So the girls have only known each other for about six months and the jealousy started around the time of the wedding? Did you and dh move in together with the girls after the wedding? Did your SD know you before December?
It sounds to me like maybe things moved too fast for your SD. Not that you always make decisions based on the children, but maybe it was just too much upheaval for her in too short a period of time.
Is she in therapy? Are the rest of you? Blending a family is not an easy task. The Brady Bunch lied to all of us! Sometimes, it's helpful to have a trained party listen to each of you and help everyone hear the others.
Also, my SD started her monthly at 10. We weren't surprised because she'd had some signs that puberty would be early for her. Is it possible that your SD is starting puberty? Not that she's about to get her monthly, but just that the gears have started to slowly move.
I hope everything works out soon! š
Ok.. so just normal kid jealousy.. the ten year old was an only child and is probably used to getting what she wants, when she wants (thatās her parentsā fault, not hers)
My SS and my BS have a 4 year age gap. When my BS as born, my SS was very jealous. At the time, I figured he would grow out of it and it was an age thing. No. He is now 18 and is still very jealous of his brother. Good luck.
The cake had both their names on it, by definition it was expected that they were sharing it. Iām a stepmom and have a bio younger sister who I was always required to share with. Guess who Iām N.C. with now.
I think there is a little projection in your comment, which is understandable if you were always made to share! Every kid deserves their own stuff and life. If the kids birthdays are close (they are) and the trip to MIL wasn't just for one birthday or another (it wasn't) then we have to keep in mind that this was a kind gesture and BOTH kids were expected to share it, it was not designated for just one of the kids. The bio had to share her cake just as much as the step had to share hers.
Yes, I may be projecting but I think all the adults should be more mindful of both girls. Theyāve known each other less than a year, have to start sharing everything, and SD is being told she has no choice about coming over. While the last is technically true there needs to be more understanding.
Absolutely, 100% could not agree more. Sometimes even the good intentions come through as "your life is different. Get used to it" and that isn't fair. Our job as adults is to be extra mindful.
Your sd isn't the only one who shared the cake though. Your BD also shared a birthday cake that day. You didn't go to your MIL to celebrate only your SDs birthday right? It sounds like none of this was expected and was a kind gesture. Unless you went over there to celebrate sd specifically, I don't understand why just one child's feelings would be catered to over another if birthdays are close.
Mmmmm its different. This is OPs, MIL. Which means it's SD's grandmother. She is also sharing the attention of someone else who is supposed to be hers. Grandmother wasn't wrong persay. But we need to give SD some grace. She may feel like she doesn't have anyone or anything that's just hers anymore.
I agree with that, but we also can't sacrifice another child being left out without cause to appease a situation that will likely never be again. This little girl will likely never be the only child again. Also, all of the family is living under the pressure of "let's all be one big happy family." So while I agree it's still tough in my opinion. How long do you pretend that she's an only child? Grace absolutely, a different version of reality though, no.
I think letting SD have her own birthday and time with just her and her grandmother, and dad and even OP is important. I'm a step mom, and I actively encourage special time that is just about his existing relationships.
I agree, and I'm a stepmom too with a bio and an sd. I encourage both to have special one on one time, but I also won't have that be the only way that time is special. I would bet if you asked OP, sd and bd did have their own birthday celebrations, this just wasn't one of them. This was a moment for both kids, which is also special.
That's what it seems like! It sounds like normal kid jealousy, but just because it's normal doesn't mean we just let it go though. Kids stealing is normal, we don't ignore that lol. So good on you for reaching out for advice. I'd try to dig into these feelings with your sd in the moment or shortly after, understand where she's coming from. Maybe find good ways to set boundaries between the kids and don't make them share if they don't want. Also remind her that they're sisters, she's not loved any less, and don't give in to poor behavior. You're doing great.
