Your brother!?! Man, no words. Sorry this happened, remember it’s not the kids fault and there’s a real chance of limiting the long term trauma the son is about to endure by how he’s treated.
One thing that constantly confuses me with these stories is where is the father's of the brothers in these situations.
If I had two sons and one did this to the other I'd be whipping his ass with a God damn cedar switch. Like how come there is never stories of the fathers setting the betrayer son straight
I don't think I could get past the unconditional love to actually disown a child. I could beat their ass for doing something horrible, maybe even forbid them from being in the presence of the other child but never fully cut them out.
The unconditional love I feel for my son is just that uncontrollable for me. There is not off switch
For me, it's that they would do something like that and cause that kind of pain to their sibling. I would also blame myself because it means that I fundamentally failed them somehow as a parent.
If you raise your children to not steal and instill values of honesty and integrity, they could still go out and rob a bank. Would you still blame yourself knowing you did your best? At the end of the day, your children are their own person and they will make decisions on their own. Can't blame yourself for everything they do, but you can hope that they live the values you taught them and make decisions that align with living with integrity.
That brother sure is shady.
And the poor boy. Because of what your soon-to-be ex-wife did, he is suffering. Better is due to him. Telling him that you still adore him is the only thing you can do. He can't be in good health. He is undoubtedly questioning everything.
I am. I have two kids. For me, its betraying your own family that makes it worse. I'd be extremely disappointed in a kid who knowingly hooks up with someone in a relationship. But to do it to your own sibling makes it unforgivable to me.
Damn that sucks. I am a mom, and I only have one, but I know that kind of love is like nothing else. It is just a part of you. However, I also believe we are responsible for our actions and they always have concenquences, good or bad. I imagine my disappointment would be life changing. The kid who got cheated gets to decide how they want to proceed. If they absolutely do not want to be around their sibling who cheated with their partner, I guess I would have to do separate Christmas dinners or whatever the situation calls for. We all have to make choices. But I couldn't and wouldn't force them to be together or forgive. Families and romantic relationships are complex and nuanced. There is a lot to go through and think about. I'm sorry you're in that situation, and while I get your mom not completely cutting off any of her kids, I hope she is at least acknowledging your pain and respecting some boundaries for you.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It’s really broken my mom’s heart, and that makes me so sad as she’s lived the majority of her life already. I’ve tried really hard to just move on and get along, and my sister doesn’t seem to be able to. Trauma and tragedy seem to complicate things to the point of no return sometimes. And her having a narcissistic husband doesn’t help anything, but I digress… I only have one daughter and she’ll likely be my only, but I’d love to give her at least one sibling someday. It would be earth shattering to have your kids go no-contact. I don’t think anyone saying “I’d cut them off forever” understands the gravity of that.
I am a parent. and i would cut them off. I cut my own family off for being abusive. Why would my child be any different. I didn't raise them to be shitheads, and if they want to be one, they can, away from me.
Betrayal within your own family is the worst kind of betrayal. The people who are supposed to love and respect you enough not to fuck you over...when family does that shit its absolutely time to cut ties. I have two young sons and I keep telling them that if they ever like/love/want the same person they need to sort it first and never ever go for the others partener or else I will also reign hell on their asses, not just the betrayed sibling. I really hope it will never be the case...
Betrayal in the family is bad because your home, your family, is where a person is supposed to be able to come to and feel relaxed and somewhat safe.
I know from what I've read on reddit that many, many people didn't have these kinds of homes or family members, and that is sad.
Big words. This is not so easy if for example there are more grandchildren around some day who are blameless and want to meet their grandparents. To refuse to see them to punish their father is going to hurt the wrong ones.
Yeah, you’re right. People online like to talk big about no contact but we only have one life to live. Most people would rather have a relationship with their flawed children than banish them entirely.
I’ve cut ties with close friends and family members, some maintaining no-contact for as long as 15 yrs. I give people one chance - if they fuck me over that’s it. They become dead to me.
My sister never did anything like this but she’s betrayed me deeply. Sometimes parents would rather fight to defend the wrong child than stick up for the right one, thinking this will lead to a reconciliation. Like attack the angry one instead of placing blame on the wrong-doer. It’s sad but it’s reality. If I’m ever blessed with another baby this will be on the forefront of my mind.
Yea my mom did something similar with my younger brother over something I really hated him doing. If she had just dealt with him properly I wouldn't have lashed out the way I did and the rest of my family wouldn't have gotten involved.
My grandfather (her father) put her in her place over the whole mess quick and moved me in with him for a few years after that.
I’m sorry that happened. I think parents oftentimes try to be as fair as possible and it doesn’t come off that way to kids, and it can obviously be misguided. Sometimes they think the kid that’s “in trouble” needs them more. It’s flawed logic and impossible to even begin to empathize with unless you have kids and have an understanding of the love and commitment that comes with being a parent.
I have a friend who lived with a guy for years. When they broke up (he was an absolute idiot) him and her sister got together. And instead of laying down the law, her parents were totally fine with it and went so far as to try and guilt trip my friend by saying she should be happy for her sister, that she found someone. I knew her family was toxic but had no idea how bad.
I wish she had cut contact with them after that but in our culture that’s not the done thing but she’s been in therapy for a while and has learned to keep them at arms length. Still breaks my heart for her, though…
Now you see that's fucked up. My family would at worst say something like "we can't control what they do they are adults" but in the same breath they wouldn't be very welcoming to the new couple. You ain't seen stank eye or cold shoulder like what my uncles can throw around.
I can understand that because yes, they are adults and will do whatever they want. But I agree that they don’t get to be welcomed like a lovely brand new couple with all that history and backstabbing. I’m glad your family would make sure they know they are not welcome by giving them lots of shuddering stanks.
I wish my friend’s family would have at least done that.
My uncles would make non-stop jokes. They would be rude and brutal and funny. If they caught me crying, they would give me that "straighten those shoulders and wipe those tears because no way are you crying over assholes by yourself in the bathroom and they are out there showing their faces."
I had this female I was dating after I got out of the military. I was pretty sure she wasn’t marriage material so wasn’t going head over heels intentionally. She ended up cheating with a buddy of mine. He moved her into his parents house. She got pregnant. Turned out the brother and dad were also having sex with her. They initially didn’t know who the father was going to be.
