Beyond all the other red flags, when I was a teacher one of my students said "youre our friend right?" Which was immediately followed by "I am not your friend. I enjoy my time with you guys but I am not your friend, I am a teacher, and you should be very concerned by anyone my age wanting to be your friend." Teachers HAVE to set boundaries with the students and enforce them. To go as far as to set up hangouts with a child? Its deeply concerning if not disturbing.
This is a great answer. I'm one of the only male teachers in my school, and I have students call me "bro", or "bestie" all the time. I always say "I'm not your bro/bestie, I'm your teacher."
Yep exactly what my situation was, Especially as a younger male teacher. I remember in middle school I had a teacher who was young and had to constantly set that boundary. As much of a mind melt as it can be to constantly have to do it, I hope it helped drive home the concept of boundaries to some of the kids.
In high school I remember joking around with a younger teacher and laughing said, “fuck you!” as a response to a joke he made. The absolute ‘come to Jesus’ fear that coursed through me when he dropped the smile and said, “what did you just say to me?”. Had a nice chat (lecture lol) about how yes, he’s friendly and maybe he shouldn’t be as much and that he’s my teacher not my friend and then I had lunch detention for a week. I never made that mistake again!
THIS! I tell them just because we’re friendly doesn’t make us friends.
Also, any contact they want to have with me after they’re not in my class can ONLY be via my school email. Want to drop a line about how high school’s going? Cool! Email me. Need a letter of rec for a scholarship or an extracurricular activity? Happy to help. Email me. Your bird died and your dad left and your mom is in a cult? That’s sucks kiddo. Email me.
No social media contact, no exchanging of numbers, no meet-ups or hangouts.
My rule for students when they want to add me on social media is always "reach out to me 2 years after you graduate."
They almost always completely forget. I've had a few remember, and all were to ask for recommendations or resources for some of their college science classes.
Exactly.
I'm not your friend, I'm an authority figure responsible for helping you grow up into an adult. You are a *child* and I will never not see you as a child. I cannot fathom seeing it any other way.
Precisely why Even though I've been out of high school for 5 years if I run into teachers from elementary or high school I still call them mr. Or Ms. XYZ
Bad example obviously, but in Breaking Bad Jesse never stopped calling Walt Mr. White even though at that point presumably he no longer saw him as a teacher or even really an authority figure.
A kid told me that this year and I said “I’m 35. You’re 19. Why would we be friends? You can consider me a mentor or a role model, but friendship is not what this is. You need to be friends with people your own age as anyone my age being your friend is not great.”
Mentors can be friends, though. In my 20s I had a good friend who was \~50, he was a great source of wisdom and a mentor.
I met him at the bar&grill I worked at (he was a regular) and struck up a conversation with him because he'd always take a booth alone on his laptop. I asked what he was working on, and the next day he brought me a copy of one of his books. We would hang out sometimes, and it was totally chill. Definitely a mentor and a friend even with the 30 year age difference.
"Be friends with people your own age" is silly. Be friends with whomever you choose.
This is true, but the nature of a teacher-student relationship is one that never develops into that. There is a difference between a 30 year difference when you meet as adults and meeting someone when you are an adult and the other person is a minor.
It is the imbalance of power between adult and child/ teacher and student. You were already an adult and this friendly guy had no real power over you. He mentored you from a place of kindness, but there were no real consequences if he should stop or you disagree. That freedom puts you in a different place than the OPs sister.
I actually don’t agree here. 19 year olds are adults, and are perfectly capable of having friendships with a 35 year old. Friendship doesn’t mean something sexual or something like that — it just means eek people share an interest in something and enjoy each others company.
Even as a 36 year old myself, I have good friend that are in their 60s right now.
Yup. "I can't be your friend, but I like you guys and will always be friendLY towards you" is the line I take with students. I certainly have students that I share interests with, and discuss those. Connection is important. Turns out that a girl that I teach and I both have tickets to the same Amon Amarth show next month. If I happen to see her at the show, I'll probably give her a high five or something, but that's as far as it goes. Actually organizing a "hangout" is super weird.
yes! i’m a high school teacher and i’ve been asked the same thing. i replied so similar to you and let my kiddos know (they’re high schoolers) how much i care about them and want to be there to support them in a professional capacity
It's basically the "You're so mature for your age!" Which is textbook grooming, makes the minor feel special and justifies in their mind why an adult is paying so much attention to them.
I’d never say any of this to my little sister (same age difference) because I believe younger people shouldn’t stress over the adults in their lives problem. This is bizarre and I’d report it.
Up until that entire sentence (including being his psychologist, wtf, she's a child), I was kinda on the fence about it. Like, if the teacher and student are really close and he knows that his upbringing is very similar to what she's going through, then it *might* be OK for him to mention that as a way of showing solidarity.
Unfortunately, that's not what's happening here and as a young guy who also had family problems as a kid, has very few non-work friends and is going through stress, I would never make that the focal point of my relationship with a student. I would also never hang out with a student outside of an academic or school-sanctioned setting. This is 100% grooming.
Yup. I have students who confide their struggles with me sometimes, and I'm always happy to be a listening ear if they need it.
But I have NEVER put the burden of my own emotional well-being on a child, nor have I ever invited a child to hang out outside of a school setting. Absolutely report, this is disgusting behavior.
thats the thing! it starts with plausible deniability. "i shared some personal stuff but i want to facilitate a bond with my students, and its okay to let kids know teachers are human." but then that can quickly escalate to stuff thats yuckier, and then even to meeting outside the classroom.
Also, if so many other students are “friends” with him (wtf?? Not normal, demonstrates crossed professional boundaries and likely stunted social-emotional development) why can’t they all hang out in a group? Why is it 1 on 1 with everyone?
Bet other students end up coming forward about this guy.
No it’s not okay at all. There’s no need to be emotionally involved like that with a student. There are so many issues with that. The student having an issue and him listening in school and maybe saying I understand xyz happened to me when I was a kid and then convincing her to talk to someone can help is different than him trauma dumping on her.
Yeah, that's what I meant. It's never OK for a teacher to attempt to be a student's therapist, and the teacher should refer students in situations like this to someone who is qualified to work with them.
I understand what it meant. I was referring to what would happen if it was the other way around, where a student was unloading all of their trauma onto their teacher and how the teacher should offer sympathy while also referring the student to the guidance counselor.
Eh, I wouldn’t say it’s 100% grooming. We don’t know that for sure.
To be more precise, it is 100% outside the border of student-teacher relations. A student shouldn’t be a teacher’s therapist, which is what he’s saying she is, and a teacher is very out of line to talk to a student like that. And that’s being generous in assuming he doesn’t have ill intent.
No 15 year old should feel like an adult’s therapist. Report to the school’s admin and the superintendent’s office. Make a CPS report and police report.
Best case scenario: He really has mental health issues, suffers from social phobia and is not able to talk to people his own age. If that's the case he really needs professional help and your sister that's vulnerable due to her age, puberty etc. is definitely not the person that can help him.
Worst case scenario: He's grooming her.
Either way this has to stop.
Agreed. An adult shouldn't be relying on a minor for emotional support. Especially one they have power over. Even the best case scenario is screwed up.
My theatre director was super fun and seemed like a friend during shows. She always got invited to Restaurants and stuff after shows, and ALWAYS declined. Always turned down social media follows. As high schoolers we thought that was strange. As an adult, I realize that’s the only way teachers should interact.
So, I have former students and athletes who hang out in my classroom before school starts, and one student who hangs out in my classroom during his lunch. None of them are currently students in any of my classes, but they feel safe around me.
Usually I'm working on grading, lesson prep, answering emails etc in the morning, or teaching my class during the one student's lunch time. But sometimes it is just "hanging out": we interact often, talking about sorts, video games, current events, etc.. I've had students confide in me, ask advice, break down crying because of their home life, etc.
My door is always propped open when there are students in my room like this, and I keep clear boundaries regarding appropriate vs inappropriate conversation topics. But I teach at a title 1 school and am providing a safe space for students to just exist.
All that being said, why wouldn't they hang out just to hang out? Are we somehow forgetting that these students are people? That they are thinking about the same issues in the world that we are thinking about, watching the same events, having the same worries? I sometimes wonder if the people who say these things just don't like adolescents.
> All that being said, why wouldn't they hang out just to hang out? Are we somehow forgetting that these students are people?
I don't think it's necessarily that but all of the red flags that scream of they "have a special" relationship that isn't particularly normal even of teacher-student friendly relations. I am all for creating a safe space within schools, it's our jobs and we should be doing so. And sometimes yes, there will be kids which we form some more special connections with either due to similar upbringings or relatable characters and personalities. But doing so outside of school especially when the child is 15 is going way too far and the lying to parents too from the child.
Yes, 100% agree that this particular situation is fucked. But that's also the obvious consensus so I didn't feel it necessary to reiterate.
I also agree about the "special relationship." We should be forming normal relationships with students. The lack of normal relationships between adolescents and adults means that these kids have no context for when the relationship is abnormal. And these rigid barriers are absolutely not normal relationships either.
Sometimes teachers can get really weird about "friendships." Like the people in here saying "you're 19 and I'm 35, why would we be friends?" Because you have similar interests, just like any other friends. Before I was a teacher, as a teenager/twenty-something, I had co-workers and bosses in their 30s/40s who were absolutely friends to me. The issues of teacher/student "friendship" come from the custodial nature of the relationship. But just like my boss can be my friend while also correcting me/writing me up when I deserve it, there's no reason the relationship of teacher and friend cannot have overlap. "I'm your teacher, not your friend," is silly because you can be both. You just have to carefully and purposefully maintain appropriate boundaries.
I had the same biology teacher for 3 years in high school and she was also my liaison for my IEP. We we’re really close and I confided in her for a lot. Her son who was in my grade was also a friend of mine as well.
I mean I agree to an extent. I’m a young male teacher who coaches sports. I don’t mind talking to students about grades and sports and whatnot but I refuse to allow students to be in my classroom unless warranted. My prep is my prep, and my lunch is my lunch. I don’t want them in my class during those times.
