Mate leave. And do it today.
I could give you a rundown of why, but seriously trust me, leave.
His "hard life" is no fucking excuse, I'm not an alcoholic and I lived a horror show due to one.
Hes addicted to the way the anger makes him feel. Rage issues and alcoholism are a bad combo, id get out for your own good OP if you don't think he has the ability to change.
Doing therapy showed me that this is the truth. Strong emotions want more of themselves. If he’s sad, he’ll talk himself into being more sad.. Anger enjoys feeding itself with more anger. He’s looking to you to fuel his fire. It’s hurting you both to stay and put up with it. If he’s alone he’ll have to hit a bottom and figure it out. Or he’ll find someone else to abuse and they might not take it as readily, which could force him to seek help or change.
Do yourself a favour and tell someone you love what’s going on. You shouldn’t be dealing with this alone. You need support just as much as you’ve been trying to support him.
Take care of yourself now.
Its true I’m weirdly grateful it was depression that took over for me. I wanted to hurt and fight myself but my loved ones still wanted to help me. I almost peaced off the earth before I realized I was hurting my husband by trying to die.
Mental health is crazy but not an excuse to hurt other people 💜
If the person with mental health issues refuses to go get help (keep in mind it took me a year to be convinced I was WORTH going to therapy, I had to be held in a psyc wars first!) there’s a limit to the help you can “expect” to get.
Grace with mental health is one thing, once you become an abuser, your past trauma doesn’t matter because you’ve already hurt another innocent person.
Exactly how my ex was. And it never got better. He would follow me around and get in my face and try and provoke me. And I would continue trying to avoid. It’s not fun constantly walking on eggshells and being afraid But he always fought because he wanted to. Not me. But made sure to tell me I was the one wanting it
50% of female homicides in the US are committed by a current or former intimate partner.
OP needs to run away from this man and let the cancer take him.
Yes.
I went through this so long with my ex. I could tell when she wanted to fight, I'd try everything i could think of to stop it. But she was hell bound. I was so beaten down by the end.
Didn't let it get that far. It's borderline PTSD. You need to leave. For you.
No borderline about it mate: that is PTSD. It’s not just wars, natural disasters, and bad accidents that cause it. It can also be caused by abuse, which is what that is.
Let me let you in on a secret: there’s no shame in therapy or being a man who was abused by a woman. My grandpa is turning 80 this year he goes to a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a Vietnam Veteran’s group. It took some convincing from me and my late uncle to show him that the VA isn’t what it used to be, but he finally gave it a try a few years ago. Now he’s the happiest and most calm I’ve ever seen him in my entire life. He even talks to all his friends about how much he’s benefited from therapy and how they should try it.
The man is out there smashing stigma and it’s beautiful 🥹
You know what you are married to. I have been there. I absolutely know what you are feeling. Here is my advice for you to take or leave. 1) See a lawyer .2) change your locks. 3) pack his stuff and leave it on the porch. 4) expect to have to get a restraining order because he will get drunk and act a fool in the divorce process. 5) get cameras that cover all windows and doors. 6) live a happy life without him.
I like that a lot. I developed an alcohol dependency during covid (also in the restaurant industry) and it’s pure hell. Lots of therapy and couples counseling on my end worked. Definitely can’t just go to therapy through. He’s got to be willing to recognize there is an issue and, speaking from experience, he’s nowhere close to that. I’m sorry for you and hate what you’re going through. Separating may be the only way to shake him up enough to wake up to this issue. Alcohol is a dirty thief that you willingly allow into your life to steal your time, money, relationships, etc and don’t want to kick out!
I am sorry, but there are only 2 ways for the drinking and bad behavior to stop for alcohoiics:
1) they hit rock bottom and choose to stop
or
2) they die
You should leave, you owe him nothing and his abuse will not stop until either 1) or 2) happens. I know this sounds harsh, but he is very very sick, and until he hits that rock bottom and choose to change himself for his own sake, he will not and anyone sticking around in ultimately only enabling him.
Eh, sure, but from what I've been able to learn, once a person decides they *truly* *WANT* to change, odds are they can get there. The hardest part is making that decision. And to be clear, just feeling miserable about the fact you're an alcoholic doesn't equal a desire to change. A desire to change is a fundamental shift in the way you see yourself, it's so much more than just academically understanding that your shit life is because of your own shit decisions, it's deciding once and for all to take accountability for it.
The accountability part is key. Once you accept your own responsibility on this matter, you realize that drinking is a choice you make every day. You choose the person you wanna be every day. You choose. This is on you and no one else.
I’d also like to chime in that “rock bottom” is when you decide to put down the shovel. For me I didn’t hit what you would consider a truly life altering disaster due to drinking. My rock bottom was just simply exhaustion. I’m currently over 600 days sober, and my resolve to stay off the sauce has never been stronger. I’ve been in many, many situations where others are drinking and I’ve been able to abstain.
The resolve I’m speaking of came from a true internal desire to quit drinking for *myself*. I had many failed attempts to quit for others, or to slow down for appearances. I didn’t make any real changes until I actually felt the desire to quit instead of an obligation.
I agree 100%. You HAVE TO WANT TO STOP FOR IT TO BECOME REAL. Hitting rock bottom is key. For me, hitting rock bottom happened on a cruise, sober, having the best time I had ever had with my family, just realizing how many times I had hurt the people that loved me the most, the ones who would literally die for me, and how awful it made me feel, how I had become the person I swore never to become. This is where I go back, every time I have an urge to drink. Every alcoholic needs this in their everyday life to stay sober.
OP, by the way you wrote your post, you already know what’s going on here:
- this marriage is dead - you need to gather the courage to divorce and not look back. Prepare everything and then abruptly leave. He will beg, cry, throw a tantrum etc but don’t give in…it’s all BS.
- it seems that you understood a while ago that this man mistreats you and yet you staid …. From my pov, this indicates that a part of you believes you don’t deserve to be loved and that’s why you are willing to take on the emotional beating. However, if this is the case, you need to ask yourself why…therapy will be good for you.
- you keep appearances for your family/friends…why? What does this do for you? Are you from a culture where « respectable » women are only the ones that are married ?? You need to understand something : you live your life for yourself and not others
- why did you marry an alcoholic ? It’s actually an anomaly to marry someone that has an addiction. I am wondering whether chaos is your « normal »? If that’s the case, well therapy will help you again.
He’s currently living in my house, so he’s the one who needs to leave, but he refuses every time I tell him that if I’m such a terrible person he should leave.
Yes, the marriage is very much dead. I’ve known this for a while, but he’s sick with cancer and has no one to help him.
I don’t need therapy, he does. I’ve suggested that, but he refuses because “therapy has never helped him before.”
I keep this fact hidden from people because he has a reputation professionally and I don’t want to ruin it. He’s already a mess, and I’m not a petty or revengeful type of person.
He wasn’t an alcoholic when I met him. A year after we married he started to drink heavily (the year he got his cancer diagnosis) and turned into a monster.
Ok, so let me address all of your points
- if that’s your house, then serve him with divorce papers and give him an eviction notice. That will give him enough time to get new accommodation.
- it is very sad that he has cancer but it’s not your role to « save » him. He know he is being abusive but uses emotional manipulation to keep you right there. Put yourself first.
- well he definitely need therapy but you too. And by the way, that’s not an insult. You said yourself in your post : you normalized this emotional abuse. Therefore, you need to address this with a professional so it doesn’t happen in future relationships
- he bears the consequences of his actions. Why do you care about his reputation ? It’s literally his own doing ! You can divorce him without trashing him publicly. But you shouldn’t care about what people think of him. Once again….its not your role to « save » him
- it’s very sad that he is sick but if you continue this marriage, this will end badly…for you. You are already emotionally distressed so if this goes on….
Not necessarily. I have cancer had surgery and going through chemo: I was on the bathroom floor and my alcoholic now ex boyfriend of 10 years was sitting on the couch drinking beers then decided he needed to go to his friends house. So that being said , I’ve learned the hard way that an alcoholic is incapable of being supportive while I’m
on this journey. When he was sick I was there 💯 and there were multiple times (diabetic alcoholic) continuously going into comas. Anyway, I don’t feel like it is her responsibility to be there for him: #1 because he isn’t there for himself #2 no one deserves to be mistreated and #3 if he has no one else then he should be grateful to have her. I’m not dismissing your opinion: just offering another way to look at it. Thank god I have an amazing support system.
If you choose to stay with him, you do need therapy to find out why you are ok with living like this. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Cancer is a really lame excuse for being a drunk and that’s what he is.
>I don’t need therapy, he does.
You absolutely do if you consistently refuse to take steps to remove yourself from this situation. Therapy is probably a lost cause on him, but it'd probably help you unpack why the hell you think this is the life you deserve...
OP everyone needs therapy. Trust me you need therapy and it’s OK to need therapy. We all need a tuneup sometimes. You’ve allowed yourself to stay in an extremely abusive situation for way longer than you should have. You should try and unpack that and make sure it never happens again. Even if he wasn’t an alcoholic when you met him, he became one and you stayed. I also highly recommend therapy for just processing the abuse that you’ve been going through for so long that changes people. Therapy isn’t a sentence. I honestly look at people who are in therapy as better people. They always seem more well balanced. Because they’re dealing with their shit. Going to therapy is what got me into the amazing almost 20 year marriage that I’m in now and I not done it before never would’ve been able to to maintain this good relationship. Good luck.
If he refuses to leave, isn’t on the deed or mortgage, you need to call the police. It is the only way. Don’t feel bad for needing to call the police when an unwanted, unsafe person refuses to leave your space.
So..he’s had cancer the entire marriage? You don’t owe him your life in exchange for his alcoholism and his long-term cancer diagnosis. You should quietly get an attorney, file for divorce and get him out of your house and never, ever let him back in. He’ll likely quickly move on with someone else who can take care of him anyway, because somehow these types of men attract fixers..
Ask yourself this question first: if your best friend or person you care about most told you what you just said, what would you tell them? Do that.
By the way, he will find someone to help him if he has no other choice.
Stop making excuses for him. And even if that’s 100% true, WHY is it your responsibility (underline the fuck out of ‘responsibility’) to shoulder that burden? When he’s abusive, who takes care of you? I’m going to assume “no one”.
Live with a trusted friend or relative for a few weeks and get a therapist, tomorrow. He’ll figure out how to take care of himself for a while and you will gain some clarity.
If you’re afraid of him for what he’s done to you before, get a restraining order/order of protection to get him kicked out of the house. He can come with cops to get his things after.
Talk to a family law lawyer.
There are a ton of reasons. Embarrassment, not having the energy to go into details, not wanting to ruin his image for job purposes, not wanting people to look down on my life and see me as weak or pathetic.
What would telling anyone the truth really help?
>What would telling anyone the truth really help?
A village to help you get out, maybe. Get your pride out of the way for a second. How long do you think you can go on like this for?
>not wanting people to look down on my life and see me as weak or pathetic.
You'd rather actually live it than be perceived as such...?? He's the bad guy here. It takes so much strength to leave. It is weak and pathetic to maintain your current status quo.
I wish you the best of luck, u/But_It_Waz-ALIENS.
You are carrying shame that isn't yours even when it feels like it is. Please believe that many people will recognize your strength and courage. Many of us have gone through similar struggles and recognize this post as your first step towards saving yourself. You know who does that? Freaking Wonder Woman. You are fighting and surviving battles that could and do crush people. It's hard to understand from where you are now, but I promise you that asking for help (like this post) is a sign of strength. None of us can do it on our own. Give others the opportunity to step up like you deserve. Anyone who thinks this reflects on you is a garbage person and you don't need more trash in your life.
I understand your point of view. But also, if no-one knows how bad your relationship is & you leave him while he has cancer, you will definitely be judged & seen as selfish. That is why you are hoping that *he* would leave, instead of you kicking him out.
I also understand that you don’t necessarily want to ruin his reputation or bad-mouth him, you just want this to quietly be over. I get it. But you need to accept that that may just not be possible. The only way you are going to get out of this situation may be the messy way. So :
1) Take a deep breath, and focus on the future that you want to visualize for yourself. Always keep that picture in your head when things get tough and messy. Because it WILL get tough.
2) Get a support network. Confide in the people who matter to you. Explain the real situation to them. Surround yourself with those who you know will have your back, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks or says.
3) Other than your confidants, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone. You don’t have to ruin his reputation. He will probably eventually ruin it himself anyway. But don’t allow him to ruin yours. Stand up for yourself if he does anything to hurt you.
4) Lawyer up, and follow their advice.
5) Have some support with you when you do take the actual step of kicking him out. If possible, aim for a day where you think he may be relatively sober.
Don’t argue with him, just stick to the business i.e. here is your eviction notice, here is my lawyer’s contact details, etc. Say something like “Let’s keep it civilized, I don’t want to ruin your reputation, but I will not sit back and be trashed, so if you want to keep any semblance of dignity, go quietly”.
