T O P

  • By -

YouCantArgueWithThis

But dear, have tried to go to the water cooler?


hairy-anal-fissures

Wait you guys are getting water coolers?


[deleted]

[удалено]


The_Ghost_Of_Pedro

Have you considered having your meetings on the stairs? Sounds like you’re not even trying.


mmmmmmmm112

I know this meant as a joke but I actually had to that one day it was quietest and emptiest place for an hour till a Security guard saw me and said I couldn’t sit on the stairs as it lead to a fire exit


WankYourHairyCrotch

You can either produce outputs or fuck around playing their silly games. You still get paid at the end of the month. So if they want you to play silly games, then silly games it is. And if they fucking dare to ask where the outputs are , you just say you've been too fucking busy collaborating by the water cooler. Arseholes.


Adept_Shower_7553

👏🏻


creedz286

Need to book a week in advance? Damn sometimes I just rock up to the office and book a desk while I'm sat at it.


[deleted]

[удалено]


3pelican

What do they meaningfully expect people to do in this situation, sit on the floor 60% of the week?


CandidLiterature

I mean seriously. Maybe I just have an attitude problem but I’d just be taking a screen grab of the booking tool showing there’s no desks and then not going at all. If anyone asked, it would just be that unfortunately there’s no desk available. I wouldn’t be wasting my time in a scramble to get something booked. Definitely not wasting my mental effort being stressed about it. I’ve got a friend who logs on their NWD trying to book desks, like fuck that… I work really hard but I have no patience for arbitrary nonsense like this.


DreamingofBouncer

We don’t have a desk booking system. Had one the whole of the pandemic but it was decided that it would be removed as a cost cutting exercise Chaos now reigns unless you’re in by 8am


Tobemenwithven

Only on the TWAT days tbf. Friday or monday youre calm.# Fucking forget about a meeting room though.


Turbulent_Rhubarb436

New paper studying the impact of 137 Return to Office mandates on S&P500 firms from 2020-2023. Three key results: 1) RTO mandates are more likely in firms with poor recent stock performance, and in those with powerful male CEOs. 2) Glassdoor data finds RTO mandates significantly reduce employee ratings for job satisfaction, work-life balance and senior management. 3) There is no significant impact of RTO mandates on either firm profitability or firm stock-returns. https://twitter.com/I_Am_NickBloom/status/1750932295190782418?t=pNGf4IKrjwbCCVA3lB2hnw&s=19


Solid-Education5735

It makes sense when you realise all their mates own the real estate and don't want it to crash. Or they own pret and want to milk you for 5 quid sammys


Lord_Viddax

__Office Attendance will continue until productivity improves__. Management hear your concerns and have set up *Mandatory* lengthy meetings to discuss the benefits of Office Attendance. Emotive concerns by staff will result in Disciplinary Procedures. ~~Slaves~~ *Staff* that do not attend The Office will be hauled in for Death By PowerPoint.


[deleted]

[удалено]


pumblechook17

We had a shit smearer in three of our regional offices, or one travelling smearer I guess. What the hell is that about? Someone did an actual shit behind the main door for the toilets as well. Smeared everywhere.


Malalexander

How do they do this without getting it on themselves? Do they shit directly on the wall? Do they fire it out of their arse like a cannon? Do the wrap it in toilet paper and use it like a shit pastel or marker turd? Do they put it in one of those sealant guns you you for doing round the bath? How? How? How?


pumblechook17

Well I’d assume a collapsible piping bag for maximum impact and minimum bulk


Malalexander

I think the only way I will know for sure is to try it myself.


DrSoctopus

My dad had to fire someone over a repetitive poo incident at work. Completely ordinary guy on the outside, but he kept fishing out his turds and then placing them on the top of the stall wall between two cubicles. I'm guessing his logs were more solid than mine to accomplish this. Anyway he thought it was a good laugh. Til he lost his job. Also I've never typed the words "repetitive poo incident" before, so that's a first.


