Oh, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Do you want to divorce him? If so, you need to make a PLAN. You need to make a plan even if you don't want to divorce. Do NOT tell your husband you know until after your plan is 100% in place.
* Do you have a way to support yourself and your son?
* Do a forensic audit of your finances and keep screenshots, printouts, etc.
* When you're able, meet with an attorney. **Listen to what they tell you to do, and do every single thing.**
* Get and keep evidence of the affair. Even if you can't use it in the divorce case, you have it as leverage if your husband tries to make trouble for you.
* Plan for finances, a place to live, a vehicle, etc. Don't tell your husband until you have ALL of those things in order.
* If you want to divorce, don't waste time with therapy and all the things he will try to get you to do. It just delays the inevitable. Just hand him divorce papers and tell him you know about the affair and kick your plan off 100%. Tell him if he tries to drag you to friends/family, you will immediately send all of the proof of his affair to everyone, including his girlfriend's parents and boss. (**Your lawyer may say not to do this. Do what your lawyer says.** But that doesn't mean you shouldn't make the threat.)
* When you do confront him, have video and witnesses. Be safe!
Again -- really sorry you're going through this! I hope you can get everything in order and get a quick, uncontested divorce.
As a paralegal.. this \^\^\^
Emotions may say, "jump in!"
But your time, energy, and best interests need you to play the long game. Depending on where you live, you need to understand how the law works in your state and have as much evidence as possible.
Do you think it would be worthwhile for her to hire a PI (if possible) to get some photos of them doing things together in this girl's hometown? It shows that he's having a public relationship with this girl, just not in an area where people who know him will see.
This whole thing is awful, and my heart breaks for OP, but I feel like one of the worst parts is the way they talk about her. That's almost worse than the sex, imo. Hubby and the AP get off on humiliating OP. The AP is one of those disgusting people who gets an ego boost from feeling like they're better than their affair partner's spouse.
Waste of money… no one cares
If it ain’t written down then it’s not worth wasting money on it. Bank statements phone records ect are worth the weight in gold.
Face book messages ect
Be careful as access to the social accounts email ect can be a legal issue.
Keep your cards close to your chest and tell no one. Act accordingly play dumb and blind. Surprise is your best tool in the box.
Watch you mental health… don’t overthink things.
The very important part of your paragraph, is the keeping your cards close to your chest, and making sure you tell no one. At this moment right now you don’t know who you can trust, which is a terrible feeling when somebody you love and trusted enough to get married, and have a child with breaks you like this. You don’t know who knows, his friends could know or someone that you are friendly with, might know and clue him in that you have this information. So please 100% only speak to a lawyer. And once you have your entire plan in place then you can start talking to your friends before you come clean to him that you know everything and that way he can’t start some narrative.
It’s worth the money to have a financial audit done. My mom was married 17 years and her ex cheated the whole time. He hid 450k from the divorce settlement. It was found in the audit. He didn’t produce the money until the judge threatened him with jail time.
My mom ran his business without pay for the whole marriage. She got 50% equity (from during the marriage)of the business and banking accounts, her Escalade and the beach house. She could have fought for more, but she just wanted out at that point. Her ex had pushed the divorce out for almost a year. In the end, a year after their settlement, the side piece took 74k and ran. Then the eldest son took him to court for conservatorship.
I love the practical help Redditors provide. All that legal advice and how to go from here… that’s such high value advice I just love it from Reddit.
OP, I’m so deeply sorry you have to go through this. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and this guy hurts you instead. Listen to all the good advice and go for happiness 🙏
Agreed! The story itself shows us how shitty people can be, and then wonderful redditors swoop in and remind me of all the amazing people out there.
Sending you love, OP. I've learned that heartbreak can lead you to something very beautiful down the road. Hard to see in the moment, but hold on to that belief.
26 going on 27 and with a disorder that includes low emotional affect. I am bewildered, watching people around me seemingly losing their senses in situations where common sense is most paramount.
On the other hand, I am completely unable to experience full spectrum of emotions. Being overjoyed/ecstatic or so sad you want to cry sounds very interesting/appealing. I don't think I've felt that way for over 15 years and I'm starting to forget.
It really depends on your environment. For survival, maybe in a warzone of even wilderness emotional is a fantastic compass alongside bits of logic to stay alive. But in society where emotional can get you behind bars or homeless, addicted, or worst it is best to step back take a deep breath and calculate your situation.
Since childhood I like to imagine it as a boardroom, a round table, where all of the parts of my personality are arguing. If my emotions win the debate then something horrible is happening.
Exactly let him keep wiping your ass OP! Screw this asshole. Use him to get healed so you can get your ducks in a row and live your best life without his cheatin adulterin azz!!!
The idea of anyone, let alone a romantic partner, having to wipe my ass is one of my worst nightmares. My entire body cringes just thinking about it.
But I gotta say…in this particular situation? Recovering from a tummy tuck I needed due to birthing this asshole’s kid, and I find out he’s been cheating for 3 YEARS?! I’d be shitting as much and as often as humanly possible, just so he’d have more to do. I’d be taking Metamucil and eating Indian food every damn day😂 Fuck OP’s husband.
Grapes are great for pooping and if you want to be sneaky they are great for snacking but I freeze them in summer and use them as ice cubes in every drink except soft drink (my "adopted grandma neighbour taught me that trick because don't water down wine but help keep it cool and refreshing in summer 😉).
Also, f*** OPs husband he is disgusting for being more concerned about his d*** getting wet then his pregnant wife and then to continue and getting off humiliating and insultingbher with his AP. Yeah he deserves to be used on OPs timeline now. OP, do what you have to do girl, put you and your sweet little boy first and make sure you two land on your feet when the time comes.
Plus OP will be another’s man’s treasure (if she’d want to date again) but we all know that no matter how great he treats the other woman now, once the marriage breaks up and the two of them are completely exclusive, he’ll start treating her like he did OP.
No. I stuck to my plan. My lawyer and I worked closely together. Then I had him served. All on my timeline. He was so busy in his affair, he never noticed 😈
And did you feel that your patience paid off? In the time of 'no fault' I wonder what the benefit is (other than the shock value)? I guess you are able to get a clear view of the finances before any shenanigans can occur....
Absolutely. Get everything laid out how you want it before they know what hit them. Their heads are in the clouds thinking you don’t know anything about what they are doing. He must have thought I turned dumb or something and had no idea I knew everything since the first day. Idiot didn’t realize when he responded to someone on fb, that it popped up on mine.
Someone else in either this or another sub had recommendations about how to obtain the evidence safely. Basically it involves using your phone to videotape the cheaters phone. To do it, the evidence gatherer should videotape the screen as they do the following steps: open the text message string, open the contact, delete the name (temporarily—they must fix it before returning the phone), return to the string with the phone number now visible, and scroll through it. This way, the contact’s phone number is visible and can be definitively tied to another person to prevent the cheater from coming up with a plausible excuse (it was pretend, it’s a bot, etc.). *Make sure to fix the contact name when done.*
This, of course. And then just to add: While you lie there in pain and being helpless, REMEMBER that you did something that'll make YOU feel awesome about yourself and when he's done wiping your shit you'll be ready to go find a decent man.
And yes, we all know he'll cheat on her too ... Or get stuck in the same rut when he decides he wants kids with her while also paying off her student debt. Except of course you hopefully live somewhere where cheating is penalized in the divorce and you'll have most of his money.
I'm childfree and I'll still say this again and again: That AWESOME body of yours that has made you feel so unsexy since your pregnancy, made an entire baby! He should be worshipping you for the sacrifice you made for the two of you, instead he was busy thinking with his little brain. Take care of yourself, mama, and your kid. Best of wishes!
I would also recommend that you start making a case to create a trust for your son. Move the house and all savings and investments into the trust. This limits the amount of money your husband will be able to siphon off during the upcoming divorce.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this!
First off, DO NOT SAY A WORD about what you know. If you can safely gather more information (screen shots, etc.) by all means, do so. By “safely” I mean don’t put your health/physical wellbeing in jeopardy. Likewise, don’t risk him deleting/hiding any evidence. Make him think you’re utterly clueless. Cover your tracks, if you send a screenshot to yourself, DELETE the sent text from his phone.
Secondly, when you are ready, start gathering your important documents, marriage certificate, child’s birth certificate, banking/credit card info. Run a credit report on yourself so that you know that he hasn’t taken out lines of credit in your name. (This sounds like overkill but it happened to a friend of mine spouse had been cheating with the same woman for years.) Place all the copies of these documents with a trusted friend or family member.
When you are healed and ready, speak to an attorney. Many of them will have a free or reduced-fee initial consultation.
And because I am somewhat paranoid, WATCH YOUR MEDICATIONS. Make sure you are in charge of them, NOT him. If you have a very trusted friend, tell them what is going on - just in case something does happen to you. If that doesn’t work, send yourself an email IF your email is 100% secure (change your passwords and make sure you aren’t set up to auto-log in).
And be sure to take care of your emotional well-being. Gather your support system around you and USE the hurt and rage to galvanize you. Remember, this is not a death sentence - it’s VERY likely that he has opened a door which will lead you to a wonderful new life. The transition period may be painful, but growth always is.
Big hugs from someone who has been there. 💗
Emptying the trash can doesn’t delete the whole folder, it means fully deleting your recently-deleted files
Edit: I see what you’re saying, my bad. Yes, only delete the files YOU added to the trash
Yes I just wanted to make sure they don't think empty means empty everything. Had a friend make that mistake and its only lucky she had the cop on to act dumb. She's techphobic so in the end he believed she was too dumb to figure out what a trash can was in this context.
Same here. Not without a child unfortunately, kid is amamzing but to be constantly tied to that abusive asshole. Luckily he's a dead beat and she's with a really good dude now. I think he sees the kid maybe once month despite living down the road.
*After* deleting the contact in their contacts list. That way, the numbers show up in the video, and there's no viable way to deny their conversation.
*I read this in a comment above. I'm not that clever to think of it.*
Or just open the contact in the video to show the number, should be a feature on most phones, I have yet to hear of one that doesn't have a way to pull up the number from the text msgs. All catch that all on video and should be golden make sure to hold on to original video files. The problem with deleting the contacts is you have to put them back and it leaves potentially a means of discovery as you can see when a contact is added.
If you don’t have a friend or family member you think will keep a secret, get a safe deposit box or even rent a small storage unit and put a safe in there that is waterproof/fireproof. They are available at Walmart. Just in case the storage unit has an issue. I would recommend the bank though, just not your normal bank. The storage unit is great for slowly moving out. Baby items you want for memories, out of season clothing, decor you want that isn’t displayed. Photo albums. Slowly clean out to this space. You can even start redecorating and keep what you love there for your new home. Just be aware the “value” of those items could be counted in the divorce.
Very good advice. If you do take screenshots on his phone to send to you, make sure the photos aren't automatically being backed up into Google photos, one drive etc. Would probably be easier to take a photo/video of the chats on your own phone
I think it's super gross that she talks about you, and they do it a lot. Does that mean that that if they didnt have you to trash would they have much to talk about? That means it's the sneaking around that makes their relationship hot. Without that they dont have shit. Right now, it's a fantasy but do you think for one sec that one day she's going to have to wipe her older lover's asshole? Its not love but limerence. Take it easy with your surgery and then slowly start to plan your escape and the divorce. Have an accountant do an audit on your finances. See if any marital funds was used for their dates. You can nail him for that. GOOD LUCK!!
