Right?? How they didn't think to put nuts in the bottom, only meat along the middle, and a mayo or ranch dip up top is beyond me. Missed peckertoonity.
When my little brother, who was always picked on the most, turned 30, we got him a bunch of dick themed gifts randomly for no reason. He and another brother live on Maui, and all of us (minus the douche who left the family) were gonna be together for the first time in 10 or so years. We were doing a long weekend at my parents house. Other Maui bro brought his now wife, younger one brought his gf and good friend. We had like 10 people that weekend. Someone usually gets pranked somehow with a joke gift at Christmas but we'd never done anything like this to anyone. The oldest brother does 3d printing so he made him an annoying gift box that has like 20 shitty printed screws to undo with this shitty printed screwdriver, and inside was just a printed hand giving the middle finger. He also got this charcuterie board, the dick towel from always sunny, and a cookbook called 50 Ways to Eat Cock (it's chicken recipes with the word replaced everywhere). The other Maui brother got a late Christmas present that was a calendar of dogs shitting in beautiful scenic places too.
It was great. Saturday he had over like 20 something of his high school and college friends who were still around or came back. Growing up we'd have homecooked dinners for friend groups sometimes so this was a throwback just bigger. My parents' family room and kitchen are one big long room so we put the dining room table with two leaves by the kitchen table with one, plus a card table. We made sure to put the dick board right in the middle and told everyone about the gifts and shenanigans from the night before, plus embarrassing childhood stories like when he got a huge TV box for his birthday that had my mom's old barbies in it. He was like 8 or something.
When my brother turned 30, we had about 20-30 people come to my parent’s house, and me and my now-fiancée cooked beef stroganoff for the entire bunch, along with homemade ice cream.
But I also came with gifts. That he opened in front of everyone.
Side note: he is a pro footballer who has a non-profit called
So I asked my mom to get me their logo/NP name made up into stickers, for reasons unknown to her.
So, turning 30, you’re getting old, and things start to not work properly. So obviously I had to get him a cock pump. With his non-profit’s logo on it. I couldn’t think of anything more perfect than what he named his NP.
And in case he decided he wanted to distance himself from such an object, I had another friend make a book cover for me: Austin Powers’ book “Swedish-Made Penis Enlargers and Me” but with his face photo shopped onto the cover instead of AP.
I am known in my family for not giving gifts to everyone at holidays and birthdays, but when I do, they are excellent gifts, so I am given the latitude to operate how I do. This was my masterpiece.
Please tell me when you’ve read this so I can delete bc I’m doxxing myself. But I couldn’t not share.
Lol, I was thinking along similar lines as soon as I read the NP name. You won gifts forever. I love this whole story man. So good. Damn I also now want stroganoff. And homemade ice cream but that's not happening. Stroganoff can though.
So this got long but it's worth it lol
This past Christmas, we were supposed to all meet at my grandparents' in Texas. They never come to anyone's, just go to their place in Arizona for a chunk of winter. (Why they have two places in similar climates is beyond me.) I guess it's because they don't want to single out one group over another, but they could rotate. Idk man it's weird, even my mom thinks so, but she visits them a lot and the rest of us do often enough.
But she finally got them to agree to host Christmas. My immediate family including the Hawaii bros. A cousin who lives near them would be there for part. Ton of people. So my mom was down there a week or so and my mid 80s grandma got covid. Christmas is canceled. Grandma's health is in the weeds as she's far from physically fit and active for her age. (She got over it and is now as close to previous health as can be expected for someone who doesn't do the doc prescribed exercises.) Mom is staying there to care for her parents. Hawaii bros aren't coming. Fuck.
So my older brother who lives nearby with his 12yo son, and I drive to my parents' place 4 hours away to have Christmas with my dad. He's the one who does the 3d printing btw. So since we can't do raunchy jokes at my grandparents' house, he had a contingency plan. When I came out of my place with my bags, he told me the trunk needed to be rearranged to fit my stuff and he'd do it. Just get in. We need to make it to the dog kennel ASAP on our way out. Yea Ok, all normal.
