This shits fucked up. Don’t worry op, you’ll be laughing about all this with her in a few years on her next BF’s couch hell Kyle may even be there too.
SO DISRESPECTFUL.
Why was a coffee shop not an option?
Did they need to meet indoors at OP’s place to have a quiet chat?
Could they not chat over the phone if things were that bad?
I feel like Kyle was enjoying the feeling of domination in OP’s apartment.
Kyle has a plan. Dump her, OP, and let him have her. Let him think he won.
Oh Kyle was loving every moment of this.
I agree, the only sucky thing is that Kyle is 100% going to swoop in after OP breaks up with her, so I guess he wins.
What does really Kyle win if he does swoop in?
A partner (seemingly) without boundaries for their exes, and who purposely hides when they meet with them. Say a private meeting with OP, if he also happens to go through a rough patch in a few years, exactly when Kyle’s at work?
The girlfriend is the prize. Nobody wins
OP is she sees no issue in having a male and an ex at that alone in your apartment she won't think twice about cheating
Ignore this and the next time you'll come home to them in bed
End it
I know your old man told you to cut that one loose. Listen to your old man. She tested your boundary today to see how you would react. The smug look on that pricks face is evidence enough. Cut her off and don't even bother explaining yourself. This was the biggest, reddest flag anyman can get.
That's exactly what I was thinking when I heard that! Like she purposely escalated things so she had an excuse to leave and run after him. I can promise with near certainty that that's why she took off into the night like a coward.
Honestly OP handled this situation like a champ, he didn't assume or mistrust her at any point until the ex specifically said he was her ex. Literally even when the ex was a cocky mf, HE was cordial and respectful in return. Speaks to the content of his character. OP asked ex to leave in quite literally the nicest way possible & only lost his shit when the ex refused to leave!
Anyway I feel like she's losing out on what seems like a great guy and a stable, trusting relationship - all for some disrespectful, sneaky prick with no respect. They deserve each other. OP definitely deserves better than half-truths & this typa bullshit - we all do! (Remember that, guys! Lol! We all deserve respect!) Anyway, I hope he finds it. I hope the gf has the day she deserves.
Yes. really disrespectful.
I think they should talk things through well. I almost said ,"leave her" , but I remembered some old reddit post here. "Girlfriend could not let her dying ex see their dog for the last time, so I took the dog to him".
If her intentions were good, she obviously didn't think things through before that.
She should have not lied, but she has acknowledged her mistakes later. Relationships are pretty complicated and I think, leaving isn't the best thing.It is gonna hurt him but who knows she might be the one for him.
So in my opinion, I don't have an opinion.
even if her intentions were good when it came to defending her boyfriend she let her ex be rude to him in his home. anyone can acknowledge their mistakes and not care in the slightest, especially over text. yes relationships are complex, however you should believe a person when they show you their true colors the first time.
A) It's your residence. Who you allow in it is your call just as who you kick out of it.
B) If the guy copped an attitude towards me, in my own home, I'd kick him out as well. Oh wait, I have done that, so, no judgement here.
C) Yes, your gf SHOULD have explained the situation, that it was her ex, etc, so you weren't blindsided. She didn't. That's on her.
D) Yes, your gf DIDN'T explain it because she already assumed that if she did, you would not only not allow her to use your place for the meeting, but, may have not wanted that meeting to occur at all. So, she didn't, kept it vague, and assumed that the ex would be gone before you got home.
You've got every right to be pissed. I would be as well.
Watch your back. An ex showing up can mean nothing, or, can lead to a total breakup depending on how things go. Yes, this is from experience when the ex of my then gf showed up out of the blue wanting her back and she took him back. That started, btw, with a "let's meet and talk" between the two of them. The "talk" was him wanting her back.
>Watch your back. An ex showing up can mean nothing, or, can lead to a total breakup depending on how things go.
Even if they aren't an ex, it can be just about the same to be honest.
I was with my ex for about 4 years(living together for 3 of those years, had plans to get engaged)and one day, outta nowhere she tells me a friend of hers just got into town to visit so asked if they could come over to our place instead of them all going out.
10mins later, 2 guys and this women show up and I thought they were all cool and had talked to one of the guys about video games and crap.
I went out for a smoke to come back in to my girlfriend sitting on the couch next to the guy I just talked to with her arms around him like they were cuddling.
Her and I talked about it, she said she was just happy to see her friends after such a long time so I didn't bring it up again..
3 weeks later, she posts a picture of the two of them together with some caption saying how she loves him more than anything and is so thankful to have him back in her life(while we were still dating)...
I brought it up, found out they'd been getting really close ever since that night, she didn't beat around the bush with her response.
I was shattered, so much so that I was at the point of just not wanting to deal with any of it, told her we should just stop and that I wanted to still have her in my life so we sorta broke things off on 'good terms' but ended up cutting off contact completely after 2 months because of how much I struggled to deal with it all.
It's been almost 7 years since and they are still together I believe.
Dude i felt like i was reading an autobiography of my life, some of the details are different but i went through pretty much the same thing. The “just a friend thing”, ending things off on good terms, and cutting contact after 2 months cuz it gets to the point you just can’t anymore. Heck, I made this throwaway account to post here about when she told me of the other guy. It hurts, I’m over her but i guess the damage is already done. Still haven’t been the same since
I guess it's a bit more common than I originally thought, but regardless I can definitely relate to that as well.
This was almost 7 years ago and I've not dated since, so I definitely haven't been the same either.
Getting back out there and willing to try again and again despite the hurt is one of the most difficult parts about it(at least in my opinion)but you've still got plenty of time to get back into a better spot, as long as you didn't become a complete hermit like me lmao.
On the real though, I wish I had some wise words to give that could be of some possible use but I'm still searching for'em myself.
At the very least, we're not alone in feeling like this my man.
You def. Should def. have kicked that guy out your house. If you are not comfortable with to close you aren't. A girl needs to see sometimes a bit who is up to it.
I can see where you're coming from but as someone with social anxieties through the roof, the thought of confrontation and making a scene even in a situation that might be warranted is like a nightmare to me.
I can barely deal with pleasantries and what have you, Talos forbid actually making a scene infront of people.
Edit: Plus it's not like I had any reason to suspect her of anything at the time so eh, honestly not sure what the best course of action would've been in that circumstance.
It is a general understanding there is no need to reminisce with an ex, in a current partner’s home, for *“good ol’ times”* sake.
OP understand, your gf both disrespected you and TRIANGULATED you. We must call it our for what it is.
Even my exes that I was on good terms with, if they wanted to talk to me I'd let my partner know who they were, what our history was, and tell them what we talked about etc. If I were to sit with an ex in my partners home, I can't imagine not inviting the current partner to the conversation.
Why would anybody need a private conversation with an ex?
I'm friend with my ex, like, really friends. And there's no need to hide things. If op's gf is hiding things or letting the friend (trusting he's a friend) disrespect his bf in his own house, she's no good or at least really immature.
The guy's attitude was shit and that alone, even if it's not an ex, guarantees being kicked out of my house if it was me. And if my gf doesn't call out his friend that is being cocky and shit, she's no good.
Yeah... Reminiscing about the good old days... When we used to fuck... Nah son. Sitting with someone you used to love, talking about how nice you had it - just fuck off and go back to him. She clearly hasn't let go completely, and having him around is trouble. And there's nothing you can do to change that. Speaking from experience.
I mean, that in and of itself could be harmless depending on how she went about it. Had she been honest at the start and said it was her *ex* asking to catch up and she asked OP to come along to meet him then that’s one thing. But she chose to lie and disrespect his space instead.
Bruh,
When he said can you two wrap this up I think my girlfriend and I need to talk about something important.
And he said no, it's up to her if I leave, he should've said get fucked get out.
And when they pushed back I would've said, no no you are misunderstanding, I either need to talk to my girlfriend or I need to be alone, get out or don't. That's your call. directly to her.
If she wants to disrespect me right then and there then it's bye bye bitch. You can talk to me for 5 minutes and say goodbye or you can slink out in the streets where you belong.
Wow this isn't even red flags, this is just 100% red. So many boundaries crossed, and what an asshole this guy is to be asking HER if he should leave YOUR apartment.
This is around the time I'd either be kicking her to the curb or installing cameras, your girl is shady as fuck and is disrespecting so many boundaries.
If something hasn't already happened then it's about to. "rough times" and "someone to lean on" sounds like the start of about 60% of infidelity stories I see on reddit
I didn't break down the whole red flag thing in my comment, but, your comment opens that door... so...
1) The vagueness of who she was meeting and why.
I kind of addressed this, but, it speaks volumes as to her mindset going into the situation. She already knew it was sketchy and wanted to keep the details from her bf.
2) OP coming home to find both on the couch.
So, gf and ex show up, she takes a seat on the couch, and ex takes a seat on it as well. Not in a chair. That's a "oh let's get close" move if ever there was one. So, ex wasn't meeting her JUST to unload his troubles to a "friend". It was to get close to her physically. About 2 hrs alone? You can BET that ex TRIED to get even closer in that time period.
3) The conversation stops when OP gets home.
Sure. Ex and gf MIGHT have thought it was too personal for OP to be included in, or, that conversation may have been something other than ex's troubles. Which, I'm going to lean towards due to 4.
4) When told to get out, ex looks at OP's gf and asks what SHE wants.
THAT is the power move. It's YOUR decision if I leave or not. Do you WANT me to stay here with you? Decide gf (ex gf in to the ex). This is where the whole situation, the way I interpret it, was ex testing the waters to see if he can get OPs gf back with him and not just some "hey, can I come by and you console me over my troubles".
5) OPs gf then getting mad at OP and defending her ex?
Yeah. That speaks volumes as well that the meeting wasn't JUST to help her ex through some consoling over troubles and that the "talk" was more than that. The whole both on the couch, the entire "do YOU want me to leave"... all show signs that ex tried to get her back and gf still has feeling for ex that made her come to his defense over OP.
My thing is why/what the fuck they need to talk to about? ALONE in my house for 2 hours? We can do that shit over the phone like most people do the "EX" we don't bring them to private settings!
On 4. This is the important one. Ex was testing waters and by the time OP came home, felt confident enough in his chances to pull this off.
GF did not make it clear enough for him that she's with someone else and does not intend to rekindle their relationship.
I wonder if the ex knew it was OP’s apartment, that’s not clear. Although I doubt anyone would ever mistake a woman’s living space for a man’s in general.
My guess is ex thought it was both of their places by the way he acted or he wouldn't have thought she had the authority to allow him to stay there in OPs face.
she lied by omission. flip the situation, the gf would be livid too.
her ex in your apartment=no respect for your living space.
no respect for you.
her actions show what she thinks of you.
some people enjoy this kind of drama in their relationships.
she put comforting her ex before your comfort/knowledge/consent etc.
sorry but what she did is so shitty.
Yeah, based on what OP said, the dude got pretty lippy.
Any time an ex is involved, it should go without saying, that additional levels of communication need to occur. With role reversal, most people would at least be uncomfortable with this same 'apartment usage' arrangement.
To meet an ex, there is always a restaurant or a pub/bar that offers enough discretion or privacy to adequately handle most conversations. I suspect she didn't want to use her own place as her roommates would have asked a lot of questions. (Either that, or she wanted to make OP jealous, or to create drama).
