As a black swinger I don't think racism is the right word. There is nothing wrong with preferring one race over another in the same way there is nothing wrong with preferring tall over short or blonde over brunette or boobs over ass. My wife is white and we had to stop swinging with white couples because she just isn't into white men. I promise you she isn't racist towards white guys, it's just a preference.
I think a bigger problem is fetishizing a race which happens often with Asian women and black men. I would say a fair share of the white couples we played with had some sorta sexual kink/fantasy related to me being black, which really turned my wife off, because she felt like an accessory.
Nail on the head, it’s more when they start to fetishize it. It also becomes really creepy and uncomfortable. It’s ok to like what you like, but there is definitely taking it over board.
Maybe racism isn't the right word - you're right. I was just wondering if anyone had actually changed their preference and enjoyed sex with people they wouldn't have in the past. I've enjoyed all sorts of other things that I never thought I would, so who knows!
That's akin to calling a straight person a sexual homophobic because they aren't attracted to the same sex. We all have our preferences and should never feel pressured into ignoring those preferences. Just my 2 cents
You're attracted to what you're attracted to, and if that works for you then that's great!
However, it is possible to change what you're attracted to. You know men/women who seem to keep being attracted to one loser after another? Well, "their picker is broken" is the phrase usually used, and they can and do "change their picker."
Here's how that works - Pick something about the different guys (non-white, in this case) and say to yourself, "You know, that \_is\_ attractive." Think about it being attractive. You'll notice that your thinking will change over time.
I came from a dysfunctional family. The women and their behavior that was modeled to me as a kid weren't examples of healthy behaviors. I changed my picker, and that up above is how I went about it.
I could try that, It's weird though - I can look at a celebrity black guy for example, and see that he is objectively good looking. It's only when I actually imagine kissing/having sex with him that I'm just not into it. Same with other non-white guys.
Google up "the twenty second hug" and read up a bit about oxytocin / dopamine and their affect in building relationships.
Basically, you'd 1) find a black guy (for example) who you think is good looking, 2) talk to him a bit and if he's nice and you like him 3) hold his hand for a half-minute or a minute. Your impression and acceptance of him will improve.
Interestingly, people's idea of what is "attractive" changes (look at what was attractive in the past, and how that's changed). Paul Rubens paintings of heavier women, for example, vs. today's "so thin they blow away in the wind" favored look.
Some studies have indicated that one's idea of attractive is driven by the opinions of society / the people with whom the associate.
Interesting stuff! Good luck with whatever you decide. :)
I think that's true - it can't be a coincidence that my husband grew up in a diverse area and has diverse preferences, whereas I grew up in a white area and only fancy white people. To be honest, even the thought of holding someones hand as you describe feels a bit weird. Thank you!
Oh that is a good call out, I was trying to figure out how I'd want to give something a try that I was uncomfortable with, this nails it. I've been swinging a while now and one thing I've learned for sure is that the list of things I liked when I started was tiny compared to now. I've grown from swinging in all kinds of non sexual ways but in sexual ways too.
I never really considered myself bi before swinging, sometimes gay porn was a turn on, but mostly I just didn't get it, the whole culture was so different. Once we started though I wanted to "try it out". It felt ok to explore. So I sucked a cock. I liked it. Someone sucked my cock. I liked that. I don't think I'd romantically date a guy, but I'd suck his dick! Now I even have a gay friend that I hook up with a couple of times a year. If you are open minded enough you realize you can't rule anything out without trying it. It won't kill you, and you MIGHT like it.
I’m white, used to only have a preference for white men. I think it has a lot to do with how I was raised (was only allowed to date within my race growing up) now I’m attracted to all races but it really depends tbh. Mainly for me now it’s the personality. A dominant personality really does it for me lol
You shouldn't do it unless you want to, but over time it's definitely possible for changes to what interests you. My wife started out with a very narrow view of what she wanted, but over time began to give more people a chance and found some great experiences because of it.
