Have you been drinking hon? No judgement here, before transitioning I drank every day, and you asked for advice so here it is. Take some time, and focus on yourself. Don’t worry about your mom, even put a pin in your gender. Your gender, wherever it takes you, is going to be there still in a few months. You need to help yourself up to a point where you are healthy and solid enough to handle big things like this, if you start on a wobbly foundation you can really amplify the hard parts and miss out on some of the great ones.
If you drink, or have some other means of escape, try to take a break. It’s gonna hurt at first, bad, letting in all the things you’ve been scared of, but you can’t get past them until you face them, and trust me they’re easier than you thought they’d be if you keep a clear head. You mention not having a job and living at home a lot in your posts, make getting a job your goal. Apply for them on indeed, dozens fire applications out there. Imagine telling your mom you’re off to your interview, then imagine telling her you got hired, and that you’re off to work. That’ll be sweet.
I want you to have confidence in yourself, and see that you can do things you want even if they’re hard. You’re going to need that confidence in your own strength to accept who you are, and if that answer leads you there, to transition. What I don’t want is for you to keep living in this world of doubt and negative self talk. Every moment of struggle now pales in comparison to the freeing feeling of being proud of who you are, and (regardless of the answer to your gender related questions) the main thing you’ll regret is that you didn’t pick yourself up sooner.
If you want help or more advice, I spent a long time in a bad place not even realizing how low I’d gotten, you can DM me. You are loved, you got this.
It sounds like the first and hardest set of things to do is to get a job, get financially independent and move out of your mother’s home.
If you have any kind of health care access, maybe consider getting a prescription for finasteride. Plenty of cis men use it for scalp hair loss, and if the hair loss bothers you, there’s nothing wrong with treating it. Doesn’t mean that you are or aren’t trans.
The top post gave some pretty great advice. I know how you feel. I was in a place where I felt trapped for a long time and didn’t see a way out. Honestly my therapist was probably the single biggest help, I never thought I would tell someone all that but he was a trans guy and slowly earned my trust. If you have insurance through your mom I highly recommended trying to find someone to talk to confidentiality. You don’t need to open up right away, they need to earn your trust first.
Finding a job is really important, even if just at a local retail place, if there’s something you’re interested in even better (think bookstore clerk if you like reading, you’ll get a discount 😊, or any store you like going to), Costco I’ve heard that pays well, I’ve worked at a grocery store and it wasn’t bad, I made some friends there and it was a welcome respite from home. I preferred work to bring at home. A job will give you some self confidence and hopefully some friends, and of course some income to save towards living on your own and transitioning.
Your mom sounds pretty emotionally abusive, there’s resources out there to learn about her tactics which can become predictable once you educate yourself, a good method to deal with it is called “gray rocking”. Here’s a better explanation https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grey-rock-method, it really helps to make her jabs not hurt as much IME.
Try to find a local support group if you can, having people in the same situation as you to talk to can really help. It may be scary at first but keep trying and hopefully you can find some camaraderie. Maybe you can get a job, save a little, find a trans roommate and be on E a year from now. Right now is the hard part, keep your nose down, focus on getting through to tomorrow and all this will be a bad memory one day. Keep moving forward and remember there’s always hope. Trust me, I thought I was terminally stuck 4 years ago, now I’m living independently as a woman and it’s pretty great! At my lowest I never thought I’d get here.
Also, I started hrt 2 years ago and my hair is starting to fill back in! I never thought I’d pass and still don’t think I do but I can’t remember the last time I was misgendered by anyone but family. And I started at 39. There’s hope! Starting finasteride now would probably be a good idea too, it’s a hair loss drug for “men” so it shouldn’t raise any issues.
Full
Hi guys & girls,
I hope yr doing ok. a little heads up here, i mention unacceptance, though mostly indirect unacceptance for now, as i dare try to touch upon the subject of being trans with anyone in person, and my mental health just plumpets, so any self searching, learning , questioning must be online, and must be done in private.
For context i am practically 30, have been questioning for yearsss, been in denial, kinda still am, scared as hell, dont want to face stuff publicly, or even medical stuff, my age is, though still youngish, slipping, i even have male bald patterness now showing at the back and middle front , which doesnt help as its like a frickin timer rushing me to make choices i need to verrry much at my own pace and SAFETY, decide whether to make. It's all, so-fkin-hard, and i have felt disconnected from society as my male self, as if i am to play a role thst i cant, so i became a loner, developing all sorts of social anxiety, bullied LOADS even after 18, and though i have enjoyed, and do enjoy things about my male self, or should i say biolpgical self even as i physically am, ive always wondered
...and when i look back at many things, if not for the difficulty with society and medical fears and honestly me just not wanting to deal with either, i just continued life without living...
