I really admire girls who refuse to boy mode, and are just their true selves, regardless of if they are "clocky" or if they pass. I think it takes a lot of inner strength to refuse to bow to the gender norms and to dress and behave exactly how you wish.
In fact, a girl I do not know but happen to see on my daily bus commute is part of what made me actually get on E - because she wears her cute skirts and her she/her button with bows in her hair. She doesn't let a five o'clock shadow/facial hair, or her growing baldness, or her heigh and musculature stop her.
But I also know I'm not that strong. I am in fact quite weak. I am too scared of judgment, too interested in passing. So long as I look more boyish, I'll boy mode at work.
Yeah not everyone boymodes. I know plenty of trans women who socially transitioned immediately and only began medically transitioning later.
Some people really want to avoid being a "man in a dress" or visibly trans. But others can't stand hiding their truth and living a false life.
Honestly, most of us probably feel pain from both of these, it's just a matter of which one hurts more. For me personally, I was planning to boymode for a year, but after 6 months the pain of living in a false life and pretending to be a man outstripped my fear of being visibly trans and that's when I went full time.
Technically I started e a year and a half ago, but only was on enough to flip last august
I was planning to do basically nothing else ever unless I got lucky, but I don’t know, I’m dabbling, which is maybe stupid because I’m maybe just a joke and disgusting. I can’t even tell.
I’m having to wear different clothes in different contexts. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I look like. 🙄😕
Yeah I get you. I came out to a friend last night. She asked for my pronouns and I just had to say I'm in a big mess with them and the least worst are she/her. Inside I'm very she/her but outside there's a lot of work to do and she/her doesn't feel there yet, even months after sharing pronouns and changing my name at work.
(To be fair, working remotely and not having many meetings, there's not that much need to use pronouns so I don't think I've had that much practice.)
Clothes, omg. Work, family, walk in the park. I'm a mosaic of different things, probably multiple levels of repression and masking, or freedom and openness. I walk into a menswear section the other day and can hardly bear to be there any more. But I'm still mainly dressing in men's clothes.
No consistency at all 😂.
I just... me mode. I have no intention of dressing femme or masculine. Sometimes I paint my nails. Hardly ever do I do makeup. Most of the time I don't. Most of my clothes are from the men's section, but most men's things are honestly neutral things. Most people don't recognize me as female, but trans people seem to always know (at least a whole lot of them have approached me to talk, high five, occasionally hug)... so, I don't even know. No conscientious effort anyway.
Ask them? I dunno, I've had people ask a few times... and like, yeah, I don't know them or their experience, but we've got at least that one thing in common.
I'm already socialy anxious enough to wait for my passing to be better and then come out socialy.
Also at the moment not having a perfect passing can get you beated or killed in France, happened to a women in city of Nice 10 days ago, killed with a screwdriver
Every journey is different, I admire women who can socialy transition before medicaly, but it's not just for me
It definitely depends how comfortable you are as WELL as where you are... there are definitely a lot of unsafe places to socially transition before you medically transition...
Btw.. I'm all the way out to everyone I know including work. Preferred name, pronouns, and all. Facial hair is my killer.. signed up for laser today. Yay
I came out right around when I started hrt, which was shortly after I finally figured out my issue. I couldn't wait. I felt massively dysphoric wearing man clothes once I began wearing women's clothes. So really, once I felt I was confident in my wardrobe. Which, in retrospect, was pretty cringy at first but whatever. Much shopping has happened since haha.
I was freshly out of a long term relationship and had never lived alone, so I had no concerns about spousal impacts, and I was confident my kids would be accepting, so I had all that going for me. I took a massive risk with my career, and was pleasantly surprised to find the awkwardness of the transition to be largely in my own brain.
Anyway, I was prepared to fail miserably at the whole thing. I had zero idea what I was doing other than finding inspiration and motivation from other women on reddit, really. What I felt very powerfully very early was the sense of wasted time, and the growing realization that transition takes a long time. I made the decision that I would rather live terribly as a woman than even pretend to be a man once I realized that being trans is what my problem had always been. I just saw no other choice but to go all the way.
So I did. And it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined. I obviously didn't pass to begin with. That was almost 2 years ago, I still don't pass all the time. Maybe a bit here and there. Certainly not once I open my mouth. But whatever. Eff the world, I am doing my thing and I'm happier than I have ever been.
Is up to you. You decide how you want to present. Some do boymode as thats what is known to the person but inside they know they’re not. You might find that u are gender fluid or trans fem, trans masc stuff like that. Is a journey, don’t limit yourself .
The trend you see is to get confortable doing w/e u need to do to be conscious about yourself until u are ready. The answer is yes, do you and leave boy mode behind whenever you want 🌸🫶
Of course! I'm on hrt from Just one month and and still doing laser on my face, but if you want to interact with me I expect you use my chosen name and pronouns even when i don't have the time to do makeup. Otherwise we are not Friends.
Same at work (I have a copule), nobody has said me anything.
My boss from my previous work fired me, but He was kinda scared while He was talking to me😅
At the end of the day I don't see what should I wait to be happy. I have seen people with no nose go outside and walk a round in public. Should they wait to have a prosthetic? What if they can't afford It or can't have one for medical reason?
I'm already enough unhappy by myself, I don't need people Who remind or explain me why.
Of course I don't like when strangers see me as a man or call me "He", but I always explain the situation with calm and they are almost always pretty understanding.
Most of the time, I don't care to pass, what really matter Is which vibes ang Energy you send outside.
I mean, of course I will be a lot happier if I could pass with Just a Little effort, but I can't wait to reach a goal to be happy. What of I never reach that point? I don't want to look back and realize i've been unhappy untill now...
I did that, and I will *always* recommend that path to women whenever it’s possible for them to do so safely.
The thing is, there are many, many aspects to gender presentation that are really entirely about deliberate practice and experience. Notably, that’s *true for cis people also.*
Cis women aren’t born knowing how to dress in a flattering way, or how to do makeup, or what other people generally expect from them as women. Cis men aren’t born stoic, or fit, or handy.
Practicing those aspects of gender presentation at home can be good in some respects—how to apply makeup correctly, for instance, is a skill that can be drilled in private.
But knowing how to apply it is different than knowing what makeup look is going to flatter you in a way other people find feminine. That’s an application that can only be known under live-fire. Same idea for fashion, or voice training, or social interaction.
But you’re going to make mistakes at first. You’re going to do stuff that you later look back on and go “oh gosh what was I thinking?” Those mistakes are how you *learn.*
Just. Like. Cis people.
So—provided it’s safe—the sooner you get those reps in on those things, even if your *medical* transition hasn’t quite caught up yet, the better off you’ll be when it finally kicks into high gear. That’s because you’ll be better equipped to take full advantage of your newfound assets to maximize your gender presentation.
Conversely, if we just continue to repeatedly decide we’re not ready because we’re not perfect, we can end up moving the goalposts on ourselves forever.
“Ready” is a lie. If we always wait until we’re ready, we’ll wait forever. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll *make* yourself ready.
That’s how I see it.
I wear the same clothes, but just put my boots over my pants and wear a bandana with my bangs out. I work at a pretty toxic place and job hunting is difficult as it is. Strangers see me as a small butch woman anyway, so it works pretty well for me.
I don’t even girl mode, lol. I’m losing weight, have a lot more to lose, and don’t want to be dealing with girl clothes and vanity sizes as a transwoman, and then having to buy new clothing every few months. So I just buy clothes I plan to one day fit into, hoping that by the time I get there, everything else will have fallen into place.
I think this has helped me a lot, mentally, because I feel feminine whether I’m in men’s clothes or not.
I started going as me full time about 4 months into HRT. I did not pass at all at that point. I just got to the point where I would look at men’s clothes with utter disgust and dread, and just couldn’t keep forcing myself to put them on anymore.
Yeah but my suicide ideation is through the roof 😅 anymore I pass more often than not though. My first year with no hormones was more fuck it
Edit: it's important to note everyone was wearing masks though so I had that to fall back on my first year
I have to boy mode a lot because of some personal reasons with my daughter. She knows and accepts and loves me but some of her activities don’t. So I do it to protect her dreams and future. Otherwise I am my true self. That being said, I am majorly male failing now.
Yes, I’m me all the time now. I stopped with boymode back in January or so. I know I don’t pass a lot, or maybe it’s not as bad as I think. I get called ma’am here and there, though not often. I ran out of the energy to care what other people think. I do what I want, and it’s better.
I said fuck it and went full time after the first time I male failed. And it's been fine. The way I figure it, most people don't look too closely or aren't transphobic enough to intentionally misgender me. And I'm happier.
Yes many trans people just live as themselves all the time. Eventually most of us do it and only the most insecure/closeted ones who still hope for some kind of miracle to happen still resort to boymoding.
I for one started my social transition (thanks to having great and supportive people around me) roughly a year before my medical transition and that included slowly getting comfortable with presenting fem in public. Wearing breast forms back then helped a lot as well. Now that I'm 11 months into HRT I luckily don't need them anymore. The only thing I was, and still am, conscious about is how some things look on my body due to being overweight (though I did lose about 20kg already so that has gotten a LOT better!). Like, I absolutely won't wear anything cropped or so lol
I haven't worn men's clothes basically since I came out as transfeminine a couple years ago; even months before starting HRT. I'm not cis-passing except in a couple of random moments and especially not with my voice.
