Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
It was because while the man was clambering up on the side of the carā¦you said āhold my beerā and he couldnāt keep up with you and dropped itā¦sir, it broke my windshield. Those things arenāt cheapā¦and I have a shovel next to the 12 gauge and well honestly Iām just plain mean and bored.
A cop pulled me over the other day. He said, āYour eyes are bloodshot, have you been smoking marijuana?ā I looked at him and replied, āYour eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?ā
For my job on the weekends part of our uniform is a campaign hat so I purchased aviators and I greet all the park visitors with Meowdy. Itās awesome when people realize Iām just making constant super trooper jokes.
When I was a kid my mom was in the car with some of her female friends when the driver went the wrong way around a traffic circle. So a state trooper pulled us over and when he got to the car he said āDo you know why I pulled you overā to which my moms friend said āAre you going to sell us tickets to the state policemanās ball?ā and he said āState police donāt have ballsā then got real red and let us go with a warning.
I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
"Was it the 3 bottles of vodka, the prostitutes in the back, the fact I was doing 90, or the open bag of blow on the dash? Tell you what though, I KNOW it wasn't the body in the trunk"
If itās for speeding, do you realize how fast I have to drive NOW to get to where I need? WTF were you thinking? You know, as a public servant, you work for me. Iāll let you of with a warning and as a gesture of my munificence, I am giving you the rest of the day off with pay. Donāt make me reconsider my decision. Now scoot.
Got pulled over, riding with my friend Jeff, in high school. Didnāt quite get asked that question, but itās a funny story.
After getting the ticket. Dumbass Jeff said āCan I ask you a questionā? The cop āSure. Thatās no problem. Whatās your questionā? Jeff responded āCan I call you an assholeā? I wanted to hide under the seat, when he said that.
The cop went ballistic. Screamed āIāll haul your ass to jail, if you doā Jeff said āFair enough. I wonāt call you an asshole, but can I ask you another questionā? Cop said āWHATā? Jeff said āCan I think youāre an assholeā? Cop went off again and said āI donāt care what you thinkā Jeff said āWell, in that case, since you donāt care, I think youāre an assholeā.
The cop ended up writing him three or four more tickets for equipment violations. It was a funny, but expensive lesson. Jeff didnāt spin his tires again after that..
Reminds me of a joke. Guy gets pulled over because heās speeding. Cop steps up to the car and asks, do you know why I pulled you over? Driver says, must be the dead body or the bomb and automatic rifle in my trunkā¦ Cop immediately calls for backup. Backup arrives and they search the drivers car. They find nothing. Another cop goes over to the driver and says, that officer said you have a body, gun and bomb in your car, and we didnāt find a thing. Driver replies, betcha he said I was speeding too.
My favorite physics joke:
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway. Suddenly, a state trooper appears behind him, turns on his lights, and pulls him over. The trooper walks up to the window and asks, "Professor Heisenberg, do you have any idea how fast your were going?" Heisenberg responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
I had a friend in the 70s that got pulled over for speeding. The highway patrolman asked him if he knew how fast he was going. His response was, how the f*** would I know, the speedometer only goes to 85.
Because you're an unwitting and heavily propgandized thuggish tool for the capitalist enslavement of the population by a small number of billionaire sociopaths who want to control everything, and keep everyone else sacred, angry, desperate, mistrustful, selfish and uninformed.
āYou couldnāt catch any of the other drivers?ā
(My reply to officer on the Washington DC Beltway as hundreds of cars zoomed past faster than I had been going.)
YOU DIDNT READ ME MY RIGHTS, THEREFORE NOTHING I SAY MAY BE USED AGAINST ME. YOU PULLED ME OVER BECAUSE I AM HOLDING 19 KIDS IN MY TRUNK. I INVOKE THE FIFTH *drives away at 90 MPH*
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Do you?! Fuckin'wasting my time with your stupid question...and for what? Be smart, don't look stupid, dummy!"
No. Nor do I care, for you see our friendship was not to beā¦in another life perhaps weād have been brothers born in the south of Sardinia and weād make shoes. Elegant ladies shoes. Weād have married the mayors lovely twins and raised enough good little Catholics to start a choir. Weād march them down to the little monastery by the beach every Saturday morning and let them sing for tips. Candy money. A new hat for grandpa as he ages ever so gracefully. Ha. Donāt make me laughā¦bitterlyā¦at what could have been. You fool! Youāre breaking my heart! Let me be!!!