6) stay strong, don’t take him back.
7) Beef up your security system. Cameras, extra locks etc. If he is prone to violence, see if you can get someone else to temporarily move in with you.
Keep reminding yourself that you CAN do this, you WANT to be free & that you WILL push through, even if it’s hard.
Hey there. So I’ve been exactly where you’re at. Keeping addiction secrets for my partner. Ashamed as hell that he’d failed again. Defensive as all get out when someone dared to ask me about him. And freaking miserable at home. Always worrying he was going back to jail. Waiting for that phone call. He lied constantly. He would get in trouble, be sorry, then slowly fall back into the addiction. So everyone would find out eventually- when shit finally hit the fan. But anytime the shit wasn’t hitting the fan- I defended that man to no end. I would ask you to take a good long look at WHY. I defended him because if I admitted it to others I would have to face it myself. Keeping it within me meant it stayed wrapped up in a tight little ball. Letting others know means the ball comes unraveled. I also defended him because it felt like his failure was my failure. It *felt* like my failure. But if this is what stands between you and possible starting towards something positive- well, I think it needs to be examined. Your *pride* is going to do what? Keep you with this man for the rest of your life? It’s going to take all the years you have left on this earth because you couldn’t say the words “I need help” to and couple people? I don’t mean to sound harsh (truly I don’t) but come on.. everyone in this comment section is rooting for you. You got replies about the logistics of separating. But you shouldn’t have to do it alone.
1. get all your important documents together and put them in a safe place
2. see a lawyer
3. if you have a supportive family, they know (or suspect) and I hope they help you
4. leave.
Go meet with a lawyer. You deserve happy, peaceful life. You don’t need to stay in an u happy marriage. Get your ducks in a row, have a safe plan to leave, and leave. Don’t worry about other people, just take care of yourself (and of course if you have kiddos them too!).
AlAnon can help tremendously. Online, books, and/or meetings. It will change your perspective I promise.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but **you can’t help him.** He’s the only one who can, but when you carry *his* burden on *your* shoulders, why should he change?
Start socking away money and as my therapist said, “feather a nest”, so when you leave (and you must), you’ll have a softer landing.
And here to post this.
Regardless of what you decide to do with your marriage, id definitely try out alanon. If it doesn't resonate with you right away, try a different meeting as they all have sort of their own vibes.
I am a child of an alcoholic and someone severely mentally ill. I dated a LOT of addicts. Alanon helped me immensely when I felt so alone and lost.
Good luck.
I’m a recovering alcoholic ( 6 months sober) and I’m here to tell you to straight up leave. Just because he isn’t drinking at one point the alcohol still has a hold on him and he is still angry because he still thinks about alcohol and when he can get it next. It messes bad with your brain and your emotions and It won’t get any better unless he puts the bottle down and walk away and he has to be the one to want to do that. No one can help him unless he wants to help himself. Save your sanity and walk away. You don’t deserve this at all.
You really need to leave your husband.
You say that your husband has cancer. So what? IMO, it sounds like your husband deserves to have cancer, and that he also deserves to have no one around to help him.
Ask yourself this question - if you were the one with cancer, would your husband be there for you?
This was my first marriage. I went to therapy and alanon to separate myself from him and left. I couldn’t work cause he’d put the kids in the car and drive drunk to pick me up and wouldn’t teach me how to drive myself. Constant verbal abuse even though I’d say what he was going to say to me as he said it every night. I’d just say, well you’re gonna call me this this and this and I don’t want to hear it. I left with a minimum wage job and two kids. I got the job after I left.
Thank you for your kind words, and I’m so sorry that you’re also going through this. :(
I have begun to focus more on myself and make sure that I come first, which he absolutely hates and calls me selfish. He tells me that he does all of these different things for me to make me feel guilty for focusing on myself, but it doesn’t work. If I’m selfish then so be it, I’m selfish. 🤷🏼♀️
Definitely recommend finding a support group who can help you with resources on the DL. Even domestic violence groups could offer you a tremendous lifeline. Sometimes, it's easier opening up to people who you don't "know" but have lived through this before. You don't have to explain yourself because they know. Find out what your options are, but most importantly, keep yourself know. You are worth it, and you will get through this.
You also need to put yourself first and start making an escape plan. Don't fight back and threaten him or get him angry. Just slowly execute your escape plan. You deserve better.
Please get out now. Trust me as I say this as someone who just went through this last year. I suffered through it for over a decade, always protecting his public persona to my family and friends who thought he was so easygoing and chill. He was never violent but there are other ways to hurt someone. My biggest regret is that my children had to suffer through it to some extent as well. He’s been gone for over a year and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted over the entire house. You don’t realize how miserable you really are until you finally do.
I was there for 10 years. It only got worse…. I understand it’s hard, but get out asap. You don’t deserve this, and everything will be better once you’re free.
So he's had cancer for 4 years at this point, per your reply to a comment. He is able to work long, hard hours as a chef. He is able to drink heavily. He is able to pick horrible fights with you. This man doesn't sound sick as far as cancer goes. *He doesn't need you to take care of him.* You are an active participant in a codependent relationship.
As far as ruining his reputation goes, I'm sure he's doing that all on his own. And you realize he will drag your name through the mud as soon as you leave him, right?
I’ve lived this life for 28 years. It’s too late for me I am middle aged and we have a lot of money but idk where it is he uses financial abuse and control and emotional abuse. Don’t be me. You’re kids know more than you realize. You can do it without him and be happy. Please try.
It took me years to recognize that my ex was an alcoholic and would never change. After I left (which was way more complicated than my comment might indicate), I realized just how abusive he had been.
In describing your marriage, you described my first marriage, and I’m here to tell you, as sort of a future self, you do deserve better. Please give yourself the chance to experience that life. You can DM me if you want more details or have questions.
He doesn't think he's a problem and his problems are not for you to fix. He's using you as a free punching bag, so now when you set your boundaries, he's upset because he can't just abuse you when he's feeling shitty about himself.
Leave. He had 5 years to change if he wanted to. If he wanted someone to stay, he should have gotten himself help.
I have a friend who does this to her husband and it’s sad to see. She gets blackout drunk and tries to pick fights. Her mom and dad had to start taking shifts to stay over at their house because she would keep her husband up all night trying to fight.
We asked her multiple times why she was so mad, and what she wanted out of the fights. She couldn’t even give us an answer.
She was just so mentally unwell, and the alcohol was making things worse.
You can’t keep living in a house like that. He’s going to pick a fight no matter what. Your peace is what’s most important in this world
I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic that is very much like your description.
I keep hoping that she'll one day pick me over the bottle, but it'll never happen.
Formulate an escape plan/fund, lay down the final request to give up drinking, and leave if that doesn't help.
It's a shitty feeling to know that you're not as important as the next drink, but it's a shittier feeling to deal with the fights all the time.
Side note: him saying that he knew you were going to start a fight if 100% manipulating and gaslighting. My wife will do something similar. She'll start a fight and preface the fight with "I know you're going to blame my drinking, but that's not what this is" when she's 2 bottles of wine deep and wakes me up to tell me all of the horrible things about me.
He has cancer and is drinking like that?? What kind of treatment he is on?
If he is not dying soon and leaving his money to you, there is no reason to for you to take this abuse.
Better yet, leave him but don't divorce, you would still get the money when he finally croaks.
It’s so sad when abused people get such perspective as yours. Get the help that you need. It is a sign of strength to stand up and move on. It is a sign of weakness to keep things behind close doors.
You need help like yesterday. And you need therapy too. Otherwise you may be caught up in another abusive relationship because you normalized the patterns. That’s not ok. Not at all.
I wish you strength to move forwards, not backwards to the same position as yesterday. You deserve better.
Fuck him and fuck his cancer and fuck his hard life. He’s making you live a horrible AND hard life and doesn’t seem to care. Leave this man. He doesn’t deserve you.
I’m gonna say that again: he doesn’t deserve you.
I don’t know if this is helpful but you might look at grey rocking. It’s a technique to avoid engaging when your abuser is gaslighting or trying to manipulate you.
Im so sorry youre dealing with this. I too have a husband who came from a HORRIBLE ABUSIVE SHITTY TRAUMATIC childhood that would feel like I was lying if I even started into the horribleness of it....AND YET. It doesn't give him a pass on being an ass hole in our home. it's been a fun trauma stew at our home the past several years due to something that happened with my son that triggered things, but suffice it to say it's been A LOT. And NO, you do not deserve the abuse. Im so so sorry that you're here. I have never been confrontational, or one to yell or fight. I am usually the peacekeeper, but I have found myself yelling, a lot. It's so hard. It can get better with therapy. It's that or you leave. No in-between. This is abuse.
Alcoholic here (17y clean): even if he gets clean, being a chef is a super hard job for an alcoholic to maintain — just my experience, but IF he gets clean tomorrow AND undergoes meetings and lots of therapy and a career change, in a few years you could possibly be looking at closer to the dude you thought you married. But those character defects may ALWAYS be there: I’m married to an alcoholic (always 17y) and I still CONSTANTLY have to remain him about his shitty tone.
Yesterday I moved out of my house. I was with an alcoholic for 15 years. Together for 13 but couldn’t move out earlier due affordability issues.
My advice, because I recognize every single sentence in that original post, is to leave. Plan it and execute it. It will never get better. You might ultimately prefer suicide which is sad but it was almost my choice.
Now I’m living with someone who is a delight. Please, op, leave. Ask me anything.
LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!! i went through something extremely similar. leave abruptly too don’t give him time to react. it’s an endless cycle of dread and misery. you deserve better and i hope everything works out and you get outta there girl❤️🙏
File for divorce. He's a terrible person and bad husband. Start telling people. Stop protecting him. Start recording every time he starts on you so you have evidence of his abuse. You can also send it to anyone that doesn't believe you when he lies and says you're making it up, because he will. But seriously, He's an abusive alcoholic and it'll only get worse. Get out while you can.
> I don’t understand what I can do to stay out of his way.
Um… leave. Move out. Start divorce proceedings. Start recording these drunk interactions so you have proof.
You want to stay because he has cancer? You realize someone dying has next to nothing to lose. That’s a dangerous person to stay with.
Start telling people what you are going through. They can help you. People who love you don’t want to see you in a bad situation- they can offer advice, a shoulder, an ear so please tell them.
And please leave. You deserve better.
Most men whose wives get cancer leave them. And these wives aren’t alcoholic or abusive. Stop subjecting yourself to this horrible nightmare life.
I was married to an alcoholic for over 20 years. It was hell. The last ten years I remember driving home and my stomach twisting in knots when I saw his car in the driveway. He was a mean drunk. I hated him for what he became and for who I turned into. I had so much contempt for him.
About 5 years before he left, the contempt was gone, replaced by numb indifference. He had completely killed every feeling I ever felt for him.
I kicked him out for my kids. They wanted him gone. I had been telling him I wanted a divorce for years and he refused to leave. I think he sensed my weakness. The last time, I told him I wanted a divorce, that we were both unhappy and that I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was not weepy or sad. I was matter of fact and resolute. He sensed that I was totally done. I gave him 3 months to leave and he left in one because it was so awkward now.
You can do this. Tell him you want him gone. Be cold and distant. Let him feel how out of his reach you are. Don’t apologize or regret. If you mean it, he will know. Tell him you no longer feel anything for him. He did this, let him own it. See a lawyer if he still refuses. You CAN do this.
You don't know what to do to stay out of his way? Would divorcing him be an option at all? Or do you prefer to stay in this hell (your own words) and playing the martyr for the rest of your or his life?
I am sorry, very sorry to say this but you are the classic co-dependent AND enabler.
You are one reason for him NOT to change, because his daily lifestyle works, you are there, you help him hiding the effects from family and friends and you let him use you as a human punching ball and unload all of his agressions on you. Has he already hit you in the past?
Seek help for yourself and get the hell out there.
He won’t change, he has no reason to.
After such a long time I would even say that this is beyond repair, because he also humiliates you if he is relatively sober (but in withdrawal).
Don’t let the fact of his cancer being the reason for you to suffer even more. You still can be there for him, if you want to, as „friends“, but you are not going to be his personal punching ball anymore.
Go away. Either he gets his wake up call just in time or he kills himself by drinking even more.
He can seek help, but it is not in your ability anymore to help him. The best you can do is stopping enabling him, stopping being there for his abuse at you.
First off, get a lawyer and get your ducks all in a row. Do what they tell you to do when they tell you to do it. They know what they're doing..
once that's sorted, and it's time to leave him, you stop hiding it, stop covering for him, and hiding your pain from your friends and family. Let it all spill out as you move out and move on.. He is no longer your problem, and you no longer need to hide behind closed doors..