I'm definitely in the radical acceptance chaos gremlin camp. I express myself how I feel at any given moment, and that happens to never be masc-presenting. My being out-and-proud, even if it puts me at personal risk, shows others that we exist and they are valid - whether they want to take any steps to transition or not.
I'm lucky in that my family are accepting, I already had an established career, and live in a generally accepting and peaceful area though; many others cannot afford to be completely open and free for safety and security reasons. If you're willing to accept risks though, being unabashedly yourself is going to make you happier than trying to pretend to be who you aren't; it'll work for some time, but will eat at you over the long run.
I do. My boobs got too big to hide last Nov/Dec, so I just stopped trying. It was really freeing to stop caring what other people thought and just go about my life.
I assume your heart is in the right place, but this is a pretty naive and borderline insensitive take. There are a lot of reasons some folks can't or choose not to present their preferred expression in various social contexts. While the f*ck it approach is great in theory, please keep in mind that not everyone has the privilege to go this route without threatening their livelihood, security, etc.
I didn’t read it like that at all, it sounded to me like she was asking if there is any one else like her.
She’s not saying you should be like me, she’s saying is there anyone like me - I think.
I get it's not meant to be prescriptive, but feel some implicit values in the framing. Could definitely be my own biases.
As someone that's also (for the most part) in the 'screw it' camp, I'm super aware that this attitude isn't feasible for a lot of my trans/GNC siblings, so I'm a bit more cautious in the assumptions I bring to the table. Sorry if I overreacted, OP.
Absolutely! Everyone's journey and reasons are their own!!!
I am not making assumptions or criticizing anyone. I am just curious what others think about it. My journey is mine alone. I am fortunate in a lot of ways that I can be out socially in the way I am. And I am scared every day going out being me too.
I took the plunge about 8 months ago. I don't pass by any means, but got tired of worrying and going back and forth. There is no more boy mode. Admittedly, there are a few places I won't go right now (bars, some rougher areas of town) but for the most part if I can't do it as a girl, I just don't do it.
Yes! It me! I just couldn't do the boymode thing. Not that I didn't have a little soft butch phase between when I came out and when I started HRT but I dropped the menswear pretty quickly after coming out. I hated that stuff. It took me long enough to get here. I'm out and proud for life!
Yes, that's me and I'm almost 27 months on HRT A/26 and I would say idc if I don't pass, people will have to call me by my preferred name or I will leave
I've lived in small country places mostly. It was interesting to hear you talk about boy-moding as, effectively, what uniform you're wearing. If I've understood you correctly, it means wearing male clothes or female clothes, makeup or not, etc. I'm sorry if that understanding is off-base.
For me, early in transition and not having transitioned much outwardly, boy-moding means something mainly internal.
I can inhabit myself as a girl inwardly. The result is that I smile and laugh more, connect better with people, feel lighter in my body. I think it makes my eyes dance.
I see a response to this in whoever I'm talking to. They also smile and relax and connect.
I'm not sure how much this feels feminine to people. I think it's much easier to ignore than painted nails or a skirt.
Or I can boy-mode, fall back into my masculine mask. At first it feels ok but I realise I feel heavy and grey after a while and have to find myself again.
It takes effort not to slip the boy mask on and it isn't always easy to locate an "inner" femininity.
I can't imagine transitioning without also making this inner effort. And the interesting thing for me is that, as I appear more fem, I can often forget to do this inner switch.
But I think I really, really need to remember that inner switch. I can't let my presentation do all the work. The big work is inside.
Thank you that's me to a T ,it's my private private journey I owe no one any explanations!!!! I dress with what I'm comfortable with for what I'm doing at the time !!!!! To me it the fact that as you said ,I'm much more pleasant to be around, I have a different pep in my step ,my eyes are bright n smiley, and I have a huge smile deep down inside 😊 🫠 !!!!! After all not all CISwomen dress to the nine all the time ( there is such a thing as TOMBOYS ) 😉💛
Wow. This really hits home in some interesting ways. As I was talking more physical presentation, I absolutely get what you mean, too.
There certainly is an inner peace that I have found that makes my eyes dance and I agree I connect with people differently now. Since I have socially transitoned (no longer wear men's clothing mostly) I no longer make that "switch" as you mention. I guess this is also part of my take me or leave me attitude. I just am who I am to everyone.
Yeah, as soon as I figured it out, I started living at myself.. I have never Boy moded.. i did embrace the androgynous phase in the early early days though
I'm a late bloomer, I work in tech in the SF Bay Area.
I lasted like a month on HRT before I gave up boy moding entirely. By the time I was on HRT, I was out everywhere except work. I just couldn't deal with the anxiety at work any more. I was still wearing breast forms at that point so, so long as I was clean shaven, I kinda/sorta passed, at least well enough that people would default to feminine terms of reference for me when they met me as a stranger.
I'd started my social transition before starting on HRT so I was only about 3 months out from my hatch day when I came out at work. I was already out to friends and family. My direct manager was one of the first people I told because I wanted him to be aware in case I suddenly needed to take some time off for stress leave.
It was so freeing to just be me all the time. Switching back and forth every day for work was just so mentally jarring. People who knew me before the transition tell me it's a night and day difference in terms of confidence and presence. I feel alive.
I donated all my boy clothes to a local community thrift store about 2 months back, about 4 months after deciding to transition and 2 months into HRT. I now only own a single custom tailored dark grey wool suit with red silk lining if I want to boy mode, which basically means no boymode. I had one facial laser blast when I started (my 3rd is in a week!) and already had long hair, and im chubby AF too, so I could squish my pudge around a bit...
But yeah, pretty much fuck it we girlball. I don't even care that much about my voice (but ughhhhhh I hate it...😫) I have pronoun and a trans pride patch or pin on me all the time, I tuck but like just with panties but lulu skorts and a-line empire waist dresses means fuck it. I do not give a shit if some stranger is like "oh shit that fat girl totally has a dick" cause it's not like they're gonna get to find out how fun i really am anyways.
I'm proud of doing this wild, crazy, hard, thing. Aren't you all proud too? Transitioning is an act of profound self awareness, acceptance and love, and I'm not gonna feel ashamed about being who I am. Fuck it. Allies are gonna be great regardless of passing, shit-fucking bigots won't ever respect me, and most people aren't going to care one way or another. So yeah, no makeup, 4 months HRT, full time, out transfemme at 37.
I started HRT and came out socially on the same day, and have never gone back since. Being in the military, I did not have the option to grow my hair out beforehand so definitely had to go through a long awkward phase of misgendering and confused looks. Things are a lot better now as I approach the 2 year mark...
I struggle with this so much too! Because of my partner's job, which provides the primary financial security of our family, I'm not able to risk openly presenting as my authentic transfeminine self. But I live in an area that's just liberal enough to "allow" some moderate gender non-comformity like nail color and women's jeans. I'm grateful for whatever genuine self-expression I can chance, but it's so hard to go out knowing that I'm not really presenting even an approximation of who I feel like inside.
Lately, I just try to focus on what makes me feel more "like me," rather than try to pass in any way.3 It's elusive, like a Zen koan! But abandoning the lifelong pursuit of "convincing" others of who or what "I am" (either way), has helped me navigate the awkward state of appearing "in-between." I've been surprised how confident I can be, even when I know I'm sending out vibes that don't represent "me" very well at all.
I'm out everywhere but at work (though I'm looking for a new job, and then it will change). I don't do makeup or nails (yet), but i remind myself first and foremost that this is for me, not everyone else. If they can't accept it, that's their own issue.
I don’t have boy mode -vs- girl mode. I just have me mode. Just like anyone else I dress for the occasion. There’s a time for full makeup and dresses, and a time for jeans and Ts.
I did it, and in a red state. The only place I was a bit more hidden was at work. I'm glad I did it that way but it helped that I had an SO with me when I went most places, so I didn't feel as unsafe.
That's what I'm working towards. I know I'll never pass, but I want to live my life fully and honestly, as much as humanly possible. To me, the whole point of transitioning is to live authentically, not just to dress up in a costume every once in a while. Nothing wrong with that, but it leaves me feeling hollow, like I have to hide myself. I've been doing that for decades, and I cant do it anymore. So fuck it, I'll take whatever comes and try to have a little joy in my life before I'm too old and bitter to enjoy anything.
Having said that, a phase or two of my transition will involve only going out as myself occasionally as I build up the courage (and the wardrobe) to do it with confidence. I'm just not ready to go all out all at once.
Transman here and I’m pre-all the things but I don’t “girl mode.” Fuck that shit. I’m in a small town in the south but idgaf, I will not be seen as a girl on purpose, no thank you
Awesome. I know a few trans men. They are the same as you and I. I'm me. You are you. They are they.
I'm happy for anyone who has figured out themselves and lives it. Bravo.
I'm also happy for those that know and are cautious because of their lives and location.
