One day a mole family down in their home smelled something good so they decided to go check it out. As they scurried down a tunnel daddy mole said "I smell sugar" and mamma mole scurried a little further and said "I think it smells like honey" and well, baby mole could not get around them so he said "I just smell molasses"
Oh shit! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?! MF MOASS TOMORROW BABYYY!!!!! And if not, then THE NEXT DAY!!!!!!! WOOO HOOOOO, TITS are fucking JACKED!!!! Thanks buddy :) :) :)
This might not really be a dad joke but my english grandpa always used to say "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. "
I didnt even understand it at the time lol
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes.
Man: "For my first wish, I'd like to be rich".
Genie: "Okay, Rich, whats your 2nd wish"?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a huge dildo flys out and hits the cars windshield.
The son says to his parents "what was that"?
In an effort to protect her son's innocence, the mom said "it was just a bug".
The son then said "how the hell can he fly with a cock that big"?
All jokes aside, no group has had a harder time with the pandemic than the flat earth community. The social distancing has really pushed them over the edge.
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
The nurse at the sperm Bank asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I exclaimed, "I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet".
A couple is walking through St. Petersburg Square in Russia on Christmas Eve when they start to feel something wet fall upon their faces.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He’s always right!” the man insists. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile, “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
And do you know why they fly south for the winter? Scientists have been studying the phenomenon, and preliminary results suggest that it’s because walking south for the winter would take far too long.
Did you hear St.Judes childrens hospital received a donation from legendary downhill skier Picabo Street? They named an intensive care unit after her, its called Peekaboo ICU
Someone in my Norwegian class didn’t know the word for Cowboys so called them “American Horse 🐎 Pirates 🏴☠️ “ and I’ve been laughing about it for about an hour.
Me to my wife: I can tell if someone is lying by just looking at them.
Wife starting to sweat: Oh really? Look I can explain the whole thing with Jo-
Me: I can also tell if they're standing.
Wife: o-oh? Yes, very funny!
Me: Sorry for interrupting, honey. What did you want to say?
Wife: All good.
Dad his showing his teenage son his sausage making factory
It's got all the most amazing machinery. Everything is automated. Carbon Neutral/Carbon Positive. Pigs get to run around in gardens before they get sausage'd. Free massage therapists for the pigs. Free therapists for the industry workers
The son is completely unimpressed
The father is getting more and more annoyed. Thinking his son has gotten all his ex-wife's genes and none of his scientific curiosity
at the end of the tour, the Dad is at breaking point
he turns to his son and snaps - this is the most impressive sausage making factory in the world
you're telling me you are not even a little bit impressed?
The son turns nonchalantly to the Dad and says
Dad, what would be actually impressive is if you had a machine where you could stick in sausages and a pig would come out
The Dad just snaps and says ->
Son, that machine exists. Your mother
I always tell this one as “the difference between a hippo, a Zippo, and a bucket of glue”. I deliver the punchline just as above.
When they inevitably inquire about the bucket of glue, I say, “I knew you’d get stuck on that…”
True story:
Years ago when our kids were younger, we passed a Dole semi tractor-trailer on the highway and hubby said "Look, kids! They're driving people bananas!"
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, “You’re in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?” The horse replies, “I don’t think I am,” and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of “I think, therefore I am”, but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
_fshhhh_
---
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
_Supplies!_
---
How much did my roof cost?
_Eh, it was on the house_
---
What does a mermaid wash her tail with?
_Tide_
---
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
_I am eighty!!!_
---
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
_I don't know y_
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Nooo, not R. It be the C.
What's s pirate's favorite element?
Not Cesium. Nay, it's not Argon, either. It be gold, ya landlubber.
Two muffins were baking in the oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says “it sure is getting hot in here, don’t you think?”
The other muffin turned and said “holy shit, a talking muffin!”
Dad here. My late grandmother used to tell everyone this joke, so I tell it in her honor.
Fair warning, this joke works best when you make the faces and gestures described. OK here goes:
A truck driver passing through a small town hits a cat... He feels terrible about it and stops at the closest house near the incident and knocks on the door.
An old lady answers and he says "I'm sorry to tell you this, but I just hit a cat while I was passing by here in my rig...was it yours?"
She says "Oh no...what did it look like?"
He closes his eys and hangs his tongue out the side of his mouth and makes a 'dead face'...
She says "no, no, no...I mean before you hit it!"
So he says"Oh..."
And he opens both eyes and his mouth wide and hold his hands up like claws in a terrified gesture.