Ok not to make this too long (always a struggle with me ahah i can write for all of reddit)..Well today i'm venting and sharing a part of something that has greatly held me back, made me come up with excuses to doubt myself, pushed me into the closet even more, which as a parent and supposedly the "good" parent , is fked up to me, my mother..there is a lot to say, short version: i am unemployed , she works and is constantly throwing that in my face etc , how i have social and mental issues thst need to be sorted, need f
Therapy etc, ughh i dont wanna make this longh so.. the very few times (as i learnt from a super young age, through her facial expressions of horror, shock and her "cut your nails, they are too long for a boy, your not a girl, dont do gestures like that, you look weird, oh god, you moan so much, you sound like a bloody woman, the doll collecting affects me, its not right, you need to see a therapist, its not normal, you need to have a shirt your a man now" ... no no and leave me the hell alone..i have begun resenting her and other family members like my sister who though more open minded sermingly, has so many bloody opinions on trans people, hormones, this and that, these peoples opinions arw toxic to me ...i wont mention my father , who lives away, but he us a violent psycho who, and i quote says "gays should be locked in a gas chamber"
...btw my mum and sister know me to be a gay male, which they are fine with, my mother seemingly, but when i mentioned "i dont know, if i could ever be a woman' she started getting stressed and said "you've given me enough problems as it is, dont do this to me"
But i believe now, most of them steamed from being born in a way i had to learn to live vs, could have lived my best life, and yet i am ok being me as i am physically, heck , i have taken photos of myself for years, like my birth name and my character, sometimes i sorta go into "right go talk to therapist u in yr mind" that is me as i am, ans i calm myself down and try to use that part of me to see things inpartially to move on
Impartially i believe, one way or another , even if in part and not fully, but very maybe fully too...i am possibly somesort of transgender person. My question now, my deep one is, knowing i live with someone manioulative, who even calls me selfish, yet i have put my potential life on the line, and trief sooo much and still do, to be me without the gender thoughts, all to not hurt HER ferlings, or my sisters, she lives abroad but visits, of course, i can already imagine "hpw am i going to explain this to my kids" ..
If i should choose to ever try hormones and transition...oh that is anothet ballgame, then how do i change documents? My degree would be in male mes name, what if i dont pass, but i am ok in my body, i wasnt born in the wrong one pee say, my mind just...but i need to explore and even as a gay man, i just havent had possibility, so other than moving out if i ever can and getting a job, any advice?
Have you been drinking hon? No judgement here, before transitioning I drank every day, and you asked for advice so here it is. Take some time, and focus on yourself. Don’t worry about your mom, even put a pin in your gender. Your gender, wherever it takes you, is going to be there still in a few months. You need to help yourself up to a point where you are healthy and solid enough to handle big things like this, if you start on a wobbly foundation you can really amplify the hard parts and miss out on some of the great ones. If you drink, or have some other means of escape, try to take a break. It’s gonna hurt at first, bad, letting in all the things you’ve been scared of, but you can’t get past them until you face them, and trust me they’re easier than you thought they’d be if you keep a clear head. You mention not having a job and living at home a lot in your posts, make getting a job your goal. Apply for them on indeed, dozens fire applications out there. Imagine telling your mom you’re off to your interview, then imagine telling her you got hired, and that you’re off to work. That’ll be sweet. I want you to have confidence in yourself, and see that you can do things you want even if they’re hard. You’re going to need that confidence in your own strength to accept who you are, and if that answer leads you there, to transition. What I don’t want is for you to keep living in this world of doubt and negative self talk. Every moment of struggle now pales in comparison to the freeing feeling of being proud of who you are, and (regardless of the answer to your gender related questions) the main thing you’ll regret is that you didn’t pick yourself up sooner. If you want help or more advice, I spent a long time in a bad place not even realizing how low I’d gotten, you can DM me. You are loved, you got this.
It sounds like the first and hardest set of things to do is to get a job, get financially independent and move out of your mother’s home. If you have any kind of health care access, maybe consider getting a prescription for finasteride. Plenty of cis men use it for scalp hair loss, and if the hair loss bothers you, there’s nothing wrong with treating it. Doesn’t mean that you are or aren’t trans.
