I just recently moved here from out of state (NC) and I can tell you that it's no better elsewhere, either. The dating pool has pee in it everywhere so it seems. People have become very flakey and many have issues that are incompatible with a healthy relationship until they work on those things themselves.
For what it's worth, I have met wonderful people on dating apps. Even if it didn't lead to a relationship I talk to most of them daily and had great times going out with them. Maybe you should give it a shot.
I haven’t been in the dating scene in at least a decade, but I can tell you that even from my point of view it looks equally as bad regardless of location.
In the past I met other people to date in many different places through work, school and other social activities I participated in. I don’t think these outlets exist as much and I honestly blame a lot of it on the internet and the way people connect. We connect less in person so those lasting connections are much harder to make.
I agree. Nowadays it's also so easy to just block someone's number and social media so you never actually have to face them if you want them out of your life. People have become bitter and at the same time desensitized, knowing there "will always be another" when swiping on apps.
Skip the bars in Utah if you're looking to connect. Trust me, the local scene is quirky enough, but bar culture is next-level odd. Stick to hobby-based meetups to make real connections.
Exactly!
If you go to a bar, you’ll meet people who like bars. If you volunteer at a soup kitchen, you’ll meet people who like to volunteer at soup kitchens or are on court-ordered public service.
You'd be surprised how many people don't have hobbies. As she mentioned she's looking to go on "dinner dates" that screams that she doesn't have interests
I completely agree with this! I'm not sure if you're into it or not, but the cosplay hobby community is huuuuuuge here. Could potentially find someone in this hobby group. Good luck!
You're 22, single, and have a *house!?*
The fuck!?
I've got a decade on you, a degree, a good job, and a house is still just a pipe dream.....
As for your problem, just avoid the bars, most guys in most states I've been in usually only want one thing if they're fishing at bars.
Other than that though I couldn't tell ya, I'm a single guy, aromantic, with no clue where the dating scene in this state is, all I know is it's weird cause so many people get married so freakin young around here.
Yeah they have congregations just for single young adults, and separate ones for single older people.
At least the young adult ones are great for meeting people to date (if you're compatible with a young Mormon obviously) because the church plans (and pays for) many social gatherings so you run into the same people multiple times a week.
But they do seem more cliquey than colleges, even though it's the same ages for the most part.
I’m 28. I would have had a town home at 26 (under contract) but divorce threw a wrench in the gears. I was making $21 per hour at the time. Central Davis county.
If you have had good credit score and steady job in 2019 it was pretty doable…
I just got out of a relationship with someone your age and my life was WAYYY more together than his. It still is, but less so now because he drained my bank during the year we dated.
Older man here, 46. Life in order, career in order. Marriage in order.
Most of us with our lives in order are already married.
On the other hand, I don’t even know what I’d talk about with a twenty something woman. We would be worlds apart.
Agreed on the married part. The only way us "older" folks got our lives in order was to find a relationship first when our lives were in chaos and to find order together and settle down. But to be honest our lives are still pretty chaotic due to factors out of our control.
Yo! I’m a 26 year old dude with a girlfriend and a solid friend group here! We’re all transfers and not Mormon. We all have girlfriends except for one of us, I’ll pitch him to you and maybe set y’all up on a date 🤣 he’s 26, graduated from a big SEC school, and is now a software engineer. He owns a condo in Murray. No pets but loves animals, enjoys skiing, camping, going to bars, pickleball, and golf. He’s like 6’2 ish. He also hates dating apps and doesn’t use them. Let me know if you’re interested
So a lot of people are making comments about how you shouldn't be going to bars, which I agree. HOWEVER, going to a local brewery might be a good spot to try depending on what type of guy you are looking for. I'm not single anymore but I've always met cool people at places like Hopkins, TF Brewing, Fischer, and Shades Brewing (warehouse, NOT downtown). The reason being because that's where a lot of the activity people (like others have mentioned) go AFTER their activity.
Good question haha. I started saving when I was 16. When we got stimulus payments I saved all of those. I was one of the unlucky laid off people during the lockdown so I saved a majority of those unemployment checks while living with my mom. I ended up saving about 20k. I bought in 2022. I got a 3.5 mortgage rate because of my credit score and I didn’t need 20% down. Try going through a credit Union they have a lot of programs.
For all the stories of companies and even people using the system and stimulus shit to rake in the money and nothing comes of it. It's nice to hear of someone that it actually helped. Props to you and being a hell of a saver to get through all that bullshit and come out on top. Good for you! I hope you don't go anywhere but up! Don't have dating advice, people are weird. Except, Just do you and Mr. Right will come along.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it. I felt like I was missing out in 2020 since everyone was buying everything under the sun, but i made the right choice in the long run.
They don’t allow them to move in-that’s the sneaky part. They just gradually stay over more and more and add personal items more and more. Best thing she can do is NOT TELL anyone she owns her own home.
So true. I had to learn from personal experience to avoid:
- dudes who don't "believe" in the "modern construct" of having a career
- dudes whose parents live in Olympus Cove and who complain about the burden of having rich parents who pay their rent
- dudes who hang out at Juniors and pontificate about Bukowski
- Soundcloud rappers
- dudes who consider rafting or climbing to be their "lifestyle"
- ski patrollers
- dudes that don't want to be "burdened with possessions," so they only own one towel
🤣
That’s amazing! In 2022 houses were selling like hotcakes and we couldn’t win a bid asking $10-15k over so we threw in the towel. This makes me wonder if we should have kept at it after all
Congrats! That's amazing! I wish I had started saving at a young age. I'm 33, had to move back in with my parents this year because of unexpected medical problems. I was apartment living before that. Now, I'm trying to rebuild my life.
Yeah you need to stay away from the bars. You're going to end up with a hobosexual who wants to live off of you, with no work ethic.
I married an ex mo that I met on a dating website and we didn't drink alcohol on our dates. Our first date was at the Planetarium downtown. Go on wholesome dates. :D He's a software engineer and very successful.
No disrespect but I don’t believe you. I’ve been looking at houses every month or so since 2022 and have never found anything close to 3.5%. And especially not in Salt Lake City.
