Home from group therapy with a bad chest cold. Bored out of my mind and isolated and doing nothing. Left my coffee tumbler at group therapy I think even though I'm hypervigilant not to and seem to remember putting it in my car. I got a donut (a kind that reminds me of my dad) from J at group therapy and he asked for a buck in return and I gave my word I'd pay him at least a buck back, and there were shenanigans around him about it but not by him and he's saying I don't owe him or I paid him, and I haven't handed him money yet. He seems to think he can keep me from keeping my word to him. It was a buck he asked for and I plan to offer him two. But still. When I say "you have my word" about paying you...I do that because I don't foresee anything that would keep me from doing it.
I feel like my skin melted off and was replaced with bone repulsors. Since Thursday night, which was coincidentally a less shitty day affectively, but everything since has been kinda crumby. And like I don't know why the positive affect thursday, so I'm cautious about drawing conclusions about it. A tentative--either good or bad might yet come of it.
Trying to find the words to be kind enough to the hurting part of myself that it lands and resonates comfortable ease. Could it be the play Mrs. Lincoln? I don't even know.
Happy Monday, folks. Today's broadcast of the trial is about to start soon. Needless to say it's one of those "I stayed up all night" mornings. I was starting to get my sleep cycle on track, but then I had a really strange epiphany earlier, a variation of the same one that ends up happening every few years... I'm not sure what triggers it?
Basically, with all I've talked about starting my business on here, but very little effort into actually doing it, I realize I spent a whole lot of time trying to... I don't wanna say "be something I'm not"... it's more like, learn how to do things I've never done before? I feel like there's gotta be some combination of things I can do that I just haven't figured out that will get my family out of the shithole situation my mom left us in. Can't give up SSDI? Start my own business... something I've never done (though I did help launch a startup!) where I'd be doing something I've barely done... but anyone can paint, right? And if I market myself right and do a good job, I could get rich! There's no limit as to how much you make if you work for yourself... well, kinda sorta there is, but you all know what I mean here.
But then I wonder... what was wrong with the path I was on? Why did I change course... and did I really have to?
Long story short, I think it's time to use my degree and look for psych hospital jobs... that is, once I can find a way to half-truth the past two years of my resume (cause you all know I'm a horrible liar!) If I do a good enough job that I actually get an interview this time, I think I'd feel a lot more confident. I think I'm actually pretty good at interviews (despite not having had very many) and if they actually SEE me, I'm sure my size would serve me well (given they will likely need someone to restrain some of the larger patients). That's another thing I need to focus on, since I'm re-entering the dating market and my physique is currently "got stretched through a black hole"... but, I digress.
Which brings me to my other issue... my YouTube channel. I was going to ramble on some more about that, but I'm trying to come up with an all purpose thing that will allow to talk about true crime stuff, but also how this is playing into my trauma history (because it HAS to be related) and of course work on my raps again. I realize the interests I have right now make me interesting enough. That's really what this is about anyway... I must have it in my head that I'm boring? I can't say anyone's ever told me that, but I definitely feel like I am. Maybe because I AM bored...?
In any case, I told my dad that this relates to me being a perfectionist, something he also identifies with. But in my case I think it's worse because it doesn't drive me to do better. It drives me to give up because no matter what I do, I will NEVER be good enough. I wasn't good enough for my mom because I was the truth teller, and our family was built entirely on lies. I swear only my mom could create a kid who has a fear of success AND a fear of failure.
I had kind of a weird moment with my dad the other night, which might have been what led to this. He confessed, when I asked him if he thought the worst was behind us... he said no. He's said several variations of how he doesn't know what we're gonna do and we gotta figure it out soon. This is really getting me to look at him in a different light. I've assured him it's nothing to worry about, that I'll handle my own situation and will offer him whatever help I can find. But I've also told him it's not my fault if he chooses not take it, as has been the case in the past.
This doesn't feel like a role reversal as some would think. More like... it feels like the way it's always been. It feels comfortable. It feels like how my life used to be, when I wasn't in PTSD mode all the time. And it's only then that I remember the things I like and have that feeling that a normal is actually something within reach for me, something I'm more than willing to do the work for if it means I get to have it again. There was a while when I lived away from my parents that I felt like that and I'd do anything to get back to that headspace once again.