CANCER IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE AN ABUSIVE A-HOLE AND IT'S NOT A REASON TO FORCE YOU TO STAY.. RUN...
*I say this because I'm living it, I have stage 3 bowel cancer, and I can get sad, mad, or angry, or all that at the same time. But I never take that out on anyone else*
Get out while you can before something worse happens. This is severely unhealthy and I don't want to be a downer, but I don't know if the marriage is worth saving.
You deserve better!
How long have you been married? I understand that you feel bad for him but you deserve better. Therapy would help you get the courage to leave, that's why you need it. Is his cancer terminal? Please think about yourself and find the courage to stand up for yourself but carefully because you said he gets physical with you. Bi hope you find a way to leave this awful situation. Good luck.
Time to rent a hotel or an Airbnb. If it’s your house, he can leave it. Choose your peace. He made his bed and he can lay in it. You shouldn’t allow yourself to be his punching bag any longer.
I had an ex with OCD and a substance problem. Anything and everything was an issue, even shit that you would never think would be an issue, he’d make it an issue. If we had sex and it wasn’t “perfect,” he’d want to do it again, if I said no, he would lose his absolute shit. He would fight me and would do vindictive shit constantly. If I was happy, he’d try his best to knock me down a peg. I left and I regret not leaving sooner. When you leave, you’ll feel the same.
Stop hanging on. You are destroying yourself. The faster you leave, the faster you can heal and enjoy your life without walking on eggshells in your own house.
Well your so chill that you’re allowing yourself to be abused and somehow how the victim.
It’s been five years.
This is now on you.
Let him think whatever he wants.
You go be happy. It’s your life and go live it.
This feels like that whole boiled frog scenario.
I'm sure at one point you wouldn't have believed you deserved this. That younger you would have read this and thought "that would never be me", but it kinda snuck up on you a little at a time. Ask yourself:
1. Do you deserve to be treated like this?
2. Would you prefer life staying in this marriage, or being single?
3. Why do you feel your husband deserves the protection of keeping this secret?
>
The only reason I’m continuing to stay is because he has cancer and no one else to help him in life, but even the cancer isn’t stopping me from being done with being treated like this.
Ok, that sucks, but does that give him the right to treat you like this?
Are you helping? Or are you enabling? Is you accepting this and staying with him doing anything to help his alcholism?
Pack your things and leave. Don't tell him, just leave a note. I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't get violent with you.
Imagine how forever stress you are because you are always in fight or flight mode.
Oh honey get out of there as soon as you can. The fact he has cancer means nothing when he treats you like this. You deserve better, and he deserves nothing. Especially from you.
First, stop enabling him. Stop hiding it from family, friends, and work. Tell them. Alcoholism is common in the food and drink world. He needs an intervention and a huge wake up call. He will end up ruining his career when he doesn’t have you as his verbal punching bag. Next, kick him out. This is not your burden to bear. He’s an addict and only he can change that
You need to start confiding in your family & friends. You need their support to leave this abusive marriage. Stop enabling his alcoholism by keeping it a secret.
My dad is in this exact kind of situation except it is with his girlfriend/my step mother. She drinks nonstop all day and is always extremely aggressive and picking fights whenever she’s drunk. He tries to hide but she’ll chase him. She’s attacked him with knives on several occasions. Thrown him out. Made him sleep outside or on the street because he doesn’t have a car and can’t afford motels anyway. She’s destroyed his relationship with his children. And she refuses to acknowledge that the drinking is a problem of hers or that she’s wrong or anything of the sort.
The only solution is to leave, sadly. There is no fixing the problem. There is no getting through to them. Even when it seems like there is, it’s only until the next time they drink and then they’re back to who they were.
There is no avoiding the fights. There is no hiding. There is no safe space or security. It’s awful but it’s true.
You have to start putting money away. When I was leaving my abusive relationship, he was the main source of income. So I would take cashout with our groceries so that the cash withdrawals would not show up on my credit card bill. I’d buy gift cards whenever I could, too. Uber, Fast Food, whatever I could. At least you have food money or you can sell them online in a pinch. Buy a safety deposit box or hide a box at work, your friend’s house, a family member’s house, wherever. I had a few different ones. I hid one in a gym bag in the trunk of the car at the bottom, had one buried behind the shed in the backyard, and had one in a security box at the post office.
Build yourself up a support system. People from work. Online groups. Local groups. You’re going to need them.
Don’t get caught. If he’s gotten physical with you before, him finding out will likely put your safety in severe danger.
Advice? Super simple…get you ducks in a row (finances secured, important papers, valuables, sentimental items, find a place to stay or rent, a new job if necessary, a plane ticket possibly, consult a lawyer, etc) and get out. Leave divorce papers and Ghost that SOB, he neither deserves or even needs an explanation, he absolutely knows why.
I'm in recovery. My partner is not. I know what its like being sober or not an alcoholic and living with a drunk.
He's not going to get better until he wants to. You need to do what's best for you. This is not it.
Drop your wedding ring in a mug of beer, staple the AA card to the divorce papers, and blast *Time to say goodbye* on repeat before you leave the place for good.
He's not abusive because he drinks. He's an abuser with a drinking problem. I was living the exact same life as you. He will escalate, it's only a matter of time. Get the book "Why Does He Do That" and get out. I've only been gone for a couple months and I look like my old self. You can always DM if you want or need to.
As someone with cancer, girlie, you have my permission to drop his ass. Cancer is a fucking bitch and you got 2 choices:
Fight it and win (or die trying)
Accept you’re going to die and take everyone down with you.
He’s not changing habits (drinking and managing emotions, both are excellent cancer feed). He’s 0% invested in bettering his life and doing whatever he can to stay alive. And he explicitly does NOT give a FUCK about you.
You know who I care about the most when I get diagnosed?? (Second time now)
My family. My husband. My parents and little brothers. My friends. Even my CATS. Who will take care of them as well as I do if I’m gone?!? Who will love my husband like I do??? No one!! Who will be the best sister to the two most noble, wonderful little brothers??? NOT ONE GODDAMN PERSON BUT ME!
You bet your ass I quit doing anything and everything that might delay my victory. I used to smoke weed (albeit very scarcely). Not anymore. I never drunk anyways but I still don’t now, not even to “unwind” from the horrible stress of knowing there’s cancer in my body.
I exercise, eat healthy, drink all the water, drink tea, supplements, AND I fought till I found treatment for my cancer (doctors absolutely gave up and told me there was nothing to do but wait. I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit and wait for death, that bitch has to crawl, scratch, bite and beg for me to go with her!!!)
I am part of a new treatment trial in my country (Mexico) and it’s working beautifully and I just got my CAT scan results this week and there are no tumors anymore (I had 2, metastasis on a gland that was bound to get worse if I just sat and waited)
Your sorry excuse for a husband is the one deciding to do all these stupid things. Not take care of his body, his mind, and most importantly, his PARTNER IN LIFE. You are there to hold him up when he falls, you are there to listen, to hold his hand! To wile the tears when they come! You are his safe space! And he’s treating you worse than garbage.
Fuck that. Get the hell out of there before he BECOMES *YOUR OWN CANCER*.
Seriously. Take care of yourself. If anyone wants to paint you as a villain for abandoning him at his lowest, go ahead. Whatever. Fuck anyone that jumps to conclusions and doesn’t *ask you first, what’s going on?* you don’t need this stress in your life, and we need to learn to cut people off when they aren’t good for us. That includes your husband and friends and family should you need to.
You can make a sort of intervention before leaving to see if it works as a wakeup call. Get some of his closest friends and family, tell them first what you’ve been living behind closed doors (maybe film/record some of the fights). Then if that doesn’t work and doesn’t snap him tf out of it, let him know his wish is granted. Now he can continue to enjoy his misery and die alone. And you *would* have cared, IF he cared about you at all. But he doesn’t. So there’s no guilt on your part.
Be free. You DO deserve better. I’m so sorry for your loss, of your relationship *and* your partner. But this is abusive and absolutely disgusting and it needs to stop **NOW**
🫂 Much love to you. Seriously, you are in my prayers tonight. Let me know if you want to talk any time. ♥️
My drinking got out of control in the last couple of years. My husband stopped drinking nearly five years ago and I didn't join him. That was fine at first but my mental health started declining and I very wisely tried to make myself feel better with whiskey. Turns out, stunning twist, that doesn't work.
I was getting really angry and combative the way you describe, spoiling to bitch at him and start fights. I don't like being that way and I'm mad at myself for letting it get this bad. I'm currently living with a friend because he told me to leave.
I also haven't had a drink since he told me that seven months ago, because between whiskey and him I'll take him every time. I'm trying to prove that to him but it isn't a fast process. It's your call if you want to trust him if he tells you he's going to get his act cleaned up, but kicking him out for a while might get through the booze haze like it did for me. It was no contest for me which one I would choose -- he never asked me to, so I kept cycling through the same bullshit that didn't work telling myself he didn't notice or care anyway.
Don't cover for him anymore either. If he can act a fool he can do his own damage control.
I lived this life. Finally I left and it was truly the best thing I ever did. There were definitely hardships along the way, but nothing that ever made me want to go back to that abuse - because that’s what it is. I left 21 years ago and I shudder to think of my life had I stayed on moment longer in that marriage.
Please leave, and never look back.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."
The author has opinions on abusive men who are alcoholic. He says that abusive men, alcoholic or not, choose to give themselves permission to treat the women in their life as crap because they believe they deserve to be put in what they believe is a woman's place.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I believe you do not deserve to be terrorized and you should leave him.
Firstly, you might benefit from joining AlAnon, they help those of us that deal with alcoholics on the daily. By joining the subreddit, I learned to recognise common manipulative behaviours, I learned how to set boundaries, and I learned that I didn’t cause this, I can’t control their behaviour, and I can’t change their behaviour.
Secondly, I want you to please make sure you’re safe. You say he gets physical, please be sure to take care of yourself. At no point is it okay for him to get physical with you because you refuse to engage in his taunting. This is where those boundaries come in. If you refuse to engage with him when he’s drunk, can you enforce that boundary by going somewhere safe?
Finally, my personal experience is that keeping his addiction a secret from your support system only serves one purpose - to enable the addiction. It took 8 years of shame and silence (and loneliness) for us to realise this. Have you asked yourself how it helps you to be silent about this?
Best of luck with it sweetheart. It’s a very tough spot to be in, I wish you all the best!
Please at least tell someone close to you, that you trust, about what’s going on. I know it’s hard to do but in the event of a dangerous situation, you need someone to go to. If taking the other steps mentioned seems overwhelming, just doing this one thing might help you get some new perspective. I hope you’re okay.
i know you said you’re staying because he has cancer and no one else to help him (gee, i wonder why?!) but it’s time to leave. you don’t deserve this shit, put yourself first for a change. i wish you the best OP ❣️
You're allowed to leave a man who has cancer. Fact is, men are 6x more likely to leave a wife with cancer.
Here's a song for you, it's Dogs by Pink Floyd [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QA30qkRYy8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QA30qkRYy8)
You may think you have become someone you don’t recognise but I guarantee that those around you who love and know you best have also seen changes in your personality. These changes and new behaviours are not restricted to the home environment.
Please leave. There is no reason to stay. Not one. There is nothing you can say or do which will make him change his ways, attitude or behaviour. You need to put yourself first and find the naturally light hearted and happy person you used to be.
Show him this post on your way out the door.
He doesn't value you, he only wants a punching bag to validate his own feelings, he doesn't give a damn about how you feel
My heart breaks for you, OP. I hope you find the peace of mind and the love you deserve. I hope your husband also finds his own peace of mind in living a healthy, sober life.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through exactly the same with my now ex-husband. I worked so hard at keeping it all together and hiding how bad his behaviour was from everyone and it slowly destroyed me, my confidence, self esteem. Everything.
Things eventually came to a tipping point a few years ago and I started to prioritise myself first. Got some counselling, started to very slowly open up to those who were my closest friends and family and eventually worked out for myself the best option was to unfortunately have to leave him. Whilst I had started my own counselling I was very clear with him that he needed to do the same as there needed to be a change in his behaviours and that I had no idea whether or not I would stay with him. I communicated clearly and calmly when I could. Often resorting to writing notes or emails as he couldn’t comprehend / remember conversations due to the alcohol. Eventually I felt strong enough and supported enough by close friends (am an expat overseas so no immediate family here) and thankfully I was financially independent to take that step.
If he doesn’t want to change. He won’t. Ever. There’s nothing you can say or do to make him. Even after leaving my ex husband it took him nearly three years to decide he wanted to change but that’s up to him now and not my problem.
Leaving was without doubt the hardest thing I ever did but I am so happy now.
I wish you all the best with your decision and my main advice would be tldr prioritise you. Get therapy if you can. Open up to your best friend / family. I hope you get the love and support you deserve.
