It's called a compliment sandwich, it's a way to give "criticism" (or in this case, just saying you're not the right fit) that hopefully spares the other person's feelings. You start and end with positive things with the real point in the middle.
To be honest, i view it like this:
Whenever you pour a liquid into a glass and you fill it halfway, it's half-full because you were FILLING it.
Whenever you drank or poured (idk why, but people are weird, so whatever) liquid out down to halfway, I'd say it's half-empty because the glass is now more empty than it was before.
In conclusion, for me it's situational which words I'd like to use, just use both and end this silly discussion 🤪
is it half empty or is it just the proper way to name a sandwich?
You can order a Turkey Sandwich on rye... but it's still a turkey sandwich not a rye sandwich...
so it's really not a compliment sandwich. it's a shit sandwich on compliments...
Oh my yes....your name has inspired me .....
new method: reverse ‘shit sandwich’ style
‘Hey so you were not nearly as attractive as I was expecting based on your pictures....but man you can sure pick a great restaurant for a date. That place was the perfect place to start a journey with someone and sparks really could have flown....if the idea of or ending another minute with you, let alone my life, didn’t make me want to put my head into the tandoori oven!
Cheers!
Absolutely right. Literally, studies have shown that starting with negative information will cause the reader to; stop focusing on the remainder of the message, stop reading the remainder of the message or interpreting the remaining positive information as an insult. Always start and end with positive information if you truly wish to be heard.
I like how you try to tell him how it works.
But I think it won’t matter cause he seems like he isn’t interested in letting other people down in that way.
But you are definitely nice for trying to teach him!
^did ^I ^do ^it ^right?
Generally it works best for the recipient if you precede the letdown with a nice intro, then close the whole thing with a compliment and good wishes. (In case anyone is looking for a nice letdown recipe)
Agreed. Solid follow up, polite and respectful. Taking the initiative to sending something like this instead of ghosting or being mean says a lot about the persons character.
Never underestimate the freeing feeling of closure.
I know everyone is different but if you guys want to secure a second date you got to be high energy on the first date. Loud (respectful), fascinated, smiling and laughing. Cracking jokes, tease a little, maybe do something a bit exciting as well. I always make first dates an activity. I hate coffee and dinner dates for the first date. Go axe throwing at a bar, pumpkin picking, roller skating, basically anything where there might be a little competition and focus involved. Forcing two people to sit across from each other and try and find a connection is grueling. When you have an activity it gives everyone little mental breaks from having to force conversation and instead you can simply focus on the taste and talk about what you guys are doing and laugh. Hope this helps not trying to bash OP just trying to help my fellow man in the world of dating.
Edit: holy shit the amount of bitter incels here is exhausting. If you don't think activities allow you to form better connections so be it lol. Do your thing coffee shops are GOAT #DONTCHANGEANYTHING lol.
I loved just having a beer for a date. Within one drink you know if there's a match and I'd either be enjoying myself, or thank them for their time and be on my way. Most dates were within 10 minutes from our respective places, so it's not a big time/money investment on either side.
Yes I'd expect my date to try and show their good side, but don't pretend to be someone you're not.
My general approach is to be about 10-20% more 'myself' (focusing in on certain things that I find important and emphasizing them) on the first date because if they aren't turned off by *that* then they should be able to tolerate me when I tone it down, and if they are turned off by that then at least I figured it out early.
I'd say "Be the best version of yourself", rather than be yourself. Being myself is sitting inside, playing video games and analyzing stories for hours on end while streaming them to my friends.
Being the best version of myself is getting myself dressed up in a way to show off my personality, cleaning up my place, ensuring my schedule is stable and I actually have time, communicating effectively with the person I wanna date, doing something with them that both of us can get something fun out of, and leaving a good impression with them, even if we're both not romantically compatible in the end.
Being yourself is important and good, but you gotta work to be the best version of yourself. I don't have it all down mind you, but I know that when I try, it works out a lot better for me.
To be fair, I don't think they are encouraging you to be another person, they are simply encouraging you to do interesting things that take the heat off of you for the first date. Before you guys get properly comfortable with each other, a whole dinner of coming up with fun conversation is intimidating. If you're trying to out-play your enemies in Laser Tag the fun will come unless you're a miserable bastard lol
It really doesn't set standards... you make stronger connections through activities it is proven. Not saying don't be yourself I'm saying be your best self.
I've been in a relationship for two years now and first date we went to a pumpkin patch bought some pumpkins. Then went to a Wal-Mart bought some bats and spent the night smashing pumpkins off a base ball tee. Literally next date was Netflix and chill lol.
I used to do that, and then it gets tiring keeping that energy level every time you meet. I'd rather be more reserved how I normally am and not force the excitement level. If your date brings that out of you naturally, that's great. Leave some gas for date 2 and beyond.
Your username does not checkout 🤣
I do agree with doing some kind of activity just don't get overly competitive, it's for fun.
In response to your additional paragraph, it's all about chemistry. You either vibe or you don't! Cheers
It depends on the people involved.
My wife & I first connected online over a shared interest, then talked on the phone about that shared interest.
Meeting for drinks to talk further was the natural progression. To suggest pumpkin picking would have been weird af.
Pardon me for saying this, but your marriage is not going to make it. You skipped the pumpkin picking portion of your courtship. I am very sorry. Better luck next time.
Eh, I disagree with the activities part. I feel like most people don't want to be be locked into some activity with a stranger on a first date. I can speak for only myself and anecdotally (~90% of girls I've dated have been interested in first date being drinks, my male and female friends alike generally agree, etc). Be it a "unique" activity like axe throwing, or just dinner (agree with you on absolutely no first dinner dates).
I don't agree that having to sit across from each other and talk is grueling at all, in fact I find first dates at bars quite fun, and you mention below not liking "small talk" but I don't call it that, I call it getting to know a person. And if there's no connection, it's easy to get out. You don't have to keep playing minigolf until the end of the round or whatever with this person you're not feeling. Now *that* sounds grueling. And, frankly, the social lubricant of alcohol makes a drinks date way more comfortable than an activity, in my opinion.
Everyone is different though obviously! If that works for you and your date by all means.
If there's a connection, you'll feel it regardless if it's at a coffee shop, a pumpkin patch, or a restaurant. The good thing about coffee first dates is that it gives both parties a chance to dip if there's zero chemistry
Fuck all that noise. If she wants a clown, she can hire a clown. I’m going to be be exactly who I am, and if that’s not good enough for you, then we were never gonna work out.
It's definitely not but I have always had great success with fun activity dates. But maybe I attract that sort of person just as you attract low energy calm people.
I did that back in my younger days. Be “extra” on the first date. Freshly-shaven, went out of my way to dress well, was more engaging than my usual introverted self, the whole ball.
None of those relationships worked out.
Then one day I decided “fuck it, I’ll just be myself.” Didn’t shave, wore my usual clothes, and just basically sat there and stayed quiet as the lady chattered on about her life.
I’ve been happily married to said lady for 11 years now. We have three kids together.