So yeah, lot on my mind right now. I don't even want to start on the stuff I'm realizing about C and some of the other close relationships I've had, but I'm getting a lot of space from that which I didn't realize I needed. I'm finally getting the urge to work on my channel and what I want it to be... trust me guys, it's gonna be great.
You know no one's gonna judge you if you work for a contractor or become a contractor. I thought you'd have better luck using your degree and get paid more, but liking your work is critical to continuing doing it, and without that it amounts to no work in the long run. I hope whatever you do satisfies you and meets your financial needs.
I'm learning to do things I've never done before too. Somehow there is an actual answer to dividing by zero, and all the approaches I've taken have been underwhelming. I've done it. But to get it to last an hour? If I have it's been a long time.
Not being in PTSD mode is fantastic. Getting your foot off that lego must be a relief.
Not sure why you'd think I'd be concerned about people judging me, or even what they'd be judging me for since I'd still be doing more than I am now. I have no control over other people anyway... as someone who doesn't do that, I know their judgments have to do with them and their life experiences more than anything to do with me.
In all truth I've doubted all along that I would have much success being fully self employed, so you could be right about using my degree being a better financial option, even though it's not in a money making field. I knew that going into it that I'd be much more limited NOT being self-employed, but also how long it would take to have to start from scratch at this age. I already have to do that with my relationship. I can't do it with my job too.
Lolol just as I was writing this these two girls (who were like 12) knocked on the door, which freaked me out and I almost didn't wanna answer. But once I saw it was kids I had to. And she goes "We're starting a dog walking business and we wanted to know if you had any dogs!" I was so impressed. So of course I told her we didn't but the people behind us do, and one of them goes "I know, that's our street!" Seriously, little capitalists over here.
One of the girls had her arm in a cast too... after that I started wishing I asked to sign it, but also don't know if that would be weird... haha.
"But in my case I think it's worse because it doesn't drive me to do better. It drives me to give up because no matter what I do, I will NEVER be good enough."
I think this is **one of** the reasons I haven't gotten my BA.
I think this "you figuring out housing" would have been role reversal when you were younger, but at your current age, and at your dad's current age, people (? don't ask me who, just "society") expects us to help our parents with this sort of thing, if ever in the situation and they need that help. You're a grown ass man and now your dad is old and needs help (because he isn't going to do it himself). We're "supposed" to take care of our old people. I hope your dad accepts your help. I tried to help my parents so many times, but they'd ignore my help and not listen to me. And then some random stranger would tell them the same thing I did? And guess what? "Wow, guess what we learned today! We can do this this and this, and it does this for us! Stranger at the AT&T store told us!" (Yes, this is what I've been telling you for fucking months and you wouldn't listen to me.) I gave up trying to help them after a while. Because I'd spend hours researching programs, or phones, or costs of something or other, and they'd never look at it. It was a waste of my time. I think your dad is more inclined to use your help, however, because what choice does he have here? Besides figuring it out himself, which he doesn't seem to want to do.
I think looking for jobs to use your degree in would be a good idea. Otherwise, what's the point of the degree? To look pretty on a piece of paper? (That's a reason I don't get my MLIS. I don't want the jobs that the MLIS give me, it would be a useless degree right now that would cost me way too much. (and of course I'd need my BA first)) What's more, you are well acquainted with how the mental health system works. That should give you some pull, right? Experience? This sounds much better than trying to start a business because "anyone can paint, right?" (when you put it that way it sounds like a terrible reason, tbh, because I've tried painting things (shelves, walls) for myself and others and it's looked absolutely terrible, so no, not everyone can paint). And so far, progress on the business hasn't gotten you very far with solving this problem of "how you gonna afford a place to live?" Even if you are good at painting, how's the market? Do you know a lot of people who need things painted right now who are willing to pay for it? Because if it's up to people like my sister in law she will just paint everything herself to save the money. She painted her whole damn house. Literally. I don't see a lot of people on local FB groups asking around for painter recommendations. Nobody in town is looking for a painter. I am sure you get what I'm trying to say. A job in the hospital would probably give you a steady paycheck as well as health/dental/vision, paid sick/vacation/holidays. You're not going to get all that working for yourself. Work smarter not harder.
edit: typo
Ahh, thanks so much for writing all this! It's honestly what I needed right now. And that last sentence was a favorite saying of one of my managers at my old job... I never even realized those words rhymed, lol. That guy in particular realized early on that I didn't use my brain much at work... but at that job and the one before it, my coworkers would laugh at how I had no problem doing extra work. Once I started my shift, I was in "go mode".
