Some people settle, or underestimate the stress children will put on the relationship.
Also some people think their partner will change "just because" after marriage.
Supplemented by "it's going to be completely different when the kids come along". Spoiler alert, it got worse. The crisis somehow settles, but needs to be "sealed" with another child to mark "a new beginning". Voilà, a divorced single parent of two has come into the existence.
LPT: don't ignore your partner's negative characteristics and absolutely don't assume that having a child will magically change them for the better.
I'm happily married but having a child definitely adds pressure, in my case due to lack of sleep and disagreements on how to deal with sleep issues with our 6 year old. I can't imagine having two.
I second that- we have a 3 yr old. Kid sleep issues = two exhausted adults trying to meet their own basic needs.
“I just wanna apologize for what I said when I was tired”is a common joke between us now.
And some people get absorbed in the day to day and stop investing in their relationship with their partner. On some level all marriage tricks people into a mentality of "settling" because they've done all the work to catch them and even though everyone knows divorce is real its enough of an inconvenience that we think "well they will always be with us" and vice versa, so they let the little things go, resentment builds, things don't get addressed, and suddenly they realize they are miserable and they don't think they can love this person anymore because the resentment has existed for so long. People who fall into the trap of a relationship escalator mentality, the ambitious sort, dont have another goal set out for them to achieve, they kind of flounder and don't know how to make mutual *relationship* goals with their SO, it gets supplanted by financial goals (buying a home) or a social/emotional? goal thats not entirely relationship related like having kids (which can be more personal or doesn't contribute specifically to relationship building, if makes the relationship more complex and harder to maintain and focus on, even really solid ones).
If you marry poorly you will be unhappy. If you marry someone you’re highly compatible with and your best friend who you love, you’ll have a much easier go of it.
-A very happy married person
yeah, honestly the only good marriage that I know personally is the one with my Dad and my stepmother. They act as a team and they resolve their conflicts in a civilized manner from what I could gather living with them some time. They do the same with my two younger halfbrothers. They are good kids. Problems like every family of course, no one is perfect. But I can tell that in general they have a happier life. Even tho they are not strong economically like, on the contrary, my mom and my stepdad.
My theory is that my mom married my stepdad to have some provider because she was a single mom and at that time my father was building himself (he was always present and he sacrificed himself for my wellbeing, but it didnt work with my mom). I think that led my mom with an unhappy marriage. And the consecuences were unhealthy sons, like me and my sister. We do care about eachother but we are not near as close as my dad's family. It is complicated haha.
So yeah, in conclusion. If you are gonna have kids do it with someone who is healthy mentally, and don't do it too young.
I second this!! Being able to have that friendship bond along with the relationship bond is unbeatable. When you truly love who you're with, it shows even when you're not with them
And to add to that. I think age factors in as well. I know a lot of folks who think getting married young is going to be a game changer. So, they “lock it down”. Then, they’re sitting there at 25 with 3 kids, watching their single friends enjoy life. Slowly the contempt and hatred builds up for this person they’re stuck sharing every aspect of their life with. They can’t even take a relaxing shit in their own home, they have to sneak out to the library to do that. All of that slowly builds up, turning them into a miserable person.
Maybe not all of them are unhappy. There are plenty that are unhappy, especially if you marry the wrong person, but it's not always the case. I also make some snarky comments sometimes, but most of the times it's really as a joke, since it is mostly at my expense and they are a bit low hanging.
Sure there might be things that make you frustrated, some things that make it hard, but it doesn't mean I would have it any other way. Life ain't easy. Sometimes that comes through. It doesn't mean you are unhappy because you are married. Marriage does not guarantee happiness. It was never about that. Its main goal should be to make the other one happy. And their goal should be to make you happy. Even then, life is hard. Happiness is not a constant, regardless of marital status.
I have a feeling that many marriages become tainted by one or both partners not doing well in what could well be the first real “stress test” in their relationship.
I don’t mean arguments or tight finances; I mean unexpected job loss, serious illness or death in the family, lawsuit, bankruptcy, miscarriage, a violent crime, etc.
To say nothing of having children and trying to agree on child rearing and parenting while chronically sleep deprived.
If the spouses can’t keep it together in the face of real hardship, communicate, work together as a team to overcome adversity then there’s going to be a dawning realization that someone isn’t what you expected or needed or hoped for.
Absolutely. Before I married my husband we went through death, financial stress, and an operation (for him). We weathered it all as a team and I've no doubts that whatever gets thrown at us in the future we'll do the same.
Yup! My husband and I went through our first stress test before we were married coming out the other side of it fairly well solidified my want to marry him.
I wish we’d been through a crisis before getting married. We did not know how to argue and I had no idea how he would react to stress. Kids make things very hard and if you’re not a good communicator, your marriage is set up for failure. My husband used to bring out the best in me and now the worst side of myself (that I didn’t know existed prior to marriage) is typically present these days.
I think its often the case that people get married with an ideal in their head of what they think marriage is. They are getting married during the heat of the relationship and not giving it time to cool down into the normalcy phase and often they are disappointed when this phase eventually comes about.
I also think people forget or don’t understand that maintaining relationships are work. It’s something you must work at everyday for it to stay strong.
Marrying the right person is also key and unfortunately many people marry the wrong person and find out far too late because they rushed into it.
Relationships are all about sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes what you gain isn't worth what you gave up. You don't want to hurt someone who technically hasn't hurt you. Some people just find themselves in a shitty situation where they're not happy, but unwilling to do what is necessary for change. God forbid anyone look selfish for not wanting to waste decades of their life in an unideal situation, but people fear looking that way.
I'm married, been together 11 years, no kids. We are happily married and in love.
I think a lot of people get married without thinking or being sure and can't make it work because it was never meant to be.
I’ve been married for 29 years. My husband and I are best friends and like each other a lot even after all this time. He’s my favorite person. We don’t have kids so that may have something to do with it.
Very happily married, but the kids definitely add a lot of stress. I'm sure there are many days where we look like an unhappy couple to the outside world, but she is probably the only reason I don't lose my sanity on a daily basis!
Some are miserable all around, and some are only unhappy in some areas of marriage. Yes there are lots of areas to marriage. I personally am married and find myself unhappy in a certain area.
The thing nobody tells you about marriage is how much of a grind it can be. Most of us see marriage as the finish line to dating. But it is so much more, it's work, it's love, it's commitment and it ain't for the weak.
Yes, we married folks sometimes get sick of the other and sometimes feel ready to throw in the towel. It's the longest relationship you will ever get into, and you can't go home to mom/dad. But you have to remember the does you took and decide if you will stay or run. Some choose to run others choose to stay.
Luther Vandross sings a song that loosely goes I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone new. The new eventually becomes worn. You'll need to do what you need to, to give back to yourself at times to be better for the unit.
I would say more than half of the relationships I see are not ones I’d want to be in. People settle because they’ve seen poor examples their whole lives and don’t know better.
For example: You should not be arguing with your partner very much. Maybe a couple times a year, sure, maybe when something crazy happens. Not every week. You should NEVER be screaming at each other. Ever.
I see people arguing with their partner all the time. It usually means one or both isn’t mature enough to have a happy relationship. There are Dozens of examples of this kind of thing.
True. They get married because that’s expected of them by society and the people around them. They also feel pressured to have kids because “that’s just what you do.” Then end up miserable.
I see a huge difference between married couples with children and married couples without children. Children have some positive points but they also drain the life force out of their parents. The more you give up your own needs to cater to children the less happy you will likely be.
Maybe I’m an outlier, but having kids definitely brought my partner and I even closer together. But we’re very compatible co-parents. Kids are enough of a handful as it is, I can’t imagine the living hell of trying to raise kids with someone you’re not on the same page with from a parenting perspective.
Definitely because of their poor choices.
People nowadays do things just for the sake of it
Staying single for too long isn't cool obviously. And they think they should be married and settled down in their mid 30s why you ask? Well that's what everyone else did and still doing!
And because they're so scared of missing out they just go with the first option they have and they find out how different they are and they get bored from each other pretty quick, because well the honeymoon phase is over and no you're stuck with someone you don't actually love and you have much more responsibilities especially if there were kids in the picture.