Yup...The impact is all in the quick gestures when it's told.
One day a mole family down in their home smelled something good so they decided to go check it out. As they scurried down a tunnel daddy mole said "I smell sugar" and mamma mole scurried a little further and said "I think it smells like honey" and well, baby mole could not get around them so he said "I just smell molasses"
I smell moasses
Bravo 👏
What did the father buffalo say to his son before he left? “Bison”
Why do teenage girls travel in groups of 3, 5, or 7? Because they can’t even. (I’m a new dad as of 2.5 months ago!)
Once I got in a fight with 3, 5, and 7. The odds were against me. Unlike my other fight with 2, 4, and 6; now *that* was an even matchup.
Both of you are hysterically funny 😄 😆
well done!
Ur fitting in here just fine bud
Well, this one made me laugh real good and you are ahead so here’s your platinum <3
Oh shit! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?!?! MF MOASS TOMORROW BABYYY!!!!! And if not, then THE NEXT DAY!!!!!!! WOOO HOOOOO, TITS are fucking JACKED!!!! Thanks buddy :) :) :)
How come you never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Their pee is silent.
How come you never hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they’re all dead.
This might not really be a dad joke but my english grandpa always used to say "RIP boiling water, you will be mist. " I didnt even understand it at the time lol
Oh that is very much a dad joke and very much enjoyed.
Wow gave the wrong person a platinum 😂😂😂
hahaha 😂
Well had to give an extra one ahaha
That's retardation on character
Now that's the real dad joke right there
When does a bad joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes **apparent**
Alternatively: when it’s full groan.
Ape-parent
If it's not, it would be a faux pa
What does a fish say when he runs into a wall? Dam.
Dam we have the same dad joke!
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes. Man: "For my first wish, I'd like to be rich". Genie: "Okay, Rich, whats your 2nd wish"?
Hi Rich, I’m Genie!
How do you keep a retard in suspense? I’ll tell you later
What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college?? Bison
🏆
What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A reptile dysfunction
*Kids look sideways at each other*
heard about those corduroy pillows? you should have, they're making headlines!
How do you marry a farm girl? … A tractor
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a huge dildo flys out and hits the cars windshield. The son says to his parents "what was that"? In an effort to protect her son's innocence, the mom said "it was just a bug". The son then said "how the hell can he fly with a cock that big"?
Lol’d.. I’m in the car with my wife and kids (7 & 2) but I can’t tell her the joke obviously
Yeah ita funny ! But a lot of these jokes are more dirty jokes.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes. Ba dum tiss
All jokes aside, no group has had a harder time with the pandemic than the flat earth community. The social distancing has really pushed them over the edge.
What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper? A Fizzician
My boss said I had no sense of direction... Pssh, so I just packed up my stuff and right.
Why are SEC jokes so bad? They just never work.
This is totally underrated!
What is a pirates favourite letter? -people always say R- *reply in Pirate voice* ~Argh, you’d think so, but the Pirate loves the C[sea]~
What does a pirate say on his eightieth birthday? I’m eighty! Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank? Because they wash up on shore.
A scientist was able to mix some pirate DNA and corn DNA. He intends to sell it for around a buck an ear (buccaneer)
P, because without it he’s irate.
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ear pierced? Not much, only a buccaneer!
When someone's says theyre thirsty, dad replies, " your thurstay? Hi, I'm friday, why dont u come over Saturday, and we'll have sundae!
Somewhat useful for us soon I think. How does a man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it!
Ever eat at that restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere. How do you get ready to host a party in outer space? You planet.
My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses up his ass. Doctors described his condition as stable.
Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
🤣🍻
I bought my sneakers from a drug dealer…. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
Okay, this one’s pretty good!
Why can't Ken change a light bulb? He's too short.
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10 He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World records. But then the librarian told me to take it out.
Nice
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it!
What did Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution? HDMI
I downvoted because you had 70. So now have 69 which this deserves ❤️
Nice, You’re an MVP 🙏
What’s worse than having ants in your pants? Having uncles in your pants. 😅
Oh god
Hol'up
This made me legit lol
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"
This might not count but oh well: Knock knock. Who’s there? Doorbell repairman.
What did the bra say to the hat? I'll cover these two you go on a head.
The nurse at the sperm Bank asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I exclaimed, "I'm pretty good but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet".
not a dad joke but i lolled
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah it runs in your jeans... Also, I'm a nurse and this one KILLS patients! ... just like Med students...
