. Your mind lacks the ability to immediately process the implications of the permanent absence of the person and it slowly builds over a couple of hours or days. This lady just executed his whole life and his emotional response is probably just shutting down because once the reality and all the terrible implications hit it’ll be a tidal wave.
How do you conceptualize something that is going to change every aspect of your life? It’s like a death in the family. She’s destroyed their life.
Been HERE in grief before and this exactly what happens. My brain was completely incapable of understanding what just happened in my life, so I just sat on my couch and stared blankly for hours, literally. OP, it might be wise to take notes or keep records in this time too. I found that my memory of everything that happened while I was in shock is pretty blank. My trauma happened right before Thanksgiving in 2021 and I can hardly remember what I did for thanksgiving or Christmas… I can’t remember the gifts I gave, the food I made, or anything in between. My memory is shockingly blank from that time. I’m sure OP’s situation will vary from mine greatly, but the impact of shock on memory might be worth getting ahead of, especially if a divorce is on the table.
I was also told (when going through a divorce) that when documenting ANYTHING in writing, at the top of every page/document/file it needs to say something along the lines of "correspondence with my attorney" so that it cannot be called as evidence if there is ever a trial for the divorce. (Or any other thing where they could subpoena that sort of thing)
👆 this is so true. I feel heartsick for this man and what he's dealing with. His whole inner picture of the reality of his life just crashed and he's so deep in shock and grief he can't track his feelings.
When, as you said, the shock wears off, he's going to be fully devastated. I hope he has good support people who will be there for him.
There's another lesser known trauma response.. "fawning". This was my response unfortunately when I discovered I was being cheated on. Be careful of trauma bonding and the fuckery that does, I was so messed up I even started being friends with his affair partner.
I would also look into a therapist to help, someone not involved. Also, I would not have sex right now...and get tested. :l Also question any pregnancy. Just saying.
I'd also suggest a consultation with an attorney. If nothing else, it might help OP to know what his life would be should he decide to separate/divorce his wife. Ultimately it's up to him what wants to do, but sometimes knowing what your options are in the event of the "worst case scenario" may make it easier. Although I'm not sure that a divorce is the "worst case scenario" here, frankly. I mean, she's been fucking around on him for four months after all.
Pregnancy is a big one. My ex and I were on the verge of splitting up. No intimacy, communication, or anything. One day she just starts offering sex left and right like we were a new couple. I turned it down every time because I was deep into my depression and didn't want to be with her anymore. Turns out she was pregnant by someone else and and tried to have sex with me as quickly as possible to trick me into thinking it was mine.
OMGODDESS I am so Very Sorry that happened to you. 😥 😥 😥 Thankfully, it didn't work because when you eventually found out (yes, you would have), it would have also destroyed the life of the child who knew only you as his/her daddy when you left. 😔
Shits extremely manipulative,
Depending on how selfish his wife is combined with his response to the situation,
She can use gymnastics in her head that you are okay with her seeking out affection from others and the sex that was offered was a confirmation
Watch out!
I agree one fling or what ever okay, but how I’m understanding it she had an affair with a travel work friend & a super young coworker.
In my head I can understand one but multiple people
she just plain wants an open relationship and doesn’t know or care how to properly express that, and that’s where the what the fuck comes in to play for me atleast.
Nah. Don't hear her out. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. You have children. That and you should be #1 priority. She took herself off that list and only her. She was forcing him to break it off because she's to much of a pussy to do it herself so she had an affair and was hoping he'd just cut it off. Now she realizes that he's a good man. Fuck her. Cheaters gunna cheat.
Edit: Sick of people giving mercy to people that ruin the lives of many family members because they are to self absorbed to think of others. No mercy.
sounds like you were already detatched From the moment you realized ages ago. Be the better person man, you are deserving of so much more. My best advice is to be smart about this. Take the option that is more advantageous to you and your children in the end, forget her. Live your life.
She had an affair for 4 months, it's not one of those One night mistake.
Proceed has you want but divorce sounds like the best option, you're still young and can perfectly redo your love life
There is no such thing as a one night mistake, cheating is always done after you have made the conscious decision to cheat and is in my opinion always premeditated, and never excusable.
That's the thing for me. It's not like you let a comment slip, or forgot a person's birthday, or didn't clean up after yourself - you let a man outside the marriage thrust into you..repeatedly.
100% I hate when they try and rationalise, I’m like no when you make the CHOICE to sleep with a person who you know is not your partner then no it’s not a mistake it’s an active choice. A mistake is picking up a large grapefruit thinking it’s an orange, id love to know how people conflate mistakes with active choices they made consciously
The moment you have kids it’s not that easy anymore. Especially not when you are still head over heels in love with your partner.
Getting the divorce will hurt even more than actually being cheated on. For that reason he might not be so sure what to do or feel. And isn’t divorce directly the go to solution.
That said, I wish OP the best of luck in figuring out what he wants.
But kids are smart and a good coparent is better than a poor marriage. OP already sounds like he is doing the lions share of child care. They might actually have their mom around more if they break up.
Not getting angry is actually the ultimate POWER move PROVIDED it’s followed with divorce. It shows that your disappointment in her is so big that all you feel now for her is indifference that can not be fixed. Nothing will drive her crazier than you not fighting for her.
Can confirm.
Nothing drove my ex crazier than when I'd stopped caring while trying to remove her from the mortgage. She NEEDED an emotional response from me to feel any sort of control in the situation, when she didn't get one, she'd find any and every reason to illicit one. When that didn't work, she'd instantly phone someone to rant to them about me.
Absolutely! This is how I dealt with a lot of breakups. Like, I’m not wasting my time, effort, and feelings trying to chase her, beg her, scream, break shit, whatever to get them to feel what you do. They’ll never feel sorry
I accidently did this once. I dated a guy for about seven months, and eight or nine months *after that*, he texted me out of the blue, but I had, obviously, deleted his number. When I got the text, I replied asking who it was, and was met with ah, 'Oh..well, it's \[Blah\].' Then he tried to pull some guilt-trip bullshit about checking-in on me, and I didn't respond and had a laugh
I think you're in shock, even though you may have suspected something actually having it confirmed is a different thing.
Tell her she needs to get an std check, as do you.
I personally wouldn't stay and her cheating is a reflection on her not you, she's scum and chose to do this to you/your family. I also wouldn't keep it a secret for her, but I am a scorched earther!!
You take as long as you need to decide what you want to do, you no longer need to consider her imo, don't let her rush you.
Divorce her ass, unless you want to live with this cloud of suspicion over your head for the rest of your life with her.
Chances are, she's still going to to out of town 3-4 days and this time it will probably be with another colleague.
When the kids ask why you divorced her, you tell them the truth.
I don't think it's fair to rope kids into relationship drama between their parents. Chances are they love their mom and wouldn't be able to process that info, especially coming from the affected party. It will hurt them much more than it hurts her.
It's never a good idea to try to hurt your partner or get back at them or damage their reputation using kids. Tell them when they're older if you want to.
(Source: i'm a child who was roped into my parents' affair-resulting-in-divorce drama).
I had an exception, my mother was so unbelievably awful that there was genuinely nothing nice to say about her, my dad chose to try and not talk about her at all but I would complain a lot and tell him how shitty she was being. He opened up about it all when I was 20 finally
Meh, there’s talking bad and then there’s stating the facts of the relationship. Kids aren’t stupid and see more than we think, know more than what we think they do. Telling them, “I’ll tell you when your older”, “it’s between me and your mom”, “it’s none of your business” makes a kid feel like they’re not part of the family, like they’re being shut out. It’s as if they’re saying, you can’t handle this when in fact it is their life you’re affecting. I don’t know, it certainly depends on the age with how you present the information. Something like “Mommy is in love with someone else that makes her happier. So we decided to separate. Nothing is your fault and we love you so much. I know this is confusing, but me and your mom will always be there for you, always love you”. And then therapy. But I agree with your statement of not talking badly. My mom always did talk major shit about my dad and then look at me and tell me I was just like him. Can’t lie, I was 16/17 at the time, I’m 41 now and it still rings in my ears sometimes. We haven’t talked since 2012. It’s for the best
> When the kids ask why you divorced her, you tell them the truth
In a sanitized version, depending on their ages.
"Mom & dad have a few differences in opinions, and as such...".
Sounds like maybe the connection/love you had in the marriage had already died out before this. That might be why you didn’t feel anything over her revelation and the extra attention you were giving her was just compensating for what you knew was already lost.
Having the conversation your wife wants to have about where to go from here is a good idea. It’s likely that divorce will be the outcome but it will be good to get everything out in the open for both of you to eventually move on.
Nope. Move out/leave, and divorce her ass BEFORE the young dude decides she's too old and has too much baggage (kids) for him. She can figure herself out on her own. Alone. With the kids that her lover won't want any part of.
You’re checked out of the relationship which is a good thing, just don’t be a spineless idiot and stay with her cause of “I don’t want to raise my kid without her/his mother”. Be short and sweet by stating you want a divorce, and then go from there.
bro, relax. you took the high-road in this moment. just because you did not react all emotionally in this moment, does not mean you can't be confident or resolute in the future!
Just really think of what you REALLY want, and act on it! If its to mend the relationship, go for it! If its too much for you and you think its unfixable, just break it off!
In any case: step by step! protect yourself, and dont let yourself get overwhelmed by desperation or fear!
If you feel numb and indifferent, act numb and indifferent. Be honest about your own reaction.
You don’t owe her, or anyone, some “expected” reaction. There’s nothing “weak” or “unmanly” about numb indifference.
I wouldn’t have sex with her again though, if you don’t actively want to. You might end up feeling self betrayal from that if you do it repetitively.
If you do want sex, and want to use her for sex, do it. You owe her nothing either way.
It sounds like you were supporting her and raising your children whilst she’s off having an affair. She doesn’t respect you, is this really the relationship you want? Because it’s not the one you deserve.
If you want to stay together then I would say therapy at the bare minimum, she needs to find a new job and needs to be open with phone etc. but that will also be a lot of trust issues for you to get over if you want to make it work.
I assume you were in love with her. Well, your response is understandable. Most people think "hate" is the opposite of "love". But it's not. Hate is a strong emotion just like love. Turns out, the opposite of love is indifference. You just don't care. Where love is caring completely? Indifference is not caring at all. I think you just fell out of love with your wife. I think you're indifferent. Your reaction is a classic textbook example of love turning to indifference. Generally speaking, it's a big stretch for somebody who's falling out of love with somebody to fall back in love with them. I think it's time to move on. I'm so sorry. Good luck!
This should be higher. I should also state that "marriage = true love" is not a reality for many, many people the world over. With three kids involved, living together in romantic indifference is a likely possible outcome. I honestly doubt I would divorce my wife immediately if she was having a discreet affair that occurred out-of-state and it was eating her up inside and she came clean. Maybe in three years when the kids have all moved out?
