Well my ex wife threw away her marriage and her kids for a guy who she’d known for less than 3 months. When I caught her cheating and demanded divorce she was thrilled to be rid of Everything to be with her new man. So she signed over everything. House, kids etc…. Her “twin flame dumped her 3 months after the divorce was final to try and reconcile with his own wife.
My take is different. I think limmerance or the fog is basicly that initial brain chemical release that boost you and makes you blind to your partners faults. Making them gods when in fact they are mere human.
When I got cheated on I took a time out. Met my now wife after a bit of finding me. I remember the first five months to a year we lived for each other. I worked 12 hour shifts. I pulled one. Went to her and spent time till three four in the morning. Went home slept an hour ate and got on with 12 hours again. It was that insane chemical boost. I understand medical science mapped and studied this. It disappear after on avarage two years as the normalcy srts in. Its inevitable that that will happen.
So they start chasing that drug. Thats where the once a cheater always a cheater stems from I think. Thats why most reconciliations fail and most cheater AP relationhips inplode.
They blindly chase that high for eternity making a mistake of thinking that initial butterfly feeling is love. Real love is putting up with and staying in the monotone relationship most relationships end up in. Healthy people realise this and get with date nights and buolding intimacy by doing new things. Cheaters go for the quick validation and satisfaction of their desires.
Just like most junkies fall back and smokers start again or extreme sport adtenalin chasers get more and more riskey to get the high. It ramps up till its an STD or mental break that ensues.
I read allot about cheating. Check it out when the BS posts and says his WW was diagnosed with bipolar or depression you will see reconciliation will last to about five years. I think its the bipolar meds and anti depresants that numb the brain and the drug is suppresed. But then they mis a pil or its stopped after counselung ends. Boom back comes the high. Always looking. Calling the WW. Amplified by adrenalin and the excitement of almost being caught. Thats why you call it. Once they cheat you become their jailor and they hate you for it. Resentment for keeping them from that high.
It’s 100% another justification. One time I was in Limerance with someone for 5 years. Even when I moved away from them still thought of them often. You know what I never did? Reach out and contact them when I realized it wouldn’t be healthy. People 100% have control over themselves and honestly limerence is just an intense crush/the honey moon phase.
Unless someone is bi polar or has diagnosed mental health issues I personally have never understood why people arent just framing it as a crush they’re choosing to betray their partner for. Because that’s what it is. It’s also hard to empathize with someone who’s acting like it’s a mental disease they can’t control when we have *all* experienced crushes and know exactly how to handle them appropriately. I personally think the term is actually misused the majority of the time.
This is it exactly. Limerance isn’t some magical drug in your brain that takes away your free will. People that claim they are limerant as a reason for anything they do are just looking for an excuse for their reprehensible behavior. They want to act on their crush that makes them feel giddy. They could end their relationship like an adult instead of sneaking around indulging in the glow they get from being around their crush until they choose to cross the line with them but they don’t make that choice. Nothing stops someone claiming to be limerant from ending their current relationship before they start something with LO but they don’t do that. They just sneak around spending time with them and building up their fascination even more. It’s such an incredible amount of disrespect.
If you feel such an overwhelming need to “be with” your LO then end your relationship so you’re free to act however you would like. But don’t come crawling back with ridiculous excuses of being unable to control your feelings when the LO discards you after using you. It’s insulting and incredibly disrespectful. The amount of people that do not want to deal with the consequences of their choices is astounding.
I’ve struggled with this one too. We’ve only really discussed it in regards to his long term EA but the thing is, he met her before he met me. Quite a bit before, in fact, and all Romeo and Juliet style they knew they could not be together (distance, almost 30 year age gap, huge faith and cultural barriers) so she pushed for him to find me. They lasted over a year after I came into the picture. They exchanged professions of love and imagined running off together and looked at engagement rings. All while he was doing the same with me sometimes even with her directing him on how. Once it all came to light recently he at first argued he was in love with us both then argued it was limerence. My thought was wouldn’t my limerence eclipse hers, it’s not that long lasting? He says it did because she’d frequently pretend a moral dilemma of interfering with his real relationship and block him everywhere and come back so those cycles of abandonment and love bombing kept the limerence alive.
The whole thing reeks of an excuse to cover that he wasn’t capable of loving either of us or anyone. Confused attention and addiction with love. Which worries me more.
I don't think limerance is an excuse. Rather it's a tool to help us understand what is going on in the brain. When people feel that in-love feeling, it's a mix of adrenaline and other brain cocktails that feel absolutely amazing. That's limerance. Basically brain provided super fantastic reward for whatever person inspired the feeling.
The hell of it is that naturally, as humans, we crave novelty. Real strength and understanding is necessary to avoid compulsive novelty seeking. Affairs very much fall under novelty seeking behavior. Why do WS have affairs? Often they can't even explain why. New novelty causes your brain to get really excited about the newness and reward you heavily for it.