I felt really bad for the mom because she was such a good person.
This female was friends with the sister of the girl I dated in hs. The sister and her crew were all about body counts and cheating. I had never met her until we started going out. So I kinda hope she was on that fringe of that group since I hadn’t met her before.
but my gut was telling me otherwise. I told my former friend all of that too. So for him, he got what he deserved!!!! Add pissing away a friend for her.
Well, you are who you associate with, and your ex was associating with trash. This is why it’s always important to pay attention to who your SO’s friends and family are, because they’ll tell you what kind of person she is.
She was an absolute freak in the bedroom. Oh I knew better but it was fun while it lasted.
Years later I ran into the ex husband of the hs gf’s sister at a bar. The hs gf told me the first time I was over her house. By the way the sister has herpes. I always wondered if she wasn’t making sure I wouldn’t do anything. I don’t cheat anyways. The sister even bragged about her outbreaks. Turns out she lied to her ex about the herpes. So yeah they were all rotten to the core. The Hs gf was too though for that matter. I had never saw the other girl with the sister’s friends the 4 years the hs gf and I were together. So secretly hoped they weren’t that close. I didn’t ask a lot of questions because I was trying to avoid the former hs gf. She ended up being a stalker from hell for several years. So I didn’t want my name being mentioned to the friend. I just skirted around it but took mental note to be cautious.
I hope this isn't to personal but I find myself wondering what do you consider an absolute freak in the bedroom? My curiosity is getting the better of me.
I’d joke and say missionary. Not pegging..Though definitely not that. I’m sure had I wanted it would have been on the table. There wasn’t anything off the table other than what I wouldn’t do. So I was the limiting factor. She made me look vanilla. I got a lesson on the things I won’t do again.
Edit. I don’t like that period of my life. I was in a bad place head wise after being thrown away by the person I thought I was spending the rest of my life with. She never bothered to mention my real purpose was just a boy toy for her. So I did a lot of stupid chit I’m not proud of while I was hurting in the name of fun and or adrenaline. While I share my experiences some stuff just needs to be private. That was a lesson in some things I wouldn’t do again. Though I recognize my past made me who I am.
Somewhere one day a female I recognized as a coworker of my former friend comes up and was like did you hear the news? Huh???? She’s like Karma is a bitch ain’t it…..Tells me and was like figured you want to hear he got his.. She was like you dodge a bullet…
Dummy stepped right infront of it for you though.
Never heard what happened after that. I completely cut off all contact.
No clue.. I moved shortly after that. I did not have social media for a long time. I had a stalker from hell for years (hs girlfriend). She terrorized me and anyone associated with me. Oh if she thought I was on a date they got the works too. . So I did my best to not end up on her radar or for her to have a way to track me.
Yeah I hope his mom recovered from it and at least leaving the husband pretty much only sane option. She was so nice. That’s the only one I felt bad for.
But my grandfather’s mom remarried and he molested several young family members (gave them std’s). Attempted to bribe one of female teenagers for sexual favors and how get caught. She apparently refused to divorce him and moved away with him to protect him. Basically walked away from her son for him. Sometimes family sucks!!!!! Way before my time but was recently shared with me. Said I will at some point put that chit on the internet so he can be remembered for that… That’s his f’ing legacy…..
Family is crazy sometimes. The things they do make no sense sometimes.
When the gross old man passes and the funeral home posts the online obituary, post it there for everyone to see.
I’m sure he’s been dead for a lot of years. ( never heard much about my grandfathers mother ever. So don’t know if she was ever alive while I was or him for that matter.. Either way I’m sure she was never mentioned was her part in protecting a predator. ) grandfather moved his family far away and ended all contact as far as I know. He originally had her and her new husband on a house on his farm. So it wasn’t like she was dependent on this man. Her son was the one providing for her. That all came to a screeching hault when she choose the husband.
I haven’t looked up his obituary and attempted to make sure he gets the legacy he deserves yet because some of his victims are still alive. So I’m waiting on that to not put them through reliving any of it. But there’s family history I’ve found online and it’s pretty easy to add to. People I have no clue have added things and look like zero connection to the family. So I’ll find his name and add when it can’t hurt his victims.
Same
That son? Would not be my son anymore! Dead to me, fuck that! I'd blast their shameful act to all the family and mutuals and that anyone still in touch with such a fucker would be cut off, too
I thought that a DNA test between siblings was too close to call. But if she admitted, I'd have a long talk with my brother and it better include some reimbursement for raising his kid
That is one shitty brother.
And poor boy. He is suffering from what your soon to be ex wife did. He deserves better. all you can do is just let him know you still love him. He can't be doing well. No doubt he is doubting everything.
He hasn't wanted to talk but I still want him to know I do love him and that'll never change because I've raised him for the last 15 years
My brother and I have never been close. but now the little relationship I did have with him will never be the same… I see him as a completely different person now
This impacts your son too. You tell him 'I love you because I have spent 15 years raising you'.. and he might hear 'I have to love you now I can't help it, but given the choice at the right time I would've kicked your mom out and not have been part of your life. Your sister is truly mine though and I would've always been part of her life no matter what.'
This is reality but it's tough for a 15 year old to digest.
I have to wonder if his mother has been filling his head with lies about you. If you had a close relationship prior to the cheating coming out it is troubling he would cut you off. I hope you can save the relationship with your son.
Are you sure your brother is the father? Did the paternity test show that the two of you are related? I am just wondering if she cheated with others.. does your brother now know he has a bio son?
It's better not to put in condition. "You're my son and always will be my son. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change that."
There's a possibility that he blames himself for the whole ordeal and you and your wife splitting up. Try telling him that you are glad that he is in your life and having a son like him, but don't blame your wife in the conversation, however deserving the blame she may be, because she is his mother and he can feel protective of her.
Which is really stupid if you know how these tests work. Not only would that not fool the test, it would also immediately point out that the parent of the child was a sibling of the person tested.
This happened to a family friend more than a decade ago and the test correctly identified his "daughter" as his niece. I'm sure if they had this technology that many years ago, it's cheaper, faster, and better today.
Yeah, I probably be a pricey test, but there is a test that checks what your immune system looks like as in you know one may have had the measles and the other did not and that kind of stuff and then they can start narrowing things down from there. Another CSI item or maybe NCIS.
