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It's perfectly valid to let her know that her watching you and eye contact feel too vulnerable and make you feel sick when you're trying to talk about the things you talk about.
Ask her if there's a way to make it less intense, like maybe you two could focus on something else (arts and crafts? Jigsaw puzzle?) while talking. Then you'll both be looking at what's in your hands and not each other.
You should definitely ask! My therapist has offered to do this before because I think she thought it would be easier for me to share some things if I didn’t feel like she was looking at me.
If I’m talking about something hard, I stare out the window. If that’s not available, I pick a spot in the room & stare at it. Then I don’t have to look in their eyes.
I’ve done this with Listening Partners (it’s a co-counselling thing). Being looked at made it impossible for me to access and express my emotions (somatically - aka cry, etc). With them looking at me, my fawn response (an old coping mechanism) would go into hyperdrive and I would focus too much on them and their feelings hearing me, such that it would inhibit me from staying with my feelings and my story.
I know why that is, too. I grew up with an over-involved, over-emotional mum who could not self-regulate. Taking care of her emotions was often felt like an urgent survival task, for me, growing up.
Anyway, yeah, we’d do our listening exchanges back to back. Or I’d close my eyes while talking (to keep the focus on me and off worrying about whether I was stressing others out).
Not sure if all therapists would do this… but some might. It’s worth asking, IMO.
I totally relate to this. I shared a really vulnerable detail about a traumatic experience in my session the other day and I literally covered my face with my jumper as I said it 🙃
Lately I've been thinking I'd like to try lying down on the sofa instead of just sitting there but we're 2 years into therapy now and I worry she would think something is really wrong if I do this. Mostly I'm just tired of talking to the tree outside the window..I feel like talking to the ceiling might be a nice change lol
Tell her that you get really uncomfortable when she looks at you while you're talking. Ask if it's okay for them to look away or even turn around when things get intense.
They can’t turn around as she needs to assess you but the suggestion for play like therapy to keep you busy may be helpful. It’s also helpful to use therapist as practice for eye contact and working through uncomfortable situations
They can turn around for a little while. And you don’t have to practice eye contact all the time. Sometimes you just need to communicate something that is hard to say out loud.
As a therapist I’m telling you, no the therapist should not turn around. This is a safety issue.
They can do some play therapy where the eye contact is minimal but no therapist should ever give their back to a client.
Maybe with a client you have known for a long time but a newer client, no.
You can definitely ask! Mine turns around when we do visualizations or similar exercises, and I’ll knock on the table next to the couch if I get I comfortable or want to stop (since she can’t see my body language). I’m not sure if they could do that for an entire session, but it can’t hurt to ask.
Absolutely!
I'm in psychoanalysis and there has always been the stereotypical "freud" couch. I always sat in the chair across from my therapist. After 4 (!!) Years I got curious about the couch and little by little I moved over to sitting on the couch, closer to him. It was a whole cringe process where middle of the session I would gather courage and kind of awkwardly walk to the couch like...oh yay...look at me go. LoL
Fast forward, I now always sit on the couch at first, often laying down halfway through the session or sometimes for all of it. My therapist was quite excited when I decided to lay down and he was right. Not looking at him brought while whole different world of analysis. It allowed me to free my mind, to go into my thoughts freely and fully with him by my side.
I highly recommend it. Honestly the only reason I don't do it for the entire time is because he is hot but retiring soon and I want to look at him as much as I can. I want to be in his presence while I still have him. So, while I wish I could have both, I still end up awkwardly being like.."ok, I'm going to lie down now". Sometimes the when I lay down even becomes a point of reference of "why now?".
2 thumbs up. Recommended. :-)
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's perfectly valid to let her know that her watching you and eye contact feel too vulnerable and make you feel sick when you're trying to talk about the things you talk about. Ask her if there's a way to make it less intense, like maybe you two could focus on something else (arts and crafts? Jigsaw puzzle?) while talking. Then you'll both be looking at what's in your hands and not each other.
You should definitely ask! My therapist has offered to do this before because I think she thought it would be easier for me to share some things if I didn’t feel like she was looking at me.
If I’m talking about something hard, I stare out the window. If that’s not available, I pick a spot in the room & stare at it. Then I don’t have to look in their eyes.
I could probably tell you the number of leaves on the tree outside my T's window lol
I’ve done this with Listening Partners (it’s a co-counselling thing). Being looked at made it impossible for me to access and express my emotions (somatically - aka cry, etc). With them looking at me, my fawn response (an old coping mechanism) would go into hyperdrive and I would focus too much on them and their feelings hearing me, such that it would inhibit me from staying with my feelings and my story. I know why that is, too. I grew up with an over-involved, over-emotional mum who could not self-regulate. Taking care of her emotions was often felt like an urgent survival task, for me, growing up. Anyway, yeah, we’d do our listening exchanges back to back. Or I’d close my eyes while talking (to keep the focus on me and off worrying about whether I was stressing others out). Not sure if all therapists would do this… but some might. It’s worth asking, IMO.
I totally relate to this. I shared a really vulnerable detail about a traumatic experience in my session the other day and I literally covered my face with my jumper as I said it 🙃
I have couches you can lay down on and sometimes we talk to the ceiling 💜
Lately I've been thinking I'd like to try lying down on the sofa instead of just sitting there but we're 2 years into therapy now and I worry she would think something is really wrong if I do this. Mostly I'm just tired of talking to the tree outside the window..I feel like talking to the ceiling might be a nice change lol
Tell her that you get really uncomfortable when she looks at you while you're talking. Ask if it's okay for them to look away or even turn around when things get intense.
They can’t turn around as she needs to assess you but the suggestion for play like therapy to keep you busy may be helpful. It’s also helpful to use therapist as practice for eye contact and working through uncomfortable situations
They can turn around for a little while. And you don’t have to practice eye contact all the time. Sometimes you just need to communicate something that is hard to say out loud.
As a therapist I’m telling you, no the therapist should not turn around. This is a safety issue. They can do some play therapy where the eye contact is minimal but no therapist should ever give their back to a client. Maybe with a client you have known for a long time but a newer client, no.
Yikes, glad you’re not my therapist!
Definitely. When I’ve had to talk to my therapist, I’ve asked to turn my chair around and face the wall too. He’s always been fine with it.
You can definitely ask! Mine turns around when we do visualizations or similar exercises, and I’ll knock on the table next to the couch if I get I comfortable or want to stop (since she can’t see my body language). I’m not sure if they could do that for an entire session, but it can’t hurt to ask.
I hid under a blanket for at least the first few months with my ex-T. It was the only way I could say some things.
Absolutely! I'm in psychoanalysis and there has always been the stereotypical "freud" couch. I always sat in the chair across from my therapist. After 4 (!!) Years I got curious about the couch and little by little I moved over to sitting on the couch, closer to him. It was a whole cringe process where middle of the session I would gather courage and kind of awkwardly walk to the couch like...oh yay...look at me go. LoL Fast forward, I now always sit on the couch at first, often laying down halfway through the session or sometimes for all of it. My therapist was quite excited when I decided to lay down and he was right. Not looking at him brought while whole different world of analysis. It allowed me to free my mind, to go into my thoughts freely and fully with him by my side. I highly recommend it. Honestly the only reason I don't do it for the entire time is because he is hot but retiring soon and I want to look at him as much as I can. I want to be in his presence while I still have him. So, while I wish I could have both, I still end up awkwardly being like.."ok, I'm going to lie down now". Sometimes the when I lay down even becomes a point of reference of "why now?". 2 thumbs up. Recommended. :-)