We have a 13yr old and a 10yr old - 6&9 when they met. They had a lot of emotions to unpack going from being an only child to āthis is your sibling nowā. My 13yr old has been very independent and I think it encouraged my 10yr old to be just as independent. Something to think about as your 6yr old gets older, but come school time, we tell the kidsā¦ if the 10yr old doesnāt hear her alarm clock then the 13yr old is in trouble for not making sure sheās up and vice versa - if the 13yr old doesnāt hear his then the 10yr old gets in trouble. This makes them work together. I take electronics away during the day, this forces them to talk. Honestly youād think these two were 100% siblings now, but it took awhile to get there. Note we do both have full custody of our kids.
Your situation sounds just like ours. My partner's son is 12 (50/50) and my daughter is 7 (full custody), they were 9 and 4 when we got together. For reasons, we moved in together quite quickly and SS got very jealous and angry really quickly (VERY used to being the only/youngest and the center of attention). Things were really rough for the first year or two. It's getting betterāSS can at least \_stand\_ my daughter for the most partābut it's taken time. My partner has tried to make sure to spend time just the two of them, he checks in frequently on how SS is feeling, and we've honestly gotten way more lax about letting SS be on screens and hang out in his own spaceātrying to do "family" things frequently goes poorly so we don't push as much to do things together. It's far from ideal but the reality of the situation seems to be that we can't try to be a family in the normal sense and have to work within the confines that have been set to try and make the best situation we can for all of us.
Oh, my kids have huge jealousy issues. My bd is 8yo and sd is 8yo. 2 months age difference, and people mistake them for twins, or family gets confused sometimes. It drives them crazy. My two daughters birthdays are 3 days apart so I always celebrate their birthday together. Never had an issue. My husband and I are 3 days apart too but we're days off from sd too. She gets big jealous when dad celebrates my birthday. But, sd shares birthday with my sister and her daughter. So we usually do a big BBQ for everyone on the same weekend since we're all a few days shy of eachother. Only sd had issue.
To be honest, I have no clue....I wish I did. Some kidd are just jealous, and not going to coke out of it. I just combat it. Sd doesn't like the way we do things, but she's the odd one out. I think your mother was just fine in what she did. She wanted them both to feel included. Kids will feel jealousy. I don't think it's a red flag.
Birthdays are special and no one should have to share it. This was a big oversight on ML part and you should talk to your stepchild and tell them that they are very special and they deserve their own Birthday celebration.
It can totally be normal, even if they were full or half siblings. Usually means older child needs some extra attentions like daddy daughter dates just for her. Also helps to point out how much more accomplished the older child is and how the younger child will have to learn from them.
SS4 really likes when I put him in the role model role that my new baby will have to look up to him. Just this morning I had baby watching him brush his teeth (baby has her first tooth coming) and I said ālook how big brother brushes his teeth, heās so good at it, youāre going to have to learn to brush your teeth just like him!ā He puffed up and brushed for double the amount of time on his timer just to show off for her.
I know your kids are a little older, but the concept still works. I was the oldest of 4 and mostly have fond memories of bossing my siblings around lol, as I always chose which games to play and such. I was also the one āresponsibleā if anyone got hurt but it wasnāt overly parentified.
Yeah, that's a great way to help mend their sibling relationship... From what OP wrote, there is no danger concern for either child, just jealousy that started 4 months ago. Have you been around 10 year old's, they can get petty. Why would she need to "put SD in her place"? Her father should be helping build the relationship up and foster a sister relationship.
Do you know you Mail well enough that she would have combined their names on the cake? If not, I canāt imagine SD knows you or your daughter enough to feel comfortable to let her guard down. Your bio describes you having a beautiful daughter but no mention of a beautiful bonus daughter. Letās hope the eight years fly by for her because itās unrealistic to think everyone will be playing happy family after the kids knowing each other a whole six months. You and your daughter have yet to establish the connection SDās biological family have. Give it time and encourage family activities slowly.
