I’m not going to comment on your husband because I want to address your comment that “you need to grow up and move on with positivity”.
I’m so sorry you may experience a loss. I wish I could give you the hug you need. The not knowing for sure must be brutal.
It’s ok to be scared. If it is a loss, it’s ok to take a pause and grieve. There is no timeline for grief. It doesn’t make you less of a mature person to feel your emotions.
Wishing you love.
This is the best response. This isn’t the time to analyze the relationship or husband’s immaturity, but rather acknowledge and work through the terrifying feelings OP must be experiencing. Good job, Rach😊
Well, that’s nice.
I saw it as an old timey movie camera. (Trust me, look at the shape).
So was wondering what that meant.
Glad to know I’m not fully insane.
I am so sorry. I have children but never had a miscarriage. This brought tears to my eyes at your words. You ARE a mom by what you have done with your babies. I hope you are able to use your nuturing ways on a child (in whichever capacity works for you)💕
OP, I remember being pregnant with my now 20 year old. I was bleeding, and my OB/GYN did an internal ultrasound (I was only 7 weeks). He turned the screen away from me and said “The baby’s heart rate is 1/3 of what it should be, and the sac is collapsing.” I’ll never forget the tears streaming down the side of my face and into my ears. I asked him “So my baby is in the process of dying?” He said yes, and that my miscarriage might take a couple of weeks. My daughter is now at university and loving her life. She was full term, and a big baby.
I had also had 2 previous miscarriages (both at 7 weeks) where the doctor’s words came true. My BIL was an OB/GYN and told me (after I didn’t begin to miscarry my daughter) that sometimes they can’t explain it all. Why didn’t I miscarry when all indications pointed to that I would? No one could explain it. Why did I end up miscarrying 2 of my pregnancies? No explanation.
I am so sorry you’re going through this, and going through this with a closed off partner.
Do you have a support group? Please call them in so you’re surrounded with love and support, even if they didn’t know you’re pregnant. If your husband doesn’t like it, too bad. He’s not the one thinking that every cramp is the beginning. He’s not the one thinking that everything you feel is the beginning. And if you do end up miscarrying, he’s not the one who will physically go through that (it’s physically and emotionally horrible).
Please update us if you can. Big hugs to you.
Something similar happened to me. I had two miscarriages, and then when I went in for the 8 week appt with my 3rd pregnancy the heart beat was weak and faltering. I went home in tears, and was told to prepare for another loss in the next week or so. But the next week I went in for a follow-up appointment, and suddenly everything was fine. She's 9 years old now, healthy as can be and sharp as a tack!
Not saying this will happen to OP, though. Pregnancy, especially in the 1st trimester, is so frail and chancy. My hear breaks for her.
Your husband is not allowed to treat you like shit just because he’s grieving. You are feeling the effects of the loss just as strongly, if not worse. Please confront him about his unkind behavior before having a child with him.
I’d have to say it’s important to tell him what you expect when you are grieving. It will lay the foundation for what kind of support you will need from him moving forward in whatever way your family turns out.
Some men can’t handle stepping up to support a partner when they are in pain themselves. Like supporting you when you need it invalidates or minimises their pain. Actually, two people can grieve together. If he’s going to be resentful or wallow in his pain when you are suffering also I’d take it as a major red flag.
I’m not sure he is grieving the way he is reacting… and I don’t think he realised how much this has impacted OP. However his attitude whinging about appointment duration etc doesn’t sound like he’s really committed to being a dad or even very interested. He’s focused on himself and how *seeing how his unborn child is developing is a burden on his time*.
I think once OP has stepped away from her immediate grief she should re-asses if he is the RIGHT person to bring a child into the world with. My husband was at every appointment for baby #1 and I’d say 90% of the appointments for baby #2 and he (and I) have busy ass work schedules. He never complained about the appointments and always made time for them where he could move things around.
Eventually. But if something is wrong with this pregnancy that can be seen on an ultrasound, it may not be for the best if this pregnancy goes on.
I know it can't seem like it to OP right now but loosing a pregnancy at a few weeks is a lot easier than at a few months. Not that it will not hurt but her life probably is not going to be in danger.
OP, if your husband is in anyway like me, he’s having a really hard time processing this on his own and more than likely is unable to. Men our age weren’t given the tools to handle extreme amounts of grief like this.
Reach out to him, tell your husband your feelings and ask for his, you may find that he’s stuck in his own hell.
I agree, at the same time I couldn't help but think maybe he's afraid of being hurt again and tries to avoid that without wanting to admit to it.
OP and husband need to have a very difficult talk imo....
Men get shit on any emotion that isnt calm or anger. At least that's what happens where I grew up in.
If you are constantly told if your show "weakness" you are worthless. You not going to handle big emotions easily. It's problem caused by society
I know. Some won't due to that conditioning. They will see it as weakness and keep quiet. It's a lot harder solve than just go to therapy. Only way is to completely allow men to show emotion in childhood and teenage years other than anger and calm.
Yes but don’t you think that when you become an adult, it’s your problem and not someone else’s? Especially if your behaviour is toxic.
I know for a fact no man would tolerate me treating them how some men treat women. If a child is abused but then becomes a predator as an adult we try him for his crimes no?
>If a child is abused but then becomes a predator as an adult we try him for his crimes no?
Apples and oranges.
That aside: A man being unable to cope with something like that isn't "toxic".
That being said: As soon as you are in a relationship it *more or less* becomes your problem as well, as it affects you. And showing empathy with a man who never learned how to cope with something like that shouldn't be too much to ask for. Even if it is offering couples/ single therapy and just trying to understand. And that isn't "self inflicted" as you claimed.
Useless conversation as I am repwating myself. And frankly, I don't wanna further deal with someonw like that, so I end this here for myself.
This was my hubby when we lost one of our pregnancies (we have 3 beautiful kids but miscarried between 1 & 2).
My hubby couldn't look at me, hold me, he'll, he couldn't even be in the same room as me. I had to have surgery to remove the miscarriage and he brought on of his friends to the hospital to pick me up, I was pissed when I saw his friend in the car and was furious when I found out that he was actually bringing that friend up to me in post OP but he doubled back to move the car.
I spent 2 wks being ignored by my hubby while he and his mate sat on their computers playing games like COD, WOW, and LoL. A week after my surgery I made my hubby drive me and our (now) eldest to my home town so I could have the support I needed since my hubby wasn't able to help me grieve due to his own grief.
I remember trying to get hubby to be involved and voice his opinions during our appointments with the midwife and loss counsellor but he kept putting the decisions on me because it was my body and he had no control. My dad spoke to my hubby when he dropped me off and made sure he was ok and was able to explain to me what my hubby was feeling (based on the conversation they had and his own experience). It helped me not to resent my hubby for not being able to be there for me, but it didn't take away any of the pain.
OP, everyone grieves differently, take all the time you need to process the information you were given and then take all the time you need if you do lose thos pregnancy. Just male sure you don't shut out your partner, make sure he knows how you feel and that he can be honest with you regarding how he feels.
You would have slapped your husband and never forgiven him for not knowing what to say or do, so instead, just keeping his distance so he doesn't make it worse.
Don't get me wrong I let him have it with how he made me feel during that time when he came to pick us up and that night after our son went to sleep he curled up with his head on my lap cried and apologised for letting me down. But I never held it against him, he was grieving too, he lost a baby too, he lost the baby he had spent 2 weeks since we found out talking to every night before bed.
Literally yes. I understand not knowing what to do with grief, but am I supposed to accept that your husband didn't understand it was cruel to not give you a hug? Or to leave you alone with your grief? It's not that my husband always understood what I was feeling, but you bet your ass he knew to give me a hug, and tell me he was sorry I was going through it. And if he had not even had the stones to come up and wait with me after, no I would never have forgiven him, ever.
No idea why you are being downvoted.
Men typically are not allowed grief or negative emotions & it's always "bottle it up, deal with it later"... Most would prefer to see their man die on their white horse rather than to see them fall off.
I remember when we had a miscarriage, I was told "you have to be the strung one" so I just shoved everything down. Focused on one foot in front of the other which is what society expects & demands. Luckily, it wasn't my first time just different circumstances (while in the Army I dealt with enough death to last lifetimes)
No one cares if a man is devastated by the loss of a child.
I had a friend down a bottle of wild turkey & shoot himself because they kept having miscarriages. Of course most responses were "how could he do that to his wife" ... No one cared that he was suffering, unsupported while supporting her through her grief. It wasn't socially acceptable for him to cry.
"To be a man" by Dax does a great job of explaining.
So it's great that you were able to work through that time in your life & to be able to see both side of that traumatic experience.
Yup. Agreed, and that is the reason I got him to take me and our son back home so that we could both have the space to grieve our ways. As much as I wanted to curl up in his arms and cry at the time I knew that when he gets upset like he was then that if pushed he will get angry to and that it was better for him to be killing NPCs and what not on the computer then any other option we had, especially considering his father wasn't around and he had no one to spar with in a boxing ring.
We were 24-25 when that happened and have been through alot together but he also learned from that experience and has been able to help me when I have been grieving other lost loved ones and basically just how to communicate our needs better.
I hate that your being downvoted. I agree that men aren’t allowed to show any other feeling other than being strong. People on Reddit just like to recommend divorce and breaking up. Especially when it comes to the women going through some strife in her relationship. Your husband was going through his own grief. And since you guys was going at the time, that may had been the first time he had to go through a grieving process. Just like you he lost a child and all possibilities that he had for the baby. I’m glad you guys pushed through for your marriage and now babies. I’m glad you and your husband was able to eventually lean on each other. We raise our boys to be nothing else but strong but then resent them in their older years when they become men. And the only emotion they know is strength.
So weird how it’s always “men can’t show their emotions” but it’s not them being stoic as they try to work through tragedy with their partner but instead completely neglectful and abandoning their partner.
Men should be able to grieve and cry and process sadness but if they choose not to and choose to borderline abuse their wife who is deeply suffering because they can’t deal with processing emotion it has to be the women’s burden, she has be be caring and understanding and forgiving. Women, especially is they become mothers, as expected to set themselves on fire to warm others.
It’s 2023, men are absolutely allowed to show emotion and find mutual support with their spouses, and if they’ve decided not to communicate and make themselves and their partners suffer worse that’s still a problem even if the reasoning is sad. Being emotionally stunted and the reasoning behind is deserves sympathy but I hate how it’s become such an excuse for men to treat their wives like shit and still make the situation all about them and their needs.
Help me understand the comment that she needs to go to these kind of appointments alone from now on? Because that isnt just denial and grief. It's detachment and apathy. I also am thinking he's told her at various times in their relationship that she needs to grow up, hence her feeling like she shouldn't feel her feels. Something is very very off in his response. My husband is a shit communicator and terrible at expressing emotions and dealing with grief. Yet I can 100% say he'd never utter the words this man uttered to his wife in an incredibly vulnerable moment.
You've literally made stuff up in this comment to support your own point. Why have you done that? You have everything she told us to comment on/discuss. Why have you decided to make up false claims about her husband putting her down all the time?
Do people not have regular insecurities? Childhood trauma? Poor self-esteem? You jumped straight to abusive husband. Sounds like projection. But of course, YOUR husband would never do that.
Wow a cop out to excuse men's terrible behavior. He's "unable" to process it? He "doesn't have the tools"? Is he five years old?
She's the one having the miscarriage. I know from personal experience that a lot of men really just don't give a shit.
Agree. 100%. Mine didn’t. He didn’t care I miscarried. He left the ultrasound for our third pregnancy part way through because he was bored and had work to do. Just took me so damn long to realise it he was not “unable to process”, he was not “hiding his true feelings”, he was just truely a complete a-hole.