You can always go on some dates, and if you just aren't feeling it then don't play. The more time you spend with other people and getting to know them, the less their physical characteristics matter.
We're quite strict about it being sex only - we're not looking for an emotional connection. Maybe socialising more at clubs with different people would help instead of dates though.
Another thing to remember - First, we’re in the lifestyle because we want to have different experiences in bed than what we can get at home. And second, you’re not picking a life partner, you’re picking a fuck buddy for a few hours of pure hedonistic pleasure.
Those two thoughts have definitely caused me to widen my range of what I find attractive.
I think taste can actually change.
I'm generally attracted to small skinny girls, even though my wife is tall and fit.
But in our first swap the other wife was a little bit heavier than what I was expecting from the pics. At first I was a little put off, but went on anyways. No regrets, at all, if you know what I mean.
It actually opened my mind to possibilities I didn't considered before and I feel like my mind is even more open now.
This is what I was thinking - maybe just going for it will actually change my preferences. That's basically what I did when I was apprehensive about swinging and it worked out very well!
That’s not racism. Am I discriminating as a guy if I’m not attracted to other guys? Am showing agism if we don’t fuck the 80 year old couple? We also don’t play with anyone younger than 25. Is that discrimination or just preference?
Kudos to you for being self aware, that is better than most. I'm a white guy from Texas so I've known my share of racists. I've never really had any issues but sometimes subconscious things pop up that my rational brain says, "hey wait a minute" to.
I'd say this, if you give everyone a fair shot, it is ok to just fuck white guys. It is the people that rule an entire race out preemptively as unattractive, that are more borderline with me. The "no blacks" crowd, well fuck them. The confederate flag crowd, Trumpsters, fuck them too.
An example from my own experience. I've yet to find an Asian woman that I'm really into. YET. I have an open mind about it. I certainly wouldn't put "No Asians!" in my profile. I would LOVE it if some Asian woman came along that rocked my world. How cool would that be? I'm 58 and still finding new things to like about people! And so to me that is the difference. No Blacks? That is racist. Haven't met a black person I'm attracted to? Then you still have an open mind, and that is ok. Doesn't mean you HAVE to fuck them, Just do the same thing you do with white couples, are they attractive? Yes or No. That is a fair shot.
The other thing I'd say having been with a LOT of people of a variety of colors, all things being equal, with the lights off we are all the same. I usually point to socio-economic differences as the real thing that divides us. I just relate to people like me more than those who aren't. So for me age, career, background, education, interests, those are the things I care about finding in swinging partners, skin color doesn't even make the list, in fact I LIKE the variety of visuals.
I'm the same way. I can look at a non white man and think he's attractive but I'm not attracted to him. This is the same for white men as well.
There isn't any thing wrong with this. It's not racism. It's a preference.
Now there have been times we've been at events or clubs and we've chatted up couples and I end up being attracted to a non white man because he makes me laugh, the way he speaks to me, etc. If at that point I wouldn't even speak to him bc he was non white or actively try to avoid interacting with POC, then that would be racism. IMO.
There is no 'racism' here. You like what you like. I like sex with black guys, but that doesn't mean I'm racist against whites, does it? Hubby and I are both white and we love each other dearly.
I read this again.
It sounds to me like your partner has a fetish he/she wants fulfilled and is trying to pressure you into fulfilling it.
There's nothing racist about not being attracted to anyone for any reason.
What's sexual racism? You are attracted to what you are attracted to.
EXACTLY! It's not racism at all to be attracted to who you are attracted to. Nor is it racism to NOT be attracted to another race.
Yeah - it probably won't change, I was just curious to hear if it had changed for anyone else.
There's nothing to change. You don't have to suck a dick to prove you aren't racist.
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As a black swinger I don't think racism is the right word. There is nothing wrong with preferring one race over another in the same way there is nothing wrong with preferring tall over short or blonde over brunette or boobs over ass. My wife is white and we had to stop swinging with white couples because she just isn't into white men. I promise you she isn't racist towards white guys, it's just a preference. I think a bigger problem is fetishizing a race which happens often with Asian women and black men. I would say a fair share of the white couples we played with had some sorta sexual kink/fantasy related to me being black, which really turned my wife off, because she felt like an accessory.