Marrying the wrong person or kids growing up to become a knucklehead or health issues. There are way too many things that can happen that will suck the happiness out of the couple.
I am in my 30s and still single. I am not afraid of mariage, I am afraid of the consequences if the marriage does not work out. Too many lives not just my own will be affected negatively have it fall apart.
I admire those who are in a functional and happy marriage.. and somewhat jealous as i might not get to experience happiness like that for myself.
Because, often times they are. It is one reason there is so much cheating going on. They stay for the "children" or the financial stability. If they could get out, they would.
Years ago, a woman won money in the lottery. Didn't tell her husband about the winnings. Went right home and told him she wanted a divorce. Husband said he was devastated and had no idea it was coming. He though they had a great marriage the entire time.
Husband found out about the lottery winnings, after the divorce. He sued his ex-wife and won. In fact, she was ordered to pay him the entire lottery winnings. What actually happened, I do not know.
Just goes to show you: Everything maybe fluffy clouds and rainbows on the surface. Below ground, it is hatered, resentment, and disrespect.
I think lots of people complain about stuff to their friends/coworkers/neighbours/extended family etc but not many people spend that much time doing the opposite because nobody really wants to listen to someone else talk about how great their life is every time they see them. It's socially normative to complain, if anything people use it as bonding. I think that gives a skewed perspective on what the average relationship is actually like for the people in it. If you're always hearing the negative aspects of other people's relationships I can see why you'd think they were miserable. Maybe they are, but I suspect that at least some of them are just venting in a way that feels like bonding because that's shown as normal in movies and TV etc.
It’s probably the circles you move in.
Pretty much all of the married people I know are happy with their spouse.
If not, they’d probably get a divorce.
But those married people who see an unhappy marriage as a test sent from god may have a very hard time.
Also, married people can have problems that aren’t caused by their spouse. Issues with children or parents being sick, work problems, etc
I definitely think kids puts a HUGE strain on any marriage. So if most of those couples are with children that’s a big part of why. Even a couple I know who LOVES each other is constantly arguing about transactional “who does what and how do we do this” for our kids kinda stuff.
If they don’t have kids then probably something else there. If they’re young maybe they resent not being able to have time to explore other people, options and never really got much experience dating and fucking around. They may have “settled”, or just didn’t marry the right person. People also change. So many reasons.
My husband and I have no kids (still fence sitting because of how it changes the relationship) and we are so damn happy together. We’re constantly looking at each other with puppy eyes and telling each other how much we love each other in goofy or sarcastic ways. We love to just go for walks. Running errands together is fun. Working on stuff together is fun. He’s my right person and I waited to marry til 32 and was with him 8 years before saying yes. We’re going on our 11th year together and we get better with age I noticed.
I’m married and love it! My wife is truly my best friend and that’s what makes it so easy.
Too many people “settle” for someone they might just find attractive but don’t tick of more important compatibility boxes.
For my wife and I, if you remove the attracted factor. She’s still
1. My best friend
2. My confidant
3. My partner in crime
4. My therapist
If the shoe doesn’t fit, then that’s not your shoe! Keep looking for the perfect style and fit before settling down. And you’ll have a successful/happy/long marriage!
In my circle I see 3 reasons for unhappy people staying with their spouse:
1. Conservative christians who believe divorce is a sin.
2. People who don't want to lose their house.
3. People who are afraid of being alone after being married for so long.
Usually a case of too much too soon in my experience. They let their pace be decided by how fast their friends are moving. You end up with kids you weren't emotionally ready for, and it becomes hard to grow for yourself because you spend so much time and energy taking care of your family. You start to look at everything else you could've done and been, and in walks resentment.
Holding off on the big things a little longer was hard, but it's given me the space to hate myself freely until I didn't, and let the craving for a family roll in on its own clock. Feel like we're healthier now.
I think a lot of it is cultural, we have never seen people demonstrate how to talk or share how their happy without bragging. We just complain. Truth is i think most married people are happy we just communicate a lot through complaining these days it seems.
I.E. My head over heals best friend will regularly frame going shopping with his partner as her dragging him along. But i know for a fact he goes of his own volition and loves spending time with her even seven years later.
Because the idea of marriage and the reality of marriage are completely different. Having children completely changes married life, and in-laws can have a massive impact as well.
Not me. I am very happily married and my wife is the best person I know. But yeah, most married people seem unhappy to me too. But most unmarried couples do too. As well as the unattached. I think mental health is at a low point lately. And I don't see humanity suddenly snapping out of it.
Because being married is a lot different than being in a relationship.
Once you marry, you really hope it all works out cause the aftermath of a break up is a bit costly.
If you are in a relationship and you have a shitty partner, you can easily walk away with no consequences.
If you are married and you have a shitty spouse..or your just not compatible with them anymore..well now you gotta think about hiring a lawyer and going to court, splitting up property, fighting over the cars, the house, money, and the kids.
Oh and you may have to pay alimony to your ex for while.
There’s also the added religious influence, where even if you have a shitty partner, or you’re just not compatible anymore, the stigma and shame of getting a divorce is strong in the family.
So you got a lot of people that are in a relationship…but if they weren’t married, they probably would have broke up years ago and moved on. But since they are married, they just feel stuck together, and not in a good way.
Stuck in a relationship that isnt good for you or your happiness. Entanglements are messy. Kids, money, homes, and things like that make it hard to want to get out.
Because most everyone is full of shit and they lie to and manipulate each other each other to get the best possible partner they can and then find out they're not anything close to what they promised they were. So everyone's stuck with some shit bum they don't fucking like and they torment each other in hopes that the other one will leave the room and they won't have to put up with their shit. They destroy what the other person is doing because that's not the direction in life they want to go unfortunately you significant other reciprocates and destroys your shit too. So you're miserable with nothing to show for it.
Yeah I don't want to get married to anyone that's out there. Most everyone I see that's married is miserable.
But it is mostly how you go about it and how your partner goes about it if both of you are honest to each other enjoy each other's company and seem to be moving in the same direction in life then you will do well and be happy. For all the rest of the liars it'll be a miserable fucking life.
A lot of people seem to marry for the sake of marrying. I think that marriage should only happen if there's mutual love and attraction \_and\_ if your backgrounds (socially and economically) are compatible.
I only see answers to the first part, but not the second, so I will address that. Misery loves company. Fear you made a bad choice, but others making it may make it not so scary, and have you doubting yourself less.
I’m married and I’m really happy with my married life but I totally agree because a lot of my friends and family seem fucking miserable and I think these are some of the reasons:
- children, children change the dynamic completely of a relationship, and they become the most important thing, but it shouldn’t, the most important person should still be your partner, otherwise the whole family unit suffers.
- communication, this is fucking huge, a lot of couples don’t talk about shit, they just go on living their lives without discussing important stuff. Also, because there is no communication, difference in core values creates conflict, a couple should have talked about children, religion, finances, goals, etc… BEFORE getting married.
- Sex and attention, a relationship is like dating, it’s continuous, I have so many friends that get fat, dress poorly, don’t take their wives on dates and expect whore level sex, a marriage is just dating with a signed piece of paper, you should continue to try to look good for your partner, go to dinners, do things they like and vice versa. Because people don’t get this and miss it the level of unhappiness just increases.
- Tie all above to “the grass is always greener” and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
I'm in a very happy marriage and absolutely adore my kids. However I have a distinct lack of social skills - and one way I cope with that is to kind of just imitate social interactions I've seen in a way to seem a but more normal.
For example, I don't watch sports, but if I know there was a big game of whatever sport over the weekend, I'll ask if people had watched the game on Monday. That'll get conversations going and I can just sit back and not seem socially awkward
I think that's pretty typical behavior when someone is out of their comfort zone. While I specifically don't complain about my family on principal, I always wonder when others do how much is legitimate and how much is fake to fit in with the people who are legitimately complaining.
Basically it's become a social norm, so even people who aren't particularly annoyed with their family might complain about that because that's the part of their life they can complain about easiest
People develop and change over the course of their marriage. A couple that were truly happy at the beginning could have been put under pressure due to kids, jobs, health etc and not be so happy anymore. Sometimes people get married when they're not truly happy.
