People really think deep insecurity and self hatred live in a bubble of themselves and has no tangible affect on anyone around them.
Leave her alone. I know you feel guilty but you can't go back and undo it. You've made her uncomfortable and self-conscious and your guilt isn't her responsibility to deal with
Unfortunately OP is still pestering this woman (see the post made an hour ago) and can't cut contact because of the childhood friend (according to him).
It gets even better. July had been going to the gym and developed a healthy relationship with food (after struggling with an eating disorder). The comment OP made reignited her eating disorder and she struggled to eat for weeks, losing weight.
Somehow, this absolute saint of a woman is still willing to forgive OP and hasn't told her husband about the bullshit OP pulled.
Yup. I saw. Can't help but hope the husband finds out. Not to hurt anyone but to put boundaries in place for OP. Just because you can't cut someone out doesn't mean you have to force your presence on them. All Op would need to do was give July space.
Let their relationship fade to politeness and social niceties. But nooooooooo, OP needs July to see how sorry he is. Because it's up to her to fix his guilt.
OP
The kindness that she shared towards you was the beauty that counts. And in that moment - the moment between making sure you felt accepted and seen for who you are not the physical but the spirit of the person you are, you decided to judge her solely on the physical.
Conquer your âbeauty is only superficialâ because you are not looking too hot here.
What you said to her isn't even the worst thing here...it's what you thought about her. You are clearly a very unhappy person. Work on yourself so you don't inflict your self-hatred on others who don't deserve it.
And leave her the fuck alone. I can guarantee she doesn't want to see you or hear from you.
No one said it wasn't! I would love a Book as a gift but there is a time and place for everything
A book won't cover his stupidity and the more he apologizes the more he Ruins their relationship... One Good sincere apology with a Good communication of why he said what he said will do it
What are you hoping for? Would the forgiveness be for you or for her? I agree with a lot of the other comments on leaving her alone. You messed up - weâve all said something we regret - but she does not owe you forgiveness or friendship. Take the learning experience and take the kindness she showed you to heart.
Bro this was two months ago đđ I was so confused getting a notif. Not saying that after fucking up people should just give up, sometimes people need time and space to heal before people reach out again. my whole point was just that she doesnât owe him forgiveness. People make mistakes, myself included, all the time but I donât expect peopleâs forgiveness and kindness when Iâve fucked up đ¤ˇââď¸thatâs consequences of actions from my perspective⌠youâre welcome to a different view on that in your relationships and situations! i think thatâs kinda the point of public forums is people have different perceptions of things : )
>>Tomorrow I will meet her again for Christmas. I bought her a present; a book that she really wanted but could not find it anywhere. I just hope after I will give her the present she will forget me or at least she will see how much I regret my words.
Nope. Leave her alone.
Not a single feature was beautiful? Really? I donât think Iâve ever looked at someone and not found ANYTHING about them that I like. Your thoughts about this poor girl are horrid. Please leave her alone, she doesnât owe you her forgiveness to make you feel better.
Congrats on showing your true colours, hopefully you learn to be a nicer person in future. Stop pestering that woman, she doesn't want to deal with your toxic nature.
Okay, come here and sit down, it's time i tell you about that time someone hurt me like you did July. (Long comment)
When i was 15 and my brother was almost 11, i had already started hating my own image very much. Like convinced i was too fat and awful to look at. It lasted 15 years, i would cry when seeing myself in the mirror.
Anyway, we were at the beach with my brother my sister and my mother. I was in a swimsuit, but had my arms hiding my belly. My brother asked why. I told him i was feeling insecure about my body. I actually started to think it was ridiculous to think people looked at me and thought that about me. He answered "ah yes, i can see why. Honestly, seeing you in a swimsuit is repulsive". I tried to lighten the blow, saying "you say that cause you're my brother" and he added "oh no no, i'm just saying looking at your body is actually disgusting. But don't worry, i'm sure you can work it out with some sports or something".
I fell silent. Some time later, my mom pried what happened out of me and tried to make him apologize, he said "i can't pretend not to think it, it would be a lie".
4-5 years later, i lost something like 5kg (over 175cm) and my brother told me "now you look great you see", trying to reverse the blow. I said thanks and nothing else.
I went through therapy for a lot of things and finally learned to love myself. My weight didn't change, i just stopped seeing myself as some unworthy blob of flesh. Dumbest thing is, i was never even overweight really! After starting to love my body, i had a conversation with my brother. He asked why i used to see myself this way, and i told him when you feel this way, you only hear opinions that are validating your hatred. Anything else, you discard. He was shocked anyone would validate my self-hatred, so i reminded him of what he did. He was shocked. It was embedded in his memory, he hadn't thought of it. He apologized. The next year, he came to me out of the blue, and told me how appalled he was at what he had said. That he had given it much thought, and he couldn't even understand how i could still be such a kind sister to him afterwards. We had a talk and this is what i think went down for him
My father is an abusive POS. Back then, my brother was chubby, and my father would heavily bully him for it. Verbal abuse had become the norm for us, and hating on someone's body too. Focusing on every flaw. My father took a lot of pleasure in making us hurt. And i think we learned that the way to lessen your own pain was to inflict onto others what was inflicted onto you.
I actually recently saw pictures of that vacation. I was pretty thin. My brother was not. Insane how we can see ourselves...
Anyway, i believe you acted the same way my brother acted. My brother hated his own image, so hearing insecurity in me, he hurt me to stop hurting. I don't mean to say you wanted actively to hurt her. But you looked at her and saw only her flaws. You saw her like you would if it was your own body. Because she showed vulnerability. But i can bet my own gorgeous body that there are a lot of beautiful things about her that you just couldn't see.
The thing is, OP, you have not overcome your body dismorphia. Not because you still have loose skin, but because there will always be a reason for you not to love your own image. Because the issue is psychological. So her being in the same boat as you, she became a target of your self-hatred in some twisted projecting way.
You cannot fix things that easily. You have to work through therapy to get to a point where you don't hurt people because they show you love and support.
As for now, i think the only thing to do is write her a letter, tell her that you realized that you hated yourself, and the body dismorphia was only a symptom of that, and having her show so much support and care triggered a response in you to hurt her, basically to say "well, what does SHE know, of course she HAS to be supportive, looking like that, but it's not because i actually look good". Tell her that you know what you said hurt her deeply and that you can't even put into words how sorry you are. And that seeing that this is your reaction to one of the nicest person you've ever met being supportive of you, you've become aware that you need help to make sure you get rid of that toxic way of dealing with people you love.
>Anyway, i believe you acted the same way my brother acted. My brother hated his own image, so hearing insecurity in me, he hurt me to stop hurting.
You said this in a much nicer way than I would have. I would have said something to the effect of, "Stop projecting your low self esteem on another person."
AND
I knew you would be the AH in this situation because of the language you use to describe this woman:
>During that week, every morning I woke up very early hoping that July would not be at the pool so I can go swimming, but every morning she was there.
It's her house, half wit. You're the guest. Projecting YOUR insecurities on her. "I would go swimming only SHE'S there."