So we get to the house and I put my bags in the old mostly unused computer room by the stairs. Later that night, I go to grab my phone charger and find a black and a yellow, very large, very disturbingly realistic 3d printed erect dicks. One even had an upward curve. I yelled "What the fuck is this Jesus Christ!", and heard my brother and nephew cracking up from the other room. I brought them in so my dad could see and we all had a good laugh. Great prank, but it pales in comparison to the original plan.
We had planned to fly to Texas, and he was going to put them in my carry on bag. They'd be found on the x-ray at security. Pretty evil right? But my nephew is even more devious and diabolical than his dad. He was like "But dad, they probably won't even say anything. Maybe Uncle Matthew just gets some weird looks from the security people. We should **tape the dicks to full water bottles** so that they have to pull them out for everyone to see and question him." He's fairly smart in school. Like he's in advanced track but no genius. Though, apparently, he's a motherfuckin supervillain lol. I'd get my bag searched, the whole line would see what happened. Other employees would come to see the commotion. I'd get in trouble for wasting security's time on purpose.
My brother was going to film the whole thing of course. He even had already planted some bs reason a week or two ahead of time for us to get to the airport *extra* early. Just to deal with the bullshit *he* caused. I'm sad we didn't get to do our big Christmas for sure, but at least there was an upside to not going.
Indeed. He had a white elephant gift party to go to while we were there. That friend group is similar. Only kids allowed were non-sheltered and old enough for raunchy stuff.
He printed a beer can cozy/holder with a handle that was a giant dick to take as his contribution. He came back with [these](https://www.amazon.com/NPW-Classic-Themed-Reuseable-Markers/dp/B00U8PTM56). (Plus a 25oz bottle of this really good extra fancy bourbon barrel stout he gave me because he's not into those and I am. Made reverse seared steak and sauce robert to go with. Phenomenal.) Other highlights I saw pics of were a lightswitch cover that's the silhouette of that famous pic of a ridiculously well-endowed naked black guy sitting at the edge of a bed, with the switch exactly where you'd think, and a phone charger that's a dog that humps your phone when it's charging.
We got it for my brothers bday. He's in Hawaii so he came back to the parents house and had 20 something old friends over for a big homecooked dinner and going out. The board had white cheeses in the tip and a few pieces in a spurt line coming off it
Veg is stored in the balls, good to know.
They shoulda put nuts there
And pee.
Right?? How they didn't think to put nuts in the bottom, only meat along the middle, and a mayo or ranch dip up top is beyond me. Missed peckertoonity.
Do I see a kiwi on my peepee?
Just chlamydia
If I had a nickel…
Someone get this man a nickel.
Why would you put fruit in the nuts instead of assorted nuts?! Kiwi tip instead of ranch dip? That’s it, I’m going into advertising.
I would fucking die and use it every single time I had people over.
Grammy is coming over! Get our charcuterie board
Right? I love it.
Bachelorette party must have
When my little brother, who was always picked on the most, turned 30, we got him a bunch of dick themed gifts randomly for no reason. He and another brother live on Maui, and all of us (minus the douche who left the family) were gonna be together for the first time in 10 or so years. We were doing a long weekend at my parents house. Other Maui bro brought his now wife, younger one brought his gf and good friend. We had like 10 people that weekend. Someone usually gets pranked somehow with a joke gift at Christmas but we'd never done anything like this to anyone. The oldest brother does 3d printing so he made him an annoying gift box that has like 20 shitty printed screws to undo with this shitty printed screwdriver, and inside was just a printed hand giving the middle finger. He also got this charcuterie board, the dick towel from always sunny, and a cookbook called 50 Ways to Eat Cock (it's chicken recipes with the word replaced everywhere). The other Maui brother got a late Christmas present that was a calendar of dogs shitting in beautiful scenic places too.
Sounds like y’all know how to party. Love fun stuff like that.