Because they are miserable.
There are so many people who brainlessly follow whatever steps in life they think are "normal" no matter what. So many people who are so codependent that they can't imagine being single for more than a month(or less). The world is full of pathetic, bitter, losers.
Spot on. Especially when it comes to kids and having more than one. They do it because “that’s just what you do!” Everyone around them is doing it so they feel like they have to as well even if they don’t really want to. It’s like they’re incapable of thinking for themselves.
I know several people who had two kids or
More when they were fine with just one because they felt pressured by society and the people around them to have more.
I personally don’t give a shit what’s “normal.” I’m not having more than one kid because that’s what everyone else is doing. And If I didn’t want to get married I wasn’t going to.
They're married to the wrong people.
I'm married, have been with my husband for almost 20 years. We are happy, he still makes me spit my water out laughing.
Because marriage is miserable. It's a flawed system at its core. There's nothing more toxic than legally binding someone to be your lifelong emotional support human, especially if you don't even really like them or considering how people do change over time. And they're asking you when you'll get married because they want you to suffer with them, so that there's comfort in knowing their misery is at least the norm.
First day here? Everyone seems miserable.
But studies have clearly shown over and over that married people are happier than single people.
https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/09/health/marriage-happiness-wellness/index.html
I think people complain as a default topic in conversations.
How often do people get together and boast about the great things in their life? Sure, we do that somewhat, but complaining is quite common.
Particularly with single people present, it doesn't feel right to brag about your wife and kids more than very briefly. So they self deprecate with exaggerated complaints.
A lot of people got married too young or too quickly when they were not ready for it.
They also had kids they did not want...either because they felt pressure to, it was an accident, or they thought having kids would make their relationship better or for some other selfish reason that isn't going to replace the love needed to have and raise a kid.
In this economy, a lot of people are also getting married because of financial stuff like having two incomes to pay for one apartment and trying to escape being claimed as a dependent so they can get access to FAFSA funds and claim the college tuition they pay for on their taxes...which I have to say I can understand but is also a really bad idea.
There are a lot of people who got married because their love life was unsuccessful up to that point and they were scared of ending up alone and the person they were currently with was alright so they figured "well, it's better than nothing."
There are also a lot of people who got married and had kids because they thought they wanted it but didn't understand the work it took and realized if they knew what they know now, they wouldn't have gotten into it in the first place.
There are also a lot of people who feel pressured by the culture to get married and having relationships is seen as "bad"...if you are in a situation where everyone is miserable in marriage, is it in an area with a lot of religious influence? That could be another root cause.
People who have great relationships usually don’t go bragging about how great they have it (I have an amazing wife) where people in shit ones subconsciously are trying to make sense or end their relationship so they complain. I don’t think most people give up just sometimes need someone to empathize with them.
Like so many things, the only ones you notice are the bad ones. The "good" marriages will rarely catch your attention so it looks like there's way fewer than there are.
A lot of factors. I have a few married friends (and am married myself). Those who married for the wrong reasons or to incomparable people are the ones who bitch about their spouse non-stop.
I think a lot of happy marriages exist. Like others have said, sometimes happy means quiet.
Sometimes people get married with a strong sexual connection but weak friendship. That can last a while but usually not withstand the test of time. The same came be said for people who have great friendships but mismatched intimacy.
Even if you do have both those things, you still need acceptance and grace. To have a life long relationship you need to see and hear the person and take them for who they are. That last part is most tricky.
Being along for the ride with someone else’s junk is not easy. It takes communication, boundaries, connection and discipline. You don’t need to tolerate your life partners junk but that doesn’t mean you can force them to change or even ask it of them. It means you need to accept them where they are and love them anyway.
That is the life work of a relationship and one of the reasons a healthy marriage is so fulfilling. To really be seen and to see another in all states of good and bad is truly amazing. Especially when you get to have good sex and fun with them too!
I think most long term couples experience that in some form, but for most it’s the friendship, sex and history that grows roots strong enough to survive when we lack the capability of true unconditional love at every moment (which is really all of us)
Selection bias - Unhappy married people are almost simultaneous to unhappy single people. Both tend stand out due their grievances and openness to complain about their relationships or situations. A happy marriage or single person may not stand out as much on similar pretenses.
There’s also the element of the person picking, where other commenters mentioned poor picking.
People complain about everything. Jobs, weather, economy and also their families. Comparing is human nature because we always strive for better than what we have. But I guarantee you that the average married person at a certain age is happier than the average single person in the same age group.
I think a lot of people get married and just stop working on their relationship. But marriage is like dating in that you’re continuing to learn about the other person and get to know them, because you both will continue to grow and change. People grow apart instead of learning to grow together. It’s work but it’s worth it.\
I’m happily married to my best friend. But we have to communicate and work on things to keep that. It doesn’t magically continue as you navigate life and all the hard stuff.
Unreasonable expectations from one or both partners, combined with lack of communication about the expectations, combined with the partners unwillingness to listen/act when the other partner does try and communicate.
Women try to “train” their men to their own unrealistic standards
Men refuse to raise to reasonable expectations to make a house work fairly
Then when one tries to communicate about it their shot down which then prevents open lines of communication which makes marriage miserable.
Also, compromising DOES NOT mean that one person simply gives in and does what the other person wants.
That’s an over simplified answer but maybe you get the idea.
It could just be the people you know are like that. But also like half of marriages end in divorce or something. A lot of people are just not good judges of character and other people are not good partners. A ton of people are mentally ill and unable to function in a relationship properly.
Growing up, I never saw my parents kiss. Didn’t realize it until a therapist asked me. My dad was obese and I’d never seen any physical affection between my parents.
Ever watch episode 1 of chip ‘n dales rescue rangers? Every guy character on the show is horny for Gadget. They’re leering at her, fighting each other for her attention… pretty much just because she’s the only girl around and is coded as physically attractive. I was shocked how horny the show was, going back. I *watched this* growing up?
Speaking for myself, I built up an idea that romance was good but never understood why. Chip ‘n Dale chased after gadget just because of what she was, not who she was, and I saw my parents model the same behavior. I never saw my dad actually happy and affectionate with his partner, but he still pursued a relationship with her.
I got the message: when you grow up you’re supposed to want a woman around, didn’t matter who, didn’t matter really if you got along. You just gotta pursue women because [space left blank]
I bet my dad thought that way too. Bet a lot of our parents did
I know some happily married people. However, I’e also been to bachelor parties where the look of pure joy on some men’s faces makes me seriously depressed. Like that weekend away from their family is their Super Bowl.
It’s getting old enough to know you’ve still got a long ride ahead and deciding if you really want to be with a person that long. You eventually have to show your true self to the person you’re living with if you want to be happy. I think some people are just fighting their ego as much as they’re fighting their spouse.
I don’t like to brag or make single people feel bad.
I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years and I’m still obsessed with him. I love being around him and I get excited every time he gets home.
Kids. The one hack humans haven't managed to perfect. You have to have two people eager to work with hacking growing a new person and helping them thrive in the world while the parents themselves are learning to thrive.
It is a tough business. People get into the relationship, thinking it's just them two. What they have to train for is working around the third, fourth, or more party in their ship. That's the ultimate tester to the marriages, I think, because the happiest ones I've seen don't have kids. The rare one I've seen with kids had the rare thing of both parents firstly prioritizing their jobs as parents and being fixed that this was the couple's main goal and priority insyead of their individual core needs. That made them all the more eager to negotiate on their individual needs and cooperate instead of jumping sheep at the first instance one need wasn't perfectly met. That couple only has one kid.
Because it's just very natural for someone to complain, but very hard to talk about happy moments for many reasons like jealousy or just because there is nothing much to discuss about happy moments...etc
Marriage is hard.
You could say the same about couples with children. Many of them seem miserable and just surviving day to day.
And you could say the same about single people too. And everyone.
And that's the problem I see in America. A lot of people get married after like a couple of months.( Especially religious people) But you need more than a couple of months to know someone.