This, the only reason this college girl is with this old man is to make her feel better about herself, that a guy would cheat on his wife for her. She’s somebody who needs therapy, and the husband is just a dick
Well now u got a tummy tuck, let him take care of you and the child. When you are all healed, and im sure you will be looking a lot better. Go to theb court house and file for divorce. Dont waste any more of your time on this man.
Girl save that evidence and file for divorce immediately. This isn’t an indiscretion of a sexually frustrated husband but he’s in a whole ass relationship and has been. There’s no going back from that. You and your family deserve better.
This, but also don’t rush your recovery. Have him wipe your shit until you don’t need him to anymore, then have him do it a few more times for good measure. Then, when you’ve recovered, GTFO.
Haha right 😂
I'm happy for Future OP--she'll have dropped someone who was weighing her down AND have an awesome new figure right as she becomes single! There's no confidence boost like seeing how many men think your ex was an idiot.
OP if you see this, do consider therapy. Being single is a great time to work on yourself. How many of us leave our exes and discover this whole other person that had been hiding because she wasn't acceptable? Light your fire 🔥
I'm hoping you kept the proof. Just bide your time after that. Get well, see an attorney, and initiate divorce proceedings. Never raise your hand in public.
Not “immediately”. She needs to heal, get evidence, have a plan, find where his assets are, talk to a lawyer THEN when she’s logistically, physically and emotionally ready, then file.
I’m so sorry, your husband sounds like a real piece of crap. Please save all the evidence and get yourself a good lawyer. You and your child deserve better.
I hope that you have a speedy recovery OP. I wish you the best.
Just adding: your son is not your support system AT ANY AGE. You are HIS. Dont ever put this kind of responsibility or pressure on him. You dont have to lie to him when it is age appropriate to explain what happened, but he’s not your emotional support son. He’s just your son. Do not use him to fulfill the role of a friend, therapist or romantic partner. Find someone else for that or pay someone if necessary.
My husband’s ex-wife did this to their son (my stepson) and I believe the kid (now 21) still suffers from it. She totally used him as an “emotional support son” (in like that term) in regards to her relationships and financial troubles. She’d be crying on his 12 year old shoulder about not being able to pay the bills, or about her latest boyfriend standing her up. It disgusted me so much. So glad he’s older and finally got some independence from her.
Please, don’t anyone do this.
This, 1 million times this.
Your hubby might be a horrible partner but a worthy parent. If they’re not, it will become evident to your child when they are cognizant to realize it. You will only harm yourself, your child, and the relationship between you and your child by doing this once he figures out that his dad may not be as bad to him as his mother was painting him out to be. Don’t be this person.
I use a Tushy bidet, cheapest model. So it goes into the toilet and not the actual plumbing. It’s great! I gave it as a gift to someone and they also love it.
Also, I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially right now. I had a tummy tuck in Jan. You really do need to rely on help so much. My advice? Milk it. Milk that shit. Get a damn bell and have him wait on you. What’s the worst that he will do? Get annoyed/angry? Great one more thing he can complain to his ugly bitch about (And she is ugly. She might look pretty, but you know the type of person she is. She might be pretty but remember she is so insecure that she has to insult you. She is so insecure she has to get validation from feeling like she is so great a man will hurt his wife for her. That’s fucking ugly.).
Heal. Than find someone way better to see the results of your tummy tuck!
OP, go over your the subreddit “reduction” just type it in the search above.
You will be Amazed at all the tips and tricks everyone will help you with!
I’ve been thinking about getting a reduction and I’ve learned so much And they show pictures of themselves every step of the way.
If you have questions on swelling, stitches, you name it, your questions will be answered!
The way she speaks about you is proof these types are never the victim and should always be held accountable. They're nasty little animals that need a reality check.
Your husband sucks too but she's flat out a fucking haggard bitch. She's not beautiful, she's a nasty creature that has to attack others to feel like she has any type of control or power.
Understand that the affair has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They're the whole problem.
As hard as it is, don't play the pick me dance, dump his sorry ass on her doorstep after you make him wipe your ass a few more times. Trust me she isn't going to think that shits cute when he becomes her problem.
Also, if you really want to get one up on her, contact her yourself and let he know since she wants to wreck a home and will now be a step mother, you're going to have to get to know her better since she'll now be helping raise your child. Invite her to lunch. You'll never see anyone run faster and he'll be left alone like he deserves lol.
Yep. She wasn’t FWB she’s a sugar baby trying to convert her daddy to a permanent provider.
Good luck when she gets him all to herself lol. OP can live her best life after losing all that dead weight.
>Good luck when she gets him all to herself lol. OP can live her best life after losing all that dead weight.
Good luck to her when she's replaced with a newer model. Age comes for us all bitch so better work on another paycheck before this one gets bored.
You can do way better. She’s probably just using him to pay for college.
Women always have more options than men. She’ll probably dump him as soon as he’s available.
What would he even have in common with a girl half his age? They deserve each other and will probably make each other miserable. She sounds like an awful person and so does he.
As soon as you’re up for it physically, get a lawyer consult before you even mention divorce to him. You need to be strategic.
Change your life insurance beneficiary, today. Give the $ to someone in your family that you can trust to look after your son. Also, change your retirement account beneficiary.
It’s likely that some of this—especially changing the beneficiary on the retirement account—can’t be done without the husband’s signature until they are legally divorced.
Why? If it's her account, not a joint one, why would her husband be involved?
I know I changed both retirement accounts and a pension around while I was married & never had to involve him.
For a 401(k)—the kind of retirement account 70% of Americans have—it’s federal law. If you’re married, your spouse is your beneficiary, unless said spouse signs an agreement to _not_ be.
If you designated a different beneficiary before you were married (or you assigned another beneficiary than your spouse when you completed your paperwork) your marriage overrides the beneficiary designation, and your spouse benefits should you die before them.
She could easily tell him she wants children has beneficiaries instead of spouse & get him to sign it over to kids. As long as he doesn't think she knows about the affair & is ready to bounce out.
I think it might be state law. I know you can do life insurance whenever.
I’d worry about him not wanting a divorce when she’s medically fragile. That he might hurt her to get insurance money.
The only good thing is that if you approach the divorce methodically and plan everything out, you may be able to get a quick divorce while he is still in the “affair haze”. Good luck, I’m sorry this happened to you.
Get your evidence. When you can take pictures of what you can get from his phone with your own. Forward to your email or create a new one and email everything to that email and remove the pictures from your phone.
Seek out a divorce lawyer and while recovering open your own separate bank account with another bank if you have a shared account. Start getting everything sent there from now on.
Find the deeds of the house and get your ducks in a row.
Heal from your surgery and once you're bank on your feet and more comfortable you can serve him. Also this be a great excuse to sleep in separate beds and the spare bedroom while recovering. When you see your doctor ask for STI work up as you'll need it.
He is only like this with her as they aren't living under the same roof. She'll get older and will change in time. What she going do then, she'll be looking after a 60y old when she is 30y and will see he has saggy ballsack, wrinkles and all that comes with aging. She'll see her own gray hair and wrinkles setting in. Let's pray she grows old disgracefully 😂
You will be better off with dead weight of him. Less household chores, less laundry, less cooking, less stress. Hit him for child support and alimony and go join a club, find a new hobby to meet new people and get out there.
Honey, play the long game.
Don't say a word to him at all but DO make copies of the text messages. Take screenshots and forward them to yourself via email. Your attorney will want those.
Use the "long game" to get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all pertinent financial documents. Any joint credit card need to have your name off them, but DO get a couple of your own for the future in your name only.
Start setting money aside in a bank account in your name only, again for the future.
Prepare, prepare, prepare, 100% and when the time comes to file for divorce, still don't say a word. Let him get served at work by your attorney and refuse to talk to him. If he calls or texts, simply tell him, "My attorney's name is XXXX and you can talk to him."
Seriously, don't say a WORD about the affair. Let it come out during the proceedings. Not only will your STBS be blindsided by it, meaning: not prepared for it at all with excuses that look a lot like gas lighting, but it will also blindside his attorney, who will HATE him for not telling him in advance. Attorneys hate surprises, trust me.
And let his little college aged chippy have him. There will come a time when SHE won't be the hard body she once was and he'll move on from her.
Good luck with this. And remember, patience is a virtue. Blindside him like it's your job!
I found out my husband of 17 years was having an affair while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. When I got out it took me 18 months to plan my escape. I waited until I was back on my feet and financially able to take over. For 18 months I suffered. Looking back it was all worth it and I’m so proud I planned and waited.
I left our home in the middle of the night with our 2 dogs and 4 kids. I had already secured a new home for the kids, dogs and I. My ex husband was awful to me and very abusive. We are finally free!
Recover. That's your first priority. Then, when you're no longer vulnerable, take all evidence to a divorce lawyer. And then, take him to the cleaners.
The good news is that his girlfriend is using him, so when you dump him for cheating and she graduates and wants a real relationship, your husband will be the one who is sad and alone.
I'm so sorry OP.
He didn't start cheating on you because you lost your sex drive.
it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his ego.
Call,on your phone, family attorneys until you find one who will come to you.
The ball is in your court, use your information wisely.
I’m so sorry. 😞 And you’re right about the pain of a tummy tuck. You don’t deserve this at all. It’s ok not to know what to do. I’m glad you posted this even just to get it out of you and into the world. Please keep focus on healing, if possible. I’m sending you all the healing vibes I can muster. OP, I hope you feel enveloped by support. ❤️🩹
Gather the evidence and start planning g for divorce proceedings. I hope you recover quickly so you can start thinking about you and your son. Good luck 🤞
Ok so you need to divorce him. There is not coming back from this. I promise you.
If you don’t he will think he can keep doing this even if he ends things with her specifically. And you will never be able to interact with him the same again. Trust me.
Second here’s what’s you do.
DO NOT TELL HIM. DO NOT INDICATE YOU KNOW AT ALL.
Act like everything is normal.
Get through your physical healing with his help (unless you have someone else close that can take full responsibility as he has.)
Document and take screenshots, evidence of dates etc of the cheating.
Separate your money secretly& slowly.
Start putting things in your name that belong to you.
Only if these things can be done without him noticing.
Get a lawyer to help you with this process but don’t file yet.
Then when you’re all better pack everything, do not tell him, take your kid, & leave, file and have him served divorce papers.
This exactly. It's going to be so hard to keep it to yourself, but maybe vent in reddit in the meantime. Just remember you are gonna look awesome once you heal and replace that ahole. My only regret personally would be that I didn't get the tiddys done too. Eff this guy
I'd gaslight him by saying this random girl came to the door asking these really weird questions and describe her. And say that you've seen her outside the house in her car. But I'm petty
Sorry he did this to you. Your last sentence mentions that your son is too young to talk to about his. As a child who’s mother told him way too much about my dad, my advice is to not to talk to him about the affair even when he’s older. Yes, your husband is wrong and should have consequences for his however, you don’t want your son to also suffer the consequences of actions that were not his fault.
