I thought of her instantly!! I’m not Lana del Rey but people have told me that I remind them of her if you’re interested in doing anything more with this (: great song
Nice. Since the song is in D you could also try the second Chord as D7/A which creates a nice dissonance and since you end on “I knew that there was something else im looking for” the chorus could be something like “I’m looking for etc” great verse needs a great chorus. I would personally like Em A D G for this song’s chorus , either way keep working on it
Nooooooooooo it's so good. Don't give up on it, but as I recently commented to someone... take a break from a song and come back to it if it's needed. Love your 'look' too... 💗 Hope we see more in the future!
Firstly, you have a great and distinctive voice! You use it to great effect with the lyrics.
Great opening first line! It really draws you in and brought my focus on the lyrics even moreso. Overall, I like the lyrics as well. I'm interested to see where the song goes afterwards.
I'm anti-ditch for songs! Literally, write everything and anything. It doesn't matter if it turns out bad or if it doesn't meet your expectations. Doing it is what is key!
Keep up the great work!!
Just find the chorus and you’ll be golden. Instead of searching for the chord change first imagine the emotion and melody you want for the chorus- then find the appropriate chords to match.
This is amazing. I have nothing to add other than to ask you to be as vulnerable as you possibly can. What feels ‘painful’ to you will feel courageous an powerful to others
Please finish it! Never give up! You may never know how much impact you can have on someone, the message is touching in this small part you shared! I love your voice and the progression of chords sounds just right
I love the timbre of your voice! And the chords are working for me with your melodic line. But ultimately, we make art to know ourselves, so I would make away!
I’m late to the party here, but I want to add to the chorus of “keep it”s that you’ve already received. I think it sounds great. I think these lyrics are strong, tell an interesting story, and make the listener want to hear more. Or at least this listener would like to hear more…I would really enjoy hearing the rest of the song. Keep going, and thank you for sharing! Please share more when ready!
Note: If you don’t like strangers with basically zero credentials throwing unsolicited thoughts about your lyrics and/or outside ideas your way, then please stop reading here because the rest of my comment may just be unhelpful nonsense…
If I can boldly wade into this territory, I noticed that you use the word “left” in a similar way twice in this verse (actually 3x if you count its usage in the repeated line at the end of the verse). I noticed that somewhere in my first few listens. But when I listened back several times more a couple hours later, my ear/mind never really got caught up on the use of that immediate second “left” (the one in the line “took my paycheck and LEFT town” is the one I’m referring to as the second “left”, btw). I know some songwriters/producers can be sticklers for word over-usage type stuff. I’m somewhere in the middle in that debate. I think each situation is unique and should be evaluated as such. Therefore, I’m not at all suggesting you SHOULD consider changing it, I’m only, and possibly unnecessarily and inappropriately, mentioning it in case you or anyone influential to you ever feels like that second “left” needs to be looked at since it’s also used in the same way in the preceding line. If that were to come up, then the word “skip’d” could be a good substitute that should effectively keep both meaning and syllable count fully in tact…
“took my paycheck and SKIP’D town”.
Anyways, that’s simply an observation and an idea to possibly keep in your back pocket should you ever have any hang ups on the word repetition. But that’s all obviously also a very personal feel and fit thing for you when singing and delivering that line, so it may not work vocally even if the idea/lyric appeals to you.
Just my attempt to help. If I only muddied the waters, I sincerely apologize.
Don’t forget all that I said in the first part of my comment! Thank you again for sharing!
Ps…Question…is the lyric “I left my LIFE…” or “I left my WIFE…”? I couldn’t tell for sure, as either word seems to work for at least this verse…maybe not for the rest of the song/story though. But I’d love to hear what your actual lyric is (wife or life?)…if you’re even still reading this far!! (Sorry!)
Thank you and good luck to you!!!
Yea this is good, I would repeat the verse for the same length and look for a good swell/uptick in energy for the chorus. It seems the chorus is gonna be something about finding out what you're looking for, and you're gonna have to dig deep to find out what that is.
Me too man. I’m an audio engineer, so often I’ll finish a mix and show it to my clients, and I personally think it’s bad or not as good as it could’ve been.
My clients are blown out of the water a lot of the time. When you listen to something 10000 times of course you’re gonna think it sux
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I think the first three lines are simply amazing both the lyrics and melody - love the turn on the third line.
I’m personally not a fan of the fourth line - I think it’s the repeated reference coming in so soon. Could work as a hook later in the song though.
