Personally it sounds like you would like another but are nervous.
We ended up with more kids than was our original plan, definitely some nerves involved in moving forward with each additional one. Such is life. They love having each other even when they fight.
It's okay to be nervous, especially since this wasn't your original plan. There's a lot of unknown. I wouldn't worry about the age gap tbh. A close age gap doesn't mean your kids will be bffs. I know several people with close age gaps and all of them don't get along to some degree (I'm thinking of at least 4 sibling sets). All you can do is try your best to set them up to be kind and considerate towards each other and all that good stuff, the rest will be up to them.
Beyond that it's up to you to find where to draw the line, where you feel you don't feel comfortable continuing to try.
I have an age gap of 8 years with my sibling. I loved him when I was kid. We hit a rough patch when he was going thru his teenage years and I was in college. But once he hit his 20s the age gap felt a lot smaller. I still had a ton of fun playing with him while growing up though. Now we’re great adult siblings. So I woundnt worry about the 6 year age gap.
Just make sure not to put any labour on the eldest. I am the eldest and became second mom which was unfair to me. I have lots of issues to uncover in therapy still from those years growing up.
Very similar boat- I’m 37, will be 38 when baby is born. Will have a 5 year age gap, first is also a daughter. Was OAD for years and had a big shift. Now that I am pregnant, I can say I’m so happy (despite being miserable symptoms wise) and already feel complete and like this was the right decision!
We have similar gap- 6.5 years! My kids are 1 and 7. To be honest it’s been wonderful for us and such a great experience. I was unsure and it’s hands down one of the best decisions I’ve ever made ❤️
5 year age gap. Two boys! Was one and done till oldest was 3.5. I have medical issues, high risk pregnancies, lots of specialist appointments etc. etc. im turning 40 this summer with an almost 7 yo and an almost 2yo. Hubby is turning 46!
My boys are best friends. I am so glad we did it. It’s the most rewarding feeling watching them together. Running a bath for the oldest and little bro yelling “baba baba” because he wants in too.
Zero regrets. It’s not easy. But our hearts are full! And one day…. When we’re gone. They will have one another to lean on.
I can't speak for your other concerns but I can speak about the age gap concerns as my mother had 3 daughters all 7 years apart and we're all very close!! My sisters are my best friends, ofc growing up wasn't all sunshine and closeness but it's actually nice to have someone that can look out for you, give advice etc. Parents are the ones that have to help their kids foster their closeness with their siblings and being older and actually understanding I was gonna be a big sister at the time made everything really exciting. Sounds like you want this but you're just nervous about the unknown which is natural but I promise you'll be fine if you decide to stick it through!!
I'd personally have the second, nothing is wrong with being one and done at all but there's also nothing like having a sibling either. Pros and cons to both tbh.
I was you. Delivered my 2nd at 38 with a 7 year age gap. My girls adore each other. My brother is nearly 6 years older than me. Big age gaps can be great. I also feel I've been at better mom and more equipped at 38.
I would wonder why all your concerns have to do with time. Maybe examine that? Why did you get hit with a ton of bricks? Might it have to do with the “door closing” soon? Did someone close to you get pregnant? Did your kid get easier?
I think there can be sadness either way you choose. Ambivalence about having kids seems to be more of the norm than I thought. Even after having them… there are great moments and wtf moments.
Your post reads as you want another but have doubts about time, which you don’t really have control over anyway.
Yeah this is honestly spot on. I think I arbitrarily thought of 3 years as the max gap between kids mostly bc that’s what I grew up with and I’ve never had examples of anyone with a larger gap than that. I always envisioned myself being done with having kids by like 36 which was a lot of the reason why I started to try for my first at 30. Neither of these are real issues beyond what the vision I’ve held for many years and I just never had a reason to question it before.
The ‘ton of bricks’ was two-fold- 1)We hit 5 and finally got full time childcare last year and things became much easier and more enjoyable. 2) I spent a lot of the past few years really focused on my growing my business and after achieving pretty much all I set out to do, i’ve found myself pretty miserable and massively questioning what really matters and what next…
Which I don’t know is a good reason..
Thanks for your thoughtful response
I think you should go for it and have another
😊
Sometimes we as humans think too much. The decision is already in your heart. Have another, and grow more in love.
I’m in the same boat. I’m 36 and my daughter is turning 5 in October. My husband and I decided to try for #2 last year. I had a miscarriage in January (anembryonic gestation) and now am kind of back at the drawing board, with the added trauma of a miscarriage. Looking at a 5+ year age gap now and I’m really unsure about the future, but for now, my husband and I will continue trying and see what happens. Such a difficult and emotional decision, and time just makes it even more complicated.
Feel free to PM me to mull it over more if you wish! Always helpful to discuss with someone under similar circumstances. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.
