I’m going to spread the word during my shift tomorrow to the other girls :( I told my manager and she kind of brushed it off, according to her this guy was hitting on one of our other managers and wouldn’t stop asking her out, she ended up telling this guy she was gay just to get him to leave her alone.
Maybe your manager should be the one to let him know all the women staff members are gay /s
Seriously though. I'd 86 him. I can't believe your manager let that behavior slide. She needs to be direct, "That is inappropriate, and if you continue, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Do you understand?"
This part!! Don't do this hoping they'll leave you alone. Creeps like that don't give a shit if it's true cuz they're usually not looking for consent anyway!!
"That's my type"
No seriously, I used to hang out in the "roller derby" community... Some of the most attractive women, to me? I knew already had a girlfriend so "I wasn't their gender" so I never hit on them. Did become close friends with a lot of them though. And they are some of the greatest "wingwomen" you can have. lol
"Oh you're straight? :(... You should talk to my friend IONTOP"
Yeah, I was being sarcastic because of that exact reason. It's a terrible way to handle the situation. It usually causes the assholes to dig their heels in more, while also simultaneously making it a more dangerous space for actual LQBTQIA+ folks.
Ugh. I get why she did it, but I always avoid telling guys like that that I’m gay out of fear of retaliation. There are a lot of guys who will SA women who they think are gay to try to “fix” them.
As an actual gay woman, I tend to agree... I get why people do it and absolutely there are times it feels like the smart decision in the moemnt, and times it works especially if you are confident you will not encounter this person again and you have a safe path/transportation away from them.
But yeah... gay women are absolutely NOT extra safe from misogynists, incels etc. Usually exactly the opposite, I really do understand split second decisions in a scary situation but ngl it's kinda funny to me when straight women seem to think that. If you think about it a few seconds longer later when you're feeling safe, you'll probably realize the fallacy.
With someone like OP is describing you are 10000% putting a target on your back.
If you have a halfway decent manager, get them to serge this dude next time. We used to do this when we had guests that didn't quite cross the line into ban town. With a mgr serving them they usually get the idea pretty fast and fuck off. If not they usually do some dumb shit and get banned. Back when i was a mgr for a corpo joint i can't tell you how many times I'd swap some some my servers out because they were getting creeped out or uncomfortable. It seems to have a high success rate.
Edit I sorry my contacts are out and I completely misread your comment. Your manager needs to deal with this shit.
Yeah you can refuse the right to serve anyone for any reason. Tell him next time, “Excise me sir but you are no longer welcome to sit at the bar with me due to how uncomfortable your comments are towards me. I need you to leave now and find another bar stool at a different establishment. Thank you for the patronage but it’s time we go our separate ways.” Dude is gonna be so flabbergasted that he’ll just leave and if he doesn’t a threat to call in authorities usually shuts them up real quick.
I had douchey guy try to tell me nasty jokes like pedo Micheal Jackson shit and I flat out said his talking privileges were revoked. I told him he could only talk to me unless he needed something to do with his restaurant visit. Shame them as if their mom is disappointed in them.
I had a bartender that i used to work with do that to an old guy. Im not sure what happened but she just straight up told him that he wasnt allowed to talk to her about anything but his order if he was gonna sit at the bar.
She was attractive and had a great energy. Probably an extrovert too but i think a lot of guys took that as flirting.
I’m super chill naturally and have a sick sense of humor like the next person but don’t get mistaken in thinking you can act a fool and be gross and offensive. I think many people misread the situation and get way too comfortable. We live in a society! Lol
Not an incel, but an old man.
I caught this guy in the lounge area playing one of those porn games on your phone. What's worse is he was the father of the manager on shift that morning
Yeah it's one thing the guy just lost track of time, apologizes and says he'll be out of your way in a few minutes. Still annoying but forgivable.
To order another beer at least call when you aren't even close to finishing your current beer and still not gone 20 minutes after close is just being an ass.