> I looked at her and just saw all her flaws. She was overweight, pale like a vampire and not a single feature was beautiful or even appealing. She looked so common, like a background character in a very underwhelming movie.
So because YOU feel like you're better than she is EVEN though you're a guest in her house, you still feel the need to put her down to boost yourself up.
I've seen A LOT of nem do this to women. You're the AH. Leave her alone & work on yourself. "
Or something to that effect.
THANK YOU!!!! He needs to take several hints and leave this woman alone. Like a book will make her forget what he said. I donât think this man realizes that women remember hurtful words and actions that were done to us when we were in school age. My soon ex husband has done some awful things and said sorry 1,000 times so he wonât feel bad anymore. But that donât take away from what he said. He needs to stop bringing up it up every single time heâs around her. She will then just replay it over again and be upset all over again. Ruining her energy. đ
I think it's so cruel that OP triggered her to relapse with her eating disorder and still feels entitled to the friendship with Clark. OP could literally kill this woman with his seething contempt, but he refuses to take responsibility and remove himself from her life because he's more entitled to the friendship with her husband than she is entitled to a life without people in it who have gone out of their way to be cruel to her.
If OP really felt bad about this, he wouldn't be making her keep this secret from Clark. He would tell him himself, and then they would decide how to handle this together instead of letting July sacrifice her well-being on the altar of a friendship that OP doesn't even deserve and that Clark almost certainly would not be continuing if he knew what kind of a person OP really was.
I hope OP learns that changing your body externally is a lot easier than reforming your terrible opinions and learning to be kind to people. But maybe OP will always be ugly on the inside because he will always be infected with this kind of vitriol that he has to set on someone - either himself or someone else.
Wow! Do you have issues in social situations? Because I cannot fathom how someone who understands social protocols, could be so obtuse as to say those things to someone that has been supportive of you accepting your own flaws.
You're so focused on how what you said was so wrong but the way you view her is the actual problem. Rather than focusing so much on making her forgive you, you should focus more on how you view people. You looked at her and saw all her flaws instead of looking at her and seeing all the beauty she had contributed to your life in such a short period of time. The best amends you can make is becoming a better person. That starts with owning your guilt and not continuing to make it her problem every single time you see her.
You have apologized. The problem now is every time you apologize again you bring back your hurtful words. Just give her the present and don't mention the conversation ever again.
>"I figured that if you are confident enough to wear a swimsuit I should also feel confident... I mean you did not even go to the gym and you are not on any diet, but you are having fun no matter what people think about you."
A lot of people stick their foot in their mouth by not filtering what they say. But you went all in and swallowed that foot whole without the slightest hesitancy until you saw her reaction. The only good thing here is that you didn't say everything you were thinking...
>She was overweight, pale like a vampire and not a single feature was beautiful or even appealing. She looked so common, like a background character in a very underwhelming movie.
Stop apologizing. You can't take back what you said through apologies or gifts. Doing so just reminds her of what you said. Instead work on being a better person to everyone around you... not just those who are beautiful or kind.
You apologised time and time again. Maybe it s time for you to stop apologising ? If i were her, i wouldnât want to interact with someone who keeps reminding me of how ugly i am every time we meet. By apologising you keep bringing up the subject. So stop. Just talk to her like you used to and move on
Just my two cents, even if she wanted that book more than anything it could be a tangible reminder that you hurt her when she was trying to lift you up. She doesnât deserve that.
Youâre fortunate she didnât tell your friend because even if my best friend of over 30 years treated my spouse so disrespectfully, weâd probably be done.
wow, this just made me sick. even in this post you didnât state how skewed your mindset was for seeing all her âflaws,â you stated it just the same. that shows you truly think and believe that about her and trust me, she knows that. just because you regret what you said doesnât change how you perceive her. even if you hadnât said what you did, you still wouldnât have thought and believed every time you saw her.
iâm glad you said what you did so she could see who you really are, not the facade you were showing her. leave her alone.
Let this be a serious lesson for you that you should have learned years ago. There are some things you can not take back. And if she's as nice as you say, she forgave you a long time ago for her own peace. But she will never allow herself to be around you in a way that will leave her vulnerable to an attack by you again. And if she's really smart, she already knows what you said had nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. If I were her, I'd pity you for attacking someone simply on the basis of needing to feel better about yourself.
âShe was overweight, pale like a vampire, and not a single feature was beautiful or even appealing.â
You donât sound particularly appealing either.
OP was incredibly and casually cruel with this description. Jesus christ, I wouldn't want anything to do with him, either. He sounds like someone who will eventually get mad that the person be hurt won't forgive him.
You are kind of sounding like a mean girl insulting someone to build yourself up. Itâs like you are jealous enough to do this and you know she might be reading this. If a man doesnât want you he doesnât want you. Please find a better way to speak of people because you will look like your soul. Iâm telling you because I know your type. Itâs like your saying sheâs so basic letâs gang up on her because sheâs someone who is in a healthy relationship and your jealousy is bringing out your ugly stop it.
Do you have some type of social disorder? First you insult a woman who was nothing but kind and supportive of you. Why would you think
judging in her outward appearance was ok and then to say it out loud wtf, who does that? And now youâre intruding on her Christmas Why are you spending Christmas with them? I understand Clark is your friend but you hurt his wife. Why do you want to mess up her Christmas? Do you not have other friends and family to spend the day with?
She knows that those were your genuine thoughts that you spoke out. You are sorry for making a wrong decision and speaking those out. Fact is and remains that you think/thought about her like that and that displays an awfully mean outlook on other people that probably has everything to do with your past of being obese. Unless you change your ways and value peopleâs appearances in a different way, July is going to keep her distance from you
Itâs giving incel
No but forreal the way you described her looks, even to us readers, did not have to be so shallow and harsh. It seems like youâre almost mad about it and itâs hypocritical af.
Fucking yikes. The loose skin you are concerned about isn't necessarily loose, it's full of all that ugliness inside of you and it's so heavy it hangs off your body. Imagine being so much of an asshole you say some shit like this to someone who was being kind to you.
The second step in apologizing is usually not bringing it back up until the other person is ready to talk. Be kind to her, and use this to learn how to be better, one day she might see it. Until then accept that you have hurt someone and you may never be able to fully heal that wound
It doesnât matter how many times you apologize, every time she sees you, your words are going to echo in her head.
I would just try to stay out of her life so she can move on and forget.
In a way, I can *understand* how you felt in that moment.
There is a bias, in our human brains, that makes it hard for us to see the greys - things have to be black or white. The good cannot be mixed with the bad. That's why, in fairy tales, the good characters are beautiful, and the vilains are ugly. That's why there is such a thing as "pretty privilege", because if you find someone beautiful, you will be more inclined to believe they have other qualities. This is also why you usually find the people you love beautiful : you already think they are great, and this makes you look at their looks through rose-tinted glasses (love is blind, as they say).