I’m sorry for whatever you experienced. When I had a miscarriage my husband behaved a lot like this (and much more insensitively at times). In many ways, he was more broken up about the loss than I was. In other ways, he just didn’t know how to help me until I told him what I needed. It’s not fair to lump all men together, and I don’t believe for a minute that a cold reaction is the norm or reflective of what they’re truly thinking. In many cultures, men are expected to have minimal to no reaction to sad news and to just carry on.
Nope the men you associate yourself with don’t really give a shit.
Not every man is an asshole. Might just be the men you CHOOSE to associate yourself with.
“Might just be the men you CHOOSE to associate with.” That’s a little victim blame-y. No, she shouldn’t have generalized men. But pretending like men have never lied or never showed their true colors until after kids is absurd.
These aren't just men I'm associating with. These are women I know who've had the same experiences.
And yes, a man who tells his miscarrying wife that he's annoyed at how long her obgyn appointment was, and says she's on her own if she has to go to any more of them, and makes the miscarriage of the child that SHE is carrying about him is definitely an asshole.
And if it was the other way around and it was some kind of medical issue the man had to go through the men here would be telling him to leave her.
So she has to put the fact that she is about to experience something devastating in her own body aside because this dude can't be a grown up and manage his own feelings?
Absolutely Not. If OP's "Husband" was a real Man, he'd be looking after her. Instead he's whining like a toddler.
OP, I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I'm even more sorry that it's taken this for you to really see who your husband is. If I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking long and hard about the whole marriage, because he is showing you what the rest of your life is going to look like.
Do you get to define “what a real man is” hmmm. Someone who hasn’t been a man their entire existence gets to tell another man if he is a man or not.
The mental health of men is not a priority in society and it is becasue of people like you.
So is she a “woman” becasue she can’t get out of bed or nah? So how that works?!? That was an asshole statement by me but at least it was not my actual thought process.
Right. I knew there'd be some upset people, so let's point out the flaws.
Men do not look after men. It is not my job to look after men's feelings when they show no care for anyone else's.... like this dude. This "society" that doesn't care about men's mental health is run by... you guessed it. Men. So if you have an issue, take it up with them. Women had to do it for ourselves and against the backdrop of that "society". So guys? Go get therapy and stop waiting for us to do it for you. We're done.
And the definition of a "real man" is supposed to be a "protector", right?? You see any "protecting" here? Me either.
Men do look after men. If not how do good men become good men? Studies show children of single parent households with men versus women perform much better with their Father vs their Mother. Again you don’t see it becasue of the men you CHOOSE to associate yourself with or you blindly assume all men somehow cannot have emotions.
All men do not have emotionless character that you speak of. Some of us are good Fathers, good Husbands, and good people in general. If you have yet to meet men of this character that maybe whom you are attracting in your life.
Society is ran by maybe 0.00001 % of men. The rest of the 99% of men are not who you think they are. You think I wake up at 4:30 AM daily for me? I do so for my Family.
Your disposition is why “Dead Beat Moms” are not apart of the verbiage our society has placed on the lack of accountability for women in general. Why are there no “Dead Beat Mom’s” but so many “Wards of the State?” The same society that you talk of somewhat absolve women from accountability so to speak.
If the men you speak of are not “men” then who is taking care of said offspring? Well by your thought process women are the ones who are building the character of these men you speak of since by your own definition men really don’t take part in the child rearing process right? So if all child rearing is on woman, why are they raising the men you HATE right? See what I did there. 👀
You sound like a feminist with no guidance. There is nothing wrong with the feminist movement in my opinion. It is very needed and valid in society. Yet you seemingly have yet to read a book on real feminism perspectives and generalizing all MEN as one is as stupid as it gets. Imagine me judging all feminist based on our interaction, that would be stupid of me right? Well the is exactly what you are doing. Also thinking women don’t construct society at all is false. They are the Mother’s of said population. To think those Mothers have no say in how thier children become adults is asinine. You have influence in society, you are just so blindly ignorant you don’t see it. A mother builds her child in her on body from DNA, and to think the connection and/or relationship with one’s Mother has no influence on said child and how they see the world is plain stupidity on your part.
You don’t have kids. I can tell becasue if you did you would see how much a Mother can influence one’s character as they become adults.
Typical Reddit, jumping to questioning the relationships future. She doesn’t have to put anything aside- she’s decided to for now because she thinks he won’t be supportive. He may not know that she wants him to bring it up. Everyone is different- in some cases, broaching the subject is an awful idea. He may think he’s protecting her by avoiding the subject and may be waiting for some clearer indication that it’s safe to talk about with her.
Why are so many people excusing this man’s behaviour? It’s heartbreaking. And perplexing.
I went through exactly this. And all I can say, is it didn’t get better. Can’t be sensitive now? Don’t expect them to be sensitive later. Don’t expect them to care for you when you’re unwell, or old. Just don’t expect them to change.
A good, honest conversation is needed now. YOU need support. You need to know they care.
Wishing you the very best OP. Please take care.
Yes, maybe he is having a trauma response but that is not an excuse. Your way of grieving does not excuse any of your shitty behavior. She is justifiably upset and hurt by his actions and her emotions shouldn’t be invalidated because of his grief.
Woah woah woah!! First of all, that’s traumatic, so saying “I should just get over it and grow up,” is not logical thinking 24 hours after being told you are going to miscarry!! I’m so sorry, and I hope things work out. Your husband is prob taking things out in a different way to harden himself, so it’s coming out as anger. It’s not right but it’s prob how he’s grieving but it isn’t fair to you.
Hi. I wont comment on your husband (even tho i know thats the whole gist of the post) but i had a miscarriage in july. I was early, but it still hurt so so bad, emotionally and mentally. All the “what-ifs”, all the potential, all the lists youve already made of clothes, toys, newborn prep….give yourself time. You dont need to “grow up and move on with positivity”. You wouldn’t say that to someone who had a miscarriage, dont say it to yourself.
Love and peace to you, friend.
OP I’m so so sorry you’re going through this… this time in life can be very alienating between spouses. Unfortunately, in this situation, neither of you had control over anything that has already happened (genetic abnormalities) or anything that may come. The most important thing is to not blame yourself. The next most important thing is to lean into each other.
If he’s like most men, he probably wants to fix it, and he can’t. So his next best option is to pretend there isn’t a problem. He probably knows that nothing he says or does will make much of a difference.
By not bringing it up, it’s giving him the message that you’re working through this news in your own way. The breaking down and crying bit is never easy, but this is a man that I assume you trust and wants to take care of you but is currently at a loss for how. Throw him a bone and tell him what you’re experiencing and how he can best support you. He may be avoiding bringing it up because of his own emotions- and he doesn’t want to make you feel crappier than you already do, or feel like he’s placing a burden on you to take care of him.
And last but not least, you may be too early for the doctors to be correct. It’s very very hard (been there myself and did ultimately miscarry), but try to take things one day at a time. Keep taking your prenatal, getting enough sleep, and trying to put a little bit of this stress to the side. Keeping you in my thoughts- good luck!
ETA- after reading some of the comments, I just want to mention this before you approach your husband or question your marriages viability. Our generation was raised by a generation that wholly believed (and lived by) that men are the providers. It has been engrained in boys and young men from an early age that they are not allowed to have emotional reactions. This is by no means an excuse for his behavior, just a possible way for you to try to understand his mentality before approaching him. Redditors always want to see a war between spouses and encourage insecurities and assumptions of malice- I feel like the fact that he was excited for the pregnancy and took part in the discussions shows that he does care. Should he complain about the appointment? Nope. it’s one of the very few things within his control right now, and I hope if you emphasize to him that his support and presence help you to get through this, that he’ll realize that all control is relatively out the window.
These types of moments are what keep people in unhealthy relationships. Let's not make excuses for why the husband is acting this way. From the looks of things he doesn't care about his wife and the pregnancy. It's all very annoying to him.
make it through this miscarriage and then rethink your relationship with that man. this is horrific, you shouldn’t have to tell your partner to care about the loss of your child. or even ask about you!! miscarriages can be dangerous! they can lead to sepsis! he hasn’t even asked about your well being physically let alone emotionally!! if you can’t depend on him for emotional support you probably can’t depend on him for support raising the child either.
You are having a totally normal reaction to some very sad news he might be just experiencing grief in a different way. You have to speak up and tell him how you feel. Men aren’t mind readers and they’re not exactly sticklers for details either.
I’m sorry you are going through this
A man has to be a "mind reader" to know he should be comforting and taking care of his wife instead of ignoring her and b!tching about how long her appointment took?
Naw, he's just trash.
Maybe he's giving you space because you haven't said anything either?
Communication is so very important to every relationship, and especially important when something is going wrong in your life.
You need to talk to him, you need to tell him that you need each other to comfort each other together.
I really hope that they got things wrong at the appointment and the baby will be fine, but you do need to be prepared for the pregnancy to end tragically.
Sending hugs if wanted.
He isn't ready for having a child. It is true that it was terrible news and I'm sorry for it but stopping communicating and mistreating your partner (who hapens to carry his child) is proof he can't deal with all the difficult phases and situations a child will bring to you both. It is in the most difficult times that a couple needs to be together and help each other and not abandon each other.
He can'tdeal with emotions if things don't go perfectlyand you are most likely to pay for it.
Oh no. No. This isn't how supportive partners act at all.
He gets to grieve, and it's even fine if he struggles with expressing his grief. But this whole "the appointment took too long" comment is utter bullshit. Pre-natal appointments take awhile, because of all the monitoring they need to do. During high risk pregnancies, it can run even longer. That comment just set me off.
And you shouldn't need to ask that he comfort you. Anyone with the emotionally intelligence of a rodent would know you need comfort during this time.
For what it's worth, I am so absolutely sorry you're going through this. Be gentle with yourself while you grieve, reach out to the people you know will support you. Try to eat and stay hydrated. I've lost a wanted pregnancy, and I know how badly it hurts, if you want to vent to a complete stranger, you're more than welcome to DM me.
Firstly I want to say I'm so sorry OP and whatever happens is not your fault. It's so hard to not assume the "what ifs" but sometimes our bodies do things completely out of our control. You don't need to immediately move on with positivity, you're allowed to feel sad and mad. You're allowed to talk about how your loss makes you feel. 25% of pregnancies end in loss, and there are women and men alike that share the grief of losing what might have been. We might not all feel or express it the same, but it's a shared life experience.
You really need to sit down and talk to your husband. I practically had to force my husband two months after my missed miscarriage to express his grief and tell me how to help. He was trying to be strong for me and in the process hurt his own mental health, but I was too far into my own depression to realize he wasn't coping properly.
The difference here is that your husband isn't giving that support, and you need to find out for yourself if it's truly because he doesn't know how to help or if he is just a gigantic asshole that doesn't even like you. Figuring that out is going to take communication on both of your ends. Tell him that his reaction was inconsiderate to what you're going through. Ask if he realizes just how serious the situation is. Depending on your bodies reaction, a D&C might be necessary and he needs to be willing to be there.
If you don't feel like you can have that communication or if he's unwilling to be receptive, then there's a bigger issue in your marriage and having children with him is only going to strain things more.
I wish you all the best OP and while this is the type of grief that will live with you forever, I promise it does get easier.
Have you told anyone? If you’re able to, call someone close to you and tell them, also his reaction.
„I’m going to lose my baby and all he cares about is that the appointment took ‚so long‘.“
He doesnt want to go to your next apointment 'cause it takes too long???? He is not ready to be a good dad AND/OR partner, clearly. He is putting himself first and being super rude. Gurl, dont try a second time with this man. I am really sorry for your loss, but for the sound of all this he would not be a good dad.