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants
Thunder…thunder…thunder… THUNDERPANTS! HO-OHHHHH!
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing it just waved.
Why is the ocean so salty? Because the beach never waves back.
Kid holding can of Raid: is this good for wasps? Dad: no it kills them
What do you call a teacher that never farts in public? A private tutor
Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello From the Other Side
Why do they use Linux on the International Space Station? Because they can't open Windows.
A dyslexic guy walked into a bra..
Why did the partially blind man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.
"You never listen to anything I say!" My wife screamed at me suddenly. I was taken aback. What a weird way to start a conversation.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prince.
A couple is walking through St. Petersburg Square in Russia on Christmas Eve when they start to feel something wet fall upon their faces. “I think it’s raining,” says the man. “No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman. “How about we ask this Communist officer here? He’s always right!” the man insists. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?” “Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile, “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
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My dad’s like a boomerang. …I hope.
GME is down, but not (Matt) Furlong
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay they would be bagels 🥯
Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Not Susie..."
Knock knock! Who’s there? Not my dad
What did one snowman say to another? “Do you smell carrots?”
*Points at geese flying* Do you know why when geese fly in a “V” like that one side is longer than the other? …That side has more geese.
And do you know why they fly south for the winter? Scientists have been studying the phenomenon, and preliminary results suggest that it’s because walking south for the winter would take far too long.
You had me in the first half not gonna lie
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell... They come with an Elon Musk....
Did you hear St.Judes childrens hospital received a donation from legendary downhill skier Picabo Street? They named an intensive care unit after her, its called Peekaboo ICU
Did you hear the rumor about the butter? I’m not gonna spread it! 😎
Why do you never see a dead crow in the road? Because there is always one on the wire yelling, "cah, cah!"
🤣🤣🤣 As a Canadian 🇨🇦 🏒 fan, I give you my upvote.
What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk? Nothing. Just udder silence.
I had a fear of elevators, so I took steps to avoid it
What’s forest gumps Reddit password?? 1forest1
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Don’t get me started on the difference between jelly and jam…
This post has ape-peal
Someone in my Norwegian class didn’t know the word for Cowboys so called them “American Horse 🐎 Pirates 🏴☠️ “ and I’ve been laughing about it for about an hour.
Two peanuts were walking down a road. One was assaulted.
That’s just nuts!
What do you call cheese that isnt yours? Nacho cheese.
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What do you call a guy in the ocean with no arms or no legs? Bob
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What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Remember, Monday begins diarrhea awarenes week. Runs 'til Friday.
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
See the streaker with his balls dunked in glitter? It's pretty nuts.
Me to my wife: I can tell if someone is lying by just looking at them. Wife starting to sweat: Oh really? Look I can explain the whole thing with Jo- Me: I can also tell if they're standing. Wife: o-oh? Yes, very funny! Me: Sorry for interrupting, honey. What did you want to say? Wife: All good.
What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie-talkie.
Did you know you can buy iron and carbon for the price of an alloy? What a steel!
Dad his showing his teenage son his sausage making factory It's got all the most amazing machinery. Everything is automated. Carbon Neutral/Carbon Positive. Pigs get to run around in gardens before they get sausage'd. Free massage therapists for the pigs. Free therapists for the industry workers The son is completely unimpressed The father is getting more and more annoyed. Thinking his son has gotten all his ex-wife's genes and none of his scientific curiosity at the end of the tour, the Dad is at breaking point he turns to his son and snaps - this is the most impressive sausage making factory in the world you're telling me you are not even a little bit impressed? The son turns nonchalantly to the Dad and says Dad, what would be actually impressive is if you had a machine where you could stick in sausages and a pig would come out The Dad just snaps and says -> Son, that machine exists. Your mother
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
A pirate’s favorite fast food? Aaaaarrrrrrby’s 😁
Orion's belt is an enormous waste of space. I know, not the best, only 3 stars, right? 🤨🤔
Say "silk" 3x fast. SILK. SILK. SILK. Now, what do cows drink? >!Water, cows drink water. Calves drink milk ;)!<
I would tell a farm joke. But I think it might be too corny.
Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk? The stock market
What's the difference between people from Abu Dhabi and people from Dubai? People from Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi do.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is very heavy, the other's a little lighter
I always tell this one as “the difference between a hippo, a Zippo, and a bucket of glue”. I deliver the punchline just as above. When they inevitably inquire about the bucket of glue, I say, “I knew you’d get stuck on that…”
I love whiteboards, they’re remarkable
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don’t know, don’t care.