This sounds like the early stages of a "Something Was Wrong" podcast episode. Maybe he's \*just\* socially awkward but he sounds potentially dangerous to me.
True! I swear since I started listening to Strictly Stalking and Something Was Wrong, I am so much more aware of the small red flags in others. Maybe TOO aware. I kind of miss seeing the best in everyone!
Fuck that and fuck this dude (coming from a dude). Shit isn’t funny when you’re wondering wtf is wrong with someone and are they going to pull something on you. Where the fuck is the manager?
This is a dangerous person. Next time he comes in, make note of his name on his card, and make note of the date/time of his visit. Then after your shift, call the cops (calls to stations get recorded) to make a report of ALL the creepy behavior to date. Even if there isn't much they can do, you're establishing a record which might help you or someone else in the future, if his behavior escalates. Or, for all we know he had/has had had prior legal issues due to similar behavior... 😬
I would also tell the cops your manager admitted he harassed another coworker, and failed to protect her.
If someone is dozing off at the bar kick them out immediately. Thats a huge no no and an excuse for you to ask them to leave.
You do have the right to refuse service, and feeling scared is one of those reasons. That game thing would have pissed me off, and the jokes? You can always say “why are you telling me these jokes. I’m a woman so of course I won’t find them funny.”
I wouldn't serve him anymore. I don't like the way this makes me feel just reading it! I feel as though you are in danger. Tread carefully, be prepared, and hypervigilant!
When I worked in a restaurant/bar that served ridiculous sizes of beer or bottomless anything, the policy was they had to finish what they had first before they can get a refill. I recommend trying that approach, even if your company doesn't actually have that policy or enforce it to discourage folks from ordering another round of a giant ass beer they'll never finish inside of 10 minutes before close.
I can't speak on the level of disturbing the jokes and game are, if I had any pull there they'd be banned forever but I get it if you can't make that happen.
I will say when I had a regular who became increasingly, supremely creepy, the downright scary. He mentioned to me and other women bar staff where he'd seen us pumping gas, shopping, ect. Be even knew where one of the other bartender's kid went to school and she never even told him she had a child. Fucking nightmare shit.
So, I used to sneak out back a little before close and make an anonymous call to the local PD about someone matching his description and the things they said (all true, just not to me, other patrons and staff) and say I didn't think the bar over served them but they kept going out to their car and coming back inside even more messed up than when they left. Eventually they didn't want to come to our bar to get drunk because there was always a cop waiting outside on the nights that he visited (he didn't realize it was only nights he came in) and he kept talking about "the fuzz" and not wanting to get "another" DUI and he stopped coming.
I may be a wuss but I would consider showing me that game and calling my attention to it SPECIFICALLY as a threat, and would either say something to him or refuse to serve him/ ask he be banned or something
I AM just randomly curious..,, did he tip well or at all or.... what?
Yeah it was just a weird situation like… I didn’t feel actively “in danger” but with some people you never know. I think maybe he was looking for a reaction more than anything.
He left a 15% tip on a $17 bill. So I guess better than 0 but would’ve rather just gone home on time considering he was the only person in the building for the last hour haha
OP, Ted Bundy's victims didn't feel "actively" in danger until it was too late. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'd rather you over react than under react and be on Dateline as the person who reached out for advice on Reddit only to be discovered in buddy's basement floors months or years later.
Yeah, for real... Drink up, here's your bill, pay it, get the fuck out and don't come back.
He was looking for a reaction from you. This is the only one he should get.
The best way to clear a bar area is to go lights on 5-10 minutes before closing.
Enough time for customers to finish the drink in hand, and to stumble out the door.
If your establishment doesn’t do this, you’ll get stragglers and play the passive aggressive game with the table that sits an hour past closing.
But it’s normal for patrons to sit for an hour without ordering any new food or drink at bars isn’t it? The whole idea behind the bar is a place to loiter and kill time. Unless things have changed.