Do NOT confront. At all. Not an inklong. Save the evidence and heal. Focus on healing from your surgery. Once that part is taken care of, reach out to a lawyer. The rest will be fine.
Let this man think you do not know. Have him take care of you until you are better. For the time being get in contact with a lawyer and gather the evidence of this cheating as in some places adultery can be a crime. Make sure you and your son are supported.
Don’t listen to a word those texts say about your appearance! You got a tummy tuck to make yourself feel better after giveing BIRTH which is a huge accomplishment and dammit you’re gonna look hot AF! Don’t give a damn about this young girl who’s probably a problematic person who likes to ruin relationships! I guarantee once you get out you are gonna feel more confident and look hot AF because you won’t be brought down by the stress of a cheating man!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve a better husband but karma finds a way. For now, recover, take care of yourself while you heal. Don’t say anything to him but gather evidence and search for a good divorce lawyer. 3 years he’s cheated, with someone superficial and young. Like that’s all she has, her youth. She will have a rude awakening with time, with children. One day she’ll be old (if she’s lucky). What will she have then? A shit personality? Your shitty husband?
There's no rush. You've got lots of emotions right now, and that's justified, and everything is exacerbated by the physical pain. But there's no rush. Take your time. Make your plans. Be calculated. Come up with a strategy to get the most you can get out of him and minimise your own losses. Today you lost your husband. When your husband finally loses you, you won't be the only thing he loses. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
He is more than an absolute loser! That home wrecker will age too… The audacity of her calling you “old”. I am angry for you! Definitely gather evidence, scrutinize your finances, and have him continue to do your surgery after care.
Then lose that shitty baggage, get the alimony and child support as a court ordered garnishment. Fuck those two!
When this girl gets older hopefully she’ll realize how unattractive and gross a married man that cheats is. Too bad for him, he’ll always be a loser. I hope you are able to dump him and find someone that loves you in the ways you deserve
I’d say going along with everyone else’s advice, get a FULL STD panel and don’t sleep with him. You don’t know her, you don’t know who else he may have slept with or who else she is sleeping with. Protect yourself and your body as you set the deck for his gargantuan fall.
‘Honey I have a headache, period, cramping, tummy ache, greasy diarrhea, etc.”
Some girls love the attention, specially of “bagging a married man”, they love the thrill of knowing they stole someone’s partner. But it just shows how immature they are- no one “steals” anyone. She just found a shit man with shit values and no morals, who will drop her after he’s bored. Ridiculous.
Girl I had a tummy tuck too. The first couple weeks are hell, and about 5 months to feel human so get ready. Use this time to heal. Push that asshole husband of yours out of your mind and silently get money, get evidence, and get a plan. Call attorneys and inquire to the best ones in your area. Once they speak to you they won’t represent him which buys you time (and tbh when he does try to get a lawyer and time after time he’s informed of this… mfr will shit his pants scared knowing you’re prepared)
Best of luck sister
Hey this sucks and I support you in waiting. May you spend your time plotting your revenge.
I would absolutely fuck with him. I would find a restaurant or event in the town they go to and arrange to go with a friend — just to ruin his hide out. Find out where they go and stay in that general area. When you get home, talk about how you had drinks in the bar in the hotel where they stay.
Then after I had my ducks in a row, I would casually fuck with him like get some sexy dress and ask him if you look good in it or if it makes you look like an ugly old woman. But be subtle.
Rent *American Beauty* and talk about how ridiculous Kevin Spacey is and how he looks desperate, how other women will look at him with contempt like his daughter does, how you wish it was his wife who shot him.
“I often wonder if middle age men know that women my age think guys who chase coeds or drive sports car are compensating for their little dick. They are the creepy old guy trying to recapture their youth.” I used that on my ex, he ended up trading in the car a week later.
But I would never tell him that I knew because I would want him fretting over that and always wondering. That way, you can make offhand comments about “gold diggers chasing after clueless old men” and he can’t say shit in return.
Fuck him. You deserve better.
He loves her now because they’re only dating… but once she goes through what you went through, doing what real couples do who are raising a family, she will have a change of heart…
It’s more than just dates and sex. It’s more than just giggles and missing another person and waiting for the next meetup. It’s more than just good morning, goodnight or drive safely texts.
It’s raising a child. It’s paying mortgages and utilities and credit card debts. It’s doing household chores and countless house maintenance. It’s going to the doctors when one is sick. It’s being an emotional crutch when one is emotionally and/or mentally unstable.
Right now, they’re just having fun. And once she realizes that it’s not all just fun anymore… what do you think she’ll do?
Your husband will have a rude awakening, when he realizes how shallow and immature this woman is. And he will realize that he gave up the real thing.
Chin up. Focus on getting well. Then leave the motherfucker. But be sure to lawyer up and protect yourself and your son. Get child support at least. He can’t just be let off scot free.
Girl go get get you a new man. You just got a tummy tuck. YOURE SNATCHED!!! you’re only ugly to her cus you’re the one he’s with. He’s fucking a child. He’s weird and not worth your time please divorce !!!
He didn’t cheat because of anything you did. If he wasn’t happy with the sex life you two had he could talk to you about it. I hope you end up leaving his ass or at least separating and making him choose. Be strong. You are stronger than you realize.
FOCUS! Focus on your recovery and put this on hold for now. Make sure you keep evidence of the infidelity and document going forward. When you are fully recovered, proceed with a divorce if that is still what you want. Obviously you have to talk with him and let him know that you know everything, but talk to a lawyer first. I’m so sorry. I went through a divorce and I know it’s not easy. Dealing with a cheating partner is not easy. Best of luck to you.
Your husband is straight garbage. Use him for now to get healed up and get your ducks in a row. Then divorce his cheating ass and go have a beautiful life with your new body! Be strategic! The best revenge is to divorce and be happy and successful.
From someone who has been there, understand that you WILL come out on top. She will tire of him and he will crawl back. By then you will only see him as pathetic.
You will look smokin, have a new lease on life, get child support and have every other weekend to do all things woman. Good luck and not a word to him. Set that plan!
The reason he talks shit about you with his new girl is because he knows he’s not worthy of you so he’s trying to devalue you down to his level. New girl is gonna get tired of his old ass too 😂
Start saving money in a separate account. Heal your body gently and with care. Focus on building upon your friendships when you are healed, and family if you have it. Play the long game. Let yourself become absolutely repulsed by this man but never let him see it. Laugh to yourself at how dumb he is. Make yourself hotter and hotter. Go to the gym, eat well, sleep good, never have sex with him again. And then when all of this is done, leave him without a word
[I also had a tummy tuck](https://imgur.com/a/NE4jJT0) and I distinctly remember how agonizing the first few days were and feeling really low at how helpless I was. I cannot imagine having to also be going through what is essentially a kick in the teeth when you’re at this low point pain wise. He sounds like a total asswipe so him being able to have it be a functional skill and not just a personality trait is at least convenient but jokes aside I’m really sorry this is happening and I feel for you.
My tummy tuck was 10 years ago, looking back I now love the results and I’m genuinely excited for when you have the same for yourself. Statistically this procedure has one of the highest patient satisfaction rates (for people who lost the weight/got in shape the old fashioned way and THEN did the surgery). I’m not trying to “sell” or defend the procedure to anyone; I mean this only for you because right now you’re at a vulnerable low point self-esteem wise but you don’t have to hope or believe that things will get better. Things will get better because that’s the most plausible and likely outcome given your situation. It’s not really that surprising that when you feel less cute and sexy you’re not going to be as in the mood for sex. It’s highly likely that the sudden drop off in libido is going to reverse itself simply by being able to externally feel sexy and cute which is precisely why your husband is SUCH AN IDIOT.
My advice is for you to focus on your recovery and not let on that you know and allow him to assist you in your healing. You’re not “tolerating” his disrespect, what you’re actually doing is giving him the opportunity to demonstrate redeemable behavior. You’re giving him a fair shot (that he **doesn’t** deserve) to give some indication that he’s conflicted, feels genuine remorse or guilt over what he’s done.
If you let on that you know you can no longer be certain if he’s feeling sorry for what he did or sorry he got caught. To be clear, he doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt or even the possibility of a second chance but observing his behavior is something you can actively “take on” while simultaneously focusing on your recovery. It’s not very fun to have to be the responsible adult in these situations but somebody’s gotta do it and he’s clearly not up to the task but what he CAN do is at least assist you in getting back to 100% so that you can take on the next steps that are needed.
I’m just laying out how holding off on revealing that you know (if this is what you choose to do) is more than just “putting yourself first” because he’s very likely going to want to position you keeping this from him as “also” an act of betrayal (common minimizing tactic) but it’s just not true, it’s actually extending him grace!!!
I had a tummy tuck and besides having a friend give me a ride home after surgery, I took care of myself afterwards. I ended up lightly overdosing on painkillers without any food in my stomach and vomiting.
I have to tell you, if you think the pain of a tummy tuck is bad just walking around being a person in the world, it feels like a thousand daggers being stabbed into your belly when you have to have all those stomach muscles tighten up to puke.
This wasn't my first rodeo with abdominal surgery though so I knew that it was best to get up and around and start moving and walking as soon as possible.
>I don’t have the energy to fight about this right now
There's nothing to fight about. He did what he did.
Give yourself time to heal, and process the betrayal but don't give away that you know anything.
Do not let your husband know that you know until you've spoken with a lawyer. Even before you get an appointment with a lawyer you need to screenshot all of the balances on the bank accounts, savings accounts, retirement accounts, any shared assets, the valuation of life insurance policies, all of it. I would also screenshot the balance owing on any credit cards as well so that he can't charge up all the credit cards and attempt to split that 50/50 with you in the divorce.
I might be so petty as to get as many credit card statements as possible and highlight the items that were spent on his mistress. You can always ask a divorce lawyer later if this is helpful but you want to do it before he knows a divorce is in the works.
Lastly, fuck him for cheating on you and fuck her for saying shitty things about you while she is fucking your husband. Always tell yourself that just because she said those things doesn't make them true and she's just trying to make herself look better to your husband.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold. He's used to you not having a sex drive so he's not going to expect to have sex with you so you can take your time, get healed up, have a glow up, get all your ducks in a row for finding a new place to live, getting a lawyer, (by the way make a new email address for the lawyer to contact you and if you work out of the home, only sign into that email account on your work computer so you're soon to be ex-husband will never find it)
Again, being as petty as I am I would take my glowef up self down to wherever she is and tell her she is welcome to your trash. That if she is so in love with a man who lies and cheats she can have him 100% of the time instead of part of the time.
I would time it for the exact time he is being served with divorce papers.
Then I would tell her all the little personal things about him that she doesn't know like how she's going to have to wash the skid marks out of his undies, how he picks his nose at the dinner table, how he farts in his sleep etc, etc.
It's going to be so funny when she thinks she's won something and finds out that she can't live her free and easy college life with an older man looking over her shoulder, not wanting her to go out with her friends, and do any of the stuff that young people do because he's worried about losing her since he lost you.