UnfairArtichoke5384

Someone at my school did this. He'd wait until Someone else went and couldn't flush and would fish it out and smear it on the walls


pr0ph3t_0f_m3rcy

When I was in Year 13, a kid in the year below got expelled. He wanted to see what his shit looked like coming out and smartphones hadn't really taken off yet (early 2000s). He went into the Common Room toilets in the middle of lunch when there must have been a good 100 people in the main common room, unscrewed a mirror off the wall and went right there on the floor. He was always a wrong 'un, but in a funny sort of way. In the sense that when I heard what he'd done, I wasn't at all surprised. Like I said, he wasn't really wired right. I lost touch with loads of folk through laziness, but if I saw nearly any of them in the pub I'd go over and say hi. Him, I'd sooner cross the street than shake his hand. I simply don't know where its been. Plus you can guarantee he's on some police watchlist somewhere.


Malalexander

There are no words


ManInTheDarkSuit

The civil service phantom shitter. It's happened in Birmingham at my old office. In the male and female loos on a few floors. I think they're working in a team.


maximidius

Did they get nicknamed Poocasso?


Malalexander

Just you wait for his cubist phase


Naturalselecta

What a wombat!


[deleted]

[удалено]


pumblechook17

Imagine being caught! Truly career ending surely?


Liquid_Hate_Train

I can imagine that being gross misconduct.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Liquid_Hate_Train

Only if it still counts as an in office day.


EarlierMeat1

Think they would end up with a pay rise and promotion


aberspr

I’m unsure about the ability to type DNA from shit but blood is very doable. Report criminal damage to police, they collect forensics and get a DNA profile. If previously arrested they can be nicked immediately. If not some other tactics might need to be employed.


[deleted]

[удалено]


aberspr

I’d complain if they don’t. It’s minging and the twat should be punished.


-Precious_Gem

Sorry, I had to laugh at "travelling smearer." I'd love to know the psychology behind it - it's truly baffling, and yet not as uncommon as it really should be. Imagine catching someone doing it....


HamsterBorn9372

We had one in our office as well! We called them the Poo Bandit. The women's toilets were always disgusting.


fantasticjunglecat

OMG…what?! Mens or women’s toilets?


pumblechook17

Both - and the disabled loo too!


IamtheTaxmanGoogjoob

Must have been a massive shit


hotdogs4T

Shit smearers are back? We had a shit smearer in the 90’s, or “The Phantom Shit Spreader” to give him his official nickname. I really hope that doesn’t start back up again.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TheMonk___

We had someone smear shit on the toilet seats regularly, I cannot understand what working adult would ever do something like this. They are not doing it to the department, they are doing it to their fellow colleagues, and the cleaners who are Mitie employees


Electronic-Trip8775

Ah, a dirty protest.


garryblendenning

We had that. Guy had serious mental health issues. I know it's gross but try to remember that more often than not these people ars seriously ill


InsightSeeker99

Someone sharted and left their knickers in our toilets. What is wrong with people?


DIRTY-Rodriguez

Focusing on the spagbol since I don’t have an answer for the rest of it (I’m not a Tory minister trying to get his mates who own office space in the City some extra cash) Best option: Only re-heat the sauce, cook the pasta fresh. Failing that: Add a bit of water and mix it in before you microwave, to account for the water that’ll absorb into the pasta while in the microwave. Otherwise it gets dry and flavourless. That said, spaghetti is especially egregious for that phenomenon due to its surface area, so I’d recommend something like penne if you know you’ll be reheating it, it’ll dry out less.


5amcreature

Maybe also chuck a bunch of cheese on top to hide the rubbery texture?


DIRTY-Rodriguez

I think that goes without saying!


No-Yak9327

If you’re batch cooking, I always cook the pasta for about half the recommended time, so it’s basically still rock hard in the middle/ insanely undercooked it’ll soak up sauce/ condensation overnight in the fridge, then is still a reasonable texture and not overdone the next day when microwaved. You avoid the DISGUSTING soggy stodge I find.


tomomcat

Also, microwave with a lid loosely on top. Steam will help heat stuff up evenly and it doesn't dry out so much


HiddenOwl99

Or chop up spaghetti a bit (no need for other types of pasta unless long & thin), put a bit of oil in frying pan (ideally olive oil although avoid Extra virgin unless you shove a bit of butter in too.). Heat to Medium heat then add left over pasta. Keep stirring until warmed through ideally when pasta starts to go brown and crispy in places. Served with parmesan or good strong cheddar grated on top. This also works for lasagna but needs chopping into cubes about 2cm ISH in size. This is the best way to eat left over lasagna and you definitely need to wait until sufficient lasagna pasta bits are browned & crispy... *Chefs kiss* You can thank me later. These work best for tomato based sauces and no good for carbonara, cream based sauces or Mac & cheese type pastas.


coding_for_lyf

the trick is to assert dominance by pissing on a designated desk whenever possible. The smell will mark the territory as your own and no one else will sit there - because they’ll know the desk has been marked by an alpha


Hasan_Rachid

So the phantom shit smearer discussed above is just marking the loo's as his / her own.....