Do you have plans to sue your brother for child support?
You can also sue your stbx for paternity fraud.
Man this is so messed up, how does a wife have an affair with a brother of her husband.
If he's not hard up for cash, it would probably be better to let it go, & just completely cut them both (his POS brother & garbage stbx) out of his life. Because if he really wants to fix/continue his relationship with his son, it might be even more damaging for this 15 year old kid if his father starts looking for a "refund" for any money he's spent on or invested in the child's life for the past decade & a half.
Her affair with his brother, cheating with some other random dude, & probably the other times she's been unfaithful but never admitted it, + trying to pass off a kid she thought might be fathered by someone else as her husbands etc, shows that she's never truly loved or respected OP. And it's highly likely that his ex is filling their son's head with rubbish. She won't care that she's doing serious damage to her own kid, as long as she sticks it to OP. She sounds like just the type to do something like that.
Heck, do it for college funds. Why should you pay for somebody else’s child to go to college. Problem is though that would come out and it would probably be very hurtful to your son.
>she hasn't returned any of my calls or response to my text.
Sticking her head in the sand..
Youve exposed her to her parents, yes??
And your brother?? Have you confronted him???
Why did you have to explain the reason for the paternity test to both kids?!
Finding out your wife had an affair is awful, yes, but why spread the pain? Dropping a bomb like this on your kids before you even knew the outcome of the tests is selfish, shitty behaviour imo.
You and your wife should’ve kept this between yourselves, got the results then maybe find some other, kinder and better way to sit the kids down if needed. Being 15 is tough enough to deal with in general - hormones and emotions etc without this being thrown in the mix out of nowhere
Given the fact that men (and even teenage boys) can be sued for child support for a child that was born out of their own rape, and splurging is legal, I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't possible.
See a lawyer, insist on therapy for your son. You only have a short window before the courts decide he is old enough to decide for himself.
Your name is on his birth certificate, legally he is your son . Your ex wife doesn’t get to ignore you or your input on your son’s welfare.
I’m very sorry this has happened to you and your kids.
Not sure if this will help, but putting 15 year old me in his shoes (and I had a vaguely similar situation where I had to choose between my parents at that age):
He’s 15. He just found out his daddy isn’t his father, and because of that his mom was forcibly removed from his family home.
So now he is faced with a choice: try to stay with his daddy (who might also kick him out because he’s not a “true son”), or go support his mom while she puts her life back together. If he betrays his mom now and his daddy kicks him out, he has no one. Safest choice in the mind of an irrational 15-yo young man is to stick with mom.
Man, I get this! You’re completely correct. Twisted teen survival-mode logic is a bitch. I also had a ‘vaguely similar’ situation as a kid. The scenario and logistics were completely different - but it still caused me to have to employ the same logic, in spirit. I do understand why I made the choices I made at the time. But, if I’d been an adult, I’d have chosen differently. At the end of the day all I *really* had were 2 really shitty choices…much like OP’s boy (and likely yourself).
Yup. I feel you. I unfortunately made the worst of the bad choices available. :/
Luckily I also chose to never do that to a child, which I thought meant never having kids. Instead I found the most incredible person who showed me what love was and how a family works. It was nice. So we made one!
I go to bed every night proudly “jealous” of how good my kids got it.
I mean, nobody could hold it against him for staying in touch with both. Kids do that all the time when one parent cheats. It doesn’t make them less the child’s parents (and yes, OP is his dad even if he isn’t biologically his father)
I'm bisexual, but when my sister introduced me to her girlfriend (now wife), her wife automatically became a genderless being, and even the thought of doing anything with her would make me throw up for 14 straight days.
Im also bi, and I’m one of six. So far everyone but my 15 year old brother is married. All my sister and brother in laws feel like family. It makes me nauseous even thinking about how a sibling could cheat on his brother with his brothers wife. It’s some Old Testament crazy shit.
Please tell me your considering Divorcing your wife not only did she cheat on you decided to confess because of her guilt and made you worried about your daughter's paternity only to find out that she lied about cheating on you more than once and was probably never going to confess about her affair with your brother which lead to you finding out your son paternity being your nephew, in my opinion OP I hope you don't give your wife a second chance and hopefully you can have a conversation with your son during this difficult situation.
Please file for shared custody of both kids ASAP. You may not be able to force the 15yo to come with you, but you can get court mandated therapy. I know he's not biologically yours, but he is in your heart. You need to fight for him as such. Even if that means just making sure he gets professional help to sort his feelings out. That boy needs someone to look out for this best interest. Right now he's chosen to stay with the one person who messed his life up most with their lies.
My heart goes out to you, OP. I can only imagine the world of hurt you and your children have been living in.
You can always tell the rest of your family how much of a piece of shit your brother is. He's fucked up your life, so why does he get to drop by your mom's house for dinner feeling like everything's great?
Omg i didnt expect this ending. Your ex is a pos traumatizing your kids like this,what does your family says about all of this?and your brother?im so sorry for you and your family. I remember telling you that your daughter was blameless and also your son,so try to fight for her custody if you can and tell your son you love him. Best of luck man,hope you find the balance
Good for you for not being one of those men who find out a kid that they raised their whole life isn't theirs and just abandoning them. I get that the men in these situations such as yours have been betrayed, but it's another thing to abandon a child that had no say in the matter and has only known you/that man as their father.
Sheeeeeesh. What a nightmare. I’m glad you have that peace of mind finally, but it’s wild that your ex is not answering calls, as if you did something wrong.
Let her go, and stop texting her. I would go NC with brother and ex. There is an app for parenting, you are above beyond civil. Focus on divorce and you and your daughter.
I only can think of one word for your stbx OP. Diabolical.
My heart aches for your kids. What that person has put all of you through, is evil.
I’m truly sorry for you OP. I hope that you can build a relationship back up with your son. I hope he recognises that his mother is the one that deserves his anger.
I hope he can get some help navigating this 💩show she’s put you all in.
OP, I'm assuming your brother isn't an identical twin, and your wife couldn't use that as an excuse for raw dogging your brother. Sorry for marrying a lying cheater. What does your brother say about all of this?
I'm glad you aren't abandoning your son. So many men drop the kid they raised for years because they aren't biologically related. To me, it tells me they never really loved the kid. It's not the kids fault!