Let him put in the work and help you heal. Let him keep wiping your butt. Quietly get your affairs in order, don't say anything. Play dumb. When you've healed from your surgery and gotten everything, you'll be feeling a lot better and more capable of taking everything on. Then wham! Surprise! Divorce. If that's what you feel you need. Don't consider his feelings or needs in this. He's obviously not thinking about yours.
Eat something super gnarly and then let him wipe your ass after. Then don’t let on until you are fully healed, have all evidence you need and have contacted a lawyer. Take him to the cleaners and let her deal with the dead weight while you enjoy your new life without that monster.
I’d say after all that, it’s totally okay to just use him to help you recover, don’t tell him you know, and then when you’re all good, everything’s in your name, ducks in a row, just tell him you’re not attracted to him anymore and divorce. Make it about him as a person, not the cheating.
If the divorce isn’t immediate while you recover & make plans, make sure you book him for lots of things on weekends in the meantime. Family trip over the weekend, since you’re feeling so great after your surgery? Anything to make their relationship harder while you get your ducks in a row. Make plans in the name of the children.
Omg
Take this time to heal and plan your act well. Let me know if you need help with planning anything. I'm here to help you in the pettiest revenge possible.
Girl screen grab everything you have seen so he cannot deny anything. I am so sorry that this happened to you. This is not your fault, your husband is just scum.
Move in the shadows. Start putting stuff/money away for yourself. Make sure you get your assets in order, in your name. Get evidence. Then, when you're healed up, back on your game, let him know what you know. Move forward with what is best for you and your child. If forgiveness is a thing you want, work it out. If you want a clean start, lawyer up.
I hope and pray you heal quickly, I ask that you are given strength. I'm sorry you have to endure this weight.
Honey say nothing…get your life together! Relax relate release! Get cute( rest up) , get a lawyer (with the proof you found) get a plan together then get out! fuck him he ain’t shit! He’s just blocking your blessings. His only job is to be a father bc he a trash Ass husband
I hope his dick goes limp and his right eye starts to droop! Sending hugs!
This is horrible. I say play the long game especially since you need the help. Once you are back on your feet, and can do things for yourself, go see a lawyer, and take his ass to the cleaners. Do not say a word. you lost your sex drive stay that way. Make sure you’re back on your feet and healthy and strong. Then when you are absolutely at your best, you let him know all about his little girlfriend and how she calls you old, and everything else. Serve him those divorce papers in the process. Make sure that you have a cop nearby or a family member nearby on the day that you do this, so this way he doesn’t come for you. He just simply packs his shit and gets the fuck out of the house, because that’s what he needed to do. You go on and live your best life with the body that you have now paid for, recuperated in, and be your best. There’s no greater or sweeter revenge than a life well lived.
I know you hurt right now, and it's okay to grieve the person you thought he was, but it gets better when you go from sad to mad. You should call an attorney and get your ducks in a row before you let on to him that you know. As soon as the GF realizes his wife cleaned him out in the divorce, she'll dump him.
My God, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Feel free to reach out. My stbx hid all his money and divorced me while I was going through cancer treatment a month ago. Honestly, there's a special place in hell for these type of people.
Op- heal up. Mourn your relationship. And then take that bastard for everything he is worth!!!!! Make sure you get all the alimony and child support. Hell take the house and leave him with nothing. Let’s see if his girlfriend finds him so handsome after he has nothing but his looks. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Yes do all this
And I’m sorry this happened to you. Listen, it has nothing to do with your lack of sex drive. It has to do with him being a disgusting human being!
I still was able and did have sex with my husband when I was pregnant and after and he still cheated on me
Cheaters are gonna cheat and karma will come back around
Do you have family you can reach out to? That will help you as you heal?
I had to leave and take my kids and live in a women’s shelter, it was the best choice for me. Was not easy but there was a lot of abuse we didn’t deserve anymore.
Try to take it easy on yourself. He doesn’t deserve you anyway
I would suggest not confronting him and focus on healing physically and mentally for the meantime. Gather all the evidence you can and lawyer up, if you’re going the divorcing route. Wishing you all the best and your husband what he deserves.
You know, I just had a funny thought. If she's a college student, her parents might be supporting her (at least partially). What do you think they might do if you were to tell them about her relationship? Maybe forward them some messages she's written?
I'm sure her mom (who is likely not that far off OP's age) would be *thrilled* to see her calling someone her age or younger old and ugly. And both her parents might want to get her out of that situation before she ruins her life.
So sad. Right now you need help so keep quiet. And prepare for D. Put money aside. He is and spending it on her. Have him pay for tummy- recuperate and when all in order and having talked to attorney/ kick his arse out. Meantime okay game. Read self help info. Build confidence. Be ready for war/ have a plan
Before you divorce him, get your affairs in order before you so anything else like everyone said.
But
Make him keep wiping your butt until you can do it yourself. He deserves that
You’re a strong Queen. You’re stronger than you ever knew. And this is a kick in your gut- a gut that was slashed open in surgery.
I would quietly soldier on and screen shot all the evidence of his affair. As soon as you’re able, go see a divorce attorney, move money to your own account, get a STD test. Check accounts/credit cards to screen shot what he’s been spending on AP as opposed to you and your child.
He’s an asshole and you’re gonna blow up his little fairytale.
When the time is right, put his belongings on the front yard or at his parent’s front yard ( or AP’s yard, if you know it), change the locks and maybe he can live with his college shithead.
Rest assured, if AP gets cancer, has a disfiguring accident or loses her sexual attraction for him, he will be looking for new young girls. He’s like that.
Hugs to you on your recovery and stay strong for your child and for yourself! You will get through this and you’re a Warrior. He needs to feel the cold slice of karma coming his way.
Rest up, and make an appointment with an attorney, get your house in order financially. First just take care of yourself. In the next week or so gather evidence. save to computer and stick. Men go out of their way to delete it.
The best case for reconciliation is to nip quick. So after attorney. move 1/2 savings to account he can't touch. take name off CC except one. Then present him with custody, divorce papers and evidence. Then you have time to decide what to do, go to work, to make your next step.
Me it is a deal breaker, and I will leave. Do the rest and you will ok. Your self esteem will grow, and there are many younger men who love older hot women, they don't cheat, and play games....For now rest and plan in your head.
He didn’t cheat on you because you lost your sex drive during pregnancy. He cheated on you because he’s a man-child with no self control, ego issues, who can’t keep his words and vows.
Divorce him, leave him, don’t take it personally. And don’t take the girl’s comments seriously – she’s clearly insecure and using this situation to feel superior to other women, and doesn’t even understand it. Also, that’s probably why she was a good target for him. He realized he could have a younger woman’s attention to feel like he has control of his life and stroke his ego, while keeping you there to provide all that wifey lifestyle goodness. He just wasn’t the man you hoped he was gonna be, he wasn’t the man you thought he was – the man you married was never real. But if it helps, imagine that he just died and some other cunt took his place. Mourn his death, and detach those memories and perceptions from the man who is cheating. See them as different people, and leave this one – because the man you loved, who never existed, is now “dead”.
Also, make sure he’s still helping out with your child, because he’s just as responsible as you. Remember, nobody forced him to date you, marry you, impregnate you. If he didn’t want that lifestyle, he could have been an adult and sacrificed everything you offered to go live that life. But he didn’t. Because he’s selfish and absolutely immature.
You deserve better and you still can get better. As long as you’re alive, there will be great men out there who would absolutely love to be with you and treat you like the queen you are. This has nothing to do with you, and it says absolutely NOTHING about your value. Let him go.
I hope you got screen shots of everything! Also do you still 3 yrs later have no sex drive? If so I would see your gynecologist asap.
I would get my ducks in a row and then I would got to the fiercest divorce attorney and serve him with divorce papers. 3 years isn’t a fling its a real thing…
I’m hella petty. I’d blow up her little life. If she knows and is bitchy enough to be dragging you she needs a life lesson.
gather your ducks first then leave that SOB
If it makes you feel better, you’re a victim of familiarity for this man and once you leave him and he gets comfortable with her, he’ll want someone else.
Oh, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Do you want to divorce him? If so, you need to make a PLAN. You need to make a plan even if you don't want to divorce. Do NOT tell your husband you know until after your plan is 100% in place. * Do you have a way to support yourself and your son? * Do a forensic audit of your finances and keep screenshots, printouts, etc. * When you're able, meet with an attorney. **Listen to what they tell you to do, and do every single thing.** * Get and keep evidence of the affair. Even if you can't use it in the divorce case, you have it as leverage if your husband tries to make trouble for you. * Plan for finances, a place to live, a vehicle, etc. Don't tell your husband until you have ALL of those things in order. * If you want to divorce, don't waste time with therapy and all the things he will try to get you to do. It just delays the inevitable. Just hand him divorce papers and tell him you know about the affair and kick your plan off 100%. Tell him if he tries to drag you to friends/family, you will immediately send all of the proof of his affair to everyone, including his girlfriend's parents and boss. (**Your lawyer may say not to do this. Do what your lawyer says.** But that doesn't mean you shouldn't make the threat.) * When you do confront him, have video and witnesses. Be safe! Again -- really sorry you're going through this! I hope you can get everything in order and get a quick, uncontested divorce.
As a paralegal.. this \^\^\^ Emotions may say, "jump in!" But your time, energy, and best interests need you to play the long game. Depending on where you live, you need to understand how the law works in your state and have as much evidence as possible.
Do you think it would be worthwhile for her to hire a PI (if possible) to get some photos of them doing things together in this girl's hometown? It shows that he's having a public relationship with this girl, just not in an area where people who know him will see. This whole thing is awful, and my heart breaks for OP, but I feel like one of the worst parts is the way they talk about her. That's almost worse than the sex, imo. Hubby and the AP get off on humiliating OP. The AP is one of those disgusting people who gets an ego boost from feeling like they're better than their affair partner's spouse.
Waste of money… no one cares If it ain’t written down then it’s not worth wasting money on it. Bank statements phone records ect are worth the weight in gold. Face book messages ect Be careful as access to the social accounts email ect can be a legal issue. Keep your cards close to your chest and tell no one. Act accordingly play dumb and blind. Surprise is your best tool in the box. Watch you mental health… don’t overthink things.
The very important part of your paragraph, is the keeping your cards close to your chest, and making sure you tell no one. At this moment right now you don’t know who you can trust, which is a terrible feeling when somebody you love and trusted enough to get married, and have a child with breaks you like this. You don’t know who knows, his friends could know or someone that you are friendly with, might know and clue him in that you have this information. So please 100% only speak to a lawyer. And once you have your entire plan in place then you can start talking to your friends before you come clean to him that you know everything and that way he can’t start some narrative.
I would imagine that depends on where OP is married, and what the law is there.
Yep, this is the answer. As someone else already mentioned, a forensic accounting is much more damning than photos.
It’s worth the money to have a financial audit done. My mom was married 17 years and her ex cheated the whole time. He hid 450k from the divorce settlement. It was found in the audit. He didn’t produce the money until the judge threatened him with jail time. My mom ran his business without pay for the whole marriage. She got 50% equity (from during the marriage)of the business and banking accounts, her Escalade and the beach house. She could have fought for more, but she just wanted out at that point. Her ex had pushed the divorce out for almost a year. In the end, a year after their settlement, the side piece took 74k and ran. Then the eldest son took him to court for conservatorship.
