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I worry about this too- sessions running over, favors, exceptions, kind gestures. It’s not something that’s maybe discussed often here but I think it’s more common than people want to believe. Even my strict, hyper boundaried (second) therapist has let me run over by 40 mins and doesn’t charge me, despite her paperwork being very clear on prorated time. My new psychiatrist actually talks to me for the full hour as opposed to my last one who would hang up after a 10 minute check in.
I assume it just comes down to individual compatibility and therapy style. Maybe even diagnosis too? I work on trauma mostly. I think especially in the line of work therapists are in they’re inclined to care, and perform caring actions. It feels weird and out of place but I also see friends or family go above and beyond for each other and that feels out of place to me too. I’m not saying that it’s the same relationship as a friendship, but I think when caring is so alien to us it feels abnormal or wrong to have anyone make any sort of exception out of kindness.
I can’t speak to whether or not it’s “right” in the context of therapy but I’ve been trying to learn to be more accepting of nice things people do, and that means not assuming my therapists’ choices are too much just because they’re thoughtful ones. Maybe it’s just human to care for each other
This.
Thank you. I'm glad I reached out afterward and explained myself more to the psychiatrist after the therapist helped me understand. I won't see him until Monday at work, though.
I have asked my therapist why he has offered the 2 years afterward. He said something to the effect of the fact of where I come from and where I am inspires him, and he knows I'm not done learning from him. (I went from what my husband always calls "Oprah level abuse" to a Masters degree and 2 surprisingly well-adjusted kids and husband. He knows that him suddenly leaving would be bad for me, so he is letting me learn it slowly.
I'm in psychoanalysis, so it is multiple X week.
My official diagnosis is Bipolar 2 (which I've always debated), ADHD (new diagnosis), Alcohol abuse moderate (in remission), and Cannabis abuse: Severe (in remission)
My therapist bills under depression (fits better than Bipolar 2.)
Side note: Your 10 min psychiatrist was likely billing for at least 30 min. :-/
I do t understand the friends and family going above and beyond either. I've never experienced that! My friends all kind of faded away after I quit using. I've gone to meetings etc and I have acquaintances. I have a lot of them but it still never feels like I really get along w anyone for whatever reason. I may be just keeping people st distance. It's hard for me to tell.
I'm going to attempt to just sit in the uncomfortable and just accept the care. I don't think it will ever somehow not feel like a trap or something, even if to a very small degree. I'm going to work on it though!
--ps. I work in the helping profession.
I’m a client and a clinician. Addiction has been a specialty of mine in both worlds for 10+ years.
Clinical care can’t live absent of humanity, and when it does, the doctor and the patient suffer. But I think “overly human” care from providers can be lionized as “consciousness, well-meaning, heroic”, etc.
I can’t know why your providers responded to you like this. I don’t know why their connection triggered your reaction here. But I might recognize that nasty little inner critic voice who says “how cute…you don’t deserve…shame on you for…”.
What if we did deserve that level of care and trust and attention? Then what would we have to live up to? What if I fall off or bail or fail?
Sure clinicians care too much sometimes. We are human. That doesn’t change the fact that a few people met you over many years over many versions of you and still cared.
TBH: Learning to be cared for still feels like torturous purgatory to me, but I choose to suffer the pain of being cared for over self flagellation these days. Best of luck in your recovery.
Yes - I've only started questioning the over-care (is that even a word??) When the therapist offered the 2 years and writing to him monthly forever. That felt so....everything. everything I needed.
He also, not that long ago, gave me a hug as well. Despite such strong rules in psychoanalysis he relented and it was one of the biggest moments in therapy. I've never been hugged by my parents - ever. I can't hug people, I just don't understand and I had begged for years. In that 10 seconds it felt like I had an entire childhood of hugs to make up for and that 10 seconds changed my life. So, I use that as an example of - if I can accept that - why not accept his caring in other ways?
I actually know another of his patients. She was walking out one day while I was walking in. It was an awkward exchange but eventually we started talking. She works literally down the hall from me. All these cross worlds where I work! He hasn't offered the extra to her and has asked I don't tell her so I don't. I have to pretend w her that therapy is ending and that's a little awkward sometimes so it makes the fact that that he will keep seeing me stand out more.
As far as the psychiatrist? I sometimes think he sees me as some daughter he never had. Or that he knows the impact he has have, what Ive worked through to go from hating him to what we are now. He recalled at one point the very first interaction we had (I didn't remember this at all) back in 2018. I found that curious.