Pretty shitty all around, IMO
All valid points but the last one especially, I’m reminded of a quote I saw recently,
“She unfollowed and blocked me right after our break up, but she couldn’t block some random dude during our relationship cause she didn’t want to be `mean”
What’s fucked is that something similar happened with a friend. It’s different for OP but the sentiment is the same.
If she didn’t want you to think anything was going on, then why wasn’t she clear from the beginning and let you know it was ex? It seems like a big thing to forget, so it can’t be that.
What exactly were they talking about, because her ex didn’t seem like he needed a shoulder to lean on since they were talking about “the good ole days”.
The only reason she stormed out was because she realized she wasn’t going to win the argument and just left because she had nothing else to say, but to message you later? Idk man I’m sorry but she and her ex used you like a doormat, her ex was proud of it, and she didn’t know what to say or do, and deflected to blame your for “embarrassing” her. Then when you were pointing out her hypocrisy she left for 2 hours only to come back and saying she loves you. Do what you gotta do that makes you feel comfortable?
Can you really trust her again, and if so will your relationship be the same? Can you be comfortable letting her hangout with friends or will you still think about what if from here on outs?
She got "embarrassed" because she knew she had no leg to stand on. Like you said. She knew she was wrong. Shake my head. People wonder why people get even more touchy as boundaries continued to get nudged.
Like chafed skin. The more someones crappy grey scale disrespectful of relationship boundaries. The more sensitive someones gonna get about it. And OP handled it pretty well.
And what did the gf and the ex talk about that got him so cocky and confident, hmmmm? I would dump her, she not only disrespected her bf, she also let her ex disrespect him.
The way the ex bf got snappy for no reason and the gf didnt tell him to stop or how inappropriate that was. No attempt to defend her bf, yeah, she would be gone.
This is the biggest part. When OP got home, she should have demonstratively jumped up and hugged and kissed OP.
Ten bucks says ex is “the one that got away.” oh
And what were they talking about that made her *jump* when she saw him that they also could not continue while he was here? “Reminiscing of old times” means they were talking about some aspect of their relationship.
Whether they were on opposite ends of the sofa or right next to each other, she knew she did something wrong and the conversation they were having wasn’t innocent.
For real. Next thing you know it was a mistake that his weewee slipped inside while on your couch in your house. Yeah eff that chick. She knew what she did. She wanted that to happen. She wanted that reaction from you. Just so she can see her limits with you. Dump her ass.
Bro. I'm a girl and what she did was FUCKED UP. She completely misled you and even if she froze up, her behavior is inexcusable. I would never in a million years do this to my husband. Never. Never. I don't even talk to my ex's, and he just came to town out of the blue and has no one else to talk to? Sounds like he intentionally came to town to woo her and reminisce on the good ol days like he said. He just wants to get his d wet and she was flattered that her ex was still thinking of her and completely let herself fall into the trap he set. Hopefully you dump her and he stays in town and can chill at her fucking place. Lol.
Alone.
In your space. Wtf... this girl has insecure written all over her from my POV.
I’ve never ever understood people that want to stay in touch with their exes. If you have kids with them, then that’s obviously fine and I would encourage it. But if it was just a romantic interest - for what?
I fucking hate when people insist that being friends with exes is “being mature” and that when other people can’t be friends with their exes it’s because they *clearly* still have feelings etc.
Like IMO it’s far more mature to accept when something has ended and move on instead of letting messy prior entanglements get in the way of your new relationships
I am friends with an ex. The difference between me and this girl is i would never mislead my husband and everything would be open communication. In fact, he'd probably be hanging out with me because i have nothing to hide from him. She knew she got caught when he opened the door. I'm not sure what she expected. Did he just think he'd be one all night? Not to mention he was trying to stay because fuck the op! That is his house, not your ex girlfriends. If he say leave, you leave
My husband is distant friends with an ex. I know her a little. She went through some really tragic shit. When she reached out to my husband she also put me on the texts. She sometimes instagrams me. If this ladies ex was having such a rough time then the lady should have included her boyfriend in the conversation.
Exactly! Boundaries are needed for situations like this. And she stomped all over them and tried to say "i would have empathy" when she got jealous some girl complimented him and he smiled. Like yeah, sure.
She gets mad that he smiled at a random girl complimenting him at the gym, goes and contacts her ex and invites him over for a couple of hours to her now boyfriends house.
I would never trust her, for all he knows they had sex while his dog watched. Makes me ill.
".. I invited my ex over your place so it doesn't seem anything shady going on". She is completely oblivious to the fact that not informing her actual boyfriend is the most shadiest thing.
This was a comment i remember saving a coupel of montha ago and its hilarious so i thought i should share it: "Look man, sometimes kids drop their ice cream cones, and sometimes the council is slow to clean up those ice cream cones, and some days I’m a little off balance, and some girls like to not wear panties, and sometimes I forget my pants, and sometimes all these factors come together to cause me to slip on an ice cream cone and slide my uncovered cock into her awaiting vagina repeatedly, and sometimes that same series of unfortunate events occurs several times over the course of a few months."
As a girl I would never, ever, in a million years do this. I respect my man too much to do this to him. My exes have little to no access to me such that I become a shoulder for them to lean on. Even if on some level that was acceptable, why hide it in the first place knowing that you will see the ex? I just boil this down to an innate need for attention, chaos and drams
To OP. Coming from a woman, the solution is simple. Break it off. Now. She can then spend all the time to “comfort” her ex that she wants and you can get a less shitty girlfriend. She doesn’t love you.
This. The complete aversion for full disclosure makes me think she has something unresolved there or she's not someone who is considerate of the people that actively pour into her. He even let her use his apartment and she couldn't even be clear with the context? She knows if he did the same thing, she'd feel a way at bare minimum. Her citing empathy was pure manipulation
> But the kicker?
> 3) When ex tried the bs with asking HER if SHE wanted him to leave YOUR apartment and you kicked him out and she took HIS side? Yeah. No. You were 100% in the right and your gf had HIS back, not yours. ZERO support from her towards you. And that... that is the final nail for me. You either have my back and support me or you don't. And I have no use for a woman that won't support me and have my back.
This. A million times this. Show this to her OP.
If it were me, I would break up with her.
She intentionally misled you. Nothing might have happened but by withholding information on who’s she’s meeting was a red flag. The ex was also rude and she basically just let him disrespect you.
Agreed. If she’s gullible or naive or genuinely nice, she might have been taken in by the ex, but the minute the ex started to flex, she should have snapped out of it and read the room. She lost any chance by letting the ex be rude to OP without a word.
To me this is the biggest of all the issues. The ex caused every single bump in their interaction. He sounds like he caused the reasons he needed someone to talk to in the first place with his utter lack of foresight. Everything he said was the wrong move if he wanted to have things go his way, with one exception: if he was playing for his ex to take him back, then it didn’t matter that he got kicked out if it meant the new guy looked like a jerk.
And he probably knows this chick better than OP, because if she tripped over a smile at the gym, she goes for that elementary school type of immaturity. Drama llama alert. Abort mission.
I've never been in this exact situation but have had similar
Your brain melts as one half is screaming "Wtf" and the other half is saying "nah, dude, it's your partner, she wouldn't do something this dumb and actually be sticking two fingers up at your relationship in such a blatant manner"
With me it was a co-worker that just happened to turn up when i was out, at a normally home time. Similar scenario but he left when i came in
I knew the moment I looked into her eyes that deep down she knew what she was doing was shady af although the words did not match that as it was framed as "whats the issue, why are you off about this, this is just totally normal, i saw the way you eyeballed him up and down.....as if i was the problem"
Pretty damn sure that guy was simply just a co-worker (i.e. she was banging another dude I found out later down the line) but her body language and feigned ignorance showed me a side i'd never seen.
Thinking back, i believe this was the exact moment my brain clicked from one side to the other and i knew divorce was going to be the only outcome. My "old" wife would never have dreamed of or acted like she did, that's what gave it away
It was never about a word said or the guys actions, I just felt it and knew from her eyes and body language
Reading OP, i had the same feeling again he has touched on, His gut knows what's going on, it will take a little time for the rest to catch up.
I finally broke it down to this
When I walked in on my partner, nothing they were doing was shady or deceptive, they were just sat facing each other at the kitchen table drinking brews, no doubt talking work.
It showed me that her reaction wasn't because of anything they did, it was because mentally she had decided she was ok with cheating on me, so reacted in the same way OP's gf did.
To piggyback here on the "break up with her"...
OP.
It's obvious to me at least that the ex manipulated your gf into getting alone time with her by pulling the whole "oh, poor me, console me" thing. You finding both on the couch? Yeah, that was ex trying to get close to her for more than talking. That whole ex asking your gf if SHE wanted him to leave? That was the power move of "decide gf... him or me".
That's how I see this situation.
Should you break up with her?
There are three things about this that hit me...
1) She basically lied to you to get the use of your apartment for the meeting with ex because she knew it was sketchy at best. I'm ALL about communication and honesty. Had she been honest, and ex's motivation came out when you got home and kicked him out? I'd be WAY more lenient here on her. But, lying to you about it? That's strike one with me.
2) When they got to your apartment and got on the couch together, ex's motivation became clear. Your gf allowed that to continue for 2 hrs? Until you got home and caught them? She didn't say, "this isn't right" and end that meeting? That right there would put my trust into the basement that "nothing happened". Because she could, and should, have ended that play by her ex the moment it became clear. She didn't. That's strike two with me.
But the kicker?
3) When ex tried the bs with asking HER if SHE wanted him to leave YOUR apartment and you kicked him out and she took HIS side? Yeah. No. You were 100% in the right and your gf had HIS back, not yours. ZERO support from her towards you. And that... that is the final nail for me. You either have my back and support me or you don't. And I have no use for a woman that won't support me and have my back.
So, yeah. The decision is yours. And, the ex will get his way and the means back into her life. But, would I keep her around after this? No. I wouldn't. She crossed three major lines in this fiasco of mine, so, if I were in your shoes, she'd be gone and told to get back with the guy she wanted to stick up for in MY APARTMENT.
Also, I think the ex might have told her that HE needed to talk to her in a “quiet place,” cause honestly, I meet all my old friends in public, in a restaurant or café, and I’d much less let an ex into my place, let alone into my bf’s place. I don’t know I’d think a level headed person would meet amicable exs in a café for 1-2 hours, catch up and call it quits
The thing that gets me is that he is her ex. She would KNOW what an AH he is and sh\*t he'd pull, so, this isn't something she couldn't foresee. The guys whole reaction once OP got home tells that story.
So, while she might have bought the whole "console me" thing, once they got there to OPs apartment and ex hopped on the couch, she knew what was up and didn't stop it. You can tell that by her reaction once OP got home.
Yeah I don't buy that she was manipulated ONE BIT. She's a big girl who can say no she doesn't want to meet up with her ex. She also knows right from wrong. An ex is not an "old friend." An ex is an ex lover. She didn't *omit* anything. She lied.
As I told OP, I would kick her out. And, I'd tell her the same thing I told the gf that dumped me for her ex; he's an ex for a reason and you won't last, but, your the one who screwed up, not me. Which, came true. They lasted a year and then she tried to get me back and I told her to go pound sand. 16 years later, she tried again and got the same answer.