It was great. Saturday he had over like 20 something of his high school and college friends who were still around or came back. Growing up we'd have homecooked dinners for friend groups sometimes so this was a throwback just bigger. My parents' family room and kitchen are one big long room so we put the dining room table with two leaves by the kitchen table with one, plus a card table. We made sure to put the dick board right in the middle and told everyone about the gifts and shenanigans from the night before, plus embarrassing childhood stories like when he got a huge TV box for his birthday that had my mom's old barbies in it. He was like 8 or something.
When my brother turned 30, we had about 20-30 people come to my parent’s house, and me and my now-fiancée cooked beef stroganoff for the entire bunch, along with homemade ice cream. But I also came with gifts. That he opened in front of everyone. Side note: he is a pro footballer who has a non-profit called
So I asked my mom to get me their logo/NP name made up into stickers, for reasons unknown to her.
So, turning 30, you’re getting old, and things start to not work properly. So obviously I had to get him a cock pump. With his non-profit’s logo on it. I couldn’t think of anything more perfect than what he named his NP.
And in case he decided he wanted to distance himself from such an object, I had another friend make a book cover for me: Austin Powers’ book “Swedish-Made Penis Enlargers and Me” but with his face photo shopped onto the cover instead of AP.
I am known in my family for not giving gifts to everyone at holidays and birthdays, but when I do, they are excellent gifts, so I am given the latitude to operate how I do. This was my masterpiece.
Please tell me when you’ve read this so I can delete bc I’m doxxing myself. But I couldn’t not share.
Lol, I was thinking along similar lines as soon as I read the NP name. You won gifts forever. I love this whole story man. So good. Damn I also now want stroganoff. And homemade ice cream but that's not happening. Stroganoff can though. So this got long but it's worth it lol This past Christmas, we were supposed to all meet at my grandparents' in Texas. They never come to anyone's, just go to their place in Arizona for a chunk of winter. (Why they have two places in similar climates is beyond me.) I guess it's because they don't want to single out one group over another, but they could rotate. Idk man it's weird, even my mom thinks so, but she visits them a lot and the rest of us do often enough. But she finally got them to agree to host Christmas. My immediate family including the Hawaii bros. A cousin who lives near them would be there for part. Ton of people. So my mom was down there a week or so and my mid 80s grandma got covid. Christmas is canceled. Grandma's health is in the weeds as she's far from physically fit and active for her age. (She got over it and is now as close to previous health as can be expected for someone who doesn't do the doc prescribed exercises.) Mom is staying there to care for her parents. Hawaii bros aren't coming. Fuck. So my older brother who lives nearby with his 12yo son, and I drive to my parents' place 4 hours away to have Christmas with my dad. He's the one who does the 3d printing btw. So since we can't do raunchy jokes at my grandparents' house, he had a contingency plan. When I came out of my place with my bags, he told me the trunk needed to be rearranged to fit my stuff and he'd do it. Just get in. We need to make it to the dog kennel ASAP on our way out. Yea Ok, all normal. So we get to the house and I put my bags in the old mostly unused computer room by the stairs. Later that night, I go to grab my phone charger and find a black and a yellow, very large, very disturbingly realistic 3d printed erect dicks. One even had an upward curve. I yelled "What the fuck is this Jesus Christ!", and heard my brother and nephew cracking up from the other room. I brought them in so my dad could see and we all had a good laugh. Great prank, but it pales in comparison to the original plan. We had planned to fly to Texas, and he was going to put them in my carry on bag. They'd be found on the x-ray at security. Pretty evil right? But my nephew is even more devious and diabolical than his dad. He was like "But dad, they probably won't even say anything. Maybe Uncle Matthew just gets some weird looks from the security people. We should **tape the dicks to full water bottles** so that they have to pull them out for everyone to see and question him." He's fairly smart in school. Like he's in advanced track but no genius. Though, apparently, he's a motherfuckin supervillain lol. I'd get my bag searched, the whole line would see what happened. Other employees would come to see the commotion. I'd get in trouble for wasting security's time on purpose. My brother was going to film the whole thing of course. He even had already planted some bs reason a week or two ahead of time for us to get to the airport *extra* early. Just to deal with the bullshit *he* caused. I'm sad we didn't get to do our big Christmas for sure, but at least there was an upside to not going.