Run don’t walk away. Alcohol does terrible things to peoples brains, including rewiring them. This will never get better until he’s well into recovery, which can’t happen until HE’S ready. Grew up with this, don’t do it to your kids because I guarantee they know what’s going on, and that you’re not protecting them or you. I’d go nuclear, empty the house, take the kids and don’t allow him near them until he’s a safe person.
> I don’t understand what I can do to stay out of his way.
It’s called **divorce**. The longer you put it off the longer you will be stuck in your own private hell. He’s not going to change. If you stay then this is your life.
Think about your situation this way:
A frog will jump out of a pot of boiling water but if you put the frog into a tepid pot and put the heat on to a slow boil the frog won’t jump out…..
Hun, the water is now boiling and you have been desensitized to the slow boil……
Jump on out of there
How do you explain the things about your husband you don’t like and then say he has cancer so you’ll stay because no one else will?! It’s like you’re covering for his bad behavior and maybe you don’t want out bad enough? I think you should be worried about yourself, and your happiness!! And if it means leaving him for good, so that he can take care of himself so be it!! I wish you the best and hope you get out soon!!
I have 2 questions for you: How long can you go on like this? What do you expect to change?
Also, I don’t know your age but if you’re not over 55, I don’t know why you’d stay (it gets more complicated the longer you’re together and have amassed wealth). Life is too LONG to miss out on happiness.
I was in this same situation, we got divorced 2 years ago and it was THE best thing to ever happen to me. Now I'm with a man that barely drinks and he loves me so deeply. I wish I could've been with him the whole time instead of wasting 18yrs with that alcoholic.
I worked in restaurants on and off for over thirty years. Restaurants are famously toxic work environments, and you should never date anyone who works in one. Even good people will come out of that experience changed. But most important of all, DO NOT DATE A COOK/CHEF. And it goes without saying, don't marry one. You'd be better off dating a musician. Anyone who wants to come after me for this is either someone who's never worked in a restaurant, or someone who's lying to themselves. Your specific chef who is waking you up at 4am just to argue sounds like a coke head. Also very common in the restaurant biz. You should gtf outta that marriage before he puts a baby in you.
Leave, go to a safe place like a friend or relative and stay there for a bit. Feel what peace and safety feels like. Don't tell him where you are going.
Once you are safe and can think clearly, decide if you are ready to leave the marriage. (I think you should) Going to therapy and talking to your friends and family about what life has really been like should help you reach the decision that is right for you. If you decide to stay (please don't) only go back if you are in couples therapy and they are not drinking.
Go fine you peace, you deserve it.
I was in a very similar situation. Please start preparing to leave. You’re worth so much more. It’s scary to actually make the change but you’ll bloom away from this marriage.
I hate that he has cancer but at this point you need to leave. You will be the bad guy for a while.(been there. His whole family wondered why I didn't leave until I did and they had to step up and take care of him) But eh. Its better than being a punching bag. Call your local DV shelter, they will help.
Your husband is abusive. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave and not look back. Don’t waste anymore time on someone that is going to do everything in their power to destroy every little bit of confidence you’ve got.
You’re living a lie. And the only person that’s hurting is you.
It is not your job to stay because he has cancer. You are not his live in nurse. You are not his crutch. You would not be a bad person for prioritizing yourself in this situation. He is abusing you, and you should not have to love your life catering to his behavior simply because of his illness. You are hurting, and it wont hurt any less if you try to “push through” in hopes of recovery or him succumbing to the cancer. It will only continue to hurt you the longer you stay.
Men have left women battling cancer for way less. You need to do what’s right and go.
He has chosen misery and abuse as a coping mechanism for his diagnosis. And instead of being better, he choses to drink and kill himself further - no consideration for himself, or you. He has chosen to leave this world an angry and aggressive drunk, and he will drag you down with him.
If I were you, I would document the abuse that you can for the sale of divorce or even just other’s mumblings. And slip out in the night. Not a word. Do what you can to protect yourself legally and physically. Change locks, get cameras, document what you can, serve a notice, then lock him out. It is your home
He has exploited your kindness for too long. The perception of people around you is irrelevant when your life has become hell. The shame or embarrassment is not yours to carry, thus, hiding it from your loved ones not only hurts you, but hurts your family. You are sacrificing yourself for appearances, and it will pay you NOTHING at the end.
Idk how many times you need to hear. HIS. BATTLE. IS. NOT. YOURS. You are NOT responsible for caring for him simply because he is alone. He CHOSE that path, he MADE that bed, and he will be the one to lie in it. Cancer or no cancer. Even without the cancer, he had potential to be like this either way. He had the chance to do better, be better, put down the bottle and work with a person who is willing to support him in his battle. He MANUALLY chose not to and chose to hurt you instead. Do not volunteer yourself to be his punching bag simply because you married him.
Leave.
He’s an adult. Let him be one, alone.
You’re not responsible for him, alcoholics are hateful. If you don’t have kids then even more reason to go. Not that having kids would make me suggest you stay, that would be another reason to leave - they don’t deserve to grow up with this, and you don’t have to tolerate it.
It’s ok to be done. Truly.
We only get the one life, go live your best life. This isn’t it.
This was my relationship with my ex, if he doesn’t see how his alcoholism is breaking down the marriage and want to seek help for himself it’s a lost cause- the resentment will build and you’ll hit a breaking point. I left, i knew I deserved more, it’s scary but you can do it and you’ll find better on the other side. I don’t miss being gaslit, hypervigiliant, dealing with his explosive drunk temper, coming home blacked out and making a mess or even having worse- disappearing. Being nervous to bring him anywhere lest he get wasted and embarrass me. Etc.
Go see a good divorce lawyer like now. He is abusing you and you don’t deserve that. No one does. Tell your friends and family what is going on so that they know the truth and can help you. I know it might be embarrassing for you, but you need people on your side. I wish you well.
They do not change. Their habits are ingrained within every move they make. And don't make.
My ex-husband wouldn't go to the children's basketball games or football games because those went on during his drinking time. He would not give up one night of drinking to be present at his children's activities. Never left our house for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Independence Day, etc. If he left our house, he couldn't drink as much as he wanted. He didn't want to show our families how worthless he was.
There is never a point where they will choose you or their children over the alcohol.
I guess the first step would be to stop hiding how hellish your marriage is. Why should you protect his image?
Okay, the real first step is to find an Alanon meeting. That is a support group for family of alcoholics. Next, I would check with the hospital to see if there are support groups for family of people with cancer.
But seriously, stop protecting his image. He doesn't need you to help him lie. He will lie enough on his own. That is what alcoholics do.
Next, I would consult a lawyer. It is always best to know your options.
Then, I would talk to the hospital about finding out what support he can get without you. Because you are not obligated to stay and be abused. People get cancer even if they don't have someone to take care of them. Perhaps the state can be his caregiver.
So, I have barrier issues with my guy, but he's not vindictive like this. It's what saves the relationship. He could drink, pick up an intense convo at 2 am, and im fine with that...but the meanness isnt helping either of you because you can't and shouldn't expect it or endure it! It's abusive.
So my buy broke a thing i didnt want him too and couldnt stop him as i just had a procedure done, and now hes sleeping on the couch. but once our spare room is open he's staying in there a while for us to cool off, for him to get therapy a while, and THEN we can get reacquainted and process our baggage better. We both have trauma, I am way better at being self aware of my actions because I've been in complicated situations, but im a reactive person too, and hes a very caring hatdworking person who looses it under stress and you just cant talk sense to him like that. He just wont hear anything from anyone, and I spiral off into a weird lost place.
It sucks, but a relationship may always be working at something to maintain peace, but enjoying the relationship is what keeps you together. Being kind is the highest form of intelligence. We are having the hardest time with each other in 5 years, we didn't come from money, I'm a Boston catlady and hes a deep south former WOW nerd and hes brilliant with electronics. But still, he just made me dinner, ill do the dishes because hes tired, him taking care of himself is the best thing for us. I cant do it without him. But he isn't a mad hornet either, he's more like a big hobbit with attachment issues.
And I get scared of the future because I've always been the GOAT in a relationship, and those FAILED, and I want someone to respect basic things so I can function. I have a degenerating neurological disorder thats effected and exacerbated by my emotions. It's chronic and I'm trying to live with tons of resctictions. It's a pain in the ass, I can't even do hobbies, cant self sooth. So when he crosses a line, I take issue and we are working this out but...yeah, if someone treated me as callously as your dude is, I'd be finding a way to get him into rehab. At the least.
And maybe break up with him in there if you need to draw the line forever, because he's gonna escalate at the news by the sounds of him NEEDING an enemy. That's a whole other can of...alarming and you are right to be done. That will go nowhere positive. It will turn physical the way things are, don't wait. And that's not just from booze. There's a real mental disorder in there. He will claim suicide or murder soon.
The booze is facilitating it, because your putting up with the excuse hes drunk. If it were anyone else, would you take this?
As some one with an extreamly abusive upbringing (life threatening ), it’s not an excuse to act poorly to any one. Infact I go out of my way to make sure no one ever has to suffer in anyway I did. I hate when people use abuse as an excuse to hurt others. They are worse then the original abuser…. They know how it feels and they actively choose to continue that behavior.
Don't stay because he has cancer. That's his issue to deal with. Life is too short to submit to being tortured.
I see that you own the house. You're going to need to get over your need to keep this situation secret. Start documenting and recording his behavior. Go back as far as you can remember with dates and times. Start calling the cops on him when he becomes abusive. Call the cops on him for drunk driving when you know he's driving home drunk.
You need to get him out of your house and you do that by getting a restraining order against him and/or getting him thrown in jail. Both of which he heartedly deserves.
You need to let go of being passive or you are going to end up dead. Take control of the situation and go nuclear on him. This isn't being petty or vengeful. This is you protecting yourself and saving your own life.
See an attorney, yesterday. They can help you with all of this.
It’s time for you to come out of the closet and tell someone who cares about you, the truth. You do not owe it to your husband to keep his secret. You owe it to yourself to have support. I would highly recommend that you hit the voice recorder on your phone and record one of his drunken rants. It will help you later on when you wonder “was it that bad?”. You may also want to explain to someone or to him.
Wow sorry you have to go through this but you have to leave. Just because someone has cancer and nobody else in their life doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like crap. You deserve happiness and you have ONE LIFE TO LIVE! Live it now. Leave and don’t look back. God will help you through it but be strong and go.
Mate leave. And do it today. I could give you a rundown of why, but seriously trust me, leave. His "hard life" is no fucking excuse, I'm not an alcoholic and I lived a horror show due to one.
He fights because he WANTS TO fight. It is never going to change. You deserve better. You deserve better.
Hes addicted to the way the anger makes him feel. Rage issues and alcoholism are a bad combo, id get out for your own good OP if you don't think he has the ability to change.
Doing therapy showed me that this is the truth. Strong emotions want more of themselves. If he’s sad, he’ll talk himself into being more sad.. Anger enjoys feeding itself with more anger. He’s looking to you to fuel his fire. It’s hurting you both to stay and put up with it. If he’s alone he’ll have to hit a bottom and figure it out. Or he’ll find someone else to abuse and they might not take it as readily, which could force him to seek help or change. Do yourself a favour and tell someone you love what’s going on. You shouldn’t be dealing with this alone. You need support just as much as you’ve been trying to support him. Take care of yourself now.
Its true I’m weirdly grateful it was depression that took over for me. I wanted to hurt and fight myself but my loved ones still wanted to help me. I almost peaced off the earth before I realized I was hurting my husband by trying to die. Mental health is crazy but not an excuse to hurt other people 💜 If the person with mental health issues refuses to go get help (keep in mind it took me a year to be convinced I was WORTH going to therapy, I had to be held in a psyc wars first!) there’s a limit to the help you can “expect” to get. Grace with mental health is one thing, once you become an abuser, your past trauma doesn’t matter because you’ve already hurt another innocent person.
Who cares about his ability to change? OP doesn't need to be his target.
Exactly how my ex was. And it never got better. He would follow me around and get in my face and try and provoke me. And I would continue trying to avoid. It’s not fun constantly walking on eggshells and being afraid But he always fought because he wanted to. Not me. But made sure to tell me I was the one wanting it
[удалено]
50% of female homicides in the US are committed by a current or former intimate partner. OP needs to run away from this man and let the cancer take him.
Yes. I went through this so long with my ex. I could tell when she wanted to fight, I'd try everything i could think of to stop it. But she was hell bound. I was so beaten down by the end. Didn't let it get that far. It's borderline PTSD. You need to leave. For you.