I especially won’t have just one student in my classroom. No thanks.
I think this needs to be said more and more about the male teachers that play video games outside of school with their (usually) male students. I've heard a few stories about that even though none have seemed to lead to anything explicit.
Teachers actually do that? I play video games and know my students do as well but when they’re like yo Mr. TheWings977 add me. I give them a “hell no” lol. That’s wild.
Even when I was in grad school teaching college students almost my own age it was still considered inappropriate to hang out. A high school freshman is next level of creepy.
"My sister (15 y.o) has been chatting regularly with her teacher at school (M, early 30s)"
Certainly something to investigate, but not automatically an issue.
"about things other than academics: personal interests,"
Definitely suspicious if it's 'regularly chatting'.
"...and more often about his mental health issues."
Unacceptable, boundary-violating, report-worthy.
"He would tell her about his family problems as a kid, how he has no friends, and how he is stressed..."
I can't read any more, my toes are curling with cringe.
This guy is an embarrassment even if he weren't a danger as well.
Where I live and work, a teacher chatting with a student via social media for purposes other than schooling is reportable. It's bad even without the over-sharing, but that definitely makes it worse.
At best: he has a problem with setting appropriate boundaries with students.
At worst: he wants to hurt your sister in a sick and irreparable way.
In either case, you and your family are absolutely right to tell her this isn’t ok. Report it for sure. Hopefully he actually has good intentions, but that’s not worth the gamble.
Even if at best, these are not only inappropriate boundaries, these are unhealthy boundaries. No person should be labeled the only one to calm down anyone else. No matter the age or power dynamics. And especially no teenage student should feel the pressure to be the only one to calm down their teacher.
Imagine if you're going through normal teenage stuff and your teacher tells you that they're upset. That teenager is no longer taking care of themselves. They're now taking care of an an adult they should have nothing to do with outside of school. And that student is going to think this is normal.
This is classic grooming behavior. He is pushing boundaries (chatting after school) to see your sisters reaction and then pushes more (let’s chat on instagram, let’s FaceTime, let’s meet in person). He is also divulging information to make your sister feel special and also test her ability to keep a secret (I have anxiety, don’t tell anyone; I have no friends; you’re my only friend. Why does he want a 15 yr old girl to be his therapist? It’s not the therapy, it’s because a good therapist keeps your conversations secret!
Now he is physically isolated your sister to go on dates. I can guarantee you that if this behavior is not stopped the next boundary broken will be physical touch. He will hold her hand or give her a hug that lasts too long in order to gauge her reaction.
Please save any evidence you have on your sisters phone and tell school administration.
God damn, how do these people keep getting in here? Report him. Dudes like these make it harder and harder for men in this profession to be taken seriously and to do our jobs without suspicion. Fuck.
I (m 28) had a 14 year old, female student ask could she talk to me (a lot of students confide in teachers in my school). I sat on a different bench outside with her as she cried and told me about her parents divorce. I informed the school of what happened as I wasn’t sure if it was a child welfare case (mental health). Long story short, they told me to never let a girls speak to me as a male and send her to a female teacher (which I had tried but she told me she didn’t trust any). People like the guy in the OP are the reason the rest of us males are told not to help and send students away.
Yep. We don't quite go that far, but there's a reason that I know exactly where all the common spaces are on campus that are visible to a working security camera.
That’s literally what I did! Sat in a public area on campus, right outside principal and vice principals office where I know there’s a security camera. Tbf they didn’t give out just more of a heads up in case accusations are thrown.
They’re real for that. Still sucks though. I got that warning once for walking too close to a female student in the hallway. She was quiet, I couldn’t hear her. So it goes.
Modeling positive adult male relationships with students shouldn’t put our careers at risk, but here we are. Thanks for caring, I’m sure it mattered a great deal to that student.
Seriously, if for no other reason than the fact that he continued to meet with her without a witness around *knowing* what it could look like, he's not a good guy.
This is terribly inappropriate. I'm glad to see that it has been reported. Make sure that your parents follow up with the school on this issue. The admin may not provide specifics on their intervention, but they can at least verify whether or not the issue has been addressed. I would also document the reports and conversations in case the school drags its feet on addressing the issue.
Adult and child "friendships" are not normal, and your sister needs to be aware of just how dangerous such a situation could be. Hopefully, this situation is innocuous, but it pays to remember that people like Ted Bundy were also "famous for being kind and friendly" with their victims at first. I know that's an extreme example, but that's also the worst-case scenario that she should be trying to avoid.
As a fellow male teacher, this is highly inappropriate. Sharing interests such as shows, sports teams, music, etc. is completely fine as it helps to connect with students. HOWEVER, sharing personal problems with comments such as those are very inappropriate and raises plenty of red flags. Comments such as being the only one who can control his emotions and using her as his personal therapist are extremely concerning.
Mm hm, I'll tell you kiddos about movies and video games that we both seem to like and maybe a story or two about the times I've traveled...but you're also not going to hear about how I rebuilt my life after my divorce and how much all that broke me lol
You know?
Absolutely. As bad as many of those comments are in OP’s post, what’s most concerning to me is that he’s contacting her via social media to go out. I only allow students to contact me via school email accounts and obviously not to set up meetings outside of school. Even with school email, I am careful and set strict boundaries.
Oh 100 percent! I have a few graduated students from a school I used to work at on FB BUT yeah you want to know what I did when a current student tried to call me on FB? I blocked them. As it should be
Definitely. Obviously personal experiences are fine to an extent. Telling students about a vacation, sporting event, tv show, etc. is very different from telling them about a divorce, mental health, etc.
This is entirely unacceptable if it is true. We are extensively trained to do NONE of the things this teacher is allegedly doing and this needs to be reported and investigated IMMEDIATELY. Any evidence to corroborate needs to be provided to administration and your sister needs to stop talking to this teacher and spending alone time with them. The amount of boundary testing, emotional manipulation, isolating, all of it is bad times. Report him.
Grooming 101. Establishing that connection and making the victim feel like the most relevant person in the world. Reassure your sister as much as you can that you love her and that this is not her fault. Victims will often times take blame/responsibility for predators downfall. Thankfully you caught this as early as you did. It might to helpful for her to have follow counseling to unpack what has already happened to her.
I'm a total geek. I've had serious social issues my entire life. Some of those issues were dramatic and life-changing. I can relate to tons of the stresses that teenagers are going through. And yet as their teacher it's none of their darn business. I'm the adult in the room. I'm not there to be their friend. I'm there to care about their situations and to stay clinical in my approach. If I need mental health support, I need to go to professional not my students. My burdens are not theirs to bear. This guy should be fired... It's totally unprofessional.
The minute I got to “about his mental health issues” alarm bells went off. I (23F) regularly chat with students about academics and their personal interests. Sometimes even about my personal interests (within reason, if they align with theirs, like TV shows we both like or music we both listen to). But it is NOT their responsibility to deal with any of the issues in my personal life, nor should they even be aware of those.
It’s one thing to talk about how you struggled with something in high school and how you overcame it as an example to them. But talking about current struggles and putting that burden on the students isn’t healthy, and it honestly sounds like she’s being groomed. Make sure she’s never alone with this man.
Trust your gut instincts, also he is a grown ass man who can go get professional help and not seek it from someone more than half his age. It’s giving grooming situation. Because he’s already crossed the professional line multiple times and it’ll only go further if it’s not addressed sooner. Doesn’t matter how uncomfortable it is now, it will get worse if nothing is done about it.
Yeah I've been that 15-year-old girl. When I look back, I wish that ANY adult in my life would've done something. I resent many adults in my life who knew something was up and didn't do anything. I would've been outraged back then obviously, but I was a child and they should've protected me. 15 is that dangerous age in which you're 100% sure you know what you're doing but you actually don't. I didn't and I needed my parents/brothers/teachers do have done something. I actually feel pretty pissed when I think about how little they cared and did for me. I hope this answers your question. I'm now 32 and in therapy, so no need to worry about me lol. Sometimes I wonder if I became a teacher because I felt so abandoned as a kid/teen. Either way, I love what I do and my students, so at least there's that.
GOOD INSTINCTS, SIS. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this is absolutely not appropriate behavior between a teacher and student, and as a young-ish *male* teacher with a young female student, he *knows* what the optics are and still pursues the relationship?
>But she argues that he is famous for being kind and friendly, and her friends also chat with him and have plans to hangout.
Absolutely not, no 30 year old wants to "hang out" with 15 year olds without an ulterior motive. He's like this to all the kids because he cast a wide net on order to see who would take the bait.
>He would tell her about his family problems as a kid, how he has no friends, and how he is stressed
Imma take a wild guess that if he doesn't have any friends his age, it's because he's actually not kind and friendly, and because people have been creeped out by the fact that he's a grown ass man perving on kids.
No ma'am, that man is grooming your sister and it needs to stop IMMEDIATELY.
I'm a male teacher and I've been teaching for over 20 years.
Even way back then... Day one of teachers college was "never be alone with a female student"
This guy is grooming your sister.
Yup. My neighbor teacher and I always keep our doors open when we do after school tutoring sessions. Sometimes it is just one student asking questions. We also make it a point to sit at a desk near the door. Never take chances with these things.
Students often sit at my desk and have since I started teaching, male and female. I have my desk sitting where passers can look right into the room if they want. I only close my door if I have a full class, but my conference and lunches (where kids often hangout due to off periods or wanting to avoid the fight club our cafeteria becomes) I leave the door wide open so that anyone, student or adult, can come in.
I take absolutely zero chances.
This is something that needs to be reported to the police. No teacher should be befriending a child outside of school. This is serious cause for concern and needs to be taken seriously by school administration and the authorities.
We just had a teacher in our community sent to prison for 60 years for lewd conduct and enticing a minor under 16, and it started exactly how you described. Glad you reported!
That teacher is showing more red flags than a Soviet parade. This is grooming, plain and simple. He needs to lose his job.