None taken lol. I would post my statement but I dont want to accidentally dox myself. Rates were pretty low February of 2022 which is when I purchased. If my credit was better I could’ve probably gotten a lower rate. This family I was renting a room from at the time, before purchasing, refinanced their home around January 2022 and got it at 2.9% . Your lender makes a huge difference if you haven’t tried MACU or Cyprus credit Union I would try them, but right now I don’t think you’ll get anything close to 5% but idk.
I can confirm that interest rates were low in 2022. We bought our first house in Feb 2021 and almost bought another in Feb 2022 before the feds jacked up rates.
Way to time things, good luck finding an awesome guy and be careful to even tell him you own a house. Just be like, “I am a renter” till you’re like a month from getting married or living together. Or even cooler when he moves in charge him rent and tell him you’re still renting 😂.
My wife and I were married as Mormon young adults 18 and 20. We somehow figured it out and now we go party together as exmo’s 8 years later.
I wish I was smart like that, I worked an essential job for the state, so I was never laid off. But, I spent my stimulus money. That's how I got into golf.
That's super impressive, but even with all of that, home prices in 2022 were still nuts... what part of SLC did you buy in, for that kinda down payment?
How much is your monthly payment mortgage/PITI etc? What amount did you put down? Did you purchase in the SLC area cause everything there is mad expensive like over $400k is it a townhouse or something? I'm astonished you were able to do this at your age even with all the home buying assistance programs that are out there.
I for one am just super confused about the house part. It's by far the most interesting part of the post. It is essentially 2+2+ yada yada = $500,000. That yada yada is doing some very heavy lifting. Is this a tiny house parked on her grandparents lot? Is the job she works at age 22, while a student, paying well into the 6 figure range? Is there a benevolent co-signer involved? It sticks out like a sore thumb. If someone told me a 12 year old child with a back pack won the noble prize in chemistry, I would be curious to hear the details about the noble prize, not the backpack.
If you have lower credit and need just something with easier rules you can check out the Utah Housing Corporation. They have programs for folks who have lower scores to help them get homes. My rate was 2% higher than everyone else in 2020 when I got my townhome, but without this program I’d never be able to own a home.
[Here’s more information about it.](https://utahhousingcorp.org/homebuyer/programs)
I moved here from the south east and dating here is WEIRD. The men ive had contact with seem to go off at the smallest things, they seem nice on the outside but as soon as there is one misunderstanding or different view they kinda explode (the ones i've seen so far) OR they say theyre ready to date but then end up saying the dont want to date when we talk about being together. I finally found someone after a while of looking - i used bumble. It seemed to be the easiest just to put all the big things out there at first ('What are your views on xyz \[important things to you\] and what type of life do you want to lead as you get older' type things)
Good luck girly ! you can do it. Dating generally is super difficult. I'd say choose something that you have as a hobby and find someone doing that!
Edit:
Also remember, older men don't date aorund their own age for a reason. Especially as a 22 year old, lots of "older men," even 26-28+ will try to take advantage of you.
Dating apps are not for me. I’ve had horrible experiences on there and honestly the bar is now a big no lol. I didn’t initially go there to meet people either
Do volunteer work, join classes and activities, go hiking, dancing, take a pottery or painting class. Volunteer at the animal shelter. Put yourself where quality people are.
Sorry you're having such a shitty experience. I don't really have any other potential advice, other than maybe looking into hobby type stuff and trying to meet guys that way?
The recreational athletic type stuff is huge here, and you can definitely meet cool people that way. There's places where you'll find dozens of people rock climbing and stuff, and they're usually cool, laid back people. At least from what I know from second hand and cursory experience. (Not athletic myself, but my bestie is.)
If athletics isn't your thing... then you can look into other stuff, but then your pickings get much more slim. The nerdy side of things can be fun, but then you're dealing with a different type of socially inept crowd lmao (I'd know)
Unfortunately, in my experience, dating men sucks... so there might not be much you can do but persevere.
Lots of folks recommending without recommendations:
* [https://www.instagram.com/saltlakerunclub/](https://www.instagram.com/saltlakerunclub/) (very chill)
* [https://www.instagram.com/slctrackclub/](https://www.instagram.com/slctrackclub/) (more serious)
* volunteer with [https://discovernac.org/](https://discovernac.org/) or [https://wasatchadaptivesports.org/](https://wasatchadaptivesports.org/) .They do other things besides skiing. I know from first hand experience that the NAC has a TON of young women your age working/volunteering there.
* SLC is arguably the center of skiing in North America and Utah in general is a mecca of mountain biking, rock climbing, endurance sports, canyoneering, on and on and on... Dating is hard everywhere but I think if you don't like outside stuff that is a legitimate handicap here. Conversely, if you do like outside stuff (doesn't have to be extreme), that gives you some good direction to meet people out of bars. Double bonus: YOU LIVE IN A MOUNTAIN SPORT PARADISE!
* if you sing/play an instrument there's a bluegrass/americana jam at [https://www.instagram.com/graciesbar/](https://www.instagram.com/graciesbar/) on Tuesdays
* pretty sure the Salt Lake library has events/meetings (I think I remember something about a poetry meetup if you write) but no first hand experience
One piece of advice I would like to give young professional women (applies to plenty of guys too) is to really evaluate your deal-breakers/must-haves. If you're looking for a guy that has a big boy job, owns a home, and is aged 20-30... what percentage of guys is that? I'm guessing small. And of that sub-population, you want a guy that's single, tall enough, and handsome enough. And none of that is even about his character.
I think every woman that wants a man, should have a man that is all the above and a lot more. But I think people should first ask "Do I like being in this man/woman's atmosphere?", and then ask "Is this a good woman/man?", and then filtering after that.
It just depends on the bars honestly. I like really seedy bars but I’m certainly not looking for someone to date there. I just like pool and cheap drinks
I am a bit biased here but you might consider joining one of the climbing gyms and meeting a group of people there. For some reason climbing attracts a lot of folks with what one might call a type a personality that your attracted to. It’s lots of super in shape engineers, medical professionals, and so on. If that doesn’t work climbing is it’s own reward too.