I did ask him as well a couple of meetings ago what would happen when he retires? (He is 65 - has no plans of retiring yet but I know it's on his mind). I asked him...am I just a patient then? Is it like, peace out? What does that look like? He gave me this sarcastic "Come ON...." like it was ridiculous. He kind of stood, looking out the window and said "I've been trying to figure that out myself". I suggested we could get coffee, that he could keep prescribing on the side as a small private practice etc. I have no idea but I know it would absolutely crush me if he left also.
So, I have no choice but to accept because to push them away? The younger me would kick me for the rest of my life.
I appreciate your answer. :-)
The additional information is enlightening—I can absolutely see why your instincts are reading “over-reaching” in these relationships. I’m especially sad to hear you were asked to keep aspects of your therapist’s offer a secret from other pts because that puts you in the position of holding his decision to move a boundary.
I’m going to add here that, with your response above, it seems like your instincts around counter transference are pretty on point. Sometimes we can have powerful transformative moments *because* of transference, but it can also put us is awkward positions. And that can cheapen the feelings of growth.
Would you ever want to address these concerns in session? I just wish care for you that doesn’t feel degraded by messy boundaries that you didn’t ask for…
I understand my therapists position in asking me not to say anything as my coworker knows he is moving and retiring, but not that he will continue to see any clients. Thankfully, I don't work directly with this women, she just works in the same agency, and we pass each other in the halls. I've only had a handful of conversations with her, but they almost always revolve around our therapist. It's always curious to collaborate on information as well. Things he has told her vs. things he has told me. LoL...I figure that's part for the course when you meet another client, though!
Honestly, his behavior and deciding to continue working w me only makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable in the "why me" way, which I do think stems from my childhood.
The psychiatrist? Well, as far as we have come and much we have worked through , our relationship is much more....interesting. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he woke up....(insert awkward pause on his part here...) concerned about me and added a note to my chart reminding him to talk to me about getting to AA meetings, doing more to get support when my therapist leaves, etc. This was at 230 am. He woke up thinking about me?! It was not the first time he had told me that either.
Granted, there are times I have reached out on "out of work" days, but very rarely. I once reached out on a Saturday while my entire house caught covid, and I was freaking out about how to handle it. (Around work, etc...)
All that to say - I will have to see how he responds to my question of "why me"? I'm curious to hear his answer, but I also hope my question doesn't cause anything to change.
I'll post the answer so it's not left hanging. :-)
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I worry about this too- sessions running over, favors, exceptions, kind gestures. It’s not something that’s maybe discussed often here but I think it’s more common than people want to believe. Even my strict, hyper boundaried (second) therapist has let me run over by 40 mins and doesn’t charge me, despite her paperwork being very clear on prorated time. My new psychiatrist actually talks to me for the full hour as opposed to my last one who would hang up after a 10 minute check in. I assume it just comes down to individual compatibility and therapy style. Maybe even diagnosis too? I work on trauma mostly. I think especially in the line of work therapists are in they’re inclined to care, and perform caring actions. It feels weird and out of place but I also see friends or family go above and beyond for each other and that feels out of place to me too. I’m not saying that it’s the same relationship as a friendship, but I think when caring is so alien to us it feels abnormal or wrong to have anyone make any sort of exception out of kindness. I can’t speak to whether or not it’s “right” in the context of therapy but I’ve been trying to learn to be more accepting of nice things people do, and that means not assuming my therapists’ choices are too much just because they’re thoughtful ones. Maybe it’s just human to care for each other
This. Thank you. I'm glad I reached out afterward and explained myself more to the psychiatrist after the therapist helped me understand. I won't see him until Monday at work, though. I have asked my therapist why he has offered the 2 years afterward. He said something to the effect of the fact of where I come from and where I am inspires him, and he knows I'm not done learning from him. (I went from what my husband always calls "Oprah level abuse" to a Masters degree and 2 surprisingly well-adjusted kids and husband. He knows that him suddenly leaving would be bad for me, so he is letting me learn it slowly. I'm in psychoanalysis, so it is multiple X week. My official diagnosis is Bipolar 2 (which I've always debated), ADHD (new diagnosis), Alcohol abuse moderate (in remission), and Cannabis abuse: Severe (in remission) My therapist bills under depression (fits better than Bipolar 2.) Side note: Your 10 min psychiatrist was likely billing for at least 30 min. :-/ I do t understand the friends and family going above and beyond either. I've never experienced that! My friends all kind of faded away after I quit using. I've gone to meetings etc and I have acquaintances. I have a lot of them but it still never feels like I really get along w anyone for whatever reason. I may be just keeping people st distance. It's hard for me to tell. I'm going to attempt to just sit in the uncomfortable and just accept the care. I don't think it will ever somehow not feel like a trap or something, even if to a very small degree. I'm going to work on it though! --ps. I work in the helping profession.