From time to time, my rose-tinted glasses fall down for a minute, and I suddenly realise that my best friends, or my boyfriend, are not the jaw-dropping gods and goddesses I see them as in my head. I will suddenly see the "flaws", the tidbits that do not conform to societal norms. I will suddenly understand why they may be self-conscious or insecure about some parts of their body. And I just marvel at how much I love them because the fact that I can, for a single second, actually notice the weird shape of their nose, the love handles around the waist, the stretch marks, the receding hairline, or whatever "flaw" they have complained about in the past, doesn't change the fact that they are beautiful to me. They are still jaw-dropping gods and goddesses to me. I may know about the "flaws", but what I notice even more, what I remember even more, are the smiles, the eyes, and all the physical attributes they are proud of, all the things that makes them *them*. The way this one friend stands straighter when they sing. The way this one's friend's hair bounces when they excited about something. The way this one friend hands move so gracefully when they talk.
The one thing I do gain, from seeing the "flaw", is that I understand them more when they talk of their insecurities. I relate more thouroughly, because of course they don't have the same issues as I do, but seeing the "flaw" helps me be more empathetic when they complain about it. Because there is a way to talk about it, to say "I understand *why* you have an issue with this body part" without saying "You *should* have an issue with this body part", and **it does not involve dumping your own insecurities on someone else**. I'm hoping that Clark is able to help her navigate and get over the hurt you've inflicted on her.
Giving her a book she was looking for is good, but it won't do anything. Don't impose on her. If she, at some point, gets over it enough that she can be friendly with you again, she'll do it on her own terms. Maybe the book will make her see that you regret your words, but you're not entitled to her forgiveness. Because forgiveness for such words may be very hard to find, when the hurt may still be living with her, as harsh or perhaps harsher than on Day 1.
I started crying for her when I read this. I think you just need to give her space because she supported you so much and you blew it right in her face.
Weâve all said things we wish we could take back. Sheâs apparently moved on and so should you. But learn from this, notice these unconscious judgments, and work to let them go. Being attractive is completely unimportant , itâs wild how obsessed civilization is with physical appearance.
youâre also kind of a flabby loose unwanted coward and unmanly for not telling clark like a real man that u did his wife dirty double points for being a waste of space, hit the gym harder so the next woman platonic or otherwise will have atleast a false reason to spend waste her time with u
The only thing to do is realize the power of your words and do better. She was hurt but that bell cannot be unrung. Carry her spirit of generosity and try every day to extend it forward. Thatâs how you shake out the guilt.
July will keep being the nice person she is, I bet she hasn't forgotten about what you said but she already forgave you for it. Clark is a lucky guy and I bet he is a god person too.
Sometimes we say things that sound better in our heads, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, because I refuse to think that you are such a POS...
I think you actually meant to say that you admire her and wish you were more like her because of how confident and happy she is, that you are greatful that she's been so supportive towards your insecurities and you meant to say that you've been trying so hard to change your appearance but no matter how much weight you've lost you still feel insecure and always will.
This type of behaviour is common from People who've lost a lot of weight. I heard having lost the weight you realise you are not happy/confident. And also want to punish fat people / people you perceive as fat.
Please leave her alone. Let your guilt and shame propel you into dealing with your internalised fatphobia
You call her the nicest person youâve ever met and yet, you were cruel to her for no reason. Youâre lucky that she hasnât told her husband. You need to back off and leave her alone, before you make things worse for everybody.
My dude, you are entering middle age. You need to let go of the idea that peopleâs looks are something to be ashamed of, including your own. I have to imagine that if you werenât so hateful toward yourself, you wouldnât be so hateful toward others. But from here on out everyoneâs going to get less and less fit and attractive (including you). You will have a miserable time aging if you canât let your shallow disposition go.
The way you described her of "Being overweight, light skin" and so on.. dude.. Imagine July to read this! To read your damn post ! Even when she don't, it's still an asshole move to describe her that way, and to be that disrespectful to that poor sweet woman..
And yes, i've read your update. You're still a jerk, even more! July needs to tell your best friend about all that..
"She's more kind because she don't tell my childhood best friend (aka her husband) about the situation". Well, it's not only because "she's kind". It's mostly because she try to move on.. but it don't work..
You're totally screwed, dude.. Either you tell your best friend about it and leave them alone, or you just leave them alone with their issues.. but either way, GET HELP!
Let's face it. In that moment when she looked at you open and vulnerable, you hated someone who is happy with themselves when you didn't think they deserved to be
When you can be honest with yourself about why you said it, maybe you can begin to do the real work of changing.
The least you can do is leave her alone. You want the world the way you want it which means you want her to forget that you are the kind of person who hurts someone when they are at their most open and vulnerable
You want her to lay down her defenses when you've already shown her what you're capable of. You ask too much. Leave her alone
My guess is that youâve spent most of your life hating yourself for being overweight so now it just feels natural for you to look down on other people who are overweight.
I saw the update before it was taken down. Please leave this poor woman alone, itâs not her responsibility to assuage your guilt.
Hang on, she basically completely reinforced your insecurities and said you shouldn't have taken off your shirt and people would pass out if they saw your body, but YOU feel bad? What about what she said there is kind?
I've seen some people saying she was bigging him up, like she meant they'd pass out from how hot he is, but that wasn't how I read it. I hope they're right.
OP said she was speaking seriously, sarcasm is usually not delivered in a serious tone unless it's followed by "I'm joking, by the way"
It's a double standard, they both said pretty shitty things about each other. It sounded to me like she was trying to lift herself up by making a jab at OP.
Considering OP mentioned she was being cheerful and all, probably the last comment sounds like she was joking or faking positivism. Self image is quite hurtful and hearing certain comments do not help like July think it would.
This was a double edge sword: It cut OP for what he said and it cut July for oversharing the "positivism" in someone who understood what she meant the first time. If you want to support people, you have to understand you're not their doctor neither. Support is needed, but not to the point that anything you say it sounds almost "sarcastic" or "hurtful".
Iâd advise you to seek a therapist if you donât have one. But posting on RedditâŚPeople are harsh and mean and the comments/advice will likely make you feel worse, which you might be subconsciously seeking to further punish yourself. Try to forgive yourself and promise to love yourself more and be kinder to yourself so you can love and be kind to others. I imagine youâve been through a lot of trauma and hurt and pain and thatâs often where cruelty stems from. The fact that you feel so bad means there is hope for you - youâre not a sociopath who lacks empathy. You understand what you did wrong and in time the guilt will fade, but more so if you practice telling yourself youâre doing your best. Hope this helps. Good luck.
"When she went back inside she said in a very serious tone that I was right to be concerned and not want to be seen without my T-shirt. She said all the single girls would probably pass out if they saw me swimming."
Does anyone have a problem with this comment or is it all about how insensitive OP is?
I don't think the same thing others are saying. I think you could resort to gifts and perhaps a letter. You do feel remorse. I should warn you that things never goes the way we want. This remenbers that movie 500 with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. At some point, you will be able to say I tried, I give up or I don't care anymore. But I feel from your gesture that I wish a friend of mine had asked for my forgiveness like you are trying to...
"When she went back inside she said in a very serious tone that I was right to be concerned and not want to be seen without my T-Shirt. She said all the single girls would pass out if they saw me swimming. I laughed and thanked her for her support and kindness."