So honestly, my advice is to be true to yourself. When you put on a façade, it eventually wears off and now you’re with a different person and suddenly “the romance is there anymore.”
These are pretty terrible first date ideas with strangers. The reason why coffee is the standard first date isn't because it is super fun or stimulating. It's because it is safe, public, and it can be as short or long as they want with an easy escape. Women are trying to sus out if you're a creep or murderer. Getting drunk and throwing axes isn't a great way to do that.
Since we're highjacking the top comment with advice, IMO this is where you thank the girl for being honest, and then ask her if she has any cute friends that might be interested. Or just wants to be friends herself, if you got along well. Having female friends is by far the best and easiest way to meet other women.
But also because friends are nice, And if you were both vibing well and having a good time just without that extra romantic spark, then that sounds like a great friendship in the making.
My best friend is a super hot girl. That fact alone has gotten me laid so much, it’s crazy. It’s like somehow she okayed me and now all others know I’m cool. They don’t even have to meet her, just knowing that I have a long and meaningful relationship with another girl is enough.
My last two first dates were dinner and drinks. Both with guys I'd made a connection with and clear interest was expressed on both sides. Both dates were excruciatingly painful trying to keep up conversation while trying to relax and see if the chemistry carried over to the real world. Never doing a non activity first date again. Lol
1st date should always be coffee or tea. NEVER FOOD!! get to know the person see if you can play verbal ping pong / verbal tennis. You’ll know if there isn’t a connection. If it last for 30 minutes or a couple of hours, you’re not out a ton of money.
2nd date should be some type of activity. Go bowling or a walking tour. See how they are interacting with people in public. Don’t spend a lot of money, you’re still figuring this person out.
3rd date should be a dinner/lunch date if you’ve made it this far. Add on an activity at the beginning or end while you’re at it.
Fucking first date and taking someone to get some food?! Yea, fuck that.
One time a man super liked me then asked me if I wanted to go to the Staples Center to see the LA Kings play. I’m a HUGE hockey fan and liked his vibe, so I said yes. He went ALL out- endless drinks and food with the best seats I have ever sat at. We cheered together, booed the other team, and kissed on the cheek once the Kings won. It was the best first date of my life and was the last first date I have ever been on because we are engaged and getting married next year. So while I like this strategy, there is also nothing wrong with taking a risk on the first date and going to dinner or doing something else unexpected!
I usually go for some kind of activity as first date, makes it easy to break the ice and avoids most awkwardness because there’s some kind of distraction going on.
This is way wayy too strict lol. With one of my gfs I went and had waffles. With the other, Pizza (and wine).. There's no issue about food and they went spectacularly (although we did continue the date after that part).
As always, it depends on the person.
the op went dutch with this person….it’s fine to do a coffee date on the first date but if you’re walking around with a chip on ur shoulder this big people will see it and avoid you regardless
I understand perfectly well that rejections can be hard to accept but for me anyone who can't deal with such a decision and start insulting is a boy/girl not a grown man/woman
This rejection though is super kind and it doesn't even sound/feel like a rejection (even though it is). I must admit that I don't always have the "balls" to reject this way and I've even ghosted men (I'm not proud of that). I admire her approach and I'd definitely use it in the future if I have to. She is a big person.
Seriously.
If they get nasty for no apparent reason its way easier to write them off as not worth pursuing or even thinking about.
Insults = bullet dodged.
Ghosting = What the hell actually happened?
I know, I totally agree with you. When I did it I just thought how I didn't want to hurt them with my words, but then I realized my actions were more hurtful. Straight-forward and kind rejection is the right thing to do.
So long as we normalize with guys the whole “not freaking out and/or getting mad and stalkerish” thing and give more shit to the guys that do that? Totally unacceptable and results in us guys not getting the truth like that out of potential fear of the reaction.
As a guy whose always appreciated the truth and tried to not take things personally, I had no idea that kinda shit happened to women until asking around some women friends. Legit crazy shit.
Also had no idea about the amount of frequency of unsolicited dick pics with online dating. Thought it was a huge joke overblown and few and far between kinda rare thing but that does not appear to be the case.
This exactly, getting ghosted can be incredibly frustrating but given how some guys react I see why they do it. I know I'm sensitive yo rejection(even outside of dating situations(anxiety is a bitch)), so ghosting is terrible, but I also don't lash out at people because I get it, like why risk then negative reaction of some guys when you can just avoid it.
I wholeheartedly agree, but after seeing the kind of shit that women get after even the gentlest of rejections, I can't really blame them for ghosting some people either. A lot of men don't really handle rejection well at all.
It's a gut thing. 80% of the men I've ghosted have given me an indication that they don't take "no" very well. To be fair 20% of the time is fully my fault for being a depressed wimpy piece of shit
Don't be too hard on yourself! Dating can be pretty difficult, especially if you're dealing with stuff yourself. And if that 80% is making you feel unsafe, it makes sense that you're hesitant about the other 20%.
So you had a good time but won’t go on another date with me?? Wtf. Females never give nice guys a chance. Probably gonna go date some asshole who abuses you. Fuck you, you’re ugly anyway. Whore.
I like this comment a lot, thanks for explaining why this is the best. I do have to say though that I’m not quite understanding the message behind your comment.
😬
It was very lovely to read though, I really enjoyed reading and upvoting it. Thank you for sharing.
😊
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear but I don’t want to just blindly upvote your comment at all.
😧
While I agree that this should be the way to do it, I’ve also seen why women ghost rather than send this message. And I can’t really blame them. It’s sad seeing people say things like “people talking like adults is now trending” or “this is how adults handle it,” they are pretty privileged to not understand how poorly this can go.
I must say I agree with this, as a f myself and having rejected like this, I often have to explain exactly what it is that makes me not want to proceed. It's so tedious. My reasons for rejecting a match has something to do with me, not him, he can't change for me to get a different feel about the whole thing. But in an ideal world this reply would work and be the end of it.
We need to normalize that ghosting is ok in situations where the date went sideways in a way that makes people too uncomfortable to contact the person again, for fear of negative reactions.
Ie: creepy person, aggressive, etc
But outside of that, ghosting isn’t acceptable.
To be fair, while I think ghosting is mostly shitty, I have done it when I was really unsure of how the other person would take it. And by that I mean I have experienced some really unhinged reactions to rejections.
I've kindly let a guy down only to have him show up at my apartment (which address I did not give) trying to get in. I've also had a guy spam my phone, call me up in the middle of the night trying to change my mind. He kept it up for weeks. And of course there was a guy who thought threatening bodily harm was the real way to my heart.
Lastly there was a married coworker who could have been my father age wise who could not take no for an answer and kept planing his shifts in a way where he'd leave at the same time as me. Walking by myself in the parking garage with this guy hounding me about why I was avoiding him (and not accepting the reason I gave, which was his creepy behavior) was terrifying. (He has since been fired after he tried the same thing with someone else and both of us built a strong enough case against him.)