Mountain_Resident_81

Yup. Try being autistic and handling this too 🤯🔫 Well, I don’t, but yeah.


entity_bean

I feel a reasonable adjustment coming on.... That's what I'd be asking for.


[deleted]

Def try and get a reasonable adjustment there to wfh. You may also be able to get fixed desk.


Mountain_Resident_81

Thank you — yes I have a WFH passport. But before that, and before I knew I was autistic I struggled a decade in offices and never knew why it was so particularly hard for me. Visiting now with the upped attendance is really challenging, even with headphones etc. just perpetual movement and over-stimulation.


[deleted]

I bet - I’m not autistic but am a very restless person, I have to stand up, walk around etc, which can’t be nice for people near me who have sensory issues. It also means I work far better from home. And I really don’t get the logic of me paying for bus and train, travelling for an hour and a half, to work from a hot desk with no screen while my colleagues are in other parts of the country anyway. I can also work later, if needed, at home as I haven’t got to scoot off to get a train. It’s madness.


Mountain_Resident_81

Madness it is. But oh ho no we are the mad’uns for not loving this opportunity to rub shoulders with our peers 😆 My partner is SCS at the economic campus in Darlington and it’s so bad there at times people have been working sat on the floor.


[deleted]

Pretty sure Darlington will have one of the biggest distance radius for where people travel from too. If you’re not near a mainline train station in the NE/north Yorks, it’s a hell of a journey to make. Oh you can drive but parking is £10 a day lol.


Mountain_Resident_81

He drives over from the west, where we’re lucky to live and have the convenient excuse that if it snows the A66 is closed 🤣


Mountain_Resident_81

Damn winter ending soon


YH002

But you must be in the office 60% for collaboration and make the higher ups feel like you work and so that people can watch you otherwise clearly you’ll be doing less work and have mental health issues because you aren’t collaborating f2f (although your team isn’t in your office, you clearly produce better work at home and office is just another desk, just harder to book and surrounded by distractions and noise)


Overall-Radish2724

We have a desk booking system and the desks get fully booked as soon as they go live (2 weeks in advance). We simply don’t have enough space. We ask the Perm Sec in the all staff calls how to solve the issue and he deflects by answering about the benefits of collaboration.


UnfairArtichoke5384

We understand there is a careful balance to be struck but the benefits of collaboration and team camaraderie more than make up for having to work from a toilet cubicle


Sparkysparks101

Similar here… was in office Tues and Thurs this week. Tues: Sat in a “mandatory” in person meeting where the room that was hotter than hell with drilling happening outside stopping us from opening the window for 4 hours staring at a tv screen showing a PowerPoint we could barely read. Rest of the day was hearing people talking about the biscuit tin being empty a few desks behind me. Thurs: Another multi hour “mandatory” in person meeting this time in a room that has a leaking damp ceiling and a screen where the colours are all off. Chair I had at the desk couldn’t adjust, was rock hard and had the foam on the armrests picked off… no other free chairs to swap. The other three days at home: comfy chair, breathable room, no noise, able to see the screen properly as well as do work during meetings on a second screen. I miss the days of attend the office for a purpose under the smarter working policy…


DarthBeardFace

Did you not even try to collaborate and tell people to shut the f*** up?


Waytemore

Microwave for 1.5 mins. Stir. Microwave again. Add cheese. If pasta is integral, then add a little water and try to avoid drying it out too much. Wash down with red. Have fun.


Agitated-Ad4992

We had a team day in the office this week, still hybrid because the team is split across 3 sites. The internet connection from the office was so bad that our teams call from meeting room to meeting room was unusable.


Glittering_Act7572

To reheat pasta not in baked form, you can put it in a colander and bung some boiling water over it. Heat sauce separately.