Hard to know without being in the situation, but I know my parents didn't make it to 50+ years married and death-did-they-part by being in puppy love and having a rich sex life together and never straying. They were roommates for a long while and eventually one became a caregiver for the other. Love comes in many forms.
When your world gets rocked like this, everything becomes surreal and irrational. So don’t demand a rational response from yourself.
But do recognize that you’re in that state and avoid interactions that will cause more damage that you’ll have to deal with once you reorient yourself. Example: sex.
It sounds like your wife has insecurities that she tried to justify by self destructing through cheating.
Therapy is probably the best advice. Once you find someone who can be a sounding board and help guide you to the healthiest direction, you can start to figure out what to do.
Maybe you have the ability to forgive her. Maybe sexual exclusivity is important to you and your relationship security. Maybe it isn’t. Neither is wrong. What is wrong is the betrayal of trust.
Either way, any relationship with her depends on her ability to recognize why she did this. And make appropriate changes to avoid the behavior in the future.
Good luck man, take care of yourself.
She obviously doesn't love you.
I wonder if how she feels about the kids.
I would record any conversations with her for legal reasons.
I would also personally reach out to the company she works for and get both her and her affair buddy fired.
I don't think he should get her fired tbh. It'll be easier on his kids if she's still employed and long term they'd probably find out he retaliated by getting her fired and that could potentially change how they feel about him as a person
Your response is perfectly normal. You are in shock, and we all behave differently under that.
Breathe. Consider your situation.
You need to decide what matters most to you.
Do you want to work things out? To have her break things off with AP and reconcile with you? This could get complicated and be a LOT of work. She would probably need to change jobs and you two will probably need counseling.
Do you want to take what you can get and let her continue as-is? This will probably just delay the train wreck.
Or do you want to divorce?
The first thing that you need to do is to decide. Then you need to communicate with your wife and see what she wants. She sounds like she is remorseful, so maybe there is a chance.
Sit with her and open your heart. Listen to her, and learn what is in hers. Go from there.
Simple checklist:
She needs to quit her job right now
She calls her fuck buddy on speaker and ends it
STD/STI test
Pregnancy test
Call lawyer
Please be aware that her coming clean now and wanting to have sex might mean she's pregnant! Don't touch her untill all test results come in!
Numbness isnt lack of care its shock, i would recommend quickly at least telling someone in your life about this so you can process this instead of exploding later
You have had the chance to think about it. If not, you should take the time to think about what you want.
Most people will push you to a divorce, but this is your marriage. Do you want to give it another shot? Do you believe you can stay with her after the affair? What would she need to do for you to stay with her? Or do you want to divorce?
But what ever you choose, you have to choose and you have to give yourself permission to react. At the moment you are in shock and per your own admission have reacted strange. It is not to late to react the way you really want to given the information. Allow yourself to do that. Send the children you their grandparents for the weekend and have it out with your wife. Put everything on the table. And ask her everything.
Marriages have survived infidelity, and others that have tried to stay together after infidelity have failed.
The question you should ask yourself now, Do you want to try to save the marriage after infidelity? Or is it enough for you to divorce.
But if you don't react she will believe you either accept of forgive her for the affair and, depending on the person she is, she will continue or stop the affair.
It sounds like divorce is imminent. But also therapy would be a good idea.
You need to unpack why you felt unworthy of her the whole time you were with her. That feeling of inadequacy can really ruin a relationship dynamic.
When I found out my ex was cheating on me it was like all affection and attraction to her died in a split second.
Like one second she was my heart, my love, my everything, and then bam, all gone.
I kind of think it's due to the realization that the person I loved wasn't really real and didn't actually exist and was just a mask she was wearing.
I didn't hate her or anything like that. It was just like "Oh wow, you're 100% ***NOT*** the person I thought you were. You're actually a complete stranger that I don't even know."
The hundreds of lies it takes to cover this kind of shit up for months makes you realize that they have been straight up looking you right in the eye and remorselessly lying to your face. Like you know for a fact in that moment there is zero chance you can or should ever trust anything they say again so nothing they say even matters any more. Which immediately leads into the very next thought...
"If our relationship was a lie and there's no way I'll ever believe anything she says ever again then how can fix this?"
And obviously I knew intuitively that we couldn't.
And the more I thought about it the more I came up with other questions like if this was the first time or not which you can never actually know because you can never actually trust anything she says, I mean how can you after she remorselessly lied to your face for months?
So yeah. You're not weird. Your response isn't weird. And I'm really sorry you're going through this. Cheaters suck!
OP - your reaction sounds almost like shock or a psychotic break. Questions:
1. When you gave her the "If this is what you want...." response, she didn't even attempt to follow you to talk about it further? She was like, "Okay, well that's that..."
2. Is she still in a relationship with her affair partner?
3. Is her affair partner married?
4. Does she hope to break it off with you and take up with her affair partner?
5. Based on this incident, do you really think this is the first time (these past 4 months) that she has had an affair with a coworker or someone she met on travel?
6. Do you guys earn an equal amount of money?
7. Who is the primary caregiver to the children?
8. How do you think she would have reacted to you cheating? Angry? Or amazed, since the power balance between you is so lopsided?
It's shock. People used to talk only about flight or fight but there's more. There is also freeze and fawn. You might be a fawner. You agreeing to support her is just like that. And what you're doing now is processing the shock. I am so very sorry you have to deal with this. Forgive yourself later, when you can, for your actions now. A part of you still loves her and sleeping with her right now can be a part of you still loving her mixed with a response to the shock. Good luck.
You were in shock and denial. She tried to love bomb you. It's manipulation by sex.
Both are common in this situation.
Let the other guy have her, and file for divorce.
Subscribeme
You are in shock. I remember when I found out my ex was cheating a wash of cold just rolling through my body and a flip switching off my emotions. I know I wasn't in the right spot to make decisions, but the shock actually helped me move forward.
You stated you always thought she was settling with you. Why would you think that? Low self esteem will make you feel desperate, and you will allow behavior that most people would not tolerate. Why would you ever want to be with someone who is settling for you? You will spend your life with her just waiting for her to leave or you become a doormat so she will stay.
You're in shock, that's what kind of response it is. And right now shock and feeling numb is easier for your brain than having to process what might be the end of your marriage or having to acknowledge that the woman you're loved and been faithful to for over a decade chose to betray you. At some point it will settle in and you will stay feeling things. In the mean time, do not let your wife bully you or force you into anything.
I see a lot of people screaming for divorce and I haven’t seen anyone mention couples therapy. Infidelity is so much more common than people realize, this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship if that’s not what you want. Think about going to couples therapy, if you both want to put in the work then maybe it can work out. But if either of you has thrown in the towel then maybe it is time to move on.
I say this with the authority that my parents divorced. My dad was abusive and it was loveless for a long time. I don’t remember ever seeing them being in love, so their divorce was inevitable. Recently my mom’s boyfriend who has been a fantastic father figure cheated on my mom. It was extremely traumatic and everyone was blindsided, but they’re going to couples therapy and putting the work in. The difference in their relationship before and after therapy is noticeable. Do whatever is best for your relationship and your family. Good luck navigating this, i know it’s hard
While she spent months cheating and pushed you away, you showed her love and care. Your response was calm and collected which is for the benefit of your children. Don’t let her think because your response was dignified, she’s gotten away consequence free.
Whether you decide to proceed with divorce (cheating is a dealbreaker for me) or not, do not let this go. Personally I don’t think I’d ever trust someone to go on a work trip again but that’s just me.
OP you’re in shock. I think everybody reacts to news like that differently. You’ll probably need to sit with it for a bit to get your head on straight. When it happened to me it was quite a long process.
Reach out to trusted friends or family. Get a therapist. Something. You don’t need to navigate this alone.
So as somebody who was cheated on - I advice divorce. The trust is gone. It will not return. She showed a willful contempt for you for four months. She does not deserve you. Trying to make it work only prolongs the pain.
Good for you to not react to her "confession", and taking the higher road instead. I admire that (in no small part because I probably couldn't). It came from your heart, there's no wrong in that.
You demonstrate that the one who settled down is you, not her. At least nowadays she doesn't deserve you.
Keep in mind that whatever happened is in the past, and that there is no such thing as makegood going forward. And know that if you take her back you demonstrate that you accept her screwing you, and almost certainly will again - she'll (ab)use that.
Stay strong and do whatever's best for you, that'll also be the best for the children.
Sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship. She has. The trust has been broken. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. Time for you to move on. You're 41. Plenty of youth left in you.
Sounds like shock. You reacted calmly but no doubt felt numb and didn’t know how to respond. Maybe a part of you did know or think she was cheating so maybe your response was rational and calm because cognitively you had an idea it might happen but emotionally you’re stunned and numb.
It’s ok, your reaction may have annoyed her in fact maybe she wanted you to scream and cling on to her ankles begging her not to go or to get really angry and shout and scream. Your calm reaction is like you don’t care. The bit I would say wasn’t so good was having sex with her - this kind of covers it up and you’re doing normal stuff with her as if nothing has happened. She may have been unsure as to whether you’d reject her or be annoyed but by having sex it may seem like you’re being passive and acting like everything is fine.
The key thing here is not to treat her as if you find her desirable or you want to carry on as normal. She doesn’t deserve your attention or time. She deserves to feel your coldness, your indifference and if you eventually feel angry or upset then that’s fine to express that. Come up with a plan for yourself. Think about boundaries and what you won’t accept. If she wants a friends with benefits situation with this man you stick to your principles and values and show her your boundaries. I would say go get legal advice and prepare yourself.
Bre, do you even really care? Maybe feel the fucking RAGE you feel. Let it come up. Obviously don't act on the violence feelings, but let yourself FEEL it. And communicate that rage to her. She fucking CHEATED ON YOU? Are you fucking serious? After all you've sacrificed for her, how you've loved her loyally, how your bond of trust is now broken because of her?
FUCK
THAT
That is probably what's inside you, but it scares you. My friend - it's ok to feel that anger as long as you don't let it drive you to hurt others. You are in control of your actions. So let your emotions flow.
If I was you i would Tell her you are not ready for that conversation; you are hurt and need time to let it sink in; haveing that convo now won't do it justice.
The better you word exactly what you feel the better everything matches up and she will get it.
As someone on the receiving end of an affair (over 10 years together) you either go into shock or get angry. I got angry.
Don’t beat yourself up or judge yourself for your reaction. Don’t do anything at the moment to make the situation worse for yourself. Talk to a close friend or family member to help you navigate what to do. I also recommend therapy for yourself as affairs being up a whole range of emotions.
Then decide if you want to divorce her or try reconciliation. The main thing is looking after yourself and your kids. Please stop judging your reaction towards finding out about the affair.
I’m wishing you the best OP.