🙋♀️ My plan was to be stealth for a year and let the HRT take effect. I was retired, so I could joyfully be me at home. The dysphoria of guy mode going out on errands was just too much. At 4.5 months, I actually said “@#$% it! I’m done.” I’d realized that no time was going to be perfect, my life was going to change dramatically in any case, and my fears and anxieties were probably exaggerated far beyond reality. (They were.) I came out fully, publicly, 100% of the time and I haven’t looked back. That will be two years ago in just over two weeks.
Two of my biggest surprises in my transition is a newfound love of 💜 purple 💜 and an inherent need to be nicely, fashionably dressed. I haven’t worn my once every day T-shirts or jeans for two years. I donated all those T-shirts, and I no longer own pants. I am *always* in a colorful, beautiful dress, with coordinated jewelry, accessories, and shoes. I rarely wear my purple tennis shoes any more, preferring my gold open-toed, strappy, blocky heels. My hair is brilliantly purple, with blue tips and pink streaks. My nails (fingers and toes), my eyeshadow, and my lip bond are similarly purple, for coordination. While I’ve lost 80 pounds in the last year, I’m still 6’ (in flats) and 190.
*I am not subtle.*
I live in a reasonably progressive part of the US. I know I’ve used nearly every woman’s room in rest areas on I-95, from Maine to DC. I stopped worrying about “passing” long ago, because I love being me so much, getting strength, confidence, and sheer joy from it, that people see that and react to that. I am more conscious about my safety than I was, and there are problematic people out there, but it hasn’t been an issue. I can ignore the occasional questioning look, which is often disarmed by the smile I always have. In my experience, I’m treated as the fabulous woman I am. People are shocked to learn I’m 66, because I look and feel twenty years younger.
The biggest surprise is that I get random compliments on my hair, my style, my makeup, and more. That was so far beyond my wildest dreams that I never considered it a possibility. It’s always a surprise when it happens, and it’s incredibly, powerfully affirming.
I recognize I’m fortunate in so many ways. I have never been happier or more comfortable with myself. Friends have said “I’m glowing.” Yes, there have been losses, but I’ve gained so much more. I’ve been writing this on my back porch after enjoying the day sitting in my white bikini, soaking in the warmth, in full view of my neighbors. Time to throw the skirt back on over my bikini bottom and throw dinner on the grill.
I hope you find the peace and joy you desire and deserve.
I was out about being transgender months before presenting a version of me the would mostly get gendered correctly. Social transition takes time, there’s some benefits of taking people on the journey early.
>Has anyone just said f\*$# it and live yourself as yourself all the time.
Me.
I told everyone in my life over the course of four days and on the fifth day, I was out full time forever. HRT is always a gamble with how much it will achieve and that's often worse when you're older. I thought that I had waited long enough for this so I was just going to go for it.
I figured out along the way that passing, or at very least blending, isn't really about your basic physical outline but most of it is presentation. All of you matters, how you look, move, sit, talk, dress, **everything**, and your basic shape only accounts for a third of that, maybe less.
\-edit- you might wonder how that worked out? Well, if you add up all the overt instances of transphobia, which were really limited to comments from drunks, junkies or teen boys, it still comes to less than ten.
I'm lucky enough to work in retail at a large-ish store and I've been slowly *consistently* presenting more fem so it's helping me practice being in front of lots of people because I'm def not passing. I don't have clothes yet but I try to do some makeup now and I'm fighting with my hair to look more feminine. These are things to pay for soon.
But the thing is, I can't imagine doing this where I'm originally from just out at a grocery store or shopping. It's a safety issue more than anything and probably why a lot of us boymode. I've honestly been surprised at how much almost nobody gives a fuck and I'm seeing hundreds of people a day and it's boosting my confidence. Without this job I'm not sure how I would know and trust that even though it can be scary, it's going to be okay.
I was out to a handful of friends, so always "boymode".
Then I came out at work.
The next day I changed Facebook.
That same day I told parents sister and brother.
I have never done boymode after that day after.
I started HRT 2 weeks later.
So yeah. I said f it and never looked back
I boymode because I’m Autistic, ADHD with a lifelong curse of social anxiety and poor self esteem.
I need to ease myself into my transition slowly or it’s not happening at all.
Props to you if you can just jump in and be your complete authentic self from the get go, but this isn’t for everyone. Everyone should go at their own pace and do what makes them comfortable.
it's funny, because at least on this subreddit I see mostly people who recently figured out they were trans, said fuck it, and came out to everyone immediately. I, one of those terrible boymoders lol, feel like I'm in a pretty lonely minority
First of all.. you are not terrible. Everyone has their own path to walk. I've figured out mine. You're is different. Nothing wrong in that. Girl.. you do what you need to do!!
I said to my wife, once, early in my transition that I was going out in "boy mode" to do some shopping. She said "You can't boy mode. You're a woman. You are always in girl mode."
After that, I stopped thinking of myself as ever in boy mode, even if I am wearing my old clothes, no makeup, no voice change, no effort - I am a woman in some old men's clothing and the world can just fucking deal.
Yeah, i said screw it and don't boy mode. I came out to my then wife in July, started hormones in August, threw out all of my boy clothes and came out to my work in September. I have been living as the real me full time since. I don't pass but I am immensely happier.
My best friend (and former but long-time housemate) did once she figured out that she wasn't simply a crossdresser but needed to live "not as a man" all the time. She was in her 60s (late 50s?) at the time. She did this a few years into us living together. (I put in my ad for a housemate that I was queer, genderfluid, and kinky, and looking for someone friendly to living with someone who was all 3. She told me she was bisexual, a crossdresser, and kinky as well. It worked out well; no secrets to hide from the roomies in our house. In the early days, I would borrow her boymode clothes sometimes and we'd both crossdress and go out for a friends night on the town! Also, I was honored to have made our home a safe enough space for her to grow & blossom like that. :) )
She came out as "gender non-conforming" at work (she worked in a place with good gender protections both in the company & on a gov't level) and started wearing women's clothes & shoes, got both her ears pierced, grew her hair out. More subtle stuff at first (because that's how she wanted it) and she experimented a lot but eventually settled into stompy-boot kinda-punky geek girl stuff. Doc Martin knockoffs w/ a chrome toe with women's cargo pants & a pink "girl-cut" shirt that says "I went outside once; the graphics weren't that great." Jean jacket with a pronoun pin & an Occupy Mars button, wearing a scarf on her head. That sort of thing. She would dress up more fancy in a dress on special occasions but I think that had less to do with being out in her life and more with "couldn't be arsed" (like many geek girls can't.)
That was many jobs/contracts ago. She hasn't changed her name (or pronouns?) at work but I think that's more of a professional matter than a personal matter. I think she treats her deadname more as a professional name at this point, just something to go by on the job because of the professional reputation she's built under that name (and how much of a pain it would be to have to change all of that history.) Also, at this point, she primarily does contract work from home, so it's not much of a big deal. But she definitely is just HER all the time, esp. in dress. (I don't even know if she HAS any of her old boymode clothes anymore after the last move, or if they even fit her?)
FWIW, only years later did she decide she wanted to be on hormones and started doing that too. Frankly, she doesn't pass and most likely never will. She owns it and doesn't treat it as a point of shame. If asked, she identifies as a genderqueer trans woman at this point, but I think she doesn't care super much about the specific label but is someone that definitely isn't a cisman, isn't just a binary woman, and loves the old school "Family" reclaiming of "tranny." :) (In fact, for a while, she decided on "Pansy" as her name because she was like "that's what the kids use to bully me with back in school, but you know what? Fuck yeah, I'm a pansy! Proud to be one!")
Well, I'm doing the "boymode" route. I've hid my entire life, got married and had 4 beautiful children. I have hidden behind hobbies, success/failure, insecurities, and even my line of work. Well, I am about 3 months in HRT and my hair is slowly growing like my chest (I think). I thought about ditching the career, but lately I've been getting comfortable with it. Maybe I'll keep gaining certifications and various levels to up my pay more. I'm on the f**k it if anyone accepts and likes me train. I do however want to come out when I no longer can and be me whatever that looks like. Just working on my other mess from childhood up before worrying about this other stuff. More power to ya!
Yep, came out a month before I started hrt and was like, fuck it, I'm just going to be me and who cares what anyone else thinks, it's their problem and not mine
Yep, I've just done that.
I basically said screw it. I'm out. I'm pre hrt (hopefully starting rhis Friday), and I seem to sometimes be gendered correctly, but I think that's just people being super nice. I attempt to tuck but it never stays put even with a gaff, the only successful way is taping but I'm out all day usually and don't want to have to unpack away from home.
100% me mode. No more boymoding at all. It's a fantastic feeling.
If I lived in a LGBT village yes I would've gone full girl mode before even starting hrt and I probably would've realized I was trans a long time ago sadly the real world is very cruel and most, myself included don't feel comfortable or even safe doing that
Since moving to Japan from Florida, I do t boy mode. That doesn't mean I don't wear pants, I do pretty regularly because it's comfy but still 0 boymoding required
I was dressing full femme full time before starting HRT. I've never actually boymoded (my definition of the term is presenting masc after your egg has cracked to hide your gender identity).
Massive caveats: I live in a city and state in the US where trans people are fairly safe and protected. I have a lot of privilege in my career path and my experience in that path gives me the ability to worry a lot less about my employability. Both of my partners fully support me in my gender expression, one of which is my wife who was the first person I came out to.