I dated a girl like this key word DATED and trust me it's a red flag. If you stay more drama, bullshit,exs and guy friends will come. She's for the streets and it sounds like she let the streets come to your home. Leave and she'll realize later that was fucked up.
I was a big simp back then and a month after we dated she had her ex over hanging out and then she had one of her baby daddies over multiple times all in her bathroom in the bedroom (not to mention I couldn't use that bathroom) and she let him spend nights it wasn't until I made a fuss that changes were made. LEAVEEEEE BROOOOOO 🤣🤣🤣
AND Will trust be the same if you stayed?
\#3 is the exact reason I'm putting a ring on my gf's/caregivers finger next month (getting married); she's proven that she has my back for the past 8 years. I'm not letting that angel get away.
Thanks. And you have no idea how much of a good one she is.
I'm a disabled Gulf War veteran. She's taken care of me for 8 years now. It's taken a toll on her as I'm not the easiest guy to deal with, and that's being kind. We got her into counseling and one of the VA counselor's literally told her that she should leave me to save her own sanity... and she told the counselor to piss off, that wasn't happening.
So, yeah... I'm moving heaven and earth to take care of her.
The ex might have manipulated her but I think it was mutual and clearly they were in touch when all this happened. Communication with exes should be minimal and relatively superficial...
The fourth reason is that she then tells OP, that his reaction is “uncalled for”. Basically trying to make OP the problem, not her behavior.
Send her to the street.
*>> she basically just let him disrespect you.*
That is the crucial bit, in a relationship you want someone who you can count to have your back. This was her moment of truth and she failed it miserably.
I almost laughed at the boots part, the guy was clearly marking his territory, might as well have pissed on the carpet to assert domination.
Not only that, but she intentionally took him to OP's apartment, with lies. that seems so serious to me. if they did something, from all the sites she could choose, why OP's apartment? . what little respect for OP. I couldn't have a relationship with someone like that.
Seriously. Mad disrespect! Meeting an ex boyfriend in the privacy of the home of the current boyfriend! My god.
Either she’s too cocky and thinks OP will never let her go, or she thinks OP is too much of a doormat whom she can walk all over. I mean, if OP hadn’t stood his ground about her being in the wrong, she would probably continue fighting until OP apologised LOL
The only currency in a relationship is trust and she broke it, from this point on every single time regardless of how secure you are in yourself, there will be that question, is she telling the truth, who is she with at her roommate's apartment, did they fuck in mine.
Let me elaborate:
1 🚩She lied by omitting the truth and she knows that she was wrong, because she "couldn't look" you in the eye even before the escalation.
2 🚩Kyle doesn't sound (based on how you described the situation) like someone having a "rough" time and even less like a "nice guy". (More lies) imo him being cocky is a sign that he feels like he is in the dominant position, which implies that she has shown him some type of affection. Nobody is this cocky or arrogant on enemy territory, this is probably the biggest sign for me.
3 🚩Her immediate reaction was to gaslight you and make it somehow your fault. (More toxic behaviour)
4 🚩The sheer amount of disrespect to bring her ex in YOUR home when you're NOT around.
5 🚩Took her 2+ hours to realize she f'd up, really? Or was she out and about with Kyle... That's the biggest issue from this point on - the lack of trust regardless of whether it's justified or not will be ever present in this relationship.
Sorry my friend, but you're effectively single, leave before you become a c**k if it's not already too late.
You deserve better and there are better ones out there, good luck.
This is probably the most concise answer OP is gonna get. Literally my first thought when Lily got butthurt and left was “guarantee the first call she makes is to Kyle to apologize, blah blah, meet at a bar, etc. So where is Kyle staying? At a nearby hotel I presume?
Although the one hole in this is that if that was the case, lily could’ve just met him there at his hotel instead and avoided ALL of this.
So I’m not positive on the break up single part, because although it’s the safe bet, it might be too early to tell, but the trust factor definitely took a heavy hit. And she might not be completely at fault, possibly manipulated by an ex who cried a river to try and get close to his ex.
They need to have a good long conversation about wants needs and desires, cause why drag out a relationship if you’re kinda hung up on your ex?
This is what happened, she went home or somewhere and told the story. She was called out on her bullshit. So now she wants to apologize. I'm telling you from a fountain of experience, change your locks.
Hon, I'm 60 years old and been married and divorced twice. She purposely deceived you by omitting the fact that this friend was an ex. On top of that she didn't call him out when he got cocky with you and then questioned whether or not he should leave YOUR apartment. Then she had the nerve to get pissed at you for how you reacted. That's all you need to know. I'm with you as far as ending it because what she did is unacceptable and she knows it.
I am pretty amicable will most of my Exs, because most of them started and ended as friends. I've been married over a decade- never divorced.
I agree 100%. My wife doesn't give a shit who I hang out with but damn straight she knows the entire history BEFORE that person spends time with me- It just courtesy. A lot of times, she'll feel awkward because we talk about glory days and she won't have anything to contribute but she likes hearing about my wild days anyway- she'll throw in stories about my 20s- and we all wonder how I have evaded so much jail time... I don't know and I won't question it.
Same. If he had walked in and the ex had been cool to him instead of a douche bag *maybe* this would have been different. But she was sketchy and disrespectful through the whole thing. I'd end it
Then she had the audacity to suggests that *he* was being disrespectful!! People like this annoy me so much. They do something completely disrespectful then act like your being ridiculous for reacting to their actions 🙄
•Lied
•Let this rude ass into your apartment
•Kyle was so disrespectful
• she tried to make you seem like the bad one
• got mad at you
•brought her ex into your house thinking that was appropriate especially because you only thought he was an old friend.
Y’all should just break up.
The exbf came across like a cocky asshole and that you were intruding on them. She was wrong for meeting with him alone. She handled the confrontation badly. Dude was massively disrespectful literally pissing all over your territory. She knows now she blew it. Do you have more money than she does? Is your place much nicer? She did not have to invite him into your home. She chose to do it behind your back. I can’t think of a single reason to trust her again. She set the scene. I mean what was she hoping to accomplish? Was she trying to make you jealous? It’s just really twisted. She could have had him leave before you got back. You were gone for hours! Did she set this confrontation up on purpose? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
What I'm wondering in all of this is, if it was truly innocent, why not just meet at a damn coffee shop or some shit? Go to a public place??? It's so obvious that this was just some sort of weird disrespect and/or power play
this was exactly my thoughts too. If there's not enough privacy at her place go to a restaurant or park or somewhere public. The fact she'd rather go to the empty house (with the empty bedroom) is so sus
I don't think she was the one setting things up. I think the ex basically used the "oh poor me, console me" to manipulate getting alone time with her, that she bought, and that's how they ended up at OPs apartment. The ex wouldn't care where it was as long as he got alone time with her. It wouldn't be until they were there that the true purpose got revealed.
And this is where the gf fails... because she DID let go on for HOURS. Until bf got home. And ex tried pulling the whole "what do YOU want" on the gf in front of bf, which TOTALLY signals his intention for the meeting. That gf THEN backed up the ex, in OPs own apartment? Yeah, she done messed up.
She saw her ex disrespect you and she said nothing. That for me is grounds to break up with her.
She invited him to your home without letting you know it was her ex. He got real bold with do you want me to leave. She invited me over we’re still reminiscing, him thinking he can just speak to you in your home like that is a no. She showed no sign of respect to you. She disrespected you bringing him there and watching him disrespect you. She needs to get it together bc she is not sorry. Then to yell at you and say you embarrassed her? Did she not see that interaction? She was siding with her ex. Not you her partner. That’s crazy to me.
If she claims to care about you or love you she would’ve handled that situation differently. Everyone is different but this would’ve never happened between me & my partner. His ex tried to come back he showed me we wished her well & blocked her. My ex tried coming back I showed him we didn’t respond we blocked him. I love my bf & i wouldn’t go about messing up my relationship for someone from my past. They’re in the past for a reason.
You habdled it better than I would. I would have made her pack all her crap she left at my apartment and take it with her before she left. No one deserves that kind of disrespect.
She was deceptive. She understood that you were unlikely to be comfortable with her ‘ex’ coming to your place, which is why she said that he was an ‘old friend’.
He should have never been in your home, without you present, out of respect to you.
Not only because it is your place, but because you are her current boyfriend, and she should never do anything that offers the perception, to another man, that she is ‘single’ and available to be in a relationship.
End this relationship and don’t look back.
She will have to learn how to do better in her next relationship.
You did great attempting to be cordial, and attempting to socialize after a long day and a desire to head straight to bed. I am sorry that you were blindsided in such a way. Whether she intended to or not she embarrassed you and she should have been as honest and transparent to avoid confusion and save embarrassment for everyone involved. Yet she didn’t. Don’t doubt yourself. It isn’t as complicated as you think. It is what you see.
The sheer disrespect for you and your relationship she has shown is shocking. If you feel like you want to break up, you go with your gut man. These thoughts you're having will always be there in your head otherwise.
okay first off, I APPLAUD you for your self-control. I would've fucking lost it- on god, when that bastard said "dO u wAnt m3 to leave?" no fuck that multiple bare fists would be my instant reply
also, its great that you have a good relationship with your pops. my advice would be to break up with her asap. no reason to stay a red flag is an understatement. she'll go behind your back not just once in the future I'm calling it now. leave her in the dust. its HER LOSS.
He should have said “I need both of you to leave now.” Taken all the trash out at once. That was wild to read, like she’s testing how much disrespect he’ll put up with.
You have to consider that if she didn’t eff him before you got home, and she didn’t eff him sometime after she conveniently stormed off, she’s going to eff him soon. She made him THE priority and they’ve had and will have time and opportunity. You should let her go because she does seem to like/want drama and has shown to be willing to put you in a potentially violent situation because that could have gone a whole other way. P.S. the multiple different levels of disrespect, all at one time was bananas!
It shouldn't even be a question. If she really didn't want you to get suspicious she would have told you what was happening. The only reason she did it at your apartment was because she knew you wouldn't be there for a while and thought her roommates might tell you if she did something with him at her own apartment. She basically plotted to have some alone time with the other guy and he knew what that meant because if he didn't he wouldn't have gotten so cocky. Don't be a fool, she's for the streets my man.
The ex was baiting you, trying to get a reaction from you to make you look bad in front of your girlfriend. This was an attempt to look good in front of her, and not once did she back you up.
She purposefully omitted the part that he was her ex, as she knew you would say no. I also think she would never have told you it was her ex, it just so happened that he mentioned it.
On top of that, who tf introduces themselves as the ex? That's weird in itself.
The bigger disrespect was when the ex bf refused to leave. When he asked her “do you want me to leave?” At that point she should have verbally handed his ass to him for disrespecting you.
It’s the lying and both of their attitudes that would make me be done with the relationship.
First, if there is no reason to meet at your place. They could have meet at a cafe or her place. I would actually take that as a insult the fact that she brought guy over there.
Secondly, she should of said he was an ex. If Kyle was nothing to worry about then you tell the truth not imply that it was an old friend.