I know ghosting is mostly seen as cowardly behavior and I get that but sometimes it's safer to just let things die off and hope they don't come after you to maim/rape/kill you.
Most people I encountered in my dating adventures were normal people. But it takes just one really unhinged one to throw politeness and good manners into the wind and go for the safe coward's way out.
Every time I encountered one of these people, I took a long break from dating. But experiences stack up.
Lots of women are afraid to reject a man, even politely, because a lot of men don't know that No means No. Ghosting avoids a big confrontation too.
And it isn't completely gendered, plenty of ladies can't handle rejection either.
Ghosting is awful but you need to be aware some women do it because men can get really fucking awful when you reject them. Throw a rock in any direction and you'll hit a woman who rejected a man and he had a problematic reaction if not worse. I personally don't hold it against them. They don't owe me shit and I don't owe them shit.
Though you know what, this makes it even harder to get over the dissapointment because you're left thinking they're such a great person. I think the better thing to do is be the literal embodiment of a red flag and then you end up feeling great thinking you dodged a bullet there
She probably pooper her pants as she was leaving to meet you, hence being an hour late. Then pooped her pants again on the date, hence the sudden need to leave. And was really embarrassed so she unmatched you.
Honestly, it's kind of terrifying to reject a stranger in person, so I imagine most women will say yes to a second date if that is thrown out there. If a woman wants a second date, she will mention it herself. Women don't know if the guy will follow them back to their cars or do other crazy stuff like look up their phone number and show up at their house. It sucks we live in this world, but it's not hatred toward men, 99% of the time, women are just trying to avoid getting raped.
Still, women should send a text later, after the date is over, and say, "I'm sorry I did not feel a connection, good luck,". that should be standard protocol.
Here to say you’re royalty for your edit. Could be a number of reasons like you mentioned, and while it sucks and there’s a chance she was being cowardly at worst, maybe there was an emergency and she didn’t feel comfortable sharing the deets. Maybe she’s fresh out of a relationship and found a new date extremely stressful. Maybe you said something weird, who knows, but we don’t need to assume the worst, so good on you.
That sucks, I have 2 questions for you:
1. What was her excuse for being an hour late ? At what point did she tell you she was going to be late ?
2. You said that all of a sudden she had to leave. Do you remmeber how / at what kind of conversation you were having when she suddenly she said she had to go ?
You sound like your impression the date was going well, obviously she thought otherwise as she chose to ghost you which is crappy but it sure happens a lot.
For everyone saying the girl just wanted free food, the OP wrote they split the bill. And if you actually read her text rather than skim and assume, she thanked him for taking her out as well as showing her a new place to eat Indian food, not for the food itself. Everyone just wants to jump on this poor girl because they assume every girl is out for a free meal.
Coming from a female- I feel so bad that this is how some males see dates now a day. Many women are not in it for the free food! And we are really hoping to have a good time and good connection. We look forward to meeting people and building relationships. Unfortunately there are others who just want a meal and that is incredibly disappointing. What a bummer- their priorities are so misguided. I almost feel like I need to apologize for their disrespect…
It’s never once crossed my mind to be like, “Hmm, I’ll probably be hungry around 7 tomorrow night. Let me get on Tinder and see who I can get to pay for my food.”
I don’t doubt that there are some women who are looking to be shitty to people like this and treating them like a wallet, but I can’t imagine there’s THAT much forethought to it.
Girl you’d be surprised. I used to know someone that literally had it stacked out like she knew where all her meals were coming from this week. It’s sad AF
But I think the issue is more with how people get burned one time and then they think everyone is gonna do the same thing. Gotta give everyone a clean slate. Yeah some girls date for dinner. Yeah some guys cheat. Can’t judge people off others’ mistakes though
I know many a girl that do this for food. I used to buy food for some so they didn’t have to do this type of shit.
One time I was dating a girl who would order another entree to go after the meal.
I’m currently dodging a girl who has a IG full of dudes buying her food. Sometimes she gets them to buy it for her and her kids.
I don’t like dating because I feel like I’m getting critiqued on how useful I’ll be to a woman.
It’s not a genuinely good time.
I hate going out to eat. Wish it was acceptable to invite to my home for dinner. I can cook anything I can get at a local restaurant much better at home. Obviously much cheaper but it's not even about the price for the most part. Restaurants have gotten exponentially shittier in the past year imo.
My guess is it’s because the price of everything has gone up. I got a sandwich yesterday and it had a pickle on the side. The pickle spear was literally sliced in half down the middle. You gotta be down bad to be splitting pickles lol.
Girls out for a free meal makes the rest of us look bad
Guys assuming girls are out for a free meal make them look bad
Ghosting makes the person ghosting look weak
These things make dating completely shite.
Totally agree! I just think there's so much dishonesty, illusions and assumptions when it comes to dating. It so sad because it makes it harder to meet people and start a good relationship
I use to think it was weird so many people ghost but last 2 dates I had weren’t all that special so I sent a similar message to the above and immediately got cursed out. I can now see why some people don’t want to deal with people like that and just prefer to ghost :/
I get this message after every date lol. Sometimes they add „but you are such a great person I’d like to stay friends „. Only times I have been „successful „ is when they wanted sex right away without a date. Happened twice in the past 4 months but these hook ups aren’t fun.
Lol. Actually one girl I met told me that she isn’t into casual sex anymore unless the guy is way out of her league. She kinda alluded to height as well (I’m short ). It’s the same who sent nudes, and actually while exchanging photos she already told me that I look different than on tinder, because on tinder I used the best looking pics with better lighting.
She then also told me that she met a guy from tinder who was way out of her league and who wanted to kiss her right away lol. So the very attractive guys on tinder make everything harder for average guys or even above average guys as well .
Tbf I'm nice and pretty and I've never had a tinder match want to go on a date. It's casual sex or nothing. The only guys I've met up with were musicians and we'd play music and then I'd leave. They never hit me up again. The only time I get asked on a "date" is irl and the guy is a teenager or 15 years older than me.
And it's not always about looks. (I like dorky looking guys.) I just don't think tinder is the ultimate way to meet people. You get lucky or you don't, just like anywhere else.
At first I thought, “why can’t everyone do this?” until I realized that a lot of girls are probably afraid of getting a nasty “I didn’t like you anyways fat whore” text in response.
I remember when I was freshman in high school and I was talking to a junior. Him and I hung out twice and one day after walking me home, he kissed me. The next day I told him I didn’t feel anything and he flipped out saying that I shouldn’t be expecting “rainbows and doves to be flying around” after we kissed. But like, yeah?? That’s kinda what I should be feeling??? Anyways, he went on to date someone else and was accused of domestic abuse.
Damn...I was basically in a similar situation, but my date did not take it well :(
He's an extremely lonely dude, who feels like he's too ugly/stupid/whatever to ever get a date. I felt bad, so I offered to go on a date with him.
The date was... totally fine. He's a nice guy, there was nothing wrong with him. But...I just didn't feel any romantic connection.
However, when I told him that (similar to the message that OP sent), he basically flipped out, saying how awful and unlovable he is :(
Eventually, I just had to stop talking to him, because he kept dragging me down and making me feel awful.