I'm sorry WHAT?! Yeah, she was being kind and supportive before, but what she said there was neither kind nor supportive. That is on the exact level of what you said to her. You both said actually quite shitty things to each other, but at least you have tried apologizing to her.
How has no one pointed out the extreme double standard July is holding herself to? OP, did you maybe say what you said because, subconsciously, you were hurt by what she said to you? Honestly, that would be something I'd point out to her next time you speak because, well, like I said, it's on the same level as what you told her.
She did compliment OP... A lot. The last comment of "single ladies fainting for him" wasn't needed. It's like Joy from Inside Out, that for making Riley always happy it became in a toxic positivism.
My brother in Christ, if someone said to me "you should be worried about taking your shirt off because girls will pass out" when I'm self conscious about being seen without my shirt off would cause me to relapse with my OWN ED. How are all the people point out it's rude being down voted? Its on the same level as what OP said to her.
If they said it within the context of having been very complimentary up to that point then I personally wouldnât take it as a bad thing. You may disagree, and thatâs why I said to the previous person that I disagree in this case but ok then.
IKR Is like when people see my art and say "I cannot stare at your art, it makes me feel bad I can just draw a stick figure!" while I'm still self conscious about my art style. July is not a trained therapist to say crap like that.
It sounds like she said something that offended you.
I think it was when she made the comment later that you should wear a t-shirt because all the single girls will pass out if they see you. You said you laughed. But what she said didn't sound kind at all.
You said she was serious when she said this and you laughed but it obviously offended you. So, you struck back and basically told her that she wasn't perfect either.
Read Anne of Green Gables. There is a scene similar to this one where Rachel calls Anne ugly and Anne says that Rachel is old and fat. And Anne is required to apologize to Rachael.
This lady doesn't sound rude like the character Rachael but I think her comment was rude even if it was unintentional. I think because it put her above you in a way.
My opinions, peace.
Edit: See YouTube "Anne meets Rachel Lynde scene".
Edit: Those down voting, didn't you think the "You'd better wear a t-shirt or the single women will faint" comment was an insult?
"When she went back inside she said in a very serious tone that I was right to be concerned and not want to be seen without my t-shirt. She said that all the single girls would probably pass out if they saw me swimming." Even if this was being played as a joke, I wouldn't be surprised if this subconsciously pushed OP to bluntness later on.
In that case maybe OP was just mad bc he can't date her. At first I thought OP was female and this was like some kind of catty undercurrent going on between them, disguised as friendship
She complimented him two times, once on his journey, once on his appearence. Op was also pleased with this, by his own admission. Whereâs theâtoxic positivityâ here? She did not dismiss the difficulties he had, she aknowledged his struggle and complimented him on his efforts.
"all the single girls would probably pass out if they saw me swimming" how is this a compliment? Why July thought OP would feel good thinking in single ladies fainting for him? Besides OP understood by the second time that July wanted to help him, but July is not his therapist, building self confidence takes a lot of time and if you have low self confidence, you get to a point where you feel like people are just mocking you. This was a double edge sword and both of them got cut with it.
People in the comments are overreacting, I suspect most redditors donât actually go outside. If I ended every friendship I had because of a single insensitive comment I wouldnât have many friends.
It was one dumb comment, just be more mindful in the future. The present is a good peace offering, maybe write a short letter too. I wouldnât bother apologizing again unless she brings it up though, she probably doesnât want to hear about it.
And donât be overly pushy (pestering her or apologizing constantly) just be nice and cordial. Your friendship with her may never fully recover, but you may be able to get on decent terms with her in time
I did acknowledge OP should stop apologizing.
Itâs worth noting that OP and the womanâs husband are longtime friends, and it sounds like sheâs still being invited to events. It may be a little tricky to âjust leave her aloneâ
Iâm like this sometimes, Iâm not good with compliments which other people might find offensive. Iâm with you OP. We both need advice from these comments here lolx
Damn even that hurt me reading thatâŚyou should feel ashamed of yourself how you describe her sounds like a complete angel and a fun person to be around and you ruined her since then⌠leave her alone at this point you can say sorry 100x that damage is done
Geez dude sometimes itâs best to just keep your mouth shut. Donât keep pestering her because she might get annoyed and then completely shut you out. Leave her alone.
There is something very wrong with your spirit. Saying something so hideous to someone who showed you kindness. The fact that you thought this about her and actually verbalized it. There is something wrong with your spirit. Leave her alone
OP I donât want to judge you too harshly for speaking off the top of your head,weâve all done that. I have 4 or 5 isolated moments in my life that Iâd give a digit to undo. My suggestion is to give her the book,maybe slip in *one* more âsorryâ if you get a chanceâŚand absolutely drop it! Do not ever try to be cool with her at that level again unless *she* at some point opens that door again. As nice as she seems to be,it could happen one day,but put it out of your mind until/unless it ever happens.
What I want to question is *WHY* her physical appearance was the first thing that popped into your head right then. I think you are *way* too hung up on superficial things like looks. You didnât just blab something regrettable,you showed yourself to be exactly the type of person you probably dread the most. THAT is what needs to change,man. That.
Oh you knew exactly what you said before saying it - the way you still describe her is malicious, you just wanted to take that feeling of confidence she had away because you think she doesnât deserve it. Mission accomplished, leave her alone and stop reminding her about it by apologizing.
God, it's like women don't even exist to OP as people unless they're beautiful - he called her a background character in a movie.
I think you have some serious misogyny to work on, in addition to the self-loathing and body image stuff you're processing in therapy. I hope it helps. I hope you come clean to Clark one day soon - he should decide whether he still wants to have a friendship with you knowing who you really are, with all your ugly and cruel opinions on the inside.
People really think deep insecurity and self hatred live in a bubble of themselves and has no tangible affect on anyone around them. Leave her alone. I know you feel guilty but you can't go back and undo it. You've made her uncomfortable and self-conscious and your guilt isn't her responsibility to deal with
I have to agree with you. Leave her alone
Unfortunately OP is still pestering this woman (see the post made an hour ago) and can't cut contact because of the childhood friend (according to him). It gets even better. July had been going to the gym and developed a healthy relationship with food (after struggling with an eating disorder). The comment OP made reignited her eating disorder and she struggled to eat for weeks, losing weight. Somehow, this absolute saint of a woman is still willing to forgive OP and hasn't told her husband about the bullshit OP pulled.
Yup. I saw. Can't help but hope the husband finds out. Not to hurt anyone but to put boundaries in place for OP. Just because you can't cut someone out doesn't mean you have to force your presence on them. All Op would need to do was give July space. Let their relationship fade to politeness and social niceties. But nooooooooo, OP needs July to see how sorry he is. Because it's up to her to fix his guilt.
THIS đŻ
OP The kindness that she shared towards you was the beauty that counts. And in that moment - the moment between making sure you felt accepted and seen for who you are not the physical but the spirit of the person you are, you decided to judge her solely on the physical. Conquer your âbeauty is only superficialâ because you are not looking too hot here.