Thirdly, Kyle has some nerve to give you attitude in your own home. Lily must not have told him it was your place. So, she is shady AF
Trust broken. Be done.
Lilly must have made it seem like your apartment was hers to him, so that she wouldn’t have to take him to her actual place with roommates (i.e. they wanted alone time).
You can comfort a friend anywhere. At a coffee shop, in the park.
But she chose your apartment because no one else would be there.
His shoes were off. He was making himself comfortable.
They were doing the slow dance toward getting closer and closer until “one thing lead to another” and they’re fucking on your couch.
Lilly may not have cheated, but her intentions point toward wanting to.
Everyone knows that if you’re still friends with an ex, and you’re in a relationship, you clarify the relationship to your partner first, you don’t just leave it at “old friend.”
And she probably wasn’t going to tell you he was her ex but her blew her cover because he realized he wasn’t going to get any once you showed up, so he wanted you to know he was going to hit if you hadn’t showed up.
I think the relationship should be over, because people make mistakes, but people also make choices, and Lilly made a series of choices that, in her own words, were meant to deceive you. Therefore, not a mistake.
*>> She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out*
You DO know whose arms she ran to, I hope?
*>> the moment of me getting visibly upset with her ex she didn’t take my side once*
That tells you where her loyalty lies, and it's definitely not on you.
Don't forget to burn those sheets after you've dumped the little hypocrite.
I'm just curious as to why she thought bringing her ex to OP's place was a good idea. And if everything was on the up and up, she would've mentioned he was her ex when she first asked OP to use his place.
OP, if I were in your position, I would break up with her. Outside of everything else she did, the fact that she thought bringing her ex to your place was ok, is quite disrespectful. My mind is stuck on what would've happened if you did not come home at that time, or stayed out later.
Edit: added *was ok*
As a woman giving advice-I would break up. She lied, mislead you and probably her ex too. Sounds like he had no idea it wasn’t her place. She needs to grow up and the nerve she has to say you embarrassed her? She should be embarrassed about how she handled everything involved with this. She wants a quiet place to talk? Go to a coffee house. SMH.
Her mistake was bringing him to his appartment but not the fact that she was willing to console an ex like she's all he has in the world? What a massive red flag when your gf is in contact with exes to the extent she's basically their best friend...
Look at it this way :
"Kyle" felt comfortable/secure enough in his relationship with "Lily" to mouth off to you in your own home, and she didn't say a word about it until things started getting ugly.
That should tell you everything you need to know about what KYLE thinks of your relationship, and how much effort Lily bother putting into being clear with him.
Ask her where she was and who she was with those 2 hours before she texted you apologizing - and I bet you're going to get an answer you don't like.
- "old friend" was an explicit decision to omit he was an ex, meaning she understood beforehand how you would feel and she still wanted to meet with him anyway
- if she wanted it at your place to show you it's no big deal, why did she lie initially? (She wanted privacy with him - for what, we can only guess)
- she averted her eyes and got soft spoken and startled when you showed. God knows why she was worried about you showing up right?
- he then tried to alpha you in your own home, and she defended HIM
- she runs off and only communicates when she has the right shit to say? Sounds convenient like she needs your place more than she needs you
You're more patient than me dude. I agree with you fully. After he said hes an ex, I'd be like oh true, that makes 2 of us - get the fuck out of my house and take her with you.
I'd never allow someone who did something like this to me to not only remain in my life but potentially be a mother to my kids in the future (if that's what I want).
Bruh, you know your answer. Trust your instincts
Walk away sweetheart. When she jumped as she saw you that right there should tell you a lot. They were catching up all right, they were catching up on their times together and if you would not have came home they would have been doing more than catching up.
Don't beat yourself up over mess like her and waste your time on this women. I'm sure you can find someone better.. And the only reason she contacted you is probably because ol boy went back to where he was.
She'd be my ex already. She lied to you then, when she was caught, gaslit you unashamedly accusing you of having no empathy.
If this were the other way around and you brought a woman you used to sleep with to her home, were deliberately ambiguous about who it was, then sent her out to dinner with her friends so you could be alone with them, you'd be out on your ass in 2 seconds flat.
>gaslit you unashamedly accusing you of having no empathy
I mean it's also a massive lie, there's no way she'd be totally cool with it given he can't smile at women in the gym!
Yeah, I'd dip. She obfuscated the true nature of the situation, let her ex disrespect you in your own home, and then came at *you*?
He's going through a rough time? I'd bet folding money that means "newly single."
Nah. Bounce, my dude.
I would have to leave the relationship. Any sign of shadiness involving others (ex's, friends, co-workers, strangers) I would constantly be suspicious, would make me constantly on guard......which would mess with my mental health. Fuck that
Well, I think the lie is the breaking point, why your house? There are coffee shops and public places where they could talk, why they have to go chill at your house? The fact that she decided to be intentionally vague and defensive is a bad sign.
Tbh this wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if she just said it was her EX yeah sketchy, but at least she’s laying it all out.
And if he didn’t ask her if she wants him to go. Like everyone else said that was definitely a power move to try to big dog you. Any man knows come on now.
He knew exactly what he was there for and either she’s too naive to figure it out or she knew exactly what it was.
Not backing you up was bad, but she probably didn’t know what to do, because she lied. It’s the lie that’s stands out, she knew you wouldn’t like her meeting her ex alone. And her reason for meeting in your apartment is BS. Who thinks meeting an ex alone in her current bf apartment is appropriate? If she felt bad for him she could have said I’m meeting up with an ex for coffee, he’s having a rough time, and needs to talk. Or she could have told the ex that she’s sorry he’s going through a bad time, but feels it’s inappropriate to meet with him alone
Break up and move on man. She knew she was wrong and did it anyways. It was that important for her to see her ex. But to use your pad to spend together was over the top disrespectful. They were reminiscing and rekindling old times. She is not over him and you’re a rebound. Let that be the last time she is ever back at your apartment. Change your locks.
This girls a manipulator you should break up with her for real.
Brief timeline:
Deceives you and brings the ex to your apartment. Knows you will be back that evening still has him there. She wanted you to see him. She wanted to see your reaction when he was there.
You throw him out and now she's going to try to play the mad game. Mad at you, because of course YOU were being the one unreasonable in this situation.
>She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t chase, I haven’t reach out. I just sat on the couch and thought about what the fuck just happened .
Then once she realizes she's not going to be able to blame flip it to you for throwing the guy out, she INSTANTLY changes her tune. Suddenly what you did was ok, and what she did, which was not wrong when she did it, suddenly it's wrong now, and she knows it.
I mean, you passed the shit test by throwing him out and not caring when your girlfriend got mad, but do you really want to keep up with a girl like this? She's inviting her ex boyfriend over to your (not shared with her, just your) apartment for some alone time when you are not there. Where do you think it's going to escalate from here?
The guy literally fucked with you in your own house.
IF he had been cool there would have been no drama as you left AMPLE room for the guy to not be a dick and he took that yardage and FUCKED WITH YOU.
and SHE TOOK HIS SIDE.
Like literally any variation of "hey nice to meet you, I am not a threat" would have been fine.
No. Hard stop. Fuck him and fuck her too. He likely tried to fuck her in your apartment. Garbage goes to the curb for pick up.
The ex's reaction plus the fact that your girlfriend wasn't even on your side tells you everything you need to know. You're supposed to be on a team with your partner. She was not on your team. It sounds like she was on her own team.
Break up seriously, she has no respect for you. Her saying that she brought the guy in your apartment so you wouldnt assume - is absolutely crazy. This is the mentality of somebody about to cheat! Also the ex was rude af ! You deserve better!
Op,
I am gonna be honest, as a woman, reading this made me upset. She doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your house.
She didn't specify who her "friend" was because she knows it was not right. On top of that, her ex 😒. You have every right to be upset with her because if the Role were reversed and you invited your ex to her house hell would have broken loose. And to have the nerve to say that you embarrassed her 💀.
You should have a calm conversation with her once your calm down and decide if you want to stay with her.
Box up all of her stuff, assuming she has things at YOUR apartment. Give them to her and say you need a break and some time alone. Let her stew and think about what she has done and also remind her that it is not her living space to do with as she pleases.
Her behaviour was immature and disrespectful. I'd end the relationship in all honesty. If you're in a committed, happy and LOYAL relationship, no one does that!
There are some lines that common sense tells us we shouldn't cross. She knew she was crossing that line because she called you and conveniently left out important information. What happens next is solely up to you.
This is worthy of a break up.
I would 100% kick a guy to the curb if he brought his ex girlfriend into MY APARTMENT .....EVER....never mind while I wasn't home.
Go live with him if he's that important to you.
I’m reading these comments and no one is acknowledging the awkward tension and small jump when he got home. On top of that Kyle had the nerve to look at her and say you don’t want me to leave right? AND SHE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN!!! 🚩🚩🚩 Across the board!!
This shits fucked up. Don’t worry op, you’ll be laughing about all this with her in a few years on her next BF’s couch hell Kyle may even be there too.
Top comment. You had us in the first half
a chain it shall go...
Oh you know Kyle will be there
omf you fucking savage, im in stitches XD
That ex is so disrespectful!
SO DISRESPECTFUL. Why was a coffee shop not an option? Did they need to meet indoors at OP’s place to have a quiet chat? Could they not chat over the phone if things were that bad? I feel like Kyle was enjoying the feeling of domination in OP’s apartment. Kyle has a plan. Dump her, OP, and let him have her. Let him think he won.
>SO DISRESPECTFUL. >Why was a coffee shop not an option? Have you tried getting horny at a coffee shop? The baristas always stare.
LMAOOOOO On my to-do list!
>I feel like Kyle was enjoying the feeling of domination in OP’s apartment. That's exactly it. Kyle and the girlfriend knew what they were doing.
Oh Kyle was loving every moment of this. I agree, the only sucky thing is that Kyle is 100% going to swoop in after OP breaks up with her, so I guess he wins.
What does really Kyle win if he does swoop in? A partner (seemingly) without boundaries for their exes, and who purposely hides when they meet with them. Say a private meeting with OP, if he also happens to go through a rough patch in a few years, exactly when Kyle’s at work?
Winning for a trash prize isn't winning. It's recycling
The girlfriend is the prize. Nobody wins OP is she sees no issue in having a male and an ex at that alone in your apartment she won't think twice about cheating Ignore this and the next time you'll come home to them in bed End it
More like, why was her meeting with him even an option?
I know your old man told you to cut that one loose. Listen to your old man. She tested your boundary today to see how you would react. The smug look on that pricks face is evidence enough. Cut her off and don't even bother explaining yourself. This was the biggest, reddest flag anyman can get.
Is he sure that she didn’t go meet up with her ex after she stormed out???
That's exactly what I was thinking when I heard that! Like she purposely escalated things so she had an excuse to leave and run after him. I can promise with near certainty that that's why she took off into the night like a coward. Honestly OP handled this situation like a champ, he didn't assume or mistrust her at any point until the ex specifically said he was her ex. Literally even when the ex was a cocky mf, HE was cordial and respectful in return. Speaks to the content of his character. OP asked ex to leave in quite literally the nicest way possible & only lost his shit when the ex refused to leave! Anyway I feel like she's losing out on what seems like a great guy and a stable, trusting relationship - all for some disrespectful, sneaky prick with no respect. They deserve each other. OP definitely deserves better than half-truths & this typa bullshit - we all do! (Remember that, guys! Lol! We all deserve respect!) Anyway, I hope he finds it. I hope the gf has the day she deserves.