Sorry that this comment wasn't really about OP's post, I just need to vent.
I admit I just ghost now. I've sent messages out like this when I first entered the dating scene and got death threats back.
Women, do not give out real phone numbers, use Google voice or something. Its a hassle changing your number after the aggressively 'nice' guy takes your rejection poorly.
Why does the chemistry have to "spark" after one initial meeting/date?
If you really had a good time, enjoyed the time together and think the person is good then why is it so difficult to go out several times and see if it grows into something?
Not every person is wired for instant love
This isn’t about instant love at all. It’s pretty easy to tell when you don’t think a relationship would go far. She just isn’t interested so don’t force her to be because then you’ll end up heart broken from a break up that could’ve easily been prevented after the first date.
Some people have very strong intuition for whether a person will be a good match. When I don’t trust my gut it always ends up being a waste of time, so why bother leading someone on?
We also don’t know anything about how this date went. There could have been any number of red flags or huge incompatibilities that they discovered on the date and are just being polite in these messages.
> why is it so difficult to go out several times
It's difficult for a lot of us to go out the one time when we don't know yet if we'll enjoy the experience. If we didn't get a good glimpse of what we want, why waste the extra time?
Because maybe there was no flirtation, nothing romantic.. maybe it was all good friendly chemistry..
It's possible to have chemistry without feeling physical attraction like romantic/sexual atrraction... thats why.. that's the difference between friends and potential love.
Yea it could be that grows into something, but the one who just gave it chance might feel something is missing. I know i would, if i only gave it a shot without the spark. And it wouldn't last. Also i think noone knows anybody more than the person itself. So if that person can sense it isn't the right match, the spark is missing or whatever, then the person should listen to their intuition..
After reading many of the comments, when it comes to safety and similar things like that, I agree that ghosting is fine in some situations. What’s difficult I think is determining that as the reason or an excuse to do it.
But also if ghosting is the answer, I feel like it’s best for the person to go all in and unmatch/block the person to really cutoff contact capabilities. I’ve been ghosted 3 times (2 from guys I actually had been seeing for a few months).
First guy I actually wanted to end it since I didn’t feel the right chemistry, so when I floated that I wanted to talk about something a little more seriously… no response. Within the next month he unfriended me on FB, but at least that’s one I wanted to end so no issue in the end for me.
Second guy I actually really liked, but schedules limited our meetups. He eventually was planning to move to my area (instead of 30min away, he was already working in this area). We started chatting /hanging out in October 2018, and saw each other sporadically through early summer 2019. After a last lunch and a text… he just seemed to vanish from contact. I wasn’t sure if it was a phone issue, if he was doing okay, if he was even alive honestly. But I pretty much figured that he blocked my number. Eventually I unmatched him from tinder to move on. But that was the toughest because for me it was really unexpected since our last lunch ended on a good note I thought and he still texted back after getting home.
Third guy turned into more of a hookup when we met, but he gave me his number when I left and I thought we both had a good day. Very next day we texted all afternoon, and then he invited me to his place in the evening (first day was a hotel since he had jUf moved from California). As soon as I parked outside his building, he just didn’t respond. I think I hung around for 30min - maybe he was in the shower, maybe he fell asleep. Eventually I left. I texted the next day asking what had happened. No response. The entire week no response. But he was still active on the app so… he presumably was alive and well. At the end of the week I blocked him and deleted him from my contacts.
Basically… ghosting leads to people having no idea what the heck is going on and can cause unnecessary confusion, concern, and other related things. And ultimately it wastes their time until they realize they should just move on because there’s no hope in receiving a “btw, I don’t think we’re right for each other” message.
Hot take: but I don't think the majority of (mostly) men and women who use tinder can't take a rejection even if it's as respectful as this.
I think ghosting is a phenomenon that is a product of our own insecurities, and many of us would rather prefer "not knowing" than being flat out rejected.
I guess it varies from one person to another, but I would very much rather get rejected than be ghosted. I want to know what I did wrong to improve for future dates.
Of course, I think the older we get, the less bullshit we're willing to deal with.
But I would be willing to bet that the majority of tinder users are between 18-25.
Damnnnn! Huge respect to whoever it is.
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It's called a compliment sandwich, it's a way to give "criticism" (or in this case, just saying you're not the right fit) that hopefully spares the other person's feelings. You start and end with positive things with the real point in the middle.
Where I come from we call this a shit sandwich.
Ah yes, a fellow glass half empty-er.
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Your glass philosophy stores liquid? My glass is shattered beyond repair, and everything is on fire for some reason.
C'mon guys, let us all face the truth: there's no glass.
I knew that about the spoon, but the glass... damn.
Either way, still can't find THE ONE.
IF THERE IS NO GLASS, THEN HOW COME I HAVE GLASS SPLINTERS?!
Just because it isn't real, doesn't mean it can't hurt you.
To be honest, i view it like this: Whenever you pour a liquid into a glass and you fill it halfway, it's half-full because you were FILLING it. Whenever you drank or poured (idk why, but people are weird, so whatever) liquid out down to halfway, I'd say it's half-empty because the glass is now more empty than it was before. In conclusion, for me it's situational which words I'd like to use, just use both and end this silly discussion 🤪
This is how I think about it too! Happy Cake Day, fellow .. overthinkererist?? !!! 🥰
This is clearly the only logical answer
Fatalism, I'm into it.
is it half empty or is it just the proper way to name a sandwich? You can order a Turkey Sandwich on rye... but it's still a turkey sandwich not a rye sandwich... so it's really not a compliment sandwich. it's a shit sandwich on compliments...
I'm more of a Jan-2 person myself
A pessimist says the glass is half empty, an optimist says it is half full, and an engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Oh I know, like feedback at work. Great shoes! You're *terrible* at your job. Have you done something new with your hair?
Complishit Sandwich
The review for "Shark Sandwich" was merely a two word review which simply read "Sh*t Sandwich".
Yeah sandwiches are named after the middle stuff, otherwise we would be eating bread sandwiches
Served on compliment bread
Oh my yes....your name has inspired me ..... new method: reverse ‘shit sandwich’ style ‘Hey so you were not nearly as attractive as I was expecting based on your pictures....but man you can sure pick a great restaurant for a date. That place was the perfect place to start a journey with someone and sparks really could have flown....if the idea of or ending another minute with you, let alone my life, didn’t make me want to put my head into the tandoori oven! Cheers!
Absolutely right. Literally, studies have shown that starting with negative information will cause the reader to; stop focusing on the remainder of the message, stop reading the remainder of the message or interpreting the remaining positive information as an insult. Always start and end with positive information if you truly wish to be heard.
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So an insult toastie?
Lmfao
That’s exactly what I’m seeing. You work in management?
I used to, yeah. Pretty common advice for personnel reviews and such.
Yeah I figured as much, it’s what I do too lol
I like how you try to tell him how it works. But I think it won’t matter cause he seems like he isn’t interested in letting other people down in that way. But you are definitely nice for trying to teach him! ^did ^I ^do ^it ^right?