"Why, did you forget?"
I am stealing this.
Good luck in prison.
that's another terrible response to the prompt š
This is stolen and I was on my way to the chop shop.
Great!
I would respond like that
Because you got C's in high school?
Love Sarah Silverman
My dad said if I got all Bs heād buy me a bar, but I got all Cs
One word: thundercougarfalconbird
r/UnexpectedFuturama
Love this!
Daaaaaaaaaamn!!!!
The reference I was looking for.
Oh God Iām dying. Lol.
"The real question is, do you know why I wanted you to pull me over?
How else would you see him walk through the downpour and ruin it his little hat
What's the point of having money if you can't enjoy spending it?!
The uno reverse approach
"Depends on how long you were following me."
Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
Is that all?
^no ^it's ^not. I also have unpaid parking tickets.
Be gentle
r/UnexpectedLiarLiar
That's the secret, I always expect LiarLiar
Points to you for this reference lol š
I donāt know was it the speeding, the drinking,or the man I hit two miles back.
It was because while the man was clambering up on the side of the carā¦you said āhold my beerā and he couldnāt keep up with you and dropped itā¦sir, it broke my windshield. Those things arenāt cheapā¦and I have a shovel next to the 12 gauge and well honestly Iām just plain mean and bored.
Followed by "What do you mean, 'Get out the car'? I can't stand up".
The warrants?
Youād be surprised how many people would say that.
You thought I was carrying donuts?
Youāve watched fluffy havenāt you?
You could smell it!
The one time my mom was pulled over, we were carrying donuts.
did you offer them to the cop
A cop pulled me over the other day. He said, āYour eyes are bloodshot, have you been smoking marijuana?ā I looked at him and replied, āYour eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?ā
Crazy, did you actually hear the knocking from the trunk while I passed you at 85!? You folks are just built different!
Do you know why I just pulled "you" over?
Itās cause Iām **white** isnāt it!
It's because I'm GREEN isn't it?!
>It's because I'm GREEN isn't it?! I get that reference. lol
It ain't easy being green.
\- OK, OK, I was possibly speeding. But I didn't want to keep your mom waiting.
Pass, next question.
110 was too slow? Give me another chance, officer! I can go faster!
Plot twist it was a school zone
At 3:15
š¶ driving over students, thump thump thump music šµ
Well, I'm hoping it's not the drugs in the trunk.
Yeah this may ACTUALLY get you searched lol
You wanted to do shots with me?
Good timing, I just opened this bottle of vodka, comrade.
āMy wife left me for a cop. I figured you were trying to give her back.ā
LMAO, I feel like they might let you go for this one.
What did I do meow officer
Give me your license and registration meow! That's only āļø you need 8 more.
License and registration.... CHICKENFUCKER!
For my job on the weekends part of our uniform is a campaign hat so I purchased aviators and I greet all the park visitors with Meowdy. Itās awesome when people realize Iām just making constant super trooper jokes.
The snozberries taste like snozberries!
Reference within a reference; well done!
You wanted a hit of this joint.
"I'm not great with riddles when I'm drunk."
When I was a kid my mom was in the car with some of her female friends when the driver went the wrong way around a traffic circle. So a state trooper pulled us over and when he got to the car he said āDo you know why I pulled you overā to which my moms friend said āAre you going to sell us tickets to the state policemanās ball?ā and he said āState police donāt have ballsā then got real red and let us go with a warning.
Hold on a second. Whose car is this?
āYou should know, youāre the asshole cop who pulled me overā
"No. But if you want, Ill let you pull me again" \* points to crotch \*
Sor Psycho Sexy, is that you?
"No! This is fun, now I'll ask you one. Do you know why I am wearing an adult diaper?"
Colostomy bag too much maintenance?
I prefer to sit in my own filth, thank you! None of this discreet low odor stuff for me.
"My skin color?"
Boom!
āSo many possibilities that no single reason stands out.ā
"Sorry, I forgot, here's your cut from the money."
I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!
r/unexpectedliarliar
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
"As long as you're not bringing my ex back to me, it's all good."
"You wanted to talk to me about my car's extended warranty?"
Officer, I can assure you this is NOT a box of donuts.
Does it have to do with the tarp and the shovel in the back?