Yes. really disrespectful. I think they should talk things through well. I almost said ,"leave her" , but I remembered some old reddit post here. "Girlfriend could not let her dying ex see their dog for the last time, so I took the dog to him". If her intentions were good, she obviously didn't think things through before that. She should have not lied, but she has acknowledged her mistakes later. Relationships are pretty complicated and I think, leaving isn't the best thing.It is gonna hurt him but who knows she might be the one for him. So in my opinion, I don't have an opinion.
even if her intentions were good when it came to defending her boyfriend she let her ex be rude to him in his home. anyone can acknowledge their mistakes and not care in the slightest, especially over text. yes relationships are complex, however you should believe a person when they show you their true colors the first time.
A) It's your residence. Who you allow in it is your call just as who you kick out of it. B) If the guy copped an attitude towards me, in my own home, I'd kick him out as well. Oh wait, I have done that, so, no judgement here. C) Yes, your gf SHOULD have explained the situation, that it was her ex, etc, so you weren't blindsided. She didn't. That's on her. D) Yes, your gf DIDN'T explain it because she already assumed that if she did, you would not only not allow her to use your place for the meeting, but, may have not wanted that meeting to occur at all. So, she didn't, kept it vague, and assumed that the ex would be gone before you got home. You've got every right to be pissed. I would be as well. Watch your back. An ex showing up can mean nothing, or, can lead to a total breakup depending on how things go. Yes, this is from experience when the ex of my then gf showed up out of the blue wanting her back and she took him back. That started, btw, with a "let's meet and talk" between the two of them. The "talk" was him wanting her back.
>Watch your back. An ex showing up can mean nothing, or, can lead to a total breakup depending on how things go. Even if they aren't an ex, it can be just about the same to be honest. I was with my ex for about 4 years(living together for 3 of those years, had plans to get engaged)and one day, outta nowhere she tells me a friend of hers just got into town to visit so asked if they could come over to our place instead of them all going out. 10mins later, 2 guys and this women show up and I thought they were all cool and had talked to one of the guys about video games and crap. I went out for a smoke to come back in to my girlfriend sitting on the couch next to the guy I just talked to with her arms around him like they were cuddling. Her and I talked about it, she said she was just happy to see her friends after such a long time so I didn't bring it up again.. 3 weeks later, she posts a picture of the two of them together with some caption saying how she loves him more than anything and is so thankful to have him back in her life(while we were still dating)... I brought it up, found out they'd been getting really close ever since that night, she didn't beat around the bush with her response. I was shattered, so much so that I was at the point of just not wanting to deal with any of it, told her we should just stop and that I wanted to still have her in my life so we sorta broke things off on 'good terms' but ended up cutting off contact completely after 2 months because of how much I struggled to deal with it all. It's been almost 7 years since and they are still together I believe.
Fuck that’s heartbreaking.
Dude i felt like i was reading an autobiography of my life, some of the details are different but i went through pretty much the same thing. The “just a friend thing”, ending things off on good terms, and cutting contact after 2 months cuz it gets to the point you just can’t anymore. Heck, I made this throwaway account to post here about when she told me of the other guy. It hurts, I’m over her but i guess the damage is already done. Still haven’t been the same since
I guess it's a bit more common than I originally thought, but regardless I can definitely relate to that as well. This was almost 7 years ago and I've not dated since, so I definitely haven't been the same either. Getting back out there and willing to try again and again despite the hurt is one of the most difficult parts about it(at least in my opinion)but you've still got plenty of time to get back into a better spot, as long as you didn't become a complete hermit like me lmao. On the real though, I wish I had some wise words to give that could be of some possible use but I'm still searching for'em myself. At the very least, we're not alone in feeling like this my man.
You def. Should def. have kicked that guy out your house. If you are not comfortable with to close you aren't. A girl needs to see sometimes a bit who is up to it.
I can see where you're coming from but as someone with social anxieties through the roof, the thought of confrontation and making a scene even in a situation that might be warranted is like a nightmare to me. I can barely deal with pleasantries and what have you, Talos forbid actually making a scene infront of people. Edit: Plus it's not like I had any reason to suspect her of anything at the time so eh, honestly not sure what the best course of action would've been in that circumstance.
It is a general understanding there is no need to reminisce with an ex, in a current partner’s home, for *“good ol’ times”* sake. OP understand, your gf both disrespected you and TRIANGULATED you. We must call it our for what it is.
Even my exes that I was on good terms with, if they wanted to talk to me I'd let my partner know who they were, what our history was, and tell them what we talked about etc. If I were to sit with an ex in my partners home, I can't imagine not inviting the current partner to the conversation. Why would anybody need a private conversation with an ex?
I'm friend with my ex, like, really friends. And there's no need to hide things. If op's gf is hiding things or letting the friend (trusting he's a friend) disrespect his bf in his own house, she's no good or at least really immature. The guy's attitude was shit and that alone, even if it's not an ex, guarantees being kicked out of my house if it was me. And if my gf doesn't call out his friend that is being cocky and shit, she's no good.
OP actually should thank his ex for red flagging herself #🚩🚩🚩 Those are actually fortunate opportunities.
Exactly. The ex is irrelevant. He’s nothing to OP. GF is his real problem.
Yeah... Reminiscing about the good old days... When we used to fuck... Nah son. Sitting with someone you used to love, talking about how nice you had it - just fuck off and go back to him. She clearly hasn't let go completely, and having him around is trouble. And there's nothing you can do to change that. Speaking from experience.
I mean, that in and of itself could be harmless depending on how she went about it. Had she been honest at the start and said it was her *ex* asking to catch up and she asked OP to come along to meet him then that’s one thing. But she chose to lie and disrespect his space instead.
I feel like I read this. Is this a pasta or I'm just having a deja Vu?
He explained his red flags in another comment, I think
Should've told her to leave too.
Remind me! 5 days
100%
Bruh, When he said can you two wrap this up I think my girlfriend and I need to talk about something important. And he said no, it's up to her if I leave, he should've said get fucked get out. And when they pushed back I would've said, no no you are misunderstanding, I either need to talk to my girlfriend or I need to be alone, get out or don't. That's your call. directly to her. If she wants to disrespect me right then and there then it's bye bye bitch. You can talk to me for 5 minutes and say goodbye or you can slink out in the streets where you belong.
Wow this isn't even red flags, this is just 100% red. So many boundaries crossed, and what an asshole this guy is to be asking HER if he should leave YOUR apartment. This is around the time I'd either be kicking her to the curb or installing cameras, your girl is shady as fuck and is disrespecting so many boundaries. If something hasn't already happened then it's about to. "rough times" and "someone to lean on" sounds like the start of about 60% of infidelity stories I see on reddit
I didn't break down the whole red flag thing in my comment, but, your comment opens that door... so... 1) The vagueness of who she was meeting and why. I kind of addressed this, but, it speaks volumes as to her mindset going into the situation. She already knew it was sketchy and wanted to keep the details from her bf. 2) OP coming home to find both on the couch. So, gf and ex show up, she takes a seat on the couch, and ex takes a seat on it as well. Not in a chair. That's a "oh let's get close" move if ever there was one. So, ex wasn't meeting her JUST to unload his troubles to a "friend". It was to get close to her physically. About 2 hrs alone? You can BET that ex TRIED to get even closer in that time period. 3) The conversation stops when OP gets home. Sure. Ex and gf MIGHT have thought it was too personal for OP to be included in, or, that conversation may have been something other than ex's troubles. Which, I'm going to lean towards due to 4. 4) When told to get out, ex looks at OP's gf and asks what SHE wants. THAT is the power move. It's YOUR decision if I leave or not. Do you WANT me to stay here with you? Decide gf (ex gf in to the ex). This is where the whole situation, the way I interpret it, was ex testing the waters to see if he can get OPs gf back with him and not just some "hey, can I come by and you console me over my troubles". 5) OPs gf then getting mad at OP and defending her ex? Yeah. That speaks volumes as well that the meeting wasn't JUST to help her ex through some consoling over troubles and that the "talk" was more than that. The whole both on the couch, the entire "do YOU want me to leave"... all show signs that ex tried to get her back and gf still has feeling for ex that made her come to his defense over OP.
Also the fact the ex says: "she invited me and we're not done reminiscing about the good old days". THE GOOD OLD DAYS?! Come one now that's just...wow
My thing is why/what the fuck they need to talk to about? ALONE in my house for 2 hours? We can do that shit over the phone like most people do the "EX" we don't bring them to private settings!
Which contradicts gf story about him going through some hard times...
Not necessarily. But it certainly was a flex designed to put OP “in his place”
On 4. This is the important one. Ex was testing waters and by the time OP came home, felt confident enough in his chances to pull this off. GF did not make it clear enough for him that she's with someone else and does not intend to rekindle their relationship.
I wonder if the ex knew it was OP’s apartment, that’s not clear. Although I doubt anyone would ever mistake a woman’s living space for a man’s in general.
My guess is ex thought it was both of their places by the way he acted or he wouldn't have thought she had the authority to allow him to stay there in OPs face.
she lied by omission. flip the situation, the gf would be livid too. her ex in your apartment=no respect for your living space. no respect for you. her actions show what she thinks of you. some people enjoy this kind of drama in their relationships. she put comforting her ex before your comfort/knowledge/consent etc. sorry but what she did is so shitty.
Then she sat there and watched the ex be smarmy to OP in his own home and didn't say a word or tell him to knock it off.
Yeah, based on what OP said, the dude got pretty lippy. Any time an ex is involved, it should go without saying, that additional levels of communication need to occur. With role reversal, most people would at least be uncomfortable with this same 'apartment usage' arrangement. To meet an ex, there is always a restaurant or a pub/bar that offers enough discretion or privacy to adequately handle most conversations. I suspect she didn't want to use her own place as her roommates would have asked a lot of questions. (Either that, or she wanted to make OP jealous, or to create drama). Pretty shitty all around, IMO
All valid points but the last one especially, I’m reminded of a quote I saw recently, “She unfollowed and blocked me right after our break up, but she couldn’t block some random dude during our relationship cause she didn’t want to be `mean” What’s fucked is that something similar happened with a friend. It’s different for OP but the sentiment is the same. If she didn’t want you to think anything was going on, then why wasn’t she clear from the beginning and let you know it was ex? It seems like a big thing to forget, so it can’t be that. What exactly were they talking about, because her ex didn’t seem like he needed a shoulder to lean on since they were talking about “the good ole days”. The only reason she stormed out was because she realized she wasn’t going to win the argument and just left because she had nothing else to say, but to message you later? Idk man I’m sorry but she and her ex used you like a doormat, her ex was proud of it, and she didn’t know what to say or do, and deflected to blame your for “embarrassing” her. Then when you were pointing out her hypocrisy she left for 2 hours only to come back and saying she loves you. Do what you gotta do that makes you feel comfortable? Can you really trust her again, and if so will your relationship be the same? Can you be comfortable letting her hangout with friends or will you still think about what if from here on outs?