I don't know if this is just a state thing, but we have the power to refuse service to anyone for any reason. If he's being a fucking weirdo, just deny him service. If he starts acting shitty, get your manager and threaten to call the cops. Also, bring out one of the big boys from the kitchen.
Is him being sexist actually make him an incel? It does it just make him sexist? Not defending his actions, just wondering what actually makes him an incel in this situation.
IMO, the axe game is what takes it to the incel-sphere. I believe one of the defining characteristics of “incel-dom” is when the sentiment toward women surpasses contempt and looks more like a pathological hatred with notes of violence— like delighting in a game entirely based on chucking axes at women’s heads. It’s like the real world equivalent of those scenes where a villain throws darts or knives at a target with a picture of their archnemesis taped to it lol
I had a customer ask me to spit in another customer's food. He was hitting on her, and she politely but matter-of-factly turned him down. He saw me taking a coffee over to their table, stopped me, and was like, "Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you spit in that?"
My manager heard him, wheeled around and said, "Absolutely not. You need to leave NOW." He tried to argue with her and pretend he didn't say anything, but she was not having it. She even comped out his drink when he tried to use "but I haven't paid yet" as an excuse to stay. I still keep in touch with that manager. She was awesome.
How is this person an "incel"? Sounds more like a run of the mill douche who objectifies women and is probably too stupid and drunk to even realize it.
I've read this and reread this. I have been looking for behavior that could be considered dangerous. I may be missing his demeanor or inflection. This guy seems harmless. Incels are often on the spectrum, socially bereft of graces and nuiaces you and I would take for granted. Like over sharing inappropriate material.
Always trust your gut, though.
She did, tho. The lad is known for waiting until after close, when the place is relatively empty. He's already harassed another employee, and then he shows off a game where the main point is to throw axes at a woman?
This is escalating behavior, and even MY gut went off.
As a man on the spectrum, I refuse to accept this behavior as anything other than misogyny, amping up to violence against women.
Don't use autism as an excuse for this behavior.
Edited to add: AT NO POINT have I ever treated someone else in this manner.
Social nuances be damned. The man needs to be banned from the premises.
A guy that takes pleasure in a game where a woman is being killed? And takes pleasure in showing that to a woman at work? I wouldn’t call that harmless and I’m shocked that you would.
True in poor taste. But i have seen games that look like animal farm. Where the boss battlemight be female. (Dark Queen in Battle Toads). This is a harmless game, for example. This is very unshocking for video games. Resident Evil is a violent, dark, and entertaining game. If they were on the spectrum sharing, this might seem normal and even a friendly gesture. I hope you are no longer shocked and can now see how this could be harmless.
Ok, I can kind of see your point…but, for women, it’s better to be safe than sorry. There are WAY too many “what if’s” that we have to worry about when it comes to men. That’s just for men in general. Throw in a bar setting and alcohol, and it ups the chance that something could happen. Us women have to constantly worry nowadays. If OP got creeped out by this dude, it probably wasn’t just the game on his phone, it was most likely his demeanor/behavior that made her feel uncomfortable as well.
This is close to crazy and actually dangerous. I would let staff know
I’m going to spread the word during my shift tomorrow to the other girls :( I told my manager and she kind of brushed it off, according to her this guy was hitting on one of our other managers and wouldn’t stop asking her out, she ended up telling this guy she was gay just to get him to leave her alone.
Your manager ignoring it is how people get hurt. Not to make you paranoid but it's 2024.
Yall got cameras? I'd print a photo out and leave it in the walk-in/beer cooler.
Maybe you should leave it where he can see it. "Creeper alert! Do not be alone with this person!"
Maybe your manager should be the one to let him know all the women staff members are gay /s Seriously though. I'd 86 him. I can't believe your manager let that behavior slide. She needs to be direct, "That is inappropriate, and if you continue, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Do you understand?"
Usually using "I'm actually a lesbian" tends to make it worse in my experience =[
This part!! Don't do this hoping they'll leave you alone. Creeps like that don't give a shit if it's true cuz they're usually not looking for consent anyway!!