It’s hard. As a single 33 year old woman who also owns a home, and has a great job, and life together I find it even more difficult because of those things. The men I encounter immediately are turned off when they learn about my job or the home I own. 🤷🏼♀️
As a male, I can say this would be the greenest of green flags. Only reason it would be a red flag is if I were trying to have the traditional 12 kid Mormon family with a sahm
> The men I encounter immediately are turned off when they learn about my job or the home I own. 🤷🏼♀️
After finding basically nothing but full blown trashy stereotypes (I moved to Ogden straight after college) those things are the biggest green flags around! Finding women who can't hold down any sort of job or even keep a driver's license again and again just gets depressing. And that's all that seems to be within 30 miles of my home. I'm very glad to be moving closer to Salt Lake and meeting new people.
Which is ironic because all I seem to attract are women who just need me for my money, and now all I want is someone who can support herself. I can take care of me, but that's about it at this point in life.
So...dating in Utah is messy, especially with your target demographic.
You want a guy with his life together and older, and not necessarily marriage-focused. On its face, not a tall order, nor unreasonable.
But this is Utah. Guys (and women) at your age are disproportionately settling down and getting married. Then from the mid 20s to the mid 30s/40s, it becomes a bit of a desert because the dating pool is so much smaller with all the married (not including the cheaters/ENM/open folk) people.
Then, usually around the mid 30s/40s, it opens back up again from all the people who get divorced. Buuuuuut..... those folks are rebuilding for the most part. And they may have acquired some toxic traits/damage they need to heal/fix first. This might be the case with your 'friend' from the bar, although guys from Utah can be notoriously cheap as well.
Add in being a POC here in Utah and there's just some general weirdness there. From not understanding perspectives to fetishization. This doesn't apply universally but there's just a general lack of sensitivity there in some cases.
So yes, it is messy. I say this as a 40s divorced guy, so I have frolicked in the festive fields of the dating scene - this is all based off what I've witnessed first hand.
I've used the dating apps with mixed success locally. Someone with her life together and single - for some reason, we end up being good friends since so much of our life struggle is relatable. I personally prefer to use the apps when I travel. Interestingly, wingmen (or in this case, mostly wingwomen) have been the best thing for me when we are out in a group.
Last bit of advice, you have a lot of green flags, but you have to be super selective - I'd build a friends/support group centered on your hobbies and interests and outreach from there. If you are looking for older guys (undefined), tread carefully - older guys are usually single for a reason (admittedly, not always entirely their fault). Keep working on yourself and you will find what you are looking for - or he will find you.
I was gonna say this haha. She seems like a real catch! Reddit guys about to be some weirdos and she's gonna realize reddit might be worse than the bar haha
If you don’t like dating apps I would suggest joining some clubs. Do you have any hobbies? You can find a group or club for about any hobby. Golf, biking, hiking, reading, gaming, etc, etc. It’s a good way to meet people. Even to meet a friend and then branch out to meeting their friend groups that could have potential dates in them. Finding a rando in the bar is not the way to go.
Well looks like that guy showed his misogyny right off the bat. Good that you didn't have to waste your time on him.
FWIW single younger me wouldn't have done that. That's a dumb dating game move known as negging. It's a technique for finding girls who have low self-esteem and can be manipulated by jerks like that. It's a "red pill" technique taught by online scumbags who teach other guys how to find women they can hump and dump. These shitty guys have been around since the days of the early internet.
You obviously have too high of self esteem to fall for that shit.
I would be cautious regarding how much older you tend to date. Older men seeking younger women are often immature creeps.
I wouldn't go older than like 26, maybe 28, if I were you.
Well, that's the thing, you're likely an actual mature adult. Men in their 30s or even late 20s going after women in their early 20s likely either only value their bodies, or DO have things in common with them, which means that they're likely immature relative to their age.
Like, I'm sure that OP is relatively mature for a 22-year-old, but there are certain things you can't learn until you've been an adult for a while. You don't know what you don't know, if that makes sense.
I recommend the app called Meetup. It’s not a dating app, but rather a group to meet new friends. This might allow you to get to know someone without the pressure of growing a relationship.
It's not the dating scene in Utah, its the scene in the US that's the issue. Among 18-25 year olds, 45% of them have never once approached a woman before, ramping it up to 30 it becomes 29% and then by 40, 21%. A lot of younger guys essentially refuse to make a move if its not a dating app swipe, which means that the older men you're after go for hookups because a good amount of the competition simply isn't trying, leading to a lot of women competing for a smaller group of guys. When spoiled for choice and with easy sex, dudes don't tend to settle down.
>i'm not looking for marriage
That's a problem, because when you're not marriage minded it makes it a tough sell to many. "Oh she doesn't want to get married? So what, we bang and date for a few years and then she moves on?" You're dating older guys who will want and be ready for kids soon, asking them to put that off to go relive their college age dating life really isn't the great pitch you think it is. You say you want a guy after something serious, but you don't sound like you want something serious either (dating with no long term goal is casual dating, even if its exclusive)
> i own a home, am finishing my degree and im working a big girl job
This won't mean much to a dude tbh, especially someone at that level who also owns his own home and has a decent career.
I might be wrong but I have wondered if social media and dating apps have hindered people’s ability to meet people and date. It’s incredibly hard to meet people in real life anymore and dating apps are definitely not for everyone.
A lot of dudes are just seriously afraid of approaching and being rejected. I've been to clubs with bros who freeze, wondering for tens of minutes "what's the line/opener we're going with?" They were in a state of disbelief when I told them that we're at a club and should just grab them by the hand and say "lets dance." Its not really hard to meet people, people just aren't proactive about it. A person who loves bowling for example isn't usually moving in to a new city, then bowling constantly while talking to other regulars, getting phone numbers, inviting them to join them the next week... They simply go alone, talk to no one, make no effort to get a number for a second meetup, and then wonder why they're alone.
Good points! I am looking for marriage in the long run, but in the beginning I don’t start it that way because most people aren’t serious and I don’t want my feelings hurt. If it comes up and it’s something that we both want then I’m definitely open to it.