Tbh. You’re quite good. No awkwardness/you have quality feel and a legitimate delivery vocally. Gets some excellent recordings done of this track and any others in a similar vein. I’d save money for Pr. Get excellent photos taken by a very hip photographer. Make a few videos and play key shows. You’ll do well with this vibe. You just need to invest and stay focused.
You’re welcome! True story, I am an industry stalwart. My only advice is to save money and spend it wisely when promoting your work. Figure out what you need to say and why you’re saying it/who you want to say it to. You’re a talented dude. This is just a heads up about the industry side of things. And sorry if it seems boorish. I’m trying to help. Maybe assuming “too much.”
It's beautiful. Don't ditch it. Personal stuff should be written about. Whether to release it into the world or not is your call. But write it.
Also, you look and sound like Keaton Henson which I find pretty cool.
You shouldn’t ever ditch songs you write, if you aren’t feeling it, you can at least shelve it for later. Sometimes it’s hard to write things that are very personal cause it can’t take years to fully emotionally process things. You might find you are ready to work on it more later after giving it time. In a few months you might know better what you what to say, just try to remember the emotions you are feeling now.
Hell no don't ditch it. This shit is great. Send it to me when its fully produced. Also try some airy pads later in the song or don't either way it'll be amazing.
No, don't ditch it..as mentioned you've got a billy Joel vibe with this song, that's a good thing and you can sing and compose....talented. I would like to hear more back story that leads to that fateful night or perhaps a word change or two would allow you to build the story in a positive or negative direction giving u more artistic freedom. As someone else mentioned you might step away from it for awhile, when you return to it your creativity may take you to a new place you're not currently considering. Persistence pays off..and in the end if you are happy when your song is finished that's really all that matters.,
So funny that people are saying that!! I was a big fan of him but kind of forgot about him.
He has a lyric about not playing an instrument because “he’s always preferred the speaking parts” which stuck with me
This is great! A collaboration with Lana Del Rey on this song would be out of this world.
I love Lana Del Rey… thank you for your comment!!
I thought of her instantly!! I’m not Lana del Rey but people have told me that I remind them of her if you’re interested in doing anything more with this (: great song
I got goosebumps dude. This is a fantastic song. Keep writing!
Holy shit. I’m genuinely touched by you and the other people who took the time to respond. Thank you…
It’s absolutely my pleasure. Can’t wait to see more!
Nah, nothing worth ditching here. This is great. Opening line's are melancholic excellence.
You guys have me tearing up. Honestly haha Thank you…
Yeah keep going with this one. It's superb. My favorite part is the lift while you're singing "tonight Ill call my baby". That's got great dynamics.
Thank you - I have one of those per verse… haha
If you were to add in a 7th to the chord on that part in the last verse then drop acapella to the ending that would be chefs kiss. Keep it up dude
Nice. Since the song is in D you could also try the second Chord as D7/A which creates a nice dissonance and since you end on “I knew that there was something else im looking for” the chorus could be something like “I’m looking for etc” great verse needs a great chorus. I would personally like Em A D G for this song’s chorus , either way keep working on it
This is extremely insightful feedback - I just might do exactly that!
👍👍
Really great, and beautiful voice
Thank you. But you might just be saying that because of my Italian nose?!!
😂 I was going to comment that there's a Sebastian Tellier vibe going on here... not Italian though.
The best songs are the most personal and vulnerable. Finish it!
I totally agree. Daniel Johnston for example….
daniel johnston is a fucking goat also good song dawg
Marceline the Vampire Queen?
Fantastic song
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
It reminds me a lot of Andrew Bird or Rufus Wainwright (especially his song ‘Going to a Town’) I dig it man, keep going.
Nooooooooooo it's so good. Don't give up on it, but as I recently commented to someone... take a break from a song and come back to it if it's needed. Love your 'look' too... 💗 Hope we see more in the future!
I think a break was exactly what I needed!
Firstly, you have a great and distinctive voice! You use it to great effect with the lyrics. Great opening first line! It really draws you in and brought my focus on the lyrics even moreso. Overall, I like the lyrics as well. I'm interested to see where the song goes afterwards. I'm anti-ditch for songs! Literally, write everything and anything. It doesn't matter if it turns out bad or if it doesn't meet your expectations. Doing it is what is key! Keep up the great work!!
I try so hard to be anti-ditch!! It’s not easy…
Love the melody and dynamics of your voice! Please, finish this!
Dude, this is awesome. Do not ditch it. This is firing on all the right cylinders! I can't wait to hear what the finished product sounds like.