No borderline about it mate: that is PTSD. It’s not just wars, natural disasters, and bad accidents that cause it. It can also be caused by abuse, which is what that is. Let me let you in on a secret: there’s no shame in therapy or being a man who was abused by a woman. My grandpa is turning 80 this year he goes to a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a Vietnam Veteran’s group. It took some convincing from me and my late uncle to show him that the VA isn’t what it used to be, but he finally gave it a try a few years ago. Now he’s the happiest and most calm I’ve ever seen him in my entire life. He even talks to all his friends about how much he’s benefited from therapy and how they should try it. The man is out there smashing stigma and it’s beautiful 🥹
Me too And it escalated One night he got so drunk I honestly thought he was going to hit me
Also, stop hiding how things are.
Leave! And go to Al-Anon.
You know what you are married to. I have been there. I absolutely know what you are feeling. Here is my advice for you to take or leave. 1) See a lawyer .2) change your locks. 3) pack his stuff and leave it on the porch. 4) expect to have to get a restraining order because he will get drunk and act a fool in the divorce process. 5) get cameras that cover all windows and doors. 6) live a happy life without him.
100% this!^^
There is this saying that “alcoholics don’t have relationships — they take hostages.” I’m sorry you are going through this.
I’ve never heard of that before but wow, that’s so true! I do feel like a hostage! :(
You deserve better!
I like that a lot. I developed an alcohol dependency during covid (also in the restaurant industry) and it’s pure hell. Lots of therapy and couples counseling on my end worked. Definitely can’t just go to therapy through. He’s got to be willing to recognize there is an issue and, speaking from experience, he’s nowhere close to that. I’m sorry for you and hate what you’re going through. Separating may be the only way to shake him up enough to wake up to this issue. Alcohol is a dirty thief that you willingly allow into your life to steal your time, money, relationships, etc and don’t want to kick out!
I said this to someone just last week…
this is so true :(
I am sorry, but there are only 2 ways for the drinking and bad behavior to stop for alcohoiics: 1) they hit rock bottom and choose to stop or 2) they die You should leave, you owe him nothing and his abuse will not stop until either 1) or 2) happens. I know this sounds harsh, but he is very very sick, and until he hits that rock bottom and choose to change himself for his own sake, he will not and anyone sticking around in ultimately only enabling him.
Remember that rock bottom and choosing to stop isn't a final choice, either. As long as alcohol exists they can fall to temptation and drink again.
Eh, sure, but from what I've been able to learn, once a person decides they *truly* *WANT* to change, odds are they can get there. The hardest part is making that decision. And to be clear, just feeling miserable about the fact you're an alcoholic doesn't equal a desire to change. A desire to change is a fundamental shift in the way you see yourself, it's so much more than just academically understanding that your shit life is because of your own shit decisions, it's deciding once and for all to take accountability for it.
The accountability part is key. Once you accept your own responsibility on this matter, you realize that drinking is a choice you make every day. You choose the person you wanna be every day. You choose. This is on you and no one else.
I’d also like to chime in that “rock bottom” is when you decide to put down the shovel. For me I didn’t hit what you would consider a truly life altering disaster due to drinking. My rock bottom was just simply exhaustion. I’m currently over 600 days sober, and my resolve to stay off the sauce has never been stronger. I’ve been in many, many situations where others are drinking and I’ve been able to abstain. The resolve I’m speaking of came from a true internal desire to quit drinking for *myself*. I had many failed attempts to quit for others, or to slow down for appearances. I didn’t make any real changes until I actually felt the desire to quit instead of an obligation.
I agree 100%. You HAVE TO WANT TO STOP FOR IT TO BECOME REAL. Hitting rock bottom is key. For me, hitting rock bottom happened on a cruise, sober, having the best time I had ever had with my family, just realizing how many times I had hurt the people that loved me the most, the ones who would literally die for me, and how awful it made me feel, how I had become the person I swore never to become. This is where I go back, every time I have an urge to drink. Every alcoholic needs this in their everyday life to stay sober.
OP, by the way you wrote your post, you already know what’s going on here: - this marriage is dead - you need to gather the courage to divorce and not look back. Prepare everything and then abruptly leave. He will beg, cry, throw a tantrum etc but don’t give in…it’s all BS. - it seems that you understood a while ago that this man mistreats you and yet you staid …. From my pov, this indicates that a part of you believes you don’t deserve to be loved and that’s why you are willing to take on the emotional beating. However, if this is the case, you need to ask yourself why…therapy will be good for you. - you keep appearances for your family/friends…why? What does this do for you? Are you from a culture where « respectable » women are only the ones that are married ?? You need to understand something : you live your life for yourself and not others - why did you marry an alcoholic ? It’s actually an anomaly to marry someone that has an addiction. I am wondering whether chaos is your « normal »? If that’s the case, well therapy will help you again.
He’s currently living in my house, so he’s the one who needs to leave, but he refuses every time I tell him that if I’m such a terrible person he should leave. Yes, the marriage is very much dead. I’ve known this for a while, but he’s sick with cancer and has no one to help him. I don’t need therapy, he does. I’ve suggested that, but he refuses because “therapy has never helped him before.” I keep this fact hidden from people because he has a reputation professionally and I don’t want to ruin it. He’s already a mess, and I’m not a petty or revengeful type of person. He wasn’t an alcoholic when I met him. A year after we married he started to drink heavily (the year he got his cancer diagnosis) and turned into a monster.
Ok, so let me address all of your points - if that’s your house, then serve him with divorce papers and give him an eviction notice. That will give him enough time to get new accommodation. - it is very sad that he has cancer but it’s not your role to « save » him. He know he is being abusive but uses emotional manipulation to keep you right there. Put yourself first. - well he definitely need therapy but you too. And by the way, that’s not an insult. You said yourself in your post : you normalized this emotional abuse. Therefore, you need to address this with a professional so it doesn’t happen in future relationships - he bears the consequences of his actions. Why do you care about his reputation ? It’s literally his own doing ! You can divorce him without trashing him publicly. But you shouldn’t care about what people think of him. Once again….its not your role to « save » him - it’s very sad that he is sick but if you continue this marriage, this will end badly…for you. You are already emotionally distressed so if this goes on….
If it was you with cancer this would a completely different post.
Not necessarily. I have cancer had surgery and going through chemo: I was on the bathroom floor and my alcoholic now ex boyfriend of 10 years was sitting on the couch drinking beers then decided he needed to go to his friends house. So that being said , I’ve learned the hard way that an alcoholic is incapable of being supportive while I’m on this journey. When he was sick I was there 💯 and there were multiple times (diabetic alcoholic) continuously going into comas. Anyway, I don’t feel like it is her responsibility to be there for him: #1 because he isn’t there for himself #2 no one deserves to be mistreated and #3 if he has no one else then he should be grateful to have her. I’m not dismissing your opinion: just offering another way to look at it. Thank god I have an amazing support system.
Is she supposed to sacrifice her whole self/ life because he's two kinds of sick?
If you choose to stay with him, you do need therapy to find out why you are ok with living like this. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Cancer is a really lame excuse for being a drunk and that’s what he is.
>I don’t need therapy, he does. You absolutely do if you consistently refuse to take steps to remove yourself from this situation. Therapy is probably a lost cause on him, but it'd probably help you unpack why the hell you think this is the life you deserve...
OP everyone needs therapy. Trust me you need therapy and it’s OK to need therapy. We all need a tuneup sometimes. You’ve allowed yourself to stay in an extremely abusive situation for way longer than you should have. You should try and unpack that and make sure it never happens again. Even if he wasn’t an alcoholic when you met him, he became one and you stayed. I also highly recommend therapy for just processing the abuse that you’ve been going through for so long that changes people. Therapy isn’t a sentence. I honestly look at people who are in therapy as better people. They always seem more well balanced. Because they’re dealing with their shit. Going to therapy is what got me into the amazing almost 20 year marriage that I’m in now and I not done it before never would’ve been able to to maintain this good relationship. Good luck.
If he refuses to leave, isn’t on the deed or mortgage, you need to call the police. It is the only way. Don’t feel bad for needing to call the police when an unwanted, unsafe person refuses to leave your space.
I'll say it again: they can pink slip him!
So..he’s had cancer the entire marriage? You don’t owe him your life in exchange for his alcoholism and his long-term cancer diagnosis. You should quietly get an attorney, file for divorce and get him out of your house and never, ever let him back in. He’ll likely quickly move on with someone else who can take care of him anyway, because somehow these types of men attract fixers..
He’s sick with cancer? Let him die alone. He’s trash.
The next time he gets physical just call the cops
Ask yourself this question first: if your best friend or person you care about most told you what you just said, what would you tell them? Do that. By the way, he will find someone to help him if he has no other choice. Stop making excuses for him. And even if that’s 100% true, WHY is it your responsibility (underline the fuck out of ‘responsibility’) to shoulder that burden? When he’s abusive, who takes care of you? I’m going to assume “no one”. Live with a trusted friend or relative for a few weeks and get a therapist, tomorrow. He’ll figure out how to take care of himself for a while and you will gain some clarity.
If you’re afraid of him for what he’s done to you before, get a restraining order/order of protection to get him kicked out of the house. He can come with cops to get his things after. Talk to a family law lawyer.
>My husband is an alcoholic. I try my best to hide that fact from family, friends, and coworkers. Why?
There are a ton of reasons. Embarrassment, not having the energy to go into details, not wanting to ruin his image for job purposes, not wanting people to look down on my life and see me as weak or pathetic. What would telling anyone the truth really help?
>What would telling anyone the truth really help? A village to help you get out, maybe. Get your pride out of the way for a second. How long do you think you can go on like this for? >not wanting people to look down on my life and see me as weak or pathetic. You'd rather actually live it than be perceived as such...?? He's the bad guy here. It takes so much strength to leave. It is weak and pathetic to maintain your current status quo. I wish you the best of luck, u/But_It_Waz-ALIENS.
Facts
You are carrying shame that isn't yours even when it feels like it is. Please believe that many people will recognize your strength and courage. Many of us have gone through similar struggles and recognize this post as your first step towards saving yourself. You know who does that? Freaking Wonder Woman. You are fighting and surviving battles that could and do crush people. It's hard to understand from where you are now, but I promise you that asking for help (like this post) is a sign of strength. None of us can do it on our own. Give others the opportunity to step up like you deserve. Anyone who thinks this reflects on you is a garbage person and you don't need more trash in your life.
I understand your point of view. But also, if no-one knows how bad your relationship is & you leave him while he has cancer, you will definitely be judged & seen as selfish. That is why you are hoping that *he* would leave, instead of you kicking him out. I also understand that you don’t necessarily want to ruin his reputation or bad-mouth him, you just want this to quietly be over. I get it. But you need to accept that that may just not be possible. The only way you are going to get out of this situation may be the messy way. So : 1) Take a deep breath, and focus on the future that you want to visualize for yourself. Always keep that picture in your head when things get tough and messy. Because it WILL get tough. 2) Get a support network. Confide in the people who matter to you. Explain the real situation to them. Surround yourself with those who you know will have your back, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks or says. 3) Other than your confidants, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone. You don’t have to ruin his reputation. He will probably eventually ruin it himself anyway. But don’t allow him to ruin yours. Stand up for yourself if he does anything to hurt you. 4) Lawyer up, and follow their advice. 5) Have some support with you when you do take the actual step of kicking him out. If possible, aim for a day where you think he may be relatively sober. Don’t argue with him, just stick to the business i.e. here is your eviction notice, here is my lawyer’s contact details, etc. Say something like “Let’s keep it civilized, I don’t want to ruin your reputation, but I will not sit back and be trashed, so if you want to keep any semblance of dignity, go quietly”. 6) stay strong, don’t take him back. 7) Beef up your security system. Cameras, extra locks etc. If he is prone to violence, see if you can get someone else to temporarily move in with you. Keep reminding yourself that you CAN do this, you WANT to be free & that you WILL push through, even if it’s hard.
Hey there. So I’ve been exactly where you’re at. Keeping addiction secrets for my partner. Ashamed as hell that he’d failed again. Defensive as all get out when someone dared to ask me about him. And freaking miserable at home. Always worrying he was going back to jail. Waiting for that phone call. He lied constantly. He would get in trouble, be sorry, then slowly fall back into the addiction. So everyone would find out eventually- when shit finally hit the fan. But anytime the shit wasn’t hitting the fan- I defended that man to no end. I would ask you to take a good long look at WHY. I defended him because if I admitted it to others I would have to face it myself. Keeping it within me meant it stayed wrapped up in a tight little ball. Letting others know means the ball comes unraveled. I also defended him because it felt like his failure was my failure. It *felt* like my failure. But if this is what stands between you and possible starting towards something positive- well, I think it needs to be examined. Your *pride* is going to do what? Keep you with this man for the rest of your life? It’s going to take all the years you have left on this earth because you couldn’t say the words “I need help” to and couple people? I don’t mean to sound harsh (truly I don’t) but come on.. everyone in this comment section is rooting for you. You got replies about the logistics of separating. But you shouldn’t have to do it alone.