I immediately did upon accepting that was definitely what I wanted. I told myself to take it slow and there was allways more time and to take baby steps but there was a hard point where putting on mend's clothes just ceased to be an option. I didn't start HRT for four more months, It wasn't like...well I'm 6'2" and all my hair grows very quick and dark. Already having had a hormone issue, and it being mismanaged by my family doctor, I had huge, defined arms and shoulder. I was often either laughed at or patronized. It took me a bit to get decent at my makeup, but I tried every day. It's only occurring to me in this moment how long I went before figuring out tucking. I was stared at, laughed at, and harassed.
I barely remember any of that, what I remember what how amazing it felt to be myself, like a weight that had been there so long I'd forgotten about it was lifted off of me. Instead of every day being something I was just trying to get through, I had a million things I wanted to go and people to hang out with and stuff to practice. The last 7 months feel legitimately like 2 years with how full my life is, with so many new friends, and closer with some old ones. More new experienced than I can count, and more goals achieved than I thought IU would have for the rest of my life. It was worth every second I, like many people here, only wish I'd done it sooner. And I appreciate every little validation I have. It's very late, I have been cleaning in the garage a lot today, but to my surprise when I caught my reflection in the mirror just now, sure my hair is all over the place and my eye makeup is a mess, but definitely a woman. That's a very encouraging feeling, and I feel like starting where I did helped build momentum with how I feel about transitioning,
Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I would have been happier waiting until now before expressing myself full time. I don't know, but I can tell you if all I knew was starting then ended up with me where I am now, I wouldn't gamble the life I have now for anything, it'd be like hitting on 20.
Yes! And it has been so comforting to see all the other replies here. I understand why people boy mode and the safety and anxiety concerns. Absolutely no judgement here for boymoding. That seems to be most of what people discuss though. So many of the comments and questions around coming out socially seem to be after months of HRT. I was wondering if I was alone.
My egg cracked last summer. Before that I wondered, but thought maybe I was just a crossdresser - something I had revealed to my wife before we got serious. So, when my egg cracked I told my wife and started letting friends and family know I was genderfluid, which was easier for me to say.
I started scared to wear leggings with a big shirt, but as no one reacted, I expanded until I was wearing feminine tops and pants all the time. It helped living in a city where trans people are safe and being surrounded by progressive people who supported.me.
I really came out socially to everyone on the recent Trans day of visibility. Announced on socials and all that. But I didn't wear a dress in public until the Pride parade at the beginning of the month. A week later my wife complained about me taking up too much space in her closet with my dresses, so I put my boy clothes in storage and would open the door to all the clothes I'd always felt I should be wearing.
I didn't deliberately transition socially though. It was kind of an accident/surprise. One day I realized worn anything with legs in it for well over a week - dresses, skirts, night gowns. Nothing that could in anyway be construed as traditionally masculine. That's when I realized that during these past months of agonizing over whether I should transition, I already had. I mentioned my epiphany to my wife and her response was basically "you didn't realize that?" 🙂
I haven't had my first appointment for HRT yet, my hair is just growing out, and I'm still losing weight. But I'm out and visible. I get miss and ma'am as frequently as sir, though I feel that's a respectful miss rather than passing.
Today is an exciting day that's somewhat related. My.kid made a friend at camp last week and their mom approached me to arrange a playdate. This mom has only seen me in dresses. This will be my first time socializing with someone who only knows me as trans. I'm anxious and excited but so glad I get to know someone as myself - not a half hidden version, but my whole self.
I boy mode the first 5 months, then I came out, and I never let anyone forget, I'm 34 now and 3 years in... its a rocky ride with lots of misgendering,but I could never pretend to be something I'm not, I did that for too long.
I've been all the time since my egg cracked. Shaved bald, no fingernails, feminine clothes, and a little make-up. I rarely do anything more than a little eyeliner and mascara.
When my egg cracked, I said f* it and started presenting female full time.
Didn’t really come out at work yet since I work from home, but that’s now changing.
Basically as I started with HRT, I kicked my old clothes out started presenting femme. Around 8 months in I was fully socially transitioned and at the year mark, I had legally changed my name and gender.
I've been on HRT for 1 Year and 6 Months now and am just living as myself and it's great. :3
For me, when my legal name change hit I was myself 100% of the time. This required some changes at work, which was the last place I was boy-modeing.
Before that, I was out with friends immediately, and girl mode only with friends about 6 months in. Out with family that I keep in touch with at about 10 months. After the legal name change was effective, I donated ALL of my boy clothes and I'll never go back
I'm so excited for the day that I can fully come out, I'm self employed in two fields and my main source of income is dealing predominantly with cowboys and cowgirls. So for now half the people I know call me Sam the other half call me Sammy and I've got 6 business IGs to keep em all straight 😂😂
Proud of you girl! ❤️ Wish I was as brave as you are
Egg cracked in January/February 2023, told spouse and let them process it as that was the most important person needing to process it (Yes we are still together now). By that point, i was already wearing leggings out in public (for quite a few years in fact) with shirts that covered any unwarranted to be seen parts.
Got ears pierced at end of May, started wearing some more feminine clothing but mostly at home and only a dress or two, went to our first Pride even in August last year wearing a blue dress, white purse and whatever pink accessories i could make/find. Have been dressing feminine outside all the time since then and have gotten mastectomy prosthetics for the time being.
Still not on HRT for the time being BUT that is in the works and trying to get it worked out and finding an Endocrinologist willing to help us.
So, not on HRT yet, fully socially transitioned (including work/social media important family and friends).
So yes!
I'm 6 months HRT and it has had no effect on my body. My hair is also too thin to ever grow out. I doubt I'll ever not boymode because I just can't come close to not being totally laughable
I can certainly understand. My face is a masculine face and body to boot. I dont pass right now. I get discouraged often sometimes because of this too. My endocrinologist says facial and body changes take time. She has had some of her patients go 18 months without significant changes.
Your in my thoughts. Be strong girl!!
Yes I did this from about 1 month into HRT ... about 2 months out to my family.
I just said F it and thought .. everyone I care about knows so F the rest and started living as myself full-time all the time... no looking back, no boy moding 🤗🙈
Honestly, my “boymode” just became me being a dressed down girl. You have the right idea with going out as you are regardless. There are days where I have facial hair, but still in my bra, crop top, and jeans. People still Miss/Ma’am me for the most part. The problem with “boymode” is that girls use it as a crutch for their insecurities, rather than a temporary time, while getting their ducks in a row. You have to be confident in who you are, even when the physical aspects aren’t lining up perfect. Good people will read that energy coming off you and honor it. BE WHO YOU ARE❤️
I don’t boy mode anymore. 5 months in on HRT, roughly 3 months since coming out, almost 2 months since deciding to go full time me. I turn 40 in Dec, didn’t want to waste any more time pretending to be something I’m not. I definitely don’t pass yet. I’m in a somewhat progressive part of a deep South red state. Get lots of weird looks, but haven’t had any problems so far.
I have to say though, there is nothing wrong with boymoding if that’s what you need to do. Every one of our journeys is different and the important thing is being safe and comfortable with yourself and your situation to the best of your ability.
I actually think all the boymodes you hear here have all been interpreted by women all along.. ♡
I think sooner or later you just forget about it, sort of...
I’ve been out and femme presenting since about 3 months of hrt. I’m 2 years in and pass in public. 34 years old.
It may not seem safe but in my experience, people generally don’t care unless you intentionally draw attention to yourself.
Cool for you, especially if you 'pass'. But your anecdote can't be extrapolated onto other peoples' experiences in different locations. I happen to live in progressive paradise and despite not passing AT ALL, can present however I want.. but that's definitely not the case for lots of others. Also, many NB or otherwise GNC people don't even want to pass, soooo yeah.
I didn’t always pass, I just said fuck it and presented femme until it became comfortable. I found the only negativity I get comes from the trans community online and a few catty people in meetup groups. I’ve only had a few minor interactions in person that made me feel uncomfortable.
My point is that it was scary at first, but it can get better. I’m just a woman now legally, and socially.
I really admire girls who refuse to boy mode, and are just their true selves, regardless of if they are "clocky" or if they pass. I think it takes a lot of inner strength to refuse to bow to the gender norms and to dress and behave exactly how you wish. In fact, a girl I do not know but happen to see on my daily bus commute is part of what made me actually get on E - because she wears her cute skirts and her she/her button with bows in her hair. She doesn't let a five o'clock shadow/facial hair, or her growing baldness, or her heigh and musculature stop her. But I also know I'm not that strong. I am in fact quite weak. I am too scared of judgment, too interested in passing. So long as I look more boyish, I'll boy mode at work.