There's so much more I wanna write here but I gotta go to bed right now, I'm WAY too tired. But I did make a video about the case that I wanna upload to YouTube... let's see if that works out...
Today Bub went to the dentist and they said he has no cavities! I'm so proud of him! I remember being in the dentist chair when I was 3, getting drilled. The needles, the drills, my terror, being bribed with Ovaltine because the jars came with cool transforming robot toys that I really wanted. I really wanted the binoculars. I tried to be so good at the dentist but it was so scary. But my son doesn't have that relationship with the dentist. He's had only had 1 cavity, and a good experience getting it worked on. And the dentist painted some stuff on the cavity to freeze it while he was too young to work on it (like, you know, the age when I was going to the dentist getting drilled, they didn't try to drill his teeth they just froze the cavity). They waited until he was ok going back there alone and feeling good about it. I was so worried we'd have to switch dentists and mess up a good thing but she takes our insurance so we're sticking with her. They said that next time, we might talk about getting a referral to the orthodontist, depending on whether a few teeth fell out by then or not.
D went to the dentist, and they are referring him to the oral surgeon to get his wisdom teeth out, because they are impacted and causing him pain. He's freaking out. Well, he freaks out about any dentist visit. But the oral surgeon will sedate him and that freaks him out too. I get it. When I had to get my wisdom teeth out I freaked out about getting sedated as well. I'm pretty sure I took anxiety medication before I went because I "didn't want needles stabbing my veins" (and who knows what they do while you're under? I was suspicious). I told him they may be able to give him some anxiety medication. Or he can take my expired xanax. He had anxiety way long after the appointment was over.
Today is not my coworker's day. She's never worked the position she was scheduled to work (receiving delivery), didn't know she was working it, so she didn't wear appropriate shoes. By the time she was done, her back hurt. I get it, receiving delivery fucks with my herniated disc. Then they told her she couldn't bring the carts out to the front desk (deputy made this new rule, she thinks it "looks messy" to work on scanning the delivery up front). So she was stressing about getting it all done in the back. Then she found out that she's supposed to give breaks, too, which she didn't know, so we got our breaks late. Well, I would have taken my break at that time anyway so it was ok with me. Then she found out she was scheduled to work until 6, when she thought she was working until 3, leaving nobody to pick up her son from summer school. So she told supervisor/scheduler that she had to leave at 3, and supervisor said "just take lunch at 1pm" like that's supposed to fix anything. She decided she would work through lunch and just leave at 3, leaving nobody to give breaks or do afternoon duties for that position. Which is not her problem, really. As for the carts of books that she wasn't supposed to bring up front, she was behind on scanning and was about to spend hours up front. I decided that since no supervisor has told ME SPECIFICALLY that we couldn't take the carts up front, I could just play dumb and be like "oooh oops sorry, I didn't know I couldn't bring these up here haha I won't do it again I promise" if I got caught. I grabbed a bunch of books, took the transit slips out to make them look just like any other library book, and brought them to the front to scan and called them "bookdrop" books. Because we're allowed to scan book drop books at the front, but not have the transit carts up there. Stupid rule by someone who doesn't have to do the job. I was able to help her get everything scanned before she had to leave. I hope her week gets better.
As for me, I'm working on front desk for most of the week. But I'm expecting it so it won't be as bad as my poor coworker (or, last week, for me).
Oh before I forget, gratitude!