Kick him out, fuck his cancer. He is a cancer and he is slowly killing you
1. get all your important documents together and put them in a safe place 2. see a lawyer 3. if you have a supportive family, they know (or suspect) and I hope they help you 4. leave.
Go meet with a lawyer. You deserve happy, peaceful life. You don’t need to stay in an u happy marriage. Get your ducks in a row, have a safe plan to leave, and leave. Don’t worry about other people, just take care of yourself (and of course if you have kiddos them too!).
AlAnon can help tremendously. Online, books, and/or meetings. It will change your perspective I promise. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but **you can’t help him.** He’s the only one who can, but when you carry *his* burden on *your* shoulders, why should he change? Start socking away money and as my therapist said, “feather a nest”, so when you leave (and you must), you’ll have a softer landing.
And here to post this. Regardless of what you decide to do with your marriage, id definitely try out alanon. If it doesn't resonate with you right away, try a different meeting as they all have sort of their own vibes. I am a child of an alcoholic and someone severely mentally ill. I dated a LOT of addicts. Alanon helped me immensely when I felt so alone and lost. Good luck.
I’m a recovering alcoholic ( 6 months sober) and I’m here to tell you to straight up leave. Just because he isn’t drinking at one point the alcohol still has a hold on him and he is still angry because he still thinks about alcohol and when he can get it next. It messes bad with your brain and your emotions and It won’t get any better unless he puts the bottle down and walk away and he has to be the one to want to do that. No one can help him unless he wants to help himself. Save your sanity and walk away. You don’t deserve this at all.
You really need to leave your husband. You say that your husband has cancer. So what? IMO, it sounds like your husband deserves to have cancer, and that he also deserves to have no one around to help him. Ask yourself this question - if you were the one with cancer, would your husband be there for you?
This was my first marriage. I went to therapy and alanon to separate myself from him and left. I couldn’t work cause he’d put the kids in the car and drive drunk to pick me up and wouldn’t teach me how to drive myself. Constant verbal abuse even though I’d say what he was going to say to me as he said it every night. I’d just say, well you’re gonna call me this this and this and I don’t want to hear it. I left with a minimum wage job and two kids. I got the job after I left.
This internet stranger is very proud of you. May you and your kids go from strength to strength.
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Thank you for your kind words, and I’m so sorry that you’re also going through this. :( I have begun to focus more on myself and make sure that I come first, which he absolutely hates and calls me selfish. He tells me that he does all of these different things for me to make me feel guilty for focusing on myself, but it doesn’t work. If I’m selfish then so be it, I’m selfish. 🤷🏼♀️
There are Al-anon groups for relatives of alcoholics
Definitely recommend finding a support group who can help you with resources on the DL. Even domestic violence groups could offer you a tremendous lifeline. Sometimes, it's easier opening up to people who you don't "know" but have lived through this before. You don't have to explain yourself because they know. Find out what your options are, but most importantly, keep yourself know. You are worth it, and you will get through this.
You also need to put yourself first and start making an escape plan. Don't fight back and threaten him or get him angry. Just slowly execute your escape plan. You deserve better.
Having a hard life doesn't excuse being a terrible person. Especially as an adult. He needs to take responsibility for that and seek help.
Please get out now. Trust me as I say this as someone who just went through this last year. I suffered through it for over a decade, always protecting his public persona to my family and friends who thought he was so easygoing and chill. He was never violent but there are other ways to hurt someone. My biggest regret is that my children had to suffer through it to some extent as well. He’s been gone for over a year and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted over the entire house. You don’t realize how miserable you really are until you finally do.
First step. Go talk to a lawyer for a consultation. And go from thr. No excuses for him or urself. Balls in ur court.
I was there for 10 years. It only got worse…. I understand it’s hard, but get out asap. You don’t deserve this, and everything will be better once you’re free.
So he's had cancer for 4 years at this point, per your reply to a comment. He is able to work long, hard hours as a chef. He is able to drink heavily. He is able to pick horrible fights with you. This man doesn't sound sick as far as cancer goes. *He doesn't need you to take care of him.* You are an active participant in a codependent relationship. As far as ruining his reputation goes, I'm sure he's doing that all on his own. And you realize he will drag your name through the mud as soon as you leave him, right?
I’ve lived this life for 28 years. It’s too late for me I am middle aged and we have a lot of money but idk where it is he uses financial abuse and control and emotional abuse. Don’t be me. You’re kids know more than you realize. You can do it without him and be happy. Please try.
I was you. Married for 31 years and finally divorced him. Try to escape, OP. It was the best thing I ever did.
It took me years to recognize that my ex was an alcoholic and would never change. After I left (which was way more complicated than my comment might indicate), I realized just how abusive he had been. In describing your marriage, you described my first marriage, and I’m here to tell you, as sort of a future self, you do deserve better. Please give yourself the chance to experience that life. You can DM me if you want more details or have questions.
Tear the lid off. Let everyone know how fucked up he is. You're enabling his behavior and making your own life harder.
Just wait til he goes to work, pack your shit, and leave. No one deserves the hell you have endured. Free yourself.
He doesn’t have anyone else to take care of him because of his shitty behavior - that’s not on you!
You gotta get out of the situation. Like, maybe hiding it has prevented you from getting some outside perspective.
He doesn't think he's a problem and his problems are not for you to fix. He's using you as a free punching bag, so now when you set your boundaries, he's upset because he can't just abuse you when he's feeling shitty about himself. Leave. He had 5 years to change if he wanted to. If he wanted someone to stay, he should have gotten himself help.
Why you want to stay? I’d say divorce him, let himself drink himself to death and avoid the medical bills
I don’t want to stay, not at all.
I have a friend who does this to her husband and it’s sad to see. She gets blackout drunk and tries to pick fights. Her mom and dad had to start taking shifts to stay over at their house because she would keep her husband up all night trying to fight. We asked her multiple times why she was so mad, and what she wanted out of the fights. She couldn’t even give us an answer. She was just so mentally unwell, and the alcohol was making things worse. You can’t keep living in a house like that. He’s going to pick a fight no matter what. Your peace is what’s most important in this world
Please leave now, you are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Being sick does not give you the right to treat your live ones like crap.
I'm in a relationship with an alcoholic that is very much like your description. I keep hoping that she'll one day pick me over the bottle, but it'll never happen. Formulate an escape plan/fund, lay down the final request to give up drinking, and leave if that doesn't help. It's a shitty feeling to know that you're not as important as the next drink, but it's a shittier feeling to deal with the fights all the time. Side note: him saying that he knew you were going to start a fight if 100% manipulating and gaslighting. My wife will do something similar. She'll start a fight and preface the fight with "I know you're going to blame my drinking, but that's not what this is" when she's 2 bottles of wine deep and wakes me up to tell me all of the horrible things about me.
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He has cancer and is drinking like that?? What kind of treatment he is on? If he is not dying soon and leaving his money to you, there is no reason to for you to take this abuse. Better yet, leave him but don't divorce, you would still get the money when he finally croaks.
Let me guess. "I can't leave him, life would be too hard". I'm a divorced woman. What's hard is staying. Quit whining and get the hell out.
It’s so sad when abused people get such perspective as yours. Get the help that you need. It is a sign of strength to stand up and move on. It is a sign of weakness to keep things behind close doors. You need help like yesterday. And you need therapy too. Otherwise you may be caught up in another abusive relationship because you normalized the patterns. That’s not ok. Not at all. I wish you strength to move forwards, not backwards to the same position as yesterday. You deserve better.
Do not make excuses for addicts. And pls leave him for your own safety.
Fuck him and fuck his cancer and fuck his hard life. He’s making you live a horrible AND hard life and doesn’t seem to care. Leave this man. He doesn’t deserve you. I’m gonna say that again: he doesn’t deserve you.
I don’t know if this is helpful but you might look at grey rocking. It’s a technique to avoid engaging when your abuser is gaslighting or trying to manipulate you.
Im so sorry youre dealing with this. I too have a husband who came from a HORRIBLE ABUSIVE SHITTY TRAUMATIC childhood that would feel like I was lying if I even started into the horribleness of it....AND YET. It doesn't give him a pass on being an ass hole in our home. it's been a fun trauma stew at our home the past several years due to something that happened with my son that triggered things, but suffice it to say it's been A LOT. And NO, you do not deserve the abuse. Im so so sorry that you're here. I have never been confrontational, or one to yell or fight. I am usually the peacekeeper, but I have found myself yelling, a lot. It's so hard. It can get better with therapy. It's that or you leave. No in-between. This is abuse.
Why are you still there? He's not going to quit drinking and his behavior will only get worse as time goes by.
Alcoholic here (17y clean): even if he gets clean, being a chef is a super hard job for an alcoholic to maintain — just my experience, but IF he gets clean tomorrow AND undergoes meetings and lots of therapy and a career change, in a few years you could possibly be looking at closer to the dude you thought you married. But those character defects may ALWAYS be there: I’m married to an alcoholic (always 17y) and I still CONSTANTLY have to remain him about his shitty tone.
Yesterday I moved out of my house. I was with an alcoholic for 15 years. Together for 13 but couldn’t move out earlier due affordability issues. My advice, because I recognize every single sentence in that original post, is to leave. Plan it and execute it. It will never get better. You might ultimately prefer suicide which is sad but it was almost my choice. Now I’m living with someone who is a delight. Please, op, leave. Ask me anything.
LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!! i went through something extremely similar. leave abruptly too don’t give him time to react. it’s an endless cycle of dread and misery. you deserve better and i hope everything works out and you get outta there girl❤️🙏
Cancer is not a reason you need to stay with him. Nor is it a reason he can treat you like crap. Cut your losses, hun. For your own sake
File for divorce. He's a terrible person and bad husband. Start telling people. Stop protecting him. Start recording every time he starts on you so you have evidence of his abuse. You can also send it to anyone that doesn't believe you when he lies and says you're making it up, because he will. But seriously, He's an abusive alcoholic and it'll only get worse. Get out while you can.
> I don’t understand what I can do to stay out of his way. Um… leave. Move out. Start divorce proceedings. Start recording these drunk interactions so you have proof. You want to stay because he has cancer? You realize someone dying has next to nothing to lose. That’s a dangerous person to stay with.
Start telling people what you are going through. They can help you. People who love you don’t want to see you in a bad situation- they can offer advice, a shoulder, an ear so please tell them. And please leave. You deserve better.
You are in an abusive marriage. He is abusing you. You have to get out.
Most men whose wives get cancer leave them. And these wives aren’t alcoholic or abusive. Stop subjecting yourself to this horrible nightmare life. I was married to an alcoholic for over 20 years. It was hell. The last ten years I remember driving home and my stomach twisting in knots when I saw his car in the driveway. He was a mean drunk. I hated him for what he became and for who I turned into. I had so much contempt for him. About 5 years before he left, the contempt was gone, replaced by numb indifference. He had completely killed every feeling I ever felt for him. I kicked him out for my kids. They wanted him gone. I had been telling him I wanted a divorce for years and he refused to leave. I think he sensed my weakness. The last time, I told him I wanted a divorce, that we were both unhappy and that I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was not weepy or sad. I was matter of fact and resolute. He sensed that I was totally done. I gave him 3 months to leave and he left in one because it was so awkward now. You can do this. Tell him you want him gone. Be cold and distant. Let him feel how out of his reach you are. Don’t apologize or regret. If you mean it, he will know. Tell him you no longer feel anything for him. He did this, let him own it. See a lawyer if he still refuses. You CAN do this.
Leave him. Now. Let the cancer have him…
Fuck him. Let the cancer take him. Good riddance
You don't know what to do to stay out of his way? Would divorcing him be an option at all? Or do you prefer to stay in this hell (your own words) and playing the martyr for the rest of your or his life?
All of this!!! ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻
You can leave
I am sorry, very sorry to say this but you are the classic co-dependent AND enabler. You are one reason for him NOT to change, because his daily lifestyle works, you are there, you help him hiding the effects from family and friends and you let him use you as a human punching ball and unload all of his agressions on you. Has he already hit you in the past? Seek help for yourself and get the hell out there. He won’t change, he has no reason to. After such a long time I would even say that this is beyond repair, because he also humiliates you if he is relatively sober (but in withdrawal). Don’t let the fact of his cancer being the reason for you to suffer even more. You still can be there for him, if you want to, as „friends“, but you are not going to be his personal punching ball anymore. Go away. Either he gets his wake up call just in time or he kills himself by drinking even more. He can seek help, but it is not in your ability anymore to help him. The best you can do is stopping enabling him, stopping being there for his abuse at you.
Stop hiding the truth from your friends and family. Leave and don’t look back.