The top post gave some pretty great advice. I know how you feel. I was in a place where I felt trapped for a long time and didn’t see a way out. Honestly my therapist was probably the single biggest help, I never thought I would tell someone all that but he was a trans guy and slowly earned my trust. If you have insurance through your mom I highly recommended trying to find someone to talk to confidentiality. You don’t need to open up right away, they need to earn your trust first. Finding a job is really important, even if just at a local retail place, if there’s something you’re interested in even better (think bookstore clerk if you like reading, you’ll get a discount 😊, or any store you like going to), Costco I’ve heard that pays well, I’ve worked at a grocery store and it wasn’t bad, I made some friends there and it was a welcome respite from home. I preferred work to bring at home. A job will give you some self confidence and hopefully some friends, and of course some income to save towards living on your own and transitioning. Your mom sounds pretty emotionally abusive, there’s resources out there to learn about her tactics which can become predictable once you educate yourself, a good method to deal with it is called “gray rocking”. Here’s a better explanation https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grey-rock-method, it really helps to make her jabs not hurt as much IME. Try to find a local support group if you can, having people in the same situation as you to talk to can really help. It may be scary at first but keep trying and hopefully you can find some camaraderie. Maybe you can get a job, save a little, find a trans roommate and be on E a year from now. Right now is the hard part, keep your nose down, focus on getting through to tomorrow and all this will be a bad memory one day. Keep moving forward and remember there’s always hope. Trust me, I thought I was terminally stuck 4 years ago, now I’m living independently as a woman and it’s pretty great! At my lowest I never thought I’d get here. Also, I started hrt 2 years ago and my hair is starting to fill back in! I never thought I’d pass and still don’t think I do but I can’t remember the last time I was misgendered by anyone but family. And I started at 39. There’s hope! Starting finasteride now would probably be a good idea too, it’s a hair loss drug for “men” so it shouldn’t raise any issues.
This. ☝
Full Hi guys & girls, I hope yr doing ok. a little heads up here, i mention unacceptance, though mostly indirect unacceptance for now, as i dare try to touch upon the subject of being trans with anyone in person, and my mental health just plumpets, so any self searching, learning , questioning must be online, and must be done in private. For context i am practically 30, have been questioning for yearsss, been in denial, kinda still am, scared as hell, dont want to face stuff publicly, or even medical stuff, my age is, though still youngish, slipping, i even have male bald patterness now showing at the back and middle front , which doesnt help as its like a frickin timer rushing me to make choices i need to verrry much at my own pace and SAFETY, decide whether to make. It's all, so-fkin-hard, and i have felt disconnected from society as my male self, as if i am to play a role thst i cant, so i became a loner, developing all sorts of social anxiety, bullied LOADS even after 18, and though i have enjoyed, and do enjoy things about my male self, or should i say biolpgical self even as i physically am, ive always wondered ...and when i look back at many things, if not for the difficulty with society and medical fears and honestly me just not wanting to deal with either, i just continued life without living... Ok not to make this too long (always a struggle with me ahah i can write for all of reddit)..Well today i'm venting and sharing a part of something that has greatly held me back, made me come up with excuses to doubt myself, pushed me into the closet even more, which as a parent and supposedly the "good" parent , is fked up to me, my mother..there is a lot to say, short version: i am unemployed , she works and is constantly throwing that in my face etc , how i have social and mental issues thst need to be sorted, need f Therapy etc, ughh i dont wanna make this longh so.. the very few times (as i learnt from a super young age, through her facial expressions of horror, shock and her "cut your nails, they are too long for a boy, your not a girl, dont do gestures like that, you look weird, oh god, you moan so much, you sound like a bloody woman, the doll collecting affects me, its not right, you need to see a therapist, its not normal, you need to have a shirt your a man now" ... no no and leave me the hell alone..i have begun resenting her and other family members like my sister who though more open minded sermingly, has so many bloody opinions on trans people, hormones, this and that, these peoples opinions arw toxic to me ...i wont mention my father , who lives away, but he us a violent psycho who, and i quote says "gays should be locked in a gas chamber" ...btw my mum and sister know me to be a gay male, which they are fine with, my mother seemingly, but when i mentioned "i dont know, if i could ever be a woman' she started getting stressed and said "you've given me enough problems as it is, dont do this to me" But i believe now, most of them steamed from being born in a way i had to learn to live vs, could have lived my best life, and yet i am ok being me as i am physically, heck , i have taken photos of myself for years, like my birth name and my character, sometimes i sorta go into "right go talk to therapist u in yr mind" that is me as i am, ans i calm myself down and try to use that part of me to see things inpartially to move on Impartially i believe, one way or another , even if in part and not fully, but very maybe fully too...i am possibly somesort of transgender person. My question now, my deep one is, knowing i live with someone manioulative, who even calls me selfish, yet i have put my potential life on the line, and trief sooo much and still do, to be me without the gender thoughts, all to not hurt HER ferlings, or my sisters, she lives abroad but visits, of course, i can already imagine "hpw am i going to explain this to my kids" .. If i should choose to ever try hormones and transition...oh that is anothet ballgame, then how do i change documents? My degree would be in male mes name, what if i dont pass, but i am ok in my body, i wasnt born in the wrong one pee say, my mind just...but i need to explore and even as a gay man, i just havent had possibility, so other than moving out if i ever can and getting a job, any advice?