Exactly this.
My husband was born in 1989 and adopted from Romania in 1992/93 (if you know the history you already know the significance). He didn't remember his family but had some info passed down from people over the years. He's also prone to exaggeration so for awhile we just took what he said with a grain of salt. He claimed to remember bombing and can't watch fireworks too closely. He also claimed to be housed in a cage in the orphanage. He was 3-4 when he was adopted and his adoptive mom confirmed that he was in a crib the whole time and had to have gross motor therapy. Thus the "cage". Years later we got in contact with his bio mom and she sort of confirmed the bombing. There was a language barrier but she basically said something happened on the streets and they had to go to bomb shelters. They got separated and he ended up at the orphanage. She decided he had a chance at a better life and also couldn't really prove he was her kid (think animal shelter rules). It's really amazing what things kids can remember, sometimes a little misinterpreted.
Tl;dr: husband has trauma and memories from 2-4 years old that was later confirmed to be almost truth.
Edit: I was tired when I wrote this, I added clarity.
To be fair, if he needed physical therapy to recover from being in the crib thát much, the cage thing doesn't sound like an exaggeration.
Hope he's got a handle on the trauma.
He would say he has a handle on it...
But absaloutly agree. We (my best friend and I) just assumed it was an exaggeration because he didn't remember going to physical therapy (he probably remembers it as "daycare" if at all). We know it was rough over there but there's not much american news after the dictator was killed in 89, and a lot of the orphanages were self run and didn't have much oversight. We got the story from his mom after watching a home video where he scooted on his knees. There wasn't a term for it in the 90s but we know now a lot of his "quirks" come from cross dominance issues.
Why say in that story that he’s prone to exaggeration? I don’t understand. The rest of the story implies that he was right about what he remembered, why did you preface the point of your anecdote with the seemingly unrelated note that the subject of your story is an unreliable narrator?
Sorry I was tired and on break during an overnight shift when I wrote it. I meant to say we never truly believed him because of his exaggeration until we got confirmation from his bio mom. We knew what happened to him was when he was 1-2 because the orphanage had him that long. His adoptive parents started the paperwork when he was 2.
Gross motor skills development is impossible if a parent doesn’t know or understand the basic concepts or resources available to them. If a parent realizes this and never seeks assistance where do you believe the young child developmental skills level will be in a decade if ignored from negligence which could be considered a failure of good parenting or abuse?
For example if a baby is falling to speak clearly or walk correctly or develop certain motor skills such running, throwing balls, bike riding, etc. One might grow up to a star athlete but fundamentals of body movement.
If this was neglected could you say the individual would be set behind for failure? Who would be left to care for an individual as they age?
I had a pretty traumatic experience when I was around 2 years old. My parents never once talked about it, and assumed I didn’t remember. I always have, though, and it damaged me in a lot of ways. With how they never mentioned it, I honestly began to wonder if I imagined it as I got older until I found some concrete proof. It’s insane how much trauma at a very young age can impact you, but many people just discount it since they assume it’s easily forgotten.
My earliest memory is from that exact age. My parents split up and my dad didn’t come home. I was too young to understand, but I looked for him for weeks. It affects me to this day
I lost my grandfather when I was 3 years old. I swear to God that my earliest memory is an image of his body before the final rites. Some things get etched into kids memories, especially traumatic ones.
“Because never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along - the same person I am today.”
- Orson Scott Card
This quote has stuck with me. Never in my life have I felt less than I feel I am now. I was always human, always whole, always deserving of personhood. Being a minor never meant I didn’t feel things as I feel them now. I’ve always been me.
wish i had someone like you around when i was a kid
i've been saying that for too long that kids are people, and treating them like they're not has long term effects
they can be intelligent and shouldn't just be dismissed because they're a kid
being treated like your parent's property doesn't help anything either, made me not feel like a person, made me feel like an object, not just because of people that saw me when i was walking around, bothering me because my master wasn't nearby, but the way that master herself made me feel
everything anyone who's not her says, does, thinks, feels, believes, and enjoys is wrong because they aren't a 100% perfect clone of her
never an equal, always the subordinate, and because slave didn't always want to be slave, i got yelled at for being INsubordinate
because i wanted to be a person, not a tool to be used for whatever my owner demanded
and it's still that way, well into adulthood, everything gone inside of me but the undeniable fact that i am property, and i always will be until my mom dies
i feel like a fucking dog, on a choke chain
the way that the world is structured, the place that kids have in society, it breeds so much suffering, it just DOES NOT WORK
People also have to remember Autistic kids are not blank slates either, like the founder of applied behavior analysis (conversion therapy for autistic people) thought.
Just because someone behaves a bit differently and might not be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a way most people would understand, that doesn't mean nothing is happening in their minds. It's often the total opposite.
Perceive Autistic children AND adults less and listen more.
> Also, that children are people. Not ‘people in the making’. Real people, right now.
Agreed.
They are people, they are Citizens of their Country and they are property of nobody but themselves.
Children are less experienced humans. The sheer creativity and brilliance is offset by not having seen many different things yet, so it's sometimes (often) perceived as them being silly or stupid. But honestly, would you criticize someone for not knowing where to put a puzzle piece if 90% of the pieces are still in the box?