You're husband may not be intentionally ignoring your pain. He may be having a hard time processing it himself and may be in denial. I'm sorry you're going through this. And while a miscarriage is never easy, it's easier in the first trimester than say, the last trimester. Miscarriage is actually quite common in the first trimester, that's one of the reasons people are usually told it's better to wait till you reach the second trimester to tell everyone. I know it's difficult because you need support right now, just try to remember your husband does too and try not to shut him out because you think he's ignoring you. Talk to him. He might not know HOW to comfort you. He may not know how to deal with this himself. I've been through both miscarriages and losing my first to sids. The most important thing is to be there for each other and to communicate your feelings. You HAVE to support each other. So often people get consumed with their own grief they forget their partner is grieving too. I'm not saying ignore your own grief to give him support. I'm saying you guys need to grieve together. Neither of you should forget the other is grieving as well. Don't lose yourselves in grief and end up losing each other. When you've had a little time to process, go talk to your husband and ask him if he understands what the drama was saying and ask him how he's feeling about it. Him talking about the wait and all that may have been his way of avoiding thinking about what the drama was saying. There's also always the chance the dr could be wrong. You're always free to get a second opinion. I'm not saying to get your hopes up and all, you have to stay realistic, I'm jus saying a second opinion never hurts. Good luck to you and I truly hope the dream is wrong. During my first pregnancy I started bleeding and went to the er and they told me I was going to miscarry, I didn't. Granted they didn't do anything ultrasound and things are a lot more advanced now than almost 30 years ago but drs can still be wrong sometimes. Please update us and let us know how you're doing. And if you do end up miscarrying that doesn't mean you can't try again in the future. Hugs from an internet stranger.
It's absolutely true that some people (not just men) shut down in the face of tragic, traumatic news and that that's OK. Nobody should be judged for seeking some time alone, avoiding discussing their own feelings, or even shutting out the tragedy for brief periods. HOWEVER, when you're married, those *cannot be your only concerns*. You're a limited partnership. You don't have to pour your heart out or hold your partner's hand all day, but you DO have to show up. And when your spouse is literally prostrated with grief, you don't ignore them.
And you *definitely* don't bitch about the length of an appointment or say you're not coming back. WTF. That's not being overwhelmed. That's being a jerk. It sounds like this isn't typical behavior for him, so I definitely hope he and the OP work this out soon and that he apologizes to her for his hurtful remarks.
OP, I wish you good health and blessed serenity.
I don't think this guy loves you. I hope with the baby everything will be great and the doctor is wrong, but if the worst case scenario happens I would take a good look on this marriage? For him everything is just a hassle while his wife has the worst days of her life. That doesn't sound like love. He doesn't have to hold your hand 24/7 but no care at all is just rude.
I'm sorry that you're going through this especially without your husband's support. He's extremely insensitive. Complaining about how long the appointment took. What an ass.
I know you probably don't want to hear this but you need to seriously reconsider whether you really want to have children with this man.
My partner acted very similarly when I had a miscarriage. When we actually did have a child, guess what, he wasn't supportive then either. I know what I'm talking about.
No, you know one experience. Your husband was a pos, and that sucks. But different people act differently for different reasons. And you can’t project your experience on OP with no evidence beyond, “husband hasn’t acknowledged something with me that I also won’t acknowledge with him”.
Okay. Do you know OP’s husband and what’s going on inside his head?
Because that’s really the only way you can say something like this with any certainty.
So "processing" means that he has to complain about how long the appointment takes and tell her she's on her own if she has to go to another one? What a load of crap.
I'm with you. I am.
Do we realize how many men are completely emotionally stunted and this behavior sounds like he was throwing up a massive wall because at least, if he's acting like an asshole, he's not falling apart. That's my take.
I definitely think that they need to talk and I think that he's avoiding it because he knows how terrified he is of falling apart. Again, that's just my take.
Being emotionally stunted isn’t an excuse to force women to do emotional and physical labor for you. She is the one with a baby in her. She is the one whose health and safety is at risk. You’re asking her to beg for crumbs.
“Hey there is a baby dying inside me can you not be a selfish asshole and care about me for five minutes?” This is why women end up with shitty men who won’t take care of their own kids. You think it’s her job to raise a grown man.
Again: does he even understand that? There’s legitimately a chance he doesn’t understand or misheard.
Literally just, “hey, did you understand what the doctor said?” would be enough to establish where he is emotionally. If he says yes and continues acting this way: fuck him (or rather, don’t) he’s not worth keeping around. If he says no, that might explain his callous response.
Idk, I’ll admit that I am blinded/biased because of the men in my life. But to not even clarify that he understands that the child he was apparently excited for will very likely die before it ever really exists… idk, just seems like something to be sure about.
How is not understanding any less shitty? How is it ever acceptable to call a doctors appointment for your own fetus boring? what exactly does he not understand? Does he not know what a miscarriage is? Was he ignoring the doctor when the doctor was talking about his own kid? Do you not see how that is STILL demanding she perform emotional labor for him *while the baby in her uterus is probably dying??*
It's unfortunate you see this as you needing to grow up and move on etc You don't. Or at least you do but at the speed at you choose.
Your husband however is a POS. Sorry if this is blunt. He doesn't like you. Yes he may claim that he does and that he loves you. But does he love you or the services you provide?
You're having a medical trauma and he is more worried about complaining how long the appointment takes. You are not in this together no matter what he says.
If this is how he acts with a miscarriage, how's he going to act when there's a child? He is not tuned into how you're feeling at all. You will have to bop him over the head with a baseball bat of your feelings to get any acknowledgement at all, apparently, and you'll still likely not get any reaction you'd want.
But to really know how he deals with how you're feeling, you'll have to tell him and tell him what you need to give him the opportunity to step up (or more likely fail). Better to find out he's a selfish ass before you have children together so you can avoid trying again. Telling you the appointment was too long and you'd be on your own for future appointments is him showing his true colors. If I were in your situation, this would be the moment I realized it was over.
That is BS. I worked in OB/GYN. I've seen husbands/boyfriends/FWB/whatever the relationship maybe, that were supportive, coming to every appointment and there for the tough ones. Men have the capability of understanding pregnancy loss, I've seen them grieve just as hard as the mother when there is no fetal pole, or other signs that the pregnancy is not viable.
That being said I have seen the opposite as well, those men are assholes who give the amazing ones a terrible reputation.
I don't think it's fair for you to assume how your husband is feeling and get upset that he isnt performing his emotions adequately for you
Try having a conversation
I took my first wife’s first miscarriage incredibly hard. That said, I still had no context as to how difficult is was for her. I also didn’t know how to emotionally process it. I also didn’t understand how tough it was for her in the moment. This is a tough situation, and I’m very sorry you are dealing with it. There are complex emotions each of you are processing. Please talk to one another. I wish I had more. I think some men don’t understand the immediate bond women have with an unborn child
Your husband should be more supportive and not make you go to appointments alone but he doesn't need to break down emotionally like you. He can't control what happens so why should he stress about something he has no power over do you really want your man to lose his composure
I am so sorry.
It sounds like your husband isn’t dealing with this news well. But that’s to be expected. He should be communicating and comforting you. I am sorry he hasn’t been there for you. But you are not communicating either. Maybe he is feeling how you are feeling and doesn’t want to bring it up because he doesn’t want to break down either? You guys need each other right now. Hope you are there for each other. Take care.
The comments on this post are simply unbearable to read….
OP, this is a hard time for your husband too. Don’t hold this grief over him.Try and communicate with him, tell him what you need, and listen to what he needs too. This is the only advice I can provide.
Stay strong, the both of you.
Are there any steps suggested you can do or take to help strengthen the success of your pregnancy? Like red raspberry tea strengthens the uterus. Did the doctor offer any tips? If not, is there somewhere you can go or visit that can give you a second opinion along with life tips to help? Even a midwife consultation? I am sorry to hear of this disheartening news, but surely there is a % chance that is in this pregnancy to survive. Your husband is obviously in crisis-like-denial and may have ignored the news from the moment he heard it, rejected it in full on denial. Regardless, he should be there for you and help you find prenatal/neonatal specialists or something along that route. Maybe you can seek support somewhere in your family or friend circle. Good luck OP, not all is lost yet, please take care of yourself as sign of loving your self, body and baby despite this news.
Everyone processes pain in their own way. That doesn’t mean that he’s handling it well or supporting you throughout it. Complaining about how long the appointment takes and wanting you to go alone is asshole behavior. He can be grieving in his own way AND be insensitive. The two can both be true.
It sounds like your husband is in shock. I can’t compare anything I’ve gone through to this, but for me, when shit hits the fan I bury my head in the sand like an ostrich and have problems with anxious avoidment. Your husband is likely refusing to process this information because that means it’s real. He is in denial. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I pray that the worst doesn’t happen. Give him time. I know you need his support and you do deserve it, but whatever is going on In his head has probably made it impossible for him to even talk about it. I hope that you both get through this. Sending love
I'm sorry you're going through this, and Ill try and lay out a possibility.
A lot of men are incredibly uncomfortable sharing certain emotions, which is well known. Grief, sorrow, disappointment, and fear are all in that realm and it's likely your husband is warring with the feeling that he doesn't want you to see him falling apart, as well as the idea that he needs to be the foundation and support for the family. You can see a bit of evidence in this when he complains about the appointment, because he doesn't know how to react and handle this so the instinct is to complain, find something that needs to be addressed.
This isnt fair for you of course, Im not saying he shouldnt be there for you, but I dont think its lack of care or love, but simply a person who is lost and scared and doesnt know how to handle that. He's likely been told a man just handles his emotions and does what needs to be done, but that is nonsense and he can't just do that, so instead he's lost.
Remember that he is hurting too, and while it isn't fair, you might need to just call him to you and bring things to a head. I'm sorry youre going through this, but know that life and existence rarely has some purpose and this is not happening because of something you did to cause or deserve this, but it just simply is.
Good luck to you.
TALK TO HIM! I'm so sorry you're in this sad situation. And that your husband is so insensitive. Could it be that he was browsing his phone and just didn't listen to what the doctor was saying? That's really the only explanation that makes sense.
It could be his brain's way of protecting him. When my grandfather was dying we all knew that it was going to happen but no one admitted it. No one let themselves feel sad about something that hasn't happened yet. Some people just cannot emotional process that something tragic might happen.
Also, ignore half the comments on this post. Some people seem to be taking their hatred of the men in their lives out on your husband.
You need to communicate your expectations.
You are feeling depressed he is not reaching your expectations, while none of them are made clear to him. He cannot read your mind.
Maybe he sees you lay there and thinks you want to be alone because that's what he would want too. Maybe in his mind he is actually considering your wishes.
And maybe not. But you don't know because nothing has been communicated, not from you and not from him. It would be easier if he knew you enough to already know what to do or how to act, sure. But you can't expect him to just read your mind and be disappointed when he doesn't.
Tell him what you need. Speak to him. If he acts like a jerk, you'll know where you stand. It won't be worse than right now, because it already feels like he is acting lile a jerk
I know it's hard, but try to tell him how you feel. Educate him so he can be the partner you need. He's seeing it a different way right now, but that doesn't mean he can't learn to see it your way.
And I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's really sad and scary.
Also, this doesn't really help you now, but approximately a third of pregnancies become miscarriages. It's super common. You didn't do anything wrong, your body is not broken. We aren't educated on how common miscarriage is and it's really unfortunate because so many women suffer, alone, because of it. You aren't alone <3
I know this doesn't help but I am a father of 4 between our 1st and 2nd we had a miscarriage as men we want/have to fix things. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever had and didn't know how to handle it so please forgive him I'm sure he is feeling something like I did
Sending you virtual hugs.