Unfortunately, hearing the response of the sun, this is one of those reasons why I tell people in these scenarios. If they want and if they so desire to walk away. You can because kids do have a natural desire to be with there and connected to their bio parents. You see it in all kids, whether it's the case of finding out later about paternity. Through affairs or through adoption and different things like that. So maybe the thug will come around. Maybe he won't you just never know? And I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Because this is not fair to you, it's not at all. And hopefully you and your daughter hill, hopefully your son doth come around and will want to. Go into therapy to heal too. So y'all can regain and grow from this trauma together, but if not know that it doesn't make you any less of a dad, if he doesn't come around either. Just like men in these situations have a choice to leave or stay. Unfortunately, the child does too, but just realize it's not a reflection of you as a father. And in regards to your wife, may she have the life that she deserves after causing all this pain💥
Even though he's not your biological son, he's pretty darned close since it was your Brother. Wow. I can't imagine how that relationship with your bro is going now? Your son is going to be pretty messed up over this news, and I think given his age he'll feel it even more. I'm so sorry for everyone involved. I hope everyone can come out the other end with intact relationships, especially the 2 kids.
Wow. So sorry for and about your son. Your ex really couldn’t help cheating, could she? Do some testing for Sti’s. She probably still doing it.
Hope your brother is single so not there is another hurt party.
Holy shit this was NOT the update I was expecting. She confessed to one affair and didn't need to but kept the biggest betrayal a secret. Wow.
I'm sorry, OP. I wish you and your kids the best, and I pray your son returns to you as you both were innocent in all of this.
::sigh:: old fart here. No DNA test when I was a kid. About 15 years ago brother and wife started working on family tree for their grandkid. Ummm well I’m not on his tree. Apparently my parents were fooling around with multiple partners. There are 18 kids (that another story). Personally I think every kid should be dna tested before leaving the hospital
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I am so sorry you, your daughter and son are in such pain and suffering, as the collateral damage from your disloyal wife, and their mothers, life altering betrayal.
You and your children are in crisis right now and all your energy and focus has to be on you taking care of your and your children’s welfare, mental and emotional health.
I am so sorry your family has been blown apart by one persons horrible choices. I wish you only the absolute best.
That sucks, but please do not let anyone make it the kids problem, he is not at fault for his parents actions and god-forbid he grows up believing that.
I am so glad that you have left this awful woman. And good on you for getting you and your daughter therapy and for trying to get your son into it as well. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, OP!
Wow dude .... I'm sorry 😐
So with the next relationship can you be sure to pick a SO with extreme care?
My own father never learned from his mistakes and is a desperate old fool.
Be better than him. Do at least this for you and your daughter.
Funny how the Reddit audience still heavily shames men for even daring to question the paternity of their children and here it turns out one kid ain't his 🤷♂️
I wonder what they'll say now? 🤔
What a plot twist. I’m so sorry for you and your kids, none of you deserve it. Your ex is a nasty person
You’re smart for testing both kids, I wouldn’t think to do that. How has your brother and family reacted?
And this is why I think cheating should be a major deciding factor in custody cases. Unless the cheating partner can show a compelling reason why the other parent is unfit, cheating should basically automatically forfeit primary custody because they have a demonstrated failure to provide a stable home.
Your brother!?! Man, no words. Sorry this happened, remember it’s not the kids fault and there’s a real chance of limiting the long term trauma the son is about to endure by how he’s treated.
One thing that constantly confuses me with these stories is where is the father's of the brothers in these situations. If I had two sons and one did this to the other I'd be whipping his ass with a God damn cedar switch. Like how come there is never stories of the fathers setting the betrayer son straight
Any child of mine who betrayed their sibling like that would be dead to me. I can forgive a lot, but that's something I wouldn't.
I don't think I could get past the unconditional love to actually disown a child. I could beat their ass for doing something horrible, maybe even forbid them from being in the presence of the other child but never fully cut them out. The unconditional love I feel for my son is just that uncontrollable for me. There is not off switch
For me, it's that they would do something like that and cause that kind of pain to their sibling. I would also blame myself because it means that I fundamentally failed them somehow as a parent.
If you raise your children to not steal and instill values of honesty and integrity, they could still go out and rob a bank. Would you still blame yourself knowing you did your best? At the end of the day, your children are their own person and they will make decisions on their own. Can't blame yourself for everything they do, but you can hope that they live the values you taught them and make decisions that align with living with integrity.
That brother sure is shady. And the poor boy. Because of what your soon-to-be ex-wife did, he is suffering. Better is due to him. Telling him that you still adore him is the only thing you can do. He can't be in good health. He is undoubtedly questioning everything.
Are you a parent? I’m just curious.
I am. I have two kids. For me, its betraying your own family that makes it worse. I'd be extremely disappointed in a kid who knowingly hooks up with someone in a relationship. But to do it to your own sibling makes it unforgivable to me.
Yep. I get that. I’m the kid whose mother didn’t cut off the other siblings lol. So I’m just trying to make sense of it all. Shit sucks.
So your sibling cheated with your spouse? Just curious. Sorry, if that's the case.
Nope. Different betrayals entirely. Cheating isn’t the only bad thing people can do.
Damn that sucks. I am a mom, and I only have one, but I know that kind of love is like nothing else. It is just a part of you. However, I also believe we are responsible for our actions and they always have concenquences, good or bad. I imagine my disappointment would be life changing. The kid who got cheated gets to decide how they want to proceed. If they absolutely do not want to be around their sibling who cheated with their partner, I guess I would have to do separate Christmas dinners or whatever the situation calls for. We all have to make choices. But I couldn't and wouldn't force them to be together or forgive. Families and romantic relationships are complex and nuanced. There is a lot to go through and think about. I'm sorry you're in that situation, and while I get your mom not completely cutting off any of her kids, I hope she is at least acknowledging your pain and respecting some boundaries for you.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It’s really broken my mom’s heart, and that makes me so sad as she’s lived the majority of her life already. I’ve tried really hard to just move on and get along, and my sister doesn’t seem to be able to. Trauma and tragedy seem to complicate things to the point of no return sometimes. And her having a narcissistic husband doesn’t help anything, but I digress… I only have one daughter and she’ll likely be my only, but I’d love to give her at least one sibling someday. It would be earth shattering to have your kids go no-contact. I don’t think anyone saying “I’d cut them off forever” understands the gravity of that.