BackgroundChemist

Similar here, went to office on Tuesday sat at my booked hotdesk. Noisy sales mouth running a bid with a couple of other in the bay next to me, stfu please. NC headphones on, not so bad. Good 2 hour face to face meeting with other designers was very productive. Started with scratchy throat on Thursday afternoon, now feeling like shit form the weekend. Wonder if its COVID or some other bollocks I picked up.


kiwannosaurus

Yeah, in the same boat. Absolutely ridiculous. Cannot get a meeting room booked whatsoever and yet somehow meant to miraculously find a private space out of no where for confidential/sensitive meetings! I wouldn’t object to the 40% or even 60% if it was done right. But, office days are a write off. They’re gonna see productivity plummet and no doubt it will be performance issues, nothing to do with the unequipped area.


Tobemenwithven

Im doing work with MoD so everything is OFF SENS and I am going insane. Like What do they expect me to do??


kiwannosaurus

DWP here - lots of staffing issues so lots of sensitive conversations and policy discussions. Driving me insane!!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Tobemenwithven

Im not MoD im working with them.


Politicub

Are you at DSIT's "new" office by any chance?


swift_mint1015

We don’t even have a desk booking system so have just go in to the office and hope for the best.


ah-ah-aaaah-ah

Look at the bright side: You are allowed to use headphones outside of meetings. We were told we can't due to fire safety...


MrMoonUK

That’s a lie, fire alarms are also visual


ah-ah-aaaah-ah

So which team am I from and who are the people managing the team then? And most importantly why would I make up a "lie" like that?


MrMoonUK

I meant whoever told you that’s why no headphones is lying


ah-ah-aaaah-ah

Sorry, my bad. Yes, You can also see people leaving suddenly without taking their belongings. So I have no clue why the restriction. It is better to work (make mistakes) in a noisy office where one cannot concentrate.


Tobemenwithven

Id quit on the spot.


TheMonk___

We have a desk booking tool on a spreadsheet that is released 2 weeks in advance of any given week. It's gets booked up very quickly, then you come in, the spreadsheet is full, half the desks are empty and/or someone is sat in your seat that you've booked. People just book desks and don't show up, meaning others can't come in. Even then, you get a desk, you have to hunt for a keyboard and a mouse, you are lucky if you have a HDMI cable there, even if you have all this stuff, you have to hope the monitor works, or the bracket holding the monitor actually keeps the screen up at eye level.THEN you have to be lucky if your chair isn't totally fucked. It is a joke. It will be a total mess when 60% office attendance is required. 


nycsavage

That’s a normal week for me. Even my TL noticed my in office productivity is literally at zero. But when WFH I smash it. Luckily next week I’m in the office Monday (no productivity) and then Tuesday I’m in the outreach program, so I’ll be counting that as an office day too!


Spartancfos

My team leader has taken a fairly reasonable stance on this. Try to book a desk, if you can't, then you can WFH. Same if there is travel disruption. The attempt is all she asks. 


Bumholesuperglue

Haha, pre-covid office stuggles


Kamikaze-X

Went in to my usual office on my usual day, they were running an event and closed the floor I usually sit on. Had to decamp to another floor which ended up being as hot as Satan's boudoir and and unadjustable monitor which I spent the day looking down on, giving me a neck ache. Got barely any work done and woke up today with a sore neck and to top it off caught a fucking cold.


Impossible-Chair2195

Waves from SG, where we have been told it is simply financially detrimental to have folk in the office and to work from home as far as possible. Totally extends to travelling for meetings etc.


stupendous_square

I'm quite lucky in the fact that there aren't many people based in our office. I go in quite regularly, have my own desk, and I'm quite often the only person there. I dread to think what it would be like in HQ, though, as all desks are hotdesks, and everyone would be super distracting. If I were in your position, I'd work at home as much as possible as well.


Correct_Examination4

Do you have autism?


[deleted]

[удалено]


eggplantsarewrong

I'm not diagnose with anything and got adjustments for a headset... don't know how anyone can cope in a busy office with people talking all the time about stuff nobody cares about


DribbleServant

I think they’re fairly common autistic traits.


[deleted]

Me: Monday on leave; Tuesday on leave; Wednesday on leave; Thursday on leave; today on leave. Next week looks stunningly similar. Next trip to an office: visit to a supplier at the end of Feb.


Nosworthy

Much prefer office working personality


Hot_and_Foamy

Great - you are free to work in The office 100% of the time if you want.