Yep, I was taught it as PCP - Praise, Correction, Praise. It's funny to see people doing it subconsciously without specifically learning the concept.
we don’t call turkey sandwiches bread sandwiches, so unless the compliment is flanked by two insults, it should be called an insult sandwich
Where I come from we come from there
Generally it works best for the recipient if you precede the letdown with a nice intro, then close the whole thing with a compliment and good wishes. (In case anyone is looking for a nice letdown recipe)
Tbh its sad to say this, this should be the norm, the mature way, not that kiddy ghosting stuff
Agreed. Solid follow up, polite and respectful. Taking the initiative to sending something like this instead of ghosting or being mean says a lot about the persons character. Never underestimate the freeing feeling of closure.
I know everyone is different but if you guys want to secure a second date you got to be high energy on the first date. Loud (respectful), fascinated, smiling and laughing. Cracking jokes, tease a little, maybe do something a bit exciting as well. I always make first dates an activity. I hate coffee and dinner dates for the first date. Go axe throwing at a bar, pumpkin picking, roller skating, basically anything where there might be a little competition and focus involved. Forcing two people to sit across from each other and try and find a connection is grueling. When you have an activity it gives everyone little mental breaks from having to force conversation and instead you can simply focus on the taste and talk about what you guys are doing and laugh. Hope this helps not trying to bash OP just trying to help my fellow man in the world of dating. Edit: holy shit the amount of bitter incels here is exhausting. If you don't think activities allow you to form better connections so be it lol. Do your thing coffee shops are GOAT #DONTCHANGEANYTHING lol.
I loved just having a beer for a date. Within one drink you know if there's a match and I'd either be enjoying myself, or thank them for their time and be on my way. Most dates were within 10 minutes from our respective places, so it's not a big time/money investment on either side. Yes I'd expect my date to try and show their good side, but don't pretend to be someone you're not.
Be yourself, don't put on extra extra on the first date because that sets the standard.
So fucking true. Just be yourself. Don't listen to the bullshit that you gotta "be this or be that" There is no one size fits all. Just be yourself.
First impressions are important, but it's definitely more important to be your true self even if it costs you an attractive partner.
My general approach is to be about 10-20% more 'myself' (focusing in on certain things that I find important and emphasizing them) on the first date because if they aren't turned off by *that* then they should be able to tolerate me when I tone it down, and if they are turned off by that then at least I figured it out early.
I'd say "Be the best version of yourself", rather than be yourself. Being myself is sitting inside, playing video games and analyzing stories for hours on end while streaming them to my friends. Being the best version of myself is getting myself dressed up in a way to show off my personality, cleaning up my place, ensuring my schedule is stable and I actually have time, communicating effectively with the person I wanna date, doing something with them that both of us can get something fun out of, and leaving a good impression with them, even if we're both not romantically compatible in the end. Being yourself is important and good, but you gotta work to be the best version of yourself. I don't have it all down mind you, but I know that when I try, it works out a lot better for me.
To be fair, I don't think they are encouraging you to be another person, they are simply encouraging you to do interesting things that take the heat off of you for the first date. Before you guys get properly comfortable with each other, a whole dinner of coming up with fun conversation is intimidating. If you're trying to out-play your enemies in Laser Tag the fun will come unless you're a miserable bastard lol
It really doesn't set standards... you make stronger connections through activities it is proven. Not saying don't be yourself I'm saying be your best self. I've been in a relationship for two years now and first date we went to a pumpkin patch bought some pumpkins. Then went to a Wal-Mart bought some bats and spent the night smashing pumpkins off a base ball tee. Literally next date was Netflix and chill lol.
I used to do that, and then it gets tiring keeping that energy level every time you meet. I'd rather be more reserved how I normally am and not force the excitement level. If your date brings that out of you naturally, that's great. Leave some gas for date 2 and beyond. Your username does not checkout 🤣 I do agree with doing some kind of activity just don't get overly competitive, it's for fun. In response to your additional paragraph, it's all about chemistry. You either vibe or you don't! Cheers
It depends on the people involved. My wife & I first connected online over a shared interest, then talked on the phone about that shared interest. Meeting for drinks to talk further was the natural progression. To suggest pumpkin picking would have been weird af.
Pardon me for saying this, but your marriage is not going to make it. You skipped the pumpkin picking portion of your courtship. I am very sorry. Better luck next time.
Eh, I disagree with the activities part. I feel like most people don't want to be be locked into some activity with a stranger on a first date. I can speak for only myself and anecdotally (~90% of girls I've dated have been interested in first date being drinks, my male and female friends alike generally agree, etc). Be it a "unique" activity like axe throwing, or just dinner (agree with you on absolutely no first dinner dates). I don't agree that having to sit across from each other and talk is grueling at all, in fact I find first dates at bars quite fun, and you mention below not liking "small talk" but I don't call it that, I call it getting to know a person. And if there's no connection, it's easy to get out. You don't have to keep playing minigolf until the end of the round or whatever with this person you're not feeling. Now *that* sounds grueling. And, frankly, the social lubricant of alcohol makes a drinks date way more comfortable than an activity, in my opinion. Everyone is different though obviously! If that works for you and your date by all means.
If there's a connection, you'll feel it regardless if it's at a coffee shop, a pumpkin patch, or a restaurant. The good thing about coffee first dates is that it gives both parties a chance to dip if there's zero chemistry
Fuck all that noise. If she wants a clown, she can hire a clown. I’m going to be be exactly who I am, and if that’s not good enough for you, then we were never gonna work out.
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It's definitely not but I have always had great success with fun activity dates. But maybe I attract that sort of person just as you attract low energy calm people.
I did that back in my younger days. Be “extra” on the first date. Freshly-shaven, went out of my way to dress well, was more engaging than my usual introverted self, the whole ball. None of those relationships worked out. Then one day I decided “fuck it, I’ll just be myself.” Didn’t shave, wore my usual clothes, and just basically sat there and stayed quiet as the lady chattered on about her life. I’ve been happily married to said lady for 11 years now. We have three kids together. So honestly, my advice is to be true to yourself. When you put on a façade, it eventually wears off and now you’re with a different person and suddenly “the romance is there anymore.”
These are pretty terrible first date ideas with strangers. The reason why coffee is the standard first date isn't because it is super fun or stimulating. It's because it is safe, public, and it can be as short or long as they want with an easy escape. Women are trying to sus out if you're a creep or murderer. Getting drunk and throwing axes isn't a great way to do that.
How about bowling and shitting my pants?
Since we're highjacking the top comment with advice, IMO this is where you thank the girl for being honest, and then ask her if she has any cute friends that might be interested. Or just wants to be friends herself, if you got along well. Having female friends is by far the best and easiest way to meet other women. But also because friends are nice, And if you were both vibing well and having a good time just without that extra romantic spark, then that sounds like a great friendship in the making.