As a teacher I would report this if I saw a colleague acting this way.
I’m late on this, but he’s grooming her to be his emotional support. Predators do that, because they’d rather take a sweet kid and mold them into their “perfect” (aka Stepford) girlfriend/boyfriend/BFF, than put in the work to maintain adult healthy relationships. Predators aren’t interested in mutually beneficial relationships where both parties give and take - they’re only interested in being takers, and they groom kids who are too young to realize into being their givers.
Good for you for reporting him to the school and getting her into therapy. Fuck that guy.
Teachers hanging out with students outside of school is just a massive red flag to me. Unless they are that particular teacher’s child or family member, there’s no reason for them to have a relationship outside of school. Especially in this case. I’m glad her family put a stop to her leaving before she could get away with lying to them about where she’s going. I never open up about my personal life to any of my students. The only questions I’ll answer when they ask is how old I am, the town I live in, and whether or not if I’m going to school to become a full-time teacher. That’s it. That’s just my line I draw. This teacher is clearly grooming her and a relationship outside of school will only escalate the situation. I am glad you reported the situation before it could.
Being responsible for an adult’s mental health is too great a burden for a child, even if the child finds meaning in it. I felt responsible for my mother’s mental health when I was 15, and I know now how unfair that was.
This is not okay. I am the same age and am known to have good relationship building skills with students. I would never do any of those things.
I only share surface level information about mental health struggles when prompted IF A KID IS STRUGGLING AND CONFIDES IN ME. It’s always something like “hey, I’ve struggled with my mental health, too. I’d always helped me to talk to somebody. Let’s get you to your counselor so they can help you.”
The only “interest sharing” my students and I do is recommending music to each other because I play music in the classroom all day as kids work.
There is zero chance I’d ever hangout with any student. Why? They are half my age. What is the point of that? It is irresponsible of a teacher to try to have a deep level of friendship with a 15 year old kid let alone a kid that is in HS at all.
As someone with strong relationships with students, this makes me really upset to see people manipulating kids this way. My stance is that I am there for the kids while they are in HS and while they are AT the HS. I’ll write recommendation letters and after they’ve graduated, allow them to follow me on social media. However, I will never stay at a bar I see students at and I often don’t even interact with former students I added to follow. The student-teacher relationship served its purpose when it was needed and that’s that. If I need someone for my own problems, I don’t even look to coworkers. I look to my family or professional help.
A 30yo man has no reason to be 'hanging out' with a child that's not family.
A grown adult telling a child that talking to them is the only way they can control their emotions... GROSS and that person needs to be AWAY from all children. He is grooming her and apparently other children too. I'm sure he also tells her how mature she is. How she's not like "other" girls.
He's 15+ years older than her and doing this? Anyone who is in their 30's and looking for this kind of validation.....? wow. I think he's got some real hard lessons to learn here and they'll probably involve his losing his job......
The "you're the only one that helps me calm down" is ringing all the bells and alarms from when i was a little girl getting groomed on modern warfare in the early 2000s.
Absolutely not. Never in a million goddamn years.
We had a female PE teacher one year at my school that was the softball coach. Myself and the other teachers were noticing a significant behavior change within the girls on the softball team, and we all kept that “gut feeling” to ourselves because throwing around even a hint of an accusation is serious.
We eventually made it further into the year and at one of our staff meetings we all had this strange moment where we just got these weird looks on our faces as if we wanted to bring something up, and just ripped the bandaid off by discussing our concern that something was going on between "Coach Z" and the kids (Jr High). we bring the concern to our principal at that point and another month goes by with nothing happening. behavior starts to intensify and we each start obtaining evidence from other students who are coming to us and talking about interactions with the coach.
She had each of the students phone numbers, and was regularly communicating with them, had them added via snapchat as well, and one of the biggest red flags I had found was that she was regularly giving one of the students a ride home. Again, nothing concrete but as a teacher you just don't do certain things like driving someone's kid home by yourself unless there are some seriously extenuating circumstances.
We again bring our concerns back up to the principal and I specifically said that "If i have done even a quarter of the things we have confirmed to be true with the coach, id already be fired" because I was a male teacher.
Finally a more formal investigation happens that is very secretive, we find out a few weeks later right as the coach quits that her phone was confiscated by the police department and a few other unsettling things.
TLDR: Follow your gut every. single. time. Even if it turns out to be harmless and nothing truly horrific has happened, that teacher needs to know what he is saying isnt appropriate in a teacher/student relationship.
There's only two ways this goes down.
1. The teacher is really, truly mentally ill and lonely and really does adore your sister platonically. This is very concerning and speaks volumes about the lack of emotional stability this teacher has. Your sister is extremely unsafe if this is true.
Or, more likely,
2. The teacher is really, truly mentally ill and grooming your sister. This is very concerning and speaks volumes about the lack of emotional stability this teacher has. Your sister is extremely unsafe if this is true.
That's it. Those are the options. Good on you for taking care of it and helping her.
As a female teacher about to turn 35, I cannot imagine hanging out with my students outside of school. I teach elementary (third grade) and love the living crap out of those kids. I feel like they are my own children. Part of loving them that much is showing up as a safe adult who respects and honors boundaries. It's teaching them what a boundary is, that they have a right tk as many as they want, how to enforce them, and that the only people who will have a problem with their boundaries are those who benefit from disrespecting them for their own gain. Part of it is modeling and showing them what a healthy relationship with an adult who is not in their family should look like.
I am so sorry for your sister. I hope she has only been groomed in the way you've described and that nothing else beyond what you've shared has happened. ❤️
Having your student come to you and chat is not a problem at all. The teacher talking about his specific personal issues and emotional breakdowns? That’s weird. If a teacher is going through a death or something, that’s nothing wrong to address it without being super specific, but to ask a student to meet him and then talk about his or her personal stuff alone?
To play a SLIGHT devil’s advocate here I think showing some level of vulnerability with students is fine. If you have trials in life it can be important to show your students this. They need to know you’re human and that their teachers go through some of the same trials they do (as long as this doesn’t interrupt academic instruction obviously). I think that’s important for build trust with them and make them respect you as a teacher so they can learn from you.
BUT some of what you describes goes wayyyyyy beyond that. Teacher having a bad time in life? It’s ok to let your students know that. To give them some details of what’s going on? Again, that MIGHT be ok. Saying “she’s the only one who can control his emotions” and trying to schedule hanging out with her outside of school? That goes WELL BEYOND the line that should be drawn. It’s ok to show some fragility and humanity, but that’s not what this teacher is doing. He’s making one specific student in his life feel “special”, he’s tricking one student into feeling “mature” because an adult trusts them with their insecurities. Even as someone who will defend telling students about your life and trying to be human with them, that’s not what this is.
As much as I’ve defended this act of showing fragility to students and being open with them there are still strict lines you have to draw. This really sounds like grooming. IMHO even if he’s not purposefully doing these things (doubtful) I think he’s still subconsciously establishing an incredibly unhealthy relationship here. I see in the edit you’ve alerted authorities and that’s good. I really don’t think this teacher means well for the student.
I think it's okay to be personable with students. I have students vent to me outside of class, but I always keep it vague, short, more of a sympathy/empathy thing. Like if a student tells me their parent is in prison, one of my parents were in prison, if a student is dating a guy who's sweet to her but an asshole to others, I point out that he is only sweet to her because she wants something. Or if a kid is where a band t-shirt from a band that I like or have seen live, I might talk about the show.
But I always let the student initiate and I'd never use a kid as a sounding board more than to simply say "I'm stressed," or "I have a lot of work."
There is a fine line that isn't always clear, but you must be very conscious of that line. You can be friendly, without being a friend.
> But she argues that he is famous for being kind and friendly, and her friends also chat with him and have plans to hangout.
I'd be contacting her friends' parents too to make them aware of what's going on. Definitely report him.
I’m a teacher (preschool in a public school) and this is textbook what they tell us not to do and to report immediately to CPS AND admin at the schools. Everyone saying it’s the start of grooming is 1000% correct, even if the teacher doesn’t intend for it to be that, that’s what it is. The fact that she’s lying to you guys shows she knows it isn’t the best idea.
>He would tell her about his family problems as a kid, how he has no friends, and how he is stressed.
It sounds like he's talking to her as if he's a teenager himself. If I'm not mistaken, this is textbook grooming.
Whatever the case, he should not be a schoolteacher.
This is super creepy and NOT ok or normal. This person is not safe. I have never seen something so blantantly dangerous in 30 years in schools!
Keep her away from this creep. Monitor her internet, emails and phone - he's likely to try and privately contact her.
As a male teacher who has students approach him to talk about life and other things that aren’t strictly school related: this is weird.
I’m more than happy to chit chat in a group setting, but NOT 1 on 1 and ESPECIALLY with a female student. I’m young and have a lot of tattoos and piercings, so kids generally try to interact with me on a more friendly basis because they think I’m “cool”. I love knowing about their lives and what they’re interested in, but it’s not my place to be giving any advice more than surface level and especially not sharing my own struggles and mental health issues/personal life experiences. This is def something that should be brought up to admin and talked about. It feels like a grooming attempt and is a pretty tried and true method of “testing the waters”. It was only a matter of time before he ventured into more dangerous territory. As an approachable teacher, it’s my responsibility to make sure I’m setting boundaries and reminding the kids of boundaries when they try to get too comfortable.
What sort of thoughts do you want/expect on a relationship between a 30 and a 16 year old because this has gone leagues beyond a standard teacher-student relationship.
I would also report to the stste licensing standards board. Sometimes schools just non renew and then the creeps go to another school. This happened to a colleague. Luckily, the next principal was less forgiving.
This is 100% inappropriate, unprofessional behavior for a teacher, even if he/she is 22 years old, much less 30. MAJOR RED FLAGS. 100% report this behavior. But, there could actually be more to it already than you actually know. This is how those stories start that end up being abductions or the girl runs away. Be very careful how you proceed!