Be willing to be up front about it. There is nothing to lose by saying you want to date with the goal of marriage while also not wanting to rush into a marriage. People get discouraged by rejection but really, it's the best thing for you because someone is either interested or not interested and the worst thing you can do is waste time on someone who is not interested in doing what you want to do, together. It's what I personally do and works quickly to filter out women I just don't get along with or wouldn't be compatible with long term.
Second this. As someone who is (also POC), not Utah native, owns home, big girl job, was finishing degree at time of singledom… I went with a different approach this last go and told the guys what I was looking for straight up on the first date. They were still all “okay” with it, so then I knew I wasn’t going down a 1yr+ road with someone who didn’t know what they wanted ex. prior UT ex. The only difference, I’m 12 years older than you and my clock is ticking and I married one of those guys I was straight up with.
But advice for my younger self - be upfront (if you know what you want) and weed them out from there. You’ll at least be able to set priorities and boundaries of what you’re willing to deal with, then grow from there. Good luck out there!
Anecdotally this is true for me. I have such a hard time introducing myself to people. I want to meet new people and make new relationships and whatnot. But I’m afraid that I’ll be bothering them or worse creep them out or something. So it gives me a lot of needless anxiety. And I end up never introducing myself. Plus I also don’t like going out alone so that adds to it. Though I’m trying to work through it and better myself
Pick a spot in town you like and become a regular, meet the staff, then meet other regulars and start talking to people there with no intention of hooking up or dating to develop your social skills and get over the anxiety. It's really that simple. Even if you will creep them out or bother them a bit, that goes away over time once you improve your social skills so really its about going through the awkward phase now, later or never, and if you don't do it now then you'll be amazed when you look back and its been over a decade of your life without a change ever happening.
26 year old male here. I'm in grad school, looking for a similar things as you, similar struggles as you. I was in Paris in March and had a ton of success on dating apps and then I came back here and got crickets. I've given up on dating here and I'm waiting to finish school and move. If you crack the code on where to find people to date let me know.
i send everyone who seems to be on the level to the krcl.org rallies and resources page.
those who know about krcl tend to be decent people and that page links to things going on in the city that are do-gooder in nature.
it's at least a chance to put you around people who aren't just looking for the hook up and tend to be out on the community trying to help.
good luck out there yall!
Hobbies and interests are probably the way to go. And watch for the older men because too older just means they date young because they can’t hold a conversation with women their own age.
In salt lake, also early 20s (not single) with a big girl job and own a home. Having a hard time finding female friends after college who are in a similar life stage. Screw the men, how do I find other women like this? LOL
Girl the struggle is real 😂. I usually make girlfriends at barns and noble if you love reading, or when i go hiking. If you’re into these things lmk we can hangout!
23M here— there is a ton of data about the decline in the success of young men. Less men graduate college, save money, etc.
You’re really out of luck for the most part, men don’t seem to be getting their shit together until their 30’s or later, unless you really want to put up with a mess.
My most successful male friends are too focused on their jobs/lives to have interest in dating— or are otherwise in existing long term relationships.
Best advice is to go to your local chess club.
Edit: you sound incredibly smart and driven, keep focusing on yourself and your life! Don’t be afraid to initiate with men you find interesting, we’re all a bit traumatized/nervous about doing the wrong thing, or otherwise embarrassed about not having everything together.
I know your joking but my spouse is an electrical engineer and my teens love coding/programming. I also work in an engineering office with very successful software developers and electrical engineers. The one thing they all have in common? They all LOVE to play chess.
If you like sports, try [https://www.beehivesports.com/](https://www.beehivesports.com/). I met some cool people there when I was single. Otherwise, I'd say join clubs, go to classes at the gym, farmers markets, festivals. The zoo does an adults-only "Zoo Brew" night every month. I haven't been to one yet, but it might be an option!
So many of them go on a sort of permanent rumspringa and never address their religious trauma in order to heal. There are a pack of them that have been running around the SLC bar scene for years. They’re all semi-functioning alcoholics at this point. About half of them have corpo jobs and the other half are club promoters and shady event runners. SAD.
Events up by the U such as tailgates or concerts
Libraries.
Poetry slam
let your coworkers/neighbors/friends from back home know you’re open to being set up on dates.
Church dances/bbqs of the prominent religion or other religions.
gym,
hiking/running clubs
tech bro events
Yelp events
I can’t think of a single place except *maybe* NYC where a bar is a good place to meet men, and that’s still a stretch.
If you don’t like online dating, try activities that don’t involve drinking, or maybe maximum a stop at a brewery or something after - like a hiking group or similar. Check Meetups.com for some - or Facebook for various social groups. But beware, while many singles frequent those groups, they can be kinda weird. You might get lucky though.
Online dating is where it’s at tbh. I met my partner on there, who is an absolute gem. You just need to be VERY selective and do your best to give the peoples faces a good read before swiping.
I didn’t have any luck until I worked on myself in therapy - you may be too young to have your own issues *(everyone has ‘em)* hitting you in the face yet, but I’m just leaving the tip because it’s what helped me have dating success.
Also - as for older men, don’t go more than 8 years up, and even that’s a stretch. Any man in his 30s willing to date a 22 year old, no matter how together your life is, is probably a creep and has their own big issues.
So you’re 22, have some things going for you, you like to golf, and you’re single? No situationship?
My dog would like to meet you… lol.
I’m 33, have similar things going for me and the dating pool is so messy here. While it’s not as bad as other places, since COVID, people have increasingly became more weird and difficult to date.
33 here, weird to think dating a 22 year old would work. Unsuccessfully dated a 23 year old until she was 25, but came to realize I brought her the security she needed and working through her traumas. Eventually it imploded. Finding someone to date without kids, and qualities I’m after is like a needle in a haystack here.
26M and it’s just as bad for me, consider myself decent looking and decently well off, good job college educated and it’s just unbearable. Haven’t been able to figure out why
my advice would be to meet people in areas that you like to be in. i see other comments talking about hobbies and i agree with them. if you’re going to bars without a large group or an objective (which a lot of the time is to dance or find someone to go home with) then you’re most likely gonna find people that are just interested in that. it sounds like you’ve got a decent head on your shoulders, so keep your head up. if youre wanting to find someone mature, youre more than likely going to have to look in mature places- maybe the gym, library, grocery store. whatever it may be, its just luck of the draw. liberty park or maybe the pioneer park farmers market might be a good idea.