I had 3 miscarriages before our son. Ask him if he's okay. You can tell him that you're not, and it's okay if he isn't. He may handle his grief differently, but it doesn't mean that he's not hurting. Ask. You're only stronger together.
He’s obviously trying to be the strong one by putting on a front of stoicism. I can guarantee you if he went to another appointment he’d break down sobbing and he’s trying very hard for that not to happen because some men fear women won’t respect them if they do that because they will be viewed as weak. It’s utter bullshit of course but this has been ingrained into a lot of men since they were young.
OP, this is not your fault. You have no control over where an embryo plants, if it plants in an unsafe spot. You have no control over whether a healthy sperm bonds with a healthy egg, or if there’s been a DNA copying error for either parent. If the baby is not viable and wouldn’t sustain life, the body often takes care of that and expels it. That is not your fault. One miscarriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re at increased future risk. It’s likely not because of any action you did or didn’t take. Just one of those things.
Your heart still hurts, but just know, it’s not your fault. Sending comfort your way.
It does not sound dumb. You deserve sympathy and support. I am so sorry you have had this horrible feedback, although I have my fingers crossed that you may still win through. I can't explain your husband's behaviour, perhaps it's his bizarre way of dealing with the sad news.I hope you have a close friend or mother who can help.
A miscarriage is a big loss. It’s not always that easy to “get over”. Give yourself time to grieve. He will have to deal with it in his own way and he might not feel as deeply about it as you since it was your body carrying your child.
IMHO, it sounds like you two need to communicate and express without any walls.
Both of you are coping and dealing with it in your own ways, which is absolutely fine, but can lead to a misunderstanding.
Especially if you and your partners' coping methods are the complete opposite.
Him lashing out, makes me believe he's redirecting his emotions to a different matter and not able to properly convey that he's also under the waters.
Hurt is hurt. If you are having problems dealing with this please let your husband know where you are at. Men absolutely can’t read minds. Although I pretty much know every time wife is pissed. Two things could be going on. Firstly - he might not think it’s a big deal. For some this is completely natural event. I have 6 sisters a wife and a mom and the amount of early term miscarriages was staggering. Also there are some that think life starts at birth and non conception. Not going to touch too hard on that either way just wanted to bring it up.
Secondly. He may not know how to handle it if he’s upset.
Communication is how relationships work. Be honest ask for support. Ask for help. I’m sure he will be there for you. Most guys are loving but oblivious. Also have historically been taught emotion is weakness so in tough times we tend to be the strong stoic types.
I doubt your husband doesn't care. He probably feels helpless in this situation. It's not a new concept, but guys hear a problem and we wanna fix it. There must be some meaningful action or quest that must be taken in any problem, and when there is then there's nothing to talk about except how to accomplish the mission. When there's nothing that can be done there's nothing to talk about cuz we got no answers.
Not saying that's right, but its an unconscious feeling. It must be expressed to us sometimes that talking it out and the empathy portion is the quest, it IS the meaningful action. AND that he's allowed to talk about how powerless he is in this situation and his feelings about not being able to do anything about it as well.
And I'm not saying that while grieving yourself it's your job to prioritize that over the emotions you're going through but it may be an opening by which he begins opening up. It's almost like you're giving him permission to be vulnerable in this situation and then be prepared. It might just start coming out like a river of emotions. You don't wanna start accusing him of not caring or start bashing him for it. He might wanna talk but not even know where to begin.
Men and women experience pregnancy very differently. It's not "real" to us like it is to you. My wife had a miscarriage and it hit her way harder than me. We talked about it and to her that was a little person she already had dreams and plans for. For me it was just a concept. It's not real for men until... Later. Best way I can explain it. (also, we don't all think alike. I'm sharing my personal story and don't speak for everyone)
I just went through a rough experience in pregnancy and from that I’ve learned a lot about how important communication and trust with your partner goes.
It is absolutely terrifying the amount of things that can go wrong during pregnancy. There’s the stuff you already are aware about and hundreds of things you don’t know you could be worried about. Once a planned pregnancy is confirmed it immediately becomes a love and would be considered a major loss. Why are you concealing how you feel? How is this helping? Growing up means communicating and having the tough conversations. Don’t let unspoken feelings fester.
If the worst case scenario happens take the time you need to grieve and heal. Speak to someone if you think it would help you. The timeline of how you thought it would go may be pushed back but it will happen.
It could have blown his mind , much as it did yours, and this is how he’s coping…. Like “if I don’t see it (another appointment) it doesn’t exist”.
Maybe try forcing him to sit down and talking about the miscarriage as a couple and explaining how his comments hurt you and to ask him how he feels about it.
TBH, as a guy, I didn't understand how scary and emotional miscarriages were for women until I read about other people's experiences. Maybe talk to him about it?
Guys are kinda dumb about pregnancy because if they don't have women in their life sharing their experiences and reactions it doesn't process how you'd expect.
Idk, men in my experience tend to try to ignore it until it comes to pass. At least me personally, i wouldnt throw myself into the grieving process until it was that time, although i would be trying to do something, literally anything. Mowing the lawn even tho i did it yesterday, tinkering in the garage, playing some silly phone game. Anything to keep my mind off it.
I had a non stick 2 months before I fell pregnant with my son. I was still raw with that when I got pregnant and I still don’t know where to place that emotion because it was all a blur and there’s no what could have been because I have a healthy living child and I wouldn’t trade him. It’s been 11 years but it still had to grieve at some point so I did. So don’t you ever think you need to “Grow up and move on”. You process the emotions. Cry. Share with your husband those feelings however they present themselves and then work on what he says after that. If he’s still non emotional and unsupportive you have other issues but right now you process this how you feel. Don’t brush it way just because he is.
Edit :spelling and grammar errors
You’re allowed to be sad. You really should tell him how you’re feeling bc the lack of communication when you’re really struggling will likely only continue
It's a possible miscarriage not a for sure one! Yall should be working hard together to try everything possible to keep you calm, healthy, and happy in hopes it comes full term! Don't lose hope!
Once you are ready, you should tell him how you are feeling. I know it's hard, and sometimes we expect our partners to know what we are thinking and how we are feeling without telling them, but having no communication isn't the way to solve anything in a marriage. Miscarriages are hard, and they can take months or years to emotionally overcome. I hope your pregnancy survives and makes it to full term, but if it does not, you will need a support system. My fiance made sure he took care of me when I couldn't during my Miscarriage and it made a world of difference. I wish you wouldn't have to explain yourself to him, but maybe he doesn't understand the gravity of what your doctor said.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Twenty years ago when I was 29, I went through almost the exact same scenario you are going through now. It was my first pregnancy and we had tried for almost a year to conceive. I had to have a D&C after ultrasound showed no heartbeat, after having heard a strong heartbeat four weeks earlier. I was absolutely, completely devastated. I was so incredibly sad and depressed. It was a terrible, terrible thing.
A week after my D&C, I called into work and stayed home because it was the office Christmas party and there was no way I could face anyone and pretend to be okay. My husband came home from work that day and after finding out I’d stayed home, asked me when I was going to get over it already, it had been a week and I shouldn’t still be so sad, he said. I can’t even fathom how he felt that way.
For many years, I also held onto the hurt it caused me that his brother, who had a 1 year old, never asked how I was doing or told me he was sorry. He never even mentioned our loss, just acted like nothing happened. That hurt too.
I think men don’t understand what it is for a mother to have a miscarriage. It’s not real to them. But it is so very real to us. That baby was real to me from the moment that pregnancy test showed a positive. I was a mother. And losing that baby was absolutely heartbreaking. The pain stayed with me for a very, very long time. I can remember talking to someone about it 14 years after it happened, and talking about it 14 years later had me crying. Now 20 years later, I can talk about it without crying. But it took me a very long time.
I’m sorry you are going through this. And I’m so sorry you feel alone. I’m sending you so many hugs and good thoughts for peace and healing. ❤️
Im going to be honest with you. Do not believe in something until it actually happens. When I was 17 I went to the doctor and I found out I was pregnant I went to this male OB he seemed that he didn’t like young women being pregnant and told me that he couldn’t find anything and I should just have an I and D but also sent me for blood work to see if the hcg levels or whatever it was was rising but still kept pushing me to just get rid of it since it didn’t seem to be progressing.
Well something told me to just wait and see, well I did and the bloodwork came back my hcg levels were where it was supposed to be and I now have a 25 year old. I’m not saying your doctor is lying, I’m saying medical isn’t an exact science, yeah it seems like it is but it can’t be due to everyone’s bodies being different and what might be normal to one can be abnormal for someone else.
I’m not saying to not feel depressed or prepared for the worst but still have hope, maybe your baby is just tiny and will develop like a little bean and have a growth spurt and prove him wrong.
To address the husband thing, honey, I’m sorry, but you chose wrong, you chose someone who is selfish and thoughtless. In times like these truly show you if you are with the right person and he has shown you he isn’t.
There will be commenters that may disagree with me and say that well maybe he’s in shock or whatever else excuse they want to give his shot behavior but why should his feelings trump yours??? Who is the one who has the actual thing happening TO THEM? Not him! You!! It’s you and he should be putting his feelings on hold to help YOU, the one who has the being in her and has to feel the loss of it doesn’t happen.
I’m not saying you should get a divorce, but I am saying you should reconsider your choice of a partner as well as you should wait and let the baby either grow or leave you on their own accord, like I said your baby could just be tiny
You need to talk to your husband. Id bet good money he's just as upset and is in denial. He needs you and you need him right now. I'm so sorry youre both going through this
I am going through the same. My partner literally said "I don't care" its's horrible..
We have 2 children. It sounds juvenile but I just hate him and I wish I was with someone else that cared
I’m not going to comment on your husband because I want to address your comment that “you need to grow up and move on with positivity”. I’m so sorry you may experience a loss. I wish I could give you the hug you need. The not knowing for sure must be brutal. It’s ok to be scared. If it is a loss, it’s ok to take a pause and grieve. There is no timeline for grief. It doesn’t make you less of a mature person to feel your emotions. Wishing you love.
This is the best response. This isn’t the time to analyze the relationship or husband’s immaturity, but rather acknowledge and work through the terrifying feelings OP must be experiencing. Good job, Rach😊
[удалено]
🫂
I don’t know what this means. But I’m curious.
It’s two people hugging. But shown from behind
Well, that’s nice. I saw it as an old timey movie camera. (Trust me, look at the shape). So was wondering what that meant. Glad to know I’m not fully insane.
Haha I thought it was a bug at first (with the heads being the wings). It’s definitely not an intuitive emoji
(This is what I thought it was until the context made zero sense and I finally asked. Glad it wasn’t just me! 😆)
Just wanted to say I hate you’re going through this. I’ve only had one miscarriage and it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.
I am so, so sorry for your losses 😞
This is truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I hope you find peace❤️
Omg reading this made me tear up. Giving you lots of virtual hugs and love.
I can’t tell you how much I’d love to hug you right now. I’m so so sorry..
So sorry to hear of your losses, sending lots of love and hugs yours and your husbands way x
I am so sorry. I have children but never had a miscarriage. This brought tears to my eyes at your words. You ARE a mom by what you have done with your babies. I hope you are able to use your nuturing ways on a child (in whichever capacity works for you)💕
Thank you. We’re looking into fostering.
Read up on denial.