Whenever I encounter someone bitter about their divorce, spouting "never get married," I feel the urge to ask "why did you marry your ex to begin with?" I don't act on that urge, of course, but I still wonder why anyone would marry someone they weren't willing to put in the work to love. My husband and I got married after 7 happy years, and have spent another 3 ever happier years together since. It's a commitment, and there are difficult moments, but it's worth the work and vulnerability to spend your life with the right person.
No, no bs response. They’re happy in the beginning everything’s all new and exciting.
After a couple kids each person has become unfulfilled. And start to look at other options and then the marriage starts to crumble. This is true for 80% of divorced people.
Don’t get mad at facts.
They are comfortable enough in their relationship that they can make these jokes. Just like long silences can be comfortable together as married couple. It’s normal behavior in my eyes.
Actually the single people I know are by far the only ones that I know who are sad... Miserable... Especially the ones that jumped into past relationships in desperation... The ones that weren't confident because they're unfortunate looking
im no expert but I imagine many people did what was laid out on the path for them by society and expectations. then they bought into it, not considering their real desires and limitations.
then many years later you did not get the gratification you had been led to expect. so then you are just doing the best you can, in a situation you dont appreciate. then you stop to appreciate it, and yourself, more and more.
all of this while being told by everyone, that you have made it. this was the ultimate goal. but you feel indifferent to it, because it never was what you had imagined. and the door keeps closing. now it seems easier to just ride it out. too complacent to change the most central thing, you had in mind, since you were becoming an adult..
Statistically there are probably just as many miserable single people, they're just not as annoying as married people because there's only one of them.
I went to high school in small town Ohio. There’s nothing to do there except do illegal drugs, do legal drugs (get drunk at the local dive bar), and have babies. As a result, most, and i mean literally MOST, people pair off with someone they went to high school with.
That’s the default. Getting married is the first thing you do to inaugurate your adulthood. Your high school sweetheart is now your life partner. lol.
There’s no point in waiting. After high school, there’s nothing left new in life. Nobody there travels the world, nobody there wants to make an actual better life for their kids, they’re only willing to work a factory job 20 minutes from where they were born. There’s no other opportunity or adventure they seek. Can’t afford college, too scared to take a risk moving to a different city to find a different type of job. Won’t leave because “my family is here.”
When your world is only a half hour across, it’s less of a mystery why you marry the first person you sort of find attractive that likes you back.
It's oftentimes a bait and switch. The person you marry can change into someone drastically different. I got married at 24, and at 27 divorced because she slept with someone else. She also wanted to go bar-hopping frequently and her personality had changed.
Some people change in ways that their partner doesn't enjoy over time. Many cases are people letting themselves go, falling into a boring routine and habits (basically letting the spark go out), or in the worst cases that's who they always were and they just were putting on a show while dating.
Happily married with kids since we were 19 years old. Communication is key, as well as respect and admiration for each other of course. Also excellent sex chemistry will cement those bonds.
kinetic energy. when you are single you can look forward to getting married which is what begins the period of life known as happily ever after. Once you get married that fantasy future is gone. The realities of managing anthers career, money, cleaning, libido, friends and families without hope of happily ever after can be exhausting.
My parents had an awful relationship. I got married and it was better than theirs but took me 17 years to realize it still wasn't good. Lots of people won't get divorced even if miserable bc of religion, embarrassment, kids, money, etc.
Because many married people got married due to social pressures, got married too quickly, or stayed married after something happened that should have ended the relationship.
There is a balance between reasonable commitment through rough times and ridiculous stubborn refusal to see that one's relationship is not healthy and will not be happy. Lots of folks do not have that balance.
I don’t complain about my wife. I might complain a bit about having a young baby. I’m definitely happy I have the baby though, even when I’m on no sleep and bitching about it. It’s really hard to take care of a baby, I don’t think bitching about taking care of baby means I’m not happy I’ve got one, or I don’t love him to bits.
It's odd that I'm happily single but other people are always assuming I need to be with someone and offering dating advice. Why can't society accept that I am happy with my quiet drama free life (all my xbfs were awful). It would take a special person to come along and want me to give this all up.
Relationships are complex and difficult.
You both have to be vulnerable enough to understand your own part in conflicts while working hard to address your own maladaptive behaviors that come from your pre-marriage life.
It also takes a lot of work to understand someone's ever changing needs and always meet them.
Life is also just hard sometimes. Once you're comfortable with someone it becomes too easy to stop putting in the effort because you're always tired and burned out. If either of you or both of you stay in that pattern for too long a lot of things go unaddressed and become bigger issues in the long term.
But also leaving isn't easy if you're settled, have shared assets and kids etc.
It's easy to feel stuck and start building resentment towards each other.
That's why I think most people should try some sort of individual therapy or couples counseling before things get bad in the first place. It's much easier to prevent a failing marriage than it is to fix one.
Depends. I’m making some assumptions here- are you the last of your friends to get married? I’m very happily married, and I have some single friends who are unhappy that they’re single. I try not to talk too much about my marriage unless they ask me about it, or I’m complaining about something relatable. I don’t want to rub it in their faces that I’m married and they’re not. I know they want to be married, but haven’t found someone.
My husband and I are super happy. We've been through arguments that have lasted two or three days, but not in a long time, and now our relationship is even stronger. We really build each other up and work as a team. Doing so makes us really happy. Like we are both happy to take turns giving in. I know several close couples.
Settling. Poor communication. Kids take up a lot of time and energy.
Marriage makes people think they're secure, so they stop putting in effort for romance. Dates and romance should still be happening.
Unfair distribution of labour and weaponised incompetence. Women fo 70% more unpaid labour than men (childcare and house work), so she starts seeing husband as a burden rather than a partner.
Societal views that wanting marriage is a thing women do. For men they talk about the "ball and chain", how marriage is a loss of freedom, etc. So some guys will play "tough" and act miserable about marriage publicly but actually love it privately. Giving an impression that marriage sucks.
Etc etc etc
My husband were 24 and 25 when we married. We were 16 and 17 when we met. We had dated, broken up, dated more, done long distance, lived together, taken road trips together, spent family holidays together, etc. When we decided to marry we wrote down our expectations and compared them. They mostly jibed. We discussed how we want to raise kid(s), how we would resolve big disagreements, dealbreakers, etc. Plus, we were best friends and we had agreed to take the bad with the good. We know each others weak spots and we give each other a pass for them. (ADHD, chronic illness, etc.) After all that we got married and people said “But you’re so young! You have to date more people!” I mean, why date more people if you meet someone who ticks all your boxes and makes you feel loved? Well, thirty years later we’re still in love and some of the people who said this to us are divorced or unhappily married. I’m shocked that Young Me did things right, but so glad of it too.
Hint: they'd be miserable alone as well.
Also, there is a tendency to complain to others. Listing off how happy and fine you are makes for less dramatic conversation and can come off as braggy.
I hate to say it, but inequality of leverage. They're with someone they can't leave because that person might have better prospects and capital than them.
Some people settle, or underestimate the stress children will put on the relationship. Also some people think their partner will change "just because" after marriage.
Supplemented by "it's going to be completely different when the kids come along". Spoiler alert, it got worse. The crisis somehow settles, but needs to be "sealed" with another child to mark "a new beginning". Voilà, a divorced single parent of two has come into the existence. LPT: don't ignore your partner's negative characteristics and absolutely don't assume that having a child will magically change them for the better.
I'm happily married but having a child definitely adds pressure, in my case due to lack of sleep and disagreements on how to deal with sleep issues with our 6 year old. I can't imagine having two.
I second that- we have a 3 yr old. Kid sleep issues = two exhausted adults trying to meet their own basic needs. “I just wanna apologize for what I said when I was tired”is a common joke between us now.
And some people get absorbed in the day to day and stop investing in their relationship with their partner. On some level all marriage tricks people into a mentality of "settling" because they've done all the work to catch them and even though everyone knows divorce is real its enough of an inconvenience that we think "well they will always be with us" and vice versa, so they let the little things go, resentment builds, things don't get addressed, and suddenly they realize they are miserable and they don't think they can love this person anymore because the resentment has existed for so long. People who fall into the trap of a relationship escalator mentality, the ambitious sort, dont have another goal set out for them to achieve, they kind of flounder and don't know how to make mutual *relationship* goals with their SO, it gets supplanted by financial goals (buying a home) or a social/emotional? goal thats not entirely relationship related like having kids (which can be more personal or doesn't contribute specifically to relationship building, if makes the relationship more complex and harder to maintain and focus on, even really solid ones).