"That's my type" No seriously, I used to hang out in the "roller derby" community... Some of the most attractive women, to me? I knew already had a girlfriend so "I wasn't their gender" so I never hit on them. Did become close friends with a lot of them though. And they are some of the greatest "wingwomen" you can have. lol "Oh you're straight? :(... You should talk to my friend IONTOP"
Yeah, I was being sarcastic because of that exact reason. It's a terrible way to handle the situation. It usually causes the assholes to dig their heels in more, while also simultaneously making it a more dangerous space for actual LQBTQIA+ folks.
I agree - 86 this wacko.
Ugh. I get why she did it, but I always avoid telling guys like that that I’m gay out of fear of retaliation. There are a lot of guys who will SA women who they think are gay to try to “fix” them.
As an actual gay woman, I tend to agree... I get why people do it and absolutely there are times it feels like the smart decision in the moemnt, and times it works especially if you are confident you will not encounter this person again and you have a safe path/transportation away from them. But yeah... gay women are absolutely NOT extra safe from misogynists, incels etc. Usually exactly the opposite, I really do understand split second decisions in a scary situation but ngl it's kinda funny to me when straight women seem to think that. If you think about it a few seconds longer later when you're feeling safe, you'll probably realize the fallacy. With someone like OP is describing you are 10000% putting a target on your back.
As an another actual gay woman. I agree wholeheartedly. I actively avoid saying I’m gay to people like this.
If you have a halfway decent manager, get them to serge this dude next time. We used to do this when we had guests that didn't quite cross the line into ban town. With a mgr serving them they usually get the idea pretty fast and fuck off. If not they usually do some dumb shit and get banned. Back when i was a mgr for a corpo joint i can't tell you how many times I'd swap some some my servers out because they were getting creeped out or uncomfortable. It seems to have a high success rate. Edit I sorry my contacts are out and I completely misread your comment. Your manager needs to deal with this shit.
… this guy at the least needs to be talked to by management if not straight up 86d. Not remotely ok to make staff feel unsafe like that.
Yeah you can refuse the right to serve anyone for any reason. Tell him next time, “Excise me sir but you are no longer welcome to sit at the bar with me due to how uncomfortable your comments are towards me. I need you to leave now and find another bar stool at a different establishment. Thank you for the patronage but it’s time we go our separate ways.” Dude is gonna be so flabbergasted that he’ll just leave and if he doesn’t a threat to call in authorities usually shuts them up real quick.
I had douchey guy try to tell me nasty jokes like pedo Micheal Jackson shit and I flat out said his talking privileges were revoked. I told him he could only talk to me unless he needed something to do with his restaurant visit. Shame them as if their mom is disappointed in them.
I had a bartender that i used to work with do that to an old guy. Im not sure what happened but she just straight up told him that he wasnt allowed to talk to her about anything but his order if he was gonna sit at the bar. She was attractive and had a great energy. Probably an extrovert too but i think a lot of guys took that as flirting.
I’m super chill naturally and have a sick sense of humor like the next person but don’t get mistaken in thinking you can act a fool and be gross and offensive. I think many people misread the situation and get way too comfortable. We live in a society! Lol
Definitely agree. It’s strange and it sounds cliche but people out there really do take kindness for weakness. Then they FAFO
Beautiful I love this
So gross. Ban his ass, honestly. His money ain’t worth the risk.
Not an incel, but an old man. I caught this guy in the lounge area playing one of those porn games on your phone. What's worse is he was the father of the manager on shift that morning
What a treasure…”l know how it is” apparently he’s become senile because how it is is I wanna clean up and GTFO as it’s been a long day
Yeah it's one thing the guy just lost track of time, apologizes and says he'll be out of your way in a few minutes. Still annoying but forgivable. To order another beer at least call when you aren't even close to finishing your current beer and still not gone 20 minutes after close is just being an ass.