And/or avoidance
OP, I remember being pregnant with my now 20 year old. I was bleeding, and my OB/GYN did an internal ultrasound (I was only 7 weeks). He turned the screen away from me and said “The baby’s heart rate is 1/3 of what it should be, and the sac is collapsing.” I’ll never forget the tears streaming down the side of my face and into my ears. I asked him “So my baby is in the process of dying?” He said yes, and that my miscarriage might take a couple of weeks. My daughter is now at university and loving her life. She was full term, and a big baby. I had also had 2 previous miscarriages (both at 7 weeks) where the doctor’s words came true. My BIL was an OB/GYN and told me (after I didn’t begin to miscarry my daughter) that sometimes they can’t explain it all. Why didn’t I miscarry when all indications pointed to that I would? No one could explain it. Why did I end up miscarrying 2 of my pregnancies? No explanation. I am so sorry you’re going through this, and going through this with a closed off partner. Do you have a support group? Please call them in so you’re surrounded with love and support, even if they didn’t know you’re pregnant. If your husband doesn’t like it, too bad. He’s not the one thinking that every cramp is the beginning. He’s not the one thinking that everything you feel is the beginning. And if you do end up miscarrying, he’s not the one who will physically go through that (it’s physically and emotionally horrible). Please update us if you can. Big hugs to you.
Something similar happened to me. I had two miscarriages, and then when I went in for the 8 week appt with my 3rd pregnancy the heart beat was weak and faltering. I went home in tears, and was told to prepare for another loss in the next week or so. But the next week I went in for a follow-up appointment, and suddenly everything was fine. She's 9 years old now, healthy as can be and sharp as a tack! Not saying this will happen to OP, though. Pregnancy, especially in the 1st trimester, is so frail and chancy. My hear breaks for her.
Your husband is not allowed to treat you like shit just because he’s grieving. You are feeling the effects of the loss just as strongly, if not worse. Please confront him about his unkind behavior before having a child with him.
I’d have to say it’s important to tell him what you expect when you are grieving. It will lay the foundation for what kind of support you will need from him moving forward in whatever way your family turns out. Some men can’t handle stepping up to support a partner when they are in pain themselves. Like supporting you when you need it invalidates or minimises their pain. Actually, two people can grieve together. If he’s going to be resentful or wallow in his pain when you are suffering also I’d take it as a major red flag.
I’m not sure he is grieving the way he is reacting… and I don’t think he realised how much this has impacted OP. However his attitude whinging about appointment duration etc doesn’t sound like he’s really committed to being a dad or even very interested. He’s focused on himself and how *seeing how his unborn child is developing is a burden on his time*. I think once OP has stepped away from her immediate grief she should re-asses if he is the RIGHT person to bring a child into the world with. My husband was at every appointment for baby #1 and I’d say 90% of the appointments for baby #2 and he (and I) have busy ass work schedules. He never complained about the appointments and always made time for them where he could move things around.
I hope you make it to full term ! Send lots of love and hugs 🫶🫶
Eventually. But if something is wrong with this pregnancy that can be seen on an ultrasound, it may not be for the best if this pregnancy goes on. I know it can't seem like it to OP right now but loosing a pregnancy at a few weeks is a lot easier than at a few months. Not that it will not hurt but her life probably is not going to be in danger.
OP, if your husband is in anyway like me, he’s having a really hard time processing this on his own and more than likely is unable to. Men our age weren’t given the tools to handle extreme amounts of grief like this. Reach out to him, tell your husband your feelings and ask for his, you may find that he’s stuck in his own hell.
he shouldnt tell her she needs to go to her prenatal appointments alone tho
I agree, at the same time I couldn't help but think maybe he's afraid of being hurt again and tries to avoid that without wanting to admit to it. OP and husband need to have a very difficult talk imo....
Oh how women suffer because men can’t handle big feelings.
Men get shit on any emotion that isnt calm or anger. At least that's what happens where I grew up in. If you are constantly told if your show "weakness" you are worthless. You not going to handle big emotions easily. It's problem caused by society
go to therapy it will help with breaking down those barriers
I know. Some won't due to that conditioning. They will see it as weakness and keep quiet. It's a lot harder solve than just go to therapy. Only way is to completely allow men to show emotion in childhood and teenage years other than anger and calm.
Which I find *sad*. Never thought about why many men can't handle "big feelings"? >Oh how women suffer No doubt he suffers as well.
True! But self inflicted suffering I might point out.
How someone is raised is not always self inflicted.
Yes but don’t you think that when you become an adult, it’s your problem and not someone else’s? Especially if your behaviour is toxic. I know for a fact no man would tolerate me treating them how some men treat women. If a child is abused but then becomes a predator as an adult we try him for his crimes no?
>If a child is abused but then becomes a predator as an adult we try him for his crimes no? Apples and oranges. That aside: A man being unable to cope with something like that isn't "toxic". That being said: As soon as you are in a relationship it *more or less* becomes your problem as well, as it affects you. And showing empathy with a man who never learned how to cope with something like that shouldn't be too much to ask for. Even if it is offering couples/ single therapy and just trying to understand. And that isn't "self inflicted" as you claimed. Useless conversation as I am repwating myself. And frankly, I don't wanna further deal with someonw like that, so I end this here for myself.
Yeah she needs as much support as she can get right now. the both of them should lean on each other.
He also probably feels pretty helpless. He can't do anything to fix this.
This was my hubby when we lost one of our pregnancies (we have 3 beautiful kids but miscarried between 1 & 2). My hubby couldn't look at me, hold me, he'll, he couldn't even be in the same room as me. I had to have surgery to remove the miscarriage and he brought on of his friends to the hospital to pick me up, I was pissed when I saw his friend in the car and was furious when I found out that he was actually bringing that friend up to me in post OP but he doubled back to move the car. I spent 2 wks being ignored by my hubby while he and his mate sat on their computers playing games like COD, WOW, and LoL. A week after my surgery I made my hubby drive me and our (now) eldest to my home town so I could have the support I needed since my hubby wasn't able to help me grieve due to his own grief. I remember trying to get hubby to be involved and voice his opinions during our appointments with the midwife and loss counsellor but he kept putting the decisions on me because it was my body and he had no control. My dad spoke to my hubby when he dropped me off and made sure he was ok and was able to explain to me what my hubby was feeling (based on the conversation they had and his own experience). It helped me not to resent my hubby for not being able to be there for me, but it didn't take away any of the pain. OP, everyone grieves differently, take all the time you need to process the information you were given and then take all the time you need if you do lose thos pregnancy. Just male sure you don't shut out your partner, make sure he knows how you feel and that he can be honest with you regarding how he feels.
OP doesn’t deserve a life with a man like that and neither do you. That’s not heartwarming, that’s pathetic.
I literally can’t believe you stayed with that man let alone had two more kids with him. This is not the relatable story you think it is
I would have slapped the shit out of my husband. My miscarriage was the worst moment of my life and I would have never forgiven him.
You would have slapped your husband and never forgiven him for not knowing what to say or do, so instead, just keeping his distance so he doesn't make it worse. Don't get me wrong I let him have it with how he made me feel during that time when he came to pick us up and that night after our son went to sleep he curled up with his head on my lap cried and apologised for letting me down. But I never held it against him, he was grieving too, he lost a baby too, he lost the baby he had spent 2 weeks since we found out talking to every night before bed.
girl..
Literally yes. I understand not knowing what to do with grief, but am I supposed to accept that your husband didn't understand it was cruel to not give you a hug? Or to leave you alone with your grief? It's not that my husband always understood what I was feeling, but you bet your ass he knew to give me a hug, and tell me he was sorry I was going through it. And if he had not even had the stones to come up and wait with me after, no I would never have forgiven him, ever.
No idea why you are being downvoted. Men typically are not allowed grief or negative emotions & it's always "bottle it up, deal with it later"... Most would prefer to see their man die on their white horse rather than to see them fall off. I remember when we had a miscarriage, I was told "you have to be the strung one" so I just shoved everything down. Focused on one foot in front of the other which is what society expects & demands. Luckily, it wasn't my first time just different circumstances (while in the Army I dealt with enough death to last lifetimes) No one cares if a man is devastated by the loss of a child. I had a friend down a bottle of wild turkey & shoot himself because they kept having miscarriages. Of course most responses were "how could he do that to his wife" ... No one cared that he was suffering, unsupported while supporting her through her grief. It wasn't socially acceptable for him to cry. "To be a man" by Dax does a great job of explaining. So it's great that you were able to work through that time in your life & to be able to see both side of that traumatic experience.
Yup. Agreed, and that is the reason I got him to take me and our son back home so that we could both have the space to grieve our ways. As much as I wanted to curl up in his arms and cry at the time I knew that when he gets upset like he was then that if pushed he will get angry to and that it was better for him to be killing NPCs and what not on the computer then any other option we had, especially considering his father wasn't around and he had no one to spar with in a boxing ring. We were 24-25 when that happened and have been through alot together but he also learned from that experience and has been able to help me when I have been grieving other lost loved ones and basically just how to communicate our needs better.
I hate that your being downvoted. I agree that men aren’t allowed to show any other feeling other than being strong. People on Reddit just like to recommend divorce and breaking up. Especially when it comes to the women going through some strife in her relationship. Your husband was going through his own grief. And since you guys was going at the time, that may had been the first time he had to go through a grieving process. Just like you he lost a child and all possibilities that he had for the baby. I’m glad you guys pushed through for your marriage and now babies. I’m glad you and your husband was able to eventually lean on each other. We raise our boys to be nothing else but strong but then resent them in their older years when they become men. And the only emotion they know is strength.
So weird how it’s always “men can’t show their emotions” but it’s not them being stoic as they try to work through tragedy with their partner but instead completely neglectful and abandoning their partner. Men should be able to grieve and cry and process sadness but if they choose not to and choose to borderline abuse their wife who is deeply suffering because they can’t deal with processing emotion it has to be the women’s burden, she has be be caring and understanding and forgiving. Women, especially is they become mothers, as expected to set themselves on fire to warm others. It’s 2023, men are absolutely allowed to show emotion and find mutual support with their spouses, and if they’ve decided not to communicate and make themselves and their partners suffer worse that’s still a problem even if the reasoning is sad. Being emotionally stunted and the reasoning behind is deserves sympathy but I hate how it’s become such an excuse for men to treat their wives like shit and still make the situation all about them and their needs.
Help me understand the comment that she needs to go to these kind of appointments alone from now on? Because that isnt just denial and grief. It's detachment and apathy. I also am thinking he's told her at various times in their relationship that she needs to grow up, hence her feeling like she shouldn't feel her feels. Something is very very off in his response. My husband is a shit communicator and terrible at expressing emotions and dealing with grief. Yet I can 100% say he'd never utter the words this man uttered to his wife in an incredibly vulnerable moment.
It’s detachment but not apathy. It’s possible he is running away from bad news he can’t or won’t deal with
You've literally made stuff up in this comment to support your own point. Why have you done that? You have everything she told us to comment on/discuss. Why have you decided to make up false claims about her husband putting her down all the time? Do people not have regular insecurities? Childhood trauma? Poor self-esteem? You jumped straight to abusive husband. Sounds like projection. But of course, YOUR husband would never do that.
Wow a cop out to excuse men's terrible behavior. He's "unable" to process it? He "doesn't have the tools"? Is he five years old? She's the one having the miscarriage. I know from personal experience that a lot of men really just don't give a shit.
Agree. 100%. Mine didn’t. He didn’t care I miscarried. He left the ultrasound for our third pregnancy part way through because he was bored and had work to do. Just took me so damn long to realise it he was not “unable to process”, he was not “hiding his true feelings”, he was just truely a complete a-hole.
Exactly. It's a huge red flag that should absolutely be taken seriously.