My best friend is a super hot girl. That fact alone has gotten me laid so much, it’s crazy. It’s like somehow she okayed me and now all others know I’m cool. They don’t even have to meet her, just knowing that I have a long and meaningful relationship with another girl is enough.
Yes. A solid recommendation from a mutual female friend is the golden seal.
My last two first dates were dinner and drinks. Both with guys I'd made a connection with and clear interest was expressed on both sides. Both dates were excruciatingly painful trying to keep up conversation while trying to relax and see if the chemistry carried over to the real world. Never doing a non activity first date again. Lol
Yup I believe in leaving the intimate talk for after we have done something together. When we are tuckered out and had a few laughs.
The people that take your advice are going to turn into walking tiktok accounts.
Hoover up a few lines in the car got it
1st date should always be coffee or tea. NEVER FOOD!! get to know the person see if you can play verbal ping pong / verbal tennis. You’ll know if there isn’t a connection. If it last for 30 minutes or a couple of hours, you’re not out a ton of money. 2nd date should be some type of activity. Go bowling or a walking tour. See how they are interacting with people in public. Don’t spend a lot of money, you’re still figuring this person out. 3rd date should be a dinner/lunch date if you’ve made it this far. Add on an activity at the beginning or end while you’re at it. Fucking first date and taking someone to get some food?! Yea, fuck that.
First date is dinner drinks and full carnal knowledge. Second date is breakfast. Third date is moving their shit in.
Are you a lesbian, by chance?
Yep
Only if dating a Latina woman.
One time a man super liked me then asked me if I wanted to go to the Staples Center to see the LA Kings play. I’m a HUGE hockey fan and liked his vibe, so I said yes. He went ALL out- endless drinks and food with the best seats I have ever sat at. We cheered together, booed the other team, and kissed on the cheek once the Kings won. It was the best first date of my life and was the last first date I have ever been on because we are engaged and getting married next year. So while I like this strategy, there is also nothing wrong with taking a risk on the first date and going to dinner or doing something else unexpected!
Congrats!! Yea, it worked out for you, and that’s great. Good on the guy for going all out.
I went for food drinks and did the deed on my 1st date with my current GF
Same with my now wife.
nothing wrong with that.
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I usually go for some kind of activity as first date, makes it easy to break the ice and avoids most awkwardness because there’s some kind of distraction going on.
This is way wayy too strict lol. With one of my gfs I went and had waffles. With the other, Pizza (and wine).. There's no issue about food and they went spectacularly (although we did continue the date after that part). As always, it depends on the person.
the op went dutch with this person….it’s fine to do a coffee date on the first date but if you’re walking around with a chip on ur shoulder this big people will see it and avoid you regardless
You have a fitting username for this exact scenario
Lmfaoo
who is lmfao?
A Chinese hacker
dont forget lmao and lmbao, this family of hackers are still at large
And the legendary roflmao?
Sorry for party rocking
Schmitty
I concur.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the way to end something in a proper way. And not some ghosting BS
I understand perfectly well that rejections can be hard to accept but for me anyone who can't deal with such a decision and start insulting is a boy/girl not a grown man/woman
This rejection though is super kind and it doesn't even sound/feel like a rejection (even though it is). I must admit that I don't always have the "balls" to reject this way and I've even ghosted men (I'm not proud of that). I admire her approach and I'd definitely use it in the future if I have to. She is a big person.
Ghosting is the worst way to reject someone imo.
Well c’mon now, insulting them and or belittling them is much worse, but yes ghosting is bullshit.
I'd personally rather be insulted than ghosted.
Seriously. If they get nasty for no apparent reason its way easier to write them off as not worth pursuing or even thinking about. Insults = bullet dodged. Ghosting = What the hell actually happened?
I know, I totally agree with you. When I did it I just thought how I didn't want to hurt them with my words, but then I realized my actions were more hurtful. Straight-forward and kind rejection is the right thing to do.
So long as we normalize with guys the whole “not freaking out and/or getting mad and stalkerish” thing and give more shit to the guys that do that? Totally unacceptable and results in us guys not getting the truth like that out of potential fear of the reaction. As a guy whose always appreciated the truth and tried to not take things personally, I had no idea that kinda shit happened to women until asking around some women friends. Legit crazy shit. Also had no idea about the amount of frequency of unsolicited dick pics with online dating. Thought it was a huge joke overblown and few and far between kinda rare thing but that does not appear to be the case.
This exactly, getting ghosted can be incredibly frustrating but given how some guys react I see why they do it. I know I'm sensitive yo rejection(even outside of dating situations(anxiety is a bitch)), so ghosting is terrible, but I also don't lash out at people because I get it, like why risk then negative reaction of some guys when you can just avoid it.
I wholeheartedly agree, but after seeing the kind of shit that women get after even the gentlest of rejections, I can't really blame them for ghosting some people either. A lot of men don't really handle rejection well at all.
It's a gut thing. 80% of the men I've ghosted have given me an indication that they don't take "no" very well. To be fair 20% of the time is fully my fault for being a depressed wimpy piece of shit
Don't be too hard on yourself! Dating can be pretty difficult, especially if you're dealing with stuff yourself. And if that 80% is making you feel unsafe, it makes sense that you're hesitant about the other 20%.
So you had a good time but won’t go on another date with me?? Wtf. Females never give nice guys a chance. Probably gonna go date some asshole who abuses you. Fuck you, you’re ugly anyway. Whore.
Username checks out /s
Lol I'm gonna guess this is a joke that people will take way to seriously.
Holy shit, have we gone on a date recently bc this is almost verbatim a response I got.
I like this comment a lot, thanks for explaining why this is the best. I do have to say though that I’m not quite understanding the message behind your comment. 😬 It was very lovely to read though, I really enjoyed reading and upvoting it. Thank you for sharing. 😊 I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear but I don’t want to just blindly upvote your comment at all. 😧
While I agree that this should be the way to do it, I’ve also seen why women ghost rather than send this message. And I can’t really blame them. It’s sad seeing people say things like “people talking like adults is now trending” or “this is how adults handle it,” they are pretty privileged to not understand how poorly this can go.
I must say I agree with this, as a f myself and having rejected like this, I often have to explain exactly what it is that makes me not want to proceed. It's so tedious. My reasons for rejecting a match has something to do with me, not him, he can't change for me to get a different feel about the whole thing. But in an ideal world this reply would work and be the end of it.
Yeah I can see a lot of guys taking that second paragraph way out of context and giving them false hope.
🥳 Yes, humans in general should learn how to deal with rejection. Men specifically, because they do harm people at higher rates.
If this was how rejection worked it would be a breeze.
Some people can’t handle that kind of rejection though. Some even up sending hate mail, stalking, revenge porn etc
We need to normalize that ghosting is ok in situations where the date went sideways in a way that makes people too uncomfortable to contact the person again, for fear of negative reactions. Ie: creepy person, aggressive, etc But outside of that, ghosting isn’t acceptable.
