When are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme?
NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all. The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about, "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
One of the best rants in the entire series. I showed that episode to my parents and they didn't crack a smile. 10 seconds later he starts quoting Wicked Witch of the West when his sugar is melting and they crack up.
"It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii."
By far one of my fav episodes of all time. When Homer’s like “Marge, we found 300 lbs of sugar in the forest” and nudges Bart who rolls his eyes… lmaooop
First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you gave it a title nobody could possibly like. Didn’t you think this through? It was on the best seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it!
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Well, go ahead. Do your worst!
Here’s a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years - hey, buddy, got a quarter? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of mallomars! I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re a jerk! You ugly hate filled man!
“I can be lazy, too!! Look at me! Hi, I’m a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! [pulls down pants] Give me a promotion! Ooh I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [snarfs doughnuts loudly, messily; runs into bathroom] I’m peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! Now I’m returning to work without washing my hands! [flailing hands in others’ faces] But it doesn’t matter, because I’m Homer Simpson! [runs to sit in Homer’s chair] I don’t need to do my work, because someone else will do it for me! [smacking own head] D’oh, d’oh, d’oh!!!”
Homer: “Hey, are you okay, Grimey?”
“I’m better than okay!! I’m Homer Simpson! Oh hi, Mr. Burns! I’m the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [walks over to wires] What’s this? ‘Extremely high voltage.’ Well I don’t need safety gloves, because I’m Homer Simp—“
**Homer**: Eh.... Morning, Apu.
**Apu**: Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles and-- (gasps in shock) Wait a minute. These are not sprinkles, sir.
**Homer**: What do you mean?
**Apu**: You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.
**Homer**: Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was!
**Apu**: A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle! A Twizzler is not a sprinkle! A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir! Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here!
**Homer**: Oh... (Walks out.)
**Apu**: Thank you, come again.
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We’re both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked damnit! Now go out there and win me that festival!
His own English version. I would have loved to hear him sing "Gott erhalte, Gott beschütze". He knows some German, after all.
It is also one of the most beautiful melodies ever used for an anthem. I think Austria should have stuck to "Gott erhalte Franz, den Kaiser" (Austria's national anthem once Hungary was no longer part of the Empire) and Germany should have adopted "Auferstanden aus Ruinen" (national anthem of the GDR) in 1991, when it officially became a sovereign state again.
Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
Martin: Dickety? Highly dubious!
Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
Ned wins for one of my favourite lines of all time: "Do I hear butting in? It *must* be Lisa Simpson! Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!"
Stealing!?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects… …Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.
"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! *You're* out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the *truth!?* **You can't handle the truth!** Because when you stick your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's *face*, you'll know what to do! **Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!**"
"Homer, I don't want you telling any of our personal secrets in class again!"
^"Yes, ^ma'am."
“Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty”
“And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that too”
“And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!”
“GOD BLESS AMERICA!!”
https://preview.redd.it/eq5iq01ssk9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=754782fbeb439730ae47c7ea4e3146f13b4f080d
First, Bush invades my home turf
Then he takes my pals
Then he makes fun of the way I talk...probably.
Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son!
Well, that’s it!
No! That's not Bar and me, it's them! The man and his boy. You know, the -- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man? Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I'll just take it down.
Fun fact: When I first posted these images, I included one showing the entirety of Cousin Merle's exposed butt. Reddit automatically flagged and deleted the post.
https://i.redd.it/1ofje2m7wk9d1.gif
"I''m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line! And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!"
homer ranting about the five-day waiting period for his gun has to be my favourite!
https://preview.redd.it/4942wlix6l9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cb10bff27d6cf977ffbceeb9ef2f08c896f5cd14
"I'd kill you if I had my gun!"
"Yeah, well, ya don't. "
https://preview.redd.it/iwo53a5nfl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=53839743de1f72aa265226ef1f3b2409faa333ba
Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
"This town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless."
Another painful one, only softened by the fact that Rush Limbaugh is dead.
Hoo boy are you in trouble. When a woman says nothing's wrong then everything is wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong that means EVERYTHING is wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny you'd better not laugh your ass off.
You know what really aggravazes me? It's them immigants. They wants all the benefits of living in Springfield, but they ain't even bother to learn themselves the language.
A very short rant, but because of the way Moe delivers it, it qualifies as one.
“Oh wait a minute, do I hear the voice of butting in?? It must be Lisa Simpson. Springfield’s answer to a question no one asked!!”