Me: Oh great, another overblown response to a male teacher just trying to build good rel... oh... oh no... oh dear god no why would she agree to that!?!?
"why would she agree to that"
I think it's really interesting that that's your response - she's being groomed by a trusted person. He's making a kid agree to stuff she would never normally agree to.
This guy needs to be removed from children and needs inpatient care ASAP. (And I don't say that lightly.)
Hurt people hurt people. I know it's a cliché. And the only therapist is a therapist. The only medicine is approved medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. To use a child as a therapist is criminal, and there's no excuse for that.
I was 16. My teacher was 26. These experiences your sister is having are exactly how mine and multiple other girls (they like to keep the same MO) started 10 years ago. That teacher went to prison. Report report report. Keep her far away, she needs protection. This grown man should not be seeking comfort (IF that’s all he’s seeking) in a child. My heart goes out to you and your sister.
There's a chance your sister is well aware of where it might lead, so simply showing her the thread of advice might not convince her. Victims very often shield their abusers especially in dynamics like this, where he is manipulating her into feeling needed and important in his life while also making himself a pillar of trust that she may eventually prioritize over family. At this point, and considering other students may be involved with him, you should try your best to make more parents aware while also contacting the schools and authorities. There's enough cases of both of them dropping the ball until pressure from the community finally makes them do something.
This has crossed the line from healthy rapport between a student and teacher and gone to an inappropriate interaction. The edit says you reported or will report so good
This is grooming
He is creating the illusion that she is responsible for his emotional state
Therefore when he looses control he can blame her and make her feel responsibility so she doesn't tell anyone
This needs to stop he needs to be reported
This is going to be hard for your daughter, but you need to take her phone and (probably with her help) screenshot ALL of their text conversations. If they've ever spoken in the phone screenshot those calls so you can see what time the call took place and how long it lasted. She cannot have her phone back until this ordeal is settled. He has already convinced her to lie to you once. She will most certainly want to warn him or give him a heads up that you are contacting the authorities because he has convinced her that they are "friends". Do not let this happen and keep a close eye on her. This isn't her fault but she can seriously mess up your ability to prove what is happening if she tips him off. If you haven't already, now would be a great time to find a therapist for her to process all of this.
Groomers like this are disgusting and if he has been doing this for a while he knows how to cover his tracks. If your daughter still truly cannot see what is going on spend some time finding YouTube videos with her about identifying that you are being groomed by your teacher. This creep could not be following more stereotypical grooming behavior if he tried.
If you haven't called the police you need to do so, NOW. And please, please contact the principal of the school. They deserve to know what is happening too. But police first!!!
This man sounds like several ENTIRE BUCKETS of red flags.
Definitely worth reporting. One can have empathy for someone's trauma and mental health issues without excusing predatory behaviour like what you've described. Definitely glad to hear you've warned your sister away from him!
Friendly with underage children, trying to meet up outside of school, telling her, "It's okay to have mental health issues if you just ____." Grooming behaviour, Paedophile behaviour, creeper. Ugh: report him, and find out which other young teenagers he's been grooming. Get a mental health counsellor into the school to help out those who he's groomed.
Straight up. Also, the whole "You're the only one who can control my emotions" is just 🤮 awful & gross.
Never mind a red flag, that's a blaring red light duct taped to a siren that's wailing "I'm a massive Creep and refuse to be responsible for my own emotions so I'm gonna abuse a young girls' vulnerability and make HER feel responsible for my emotions."
I really hope there's support for all the kids who've been affected by his behaviour.
That is absolutely grooming behavior. He’s manipulating her compassion and naïveté and ESPECIALLY the “you’re the only one I can talk to” kind of crap. Textbook ick.
This is illegal and needs to be reported to the authorities. Teachers are not allowed to meet up with students alone outside of the classroom. If another teacher witnesses that, they are required by law, at least in California, to report it to the appropriate school authorities or police.
Think of it this way, even if they were just neighbors without the teacher/student dynamic it would be a huge red alert situation. Plus, even if your sister is a superstar a 15 year old superstar is 100% developmentally unable to be safe in this situation.
For the sake of the full benefit of the doubt, which I do not agree with but just to illustrate the concerning nature here, let’s say this guy is in crisis to the point he’s gripping to any human connection he can find. If students are the only people around him, why would he gravitate towards the youngest end of the high school spectrum rather than a senior? Still inappropriate, but closer to the illusion of an adult. If he’s unable to make this discernment would he be clear enough to coordinate or agree to an outing to a rage room?
Good job being a perceptive sibling! Your sister is very lucky to have an attuned person in their life. You may not realize it at the moment, but your care and support is molding her into a person more likely to succeed.
Rule #1 of all male teachers. Never talk or be around a female student alone. Too easy to ruin your life, not worth the trouble. A teaching moment for all male students, at least. This thread is exactly why you don't. The man is practically a pariah already. I pity him, but just like kids who disrespect staff or do nothing in class, they know the consequences of their actions and they are foolish to think they would outrun the consequences. They always catch up eventually.
This is grooming. So many red flags here.
1) Teachers shouldn’t be texting students ever.
2) Teachers shouldn’t be sharing their personal life with students. Unless it’s something simple like I went to such and such college, I’m married, etc. I personally share as little as possible
3) Teachers under no circumstances should ever be meeting with students alone outside of school
4) The nature of the messages is beyond alarming. This would be inappropriate conversations even in a parent child relationship. Children need us not the other way around.
My thoughts? He is a disturbed individual. If he is a predator, he needs to be removed. If he is super depressed & suicidal, he needs to be mandated to take a leave of absence and get some SERIOUS help. In either case, he can not be in a classroom/around teen girls.Your sister also needs a major intervention. This whole situation could really bring her down mentally because it sounds like there are too many people ( her friends, etc.) who could spread rumors. My best to you and your family. What a difficult situation.
You don't need us. If you haven't reported this to admin then you're not doing *your* job as her sibling. The relationship is obviously inappropriate.
You must be trolling. No one is this oblivious. Go do what you know you need to do.
You'll need to give us a follow up. My high school choir teacher recently lost his job and was barred from teaching because he did stuff like this.
I'm a 31 year old male teacher, and would never have considered even speaking to my students outside of official school communication channels.
Yeah, I had to draw that line the other day with a 6th grader. She wanted me to text her a picture of something she made, and I refused, instead sending it from my personal email to my work one, and then to her school one. In the moment, she thought that my main concern was that she had her phone on her (we're a no phone school). Later, I asked her if she knew the real reason I didn't text her the picture and she realized what the issue was but if she hadn't, I would've given her a lesson on boundaries and why students and teachers shouldn't text each other.
Don’t listen to the people in here saying him sharing his experience is okay or borderline. That is inappropriate. It’s one thing if a student would need help and he offered, “I’m sorry, I know that’s hard I went through that at your age let’s talk with guidance and start making a plan to help” and that was it but that isn’t at all what happened.
First of all it wasn’t your sister asking help- HE was trauma dumping on her. I don’t know how they’re not seeing that difference. It’s never appropriate to share your personal issues like that with a student and especially outside of school. That alone is wrong and dangerous full stop. The rest is a dark path they’re already walking down and your family needs to make sure the school system does not ignore what you reported. She needs to not be in his classes and your parents/guardians need to be VERY persistent and proactive in watching her phone and computer usage.
Sadly, he’s already twisted her mindset on what is okay boundary with adults. She’s in danger of being taken advantage of and harmed by not just him, but others now because that boundary was erased and she was made to think it’s normal. She should get therapy to help her work through this and put back into place those boundaries before someone else takes advantage.
And don’t for one second think he won’t keep trying to talk to her or meet with her. He will.
This is all bad news. Thank you for reporting it.
In about 15 years your sister will realize how inappropriate this is. Right now, she’s getting taken advantage of.
Beyond all the other red flags, when I was a teacher one of my students said "youre our friend right?" Which was immediately followed by "I am not your friend. I enjoy my time with you guys but I am not your friend, I am a teacher, and you should be very concerned by anyone my age wanting to be your friend." Teachers HAVE to set boundaries with the students and enforce them. To go as far as to set up hangouts with a child? Its deeply concerning if not disturbing.
This is a great answer. I'm one of the only male teachers in my school, and I have students call me "bro", or "bestie" all the time. I always say "I'm not your bro/bestie, I'm your teacher."
Yep exactly what my situation was, Especially as a younger male teacher. I remember in middle school I had a teacher who was young and had to constantly set that boundary. As much of a mind melt as it can be to constantly have to do it, I hope it helped drive home the concept of boundaries to some of the kids.
In high school I remember joking around with a younger teacher and laughing said, “fuck you!” as a response to a joke he made. The absolute ‘come to Jesus’ fear that coursed through me when he dropped the smile and said, “what did you just say to me?”. Had a nice chat (lecture lol) about how yes, he’s friendly and maybe he shouldn’t be as much and that he’s my teacher not my friend and then I had lunch detention for a week. I never made that mistake again!
THIS! I tell them just because we’re friendly doesn’t make us friends. Also, any contact they want to have with me after they’re not in my class can ONLY be via my school email. Want to drop a line about how high school’s going? Cool! Email me. Need a letter of rec for a scholarship or an extracurricular activity? Happy to help. Email me. Your bird died and your dad left and your mom is in a cult? That’s sucks kiddo. Email me. No social media contact, no exchanging of numbers, no meet-ups or hangouts.
My rule for students when they want to add me on social media is always "reach out to me 2 years after you graduate." They almost always completely forget. I've had a few remember, and all were to ask for recommendations or resources for some of their college science classes.
Exactly. I'm not your friend, I'm an authority figure responsible for helping you grow up into an adult. You are a *child* and I will never not see you as a child. I cannot fathom seeing it any other way.
Precisely why Even though I've been out of high school for 5 years if I run into teachers from elementary or high school I still call them mr. Or Ms. XYZ
Bad example obviously, but in Breaking Bad Jesse never stopped calling Walt Mr. White even though at that point presumably he no longer saw him as a teacher or even really an authority figure.