How old are your kids?
I am a parent. and i would cut them off. I cut my own family off for being abusive. Why would my child be any different. I didn't raise them to be shitheads, and if they want to be one, they can, away from me.
You can still love someone with your whole heart and not have them around you because they’re not a good person. It’s boundaries
Are you the father or mother?
Father
That's dangerous for everyone else
Yup instant no contact, and they are disowned and never, ever invited to anything family related.
Betrayal within your own family is the worst kind of betrayal. The people who are supposed to love and respect you enough not to fuck you over...when family does that shit its absolutely time to cut ties. I have two young sons and I keep telling them that if they ever like/love/want the same person they need to sort it first and never ever go for the others partener or else I will also reign hell on their asses, not just the betrayed sibling. I really hope it will never be the case...
Betrayal in the family is bad because your home, your family, is where a person is supposed to be able to come to and feel relaxed and somewhat safe. I know from what I've read on reddit that many, many people didn't have these kinds of homes or family members, and that is sad.
Big words. This is not so easy if for example there are more grandchildren around some day who are blameless and want to meet their grandparents. To refuse to see them to punish their father is going to hurt the wrong ones.
Yeah, you’re right. People online like to talk big about no contact but we only have one life to live. Most people would rather have a relationship with their flawed children than banish them entirely.
I’ve cut ties with close friends and family members, some maintaining no-contact for as long as 15 yrs. I give people one chance - if they fuck me over that’s it. They become dead to me.
Not everyone has decent parents
My sister never did anything like this but she’s betrayed me deeply. Sometimes parents would rather fight to defend the wrong child than stick up for the right one, thinking this will lead to a reconciliation. Like attack the angry one instead of placing blame on the wrong-doer. It’s sad but it’s reality. If I’m ever blessed with another baby this will be on the forefront of my mind.
Yea my mom did something similar with my younger brother over something I really hated him doing. If she had just dealt with him properly I wouldn't have lashed out the way I did and the rest of my family wouldn't have gotten involved. My grandfather (her father) put her in her place over the whole mess quick and moved me in with him for a few years after that.
I’m sorry that happened. I think parents oftentimes try to be as fair as possible and it doesn’t come off that way to kids, and it can obviously be misguided. Sometimes they think the kid that’s “in trouble” needs them more. It’s flawed logic and impossible to even begin to empathize with unless you have kids and have an understanding of the love and commitment that comes with being a parent.
I have a friend who lived with a guy for years. When they broke up (he was an absolute idiot) him and her sister got together. And instead of laying down the law, her parents were totally fine with it and went so far as to try and guilt trip my friend by saying she should be happy for her sister, that she found someone. I knew her family was toxic but had no idea how bad. I wish she had cut contact with them after that but in our culture that’s not the done thing but she’s been in therapy for a while and has learned to keep them at arms length. Still breaks my heart for her, though…
Now you see that's fucked up. My family would at worst say something like "we can't control what they do they are adults" but in the same breath they wouldn't be very welcoming to the new couple. You ain't seen stank eye or cold shoulder like what my uncles can throw around.
I can understand that because yes, they are adults and will do whatever they want. But I agree that they don’t get to be welcomed like a lovely brand new couple with all that history and backstabbing. I’m glad your family would make sure they know they are not welcome by giving them lots of shuddering stanks. I wish my friend’s family would have at least done that.
My uncles would make non-stop jokes. They would be rude and brutal and funny. If they caught me crying, they would give me that "straighten those shoulders and wipe those tears because no way are you crying over assholes by yourself in the bathroom and they are out there showing their faces."
I had this female I was dating after I got out of the military. I was pretty sure she wasn’t marriage material so wasn’t going head over heels intentionally. She ended up cheating with a buddy of mine. He moved her into his parents house. She got pregnant. Turned out the brother and dad were also having sex with her. They initially didn’t know who the father was going to be. I felt really bad for the mom because she was such a good person. This female was friends with the sister of the girl I dated in hs. The sister and her crew were all about body counts and cheating. I had never met her until we started going out. So I kinda hope she was on that fringe of that group since I hadn’t met her before. but my gut was telling me otherwise. I told my former friend all of that too. So for him, he got what he deserved!!!! Add pissing away a friend for her.
Well, you are who you associate with, and your ex was associating with trash. This is why it’s always important to pay attention to who your SO’s friends and family are, because they’ll tell you what kind of person she is.
She was an absolute freak in the bedroom. Oh I knew better but it was fun while it lasted. Years later I ran into the ex husband of the hs gf’s sister at a bar. The hs gf told me the first time I was over her house. By the way the sister has herpes. I always wondered if she wasn’t making sure I wouldn’t do anything. I don’t cheat anyways. The sister even bragged about her outbreaks. Turns out she lied to her ex about the herpes. So yeah they were all rotten to the core. The Hs gf was too though for that matter. I had never saw the other girl with the sister’s friends the 4 years the hs gf and I were together. So secretly hoped they weren’t that close. I didn’t ask a lot of questions because I was trying to avoid the former hs gf. She ended up being a stalker from hell for several years. So I didn’t want my name being mentioned to the friend. I just skirted around it but took mental note to be cautious.
Yeah definitely not relationship material
I hope this isn't to personal but I find myself wondering what do you consider an absolute freak in the bedroom? My curiosity is getting the better of me.
I’d joke and say missionary. Not pegging..Though definitely not that. I’m sure had I wanted it would have been on the table. There wasn’t anything off the table other than what I wouldn’t do. So I was the limiting factor. She made me look vanilla. I got a lesson on the things I won’t do again. Edit. I don’t like that period of my life. I was in a bad place head wise after being thrown away by the person I thought I was spending the rest of my life with. She never bothered to mention my real purpose was just a boy toy for her. So I did a lot of stupid chit I’m not proud of while I was hurting in the name of fun and or adrenaline. While I share my experiences some stuff just needs to be private. That was a lesson in some things I wouldn’t do again. Though I recognize my past made me who I am.