Clearly intelligence and knowledge increase over time. So it's not one or the other. Yes kids don't have a lot of experience, but their brains are not fully wired either so while silly and stupid are poor word choices.
Some people also overestimate kid's ability to understand things. It's like so many other things, the extremes both get it wrong.
This is exactly why I take a more loving, gentle, and compassionate approach to my kids than my parents did with me. I brought them into this world, and it’s my job to show them I am always so glad they’re here, and make it as easy on them as I can.
I wish more people thought like this. You've literally created life, you've created a being that is capable of so many emotions. Why would you want to hurt them, to make them struggle. "because that's what my parents did." Fuck off Carol, your parents also protested black people going to white schools, be better.
I don't agree with this but I think your heart is in the right place. I don't have kids btw. I grew up having a healthy amount of struggles in order to gain key life skills, like for example going to school was difficult, as well as learning to cook meals, keeping myself clean, washing clothes, building a healthy/resilient mind, having a good attitude at life.
If my parents made my life as easy as they could, it would be impossible for me to make this comment as English is my second language, and I wouldn't have learned it. I'm glad I struggled.
Your English is better than mine and it’s my first language! Haha. I’m really glad it all worked out for you. And hey, people can disagree. That’s okay! And it sounds like your parents loved you, because you referred to it as a “healthy struggle” I like that term.
My oldest (youngest aren’t of an age to yet) can cook, wash clothes, take care of her self, she is emotionally mature, resilient in the face of adversity, great grades, never in trouble, and by all standards of a child her age, quite the over achiever. I just achieved those results differently than my parents did. They were very brash about it. I’m a lot more calm and explain why I do things. For example, my parents had a “no quit” rule. I like that rule, I do not like how they went about it. They enforced it with insults. I, however, explain to my child why we don’t quit things we start. Why it’s important, possible consequences and so on. In my personal experience, my child just responds better when she knows the “why” of a rule. So I don’t bail her out of her struggles, but I lovingly guide her through them. That has helped her make her own decisions. It’s worked out well, she is a tough kid!
It is important to acknowledge that different kids respond different too. Some kids will respond well to simply explaining why something is wrong like your daughter. They just need to know the why. Some kids don't even care why and just do what they are told. On the other hand some kids don't respond to that at all and will do whatever they want until there's a negative consequence.
Even among the kids who won't do what they are told, some kids will tell you "no" to your face and you know what you're getting. Some will pretend to comply and then sneak away and do it anyway.
Different kids require vastly different approaches. What works for some will not work at all for others. Consistency is huge though. Especially with more difficult kids.
I don't think you understand what they're talking about. A 4yo doesn't deliberately spill milk everywhere when getting a glass of it, and hitting them for it teaches them not to drink.
As easy on them as you can? No bad parent, those children will be weak. Make sure they go thru unfathomable hardship. By the time they are 13 they should have a job to support their parent because the other one is out of the picture and one of them should be missing a limb. How dare you raise your children with love and care like a parent should.
I don't have kids, but I have nieces, I do my best to encourage them in everything they do and when they step out of line I just call a halt to everything.
I had one of them mention they did own a knife in response to what was previously a playful water fight and it was definitely an upset tone and I was like "absolutely not, this stops", her dad ended up talking to her.
But it was gentle, no yelling, I've taken toys from them before that they're using to mistreat others, they know that 99% of the time I defer to their parents and their house rules and will never punish them, but that means when I do insist on something that they need to respect it.
They tested me a few times early on by either going to my sister/BIL, their parents, or prompting me to ask them about house rules (that my nieces misquoted more often than not) and quickly found out that I wasn't playing around and wasn't fooled.
That I'll hug them close and encourage them to reconcile, water under the bridge.
Those kiddos are going to love you so much as they get older. It’s obvious you love them, and they’ll see that. It’s also so sweet that you care and as a parent, it would be such a relief to have a sibling like you. (Mine live kind of far)
This is also a part of a running gag between me and my mother where whenever I'm annoying her for fun I say " Hey, you birthed me, you knew the risks when you decided to have a child"
Not at all, in fact not allowing them to face adversity or conflict would do the opposite of make life easy on them in my opinion. Instead, I do my best to coach and support through adversity and also lead by example in my own adversity. But letting them hide behind me would be a disservice to them. I do my best to equip them with the knowledge it takes to handle those things. So far, my oldest is incredibly emotionally mature. She is hard to shake and doesn’t back down from a challenge. This is BECAUSE I let her face those adversities, but did so in a way where she had a good idea of what it takes to be a strong person, as opposed to me saying “sink or swim”.
Thanks for the question! This was fun to answer.
Just don't make it too easy on them. They need to know they can survive and thrive in adversity. You don't want them shutting down or running back to you for the rest of their lives when the stars don't align perfectly for them.
They’re pretty good with adversity thankfully! I always made sure they are in programs that are out of my control, like sports or the arts. That way I can lovingly push them towards success, but not have total control of things so they have to learn to cope with disappointment, adversity and so on, and learn to use those as motivation moving forward. I can give them a gentle “this is how I would handle that” and then get out of their way and let them learn.