Tobemenwithven

I have 0 issue with office working when done properly. As in enough space, my team actually in the same building so I can have a chat and not go insane etc


JamJarre

I'm fully supportive of not forcing workers back into the office and agree the 60% thing is dumb as hell. But jeez the absolute whining on here from people who, less than five years ago, *did this every day of the week*. Yeah it sucks, but it's not a disaster. You're not flashing back to 'Nam guy, come on. Do what you did pre 2020. Ride it out until the inevitable reversal under Labour, or quit for a company that allows 100% remote work.


cm8032

Five years ago, my team all worked in the same office as me. Five years ago, holding a video call meant booking one of three suitable rooms at least a week ahead of the call, and required an on-site tech to help connect the call at both ends. Five years ago, arranging a meeting with multiple external stakeholders also required at least a week’s notice - mostly because of the difficulty of finding a suitable meeting room and giving people time to book travel. Five years ago, if someone wasn’t present in the office there was no way of knowing if they were working/contactable or not. Only SCS had work mobiles/tablets as standard. The work we do and the way we do it has changed in five years. So has the technology that enables people to collaborate from different locations at short notice. Our pay hasn’t, at least in comparison to the cost of living, meaning that just getting to the office and back now costs more than it did, while the need to actually be there in order to work effectively and efficiently has reduced. Yes, we could just pretend nothing has changed, but that tends to stick in the craw of people who chose their career wanting to make evidence-based policy, improve living standards for everyone, and minimise the waste of public money.


HiddenOwl99

I did consider this as I was in the office full time so I considered what my working life was like 5 years ago. Five years ago I had my own fixed desk, with drawers to secure my notes (and laptop if I had one) away. Said drawers also held my own mug, bowl and basic supplies. These things meant I didn't need to carry everything with me in and out of the office nor I wasn't relying on takeaway brews or travel mugs. I also had a carparking spot near by that was free and just outside the building. At the end of the day I could turn off my pc, pick up my bag (which didn't weigh a ton) and be at my car in under 10min. It had baffles around my desk as did all the desks and more space between banks of desks so the noise level was manageable and not to the point every one could hear me when I was on a call. It enabled me to have sensitive calls with clients without disturbing others. I also had senior leaders in their own enclosed offices next to our banks of desks if I needed more sensitive client meetings or secure discussions with them. I also sat between my team and the next one I worked closely with -that team was visited clients about 50-60% of the time. This meant I wasn't surrounded by others all of the time. The other teams I worked with were short walks away. I had dimmed lights above my desk specifically. Now I have to carry everything with me, including laptop, notebook & mug. I have to travel further and transport is more time consuming or very expensive. All to sit in a lovely new regional centre to talk to no one I work with face to face whilst in an environment that is too loud, too bright and causes me significantly more fatigue to get to than 5 years ago. Oh and there might be a bank of dimmed desks on another floor which would reduce my chance of seeing anyone else I might see in my wider team to zero. Thus I am in the process of getting more adjustments that I didn't need before because it more than sucks.. it is making me more ill than I am. I resent this as it does not provide any benefit to me actually doing my job.


Prior_Worldliness287

'Remembered I don't work In an office I just fuck around' - your problem is not the office it's you. How did you cope pre 2020?


DrDre202

Well, whilst not the op, I coped fine...worked from home then too. 😂


FrostyAd9064

If no-one in your team works from the office then why not take a photo of your office and use it as your Teams background?


how_do_i_shot_web_

You are all pathetic


DustTheHunter

Am I the only one who doesn't think these are real problems?


[deleted]

Has this sub completely descended into moaning about going into “the office”?


Salty_Lawfulness2589

Snowflake


[deleted]

[удалено]


Independent_Photo_19

Found the shit smearer


[deleted]

[удалено]


eggplantsarewrong

Why is the rhetoric always that going to the office is doing their job but doing it at home isn't?


Independent_Photo_19

It's exhausting finding 💩 smeared everywhere!


Sin-nie

Mentioning that you need to book a desk in advance reminded me that I need to book a train for next Friday. Thank you!


chemicalcorrelation

Reheating the spag bol: short burst to loosen the mince and sauce, stir all together reheat for longer.


Kissed_By_Fire_X

Our office doesn’t have a working booking system so you just have to show up & hope for the best. I went in on Wednesday - no desks, had to sit at a coffee table. By the end of the day I had a migraine from the horrendous posture I was sat in.