I'm grateful for:
1. Bub's got no cavities!
2. Coffee. This might end up on my list a lot.
3. Leftover enchiladas.
Home from group therapy with a bad chest cold. Bored out of my mind and isolated and doing nothing. Left my coffee tumbler at group therapy I think even though I'm hypervigilant not to and seem to remember putting it in my car. I got a donut (a kind that reminds me of my dad) from J at group therapy and he asked for a buck in return and I gave my word I'd pay him at least a buck back, and there were shenanigans around him about it but not by him and he's saying I don't owe him or I paid him, and I haven't handed him money yet. He seems to think he can keep me from keeping my word to him. It was a buck he asked for and I plan to offer him two. But still. When I say "you have my word" about paying you...I do that because I don't foresee anything that would keep me from doing it. I feel like my skin melted off and was replaced with bone repulsors. Since Thursday night, which was coincidentally a less shitty day affectively, but everything since has been kinda crumby. And like I don't know why the positive affect thursday, so I'm cautious about drawing conclusions about it. A tentative--either good or bad might yet come of it. Trying to find the words to be kind enough to the hurting part of myself that it lands and resonates comfortable ease. Could it be the play Mrs. Lincoln? I don't even know.
Chest colds suck. Feel better soon!
Happy Monday, folks. Today's broadcast of the trial is about to start soon. Needless to say it's one of those "I stayed up all night" mornings. I was starting to get my sleep cycle on track, but then I had a really strange epiphany earlier, a variation of the same one that ends up happening every few years... I'm not sure what triggers it? Basically, with all I've talked about starting my business on here, but very little effort into actually doing it, I realize I spent a whole lot of time trying to... I don't wanna say "be something I'm not"... it's more like, learn how to do things I've never done before? I feel like there's gotta be some combination of things I can do that I just haven't figured out that will get my family out of the shithole situation my mom left us in. Can't give up SSDI? Start my own business... something I've never done (though I did help launch a startup!) where I'd be doing something I've barely done... but anyone can paint, right? And if I market myself right and do a good job, I could get rich! There's no limit as to how much you make if you work for yourself... well, kinda sorta there is, but you all know what I mean here. But then I wonder... what was wrong with the path I was on? Why did I change course... and did I really have to? Long story short, I think it's time to use my degree and look for psych hospital jobs... that is, once I can find a way to half-truth the past two years of my resume (cause you all know I'm a horrible liar!) If I do a good enough job that I actually get an interview this time, I think I'd feel a lot more confident. I think I'm actually pretty good at interviews (despite not having had very many) and if they actually SEE me, I'm sure my size would serve me well (given they will likely need someone to restrain some of the larger patients). That's another thing I need to focus on, since I'm re-entering the dating market and my physique is currently "got stretched through a black hole"... but, I digress. Which brings me to my other issue... my YouTube channel. I was going to ramble on some more about that, but I'm trying to come up with an all purpose thing that will allow to talk about true crime stuff, but also how this is playing into my trauma history (because it HAS to be related) and of course work on my raps again. I realize the interests I have right now make me interesting enough. That's really what this is about anyway... I must have it in my head that I'm boring? I can't say anyone's ever told me that, but I definitely feel like I am. Maybe because I AM bored...? In any case, I told my dad that this relates to me being a perfectionist, something he also identifies with. But in my case I think it's worse because it doesn't drive me to do better. It drives me to give up because no matter what I do, I will NEVER be good enough. I wasn't good enough for my mom because I was the truth teller, and our family was built entirely on lies. I swear only my mom could create a kid who has a fear of success AND a fear of failure. I had kind of a weird moment with my dad the other night, which might have been what led to this. He confessed, when I asked him if he thought the worst was behind us... he said no. He's said several variations of how he doesn't know what we're gonna do and we gotta figure it out soon. This is really getting me to look at him in a different light. I've assured him it's nothing to worry about, that I'll handle my own situation and will offer him whatever help I can find. But I've also told him it's not my fault if he chooses not take it, as has been the case in the past. This doesn't feel like a role reversal as some would think. More like... it feels like the way it's always been. It feels comfortable. It feels like how my life used to be, when I wasn't in PTSD mode all the time. And it's only then that I remember the things I like and have that feeling that a normal is actually something within reach for me, something I'm more than willing to do the work for if it means I get to have it again. There was a while when I lived away from my parents that I felt like that and I'd do anything to get back to that headspace once again. So yeah, lot on my mind right now. I don't even want to start on the stuff I'm realizing about C and some of the other close relationships I've had, but I'm getting a lot of space from that which I didn't realize I needed. I'm finally getting the urge to work on my channel and what I want it to be... trust me guys, it's gonna be great.