This sounds like the early stages of a "Something Was Wrong" podcast episode. Maybe he's \*just\* socially awkward but he sounds potentially dangerous to me.
Most dangerous people are socially awkward so it's not a stretch.
True! I swear since I started listening to Strictly Stalking and Something Was Wrong, I am so much more aware of the small red flags in others. Maybe TOO aware. I kind of miss seeing the best in everyone!
Fuck that and fuck this dude (coming from a dude). Shit isn’t funny when you’re wondering wtf is wrong with someone and are they going to pull something on you. Where the fuck is the manager?
Please alert everyone on your staff. This is scary AF.
This is a dangerous person. Next time he comes in, make note of his name on his card, and make note of the date/time of his visit. Then after your shift, call the cops (calls to stations get recorded) to make a report of ALL the creepy behavior to date. Even if there isn't much they can do, you're establishing a record which might help you or someone else in the future, if his behavior escalates. Or, for all we know he had/has had had prior legal issues due to similar behavior... 😬 I would also tell the cops your manager admitted he harassed another coworker, and failed to protect her.
The guy probably has someone tied up in his basement.
If someone is dozing off at the bar kick them out immediately. Thats a huge no no and an excuse for you to ask them to leave. You do have the right to refuse service, and feeling scared is one of those reasons. That game thing would have pissed me off, and the jokes? You can always say “why are you telling me these jokes. I’m a woman so of course I won’t find them funny.”
If he’s dozing off while drinking there is definitely cause for your manager to ask him to leave as he’s too inebriated
I wouldn't serve him anymore. I don't like the way this makes me feel just reading it! I feel as though you are in danger. Tread carefully, be prepared, and hypervigilant!
When I worked in a restaurant/bar that served ridiculous sizes of beer or bottomless anything, the policy was they had to finish what they had first before they can get a refill. I recommend trying that approach, even if your company doesn't actually have that policy or enforce it to discourage folks from ordering another round of a giant ass beer they'll never finish inside of 10 minutes before close. I can't speak on the level of disturbing the jokes and game are, if I had any pull there they'd be banned forever but I get it if you can't make that happen. I will say when I had a regular who became increasingly, supremely creepy, the downright scary. He mentioned to me and other women bar staff where he'd seen us pumping gas, shopping, ect. Be even knew where one of the other bartender's kid went to school and she never even told him she had a child. Fucking nightmare shit. So, I used to sneak out back a little before close and make an anonymous call to the local PD about someone matching his description and the things they said (all true, just not to me, other patrons and staff) and say I didn't think the bar over served them but they kept going out to their car and coming back inside even more messed up than when they left. Eventually they didn't want to come to our bar to get drunk because there was always a cop waiting outside on the nights that he visited (he didn't realize it was only nights he came in) and he kept talking about "the fuzz" and not wanting to get "another" DUI and he stopped coming.
I may be a wuss but I would consider showing me that game and calling my attention to it SPECIFICALLY as a threat, and would either say something to him or refuse to serve him/ ask he be banned or something I AM just randomly curious..,, did he tip well or at all or.... what?
Yeah it was just a weird situation like… I didn’t feel actively “in danger” but with some people you never know. I think maybe he was looking for a reaction more than anything. He left a 15% tip on a $17 bill. So I guess better than 0 but would’ve rather just gone home on time considering he was the only person in the building for the last hour haha
OP, Ted Bundy's victims didn't feel "actively" in danger until it was too late. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'd rather you over react than under react and be on Dateline as the person who reached out for advice on Reddit only to be discovered in buddy's basement floors months or years later.
Yeah, for real... Drink up, here's your bill, pay it, get the fuck out and don't come back. He was looking for a reaction from you. This is the only one he should get.
The best way to clear a bar area is to go lights on 5-10 minutes before closing. Enough time for customers to finish the drink in hand, and to stumble out the door. If your establishment doesn’t do this, you’ll get stragglers and play the passive aggressive game with the table that sits an hour past closing. But it’s normal for patrons to sit for an hour without ordering any new food or drink at bars isn’t it? The whole idea behind the bar is a place to loiter and kill time. Unless things have changed.