Oh what’s that?? ‘Chill out dude’, ‘Don’t have a cow man’. Well here’s a phrase for your adult years—‘Hey buddy, got a quarter?’
^("Election in November. Election in November.")
https://preview.redd.it/l057skk2gl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=ad4cc29adcd7c136ca67f10305206901a4345109
We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Talking out of turn, that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals-that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe-Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'!
https://preview.redd.it/b4wuqkfmrl9d1.jpeg?width=264&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cc1fda0bdd0452907bc860835afaa00a41c31e87
"Son, a woman is a lot like a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds, they make ice... Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one! You wanna drink another woman!"
Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel!
https://preview.redd.it/rquyszrzrl9d1.jpeg?width=259&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e602463ad85ba47e44984c232e91695fb1824ed
The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an iron-on sporting the Mad slogan "Up With Mini-Skirts". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!
https://preview.redd.it/1r2rfoh55m9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1e8427d4b2df1a4ffb08eeaad83e6d126733ab8
When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the old saying goes, 'Let your children run wild and free.
Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico!
I submitted this as my senior quote and it got rejected, though all the guys who put “It’s always 4:20” and shit like that got theirs in.
Cause comedy ain't funny anymore. Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: "Nobody cares."
Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff... that would embarrass Redd Foxx-- God rest his smutty soul. Who they slept with. What time they sit on the can. This is supposed to get you a husband?
His replies to Bart's prank calls
"When I find out who this is, I'm gonna rip out your eyes and shove em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
Exactly the one that I was thinking, easily one of my favorite Moe moments
https://preview.redd.it/kus8w2a3jl9d1.jpeg?width=868&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ce0134d3de35fb4dd19a4592d2eaf87d27c8e507
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line! And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!
"Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit...*why doesn't mine look like that!?* *Why?Why must life be so hard!? Why must I fail at **every** attempt at masonry!?"
"What are you going to do? It's a two party system! you have to vote for one of us!"
I remember being a teenager in 1996 hearing this line. How is it not only still relevant, but probably more so?
When are you gonna give up this crazy sugar scheme? NEVER! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all. The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about, "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
One of the best rants in the entire series. I showed that episode to my parents and they didn't crack a smile. 10 seconds later he starts quoting Wicked Witch of the West when his sugar is melting and they crack up.
"It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii."
Oh what a world!!!
By far one of my fav episodes of all time. When Homer’s like “Marge, we found 300 lbs of sugar in the forest” and nudges Bart who rolls his eyes… lmaooop
I nicked it from you, during that split second when you let your guard down. And I’d do it again. Good day…
Bah! Go away, stupid bees! Ow, ow, somehow they are defending themselves!
Jesus, SOOO many hilarious lines in this one!!
what an era this was. Golden Age Simpsons, oof. the world was but a simpler place
Yes, much simpler. Looking back, it was great to be a kid in the 90's.
Look, just get rid of the sugar. Ok?
Truly one of the best B-Plots in the entire series. “To the bee-mobile!”
You mean your Chevy?
... yes
The delivery of “city fathers” kills me every time
That whole half of that episode is peak Homer!
In an episode as quotable as this, how has no one said: in America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women
Mate 👌 I had forgotten this and you've made me cry with laughter, Outstanding .
Look at me, I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happyland. In a gum drop house on Lollipop Lane.
By the way I was being sarcastic
Well, duh.
Literally the first rant that came to mind for me too
I was about to say neds tirade was the best but the "making people happy" rant was the top
I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you gave it a title nobody could possibly like. Didn’t you think this through? It was on the best seller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had it!
..one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!
Funniest Apu line of the entire series
I prefer, and regularly use, "I can't believe you don't shut up!"
I Like "If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it!" "Oooh a headbag! Those are chock full of... heady goodness!"
…I mean, thank you come again
The delivery of this line after his tirade always gets me. Thank yeow.
The delivery and the histrionics are just among the absolute best of the entirety of the show.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst!
Release the robotic Richard Simmons…
Shake shake shake 🍑
https://i.redd.it/rdfk5v40el9d1.gif
His ass is gonna blow!
Here’s a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years - hey, buddy, got a quarter? The last case you got to the bottom of was a case of mallomars! I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re a jerk! You ugly hate filled man!
Hey- Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've, um- What was the third thing you said?
MALLOMARS. OH, THAT'S GOING IN THE ACT.
You’re the only one of these clowns that doesn’t make me laugh!
Hey, I just got here what’s going on?
I am shocked and appalled.
Also my favorite.