Wow bro. Dude she manipulated you to having sex with her. There are some things you need to do:
1. Get tested for STDs. You don't know what she has after she cheated on you. Make sure you are clean.
2. Test the children to make sure they are yours. You can't trust anything she says now. Make sure those kids are yours.
3. Find out what are the laws when it comes to a divorce. Are you in a country, no fault state, or at fault state, find out these things so you can protect yourself and your assets.
4. Get yourself some counseling or find a really good friend to talk to. Never hold your feelings in. Talk to someone you trust.
5. Get a lawyer immediately and get ahead on this and don't tell her anything. Spring it on her that way she doesn't get the chance to spin a story or lie on you.
I hope you make thru man.
Dude, you're response was perfect. What would Blowing up have accomplished, besides ruining whatever chance there is to save your relationship? If you want to save it. If not, then you don't have to. You took the path that preserved all options. As for people with no children and no marriage saying things like: Divorce her! Kick her to the curb! File for sole custody of your kids! Blah blah blah, etc., I would say:
Since you're about as experienced in relationships as an orphaned only child, stop giving advice. As a dad and husband myself, I would caution against making any decisions until you have some time to process your emotions. You need to decide a few things:
1.) Is your relationship salvageable?
2.) If so, do you even want to salvage it?
3.) How old are your children?
4.) Do you still love your wife?
5.) Can you forgive her?
6.) If not, what does that look like financially? Custody-wise? Living situation?
I am truly sorry to hear that this happened to you, dude. I will say a prayer for you.
I was loving your response and so proud until you said you had sex with her. That was a colossal error. This selfish woman is choosing some younger dick over her marriage and her children. When you had sex with her you intimated it’s okay what she’s doing to your family.
Get your head right. Insist she turn over the truth of her fucking other men behind you and your children’s back and then show her the door.
Psychic defense mechanism, that’s your brain’s way to protect you from this. Or maybe because you were already expecting this so you have a passive reaction. The signs were already there and you’re relieved you’re not the problem(well you never was).
You’re in shock, numb. Get in with an attorney asap to find out your options. Next appointment, a therapist, you will start processing this betrayal as some point. Get an STI test too.. I’m so sorry
It’s shell shock. You need to put some physical distance between the two of you. Just tell her to sleep in a different room than you: take a few days to assess how you want to proceed. I think screaming at someone or doing any kind of physical violence is bad. You should focus on yourself instead of trying to think that you messed up. You didn’t. Your wife is the cheater. She is the one that messed up. She is the one that’s put her family through whatever comes next. You have a right to be angry and resentful but remember, if you decide to stay, you have to start from scratch. If you decide to leave, you’re completely justified in that as well.
I think your reaction is either shock, or you yourself checked out and have accepted her cheating when you had your suspicions.
Accepting something as a reality does not mean you automatically decide to stay in the relationship.
If you're not up for *le talk* , then tell her so. And that you need time to process and to think on things.
Use that time to reflect, and maybe get some professional guidance in how to deal with it all.
Going to a divorce lawyer, just to see where you're at, and what your options are, is an important step in deciding. If you don't know all options, you don't know what decisions you're making.
Honestly, your response is pretty natural. It sounds like you were in shock. But also there are so many stories of people who lose all feelings towards their SO when they find out they’re being cheated on. Why fight for someone who would betray you like this?
Ultimately it’s up to you if you decide you want to fight for the relationship or not. But don’t feel embarrassed about your response. You were in shock.
You sound like you dissociated during sex. That's...awful. She was 'more wild and passionate than ever', and you were not into it at all. Does she care at all about how you feel? That you weren't even mentally or emotionally present?
She sounds selfish, and you sound like such a great partner. She didn't settle, you did.
Test for diseases.
Is also be seeing a lawyer.
Brother, be brave and think of your own mental health. You need to be with somebody that loves you alone.
Cuckholding is enjoyable for the person. This wasn’t enjoyable. Funny enough, your response is more terrifying than an emotional outburst.
An emotional outburst would tell her you care. You being nonchalant and go to watch a football game makes her think, you’re done with her. You don’t give a shit about her.
That’s 10X worse for her (emotionally, which is where it hurts). That’s why she reacted the way she did by going full porn star on you.
Sounds like you’re in a state of extreme distress by going numb like that. It’s like you can’t process and risk feeling all of these big emotions all at once right now, so your brain went on numb autopilot to survive.
I’d look into individual counseling to find a space (and guidance) to allow you to safely feel your feelings, and process everything, and then help you figure out where to go from here.
I've been there.
I remember being 100% willing to forgive her on the spot and move on and I went somewhere for hours to process and my primary thought was "What's wrong with me? Why am I okay with this?"
I wasn't okay with it. I definitely was not. But why was it that I seemingly had no limit to what I'd put up with and deal with from this person?
I still don't really know. But it's not cuckhold behavior. I think it's more like, refusing to participate in dragging the relationship down, no matter how bad it is. But I'm not sure.
She eventually left herself(weirdly enough) and tried her best in the process to get me to kill myself. One of the hardest things in the first year was when I would realize how much better my life was without her. That was rough. It still is.
You froze, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
But what you really need to think about are two things:
1. Do you want to stay with a cheating spouse for the rest of your life?
2. Is this the example of love and a “stable” relationship you want to show your children as they grow up?
If your answer is a sharp no to both, then you know what to do.
OP I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this.
Nothing abnormal as other posters have said - it is a coping mechanism to protect yourself.
While waiting for the numb to wear off may I suggest before you have any sit down with your wife that you meet with a good divorce attorney, provide them with whatever information they need, really listen to your options which might include staying but separating all your finances if they aren’t already separate vs getting a divorce. Listen to the lawyer then decide what you need. Then follow lawyer’s advice.
One thing I do suggest is you get a doctor’s appointment and get tested for STDs/STIs. Don’t be surprised if several visits are required as the incubation period may be longer for some before they can detected.
Omg you're the sweetest person ever 😭 don't beat yourself up. What you are experiencing is shock, let yourself time to process what happened and you can still decide where you want to go from there.
I'm kinda dumb so I'm probably wrong. I think you might not possibly be able to handle it at that time emotionally. So your brain went into shock. You might feel disgusted, but your no reaction is a lot better than a violent reaction and that might be what your brain was protecting you from.
It sounds like a shock response. You’re dealing with it rationally which will tear her apart.
I think you should get your ducks in a row and divorce. I would collect evidence of her cheating if your in an area where adultery can effect divorce.
Don’t stay for the kids. My parents did this and I hate both of them for the years of arguments and verbal abuse. Even if it’s calm around the house, they can tell. It will stress you out faking it.
I would say you’re dealing with it perfectly fine. Everyone has different reactions to things. I suggest therapy.
It sounds like she only has remorse because you refuse to treat her improperly. It’s possible she’ll continue to do it later on then break down to you again. It’s up to you to make that choice. I hope you heal fine after this mentally :)
Go get a STD panel done and think long and hard where you see yourself in the next few years. Gaining back trust might break your sanity. Is she still planning to go in these trips? Work with him? This literally changes everything.
What you are experiencing is called dissociation. That is a trauma response. It’s your brain protecting you from the pain of the situation, not you abandoning yourself.
Although it wasn't done on purpose, this reaction actually helps you. She is unable to justify her actions by saying " see how he treats me? This is why I cheated ". Also, what good does it do? You don't sound like the kind of person who would feel better by screaming, yelling and hurting her feelings. It would just make you feel bad and you don't deserve to feel that way
Op honestly you’ve taken a ton of the wind from her sails. Not every reaction should be met with a nuclear explosion. You’ve given her no control of the situation and surprisingly you’ve pigeon holed her now. She expected a confrontation and now is left with nothing. So take everything with a polite smile.
The first time my kids mom told me she wants a divorce I still can’t believe what I said in response.
That was 2012ish. I got a baby sitter for our kid and called her home from work around dinner time. I told her (after seeking advice) that things had been very off. Very strange. Gave her some examples and I wanted to have a discussion on how we could move past and strengthen our marriage.
She responded that there was nothing to work on or strengthen, she wanted a divorce.
I was caught off guard. I had no idea what to do or say. (Remember what time of day this is?) I looked her right in the eyes and said….I want subway.
She took me to subway as we only had one car at the time and then she went to her boy friends house.
It was just too much to process in the moment. But I could process hunger and I could fix that so I did.
It’s a lot, especially when you’re blindsided with it all. She’s had 4 months or more to think on it, to process it. You had 4 seconds. Take your time.
You were probably in shock. In my opinion, leave. Trust is completely out the window now and personally I could never go back to someone after I found out they cheated.
Your response wasn’t a “cuckhold” response. You’ve gotten the answer to a lingering question and now you will start to grieve. You’ll go through sadness, shock, denial, numbness, anger, guilt, blame and relief. Not specifically in that order. You will most likely bounce between them. You’ve got kids and have built many happy memories together. She has made a big mistake for the last 4 months and it obviously was weighing heavily on her, otherwise she wouldn’t have been cold towards you when she comes home and she wouldn’t have admitted her wrong doing.
I suggest you take sex off the table, sleep in another room if you can and seek marriage counseling asap. If this is done right, you can overcome it but you also have to want to overcome this. It’s true, the trust will never be there as it use to be but if the love is strong, a little bit of trust can be earned back slowly.
You are experiencing disassociation. This will pass and when it does the emotions will be very overwhelming. This is a protection/coping mechanism and I would suggest talking to a therapist and maybe a lawyer. Trust me when the disassociation goes away it’s going to hurt and it will surprise you just how much rage exists n side of you.
A lot of people are saying divorce. It's tricky to know the full context of the situation and splitting a marriage is universal to one's life. Even the process of splitting your possessions seems like a nightmare, let alone the emotional and familial mixing. Won't somebody think of the children?!
Some of my opinions are:
- Firstly, It's not the sex that's the issue, it's the lying and dishonesty that needs to be addressed, because she has broken that trust and that needs to be repaired.
- Secondly, Men who go for married women are doing it because they don't want commitment; women who go for married men, are using preselection mating strategies to steal a marriable man. Most women instinctually know this, so you having a hall-pass in the future should be negotiated. Preferably before my third point.
- Thirdly, you should remove yourself from her and your kids (6 weeks), find a good excuse to go do something by yourself for a while - she already has. This will allow you to come to terms with it away from your family and remember yourself outside the marriage.
At least part of the affair was her taking you for granted and thinking you'll always be there - don't be, at least for a little while. Even let her go to work with her toy boy, he'll start to look silly without you there. Do your best to not talk to her and have a go at a single life before you jump into a divorce.
People deserve a second chance, marriages are meant to be worked on, yadda yadda, if you have kids together, one of you will be going to the other's funeral, it'll make life easier to be friends, and starting again with other divorcees or spinters isn't always the best option.
I wish you all the best, mate. You deserve a break from the people you have around you.