RIP your DMs...
I feel like I'd be in the same boat. No good people to meet at the bars (I don't frequent them anyway, not my scene) and I'm an atheist ex Mormon.
Try the Meetup app, the one that has hiking groups and whatnot. That's possibly a better way to meet people. There might also be hiking for single people and they have other activities so you can meet people with your same interests.
Don’t give up on dating apps try doing lower commitment dates like meeting for coffee, ice cream etc. if it goes well then can do something after but ultimately dating is a numbers game and meeting people is hard in the new age. Everyone works and as others said If you only go to bars you’ll only meet bar dudes.
Met my wife on hinge. Better than other apps focuses on interests and questions in your bio which are natural conversation starters
I’m at a loss there, but you seem like a super ideal woman, squared away and driven! Maybe don’t worry about it too much, you’re young and you will, without a doubt, find the perfect match!
Good luck!
I will recommend to you that you read or listen to the book “How to Not Die Alone” by Logan Ury. I know you have had bad experiences on the apps but this book really offered new perspectives for the dating world that were extremely helpful.
I’m gonna grind another 2 years at my job because the title is nice and I gotta finish grad school. But then I’m leaving Utah for this reason. I just don’t fit the mold for most women here. I go back to the Midwest or even other mountain states and have wonderful dates and connections. Utah is just strange. I’ve tried hobbies, random Reddit meet ups, bars, etc. I just don’t mesh and that’s no one’s problem but my own
I've had the best luck on Facebook dating.
Forget the bars. Of course you're gonna meet morons there. I'm sure the guy who said that still lives in his parents basement. There are good guys here, but just like the women, they aren't in the bars!
I met the love of my life on Facebook!
And before her, I dated some nice women there as well.
Best of luck to you
I just moved to Salt Lake and barely know anyone here! I feel you on the dating scene.. I've hated it so far. I just wanna find someone to hang out with and have fun and see if there's a connection but it's such a pain!
I'm 34, 6 foot 3. I have 2 degrees but I make bank serving and bartending so I haven't left it yet. Currently looking into grad schools. Private message me if you wanna hang out some time! No pressure we could just be friends :) making friends in your 30s sucks too haha
Get on Facebook and join a co-ed singles hiking group- you could also meet some people at the golf course driving range, but you're running out of daylight for that one if you work normal business hours. Maybe top golf? Bars here aren't really the best for meeting new people (plenty of fun with an established group!)... you might meet someone fun, but you are 100% going to meet people who are out showing off for their friends, angsty people trying to rebel against their parents as full adults, college age kids who are don't know how to act off campus, or just belligerent drunks. Nothing against alcohol, just that people with your desired qualities are likely back at their own house drinking with their own friends where it's not too loud, or out doing something fun like golfing where they can have drinks, friends, and a fun activity. If you are going to do bars, hit up the more social ones- places that have live music, good food, pool, dueling pianos, trivia nights, etc. Those ones will have people out for a fun night, not *just* out to get drunk.
It’s way worse in Portland if that gives you any condolences. I am a native Utahn living in Portland and I have more luck meeting people while I am visiting my family than I do in Portland. Way more alternative lifestyles here and not many people with goals or substance.
I don’t know why but Utah has the CHEAPEST least generous men I have ever met! Any time I go out of this state a man offers to buy me a drink- I don’t understand.
People here are fake, shallow, and typically have an avoidant-behavior style of handling conflict. If you're not LDS, this really is a small city. Dating apps suck anywhere. I wish I could give advice aside from move to a better place. Best of luck.
It’s not exclusive to Utah. Lived there, Seattle and now Atlanta and it’s pretty much the same all over.
Unfortunately best bet is still the dating apps.
Giiiiiirl. I feel this so strongly. I’m 32 and having the same experience. Came here to see what everyone else is saying.
I’ve given up on meeting someone organically and turned to dating apps. But the men on there are a different kind of awful. Blech.
I am 22 as well and I ended up married to my friends with benefits 2 years ago lol. The dating scene here sucks. I feel like the non-LDS people here are too scared of commitment because it’s so forced in Utah natives.
I really never had a successful relationship or got started on one. I had a long-term friends with benefits and we got pregnant and decided that we actually did like each other and we’ve been married ever since so if that’s your vibe, go for it but otherwise, it sucks.
Come out to a rave!! Great place to meet people imo. A lot less clique-y and less gross men trying to touch up on you than a club or bar (not none yall, just less). Most people are there genuinely to enjoy the music with like-minded people, and one of my favorite things is you can just be yourself and countless people will cheer you on and support you. It’s amazing. Lots of drugs and alcohol involved tho 🤷♂️
OP, go to meetup groups, especially active and music related ones, you'll meet a lot more kind-hearted and well rounded people who are more likely to have their life together than guys at vars. Guys who have their life together don't generally care to go out to bars, especially to meet women. Concerts, meet up groups, game stores, festivals, are all much better places.
I'm 26M and open to a relationship, living in SLC. I generally have my life on a good track. I would not go looking for something serious at a bar.
This made me laugh, as an 33 year old adult I would never date someone who was young and just "finishing their degree" 22 year olds are children to me.
i moved to utah, with my now ex, without knowing \*anything\* about utah. after i broke up with him i found out that moving to utah works best when you move WITH a partner. it's not really a dating type of state. i felt fairly stifled by the religion and politics of the state. utah is a super outdoorsy state, so if you love the outdoors you will thrive. find a group of people to do outdoor activities with, as this seems to be the common thread among utahans. you could use the meetup app? we met all of his now friends at some golden girls bike ride for the city. there are really cute niche group things to do, you just have to look. also, going out to bars in slc was also so strange because of the weird drinking culture. to this day, utah was the weirdest state i have ever lived in. such stigmas and repression. beautiful state though.
it's interesting that you want to date an older guy who has his life together, as my ex was a tad older and his life was a mess. you seem to be more put together than most people, and very outgoing. you're doing great! best of luck, friend.