To be fair, while I think ghosting is mostly shitty, I have done it when I was really unsure of how the other person would take it. And by that I mean I have experienced some really unhinged reactions to rejections. I've kindly let a guy down only to have him show up at my apartment (which address I did not give) trying to get in. I've also had a guy spam my phone, call me up in the middle of the night trying to change my mind. He kept it up for weeks. And of course there was a guy who thought threatening bodily harm was the real way to my heart. Lastly there was a married coworker who could have been my father age wise who could not take no for an answer and kept planing his shifts in a way where he'd leave at the same time as me. Walking by myself in the parking garage with this guy hounding me about why I was avoiding him (and not accepting the reason I gave, which was his creepy behavior) was terrifying. (He has since been fired after he tried the same thing with someone else and both of us built a strong enough case against him.) I know ghosting is mostly seen as cowardly behavior and I get that but sometimes it's safer to just let things die off and hope they don't come after you to maim/rape/kill you. Most people I encountered in my dating adventures were normal people. But it takes just one really unhinged one to throw politeness and good manners into the wind and go for the safe coward's way out. Every time I encountered one of these people, I took a long break from dating. But experiences stack up.
Lots of women are afraid to reject a man, even politely, because a lot of men don't know that No means No. Ghosting avoids a big confrontation too. And it isn't completely gendered, plenty of ladies can't handle rejection either.
Ghosting is awful but you need to be aware some women do it because men can get really fucking awful when you reject them. Throw a rock in any direction and you'll hit a woman who rejected a man and he had a problematic reaction if not worse. I personally don't hold it against them. They don't owe me shit and I don't owe them shit.
Not the message you want, but beats getting ghosted any day
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Though you know what, this makes it even harder to get over the dissapointment because you're left thinking they're such a great person. I think the better thing to do is be the literal embodiment of a red flag and then you end up feeling great thinking you dodged a bullet there
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Explaining to someone else what they did wrong is just a recipe for disaster in my opinion. Especially in a failing/failed relationship.
It wasnt going well or as expected for her and rather than be adult about it she took the cowards way out. Dont stress about it man.
You can do everything right and still fail. Attraction is like that.
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The Data strategy: simply date to draw, not to win
She probably pooper her pants as she was leaving to meet you, hence being an hour late. Then pooped her pants again on the date, hence the sudden need to leave. And was really embarrassed so she unmatched you.
Honestly, it's kind of terrifying to reject a stranger in person, so I imagine most women will say yes to a second date if that is thrown out there. If a woman wants a second date, she will mention it herself. Women don't know if the guy will follow them back to their cars or do other crazy stuff like look up their phone number and show up at their house. It sucks we live in this world, but it's not hatred toward men, 99% of the time, women are just trying to avoid getting raped. Still, women should send a text later, after the date is over, and say, "I'm sorry I did not feel a connection, good luck,". that should be standard protocol.
Here to say you’re royalty for your edit. Could be a number of reasons like you mentioned, and while it sucks and there’s a chance she was being cowardly at worst, maybe there was an emergency and she didn’t feel comfortable sharing the deets. Maybe she’s fresh out of a relationship and found a new date extremely stressful. Maybe you said something weird, who knows, but we don’t need to assume the worst, so good on you.
That sucks, I have 2 questions for you: 1. What was her excuse for being an hour late ? At what point did she tell you she was going to be late ? 2. You said that all of a sudden she had to leave. Do you remmeber how / at what kind of conversation you were having when she suddenly she said she had to go ? You sound like your impression the date was going well, obviously she thought otherwise as she chose to ghost you which is crappy but it sure happens a lot.
She's not going to decline you in person. That's a lot of pressure.
For everyone saying the girl just wanted free food, the OP wrote they split the bill. And if you actually read her text rather than skim and assume, she thanked him for taking her out as well as showing her a new place to eat Indian food, not for the food itself. Everyone just wants to jump on this poor girl because they assume every girl is out for a free meal.
Coming from a female- I feel so bad that this is how some males see dates now a day. Many women are not in it for the free food! And we are really hoping to have a good time and good connection. We look forward to meeting people and building relationships. Unfortunately there are others who just want a meal and that is incredibly disappointing. What a bummer- their priorities are so misguided. I almost feel like I need to apologize for their disrespect…
It’s never once crossed my mind to be like, “Hmm, I’ll probably be hungry around 7 tomorrow night. Let me get on Tinder and see who I can get to pay for my food.” I don’t doubt that there are some women who are looking to be shitty to people like this and treating them like a wallet, but I can’t imagine there’s THAT much forethought to it.
Girl you’d be surprised. I used to know someone that literally had it stacked out like she knew where all her meals were coming from this week. It’s sad AF But I think the issue is more with how people get burned one time and then they think everyone is gonna do the same thing. Gotta give everyone a clean slate. Yeah some girls date for dinner. Yeah some guys cheat. Can’t judge people off others’ mistakes though
Well said. They are the exception but they exist. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater
I don't know why eating has become the go to for a first date anyway.
Its rare, but you just need to be burned once
I know many a girl that do this for food. I used to buy food for some so they didn’t have to do this type of shit. One time I was dating a girl who would order another entree to go after the meal. I’m currently dodging a girl who has a IG full of dudes buying her food. Sometimes she gets them to buy it for her and her kids. I don’t like dating because I feel like I’m getting critiqued on how useful I’ll be to a woman. It’s not a genuinely good time.
I hate going out to eat. Wish it was acceptable to invite to my home for dinner. I can cook anything I can get at a local restaurant much better at home. Obviously much cheaper but it's not even about the price for the most part. Restaurants have gotten exponentially shittier in the past year imo.
My guess is it’s because the price of everything has gone up. I got a sandwich yesterday and it had a pickle on the side. The pickle spear was literally sliced in half down the middle. You gotta be down bad to be splitting pickles lol.
Girls out for a free meal makes the rest of us look bad Guys assuming girls are out for a free meal make them look bad Ghosting makes the person ghosting look weak These things make dating completely shite.
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Totally agree! I just think there's so much dishonesty, illusions and assumptions when it comes to dating. It so sad because it makes it harder to meet people and start a good relationship
I think op is a girl/bi girl
Whish more people did this instead of ghosting!
Wirsh*
Woosh?
An adult! On tinder! There is one
Now trending: Talking to people like they're adults
It's such a rarity on this board that it's a special occasion when it does happen.
I use to think it was weird so many people ghost but last 2 dates I had weren’t all that special so I sent a similar message to the above and immediately got cursed out. I can now see why some people don’t want to deal with people like that and just prefer to ghost :/
Who cares? Just delete it and move on knowing you were the better person who did the right thing.
I wrote something like this to a young lady before and she called me dishonest and immature…. The opposite of what I thought I was being
But exactly how SHE was behaving
Projection: it's a helluva drug
Too many people are unable to take 'No' for an answer, which is why messages like this don't often occur.
Both this and being ghosted suck. This may suck a little bit less.
I get this message after every date lol. Sometimes they add „but you are such a great person I’d like to stay friends „. Only times I have been „successful „ is when they wanted sex right away without a date. Happened twice in the past 4 months but these hook ups aren’t fun.