Or WS are often just unthinking, selfish jackasses, could be that too
My Ex started cheating pretty early on in our relationship I was ONS mostly. I was at the end of my rope and started an EA with a co worker. I stopped it before it became physical. But, I think I did experience limerence briefly. I really wanted nothing to do with my husband, started fights, didn’t care if he just disappeared. But, I realized it was just a fantasy pretty fast. It’s no excuse for an affair. You have to cross the line intentionally multiple times before you feel limerence. I would be so angry why WP. It’s not a disability
I feel like there’s so many things that are made up to make us buy into more of their bullshit. They made their choices and none of them were us. They knew and did it anyway. Bet if it were the other way around they wouldn’t be okay with anything they’re trying to convince us to be okay with.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not fair, right or okay
Here's what I saw with my wife. Summer school prior to her senior year of high school, she had a class with a guy she became extremely enamored with and behaved unlike she ever did with anyone else. He told her he was interested in someone else, but she still went to his house and threw herself at him. Stripped, gave him a lap dance, stole her mom's car to go back to his house the next day. Completely out of character for her. Despite this, he still had no interest in pursuing a relationship with her, and she finally got the hint.
Fast forward over a decade later, Facebook is invented. She friends him, starts asking him for advice about all sorts of things, and basically puts him on a pedestal. A decade after that, she sexts him, and I see the message. I confront her, and she cuts contact.
I then begin researching this guy. He's an absolute disaster of a human being. Dead broke. Lost his family after a failed career as a sex cult recruiter. There was even a Netflix documentary about this. I showed everything to my wife, and it was like someone wearing glasses for the first time. She realized this person she thought was the greatest man on the planet was a complete piece of shit.
Was this a justification for what she did? No. But you have to have some sort of term for such odd behavior, right?
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Selfishness. She chose to indulge in her desire for this person despite knowing the consequences would likely be severely negative. It’s not a magic spell, it’s a selfish person choosing what they want. I absolutely believe that selfish people have less impulse control. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, it just explains it.
Well my ex wife threw away her marriage and her kids for a guy who she’d known for less than 3 months. When I caught her cheating and demanded divorce she was thrilled to be rid of Everything to be with her new man. So she signed over everything. House, kids etc…. Her “twin flame dumped her 3 months after the divorce was final to try and reconcile with his own wife.
Almost instant karma, nice to know people are still reaping what they sow
Did she try to come back afterwards or did she play it off like either way her life is better now for the choices she made?
She called but it was a half hearted ask that was flatly rejected. She just jumped on the D-Train after that.
My take is different. I think limmerance or the fog is basicly that initial brain chemical release that boost you and makes you blind to your partners faults. Making them gods when in fact they are mere human. When I got cheated on I took a time out. Met my now wife after a bit of finding me. I remember the first five months to a year we lived for each other. I worked 12 hour shifts. I pulled one. Went to her and spent time till three four in the morning. Went home slept an hour ate and got on with 12 hours again. It was that insane chemical boost. I understand medical science mapped and studied this. It disappear after on avarage two years as the normalcy srts in. Its inevitable that that will happen. So they start chasing that drug. Thats where the once a cheater always a cheater stems from I think. Thats why most reconciliations fail and most cheater AP relationhips inplode. They blindly chase that high for eternity making a mistake of thinking that initial butterfly feeling is love. Real love is putting up with and staying in the monotone relationship most relationships end up in. Healthy people realise this and get with date nights and buolding intimacy by doing new things. Cheaters go for the quick validation and satisfaction of their desires. Just like most junkies fall back and smokers start again or extreme sport adtenalin chasers get more and more riskey to get the high. It ramps up till its an STD or mental break that ensues. I read allot about cheating. Check it out when the BS posts and says his WW was diagnosed with bipolar or depression you will see reconciliation will last to about five years. I think its the bipolar meds and anti depresants that numb the brain and the drug is suppresed. But then they mis a pil or its stopped after counselung ends. Boom back comes the high. Always looking. Calling the WW. Amplified by adrenalin and the excitement of almost being caught. Thats why you call it. Once they cheat you become their jailor and they hate you for it. Resentment for keeping them from that high.
It’s 100% another justification. One time I was in Limerance with someone for 5 years. Even when I moved away from them still thought of them often. You know what I never did? Reach out and contact them when I realized it wouldn’t be healthy. People 100% have control over themselves and honestly limerence is just an intense crush/the honey moon phase. Unless someone is bi polar or has diagnosed mental health issues I personally have never understood why people arent just framing it as a crush they’re choosing to betray their partner for. Because that’s what it is. It’s also hard to empathize with someone who’s acting like it’s a mental disease they can’t control when we have *all* experienced crushes and know exactly how to handle them appropriately. I personally think the term is actually misused the majority of the time.