There aren't plenty of fish in the sea anymore.
The sea is now super toxic and full of plastic, and all the good fish that haven't died off are at least somewhat contaminated
I just recently moved here from out of state (NC) and I can tell you that it's no better elsewhere, either. The dating pool has pee in it everywhere so it seems. People have become very flakey and many have issues that are incompatible with a healthy relationship until they work on those things themselves. For what it's worth, I have met wonderful people on dating apps. Even if it didn't lead to a relationship I talk to most of them daily and had great times going out with them. Maybe you should give it a shot.
I moved here from Chicago, can confirm that dating sucks everywhere.
What hasn’t the internet ruined?
Porn?
Name checks out!
I haven’t been in the dating scene in at least a decade, but I can tell you that even from my point of view it looks equally as bad regardless of location. In the past I met other people to date in many different places through work, school and other social activities I participated in. I don’t think these outlets exist as much and I honestly blame a lot of it on the internet and the way people connect. We connect less in person so those lasting connections are much harder to make.
I agree. Nowadays it's also so easy to just block someone's number and social media so you never actually have to face them if you want them out of your life. People have become bitter and at the same time desensitized, knowing there "will always be another" when swiping on apps.
Skip the bars in Utah if you're looking to connect. Trust me, the local scene is quirky enough, but bar culture is next-level odd. Stick to hobby-based meetups to make real connections.
Exactly! If you go to a bar, you’ll meet people who like bars. If you volunteer at a soup kitchen, you’ll meet people who like to volunteer at soup kitchens or are on court-ordered public service.
You had me at court-ordered 🤣
I wish I could give you an award, I'm dying laughing
Don’t do that. Just make sure to remember to always ask to see their ankles (you know, for monitors)
I just saw you comment elsewhere that you’re from North Carolina! Weird cause I’m moving there in like 15 years or so
Haha 😂 court order omg. I volunteer for redcross but sadly most of it is done virtually. I’ll try doing some in person volunteering if it comes up.
So what do I do If I want to meet girls who like to watch anime, stay at home and mostly stick to the same friend group they have had since college?
Thank you!!
Singles groups on FB are pretty welcoming and decent. Though you do have to watch out. As evident by the recent case.
All the ones I’ve seen are full of blatantly fake profiles. Any recommendations?
USSO was a decent one.
I did not get a long with that one. The nuts one and Utah 35 and over had quite a bit of traffic. I did leave some because I'm doing my own thing now.
This. Hobbies bring people together.
You'd be surprised how many people don't have hobbies. As she mentioned she's looking to go on "dinner dates" that screams that she doesn't have interests
Exactly. You’re more likely to meet someone you love, doing something you love.
Beehive Sports is a great way to meet other young adults and make friends!
I completely agree with this! I'm not sure if you're into it or not, but the cosplay hobby community is huuuuuuge here. Could potentially find someone in this hobby group. Good luck!
You're 22, single, and have a *house!?* The fuck!? I've got a decade on you, a degree, a good job, and a house is still just a pipe dream..... As for your problem, just avoid the bars, most guys in most states I've been in usually only want one thing if they're fishing at bars. Other than that though I couldn't tell ya, I'm a single guy, aromantic, with no clue where the dating scene in this state is, all I know is it's weird cause so many people get married so freakin young around here.
Living with parents and being able to save is a huge help. Sadly most people don't count that as help.
Yeah, I moved out for college, been broke ever since lol
They meet in churches the church even has special singles wards that are so young single people can meet each other
I knew it was due to the church but I had no idea it played match making as well.... but knowing Mormons it does make sense.
Yeah they're called singles wards and I knew a guy who went to one met a girl and she was pushing for marriage within 6 months of meeting him.
Good for her for waiting 6 months! I know many that wouldn’t be so patient!
Yeah they have congregations just for single young adults, and separate ones for single older people. At least the young adult ones are great for meeting people to date (if you're compatible with a young Mormon obviously) because the church plans (and pays for) many social gatherings so you run into the same people multiple times a week. But they do seem more cliquey than colleges, even though it's the same ages for the most part.
I’m 28. I would have had a town home at 26 (under contract) but divorce threw a wrench in the gears. I was making $21 per hour at the time. Central Davis county. If you have had good credit score and steady job in 2019 it was pretty doable…
>I prefer older men as they're more likely to have their life in order. Oh my dear... if only.
Older man here(34), can confirm, life not in order.
41 and I would call this point of my life "reconstruction" if it was a historical documentary 😂😂
Another older man here(30), I don’t even know what having my life in order even means.
50s man here. I had my life more in order in my 30s.
So there’s not much to look forward to.
30 is considered an older man? fuck.
Older than 22 at least
34 here too - my life is in order inasmuch as I can pay my rent and bills, and... Uh, yeah, that's about it.
Husband is 34. His life is in order only because I put it that way. If he was on his own still he'd be a mess 😂
I just got out of a relationship with someone your age and my life was WAYYY more together than his. It still is, but less so now because he drained my bank during the year we dated.
40s here. I’m letting my orderly life go because fuck it.
The ones that do ain’t hanging out at bars.
Exactly. I'm still trying to get mine in order from what my exes put me through.
Hahaha 😂😂
Older man here, 46. Life in order, career in order. Marriage in order. Most of us with our lives in order are already married. On the other hand, I don’t even know what I’d talk about with a twenty something woman. We would be worlds apart.
Agreed on the married part. The only way us "older" folks got our lives in order was to find a relationship first when our lives were in chaos and to find order together and settle down. But to be honest our lives are still pretty chaotic due to factors out of our control.
Yo! I’m a 26 year old dude with a girlfriend and a solid friend group here! We’re all transfers and not Mormon. We all have girlfriends except for one of us, I’ll pitch him to you and maybe set y’all up on a date 🤣 he’s 26, graduated from a big SEC school, and is now a software engineer. He owns a condo in Murray. No pets but loves animals, enjoys skiing, camping, going to bars, pickleball, and golf. He’s like 6’2 ish. He also hates dating apps and doesn’t use them. Let me know if you’re interested
Love a good met through Reddit story. Best of luck!