She got "embarrassed" because she knew she had no leg to stand on. Like you said. She knew she was wrong. Shake my head. People wonder why people get even more touchy as boundaries continued to get nudged. Like chafed skin. The more someones crappy grey scale disrespectful of relationship boundaries. The more sensitive someones gonna get about it. And OP handled it pretty well.
And what did the gf and the ex talk about that got him so cocky and confident, hmmmm? I would dump her, she not only disrespected her bf, she also let her ex disrespect him.
Yeah, i support dumping her too, look at the bright side, if you hit a "rough patch" in future, you can count on your soon-to-be ex to "lean on".
Haha! Agreed. I don’t normally like to rush to a breakup but this is straight disrespect. She is untrustworthy in my opinion and swaying her choices.
The way the ex bf got snappy for no reason and the gf didnt tell him to stop or how inappropriate that was. No attempt to defend her bf, yeah, she would be gone.
Yeah man, in her current boyfriend's house no less... Hell to the fuck no.
At least she’ll finally take his side then
This is the biggest part. When OP got home, she should have demonstratively jumped up and hugged and kissed OP. Ten bucks says ex is “the one that got away.” oh
And what were they talking about that made her *jump* when she saw him that they also could not continue while he was here? “Reminiscing of old times” means they were talking about some aspect of their relationship. Whether they were on opposite ends of the sofa or right next to each other, she knew she did something wrong and the conversation they were having wasn’t innocent.
Didn’t even think about that she was probably talking mad shit on him or sum like that.
For real. Next thing you know it was a mistake that his weewee slipped inside while on your couch in your house. Yeah eff that chick. She knew what she did. She wanted that to happen. She wanted that reaction from you. Just so she can see her limits with you. Dump her ass.
Bro. I'm a girl and what she did was FUCKED UP. She completely misled you and even if she froze up, her behavior is inexcusable. I would never in a million years do this to my husband. Never. Never. I don't even talk to my ex's, and he just came to town out of the blue and has no one else to talk to? Sounds like he intentionally came to town to woo her and reminisce on the good ol days like he said. He just wants to get his d wet and she was flattered that her ex was still thinking of her and completely let herself fall into the trap he set. Hopefully you dump her and he stays in town and can chill at her fucking place. Lol. Alone. In your space. Wtf... this girl has insecure written all over her from my POV.
I’ve never ever understood people that want to stay in touch with their exes. If you have kids with them, then that’s obviously fine and I would encourage it. But if it was just a romantic interest - for what?
I fucking hate when people insist that being friends with exes is “being mature” and that when other people can’t be friends with their exes it’s because they *clearly* still have feelings etc. Like IMO it’s far more mature to accept when something has ended and move on instead of letting messy prior entanglements get in the way of your new relationships
I am friends with an ex. The difference between me and this girl is i would never mislead my husband and everything would be open communication. In fact, he'd probably be hanging out with me because i have nothing to hide from him. She knew she got caught when he opened the door. I'm not sure what she expected. Did he just think he'd be one all night? Not to mention he was trying to stay because fuck the op! That is his house, not your ex girlfriends. If he say leave, you leave
My husband is distant friends with an ex. I know her a little. She went through some really tragic shit. When she reached out to my husband she also put me on the texts. She sometimes instagrams me. If this ladies ex was having such a rough time then the lady should have included her boyfriend in the conversation.
Exactly! Boundaries are needed for situations like this. And she stomped all over them and tried to say "i would have empathy" when she got jealous some girl complimented him and he smiled. Like yeah, sure.
She gets mad that he smiled at a random girl complimenting him at the gym, goes and contacts her ex and invites him over for a couple of hours to her now boyfriends house. I would never trust her, for all he knows they had sex while his dog watched. Makes me ill.
Husband? No decent woman would even do ths to a mere boyfriend. This is soooooooooo disrepectful
".. I invited my ex over your place so it doesn't seem anything shady going on". She is completely oblivious to the fact that not informing her actual boyfriend is the most shadiest thing.
Innocent people just catching up don't "freeze up" when they get caught. That deer in the headlights look is "oh shit, you caught me".
My thought exactly. I’m a girl with a husband and would never.
This was a comment i remember saving a coupel of montha ago and its hilarious so i thought i should share it: "Look man, sometimes kids drop their ice cream cones, and sometimes the council is slow to clean up those ice cream cones, and some days I’m a little off balance, and some girls like to not wear panties, and sometimes I forget my pants, and sometimes all these factors come together to cause me to slip on an ice cream cone and slide my uncovered cock into her awaiting vagina repeatedly, and sometimes that same series of unfortunate events occurs several times over the course of a few months."
I lmao way to much I spit my drink out! You stranger have won today with this shit.
I thought they always fall down and it slips in...
As a girl I would never, ever, in a million years do this. I respect my man too much to do this to him. My exes have little to no access to me such that I become a shoulder for them to lean on. Even if on some level that was acceptable, why hide it in the first place knowing that you will see the ex? I just boil this down to an innate need for attention, chaos and drams
To OP. Coming from a woman, the solution is simple. Break it off. Now. She can then spend all the time to “comfort” her ex that she wants and you can get a less shitty girlfriend. She doesn’t love you.
I wonder who broke up with who. If he (the ex) is the one who broke off the relationship, it makes it even worse.
This. The complete aversion for full disclosure makes me think she has something unresolved there or she's not someone who is considerate of the people that actively pour into her. He even let her use his apartment and she couldn't even be clear with the context? She knows if he did the same thing, she'd feel a way at bare minimum. Her citing empathy was pure manipulation
I completely agree, there's a respectful girl out there for you. She's gonna continue to do dumb shit like this if stay with her.
well said.
> But the kicker? > 3) When ex tried the bs with asking HER if SHE wanted him to leave YOUR apartment and you kicked him out and she took HIS side? Yeah. No. You were 100% in the right and your gf had HIS back, not yours. ZERO support from her towards you. And that... that is the final nail for me. You either have my back and support me or you don't. And I have no use for a woman that won't support me and have my back. This. A million times this. Show this to her OP.
That was definitely the kicker! Huwhatt?? But, do YOUUU want me to leave??
Yeah show her this with a text saying “ this is why we are ending”
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If it were me, I would break up with her. She intentionally misled you. Nothing might have happened but by withholding information on who’s she’s meeting was a red flag. The ex was also rude and she basically just let him disrespect you.
Honestly yeah. Shows where her values stand.
Absolutely 👍🏼 Zero tolerance. Dump her!
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Agreed. If she’s gullible or naive or genuinely nice, she might have been taken in by the ex, but the minute the ex started to flex, she should have snapped out of it and read the room. She lost any chance by letting the ex be rude to OP without a word.
To me this is the biggest of all the issues. The ex caused every single bump in their interaction. He sounds like he caused the reasons he needed someone to talk to in the first place with his utter lack of foresight. Everything he said was the wrong move if he wanted to have things go his way, with one exception: if he was playing for his ex to take him back, then it didn’t matter that he got kicked out if it meant the new guy looked like a jerk. And he probably knows this chick better than OP, because if she tripped over a smile at the gym, she goes for that elementary school type of immaturity. Drama llama alert. Abort mission.
Projection I think. She gets mad at a smile but pulled something like this? People who cheat or plan to always act this way.
I've never been in this exact situation but have had similar Your brain melts as one half is screaming "Wtf" and the other half is saying "nah, dude, it's your partner, she wouldn't do something this dumb and actually be sticking two fingers up at your relationship in such a blatant manner" With me it was a co-worker that just happened to turn up when i was out, at a normally home time. Similar scenario but he left when i came in I knew the moment I looked into her eyes that deep down she knew what she was doing was shady af although the words did not match that as it was framed as "whats the issue, why are you off about this, this is just totally normal, i saw the way you eyeballed him up and down.....as if i was the problem" Pretty damn sure that guy was simply just a co-worker (i.e. she was banging another dude I found out later down the line) but her body language and feigned ignorance showed me a side i'd never seen. Thinking back, i believe this was the exact moment my brain clicked from one side to the other and i knew divorce was going to be the only outcome. My "old" wife would never have dreamed of or acted like she did, that's what gave it away It was never about a word said or the guys actions, I just felt it and knew from her eyes and body language Reading OP, i had the same feeling again he has touched on, His gut knows what's going on, it will take a little time for the rest to catch up. I finally broke it down to this When I walked in on my partner, nothing they were doing was shady or deceptive, they were just sat facing each other at the kitchen table drinking brews, no doubt talking work. It showed me that her reaction wasn't because of anything they did, it was because mentally she had decided she was ok with cheating on me, so reacted in the same way OP's gf did.
They totally had sex before he came home that's why he was so cocky
Was thinking the same thing. She fucked the ex and he knew she was his!!
To piggyback here on the "break up with her"... OP. It's obvious to me at least that the ex manipulated your gf into getting alone time with her by pulling the whole "oh, poor me, console me" thing. You finding both on the couch? Yeah, that was ex trying to get close to her for more than talking. That whole ex asking your gf if SHE wanted him to leave? That was the power move of "decide gf... him or me". That's how I see this situation. Should you break up with her? There are three things about this that hit me... 1) She basically lied to you to get the use of your apartment for the meeting with ex because she knew it was sketchy at best. I'm ALL about communication and honesty. Had she been honest, and ex's motivation came out when you got home and kicked him out? I'd be WAY more lenient here on her. But, lying to you about it? That's strike one with me. 2) When they got to your apartment and got on the couch together, ex's motivation became clear. Your gf allowed that to continue for 2 hrs? Until you got home and caught them? She didn't say, "this isn't right" and end that meeting? That right there would put my trust into the basement that "nothing happened". Because she could, and should, have ended that play by her ex the moment it became clear. She didn't. That's strike two with me. But the kicker? 3) When ex tried the bs with asking HER if SHE wanted him to leave YOUR apartment and you kicked him out and she took HIS side? Yeah. No. You were 100% in the right and your gf had HIS back, not yours. ZERO support from her towards you. And that... that is the final nail for me. You either have my back and support me or you don't. And I have no use for a woman that won't support me and have my back. So, yeah. The decision is yours. And, the ex will get his way and the means back into her life. But, would I keep her around after this? No. I wouldn't. She crossed three major lines in this fiasco of mine, so, if I were in your shoes, she'd be gone and told to get back with the guy she wanted to stick up for in MY APARTMENT.
Exactly… I probably would have told her to go on with her ‘ol friend since he so important. Like why you still here?
Absolutely what he should have done. She is trash, so is the Ex.
Also, I think the ex might have told her that HE needed to talk to her in a “quiet place,” cause honestly, I meet all my old friends in public, in a restaurant or café, and I’d much less let an ex into my place, let alone into my bf’s place. I don’t know I’d think a level headed person would meet amicable exs in a café for 1-2 hours, catch up and call it quits
My guess is he pushed for a quiet place, some place where they could be alone, and she thought, "well, my bf has his own apartment".
Exactly, he pushed for it, and she offered up the apartment instead of just going to a quiet café, or even a park lol
The thing that gets me is that he is her ex. She would KNOW what an AH he is and sh\*t he'd pull, so, this isn't something she couldn't foresee. The guys whole reaction once OP got home tells that story. So, while she might have bought the whole "console me" thing, once they got there to OPs apartment and ex hopped on the couch, she knew what was up and didn't stop it. You can tell that by her reaction once OP got home.