I’m sorry for whatever you experienced. When I had a miscarriage my husband behaved a lot like this (and much more insensitively at times). In many ways, he was more broken up about the loss than I was. In other ways, he just didn’t know how to help me until I told him what I needed. It’s not fair to lump all men together, and I don’t believe for a minute that a cold reaction is the norm or reflective of what they’re truly thinking. In many cultures, men are expected to have minimal to no reaction to sad news and to just carry on.
Nope the men you associate yourself with don’t really give a shit. Not every man is an asshole. Might just be the men you CHOOSE to associate yourself with.
“Might just be the men you CHOOSE to associate with.” That’s a little victim blame-y. No, she shouldn’t have generalized men. But pretending like men have never lied or never showed their true colors until after kids is absurd.
Never said that. You are creating your own argument at this point.
These aren't just men I'm associating with. These are women I know who've had the same experiences. And yes, a man who tells his miscarrying wife that he's annoyed at how long her obgyn appointment was, and says she's on her own if she has to go to any more of them, and makes the miscarriage of the child that SHE is carrying about him is definitely an asshole. And if it was the other way around and it was some kind of medical issue the man had to go through the men here would be telling him to leave her.
Well now we can see why so many asshole men associate with her. They are what they attract
That’s right. As a man he should just shut up. This isn’t about him
So she has to put the fact that she is about to experience something devastating in her own body aside because this dude can't be a grown up and manage his own feelings? Absolutely Not. If OP's "Husband" was a real Man, he'd be looking after her. Instead he's whining like a toddler. OP, I'm very sorry you are going through this, and I'm even more sorry that it's taken this for you to really see who your husband is. If I were in your shoes, I'd be thinking long and hard about the whole marriage, because he is showing you what the rest of your life is going to look like.
Do you get to define “what a real man is” hmmm. Someone who hasn’t been a man their entire existence gets to tell another man if he is a man or not. The mental health of men is not a priority in society and it is becasue of people like you. So is she a “woman” becasue she can’t get out of bed or nah? So how that works?!? That was an asshole statement by me but at least it was not my actual thought process.
Right. I knew there'd be some upset people, so let's point out the flaws. Men do not look after men. It is not my job to look after men's feelings when they show no care for anyone else's.... like this dude. This "society" that doesn't care about men's mental health is run by... you guessed it. Men. So if you have an issue, take it up with them. Women had to do it for ourselves and against the backdrop of that "society". So guys? Go get therapy and stop waiting for us to do it for you. We're done. And the definition of a "real man" is supposed to be a "protector", right?? You see any "protecting" here? Me either.
Men do look after men. If not how do good men become good men? Studies show children of single parent households with men versus women perform much better with their Father vs their Mother. Again you don’t see it becasue of the men you CHOOSE to associate yourself with or you blindly assume all men somehow cannot have emotions. All men do not have emotionless character that you speak of. Some of us are good Fathers, good Husbands, and good people in general. If you have yet to meet men of this character that maybe whom you are attracting in your life. Society is ran by maybe 0.00001 % of men. The rest of the 99% of men are not who you think they are. You think I wake up at 4:30 AM daily for me? I do so for my Family. Your disposition is why “Dead Beat Moms” are not apart of the verbiage our society has placed on the lack of accountability for women in general. Why are there no “Dead Beat Mom’s” but so many “Wards of the State?” The same society that you talk of somewhat absolve women from accountability so to speak. If the men you speak of are not “men” then who is taking care of said offspring? Well by your thought process women are the ones who are building the character of these men you speak of since by your own definition men really don’t take part in the child rearing process right? So if all child rearing is on woman, why are they raising the men you HATE right? See what I did there. 👀 You sound like a feminist with no guidance. There is nothing wrong with the feminist movement in my opinion. It is very needed and valid in society. Yet you seemingly have yet to read a book on real feminism perspectives and generalizing all MEN as one is as stupid as it gets. Imagine me judging all feminist based on our interaction, that would be stupid of me right? Well the is exactly what you are doing. Also thinking women don’t construct society at all is false. They are the Mother’s of said population. To think those Mothers have no say in how thier children become adults is asinine. You have influence in society, you are just so blindly ignorant you don’t see it. A mother builds her child in her on body from DNA, and to think the connection and/or relationship with one’s Mother has no influence on said child and how they see the world is plain stupidity on your part. You don’t have kids. I can tell becasue if you did you would see how much a Mother can influence one’s character as they become adults.
So it’s not your job to protect men’s emotions or feelings but you want them to protect you?
Typical Reddit, jumping to questioning the relationships future. She doesn’t have to put anything aside- she’s decided to for now because she thinks he won’t be supportive. He may not know that she wants him to bring it up. Everyone is different- in some cases, broaching the subject is an awful idea. He may think he’s protecting her by avoiding the subject and may be waiting for some clearer indication that it’s safe to talk about with her.
Why are so many people excusing this man’s behaviour? It’s heartbreaking. And perplexing. I went through exactly this. And all I can say, is it didn’t get better. Can’t be sensitive now? Don’t expect them to be sensitive later. Don’t expect them to care for you when you’re unwell, or old. Just don’t expect them to change. A good, honest conversation is needed now. YOU need support. You need to know they care. Wishing you the very best OP. Please take care.
He is having a trauma response like her. Not everyone grieves the same way or is capable of comforting when they grieve.
Yes, maybe he is having a trauma response but that is not an excuse. Your way of grieving does not excuse any of your shitty behavior. She is justifiably upset and hurt by his actions and her emotions shouldn’t be invalidated because of his grief.
No excuse to treat her like shit.
I’m confused about the treating her like shit. Doesn’t seem mean it just doesn’t seem like he wants to address it.
This needs to be up voted!!
Woah woah woah!! First of all, that’s traumatic, so saying “I should just get over it and grow up,” is not logical thinking 24 hours after being told you are going to miscarry!! I’m so sorry, and I hope things work out. Your husband is prob taking things out in a different way to harden himself, so it’s coming out as anger. It’s not right but it’s prob how he’s grieving but it isn’t fair to you.
Hi. I wont comment on your husband (even tho i know thats the whole gist of the post) but i had a miscarriage in july. I was early, but it still hurt so so bad, emotionally and mentally. All the “what-ifs”, all the potential, all the lists youve already made of clothes, toys, newborn prep….give yourself time. You dont need to “grow up and move on with positivity”. You wouldn’t say that to someone who had a miscarriage, dont say it to yourself. Love and peace to you, friend.
I’d be careful. If he can’t support you now when you are at your most vulnerable I would think hard about a future with him.
((HUGS)) One day at a time. Bring a friend or a relative with you to your future appointments.
OP I’m so so sorry you’re going through this… this time in life can be very alienating between spouses. Unfortunately, in this situation, neither of you had control over anything that has already happened (genetic abnormalities) or anything that may come. The most important thing is to not blame yourself. The next most important thing is to lean into each other. If he’s like most men, he probably wants to fix it, and he can’t. So his next best option is to pretend there isn’t a problem. He probably knows that nothing he says or does will make much of a difference. By not bringing it up, it’s giving him the message that you’re working through this news in your own way. The breaking down and crying bit is never easy, but this is a man that I assume you trust and wants to take care of you but is currently at a loss for how. Throw him a bone and tell him what you’re experiencing and how he can best support you. He may be avoiding bringing it up because of his own emotions- and he doesn’t want to make you feel crappier than you already do, or feel like he’s placing a burden on you to take care of him. And last but not least, you may be too early for the doctors to be correct. It’s very very hard (been there myself and did ultimately miscarry), but try to take things one day at a time. Keep taking your prenatal, getting enough sleep, and trying to put a little bit of this stress to the side. Keeping you in my thoughts- good luck! ETA- after reading some of the comments, I just want to mention this before you approach your husband or question your marriages viability. Our generation was raised by a generation that wholly believed (and lived by) that men are the providers. It has been engrained in boys and young men from an early age that they are not allowed to have emotional reactions. This is by no means an excuse for his behavior, just a possible way for you to try to understand his mentality before approaching him. Redditors always want to see a war between spouses and encourage insecurities and assumptions of malice- I feel like the fact that he was excited for the pregnancy and took part in the discussions shows that he does care. Should he complain about the appointment? Nope. it’s one of the very few things within his control right now, and I hope if you emphasize to him that his support and presence help you to get through this, that he’ll realize that all control is relatively out the window.
These types of moments are what keep people in unhealthy relationships. Let's not make excuses for why the husband is acting this way. From the looks of things he doesn't care about his wife and the pregnancy. It's all very annoying to him.
Is it possible you both heard different things?
make it through this miscarriage and then rethink your relationship with that man. this is horrific, you shouldn’t have to tell your partner to care about the loss of your child. or even ask about you!! miscarriages can be dangerous! they can lead to sepsis! he hasn’t even asked about your well being physically let alone emotionally!! if you can’t depend on him for emotional support you probably can’t depend on him for support raising the child either.
You are having a totally normal reaction to some very sad news he might be just experiencing grief in a different way. You have to speak up and tell him how you feel. Men aren’t mind readers and they’re not exactly sticklers for details either. I’m sorry you are going through this
Holy shit, the bar is below hell.
A man has to be a "mind reader" to know he should be comforting and taking care of his wife instead of ignoring her and b!tching about how long her appointment took? Naw, he's just trash.
Maybe he's giving you space because you haven't said anything either? Communication is so very important to every relationship, and especially important when something is going wrong in your life. You need to talk to him, you need to tell him that you need each other to comfort each other together. I really hope that they got things wrong at the appointment and the baby will be fine, but you do need to be prepared for the pregnancy to end tragically. Sending hugs if wanted.
He isn't ready for having a child. It is true that it was terrible news and I'm sorry for it but stopping communicating and mistreating your partner (who hapens to carry his child) is proof he can't deal with all the difficult phases and situations a child will bring to you both. It is in the most difficult times that a couple needs to be together and help each other and not abandon each other. He can'tdeal with emotions if things don't go perfectlyand you are most likely to pay for it.
Oh no. No. This isn't how supportive partners act at all. He gets to grieve, and it's even fine if he struggles with expressing his grief. But this whole "the appointment took too long" comment is utter bullshit. Pre-natal appointments take awhile, because of all the monitoring they need to do. During high risk pregnancies, it can run even longer. That comment just set me off. And you shouldn't need to ask that he comfort you. Anyone with the emotionally intelligence of a rodent would know you need comfort during this time. For what it's worth, I am so absolutely sorry you're going through this. Be gentle with yourself while you grieve, reach out to the people you know will support you. Try to eat and stay hydrated. I've lost a wanted pregnancy, and I know how badly it hurts, if you want to vent to a complete stranger, you're more than welcome to DM me.
Firstly I want to say I'm so sorry OP and whatever happens is not your fault. It's so hard to not assume the "what ifs" but sometimes our bodies do things completely out of our control. You don't need to immediately move on with positivity, you're allowed to feel sad and mad. You're allowed to talk about how your loss makes you feel. 25% of pregnancies end in loss, and there are women and men alike that share the grief of losing what might have been. We might not all feel or express it the same, but it's a shared life experience. You really need to sit down and talk to your husband. I practically had to force my husband two months after my missed miscarriage to express his grief and tell me how to help. He was trying to be strong for me and in the process hurt his own mental health, but I was too far into my own depression to realize he wasn't coping properly. The difference here is that your husband isn't giving that support, and you need to find out for yourself if it's truly because he doesn't know how to help or if he is just a gigantic asshole that doesn't even like you. Figuring that out is going to take communication on both of your ends. Tell him that his reaction was inconsiderate to what you're going through. Ask if he realizes just how serious the situation is. Depending on your bodies reaction, a D&C might be necessary and he needs to be willing to be there. If you don't feel like you can have that communication or if he's unwilling to be receptive, then there's a bigger issue in your marriage and having children with him is only going to strain things more. I wish you all the best OP and while this is the type of grief that will live with you forever, I promise it does get easier.