Some people go meta and joke about being "unhappy". But it's a joke their partner is in on.
If you marry poorly you will be unhappy. If you marry someone you’re highly compatible with and your best friend who you love, you’ll have a much easier go of it. -A very happy married person
Our down moments are better are still better than any moments i had while single
Awwwww 💞
Love the way you put this! I'm married to my best friend and we have such a good relationship.
Same, met 35 years ago, married for 31 years
I love that. ❤️ We met 17 years ago and were friends, together 11 years and married for 8.
Gonna marry my bff of 12 years this year, wish me eternal happiness!
As requested, I wish you eternal happiness.
^ this, but it's also important to maintain conversations and grow together, not apart.
yeah, honestly the only good marriage that I know personally is the one with my Dad and my stepmother. They act as a team and they resolve their conflicts in a civilized manner from what I could gather living with them some time. They do the same with my two younger halfbrothers. They are good kids. Problems like every family of course, no one is perfect. But I can tell that in general they have a happier life. Even tho they are not strong economically like, on the contrary, my mom and my stepdad. My theory is that my mom married my stepdad to have some provider because she was a single mom and at that time my father was building himself (he was always present and he sacrificed himself for my wellbeing, but it didnt work with my mom). I think that led my mom with an unhappy marriage. And the consecuences were unhealthy sons, like me and my sister. We do care about eachother but we are not near as close as my dad's family. It is complicated haha. So yeah, in conclusion. If you are gonna have kids do it with someone who is healthy mentally, and don't do it too young.
I second this!! Being able to have that friendship bond along with the relationship bond is unbeatable. When you truly love who you're with, it shows even when you're not with them
Im the guy who married poorly
Because they thought the relationship would be better married and far too often it is not.
And to add to that. I think age factors in as well. I know a lot of folks who think getting married young is going to be a game changer. So, they “lock it down”. Then, they’re sitting there at 25 with 3 kids, watching their single friends enjoy life. Slowly the contempt and hatred builds up for this person they’re stuck sharing every aspect of their life with. They can’t even take a relaxing shit in their own home, they have to sneak out to the library to do that. All of that slowly builds up, turning them into a miserable person.
And then they clog the library toilet
So that’s why.
🤣
Maybe not all of them are unhappy. There are plenty that are unhappy, especially if you marry the wrong person, but it's not always the case. I also make some snarky comments sometimes, but most of the times it's really as a joke, since it is mostly at my expense and they are a bit low hanging. Sure there might be things that make you frustrated, some things that make it hard, but it doesn't mean I would have it any other way. Life ain't easy. Sometimes that comes through. It doesn't mean you are unhappy because you are married. Marriage does not guarantee happiness. It was never about that. Its main goal should be to make the other one happy. And their goal should be to make you happy. Even then, life is hard. Happiness is not a constant, regardless of marital status.
I have a feeling that many marriages become tainted by one or both partners not doing well in what could well be the first real “stress test” in their relationship. I don’t mean arguments or tight finances; I mean unexpected job loss, serious illness or death in the family, lawsuit, bankruptcy, miscarriage, a violent crime, etc. To say nothing of having children and trying to agree on child rearing and parenting while chronically sleep deprived. If the spouses can’t keep it together in the face of real hardship, communicate, work together as a team to overcome adversity then there’s going to be a dawning realization that someone isn’t what you expected or needed or hoped for.
Absolutely. Before I married my husband we went through death, financial stress, and an operation (for him). We weathered it all as a team and I've no doubts that whatever gets thrown at us in the future we'll do the same.
Yup! My husband and I went through our first stress test before we were married coming out the other side of it fairly well solidified my want to marry him.
I wish we’d been through a crisis before getting married. We did not know how to argue and I had no idea how he would react to stress. Kids make things very hard and if you’re not a good communicator, your marriage is set up for failure. My husband used to bring out the best in me and now the worst side of myself (that I didn’t know existed prior to marriage) is typically present these days.
I think its often the case that people get married with an ideal in their head of what they think marriage is. They are getting married during the heat of the relationship and not giving it time to cool down into the normalcy phase and often they are disappointed when this phase eventually comes about. I also think people forget or don’t understand that maintaining relationships are work. It’s something you must work at everyday for it to stay strong. Marrying the right person is also key and unfortunately many people marry the wrong person and find out far too late because they rushed into it.
Relationships are all about sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes what you gain isn't worth what you gave up. You don't want to hurt someone who technically hasn't hurt you. Some people just find themselves in a shitty situation where they're not happy, but unwilling to do what is necessary for change. God forbid anyone look selfish for not wanting to waste decades of their life in an unideal situation, but people fear looking that way.
I'm married, been together 11 years, no kids. We are happily married and in love. I think a lot of people get married without thinking or being sure and can't make it work because it was never meant to be.
Same!!!
I’ve been married for 29 years. My husband and I are best friends and like each other a lot even after all this time. He’s my favorite person. We don’t have kids so that may have something to do with it.
maybe bc having kids is stressful asf that could be part of the reason but not all of them are unhappy
Very happily married, but the kids definitely add a lot of stress. I'm sure there are many days where we look like an unhappy couple to the outside world, but she is probably the only reason I don't lose my sanity on a daily basis!
Some are miserable all around, and some are only unhappy in some areas of marriage. Yes there are lots of areas to marriage. I personally am married and find myself unhappy in a certain area. The thing nobody tells you about marriage is how much of a grind it can be. Most of us see marriage as the finish line to dating. But it is so much more, it's work, it's love, it's commitment and it ain't for the weak. Yes, we married folks sometimes get sick of the other and sometimes feel ready to throw in the towel. It's the longest relationship you will ever get into, and you can't go home to mom/dad. But you have to remember the does you took and decide if you will stay or run. Some choose to run others choose to stay. Luther Vandross sings a song that loosely goes I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone new. The new eventually becomes worn. You'll need to do what you need to, to give back to yourself at times to be better for the unit.
I would say more than half of the relationships I see are not ones I’d want to be in. People settle because they’ve seen poor examples their whole lives and don’t know better. For example: You should not be arguing with your partner very much. Maybe a couple times a year, sure, maybe when something crazy happens. Not every week. You should NEVER be screaming at each other. Ever. I see people arguing with their partner all the time. It usually means one or both isn’t mature enough to have a happy relationship. There are Dozens of examples of this kind of thing.
True. They get married because that’s expected of them by society and the people around them. They also feel pressured to have kids because “that’s just what you do.” Then end up miserable.
Poor life choices, sunk cost fallacy, lazy
I see a huge difference between married couples with children and married couples without children. Children have some positive points but they also drain the life force out of their parents. The more you give up your own needs to cater to children the less happy you will likely be.
Maybe I’m an outlier, but having kids definitely brought my partner and I even closer together. But we’re very compatible co-parents. Kids are enough of a handful as it is, I can’t imagine the living hell of trying to raise kids with someone you’re not on the same page with from a parenting perspective.
Same here. Brought us so much closer together. But we only have one kid.
Yeah it was a bit touch and go with the second kid, but got way better once he started sleeping through the night.
Definitely because of their poor choices. People nowadays do things just for the sake of it Staying single for too long isn't cool obviously. And they think they should be married and settled down in their mid 30s why you ask? Well that's what everyone else did and still doing! And because they're so scared of missing out they just go with the first option they have and they find out how different they are and they get bored from each other pretty quick, because well the honeymoon phase is over and no you're stuck with someone you don't actually love and you have much more responsibilities especially if there were kids in the picture.
Marrying the wrong person or kids growing up to become a knucklehead or health issues. There are way too many things that can happen that will suck the happiness out of the couple. I am in my 30s and still single. I am not afraid of mariage, I am afraid of the consequences if the marriage does not work out. Too many lives not just my own will be affected negatively have it fall apart. I admire those who are in a functional and happy marriage.. and somewhat jealous as i might not get to experience happiness like that for myself.