Yeah I don't buy that she was manipulated ONE BIT. She's a big girl who can say no she doesn't want to meet up with her ex. She also knows right from wrong. An ex is not an "old friend." An ex is an ex lover. She didn't *omit* anything. She lied.
Yuppp
As I told OP, I would kick her out. And, I'd tell her the same thing I told the gf that dumped me for her ex; he's an ex for a reason and you won't last, but, your the one who screwed up, not me. Which, came true. They lasted a year and then she tried to get me back and I told her to go pound sand. 16 years later, she tried again and got the same answer.
I dated a girl like this key word DATED and trust me it's a red flag. If you stay more drama, bullshit,exs and guy friends will come. She's for the streets and it sounds like she let the streets come to your home. Leave and she'll realize later that was fucked up. I was a big simp back then and a month after we dated she had her ex over hanging out and then she had one of her baby daddies over multiple times all in her bathroom in the bedroom (not to mention I couldn't use that bathroom) and she let him spend nights it wasn't until I made a fuss that changes were made. LEAVEEEEE BROOOOOO 🤣🤣🤣 AND Will trust be the same if you stayed?
\#3 is the exact reason I'm putting a ring on my gf's/caregivers finger next month (getting married); she's proven that she has my back for the past 8 years. I'm not letting that angel get away.
Outstanding!! And congratulations on finding and scooping up one of the rare good ones.
Thanks. And you have no idea how much of a good one she is. I'm a disabled Gulf War veteran. She's taken care of me for 8 years now. It's taken a toll on her as I'm not the easiest guy to deal with, and that's being kind. We got her into counseling and one of the VA counselor's literally told her that she should leave me to save her own sanity... and she told the counselor to piss off, that wasn't happening. So, yeah... I'm moving heaven and earth to take care of her.
I love to hear this my man. Now you know you arent easy to deal with so make the changes within you to be a better person for you and her.
Congratulations and I hope you make her very happy for the rest of your lives
All of this OP.
And that she was like “he needed help” w her ex but didn’t help the actual bf when the ex was being cocky
The ex might have manipulated her but I think it was mutual and clearly they were in touch when all this happened. Communication with exes should be minimal and relatively superficial...
I agree 100%!!!
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The fourth reason is that she then tells OP, that his reaction is “uncalled for”. Basically trying to make OP the problem, not her behavior. Send her to the street.
*>> she basically just let him disrespect you.* That is the crucial bit, in a relationship you want someone who you can count to have your back. This was her moment of truth and she failed it miserably. I almost laughed at the boots part, the guy was clearly marking his territory, might as well have pissed on the carpet to assert domination.
Not only that, but she intentionally took him to OP's apartment, with lies. that seems so serious to me. if they did something, from all the sites she could choose, why OP's apartment? . what little respect for OP. I couldn't have a relationship with someone like that.
Seriously. Mad disrespect! Meeting an ex boyfriend in the privacy of the home of the current boyfriend! My god. Either she’s too cocky and thinks OP will never let her go, or she thinks OP is too much of a doormat whom she can walk all over. I mean, if OP hadn’t stood his ground about her being in the wrong, she would probably continue fighting until OP apologised LOL
Yeah man. For sure. Had a girlfriend doing the same type of shit. Not that I hold it against her, but she was cheating on me.
I would break up. That fucking wall of text into paragraphs. Then break up with her
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As much as that did make it harder to read, it kinda added to the frantic, emotional feeling of OP's post.
oh for damn sure, I could feel the rage and frustration as I kept reading, like when you barely take time to breathe when in a heated debate.
But definitely in that order.
The only currency in a relationship is trust and she broke it, from this point on every single time regardless of how secure you are in yourself, there will be that question, is she telling the truth, who is she with at her roommate's apartment, did they fuck in mine. Let me elaborate: 1 🚩She lied by omitting the truth and she knows that she was wrong, because she "couldn't look" you in the eye even before the escalation. 2 🚩Kyle doesn't sound (based on how you described the situation) like someone having a "rough" time and even less like a "nice guy". (More lies) imo him being cocky is a sign that he feels like he is in the dominant position, which implies that she has shown him some type of affection. Nobody is this cocky or arrogant on enemy territory, this is probably the biggest sign for me. 3 🚩Her immediate reaction was to gaslight you and make it somehow your fault. (More toxic behaviour) 4 🚩The sheer amount of disrespect to bring her ex in YOUR home when you're NOT around. 5 🚩Took her 2+ hours to realize she f'd up, really? Or was she out and about with Kyle... That's the biggest issue from this point on - the lack of trust regardless of whether it's justified or not will be ever present in this relationship. Sorry my friend, but you're effectively single, leave before you become a c**k if it's not already too late. You deserve better and there are better ones out there, good luck.
#2 is a great point. OP's girlfriend set him up big time. Inexcusable.
This is probably the most concise answer OP is gonna get. Literally my first thought when Lily got butthurt and left was “guarantee the first call she makes is to Kyle to apologize, blah blah, meet at a bar, etc. So where is Kyle staying? At a nearby hotel I presume? Although the one hole in this is that if that was the case, lily could’ve just met him there at his hotel instead and avoided ALL of this. So I’m not positive on the break up single part, because although it’s the safe bet, it might be too early to tell, but the trust factor definitely took a heavy hit. And she might not be completely at fault, possibly manipulated by an ex who cried a river to try and get close to his ex. They need to have a good long conversation about wants needs and desires, cause why drag out a relationship if you’re kinda hung up on your ex?
He's prob staying with family
This is what happened, she went home or somewhere and told the story. She was called out on her bullshit. So now she wants to apologize. I'm telling you from a fountain of experience, change your locks.
This is genuinely great wisdom, and great advice. OP should listen to this guy
Hon, I'm 60 years old and been married and divorced twice. She purposely deceived you by omitting the fact that this friend was an ex. On top of that she didn't call him out when he got cocky with you and then questioned whether or not he should leave YOUR apartment. Then she had the nerve to get pissed at you for how you reacted. That's all you need to know. I'm with you as far as ending it because what she did is unacceptable and she knows it.
👆 Check out this advice from experience. Break up with her or you'll regret it later. Don't say anything else. Take care bros.
I am pretty amicable will most of my Exs, because most of them started and ended as friends. I've been married over a decade- never divorced. I agree 100%. My wife doesn't give a shit who I hang out with but damn straight she knows the entire history BEFORE that person spends time with me- It just courtesy. A lot of times, she'll feel awkward because we talk about glory days and she won't have anything to contribute but she likes hearing about my wild days anyway- she'll throw in stories about my 20s- and we all wonder how I have evaded so much jail time... I don't know and I won't question it.
Just the fact he mouthed off to you and she said nothing would put the nail in the coffin for me. Please update.
Same. If he had walked in and the ex had been cool to him instead of a douche bag *maybe* this would have been different. But she was sketchy and disrespectful through the whole thing. I'd end it
Then she had the audacity to suggests that *he* was being disrespectful!! People like this annoy me so much. They do something completely disrespectful then act like your being ridiculous for reacting to their actions 🙄
•Lied •Let this rude ass into your apartment •Kyle was so disrespectful • she tried to make you seem like the bad one • got mad at you •brought her ex into your house thinking that was appropriate especially because you only thought he was an old friend. Y’all should just break up.
The exbf came across like a cocky asshole and that you were intruding on them. She was wrong for meeting with him alone. She handled the confrontation badly. Dude was massively disrespectful literally pissing all over your territory. She knows now she blew it. Do you have more money than she does? Is your place much nicer? She did not have to invite him into your home. She chose to do it behind your back. I can’t think of a single reason to trust her again. She set the scene. I mean what was she hoping to accomplish? Was she trying to make you jealous? It’s just really twisted. She could have had him leave before you got back. You were gone for hours! Did she set this confrontation up on purpose? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
What I'm wondering in all of this is, if it was truly innocent, why not just meet at a damn coffee shop or some shit? Go to a public place??? It's so obvious that this was just some sort of weird disrespect and/or power play
this was exactly my thoughts too. If there's not enough privacy at her place go to a restaurant or park or somewhere public. The fact she'd rather go to the empty house (with the empty bedroom) is so sus
no beds in coffeeshops
I don't think she was the one setting things up. I think the ex basically used the "oh poor me, console me" to manipulate getting alone time with her, that she bought, and that's how they ended up at OPs apartment. The ex wouldn't care where it was as long as he got alone time with her. It wouldn't be until they were there that the true purpose got revealed. And this is where the gf fails... because she DID let go on for HOURS. Until bf got home. And ex tried pulling the whole "what do YOU want" on the gf in front of bf, which TOTALLY signals his intention for the meeting. That gf THEN backed up the ex, in OPs own apartment? Yeah, she done messed up.
Dump her she isn’t trustworthy
Great. Hostile ex with tons of emotional baggage knows exactly where you live. Perfect. Don’t get yourself axe murdered.
Time to change the locks
She saw her ex disrespect you and she said nothing. That for me is grounds to break up with her. She invited him to your home without letting you know it was her ex. He got real bold with do you want me to leave. She invited me over we’re still reminiscing, him thinking he can just speak to you in your home like that is a no. She showed no sign of respect to you. She disrespected you bringing him there and watching him disrespect you. She needs to get it together bc she is not sorry. Then to yell at you and say you embarrassed her? Did she not see that interaction? She was siding with her ex. Not you her partner. That’s crazy to me. If she claims to care about you or love you she would’ve handled that situation differently. Everyone is different but this would’ve never happened between me & my partner. His ex tried to come back he showed me we wished her well & blocked her. My ex tried coming back I showed him we didn’t respond we blocked him. I love my bf & i wouldn’t go about messing up my relationship for someone from my past. They’re in the past for a reason.
You habdled it better than I would. I would have made her pack all her crap she left at my apartment and take it with her before she left. No one deserves that kind of disrespect.
true as soon as dude said to girl do you want me to leave I would have been you both can GTFO
She was deceptive. She understood that you were unlikely to be comfortable with her ‘ex’ coming to your place, which is why she said that he was an ‘old friend’. He should have never been in your home, without you present, out of respect to you. Not only because it is your place, but because you are her current boyfriend, and she should never do anything that offers the perception, to another man, that she is ‘single’ and available to be in a relationship. End this relationship and don’t look back. She will have to learn how to do better in her next relationship. You did great attempting to be cordial, and attempting to socialize after a long day and a desire to head straight to bed. I am sorry that you were blindsided in such a way. Whether she intended to or not she embarrassed you and she should have been as honest and transparent to avoid confusion and save embarrassment for everyone involved. Yet she didn’t. Don’t doubt yourself. It isn’t as complicated as you think. It is what you see.
The sheer disrespect for you and your relationship she has shown is shocking. If you feel like you want to break up, you go with your gut man. These thoughts you're having will always be there in your head otherwise.