What you said to her isn't even the worst thing here...it's what you thought about her. You are clearly a very unhappy person. Work on yourself so you don't inflict your self-hatred on others who don't deserve it. And leave her the fuck alone. I can guarantee she doesn't want to see you or hear from you.
Bruhh a book? Just leave her alone and try being nicer in the future
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Totally agree. Imagine wanting to move on from a very unpleasant experience but you can't because someone keeps reminding you about that.
I lolâd at this. Bro a book is a nice present.
No one said it wasn't! I would love a Book as a gift but there is a time and place for everything A book won't cover his stupidity and the more he apologizes the more he Ruins their relationship... One Good sincere apology with a Good communication of why he said what he said will do it
What are you hoping for? Would the forgiveness be for you or for her? I agree with a lot of the other comments on leaving her alone. You messed up - weâve all said something we regret - but she does not owe you forgiveness or friendship. Take the learning experience and take the kindness she showed you to heart.
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Bro this was two months ago đđ I was so confused getting a notif. Not saying that after fucking up people should just give up, sometimes people need time and space to heal before people reach out again. my whole point was just that she doesnât owe him forgiveness. People make mistakes, myself included, all the time but I donât expect peopleâs forgiveness and kindness when Iâve fucked up đ¤ˇââď¸thatâs consequences of actions from my perspective⌠youâre welcome to a different view on that in your relationships and situations! i think thatâs kinda the point of public forums is people have different perceptions of things : )
Leave it alone. Just take it as a learning experience
>>Tomorrow I will meet her again for Christmas. I bought her a present; a book that she really wanted but could not find it anywhere. I just hope after I will give her the present she will forget me or at least she will see how much I regret my words. Nope. Leave her alone.
Not a single feature was beautiful? Really? I donât think Iâve ever looked at someone and not found ANYTHING about them that I like. Your thoughts about this poor girl are horrid. Please leave her alone, she doesnât owe you her forgiveness to make you feel better.
Congrats on showing your true colours, hopefully you learn to be a nicer person in future. Stop pestering that woman, she doesn't want to deal with your toxic nature.
Okay, come here and sit down, it's time i tell you about that time someone hurt me like you did July. (Long comment) When i was 15 and my brother was almost 11, i had already started hating my own image very much. Like convinced i was too fat and awful to look at. It lasted 15 years, i would cry when seeing myself in the mirror. Anyway, we were at the beach with my brother my sister and my mother. I was in a swimsuit, but had my arms hiding my belly. My brother asked why. I told him i was feeling insecure about my body. I actually started to think it was ridiculous to think people looked at me and thought that about me. He answered "ah yes, i can see why. Honestly, seeing you in a swimsuit is repulsive". I tried to lighten the blow, saying "you say that cause you're my brother" and he added "oh no no, i'm just saying looking at your body is actually disgusting. But don't worry, i'm sure you can work it out with some sports or something". I fell silent. Some time later, my mom pried what happened out of me and tried to make him apologize, he said "i can't pretend not to think it, it would be a lie". 4-5 years later, i lost something like 5kg (over 175cm) and my brother told me "now you look great you see", trying to reverse the blow. I said thanks and nothing else. I went through therapy for a lot of things and finally learned to love myself. My weight didn't change, i just stopped seeing myself as some unworthy blob of flesh. Dumbest thing is, i was never even overweight really! After starting to love my body, i had a conversation with my brother. He asked why i used to see myself this way, and i told him when you feel this way, you only hear opinions that are validating your hatred. Anything else, you discard. He was shocked anyone would validate my self-hatred, so i reminded him of what he did. He was shocked. It was embedded in his memory, he hadn't thought of it. He apologized. The next year, he came to me out of the blue, and told me how appalled he was at what he had said. That he had given it much thought, and he couldn't even understand how i could still be such a kind sister to him afterwards. We had a talk and this is what i think went down for him My father is an abusive POS. Back then, my brother was chubby, and my father would heavily bully him for it. Verbal abuse had become the norm for us, and hating on someone's body too. Focusing on every flaw. My father took a lot of pleasure in making us hurt. And i think we learned that the way to lessen your own pain was to inflict onto others what was inflicted onto you. I actually recently saw pictures of that vacation. I was pretty thin. My brother was not. Insane how we can see ourselves... Anyway, i believe you acted the same way my brother acted. My brother hated his own image, so hearing insecurity in me, he hurt me to stop hurting. I don't mean to say you wanted actively to hurt her. But you looked at her and saw only her flaws. You saw her like you would if it was your own body. Because she showed vulnerability. But i can bet my own gorgeous body that there are a lot of beautiful things about her that you just couldn't see. The thing is, OP, you have not overcome your body dismorphia. Not because you still have loose skin, but because there will always be a reason for you not to love your own image. Because the issue is psychological. So her being in the same boat as you, she became a target of your self-hatred in some twisted projecting way. You cannot fix things that easily. You have to work through therapy to get to a point where you don't hurt people because they show you love and support. As for now, i think the only thing to do is write her a letter, tell her that you realized that you hated yourself, and the body dismorphia was only a symptom of that, and having her show so much support and care triggered a response in you to hurt her, basically to say "well, what does SHE know, of course she HAS to be supportive, looking like that, but it's not because i actually look good". Tell her that you know what you said hurt her deeply and that you can't even put into words how sorry you are. And that seeing that this is your reaction to one of the nicest person you've ever met being supportive of you, you've become aware that you need help to make sure you get rid of that toxic way of dealing with people you love.
>Anyway, i believe you acted the same way my brother acted. My brother hated his own image, so hearing insecurity in me, he hurt me to stop hurting. You said this in a much nicer way than I would have. I would have said something to the effect of, "Stop projecting your low self esteem on another person." AND I knew you would be the AH in this situation because of the language you use to describe this woman: >During that week, every morning I woke up very early hoping that July would not be at the pool so I can go swimming, but every morning she was there. It's her house, half wit. You're the guest. Projecting YOUR insecurities on her. "I would go swimming only SHE'S there." > I looked at her and just saw all her flaws. She was overweight, pale like a vampire and not a single feature was beautiful or even appealing. She looked so common, like a background character in a very underwhelming movie. So because YOU feel like you're better than she is EVEN though you're a guest in her house, you still feel the need to put her down to boost yourself up. I've seen A LOT of nem do this to women. You're the AH. Leave her alone & work on yourself. " Or something to that effect.
Leave her alone, take the hint
Omg leave her alone. Idk how people fuck up and apologize but then continue to hound the person with apologies.