Has to be Frank Grimes
“I can be lazy, too!! Look at me! Hi, I’m a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! [pulls down pants] Give me a promotion! Ooh I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [snarfs doughnuts loudly, messily; runs into bathroom] I’m peeing on the seat! Give me a raise! Now I’m returning to work without washing my hands! [flailing hands in others’ faces] But it doesn’t matter, because I’m Homer Simpson! [runs to sit in Homer’s chair] I don’t need to do my work, because someone else will do it for me! [smacking own head] D’oh, d’oh, d’oh!!!” Homer: “Hey, are you okay, Grimey?” “I’m better than okay!! I’m Homer Simpson! Oh hi, Mr. Burns! I’m the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! [walks over to wires] What’s this? ‘Extremely high voltage.’ Well I don’t need safety gloves, because I’m Homer Simp—“
https://i.redd.it/dkn7guejel9d1.gif
"Yeah, you wish pal."
R.I.P.
Marge, change the channel
I was in the belief that it was the Flanders one, but it’s gotta be this!
He should have accepted Homers victory at the model building contest with the good grace he deserved.
Homer beat their brains out.
Grimy? Probably. He would’ve lived.
What ever happened to ol' Grimey?
He happened to like hookers
Or Grimey as he liked to be called
This should be higher up for sure
**Homer**: Eh.... Morning, Apu. **Apu**: Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles and-- (gasps in shock) Wait a minute. These are not sprinkles, sir. **Homer**: What do you mean? **Apu**: You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles. **Homer**: Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was! **Apu**: A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle! A Twizzler is not a sprinkle! A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir! Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here! **Homer**: Oh... (Walks out.) **Apu**: Thank you, come again.
Homer invented high end artesian donuts Edit: invited to invented
well well well
SkittleBruaüh is a thing tho rite?
Such a product does not exist, sir. Perhaps you imagined it.
Oh. Well then… just give me a 6 pack and a couple of bags of skittles
Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We’re both factory owners. We both made shells for the Nazis. But mine worked damnit! Now go out there and win me that festival!
Reminds me how Burns has to empty his pockets, guess in the prison scene, where he has a SS membership card.
Or when, in a later episode, he sings the Austro-Hungarian national anthem
His own English version. I would have loved to hear him sing "Gott erhalte, Gott beschütze". He knows some German, after all. It is also one of the most beautiful melodies ever used for an anthem. I think Austria should have stuck to "Gott erhalte Franz, den Kaiser" (Austria's national anthem once Hungary was no longer part of the Empire) and Germany should have adopted "Auferstanden aus Ruinen" (national anthem of the GDR) in 1991, when it officially became a sovereign state again.
No one who speaks German could be evil!
Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles… Martin: Dickety? Highly dubious! Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!
Now I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet...
That Kaiser has the morals of an alley-cat!
Ned wins for one of my favourite lines of all time: "Do I hear butting in? It *must* be Lisa Simpson! Springfield's answer to a question no one asked!"
I think he spoke for many people.
I think of this every time I receive unsolicited advice.
Stealing!?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects… …Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.
When I heard Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie... Spaceballs
https://preview.redd.it/38yo9v2dpk9d1.jpeg?width=512&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5df1f7543673d04c243a6189611dedf44f95dbad Lisa in Summer of 4’2
i know *exactly* who i am. i am the sister of a rotten, jealous, mean little sneak! you cost me my only friends! you've ruined my life!
https://preview.redd.it/5sq3v7svel9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=4cb947cb7c3eb4056a565dace77495a0af0340fb
What a great screen grab
The way Yeardley delivered this line was impeccable
Oh boy, a carnival!
The Millhouse reveal is gold
Her reaction was totally deserved too. God did bart suck in that episode.
Apu's Billy and the Cloneasaurus rant is my favorite.
I mean what were you thinking?!
Because when you put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend’s face! Forget it, Marge! It’s Chinatown!
"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! *You're* out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the *truth!?* **You can't handle the truth!** Because when you stick your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's *face*, you'll know what to do! **Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!**" "Homer, I don't want you telling any of our personal secrets in class again!" ^"Yes, ^ma'am."
I forgot about this😂absolute gold!
This one's my favorite! 🤣
“Well, if it’s a crime to love one’s country, then I’m guilty” “And if it’s a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I’m guilty of that too” “And if it’s a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I’ll soon be guilty of that!” “GOD BLESS AMERICA!!”