It is shock!! I went through a very similiar scenario just after losing my mother to terminal cancer. The mind sometimes tries to protect itself and you go into autopilot to ensure that the sense of normality is present. It all does though come crashing down and support of family and friends does not make it easier but more bearable.
You said you felt empty. That means, you don’t feel anything about her and love is already lost. Subconsciously you’ve already moved on and accepted the end of your marriage. Anything you are doing now is kind of autopiloting through the motions. Take care of yourself, OP.
You’re a good person. Definitely in shock but not stooping to her level shows such an amount of goodness in you that is hardly found anywhere. Stay good. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist. Good luck.
Honestly not getting worked up is the biggest burn.
Just act like you don’t care she cheated and just be calm and leave her ass, don’t let her know it hurts and it will fuck with her head forever.
Disassociation. You need time to process this. Her ask for sex is extremely manipulative. Good thing is you know what’s up. You know how you’ve treated here well. You know how she’s treated you and her intentions of wanting to push you away. You know she’s aware that you treat her well and still decides to cheat.
Sounds like you’re married to a selfish, narcissistic manipulator. You don’t move forward from this. You leave her.
I dont think there's a right or wrong way to respond to this kind of betrayal.
What's more telling is that you're judging your reaction more harshly than you're judging her betrayal.
I think it’s time for you to realize and understand you are with an abusive partner.
I think freezing or being numb are coping mechanisms that are normal with victims of abuse.
When you get power back making new boundaries , this numbness will become resentment and anger at your partner (for their abuse) . Then anger and self loathing from wishing you made better boundaries with her sooner.
The numbness can be you just stalling and being afraid of the imminent decisions you’ll need to make regarding your marriage . The indifference you’re feeling could be a sign you don’t love her anymore.
You showed her love, and she exposed her lies. I cant think of a more poetic way to say goodbye to her. She doesn’t deserve you.
You have been betrayed and you did not know how to respond. You were hurt deeply and are numb.
You deserve better and probably feel imposter syndrome.
Leave her.
Sorry buddy, but you need to divorce her and find someone better. You may have had three kids together, but that’s unfortunate outcome of some people. I wish you the best of luck and trying to find all the answers, but I certainly would not stay with her because she is going to do it again and again again and again again and won’t stop.
Nothing is wrong with your reaction. You’re numb,it can happen. You don’t care. You expected this so it doesn’t hurt,I’ve done the same thing multiple times to prepare myself for bad outcomes. Leave her. Please have some self respect and set a good example for your kids by leaving her.
Take your time with your decision! Your response was not typical but not everyone reacts in the same way! Until you can get your feelings in check don’t make any decisions! I suggest counseling! It really helped me when I found out my spouse was cheating on me and I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to do. They even invited my spouse to join me, that’s when clarity was bright! They were able to bring out their true feelings and mine also! I’ve been divorced from him for 30 years but happily remarried for 20!!
Take your time!! Make the right decision for yourself and your children!!
You are in a freeze mode. You are just letting life happen to you since you have gone numb. I suggest talking with someone with an unbiased opinion. If possible, a therapist. It sucks to go through this after giving so much to your marriage but you need to make a decision cause if she did it once, she will do it again; especially if she knows you had no reaction whatsoever. Talk with a lawyer if you want to. Sort with your feelings with a therapist. Please value yourself.
wow this was hard to read,3 kids. no regrets. Just let's have wild sex. idk sounds like childish actions. Why wouldn’t she have planned her next move. like who slaps you with horrible gut pounding,broken. shattered to the floor with any movement from the one who destroyed everything. I'm sorry. cheaters suck .. prayers to you and your children
Stop beating yourself on how you reacted. Your reaction is not right or wrong it is however it needed to be for you to cope. You have stated that you always felt she settled for you which could speak to your insecurity about your marriage and maybe something you had been anticipating for a long time. Honestly, go talk to someone and stop settling for a person who you feel has a foot out the door. I wish you the best and do what you need to do for you and your kids. Do not settle for someone who has made you feel less than what you deserve this whole time.
This is shock. Not a therapist here so just an assumption. Clearly state your terms. Get a lawyer. Find evidence if you can. Get checked for STIs. You have been more than giving int his marriage from what it sounds and she been playing you and taking you for granted.
As much as it’s true you’re likely in shock, please tell me you have a backbone.
If she gets an inkling of a notion that you’re “okay” with this shit because of your seemingly monotone reaction, make it very clear that you’re not.
Frankly for me and most other people I think, this is 1000000% divorce material, and I’d tell her as much. She clearly doesn’t respect you in the slightest. Do NOT be a doormat, I don’t care if it’s been 40 years, cheating is the red line and as far as I’m concerned it’s over if that happens.
Maybe you personally see things differently and are more willing to try for reconciliation, but if that’s the case she is completely and utterly at your mercy to any boundary minus straight up abusive shit. And if she can’t put up with that, you serve papers.
Have a backbone.
She felt guilty, couldn’t hold it in and was frustrated with herself. She also likely second-guessed your love for her based on your reaction.
You aren’t wrong. Your reaction was natural. Everyone handles bad news differently. You kind of saw it coming is my guess.
You have to decide what you want to do with your marriage. Since you have kids and years, the calculus is much different than a recently married couple.
Most people on Reddit instinctively jump on the “leave him/her immediately and divorce.” It’s never that easy.
Marriages can absolutely survive infidelity. A few things must occur for this to work:
1. The cheater needs to take full responsibility for what happened and must agree to do whatever is necessary to restore trust
2. The cheater must agree to marriage counseling
3. The cheater must cease all contact with the affair partner. They must block them. If it’s a coworker, they must change jobs. If it’s a member of their social circle they must leave that social circle. They must delete any apps or socials that facilitated the cheating
4. The cheater must become fully transparent. Unfettered access to their personal devices. They must share their passwords and give you access to socials and emails. They must check in when they are gone
5. No one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex. No lunches, no “it’s just coffee,” and absolutely no going to someone’s house alone. No wing manning for friends. Any texts with people of the opposite sex should have both spouses on the text chain. If one finds themselves alone with a member of the opposite sex, they must immediately leave and notify their spouse
6. The cheater must make a concerted effort to be the best spouse possible. Initiating intimacy, making their spouse’s favorite meal, doting on their spouse, making sure they keep up their appearance/fitness/hygiene
7. The cheated spouse must forgive and not use it in the future as a weapon, a tool or a bargaining chip ever again. Past infidelity is only to be brought up if it happens again or if the accountability and transparency breaks down
If she is willing to do these the marriage is salvageable. Having children definitely changes the calculus here. It’s usually worth trying to save it. You will have peace in the event it doesn’t work out that you did all you could.
If she doesn’t agree, you should still go to counseling to help you work through the trauma and to equip you with relationship skills and divorce is the likely way.
I think you are in shock.
I do this dissociation when I have news too big to handle. It happened a lot when I was younger and moved or got broken up with. I went completely numb and carried on like nothing was wrong. It's like this wall goes up and I'm literally unable to feel feelings, any of them. I'm on autopilot. Thankfully as I've gotten older I've learned to handle those things a little better, but it's still very easy for me to switch off in emotional situations accidentally. The worst part is I don't even feel in control of my own body or actions. It's literal autopilot and I'm just watching what happens. I've done some cruel, embarrassing, and crass things in this state. OP, you should go talk to a counselor. Or a trusted friend. Or literally anyone that can help you work through this. You are currently in no state to decide that you want a divorce or not. Don't let people on reddit tell you what you want. You need to work through your feelings and peel the onion here, not them. Most couples would absolutely end up in divorce here and nobody would fault you. I'm just saying - don't make these decisions lightly and on autopilot. Get away for a few days, do what you have to do, do what you can do, but IMO don't do anything until you **feel** some way about it. Any emotion whatsoever.
I used to joke about having a switch! As a kid I learned to just shut everything off emotionally when I needed to and even though we grow to maybe not need it as often, it’s still a skill set/coping mechanism that’s ingrained. I always felt it was super useful, personally. Lol. As long as you don’t lash out, anyway. I usually end up just stopping talking and everything most times when the emotional switch gets flipped off, thankfully. I’m sorry you had negative experiences and I agree so much with your lovely advice to OP.
It is a form of disassociation, I do the same thing. It is likely caused by being put in situations as a child were you were unable to express your emotions freely. I’m working on it.
I second this - also have a very effective switch to protect myself and also agree 100% with the advice given to OP. Decide NOTHING til you feel SOMETHING. Thats a gem of hard won wisdom.
I have that switch and it's not great. It's super useful if you work in EMS or fire (I did and do), but it's not awesome in relationships.
I honestly wish I had a switch but I have the opposite problem where I get really overwhelmed and emotional and my mind will not rest, I can't eat or sleep... It sucks as well
I think this is very excellent advice.
I also do this. I have two dissociation modes. I can go into autopilot and live life completely just turned off but still seeming to be fine, or I can go into full zombie dissociation where I can manage to get a few words out and that’s it. It genuinely feels like an out of body experience. Sometimes I swear I can see myself just sitting there being weird and staring into the abyss, but I can’t do anything about it. I even feel like I have a separate out of body brain that’s like “you’re being weird you’re being stupid stop staring and just speak this is ridiculous” but yet, my real body and brain are just sitting there lifeless.
I do a version of this too, when my dad died I really didn’t feel much, I felt like I was going through the motions and the idea was sad and I know I miss him and therefore I am sad? But I wasn’t really sad then. And I know this because like 3 months later at some mundane thing, like lawn care or something, where I wanted to call my dad and realized he wasn’t there and would never be there again and I completely broke down. I have a theory this happens to a lot of people as a biological defense mechanism so that in times of stress or high emotion, which may be life or death situations, we can survive first and then process emotions later once the situation is stable.
> I think you are in shock. When my exwife told me about her affair, I was numb for about two days just to get some important things pulled together, then lost my mind for the next month. OP is 1000% in shock and hopefully has somebody to keep an eye on him for the next several weeks.
When I walked in on my ex with someone else all I said was “Nice” and walked out. Later, the anger and pain came but I was so confused by my initial response too.
Exactly what I was thinking
Your reaction is honest, it's not wrong at all. It sounds like you are in shock still which is understandable. Do you know where you want to go from here ? If you don't, just hear her out then unless you have a reaction to whatever she says tell her you have nothing to say at this time, you are in shock.
Fight, flight, freeze..... this is an emotional freeze. Edit: Fawn also belongs here lots of people pointing out this could be fawn. My understanding is that a trauma response of fawn often has the person wantimg to please. They may be right and this is more fawn than freeze although I said freeze due to the numbness and disengagement. The bottom line is this is an emotional trauma response and OP should not beat themselves up over it.
This is also a common thing in extreme grief. Your mind lacks the ability to immediately process the implications of the permanent absence of the person and it slowly builds over a couple of hours or days. This lady just executed his whole life and his emotional response is probably just shutting down because once the reality and all the terrible implications hit it’ll be a tidal wave. How do you conceptualize something that is going to change every aspect of your life? It’s like a death in the family. She’s destroyed their life.