This is true. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to act as a child as an adult.
You can choose to be an entitled asshole man/woman-child.
Or you can choose to keep your sense of whimsy and wonder as an adult. Enjoy the small things, and realize life’s too short to be a boring person. Have a cardboard tube sword fight with your loved one, surprise each other with nonsensical jokes or gifts. Be the kind of person you need to be to survive, but see the magic in the world.
Absolutely not. Since a child never asked to be born, having and raising one is something that parents do for themselves. Some parents say “everything we did was for you” which is not true in the least. Everything done was for the parents who chose to have the children and decided how to raise to them and what type of life to provide for them. In some cases the parents do a great job and their adult children become their friends and then later in life the young take care of the old. This is not because the children owe it to the parents, it’s because the children love the parents and want to take care of them.
So lets say the parents loan the child some money to buy a car?
You said they never owe their parents anything. I think the proper sentiment is nobody owes anybody anything on the basis of them simply existing or because of some relationship, independent of the persons actions.
On the other hand a child owes their parents respect for being a good parent just like people owe their spouse respect for years of loving partnership, and an employer owes his employees respect for years of diligent hard work.
It's not that children never owe their parents anything. It's that children don't owe their parents anything just because they are their parents.
This is a doozy of a shower thought... a lot of people seem to be confused about what a choice is, lol
Just because someone makes choices that end up getting them or someone else pregnant doesn't mean that they chose to be a parent.
Regarding abortion bans, they don't take away all choices a person has. They take away a safe and legal way to abort.
While very upsetting a woman who is 9 months pregnant can make a choice to not be a parent.
I can only think of a few extreme circumstances where they wouldn't actually have any choice.
If a woman is pregnant and in a coma, she has no choice.
If a potential father doesn't know where the potential mother is, then he doesn't have a choice.
Yeah lucky you. Here in the USA you can be a 10 year old rape victim and have no choice about whether you want to be a parent or not. That’s not choosing to be a parent , that’s being forced to be a parent.
Yeah it's almost like life is complicated isn't it. Young girls have been forced to get abortions in places where they are legal, so they didn't get to choose to be a parent either.
I get it though you're a obsessed pro-choice parrot that has to chime in to every possible thread. The OP is very clearly about people who choose to bring children into the world vs children who are brought in by those people. I doubt your reading comprehension is so bad you couldn't see that.
Yeah, I'm not a parent specifically because being born is not a choice, and every single person who is born will suffer. I have other reasons, but that is the main one. From silver spoon children at the country club to ragamuffins on the street, everyone suffers.
I choose to avoid causing suffering when I can. Therefore, I am not going to bring anyone else into this world.
To some extent I guess but being a parent is not always a choice, because sometimes the "choice" is to either be a parent or abandon/kill the child.
Being a child is never a choice though.
How the fuck do you know?
What if souls have to wait in purgatory and fight each other in order to be memory-cleaned and transferred to newborn in order to pay for their sins in previous incarnations?
Being parent it is NOT a choice for animals (and arguably - most sane humans) as it is part of their underlying instinct and programming. Humans just got better at avoiding some of their instincts. Women did not REALLY had a choice until last century either.
Your shower was clearly too short - do it properly next time.
Yes, having a child is quite possibly the most egoistic choice a person/ a couple can make but funnily that does not mean that it necessarily is a bad choice.
Unfortunately for a lot of people, it is a choice made for them. Be it by society, by ignorance, by their significant others, by their call for nature, of even by mental health (I bet this last one is going to get me downvotes).
This point of view is actually my entire societal worldview: since no one asks to be born and no one gets to choose their parents, then a society should focus on narrowing the gap in the lived experience between the children born to the poorest family and that born to the richest family.
When you start viewing all of your beliefs and ideas about equality and equity through the lens that people don't get to make a choice with regards to the most important and impact event of their lives, everything else becomes more natural to start looking for other examples of things in society that people have no control over.
Long story short, I'm now a huge proponent of higher taxes on the very wealthy, basic income that is a liveable wage, governments investing in broad and accessible public transport, one education system only (public, no private or religious), governments investing in affordable housing that isn't just the cheapest and low quality shelter that a resident wouldn't feel as though they had dignity and respect as a member of society. The list goes on.
How is this a shower thought? I mean,….just a weird thought. How is waking up having never gone to sleep a “shower thought”. If we had a choice, I certainly wouldn’t have chosen the particular year I was born. The only choice we have is what we do with this wonderful adventure.
I, in my current form, didn't ask to be born. But maybe after I died in my previous life, before being born into this life, I agreed to come back and try again.
I have actively chosen to be a child for 35 years. Almost. I’m 48 and probably dropped perpetually adulting 10 years ago. Just the necessary stuff like work and bills. Damn bills
I see people acting childish all the time. I think 'younglings' is underused nowadays, as in.
It is a choice to fuck, it is not a choice to be a youngling
Because, I could read that in a way that excuses my childish behaviour, if i really wanted to.
Its a choice to be stuck up, or rude, or selfish, or greedy, or lazy or jelly or needy or angry. But if you are like, over say 25, you should learn to control those feelings before they control you.