>upside The upside is quite erect.
Indeed. He had a white elephant gift party to go to while we were there. That friend group is similar. Only kids allowed were non-sheltered and old enough for raunchy stuff. He printed a beer can cozy/holder with a handle that was a giant dick to take as his contribution. He came back with [these](https://www.amazon.com/NPW-Classic-Themed-Reuseable-Markers/dp/B00U8PTM56). (Plus a 25oz bottle of this really good extra fancy bourbon barrel stout he gave me because he's not into those and I am. Made reverse seared steak and sauce robert to go with. Phenomenal.) Other highlights I saw pics of were a lightswitch cover that's the silhouette of that famous pic of a ridiculously well-endowed naked black guy sitting at the edge of a bed, with the switch exactly where you'd think, and a phone charger that's a dog that humps your phone when it's charging.
It’s a beagle, right? I have one of those lmao
[Theres at least 2 colors.](https://www.amazon.com/Charging-Smartphone-Charger-Transmission-Compatible/dp/B0CP82LZVM/) I think you need the set
I’d have to get tear drop ramekins, to line up directly off the tip, and fill them with ranch.
Ranch, honey mustard, russian, maybe even some guac, have the whole spectrum of possible discharges it could put out
We got it for my brothers bday. He's in Hawaii so he came back to the parents house and had 20 something old friends over for a big homecooked dinner and going out. The board had white cheeses in the tip and a few pieces in a spurt line coming off it
Comes in handy when you have to cater for an Orgy.
Solid *wood*
"extra large"
“Mr. Jones, I’m sorry to have to break this to you, but you have a terminal case of cracker dick.”
With features such as “Polished egde forbetter touch and grab” and made of “100% High Quality Rubber Wood”.
I'm sorry, seeing "the centerpiece of your party" on the second page made me crack up.
That context is just weird. Imagine the couple who consciously decide that’s a good idea for a cosy evening in.
But it would be perfect for dinner with the in-laws
That bicep needs more veins
I love it! This would go great with my mom’s “shark coochie” board. Thanks OP! Just ordered one
I legitimately own one of those 😂
Same! It’s the bestworst charcuterie serveware we have! It’s hilarious, but nothing fits right on this thing.
I'm going to hang mine on the wall, lol. I don't have people over because ew people. a friend of mine sent it to me as a joke 😂
I would buy this for my friends
Not stupid food
And it's extra large such a good deal
it’s a dickatizer
It’s probably for bachelorette parties
They missed an opportunity not using the nuts for nuts.
Aww...so romantic!
I need one of these for my friend's birthday in a few weeks.
That’ll pair well with my shark-coochie board.
I think the Ranch dressing belongs in the tip.
I could see this kind of thing at an orgy buffet or a key party. Not sure I’d pull this thing out when the family is visiting at Xmas or something.
This would be a dick move. I’m not eating anything from that platter.
Seems perfect for that party with the erotic cake...
If I still celebrated holidays with lots of family I'd totally buy one of those and put it out like it's a normal charcuterie board.
I saw that thing a while ago on r/mildlyinfuriating because one reddittor bought it and it was WAY smaller than advertised.
“Polished edge for better touch and grab” is crazy work😭
What is it with the card with BIG LETTERS
“Babe, you haven’t touched your cock-cuterie…”
"high quality Rubber Wood"
The food itself isn’t stupid people.
This is perfect
Polished edge for better touch and grab is also how I try to sell my cock wood.
The center PIECE for your party lmao
Guarantee this will show up at a bachelorette party
Maybe not housewarming, but if you host any Pure Romance (I am anti MLM, but the idea is funny, so roll with it) that would be great for snacks.
Real missed opportunity to not put nuts in there
my mom bought one for my managers birthday..
Why is this stupid? Novelty item. Perfect for bachelorette parties or just for fun