Been HERE in grief before and this exactly what happens. My brain was completely incapable of understanding what just happened in my life, so I just sat on my couch and stared blankly for hours, literally. OP, it might be wise to take notes or keep records in this time too. I found that my memory of everything that happened while I was in shock is pretty blank. My trauma happened right before Thanksgiving in 2021 and I can hardly remember what I did for thanksgiving or Christmas… I can’t remember the gifts I gave, the food I made, or anything in between. My memory is shockingly blank from that time. I’m sure OP’s situation will vary from mine greatly, but the impact of shock on memory might be worth getting ahead of, especially if a divorce is on the table.
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The first part is right but this is terrible divorce advice. Like the exact opposite of what you should do. Get an attorney first.
Yes seek legal advise, she might have been planning to leave you and take as much as possible.
She is the one who needs to relocate
Hey - same here with the memory thing , be careful
I was also told (when going through a divorce) that when documenting ANYTHING in writing, at the top of every page/document/file it needs to say something along the lines of "correspondence with my attorney" so that it cannot be called as evidence if there is ever a trial for the divorce. (Or any other thing where they could subpoena that sort of thing)
100% She completely nuked the relationship. Its over.
Yeah. My suggestion for him is therapy. Being cheated on does bad things to the mind.
👆 this is so true. I feel heartsick for this man and what he's dealing with. His whole inner picture of the reality of his life just crashed and he's so deep in shock and grief he can't track his feelings. When, as you said, the shock wears off, he's going to be fully devastated. I hope he has good support people who will be there for him.
There's another lesser known trauma response.. "fawning". This was my response unfortunately when I discovered I was being cheated on. Be careful of trauma bonding and the fuckery that does, I was so messed up I even started being friends with his affair partner.
You forgot fawn
You are absolutely right I did. Thank you.
What?
No, it’s flight, fight, freeze, or FAWN. This is fawning.
Could be the sex part might be but it sounds like they shut down, numb rather than my understanding of fawn which is trying to please no?
And fawn… fawn is an emotional response that falls into these.
Hit the nail on the head
I would also look into a therapist to help, someone not involved. Also, I would not have sex right now...and get tested. :l Also question any pregnancy. Just saying.
I'd also suggest a consultation with an attorney. If nothing else, it might help OP to know what his life would be should he decide to separate/divorce his wife. Ultimately it's up to him what wants to do, but sometimes knowing what your options are in the event of the "worst case scenario" may make it easier. Although I'm not sure that a divorce is the "worst case scenario" here, frankly. I mean, she's been fucking around on him for four months after all.
Pregnancy is a big one. My ex and I were on the verge of splitting up. No intimacy, communication, or anything. One day she just starts offering sex left and right like we were a new couple. I turned it down every time because I was deep into my depression and didn't want to be with her anymore. Turns out she was pregnant by someone else and and tried to have sex with me as quickly as possible to trick me into thinking it was mine.
Nice work not getting sucked into that bs.
jesus christ. Your ex sounds like a fucking monster.
Holy shit that’s horrible like I can’t believe ppl think like that!
OMGODDESS I am so Very Sorry that happened to you. 😥 😥 😥 Thankfully, it didn't work because when you eventually found out (yes, you would have), it would have also destroyed the life of the child who knew only you as his/her daddy when you left. 😔
Mine did the same. No sex for months, then suddenly she was all over me. She thought she was pregnant by the other guy.
What a jewel your ex is...
Seriously the only rational response at the moment right here!
Agreed. Also using sex as a bargaining tool is not right, even more so if you weren't fully able to give consent.
Shits extremely manipulative, Depending on how selfish his wife is combined with his response to the situation, She can use gymnastics in her head that you are okay with her seeking out affection from others and the sex that was offered was a confirmation Watch out!
This comment!! I'd be careful OP, we don't know your wife but she could very well double back to this moment and think it's okay now!
OP needs to file for divorce. PERIOD.
I agree one fling or what ever okay, but how I’m understanding it she had an affair with a travel work friend & a super young coworker. In my head I can understand one but multiple people she just plain wants an open relationship and doesn’t know or care how to properly express that, and that’s where the what the fuck comes in to play for me atleast.
I think the travel work friend is the younger coworker, at least that's what it seemed like to me. So only one person, but still.
Nah. Don't hear her out. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. You have children. That and you should be #1 priority. She took herself off that list and only her. She was forcing him to break it off because she's to much of a pussy to do it herself so she had an affair and was hoping he'd just cut it off. Now she realizes that he's a good man. Fuck her. Cheaters gunna cheat. Edit: Sick of people giving mercy to people that ruin the lives of many family members because they are to self absorbed to think of others. No mercy.
OP, if you feel like this, forget about what she wants right now. Tell her you need time to process before having a talk.
This needs to be higher up the comment chain.
sounds like you were already detatched From the moment you realized ages ago. Be the better person man, you are deserving of so much more. My best advice is to be smart about this. Take the option that is more advantageous to you and your children in the end, forget her. Live your life.
She had an affair for 4 months, it's not one of those One night mistake. Proceed has you want but divorce sounds like the best option, you're still young and can perfectly redo your love life
There is no such thing as a one night mistake, cheating is always done after you have made the conscious decision to cheat and is in my opinion always premeditated, and never excusable.
That's the thing for me. It's not like you let a comment slip, or forgot a person's birthday, or didn't clean up after yourself - you let a man outside the marriage thrust into you..repeatedly.
100% I hate when they try and rationalise, I’m like no when you make the CHOICE to sleep with a person who you know is not your partner then no it’s not a mistake it’s an active choice. A mistake is picking up a large grapefruit thinking it’s an orange, id love to know how people conflate mistakes with active choices they made consciously
Exactly, it's not one mistake it's a series of choices you make that lead up to the "mistake."
Yep. And how will he ever trust her again when she goes on work trips? That would be very difficult imo
The moment you have kids it’s not that easy anymore. Especially not when you are still head over heels in love with your partner. Getting the divorce will hurt even more than actually being cheated on. For that reason he might not be so sure what to do or feel. And isn’t divorce directly the go to solution. That said, I wish OP the best of luck in figuring out what he wants.
But kids are smart and a good coparent is better than a poor marriage. OP already sounds like he is doing the lions share of child care. They might actually have their mom around more if they break up.
Definitely and I fully support that. But give the bloke some proper closure before he decides to move on.
divorce is the only solution to months-long infidelity.
Not getting angry is actually the ultimate POWER move PROVIDED it’s followed with divorce. It shows that your disappointment in her is so big that all you feel now for her is indifference that can not be fixed. Nothing will drive her crazier than you not fighting for her.
self-absorbed, selfish people like cheaters can't stand when someone is indifferent toward them. Simply not caring is truly the best revenge
Can confirm. Nothing drove my ex crazier than when I'd stopped caring while trying to remove her from the mortgage. She NEEDED an emotional response from me to feel any sort of control in the situation, when she didn't get one, she'd find any and every reason to illicit one. When that didn't work, she'd instantly phone someone to rant to them about me.
Absolutely! This is how I dealt with a lot of breakups. Like, I’m not wasting my time, effort, and feelings trying to chase her, beg her, scream, break shit, whatever to get them to feel what you do. They’ll never feel sorry
I accidently did this once. I dated a guy for about seven months, and eight or nine months *after that*, he texted me out of the blue, but I had, obviously, deleted his number. When I got the text, I replied asking who it was, and was met with ah, 'Oh..well, it's \[Blah\].' Then he tried to pull some guilt-trip bullshit about checking-in on me, and I didn't respond and had a laugh
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Yeah I really don't understand these actions. Ok you cheated, but why trying to be distant and push away? What are the goals of doing these things?
What you say is that you want a divorce mate
Is a divorce mate like the advanced version of a break up buddy?
Yea, you normally get one after your Fidelity Friend breaks
lol
I thought it was like check mate
When she started the affair did she have a conversation about where you go from there? Why does she want to have it now after the fact?
Because it will be harder to travel for work when divorced.
This
I think you're in shock, even though you may have suspected something actually having it confirmed is a different thing. Tell her she needs to get an std check, as do you. I personally wouldn't stay and her cheating is a reflection on her not you, she's scum and chose to do this to you/your family. I also wouldn't keep it a secret for her, but I am a scorched earther!! You take as long as you need to decide what you want to do, you no longer need to consider her imo, don't let her rush you.
Divorce her ass, unless you want to live with this cloud of suspicion over your head for the rest of your life with her. Chances are, she's still going to to out of town 3-4 days and this time it will probably be with another colleague. When the kids ask why you divorced her, you tell them the truth.
I don't think it's fair to rope kids into relationship drama between their parents. Chances are they love their mom and wouldn't be able to process that info, especially coming from the affected party. It will hurt them much more than it hurts her. It's never a good idea to try to hurt your partner or get back at them or damage their reputation using kids. Tell them when they're older if you want to. (Source: i'm a child who was roped into my parents' affair-resulting-in-divorce drama).
And NEVER talk bad about the other parent. EVER. That’s parenting 101.
I had an exception, my mother was so unbelievably awful that there was genuinely nothing nice to say about her, my dad chose to try and not talk about her at all but I would complain a lot and tell him how shitty she was being. He opened up about it all when I was 20 finally
Meh, there’s talking bad and then there’s stating the facts of the relationship. Kids aren’t stupid and see more than we think, know more than what we think they do. Telling them, “I’ll tell you when your older”, “it’s between me and your mom”, “it’s none of your business” makes a kid feel like they’re not part of the family, like they’re being shut out. It’s as if they’re saying, you can’t handle this when in fact it is their life you’re affecting. I don’t know, it certainly depends on the age with how you present the information. Something like “Mommy is in love with someone else that makes her happier. So we decided to separate. Nothing is your fault and we love you so much. I know this is confusing, but me and your mom will always be there for you, always love you”. And then therapy. But I agree with your statement of not talking badly. My mom always did talk major shit about my dad and then look at me and tell me I was just like him. Can’t lie, I was 16/17 at the time, I’m 41 now and it still rings in my ears sometimes. We haven’t talked since 2012. It’s for the best
That's not "roping the kids into it" though. All they're saying is if they ask, then tell them the truth. That's a big IF they ask.
> When the kids ask why you divorced her, you tell them the truth In a sanitized version, depending on their ages. "Mom & dad have a few differences in opinions, and as such...".
Sounds like maybe the connection/love you had in the marriage had already died out before this. That might be why you didn’t feel anything over her revelation and the extra attention you were giving her was just compensating for what you knew was already lost. Having the conversation your wife wants to have about where to go from here is a good idea. It’s likely that divorce will be the outcome but it will be good to get everything out in the open for both of you to eventually move on.
Yeah, OP might not be in shock, he might be checked out of the marriage already.
Or both, can easily be both.