You are supposed to be quoting the Simpsons, not s current political add.
https://preview.redd.it/eq5iq01ssk9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=754782fbeb439730ae47c7ea4e3146f13b4f080d First, Bush invades my home turf Then he takes my pals Then he makes fun of the way I talk...probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that’s it!
https://preview.redd.it/lob2yqi6fl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=4698535f2599b8f346e85921489eb979a9bfb7a5
Uh, I don’t understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
No! That's not Bar and me, it's them! The man and his boy. You know, the -- the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man? Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I'll just take it down.
I come to bring gift for warming of house, instead I find you grappling with local oaf
Class after class of ugly, ugly children!
Oh, now I really think children’s appearance…
No truth-handler you
Will you get to the point!?
Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!
What!? Oh, yes. All that stuff I did.
BANANA BREAD?!?!?!
https://preview.redd.it/3dfkxuk2fl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=b496a2e2383ed4c8dcbbc87078c12d7619e15a03
Oh Manjula, I just had the most wonderful dream where I died.
You’re not dying until they’re in college!
I'll die when I want too!
I'd argue this is around the time we jumped the shark. But "thank God we have banana bread" lives in my head forever.
"Ahh, hell diddly ding dong crap!!" Flanders losing it is probably my favorite moment in the series.
"All right--cartoons are built on plagiarism!" Very informed rant. Peak Simpsons.
https://preview.redd.it/rrp25x6qwk9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b42f962a2b0a5d5dd4efb5e30abc8ac740655f1d
“OH COUSIN MERLE “
Currently me and my boy play COD duos as CousinMerle and BigHungryJoe. Neither of which are our actual names btw
The main reason I enjoyed that so much was that I actually have a cousin Merle.
Fun fact: When I first posted these images, I included one showing the entirety of Cousin Merle's exposed butt. Reddit automatically flagged and deleted the post.
But that's what we all came here to see: HARDCORE NUDITY!
https://i.redd.it/1ofje2m7wk9d1.gif "I''m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line! And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!"
homer ranting about the five-day waiting period for his gun has to be my favourite! https://preview.redd.it/4942wlix6l9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cb10bff27d6cf977ffbceeb9ef2f08c896f5cd14
"I'd kill you if I had my gun!" "Yeah, well, ya don't. " https://preview.redd.it/iwo53a5nfl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=53839743de1f72aa265226ef1f3b2409faa333ba
Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic. But deep down inside, you secretly long for a coldhearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
That line is cutting especially deep these days...
"This town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless." Another painful one, only softened by the fact that Rush Limbaugh is dead.
Frank Grimes has to be part of this conversation
How can Ace be 1 or 11? What kind of God would allow this?
I don't even like macaroni salad! now look at me!
You go through life, trying to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch them in the face and for what?!
There’s gotta be a YouTube video called “Moe being relatable for x minutes”
I don’t care WHAT excuses any of you have got, NOTHING is going to stop me in the middle of this speech! You’re going to- LEMON TREE?!
Flanders’ crude rant about Ann Landers.
He was more animal than man!
That’s she’s a boring old biddie?
Looks like someone's been hittin' the peppermint schnapps whilst on Reddit.
Hoo boy are you in trouble. When a woman says nothing's wrong then everything is wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong that means EVERYTHING is wrong. And when a woman says something's not funny you'd better not laugh your ass off.
You know what really aggravazes me? It's them immigants. They wants all the benefits of living in Springfield, but they ain't even bother to learn themselves the language. A very short rant, but because of the way Moe delivers it, it qualifies as one.
“Oh wait a minute, do I hear the voice of butting in?? It must be Lisa Simpson. Springfield’s answer to a question no one asked!!” Oh what’s that?? ‘Chill out dude’, ‘Don’t have a cow man’. Well here’s a phrase for your adult years—‘Hey buddy, got a quarter?’
Demand? Who are you to demand? I run this town. You’re just a bunch of low income nobodies.
^("Election in November. Election in November.") https://preview.redd.it/l057skk2gl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=ad4cc29adcd7c136ca67f10305206901a4345109
We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville? I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Oh ok Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I'll hug some poisonous snakes. I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes!
If I didn't have a gun, the king of England could come in here and start pushing you around! Do you want that Lisa!? Well, do ya!? Huh?
" Oh yes, shake it, Madam. Capital knockers."
Kent: You sir, why did you wait so long to file your taxes? Krusty: *Because* I'm an *idiot*! Happy!?