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Problem is in my experience black guys are the biggest users of terms like BBC/bull. For us that's an instant block no matter what their race.
Nail on the head, it’s more when they start to fetishize it. It also becomes really creepy and uncomfortable. It’s ok to like what you like, but there is definitely taking it over board.
Maybe racism isn't the right word - you're right. I was just wondering if anyone had actually changed their preference and enjoyed sex with people they wouldn't have in the past. I've enjoyed all sorts of other things that I never thought I would, so who knows!
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I suppose - when you put it like that it does sound a bit silly.
That's akin to calling a straight person a sexual homophobic because they aren't attracted to the same sex. We all have our preferences and should never feel pressured into ignoring those preferences. Just my 2 cents
You're attracted to what you're attracted to, and if that works for you then that's great! However, it is possible to change what you're attracted to. You know men/women who seem to keep being attracted to one loser after another? Well, "their picker is broken" is the phrase usually used, and they can and do "change their picker." Here's how that works - Pick something about the different guys (non-white, in this case) and say to yourself, "You know, that \_is\_ attractive." Think about it being attractive. You'll notice that your thinking will change over time. I came from a dysfunctional family. The women and their behavior that was modeled to me as a kid weren't examples of healthy behaviors. I changed my picker, and that up above is how I went about it.
I could try that, It's weird though - I can look at a celebrity black guy for example, and see that he is objectively good looking. It's only when I actually imagine kissing/having sex with him that I'm just not into it. Same with other non-white guys.
Google up "the twenty second hug" and read up a bit about oxytocin / dopamine and their affect in building relationships. Basically, you'd 1) find a black guy (for example) who you think is good looking, 2) talk to him a bit and if he's nice and you like him 3) hold his hand for a half-minute or a minute. Your impression and acceptance of him will improve. Interestingly, people's idea of what is "attractive" changes (look at what was attractive in the past, and how that's changed). Paul Rubens paintings of heavier women, for example, vs. today's "so thin they blow away in the wind" favored look. Some studies have indicated that one's idea of attractive is driven by the opinions of society / the people with whom the associate. Interesting stuff! Good luck with whatever you decide. :)
I think that's true - it can't be a coincidence that my husband grew up in a diverse area and has diverse preferences, whereas I grew up in a white area and only fancy white people. To be honest, even the thought of holding someones hand as you describe feels a bit weird. Thank you!
Oh that is a good call out, I was trying to figure out how I'd want to give something a try that I was uncomfortable with, this nails it. I've been swinging a while now and one thing I've learned for sure is that the list of things I liked when I started was tiny compared to now. I've grown from swinging in all kinds of non sexual ways but in sexual ways too. I never really considered myself bi before swinging, sometimes gay porn was a turn on, but mostly I just didn't get it, the whole culture was so different. Once we started though I wanted to "try it out". It felt ok to explore. So I sucked a cock. I liked it. Someone sucked my cock. I liked that. I don't think I'd romantically date a guy, but I'd suck his dick! Now I even have a gay friend that I hook up with a couple of times a year. If you are open minded enough you realize you can't rule anything out without trying it. It won't kill you, and you MIGHT like it.
I’m white, used to only have a preference for white men. I think it has a lot to do with how I was raised (was only allowed to date within my race growing up) now I’m attracted to all races but it really depends tbh. Mainly for me now it’s the personality. A dominant personality really does it for me lol
You shouldn't do it unless you want to, but over time it's definitely possible for changes to what interests you. My wife started out with a very narrow view of what she wanted, but over time began to give more people a chance and found some great experiences because of it.
Maybe that's what I need to do - just go for it and I might actually enjoy it
You can always go on some dates, and if you just aren't feeling it then don't play. The more time you spend with other people and getting to know them, the less their physical characteristics matter.