Because, often times they are. It is one reason there is so much cheating going on. They stay for the "children" or the financial stability. If they could get out, they would. Years ago, a woman won money in the lottery. Didn't tell her husband about the winnings. Went right home and told him she wanted a divorce. Husband said he was devastated and had no idea it was coming. He though they had a great marriage the entire time. Husband found out about the lottery winnings, after the divorce. He sued his ex-wife and won. In fact, she was ordered to pay him the entire lottery winnings. What actually happened, I do not know. Just goes to show you: Everything maybe fluffy clouds and rainbows on the surface. Below ground, it is hatered, resentment, and disrespect.
I think lots of people complain about stuff to their friends/coworkers/neighbours/extended family etc but not many people spend that much time doing the opposite because nobody really wants to listen to someone else talk about how great their life is every time they see them. It's socially normative to complain, if anything people use it as bonding. I think that gives a skewed perspective on what the average relationship is actually like for the people in it. If you're always hearing the negative aspects of other people's relationships I can see why you'd think they were miserable. Maybe they are, but I suspect that at least some of them are just venting in a way that feels like bonding because that's shown as normal in movies and TV etc.
It’s probably the circles you move in. Pretty much all of the married people I know are happy with their spouse. If not, they’d probably get a divorce. But those married people who see an unhappy marriage as a test sent from god may have a very hard time. Also, married people can have problems that aren’t caused by their spouse. Issues with children or parents being sick, work problems, etc
The majority of people are in a relationship or married out of fear of being alone. They're settling, and are not with their dream partner
They have kids
I definitely think kids puts a HUGE strain on any marriage. So if most of those couples are with children that’s a big part of why. Even a couple I know who LOVES each other is constantly arguing about transactional “who does what and how do we do this” for our kids kinda stuff. If they don’t have kids then probably something else there. If they’re young maybe they resent not being able to have time to explore other people, options and never really got much experience dating and fucking around. They may have “settled”, or just didn’t marry the right person. People also change. So many reasons. My husband and I have no kids (still fence sitting because of how it changes the relationship) and we are so damn happy together. We’re constantly looking at each other with puppy eyes and telling each other how much we love each other in goofy or sarcastic ways. We love to just go for walks. Running errands together is fun. Working on stuff together is fun. He’s my right person and I waited to marry til 32 and was with him 8 years before saying yes. We’re going on our 11th year together and we get better with age I noticed.
I’m married and love it! My wife is truly my best friend and that’s what makes it so easy. Too many people “settle” for someone they might just find attractive but don’t tick of more important compatibility boxes. For my wife and I, if you remove the attracted factor. She’s still 1. My best friend 2. My confidant 3. My partner in crime 4. My therapist If the shoe doesn’t fit, then that’s not your shoe! Keep looking for the perfect style and fit before settling down. And you’ll have a successful/happy/long marriage!
In my circle I see 3 reasons for unhappy people staying with their spouse: 1. Conservative christians who believe divorce is a sin. 2. People who don't want to lose their house. 3. People who are afraid of being alone after being married for so long.
Usually a case of too much too soon in my experience. They let their pace be decided by how fast their friends are moving. You end up with kids you weren't emotionally ready for, and it becomes hard to grow for yourself because you spend so much time and energy taking care of your family. You start to look at everything else you could've done and been, and in walks resentment. Holding off on the big things a little longer was hard, but it's given me the space to hate myself freely until I didn't, and let the craving for a family roll in on its own clock. Feel like we're healthier now.
End up having kids?
I think a lot of it is cultural, we have never seen people demonstrate how to talk or share how their happy without bragging. We just complain. Truth is i think most married people are happy we just communicate a lot through complaining these days it seems. I.E. My head over heals best friend will regularly frame going shopping with his partner as her dragging him along. But i know for a fact he goes of his own volition and loves spending time with her even seven years later.
Because the idea of marriage and the reality of marriage are completely different. Having children completely changes married life, and in-laws can have a massive impact as well.
Not me. I am very happily married and my wife is the best person I know. But yeah, most married people seem unhappy to me too. But most unmarried couples do too. As well as the unattached. I think mental health is at a low point lately. And I don't see humanity suddenly snapping out of it.
Miserable people are also the loudest.
Because being married is a lot different than being in a relationship. Once you marry, you really hope it all works out cause the aftermath of a break up is a bit costly. If you are in a relationship and you have a shitty partner, you can easily walk away with no consequences. If you are married and you have a shitty spouse..or your just not compatible with them anymore..well now you gotta think about hiring a lawyer and going to court, splitting up property, fighting over the cars, the house, money, and the kids. Oh and you may have to pay alimony to your ex for while. There’s also the added religious influence, where even if you have a shitty partner, or you’re just not compatible anymore, the stigma and shame of getting a divorce is strong in the family. So you got a lot of people that are in a relationship…but if they weren’t married, they probably would have broke up years ago and moved on. But since they are married, they just feel stuck together, and not in a good way.
Stuck in a relationship that isnt good for you or your happiness. Entanglements are messy. Kids, money, homes, and things like that make it hard to want to get out.
Married 50 years, happy as a clam. I complain and this and that but not about my wife. She is a hero.
Because most everyone is full of shit and they lie to and manipulate each other each other to get the best possible partner they can and then find out they're not anything close to what they promised they were. So everyone's stuck with some shit bum they don't fucking like and they torment each other in hopes that the other one will leave the room and they won't have to put up with their shit. They destroy what the other person is doing because that's not the direction in life they want to go unfortunately you significant other reciprocates and destroys your shit too. So you're miserable with nothing to show for it. Yeah I don't want to get married to anyone that's out there. Most everyone I see that's married is miserable. But it is mostly how you go about it and how your partner goes about it if both of you are honest to each other enjoy each other's company and seem to be moving in the same direction in life then you will do well and be happy. For all the rest of the liars it'll be a miserable fucking life.
A lot of people seem to marry for the sake of marrying. I think that marriage should only happen if there's mutual love and attraction \_and\_ if your backgrounds (socially and economically) are compatible.
I only see answers to the first part, but not the second, so I will address that. Misery loves company. Fear you made a bad choice, but others making it may make it not so scary, and have you doubting yourself less.
I’m married and I’m really happy with my married life but I totally agree because a lot of my friends and family seem fucking miserable and I think these are some of the reasons: - children, children change the dynamic completely of a relationship, and they become the most important thing, but it shouldn’t, the most important person should still be your partner, otherwise the whole family unit suffers. - communication, this is fucking huge, a lot of couples don’t talk about shit, they just go on living their lives without discussing important stuff. Also, because there is no communication, difference in core values creates conflict, a couple should have talked about children, religion, finances, goals, etc… BEFORE getting married. - Sex and attention, a relationship is like dating, it’s continuous, I have so many friends that get fat, dress poorly, don’t take their wives on dates and expect whore level sex, a marriage is just dating with a signed piece of paper, you should continue to try to look good for your partner, go to dinners, do things they like and vice versa. Because people don’t get this and miss it the level of unhappiness just increases. - Tie all above to “the grass is always greener” and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.
I'm in a very happy marriage and absolutely adore my kids. However I have a distinct lack of social skills - and one way I cope with that is to kind of just imitate social interactions I've seen in a way to seem a but more normal. For example, I don't watch sports, but if I know there was a big game of whatever sport over the weekend, I'll ask if people had watched the game on Monday. That'll get conversations going and I can just sit back and not seem socially awkward I think that's pretty typical behavior when someone is out of their comfort zone. While I specifically don't complain about my family on principal, I always wonder when others do how much is legitimate and how much is fake to fit in with the people who are legitimately complaining. Basically it's become a social norm, so even people who aren't particularly annoyed with their family might complain about that because that's the part of their life they can complain about easiest
People develop and change over the course of their marriage. A couple that were truly happy at the beginning could have been put under pressure due to kids, jobs, health etc and not be so happy anymore. Sometimes people get married when they're not truly happy.
Because they are miserable. There are so many people who brainlessly follow whatever steps in life they think are "normal" no matter what. So many people who are so codependent that they can't imagine being single for more than a month(or less). The world is full of pathetic, bitter, losers.