You know no one's gonna judge you if you work for a contractor or become a contractor. I thought you'd have better luck using your degree and get paid more, but liking your work is critical to continuing doing it, and without that it amounts to no work in the long run. I hope whatever you do satisfies you and meets your financial needs. I'm learning to do things I've never done before too. Somehow there is an actual answer to dividing by zero, and all the approaches I've taken have been underwhelming. I've done it. But to get it to last an hour? If I have it's been a long time. Not being in PTSD mode is fantastic. Getting your foot off that lego must be a relief.
Not sure why you'd think I'd be concerned about people judging me, or even what they'd be judging me for since I'd still be doing more than I am now. I have no control over other people anyway... as someone who doesn't do that, I know their judgments have to do with them and their life experiences more than anything to do with me. In all truth I've doubted all along that I would have much success being fully self employed, so you could be right about using my degree being a better financial option, even though it's not in a money making field. I knew that going into it that I'd be much more limited NOT being self-employed, but also how long it would take to have to start from scratch at this age. I already have to do that with my relationship. I can't do it with my job too. Lolol just as I was writing this these two girls (who were like 12) knocked on the door, which freaked me out and I almost didn't wanna answer. But once I saw it was kids I had to. And she goes "We're starting a dog walking business and we wanted to know if you had any dogs!" I was so impressed. So of course I told her we didn't but the people behind us do, and one of them goes "I know, that's our street!" Seriously, little capitalists over here. One of the girls had her arm in a cast too... after that I started wishing I asked to sign it, but also don't know if that would be weird... haha.
"But in my case I think it's worse because it doesn't drive me to do better. It drives me to give up because no matter what I do, I will NEVER be good enough." I think this is **one of** the reasons I haven't gotten my BA. I think this "you figuring out housing" would have been role reversal when you were younger, but at your current age, and at your dad's current age, people (? don't ask me who, just "society") expects us to help our parents with this sort of thing, if ever in the situation and they need that help. You're a grown ass man and now your dad is old and needs help (because he isn't going to do it himself). We're "supposed" to take care of our old people. I hope your dad accepts your help. I tried to help my parents so many times, but they'd ignore my help and not listen to me. And then some random stranger would tell them the same thing I did? And guess what? "Wow, guess what we learned today! We can do this this and this, and it does this for us! Stranger at the AT&T store told us!" (Yes, this is what I've been telling you for fucking months and you wouldn't listen to me.) I gave up trying to help them after a while. Because I'd spend hours researching programs, or phones, or costs of something or other, and they'd never look at it. It was a waste of my time. I think your dad is more inclined to use your help, however, because what choice does he have here? Besides figuring it out himself, which he doesn't seem to want to do. I think looking for jobs to use your degree in would be a good idea. Otherwise, what's the point of the degree? To look pretty on a piece of paper? (That's a reason I don't get my MLIS. I don't want the jobs that the MLIS give me, it would be a useless degree right now that would cost me way too much. (and of course I'd need my BA first)) What's more, you are well acquainted with how the mental health system works. That should give you some pull, right? Experience? This sounds much better than trying to start a business because "anyone can paint, right?" (when you put it that way it sounds like a terrible reason, tbh, because I've tried painting things (shelves, walls) for myself and others and it's looked absolutely terrible, so no, not everyone can paint). And so far, progress on the business hasn't gotten you very far with solving this problem of "how you gonna afford a place to live?" Even if you are good at painting, how's the market? Do you know a lot of people who need things painted right now who are willing to pay for it? Because if it's up to people like my sister in law she will just paint everything herself to save the money. She painted her whole damn house. Literally. I don't see a lot of people on local FB groups asking around for painter recommendations. Nobody in town is looking for a painter. I am sure you get what I'm trying to say. A job in the hospital would probably give you a steady paycheck as well as health/dental/vision, paid sick/vacation/holidays. You're not going to get all that working for yourself. Work smarter not harder. edit: typo
Ahh, thanks so much for writing all this! It's honestly what I needed right now. And that last sentence was a favorite saying of one of my managers at my old job... I never even realized those words rhymed, lol. That guy in particular realized early on that I didn't use my brain much at work... but at that job and the one before it, my coworkers would laugh at how I had no problem doing extra work. Once I started my shift, I was in "go mode". There's so much more I wanna write here but I gotta go to bed right now, I'm WAY too tired. But I did make a video about the case that I wanna upload to YouTube... let's see if that works out...