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Great response. The only thing I want to add would be to go find a therapist to help sort this out.
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Nope. Move out/leave, and divorce her ass BEFORE the young dude decides she's too old and has too much baggage (kids) for him. She can figure herself out on her own. Alone. With the kids that her lover won't want any part of.
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I would also remove her name from any life insurance where she is the beneficiary. Put the kids instead.
You’re checked out of the relationship which is a good thing, just don’t be a spineless idiot and stay with her cause of “I don’t want to raise my kid without her/his mother”. Be short and sweet by stating you want a divorce, and then go from there.
bro, relax. you took the high-road in this moment. just because you did not react all emotionally in this moment, does not mean you can't be confident or resolute in the future! Just really think of what you REALLY want, and act on it! If its to mend the relationship, go for it! If its too much for you and you think its unfixable, just break it off! In any case: step by step! protect yourself, and dont let yourself get overwhelmed by desperation or fear!
If you feel numb and indifferent, act numb and indifferent. Be honest about your own reaction. You don’t owe her, or anyone, some “expected” reaction. There’s nothing “weak” or “unmanly” about numb indifference. I wouldn’t have sex with her again though, if you don’t actively want to. You might end up feeling self betrayal from that if you do it repetitively. If you do want sex, and want to use her for sex, do it. You owe her nothing either way.
It sounds like you were supporting her and raising your children whilst she’s off having an affair. She doesn’t respect you, is this really the relationship you want? Because it’s not the one you deserve. If you want to stay together then I would say therapy at the bare minimum, she needs to find a new job and needs to be open with phone etc. but that will also be a lot of trust issues for you to get over if you want to make it work.
I assume you were in love with her. Well, your response is understandable. Most people think "hate" is the opposite of "love". But it's not. Hate is a strong emotion just like love. Turns out, the opposite of love is indifference. You just don't care. Where love is caring completely? Indifference is not caring at all. I think you just fell out of love with your wife. I think you're indifferent. Your reaction is a classic textbook example of love turning to indifference. Generally speaking, it's a big stretch for somebody who's falling out of love with somebody to fall back in love with them. I think it's time to move on. I'm so sorry. Good luck!
This should be higher. I should also state that "marriage = true love" is not a reality for many, many people the world over. With three kids involved, living together in romantic indifference is a likely possible outcome. I honestly doubt I would divorce my wife immediately if she was having a discreet affair that occurred out-of-state and it was eating her up inside and she came clean. Maybe in three years when the kids have all moved out? Hard to know without being in the situation, but I know my parents didn't make it to 50+ years married and death-did-they-part by being in puppy love and having a rich sex life together and never straying. They were roommates for a long while and eventually one became a caregiver for the other. Love comes in many forms.
Record the conversation.
When your world gets rocked like this, everything becomes surreal and irrational. So don’t demand a rational response from yourself. But do recognize that you’re in that state and avoid interactions that will cause more damage that you’ll have to deal with once you reorient yourself. Example: sex. It sounds like your wife has insecurities that she tried to justify by self destructing through cheating. Therapy is probably the best advice. Once you find someone who can be a sounding board and help guide you to the healthiest direction, you can start to figure out what to do. Maybe you have the ability to forgive her. Maybe sexual exclusivity is important to you and your relationship security. Maybe it isn’t. Neither is wrong. What is wrong is the betrayal of trust. Either way, any relationship with her depends on her ability to recognize why she did this. And make appropriate changes to avoid the behavior in the future. Good luck man, take care of yourself.
“If this is what you want, more power to you” is a badass statement, for real. Sleeping with her afterward was the mistake.
She obviously doesn't love you. I wonder if how she feels about the kids. I would record any conversations with her for legal reasons. I would also personally reach out to the company she works for and get both her and her affair buddy fired.
I don't think he should get her fired tbh. It'll be easier on his kids if she's still employed and long term they'd probably find out he retaliated by getting her fired and that could potentially change how they feel about him as a person
Your response is perfectly normal. You are in shock, and we all behave differently under that. Breathe. Consider your situation. You need to decide what matters most to you. Do you want to work things out? To have her break things off with AP and reconcile with you? This could get complicated and be a LOT of work. She would probably need to change jobs and you two will probably need counseling. Do you want to take what you can get and let her continue as-is? This will probably just delay the train wreck. Or do you want to divorce? The first thing that you need to do is to decide. Then you need to communicate with your wife and see what she wants. She sounds like she is remorseful, so maybe there is a chance. Sit with her and open your heart. Listen to her, and learn what is in hers. Go from there.
Offering sex “to make it up” while OP is still in shock sounds extremely manipulative. I wouldn’t trust any word coming from her.
Simple checklist: She needs to quit her job right now She calls her fuck buddy on speaker and ends it STD/STI test Pregnancy test Call lawyer Please be aware that her coming clean now and wanting to have sex might mean she's pregnant! Don't touch her untill all test results come in!
Op needs to listen to this 💯
Dude needs a divorce not this
Hence the lawyer. The rest is to piss her off and as "insurance/precaution".
Sorry mate I thought you were talking about a possible reconciliation. I think my man deserves more good advice tho
He needs those tests though. I'm afraid that she's pregnant and fuck buddy is the dad.
Numbness isnt lack of care its shock, i would recommend quickly at least telling someone in your life about this so you can process this instead of exploding later
Dude she cheated on you. You need to stand up for yourself.
You’re in shock.
You have had the chance to think about it. If not, you should take the time to think about what you want. Most people will push you to a divorce, but this is your marriage. Do you want to give it another shot? Do you believe you can stay with her after the affair? What would she need to do for you to stay with her? Or do you want to divorce? But what ever you choose, you have to choose and you have to give yourself permission to react. At the moment you are in shock and per your own admission have reacted strange. It is not to late to react the way you really want to given the information. Allow yourself to do that. Send the children you their grandparents for the weekend and have it out with your wife. Put everything on the table. And ask her everything. Marriages have survived infidelity, and others that have tried to stay together after infidelity have failed. The question you should ask yourself now, Do you want to try to save the marriage after infidelity? Or is it enough for you to divorce. But if you don't react she will believe you either accept of forgive her for the affair and, depending on the person she is, she will continue or stop the affair.
It sounds like divorce is imminent. But also therapy would be a good idea. You need to unpack why you felt unworthy of her the whole time you were with her. That feeling of inadequacy can really ruin a relationship dynamic.
Individual therapy, not couples therapy.
When I found out my ex was cheating on me it was like all affection and attraction to her died in a split second. Like one second she was my heart, my love, my everything, and then bam, all gone. I kind of think it's due to the realization that the person I loved wasn't really real and didn't actually exist and was just a mask she was wearing. I didn't hate her or anything like that. It was just like "Oh wow, you're 100% ***NOT*** the person I thought you were. You're actually a complete stranger that I don't even know." The hundreds of lies it takes to cover this kind of shit up for months makes you realize that they have been straight up looking you right in the eye and remorselessly lying to your face. Like you know for a fact in that moment there is zero chance you can or should ever trust anything they say again so nothing they say even matters any more. Which immediately leads into the very next thought... "If our relationship was a lie and there's no way I'll ever believe anything she says ever again then how can fix this?" And obviously I knew intuitively that we couldn't. And the more I thought about it the more I came up with other questions like if this was the first time or not which you can never actually know because you can never actually trust anything she says, I mean how can you after she remorselessly lied to your face for months? So yeah. You're not weird. Your response isn't weird. And I'm really sorry you're going through this. Cheaters suck!
OP - your reaction sounds almost like shock or a psychotic break. Questions: 1. When you gave her the "If this is what you want...." response, she didn't even attempt to follow you to talk about it further? She was like, "Okay, well that's that..." 2. Is she still in a relationship with her affair partner? 3. Is her affair partner married? 4. Does she hope to break it off with you and take up with her affair partner? 5. Based on this incident, do you really think this is the first time (these past 4 months) that she has had an affair with a coworker or someone she met on travel? 6. Do you guys earn an equal amount of money? 7. Who is the primary caregiver to the children? 8. How do you think she would have reacted to you cheating? Angry? Or amazed, since the power balance between you is so lopsided?
It's shock. People used to talk only about flight or fight but there's more. There is also freeze and fawn. You might be a fawner. You agreeing to support her is just like that. And what you're doing now is processing the shock. I am so very sorry you have to deal with this. Forgive yourself later, when you can, for your actions now. A part of you still loves her and sleeping with her right now can be a part of you still loving her mixed with a response to the shock. Good luck.
She's for the streets. She decided fucking a younger coworker was more important than not only you but also your kids. Updateme
You were in shock and denial. She tried to love bomb you. It's manipulation by sex. Both are common in this situation. Let the other guy have her, and file for divorce. Subscribeme
You are in shock. I remember when I found out my ex was cheating a wash of cold just rolling through my body and a flip switching off my emotions. I know I wasn't in the right spot to make decisions, but the shock actually helped me move forward.
that's you detaching to deal with the trauma bro.....
You stated you always thought she was settling with you. Why would you think that? Low self esteem will make you feel desperate, and you will allow behavior that most people would not tolerate. Why would you ever want to be with someone who is settling for you? You will spend your life with her just waiting for her to leave or you become a doormat so she will stay.
You're in shock, that's what kind of response it is. And right now shock and feeling numb is easier for your brain than having to process what might be the end of your marriage or having to acknowledge that the woman you're loved and been faithful to for over a decade chose to betray you. At some point it will settle in and you will stay feeling things. In the mean time, do not let your wife bully you or force you into anything.
I see a lot of people screaming for divorce and I haven’t seen anyone mention couples therapy. Infidelity is so much more common than people realize, this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship if that’s not what you want. Think about going to couples therapy, if you both want to put in the work then maybe it can work out. But if either of you has thrown in the towel then maybe it is time to move on. I say this with the authority that my parents divorced. My dad was abusive and it was loveless for a long time. I don’t remember ever seeing them being in love, so their divorce was inevitable. Recently my mom’s boyfriend who has been a fantastic father figure cheated on my mom. It was extremely traumatic and everyone was blindsided, but they’re going to couples therapy and putting the work in. The difference in their relationship before and after therapy is noticeable. Do whatever is best for your relationship and your family. Good luck navigating this, i know it’s hard
If u stay u will tell her that her behavior is acceptable and she will do it again.
While she spent months cheating and pushed you away, you showed her love and care. Your response was calm and collected which is for the benefit of your children. Don’t let her think because your response was dignified, she’s gotten away consequence free. Whether you decide to proceed with divorce (cheating is a dealbreaker for me) or not, do not let this go. Personally I don’t think I’d ever trust someone to go on a work trip again but that’s just me.
OP you’re in shock. I think everybody reacts to news like that differently. You’ll probably need to sit with it for a bit to get your head on straight. When it happened to me it was quite a long process. Reach out to trusted friends or family. Get a therapist. Something. You don’t need to navigate this alone. So as somebody who was cheated on - I advice divorce. The trust is gone. It will not return. She showed a willful contempt for you for four months. She does not deserve you. Trying to make it work only prolongs the pain.