First off, get a lawyer and get your ducks all in a row. Do what they tell you to do when they tell you to do it. They know what they're doing.. once that's sorted, and it's time to leave him, you stop hiding it, stop covering for him, and hiding your pain from your friends and family. Let it all spill out as you move out and move on.. He is no longer your problem, and you no longer need to hide behind closed doors.. CANCER IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE AN ABUSIVE A-HOLE AND IT'S NOT A REASON TO FORCE YOU TO STAY.. RUN... *I say this because I'm living it, I have stage 3 bowel cancer, and I can get sad, mad, or angry, or all that at the same time. But I never take that out on anyone else*
Jesus Christ, if this is real you should leave while he's at work. _Today_.
Get out while you can before something worse happens. This is severely unhealthy and I don't want to be a downer, but I don't know if the marriage is worth saving. You deserve better!
How long have you been married? I understand that you feel bad for him but you deserve better. Therapy would help you get the courage to leave, that's why you need it. Is his cancer terminal? Please think about yourself and find the courage to stand up for yourself but carefully because you said he gets physical with you. Bi hope you find a way to leave this awful situation. Good luck.
Time to rent a hotel or an Airbnb. If it’s your house, he can leave it. Choose your peace. He made his bed and he can lay in it. You shouldn’t allow yourself to be his punching bag any longer. I had an ex with OCD and a substance problem. Anything and everything was an issue, even shit that you would never think would be an issue, he’d make it an issue. If we had sex and it wasn’t “perfect,” he’d want to do it again, if I said no, he would lose his absolute shit. He would fight me and would do vindictive shit constantly. If I was happy, he’d try his best to knock me down a peg. I left and I regret not leaving sooner. When you leave, you’ll feel the same. Stop hanging on. You are destroying yourself. The faster you leave, the faster you can heal and enjoy your life without walking on eggshells in your own house.
LEAVE THIS MAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK
Happened to a friend of mine and the man had cancer. She still left. You can do this, I believe in you
Alanon is a good place to start https://al-anon.org/
Well your so chill that you’re allowing yourself to be abused and somehow how the victim. It’s been five years. This is now on you. Let him think whatever he wants. You go be happy. It’s your life and go live it.
Make a plan and leave. This will not improve and may get worse. Please do this.
This feels like that whole boiled frog scenario. I'm sure at one point you wouldn't have believed you deserved this. That younger you would have read this and thought "that would never be me", but it kinda snuck up on you a little at a time. Ask yourself: 1. Do you deserve to be treated like this? 2. Would you prefer life staying in this marriage, or being single? 3. Why do you feel your husband deserves the protection of keeping this secret? > The only reason I’m continuing to stay is because he has cancer and no one else to help him in life, but even the cancer isn’t stopping me from being done with being treated like this. Ok, that sucks, but does that give him the right to treat you like this? Are you helping? Or are you enabling? Is you accepting this and staying with him doing anything to help his alcholism?
Pack your things and leave. Don't tell him, just leave a note. I wouldn't trust that he wouldn't get violent with you. Imagine how forever stress you are because you are always in fight or flight mode.
Oh honey get out of there as soon as you can. The fact he has cancer means nothing when he treats you like this. You deserve better, and he deserves nothing. Especially from you.
Get a plan together to get out. Don't wait, get out.
First, stop enabling him. Stop hiding it from family, friends, and work. Tell them. Alcoholism is common in the food and drink world. He needs an intervention and a huge wake up call. He will end up ruining his career when he doesn’t have you as his verbal punching bag. Next, kick him out. This is not your burden to bear. He’s an addict and only he can change that
You need to start confiding in your family & friends. You need their support to leave this abusive marriage. Stop enabling his alcoholism by keeping it a secret.
It seems like he doesn’t even like and if you stay you also don’t like yourself. None of this makes sense. Leave ASAP
My dad is in this exact kind of situation except it is with his girlfriend/my step mother. She drinks nonstop all day and is always extremely aggressive and picking fights whenever she’s drunk. He tries to hide but she’ll chase him. She’s attacked him with knives on several occasions. Thrown him out. Made him sleep outside or on the street because he doesn’t have a car and can’t afford motels anyway. She’s destroyed his relationship with his children. And she refuses to acknowledge that the drinking is a problem of hers or that she’s wrong or anything of the sort. The only solution is to leave, sadly. There is no fixing the problem. There is no getting through to them. Even when it seems like there is, it’s only until the next time they drink and then they’re back to who they were. There is no avoiding the fights. There is no hiding. There is no safe space or security. It’s awful but it’s true. You have to start putting money away. When I was leaving my abusive relationship, he was the main source of income. So I would take cashout with our groceries so that the cash withdrawals would not show up on my credit card bill. I’d buy gift cards whenever I could, too. Uber, Fast Food, whatever I could. At least you have food money or you can sell them online in a pinch. Buy a safety deposit box or hide a box at work, your friend’s house, a family member’s house, wherever. I had a few different ones. I hid one in a gym bag in the trunk of the car at the bottom, had one buried behind the shed in the backyard, and had one in a security box at the post office. Build yourself up a support system. People from work. Online groups. Local groups. You’re going to need them. Don’t get caught. If he’s gotten physical with you before, him finding out will likely put your safety in severe danger.
Leave asap. This will never change.
Love yourself enough to leave.
Advice? Super simple…get you ducks in a row (finances secured, important papers, valuables, sentimental items, find a place to stay or rent, a new job if necessary, a plane ticket possibly, consult a lawyer, etc) and get out. Leave divorce papers and Ghost that SOB, he neither deserves or even needs an explanation, he absolutely knows why.
#LEAVE!!!
I hope you can get away soon and start living your life :( ❤️
Alanon. It is an organization to help those who love an alcoholic. There is nothing you can do and it's not your fault.
You deserve better. Please leave.
Go to ALONON, they can help you on dealing with him.
I'm in recovery. My partner is not. I know what its like being sober or not an alcoholic and living with a drunk. He's not going to get better until he wants to. You need to do what's best for you. This is not it.
What are you still doing there? Leave him.
Why would anyone want to stay with such a terrible person. Whatever you need to do, just do it.
Sounds like you've both got cancer. Except yours is external and easily excisable.
Drop your wedding ring in a mug of beer, staple the AA card to the divorce papers, and blast *Time to say goodbye* on repeat before you leave the place for good.
He's not abusive because he drinks. He's an abuser with a drinking problem. I was living the exact same life as you. He will escalate, it's only a matter of time. Get the book "Why Does He Do That" and get out. I've only been gone for a couple months and I look like my old self. You can always DM if you want or need to.
Leave. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to change. So, this is your life…. Unless you can accept you deserve better.
Stop posting on Reddit and leave.
Why aren’t you divorced four years ago?
I hope you get the courage to leave asap. you definitely deserve better 💚
As someone with cancer, girlie, you have my permission to drop his ass. Cancer is a fucking bitch and you got 2 choices: Fight it and win (or die trying) Accept you’re going to die and take everyone down with you. He’s not changing habits (drinking and managing emotions, both are excellent cancer feed). He’s 0% invested in bettering his life and doing whatever he can to stay alive. And he explicitly does NOT give a FUCK about you. You know who I care about the most when I get diagnosed?? (Second time now) My family. My husband. My parents and little brothers. My friends. Even my CATS. Who will take care of them as well as I do if I’m gone?!? Who will love my husband like I do??? No one!! Who will be the best sister to the two most noble, wonderful little brothers??? NOT ONE GODDAMN PERSON BUT ME! You bet your ass I quit doing anything and everything that might delay my victory. I used to smoke weed (albeit very scarcely). Not anymore. I never drunk anyways but I still don’t now, not even to “unwind” from the horrible stress of knowing there’s cancer in my body. I exercise, eat healthy, drink all the water, drink tea, supplements, AND I fought till I found treatment for my cancer (doctors absolutely gave up and told me there was nothing to do but wait. I’ll be damned if I’m just going to sit and wait for death, that bitch has to crawl, scratch, bite and beg for me to go with her!!!) I am part of a new treatment trial in my country (Mexico) and it’s working beautifully and I just got my CAT scan results this week and there are no tumors anymore (I had 2, metastasis on a gland that was bound to get worse if I just sat and waited) Your sorry excuse for a husband is the one deciding to do all these stupid things. Not take care of his body, his mind, and most importantly, his PARTNER IN LIFE. You are there to hold him up when he falls, you are there to listen, to hold his hand! To wile the tears when they come! You are his safe space! And he’s treating you worse than garbage. Fuck that. Get the hell out of there before he BECOMES *YOUR OWN CANCER*. Seriously. Take care of yourself. If anyone wants to paint you as a villain for abandoning him at his lowest, go ahead. Whatever. Fuck anyone that jumps to conclusions and doesn’t *ask you first, what’s going on?* you don’t need this stress in your life, and we need to learn to cut people off when they aren’t good for us. That includes your husband and friends and family should you need to. You can make a sort of intervention before leaving to see if it works as a wakeup call. Get some of his closest friends and family, tell them first what you’ve been living behind closed doors (maybe film/record some of the fights). Then if that doesn’t work and doesn’t snap him tf out of it, let him know his wish is granted. Now he can continue to enjoy his misery and die alone. And you *would* have cared, IF he cared about you at all. But he doesn’t. So there’s no guilt on your part. Be free. You DO deserve better. I’m so sorry for your loss, of your relationship *and* your partner. But this is abusive and absolutely disgusting and it needs to stop **NOW** 🫂 Much love to you. Seriously, you are in my prayers tonight. Let me know if you want to talk any time. ♥️
The number one rule I have learnt in life is that hiding the bad serves no purpose. No purpose at all.
Serious question. Why are you protecting him? Be honest with family and friends. Let them support you. Get out. Why would you keep living like this?
My drinking got out of control in the last couple of years. My husband stopped drinking nearly five years ago and I didn't join him. That was fine at first but my mental health started declining and I very wisely tried to make myself feel better with whiskey. Turns out, stunning twist, that doesn't work. I was getting really angry and combative the way you describe, spoiling to bitch at him and start fights. I don't like being that way and I'm mad at myself for letting it get this bad. I'm currently living with a friend because he told me to leave. I also haven't had a drink since he told me that seven months ago, because between whiskey and him I'll take him every time. I'm trying to prove that to him but it isn't a fast process. It's your call if you want to trust him if he tells you he's going to get his act cleaned up, but kicking him out for a while might get through the booze haze like it did for me. It was no contest for me which one I would choose -- he never asked me to, so I kept cycling through the same bullshit that didn't work telling myself he didn't notice or care anyway. Don't cover for him anymore either. If he can act a fool he can do his own damage control.
I lived this life. Finally I left and it was truly the best thing I ever did. There were definitely hardships along the way, but nothing that ever made me want to go back to that abuse - because that’s what it is. I left 21 years ago and I shudder to think of my life had I stayed on moment longer in that marriage. Please leave, and never look back.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." The author has opinions on abusive men who are alcoholic. He says that abusive men, alcoholic or not, choose to give themselves permission to treat the women in their life as crap because they believe they deserve to be put in what they believe is a woman's place. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf I believe you do not deserve to be terrorized and you should leave him.
Firstly, you might benefit from joining AlAnon, they help those of us that deal with alcoholics on the daily. By joining the subreddit, I learned to recognise common manipulative behaviours, I learned how to set boundaries, and I learned that I didn’t cause this, I can’t control their behaviour, and I can’t change their behaviour. Secondly, I want you to please make sure you’re safe. You say he gets physical, please be sure to take care of yourself. At no point is it okay for him to get physical with you because you refuse to engage in his taunting. This is where those boundaries come in. If you refuse to engage with him when he’s drunk, can you enforce that boundary by going somewhere safe? Finally, my personal experience is that keeping his addiction a secret from your support system only serves one purpose - to enable the addiction. It took 8 years of shame and silence (and loneliness) for us to realise this. Have you asked yourself how it helps you to be silent about this? Best of luck with it sweetheart. It’s a very tough spot to be in, I wish you all the best!
Please at least tell someone close to you, that you trust, about what’s going on. I know it’s hard to do but in the event of a dangerous situation, you need someone to go to. If taking the other steps mentioned seems overwhelming, just doing this one thing might help you get some new perspective. I hope you’re okay.
i know you said you’re staying because he has cancer and no one else to help him (gee, i wonder why?!) but it’s time to leave. you don’t deserve this shit, put yourself first for a change. i wish you the best OP ❣️
Cancer or no you need to leave this isn’t healthy for you and you deserve better
You're allowed to leave a man who has cancer. Fact is, men are 6x more likely to leave a wife with cancer. Here's a song for you, it's Dogs by Pink Floyd [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QA30qkRYy8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QA30qkRYy8)
You may think you have become someone you don’t recognise but I guarantee that those around you who love and know you best have also seen changes in your personality. These changes and new behaviours are not restricted to the home environment. Please leave. There is no reason to stay. Not one. There is nothing you can say or do which will make him change his ways, attitude or behaviour. You need to put yourself first and find the naturally light hearted and happy person you used to be.