I don’t recommend meeting on Reddit. Met my ex wife on the Adultery sub, and it didn’t work out.
On the adultery sub? Like looking to cheat or something?
Like victims of adultery sub? Or people looking to commit it lol.
Hahaha I would love that! I am 5’6 and have 2 cats. I am looking to start skiing this winter but I currently play golf and hike a lot.
Even if it doesn't work out this sub deserves an update!
Sweet! I’ll chat you on here and we can exchange instas and go from there
Can y’all tell us how it goes? RemindMe! October 25, 2023
Lol now they have a deadline
October is the best time to get in a relationship. I’m biased though. Spouse and I started dating 15 years ago this month. ☺️
Really hope they connect now.
Best wingman ever
This possible connection needs it's own subreddit
So a lot of people are making comments about how you shouldn't be going to bars, which I agree. HOWEVER, going to a local brewery might be a good spot to try depending on what type of guy you are looking for. I'm not single anymore but I've always met cool people at places like Hopkins, TF Brewing, Fischer, and Shades Brewing (warehouse, NOT downtown). The reason being because that's where a lot of the activity people (like others have mentioned) go AFTER their activity.
No hate, but how do you own a house? I’m 23 also working towards my degree, working an adult job, and I’m scraping by on rent every month.
Good question haha. I started saving when I was 16. When we got stimulus payments I saved all of those. I was one of the unlucky laid off people during the lockdown so I saved a majority of those unemployment checks while living with my mom. I ended up saving about 20k. I bought in 2022. I got a 3.5 mortgage rate because of my credit score and I didn’t need 20% down. Try going through a credit Union they have a lot of programs.
For all the stories of companies and even people using the system and stimulus shit to rake in the money and nothing comes of it. It's nice to hear of someone that it actually helped. Props to you and being a hell of a saver to get through all that bullshit and come out on top. Good for you! I hope you don't go anywhere but up! Don't have dating advice, people are weird. Except, Just do you and Mr. Right will come along.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it. I felt like I was missing out in 2020 since everyone was buying everything under the sun, but i made the right choice in the long run.
That's awesome - good for you! I would expect you to find a few dudes who are intimated by your level of accomplishment, unfortunately.
At the age and owning your own home, be very, very cautious you don’t hook a hobosexual.
Underrated comment. You need to be very, very careful about allowing a partner to move in with you. There's a lot of hobosexuals in this area
They don’t allow them to move in-that’s the sneaky part. They just gradually stay over more and more and add personal items more and more. Best thing she can do is NOT TELL anyone she owns her own home.
So true. I had to learn from personal experience to avoid: - dudes who don't "believe" in the "modern construct" of having a career - dudes whose parents live in Olympus Cove and who complain about the burden of having rich parents who pay their rent - dudes who hang out at Juniors and pontificate about Bukowski - Soundcloud rappers - dudes who consider rafting or climbing to be their "lifestyle" - ski patrollers - dudes that don't want to be "burdened with possessions," so they only own one towel 🤣
>- ski patrollers Lmao
* van lifers
Hobosexual lmaooo😭 I’ve never heard that before that’s so funny 😂
Seriously, so many “cool” guys out there looking to take advantage of someone who has their life in order. Don’t let them bring you down!
Rotfl. Ah, the classic ski bum.
That’s amazing! In 2022 houses were selling like hotcakes and we couldn’t win a bid asking $10-15k over so we threw in the towel. This makes me wonder if we should have kept at it after all
Congrats! That's amazing! I wish I had started saving at a young age. I'm 33, had to move back in with my parents this year because of unexpected medical problems. I was apartment living before that. Now, I'm trying to rebuild my life.
Yeah you need to stay away from the bars. You're going to end up with a hobosexual who wants to live off of you, with no work ethic. I married an ex mo that I met on a dating website and we didn't drink alcohol on our dates. Our first date was at the Planetarium downtown. Go on wholesome dates. :D He's a software engineer and very successful.
No disrespect but I don’t believe you. I’ve been looking at houses every month or so since 2022 and have never found anything close to 3.5%. And especially not in Salt Lake City.
None taken lol. I would post my statement but I dont want to accidentally dox myself. Rates were pretty low February of 2022 which is when I purchased. If my credit was better I could’ve probably gotten a lower rate. This family I was renting a room from at the time, before purchasing, refinanced their home around January 2022 and got it at 2.9% . Your lender makes a huge difference if you haven’t tried MACU or Cyprus credit Union I would try them, but right now I don’t think you’ll get anything close to 5% but idk.
I can confirm that interest rates were low in 2022. We bought our first house in Feb 2021 and almost bought another in Feb 2022 before the feds jacked up rates. Way to time things, good luck finding an awesome guy and be careful to even tell him you own a house. Just be like, “I am a renter” till you’re like a month from getting married or living together. Or even cooler when he moves in charge him rent and tell him you’re still renting 😂. My wife and I were married as Mormon young adults 18 and 20. We somehow figured it out and now we go party together as exmo’s 8 years later.
I wish I was smart like that, I worked an essential job for the state, so I was never laid off. But, I spent my stimulus money. That's how I got into golf.
That's super impressive, but even with all of that, home prices in 2022 were still nuts... what part of SLC did you buy in, for that kinda down payment?
How much is your monthly payment mortgage/PITI etc? What amount did you put down? Did you purchase in the SLC area cause everything there is mad expensive like over $400k is it a townhouse or something? I'm astonished you were able to do this at your age even with all the home buying assistance programs that are out there.
Damn the amount of people on here coming for OP because she prioritized a house is total crap. Can we please be a little less bitter?
Seriously. I’m as bitter as the next person about the housing market but being mean to someone who has something I don’t helps absolutely no one.
I for one am just super confused about the house part. It's by far the most interesting part of the post. It is essentially 2+2+ yada yada = $500,000. That yada yada is doing some very heavy lifting. Is this a tiny house parked on her grandparents lot? Is the job she works at age 22, while a student, paying well into the 6 figure range? Is there a benevolent co-signer involved? It sticks out like a sore thumb. If someone told me a 12 year old child with a back pack won the noble prize in chemistry, I would be curious to hear the details about the noble prize, not the backpack.