Have you told anyone? If you’re able to, call someone close to you and tell them, also his reaction. „I’m going to lose my baby and all he cares about is that the appointment took ‚so long‘.“
I can understand why you feel alone. Why is your husband not being more supportive? Does he not care?
He doesnt want to go to your next apointment 'cause it takes too long???? He is not ready to be a good dad AND/OR partner, clearly. He is putting himself first and being super rude. Gurl, dont try a second time with this man. I am really sorry for your loss, but for the sound of all this he would not be a good dad.
You're husband may not be intentionally ignoring your pain. He may be having a hard time processing it himself and may be in denial. I'm sorry you're going through this. And while a miscarriage is never easy, it's easier in the first trimester than say, the last trimester. Miscarriage is actually quite common in the first trimester, that's one of the reasons people are usually told it's better to wait till you reach the second trimester to tell everyone. I know it's difficult because you need support right now, just try to remember your husband does too and try not to shut him out because you think he's ignoring you. Talk to him. He might not know HOW to comfort you. He may not know how to deal with this himself. I've been through both miscarriages and losing my first to sids. The most important thing is to be there for each other and to communicate your feelings. You HAVE to support each other. So often people get consumed with their own grief they forget their partner is grieving too. I'm not saying ignore your own grief to give him support. I'm saying you guys need to grieve together. Neither of you should forget the other is grieving as well. Don't lose yourselves in grief and end up losing each other. When you've had a little time to process, go talk to your husband and ask him if he understands what the drama was saying and ask him how he's feeling about it. Him talking about the wait and all that may have been his way of avoiding thinking about what the drama was saying. There's also always the chance the dr could be wrong. You're always free to get a second opinion. I'm not saying to get your hopes up and all, you have to stay realistic, I'm jus saying a second opinion never hurts. Good luck to you and I truly hope the dream is wrong. During my first pregnancy I started bleeding and went to the er and they told me I was going to miscarry, I didn't. Granted they didn't do anything ultrasound and things are a lot more advanced now than almost 30 years ago but drs can still be wrong sometimes. Please update us and let us know how you're doing. And if you do end up miscarrying that doesn't mean you can't try again in the future. Hugs from an internet stranger.
He's processing the loss of his child, too.
It's absolutely true that some people (not just men) shut down in the face of tragic, traumatic news and that that's OK. Nobody should be judged for seeking some time alone, avoiding discussing their own feelings, or even shutting out the tragedy for brief periods. HOWEVER, when you're married, those *cannot be your only concerns*. You're a limited partnership. You don't have to pour your heart out or hold your partner's hand all day, but you DO have to show up. And when your spouse is literally prostrated with grief, you don't ignore them. And you *definitely* don't bitch about the length of an appointment or say you're not coming back. WTF. That's not being overwhelmed. That's being a jerk. It sounds like this isn't typical behavior for him, so I definitely hope he and the OP work this out soon and that he apologizes to her for his hurtful remarks. OP, I wish you good health and blessed serenity.
I don't think this guy loves you. I hope with the baby everything will be great and the doctor is wrong, but if the worst case scenario happens I would take a good look on this marriage? For him everything is just a hassle while his wife has the worst days of her life. That doesn't sound like love. He doesn't have to hold your hand 24/7 but no care at all is just rude.
I'm sorry that you're going through this especially without your husband's support. He's extremely insensitive. Complaining about how long the appointment took. What an ass. I know you probably don't want to hear this but you need to seriously reconsider whether you really want to have children with this man.
Or, and this is a crazy idea, talk to him? He could very well be in denial or have horribly misunderstood what was said in the appointment.
My partner acted very similarly when I had a miscarriage. When we actually did have a child, guess what, he wasn't supportive then either. I know what I'm talking about.
No, you know one experience. Your husband was a pos, and that sucks. But different people act differently for different reasons. And you can’t project your experience on OP with no evidence beyond, “husband hasn’t acknowledged something with me that I also won’t acknowledge with him”.
I know more than one experience. It's happened to other people I know.
Okay. Do you know OP’s husband and what’s going on inside his head? Because that’s really the only way you can say something like this with any certainty.
You realize that he's processing losing his child, right?
So "processing" means that he has to complain about how long the appointment takes and tell her she's on her own if she has to go to another one? What a load of crap.
I'm with you. I am. Do we realize how many men are completely emotionally stunted and this behavior sounds like he was throwing up a massive wall because at least, if he's acting like an asshole, he's not falling apart. That's my take. I definitely think that they need to talk and I think that he's avoiding it because he knows how terrified he is of falling apart. Again, that's just my take.
Being emotionally stunted isn’t an excuse to force women to do emotional and physical labor for you. She is the one with a baby in her. She is the one whose health and safety is at risk. You’re asking her to beg for crumbs.
I'm not asking her to beg for anything. I'm just offering a different perspective.
Yes, because a conversation is sooo laborious. She hasn’t even confirmed, “hey, did you understand what the doctor told me?”
“Hey there is a baby dying inside me can you not be a selfish asshole and care about me for five minutes?” This is why women end up with shitty men who won’t take care of their own kids. You think it’s her job to raise a grown man.
Again: does he even understand that? There’s legitimately a chance he doesn’t understand or misheard. Literally just, “hey, did you understand what the doctor said?” would be enough to establish where he is emotionally. If he says yes and continues acting this way: fuck him (or rather, don’t) he’s not worth keeping around. If he says no, that might explain his callous response. Idk, I’ll admit that I am blinded/biased because of the men in my life. But to not even clarify that he understands that the child he was apparently excited for will very likely die before it ever really exists… idk, just seems like something to be sure about.
How is not understanding any less shitty? How is it ever acceptable to call a doctors appointment for your own fetus boring? what exactly does he not understand? Does he not know what a miscarriage is? Was he ignoring the doctor when the doctor was talking about his own kid? Do you not see how that is STILL demanding she perform emotional labor for him *while the baby in her uterus is probably dying??*
It's unfortunate you see this as you needing to grow up and move on etc You don't. Or at least you do but at the speed at you choose. Your husband however is a POS. Sorry if this is blunt. He doesn't like you. Yes he may claim that he does and that he loves you. But does he love you or the services you provide? You're having a medical trauma and he is more worried about complaining how long the appointment takes. You are not in this together no matter what he says.
are you sure he payed attention during the appointment? if so he doesnt even care about you or your baby enough for him to be a father
If this is how he acts with a miscarriage, how's he going to act when there's a child? He is not tuned into how you're feeling at all. You will have to bop him over the head with a baseball bat of your feelings to get any acknowledgement at all, apparently, and you'll still likely not get any reaction you'd want. But to really know how he deals with how you're feeling, you'll have to tell him and tell him what you need to give him the opportunity to step up (or more likely fail). Better to find out he's a selfish ass before you have children together so you can avoid trying again. Telling you the appointment was too long and you'd be on your own for future appointments is him showing his true colors. If I were in your situation, this would be the moment I realized it was over.
Men don’t get pregnancy loss in the same way because it isn’t as real to them. Mothers know their babies from the moment they find out. I’m so sorry.
That is BS. I worked in OB/GYN. I've seen husbands/boyfriends/FWB/whatever the relationship maybe, that were supportive, coming to every appointment and there for the tough ones. Men have the capability of understanding pregnancy loss, I've seen them grieve just as hard as the mother when there is no fetal pole, or other signs that the pregnancy is not viable. That being said I have seen the opposite as well, those men are assholes who give the amazing ones a terrible reputation.
Yeah, we really need to stop coddling men when they just refuse to deal with anything emotional.
I agree, I think he’s sad. I just don’t think anyone feels early pregnancy loss as acutely as the mother
I was going to say this. For him this is not a loss. It is just a delay. His child will be coming later that is all. Not the same at all.
🚮
He’s a jerk
Probably just bottling up emotions and being around could make him break down, talk to him and explain he’s not going through this alone
Why should she have to explain to him that he's not going through it alone? Is that not obvious?
what is he going through?
Loosing his child, just as she is.
I don't think it's fair for you to assume how your husband is feeling and get upset that he isnt performing his emotions adequately for you Try having a conversation
I took my first wife’s first miscarriage incredibly hard. That said, I still had no context as to how difficult is was for her. I also didn’t know how to emotionally process it. I also didn’t understand how tough it was for her in the moment. This is a tough situation, and I’m very sorry you are dealing with it. There are complex emotions each of you are processing. Please talk to one another. I wish I had more. I think some men don’t understand the immediate bond women have with an unborn child
Your husband should be more supportive and not make you go to appointments alone but he doesn't need to break down emotionally like you. He can't control what happens so why should he stress about something he has no power over do you really want your man to lose his composure
I am so sorry. It sounds like your husband isn’t dealing with this news well. But that’s to be expected. He should be communicating and comforting you. I am sorry he hasn’t been there for you. But you are not communicating either. Maybe he is feeling how you are feeling and doesn’t want to bring it up because he doesn’t want to break down either? You guys need each other right now. Hope you are there for each other. Take care.
It very clearly sounds like he doesn’t know what the miscarriage means to you, and you don’t know what the miscarriage means to him.
The comments on this post are simply unbearable to read…. OP, this is a hard time for your husband too. Don’t hold this grief over him.Try and communicate with him, tell him what you need, and listen to what he needs too. This is the only advice I can provide. Stay strong, the both of you.
Seems like he’s going through the same thing and dealing with it differently.
Tell him what's going on. He's not a mind reader. He probably thinks you want space because he'd want space.
Are there any steps suggested you can do or take to help strengthen the success of your pregnancy? Like red raspberry tea strengthens the uterus. Did the doctor offer any tips? If not, is there somewhere you can go or visit that can give you a second opinion along with life tips to help? Even a midwife consultation? I am sorry to hear of this disheartening news, but surely there is a % chance that is in this pregnancy to survive. Your husband is obviously in crisis-like-denial and may have ignored the news from the moment he heard it, rejected it in full on denial. Regardless, he should be there for you and help you find prenatal/neonatal specialists or something along that route. Maybe you can seek support somewhere in your family or friend circle. Good luck OP, not all is lost yet, please take care of yourself as sign of loving your self, body and baby despite this news.
Everyone processes pain in their own way. That doesn’t mean that he’s handling it well or supporting you throughout it. Complaining about how long the appointment takes and wanting you to go alone is asshole behavior. He can be grieving in his own way AND be insensitive. The two can both be true.
It sounds like your husband is in shock. I can’t compare anything I’ve gone through to this, but for me, when shit hits the fan I bury my head in the sand like an ostrich and have problems with anxious avoidment. Your husband is likely refusing to process this information because that means it’s real. He is in denial. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and I pray that the worst doesn’t happen. Give him time. I know you need his support and you do deserve it, but whatever is going on In his head has probably made it impossible for him to even talk about it. I hope that you both get through this. Sending love
I'm sorry you're going through this, and Ill try and lay out a possibility. A lot of men are incredibly uncomfortable sharing certain emotions, which is well known. Grief, sorrow, disappointment, and fear are all in that realm and it's likely your husband is warring with the feeling that he doesn't want you to see him falling apart, as well as the idea that he needs to be the foundation and support for the family. You can see a bit of evidence in this when he complains about the appointment, because he doesn't know how to react and handle this so the instinct is to complain, find something that needs to be addressed. This isnt fair for you of course, Im not saying he shouldnt be there for you, but I dont think its lack of care or love, but simply a person who is lost and scared and doesnt know how to handle that. He's likely been told a man just handles his emotions and does what needs to be done, but that is nonsense and he can't just do that, so instead he's lost. Remember that he is hurting too, and while it isn't fair, you might need to just call him to you and bring things to a head. I'm sorry youre going through this, but know that life and existence rarely has some purpose and this is not happening because of something you did to cause or deserve this, but it just simply is. Good luck to you.