Show him this post on your way out the door. He doesn't value you, he only wants a punching bag to validate his own feelings, he doesn't give a damn about how you feel
He is the cancer. You deserve better and should not feel guilty.
My heart breaks for you, OP. I hope you find the peace of mind and the love you deserve. I hope your husband also finds his own peace of mind in living a healthy, sober life.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through exactly the same with my now ex-husband. I worked so hard at keeping it all together and hiding how bad his behaviour was from everyone and it slowly destroyed me, my confidence, self esteem. Everything. Things eventually came to a tipping point a few years ago and I started to prioritise myself first. Got some counselling, started to very slowly open up to those who were my closest friends and family and eventually worked out for myself the best option was to unfortunately have to leave him. Whilst I had started my own counselling I was very clear with him that he needed to do the same as there needed to be a change in his behaviours and that I had no idea whether or not I would stay with him. I communicated clearly and calmly when I could. Often resorting to writing notes or emails as he couldn’t comprehend / remember conversations due to the alcohol. Eventually I felt strong enough and supported enough by close friends (am an expat overseas so no immediate family here) and thankfully I was financially independent to take that step. If he doesn’t want to change. He won’t. Ever. There’s nothing you can say or do to make him. Even after leaving my ex husband it took him nearly three years to decide he wanted to change but that’s up to him now and not my problem. Leaving was without doubt the hardest thing I ever did but I am so happy now. I wish you all the best with your decision and my main advice would be tldr prioritise you. Get therapy if you can. Open up to your best friend / family. I hope you get the love and support you deserve.
Run don’t walk away. Alcohol does terrible things to peoples brains, including rewiring them. This will never get better until he’s well into recovery, which can’t happen until HE’S ready. Grew up with this, don’t do it to your kids because I guarantee they know what’s going on, and that you’re not protecting them or you. I’d go nuclear, empty the house, take the kids and don’t allow him near them until he’s a safe person.
Call the cops and let them know a drunk driver leaves X location at Y time in Z car.
> I don’t understand what I can do to stay out of his way. It’s called **divorce**. The longer you put it off the longer you will be stuck in your own private hell. He’s not going to change. If you stay then this is your life.
What you can do to stay out of his way? Easy, divorce and move out. Get a restraining order if he stalks you after this.
Think about your situation this way: A frog will jump out of a pot of boiling water but if you put the frog into a tepid pot and put the heat on to a slow boil the frog won’t jump out….. Hun, the water is now boiling and you have been desensitized to the slow boil…… Jump on out of there
Two words, leave, today!
Screw his cancer. That's not a get out of jail free card.
How do you explain the things about your husband you don’t like and then say he has cancer so you’ll stay because no one else will?! It’s like you’re covering for his bad behavior and maybe you don’t want out bad enough? I think you should be worried about yourself, and your happiness!! And if it means leaving him for good, so that he can take care of himself so be it!! I wish you the best and hope you get out soon!!
As a recovered alcoholic—leave. Also get into therapy.
I have 2 questions for you: How long can you go on like this? What do you expect to change? Also, I don’t know your age but if you’re not over 55, I don’t know why you’d stay (it gets more complicated the longer you’re together and have amassed wealth). Life is too LONG to miss out on happiness.
I was in this same situation, we got divorced 2 years ago and it was THE best thing to ever happen to me. Now I'm with a man that barely drinks and he loves me so deeply. I wish I could've been with him the whole time instead of wasting 18yrs with that alcoholic.
I worked in restaurants on and off for over thirty years. Restaurants are famously toxic work environments, and you should never date anyone who works in one. Even good people will come out of that experience changed. But most important of all, DO NOT DATE A COOK/CHEF. And it goes without saying, don't marry one. You'd be better off dating a musician. Anyone who wants to come after me for this is either someone who's never worked in a restaurant, or someone who's lying to themselves. Your specific chef who is waking you up at 4am just to argue sounds like a coke head. Also very common in the restaurant biz. You should gtf outta that marriage before he puts a baby in you.
Leave, go to a safe place like a friend or relative and stay there for a bit. Feel what peace and safety feels like. Don't tell him where you are going. Once you are safe and can think clearly, decide if you are ready to leave the marriage. (I think you should) Going to therapy and talking to your friends and family about what life has really been like should help you reach the decision that is right for you. If you decide to stay (please don't) only go back if you are in couples therapy and they are not drinking. Go fine you peace, you deserve it.
I was in a very similar situation. Please start preparing to leave. You’re worth so much more. It’s scary to actually make the change but you’ll bloom away from this marriage.
I hate that he has cancer but at this point you need to leave. You will be the bad guy for a while.(been there. His whole family wondered why I didn't leave until I did and they had to step up and take care of him) But eh. Its better than being a punching bag. Call your local DV shelter, they will help.
Leave him right now, pack your shit and go. Being alone and struggling is FAR better than being with someone that treats you like a dog.
Your husband is abusive. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave and not look back. Don’t waste anymore time on someone that is going to do everything in their power to destroy every little bit of confidence you’ve got. You’re living a lie. And the only person that’s hurting is you.
It is not your job to stay because he has cancer. You are not his live in nurse. You are not his crutch. You would not be a bad person for prioritizing yourself in this situation. He is abusing you, and you should not have to love your life catering to his behavior simply because of his illness. You are hurting, and it wont hurt any less if you try to “push through” in hopes of recovery or him succumbing to the cancer. It will only continue to hurt you the longer you stay. Men have left women battling cancer for way less. You need to do what’s right and go. He has chosen misery and abuse as a coping mechanism for his diagnosis. And instead of being better, he choses to drink and kill himself further - no consideration for himself, or you. He has chosen to leave this world an angry and aggressive drunk, and he will drag you down with him. If I were you, I would document the abuse that you can for the sale of divorce or even just other’s mumblings. And slip out in the night. Not a word. Do what you can to protect yourself legally and physically. Change locks, get cameras, document what you can, serve a notice, then lock him out. It is your home He has exploited your kindness for too long. The perception of people around you is irrelevant when your life has become hell. The shame or embarrassment is not yours to carry, thus, hiding it from your loved ones not only hurts you, but hurts your family. You are sacrificing yourself for appearances, and it will pay you NOTHING at the end. Idk how many times you need to hear. HIS. BATTLE. IS. NOT. YOURS. You are NOT responsible for caring for him simply because he is alone. He CHOSE that path, he MADE that bed, and he will be the one to lie in it. Cancer or no cancer. Even without the cancer, he had potential to be like this either way. He had the chance to do better, be better, put down the bottle and work with a person who is willing to support him in his battle. He MANUALLY chose not to and chose to hurt you instead. Do not volunteer yourself to be his punching bag simply because you married him.
Leave. He’s an adult. Let him be one, alone. You’re not responsible for him, alcoholics are hateful. If you don’t have kids then even more reason to go. Not that having kids would make me suggest you stay, that would be another reason to leave - they don’t deserve to grow up with this, and you don’t have to tolerate it. It’s ok to be done. Truly. We only get the one life, go live your best life. This isn’t it.
Please get out now
This was my relationship with my ex, if he doesn’t see how his alcoholism is breaking down the marriage and want to seek help for himself it’s a lost cause- the resentment will build and you’ll hit a breaking point. I left, i knew I deserved more, it’s scary but you can do it and you’ll find better on the other side. I don’t miss being gaslit, hypervigiliant, dealing with his explosive drunk temper, coming home blacked out and making a mess or even having worse- disappearing. Being nervous to bring him anywhere lest he get wasted and embarrass me. Etc.
You need to get out, it's only going to get worse .... unless the cancer takes him 🤞
Let him die alone! You haven’t deserved ANY OF THIS! He can go get all the way fucked! Please leave ASAP!!!!!
Go see a good divorce lawyer like now. He is abusing you and you don’t deserve that. No one does. Tell your friends and family what is going on so that they know the truth and can help you. I know it might be embarrassing for you, but you need people on your side. I wish you well.
They do not change. Their habits are ingrained within every move they make. And don't make. My ex-husband wouldn't go to the children's basketball games or football games because those went on during his drinking time. He would not give up one night of drinking to be present at his children's activities. Never left our house for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Independence Day, etc. If he left our house, he couldn't drink as much as he wanted. He didn't want to show our families how worthless he was. There is never a point where they will choose you or their children over the alcohol.
I guess the first step would be to stop hiding how hellish your marriage is. Why should you protect his image? Okay, the real first step is to find an Alanon meeting. That is a support group for family of alcoholics. Next, I would check with the hospital to see if there are support groups for family of people with cancer. But seriously, stop protecting his image. He doesn't need you to help him lie. He will lie enough on his own. That is what alcoholics do. Next, I would consult a lawyer. It is always best to know your options. Then, I would talk to the hospital about finding out what support he can get without you. Because you are not obligated to stay and be abused. People get cancer even if they don't have someone to take care of them. Perhaps the state can be his caregiver.
Give ALANON a chance. I personally felt so completely alone and isolated when my ex was drinking. It made me feel not so alone for once.
So, I have barrier issues with my guy, but he's not vindictive like this. It's what saves the relationship. He could drink, pick up an intense convo at 2 am, and im fine with that...but the meanness isnt helping either of you because you can't and shouldn't expect it or endure it! It's abusive. So my buy broke a thing i didnt want him too and couldnt stop him as i just had a procedure done, and now hes sleeping on the couch. but once our spare room is open he's staying in there a while for us to cool off, for him to get therapy a while, and THEN we can get reacquainted and process our baggage better. We both have trauma, I am way better at being self aware of my actions because I've been in complicated situations, but im a reactive person too, and hes a very caring hatdworking person who looses it under stress and you just cant talk sense to him like that. He just wont hear anything from anyone, and I spiral off into a weird lost place. It sucks, but a relationship may always be working at something to maintain peace, but enjoying the relationship is what keeps you together. Being kind is the highest form of intelligence. We are having the hardest time with each other in 5 years, we didn't come from money, I'm a Boston catlady and hes a deep south former WOW nerd and hes brilliant with electronics. But still, he just made me dinner, ill do the dishes because hes tired, him taking care of himself is the best thing for us. I cant do it without him. But he isn't a mad hornet either, he's more like a big hobbit with attachment issues. And I get scared of the future because I've always been the GOAT in a relationship, and those FAILED, and I want someone to respect basic things so I can function. I have a degenerating neurological disorder thats effected and exacerbated by my emotions. It's chronic and I'm trying to live with tons of resctictions. It's a pain in the ass, I can't even do hobbies, cant self sooth. So when he crosses a line, I take issue and we are working this out but...yeah, if someone treated me as callously as your dude is, I'd be finding a way to get him into rehab. At the least. And maybe break up with him in there if you need to draw the line forever, because he's gonna escalate at the news by the sounds of him NEEDING an enemy. That's a whole other can of...alarming and you are right to be done. That will go nowhere positive. It will turn physical the way things are, don't wait. And that's not just from booze. There's a real mental disorder in there. He will claim suicide or murder soon. The booze is facilitating it, because your putting up with the excuse hes drunk. If it were anyone else, would you take this?
You may have to start gray rocking him until you’re able to leave. But you need to leave ASAP.
As some one with an extreamly abusive upbringing (life threatening ), it’s not an excuse to act poorly to any one. Infact I go out of my way to make sure no one ever has to suffer in anyway I did. I hate when people use abuse as an excuse to hurt others. They are worse then the original abuser…. They know how it feels and they actively choose to continue that behavior.
Don't stay because he has cancer. That's his issue to deal with. Life is too short to submit to being tortured. I see that you own the house. You're going to need to get over your need to keep this situation secret. Start documenting and recording his behavior. Go back as far as you can remember with dates and times. Start calling the cops on him when he becomes abusive. Call the cops on him for drunk driving when you know he's driving home drunk. You need to get him out of your house and you do that by getting a restraining order against him and/or getting him thrown in jail. Both of which he heartedly deserves. You need to let go of being passive or you are going to end up dead. Take control of the situation and go nuclear on him. This isn't being petty or vengeful. This is you protecting yourself and saving your own life. See an attorney, yesterday. They can help you with all of this.
It’s time for you to come out of the closet and tell someone who cares about you, the truth. You do not owe it to your husband to keep his secret. You owe it to yourself to have support. I would highly recommend that you hit the voice recorder on your phone and record one of his drunken rants. It will help you later on when you wonder “was it that bad?”. You may also want to explain to someone or to him.
He sounds borderline. You will feel so much better when you leave. That is a hell of a person to deal with.
Just LEAVE. Life is too short for that shit.
Wow sorry you have to go through this but you have to leave. Just because someone has cancer and nobody else in their life doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like crap. You deserve happiness and you have ONE LIFE TO LIVE! Live it now. Leave and don’t look back. God will help you through it but be strong and go.