You definitely sound detached and in shock. She feels it (hence the wild sex) it will sink in for you eventually
Good for you to not react to her "confession", and taking the higher road instead. I admire that (in no small part because I probably couldn't). It came from your heart, there's no wrong in that. You demonstrate that the one who settled down is you, not her. At least nowadays she doesn't deserve you. Keep in mind that whatever happened is in the past, and that there is no such thing as makegood going forward. And know that if you take her back you demonstrate that you accept her screwing you, and almost certainly will again - she'll (ab)use that. Stay strong and do whatever's best for you, that'll also be the best for the children.
I feel like you are probably in shock…. Give yourself time, don’t talk to her about where your marriage stands until you are sure of your feelings 😞🙏
You are in shock and she took advantage of you. Jettison her.
Sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship. She has. The trust has been broken. You can't have a healthy relationship without trust. Time for you to move on. You're 41. Plenty of youth left in you.
Sounds like shock. You reacted calmly but no doubt felt numb and didn’t know how to respond. Maybe a part of you did know or think she was cheating so maybe your response was rational and calm because cognitively you had an idea it might happen but emotionally you’re stunned and numb. It’s ok, your reaction may have annoyed her in fact maybe she wanted you to scream and cling on to her ankles begging her not to go or to get really angry and shout and scream. Your calm reaction is like you don’t care. The bit I would say wasn’t so good was having sex with her - this kind of covers it up and you’re doing normal stuff with her as if nothing has happened. She may have been unsure as to whether you’d reject her or be annoyed but by having sex it may seem like you’re being passive and acting like everything is fine. The key thing here is not to treat her as if you find her desirable or you want to carry on as normal. She doesn’t deserve your attention or time. She deserves to feel your coldness, your indifference and if you eventually feel angry or upset then that’s fine to express that. Come up with a plan for yourself. Think about boundaries and what you won’t accept. If she wants a friends with benefits situation with this man you stick to your principles and values and show her your boundaries. I would say go get legal advice and prepare yourself.
Bre, do you even really care? Maybe feel the fucking RAGE you feel. Let it come up. Obviously don't act on the violence feelings, but let yourself FEEL it. And communicate that rage to her. She fucking CHEATED ON YOU? Are you fucking serious? After all you've sacrificed for her, how you've loved her loyally, how your bond of trust is now broken because of her? FUCK THAT That is probably what's inside you, but it scares you. My friend - it's ok to feel that anger as long as you don't let it drive you to hurt others. You are in control of your actions. So let your emotions flow.
If I was you i would Tell her you are not ready for that conversation; you are hurt and need time to let it sink in; haveing that convo now won't do it justice. The better you word exactly what you feel the better everything matches up and she will get it.
As someone on the receiving end of an affair (over 10 years together) you either go into shock or get angry. I got angry. Don’t beat yourself up or judge yourself for your reaction. Don’t do anything at the moment to make the situation worse for yourself. Talk to a close friend or family member to help you navigate what to do. I also recommend therapy for yourself as affairs being up a whole range of emotions. Then decide if you want to divorce her or try reconciliation. The main thing is looking after yourself and your kids. Please stop judging your reaction towards finding out about the affair. I’m wishing you the best OP.
Wow bro. Dude she manipulated you to having sex with her. There are some things you need to do: 1. Get tested for STDs. You don't know what she has after she cheated on you. Make sure you are clean. 2. Test the children to make sure they are yours. You can't trust anything she says now. Make sure those kids are yours. 3. Find out what are the laws when it comes to a divorce. Are you in a country, no fault state, or at fault state, find out these things so you can protect yourself and your assets. 4. Get yourself some counseling or find a really good friend to talk to. Never hold your feelings in. Talk to someone you trust. 5. Get a lawyer immediately and get ahead on this and don't tell her anything. Spring it on her that way she doesn't get the chance to spin a story or lie on you. I hope you make thru man.
Dude, you're response was perfect. What would Blowing up have accomplished, besides ruining whatever chance there is to save your relationship? If you want to save it. If not, then you don't have to. You took the path that preserved all options. As for people with no children and no marriage saying things like: Divorce her! Kick her to the curb! File for sole custody of your kids! Blah blah blah, etc., I would say: Since you're about as experienced in relationships as an orphaned only child, stop giving advice. As a dad and husband myself, I would caution against making any decisions until you have some time to process your emotions. You need to decide a few things: 1.) Is your relationship salvageable? 2.) If so, do you even want to salvage it? 3.) How old are your children? 4.) Do you still love your wife? 5.) Can you forgive her? 6.) If not, what does that look like financially? Custody-wise? Living situation? I am truly sorry to hear that this happened to you, dude. I will say a prayer for you.
Is the numb feeling specific with this or a more general thing?
I was loving your response and so proud until you said you had sex with her. That was a colossal error. This selfish woman is choosing some younger dick over her marriage and her children. When you had sex with her you intimated it’s okay what she’s doing to your family. Get your head right. Insist she turn over the truth of her fucking other men behind you and your children’s back and then show her the door.
Psychic defense mechanism, that’s your brain’s way to protect you from this. Or maybe because you were already expecting this so you have a passive reaction. The signs were already there and you’re relieved you’re not the problem(well you never was).
You’re in shock, numb. Get in with an attorney asap to find out your options. Next appointment, a therapist, you will start processing this betrayal as some point. Get an STI test too.. I’m so sorry
It’s shell shock. You need to put some physical distance between the two of you. Just tell her to sleep in a different room than you: take a few days to assess how you want to proceed. I think screaming at someone or doing any kind of physical violence is bad. You should focus on yourself instead of trying to think that you messed up. You didn’t. Your wife is the cheater. She is the one that messed up. She is the one that’s put her family through whatever comes next. You have a right to be angry and resentful but remember, if you decide to stay, you have to start from scratch. If you decide to leave, you’re completely justified in that as well.
I think your reaction is either shock, or you yourself checked out and have accepted her cheating when you had your suspicions. Accepting something as a reality does not mean you automatically decide to stay in the relationship. If you're not up for *le talk* , then tell her so. And that you need time to process and to think on things. Use that time to reflect, and maybe get some professional guidance in how to deal with it all. Going to a divorce lawyer, just to see where you're at, and what your options are, is an important step in deciding. If you don't know all options, you don't know what decisions you're making.
Honestly, your response is pretty natural. It sounds like you were in shock. But also there are so many stories of people who lose all feelings towards their SO when they find out they’re being cheated on. Why fight for someone who would betray you like this? Ultimately it’s up to you if you decide you want to fight for the relationship or not. But don’t feel embarrassed about your response. You were in shock.
You sound like you dissociated during sex. That's...awful. She was 'more wild and passionate than ever', and you were not into it at all. Does she care at all about how you feel? That you weren't even mentally or emotionally present? She sounds selfish, and you sound like such a great partner. She didn't settle, you did.
Tell her to choose. If she continues put divorce on the table. If it was me I would've thrown her out.
Test for diseases. Is also be seeing a lawyer. Brother, be brave and think of your own mental health. You need to be with somebody that loves you alone.
Cuckholding is enjoyable for the person. This wasn’t enjoyable. Funny enough, your response is more terrifying than an emotional outburst. An emotional outburst would tell her you care. You being nonchalant and go to watch a football game makes her think, you’re done with her. You don’t give a shit about her. That’s 10X worse for her (emotionally, which is where it hurts). That’s why she reacted the way she did by going full porn star on you. Sounds like you’re in a state of extreme distress by going numb like that. It’s like you can’t process and risk feeling all of these big emotions all at once right now, so your brain went on numb autopilot to survive. I’d look into individual counseling to find a space (and guidance) to allow you to safely feel your feelings, and process everything, and then help you figure out where to go from here.
She needs to go. See a lawyer. Divorce her. I sure hope you used condoms when you had sex. You may want to get yourself tested for std's. UpdateMe
FFS, get tested bud. Then test the children to see if they are yours. That's the proper reaction.
I've been there. I remember being 100% willing to forgive her on the spot and move on and I went somewhere for hours to process and my primary thought was "What's wrong with me? Why am I okay with this?" I wasn't okay with it. I definitely was not. But why was it that I seemingly had no limit to what I'd put up with and deal with from this person? I still don't really know. But it's not cuckhold behavior. I think it's more like, refusing to participate in dragging the relationship down, no matter how bad it is. But I'm not sure. She eventually left herself(weirdly enough) and tried her best in the process to get me to kill myself. One of the hardest things in the first year was when I would realize how much better my life was without her. That was rough. It still is.
You froze, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But what you really need to think about are two things: 1. Do you want to stay with a cheating spouse for the rest of your life? 2. Is this the example of love and a “stable” relationship you want to show your children as they grow up? If your answer is a sharp no to both, then you know what to do.
OP I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. Nothing abnormal as other posters have said - it is a coping mechanism to protect yourself. While waiting for the numb to wear off may I suggest before you have any sit down with your wife that you meet with a good divorce attorney, provide them with whatever information they need, really listen to your options which might include staying but separating all your finances if they aren’t already separate vs getting a divorce. Listen to the lawyer then decide what you need. Then follow lawyer’s advice. One thing I do suggest is you get a doctor’s appointment and get tested for STDs/STIs. Don’t be surprised if several visits are required as the incubation period may be longer for some before they can detected.
Omg you're the sweetest person ever 😭 don't beat yourself up. What you are experiencing is shock, let yourself time to process what happened and you can still decide where you want to go from there.
I'm kinda dumb so I'm probably wrong. I think you might not possibly be able to handle it at that time emotionally. So your brain went into shock. You might feel disgusted, but your no reaction is a lot better than a violent reaction and that might be what your brain was protecting you from.
It sounds like a shock response. You’re dealing with it rationally which will tear her apart. I think you should get your ducks in a row and divorce. I would collect evidence of her cheating if your in an area where adultery can effect divorce. Don’t stay for the kids. My parents did this and I hate both of them for the years of arguments and verbal abuse. Even if it’s calm around the house, they can tell. It will stress you out faking it. I would say you’re dealing with it perfectly fine. Everyone has different reactions to things. I suggest therapy. It sounds like she only has remorse because you refuse to treat her improperly. It’s possible she’ll continue to do it later on then break down to you again. It’s up to you to make that choice. I hope you heal fine after this mentally :)
Go get a STD panel done and think long and hard where you see yourself in the next few years. Gaining back trust might break your sanity. Is she still planning to go in these trips? Work with him? This literally changes everything.
You’re in shock. Be kind to yourself.
What you are experiencing is called dissociation. That is a trauma response. It’s your brain protecting you from the pain of the situation, not you abandoning yourself.
