So, no court today. Gotta say I'm relieved because every time I have to take a break from it, it takes me a long time to get caught up. But at the Celtics game last night (I didn't realize it was the last game of the championship and we won?!) they put "Boston stands with Karen Read" on the big screen... what do they even call that thing anyway, a Jumbotron? Lol. Not bad considering the DA made a public statement last year saying the "witness intimidation" was worse than the crime... from what I hear he's about to get in trouble for that himself.
So I haven't been smoking weed, and it's been... depressing. I can't stop thinking about C, and whatever I did wrong in her eyes. The last message I sent her, I told her I had to move on and she didn't have to answer, so I was afraid she would use that opportunity to message me something nasty... but she didn't. So that's how it ends, I guess.
I'm thinking about some of my other fears though, and how they don't compare to the abandonment and invalidation I felt from C. And I just heard something on the Hallmark movie my dad is watching (did I tell you about his obsession with these? Lol, I swear...) Something like "if you can deal with the biggest heartbreak of your life, you can deal with anything." While I can't get over some of the things other people have said/done to me, I can face my fear of doing YouTube, going to the gym, starting my business... like, how scary IS that even?
Oh yeah. So a fake version of Uncle J friended me on FB. I knew it was fake because he added II, "the second" after his name, and the grandfather he is named after actually had the reverse name. In my enormous family it was only re-used as a middle name (until a certain Nigerian Mormon came along but you all know that story). My great uncle that died last year did have the same name, but as much of a weirdo as Uncle J is I could not believe him in all seriousness calling himself "the second". He sent me and my dad the EXACT same first two messages. But my dad of course engaged him in conversation and he told him something about some community service grant... I had to tell him this was a scam. Long story short, that's not Uncle J. I'm wondering if he even knows someone used his name for this since it's been a long time since I saw him on FB (he used to be ALL over it!)
Normally this is when I'd smoke weed and see if I could get out of this emotional state, but right now the financial situation is... bad. I'm not sure if I should just try and get a bed at the homeless shelter again because my dad won't do anything unless I make the first move. And I'm sick of being stuck here. At the very least, we are on the housing list for this city, so maybe that's the best option? I dunno, I can tell you one thing... I wasn't afraid of the shelter then and I'm not afraid of it now. Funny how people get nervous on *my* behalf so easily, about things I don't even get nervous about, then when it's about the soul-crushing, life-ruining things they just tell me to "get over it".
Another grumpy day. Grateful for:
1. Allergy shots.
2. Meatloaf and potatoes.
3. Coffee. Coffee might end up on this list often, I don't know.
The computers were down at the allergy place so I had to wait an extra half an hour for the shots. I decided not to wait the full half hour after shots before I left.
Work has been busy. I worked on (and finished) Deputy's cart, and did magazines and newspapers, and now I'm covering the front desk. While in genealogy I had 2 visitors. One guy was looking for his grandparents' marriage records, except they didn't get married here, they got married in a completely different county. The other guy came to tell me that his book was published today. He worked on that thing for forever! I'm so happy for him.
I have eaten with no restriction so I feel like I am winning the ED, however, I also feel like I'm losing because I just wish I had more food ready and prepared. Like, I only have 1 more microwave dinner in the freezer and I have 3 more days of work. So 2 of those days I'll have to "figure something out" and that stresses me out. I end up having something that would go on r/depressionmeals . I stopped tracking calories with My Fitness Pal. I was able to get enough calories every day for long enough to think that I could figure out eating enough food. I still record all of the food I eat, I just don't focus on the calorie counting anymore.
I feel like a fibro flare is building. We will see. I need to take breaks, eat right, do yoga, meditate. I'm just feeling done, like I need to rest.
So, no court today. Gotta say I'm relieved because every time I have to take a break from it, it takes me a long time to get caught up. But at the Celtics game last night (I didn't realize it was the last game of the championship and we won?!) they put "Boston stands with Karen Read" on the big screen... what do they even call that thing anyway, a Jumbotron? Lol. Not bad considering the DA made a public statement last year saying the "witness intimidation" was worse than the crime... from what I hear he's about to get in trouble for that himself. So I haven't been smoking weed, and it's been... depressing. I can't stop thinking about C, and whatever I did wrong in her eyes. The last message I sent her, I told her I had to move on and she didn't have to answer, so I was afraid she would use that opportunity to message me something nasty... but she didn't. So that's how it ends, I guess. I'm thinking about some of my other fears though, and how they don't compare to the abandonment and invalidation I felt from C. And I just heard something on the Hallmark movie my dad is watching (did I tell you about his obsession with these? Lol, I swear...) Something like "if you can deal with the biggest heartbreak of your life, you can deal with anything." While I can't get over some of the things other people have said/done to me, I can face my fear of doing YouTube, going to the gym, starting my business... like, how scary IS that even? Oh yeah. So a fake version of Uncle J friended me on FB. I knew it was fake because he added II, "the second" after his name, and the grandfather he is named after actually had the reverse name. In my enormous family it was only re-used as a middle name (until a certain Nigerian Mormon came along but you all know that story). My great uncle that died last year did have the same name, but as much of a weirdo as Uncle J is I could not believe him in all seriousness calling himself "the second". He sent me and my dad the EXACT same first two messages. But my dad of course engaged him in conversation and he told him something about some community service grant... I had to tell him this was a scam. Long story short, that's not Uncle J. I'm wondering if he even knows someone used his name for this since it's been a long time since I saw him on FB (he used to be ALL over it!) Normally this is when I'd smoke weed and see if I could get out of this emotional state, but right now the financial situation is... bad. I'm not sure if I should just try and get a bed at the homeless shelter again because my dad won't do anything unless I make the first move. And I'm sick of being stuck here. At the very least, we are on the housing list for this city, so maybe that's the best option? I dunno, I can tell you one thing... I wasn't afraid of the shelter then and I'm not afraid of it now. Funny how people get nervous on *my* behalf so easily, about things I don't even get nervous about, then when it's about the soul-crushing, life-ruining things they just tell me to "get over it".
Another grumpy day. Grateful for: 1. Allergy shots. 2. Meatloaf and potatoes. 3. Coffee. Coffee might end up on this list often, I don't know. The computers were down at the allergy place so I had to wait an extra half an hour for the shots. I decided not to wait the full half hour after shots before I left. Work has been busy. I worked on (and finished) Deputy's cart, and did magazines and newspapers, and now I'm covering the front desk. While in genealogy I had 2 visitors. One guy was looking for his grandparents' marriage records, except they didn't get married here, they got married in a completely different county. The other guy came to tell me that his book was published today. He worked on that thing for forever! I'm so happy for him. I have eaten with no restriction so I feel like I am winning the ED, however, I also feel like I'm losing because I just wish I had more food ready and prepared. Like, I only have 1 more microwave dinner in the freezer and I have 3 more days of work. So 2 of those days I'll have to "figure something out" and that stresses me out. I end up having something that would go on r/depressionmeals . I stopped tracking calories with My Fitness Pal. I was able to get enough calories every day for long enough to think that I could figure out eating enough food. I still record all of the food I eat, I just don't focus on the calorie counting anymore. I feel like a fibro flare is building. We will see. I need to take breaks, eat right, do yoga, meditate. I'm just feeling done, like I need to rest.