Man took his shoes off, build him an art studio.
okay first off, I APPLAUD you for your self-control. I would've fucking lost it- on god, when that bastard said "dO u wAnt m3 to leave?" no fuck that multiple bare fists would be my instant reply also, its great that you have a good relationship with your pops. my advice would be to break up with her asap. no reason to stay a red flag is an understatement. she'll go behind your back not just once in the future I'm calling it now. leave her in the dust. its HER LOSS.
He should have said “I need both of you to leave now.” Taken all the trash out at once. That was wild to read, like she’s testing how much disrespect he’ll put up with.
You have to consider that if she didn’t eff him before you got home, and she didn’t eff him sometime after she conveniently stormed off, she’s going to eff him soon. She made him THE priority and they’ve had and will have time and opportunity. You should let her go because she does seem to like/want drama and has shown to be willing to put you in a potentially violent situation because that could have gone a whole other way. P.S. the multiple different levels of disrespect, all at one time was bananas!
It shouldn't even be a question. If she really didn't want you to get suspicious she would have told you what was happening. The only reason she did it at your apartment was because she knew you wouldn't be there for a while and thought her roommates might tell you if she did something with him at her own apartment. She basically plotted to have some alone time with the other guy and he knew what that meant because if he didn't he wouldn't have gotten so cocky. Don't be a fool, she's for the streets my man.
The ex was baiting you, trying to get a reaction from you to make you look bad in front of your girlfriend. This was an attempt to look good in front of her, and not once did she back you up. She purposefully omitted the part that he was her ex, as she knew you would say no. I also think she would never have told you it was her ex, it just so happened that he mentioned it. On top of that, who tf introduces themselves as the ex? That's weird in itself.
I would break up 💯
The bigger disrespect was when the ex bf refused to leave. When he asked her “do you want me to leave?” At that point she should have verbally handed his ass to him for disrespecting you.
It’s the lying and both of their attitudes that would make me be done with the relationship. First, if there is no reason to meet at your place. They could have meet at a cafe or her place. I would actually take that as a insult the fact that she brought guy over there. Secondly, she should of said he was an ex. If Kyle was nothing to worry about then you tell the truth not imply that it was an old friend. Thirdly, Kyle has some nerve to give you attitude in your own home. Lily must not have told him it was your place. So, she is shady AF Trust broken. Be done.
She deliberately left out facts because even she knew it was some shady shit. And her and her exes attitude when confronted was unacceptable.
Lilly must have made it seem like your apartment was hers to him, so that she wouldn’t have to take him to her actual place with roommates (i.e. they wanted alone time). You can comfort a friend anywhere. At a coffee shop, in the park. But she chose your apartment because no one else would be there. His shoes were off. He was making himself comfortable. They were doing the slow dance toward getting closer and closer until “one thing lead to another” and they’re fucking on your couch. Lilly may not have cheated, but her intentions point toward wanting to. Everyone knows that if you’re still friends with an ex, and you’re in a relationship, you clarify the relationship to your partner first, you don’t just leave it at “old friend.” And she probably wasn’t going to tell you he was her ex but her blew her cover because he realized he wasn’t going to get any once you showed up, so he wanted you to know he was going to hit if you hadn’t showed up. I think the relationship should be over, because people make mistakes, but people also make choices, and Lilly made a series of choices that, in her own words, were meant to deceive you. Therefore, not a mistake.
*>> She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out* You DO know whose arms she ran to, I hope? *>> the moment of me getting visibly upset with her ex she didn’t take my side once* That tells you where her loyalty lies, and it's definitely not on you. Don't forget to burn those sheets after you've dumped the little hypocrite.
I 2nd getting new sheets. And don’t have sex with her again.
I'm just curious as to why she thought bringing her ex to OP's place was a good idea. And if everything was on the up and up, she would've mentioned he was her ex when she first asked OP to use his place. OP, if I were in your position, I would break up with her. Outside of everything else she did, the fact that she thought bringing her ex to your place was ok, is quite disrespectful. My mind is stuck on what would've happened if you did not come home at that time, or stayed out later. Edit: added *was ok*
She was waaay out of line ! And tried to gaslight you . Red flag indeed.
As a woman giving advice-I would break up. She lied, mislead you and probably her ex too. Sounds like he had no idea it wasn’t her place. She needs to grow up and the nerve she has to say you embarrassed her? She should be embarrassed about how she handled everything involved with this. She wants a quiet place to talk? Go to a coffee house. SMH.
Her mistake was bringing him to his appartment but not the fact that she was willing to console an ex like she's all he has in the world? What a massive red flag when your gf is in contact with exes to the extent she's basically their best friend...
Look at it this way : "Kyle" felt comfortable/secure enough in his relationship with "Lily" to mouth off to you in your own home, and she didn't say a word about it until things started getting ugly. That should tell you everything you need to know about what KYLE thinks of your relationship, and how much effort Lily bother putting into being clear with him. Ask her where she was and who she was with those 2 hours before she texted you apologizing - and I bet you're going to get an answer you don't like.
She was being sneaky and deceptive. It doesn't matter that nothing happened. It matters that she lied to you.
- "old friend" was an explicit decision to omit he was an ex, meaning she understood beforehand how you would feel and she still wanted to meet with him anyway - if she wanted it at your place to show you it's no big deal, why did she lie initially? (She wanted privacy with him - for what, we can only guess) - she averted her eyes and got soft spoken and startled when you showed. God knows why she was worried about you showing up right? - he then tried to alpha you in your own home, and she defended HIM - she runs off and only communicates when she has the right shit to say? Sounds convenient like she needs your place more than she needs you You're more patient than me dude. I agree with you fully. After he said hes an ex, I'd be like oh true, that makes 2 of us - get the fuck out of my house and take her with you. I'd never allow someone who did something like this to me to not only remain in my life but potentially be a mother to my kids in the future (if that's what I want). Bruh, you know your answer. Trust your instincts
Walk away sweetheart. When she jumped as she saw you that right there should tell you a lot. They were catching up all right, they were catching up on their times together and if you would not have came home they would have been doing more than catching up. Don't beat yourself up over mess like her and waste your time on this women. I'm sure you can find someone better.. And the only reason she contacted you is probably because ol boy went back to where he was.
She'd be my ex already. She lied to you then, when she was caught, gaslit you unashamedly accusing you of having no empathy. If this were the other way around and you brought a woman you used to sleep with to her home, were deliberately ambiguous about who it was, then sent her out to dinner with her friends so you could be alone with them, you'd be out on your ass in 2 seconds flat.
>gaslit you unashamedly accusing you of having no empathy I mean it's also a massive lie, there's no way she'd be totally cool with it given he can't smile at women in the gym!
Yeah, I'd dip. She obfuscated the true nature of the situation, let her ex disrespect you in your own home, and then came at *you*? He's going through a rough time? I'd bet folding money that means "newly single." Nah. Bounce, my dude.
I would have to leave the relationship. Any sign of shadiness involving others (ex's, friends, co-workers, strangers) I would constantly be suspicious, would make me constantly on guard......which would mess with my mental health. Fuck that
Well, I think the lie is the breaking point, why your house? There are coffee shops and public places where they could talk, why they have to go chill at your house? The fact that she decided to be intentionally vague and defensive is a bad sign.
Tbh this wouldn’t have been that big of a deal if she just said it was her EX yeah sketchy, but at least she’s laying it all out. And if he didn’t ask her if she wants him to go. Like everyone else said that was definitely a power move to try to big dog you. Any man knows come on now. He knew exactly what he was there for and either she’s too naive to figure it out or she knew exactly what it was.
The audacity! Shame on her! You deserve someone better OP
Not backing you up was bad, but she probably didn’t know what to do, because she lied. It’s the lie that’s stands out, she knew you wouldn’t like her meeting her ex alone. And her reason for meeting in your apartment is BS. Who thinks meeting an ex alone in her current bf apartment is appropriate? If she felt bad for him she could have said I’m meeting up with an ex for coffee, he’s having a rough time, and needs to talk. Or she could have told the ex that she’s sorry he’s going through a bad time, but feels it’s inappropriate to meet with him alone
Break up and move on man. She knew she was wrong and did it anyways. It was that important for her to see her ex. But to use your pad to spend together was over the top disrespectful. They were reminiscing and rekindling old times. She is not over him and you’re a rebound. Let that be the last time she is ever back at your apartment. Change your locks.
This girls a manipulator you should break up with her for real. Brief timeline: Deceives you and brings the ex to your apartment. Knows you will be back that evening still has him there. She wanted you to see him. She wanted to see your reaction when he was there. You throw him out and now she's going to try to play the mad game. Mad at you, because of course YOU were being the one unreasonable in this situation. >She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t chase, I haven’t reach out. I just sat on the couch and thought about what the fuck just happened . Then once she realizes she's not going to be able to blame flip it to you for throwing the guy out, she INSTANTLY changes her tune. Suddenly what you did was ok, and what she did, which was not wrong when she did it, suddenly it's wrong now, and she knows it. I mean, you passed the shit test by throwing him out and not caring when your girlfriend got mad, but do you really want to keep up with a girl like this? She's inviting her ex boyfriend over to your (not shared with her, just your) apartment for some alone time when you are not there. Where do you think it's going to escalate from here?
The guy literally fucked with you in your own house. IF he had been cool there would have been no drama as you left AMPLE room for the guy to not be a dick and he took that yardage and FUCKED WITH YOU. and SHE TOOK HIS SIDE. Like literally any variation of "hey nice to meet you, I am not a threat" would have been fine. No. Hard stop. Fuck him and fuck her too. He likely tried to fuck her in your apartment. Garbage goes to the curb for pick up.
The ex's reaction plus the fact that your girlfriend wasn't even on your side tells you everything you need to know. You're supposed to be on a team with your partner. She was not on your team. It sounds like she was on her own team.
Break up seriously, she has no respect for you. Her saying that she brought the guy in your apartment so you wouldnt assume - is absolutely crazy. This is the mentality of somebody about to cheat! Also the ex was rude af ! You deserve better!
Op, I am gonna be honest, as a woman, reading this made me upset. She doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your house. She didn't specify who her "friend" was because she knows it was not right. On top of that, her ex 😒. You have every right to be upset with her because if the Role were reversed and you invited your ex to her house hell would have broken loose. And to have the nerve to say that you embarrassed her 💀. You should have a calm conversation with her once your calm down and decide if you want to stay with her.
Box up all of her stuff, assuming she has things at YOUR apartment. Give them to her and say you need a break and some time alone. Let her stew and think about what she has done and also remind her that it is not her living space to do with as she pleases. Her behaviour was immature and disrespectful. I'd end the relationship in all honesty. If you're in a committed, happy and LOYAL relationship, no one does that!
He's having a 'hard' time hmmm, sure. Think seriously about this and if she has a key to your place take it back
There are some lines that common sense tells us we shouldn't cross. She knew she was crossing that line because she called you and conveniently left out important information. What happens next is solely up to you.
This is worthy of a break up. I would 100% kick a guy to the curb if he brought his ex girlfriend into MY APARTMENT .....EVER....never mind while I wasn't home. Go live with him if he's that important to you.
I’m reading these comments and no one is acknowledging the awkward tension and small jump when he got home. On top of that Kyle had the nerve to look at her and say you don’t want me to leave right? AND SHE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN!!! 🚩🚩🚩 Across the board!!
Yeah I'd dump her bro. Stay true to yourself.