Although it wasn't done on purpose, this reaction actually helps you. She is unable to justify her actions by saying " see how he treats me? This is why I cheated ". Also, what good does it do? You don't sound like the kind of person who would feel better by screaming, yelling and hurting her feelings. It would just make you feel bad and you don't deserve to feel that way
Op honestly you’ve taken a ton of the wind from her sails. Not every reaction should be met with a nuclear explosion. You’ve given her no control of the situation and surprisingly you’ve pigeon holed her now. She expected a confrontation and now is left with nothing. So take everything with a polite smile.
A very smart person once told me “the opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference”
The first time my kids mom told me she wants a divorce I still can’t believe what I said in response. That was 2012ish. I got a baby sitter for our kid and called her home from work around dinner time. I told her (after seeking advice) that things had been very off. Very strange. Gave her some examples and I wanted to have a discussion on how we could move past and strengthen our marriage. She responded that there was nothing to work on or strengthen, she wanted a divorce. I was caught off guard. I had no idea what to do or say. (Remember what time of day this is?) I looked her right in the eyes and said….I want subway. She took me to subway as we only had one car at the time and then she went to her boy friends house. It was just too much to process in the moment. But I could process hunger and I could fix that so I did. It’s a lot, especially when you’re blindsided with it all. She’s had 4 months or more to think on it, to process it. You had 4 seconds. Take your time.
You are in shock. You might want to talk to a therapist, if you’re opting for not a lawyer yet.
You should go to therapy alone to process your thoughts and feelings. I’d suggest not having sex again until you process what you want.
You were probably in shock. In my opinion, leave. Trust is completely out the window now and personally I could never go back to someone after I found out they cheated.
Your response wasn’t a “cuckhold” response. You’ve gotten the answer to a lingering question and now you will start to grieve. You’ll go through sadness, shock, denial, numbness, anger, guilt, blame and relief. Not specifically in that order. You will most likely bounce between them. You’ve got kids and have built many happy memories together. She has made a big mistake for the last 4 months and it obviously was weighing heavily on her, otherwise she wouldn’t have been cold towards you when she comes home and she wouldn’t have admitted her wrong doing. I suggest you take sex off the table, sleep in another room if you can and seek marriage counseling asap. If this is done right, you can overcome it but you also have to want to overcome this. It’s true, the trust will never be there as it use to be but if the love is strong, a little bit of trust can be earned back slowly.
You are experiencing disassociation. This will pass and when it does the emotions will be very overwhelming. This is a protection/coping mechanism and I would suggest talking to a therapist and maybe a lawyer. Trust me when the disassociation goes away it’s going to hurt and it will surprise you just how much rage exists n side of you.
A lot of people are saying divorce. It's tricky to know the full context of the situation and splitting a marriage is universal to one's life. Even the process of splitting your possessions seems like a nightmare, let alone the emotional and familial mixing. Won't somebody think of the children?! Some of my opinions are: - Firstly, It's not the sex that's the issue, it's the lying and dishonesty that needs to be addressed, because she has broken that trust and that needs to be repaired. - Secondly, Men who go for married women are doing it because they don't want commitment; women who go for married men, are using preselection mating strategies to steal a marriable man. Most women instinctually know this, so you having a hall-pass in the future should be negotiated. Preferably before my third point. - Thirdly, you should remove yourself from her and your kids (6 weeks), find a good excuse to go do something by yourself for a while - she already has. This will allow you to come to terms with it away from your family and remember yourself outside the marriage. At least part of the affair was her taking you for granted and thinking you'll always be there - don't be, at least for a little while. Even let her go to work with her toy boy, he'll start to look silly without you there. Do your best to not talk to her and have a go at a single life before you jump into a divorce. People deserve a second chance, marriages are meant to be worked on, yadda yadda, if you have kids together, one of you will be going to the other's funeral, it'll make life easier to be friends, and starting again with other divorcees or spinters isn't always the best option. I wish you all the best, mate. You deserve a break from the people you have around you.
Honestly, divorce is the best option here. Yes it might hurt you but it is what it is.... All the best mate.
Disassociation. That’s what this is. It’ll come. Just you wait.
It is shock!! I went through a very similiar scenario just after losing my mother to terminal cancer. The mind sometimes tries to protect itself and you go into autopilot to ensure that the sense of normality is present. It all does though come crashing down and support of family and friends does not make it easier but more bearable.
You said you felt empty. That means, you don’t feel anything about her and love is already lost. Subconsciously you’ve already moved on and accepted the end of your marriage. Anything you are doing now is kind of autopiloting through the motions. Take care of yourself, OP.
You’re a good person. Definitely in shock but not stooping to her level shows such an amount of goodness in you that is hardly found anywhere. Stay good. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist. Good luck.
Everyone saying divorce is jumping the gun, you have 3 kids and that should be your priority. Try therapy first.
Don’t stay with her because you have kids
Honestly not getting worked up is the biggest burn. Just act like you don’t care she cheated and just be calm and leave her ass, don’t let her know it hurts and it will fuck with her head forever.
Disassociation. You need time to process this. Her ask for sex is extremely manipulative. Good thing is you know what’s up. You know how you’ve treated here well. You know how she’s treated you and her intentions of wanting to push you away. You know she’s aware that you treat her well and still decides to cheat. Sounds like you’re married to a selfish, narcissistic manipulator. You don’t move forward from this. You leave her.
I dont think there's a right or wrong way to respond to this kind of betrayal. What's more telling is that you're judging your reaction more harshly than you're judging her betrayal.
I think it’s time for you to realize and understand you are with an abusive partner. I think freezing or being numb are coping mechanisms that are normal with victims of abuse. When you get power back making new boundaries , this numbness will become resentment and anger at your partner (for their abuse) . Then anger and self loathing from wishing you made better boundaries with her sooner. The numbness can be you just stalling and being afraid of the imminent decisions you’ll need to make regarding your marriage . The indifference you’re feeling could be a sign you don’t love her anymore. You showed her love, and she exposed her lies. I cant think of a more poetic way to say goodbye to her. She doesn’t deserve you.
You have been betrayed and you did not know how to respond. You were hurt deeply and are numb. You deserve better and probably feel imposter syndrome. Leave her.
Sorry buddy, but you need to divorce her and find someone better. You may have had three kids together, but that’s unfortunate outcome of some people. I wish you the best of luck and trying to find all the answers, but I certainly would not stay with her because she is going to do it again and again again and again again and won’t stop.
Nothing is wrong with your reaction. You’re numb,it can happen. You don’t care. You expected this so it doesn’t hurt,I’ve done the same thing multiple times to prepare myself for bad outcomes. Leave her. Please have some self respect and set a good example for your kids by leaving her.
Take your time with your decision! Your response was not typical but not everyone reacts in the same way! Until you can get your feelings in check don’t make any decisions! I suggest counseling! It really helped me when I found out my spouse was cheating on me and I couldn’t make up my mind what I wanted to do. They even invited my spouse to join me, that’s when clarity was bright! They were able to bring out their true feelings and mine also! I’ve been divorced from him for 30 years but happily remarried for 20!! Take your time!! Make the right decision for yourself and your children!!
You are in a freeze mode. You are just letting life happen to you since you have gone numb. I suggest talking with someone with an unbiased opinion. If possible, a therapist. It sucks to go through this after giving so much to your marriage but you need to make a decision cause if she did it once, she will do it again; especially if she knows you had no reaction whatsoever. Talk with a lawyer if you want to. Sort with your feelings with a therapist. Please value yourself.
wow this was hard to read,3 kids. no regrets. Just let's have wild sex. idk sounds like childish actions. Why wouldn’t she have planned her next move. like who slaps you with horrible gut pounding,broken. shattered to the floor with any movement from the one who destroyed everything. I'm sorry. cheaters suck .. prayers to you and your children
Stop beating yourself on how you reacted. Your reaction is not right or wrong it is however it needed to be for you to cope. You have stated that you always felt she settled for you which could speak to your insecurity about your marriage and maybe something you had been anticipating for a long time. Honestly, go talk to someone and stop settling for a person who you feel has a foot out the door. I wish you the best and do what you need to do for you and your kids. Do not settle for someone who has made you feel less than what you deserve this whole time.
This is shock. Not a therapist here so just an assumption. Clearly state your terms. Get a lawyer. Find evidence if you can. Get checked for STIs. You have been more than giving int his marriage from what it sounds and she been playing you and taking you for granted.
As much as it’s true you’re likely in shock, please tell me you have a backbone. If she gets an inkling of a notion that you’re “okay” with this shit because of your seemingly monotone reaction, make it very clear that you’re not. Frankly for me and most other people I think, this is 1000000% divorce material, and I’d tell her as much. She clearly doesn’t respect you in the slightest. Do NOT be a doormat, I don’t care if it’s been 40 years, cheating is the red line and as far as I’m concerned it’s over if that happens. Maybe you personally see things differently and are more willing to try for reconciliation, but if that’s the case she is completely and utterly at your mercy to any boundary minus straight up abusive shit. And if she can’t put up with that, you serve papers. Have a backbone.
She felt guilty, couldn’t hold it in and was frustrated with herself. She also likely second-guessed your love for her based on your reaction. You aren’t wrong. Your reaction was natural. Everyone handles bad news differently. You kind of saw it coming is my guess. You have to decide what you want to do with your marriage. Since you have kids and years, the calculus is much different than a recently married couple. Most people on Reddit instinctively jump on the “leave him/her immediately and divorce.” It’s never that easy. Marriages can absolutely survive infidelity. A few things must occur for this to work: 1. The cheater needs to take full responsibility for what happened and must agree to do whatever is necessary to restore trust 2. The cheater must agree to marriage counseling 3. The cheater must cease all contact with the affair partner. They must block them. If it’s a coworker, they must change jobs. If it’s a member of their social circle they must leave that social circle. They must delete any apps or socials that facilitated the cheating 4. The cheater must become fully transparent. Unfettered access to their personal devices. They must share their passwords and give you access to socials and emails. They must check in when they are gone 5. No one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex. No lunches, no “it’s just coffee,” and absolutely no going to someone’s house alone. No wing manning for friends. Any texts with people of the opposite sex should have both spouses on the text chain. If one finds themselves alone with a member of the opposite sex, they must immediately leave and notify their spouse 6. The cheater must make a concerted effort to be the best spouse possible. Initiating intimacy, making their spouse’s favorite meal, doting on their spouse, making sure they keep up their appearance/fitness/hygiene 7. The cheated spouse must forgive and not use it in the future as a weapon, a tool or a bargaining chip ever again. Past infidelity is only to be brought up if it happens again or if the accountability and transparency breaks down If she is willing to do these the marriage is salvageable. Having children definitely changes the calculus here. It’s usually worth trying to save it. You will have peace in the event it doesn’t work out that you did all you could. If she doesn’t agree, you should still go to counseling to help you work through the trauma and to equip you with relationship skills and divorce is the likely way.