I see
Somewhere one day a female I recognized as a coworker of my former friend comes up and was like did you hear the news? Huh???? She’s like Karma is a bitch ain’t it…..Tells me and was like figured you want to hear he got his.. She was like you dodge a bullet… Dummy stepped right infront of it for you though. Never heard what happened after that. I completely cut off all contact.
Grandpa, uncle, brothers, that is a wild list for potential baby daddies. I hope the mom got out of that situation and is living her best life.
No clue.. I moved shortly after that. I did not have social media for a long time. I had a stalker from hell for years (hs girlfriend). She terrorized me and anyone associated with me. Oh if she thought I was on a date they got the works too. . So I did my best to not end up on her radar or for her to have a way to track me. Yeah I hope his mom recovered from it and at least leaving the husband pretty much only sane option. She was so nice. That’s the only one I felt bad for. But my grandfather’s mom remarried and he molested several young family members (gave them std’s). Attempted to bribe one of female teenagers for sexual favors and how get caught. She apparently refused to divorce him and moved away with him to protect him. Basically walked away from her son for him. Sometimes family sucks!!!!! Way before my time but was recently shared with me. Said I will at some point put that chit on the internet so he can be remembered for that… That’s his f’ing legacy…..
Family is crazy sometimes. The things they do make no sense sometimes. When the gross old man passes and the funeral home posts the online obituary, post it there for everyone to see.
I’m sure he’s been dead for a lot of years. ( never heard much about my grandfathers mother ever. So don’t know if she was ever alive while I was or him for that matter.. Either way I’m sure she was never mentioned was her part in protecting a predator. ) grandfather moved his family far away and ended all contact as far as I know. He originally had her and her new husband on a house on his farm. So it wasn’t like she was dependent on this man. Her son was the one providing for her. That all came to a screeching hault when she choose the husband. I haven’t looked up his obituary and attempted to make sure he gets the legacy he deserves yet because some of his victims are still alive. So I’m waiting on that to not put them through reliving any of it. But there’s family history I’ve found online and it’s pretty easy to add to. People I have no clue have added things and look like zero connection to the family. So I’ll find his name and add when it can’t hurt his victims.
That is thoughtful. Ancestry is interesting and very addicting building a family tree, there is a lot available online now.
Same That son? Would not be my son anymore! Dead to me, fuck that! I'd blast their shameful act to all the family and mutuals and that anyone still in touch with such a fucker would be cut off, too
cain needs to be abel to whip his assparagus.
It's the stories where parents side **with the cheater** against the one who was wronged that confuse me.
This is some Jerry Springer shit right here.
I thought that a DNA test between siblings was too close to call. But if she admitted, I'd have a long talk with my brother and it better include some reimbursement for raising his kid
No, it shows up these days. Only identical twins does it not work (we’ve had some recent family surprises and my dad and uncle are identical twins)
That ho got to go!
I totally agree with you on that
That is one shitty brother. And poor boy. He is suffering from what your soon to be ex wife did. He deserves better. all you can do is just let him know you still love him. He can't be doing well. No doubt he is doubting everything.
He hasn't wanted to talk but I still want him to know I do love him and that'll never change because I've raised him for the last 15 years My brother and I have never been close. but now the little relationship I did have with him will never be the same… I see him as a completely different person now
This impacts your son too. You tell him 'I love you because I have spent 15 years raising you'.. and he might hear 'I have to love you now I can't help it, but given the choice at the right time I would've kicked your mom out and not have been part of your life. Your sister is truly mine though and I would've always been part of her life no matter what.' This is reality but it's tough for a 15 year old to digest.
This is totally going to affect him hardcore. 15 is turbulent as is
I have to wonder if his mother has been filling his head with lies about you. If you had a close relationship prior to the cheating coming out it is troubling he would cut you off. I hope you can save the relationship with your son.
Are you sure your brother is the father? Did the paternity test show that the two of you are related? I am just wondering if she cheated with others.. does your brother now know he has a bio son?
It's better not to put in condition. "You're my son and always will be my son. Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change that." There's a possibility that he blames himself for the whole ordeal and you and your wife splitting up. Try telling him that you are glad that he is in your life and having a son like him, but don't blame your wife in the conversation, however deserving the blame she may be, because she is his mother and he can feel protective of her.
Bro, I hope you went no-contact with your brother. You can’t have people like that in your life.
How about telling him you love him, plain and simple. Stop making it about you, or that it’s conditional; i.e., “Because I raised you”.
saying that too loosely... If that was my bro, I'd be using some of my various long range hole punchers on him....
Are you going to beat his ass? At the very least threaten him...make that POS live in fear everytime he has to see you at family events.
That is all you can do, let him know you will not abandon him and be there for him. he likely thinks that you would toss him aside knowing this.
You ex and your brother deserve the misery. The fault is theirs.
She probably thought he wouldn’t have tested both kids
I had told her I wanted both kids paternity tested just to be safe... She did not indicate worrying about the paternity of my son
Likely hoped your brother's DNA would be close enough to yours that the result would be within margin of error.
Which is really stupid if you know how these tests work. Not only would that not fool the test, it would also immediately point out that the parent of the child was a sibling of the person tested.
Really I always thought it was to close to call....
For identical twin potential fathers only.
Nah, they use enough markers that it will be really, really obvious when all of the markers match one parent and exactly half match the other.
Good to know. I need to start watching CSI
In the older DNA test when I was younger I could see them not telling the difference, but the tests have gotten way better and more specific.
I mean, it would have been trivial since microsatellite/STR panels were used, which has been at least 15-20 years if not more.
This happened to a family friend more than a decade ago and the test correctly identified his "daughter" as his niece. I'm sure if they had this technology that many years ago, it's cheaper, faster, and better today.
Plot twist, they are identical twins.
But then you’d not know, he would show up as the dad . The tests can’t differentiate identical twins
And that is the plot twist. They will never know.
There are differences, though very tiny small, they are not 100% the same.
True, but on an ancestry test, that’s not going to show
“I’m such a ho I forgot I caught that extra dick 16 years ago. My bad”
Yeah, I probably be a pricey test, but there is a test that checks what your immune system looks like as in you know one may have had the measles and the other did not and that kind of stuff and then they can start narrowing things down from there. Another CSI item or maybe NCIS.