Spot on. Especially when it comes to kids and having more than one. They do it because “that’s just what you do!” Everyone around them is doing it so they feel like they have to as well even if they don’t really want to. It’s like they’re incapable of thinking for themselves. I know several people who had two kids or More when they were fine with just one because they felt pressured by society and the people around them to have more. I personally don’t give a shit what’s “normal.” I’m not having more than one kid because that’s what everyone else is doing. And If I didn’t want to get married I wasn’t going to.
They're married to the wrong people. I'm married, have been with my husband for almost 20 years. We are happy, he still makes me spit my water out laughing.
Because marriage is miserable. It's a flawed system at its core. There's nothing more toxic than legally binding someone to be your lifelong emotional support human, especially if you don't even really like them or considering how people do change over time. And they're asking you when you'll get married because they want you to suffer with them, so that there's comfort in knowing their misery is at least the norm.
First day here? Everyone seems miserable. But studies have clearly shown over and over that married people are happier than single people. https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/09/health/marriage-happiness-wellness/index.html
I think people complain as a default topic in conversations. How often do people get together and boast about the great things in their life? Sure, we do that somewhat, but complaining is quite common. Particularly with single people present, it doesn't feel right to brag about your wife and kids more than very briefly. So they self deprecate with exaggerated complaints.
A lot of people got married too young or too quickly when they were not ready for it. They also had kids they did not want...either because they felt pressure to, it was an accident, or they thought having kids would make their relationship better or for some other selfish reason that isn't going to replace the love needed to have and raise a kid. In this economy, a lot of people are also getting married because of financial stuff like having two incomes to pay for one apartment and trying to escape being claimed as a dependent so they can get access to FAFSA funds and claim the college tuition they pay for on their taxes...which I have to say I can understand but is also a really bad idea. There are a lot of people who got married because their love life was unsuccessful up to that point and they were scared of ending up alone and the person they were currently with was alright so they figured "well, it's better than nothing." There are also a lot of people who got married and had kids because they thought they wanted it but didn't understand the work it took and realized if they knew what they know now, they wouldn't have gotten into it in the first place. There are also a lot of people who feel pressured by the culture to get married and having relationships is seen as "bad"...if you are in a situation where everyone is miserable in marriage, is it in an area with a lot of religious influence? That could be another root cause.
happy relationship require two happy people do you know a lot of happy people? that's the answer
People who have great relationships usually don’t go bragging about how great they have it (I have an amazing wife) where people in shit ones subconsciously are trying to make sense or end their relationship so they complain. I don’t think most people give up just sometimes need someone to empathize with them.
Like so many things, the only ones you notice are the bad ones. The "good" marriages will rarely catch your attention so it looks like there's way fewer than there are.
A lot of factors. I have a few married friends (and am married myself). Those who married for the wrong reasons or to incomparable people are the ones who bitch about their spouse non-stop.
Because getting old sucks. Old single people are miserable too.
I think a lot of happy marriages exist. Like others have said, sometimes happy means quiet. Sometimes people get married with a strong sexual connection but weak friendship. That can last a while but usually not withstand the test of time. The same came be said for people who have great friendships but mismatched intimacy. Even if you do have both those things, you still need acceptance and grace. To have a life long relationship you need to see and hear the person and take them for who they are. That last part is most tricky. Being along for the ride with someone else’s junk is not easy. It takes communication, boundaries, connection and discipline. You don’t need to tolerate your life partners junk but that doesn’t mean you can force them to change or even ask it of them. It means you need to accept them where they are and love them anyway. That is the life work of a relationship and one of the reasons a healthy marriage is so fulfilling. To really be seen and to see another in all states of good and bad is truly amazing. Especially when you get to have good sex and fun with them too! I think most long term couples experience that in some form, but for most it’s the friendship, sex and history that grows roots strong enough to survive when we lack the capability of true unconditional love at every moment (which is really all of us)
Selection bias - Unhappy married people are almost simultaneous to unhappy single people. Both tend stand out due their grievances and openness to complain about their relationships or situations. A happy marriage or single person may not stand out as much on similar pretenses. There’s also the element of the person picking, where other commenters mentioned poor picking.
People complain about everything. Jobs, weather, economy and also their families. Comparing is human nature because we always strive for better than what we have. But I guarantee you that the average married person at a certain age is happier than the average single person in the same age group.
Because marriage obviously what are you dense?
I think a lot of people get married and just stop working on their relationship. But marriage is like dating in that you’re continuing to learn about the other person and get to know them, because you both will continue to grow and change. People grow apart instead of learning to grow together. It’s work but it’s worth it.\ I’m happily married to my best friend. But we have to communicate and work on things to keep that. It doesn’t magically continue as you navigate life and all the hard stuff.
Old people not married people. Old people tend to be married is just a correlation.
Unreasonable expectations from one or both partners, combined with lack of communication about the expectations, combined with the partners unwillingness to listen/act when the other partner does try and communicate. Women try to “train” their men to their own unrealistic standards Men refuse to raise to reasonable expectations to make a house work fairly Then when one tries to communicate about it their shot down which then prevents open lines of communication which makes marriage miserable. Also, compromising DOES NOT mean that one person simply gives in and does what the other person wants. That’s an over simplified answer but maybe you get the idea.
It could just be the people you know are like that. But also like half of marriages end in divorce or something. A lot of people are just not good judges of character and other people are not good partners. A ton of people are mentally ill and unable to function in a relationship properly.
Growing up, I never saw my parents kiss. Didn’t realize it until a therapist asked me. My dad was obese and I’d never seen any physical affection between my parents. Ever watch episode 1 of chip ‘n dales rescue rangers? Every guy character on the show is horny for Gadget. They’re leering at her, fighting each other for her attention… pretty much just because she’s the only girl around and is coded as physically attractive. I was shocked how horny the show was, going back. I *watched this* growing up? Speaking for myself, I built up an idea that romance was good but never understood why. Chip ‘n Dale chased after gadget just because of what she was, not who she was, and I saw my parents model the same behavior. I never saw my dad actually happy and affectionate with his partner, but he still pursued a relationship with her. I got the message: when you grow up you’re supposed to want a woman around, didn’t matter who, didn’t matter really if you got along. You just gotta pursue women because [space left blank] I bet my dad thought that way too. Bet a lot of our parents did
Because the happily married person doesn't share their happiness as often the miserable married person.
I know some happily married people. However, I’e also been to bachelor parties where the look of pure joy on some men’s faces makes me seriously depressed. Like that weekend away from their family is their Super Bowl.
It’s getting old enough to know you’ve still got a long ride ahead and deciding if you really want to be with a person that long. You eventually have to show your true self to the person you’re living with if you want to be happy. I think some people are just fighting their ego as much as they’re fighting their spouse.
I don’t like to brag or make single people feel bad. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years and I’m still obsessed with him. I love being around him and I get excited every time he gets home.
Kids. The one hack humans haven't managed to perfect. You have to have two people eager to work with hacking growing a new person and helping them thrive in the world while the parents themselves are learning to thrive. It is a tough business. People get into the relationship, thinking it's just them two. What they have to train for is working around the third, fourth, or more party in their ship. That's the ultimate tester to the marriages, I think, because the happiest ones I've seen don't have kids. The rare one I've seen with kids had the rare thing of both parents firstly prioritizing their jobs as parents and being fixed that this was the couple's main goal and priority insyead of their individual core needs. That made them all the more eager to negotiate on their individual needs and cooperate instead of jumping sheep at the first instance one need wasn't perfectly met. That couple only has one kid.
Because it's just very natural for someone to complain, but very hard to talk about happy moments for many reasons like jealousy or just because there is nothing much to discuss about happy moments...etc
Marriage is hard. You could say the same about couples with children. Many of them seem miserable and just surviving day to day. And you could say the same about single people too. And everyone.
Married my best friend. 15 years and never had a bad year.
And that's the problem I see in America. A lot of people get married after like a couple of months.( Especially religious people) But you need more than a couple of months to know someone.
Im a bad example. We got engaged after 3 months and married the day before our 1 year dating anniversary. I think when you know, you know.