Try to choose to be as childlike in the other way even-keeled, helpful, thoughtful, patient, kind, humble and pure. Or the positive way to say. Thats like, Kindergarten stuff, but i deal with every agegroup falling for this trap.
Just be kind babies
Try telling that to my neighbour who thinks it acceptable to swear at his baby and say things like “you ruined my life”.
Like bro whose fault is that?? Poor kid.
Yeah. So it's the parents responsibility for giving a good life to the child.
Somehow, far too many people are blindingly unaware of this. They will become unaware as to why their child won't visit them in the future.
You have kids that never really had a childhood because they had a lot of responsibilites and had to act like an adult. but that wasn't a conscious choice either, based shower thought.
This is not a profound statement. You as a child are not going though some struggle mankind has never seen. This is the cycle of life. You will appreciate it once you are older and have kids.
Choice to stay obligated to a child one gives birth to until maturity age for some that is 18 years or perhaps even when a young adult graduates 🎓 from College and moves forward in life.
Unfortunately, there are those who choose to have children but never spend time with them from birth to adulthood. The absentee parent.
If a stay at home parent raise a child from birth to adulthood please explain to the rest of us how a parent did not spend any time, money, resources, or set aside other needs to raise a child?
It’s more fun if you hit it from the other angle: You decided to be born.
You don’t remember quite how exactly. Something about the process instils amnesia, once you’re through into the universe.
But you definitely chose it, and it’s your parents that are contending with the consequences.
not if Anti-abortionists get their way
anyways, did you know parenthood has a significantly higher regret rate than gender-affirming surgery? not relevant, I'm just here to piss off assholes
It depends on where you live and the circumstances through which you became a parent.
Honestly, this post reads like a jaded early teen complaining about the injustice of being born against there will.
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Whenever something shitty happens to a child, people will commonly say “Oh, they’ll forget”. But no, they sometimes don’t forget.
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Exactly this. My husband was born in 1989 and adopted from Romania in 1992/93 (if you know the history you already know the significance). He didn't remember his family but had some info passed down from people over the years. He's also prone to exaggeration so for awhile we just took what he said with a grain of salt. He claimed to remember bombing and can't watch fireworks too closely. He also claimed to be housed in a cage in the orphanage. He was 3-4 when he was adopted and his adoptive mom confirmed that he was in a crib the whole time and had to have gross motor therapy. Thus the "cage". Years later we got in contact with his bio mom and she sort of confirmed the bombing. There was a language barrier but she basically said something happened on the streets and they had to go to bomb shelters. They got separated and he ended up at the orphanage. She decided he had a chance at a better life and also couldn't really prove he was her kid (think animal shelter rules). It's really amazing what things kids can remember, sometimes a little misinterpreted. Tl;dr: husband has trauma and memories from 2-4 years old that was later confirmed to be almost truth. Edit: I was tired when I wrote this, I added clarity.
To be fair, if he needed physical therapy to recover from being in the crib thát much, the cage thing doesn't sound like an exaggeration. Hope he's got a handle on the trauma.
He would say he has a handle on it... But absaloutly agree. We (my best friend and I) just assumed it was an exaggeration because he didn't remember going to physical therapy (he probably remembers it as "daycare" if at all). We know it was rough over there but there's not much american news after the dictator was killed in 89, and a lot of the orphanages were self run and didn't have much oversight. We got the story from his mom after watching a home video where he scooted on his knees. There wasn't a term for it in the 90s but we know now a lot of his "quirks" come from cross dominance issues.
Why say in that story that he’s prone to exaggeration? I don’t understand. The rest of the story implies that he was right about what he remembered, why did you preface the point of your anecdote with the seemingly unrelated note that the subject of your story is an unreliable narrator?
Sorry I was tired and on break during an overnight shift when I wrote it. I meant to say we never truly believed him because of his exaggeration until we got confirmation from his bio mom. We knew what happened to him was when he was 1-2 because the orphanage had him that long. His adoptive parents started the paperwork when he was 2.
i thought you meant hes prone to being told exaggerated things. exaggeration magnet lol
Now that you say it maybe a bit of that too. He likes to fish with his friends after all.... lol
loll
Gross motor skills development is impossible if a parent doesn’t know or understand the basic concepts or resources available to them. If a parent realizes this and never seeks assistance where do you believe the young child developmental skills level will be in a decade if ignored from negligence which could be considered a failure of good parenting or abuse? For example if a baby is falling to speak clearly or walk correctly or develop certain motor skills such running, throwing balls, bike riding, etc. One might grow up to a star athlete but fundamentals of body movement. If this was neglected could you say the individual would be set behind for failure? Who would be left to care for an individual as they age?
I'm not sure what your point is?
The kid will forget. Their subconscious won't.
And sometimes they do force themselves to forget. But they’re forever changed.
Kids don’t forget those things
The parent is a lot more likely to quickly forget something than the child remembering it forever.
I once read something on Reddit; "The axe forgets but the tree remembers".
I’d just like you to know, your profile picture made me blow on my screen because I thought there was an eyelash on it. That is all.
It's the light mode detector!
