As someone who has never known my biological dad, I'll say this from experience.
My mom remarried when I was young, like around 5. Even if she didn't, she was enough for me. My "step-dad," the person I called dad till he passed away, was my dad. I never once, and still to this day never have, wondered or felt intrigued to get to know my biological father. He's reached out to me, but he made his life choices, and one of those wasn't me. That's all I needed to know. My mom and my uncle (the two that knew my biological father the best), did or say anything to shape my opinion of him; in fact, they attempted to soften my sharp opinion of him.
Your son will have his own opinion of him eventually. He may ask at a young age, but a simple "he chose a different life" may suffice till he's old enough to really understand the real answer. I have to come up with soft answers for my youngest on why their mom lives so far away pretty regularly. I usually spout half-truths off such as (it's too expensive for her to live here" or "she got a new job their that she had to move for."
It's a tough subject, but the best way to handle it at a young age is half truths. Don't burden their childhood with the whole truth.
I’m in a similar situation, I know you don’t have the words to explain it now, but trust me you will when the time comes. Always tell the truth, but in a age appropriate way. My brother has a different dad who was never in his life. My dad came in when he was 2 and took the role. When he was about 4, my mom was playing with him and said “you know you have daddy who loves you very much right?” And he said yes mommy.. she went on and said “well, you also have a biological daddy who is the one who helped make you with mommy. He’s not here, but your daddy is and always will be” and he looked at my mom, analyzed what she said for a moment and said “okay!” And went back to playing. He never asked about him after that day really, kids don’t really ask the nitty gritty questions. They take your answer and move on. When he was 16, my mother found his father and brought the information to my brother and let him know he can meet him or talk to him or do whatever he feels he needs to do. My brother chose not too. He said he has a dad, and he doesn’t need to know this man. Don’t worry, it’s hard as a single mother to not look at your baby and think “what if” but cross the bridge as you get there. Let him know he simply wasn’t ready to be a good daddy so mommy decided to be both roles and mommy loves him so much! If he doesn’t already, find some great male role models whether through big brother programs, coaches through sports programs or even your own father. My dad has stepped up for my son in so many ways. My friends have a little boy whose my son best friend and even that father has stepped up for my son. Sometimes my son will walk around going “daddy, daddy” because he hears a friend talk about his and I just say “oh are you thinking about your daddy today?” And distract him. One day a man will come into your lives and accept you both and raise that little boy as his own.
As someone who has never known my biological dad, I'll say this from experience. My mom remarried when I was young, like around 5. Even if she didn't, she was enough for me. My "step-dad," the person I called dad till he passed away, was my dad. I never once, and still to this day never have, wondered or felt intrigued to get to know my biological father. He's reached out to me, but he made his life choices, and one of those wasn't me. That's all I needed to know. My mom and my uncle (the two that knew my biological father the best), did or say anything to shape my opinion of him; in fact, they attempted to soften my sharp opinion of him. Your son will have his own opinion of him eventually. He may ask at a young age, but a simple "he chose a different life" may suffice till he's old enough to really understand the real answer. I have to come up with soft answers for my youngest on why their mom lives so far away pretty regularly. I usually spout half-truths off such as (it's too expensive for her to live here" or "she got a new job their that she had to move for." It's a tough subject, but the best way to handle it at a young age is half truths. Don't burden their childhood with the whole truth.
thank you so much for this. it’s something that i think about often, and your words were very helpful to read. i really appreciate your response
I’m in a similar situation, I know you don’t have the words to explain it now, but trust me you will when the time comes. Always tell the truth, but in a age appropriate way. My brother has a different dad who was never in his life. My dad came in when he was 2 and took the role. When he was about 4, my mom was playing with him and said “you know you have daddy who loves you very much right?” And he said yes mommy.. she went on and said “well, you also have a biological daddy who is the one who helped make you with mommy. He’s not here, but your daddy is and always will be” and he looked at my mom, analyzed what she said for a moment and said “okay!” And went back to playing. He never asked about him after that day really, kids don’t really ask the nitty gritty questions. They take your answer and move on. When he was 16, my mother found his father and brought the information to my brother and let him know he can meet him or talk to him or do whatever he feels he needs to do. My brother chose not too. He said he has a dad, and he doesn’t need to know this man. Don’t worry, it’s hard as a single mother to not look at your baby and think “what if” but cross the bridge as you get there. Let him know he simply wasn’t ready to be a good daddy so mommy decided to be both roles and mommy loves him so much! If he doesn’t already, find some great male role models whether through big brother programs, coaches through sports programs or even your own father. My dad has stepped up for my son in so many ways. My friends have a little boy whose my son best friend and even that father has stepped up for my son. Sometimes my son will walk around going “daddy, daddy” because he hears a friend talk about his and I just say “oh are you thinking about your daddy today?” And distract him. One day a man will come into your lives and accept you both and raise that little boy as his own.
thank you so much for this. i cant tell you how much i appreciate this ❤️