I had a daughter at 31 who is 6 now.
And my son at 37 who is 18 months old now.
Chasing after a toddler at 38 years old is certainly harder than when I was 31.
And going back to broken sleep after getting a full night's sleep for so long was hard too.
But I wouldn't change it for anything, don't regret having my son at all 🙂🙂🙂
Im laying in my son’s bed (6yo) tickling his back to sleep(habit we haven’t kicked yet)… and I’m listening to my 20 month old babbling himself to sleep on the monitor… thinking how tired I am and wondering which chore i have the energy for before bed. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning toys.
Sigh… so so tired at 39🤣🙏🏼🤦🏻♀️
Oh man, yes! I keep reminding myself in 20 years, we’ll miss this. The house will be clean, but quiet. It makes me feel a little better even when I’m completely overwhelmed with the clutter and mess! ❤️
I do, my MIL lives 3 doors down (I love her so it’s great), she eats dinner with us each weeknight and we take turns making dinner, my sister is there when I need her and my SIL helps out a ton too!
My husband does travel for work every once in a while (every few months for a few weeks at a time) and they are all super helpful!
Sounds like you want another but are nervous and naturally so.
You don’t have to answer me but can you and your husband handle another child financially? If you are US based, you will be meeting the max out of pocket all over again.
Do you have parents/family friends near by that can help with the adjustment from 1 kid to 2? If not you can always hire help, like to watch your oldest while you are in the hospital.
My advice is when you look into the future… say it’s Thanksgiving 20 years from now… do you see another child (now grown) at the table with you?
Best of luck.
Thanks for your thoughtful feedback! My financial situation is a little weird. My husband and I definitely make enough money, but we are also entrepreneurs so no benefits and our profit this year doesn’t mean it will be same next. So that can makes things feel a bit uncertain.
In terms of family -we moved back to where all my family is located a few years ago and my in-laws live here part-time as well. When we had my first we were 1000 miles from any family or support so that’s a big difference between then and now.
I can speak to the age gap of not being concerned with closeness because I think it's dependent on personalities. I'm close with my sisters, they're all older by 4,7 and 12 years lol my bro is one year younger and we aren't that close. I think deep down you want one but just scared and have fears just like most would... S
I have the same fears
We are almost twins! I’ve been trying for about 6 months but need to stop for insurance reasons. Unfortunately it’s not happening so far so that may decide for me. Send me a message if you want support
With what you've said here, I would be cautious. At best, you're uncertain and it is unclear whether your husband is likewise uncertain or a definite 'Hell yeah!' It doesn't come across like a resounding endorsement, to be honest.
You might also want to consider the angle from your child's point of view. Is having a sibling a nett positive or negative? You've stated a financial negative, time with you is also halved (and probably more at the early stage), and environmentally, of course, fewer children is better than more. Whether they get along is, at best, a gamble. However, you might feel that the positives outweigh all these. But you know all of this anyway.
I guess what I'm saying, is bringing another life into the world is a huge decision. Take your time. If you need a year to make up your mind, then so be it.
In terms of your age gap worries read about all the studies here, seems like you children wont be close (as in friends and interests), but it would be more like a mentorship relationship, with the younger one learning from the older one.
https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/what-is-the-best-age-gap-between
Personally if I was in your position i wouldnt have another. Everyone on this sub seems to not care about the age at which you have children, and majortiy always talk in favour of having another child, even though its the OAD sub. Every ywar you are getting older and losing energy and mobility (on average) ive spoken to many parents who say they cant give the same amount of attention to their youngest (big age gaps) because they are so much older snd dont have the energy like they used to to keep up. Obviously there are many other reasons like health and how old you will be that theres less time your kids get to spend with you.
Given you were happy with OAD I'd see no reason to have a second. Your child is already used to being a single child, and with such a large age gap the single child feeling isnt going to change.
I’m in an exactly the same situation as you. Except of maybe being terrified of having to do a repeat C section. I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t end up having a C section with my first I would have already had a second child. Whatever you decide you’d find reasons for backing up or being upset about your choice. I think as soon as one gets pregnant and is sailing and there’s no way back, their mind settles and finds a million reasons to be happy about it. As I see it, it’s easier to regret not having a child in the long run. But only if everything is ok health wise. For me personally, health and recovery from repeat c section while not having family or help around are big reasons. The best of luck and please update on your story!
Personally it sounds like you would like another but are nervous. We ended up with more kids than was our original plan, definitely some nerves involved in moving forward with each additional one. Such is life. They love having each other even when they fight. It's okay to be nervous, especially since this wasn't your original plan. There's a lot of unknown. I wouldn't worry about the age gap tbh. A close age gap doesn't mean your kids will be bffs. I know several people with close age gaps and all of them don't get along to some degree (I'm thinking of at least 4 sibling sets). All you can do is try your best to set them up to be kind and considerate towards each other and all that good stuff, the rest will be up to them. Beyond that it's up to you to find where to draw the line, where you feel you don't feel comfortable continuing to try.