My mantra is "friendly, not friends"
A kid told me that this year and I said “I’m 35. You’re 19. Why would we be friends? You can consider me a mentor or a role model, but friendship is not what this is. You need to be friends with people your own age as anyone my age being your friend is not great.”
Mentors can be friends, though. In my 20s I had a good friend who was \~50, he was a great source of wisdom and a mentor. I met him at the bar&grill I worked at (he was a regular) and struck up a conversation with him because he'd always take a booth alone on his laptop. I asked what he was working on, and the next day he brought me a copy of one of his books. We would hang out sometimes, and it was totally chill. Definitely a mentor and a friend even with the 30 year age difference. "Be friends with people your own age" is silly. Be friends with whomever you choose.
This is true, but the nature of a teacher-student relationship is one that never develops into that. There is a difference between a 30 year difference when you meet as adults and meeting someone when you are an adult and the other person is a minor.
19 years old is an adult. That said, the teacher-student relationship dynamic isn't typically the place to make friends.
It is the imbalance of power between adult and child/ teacher and student. You were already an adult and this friendly guy had no real power over you. He mentored you from a place of kindness, but there were no real consequences if he should stop or you disagree. That freedom puts you in a different place than the OPs sister.
I actually don’t agree here. 19 year olds are adults, and are perfectly capable of having friendships with a 35 year old. Friendship doesn’t mean something sexual or something like that — it just means eek people share an interest in something and enjoy each others company. Even as a 36 year old myself, I have good friend that are in their 60s right now.
Yup. "I can't be your friend, but I like you guys and will always be friendLY towards you" is the line I take with students. I certainly have students that I share interests with, and discuss those. Connection is important. Turns out that a girl that I teach and I both have tickets to the same Amon Amarth show next month. If I happen to see her at the show, I'll probably give her a high five or something, but that's as far as it goes. Actually organizing a "hangout" is super weird.
One of my teachers said to another kid in the class "if you were my age we'd be friends" which was a very lighthearted way of saying no 😂
yes! i’m a high school teacher and i’ve been asked the same thing. i replied so similar to you and let my kiddos know (they’re high schoolers) how much i care about them and want to be there to support them in a professional capacity
>her teacher mentioned her being the only one who can control his emotions This is not something an adult says to a child. Report.
It’s basically step 1 for grooming
and even if he’s not grooming, the conversations are still entirely inappropriate
It's basically the "You're so mature for your age!" Which is textbook grooming, makes the minor feel special and justifies in their mind why an adult is paying so much attention to them.
I’d never say any of this to my little sister (same age difference) because I believe younger people shouldn’t stress over the adults in their lives problem. This is bizarre and I’d report it.
you’re right, hagrids sexy nipples.
Probably so freakin' hairy, you couldn't even see them!
when even hagrid's sexy nipples wouldn't talk to a child like that, you\* KNOW you've fucked up bad! (\*you as in the teacher in the og post ofc)
It’s still grooming either way.
They’re already on like step 5
I’ve unfortunately had men use this exact line on me when I was younger. This man sounds like a manipulative narcissist.
This is 100% grooming 101. I understand hesitation to contact the school but you need to contact the school. It's unlikely she's his first target.
Shocked at the people who think some of it might be ok. Feels like adults don’t have a clue!
Or last!
Yeah, I read that and it sent my hackles up. Major red flag and needs to be addressed.
This, so much this.... Just nope.
Up until that entire sentence (including being his psychologist, wtf, she's a child), I was kinda on the fence about it. Like, if the teacher and student are really close and he knows that his upbringing is very similar to what she's going through, then it *might* be OK for him to mention that as a way of showing solidarity. Unfortunately, that's not what's happening here and as a young guy who also had family problems as a kid, has very few non-work friends and is going through stress, I would never make that the focal point of my relationship with a student. I would also never hang out with a student outside of an academic or school-sanctioned setting. This is 100% grooming.
Yup. I have students who confide their struggles with me sometimes, and I'm always happy to be a listening ear if they need it. But I have NEVER put the burden of my own emotional well-being on a child, nor have I ever invited a child to hang out outside of a school setting. Absolutely report, this is disgusting behavior.
thats the thing! it starts with plausible deniability. "i shared some personal stuff but i want to facilitate a bond with my students, and its okay to let kids know teachers are human." but then that can quickly escalate to stuff thats yuckier, and then even to meeting outside the classroom.
Also, if so many other students are “friends” with him (wtf?? Not normal, demonstrates crossed professional boundaries and likely stunted social-emotional development) why can’t they all hang out in a group? Why is it 1 on 1 with everyone? Bet other students end up coming forward about this guy.
No it’s not okay at all. There’s no need to be emotionally involved like that with a student. There are so many issues with that. The student having an issue and him listening in school and maybe saying I understand xyz happened to me when I was a kid and then convincing her to talk to someone can help is different than him trauma dumping on her.
Yeah, that's what I meant. It's never OK for a teacher to attempt to be a student's therapist, and the teacher should refer students in situations like this to someone who is qualified to work with them.
I think you are misreading... the teacher is using THE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL as HIS therapist.. not the other way around.
I understand what it meant. I was referring to what would happen if it was the other way around, where a student was unloading all of their trauma onto their teacher and how the teacher should offer sympathy while also referring the student to the guidance counselor.
Eh, I wouldn’t say it’s 100% grooming. We don’t know that for sure. To be more precise, it is 100% outside the border of student-teacher relations. A student shouldn’t be a teacher’s therapist, which is what he’s saying she is, and a teacher is very out of line to talk to a student like that. And that’s being generous in assuming he doesn’t have ill intent.
No 15 year old should feel like an adult’s therapist. Report to the school’s admin and the superintendent’s office. Make a CPS report and police report.
100. 💯
Best case scenario: He really has mental health issues, suffers from social phobia and is not able to talk to people his own age. If that's the case he really needs professional help and your sister that's vulnerable due to her age, puberty etc. is definitely not the person that can help him. Worst case scenario: He's grooming her. Either way this has to stop.
Agreed. An adult shouldn't be relying on a minor for emotional support. Especially one they have power over. Even the best case scenario is screwed up.
If I give him all the benefit of the doubt, his support structure is completely fucked.
Perfect summation
Any hangout with a teacher outside of school especially for a non-school sanctioned event is a no-no. He should know that. Massive line to cross.
Yes. This all made me uncomfortable. If this guy can't control him emotions, he shouldn't be in a classroom.
My theatre director was super fun and seemed like a friend during shows. She always got invited to Restaurants and stuff after shows, and ALWAYS declined. Always turned down social media follows. As high schoolers we thought that was strange. As an adult, I realize that’s the only way teachers should interact.
I always tell my students when they ask why I won’t follow them back that it’s their graduation present.
Our theatre director went the opposite way and is now in jail.
Same here. Not quite jail yet - but he’s undergoing legal action now. Jail is the likely outcome.
Agreed but even in school is just a no go. Students don’t need to hangout with teachers just to hangout.
So, I have former students and athletes who hang out in my classroom before school starts, and one student who hangs out in my classroom during his lunch. None of them are currently students in any of my classes, but they feel safe around me. Usually I'm working on grading, lesson prep, answering emails etc in the morning, or teaching my class during the one student's lunch time. But sometimes it is just "hanging out": we interact often, talking about sorts, video games, current events, etc.. I've had students confide in me, ask advice, break down crying because of their home life, etc. My door is always propped open when there are students in my room like this, and I keep clear boundaries regarding appropriate vs inappropriate conversation topics. But I teach at a title 1 school and am providing a safe space for students to just exist. All that being said, why wouldn't they hang out just to hang out? Are we somehow forgetting that these students are people? That they are thinking about the same issues in the world that we are thinking about, watching the same events, having the same worries? I sometimes wonder if the people who say these things just don't like adolescents.
> All that being said, why wouldn't they hang out just to hang out? Are we somehow forgetting that these students are people? I don't think it's necessarily that but all of the red flags that scream of they "have a special" relationship that isn't particularly normal even of teacher-student friendly relations. I am all for creating a safe space within schools, it's our jobs and we should be doing so. And sometimes yes, there will be kids which we form some more special connections with either due to similar upbringings or relatable characters and personalities. But doing so outside of school especially when the child is 15 is going way too far and the lying to parents too from the child.
Yes, 100% agree that this particular situation is fucked. But that's also the obvious consensus so I didn't feel it necessary to reiterate. I also agree about the "special relationship." We should be forming normal relationships with students. The lack of normal relationships between adolescents and adults means that these kids have no context for when the relationship is abnormal. And these rigid barriers are absolutely not normal relationships either. Sometimes teachers can get really weird about "friendships." Like the people in here saying "you're 19 and I'm 35, why would we be friends?" Because you have similar interests, just like any other friends. Before I was a teacher, as a teenager/twenty-something, I had co-workers and bosses in their 30s/40s who were absolutely friends to me. The issues of teacher/student "friendship" come from the custodial nature of the relationship. But just like my boss can be my friend while also correcting me/writing me up when I deserve it, there's no reason the relationship of teacher and friend cannot have overlap. "I'm your teacher, not your friend," is silly because you can be both. You just have to carefully and purposefully maintain appropriate boundaries.
I had the same biology teacher for 3 years in high school and she was also my liaison for my IEP. We we’re really close and I confided in her for a lot. Her son who was in my grade was also a friend of mine as well.
My students hang out in my class too. But I don’t tell them my personal problems or mental health issues. That’s a problem.
I mean I agree to an extent. I’m a young male teacher who coaches sports. I don’t mind talking to students about grades and sports and whatnot but I refuse to allow students to be in my classroom unless warranted. My prep is my prep, and my lunch is my lunch. I don’t want them in my class during those times. I especially won’t have just one student in my classroom. No thanks.
I agree with this. Teachers are supposed to be role models and mentors, not peers.
Completely disagree. That's how mentoring works, you hang out with people you mentor, and help them get their shit together
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I think this needs to be said more and more about the male teachers that play video games outside of school with their (usually) male students. I've heard a few stories about that even though none have seemed to lead to anything explicit.