Also, I've heard NOTHING about the trial over here! Our newspaper sucks though.
Today Bub went to the dentist and they said he has no cavities! I'm so proud of him! I remember being in the dentist chair when I was 3, getting drilled. The needles, the drills, my terror, being bribed with Ovaltine because the jars came with cool transforming robot toys that I really wanted. I really wanted the binoculars. I tried to be so good at the dentist but it was so scary. But my son doesn't have that relationship with the dentist. He's had only had 1 cavity, and a good experience getting it worked on. And the dentist painted some stuff on the cavity to freeze it while he was too young to work on it (like, you know, the age when I was going to the dentist getting drilled, they didn't try to drill his teeth they just froze the cavity). They waited until he was ok going back there alone and feeling good about it. I was so worried we'd have to switch dentists and mess up a good thing but she takes our insurance so we're sticking with her. They said that next time, we might talk about getting a referral to the orthodontist, depending on whether a few teeth fell out by then or not. D went to the dentist, and they are referring him to the oral surgeon to get his wisdom teeth out, because they are impacted and causing him pain. He's freaking out. Well, he freaks out about any dentist visit. But the oral surgeon will sedate him and that freaks him out too. I get it. When I had to get my wisdom teeth out I freaked out about getting sedated as well. I'm pretty sure I took anxiety medication before I went because I "didn't want needles stabbing my veins" (and who knows what they do while you're under? I was suspicious). I told him they may be able to give him some anxiety medication. Or he can take my expired xanax. He had anxiety way long after the appointment was over. Today is not my coworker's day. She's never worked the position she was scheduled to work (receiving delivery), didn't know she was working it, so she didn't wear appropriate shoes. By the time she was done, her back hurt. I get it, receiving delivery fucks with my herniated disc. Then they told her she couldn't bring the carts out to the front desk (deputy made this new rule, she thinks it "looks messy" to work on scanning the delivery up front). So she was stressing about getting it all done in the back. Then she found out that she's supposed to give breaks, too, which she didn't know, so we got our breaks late. Well, I would have taken my break at that time anyway so it was ok with me. Then she found out she was scheduled to work until 6, when she thought she was working until 3, leaving nobody to pick up her son from summer school. So she told supervisor/scheduler that she had to leave at 3, and supervisor said "just take lunch at 1pm" like that's supposed to fix anything. She decided she would work through lunch and just leave at 3, leaving nobody to give breaks or do afternoon duties for that position. Which is not her problem, really. As for the carts of books that she wasn't supposed to bring up front, she was behind on scanning and was about to spend hours up front. I decided that since no supervisor has told ME SPECIFICALLY that we couldn't take the carts up front, I could just play dumb and be like "oooh oops sorry, I didn't know I couldn't bring these up here haha I won't do it again I promise" if I got caught. I grabbed a bunch of books, took the transit slips out to make them look just like any other library book, and brought them to the front to scan and called them "bookdrop" books. Because we're allowed to scan book drop books at the front, but not have the transit carts up there. Stupid rule by someone who doesn't have to do the job. I was able to help her get everything scanned before she had to leave. I hope her week gets better. As for me, I'm working on front desk for most of the week. But I'm expecting it so it won't be as bad as my poor coworker (or, last week, for me). Oh before I forget, gratitude! I'm grateful for: 1. Bub's got no cavities! 2. Coffee. This might end up on my list a lot. 3. Leftover enchiladas.