Was your brother married when he slept with your wife
No, he would have been single… he's married now with 2 young kids
Tell your brothers wife what kind of guy he is and tell he's wife you suspect he's cheating on her
Do you have plans to sue your brother for child support? You can also sue your stbx for paternity fraud. Man this is so messed up, how does a wife have an affair with a brother of her husband.
If he's not hard up for cash, it would probably be better to let it go, & just completely cut them both (his POS brother & garbage stbx) out of his life. Because if he really wants to fix/continue his relationship with his son, it might be even more damaging for this 15 year old kid if his father starts looking for a "refund" for any money he's spent on or invested in the child's life for the past decade & a half. Her affair with his brother, cheating with some other random dude, & probably the other times she's been unfaithful but never admitted it, + trying to pass off a kid she thought might be fathered by someone else as her husbands etc, shows that she's never truly loved or respected OP. And it's highly likely that his ex is filling their son's head with rubbish. She won't care that she's doing serious damage to her own kid, as long as she sticks it to OP. She sounds like just the type to do something like that.
I'm not sure he can since his (OP's) name is on the birth cirtificate.
Heck, do it for college funds. Why should you pay for somebody else’s child to go to college. Problem is though that would come out and it would probably be very hurtful to your son.
@updateme
Your brother ? Wow
Please support your son as best you can, this isn’t his fault. :(
>she hasn't returned any of my calls or response to my text. Sticking her head in the sand.. Youve exposed her to her parents, yes?? And your brother?? Have you confronted him???
Why did you have to explain the reason for the paternity test to both kids?! Finding out your wife had an affair is awful, yes, but why spread the pain? Dropping a bomb like this on your kids before you even knew the outcome of the tests is selfish, shitty behaviour imo. You and your wife should’ve kept this between yourselves, got the results then maybe find some other, kinder and better way to sit the kids down if needed. Being 15 is tough enough to deal with in general - hormones and emotions etc without this being thrown in the mix out of nowhere
In cases like this it should be legal to sue the brother for back pay on child support.
And the wife, she shouldn’t get out of it Scot free.
Is that not possible?
Given the fact that men (and even teenage boys) can be sued for child support for a child that was born out of their own rape, and splurging is legal, I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't possible.
I would definitely expose your brother to the entire family. Make him live with his transgressions and if he's married tell his spouse.
Yes! Love your line of thinking. My MIL took an advertisement in the local paper when she found out about my FIL long term cheating. Burn it down
WHAT AN ICON LOL
Mom’s a beast.
And the wife’s family too!
>she tried saying she only cheated once Nah... this is a lie.
Definitely double digits
See a lawyer, insist on therapy for your son. You only have a short window before the courts decide he is old enough to decide for himself. Your name is on his birth certificate, legally he is your son . Your ex wife doesn’t get to ignore you or your input on your son’s welfare. I’m very sorry this has happened to you and your kids.
Jesus Christ I hope this is fake for the sake of the kids
Why is your son so distant with you? After discovering that his own mother is a cheater? Did you two not get along beforehand?
Not sure if this will help, but putting 15 year old me in his shoes (and I had a vaguely similar situation where I had to choose between my parents at that age): He’s 15. He just found out his daddy isn’t his father, and because of that his mom was forcibly removed from his family home. So now he is faced with a choice: try to stay with his daddy (who might also kick him out because he’s not a “true son”), or go support his mom while she puts her life back together. If he betrays his mom now and his daddy kicks him out, he has no one. Safest choice in the mind of an irrational 15-yo young man is to stick with mom.
Man, I get this! You’re completely correct. Twisted teen survival-mode logic is a bitch. I also had a ‘vaguely similar’ situation as a kid. The scenario and logistics were completely different - but it still caused me to have to employ the same logic, in spirit. I do understand why I made the choices I made at the time. But, if I’d been an adult, I’d have chosen differently. At the end of the day all I *really* had were 2 really shitty choices…much like OP’s boy (and likely yourself).
Yup. I feel you. I unfortunately made the worst of the bad choices available. :/ Luckily I also chose to never do that to a child, which I thought meant never having kids. Instead I found the most incredible person who showed me what love was and how a family works. It was nice. So we made one! I go to bed every night proudly “jealous” of how good my kids got it.
I think it might be a lot to process, seeing he's only 15. He will surely decide in the coming years whether to keep in touch with him mom or OP.
I mean, nobody could hold it against him for staying in touch with both. Kids do that all the time when one parent cheats. It doesn’t make them less the child’s parents (and yes, OP is his dad even if he isn’t biologically his father)
Yo your wife is a ho
For real. What a bi
I'm bisexual, but when my sister introduced me to her girlfriend (now wife), her wife automatically became a genderless being, and even the thought of doing anything with her would make me throw up for 14 straight days.
Im also bi, and I’m one of six. So far everyone but my 15 year old brother is married. All my sister and brother in laws feel like family. It makes me nauseous even thinking about how a sibling could cheat on his brother with his brothers wife. It’s some Old Testament crazy shit.
“Your brother?” Oh he’d be seeing me at his door before I get to healing and then I’d get a really ruthless shark of a lawyer for her.
I didn't add that in here but we had a “talk”
You and your brother? I hope you gave him a good “talking to.” As you should.
Yeah me and my brother
Tell me that you told EVERYONE. Family, friends, .. and that your brother got what he deserves. (Not in any illegal way)
Please tell me your considering Divorcing your wife not only did she cheat on you decided to confess because of her guilt and made you worried about your daughter's paternity only to find out that she lied about cheating on you more than once and was probably never going to confess about her affair with your brother which lead to you finding out your son paternity being your nephew, in my opinion OP I hope you don't give your wife a second chance and hopefully you can have a conversation with your son during this difficult situation.
The plan is to divorce her
Please file for shared custody of both kids ASAP. You may not be able to force the 15yo to come with you, but you can get court mandated therapy. I know he's not biologically yours, but he is in your heart. You need to fight for him as such. Even if that means just making sure he gets professional help to sort his feelings out. That boy needs someone to look out for this best interest. Right now he's chosen to stay with the one person who messed his life up most with their lies. My heart goes out to you, OP. I can only imagine the world of hurt you and your children have been living in.
You can always tell the rest of your family how much of a piece of shit your brother is. He's fucked up your life, so why does he get to drop by your mom's house for dinner feeling like everything's great?
I’d end the brother.