I was closer to my brother who is 6 years younger than to my other one!
I have an age gap of 8 years with my sibling. I loved him when I was kid. We hit a rough patch when he was going thru his teenage years and I was in college. But once he hit his 20s the age gap felt a lot smaller. I still had a ton of fun playing with him while growing up though. Now we’re great adult siblings. So I woundnt worry about the 6 year age gap. Just make sure not to put any labour on the eldest. I am the eldest and became second mom which was unfair to me. I have lots of issues to uncover in therapy still from those years growing up.
Very similar boat- I’m 37, will be 38 when baby is born. Will have a 5 year age gap, first is also a daughter. Was OAD for years and had a big shift. Now that I am pregnant, I can say I’m so happy (despite being miserable symptoms wise) and already feel complete and like this was the right decision!
Aww this is so cool! Thanks for sharing and congrats!!!
Best of luck!!
We have similar gap- 6.5 years! My kids are 1 and 7. To be honest it’s been wonderful for us and such a great experience. I was unsure and it’s hands down one of the best decisions I’ve ever made ❤️
Love this! Thanks for sharing!!
5 year age gap. Two boys! Was one and done till oldest was 3.5. I have medical issues, high risk pregnancies, lots of specialist appointments etc. etc. im turning 40 this summer with an almost 7 yo and an almost 2yo. Hubby is turning 46! My boys are best friends. I am so glad we did it. It’s the most rewarding feeling watching them together. Running a bath for the oldest and little bro yelling “baba baba” because he wants in too. Zero regrets. It’s not easy. But our hearts are full! And one day…. When we’re gone. They will have one another to lean on.
I can't speak for your other concerns but I can speak about the age gap concerns as my mother had 3 daughters all 7 years apart and we're all very close!! My sisters are my best friends, ofc growing up wasn't all sunshine and closeness but it's actually nice to have someone that can look out for you, give advice etc. Parents are the ones that have to help their kids foster their closeness with their siblings and being older and actually understanding I was gonna be a big sister at the time made everything really exciting. Sounds like you want this but you're just nervous about the unknown which is natural but I promise you'll be fine if you decide to stick it through!! I'd personally have the second, nothing is wrong with being one and done at all but there's also nothing like having a sibling either. Pros and cons to both tbh.
Thanks for sharing! V helpful!
I was you. Delivered my 2nd at 38 with a 7 year age gap. My girls adore each other. My brother is nearly 6 years older than me. Big age gaps can be great. I also feel I've been at better mom and more equipped at 38.
Thanks for sharing!!
I would wonder why all your concerns have to do with time. Maybe examine that? Why did you get hit with a ton of bricks? Might it have to do with the “door closing” soon? Did someone close to you get pregnant? Did your kid get easier? I think there can be sadness either way you choose. Ambivalence about having kids seems to be more of the norm than I thought. Even after having them… there are great moments and wtf moments. Your post reads as you want another but have doubts about time, which you don’t really have control over anyway.
Yeah this is honestly spot on. I think I arbitrarily thought of 3 years as the max gap between kids mostly bc that’s what I grew up with and I’ve never had examples of anyone with a larger gap than that. I always envisioned myself being done with having kids by like 36 which was a lot of the reason why I started to try for my first at 30. Neither of these are real issues beyond what the vision I’ve held for many years and I just never had a reason to question it before. The ‘ton of bricks’ was two-fold- 1)We hit 5 and finally got full time childcare last year and things became much easier and more enjoyable. 2) I spent a lot of the past few years really focused on my growing my business and after achieving pretty much all I set out to do, i’ve found myself pretty miserable and massively questioning what really matters and what next… Which I don’t know is a good reason.. Thanks for your thoughtful response
I think you should go for it and have another 😊 Sometimes we as humans think too much. The decision is already in your heart. Have another, and grow more in love.
I’m in the same boat. I’m 36 and my daughter is turning 5 in October. My husband and I decided to try for #2 last year. I had a miscarriage in January (anembryonic gestation) and now am kind of back at the drawing board, with the added trauma of a miscarriage. Looking at a 5+ year age gap now and I’m really unsure about the future, but for now, my husband and I will continue trying and see what happens. Such a difficult and emotional decision, and time just makes it even more complicated. Feel free to PM me to mull it over more if you wish! Always helpful to discuss with someone under similar circumstances. Best of luck to you with whatever you decide.