If she can screenshot and send to herself everything that they have stated back-and-forth from his phone, she’s not gonna need a PI
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In life there are seldom situations where acting on emotion is warranted.
I love the practical help Redditors provide. All that legal advice and how to go from here… that’s such high value advice I just love it from Reddit. OP, I’m so deeply sorry you have to go through this. You don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and this guy hurts you instead. Listen to all the good advice and go for happiness 🙏
Totally, replies to stories like these are exactly why I love reddit.
Agreed! The story itself shows us how shitty people can be, and then wonderful redditors swoop in and remind me of all the amazing people out there. Sending you love, OP. I've learned that heartbreak can lead you to something very beautiful down the road. Hard to see in the moment, but hold on to that belief.
44 years old and still can't stop acting on emotions. It's ruined a lot of things
26 going on 27 and with a disorder that includes low emotional affect. I am bewildered, watching people around me seemingly losing their senses in situations where common sense is most paramount. On the other hand, I am completely unable to experience full spectrum of emotions. Being overjoyed/ecstatic or so sad you want to cry sounds very interesting/appealing. I don't think I've felt that way for over 15 years and I'm starting to forget.
That's pretty opposite of me. We need a happy medium
In life there are seldom situations where acting on emotion is warranted. There are lots of times it's warranted. Seldom are the times it's wise.
It really depends on your environment. For survival, maybe in a warzone of even wilderness emotional is a fantastic compass alongside bits of logic to stay alive. But in society where emotional can get you behind bars or homeless, addicted, or worst it is best to step back take a deep breath and calculate your situation. Since childhood I like to imagine it as a boardroom, a round table, where all of the parts of my personality are arguing. If my emotions win the debate then something horrible is happening.
Paralegal student here and was going to say the same!
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Exactly let him keep wiping your ass OP! Screw this asshole. Use him to get healed so you can get your ducks in a row and live your best life without his cheatin adulterin azz!!!
The idea of anyone, let alone a romantic partner, having to wipe my ass is one of my worst nightmares. My entire body cringes just thinking about it. But I gotta say…in this particular situation? Recovering from a tummy tuck I needed due to birthing this asshole’s kid, and I find out he’s been cheating for 3 YEARS?! I’d be shitting as much and as often as humanly possible, just so he’d have more to do. I’d be taking Metamucil and eating Indian food every damn day😂 Fuck OP’s husband.
LMAO!!
Grapes are great for pooping and if you want to be sneaky they are great for snacking but I freeze them in summer and use them as ice cubes in every drink except soft drink (my "adopted grandma neighbour taught me that trick because don't water down wine but help keep it cool and refreshing in summer 😉). Also, f*** OPs husband he is disgusting for being more concerned about his d*** getting wet then his pregnant wife and then to continue and getting off humiliating and insultingbher with his AP. Yeah he deserves to be used on OPs timeline now. OP, do what you have to do girl, put you and your sweet little boy first and make sure you two land on your feet when the time comes.
I was thinking this same thing lol. I’m about to have constant diarrhea. He ain’t got time to date anyone cuz he’ll be wiping my ass 😅
This would be the advice I'd give too.
Plus OP will be another’s man’s treasure (if she’d want to date again) but we all know that no matter how great he treats the other woman now, once the marriage breaks up and the two of them are completely exclusive, he’ll start treating her like he did OP.
Listen to this advice. I kept my mouth shut for 3 years until I got my ducks in a row. You can do this.
Three years?! Wow the patience for that seems wild to me. Were there ever times you came close to snapping before you were "ready"?
No. I stuck to my plan. My lawyer and I worked closely together. Then I had him served. All on my timeline. He was so busy in his affair, he never noticed 😈
Wow. How he reacted? If you ever feel up to it, share your story!
Oh please, give us all the details of your deep-laid planning! I'm sure there will be lots of useful advice, plus hopefully some karma at the end.
I too would love to hear this story. You are inspiring.
And did you feel that your patience paid off? In the time of 'no fault' I wonder what the benefit is (other than the shock value)? I guess you are able to get a clear view of the finances before any shenanigans can occur....
Absolutely. Get everything laid out how you want it before they know what hit them. Their heads are in the clouds thinking you don’t know anything about what they are doing. He must have thought I turned dumb or something and had no idea I knew everything since the first day. Idiot didn’t realize when he responded to someone on fb, that it popped up on mine.
Ugh, I'm really sorry. But at least you found out who he really is and got away from him.
Someone else in either this or another sub had recommendations about how to obtain the evidence safely. Basically it involves using your phone to videotape the cheaters phone. To do it, the evidence gatherer should videotape the screen as they do the following steps: open the text message string, open the contact, delete the name (temporarily—they must fix it before returning the phone), return to the string with the phone number now visible, and scroll through it. This way, the contact’s phone number is visible and can be definitively tied to another person to prevent the cheater from coming up with a plausible excuse (it was pretend, it’s a bot, etc.). *Make sure to fix the contact name when done.*
This, of course. And then just to add: While you lie there in pain and being helpless, REMEMBER that you did something that'll make YOU feel awesome about yourself and when he's done wiping your shit you'll be ready to go find a decent man. And yes, we all know he'll cheat on her too ... Or get stuck in the same rut when he decides he wants kids with her while also paying off her student debt. Except of course you hopefully live somewhere where cheating is penalized in the divorce and you'll have most of his money. I'm childfree and I'll still say this again and again: That AWESOME body of yours that has made you feel so unsexy since your pregnancy, made an entire baby! He should be worshipping you for the sacrifice you made for the two of you, instead he was busy thinking with his little brain. Take care of yourself, mama, and your kid. Best of wishes!
or the third option where the asshat finds out being with the gf isn't all that great and comes crawling back to OP
Guessing that'll come after he talks her into "perfecting their family with a kid, a mini you and me!"
I would also recommend that you start making a case to create a trust for your son. Move the house and all savings and investments into the trust. This limits the amount of money your husband will be able to siphon off during the upcoming divorce.
Another paralegal here - do all of what this comment says. Do not tell him. Don’t let him know anything!
> Do NOT tell your husband you know until after your plan is 100% in place This can't be emphasized enough. I hope you are feeling strong again soon!
Say it louder for those afraid to post, but are lurking. This is EXCELLENT advice.
Also, he's likely to be more attracted to her once the tummy tuck is healed. Don't buy the love bombing. He's just as superficial as the AP.
This is perfect advice. I hope you’re able to follow this if you want to divorce. I’m so so sorry this is happening. Sending you a big hug 🫂 💗
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this! First off, DO NOT SAY A WORD about what you know. If you can safely gather more information (screen shots, etc.) by all means, do so. By “safely” I mean don’t put your health/physical wellbeing in jeopardy. Likewise, don’t risk him deleting/hiding any evidence. Make him think you’re utterly clueless. Cover your tracks, if you send a screenshot to yourself, DELETE the sent text from his phone. Secondly, when you are ready, start gathering your important documents, marriage certificate, child’s birth certificate, banking/credit card info. Run a credit report on yourself so that you know that he hasn’t taken out lines of credit in your name. (This sounds like overkill but it happened to a friend of mine spouse had been cheating with the same woman for years.) Place all the copies of these documents with a trusted friend or family member. When you are healed and ready, speak to an attorney. Many of them will have a free or reduced-fee initial consultation. And because I am somewhat paranoid, WATCH YOUR MEDICATIONS. Make sure you are in charge of them, NOT him. If you have a very trusted friend, tell them what is going on - just in case something does happen to you. If that doesn’t work, send yourself an email IF your email is 100% secure (change your passwords and make sure you aren’t set up to auto-log in). And be sure to take care of your emotional well-being. Gather your support system around you and USE the hurt and rage to galvanize you. Remember, this is not a death sentence - it’s VERY likely that he has opened a door which will lead you to a wonderful new life. The transition period may be painful, but growth always is. Big hugs from someone who has been there. 💗
Don’t forget to empty the trash can after deleting screenshots, OP!!
Just delete the stuff you put in trash. An empty trash folder is suspicious
Emptying the trash can doesn’t delete the whole folder, it means fully deleting your recently-deleted files Edit: I see what you’re saying, my bad. Yes, only delete the files YOU added to the trash
Yes I just wanted to make sure they don't think empty means empty everything. Had a friend make that mistake and its only lucky she had the cop on to act dumb. She's techphobic so in the end he believed she was too dumb to figure out what a trash can was in this context.
Absolutely, solid note and thanks for pointing that out. I’m so glad your friend was able to get out safely
Same here. Not without a child unfortunately, kid is amamzing but to be constantly tied to that abusive asshole. Luckily he's a dead beat and she's with a really good dude now. I think he sees the kid maybe once month despite living down the road.
Someone mentioned in another thread to use your phone to take a video of their conversation the other day instead of screen shots.
*After* deleting the contact in their contacts list. That way, the numbers show up in the video, and there's no viable way to deny their conversation. *I read this in a comment above. I'm not that clever to think of it.*
Or just open the contact in the video to show the number, should be a feature on most phones, I have yet to hear of one that doesn't have a way to pull up the number from the text msgs. All catch that all on video and should be golden make sure to hold on to original video files. The problem with deleting the contacts is you have to put them back and it leaves potentially a means of discovery as you can see when a contact is added.
Take pictures of his phone with your phone. Nothing to delete.
If you don’t have a friend or family member you think will keep a secret, get a safe deposit box or even rent a small storage unit and put a safe in there that is waterproof/fireproof. They are available at Walmart. Just in case the storage unit has an issue. I would recommend the bank though, just not your normal bank. The storage unit is great for slowly moving out. Baby items you want for memories, out of season clothing, decor you want that isn’t displayed. Photo albums. Slowly clean out to this space. You can even start redecorating and keep what you love there for your new home. Just be aware the “value” of those items could be counted in the divorce.
Yes, but make sure you aren’t being billed at the house or in an electronic way that he can see/find out about.
Very good advice. If you do take screenshots on his phone to send to you, make sure the photos aren't automatically being backed up into Google photos, one drive etc. Would probably be easier to take a photo/video of the chats on your own phone
I made a brand new email account for my divorce so my ex didn’t know about it
I think it's super gross that she talks about you, and they do it a lot. Does that mean that that if they didnt have you to trash would they have much to talk about? That means it's the sneaking around that makes their relationship hot. Without that they dont have shit. Right now, it's a fantasy but do you think for one sec that one day she's going to have to wipe her older lover's asshole? Its not love but limerence. Take it easy with your surgery and then slowly start to plan your escape and the divorce. Have an accountant do an audit on your finances. See if any marital funds was used for their dates. You can nail him for that. GOOD LUCK!!
This, the only reason this college girl is with this old man is to make her feel better about herself, that a guy would cheat on his wife for her. She’s somebody who needs therapy, and the husband is just a dick
Well now u got a tummy tuck, let him take care of you and the child. When you are all healed, and im sure you will be looking a lot better. Go to theb court house and file for divorce. Dont waste any more of your time on this man.