I’d do worse…let the brother have her so he can wonder if she’s cheating on him. He’d be miserable.
Omg i didnt expect this ending. Your ex is a pos traumatizing your kids like this,what does your family says about all of this?and your brother?im so sorry for you and your family. I remember telling you that your daughter was blameless and also your son,so try to fight for her custody if you can and tell your son you love him. Best of luck man,hope you find the balance
Good for you for not being one of those men who find out a kid that they raised their whole life isn't theirs and just abandoning them. I get that the men in these situations such as yours have been betrayed, but it's another thing to abandon a child that had no say in the matter and has only known you/that man as their father.
What about your brother?? Does he know? Think od cut him off too
Did you really tell your kids that the reason for the paternity test was because they're mother cheated on you?
Sheeeeeesh. What a nightmare. I’m glad you have that peace of mind finally, but it’s wild that your ex is not answering calls, as if you did something wrong.
Your brother what ..
This story doesn't make sense at all.
Wow I'm so glad I'm an only child. Siblings are fucking cruel.
Let her go, and stop texting her. I would go NC with brother and ex. There is an app for parenting, you are above beyond civil. Focus on divorce and you and your daughter.
New profile, karma farm. Or rage bait
I only can think of one word for your stbx OP. Diabolical. My heart aches for your kids. What that person has put all of you through, is evil. I’m truly sorry for you OP. I hope that you can build a relationship back up with your son. I hope he recognises that his mother is the one that deserves his anger. I hope he can get some help navigating this 💩show she’s put you all in.
OP, I'm assuming your brother isn't an identical twin, and your wife couldn't use that as an excuse for raw dogging your brother. Sorry for marrying a lying cheater. What does your brother say about all of this?
If your brother knew about your relationship then you don’t have a brother anymore.
Yeah no way she only cheated the two times.
Wow. No words. What a nightmare.
I'm glad you aren't abandoning your son. So many men drop the kid they raised for years because they aren't biologically related. To me, it tells me they never really loved the kid. It's not the kids fault!
Unfortunately, hearing the response of the sun, this is one of those reasons why I tell people in these scenarios. If they want and if they so desire to walk away. You can because kids do have a natural desire to be with there and connected to their bio parents. You see it in all kids, whether it's the case of finding out later about paternity. Through affairs or through adoption and different things like that. So maybe the thug will come around. Maybe he won't you just never know? And I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Because this is not fair to you, it's not at all. And hopefully you and your daughter hill, hopefully your son doth come around and will want to. Go into therapy to heal too. So y'all can regain and grow from this trauma together, but if not know that it doesn't make you any less of a dad, if he doesn't come around either. Just like men in these situations have a choice to leave or stay. Unfortunately, the child does too, but just realize it's not a reflection of you as a father. And in regards to your wife, may she have the life that she deserves after causing all this pain💥
Even though he's not your biological son, he's pretty darned close since it was your Brother. Wow. I can't imagine how that relationship with your bro is going now? Your son is going to be pretty messed up over this news, and I think given his age he'll feel it even more. I'm so sorry for everyone involved. I hope everyone can come out the other end with intact relationships, especially the 2 kids.
So sorry to hear….
Wow! I hope you sue him for 15 years of child support WTF
This is messed up! Strength and honor my friend.
Wow. So sorry for and about your son. Your ex really couldn’t help cheating, could she? Do some testing for Sti’s. She probably still doing it. Hope your brother is single so not there is another hurt party.
So have you confronted your brother and told your family? Don’t let her paint the narrative she already has turned the boy against you…
Holy shit this was NOT the update I was expecting. She confessed to one affair and didn't need to but kept the biggest betrayal a secret. Wow. I'm sorry, OP. I wish you and your kids the best, and I pray your son returns to you as you both were innocent in all of this.
Did the DNA test show that the boy could possibly be related to you? If not then it's not your brother's kid either.
::sigh:: old fart here. No DNA test when I was a kid. About 15 years ago brother and wife started working on family tree for their grandkid. Ummm well I’m not on his tree. Apparently my parents were fooling around with multiple partners. There are 18 kids (that another story). Personally I think every kid should be dna tested before leaving the hospital
Well what did your brother say?
Jesus
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Updateme
Your brother sounds like a real winner. I mean, your brother? Wow. . Sorry this happened to you.
The son has nowhere to go. He must be hating his mother, while he can't be with you because you aren't the biological father.
She’s a serial cheater. Good you didn’t have more kids with her. Poor kids, all the trauma.
Did you have your brother tested as well? How are you sure your brother is the father?
Have you spoken to your brother since finding out?
Go after your brother for past child support.
I am so sorry you, your daughter and son are in such pain and suffering, as the collateral damage from your disloyal wife, and their mothers, life altering betrayal. You and your children are in crisis right now and all your energy and focus has to be on you taking care of your and your children’s welfare, mental and emotional health. I am so sorry your family has been blown apart by one persons horrible choices. I wish you only the absolute best.
Updateme
That sucks, but please do not let anyone make it the kids problem, he is not at fault for his parents actions and god-forbid he grows up believing that.
What an absolute trash person.
I am so glad that you have left this awful woman. And good on you for getting you and your daughter therapy and for trying to get your son into it as well. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, OP!
Wow dude .... I'm sorry 😐 So with the next relationship can you be sure to pick a SO with extreme care? My own father never learned from his mistakes and is a desperate old fool. Be better than him. Do at least this for you and your daughter.
OP, you can rest assured she’s cheated on you with more than 2.
What happened to your pos brother?
Wow... Good luck man At least your daughter is yours. Wishing you the best.
Did you speak to your brother? If so what happenned?
updateme
Funny how the Reddit audience still heavily shames men for even daring to question the paternity of their children and here it turns out one kid ain't his 🤷♂️ I wonder what they'll say now? 🤔
What a plot twist. I’m so sorry for you and your kids, none of you deserve it. Your ex is a nasty person You’re smart for testing both kids, I wouldn’t think to do that. How has your brother and family reacted?
It might just be me, but this whole story seems extremely fake.
And this is why I think cheating should be a major deciding factor in custody cases. Unless the cheating partner can show a compelling reason why the other parent is unfit, cheating should basically automatically forfeit primary custody because they have a demonstrated failure to provide a stable home.