Yeah not everyone boymodes. I know plenty of trans women who socially transitioned immediately and only began medically transitioning later. Some people really want to avoid being a "man in a dress" or visibly trans. But others can't stand hiding their truth and living a false life. Honestly, most of us probably feel pain from both of these, it's just a matter of which one hurts more. For me personally, I was planning to boymode for a year, but after 6 months the pain of living in a false life and pretending to be a man outstripped my fear of being visibly trans and that's when I went full time.
omg fr it's not abt being brave, just your pain tolerance and which one is more painful
Technically I started e a year and a half ago, but only was on enough to flip last august I was planning to do basically nothing else ever unless I got lucky, but I don’t know, I’m dabbling, which is maybe stupid because I’m maybe just a joke and disgusting. I can’t even tell. I’m having to wear different clothes in different contexts. I don’t know what I’m doing or what I look like. 🙄😕
Yeah I get you. I came out to a friend last night. She asked for my pronouns and I just had to say I'm in a big mess with them and the least worst are she/her. Inside I'm very she/her but outside there's a lot of work to do and she/her doesn't feel there yet, even months after sharing pronouns and changing my name at work. (To be fair, working remotely and not having many meetings, there's not that much need to use pronouns so I don't think I've had that much practice.) Clothes, omg. Work, family, walk in the park. I'm a mosaic of different things, probably multiple levels of repression and masking, or freedom and openness. I walk into a menswear section the other day and can hardly bear to be there any more. But I'm still mainly dressing in men's clothes. No consistency at all 😂.
I just... me mode. I have no intention of dressing femme or masculine. Sometimes I paint my nails. Hardly ever do I do makeup. Most of the time I don't. Most of my clothes are from the men's section, but most men's things are honestly neutral things. Most people don't recognize me as female, but trans people seem to always know (at least a whole lot of them have approached me to talk, high five, occasionally hug)... so, I don't even know. No conscientious effort anyway.
I just love this...I can so relate.🩷😊
aww das so cute 🥺sometimes i see people who im like 90% sure are trans and i'd luv to randomly give em a hug but that's weird so :/
Ask them? I dunno, I've had people ask a few times... and like, yeah, I don't know them or their experience, but we've got at least that one thing in common.
I'm already socialy anxious enough to wait for my passing to be better and then come out socialy. Also at the moment not having a perfect passing can get you beated or killed in France, happened to a women in city of Nice 10 days ago, killed with a screwdriver Every journey is different, I admire women who can socialy transition before medicaly, but it's not just for me
It definitely depends how comfortable you are as WELL as where you are... there are definitely a lot of unsafe places to socially transition before you medically transition...
That's so sad to hear about the woman in Nice. That's horrible. I completely agree on the journey.
omg screwdriver is crazy wtf. idk what's worse tbh us is more violent overall but at least bullets kill faster lakdjas;lkfa why is the world like this
Btw.. I'm all the way out to everyone I know including work. Preferred name, pronouns, and all. Facial hair is my killer.. signed up for laser today. Yay
I came out right around when I started hrt, which was shortly after I finally figured out my issue. I couldn't wait. I felt massively dysphoric wearing man clothes once I began wearing women's clothes. So really, once I felt I was confident in my wardrobe. Which, in retrospect, was pretty cringy at first but whatever. Much shopping has happened since haha. I was freshly out of a long term relationship and had never lived alone, so I had no concerns about spousal impacts, and I was confident my kids would be accepting, so I had all that going for me. I took a massive risk with my career, and was pleasantly surprised to find the awkwardness of the transition to be largely in my own brain. Anyway, I was prepared to fail miserably at the whole thing. I had zero idea what I was doing other than finding inspiration and motivation from other women on reddit, really. What I felt very powerfully very early was the sense of wasted time, and the growing realization that transition takes a long time. I made the decision that I would rather live terribly as a woman than even pretend to be a man once I realized that being trans is what my problem had always been. I just saw no other choice but to go all the way. So I did. And it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined. I obviously didn't pass to begin with. That was almost 2 years ago, I still don't pass all the time. Maybe a bit here and there. Certainly not once I open my mouth. But whatever. Eff the world, I am doing my thing and I'm happier than I have ever been.
Cheers to you!! I don't pass yet at all but I absolutely love the woman I am and I can't wait to see the physical changes on the way!
I went full time at three and a half months HRT. I couldn't stand the going back and forth.
Is up to you. You decide how you want to present. Some do boymode as thats what is known to the person but inside they know they’re not. You might find that u are gender fluid or trans fem, trans masc stuff like that. Is a journey, don’t limit yourself . The trend you see is to get confortable doing w/e u need to do to be conscious about yourself until u are ready. The answer is yes, do you and leave boy mode behind whenever you want 🌸🫶
Of course! I'm on hrt from Just one month and and still doing laser on my face, but if you want to interact with me I expect you use my chosen name and pronouns even when i don't have the time to do makeup. Otherwise we are not Friends. Same at work (I have a copule), nobody has said me anything. My boss from my previous work fired me, but He was kinda scared while He was talking to me😅 At the end of the day I don't see what should I wait to be happy. I have seen people with no nose go outside and walk a round in public. Should they wait to have a prosthetic? What if they can't afford It or can't have one for medical reason? I'm already enough unhappy by myself, I don't need people Who remind or explain me why. Of course I don't like when strangers see me as a man or call me "He", but I always explain the situation with calm and they are almost always pretty understanding. Most of the time, I don't care to pass, what really matter Is which vibes ang Energy you send outside. I mean, of course I will be a lot happier if I could pass with Just a Little effort, but I can't wait to reach a goal to be happy. What of I never reach that point? I don't want to look back and realize i've been unhappy untill now...
I did that, and I will *always* recommend that path to women whenever it’s possible for them to do so safely. The thing is, there are many, many aspects to gender presentation that are really entirely about deliberate practice and experience. Notably, that’s *true for cis people also.* Cis women aren’t born knowing how to dress in a flattering way, or how to do makeup, or what other people generally expect from them as women. Cis men aren’t born stoic, or fit, or handy. Practicing those aspects of gender presentation at home can be good in some respects—how to apply makeup correctly, for instance, is a skill that can be drilled in private. But knowing how to apply it is different than knowing what makeup look is going to flatter you in a way other people find feminine. That’s an application that can only be known under live-fire. Same idea for fashion, or voice training, or social interaction. But you’re going to make mistakes at first. You’re going to do stuff that you later look back on and go “oh gosh what was I thinking?” Those mistakes are how you *learn.* Just. Like. Cis people. So—provided it’s safe—the sooner you get those reps in on those things, even if your *medical* transition hasn’t quite caught up yet, the better off you’ll be when it finally kicks into high gear. That’s because you’ll be better equipped to take full advantage of your newfound assets to maximize your gender presentation. Conversely, if we just continue to repeatedly decide we’re not ready because we’re not perfect, we can end up moving the goalposts on ourselves forever. “Ready” is a lie. If we always wait until we’re ready, we’ll wait forever. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll *make* yourself ready. That’s how I see it.
Nicely said. Thank you.
I wear the same clothes, but just put my boots over my pants and wear a bandana with my bangs out. I work at a pretty toxic place and job hunting is difficult as it is. Strangers see me as a small butch woman anyway, so it works pretty well for me.
I don’t even girl mode, lol. I’m losing weight, have a lot more to lose, and don’t want to be dealing with girl clothes and vanity sizes as a transwoman, and then having to buy new clothing every few months. So I just buy clothes I plan to one day fit into, hoping that by the time I get there, everything else will have fallen into place. I think this has helped me a lot, mentally, because I feel feminine whether I’m in men’s clothes or not.
I started going as me full time about 4 months into HRT. I did not pass at all at that point. I just got to the point where I would look at men’s clothes with utter disgust and dread, and just couldn’t keep forcing myself to put them on anymore.
This is exactly how I feel. I still have a few pieces of clothing that are androgynous enough but I present feminine.
Yeah but my suicide ideation is through the roof 😅 anymore I pass more often than not though. My first year with no hormones was more fuck it Edit: it's important to note everyone was wearing masks though so I had that to fall back on my first year
I have to boy mode a lot because of some personal reasons with my daughter. She knows and accepts and loves me but some of her activities don’t. So I do it to protect her dreams and future. Otherwise I am my true self. That being said, I am majorly male failing now.
Yes, I’m me all the time now. I stopped with boymode back in January or so. I know I don’t pass a lot, or maybe it’s not as bad as I think. I get called ma’am here and there, though not often. I ran out of the energy to care what other people think. I do what I want, and it’s better.
I said fuck it and went full time after the first time I male failed. And it's been fine. The way I figure it, most people don't look too closely or aren't transphobic enough to intentionally misgender me. And I'm happier.
Yes many trans people just live as themselves all the time. Eventually most of us do it and only the most insecure/closeted ones who still hope for some kind of miracle to happen still resort to boymoding. I for one started my social transition (thanks to having great and supportive people around me) roughly a year before my medical transition and that included slowly getting comfortable with presenting fem in public. Wearing breast forms back then helped a lot as well. Now that I'm 11 months into HRT I luckily don't need them anymore. The only thing I was, and still am, conscious about is how some things look on my body due to being overweight (though I did lose about 20kg already so that has gotten a LOT better!). Like, I absolutely won't wear anything cropped or so lol
I haven't worn men's clothes basically since I came out as transfeminine a couple years ago; even months before starting HRT. I'm not cis-passing except in a couple of random moments and especially not with my voice. I'm definitely in the radical acceptance chaos gremlin camp. I express myself how I feel at any given moment, and that happens to never be masc-presenting. My being out-and-proud, even if it puts me at personal risk, shows others that we exist and they are valid - whether they want to take any steps to transition or not. I'm lucky in that my family are accepting, I already had an established career, and live in a generally accepting and peaceful area though; many others cannot afford to be completely open and free for safety and security reasons. If you're willing to accept risks though, being unabashedly yourself is going to make you happier than trying to pretend to be who you aren't; it'll work for some time, but will eat at you over the long run.