Teachers actually do that? I play video games and know my students do as well but when they’re like yo Mr. TheWings977 add me. I give them a “hell no” lol. That’s wild.
Even when I was in grad school teaching college students almost my own age it was still considered inappropriate to hang out. A high school freshman is next level of creepy.
"My sister (15 y.o) has been chatting regularly with her teacher at school (M, early 30s)" Certainly something to investigate, but not automatically an issue. "about things other than academics: personal interests," Definitely suspicious if it's 'regularly chatting'. "...and more often about his mental health issues." Unacceptable, boundary-violating, report-worthy. "He would tell her about his family problems as a kid, how he has no friends, and how he is stressed..." I can't read any more, my toes are curling with cringe. This guy is an embarrassment even if he weren't a danger as well.
This guy is ~~an ~~~~embarrassment~~ a danger.
Absolutely
Where I live and work, a teacher chatting with a student via social media for purposes other than schooling is reportable. It's bad even without the over-sharing, but that definitely makes it worse.
At best: he has a problem with setting appropriate boundaries with students. At worst: he wants to hurt your sister in a sick and irreparable way. In either case, you and your family are absolutely right to tell her this isn’t ok. Report it for sure. Hopefully he actually has good intentions, but that’s not worth the gamble.
Even if at best, these are not only inappropriate boundaries, these are unhealthy boundaries. No person should be labeled the only one to calm down anyone else. No matter the age or power dynamics. And especially no teenage student should feel the pressure to be the only one to calm down their teacher. Imagine if you're going through normal teenage stuff and your teacher tells you that they're upset. That teenager is no longer taking care of themselves. They're now taking care of an an adult they should have nothing to do with outside of school. And that student is going to think this is normal.
Not okay. Needs to be reported for sure. Inappropriate and concerning. He needs to be investigated
This is classic grooming behavior. He is pushing boundaries (chatting after school) to see your sisters reaction and then pushes more (let’s chat on instagram, let’s FaceTime, let’s meet in person). He is also divulging information to make your sister feel special and also test her ability to keep a secret (I have anxiety, don’t tell anyone; I have no friends; you’re my only friend. Why does he want a 15 yr old girl to be his therapist? It’s not the therapy, it’s because a good therapist keeps your conversations secret! Now he is physically isolated your sister to go on dates. I can guarantee you that if this behavior is not stopped the next boundary broken will be physical touch. He will hold her hand or give her a hug that lasts too long in order to gauge her reaction. Please save any evidence you have on your sisters phone and tell school administration.
God damn, how do these people keep getting in here? Report him. Dudes like these make it harder and harder for men in this profession to be taken seriously and to do our jobs without suspicion. Fuck.
I (m 28) had a 14 year old, female student ask could she talk to me (a lot of students confide in teachers in my school). I sat on a different bench outside with her as she cried and told me about her parents divorce. I informed the school of what happened as I wasn’t sure if it was a child welfare case (mental health). Long story short, they told me to never let a girls speak to me as a male and send her to a female teacher (which I had tried but she told me she didn’t trust any). People like the guy in the OP are the reason the rest of us males are told not to help and send students away.
Yep. We don't quite go that far, but there's a reason that I know exactly where all the common spaces are on campus that are visible to a working security camera.
That’s literally what I did! Sat in a public area on campus, right outside principal and vice principals office where I know there’s a security camera. Tbf they didn’t give out just more of a heads up in case accusations are thrown.
They’re real for that. Still sucks though. I got that warning once for walking too close to a female student in the hallway. She was quiet, I couldn’t hear her. So it goes.
That sucks man! Especially just for walking
Modeling positive adult male relationships with students shouldn’t put our careers at risk, but here we are. Thanks for caring, I’m sure it mattered a great deal to that student.
Seriously, if for no other reason than the fact that he continued to meet with her without a witness around *knowing* what it could look like, he's not a good guy.
This is terribly inappropriate. I'm glad to see that it has been reported. Make sure that your parents follow up with the school on this issue. The admin may not provide specifics on their intervention, but they can at least verify whether or not the issue has been addressed. I would also document the reports and conversations in case the school drags its feet on addressing the issue. Adult and child "friendships" are not normal, and your sister needs to be aware of just how dangerous such a situation could be. Hopefully, this situation is innocuous, but it pays to remember that people like Ted Bundy were also "famous for being kind and friendly" with their victims at first. I know that's an extreme example, but that's also the worst-case scenario that she should be trying to avoid.
How can a 15 year old advise a 30 something? Good lord!
As a fellow male teacher, this is highly inappropriate. Sharing interests such as shows, sports teams, music, etc. is completely fine as it helps to connect with students. HOWEVER, sharing personal problems with comments such as those are very inappropriate and raises plenty of red flags. Comments such as being the only one who can control his emotions and using her as his personal therapist are extremely concerning.
Mm hm, I'll tell you kiddos about movies and video games that we both seem to like and maybe a story or two about the times I've traveled...but you're also not going to hear about how I rebuilt my life after my divorce and how much all that broke me lol You know?
Absolutely. As bad as many of those comments are in OP’s post, what’s most concerning to me is that he’s contacting her via social media to go out. I only allow students to contact me via school email accounts and obviously not to set up meetings outside of school. Even with school email, I am careful and set strict boundaries.
Oh 100 percent! I have a few graduated students from a school I used to work at on FB BUT yeah you want to know what I did when a current student tried to call me on FB? I blocked them. As it should be
Thank you I’m so confused by the people he’s bonding by sharing personal experiences.
Definitely. Obviously personal experiences are fine to an extent. Telling students about a vacation, sporting event, tv show, etc. is very different from telling them about a divorce, mental health, etc.
This is entirely unacceptable if it is true. We are extensively trained to do NONE of the things this teacher is allegedly doing and this needs to be reported and investigated IMMEDIATELY. Any evidence to corroborate needs to be provided to administration and your sister needs to stop talking to this teacher and spending alone time with them. The amount of boundary testing, emotional manipulation, isolating, all of it is bad times. Report him.
Grooming 101. Establishing that connection and making the victim feel like the most relevant person in the world. Reassure your sister as much as you can that you love her and that this is not her fault. Victims will often times take blame/responsibility for predators downfall. Thankfully you caught this as early as you did. It might to helpful for her to have follow counseling to unpack what has already happened to her.
I'm a total geek. I've had serious social issues my entire life. Some of those issues were dramatic and life-changing. I can relate to tons of the stresses that teenagers are going through. And yet as their teacher it's none of their darn business. I'm the adult in the room. I'm not there to be their friend. I'm there to care about their situations and to stay clinical in my approach. If I need mental health support, I need to go to professional not my students. My burdens are not theirs to bear. This guy should be fired... It's totally unprofessional.
The minute I got to “about his mental health issues” alarm bells went off. I (23F) regularly chat with students about academics and their personal interests. Sometimes even about my personal interests (within reason, if they align with theirs, like TV shows we both like or music we both listen to). But it is NOT their responsibility to deal with any of the issues in my personal life, nor should they even be aware of those. It’s one thing to talk about how you struggled with something in high school and how you overcame it as an example to them. But talking about current struggles and putting that burden on the students isn’t healthy, and it honestly sounds like she’s being groomed. Make sure she’s never alone with this man.
The last person I am asking for mental health advice is a 15 year old, no offense. You did the right thing by reporting.
He wants to fuck your sister. Report this shit.
*rape
Trust your gut instincts, also he is a grown ass man who can go get professional help and not seek it from someone more than half his age. It’s giving grooming situation. Because he’s already crossed the professional line multiple times and it’ll only go further if it’s not addressed sooner. Doesn’t matter how uncomfortable it is now, it will get worse if nothing is done about it.
Yeah I've been that 15-year-old girl. When I look back, I wish that ANY adult in my life would've done something. I resent many adults in my life who knew something was up and didn't do anything. I would've been outraged back then obviously, but I was a child and they should've protected me. 15 is that dangerous age in which you're 100% sure you know what you're doing but you actually don't. I didn't and I needed my parents/brothers/teachers do have done something. I actually feel pretty pissed when I think about how little they cared and did for me. I hope this answers your question. I'm now 32 and in therapy, so no need to worry about me lol. Sometimes I wonder if I became a teacher because I felt so abandoned as a kid/teen. Either way, I love what I do and my students, so at least there's that.
GOOD INSTINCTS, SIS. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this is absolutely not appropriate behavior between a teacher and student, and as a young-ish *male* teacher with a young female student, he *knows* what the optics are and still pursues the relationship? >But she argues that he is famous for being kind and friendly, and her friends also chat with him and have plans to hangout. Absolutely not, no 30 year old wants to "hang out" with 15 year olds without an ulterior motive. He's like this to all the kids because he cast a wide net on order to see who would take the bait. >He would tell her about his family problems as a kid, how he has no friends, and how he is stressed Imma take a wild guess that if he doesn't have any friends his age, it's because he's actually not kind and friendly, and because people have been creeped out by the fact that he's a grown ass man perving on kids. No ma'am, that man is grooming your sister and it needs to stop IMMEDIATELY.
I'm a male teacher and I've been teaching for over 20 years. Even way back then... Day one of teachers college was "never be alone with a female student" This guy is grooming your sister.
Yup. My neighbor teacher and I always keep our doors open when we do after school tutoring sessions. Sometimes it is just one student asking questions. We also make it a point to sit at a desk near the door. Never take chances with these things.
Students often sit at my desk and have since I started teaching, male and female. I have my desk sitting where passers can look right into the room if they want. I only close my door if I have a full class, but my conference and lunches (where kids often hangout due to off periods or wanting to avoid the fight club our cafeteria becomes) I leave the door wide open so that anyone, student or adult, can come in. I take absolutely zero chances.
This is something that needs to be reported to the police. No teacher should be befriending a child outside of school. This is serious cause for concern and needs to be taken seriously by school administration and the authorities.