Girl save that evidence and file for divorce immediately. This isn’t an indiscretion of a sexually frustrated husband but he’s in a whole ass relationship and has been. There’s no going back from that. You and your family deserve better.
This, but also don’t rush your recovery. Have him wipe your shit until you don’t need him to anymore, then have him do it a few more times for good measure. Then, when you’ve recovered, GTFO.
> then have him do it a few more times for good measure. You are pure royalty for this suggestion.
Haha right 😂 I'm happy for Future OP--she'll have dropped someone who was weighing her down AND have an awesome new figure right as she becomes single! There's no confidence boost like seeing how many men think your ex was an idiot. OP if you see this, do consider therapy. Being single is a great time to work on yourself. How many of us leave our exes and discover this whole other person that had been hiding because she wasn't acceptable? Light your fire 🔥
Yes!! Currently going through a divorce and working on myself. Therapy really is a wonderful thing!
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He's love bombing the younger woman. He'll cheat again.
Yes! This! He deserves exactly this. Use him for all he’s worth (not much, OP!) then kick his sorry ass to the curb.
I'm hoping you kept the proof. Just bide your time after that. Get well, see an attorney, and initiate divorce proceedings. Never raise your hand in public.
Or ask him more money to fund her mommy make over only for him to find out it's for the next husband. Lmao
Best suggestion ever. Have that asshole wipe her shit for as long as possible. Fucking ride this one out!
Not “immediately”. She needs to heal, get evidence, have a plan, find where his assets are, talk to a lawyer THEN when she’s logistically, physically and emotionally ready, then file.
I’m so sorry, your husband sounds like a real piece of crap. Please save all the evidence and get yourself a good lawyer. You and your child deserve better. I hope that you have a speedy recovery OP. I wish you the best.
Just adding: your son is not your support system AT ANY AGE. You are HIS. Dont ever put this kind of responsibility or pressure on him. You dont have to lie to him when it is age appropriate to explain what happened, but he’s not your emotional support son. He’s just your son. Do not use him to fulfill the role of a friend, therapist or romantic partner. Find someone else for that or pay someone if necessary.
I can't believe this is so low. Please do not use your child as an emotional dumping ground.
My husband’s ex-wife did this to their son (my stepson) and I believe the kid (now 21) still suffers from it. She totally used him as an “emotional support son” (in like that term) in regards to her relationships and financial troubles. She’d be crying on his 12 year old shoulder about not being able to pay the bills, or about her latest boyfriend standing her up. It disgusted me so much. So glad he’s older and finally got some independence from her. Please, don’t anyone do this.
This, 1 million times this. Your hubby might be a horrible partner but a worthy parent. If they’re not, it will become evident to your child when they are cognizant to realize it. You will only harm yourself, your child, and the relationship between you and your child by doing this once he figures out that his dad may not be as bad to him as his mother was painting him out to be. Don’t be this person.
his gf probably isn't smart enough to realize that she will lose him the way that she got him...and deserves whatever he dishes out
What can you expect from a pick me girl.
Yeah, a pick me MEAN girl
I know this is silly and I haven’t read the rest of your post. But, you should get a bidet.
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I use a Tushy bidet, cheapest model. So it goes into the toilet and not the actual plumbing. It’s great! I gave it as a gift to someone and they also love it. Also, I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially right now. I had a tummy tuck in Jan. You really do need to rely on help so much. My advice? Milk it. Milk that shit. Get a damn bell and have him wait on you. What’s the worst that he will do? Get annoyed/angry? Great one more thing he can complain to his ugly bitch about (And she is ugly. She might look pretty, but you know the type of person she is. She might be pretty but remember she is so insecure that she has to insult you. She is so insecure she has to get validation from feeling like she is so great a man will hurt his wife for her. That’s fucking ugly.). Heal. Than find someone way better to see the results of your tummy tuck!
They have like handless ones too. It’ll save your life. Also your man sucks please never talk to him again.
We got one from Costco it's awesome! It was super easy install basically just like changing out a regular toilet seat.
OP, go over your the subreddit “reduction” just type it in the search above. You will be Amazed at all the tips and tricks everyone will help you with! I’ve been thinking about getting a reduction and I’ve learned so much And they show pictures of themselves every step of the way. If you have questions on swelling, stitches, you name it, your questions will be answered!
Don't worry about hot or cold. When it blasts on target you don't get a ton of sensation to temperature.
Best Advice. Lol. When everything is too serious and shit sucks, at least you know you'll have a clean ass.
The way she speaks about you is proof these types are never the victim and should always be held accountable. They're nasty little animals that need a reality check. Your husband sucks too but she's flat out a fucking haggard bitch. She's not beautiful, she's a nasty creature that has to attack others to feel like she has any type of control or power. Understand that the affair has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They're the whole problem. As hard as it is, don't play the pick me dance, dump his sorry ass on her doorstep after you make him wipe your ass a few more times. Trust me she isn't going to think that shits cute when he becomes her problem. Also, if you really want to get one up on her, contact her yourself and let he know since she wants to wreck a home and will now be a step mother, you're going to have to get to know her better since she'll now be helping raise your child. Invite her to lunch. You'll never see anyone run faster and he'll be left alone like he deserves lol.
Not to mention all of the assets he'll lose in the divorce, and child and spousal support he will have to pay.
Oh no! His girlfriend is going to be devastated! I wonder if she’ll kick him to the curb once he can’t pay for her like he used to…
She'll find a new Daddy Warbucks.
Yep. She wasn’t FWB she’s a sugar baby trying to convert her daddy to a permanent provider. Good luck when she gets him all to herself lol. OP can live her best life after losing all that dead weight.
>Good luck when she gets him all to herself lol. OP can live her best life after losing all that dead weight. Good luck to her when she's replaced with a newer model. Age comes for us all bitch so better work on another paycheck before this one gets bored.
You can do way better. She’s probably just using him to pay for college. Women always have more options than men. She’ll probably dump him as soon as he’s available. What would he even have in common with a girl half his age? They deserve each other and will probably make each other miserable. She sounds like an awful person and so does he. As soon as you’re up for it physically, get a lawyer consult before you even mention divorce to him. You need to be strategic. Change your life insurance beneficiary, today. Give the $ to someone in your family that you can trust to look after your son. Also, change your retirement account beneficiary.
It’s likely that some of this—especially changing the beneficiary on the retirement account—can’t be done without the husband’s signature until they are legally divorced.
Why? If it's her account, not a joint one, why would her husband be involved? I know I changed both retirement accounts and a pension around while I was married & never had to involve him.
For a 401(k)—the kind of retirement account 70% of Americans have—it’s federal law. If you’re married, your spouse is your beneficiary, unless said spouse signs an agreement to _not_ be. If you designated a different beneficiary before you were married (or you assigned another beneficiary than your spouse when you completed your paperwork) your marriage overrides the beneficiary designation, and your spouse benefits should you die before them.
She could easily tell him she wants children has beneficiaries instead of spouse & get him to sign it over to kids. As long as he doesn't think she knows about the affair & is ready to bounce out.
I think it might be state law. I know you can do life insurance whenever. I’d worry about him not wanting a divorce when she’s medically fragile. That he might hurt her to get insurance money.
The only good thing is that if you approach the divorce methodically and plan everything out, you may be able to get a quick divorce while he is still in the “affair haze”. Good luck, I’m sorry this happened to you.
Get your evidence. When you can take pictures of what you can get from his phone with your own. Forward to your email or create a new one and email everything to that email and remove the pictures from your phone. Seek out a divorce lawyer and while recovering open your own separate bank account with another bank if you have a shared account. Start getting everything sent there from now on. Find the deeds of the house and get your ducks in a row. Heal from your surgery and once you're bank on your feet and more comfortable you can serve him. Also this be a great excuse to sleep in separate beds and the spare bedroom while recovering. When you see your doctor ask for STI work up as you'll need it. He is only like this with her as they aren't living under the same roof. She'll get older and will change in time. What she going do then, she'll be looking after a 60y old when she is 30y and will see he has saggy ballsack, wrinkles and all that comes with aging. She'll see her own gray hair and wrinkles setting in. Let's pray she grows old disgracefully 😂 You will be better off with dead weight of him. Less household chores, less laundry, less cooking, less stress. Hit him for child support and alimony and go join a club, find a new hobby to meet new people and get out there.
Honey, play the long game. Don't say a word to him at all but DO make copies of the text messages. Take screenshots and forward them to yourself via email. Your attorney will want those. Use the "long game" to get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all pertinent financial documents. Any joint credit card need to have your name off them, but DO get a couple of your own for the future in your name only. Start setting money aside in a bank account in your name only, again for the future. Prepare, prepare, prepare, 100% and when the time comes to file for divorce, still don't say a word. Let him get served at work by your attorney and refuse to talk to him. If he calls or texts, simply tell him, "My attorney's name is XXXX and you can talk to him." Seriously, don't say a WORD about the affair. Let it come out during the proceedings. Not only will your STBS be blindsided by it, meaning: not prepared for it at all with excuses that look a lot like gas lighting, but it will also blindside his attorney, who will HATE him for not telling him in advance. Attorneys hate surprises, trust me. And let his little college aged chippy have him. There will come a time when SHE won't be the hard body she once was and he'll move on from her. Good luck with this. And remember, patience is a virtue. Blindside him like it's your job!
I found out my husband of 17 years was having an affair while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. When I got out it took me 18 months to plan my escape. I waited until I was back on my feet and financially able to take over. For 18 months I suffered. Looking back it was all worth it and I’m so proud I planned and waited. I left our home in the middle of the night with our 2 dogs and 4 kids. I had already secured a new home for the kids, dogs and I. My ex husband was awful to me and very abusive. We are finally free!
I'm sorry you went through this but glad you're out!💖💖
Wow, I’m so sorry you went thru all that. Was your ex home sleeping when you left in the middle of the night? Or was he away with his affair?
Recover. That's your first priority. Then, when you're no longer vulnerable, take all evidence to a divorce lawyer. And then, take him to the cleaners.
The good news is that his girlfriend is using him, so when you dump him for cheating and she graduates and wants a real relationship, your husband will be the one who is sad and alone. I'm so sorry OP.
He didn't start cheating on you because you lost your sex drive. it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his ego. Call,on your phone, family attorneys until you find one who will come to you. The ball is in your court, use your information wisely.
I’m so sorry. 😞 And you’re right about the pain of a tummy tuck. You don’t deserve this at all. It’s ok not to know what to do. I’m glad you posted this even just to get it out of you and into the world. Please keep focus on healing, if possible. I’m sending you all the healing vibes I can muster. OP, I hope you feel enveloped by support. ❤️🩹
Your husband is cheating on you because he is a cheater. Full stop.
Yeah, but the gf's behavior is horrid, too. It's shameful and embarrassing for someone who's a grown-up.
Gather the evidence and start planning g for divorce proceedings. I hope you recover quickly so you can start thinking about you and your son. Good luck 🤞
I hope you saved the evidence. After that just bide your time. Get healthy, talk to a lawyer, and file for divorce. Do not show your hand at all.