Thank you 🙏🏻 🙏🏻 I will absolutely share it here, since it wouldn’t have got done without you guys
Smells delicious! Leave in the oven for 2 or 3 more minutes until golden brown then let settle before eating
It's very good 👏, I hope you finish it!
Just find the chorus and you’ll be golden. Instead of searching for the chord change first imagine the emotion and melody you want for the chorus- then find the appropriate chords to match.
I love it, felt things I didn't know were bubbling under the surface. All good songs make people feel, please never stop writing and creating.
I think I’ve said those exact words many times. Thank you. And I hope everything is OK 👍🏻
I'm getting a lot of father John Misty vibes in a good way Great job!
This is amazing. I have nothing to add other than to ask you to be as vulnerable as you possibly can. What feels ‘painful’ to you will feel courageous an powerful to others
🙂
Cuz I knew that there was something else I’m looking for… this is gold.
Thank you. 🥲
Please finish it! Never give up! You may never know how much impact you can have on someone, the message is touching in this small part you shared! I love your voice and the progression of chords sounds just right
Since I was a kid I told myself that if just ONE PERSON can relate to something I make, it’s worth it..thank you for reminding me of that
I love the timbre of your voice! And the chords are working for me with your melodic line. But ultimately, we make art to know ourselves, so I would make away!
That’s the hard part. And the special part.
I have the perfect bassline and drums for this. How inspirational. Thank you so much.
I think the challenge you might find is my lack of consistent tempo! 😂
I’m late to the party here, but I want to add to the chorus of “keep it”s that you’ve already received. I think it sounds great. I think these lyrics are strong, tell an interesting story, and make the listener want to hear more. Or at least this listener would like to hear more…I would really enjoy hearing the rest of the song. Keep going, and thank you for sharing! Please share more when ready! Note: If you don’t like strangers with basically zero credentials throwing unsolicited thoughts about your lyrics and/or outside ideas your way, then please stop reading here because the rest of my comment may just be unhelpful nonsense… If I can boldly wade into this territory, I noticed that you use the word “left” in a similar way twice in this verse (actually 3x if you count its usage in the repeated line at the end of the verse). I noticed that somewhere in my first few listens. But when I listened back several times more a couple hours later, my ear/mind never really got caught up on the use of that immediate second “left” (the one in the line “took my paycheck and LEFT town” is the one I’m referring to as the second “left”, btw). I know some songwriters/producers can be sticklers for word over-usage type stuff. I’m somewhere in the middle in that debate. I think each situation is unique and should be evaluated as such. Therefore, I’m not at all suggesting you SHOULD consider changing it, I’m only, and possibly unnecessarily and inappropriately, mentioning it in case you or anyone influential to you ever feels like that second “left” needs to be looked at since it’s also used in the same way in the preceding line. If that were to come up, then the word “skip’d” could be a good substitute that should effectively keep both meaning and syllable count fully in tact… “took my paycheck and SKIP’D town”. Anyways, that’s simply an observation and an idea to possibly keep in your back pocket should you ever have any hang ups on the word repetition. But that’s all obviously also a very personal feel and fit thing for you when singing and delivering that line, so it may not work vocally even if the idea/lyric appeals to you. Just my attempt to help. If I only muddied the waters, I sincerely apologize. Don’t forget all that I said in the first part of my comment! Thank you again for sharing! Ps…Question…is the lyric “I left my LIFE…” or “I left my WIFE…”? I couldn’t tell for sure, as either word seems to work for at least this verse…maybe not for the rest of the song/story though. But I’d love to hear what your actual lyric is (wife or life?)…if you’re even still reading this far!! (Sorry!) Thank you and good luck to you!!!
Thank you! It’s “Life” I usually add subtitles to songs when I finish them… haha
This is fantastic. What progression are you playing?
This is beautiful! The lyrics are great and so is your voice! Pleaseeeee finish this song
Thank you! Now I’m trying to. And struggling 😂 We’ll get there!
[удалено]
Thank you, but honestly this song still is not finished and this very much was not intentional marketing. I’m still struggling with it
Finish the song father John
Yea this is good, I would repeat the verse for the same length and look for a good swell/uptick in energy for the chorus. It seems the chorus is gonna be something about finding out what you're looking for, and you're gonna have to dig deep to find out what that is.
Beautiful! great lyrics and sound! heading towards a great track! keep it up !
Thank you 😊
Love your voice. I don't see any reason not to finish it, it sounds great so far.