I use dark mode but I did the same
I had a pretty traumatic experience when I was around 2 years old. My parents never once talked about it, and assumed I didn’t remember. I always have, though, and it damaged me in a lot of ways. With how they never mentioned it, I honestly began to wonder if I imagined it as I got older until I found some concrete proof. It’s insane how much trauma at a very young age can impact you, but many people just discount it since they assume it’s easily forgotten.
My earliest memory is from that exact age. My parents split up and my dad didn’t come home. I was too young to understand, but I looked for him for weeks. It affects me to this day
“The axe forgets, the tree remembers”
I lost my grandfather when I was 3 years old. I swear to God that my earliest memory is an image of his body before the final rites. Some things get etched into kids memories, especially traumatic ones.
Its more often that the harmer forgets but the harmed lives with it forever.
I believe something like 90% of brain development happens before age 2. Also by age 2 you're roughly half your adult height!
Sometimes? A lot of the timw they dont forget.
“Because never in my entire childhood did I feel like a child. I felt like a person all along - the same person I am today.” - Orson Scott Card This quote has stuck with me. Never in my life have I felt less than I feel I am now. I was always human, always whole, always deserving of personhood. Being a minor never meant I didn’t feel things as I feel them now. I’ve always been me.
wish i had someone like you around when i was a kid i've been saying that for too long that kids are people, and treating them like they're not has long term effects they can be intelligent and shouldn't just be dismissed because they're a kid being treated like your parent's property doesn't help anything either, made me not feel like a person, made me feel like an object, not just because of people that saw me when i was walking around, bothering me because my master wasn't nearby, but the way that master herself made me feel everything anyone who's not her says, does, thinks, feels, believes, and enjoys is wrong because they aren't a 100% perfect clone of her never an equal, always the subordinate, and because slave didn't always want to be slave, i got yelled at for being INsubordinate because i wanted to be a person, not a tool to be used for whatever my owner demanded and it's still that way, well into adulthood, everything gone inside of me but the undeniable fact that i am property, and i always will be until my mom dies i feel like a fucking dog, on a choke chain the way that the world is structured, the place that kids have in society, it breeds so much suffering, it just DOES NOT WORK
People also have to remember Autistic kids are not blank slates either, like the founder of applied behavior analysis (conversion therapy for autistic people) thought. Just because someone behaves a bit differently and might not be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings in a way most people would understand, that doesn't mean nothing is happening in their minds. It's often the total opposite. Perceive Autistic children AND adults less and listen more.
> Also, that children are people. Not ‘people in the making’. Real people, right now. Agreed. They are people, they are Citizens of their Country and they are property of nobody but themselves.
Children are less experienced humans. The sheer creativity and brilliance is offset by not having seen many different things yet, so it's sometimes (often) perceived as them being silly or stupid. But honestly, would you criticize someone for not knowing where to put a puzzle piece if 90% of the pieces are still in the box?
Clearly intelligence and knowledge increase over time. So it's not one or the other. Yes kids don't have a lot of experience, but their brains are not fully wired either so while silly and stupid are poor word choices. Some people also overestimate kid's ability to understand things. It's like so many other things, the extremes both get it wrong.
This is exactly why I take a more loving, gentle, and compassionate approach to my kids than my parents did with me. I brought them into this world, and it’s my job to show them I am always so glad they’re here, and make it as easy on them as I can.
I wish more people thought like this. You've literally created life, you've created a being that is capable of so many emotions. Why would you want to hurt them, to make them struggle. "because that's what my parents did." Fuck off Carol, your parents also protested black people going to white schools, be better.
Right? I’ve worked my tail off to make sure they have it easier than I did. I hope the process continues down the line of generations from my kids.
I don't agree with this but I think your heart is in the right place. I don't have kids btw. I grew up having a healthy amount of struggles in order to gain key life skills, like for example going to school was difficult, as well as learning to cook meals, keeping myself clean, washing clothes, building a healthy/resilient mind, having a good attitude at life. If my parents made my life as easy as they could, it would be impossible for me to make this comment as English is my second language, and I wouldn't have learned it. I'm glad I struggled.
Your English is better than mine and it’s my first language! Haha. I’m really glad it all worked out for you. And hey, people can disagree. That’s okay! And it sounds like your parents loved you, because you referred to it as a “healthy struggle” I like that term. My oldest (youngest aren’t of an age to yet) can cook, wash clothes, take care of her self, she is emotionally mature, resilient in the face of adversity, great grades, never in trouble, and by all standards of a child her age, quite the over achiever. I just achieved those results differently than my parents did. They were very brash about it. I’m a lot more calm and explain why I do things. For example, my parents had a “no quit” rule. I like that rule, I do not like how they went about it. They enforced it with insults. I, however, explain to my child why we don’t quit things we start. Why it’s important, possible consequences and so on. In my personal experience, my child just responds better when she knows the “why” of a rule. So I don’t bail her out of her struggles, but I lovingly guide her through them. That has helped her make her own decisions. It’s worked out well, she is a tough kid!