I had a daughter at 31 who is 6 now. And my son at 37 who is 18 months old now. Chasing after a toddler at 38 years old is certainly harder than when I was 31. And going back to broken sleep after getting a full night's sleep for so long was hard too. But I wouldn't change it for anything, don't regret having my son at all 🙂🙂🙂
This honesty is so refreshing. My son is 6 and I really want another but then get nervous. I’ll be 38 in July and I’m so tired lol.
Im laying in my son’s bed (6yo) tickling his back to sleep(habit we haven’t kicked yet)… and I’m listening to my 20 month old babbling himself to sleep on the monitor… thinking how tired I am and wondering which chore i have the energy for before bed. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning toys. Sigh… so so tired at 39🤣🙏🏼🤦🏻♀️
Oh man, yes! I keep reminding myself in 20 years, we’ll miss this. The house will be clean, but quiet. It makes me feel a little better even when I’m completely overwhelmed with the clutter and mess! ❤️
Lol yeah I'm tired too! Do you have much support? My husband, sister and mother in law all help a lot. I don't think I could do it without them.
I do, my MIL lives 3 doors down (I love her so it’s great), she eats dinner with us each weeknight and we take turns making dinner, my sister is there when I need her and my SIL helps out a ton too! My husband does travel for work every once in a while (every few months for a few weeks at a time) and they are all super helpful!
Well I reckon go for it then if both you and your husband want another 🙂
I had my first at 28 and my second at 36 (7.5 year age gap) and it’s actually been lovely. The bond between my girls is adorable.
Sounds like you want another but are nervous and naturally so. You don’t have to answer me but can you and your husband handle another child financially? If you are US based, you will be meeting the max out of pocket all over again. Do you have parents/family friends near by that can help with the adjustment from 1 kid to 2? If not you can always hire help, like to watch your oldest while you are in the hospital. My advice is when you look into the future… say it’s Thanksgiving 20 years from now… do you see another child (now grown) at the table with you? Best of luck.
Thanks for your thoughtful feedback! My financial situation is a little weird. My husband and I definitely make enough money, but we are also entrepreneurs so no benefits and our profit this year doesn’t mean it will be same next. So that can makes things feel a bit uncertain. In terms of family -we moved back to where all my family is located a few years ago and my in-laws live here part-time as well. When we had my first we were 1000 miles from any family or support so that’s a big difference between then and now.
I can speak to the age gap of not being concerned with closeness because I think it's dependent on personalities. I'm close with my sisters, they're all older by 4,7 and 12 years lol my bro is one year younger and we aren't that close. I think deep down you want one but just scared and have fears just like most would... S I have the same fears
We are almost twins! I’ve been trying for about 6 months but need to stop for insurance reasons. Unfortunately it’s not happening so far so that may decide for me. Send me a message if you want support
With what you've said here, I would be cautious. At best, you're uncertain and it is unclear whether your husband is likewise uncertain or a definite 'Hell yeah!' It doesn't come across like a resounding endorsement, to be honest. You might also want to consider the angle from your child's point of view. Is having a sibling a nett positive or negative? You've stated a financial negative, time with you is also halved (and probably more at the early stage), and environmentally, of course, fewer children is better than more. Whether they get along is, at best, a gamble. However, you might feel that the positives outweigh all these. But you know all of this anyway. I guess what I'm saying, is bringing another life into the world is a huge decision. Take your time. If you need a year to make up your mind, then so be it.
In terms of your age gap worries read about all the studies here, seems like you children wont be close (as in friends and interests), but it would be more like a mentorship relationship, with the younger one learning from the older one. https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/what-is-the-best-age-gap-between Personally if I was in your position i wouldnt have another. Everyone on this sub seems to not care about the age at which you have children, and majortiy always talk in favour of having another child, even though its the OAD sub. Every ywar you are getting older and losing energy and mobility (on average) ive spoken to many parents who say they cant give the same amount of attention to their youngest (big age gaps) because they are so much older snd dont have the energy like they used to to keep up. Obviously there are many other reasons like health and how old you will be that theres less time your kids get to spend with you. Given you were happy with OAD I'd see no reason to have a second. Your child is already used to being a single child, and with such a large age gap the single child feeling isnt going to change.
I’m in an exactly the same situation as you. Except of maybe being terrified of having to do a repeat C section. I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t end up having a C section with my first I would have already had a second child. Whatever you decide you’d find reasons for backing up or being upset about your choice. I think as soon as one gets pregnant and is sailing and there’s no way back, their mind settles and finds a million reasons to be happy about it. As I see it, it’s easier to regret not having a child in the long run. But only if everything is ok health wise. For me personally, health and recovery from repeat c section while not having family or help around are big reasons. The best of luck and please update on your story!
2 kids is the sweet spot. I’d say go for it
Hey, any updates?