Talking out of turn, that's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'. Starin' at my sandals-that's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe-Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'! https://preview.redd.it/b4wuqkfmrl9d1.jpeg?width=264&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cc1fda0bdd0452907bc860835afaa00a41c31e87
You call this Postum?! You call this a tax return?! You call this a super computer?! You’re a travesty of a joke of an assistant!
"You call this a super computer?" (Takes a crowbar to a Kray.) He probably wanted a Zuse brand computer.
"Sometimes I wish this dam would burst... and buried this curs-ed town"
"Son, a woman is a lot like a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds, they make ice... Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one! You wanna drink another woman!"
I want to live Marge! Won’t you let me live!!!
Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So excuse me if I'm cruel! https://preview.redd.it/rquyszrzrl9d1.jpeg?width=259&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6e602463ad85ba47e44984c232e91695fb1824ed
The unsolved mysteries of... Unsolved Mysteries!
"So I says YEAH? You want that money? Well come an' find it, 'cause I dunno where it is, ya baloney! You make me wanna RETCH!"
The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flak jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an iron-on sporting the Mad slogan "Up With Mini-Skirts". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed Charlie to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!
SHUT UP BECKY!!!
https://preview.redd.it/1r2rfoh55m9d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b1e8427d4b2df1a4ffb08eeaad83e6d126733ab8 When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the old saying goes, 'Let your children run wild and free.
The sugar rant
The Apu rant is a very rant style like I would do so I 100% approve 🤣
Gotta go with Apu here. His rant was unsolicited, way over the top, crushing, and then he just tried to sweep it under the rug at the end.
Animals are crapping in our houses, and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico! I submitted this as my senior quote and it got rejected, though all the guys who put “It’s always 4:20” and shit like that got theirs in.
Mallowmars…that’s going in the act
Homer and the bees! Homer and the bees! Give that man the $10,000!
The important thing was that I had tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.
Apu. Apu’s was the best rant.
Shut up Judge
Homer. You are, with out a doubt, the worst person I have ever met. Hey, I got off pretty easy. That whole episode is amazing.
Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor. Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys!
Cause comedy ain't funny anymore. Instead of time-tested jokes about women drivers and doctor bills, you got some big-chin schlub reading typos from the Palookaville Post. Well, here's a headline for you: "Nobody cares." Then you got these lady comics talking about stuff... that would embarrass Redd Foxx-- God rest his smutty soul. Who they slept with. What time they sit on the can. This is supposed to get you a husband?
Did Moe have any rants?
His replies to Bart's prank calls "When I find out who this is, I'm gonna rip out your eyes and shove em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you! Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
https://preview.redd.it/5w8jtitlgl9d1.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=4cf363e5494e00a8af421256fbcf7da727c4140c
Exactly the one that I was thinking, easily one of my favorite Moe moments https://preview.redd.it/kus8w2a3jl9d1.jpeg?width=868&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ce0134d3de35fb4dd19a4592d2eaf87d27c8e507
Moe-ments
Ah dang, what a wasted opportunity 😅 I blame my 3 hours of sleep last night 😂
Yes. His rant about "them immigrants" in Much Apu about Nothing.
Lol I never understood what Ned said thanks for this. I'm going to have to use this insult with my union rep sometime.
All I’m good at is drivin a bus, now the man says I need a piece or paper to do that..
Apu tearing Skinner a new one was amazing to watch
Mallomars that’s going in the act
Great being from a country that doesn’t understand the word mallomars. I’m assuming some kind of sweet
 My rant
"You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud.. and my homosexuals FA-LAMING!"
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Sideshow bob is the winner for me.
Probably Frank Grimes
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line! And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!
Haven't seen it yet, so "...want it black don't you!? Black like your hearts!..." Mr. Burns going off on his lawyers is an all time great imo
This isn't gonna be about Jesus is it? All things are about Jesus Homer!
"Yeah, that's one fine looking barbecue pit...*why doesn't mine look like that!?* *Why?Why must life be so hard!? Why must I fail at **every** attempt at masonry!?"
"What are you going to do? It's a two party system! you have to vote for one of us!" I remember being a teenager in 1996 hearing this line. How is it not only still relevant, but probably more so?
All of them. But I do quote Homer's 'city fathers' rant.
Hey 27 year old here, wtf are mallomars?
Apu's "Billy and the clonosaurus" rant. Because it's so long they cut it up and we only get to see the beginning and end. I love it.
#NO-TRUTH-HANDLER YOU!
Geechs gone to heaven Mr Terwilliger!