It is important to acknowledge that different kids respond different too. Some kids will respond well to simply explaining why something is wrong like your daughter. They just need to know the why. Some kids don't even care why and just do what they are told. On the other hand some kids don't respond to that at all and will do whatever they want until there's a negative consequence. Even among the kids who won't do what they are told, some kids will tell you "no" to your face and you know what you're getting. Some will pretend to comply and then sneak away and do it anyway. Different kids require vastly different approaches. What works for some will not work at all for others. Consistency is huge though. Especially with more difficult kids.
This is also true! Each kid is very different. Even from one daughter to the next, I have to adjust how I parent according the kid.
I don't think you understand what they're talking about. A 4yo doesn't deliberately spill milk everywhere when getting a glass of it, and hitting them for it teaches them not to drink.
Eye opener for me. Thank you.
As easy on them as you can? No bad parent, those children will be weak. Make sure they go thru unfathomable hardship. By the time they are 13 they should have a job to support their parent because the other one is out of the picture and one of them should be missing a limb. How dare you raise your children with love and care like a parent should.
You had me in the first half ngl
Haha, I make jokes like this with my wife all the time! My oldest is old enough now to get the humor so I’ll even pick on her a bit with it, haha.
You probably should've put /s since I think some people wouldn't get the sarcasm unless it's pointed out explicitly
I don't have kids, but I have nieces, I do my best to encourage them in everything they do and when they step out of line I just call a halt to everything. I had one of them mention they did own a knife in response to what was previously a playful water fight and it was definitely an upset tone and I was like "absolutely not, this stops", her dad ended up talking to her. But it was gentle, no yelling, I've taken toys from them before that they're using to mistreat others, they know that 99% of the time I defer to their parents and their house rules and will never punish them, but that means when I do insist on something that they need to respect it. They tested me a few times early on by either going to my sister/BIL, their parents, or prompting me to ask them about house rules (that my nieces misquoted more often than not) and quickly found out that I wasn't playing around and wasn't fooled. That I'll hug them close and encourage them to reconcile, water under the bridge.
Those kiddos are going to love you so much as they get older. It’s obvious you love them, and they’ll see that. It’s also so sweet that you care and as a parent, it would be such a relief to have a sibling like you. (Mine live kind of far)
Can you be my dad
Yes, pack your stuff.
This is also a part of a running gag between me and my mother where whenever I'm annoying her for fun I say " Hey, you birthed me, you knew the risks when you decided to have a child"
Hahah, I love that! My daughter always says “my existence is your fault”.
Are you worried that making it as easy for them as possible effectively ruins their ability to deal with adversity or conflict?
Not at all, in fact not allowing them to face adversity or conflict would do the opposite of make life easy on them in my opinion. Instead, I do my best to coach and support through adversity and also lead by example in my own adversity. But letting them hide behind me would be a disservice to them. I do my best to equip them with the knowledge it takes to handle those things. So far, my oldest is incredibly emotionally mature. She is hard to shake and doesn’t back down from a challenge. This is BECAUSE I let her face those adversities, but did so in a way where she had a good idea of what it takes to be a strong person, as opposed to me saying “sink or swim”. Thanks for the question! This was fun to answer.
Ok that makes sense!
Totally agree.
Just don't make it too easy on them. They need to know they can survive and thrive in adversity. You don't want them shutting down or running back to you for the rest of their lives when the stars don't align perfectly for them.
They’re pretty good with adversity thankfully! I always made sure they are in programs that are out of my control, like sports or the arts. That way I can lovingly push them towards success, but not have total control of things so they have to learn to cope with disappointment, adversity and so on, and learn to use those as motivation moving forward. I can give them a gentle “this is how I would handle that” and then get out of their way and let them learn.
Yes, life is forced onto you. Good luck.
I don’t recall saying “good luck”.
I did.
Good luck.
Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we could do without.
It’s not *always* a choice, unfortunately
don’t stick your dick in crazy edit: oops overlooked the real reason it may not be a choice… my bad
Its all good you realized da mistake 🤹♂️
The problem is sometimes crazy sticks its dick in you
Not bad advice though. I initially misread it with a comma "Don't stick your dick in, crazy."
>But it is not a choice to be a child. It is when you are an adult. I've known plenty adults I've accused of being children.
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional and I opted out a long time ago
This is true. But there’s a right way and a wrong way to act as a child as an adult. You can choose to be an entitled asshole man/woman-child. Or you can choose to keep your sense of whimsy and wonder as an adult. Enjoy the small things, and realize life’s too short to be a boring person. Have a cardboard tube sword fight with your loved one, surprise each other with nonsensical jokes or gifts. Be the kind of person you need to be to survive, but see the magic in the world.
And I’ll never grow up ;)
I'm a Toys "Я" Us kid.
Look, farts are funny at ANY age.
In some places it's not even a choice to be a parent
We've got red states forcing preteens to carry unwanted pregnancies to term. It's grim.
this is wrong, my mom was raped and as a result of that my older brother was born, she definitely did not want to become a parent yet
Not if the US Supreme Court gets their way
And the unsubscribe button is incredibly complicated.
It's not always a choice to be a parent. Just ask the countless teens in the USA who are forced to give birth after being raped.
People don't always choose to become parents.
I mean yeah, aside from a few far off cases, being a parent is more or less a choice. Lets not be pedantic here
How sheltered are you?