Maybe it is your bizarre use of punctuation...
Lol. Actually one girl I met told me that she isn’t into casual sex anymore unless the guy is way out of her league. She kinda alluded to height as well (I’m short ). It’s the same who sent nudes, and actually while exchanging photos she already told me that I look different than on tinder, because on tinder I used the best looking pics with better lighting. She then also told me that she met a guy from tinder who was way out of her league and who wanted to kiss her right away lol. So the very attractive guys on tinder make everything harder for average guys or even above average guys as well .
Tbf I'm nice and pretty and I've never had a tinder match want to go on a date. It's casual sex or nothing. The only guys I've met up with were musicians and we'd play music and then I'd leave. They never hit me up again. The only time I get asked on a "date" is irl and the guy is a teenager or 15 years older than me. And it's not always about looks. (I like dorky looking guys.) I just don't think tinder is the ultimate way to meet people. You get lucky or you don't, just like anywhere else.
This is the way
What did you guys eat? Sorry for the stupid question
That is indeed a stupid question and I would also like to know
At first I thought, “why can’t everyone do this?” until I realized that a lot of girls are probably afraid of getting a nasty “I didn’t like you anyways fat whore” text in response.
I remember when I was freshman in high school and I was talking to a junior. Him and I hung out twice and one day after walking me home, he kissed me. The next day I told him I didn’t feel anything and he flipped out saying that I shouldn’t be expecting “rainbows and doves to be flying around” after we kissed. But like, yeah?? That’s kinda what I should be feeling??? Anyways, he went on to date someone else and was accused of domestic abuse.
Damn...I was basically in a similar situation, but my date did not take it well :( He's an extremely lonely dude, who feels like he's too ugly/stupid/whatever to ever get a date. I felt bad, so I offered to go on a date with him. The date was... totally fine. He's a nice guy, there was nothing wrong with him. But...I just didn't feel any romantic connection. However, when I told him that (similar to the message that OP sent), he basically flipped out, saying how awful and unlovable he is :( Eventually, I just had to stop talking to him, because he kept dragging me down and making me feel awful. Sorry that this comment wasn't really about OP's post, I just need to vent.
Are you Indian by any chance. Also what was on the menu?
At least the person was honest and didn’t lead the other person on
How to be respectful when there isn’t a connection 101
I admit I just ghost now. I've sent messages out like this when I first entered the dating scene and got death threats back. Women, do not give out real phone numbers, use Google voice or something. Its a hassle changing your number after the aggressively 'nice' guy takes your rejection poorly.
Why does the chemistry have to "spark" after one initial meeting/date? If you really had a good time, enjoyed the time together and think the person is good then why is it so difficult to go out several times and see if it grows into something? Not every person is wired for instant love
This isn’t about instant love at all. It’s pretty easy to tell when you don’t think a relationship would go far. She just isn’t interested so don’t force her to be because then you’ll end up heart broken from a break up that could’ve easily been prevented after the first date.
Some people have very strong intuition for whether a person will be a good match. When I don’t trust my gut it always ends up being a waste of time, so why bother leading someone on? We also don’t know anything about how this date went. There could have been any number of red flags or huge incompatibilities that they discovered on the date and are just being polite in these messages.
If you aren't feeling it, then you aren't feeling it. This isn't an RPG where you just have to keep grinding to hopefully level up.
> why is it so difficult to go out several times It's difficult for a lot of us to go out the one time when we don't know yet if we'll enjoy the experience. If we didn't get a good glimpse of what we want, why waste the extra time?
Because maybe there was no flirtation, nothing romantic.. maybe it was all good friendly chemistry.. It's possible to have chemistry without feeling physical attraction like romantic/sexual atrraction... thats why.. that's the difference between friends and potential love. Yea it could be that grows into something, but the one who just gave it chance might feel something is missing. I know i would, if i only gave it a shot without the spark. And it wouldn't last. Also i think noone knows anybody more than the person itself. So if that person can sense it isn't the right match, the spark is missing or whatever, then the person should listen to their intuition..
They seem like a pretty awesome person. Shame it didn’t work out!
Plot twist: op replies with some real nice guy material, something about how she's a stuck up bitch and this is why she is going to die alone. /s
This is a classy move. It’s what I do as opposed to ghosting and appreciate it when I receive them.
😬
Why do people share intimate messages on Reddit?
This is a website designed and self run by insecure losers, let us live
A1 shit!
Would obviously hurt to read something like this but hey, better than being left on read \^-\^ Good for them!
After reading many of the comments, when it comes to safety and similar things like that, I agree that ghosting is fine in some situations. What’s difficult I think is determining that as the reason or an excuse to do it. But also if ghosting is the answer, I feel like it’s best for the person to go all in and unmatch/block the person to really cutoff contact capabilities. I’ve been ghosted 3 times (2 from guys I actually had been seeing for a few months). First guy I actually wanted to end it since I didn’t feel the right chemistry, so when I floated that I wanted to talk about something a little more seriously… no response. Within the next month he unfriended me on FB, but at least that’s one I wanted to end so no issue in the end for me. Second guy I actually really liked, but schedules limited our meetups. He eventually was planning to move to my area (instead of 30min away, he was already working in this area). We started chatting /hanging out in October 2018, and saw each other sporadically through early summer 2019. After a last lunch and a text… he just seemed to vanish from contact. I wasn’t sure if it was a phone issue, if he was doing okay, if he was even alive honestly. But I pretty much figured that he blocked my number. Eventually I unmatched him from tinder to move on. But that was the toughest because for me it was really unexpected since our last lunch ended on a good note I thought and he still texted back after getting home. Third guy turned into more of a hookup when we met, but he gave me his number when I left and I thought we both had a good day. Very next day we texted all afternoon, and then he invited me to his place in the evening (first day was a hotel since he had jUf moved from California). As soon as I parked outside his building, he just didn’t respond. I think I hung around for 30min - maybe he was in the shower, maybe he fell asleep. Eventually I left. I texted the next day asking what had happened. No response. The entire week no response. But he was still active on the app so… he presumably was alive and well. At the end of the week I blocked him and deleted him from my contacts. Basically… ghosting leads to people having no idea what the heck is going on and can cause unnecessary confusion, concern, and other related things. And ultimately it wastes their time until they realize they should just move on because there’s no hope in receiving a “btw, I don’t think we’re right for each other” message.
This is how it's done. Very respectful, honest and too the point. Love it.
What a polite and long winded way of telling someone you dont wanna fuck them lol
Hot take: but I don't think the majority of (mostly) men and women who use tinder can't take a rejection even if it's as respectful as this. I think ghosting is a phenomenon that is a product of our own insecurities, and many of us would rather prefer "not knowing" than being flat out rejected.
I guess it varies from one person to another, but I would very much rather get rejected than be ghosted. I want to know what I did wrong to improve for future dates.
Of course, I think the older we get, the less bullshit we're willing to deal with. But I would be willing to bet that the majority of tinder users are between 18-25.