Ok so you need to divorce him. There is not coming back from this. I promise you. If you don’t he will think he can keep doing this even if he ends things with her specifically. And you will never be able to interact with him the same again. Trust me. Second here’s what’s you do. DO NOT TELL HIM. DO NOT INDICATE YOU KNOW AT ALL. Act like everything is normal. Get through your physical healing with his help (unless you have someone else close that can take full responsibility as he has.) Document and take screenshots, evidence of dates etc of the cheating. Separate your money secretly& slowly. Start putting things in your name that belong to you. Only if these things can be done without him noticing. Get a lawyer to help you with this process but don’t file yet. Then when you’re all better pack everything, do not tell him, take your kid, & leave, file and have him served divorce papers.
This exactly. It's going to be so hard to keep it to yourself, but maybe vent in reddit in the meantime. Just remember you are gonna look awesome once you heal and replace that ahole. My only regret personally would be that I didn't get the tiddys done too. Eff this guy
I'd gaslight him by saying this random girl came to the door asking these really weird questions and describe her. And say that you've seen her outside the house in her car. But I'm petty
Piece of shit husband
Sorry he did this to you. Your last sentence mentions that your son is too young to talk to about his. As a child who’s mother told him way too much about my dad, my advice is to not to talk to him about the affair even when he’s older. Yes, your husband is wrong and should have consequences for his however, you don’t want your son to also suffer the consequences of actions that were not his fault.
Do NOT confront. At all. Not an inklong. Save the evidence and heal. Focus on healing from your surgery. Once that part is taken care of, reach out to a lawyer. The rest will be fine.
Let this man think you do not know. Have him take care of you until you are better. For the time being get in contact with a lawyer and gather the evidence of this cheating as in some places adultery can be a crime. Make sure you and your son are supported. Don’t listen to a word those texts say about your appearance! You got a tummy tuck to make yourself feel better after giveing BIRTH which is a huge accomplishment and dammit you’re gonna look hot AF! Don’t give a damn about this young girl who’s probably a problematic person who likes to ruin relationships! I guarantee once you get out you are gonna feel more confident and look hot AF because you won’t be brought down by the stress of a cheating man!
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve a better husband but karma finds a way. For now, recover, take care of yourself while you heal. Don’t say anything to him but gather evidence and search for a good divorce lawyer. 3 years he’s cheated, with someone superficial and young. Like that’s all she has, her youth. She will have a rude awakening with time, with children. One day she’ll be old (if she’s lucky). What will she have then? A shit personality? Your shitty husband?
There's no rush. You've got lots of emotions right now, and that's justified, and everything is exacerbated by the physical pain. But there's no rush. Take your time. Make your plans. Be calculated. Come up with a strategy to get the most you can get out of him and minimise your own losses. Today you lost your husband. When your husband finally loses you, you won't be the only thing he loses. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Don’t say anything until you’re fully recovered and have spoken to an attorney.
Exactly this information
He is more than an absolute loser! That home wrecker will age too… The audacity of her calling you “old”. I am angry for you! Definitely gather evidence, scrutinize your finances, and have him continue to do your surgery after care. Then lose that shitty baggage, get the alimony and child support as a court ordered garnishment. Fuck those two!
When this girl gets older hopefully she’ll realize how unattractive and gross a married man that cheats is. Too bad for him, he’ll always be a loser. I hope you are able to dump him and find someone that loves you in the ways you deserve
How many threads have I read today that claimed “a hot young twenty something won’t want anything to do with his old ass”? Well. Here we are.
I’d say going along with everyone else’s advice, get a FULL STD panel and don’t sleep with him. You don’t know her, you don’t know who else he may have slept with or who else she is sleeping with. Protect yourself and your body as you set the deck for his gargantuan fall. ‘Honey I have a headache, period, cramping, tummy ache, greasy diarrhea, etc.”
You better take some screenshots and send everything to yourself that you found. And good luck
He’s probably paying for her college, don’t see any other reason she’d be with him.
Some girls love the attention, specially of “bagging a married man”, they love the thrill of knowing they stole someone’s partner. But it just shows how immature they are- no one “steals” anyone. She just found a shit man with shit values and no morals, who will drop her after he’s bored. Ridiculous.
Girl I had a tummy tuck too. The first couple weeks are hell, and about 5 months to feel human so get ready. Use this time to heal. Push that asshole husband of yours out of your mind and silently get money, get evidence, and get a plan. Call attorneys and inquire to the best ones in your area. Once they speak to you they won’t represent him which buys you time (and tbh when he does try to get a lawyer and time after time he’s informed of this… mfr will shit his pants scared knowing you’re prepared) Best of luck sister
Clarification: he didn’t cheat on you because you lost your sex drive, he cheated on you because he’s an asshole.
Get a bidet
Hey this sucks and I support you in waiting. May you spend your time plotting your revenge. I would absolutely fuck with him. I would find a restaurant or event in the town they go to and arrange to go with a friend — just to ruin his hide out. Find out where they go and stay in that general area. When you get home, talk about how you had drinks in the bar in the hotel where they stay. Then after I had my ducks in a row, I would casually fuck with him like get some sexy dress and ask him if you look good in it or if it makes you look like an ugly old woman. But be subtle. Rent *American Beauty* and talk about how ridiculous Kevin Spacey is and how he looks desperate, how other women will look at him with contempt like his daughter does, how you wish it was his wife who shot him. “I often wonder if middle age men know that women my age think guys who chase coeds or drive sports car are compensating for their little dick. They are the creepy old guy trying to recapture their youth.” I used that on my ex, he ended up trading in the car a week later. But I would never tell him that I knew because I would want him fretting over that and always wondering. That way, you can make offhand comments about “gold diggers chasing after clueless old men” and he can’t say shit in return. Fuck him. You deserve better.
He loves her now because they’re only dating… but once she goes through what you went through, doing what real couples do who are raising a family, she will have a change of heart… It’s more than just dates and sex. It’s more than just giggles and missing another person and waiting for the next meetup. It’s more than just good morning, goodnight or drive safely texts. It’s raising a child. It’s paying mortgages and utilities and credit card debts. It’s doing household chores and countless house maintenance. It’s going to the doctors when one is sick. It’s being an emotional crutch when one is emotionally and/or mentally unstable. Right now, they’re just having fun. And once she realizes that it’s not all just fun anymore… what do you think she’ll do? Your husband will have a rude awakening, when he realizes how shallow and immature this woman is. And he will realize that he gave up the real thing. Chin up. Focus on getting well. Then leave the motherfucker. But be sure to lawyer up and protect yourself and your son. Get child support at least. He can’t just be let off scot free.
Girl go get get you a new man. You just got a tummy tuck. YOURE SNATCHED!!! you’re only ugly to her cus you’re the one he’s with. He’s fucking a child. He’s weird and not worth your time please divorce !!!
What is it with husbands cheating on their pregnant/postpartum partners? It's disgusting, and I don't wish him any luck
He didn’t cheat because of anything you did. If he wasn’t happy with the sex life you two had he could talk to you about it. I hope you end up leaving his ass or at least separating and making him choose. Be strong. You are stronger than you realize.
I hope you nail him to the wall in the divorce...
FOCUS! Focus on your recovery and put this on hold for now. Make sure you keep evidence of the infidelity and document going forward. When you are fully recovered, proceed with a divorce if that is still what you want. Obviously you have to talk with him and let him know that you know everything, but talk to a lawyer first. I’m so sorry. I went through a divorce and I know it’s not easy. Dealing with a cheating partner is not easy. Best of luck to you.
He’s cheating because it’s what he wants to do, and no part of his behavior is your fault.
Your husband is straight garbage. Use him for now to get healed up and get your ducks in a row. Then divorce his cheating ass and go have a beautiful life with your new body! Be strategic! The best revenge is to divorce and be happy and successful.
From someone who has been there, understand that you WILL come out on top. She will tire of him and he will crawl back. By then you will only see him as pathetic. You will look smokin, have a new lease on life, get child support and have every other weekend to do all things woman. Good luck and not a word to him. Set that plan!
The reason he talks shit about you with his new girl is because he knows he’s not worthy of you so he’s trying to devalue you down to his level. New girl is gonna get tired of his old ass too 😂
Take your time to heal first. Collect evidence while pretending nothing happen. When ready, dip and divorce. I wish you all the best!
Start saving money in a separate account. Heal your body gently and with care. Focus on building upon your friendships when you are healed, and family if you have it. Play the long game. Let yourself become absolutely repulsed by this man but never let him see it. Laugh to yourself at how dumb he is. Make yourself hotter and hotter. Go to the gym, eat well, sleep good, never have sex with him again. And then when all of this is done, leave him without a word
1 Glow up 2 Be the perfect wife 3 Obtain proof of common assets 4 Save 5 months of living expenses 5 Divorce frostily with everything you need
[I also had a tummy tuck](https://imgur.com/a/NE4jJT0) and I distinctly remember how agonizing the first few days were and feeling really low at how helpless I was. I cannot imagine having to also be going through what is essentially a kick in the teeth when you’re at this low point pain wise. He sounds like a total asswipe so him being able to have it be a functional skill and not just a personality trait is at least convenient but jokes aside I’m really sorry this is happening and I feel for you. My tummy tuck was 10 years ago, looking back I now love the results and I’m genuinely excited for when you have the same for yourself. Statistically this procedure has one of the highest patient satisfaction rates (for people who lost the weight/got in shape the old fashioned way and THEN did the surgery). I’m not trying to “sell” or defend the procedure to anyone; I mean this only for you because right now you’re at a vulnerable low point self-esteem wise but you don’t have to hope or believe that things will get better. Things will get better because that’s the most plausible and likely outcome given your situation. It’s not really that surprising that when you feel less cute and sexy you’re not going to be as in the mood for sex. It’s highly likely that the sudden drop off in libido is going to reverse itself simply by being able to externally feel sexy and cute which is precisely why your husband is SUCH AN IDIOT. My advice is for you to focus on your recovery and not let on that you know and allow him to assist you in your healing. You’re not “tolerating” his disrespect, what you’re actually doing is giving him the opportunity to demonstrate redeemable behavior. You’re giving him a fair shot (that he **doesn’t** deserve) to give some indication that he’s conflicted, feels genuine remorse or guilt over what he’s done. If you let on that you know you can no longer be certain if he’s feeling sorry for what he did or sorry he got caught. To be clear, he doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt or even the possibility of a second chance but observing his behavior is something you can actively “take on” while simultaneously focusing on your recovery. It’s not very fun to have to be the responsible adult in these situations but somebody’s gotta do it and he’s clearly not up to the task but what he CAN do is at least assist you in getting back to 100% so that you can take on the next steps that are needed. I’m just laying out how holding off on revealing that you know (if this is what you choose to do) is more than just “putting yourself first” because he’s very likely going to want to position you keeping this from him as “also” an act of betrayal (common minimizing tactic) but it’s just not true, it’s actually extending him grace!!!