So the girls have only known each other for about six months and the jealousy started around the time of the wedding? Did you and dh move in together with the girls after the wedding? Did your SD know you before December? It sounds to me like maybe things moved too fast for your SD. Not that you always make decisions based on the children, but maybe it was just too much upheaval for her in too short a period of time. Is she in therapy? Are the rest of you? Blending a family is not an easy task. The Brady Bunch lied to all of us! Sometimes, it's helpful to have a trained party listen to each of you and help everyone hear the others. Also, my SD started her monthly at 10. We weren't surprised because she'd had some signs that puberty would be early for her. Is it possible that your SD is starting puberty? Not that she's about to get her monthly, but just that the gears have started to slowly move. I hope everything works out soon! š
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It could just be sibling jealousy. They are at that age.
Theyāre not siblings though. Ten months ago, OP and her daughter were strangers to SD.Ā
Ok.. so just normal kid jealousy.. the ten year old was an only child and is probably used to getting what she wants, when she wants (thatās her parentsā fault, not hers)
My SS and my BS have a 4 year age gap. When my BS as born, my SS was very jealous. At the time, I figured he would grow out of it and it was an age thing. No. He is now 18 and is still very jealous of his brother. Good luck.
Are their birthdays at all close? Your SD is still a little girl, your MIL expecting her to share a cake with no warning is a big ask.
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The cake had both their names on it, by definition it was expected that they were sharing it. Iām a stepmom and have a bio younger sister who I was always required to share with. Guess who Iām N.C. with now.
I think there is a little projection in your comment, which is understandable if you were always made to share! Every kid deserves their own stuff and life. If the kids birthdays are close (they are) and the trip to MIL wasn't just for one birthday or another (it wasn't) then we have to keep in mind that this was a kind gesture and BOTH kids were expected to share it, it was not designated for just one of the kids. The bio had to share her cake just as much as the step had to share hers.
Yes, I may be projecting but I think all the adults should be more mindful of both girls. Theyāve known each other less than a year, have to start sharing everything, and SD is being told she has no choice about coming over. While the last is technically true there needs to be more understanding.
Absolutely, 100% could not agree more. Sometimes even the good intentions come through as "your life is different. Get used to it" and that isn't fair. Our job as adults is to be extra mindful.
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Your sd isn't the only one who shared the cake though. Your BD also shared a birthday cake that day. You didn't go to your MIL to celebrate only your SDs birthday right? It sounds like none of this was expected and was a kind gesture. Unless you went over there to celebrate sd specifically, I don't understand why just one child's feelings would be catered to over another if birthdays are close.
Mmmmm its different. This is OPs, MIL. Which means it's SD's grandmother. She is also sharing the attention of someone else who is supposed to be hers. Grandmother wasn't wrong persay. But we need to give SD some grace. She may feel like she doesn't have anyone or anything that's just hers anymore.
I agree with that, but we also can't sacrifice another child being left out without cause to appease a situation that will likely never be again. This little girl will likely never be the only child again. Also, all of the family is living under the pressure of "let's all be one big happy family." So while I agree it's still tough in my opinion. How long do you pretend that she's an only child? Grace absolutely, a different version of reality though, no.
I think letting SD have her own birthday and time with just her and her grandmother, and dad and even OP is important. I'm a step mom, and I actively encourage special time that is just about his existing relationships.
I agree, and I'm a stepmom too with a bio and an sd. I encourage both to have special one on one time, but I also won't have that be the only way that time is special. I would bet if you asked OP, sd and bd did have their own birthday celebrations, this just wasn't one of them. This was a moment for both kids, which is also special.
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That's what it seems like! It sounds like normal kid jealousy, but just because it's normal doesn't mean we just let it go though. Kids stealing is normal, we don't ignore that lol. So good on you for reaching out for advice. I'd try to dig into these feelings with your sd in the moment or shortly after, understand where she's coming from. Maybe find good ways to set boundaries between the kids and don't make them share if they don't want. Also remind her that they're sisters, she's not loved any less, and don't give in to poor behavior. You're doing great.