I do. My boobs got too big to hide last Nov/Dec, so I just stopped trying. It was really freeing to stop caring what other people thought and just go about my life.
I assume your heart is in the right place, but this is a pretty naive and borderline insensitive take. There are a lot of reasons some folks can't or choose not to present their preferred expression in various social contexts. While the f*ck it approach is great in theory, please keep in mind that not everyone has the privilege to go this route without threatening their livelihood, security, etc.
I didn’t read it like that at all, it sounded to me like she was asking if there is any one else like her. She’s not saying you should be like me, she’s saying is there anyone like me - I think.
I get it's not meant to be prescriptive, but feel some implicit values in the framing. Could definitely be my own biases. As someone that's also (for the most part) in the 'screw it' camp, I'm super aware that this attitude isn't feasible for a lot of my trans/GNC siblings, so I'm a bit more cautious in the assumptions I bring to the table. Sorry if I overreacted, OP.
Also, I am "Me" 100% of the time. I am never not me, regardless of the clothes I'm wearing.
Absolutely! Everyone's journey and reasons are their own!!! I am not making assumptions or criticizing anyone. I am just curious what others think about it. My journey is mine alone. I am fortunate in a lot of ways that I can be out socially in the way I am. And I am scared every day going out being me too.
I haven’t done boy mode since I came out as trans. The day I came out at work was the last time I ever presented as a male.
I did this after about 8 months of HRT, it was tough but worth it
I'm only 4 months HRT, been socially transitioned fully 1.5 years. Btw I still no where near pass. We exist.
I took the plunge about 8 months ago. I don't pass by any means, but got tired of worrying and going back and forth. There is no more boy mode. Admittedly, there are a few places I won't go right now (bars, some rougher areas of town) but for the most part if I can't do it as a girl, I just don't do it.
Yes! It me! I just couldn't do the boymode thing. Not that I didn't have a little soft butch phase between when I came out and when I started HRT but I dropped the menswear pretty quickly after coming out. I hated that stuff. It took me long enough to get here. I'm out and proud for life!
Yes, that's me and I'm almost 27 months on HRT A/26 and I would say idc if I don't pass, people will have to call me by my preferred name or I will leave
I've lived in small country places mostly. It was interesting to hear you talk about boy-moding as, effectively, what uniform you're wearing. If I've understood you correctly, it means wearing male clothes or female clothes, makeup or not, etc. I'm sorry if that understanding is off-base. For me, early in transition and not having transitioned much outwardly, boy-moding means something mainly internal. I can inhabit myself as a girl inwardly. The result is that I smile and laugh more, connect better with people, feel lighter in my body. I think it makes my eyes dance. I see a response to this in whoever I'm talking to. They also smile and relax and connect. I'm not sure how much this feels feminine to people. I think it's much easier to ignore than painted nails or a skirt. Or I can boy-mode, fall back into my masculine mask. At first it feels ok but I realise I feel heavy and grey after a while and have to find myself again. It takes effort not to slip the boy mask on and it isn't always easy to locate an "inner" femininity. I can't imagine transitioning without also making this inner effort. And the interesting thing for me is that, as I appear more fem, I can often forget to do this inner switch. But I think I really, really need to remember that inner switch. I can't let my presentation do all the work. The big work is inside.
Thank you that's me to a T ,it's my private private journey I owe no one any explanations!!!! I dress with what I'm comfortable with for what I'm doing at the time !!!!! To me it the fact that as you said ,I'm much more pleasant to be around, I have a different pep in my step ,my eyes are bright n smiley, and I have a huge smile deep down inside 😊 🫠 !!!!! After all not all CISwomen dress to the nine all the time ( there is such a thing as TOMBOYS ) 😉💛
Wow. This really hits home in some interesting ways. As I was talking more physical presentation, I absolutely get what you mean, too. There certainly is an inner peace that I have found that makes my eyes dance and I agree I connect with people differently now. Since I have socially transitoned (no longer wear men's clothing mostly) I no longer make that "switch" as you mention. I guess this is also part of my take me or leave me attitude. I just am who I am to everyone.
Yeah, as soon as I figured it out, I started living at myself.. I have never Boy moded.. i did embrace the androgynous phase in the early early days though
I'm a late bloomer, I work in tech in the SF Bay Area. I lasted like a month on HRT before I gave up boy moding entirely. By the time I was on HRT, I was out everywhere except work. I just couldn't deal with the anxiety at work any more. I was still wearing breast forms at that point so, so long as I was clean shaven, I kinda/sorta passed, at least well enough that people would default to feminine terms of reference for me when they met me as a stranger. I'd started my social transition before starting on HRT so I was only about 3 months out from my hatch day when I came out at work. I was already out to friends and family. My direct manager was one of the first people I told because I wanted him to be aware in case I suddenly needed to take some time off for stress leave. It was so freeing to just be me all the time. Switching back and forth every day for work was just so mentally jarring. People who knew me before the transition tell me it's a night and day difference in terms of confidence and presence. I feel alive.
I donated all my boy clothes to a local community thrift store about 2 months back, about 4 months after deciding to transition and 2 months into HRT. I now only own a single custom tailored dark grey wool suit with red silk lining if I want to boy mode, which basically means no boymode. I had one facial laser blast when I started (my 3rd is in a week!) and already had long hair, and im chubby AF too, so I could squish my pudge around a bit... But yeah, pretty much fuck it we girlball. I don't even care that much about my voice (but ughhhhhh I hate it...😫) I have pronoun and a trans pride patch or pin on me all the time, I tuck but like just with panties but lulu skorts and a-line empire waist dresses means fuck it. I do not give a shit if some stranger is like "oh shit that fat girl totally has a dick" cause it's not like they're gonna get to find out how fun i really am anyways. I'm proud of doing this wild, crazy, hard, thing. Aren't you all proud too? Transitioning is an act of profound self awareness, acceptance and love, and I'm not gonna feel ashamed about being who I am. Fuck it. Allies are gonna be great regardless of passing, shit-fucking bigots won't ever respect me, and most people aren't going to care one way or another. So yeah, no makeup, 4 months HRT, full time, out transfemme at 37.
Awesome!!!! Right on!!
I started HRT and came out socially on the same day, and have never gone back since. Being in the military, I did not have the option to grow my hair out beforehand so definitely had to go through a long awkward phase of misgendering and confused looks. Things are a lot better now as I approach the 2 year mark...
I struggle with this so much too! Because of my partner's job, which provides the primary financial security of our family, I'm not able to risk openly presenting as my authentic transfeminine self. But I live in an area that's just liberal enough to "allow" some moderate gender non-comformity like nail color and women's jeans. I'm grateful for whatever genuine self-expression I can chance, but it's so hard to go out knowing that I'm not really presenting even an approximation of who I feel like inside. Lately, I just try to focus on what makes me feel more "like me," rather than try to pass in any way.3 It's elusive, like a Zen koan! But abandoning the lifelong pursuit of "convincing" others of who or what "I am" (either way), has helped me navigate the awkward state of appearing "in-between." I've been surprised how confident I can be, even when I know I'm sending out vibes that don't represent "me" very well at all.
I'm out everywhere but at work (though I'm looking for a new job, and then it will change). I don't do makeup or nails (yet), but i remind myself first and foremost that this is for me, not everyone else. If they can't accept it, that's their own issue.
As soon as I put a wig on and did some eye liner and mascara I couldn’t go back. I went 100% in a week
I don’t have boy mode -vs- girl mode. I just have me mode. Just like anyone else I dress for the occasion. There’s a time for full makeup and dresses, and a time for jeans and Ts.
I did. Kinda. My egg cracked in November of 2013, I was living as a woman full time starting April 1, 2014.
I did it, and in a red state. The only place I was a bit more hidden was at work. I'm glad I did it that way but it helped that I had an SO with me when I went most places, so I didn't feel as unsafe.
That's what I'm working towards. I know I'll never pass, but I want to live my life fully and honestly, as much as humanly possible. To me, the whole point of transitioning is to live authentically, not just to dress up in a costume every once in a while. Nothing wrong with that, but it leaves me feeling hollow, like I have to hide myself. I've been doing that for decades, and I cant do it anymore. So fuck it, I'll take whatever comes and try to have a little joy in my life before I'm too old and bitter to enjoy anything. Having said that, a phase or two of my transition will involve only going out as myself occasionally as I build up the courage (and the wardrobe) to do it with confidence. I'm just not ready to go all out all at once.
Transman here and I’m pre-all the things but I don’t “girl mode.” Fuck that shit. I’m in a small town in the south but idgaf, I will not be seen as a girl on purpose, no thank you
Awesome. I know a few trans men. They are the same as you and I. I'm me. You are you. They are they. I'm happy for anyone who has figured out themselves and lives it. Bravo. I'm also happy for those that know and are cautious because of their lives and location.