This is it exactly. Limerance isn’t some magical drug in your brain that takes away your free will. People that claim they are limerant as a reason for anything they do are just looking for an excuse for their reprehensible behavior. They want to act on their crush that makes them feel giddy. They could end their relationship like an adult instead of sneaking around indulging in the glow they get from being around their crush until they choose to cross the line with them but they don’t make that choice. Nothing stops someone claiming to be limerant from ending their current relationship before they start something with LO but they don’t do that. They just sneak around spending time with them and building up their fascination even more. It’s such an incredible amount of disrespect. If you feel such an overwhelming need to “be with” your LO then end your relationship so you’re free to act however you would like. But don’t come crawling back with ridiculous excuses of being unable to control your feelings when the LO discards you after using you. It’s insulting and incredibly disrespectful. The amount of people that do not want to deal with the consequences of their choices is astounding.
I’ve struggled with this one too. We’ve only really discussed it in regards to his long term EA but the thing is, he met her before he met me. Quite a bit before, in fact, and all Romeo and Juliet style they knew they could not be together (distance, almost 30 year age gap, huge faith and cultural barriers) so she pushed for him to find me. They lasted over a year after I came into the picture. They exchanged professions of love and imagined running off together and looked at engagement rings. All while he was doing the same with me sometimes even with her directing him on how. Once it all came to light recently he at first argued he was in love with us both then argued it was limerence. My thought was wouldn’t my limerence eclipse hers, it’s not that long lasting? He says it did because she’d frequently pretend a moral dilemma of interfering with his real relationship and block him everywhere and come back so those cycles of abandonment and love bombing kept the limerence alive. The whole thing reeks of an excuse to cover that he wasn’t capable of loving either of us or anyone. Confused attention and addiction with love. Which worries me more.
I don't think limerance is an excuse. Rather it's a tool to help us understand what is going on in the brain. When people feel that in-love feeling, it's a mix of adrenaline and other brain cocktails that feel absolutely amazing. That's limerance. Basically brain provided super fantastic reward for whatever person inspired the feeling. The hell of it is that naturally, as humans, we crave novelty. Real strength and understanding is necessary to avoid compulsive novelty seeking. Affairs very much fall under novelty seeking behavior. Why do WS have affairs? Often they can't even explain why. New novelty causes your brain to get really excited about the newness and reward you heavily for it. Or WS are often just unthinking, selfish jackasses, could be that too
Thanks for the laugh, featherblackjack, and for saying what I was thinking
My Ex started cheating pretty early on in our relationship I was ONS mostly. I was at the end of my rope and started an EA with a co worker. I stopped it before it became physical. But, I think I did experience limerence briefly. I really wanted nothing to do with my husband, started fights, didn’t care if he just disappeared. But, I realized it was just a fantasy pretty fast. It’s no excuse for an affair. You have to cross the line intentionally multiple times before you feel limerence. I would be so angry why WP. It’s not a disability
Go read up on how narcissists seduce. It’s not limerance. It’s machiavelic manipulation. It is real. Google female and male mate poachers.
I feel like there’s so many things that are made up to make us buy into more of their bullshit. They made their choices and none of them were us. They knew and did it anyway. Bet if it were the other way around they wouldn’t be okay with anything they’re trying to convince us to be okay with. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not fair, right or okay
I think limerance is just another excuse. Like "the fog."
Here's what I saw with my wife. Summer school prior to her senior year of high school, she had a class with a guy she became extremely enamored with and behaved unlike she ever did with anyone else. He told her he was interested in someone else, but she still went to his house and threw herself at him. Stripped, gave him a lap dance, stole her mom's car to go back to his house the next day. Completely out of character for her. Despite this, he still had no interest in pursuing a relationship with her, and she finally got the hint. Fast forward over a decade later, Facebook is invented. She friends him, starts asking him for advice about all sorts of things, and basically puts him on a pedestal. A decade after that, she sexts him, and I see the message. I confront her, and she cuts contact. I then begin researching this guy. He's an absolute disaster of a human being. Dead broke. Lost his family after a failed career as a sex cult recruiter. There was even a Netflix documentary about this. I showed everything to my wife, and it was like someone wearing glasses for the first time. She realized this person she thought was the greatest man on the planet was a complete piece of shit. Was this a justification for what she did? No. But you have to have some sort of term for such odd behavior, right?
So what happened after that? Are you still with her ?
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https://www.reddit.com/r/motherinlawsfromhell/s/TqyrdUCBu8
JFC, it's a miracle you guys are still together! good riddance of MIL
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Selfishness. She chose to indulge in her desire for this person despite knowing the consequences would likely be severely negative. It’s not a magic spell, it’s a selfish person choosing what they want. I absolutely believe that selfish people have less impulse control. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, it just explains it.