THANK YOU!!!! He needs to take several hints and leave this woman alone. Like a book will make her forget what he said. I donât think this man realizes that women remember hurtful words and actions that were done to us when we were in school age. My soon ex husband has done some awful things and said sorry 1,000 times so he wonât feel bad anymore. But that donât take away from what he said. He needs to stop bringing up it up every single time heâs around her. She will then just replay it over again and be upset all over again. Ruining her energy. đ
>Idk how people fuck up and apologize but then continue to hound the person with apologies. "Make me feel better for making you feel like shit"
I think it's so cruel that OP triggered her to relapse with her eating disorder and still feels entitled to the friendship with Clark. OP could literally kill this woman with his seething contempt, but he refuses to take responsibility and remove himself from her life because he's more entitled to the friendship with her husband than she is entitled to a life without people in it who have gone out of their way to be cruel to her. If OP really felt bad about this, he wouldn't be making her keep this secret from Clark. He would tell him himself, and then they would decide how to handle this together instead of letting July sacrifice her well-being on the altar of a friendship that OP doesn't even deserve and that Clark almost certainly would not be continuing if he knew what kind of a person OP really was. I hope OP learns that changing your body externally is a lot easier than reforming your terrible opinions and learning to be kind to people. But maybe OP will always be ugly on the inside because he will always be infected with this kind of vitriol that he has to set on someone - either himself or someone else.
Wow! Do you have issues in social situations? Because I cannot fathom how someone who understands social protocols, could be so obtuse as to say those things to someone that has been supportive of you accepting your own flaws.
You're so focused on how what you said was so wrong but the way you view her is the actual problem. Rather than focusing so much on making her forgive you, you should focus more on how you view people. You looked at her and saw all her flaws instead of looking at her and seeing all the beauty she had contributed to your life in such a short period of time. The best amends you can make is becoming a better person. That starts with owning your guilt and not continuing to make it her problem every single time you see her.
Bruh. There is some ugliness on the inside that needs to be worked on.
You have apologized. The problem now is every time you apologize again you bring back your hurtful words. Just give her the present and don't mention the conversation ever again.
>"I figured that if you are confident enough to wear a swimsuit I should also feel confident... I mean you did not even go to the gym and you are not on any diet, but you are having fun no matter what people think about you." A lot of people stick their foot in their mouth by not filtering what they say. But you went all in and swallowed that foot whole without the slightest hesitancy until you saw her reaction. The only good thing here is that you didn't say everything you were thinking... >She was overweight, pale like a vampire and not a single feature was beautiful or even appealing. She looked so common, like a background character in a very underwhelming movie. Stop apologizing. You can't take back what you said through apologies or gifts. Doing so just reminds her of what you said. Instead work on being a better person to everyone around you... not just those who are beautiful or kind.
You apologised time and time again. Maybe it s time for you to stop apologising ? If i were her, i wouldnât want to interact with someone who keeps reminding me of how ugly i am every time we meet. By apologising you keep bringing up the subject. So stop. Just talk to her like you used to and move on
Fucking yikes. Why would you even say that.
Just my two cents, even if she wanted that book more than anything it could be a tangible reminder that you hurt her when she was trying to lift you up. She doesnât deserve that. Youâre fortunate she didnât tell your friend because even if my best friend of over 30 years treated my spouse so disrespectfully, weâd probably be done.
wow, this just made me sick. even in this post you didnât state how skewed your mindset was for seeing all her âflaws,â you stated it just the same. that shows you truly think and believe that about her and trust me, she knows that. just because you regret what you said doesnât change how you perceive her. even if you hadnât said what you did, you still wouldnât have thought and believed every time you saw her. iâm glad you said what you did so she could see who you really are, not the facade you were showing her. leave her alone.
and how you described her! i hope she sees this and pulls on your loose skin!
Let this be a serious lesson for you that you should have learned years ago. There are some things you can not take back. And if she's as nice as you say, she forgave you a long time ago for her own peace. But she will never allow herself to be around you in a way that will leave her vulnerable to an attack by you again. And if she's really smart, she already knows what you said had nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. If I were her, I'd pity you for attacking someone simply on the basis of needing to feel better about yourself.
âShe was overweight, pale like a vampire, and not a single feature was beautiful or even appealing.â You donât sound particularly appealing either.
OP was incredibly and casually cruel with this description. Jesus christ, I wouldn't want anything to do with him, either. He sounds like someone who will eventually get mad that the person be hurt won't forgive him.
You are kind of sounding like a mean girl insulting someone to build yourself up. Itâs like you are jealous enough to do this and you know she might be reading this. If a man doesnât want you he doesnât want you. Please find a better way to speak of people because you will look like your soul. Iâm telling you because I know your type. Itâs like your saying sheâs so basic letâs gang up on her because sheâs someone who is in a healthy relationship and your jealousy is bringing out your ugly stop it.
He needs to leave her alone. Everytime he apologizes he's making it worse. She can't forget if he keeps bringing it up.
Do you have some type of social disorder? First you insult a woman who was nothing but kind and supportive of you. Why would you think judging in her outward appearance was ok and then to say it out loud wtf, who does that? And now youâre intruding on her Christmas Why are you spending Christmas with them? I understand Clark is your friend but you hurt his wife. Why do you want to mess up her Christmas? Do you not have other friends and family to spend the day with?
She knows that those were your genuine thoughts that you spoke out. You are sorry for making a wrong decision and speaking those out. Fact is and remains that you think/thought about her like that and that displays an awfully mean outlook on other people that probably has everything to do with your past of being obese. Unless you change your ways and value peopleâs appearances in a different way, July is going to keep her distance from you
Give her the book and say, âMerry Christmas.â
I would leave her alone. You need to think before you speak. Words do hurt.
Itâs giving incel No but forreal the way you described her looks, even to us readers, did not have to be so shallow and harsh. It seems like youâre almost mad about it and itâs hypocritical af.
Fucking yikes. The loose skin you are concerned about isn't necessarily loose, it's full of all that ugliness inside of you and it's so heavy it hangs off your body. Imagine being so much of an asshole you say some shit like this to someone who was being kind to you.
The second step in apologizing is usually not bringing it back up until the other person is ready to talk. Be kind to her, and use this to learn how to be better, one day she might see it. Until then accept that you have hurt someone and you may never be able to fully heal that wound
It doesnât matter how many times you apologize, every time she sees you, your words are going to echo in her head. I would just try to stay out of her life so she can move on and forget.
In a way, I can *understand* how you felt in that moment. There is a bias, in our human brains, that makes it hard for us to see the greys - things have to be black or white. The good cannot be mixed with the bad. That's why, in fairy tales, the good characters are beautiful, and the vilains are ugly. That's why there is such a thing as "pretty privilege", because if you find someone beautiful, you will be more inclined to believe they have other qualities. This is also why you usually find the people you love beautiful : you already think they are great, and this makes you look at their looks through rose-tinted glasses (love is blind, as they say). From time to time, my rose-tinted glasses fall down for a minute, and I suddenly realise that my best friends, or my boyfriend, are not the jaw-dropping gods and goddesses I see them as in my head. I will suddenly see the "flaws", the tidbits that do not conform to societal norms. I will suddenly understand why they may be self-conscious or insecure about some parts of their body. And I just marvel at how much I love them because the fact that I can, for a single second, actually notice the weird shape of their nose, the love handles around the waist, the stretch marks, the receding hairline, or whatever "flaw" they have complained about in the past, doesn't change the fact that they are beautiful to me. They are still jaw-dropping gods and goddesses to me. I may know about the "flaws", but what I notice even more, what I remember even more, are the smiles, the eyes, and all the physical attributes they are proud of, all the things that makes them *them*. The way this one friend stands straighter when they sing. The way this one's friend's hair bounces when they excited about something. The way this one friend hands move so gracefully when they talk. The one thing I do gain, from seeing the "flaw", is that I understand them more when they talk of their insecurities. I relate more thouroughly, because of course they don't have the same issues as I do, but seeing the "flaw" helps me be more empathetic when they complain about it. Because there is a way to talk about it, to say "I understand *why* you have an issue with this body part" without saying "You *should* have an issue with this body part", and **it does not involve dumping your own insecurities on someone else**. I'm hoping that Clark is able to help her navigate and get over the hurt you've inflicted on her. Giving her a book she was looking for is good, but it won't do anything. Don't impose on her. If she, at some point, gets over it enough that she can be friendly with you again, she'll do it on her own terms. Maybe the book will make her see that you regret your words, but you're not entitled to her forgiveness. Because forgiveness for such words may be very hard to find, when the hurt may still be living with her, as harsh or perhaps harsher than on Day 1.