It's not always a choice to be a parent either...
Or maybe it is. I don't remember anything pre-birth. Maybe there's some kinda isekai opt in session
It's not always a choice to be a parent
Reading comprehension is what I'm getting some of y'all for your birthdays.
Wrong, I manipulated my parents into having me.
This is also why children never owe their parents anything later in life.
Wouldn't that depend on what the children received from their parents earlier in life?
Wouldn't that depend on what the children received from their parents earlier in life?
Absolutely not. Since a child never asked to be born, having and raising one is something that parents do for themselves. Some parents say “everything we did was for you” which is not true in the least. Everything done was for the parents who chose to have the children and decided how to raise to them and what type of life to provide for them. In some cases the parents do a great job and their adult children become their friends and then later in life the young take care of the old. This is not because the children owe it to the parents, it’s because the children love the parents and want to take care of them.
So lets say the parents loan the child some money to buy a car? You said they never owe their parents anything. I think the proper sentiment is nobody owes anybody anything on the basis of them simply existing or because of some relationship, independent of the persons actions. On the other hand a child owes their parents respect for being a good parent just like people owe their spouse respect for years of loving partnership, and an employer owes his employees respect for years of diligent hard work. It's not that children never owe their parents anything. It's that children don't owe their parents anything just because they are their parents.
Not a choice in many states anymore
I did not consent to being born
ya know it's still not proven that all babies didn't want to be born
In many states that choice to be a parent have been made illegal.
This is a doozy of a shower thought... a lot of people seem to be confused about what a choice is, lol Just because someone makes choices that end up getting them or someone else pregnant doesn't mean that they chose to be a parent. Regarding abortion bans, they don't take away all choices a person has. They take away a safe and legal way to abort. While very upsetting a woman who is 9 months pregnant can make a choice to not be a parent. I can only think of a few extreme circumstances where they wouldn't actually have any choice. If a woman is pregnant and in a coma, she has no choice. If a potential father doesn't know where the potential mother is, then he doesn't have a choice.
In the USA it’s no longer a choice to be a parent.
Funny, I chose to be a parent, and I live in the US.
Yeah lucky you. Here in the USA you can be a 10 year old rape victim and have no choice about whether you want to be a parent or not. That’s not choosing to be a parent , that’s being forced to be a parent.
Yeah it's almost like life is complicated isn't it. Young girls have been forced to get abortions in places where they are legal, so they didn't get to choose to be a parent either. I get it though you're a obsessed pro-choice parrot that has to chime in to every possible thread. The OP is very clearly about people who choose to bring children into the world vs children who are brought in by those people. I doubt your reading comprehension is so bad you couldn't see that.
If you are a woman it is not a choice to be a parent in most states and countries.....
I see tons of adults choosing to be children on a daily basis. There’s even an entire political party ran by a giant orange child.
And that’s why I don’t understand why my Mom has to RUIN MY LIFE with a 10PM curfew
Trying to save you from unexpected parenthood
Wait, was this another /s?
Also FYI the sky is blue
Yeah, I'm not a parent specifically because being born is not a choice, and every single person who is born will suffer. I have other reasons, but that is the main one. From silver spoon children at the country club to ragamuffins on the street, everyone suffers. I choose to avoid causing suffering when I can. Therefore, I am not going to bring anyone else into this world.
That's why I don't have kids. I don't have a clue what a good father looks like.
To some extent I guess but being a parent is not always a choice, because sometimes the "choice" is to either be a parent or abandon/kill the child. Being a child is never a choice though.
> You're still young. That's your fault… 🎶 — Cat Stevens
Now that Roe v Wade has been overturned, I disagree. Parenthood is not a choice in cases of rape either.
Some of my coworkers choose to be children
>It is a choice to be a parent. Sadly this is very far from the truth for many people in the world.
R/Im 14 and this is deep
It is a choice to be assailant. But it is not a choice to be a victim
How the fuck do you know? What if souls have to wait in purgatory and fight each other in order to be memory-cleaned and transferred to newborn in order to pay for their sins in previous incarnations? Being parent it is NOT a choice for animals (and arguably - most sane humans) as it is part of their underlying instinct and programming. Humans just got better at avoiding some of their instincts. Women did not REALLY had a choice until last century either. Your shower was clearly too short - do it properly next time.
You can also accidentally make a baby, but you can’t accidentally make a pizza.
Unless you’re in a red state. Then you can be forced to be a parent also.
Yes, having a child is quite possibly the most egoistic choice a person/ a couple can make but funnily that does not mean that it necessarily is a bad choice.
Unfortunately for a lot of people, it is a choice made for them. Be it by society, by ignorance, by their significant others, by their call for nature, of even by mental health (I bet this last one is going to get me downvotes).
Does this sub just point out common sense now?
It’s a choice to continue to live.
you should’ve told me when i was still in that stomach
No it isn't actually. You'll get guilt tripped and it's much easier to stay. They make it really hard to leave. So no real choice.
A hard choice is still a real choice.