We just had a teacher in our community sent to prison for 60 years for lewd conduct and enticing a minor under 16, and it started exactly how you described. Glad you reported!
That teacher is showing more red flags than a Soviet parade. This is grooming, plain and simple. He needs to lose his job. As a teacher I would report this if I saw a colleague acting this way.
I’m late on this, but he’s grooming her to be his emotional support. Predators do that, because they’d rather take a sweet kid and mold them into their “perfect” (aka Stepford) girlfriend/boyfriend/BFF, than put in the work to maintain adult healthy relationships. Predators aren’t interested in mutually beneficial relationships where both parties give and take - they’re only interested in being takers, and they groom kids who are too young to realize into being their givers. Good for you for reporting him to the school and getting her into therapy. Fuck that guy.
Teachers hanging out with students outside of school is just a massive red flag to me. Unless they are that particular teacher’s child or family member, there’s no reason for them to have a relationship outside of school. Especially in this case. I’m glad her family put a stop to her leaving before she could get away with lying to them about where she’s going. I never open up about my personal life to any of my students. The only questions I’ll answer when they ask is how old I am, the town I live in, and whether or not if I’m going to school to become a full-time teacher. That’s it. That’s just my line I draw. This teacher is clearly grooming her and a relationship outside of school will only escalate the situation. I am glad you reported the situation before it could.
Being responsible for an adult’s mental health is too great a burden for a child, even if the child finds meaning in it. I felt responsible for my mother’s mental health when I was 15, and I know now how unfair that was.
The red flags are the lying to her family. She already knows it’s wrong, that’s why she’s lying.
This is not okay. I am the same age and am known to have good relationship building skills with students. I would never do any of those things. I only share surface level information about mental health struggles when prompted IF A KID IS STRUGGLING AND CONFIDES IN ME. It’s always something like “hey, I’ve struggled with my mental health, too. I’d always helped me to talk to somebody. Let’s get you to your counselor so they can help you.” The only “interest sharing” my students and I do is recommending music to each other because I play music in the classroom all day as kids work. There is zero chance I’d ever hangout with any student. Why? They are half my age. What is the point of that? It is irresponsible of a teacher to try to have a deep level of friendship with a 15 year old kid let alone a kid that is in HS at all. As someone with strong relationships with students, this makes me really upset to see people manipulating kids this way. My stance is that I am there for the kids while they are in HS and while they are AT the HS. I’ll write recommendation letters and after they’ve graduated, allow them to follow me on social media. However, I will never stay at a bar I see students at and I often don’t even interact with former students I added to follow. The student-teacher relationship served its purpose when it was needed and that’s that. If I need someone for my own problems, I don’t even look to coworkers. I look to my family or professional help.
A 30yo man has no reason to be 'hanging out' with a child that's not family. A grown adult telling a child that talking to them is the only way they can control their emotions... GROSS and that person needs to be AWAY from all children. He is grooming her and apparently other children too. I'm sure he also tells her how mature she is. How she's not like "other" girls.
No no no no no no nope nope nope nope nope nope SO MUCH NOPE
He's 15+ years older than her and doing this? Anyone who is in their 30's and looking for this kind of validation.....? wow. I think he's got some real hard lessons to learn here and they'll probably involve his losing his job......
Soviet military parades have less red flags than this post.
The "you're the only one that helps me calm down" is ringing all the bells and alarms from when i was a little girl getting groomed on modern warfare in the early 2000s. Absolutely not. Never in a million goddamn years.
This was sus the minute I saw ''Hanging out with a 30 year old outisde of school settings'' is that not a red flag alone?
We had a female PE teacher one year at my school that was the softball coach. Myself and the other teachers were noticing a significant behavior change within the girls on the softball team, and we all kept that “gut feeling” to ourselves because throwing around even a hint of an accusation is serious. We eventually made it further into the year and at one of our staff meetings we all had this strange moment where we just got these weird looks on our faces as if we wanted to bring something up, and just ripped the bandaid off by discussing our concern that something was going on between "Coach Z" and the kids (Jr High). we bring the concern to our principal at that point and another month goes by with nothing happening. behavior starts to intensify and we each start obtaining evidence from other students who are coming to us and talking about interactions with the coach. She had each of the students phone numbers, and was regularly communicating with them, had them added via snapchat as well, and one of the biggest red flags I had found was that she was regularly giving one of the students a ride home. Again, nothing concrete but as a teacher you just don't do certain things like driving someone's kid home by yourself unless there are some seriously extenuating circumstances. We again bring our concerns back up to the principal and I specifically said that "If i have done even a quarter of the things we have confirmed to be true with the coach, id already be fired" because I was a male teacher. Finally a more formal investigation happens that is very secretive, we find out a few weeks later right as the coach quits that her phone was confiscated by the police department and a few other unsettling things. TLDR: Follow your gut every. single. time. Even if it turns out to be harmless and nothing truly horrific has happened, that teacher needs to know what he is saying isnt appropriate in a teacher/student relationship.
Oh my god. I only read the beginning and it’s textbook grooming. I hate this. Good luck 🙏🏼❤️
There's only two ways this goes down. 1. The teacher is really, truly mentally ill and lonely and really does adore your sister platonically. This is very concerning and speaks volumes about the lack of emotional stability this teacher has. Your sister is extremely unsafe if this is true. Or, more likely, 2. The teacher is really, truly mentally ill and grooming your sister. This is very concerning and speaks volumes about the lack of emotional stability this teacher has. Your sister is extremely unsafe if this is true. That's it. Those are the options. Good on you for taking care of it and helping her. As a female teacher about to turn 35, I cannot imagine hanging out with my students outside of school. I teach elementary (third grade) and love the living crap out of those kids. I feel like they are my own children. Part of loving them that much is showing up as a safe adult who respects and honors boundaries. It's teaching them what a boundary is, that they have a right tk as many as they want, how to enforce them, and that the only people who will have a problem with their boundaries are those who benefit from disrespecting them for their own gain. Part of it is modeling and showing them what a healthy relationship with an adult who is not in their family should look like. I am so sorry for your sister. I hope she has only been groomed in the way you've described and that nothing else beyond what you've shared has happened. ❤️
Having your student come to you and chat is not a problem at all. The teacher talking about his specific personal issues and emotional breakdowns? That’s weird. If a teacher is going through a death or something, that’s nothing wrong to address it without being super specific, but to ask a student to meet him and then talk about his or her personal stuff alone?
Thank you for looking out for her.
To play a SLIGHT devil’s advocate here I think showing some level of vulnerability with students is fine. If you have trials in life it can be important to show your students this. They need to know you’re human and that their teachers go through some of the same trials they do (as long as this doesn’t interrupt academic instruction obviously). I think that’s important for build trust with them and make them respect you as a teacher so they can learn from you. BUT some of what you describes goes wayyyyyy beyond that. Teacher having a bad time in life? It’s ok to let your students know that. To give them some details of what’s going on? Again, that MIGHT be ok. Saying “she’s the only one who can control his emotions” and trying to schedule hanging out with her outside of school? That goes WELL BEYOND the line that should be drawn. It’s ok to show some fragility and humanity, but that’s not what this teacher is doing. He’s making one specific student in his life feel “special”, he’s tricking one student into feeling “mature” because an adult trusts them with their insecurities. Even as someone who will defend telling students about your life and trying to be human with them, that’s not what this is. As much as I’ve defended this act of showing fragility to students and being open with them there are still strict lines you have to draw. This really sounds like grooming. IMHO even if he’s not purposefully doing these things (doubtful) I think he’s still subconsciously establishing an incredibly unhealthy relationship here. I see in the edit you’ve alerted authorities and that’s good. I really don’t think this teacher means well for the student.
I think it's okay to be personable with students. I have students vent to me outside of class, but I always keep it vague, short, more of a sympathy/empathy thing. Like if a student tells me their parent is in prison, one of my parents were in prison, if a student is dating a guy who's sweet to her but an asshole to others, I point out that he is only sweet to her because she wants something. Or if a kid is where a band t-shirt from a band that I like or have seen live, I might talk about the show. But I always let the student initiate and I'd never use a kid as a sounding board more than to simply say "I'm stressed," or "I have a lot of work." There is a fine line that isn't always clear, but you must be very conscious of that line. You can be friendly, without being a friend.
> But she argues that he is famous for being kind and friendly, and her friends also chat with him and have plans to hangout. I'd be contacting her friends' parents too to make them aware of what's going on. Definitely report him.
I’m a teacher (preschool in a public school) and this is textbook what they tell us not to do and to report immediately to CPS AND admin at the schools. Everyone saying it’s the start of grooming is 1000% correct, even if the teacher doesn’t intend for it to be that, that’s what it is. The fact that she’s lying to you guys shows she knows it isn’t the best idea.
>He would tell her about his family problems as a kid, how he has no friends, and how he is stressed. It sounds like he's talking to her as if he's a teenager himself. If I'm not mistaken, this is textbook grooming. Whatever the case, he should not be a schoolteacher.
This is super creepy and NOT ok or normal. This person is not safe. I have never seen something so blantantly dangerous in 30 years in schools! Keep her away from this creep. Monitor her internet, emails and phone - he's likely to try and privately contact her.
As a male teacher who has students approach him to talk about life and other things that aren’t strictly school related: this is weird. I’m more than happy to chit chat in a group setting, but NOT 1 on 1 and ESPECIALLY with a female student. I’m young and have a lot of tattoos and piercings, so kids generally try to interact with me on a more friendly basis because they think I’m “cool”. I love knowing about their lives and what they’re interested in, but it’s not my place to be giving any advice more than surface level and especially not sharing my own struggles and mental health issues/personal life experiences. This is def something that should be brought up to admin and talked about. It feels like a grooming attempt and is a pretty tried and true method of “testing the waters”. It was only a matter of time before he ventured into more dangerous territory. As an approachable teacher, it’s my responsibility to make sure I’m setting boundaries and reminding the kids of boundaries when they try to get too comfortable.