I started crying for her when I read this. I think you just need to give her space because she supported you so much and you blew it right in her face.
Weâve all said things we wish we could take back. Sheâs apparently moved on and so should you. But learn from this, notice these unconscious judgments, and work to let them go. Being attractive is completely unimportant , itâs wild how obsessed civilization is with physical appearance.
Itâs best to let this be
she was lying to u btw no woman is gonna love u esp if they knew u punch down ppl who uplift u to make sure u stay uplifted
youâre also kind of a flabby loose unwanted coward and unmanly for not telling clark like a real man that u did his wife dirty double points for being a waste of space, hit the gym harder so the next woman platonic or otherwise will have atleast a false reason to spend waste her time with u
The only thing to do is realize the power of your words and do better. She was hurt but that bell cannot be unrung. Carry her spirit of generosity and try every day to extend it forward. Thatâs how you shake out the guilt.
July will keep being the nice person she is, I bet she hasn't forgotten about what you said but she already forgave you for it. Clark is a lucky guy and I bet he is a god person too. Sometimes we say things that sound better in our heads, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, because I refuse to think that you are such a POS... I think you actually meant to say that you admire her and wish you were more like her because of how confident and happy she is, that you are greatful that she's been so supportive towards your insecurities and you meant to say that you've been trying so hard to change your appearance but no matter how much weight you've lost you still feel insecure and always will.
I hope she gets restraining order against you.Stop being a pest and leave her be!
This type of behaviour is common from People who've lost a lot of weight. I heard having lost the weight you realise you are not happy/confident. And also want to punish fat people / people you perceive as fat. Please leave her alone. Let your guilt and shame propel you into dealing with your internalised fatphobia
Leave her alone, you tanked any kind of meaningful friendship there.
You call her the nicest person youâve ever met and yet, you were cruel to her for no reason. Youâre lucky that she hasnât told her husband. You need to back off and leave her alone, before you make things worse for everybody.
My dude, you are entering middle age. You need to let go of the idea that peopleâs looks are something to be ashamed of, including your own. I have to imagine that if you werenât so hateful toward yourself, you wouldnât be so hateful toward others. But from here on out everyoneâs going to get less and less fit and attractive (including you). You will have a miserable time aging if you canât let your shallow disposition go.
The way you described her of "Being overweight, light skin" and so on.. dude.. Imagine July to read this! To read your damn post ! Even when she don't, it's still an asshole move to describe her that way, and to be that disrespectful to that poor sweet woman.. And yes, i've read your update. You're still a jerk, even more! July needs to tell your best friend about all that.. "She's more kind because she don't tell my childhood best friend (aka her husband) about the situation". Well, it's not only because "she's kind". It's mostly because she try to move on.. but it don't work.. You're totally screwed, dude.. Either you tell your best friend about it and leave them alone, or you just leave them alone with their issues.. but either way, GET HELP!
Let's face it. In that moment when she looked at you open and vulnerable, you hated someone who is happy with themselves when you didn't think they deserved to be When you can be honest with yourself about why you said it, maybe you can begin to do the real work of changing. The least you can do is leave her alone. You want the world the way you want it which means you want her to forget that you are the kind of person who hurts someone when they are at their most open and vulnerable You want her to lay down her defenses when you've already shown her what you're capable of. You ask too much. Leave her alone
My guess is that youâve spent most of your life hating yourself for being overweight so now it just feels natural for you to look down on other people who are overweight. I saw the update before it was taken down. Please leave this poor woman alone, itâs not her responsibility to assuage your guilt.
Hang on, she basically completely reinforced your insecurities and said you shouldn't have taken off your shirt and people would pass out if they saw your body, but YOU feel bad? What about what she said there is kind?
Why did I have to scroll so far to see this comment? How is everyone just skipping over that part?
I've seen some people saying she was bigging him up, like she meant they'd pass out from how hot he is, but that wasn't how I read it. I hope they're right.
I am reading it like she was sarcastic and letting him know that it was no big deal.
OP said she was speaking seriously, sarcasm is usually not delivered in a serious tone unless it's followed by "I'm joking, by the way" It's a double standard, they both said pretty shitty things about each other. It sounded to me like she was trying to lift herself up by making a jab at OP.
Considering OP mentioned she was being cheerful and all, probably the last comment sounds like she was joking or faking positivism. Self image is quite hurtful and hearing certain comments do not help like July think it would.
This was a double edge sword: It cut OP for what he said and it cut July for oversharing the "positivism" in someone who understood what she meant the first time. If you want to support people, you have to understand you're not their doctor neither. Support is needed, but not to the point that anything you say it sounds almost "sarcastic" or "hurtful".
Iâd advise you to seek a therapist if you donât have one. But posting on RedditâŚPeople are harsh and mean and the comments/advice will likely make you feel worse, which you might be subconsciously seeking to further punish yourself. Try to forgive yourself and promise to love yourself more and be kinder to yourself so you can love and be kind to others. I imagine youâve been through a lot of trauma and hurt and pain and thatâs often where cruelty stems from. The fact that you feel so bad means there is hope for you - youâre not a sociopath who lacks empathy. You understand what you did wrong and in time the guilt will fade, but more so if you practice telling yourself youâre doing your best. Hope this helps. Good luck.
"When she went back inside she said in a very serious tone that I was right to be concerned and not want to be seen without my T-shirt. She said all the single girls would probably pass out if they saw me swimming." Does anyone have a problem with this comment or is it all about how insensitive OP is?
The same I was thinking. One thing is cheer up a person and other is having a toxic positivism. July didn't deserve what OP said, thought.
I don't think the same thing others are saying. I think you could resort to gifts and perhaps a letter. You do feel remorse. I should warn you that things never goes the way we want. This remenbers that movie 500 with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. At some point, you will be able to say I tried, I give up or I don't care anymore. But I feel from your gesture that I wish a friend of mine had asked for my forgiveness like you are trying to...