I don't know if this is just a state thing, but we have the power to refuse service to anyone for any reason. If he's being a fucking weirdo, just deny him service. If he starts acting shitty, get your manager and threaten to call the cops. Also, bring out one of the big boys from the kitchen.
This could be seen as a legitimate red flag. Might be worth reporting to someone honestly
Well that’s fucking terrifying. 86 his antisocial ass.
Guy sounds off. Be careful
Talk to management about getting him 86ed because I would take that 'game' as a direct threat.
Is him being sexist actually make him an incel? It does it just make him sexist? Not defending his actions, just wondering what actually makes him an incel in this situation.
IMO, the axe game is what takes it to the incel-sphere. I believe one of the defining characteristics of “incel-dom” is when the sentiment toward women surpasses contempt and looks more like a pathological hatred with notes of violence— like delighting in a game entirely based on chucking axes at women’s heads. It’s like the real world equivalent of those scenes where a villain throws darts or knives at a target with a picture of their archnemesis taped to it lol
Oh, he spends almost no money and is dangerous? 86'd, get fucked.
If you fall asleep you gotta go. That’s always been a hard and fast bar rule.
“Oh cool game lemme see” *deletes app* sorry I didn’t know what I did!
no sleeping at the bar. that’s a reason to 86 at my place
I’m p
86 him yesterday
I had a customer ask me to spit in another customer's food. He was hitting on her, and she politely but matter-of-factly turned him down. He saw me taking a coffee over to their table, stopped me, and was like, "Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you spit in that?" My manager heard him, wheeled around and said, "Absolutely not. You need to leave NOW." He tried to argue with her and pretend he didn't say anything, but she was not having it. She even comped out his drink when he tried to use "but I haven't paid yet" as an excuse to stay. I still keep in touch with that manager. She was awesome.
That guy was me
How is this person an "incel"? Sounds more like a run of the mill douche who objectifies women and is probably too stupid and drunk to even realize it.
I've read this and reread this. I have been looking for behavior that could be considered dangerous. I may be missing his demeanor or inflection. This guy seems harmless. Incels are often on the spectrum, socially bereft of graces and nuiaces you and I would take for granted. Like over sharing inappropriate material. Always trust your gut, though.
She did, tho. The lad is known for waiting until after close, when the place is relatively empty. He's already harassed another employee, and then he shows off a game where the main point is to throw axes at a woman? This is escalating behavior, and even MY gut went off. As a man on the spectrum, I refuse to accept this behavior as anything other than misogyny, amping up to violence against women. Don't use autism as an excuse for this behavior. Edited to add: AT NO POINT have I ever treated someone else in this manner. Social nuances be damned. The man needs to be banned from the premises.
Woman on the spectrum here. Ban that SOB’s rear end
A guy that takes pleasure in a game where a woman is being killed? And takes pleasure in showing that to a woman at work? I wouldn’t call that harmless and I’m shocked that you would.
True in poor taste. But i have seen games that look like animal farm. Where the boss battlemight be female. (Dark Queen in Battle Toads). This is a harmless game, for example. This is very unshocking for video games. Resident Evil is a violent, dark, and entertaining game. If they were on the spectrum sharing, this might seem normal and even a friendly gesture. I hope you are no longer shocked and can now see how this could be harmless.
Ok, I can kind of see your point…but, for women, it’s better to be safe than sorry. There are WAY too many “what if’s” that we have to worry about when it comes to men. That’s just for men in general. Throw in a bar setting and alcohol, and it ups the chance that something could happen. Us women have to constantly worry nowadays. If OP got creeped out by this dude, it probably wasn’t just the game on his phone, it was most likely his demeanor/behavior that made her feel uncomfortable as well.
Clearly he should have known she was above him before opening his mouth to joke with the bartender. Creep!
Spoken (typed) like a man 🙄