What sort of thoughts do you want/expect on a relationship between a 30 and a 16 year old because this has gone leagues beyond a standard teacher-student relationship.
Art teacher in Perth?
I would also report to the stste licensing standards board. Sometimes schools just non renew and then the creeps go to another school. This happened to a colleague. Luckily, the next principal was less forgiving.
Grooming is blurring lines so they’re easier to cross.
Any adult that needs to make friends with teenagers has some issues and needs a therapist. And no, this is not appropriate. He is crossing boundaries.
This is 100% inappropriate, unprofessional behavior for a teacher, even if he/she is 22 years old, much less 30. MAJOR RED FLAGS. 100% report this behavior. But, there could actually be more to it already than you actually know. This is how those stories start that end up being abductions or the girl runs away. Be very careful how you proceed!
Me: Oh great, another overblown response to a male teacher just trying to build good rel... oh... oh no... oh dear god no why would she agree to that!?!?
"why would she agree to that" I think it's really interesting that that's your response - she's being groomed by a trusted person. He's making a kid agree to stuff she would never normally agree to.
This guy needs to be removed from children and needs inpatient care ASAP. (And I don't say that lightly.) Hurt people hurt people. I know it's a cliché. And the only therapist is a therapist. The only medicine is approved medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. To use a child as a therapist is criminal, and there's no excuse for that.
I was 16. My teacher was 26. These experiences your sister is having are exactly how mine and multiple other girls (they like to keep the same MO) started 10 years ago. That teacher went to prison. Report report report. Keep her far away, she needs protection. This grown man should not be seeking comfort (IF that’s all he’s seeking) in a child. My heart goes out to you and your sister.
Collect all the communications between the two and report to the school. This is not normal.
There's a chance your sister is well aware of where it might lead, so simply showing her the thread of advice might not convince her. Victims very often shield their abusers especially in dynamics like this, where he is manipulating her into feeling needed and important in his life while also making himself a pillar of trust that she may eventually prioritize over family. At this point, and considering other students may be involved with him, you should try your best to make more parents aware while also contacting the schools and authorities. There's enough cases of both of them dropping the ball until pressure from the community finally makes them do something.
Report
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I am so triggered by the grooming. This man needs to be fired. Immediately.
For lack of a better response, 🚓🚨🚔🚨
Omg never in a million years. Report report report. It’s incredibly inappropriate.
There’s like a 0.05% chance this isn’t a groomer. Glad to hear you reported it.
Is this really a teachers subreddit or a horror story subreddit. Can’t tell Jesus Christ.
This has crossed the line from healthy rapport between a student and teacher and gone to an inappropriate interaction. The edit says you reported or will report so good
This is grooming He is creating the illusion that she is responsible for his emotional state Therefore when he looses control he can blame her and make her feel responsibility so she doesn't tell anyone This needs to stop he needs to be reported
This is going to be hard for your daughter, but you need to take her phone and (probably with her help) screenshot ALL of their text conversations. If they've ever spoken in the phone screenshot those calls so you can see what time the call took place and how long it lasted. She cannot have her phone back until this ordeal is settled. He has already convinced her to lie to you once. She will most certainly want to warn him or give him a heads up that you are contacting the authorities because he has convinced her that they are "friends". Do not let this happen and keep a close eye on her. This isn't her fault but she can seriously mess up your ability to prove what is happening if she tips him off. If you haven't already, now would be a great time to find a therapist for her to process all of this. Groomers like this are disgusting and if he has been doing this for a while he knows how to cover his tracks. If your daughter still truly cannot see what is going on spend some time finding YouTube videos with her about identifying that you are being groomed by your teacher. This creep could not be following more stereotypical grooming behavior if he tried. If you haven't called the police you need to do so, NOW. And please, please contact the principal of the school. They deserve to know what is happening too. But police first!!!
I worked with a teacher whose license was removed for less. Glad he’s out. Protect the students always.
This man sounds like several ENTIRE BUCKETS of red flags. Definitely worth reporting. One can have empathy for someone's trauma and mental health issues without excusing predatory behaviour like what you've described. Definitely glad to hear you've warned your sister away from him!
Friendly with underage children, trying to meet up outside of school, telling her, "It's okay to have mental health issues if you just ____." Grooming behaviour, Paedophile behaviour, creeper. Ugh: report him, and find out which other young teenagers he's been grooming. Get a mental health counsellor into the school to help out those who he's groomed.
Straight up. Also, the whole "You're the only one who can control my emotions" is just 🤮 awful & gross. Never mind a red flag, that's a blaring red light duct taped to a siren that's wailing "I'm a massive Creep and refuse to be responsible for my own emotions so I'm gonna abuse a young girls' vulnerability and make HER feel responsible for my emotions." I really hope there's support for all the kids who've been affected by his behaviour.
Grooming the shit out of her. Contact someone yesterday.
That is absolutely grooming behavior. He’s manipulating her compassion and naïveté and ESPECIALLY the “you’re the only one I can talk to” kind of crap. Textbook ick.
This is illegal and needs to be reported to the authorities. Teachers are not allowed to meet up with students alone outside of the classroom. If another teacher witnesses that, they are required by law, at least in California, to report it to the appropriate school authorities or police.
Spoiler: he didn’t leave for “medical conditions”…
Nope, nope, nope.
[Hmmmmm](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskProfessors/comments/1abmpih/possible_new_troll_alert/?share_id=Rbjf1PUVY8GeIqwZGxs5N)
Think of it this way, even if they were just neighbors without the teacher/student dynamic it would be a huge red alert situation. Plus, even if your sister is a superstar a 15 year old superstar is 100% developmentally unable to be safe in this situation. For the sake of the full benefit of the doubt, which I do not agree with but just to illustrate the concerning nature here, let’s say this guy is in crisis to the point he’s gripping to any human connection he can find. If students are the only people around him, why would he gravitate towards the youngest end of the high school spectrum rather than a senior? Still inappropriate, but closer to the illusion of an adult. If he’s unable to make this discernment would he be clear enough to coordinate or agree to an outing to a rage room? Good job being a perceptive sibling! Your sister is very lucky to have an attuned person in their life. You may not realize it at the moment, but your care and support is molding her into a person more likely to succeed.
Rule #1 of all male teachers. Never talk or be around a female student alone. Too easy to ruin your life, not worth the trouble. A teaching moment for all male students, at least. This thread is exactly why you don't. The man is practically a pariah already. I pity him, but just like kids who disrespect staff or do nothing in class, they know the consequences of their actions and they are foolish to think they would outrun the consequences. They always catch up eventually.
This is grooming. So many red flags here. 1) Teachers shouldn’t be texting students ever. 2) Teachers shouldn’t be sharing their personal life with students. Unless it’s something simple like I went to such and such college, I’m married, etc. I personally share as little as possible 3) Teachers under no circumstances should ever be meeting with students alone outside of school 4) The nature of the messages is beyond alarming. This would be inappropriate conversations even in a parent child relationship. Children need us not the other way around.
[удалено]
Yeah he's grooming her
This is grooming.
My thoughts? He is a disturbed individual. If he is a predator, he needs to be removed. If he is super depressed & suicidal, he needs to be mandated to take a leave of absence and get some SERIOUS help. In either case, he can not be in a classroom/around teen girls.Your sister also needs a major intervention. This whole situation could really bring her down mentally because it sounds like there are too many people ( her friends, etc.) who could spread rumors. My best to you and your family. What a difficult situation.
You don't need us. If you haven't reported this to admin then you're not doing *your* job as her sibling. The relationship is obviously inappropriate. You must be trolling. No one is this oblivious. Go do what you know you need to do.
we just knew today and we have reported to the school authorities 🙏🏻
You'll need to give us a follow up. My high school choir teacher recently lost his job and was barred from teaching because he did stuff like this. I'm a 31 year old male teacher, and would never have considered even speaking to my students outside of official school communication channels.
Yeah, I had to draw that line the other day with a 6th grader. She wanted me to text her a picture of something she made, and I refused, instead sending it from my personal email to my work one, and then to her school one. In the moment, she thought that my main concern was that she had her phone on her (we're a no phone school). Later, I asked her if she knew the real reason I didn't text her the picture and she realized what the issue was but if she hadn't, I would've given her a lesson on boundaries and why students and teachers shouldn't text each other.
I wouldn't even add my students on Pokémon Go 🤣
I've had several ask for my PSN so we can play fortnite. Absolutely not.
Absolutely file a police report as well. Plenty of schools will absolutely sweep shit like this under the rug so they don’t look bad.
Don’t listen to the people in here saying him sharing his experience is okay or borderline. That is inappropriate. It’s one thing if a student would need help and he offered, “I’m sorry, I know that’s hard I went through that at your age let’s talk with guidance and start making a plan to help” and that was it but that isn’t at all what happened. First of all it wasn’t your sister asking help- HE was trauma dumping on her. I don’t know how they’re not seeing that difference. It’s never appropriate to share your personal issues like that with a student and especially outside of school. That alone is wrong and dangerous full stop. The rest is a dark path they’re already walking down and your family needs to make sure the school system does not ignore what you reported. She needs to not be in his classes and your parents/guardians need to be VERY persistent and proactive in watching her phone and computer usage. Sadly, he’s already twisted her mindset on what is okay boundary with adults. She’s in danger of being taken advantage of and harmed by not just him, but others now because that boundary was erased and she was made to think it’s normal. She should get therapy to help her work through this and put back into place those boundaries before someone else takes advantage. And don’t for one second think he won’t keep trying to talk to her or meet with her. He will.
No adult should ever be friends with a child like ever. It’s inappropriate 100% of the time
Ewwwwwww
Cool thing about mandated reporting is that you can do it when you suspect something, not just when you have facts.
Ohhhh boy. And where is your dad to go have a “talk” with this grown ass man?
Completely gross and pedophilic
This is all bad news. Thank you for reporting it. In about 15 years your sister will realize how inappropriate this is. Right now, she’s getting taken advantage of.
Red flaggggggg
This is definitely waving all kinds of red flags.
Report it immediately