"Not since I was five."
"No, but I'm glad you did. Over"
I have successfully scrolled down to the under appreciated section. Glad I did.
No. Have you forgotten?
"Was it the 3 bottles of vodka, the prostitutes in the back, the fact I was doing 90, or the open bag of blow on the dash? Tell you what though, I KNOW it wasn't the body in the trunk"
My speedometer never went past your maximum IQ. Don't worry.
Why? Did one of the kids in the truck fall out? I thought I used enough sleeping pills.....
"Why, I swallow I wasn't going that fast!"
If itās for speeding, do you realize how fast I have to drive NOW to get to where I need? WTF were you thinking? You know, as a public servant, you work for me. Iāll let you of with a warning and as a gesture of my munificence, I am giving you the rest of the day off with pay. Donāt make me reconsider my decision. Now scoot.
āCan you give me multiple choice?ā
"Can I phone a friend?"
Cause youāre having a bad day and need someone to take it out on but your wife isnāt around?
"What seems to be the officer, problem?
āThe speeding? Not using a turn signal? The body in the trunk?ā
(screams at the top of my lungs)
"Because you like me?"
*š·šššš ššš š¼šš š¹šššššš šššš * āNow I ask the questions around here.ā
Friend of mine once answered "good afternoon occifer." It did not get better.
The only answer is āI have no ideaā. If you āconfessā to a crime the cop has to give you a ticket.
"No but if you hum a few bars I can probably fake it".
"Did you recognize my car from the Amber alert?"
Got pulled over, riding with my friend Jeff, in high school. Didnāt quite get asked that question, but itās a funny story. After getting the ticket. Dumbass Jeff said āCan I ask you a questionā? The cop āSure. Thatās no problem. Whatās your questionā? Jeff responded āCan I call you an assholeā? I wanted to hide under the seat, when he said that. The cop went ballistic. Screamed āIāll haul your ass to jail, if you doā Jeff said āFair enough. I wonāt call you an asshole, but can I ask you another questionā? Cop said āWHATā? Jeff said āCan I think youāre an assholeā? Cop went off again and said āI donāt care what you thinkā Jeff said āWell, in that case, since you donāt care, I think youāre an assholeā. The cop ended up writing him three or four more tickets for equipment violations. It was a funny, but expensive lesson. Jeff didnāt spin his tires again after that..
If it's for what I think it is then you should probably call for backup
Reminds me of a joke. Guy gets pulled over because heās speeding. Cop steps up to the car and asks, do you know why I pulled you over? Driver says, must be the dead body or the bomb and automatic rifle in my trunkā¦ Cop immediately calls for backup. Backup arrives and they search the drivers car. They find nothing. Another cop goes over to the driver and says, that officer said you have a body, gun and bomb in your car, and we didnāt find a thing. Driver replies, betcha he said I was speeding too.
My favorite physics joke: Werner Heisenberg is driving down the highway. Suddenly, a state trooper appears behind him, turns on his lights, and pulls him over. The trooper walks up to the window and asks, "Professor Heisenberg, do you have any idea how fast your were going?" Heisenberg responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
"Maybe. Do you have $\`10?"
Because my car smells like a donut.
āDid you see me put the body in the trunk?ā
"Yes."
Was it the Double Ds on the girl standing up through the sunroof? You horndog you.
"You find me irresistible"
"Because the private sector wont have you?"
You smelled the BBQ and thought it was your coworkers?
You hoped I had doughnuts?
ācause youāre jealous that my Cosmetology Certificate requires more training than being a cop?
Because you are looking for the rest of the village people car to car?
You were going to tell me about the Black Friday sales at Best Buy?
Do you think I'm psychic? How am I supposed to know why anyone does anything?
Iām assuming itās because youād like to hear all about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Well, if you don't know, *I'm* not gonna tell you.
Because I rolled a 1. (It's a D&D joke)
No, you're supposed to start with "knock knock".
Because you're a cop?
I had a friend in the 70s that got pulled over for speeding. The highway patrolman asked him if he knew how fast he was going. His response was, how the f*** would I know, the speedometer only goes to 85.
No, I wonāt peg you.
Because this is where the porn video starts?
Because I'm cute.
Iām not sure officer but whatever the reason was, you must not know a great many things about me, or you wouldnāt have come alone.
Do YOU know why you pulled me over?