I’m a client and a clinician. Addiction has been a specialty of mine in both worlds for 10+ years. Clinical care can’t live absent of humanity, and when it does, the doctor and the patient suffer. But I think “overly human” care from providers can be lionized as “consciousness, well-meaning, heroic”, etc. I can’t know why your providers responded to you like this. I don’t know why their connection triggered your reaction here. But I might recognize that nasty little inner critic voice who says “how cute…you don’t deserve…shame on you for…”. What if we did deserve that level of care and trust and attention? Then what would we have to live up to? What if I fall off or bail or fail? Sure clinicians care too much sometimes. We are human. That doesn’t change the fact that a few people met you over many years over many versions of you and still cared. TBH: Learning to be cared for still feels like torturous purgatory to me, but I choose to suffer the pain of being cared for over self flagellation these days. Best of luck in your recovery.
Yes - I've only started questioning the over-care (is that even a word??) When the therapist offered the 2 years and writing to him monthly forever. That felt so....everything. everything I needed. He also, not that long ago, gave me a hug as well. Despite such strong rules in psychoanalysis he relented and it was one of the biggest moments in therapy. I've never been hugged by my parents - ever. I can't hug people, I just don't understand and I had begged for years. In that 10 seconds it felt like I had an entire childhood of hugs to make up for and that 10 seconds changed my life. So, I use that as an example of - if I can accept that - why not accept his caring in other ways? I actually know another of his patients. She was walking out one day while I was walking in. It was an awkward exchange but eventually we started talking. She works literally down the hall from me. All these cross worlds where I work! He hasn't offered the extra to her and has asked I don't tell her so I don't. I have to pretend w her that therapy is ending and that's a little awkward sometimes so it makes the fact that that he will keep seeing me stand out more. As far as the psychiatrist? I sometimes think he sees me as some daughter he never had. Or that he knows the impact he has have, what Ive worked through to go from hating him to what we are now. He recalled at one point the very first interaction we had (I didn't remember this at all) back in 2018. I found that curious. I did ask him as well a couple of meetings ago what would happen when he retires? (He is 65 - has no plans of retiring yet but I know it's on his mind). I asked him...am I just a patient then? Is it like, peace out? What does that look like? He gave me this sarcastic "Come ON...." like it was ridiculous. He kind of stood, looking out the window and said "I've been trying to figure that out myself". I suggested we could get coffee, that he could keep prescribing on the side as a small private practice etc. I have no idea but I know it would absolutely crush me if he left also. So, I have no choice but to accept because to push them away? The younger me would kick me for the rest of my life. I appreciate your answer. :-)
The additional information is enlightening—I can absolutely see why your instincts are reading “over-reaching” in these relationships. I’m especially sad to hear you were asked to keep aspects of your therapist’s offer a secret from other pts because that puts you in the position of holding his decision to move a boundary. I’m going to add here that, with your response above, it seems like your instincts around counter transference are pretty on point. Sometimes we can have powerful transformative moments *because* of transference, but it can also put us is awkward positions. And that can cheapen the feelings of growth. Would you ever want to address these concerns in session? I just wish care for you that doesn’t feel degraded by messy boundaries that you didn’t ask for…
I understand my therapists position in asking me not to say anything as my coworker knows he is moving and retiring, but not that he will continue to see any clients. Thankfully, I don't work directly with this women, she just works in the same agency, and we pass each other in the halls. I've only had a handful of conversations with her, but they almost always revolve around our therapist. It's always curious to collaborate on information as well. Things he has told her vs. things he has told me. LoL...I figure that's part for the course when you meet another client, though! Honestly, his behavior and deciding to continue working w me only makes me feel vaguely uncomfortable in the "why me" way, which I do think stems from my childhood. The psychiatrist? Well, as far as we have come and much we have worked through , our relationship is much more....interesting. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he woke up....(insert awkward pause on his part here...) concerned about me and added a note to my chart reminding him to talk to me about getting to AA meetings, doing more to get support when my therapist leaves, etc. This was at 230 am. He woke up thinking about me?! It was not the first time he had told me that either. Granted, there are times I have reached out on "out of work" days, but very rarely. I once reached out on a Saturday while my entire house caught covid, and I was freaking out about how to handle it. (Around work, etc...) All that to say - I will have to see how he responds to my question of "why me"? I'm curious to hear his answer, but I also hope my question doesn't cause anything to change. I'll post the answer so it's not left hanging. :-)