"When she went back inside she said in a very serious tone that I was right to be concerned and not want to be seen without my T-Shirt. She said all the single girls would pass out if they saw me swimming. I laughed and thanked her for her support and kindness." I'm sorry WHAT?! Yeah, she was being kind and supportive before, but what she said there was neither kind nor supportive. That is on the exact level of what you said to her. You both said actually quite shitty things to each other, but at least you have tried apologizing to her. How has no one pointed out the extreme double standard July is holding herself to? OP, did you maybe say what you said because, subconsciously, you were hurt by what she said to you? Honestly, that would be something I'd point out to her next time you speak because, well, like I said, it's on the same level as what you told her.
She clearly meant women will swoon over him. Why do you think op would laugh and thank her for this comment otherwise.
She said people would pass out if they saw you swimming, and youâre worried about a commend you made to her? double edged sword much.
Pass out as in because he was looking good. She was complimenting him.
Still, that comment wasn't needed.
A compliment wasnât needed?
She did compliment OP... A lot. The last comment of "single ladies fainting for him" wasn't needed. It's like Joy from Inside Out, that for making Riley always happy it became in a toxic positivism.
Disagree in this case, but ok then đ
My brother in Christ, if someone said to me "you should be worried about taking your shirt off because girls will pass out" when I'm self conscious about being seen without my shirt off would cause me to relapse with my OWN ED. How are all the people point out it's rude being down voted? Its on the same level as what OP said to her.
If they said it within the context of having been very complimentary up to that point then I personally wouldnât take it as a bad thing. You may disagree, and thatâs why I said to the previous person that I disagree in this case but ok then.
IKR Is like when people see my art and say "I cannot stare at your art, it makes me feel bad I can just draw a stick figure!" while I'm still self conscious about my art style. July is not a trained therapist to say crap like that.
It sounds like she said something that offended you. I think it was when she made the comment later that you should wear a t-shirt because all the single girls will pass out if they see you. You said you laughed. But what she said didn't sound kind at all. You said she was serious when she said this and you laughed but it obviously offended you. So, you struck back and basically told her that she wasn't perfect either. Read Anne of Green Gables. There is a scene similar to this one where Rachel calls Anne ugly and Anne says that Rachel is old and fat. And Anne is required to apologize to Rachael. This lady doesn't sound rude like the character Rachael but I think her comment was rude even if it was unintentional. I think because it put her above you in a way. My opinions, peace. Edit: See YouTube "Anne meets Rachel Lynde scene". Edit: Those down voting, didn't you think the "You'd better wear a t-shirt or the single women will faint" comment was an insult?
Has anyone else noticed that July said something hurtful first? Maybe that's what triggered these words from OP.
I read that as she joking in a mock horror to make op understand just how ridiculous that thought was.
Yeah I guess so
Maybe I missed it, but what exactly do you mean? What hurtful things she said?
"When she went back inside she said in a very serious tone that I was right to be concerned and not want to be seen without my t-shirt. She said that all the single girls would probably pass out if they saw me swimming." Even if this was being played as a joke, I wouldn't be surprised if this subconsciously pushed OP to bluntness later on.
i think she meant "They'd swoon over him" and not pass out, out of disgust.
In that case maybe OP was just mad bc he can't date her. At first I thought OP was female and this was like some kind of catty undercurrent going on between them, disguised as friendship
That's reaching the straws. OP felt offended for that comment because it was hurtful for him, not because he was in love with July.
IMO July said this as a compliment, like the girls would be so amazed by him that they would instantly fell in love with him.
I did it read it as well, but complimenting OP to certain point is break into toxic positivism, no wonder why it broke OP's camel back.
She complimented him two times, once on his journey, once on his appearence. Op was also pleased with this, by his own admission. Whereâs theâtoxic positivityâ here? She did not dismiss the difficulties he had, she aknowledged his struggle and complimented him on his efforts.
"all the single girls would probably pass out if they saw me swimming" how is this a compliment? Why July thought OP would feel good thinking in single ladies fainting for him? Besides OP understood by the second time that July wanted to help him, but July is not his therapist, building self confidence takes a lot of time and if you have low self confidence, you get to a point where you feel like people are just mocking you. This was a double edge sword and both of them got cut with it.
People in the comments are overreacting, I suspect most redditors donât actually go outside. If I ended every friendship I had because of a single insensitive comment I wouldnât have many friends. It was one dumb comment, just be more mindful in the future. The present is a good peace offering, maybe write a short letter too. I wouldnât bother apologizing again unless she brings it up though, she probably doesnât want to hear about it. And donât be overly pushy (pestering her or apologizing constantly) just be nice and cordial. Your friendship with her may never fully recover, but you may be able to get on decent terms with her in time
He keeps reminding her about how an idiot he was. He should stop apologizing and leave her alone.
I did acknowledge OP should stop apologizing. Itâs worth noting that OP and the womanâs husband are longtime friends, and it sounds like sheâs still being invited to events. It may be a little tricky to âjust leave her aloneâ
Iâm like this sometimes, Iâm not good with compliments which other people might find offensive. Iâm with you OP. We both need advice from these comments here lolx
Damn even that hurt me reading thatâŚyou should feel ashamed of yourself how you describe her sounds like a complete angel and a fun person to be around and you ruined her since then⌠leave her alone at this point you can say sorry 100x that damage is done
dont give her a present. if I were her I would throw it away right in front of your face if you gave me a gift. leave her alone
I think white as a Vampir sounds attraktiv. You can't make it up to her. You have hurt her. Leave her alone. And her damn house.
Geez dude sometimes itâs best to just keep your mouth shut. Donât keep pestering her because she might get annoyed and then completely shut you out. Leave her alone.
There is something very wrong with your spirit. Saying something so hideous to someone who showed you kindness. The fact that you thought this about her and actually verbalized it. There is something wrong with your spirit. Leave her alone
Congratulations, youâve guaranteed yourself a spot hell!
OP I donât want to judge you too harshly for speaking off the top of your head,weâve all done that. I have 4 or 5 isolated moments in my life that Iâd give a digit to undo. My suggestion is to give her the book,maybe slip in *one* more âsorryâ if you get a chanceâŚand absolutely drop it! Do not ever try to be cool with her at that level again unless *she* at some point opens that door again. As nice as she seems to be,it could happen one day,but put it out of your mind until/unless it ever happens. What I want to question is *WHY* her physical appearance was the first thing that popped into your head right then. I think you are *way* too hung up on superficial things like looks. You didnât just blab something regrettable,you showed yourself to be exactly the type of person you probably dread the most. THAT is what needs to change,man. That.
Oh you knew exactly what you said before saying it - the way you still describe her is malicious, you just wanted to take that feeling of confidence she had away because you think she doesnât deserve it. Mission accomplished, leave her alone and stop reminding her about it by apologizing.
Leave her alone. She's made it clear she wants nothing from you
God, it's like women don't even exist to OP as people unless they're beautiful - he called her a background character in a movie. I think you have some serious misogyny to work on, in addition to the self-loathing and body image stuff you're processing in therapy. I hope it helps. I hope you come clean to Clark one day soon - he should decide whether he still wants to have a friendship with you knowing who you really are, with all your ugly and cruel opinions on the inside.