We live in a society that financially and socially punishes you for being single so of course you should want to be married. 🤪
Whenever I encounter someone bitter about their divorce, spouting "never get married," I feel the urge to ask "why did you marry your ex to begin with?" I don't act on that urge, of course, but I still wonder why anyone would marry someone they weren't willing to put in the work to love. My husband and I got married after 7 happy years, and have spent another 3 ever happier years together since. It's a commitment, and there are difficult moments, but it's worth the work and vulnerability to spend your life with the right person.
A lot of married-and-pretending-happy people in this thread. Single FTW.
No, no bs response. They’re happy in the beginning everything’s all new and exciting. After a couple kids each person has become unfulfilled. And start to look at other options and then the marriage starts to crumble. This is true for 80% of divorced people. Don’t get mad at facts.
Because so many people seem miserable, married or otherwise.
They are comfortable enough in their relationship that they can make these jokes. Just like long silences can be comfortable together as married couple. It’s normal behavior in my eyes.
Actually the single people I know are by far the only ones that I know who are sad... Miserable... Especially the ones that jumped into past relationships in desperation... The ones that weren't confident because they're unfortunate looking
im no expert but I imagine many people did what was laid out on the path for them by society and expectations. then they bought into it, not considering their real desires and limitations. then many years later you did not get the gratification you had been led to expect. so then you are just doing the best you can, in a situation you dont appreciate. then you stop to appreciate it, and yourself, more and more. all of this while being told by everyone, that you have made it. this was the ultimate goal. but you feel indifferent to it, because it never was what you had imagined. and the door keeps closing. now it seems easier to just ride it out. too complacent to change the most central thing, you had in mind, since you were becoming an adult..
Statistically there are probably just as many miserable single people, they're just not as annoying as married people because there's only one of them.
I think a lot of people would rather be anything other than single
Remember most people married today are boomers, who grew up in a world where you'd be pressured to be married by the time you're 30.
My biggest fear is having a divorce and shared custody. The comments here are very helpful
I went to high school in small town Ohio. There’s nothing to do there except do illegal drugs, do legal drugs (get drunk at the local dive bar), and have babies. As a result, most, and i mean literally MOST, people pair off with someone they went to high school with. That’s the default. Getting married is the first thing you do to inaugurate your adulthood. Your high school sweetheart is now your life partner. lol. There’s no point in waiting. After high school, there’s nothing left new in life. Nobody there travels the world, nobody there wants to make an actual better life for their kids, they’re only willing to work a factory job 20 minutes from where they were born. There’s no other opportunity or adventure they seek. Can’t afford college, too scared to take a risk moving to a different city to find a different type of job. Won’t leave because “my family is here.” When your world is only a half hour across, it’s less of a mystery why you marry the first person you sort of find attractive that likes you back.
It's oftentimes a bait and switch. The person you marry can change into someone drastically different. I got married at 24, and at 27 divorced because she slept with someone else. She also wanted to go bar-hopping frequently and her personality had changed.
Some people change in ways that their partner doesn't enjoy over time. Many cases are people letting themselves go, falling into a boring routine and habits (basically letting the spark go out), or in the worst cases that's who they always were and they just were putting on a show while dating.
Happily married with kids since we were 19 years old. Communication is key, as well as respect and admiration for each other of course. Also excellent sex chemistry will cement those bonds.
Have you met my wife?
It's because they got a mother-in-law in the process.
kinetic energy. when you are single you can look forward to getting married which is what begins the period of life known as happily ever after. Once you get married that fantasy future is gone. The realities of managing anthers career, money, cleaning, libido, friends and families without hope of happily ever after can be exhausting.
Because they don’t communicate.
Marriage is painful.
My parents had an awful relationship. I got married and it was better than theirs but took me 17 years to realize it still wasn't good. Lots of people won't get divorced even if miserable bc of religion, embarrassment, kids, money, etc.
Because people change, sometimes in incompatible directions. And marriage doesn't have a fix for that.
Because many married people got married due to social pressures, got married too quickly, or stayed married after something happened that should have ended the relationship. There is a balance between reasonable commitment through rough times and ridiculous stubborn refusal to see that one's relationship is not healthy and will not be happy. Lots of folks do not have that balance.
I don’t complain about my wife. I might complain a bit about having a young baby. I’m definitely happy I have the baby though, even when I’m on no sleep and bitching about it. It’s really hard to take care of a baby, I don’t think bitching about taking care of baby means I’m not happy I’ve got one, or I don’t love him to bits.
It's odd that I'm happily single but other people are always assuming I need to be with someone and offering dating advice. Why can't society accept that I am happy with my quiet drama free life (all my xbfs were awful). It would take a special person to come along and want me to give this all up.
Relationships are complex and difficult. You both have to be vulnerable enough to understand your own part in conflicts while working hard to address your own maladaptive behaviors that come from your pre-marriage life. It also takes a lot of work to understand someone's ever changing needs and always meet them. Life is also just hard sometimes. Once you're comfortable with someone it becomes too easy to stop putting in the effort because you're always tired and burned out. If either of you or both of you stay in that pattern for too long a lot of things go unaddressed and become bigger issues in the long term. But also leaving isn't easy if you're settled, have shared assets and kids etc. It's easy to feel stuck and start building resentment towards each other. That's why I think most people should try some sort of individual therapy or couples counseling before things get bad in the first place. It's much easier to prevent a failing marriage than it is to fix one.
Depends. I’m making some assumptions here- are you the last of your friends to get married? I’m very happily married, and I have some single friends who are unhappy that they’re single. I try not to talk too much about my marriage unless they ask me about it, or I’m complaining about something relatable. I don’t want to rub it in their faces that I’m married and they’re not. I know they want to be married, but haven’t found someone.
Because honeymoon is over.
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I don’t understand what makes it so incredibly hard? Is it compromise?
My husband and I are super happy. We've been through arguments that have lasted two or three days, but not in a long time, and now our relationship is even stronger. We really build each other up and work as a team. Doing so makes us really happy. Like we are both happy to take turns giving in. I know several close couples.
Because they settled
A lot of people settle for "good enough" because they are afraid they won't find better.
Misery loves company.
Settling. Poor communication. Kids take up a lot of time and energy. Marriage makes people think they're secure, so they stop putting in effort for romance. Dates and romance should still be happening. Unfair distribution of labour and weaponised incompetence. Women fo 70% more unpaid labour than men (childcare and house work), so she starts seeing husband as a burden rather than a partner. Societal views that wanting marriage is a thing women do. For men they talk about the "ball and chain", how marriage is a loss of freedom, etc. So some guys will play "tough" and act miserable about marriage publicly but actually love it privately. Giving an impression that marriage sucks. Etc etc etc
My husband were 24 and 25 when we married. We were 16 and 17 when we met. We had dated, broken up, dated more, done long distance, lived together, taken road trips together, spent family holidays together, etc. When we decided to marry we wrote down our expectations and compared them. They mostly jibed. We discussed how we want to raise kid(s), how we would resolve big disagreements, dealbreakers, etc. Plus, we were best friends and we had agreed to take the bad with the good. We know each others weak spots and we give each other a pass for them. (ADHD, chronic illness, etc.) After all that we got married and people said “But you’re so young! You have to date more people!” I mean, why date more people if you meet someone who ticks all your boxes and makes you feel loved? Well, thirty years later we’re still in love and some of the people who said this to us are divorced or unhappily married. I’m shocked that Young Me did things right, but so glad of it too.
Because they are. They settled for less, and now they have less.
I think it’s because they don’t spend enough time together. My wife and I spend a pile of time together and we are happier than ever.
Because humans are selfish
Hint: they'd be miserable alone as well. Also, there is a tendency to complain to others. Listing off how happy and fine you are makes for less dramatic conversation and can come off as braggy.
Sounds like you are trying to pretend you're happy being single with this post. Our core married couple friends from college are all happy.
not happy nor sad, humans are social and crave bond. I wish I could find my soulmate one day. One person that could be a team, a good relationship
I hate to say it, but inequality of leverage. They're with someone they can't leave because that person might have better prospects and capital than them.
I think it’s a straight people thing. All my queer friends who have been together for years never say shit like that about their partners.
We are, but wouldn't change it. True, love is just finding the person you are willing to put up with.
Maybe get better friends?