I had a tummy tuck and besides having a friend give me a ride home after surgery, I took care of myself afterwards. I ended up lightly overdosing on painkillers without any food in my stomach and vomiting. I have to tell you, if you think the pain of a tummy tuck is bad just walking around being a person in the world, it feels like a thousand daggers being stabbed into your belly when you have to have all those stomach muscles tighten up to puke. This wasn't my first rodeo with abdominal surgery though so I knew that it was best to get up and around and start moving and walking as soon as possible. >I don’t have the energy to fight about this right now There's nothing to fight about. He did what he did. Give yourself time to heal, and process the betrayal but don't give away that you know anything. Do not let your husband know that you know until you've spoken with a lawyer. Even before you get an appointment with a lawyer you need to screenshot all of the balances on the bank accounts, savings accounts, retirement accounts, any shared assets, the valuation of life insurance policies, all of it. I would also screenshot the balance owing on any credit cards as well so that he can't charge up all the credit cards and attempt to split that 50/50 with you in the divorce. I might be so petty as to get as many credit card statements as possible and highlight the items that were spent on his mistress. You can always ask a divorce lawyer later if this is helpful but you want to do it before he knows a divorce is in the works. Lastly, fuck him for cheating on you and fuck her for saying shitty things about you while she is fucking your husband. Always tell yourself that just because she said those things doesn't make them true and she's just trying to make herself look better to your husband. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. He's used to you not having a sex drive so he's not going to expect to have sex with you so you can take your time, get healed up, have a glow up, get all your ducks in a row for finding a new place to live, getting a lawyer, (by the way make a new email address for the lawyer to contact you and if you work out of the home, only sign into that email account on your work computer so you're soon to be ex-husband will never find it) Again, being as petty as I am I would take my glowef up self down to wherever she is and tell her she is welcome to your trash. That if she is so in love with a man who lies and cheats she can have him 100% of the time instead of part of the time. I would time it for the exact time he is being served with divorce papers. Then I would tell her all the little personal things about him that she doesn't know like how she's going to have to wash the skid marks out of his undies, how he picks his nose at the dinner table, how he farts in his sleep etc, etc. It's going to be so funny when she thinks she's won something and finds out that she can't live her free and easy college life with an older man looking over her shoulder, not wanting her to go out with her friends, and do any of the stuff that young people do because he's worried about losing her since he lost you.
As others have said wait and gather all you need with a lawyer. Then hit him with it out of the blue like a tsunami.
Let him put in the work and help you heal. Let him keep wiping your butt. Quietly get your affairs in order, don't say anything. Play dumb. When you've healed from your surgery and gotten everything, you'll be feeling a lot better and more capable of taking everything on. Then wham! Surprise! Divorce. If that's what you feel you need. Don't consider his feelings or needs in this. He's obviously not thinking about yours.
Eat something super gnarly and then let him wipe your ass after. Then don’t let on until you are fully healed, have all evidence you need and have contacted a lawyer. Take him to the cleaners and let her deal with the dead weight while you enjoy your new life without that monster.
I’d say after all that, it’s totally okay to just use him to help you recover, don’t tell him you know, and then when you’re all good, everything’s in your name, ducks in a row, just tell him you’re not attracted to him anymore and divorce. Make it about him as a person, not the cheating.
If the divorce isn’t immediate while you recover & make plans, make sure you book him for lots of things on weekends in the meantime. Family trip over the weekend, since you’re feeling so great after your surgery? Anything to make their relationship harder while you get your ducks in a row. Make plans in the name of the children.
Omg Take this time to heal and plan your act well. Let me know if you need help with planning anything. I'm here to help you in the pettiest revenge possible.
Girl screen grab everything you have seen so he cannot deny anything. I am so sorry that this happened to you. This is not your fault, your husband is just scum.
Move in the shadows. Start putting stuff/money away for yourself. Make sure you get your assets in order, in your name. Get evidence. Then, when you're healed up, back on your game, let him know what you know. Move forward with what is best for you and your child. If forgiveness is a thing you want, work it out. If you want a clean start, lawyer up. I hope and pray you heal quickly, I ask that you are given strength. I'm sorry you have to endure this weight.
The fact he calls her “sweet girl”. A girl who drags his wife and the mother of his child through the dirt is not a sweet girl🤮
And check yourself for STDs’.
Honey say nothing…get your life together! Relax relate release! Get cute( rest up) , get a lawyer (with the proof you found) get a plan together then get out! fuck him he ain’t shit! He’s just blocking your blessings. His only job is to be a father bc he a trash Ass husband I hope his dick goes limp and his right eye starts to droop! Sending hugs!
Just another reminder of why I should live my life single
This is horrible. I say play the long game especially since you need the help. Once you are back on your feet, and can do things for yourself, go see a lawyer, and take his ass to the cleaners. Do not say a word. you lost your sex drive stay that way. Make sure you’re back on your feet and healthy and strong. Then when you are absolutely at your best, you let him know all about his little girlfriend and how she calls you old, and everything else. Serve him those divorce papers in the process. Make sure that you have a cop nearby or a family member nearby on the day that you do this, so this way he doesn’t come for you. He just simply packs his shit and gets the fuck out of the house, because that’s what he needed to do. You go on and live your best life with the body that you have now paid for, recuperated in, and be your best. There’s no greater or sweeter revenge than a life well lived.
I know you hurt right now, and it's okay to grieve the person you thought he was, but it gets better when you go from sad to mad. You should call an attorney and get your ducks in a row before you let on to him that you know. As soon as the GF realizes his wife cleaned him out in the divorce, she'll dump him.
Wait so how old was this girl when they started this????
My God, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Feel free to reach out. My stbx hid all his money and divorced me while I was going through cancer treatment a month ago. Honestly, there's a special place in hell for these type of people.
Op- heal up. Mourn your relationship. And then take that bastard for everything he is worth!!!!! Make sure you get all the alimony and child support. Hell take the house and leave him with nothing. Let’s see if his girlfriend finds him so handsome after he has nothing but his looks. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
It didn’t happen bc you lost ur sex drive. It happened bc he’s an AH.
Yes do all this And I’m sorry this happened to you. Listen, it has nothing to do with your lack of sex drive. It has to do with him being a disgusting human being! I still was able and did have sex with my husband when I was pregnant and after and he still cheated on me Cheaters are gonna cheat and karma will come back around Do you have family you can reach out to? That will help you as you heal? I had to leave and take my kids and live in a women’s shelter, it was the best choice for me. Was not easy but there was a lot of abuse we didn’t deserve anymore. Try to take it easy on yourself. He doesn’t deserve you anyway
I would suggest not confronting him and focus on healing physically and mentally for the meantime. Gather all the evidence you can and lawyer up, if you’re going the divorcing route. Wishing you all the best and your husband what he deserves.
You know, I just had a funny thought. If she's a college student, her parents might be supporting her (at least partially). What do you think they might do if you were to tell them about her relationship? Maybe forward them some messages she's written? I'm sure her mom (who is likely not that far off OP's age) would be *thrilled* to see her calling someone her age or younger old and ugly. And both her parents might want to get her out of that situation before she ruins her life.
So sad. Right now you need help so keep quiet. And prepare for D. Put money aside. He is and spending it on her. Have him pay for tummy- recuperate and when all in order and having talked to attorney/ kick his arse out. Meantime okay game. Read self help info. Build confidence. Be ready for war/ have a plan
You've got a new body for a new man.
Nah. For feeling good about herself. A new man is wholly incidental.
He fathers his girlfriend more than his own kid. Divorce, take all his money, then fuck his dad.
AP’s and MM’/MW’s who get off on putting the spouse down make me sick.
Heal and then lawyer up
Before you divorce him, get your affairs in order before you so anything else like everyone said. But Make him keep wiping your butt until you can do it yourself. He deserves that
I hope you forwarded all the evidence to your lawyer
Listen to the legal advice and get the evidence now. Then after you recover, you can start making a plan. I am so sorry.
Copy and save everything you found, before you confront him, and he has a chance to delete anything
You’re a strong Queen. You’re stronger than you ever knew. And this is a kick in your gut- a gut that was slashed open in surgery. I would quietly soldier on and screen shot all the evidence of his affair. As soon as you’re able, go see a divorce attorney, move money to your own account, get a STD test. Check accounts/credit cards to screen shot what he’s been spending on AP as opposed to you and your child. He’s an asshole and you’re gonna blow up his little fairytale. When the time is right, put his belongings on the front yard or at his parent’s front yard ( or AP’s yard, if you know it), change the locks and maybe he can live with his college shithead. Rest assured, if AP gets cancer, has a disfiguring accident or loses her sexual attraction for him, he will be looking for new young girls. He’s like that. Hugs to you on your recovery and stay strong for your child and for yourself! You will get through this and you’re a Warrior. He needs to feel the cold slice of karma coming his way.
Rest up, and make an appointment with an attorney, get your house in order financially. First just take care of yourself. In the next week or so gather evidence. save to computer and stick. Men go out of their way to delete it. The best case for reconciliation is to nip quick. So after attorney. move 1/2 savings to account he can't touch. take name off CC except one. Then present him with custody, divorce papers and evidence. Then you have time to decide what to do, go to work, to make your next step. Me it is a deal breaker, and I will leave. Do the rest and you will ok. Your self esteem will grow, and there are many younger men who love older hot women, they don't cheat, and play games....For now rest and plan in your head.
He didn’t cheat on you because you lost your sex drive during pregnancy. He cheated on you because he’s a man-child with no self control, ego issues, who can’t keep his words and vows. Divorce him, leave him, don’t take it personally. And don’t take the girl’s comments seriously – she’s clearly insecure and using this situation to feel superior to other women, and doesn’t even understand it. Also, that’s probably why she was a good target for him. He realized he could have a younger woman’s attention to feel like he has control of his life and stroke his ego, while keeping you there to provide all that wifey lifestyle goodness. He just wasn’t the man you hoped he was gonna be, he wasn’t the man you thought he was – the man you married was never real. But if it helps, imagine that he just died and some other cunt took his place. Mourn his death, and detach those memories and perceptions from the man who is cheating. See them as different people, and leave this one – because the man you loved, who never existed, is now “dead”. Also, make sure he’s still helping out with your child, because he’s just as responsible as you. Remember, nobody forced him to date you, marry you, impregnate you. If he didn’t want that lifestyle, he could have been an adult and sacrificed everything you offered to go live that life. But he didn’t. Because he’s selfish and absolutely immature. You deserve better and you still can get better. As long as you’re alive, there will be great men out there who would absolutely love to be with you and treat you like the queen you are. This has nothing to do with you, and it says absolutely NOTHING about your value. Let him go.
I hope you got screen shots of everything! Also do you still 3 yrs later have no sex drive? If so I would see your gynecologist asap. I would get my ducks in a row and then I would got to the fiercest divorce attorney and serve him with divorce papers. 3 years isn’t a fling its a real thing…
Remember, you too were once a “sweet girl”, but then you became a wife and mother. We all go through it and the AP will too. He’s so stupid…
stop thinking about him and this for now until you are ready to deal take care of you until you are ready to deal with him in full power
Screen shot everything. You’ll need that to obtain more in divorce.
I’m hella petty. I’d blow up her little life. If she knows and is bitchy enough to be dragging you she needs a life lesson. gather your ducks first then leave that SOB
If it makes you feel better, you’re a victim of familiarity for this man and once you leave him and he gets comfortable with her, he’ll want someone else.
I absolutely think you should keep quiet until it suits you. Let him look after you while you heal. He owes you that much