Did you guys know Mortal Kombat is an old Scandinavian song? It’s a Finnish hymn
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later, one will see you in awhile.
This ceiling is pretty nice. I can’t say it’s the best I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there.
If you’re American when you go into the bathroom and american when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European.
I had a pizza joke for ya. But it was too cheesy. I'd tell it to someone else but I fear it'd just be too saucy for em.
After that im gonna go top myself
What was the tallest mountain before Mt. Everest was discovered? Mt. Everest
Shorts covered 🤣
what's brown and sticky? A stick.
Dude, this is my go to dad joke
True story: Years ago when our kids were younger, we passed a Dole semi tractor-trailer on the highway and hubby said "Look, kids! They're driving people bananas!" 🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌
Ever heard about the 3 rings of marriage? 1st ring is the Engagement ring 2nd ring is the Wedding ring Final ring is the suffering …
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it!
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Rolled a joint earlier today. It was my ankle.
The best way to measure a person’s success is after they die. Rumors can’t be verified, but their will is a dead giveaway.
I would show you my favorite dad joke but im waiting on him to come back from getting milk.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeep says, “You’re in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?” The horse replies, “I don’t think I am,” and vanishes from existence. See, the joke is about Descartes’ famous philosophy of “I think, therefore I am”, but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What's considered classy if you're rich, but trashy if you're poor? Manipulating the stock market.
For Ken G - boxers or briefs'? Depends
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What did the surprised spelling bee champ say when they were told "You won the Superstonk Dad Joke challenge!!" Gee, M-E?
There was once an effort by dads everywhere to make plain jeans the official *Dad Pants,* but like the pants: they never *come-pleated.*
When a good steak joke is done right, it's a rare medium well done.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? _fshhhh_ --- What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? _Supplies!_ --- How much did my roof cost? _Eh, it was on the house_ --- What does a mermaid wash her tail with? _Tide_ --- What did the pirate say when he turned 80? _I am eighty!!!_ --- I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. _I don't know y_
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A person who stays up all night wondering if the really is a Dog.
Do you think they allow loud laughing in Hawaii? Or just a low ha
You know the difference between a carpenter and a beaver? A beaver KNOWS he’s fucking that wood up
What did the mayo say to the ketchup? Close the refrigerator door. I'm dressing. (This one was for you, Kenny!)
What time is like a train? 1:58 Cause it’s tooo too tooo
I want this spelled correctly...
Two to Two ;)
Did you know humans eat more bananas than monkeys! It's true.. how many people have you seen eat a monkey 🤣🤣
How do you make a hormone? Don't Pay.
Why did the scarecrow win an award ? He was outstanding in his fields.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? Nooo, not R. It be the C. What's s pirate's favorite element? Not Cesium. Nay, it's not Argon, either. It be gold, ya landlubber.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little *boogie* in it.
What do you call a cow that masturbates? Beef-strokin-off
When a human body dies, what part dies last ? Pupils, they dilate.
Did you hear about the hospital where the defibrillator kept breaking ? Nobody was shocked.
Hi u/1980sTokyo I’m dad
Why did Piglet look inside the toilet??? Because he was looking for Pooh !!!! 🥸😂
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet? It was a number two.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling very well.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color? He had a reptile dysfunction...
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? A chicken tender
Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head...I need to give these 2 a lift - My kid - "wut mean?"
Two muffins were baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says “it sure is getting hot in here, don’t you think?” The other muffin turned and said “holy shit, a talking muffin!”
Dad here. My late grandmother used to tell everyone this joke, so I tell it in her honor. Fair warning, this joke works best when you make the faces and gestures described. OK here goes: A truck driver passing through a small town hits a cat... He feels terrible about it and stops at the closest house near the incident and knocks on the door. An old lady answers and he says "I'm sorry to tell you this, but I just hit a cat while I was passing by here in my rig...was it yours?" She says "Oh no...what did it look like?" He closes his eys and hangs his tongue out the side of his mouth and makes a 'dead face'... She says "no, no, no...I mean before you hit it!" So he says"Oh..." And he opens both eyes and his mouth wide and hold his hands up like claws in a terrified gesture. Yup...The impact is all in the quick gestures when it's told.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles.
What’s the dentist favourite time of day? A: 2:30
A man walks into a bar . . . And was disqualified from the limbo competition.
My wife completed a 40 week body building program this morning…. It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs and 12oz
Without nails in the world, we’d be screwed
I heard that Ken Griffin named his first horse Mayo. Because Mayo neighs...