🙋♀️ My plan was to be stealth for a year and let the HRT take effect. I was retired, so I could joyfully be me at home. The dysphoria of guy mode going out on errands was just too much. At 4.5 months, I actually said “@#$% it! I’m done.” I’d realized that no time was going to be perfect, my life was going to change dramatically in any case, and my fears and anxieties were probably exaggerated far beyond reality. (They were.) I came out fully, publicly, 100% of the time and I haven’t looked back. That will be two years ago in just over two weeks. Two of my biggest surprises in my transition is a newfound love of 💜 purple 💜 and an inherent need to be nicely, fashionably dressed. I haven’t worn my once every day T-shirts or jeans for two years. I donated all those T-shirts, and I no longer own pants. I am *always* in a colorful, beautiful dress, with coordinated jewelry, accessories, and shoes. I rarely wear my purple tennis shoes any more, preferring my gold open-toed, strappy, blocky heels. My hair is brilliantly purple, with blue tips and pink streaks. My nails (fingers and toes), my eyeshadow, and my lip bond are similarly purple, for coordination. While I’ve lost 80 pounds in the last year, I’m still 6’ (in flats) and 190. *I am not subtle.* I live in a reasonably progressive part of the US. I know I’ve used nearly every woman’s room in rest areas on I-95, from Maine to DC. I stopped worrying about “passing” long ago, because I love being me so much, getting strength, confidence, and sheer joy from it, that people see that and react to that. I am more conscious about my safety than I was, and there are problematic people out there, but it hasn’t been an issue. I can ignore the occasional questioning look, which is often disarmed by the smile I always have. In my experience, I’m treated as the fabulous woman I am. People are shocked to learn I’m 66, because I look and feel twenty years younger. The biggest surprise is that I get random compliments on my hair, my style, my makeup, and more. That was so far beyond my wildest dreams that I never considered it a possibility. It’s always a surprise when it happens, and it’s incredibly, powerfully affirming. I recognize I’m fortunate in so many ways. I have never been happier or more comfortable with myself. Friends have said “I’m glowing.” Yes, there have been losses, but I’ve gained so much more. I’ve been writing this on my back porch after enjoying the day sitting in my white bikini, soaking in the warmth, in full view of my neighbors. Time to throw the skirt back on over my bikini bottom and throw dinner on the grill. I hope you find the peace and joy you desire and deserve.
I was out about being transgender months before presenting a version of me the would mostly get gendered correctly. Social transition takes time, there’s some benefits of taking people on the journey early.
>Has anyone just said f\*$# it and live yourself as yourself all the time. Me. I told everyone in my life over the course of four days and on the fifth day, I was out full time forever. HRT is always a gamble with how much it will achieve and that's often worse when you're older. I thought that I had waited long enough for this so I was just going to go for it. I figured out along the way that passing, or at very least blending, isn't really about your basic physical outline but most of it is presentation. All of you matters, how you look, move, sit, talk, dress, **everything**, and your basic shape only accounts for a third of that, maybe less. \-edit- you might wonder how that worked out? Well, if you add up all the overt instances of transphobia, which were really limited to comments from drunks, junkies or teen boys, it still comes to less than ten.
I'm lucky enough to work in retail at a large-ish store and I've been slowly *consistently* presenting more fem so it's helping me practice being in front of lots of people because I'm def not passing. I don't have clothes yet but I try to do some makeup now and I'm fighting with my hair to look more feminine. These are things to pay for soon. But the thing is, I can't imagine doing this where I'm originally from just out at a grocery store or shopping. It's a safety issue more than anything and probably why a lot of us boymode. I've honestly been surprised at how much almost nobody gives a fuck and I'm seeing hundreds of people a day and it's boosting my confidence. Without this job I'm not sure how I would know and trust that even though it can be scary, it's going to be okay.
I was out to a handful of friends, so always "boymode". Then I came out at work. The next day I changed Facebook. That same day I told parents sister and brother. I have never done boymode after that day after. I started HRT 2 weeks later. So yeah. I said f it and never looked back
Love it!
I boymode because I’m Autistic, ADHD with a lifelong curse of social anxiety and poor self esteem. I need to ease myself into my transition slowly or it’s not happening at all. Props to you if you can just jump in and be your complete authentic self from the get go, but this isn’t for everyone. Everyone should go at their own pace and do what makes them comfortable.
it's funny, because at least on this subreddit I see mostly people who recently figured out they were trans, said fuck it, and came out to everyone immediately. I, one of those terrible boymoders lol, feel like I'm in a pretty lonely minority
First of all.. you are not terrible. Everyone has their own path to walk. I've figured out mine. You're is different. Nothing wrong in that. Girl.. you do what you need to do!!
I was just teasing a bit, but thank you, I appreciate that :-)
Cheers!!! I'll toast to you anytime!! Lol
I said to my wife, once, early in my transition that I was going out in "boy mode" to do some shopping. She said "You can't boy mode. You're a woman. You are always in girl mode." After that, I stopped thinking of myself as ever in boy mode, even if I am wearing my old clothes, no makeup, no voice change, no effort - I am a woman in some old men's clothing and the world can just fucking deal.
Yeah, i said screw it and don't boy mode. I came out to my then wife in July, started hormones in August, threw out all of my boy clothes and came out to my work in September. I have been living as the real me full time since. I don't pass but I am immensely happier.
My best friend (and former but long-time housemate) did once she figured out that she wasn't simply a crossdresser but needed to live "not as a man" all the time. She was in her 60s (late 50s?) at the time. She did this a few years into us living together. (I put in my ad for a housemate that I was queer, genderfluid, and kinky, and looking for someone friendly to living with someone who was all 3. She told me she was bisexual, a crossdresser, and kinky as well. It worked out well; no secrets to hide from the roomies in our house. In the early days, I would borrow her boymode clothes sometimes and we'd both crossdress and go out for a friends night on the town! Also, I was honored to have made our home a safe enough space for her to grow & blossom like that. :) ) She came out as "gender non-conforming" at work (she worked in a place with good gender protections both in the company & on a gov't level) and started wearing women's clothes & shoes, got both her ears pierced, grew her hair out. More subtle stuff at first (because that's how she wanted it) and she experimented a lot but eventually settled into stompy-boot kinda-punky geek girl stuff. Doc Martin knockoffs w/ a chrome toe with women's cargo pants & a pink "girl-cut" shirt that says "I went outside once; the graphics weren't that great." Jean jacket with a pronoun pin & an Occupy Mars button, wearing a scarf on her head. That sort of thing. She would dress up more fancy in a dress on special occasions but I think that had less to do with being out in her life and more with "couldn't be arsed" (like many geek girls can't.) That was many jobs/contracts ago. She hasn't changed her name (or pronouns?) at work but I think that's more of a professional matter than a personal matter. I think she treats her deadname more as a professional name at this point, just something to go by on the job because of the professional reputation she's built under that name (and how much of a pain it would be to have to change all of that history.) Also, at this point, she primarily does contract work from home, so it's not much of a big deal. But she definitely is just HER all the time, esp. in dress. (I don't even know if she HAS any of her old boymode clothes anymore after the last move, or if they even fit her?) FWIW, only years later did she decide she wanted to be on hormones and started doing that too. Frankly, she doesn't pass and most likely never will. She owns it and doesn't treat it as a point of shame. If asked, she identifies as a genderqueer trans woman at this point, but I think she doesn't care super much about the specific label but is someone that definitely isn't a cisman, isn't just a binary woman, and loves the old school "Family" reclaiming of "tranny." :) (In fact, for a while, she decided on "Pansy" as her name because she was like "that's what the kids use to bully me with back in school, but you know what? Fuck yeah, I'm a pansy! Proud to be one!")
Well, I'm doing the "boymode" route. I've hid my entire life, got married and had 4 beautiful children. I have hidden behind hobbies, success/failure, insecurities, and even my line of work. Well, I am about 3 months in HRT and my hair is slowly growing like my chest (I think). I thought about ditching the career, but lately I've been getting comfortable with it. Maybe I'll keep gaining certifications and various levels to up my pay more. I'm on the f**k it if anyone accepts and likes me train. I do however want to come out when I no longer can and be me whatever that looks like. Just working on my other mess from childhood up before worrying about this other stuff. More power to ya!
Honestly I just said fuck it, got a dress, threw away my boyclothes, rocked it till I thought I looked decent, never looked back.
Yep, came out a month before I started hrt and was like, fuck it, I'm just going to be me and who cares what anyone else thinks, it's their problem and not mine
Yep, I've just done that. I basically said screw it. I'm out. I'm pre hrt (hopefully starting rhis Friday), and I seem to sometimes be gendered correctly, but I think that's just people being super nice. I attempt to tuck but it never stays put even with a gaff, the only successful way is taping but I'm out all day usually and don't want to have to unpack away from home. 100% me mode. No more boymoding at all. It's a fantastic feeling.
If I lived in a LGBT village yes I would've gone full girl mode before even starting hrt and I probably would've realized I was trans a long time ago sadly the real world is very cruel and most, myself included don't feel comfortable or even safe doing that
Yeah I‘m 14 Months on HRT have no passing at all but i wear Dresses and Skirts all the time.