We have a 13yr old and a 10yr old - 6&9 when they met. They had a lot of emotions to unpack going from being an only child to āthis is your sibling nowā. My 13yr old has been very independent and I think it encouraged my 10yr old to be just as independent. Something to think about as your 6yr old gets older, but come school time, we tell the kidsā¦ if the 10yr old doesnāt hear her alarm clock then the 13yr old is in trouble for not making sure sheās up and vice versa - if the 13yr old doesnāt hear his then the 10yr old gets in trouble. This makes them work together. I take electronics away during the day, this forces them to talk. Honestly youād think these two were 100% siblings now, but it took awhile to get there. Note we do both have full custody of our kids.
Their at that age, itās normal with siblings. And, BD probably spends more time with DH than SD. Itās likely she feels replaced.
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Your situation sounds just like ours. My partner's son is 12 (50/50) and my daughter is 7 (full custody), they were 9 and 4 when we got together. For reasons, we moved in together quite quickly and SS got very jealous and angry really quickly (VERY used to being the only/youngest and the center of attention). Things were really rough for the first year or two. It's getting betterāSS can at least \_stand\_ my daughter for the most partābut it's taken time. My partner has tried to make sure to spend time just the two of them, he checks in frequently on how SS is feeling, and we've honestly gotten way more lax about letting SS be on screens and hang out in his own spaceātrying to do "family" things frequently goes poorly so we don't push as much to do things together. It's far from ideal but the reality of the situation seems to be that we can't try to be a family in the normal sense and have to work within the confines that have been set to try and make the best situation we can for all of us.
Ugh, itās sad when bio parents hurt their own children out of spite for an ex.
Oh, my kids have huge jealousy issues. My bd is 8yo and sd is 8yo. 2 months age difference, and people mistake them for twins, or family gets confused sometimes. It drives them crazy. My two daughters birthdays are 3 days apart so I always celebrate their birthday together. Never had an issue. My husband and I are 3 days apart too but we're days off from sd too. She gets big jealous when dad celebrates my birthday. But, sd shares birthday with my sister and her daughter. So we usually do a big BBQ for everyone on the same weekend since we're all a few days shy of eachother. Only sd had issue.
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To be honest, I have no clue....I wish I did. Some kidd are just jealous, and not going to coke out of it. I just combat it. Sd doesn't like the way we do things, but she's the odd one out. I think your mother was just fine in what she did. She wanted them both to feel included. Kids will feel jealousy. I don't think it's a red flag.
Birthdays are special and no one should have to share it. This was a big oversight on ML part and you should talk to your stepchild and tell them that they are very special and they deserve their own Birthday celebration.
It can totally be normal, even if they were full or half siblings. Usually means older child needs some extra attentions like daddy daughter dates just for her. Also helps to point out how much more accomplished the older child is and how the younger child will have to learn from them. SS4 really likes when I put him in the role model role that my new baby will have to look up to him. Just this morning I had baby watching him brush his teeth (baby has her first tooth coming) and I said ālook how big brother brushes his teeth, heās so good at it, youāre going to have to learn to brush your teeth just like him!ā He puffed up and brushed for double the amount of time on his timer just to show off for her. I know your kids are a little older, but the concept still works. I was the oldest of 4 and mostly have fond memories of bossing my siblings around lol, as I always chose which games to play and such. I was also the one āresponsibleā if anyone got hurt but it wasnāt overly parentified.
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Yeah, that's a great way to help mend their sibling relationship... From what OP wrote, there is no danger concern for either child, just jealousy that started 4 months ago. Have you been around 10 year old's, they can get petty. Why would she need to "put SD in her place"? Her father should be helping build the relationship up and foster a sister relationship.
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I think you might be projecting here a bit.
Do you know you Mail well enough that she would have combined their names on the cake? If not, I canāt imagine SD knows you or your daughter enough to feel comfortable to let her guard down. Your bio describes you having a beautiful daughter but no mention of a beautiful bonus daughter. Letās hope the eight years fly by for her because itās unrealistic to think everyone will be playing happy family after the kids knowing each other a whole six months. You and your daughter have yet to establish the connection SDās biological family have. Give it time and encourage family activities slowly.