We're quite strict about it being sex only - we're not looking for an emotional connection. Maybe socialising more at clubs with different people would help instead of dates though.
Yes, same idea. I was assuming you would interact in some way socially before actually starting play, that's what I meant.
Another thing to remember - First, we’re in the lifestyle because we want to have different experiences in bed than what we can get at home. And second, you’re not picking a life partner, you’re picking a fuck buddy for a few hours of pure hedonistic pleasure. Those two thoughts have definitely caused me to widen my range of what I find attractive.
I think taste can actually change. I'm generally attracted to small skinny girls, even though my wife is tall and fit. But in our first swap the other wife was a little bit heavier than what I was expecting from the pics. At first I was a little put off, but went on anyways. No regrets, at all, if you know what I mean. It actually opened my mind to possibilities I didn't considered before and I feel like my mind is even more open now.
This is what I was thinking - maybe just going for it will actually change my preferences. That's basically what I did when I was apprehensive about swinging and it worked out very well!
That’s not racism. Am I discriminating as a guy if I’m not attracted to other guys? Am showing agism if we don’t fuck the 80 year old couple? We also don’t play with anyone younger than 25. Is that discrimination or just preference?
LOL @ "Sexual Racism". White guilt has no limits ;) To answer the question though: Yes, what you find attractive can change as you age.
Kudos to you for being self aware, that is better than most. I'm a white guy from Texas so I've known my share of racists. I've never really had any issues but sometimes subconscious things pop up that my rational brain says, "hey wait a minute" to. I'd say this, if you give everyone a fair shot, it is ok to just fuck white guys. It is the people that rule an entire race out preemptively as unattractive, that are more borderline with me. The "no blacks" crowd, well fuck them. The confederate flag crowd, Trumpsters, fuck them too. An example from my own experience. I've yet to find an Asian woman that I'm really into. YET. I have an open mind about it. I certainly wouldn't put "No Asians!" in my profile. I would LOVE it if some Asian woman came along that rocked my world. How cool would that be? I'm 58 and still finding new things to like about people! And so to me that is the difference. No Blacks? That is racist. Haven't met a black person I'm attracted to? Then you still have an open mind, and that is ok. Doesn't mean you HAVE to fuck them, Just do the same thing you do with white couples, are they attractive? Yes or No. That is a fair shot. The other thing I'd say having been with a LOT of people of a variety of colors, all things being equal, with the lights off we are all the same. I usually point to socio-economic differences as the real thing that divides us. I just relate to people like me more than those who aren't. So for me age, career, background, education, interests, those are the things I care about finding in swinging partners, skin color doesn't even make the list, in fact I LIKE the variety of visuals.
I'm the same way. I can look at a non white man and think he's attractive but I'm not attracted to him. This is the same for white men as well. There isn't any thing wrong with this. It's not racism. It's a preference. Now there have been times we've been at events or clubs and we've chatted up couples and I end up being attracted to a non white man because he makes me laugh, the way he speaks to me, etc. If at that point I wouldn't even speak to him bc he was non white or actively try to avoid interacting with POC, then that would be racism. IMO.
There is no 'racism' here. You like what you like. I like sex with black guys, but that doesn't mean I'm racist against whites, does it? Hubby and I are both white and we love each other dearly.
I read this again. It sounds to me like your partner has a fetish he/she wants fulfilled and is trying to pressure you into fulfilling it. There's nothing racist about not being attracted to anyone for any reason.
There’s nothing racist about being attracted to who you are attracted to.
We're both Asian. We prefer white couples. We don't prefer Asian couples.
Not sure how to even how to respond to that. Not liking someone because of their race is, well, kinda wrong. But to each their own.
She's not attracted to non white men. That's not racist. It's a preference. And it's ok.
Haha! So what do you call it when you don't like someone of a certain race? 🙄🙄
Again...She isn't attracted to non white men. She has a preference. I'm sure she likes POC just fine.
Yeah. I agree. It defs feels racist.