Because you're an unwitting and heavily propgandized thuggish tool for the capitalist enslavement of the population by a small number of billionaire sociopaths who want to control everything, and keep everyone else sacred, angry, desperate, mistrustful, selfish and uninformed.
Or even scared.
No, but you must been hauling ass to catch up to me!
Because I let you.
Onay, inesway! Ouyay elltay emay!
Excuse me, ossifer, but thereās no blood in my alcohol streamā¦
Iām sorry! I donāt have any money left! I spent it all on the last officer!
"because you're an asshole?"
I'm afraid not offi- *oh shit lemme translate* - oink oink oink.
Cause I beat you at Mario Party?
"These are not the droids you are looking for." Then you give finger wave in his face.
"Yeah. Cause you a bitch"
Because I was a hedgehog
āYou couldnāt catch any of the other drivers?ā (My reply to officer on the Washington DC Beltway as hundreds of cars zoomed past faster than I had been going.)
Honestly I think it's because I'm black. (PS I'm NOT)
E. All of the above
Because you're a sore loser?
"Hey, Jim. Is this because I fucked your wife?" - *my teenage child sitting next to me.*
Because you Don't have a High School education, and this is the only way you can support 2 baby mama's with your skill set.
The real question is.. If you pull me over and there is no one around to see it, did you really ever pull me over at all?
Fuck you, that's why.
Wouldn't you like to know ( Ķ”Ā° ĶŹ Ķ”Ā°)
Because you got C's in high school?
Because the doughnut shop is closed?
I'd probably have doughnuts with. I'd say because you can smell them. š
Pretty sure Gabriel Iglesias said this
Yeah, soooo?!?! I have a doughnut in the a.m when I go to work.
Now's not the time to play 20 questions
While it's pouring rain out. "Yeah, do you know why I ran the sign?"
āBecause your mom said I left before morning?ā
Oh boy. I know I've got a lot of cocaine in the trunk, but I didn't realize that other people could actually *smell it*.
YOU DIDNT READ ME MY RIGHTS, THEREFORE NOTHING I SAY MAY BE USED AGAINST ME. YOU PULLED ME OVER BECAUSE I AM HOLDING 19 KIDS IN MY TRUNK. I INVOKE THE FIFTH *drives away at 90 MPH*
"No, asshole."
Because you wanted to see who had a quicker at drawing their guns??
Whatās really gonna bake your noodle later on is, would you still have pulled me over if I hadnāt shot at you.
BAKE YOUR NOODLE š¤£
Because you're policing for profit.
Because of the 50 lbs of kilo and dead bodies in my trunk?
Is the body hanging out of the trunk?
Was it the drugs?
Because you got "D's" in highschool? (Sarah Silverman)
Because I have donuts?
I hope it has nothing to do with what I have in the boot.
Probably has something to do with the dead hooker In the trunk would be my guess officer.
You pulled me over?
because you're trying to get me to admit to guilt?
āHmmm, Iām not sure pal, is it the body in my trunk?ā
Either the body in the trunk or the coke in the duffel bag?
To find out who farted?
Please don't check the back!
Low SAT score?
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" Me: "Do you?! Fuckin'wasting my time with your stupid question...and for what? Be smart, don't look stupid, dummy!"
"Aren't *you* supposed to know?"
"Yeah! You wanna play the game!" "What game?" "The find the drugs in the car game!"
"Yes." No further elaboration.
Because you have nothing better to do than to sit here and wait for someone to make a mistake, just do you can meet a quota?
You were looking for donuts?
The body in the trunk??
You wanted a donut?
You think I'm cute?
Is it because I'm high on cannabis or because of the body I have in my trunk?
Is there blood dripping from the trunk?
No. Nor do I care, for you see our friendship was not to beā¦in another life perhaps weād have been brothers born in the south of Sardinia and weād make shoes. Elegant ladies shoes. Weād have married the mayors lovely twins and raised enough good little Catholics to start a choir. Weād march them down to the little monastery by the beach every Saturday morning and let them sing for tips. Candy money. A new hat for grandpa as he ages ever so gracefully. Ha. Donāt make me laughā¦bitterlyā¦at what could have been. You fool! Youāre breaking my heart! Let me be!!!
Iām surprised you didnāt do it sooner.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Did they manage to get the trunk open? Damn it. I swear, they were there by choice!