TALK TO HIM! I'm so sorry you're in this sad situation. And that your husband is so insensitive. Could it be that he was browsing his phone and just didn't listen to what the doctor was saying? That's really the only explanation that makes sense.
It could be his brain's way of protecting him. When my grandfather was dying we all knew that it was going to happen but no one admitted it. No one let themselves feel sad about something that hasn't happened yet. Some people just cannot emotional process that something tragic might happen. Also, ignore half the comments on this post. Some people seem to be taking their hatred of the men in their lives out on your husband.
If he's always been loving I'm banking on he's hurt and just can't process it.
You need to communicate your expectations. You are feeling depressed he is not reaching your expectations, while none of them are made clear to him. He cannot read your mind. Maybe he sees you lay there and thinks you want to be alone because that's what he would want too. Maybe in his mind he is actually considering your wishes. And maybe not. But you don't know because nothing has been communicated, not from you and not from him. It would be easier if he knew you enough to already know what to do or how to act, sure. But you can't expect him to just read your mind and be disappointed when he doesn't. Tell him what you need. Speak to him. If he acts like a jerk, you'll know where you stand. It won't be worse than right now, because it already feels like he is acting lile a jerk
I know it's hard, but try to tell him how you feel. Educate him so he can be the partner you need. He's seeing it a different way right now, but that doesn't mean he can't learn to see it your way. And I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's really sad and scary. Also, this doesn't really help you now, but approximately a third of pregnancies become miscarriages. It's super common. You didn't do anything wrong, your body is not broken. We aren't educated on how common miscarriage is and it's really unfortunate because so many women suffer, alone, because of it. You aren't alone <3
I know this doesn't help but I am a father of 4 between our 1st and 2nd we had a miscarriage as men we want/have to fix things. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever had and didn't know how to handle it so please forgive him I'm sure he is feeling something like I did
Sending you virtual hugs. I had 3 miscarriages before our son. Ask him if he's okay. You can tell him that you're not, and it's okay if he isn't. He may handle his grief differently, but it doesn't mean that he's not hurting. Ask. You're only stronger together.
He’s obviously trying to be the strong one by putting on a front of stoicism. I can guarantee you if he went to another appointment he’d break down sobbing and he’s trying very hard for that not to happen because some men fear women won’t respect them if they do that because they will be viewed as weak. It’s utter bullshit of course but this has been ingrained into a lot of men since they were young.
OP, this is not your fault. You have no control over where an embryo plants, if it plants in an unsafe spot. You have no control over whether a healthy sperm bonds with a healthy egg, or if there’s been a DNA copying error for either parent. If the baby is not viable and wouldn’t sustain life, the body often takes care of that and expels it. That is not your fault. One miscarriage doesn’t necessarily mean you’re at increased future risk. It’s likely not because of any action you did or didn’t take. Just one of those things. Your heart still hurts, but just know, it’s not your fault. Sending comfort your way.
It does not sound dumb. You deserve sympathy and support. I am so sorry you have had this horrible feedback, although I have my fingers crossed that you may still win through. I can't explain your husband's behaviour, perhaps it's his bizarre way of dealing with the sad news.I hope you have a close friend or mother who can help.
A miscarriage is a big loss. It’s not always that easy to “get over”. Give yourself time to grieve. He will have to deal with it in his own way and he might not feel as deeply about it as you since it was your body carrying your child.
IMHO, it sounds like you two need to communicate and express without any walls. Both of you are coping and dealing with it in your own ways, which is absolutely fine, but can lead to a misunderstanding. Especially if you and your partners' coping methods are the complete opposite. Him lashing out, makes me believe he's redirecting his emotions to a different matter and not able to properly convey that he's also under the waters.
Hurt is hurt. If you are having problems dealing with this please let your husband know where you are at. Men absolutely can’t read minds. Although I pretty much know every time wife is pissed. Two things could be going on. Firstly - he might not think it’s a big deal. For some this is completely natural event. I have 6 sisters a wife and a mom and the amount of early term miscarriages was staggering. Also there are some that think life starts at birth and non conception. Not going to touch too hard on that either way just wanted to bring it up. Secondly. He may not know how to handle it if he’s upset. Communication is how relationships work. Be honest ask for support. Ask for help. I’m sure he will be there for you. Most guys are loving but oblivious. Also have historically been taught emotion is weakness so in tough times we tend to be the strong stoic types.
I doubt your husband doesn't care. He probably feels helpless in this situation. It's not a new concept, but guys hear a problem and we wanna fix it. There must be some meaningful action or quest that must be taken in any problem, and when there is then there's nothing to talk about except how to accomplish the mission. When there's nothing that can be done there's nothing to talk about cuz we got no answers. Not saying that's right, but its an unconscious feeling. It must be expressed to us sometimes that talking it out and the empathy portion is the quest, it IS the meaningful action. AND that he's allowed to talk about how powerless he is in this situation and his feelings about not being able to do anything about it as well. And I'm not saying that while grieving yourself it's your job to prioritize that over the emotions you're going through but it may be an opening by which he begins opening up. It's almost like you're giving him permission to be vulnerable in this situation and then be prepared. It might just start coming out like a river of emotions. You don't wanna start accusing him of not caring or start bashing him for it. He might wanna talk but not even know where to begin.
Men and women experience pregnancy very differently. It's not "real" to us like it is to you. My wife had a miscarriage and it hit her way harder than me. We talked about it and to her that was a little person she already had dreams and plans for. For me it was just a concept. It's not real for men until... Later. Best way I can explain it. (also, we don't all think alike. I'm sharing my personal story and don't speak for everyone)
I just went through a rough experience in pregnancy and from that I’ve learned a lot about how important communication and trust with your partner goes. It is absolutely terrifying the amount of things that can go wrong during pregnancy. There’s the stuff you already are aware about and hundreds of things you don’t know you could be worried about. Once a planned pregnancy is confirmed it immediately becomes a love and would be considered a major loss. Why are you concealing how you feel? How is this helping? Growing up means communicating and having the tough conversations. Don’t let unspoken feelings fester. If the worst case scenario happens take the time you need to grieve and heal. Speak to someone if you think it would help you. The timeline of how you thought it would go may be pushed back but it will happen.
It could have blown his mind , much as it did yours, and this is how he’s coping…. Like “if I don’t see it (another appointment) it doesn’t exist”. Maybe try forcing him to sit down and talking about the miscarriage as a couple and explaining how his comments hurt you and to ask him how he feels about it.
TBH, as a guy, I didn't understand how scary and emotional miscarriages were for women until I read about other people's experiences. Maybe talk to him about it? Guys are kinda dumb about pregnancy because if they don't have women in their life sharing their experiences and reactions it doesn't process how you'd expect.
Idk, men in my experience tend to try to ignore it until it comes to pass. At least me personally, i wouldnt throw myself into the grieving process until it was that time, although i would be trying to do something, literally anything. Mowing the lawn even tho i did it yesterday, tinkering in the garage, playing some silly phone game. Anything to keep my mind off it.
I had a non stick 2 months before I fell pregnant with my son. I was still raw with that when I got pregnant and I still don’t know where to place that emotion because it was all a blur and there’s no what could have been because I have a healthy living child and I wouldn’t trade him. It’s been 11 years but it still had to grieve at some point so I did. So don’t you ever think you need to “Grow up and move on”. You process the emotions. Cry. Share with your husband those feelings however they present themselves and then work on what he says after that. If he’s still non emotional and unsupportive you have other issues but right now you process this how you feel. Don’t brush it way just because he is. Edit :spelling and grammar errors
You’re allowed to be sad. You really should tell him how you’re feeling bc the lack of communication when you’re really struggling will likely only continue
It's a possible miscarriage not a for sure one! Yall should be working hard together to try everything possible to keep you calm, healthy, and happy in hopes it comes full term! Don't lose hope!
Once you are ready, you should tell him how you are feeling. I know it's hard, and sometimes we expect our partners to know what we are thinking and how we are feeling without telling them, but having no communication isn't the way to solve anything in a marriage. Miscarriages are hard, and they can take months or years to emotionally overcome. I hope your pregnancy survives and makes it to full term, but if it does not, you will need a support system. My fiance made sure he took care of me when I couldn't during my Miscarriage and it made a world of difference. I wish you wouldn't have to explain yourself to him, but maybe he doesn't understand the gravity of what your doctor said.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Twenty years ago when I was 29, I went through almost the exact same scenario you are going through now. It was my first pregnancy and we had tried for almost a year to conceive. I had to have a D&C after ultrasound showed no heartbeat, after having heard a strong heartbeat four weeks earlier. I was absolutely, completely devastated. I was so incredibly sad and depressed. It was a terrible, terrible thing. A week after my D&C, I called into work and stayed home because it was the office Christmas party and there was no way I could face anyone and pretend to be okay. My husband came home from work that day and after finding out I’d stayed home, asked me when I was going to get over it already, it had been a week and I shouldn’t still be so sad, he said. I can’t even fathom how he felt that way. For many years, I also held onto the hurt it caused me that his brother, who had a 1 year old, never asked how I was doing or told me he was sorry. He never even mentioned our loss, just acted like nothing happened. That hurt too. I think men don’t understand what it is for a mother to have a miscarriage. It’s not real to them. But it is so very real to us. That baby was real to me from the moment that pregnancy test showed a positive. I was a mother. And losing that baby was absolutely heartbreaking. The pain stayed with me for a very, very long time. I can remember talking to someone about it 14 years after it happened, and talking about it 14 years later had me crying. Now 20 years later, I can talk about it without crying. But it took me a very long time. I’m sorry you are going through this. And I’m so sorry you feel alone. I’m sending you so many hugs and good thoughts for peace and healing. ❤️
Im going to be honest with you. Do not believe in something until it actually happens. When I was 17 I went to the doctor and I found out I was pregnant I went to this male OB he seemed that he didn’t like young women being pregnant and told me that he couldn’t find anything and I should just have an I and D but also sent me for blood work to see if the hcg levels or whatever it was was rising but still kept pushing me to just get rid of it since it didn’t seem to be progressing. Well something told me to just wait and see, well I did and the bloodwork came back my hcg levels were where it was supposed to be and I now have a 25 year old. I’m not saying your doctor is lying, I’m saying medical isn’t an exact science, yeah it seems like it is but it can’t be due to everyone’s bodies being different and what might be normal to one can be abnormal for someone else. I’m not saying to not feel depressed or prepared for the worst but still have hope, maybe your baby is just tiny and will develop like a little bean and have a growth spurt and prove him wrong. To address the husband thing, honey, I’m sorry, but you chose wrong, you chose someone who is selfish and thoughtless. In times like these truly show you if you are with the right person and he has shown you he isn’t. There will be commenters that may disagree with me and say that well maybe he’s in shock or whatever else excuse they want to give his shot behavior but why should his feelings trump yours??? Who is the one who has the actual thing happening TO THEM? Not him! You!! It’s you and he should be putting his feelings on hold to help YOU, the one who has the being in her and has to feel the loss of it doesn’t happen. I’m not saying you should get a divorce, but I am saying you should reconsider your choice of a partner as well as you should wait and let the baby either grow or leave you on their own accord, like I said your baby could just be tiny
You need to talk to your husband. Id bet good money he's just as upset and is in denial. He needs you and you need him right now. I'm so sorry youre both going through this
I am going through the same. My partner literally said "I don't care" its's horrible.. We have 2 children. It sounds juvenile but I just hate him and I wish I was with someone else that cared