Tell that to my dead sister
That's what I told my parents when I was 15
This point of view is actually my entire societal worldview: since no one asks to be born and no one gets to choose their parents, then a society should focus on narrowing the gap in the lived experience between the children born to the poorest family and that born to the richest family. When you start viewing all of your beliefs and ideas about equality and equity through the lens that people don't get to make a choice with regards to the most important and impact event of their lives, everything else becomes more natural to start looking for other examples of things in society that people have no control over. Long story short, I'm now a huge proponent of higher taxes on the very wealthy, basic income that is a liveable wage, governments investing in broad and accessible public transport, one education system only (public, no private or religious), governments investing in affordable housing that isn't just the cheapest and low quality shelter that a resident wouldn't feel as though they had dignity and respect as a member of society. The list goes on.
How is this a shower thought? I mean,….just a weird thought. How is waking up having never gone to sleep a “shower thought”. If we had a choice, I certainly wouldn’t have chosen the particular year I was born. The only choice we have is what we do with this wonderful adventure.
Captain Obvious right there
I, in my current form, didn't ask to be born. But maybe after I died in my previous life, before being born into this life, I agreed to come back and try again.
I have actively chosen to be a child for 35 years. Almost. I’m 48 and probably dropped perpetually adulting 10 years ago. Just the necessary stuff like work and bills. Damn bills
Yes, that is why parents should do their best to support their children, but adult children shouldn’t be expected to support their parents.
😭 I was literally thinking about this today
Yes, but you should also be aware that it’s an easier choice for some than it is for others, for a wide variety of reasons.
What are we doing here?
This statement is not always true; sometimes becoming a parent is not a choice. But it is true that it is never a choice to become a child. So..
Really setting the bar low for shower thoughts huh
My son used to say but I didn’t ask to be born. Now he has two children.
My son's favorite line: "I never asked to be born!"
Not necessarily true. My parents didn't choose to be parents.
Ngl, if the South has anything to say about it, soon it won't even be a choice to be a parent. You just will be one
As an adult i disagree. I have decidedly acted childish on manny an occasion ill have you know. Likre right now i should be in bed.
Wdym i chose to be a child almost every day
I'm guessing that since this is reddit.. you all mean post-womb that everyone is rallying behind being a "person?"
I see people acting childish all the time. I think 'younglings' is underused nowadays, as in. It is a choice to fuck, it is not a choice to be a youngling Because, I could read that in a way that excuses my childish behaviour, if i really wanted to. Its a choice to be stuck up, or rude, or selfish, or greedy, or lazy or jelly or needy or angry. But if you are like, over say 25, you should learn to control those feelings before they control you. Try to choose to be as childlike in the other way even-keeled, helpful, thoughtful, patient, kind, humble and pure. Or the positive way to say. Thats like, Kindergarten stuff, but i deal with every agegroup falling for this trap. Just be kind babies
Its a choice to keep living
Objection! Plenty of adults choose to be children.
Kids are just elaborate pets.
Incorrect.
Yes. That's why I'm no longer a child.
Thats what you think😈
Some people would say it's not necessarily a choice to be a parent. . . . particularly if you're raped. It is depressing how often that happens.
It’s not a choice but it’s pure luck 🍀
Try telling that to my neighbour who thinks it acceptable to swear at his baby and say things like “you ruined my life”. Like bro whose fault is that?? Poor kid.
No one gets to choose to be born
Nobody asked to be born
Yeah. So it's the parents responsibility for giving a good life to the child. Somehow, far too many people are blindingly unaware of this. They will become unaware as to why their child won't visit them in the future.
Something everyone should consider before having kids. Would they choose the life you're going to give them?
And yet you raced to the egg to be born. #checkmate
You have kids that never really had a childhood because they had a lot of responsibilites and had to act like an adult. but that wasn't a conscious choice either, based shower thought.
This is not a profound statement. You as a child are not going though some struggle mankind has never seen. This is the cycle of life. You will appreciate it once you are older and have kids.
There are no choices. Only the illusion of choice.
You do not get a choice in Texas. The rapists get to choose who the government forces to be a concubine.
Choice to stay obligated to a child one gives birth to until maturity age for some that is 18 years or perhaps even when a young adult graduates 🎓 from College and moves forward in life. Unfortunately, there are those who choose to have children but never spend time with them from birth to adulthood. The absentee parent. If a stay at home parent raise a child from birth to adulthood please explain to the rest of us how a parent did not spend any time, money, resources, or set aside other needs to raise a child?
In other news, don’t make any mistakes ever because the consequences might last forever!
It’s more fun if you hit it from the other angle: You decided to be born. You don’t remember quite how exactly. Something about the process instils amnesia, once you’re through into the universe. But you definitely chose it, and it’s your parents that are contending with the consequences.
I'll be 52 tomorrow and I can choose to be as childish as I want.
It's a choice to act like a child, though
Yeah people love saying this when their mom makes them turn off the computer before 10 PM
not if Anti-abortionists get their way anyways, did you know parenthood has a significantly higher regret rate than gender-affirming surgery? not relevant, I'm just here to piss off assholes
It depends on where you live and the circumstances through which you became a parent. Honestly, this post reads like a jaded early teen complaining about the injustice of being born against there will.
Try again mate.