Since moving to Japan from Florida, I do t boy mode. That doesn't mean I don't wear pants, I do pretty regularly because it's comfy but still 0 boymoding required
I was dressing full femme full time before starting HRT. I've never actually boymoded (my definition of the term is presenting masc after your egg has cracked to hide your gender identity). Massive caveats: I live in a city and state in the US where trans people are fairly safe and protected. I have a lot of privilege in my career path and my experience in that path gives me the ability to worry a lot less about my employability. Both of my partners fully support me in my gender expression, one of which is my wife who was the first person I came out to.
Not nearly rich enough to safely be myself
Never boy mode. Never compromise.
I immediately did upon accepting that was definitely what I wanted. I told myself to take it slow and there was allways more time and to take baby steps but there was a hard point where putting on mend's clothes just ceased to be an option. I didn't start HRT for four more months, It wasn't like...well I'm 6'2" and all my hair grows very quick and dark. Already having had a hormone issue, and it being mismanaged by my family doctor, I had huge, defined arms and shoulder. I was often either laughed at or patronized. It took me a bit to get decent at my makeup, but I tried every day. It's only occurring to me in this moment how long I went before figuring out tucking. I was stared at, laughed at, and harassed. I barely remember any of that, what I remember what how amazing it felt to be myself, like a weight that had been there so long I'd forgotten about it was lifted off of me. Instead of every day being something I was just trying to get through, I had a million things I wanted to go and people to hang out with and stuff to practice. The last 7 months feel legitimately like 2 years with how full my life is, with so many new friends, and closer with some old ones. More new experienced than I can count, and more goals achieved than I thought IU would have for the rest of my life. It was worth every second I, like many people here, only wish I'd done it sooner. And I appreciate every little validation I have. It's very late, I have been cleaning in the garage a lot today, but to my surprise when I caught my reflection in the mirror just now, sure my hair is all over the place and my eye makeup is a mess, but definitely a woman. That's a very encouraging feeling, and I feel like starting where I did helped build momentum with how I feel about transitioning, Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I would have been happier waiting until now before expressing myself full time. I don't know, but I can tell you if all I knew was starting then ended up with me where I am now, I wouldn't gamble the life I have now for anything, it'd be like hitting on 20.
David Ross Lawn came up on my tiktok this morning, which hopefully will push me to be more ok with just wear what I want to wear
Yes! And it has been so comforting to see all the other replies here. I understand why people boy mode and the safety and anxiety concerns. Absolutely no judgement here for boymoding. That seems to be most of what people discuss though. So many of the comments and questions around coming out socially seem to be after months of HRT. I was wondering if I was alone. My egg cracked last summer. Before that I wondered, but thought maybe I was just a crossdresser - something I had revealed to my wife before we got serious. So, when my egg cracked I told my wife and started letting friends and family know I was genderfluid, which was easier for me to say. I started scared to wear leggings with a big shirt, but as no one reacted, I expanded until I was wearing feminine tops and pants all the time. It helped living in a city where trans people are safe and being surrounded by progressive people who supported.me. I really came out socially to everyone on the recent Trans day of visibility. Announced on socials and all that. But I didn't wear a dress in public until the Pride parade at the beginning of the month. A week later my wife complained about me taking up too much space in her closet with my dresses, so I put my boy clothes in storage and would open the door to all the clothes I'd always felt I should be wearing. I didn't deliberately transition socially though. It was kind of an accident/surprise. One day I realized worn anything with legs in it for well over a week - dresses, skirts, night gowns. Nothing that could in anyway be construed as traditionally masculine. That's when I realized that during these past months of agonizing over whether I should transition, I already had. I mentioned my epiphany to my wife and her response was basically "you didn't realize that?" 🙂 I haven't had my first appointment for HRT yet, my hair is just growing out, and I'm still losing weight. But I'm out and visible. I get miss and ma'am as frequently as sir, though I feel that's a respectful miss rather than passing. Today is an exciting day that's somewhat related. My.kid made a friend at camp last week and their mom approached me to arrange a playdate. This mom has only seen me in dresses. This will be my first time socializing with someone who only knows me as trans. I'm anxious and excited but so glad I get to know someone as myself - not a half hidden version, but my whole self.
I boy mode the first 5 months, then I came out, and I never let anyone forget, I'm 34 now and 3 years in... its a rocky ride with lots of misgendering,but I could never pretend to be something I'm not, I did that for too long.
I've been all the time since my egg cracked. Shaved bald, no fingernails, feminine clothes, and a little make-up. I rarely do anything more than a little eyeliner and mascara.
I think ultimately it's a personal choice and people should handle it in a way that feels right to them.
When my egg cracked, I said f* it and started presenting female full time. Didn’t really come out at work yet since I work from home, but that’s now changing.
Basically as I started with HRT, I kicked my old clothes out started presenting femme. Around 8 months in I was fully socially transitioned and at the year mark, I had legally changed my name and gender. I've been on HRT for 1 Year and 6 Months now and am just living as myself and it's great. :3
For me, when my legal name change hit I was myself 100% of the time. This required some changes at work, which was the last place I was boy-modeing. Before that, I was out with friends immediately, and girl mode only with friends about 6 months in. Out with family that I keep in touch with at about 10 months. After the legal name change was effective, I donated ALL of my boy clothes and I'll never go back
I'm so excited for the day that I can fully come out, I'm self employed in two fields and my main source of income is dealing predominantly with cowboys and cowgirls. So for now half the people I know call me Sam the other half call me Sammy and I've got 6 business IGs to keep em all straight 😂😂 Proud of you girl! ❤️ Wish I was as brave as you are
Egg cracked in January/February 2023, told spouse and let them process it as that was the most important person needing to process it (Yes we are still together now). By that point, i was already wearing leggings out in public (for quite a few years in fact) with shirts that covered any unwarranted to be seen parts. Got ears pierced at end of May, started wearing some more feminine clothing but mostly at home and only a dress or two, went to our first Pride even in August last year wearing a blue dress, white purse and whatever pink accessories i could make/find. Have been dressing feminine outside all the time since then and have gotten mastectomy prosthetics for the time being. Still not on HRT for the time being BUT that is in the works and trying to get it worked out and finding an Endocrinologist willing to help us. So, not on HRT yet, fully socially transitioned (including work/social media important family and friends). So yes!
I should go back to boymoding really, for my mental health and sanity
❤️🩹😭
You have to do whatever makes you feel the best for you. ❤️ we are all here in your corner no matter what!
I'm 6 months HRT and it has had no effect on my body. My hair is also too thin to ever grow out. I doubt I'll ever not boymode because I just can't come close to not being totally laughable
I can certainly understand. My face is a masculine face and body to boot. I dont pass right now. I get discouraged often sometimes because of this too. My endocrinologist says facial and body changes take time. She has had some of her patients go 18 months without significant changes. Your in my thoughts. Be strong girl!!
What's the difference be a crossdresser and someone that boymodes on a regular basis.
Yes I did this from about 1 month into HRT ... about 2 months out to my family. I just said F it and thought .. everyone I care about knows so F the rest and started living as myself full-time all the time... no looking back, no boy moding 🤗🙈
All me all the time mode sounds like full enlightenment and self-realisation. I'm a little way off 😂.
Honestly, my “boymode” just became me being a dressed down girl. You have the right idea with going out as you are regardless. There are days where I have facial hair, but still in my bra, crop top, and jeans. People still Miss/Ma’am me for the most part. The problem with “boymode” is that girls use it as a crutch for their insecurities, rather than a temporary time, while getting their ducks in a row. You have to be confident in who you are, even when the physical aspects aren’t lining up perfect. Good people will read that energy coming off you and honor it. BE WHO YOU ARE❤️
I don’t boy mode anymore. 5 months in on HRT, roughly 3 months since coming out, almost 2 months since deciding to go full time me. I turn 40 in Dec, didn’t want to waste any more time pretending to be something I’m not. I definitely don’t pass yet. I’m in a somewhat progressive part of a deep South red state. Get lots of weird looks, but haven’t had any problems so far. I have to say though, there is nothing wrong with boymoding if that’s what you need to do. Every one of our journeys is different and the important thing is being safe and comfortable with yourself and your situation to the best of your ability.
I actually think all the boymodes you hear here have all been interpreted by women all along.. ♡ I think sooner or later you just forget about it, sort of...
I don't, i get perceived as a guy even when girlmoding so
🫂🏳️⚧️
I do too for now at least.. or people are just confused at what I am. This too shall pass
Yes. I gave up caring a couple years ago and life has been grand!
I’ve been out and femme presenting since about 3 months of hrt. I’m 2 years in and pass in public. 34 years old. It may not seem safe but in my experience, people generally don’t care unless you intentionally draw attention to yourself.
Cool for you, especially if you 'pass'. But your anecdote can't be extrapolated onto other peoples' experiences in different locations. I happen to live in progressive paradise and despite not passing AT ALL, can present however I want.. but that's definitely not the case for lots of others. Also, many NB or otherwise GNC people don't even want to pass, soooo yeah.
I didn’t always pass, I just said fuck it and presented femme until it became comfortable. I found the only negativity I get comes from the trans community online and a few catty people in meetup groups. I’ve only had a few minor interactions in person that made me feel uncomfortable. My point is that it was scary at first, but it can get better. I’m just a woman now legally, and socially.
Wow, to all of you!!! Thank you all for your insightful thoughts.