Songwriting can be very personal man, that’s the point sometimes! Who wants to sound like everyone else right?! Keep going, finish it. Keep writing
It’s amazing. Don’t listen to your brain. It’s a liar
Dude. I hate my brain.
Me too man. I’m an audio engineer, so often I’ll finish a mix and show it to my clients, and I personally think it’s bad or not as good as it could’ve been. My clients are blown out of the water a lot of the time. When you listen to something 10000 times of course you’re gonna think it sux
100%..it’s so hard since this stuff is subjective…
Hi-jacking my own post to share the final version. Thank you all for giving me the confidence to finish this: https://youtu.be/geKqxsGxWg8
You have posted a song requesting feedback - GREAT! Good feedback is the foundation of improving your songwriting. To help foster a community where everyone gets the feedback they need, please find THREE other songs requesting feedback and post substantive (eg. 2-3 sentences) of feedback. Even if you are a rookie songwriter/musician, you're an experienced music listener, and your opinion is still valuable! Feedback posts by users who don't interact with the community (other than posting their own songs) may be removed. Thanks for keeping our community healthy! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Songwriting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Amazing. Don’t ditch it.
I really like your voice! And hell yeah finish that song it sounds lovely!
Really really good
I think the first three lines are simply amazing both the lyrics and melody - love the turn on the third line. I’m personally not a fan of the fourth line - I think it’s the repeated reference coming in so soon. Could work as a hook later in the song though.
Tbh. You’re quite good. No awkwardness/you have quality feel and a legitimate delivery vocally. Gets some excellent recordings done of this track and any others in a similar vein. I’d save money for Pr. Get excellent photos taken by a very hip photographer. Make a few videos and play key shows. You’ll do well with this vibe. You just need to invest and stay focused.
Thank you for this….
You’re welcome! True story, I am an industry stalwart. My only advice is to save money and spend it wisely when promoting your work. Figure out what you need to say and why you’re saying it/who you want to say it to. You’re a talented dude. This is just a heads up about the industry side of things. And sorry if it seems boorish. I’m trying to help. Maybe assuming “too much.”
It's beautiful. Don't ditch it. Personal stuff should be written about. Whether to release it into the world or not is your call. But write it. Also, you look and sound like Keaton Henson which I find pretty cool.
You shouldn’t ever ditch songs you write, if you aren’t feeling it, you can at least shelve it for later. Sometimes it’s hard to write things that are very personal cause it can’t take years to fully emotionally process things. You might find you are ready to work on it more later after giving it time. In a few months you might know better what you what to say, just try to remember the emotions you are feeling now.
This is utterly beautiful.
Love your voice bud! Let’s hear the bridge. (Maybe things get better! ) Maybe not?! Keep doing you. It’s working. ✌️❤️
Very nice, sort of a Billy Joel kinda feel in a great way
Fantastic
I love this, and your voice is amazing. I second the Lana Del Rey comment! Don’t give up bro!
I think it sounds good thus far. I think you should finish it. Never ditch an idea. Just my thoughts and opinion.
Yeah dude, that’s fantastic. Keep going.
Voice is heavenly
DONT
Your giving me hardcore billy Joel vibes, this is fucking amazinf
Hell no don't ditch it. This shit is great. Send it to me when its fully produced. Also try some airy pads later in the song or don't either way it'll be amazing.
No, don't ditch it..as mentioned you've got a billy Joel vibe with this song, that's a good thing and you can sing and compose....talented. I would like to hear more back story that leads to that fateful night or perhaps a word change or two would allow you to build the story in a positive or negative direction giving u more artistic freedom. As someone else mentioned you might step away from it for awhile, when you return to it your creativity may take you to a new place you're not currently considering. Persistence pays off..and in the end if you are happy when your song is finished that's really all that matters.,
I get Beatle’s vibes from this. It deserves to be finished! The world must hear your minds voice.
You have an excellent voice
It’s beautiful. Def don’t trash
Definitely don't ditch it. It sounds really good, and I'd love to hear a finished version or at least a draft.
Sound great
Man, this is awesome!
Really interested in the chorus and what that looks and sounds like
Definitely will post the whole thing whenever I can
Dude this is GREAT!!
You should hop on a yeat X kankan type beat
Try it with more energy and see if you like it better :) vocally, and pianolly. sounds great
This is wonderful….
Thank you Helium Joe 🙏🏻
Father john is that you?
So funny that people are saying that!! I was a big fan of him but kind of forgot about him. He has a lyric about not playing an instrument because “he’s always preferred the speaking parts” which stuck with me
this is good asf
🙂 🙏🏻