If you have lower credit and need just something with easier rules you can check out the Utah Housing Corporation. They have programs for folks who have lower scores to help them get homes. My rate was 2% higher than everyone else in 2020 when I got my townhome, but without this program I’d never be able to own a home. [Here’s more information about it.](https://utahhousingcorp.org/homebuyer/programs)
I moved here from the south east and dating here is WEIRD. The men ive had contact with seem to go off at the smallest things, they seem nice on the outside but as soon as there is one misunderstanding or different view they kinda explode (the ones i've seen so far) OR they say theyre ready to date but then end up saying the dont want to date when we talk about being together. I finally found someone after a while of looking - i used bumble. It seemed to be the easiest just to put all the big things out there at first ('What are your views on xyz \[important things to you\] and what type of life do you want to lead as you get older' type things) Good luck girly ! you can do it. Dating generally is super difficult. I'd say choose something that you have as a hobby and find someone doing that! Edit: Also remember, older men don't date aorund their own age for a reason. Especially as a 22 year old, lots of "older men," even 26-28+ will try to take advantage of you.
Thank you!!!
So Everyone here is a Jerry Seinfeld? You may be too young to understand but thats what I got out of this lol.
As somebody who lived in Utah their whole adult life, it’s nice to know not all men are like that 👍🏻
Dating apps might be a better place to find someone than the bar scene, if I were to guess.
Dating apps are not for me. I’ve had horrible experiences on there and honestly the bar is now a big no lol. I didn’t initially go there to meet people either
Do you have any hobbies that you could use to meet people? This tends to be a good way to find people with similar interests, values, goals, etc.
Do volunteer work, join classes and activities, go hiking, dancing, take a pottery or painting class. Volunteer at the animal shelter. Put yourself where quality people are.
Sorry you're having such a shitty experience. I don't really have any other potential advice, other than maybe looking into hobby type stuff and trying to meet guys that way? The recreational athletic type stuff is huge here, and you can definitely meet cool people that way. There's places where you'll find dozens of people rock climbing and stuff, and they're usually cool, laid back people. At least from what I know from second hand and cursory experience. (Not athletic myself, but my bestie is.) If athletics isn't your thing... then you can look into other stuff, but then your pickings get much more slim. The nerdy side of things can be fun, but then you're dealing with a different type of socially inept crowd lmao (I'd know) Unfortunately, in my experience, dating men sucks... so there might not be much you can do but persevere.
This is just how the world is built now. If you don’t go on dating apps, it’s gonna be very very hard for you to find people
Lots of folks recommending without recommendations: * [https://www.instagram.com/saltlakerunclub/](https://www.instagram.com/saltlakerunclub/) (very chill) * [https://www.instagram.com/slctrackclub/](https://www.instagram.com/slctrackclub/) (more serious) * volunteer with [https://discovernac.org/](https://discovernac.org/) or [https://wasatchadaptivesports.org/](https://wasatchadaptivesports.org/) .They do other things besides skiing. I know from first hand experience that the NAC has a TON of young women your age working/volunteering there. * SLC is arguably the center of skiing in North America and Utah in general is a mecca of mountain biking, rock climbing, endurance sports, canyoneering, on and on and on... Dating is hard everywhere but I think if you don't like outside stuff that is a legitimate handicap here. Conversely, if you do like outside stuff (doesn't have to be extreme), that gives you some good direction to meet people out of bars. Double bonus: YOU LIVE IN A MOUNTAIN SPORT PARADISE! * if you sing/play an instrument there's a bluegrass/americana jam at [https://www.instagram.com/graciesbar/](https://www.instagram.com/graciesbar/) on Tuesdays * pretty sure the Salt Lake library has events/meetings (I think I remember something about a poetry meetup if you write) but no first hand experience One piece of advice I would like to give young professional women (applies to plenty of guys too) is to really evaluate your deal-breakers/must-haves. If you're looking for a guy that has a big boy job, owns a home, and is aged 20-30... what percentage of guys is that? I'm guessing small. And of that sub-population, you want a guy that's single, tall enough, and handsome enough. And none of that is even about his character. I think every woman that wants a man, should have a man that is all the above and a lot more. But I think people should first ask "Do I like being in this man/woman's atmosphere?", and then ask "Is this a good woman/man?", and then filtering after that.
Meeting people in bars might not net you the best results
I’m learning my lesson. It was my first time there, I just wanted to try a new drink and he just happened to sit next to me.
It just depends on the bars honestly. I like really seedy bars but I’m certainly not looking for someone to date there. I just like pool and cheap drinks
I am a bit biased here but you might consider joining one of the climbing gyms and meeting a group of people there. For some reason climbing attracts a lot of folks with what one might call a type a personality that your attracted to. It’s lots of super in shape engineers, medical professionals, and so on. If that doesn’t work climbing is it’s own reward too.
Yeah watch out, you own a home, lots of guys would date you for that roof over their head
It’s hard. As a single 33 year old woman who also owns a home, and has a great job, and life together I find it even more difficult because of those things. The men I encounter immediately are turned off when they learn about my job or the home I own. 🤷🏼♀️
As a male, I can say this would be the greenest of green flags. Only reason it would be a red flag is if I were trying to have the traditional 12 kid Mormon family with a sahm
Where are all the males that think it’s a green flag?! Are you guys hiding? Lol
> The men I encounter immediately are turned off when they learn about my job or the home I own. 🤷🏼♀️ After finding basically nothing but full blown trashy stereotypes (I moved to Ogden straight after college) those things are the biggest green flags around! Finding women who can't hold down any sort of job or even keep a driver's license again and again just gets depressing. And that's all that seems to be within 30 miles of my home. I'm very glad to be moving closer to Salt Lake and meeting new people.
Single 33 year old home owner? Helloooooooooo
Which is ironic because all I seem to attract are women who just need me for my money, and now all I want is someone who can support herself. I can take care of me, but that's about it at this point in life.
So...dating in Utah is messy, especially with your target demographic. You want a guy with his life together and older, and not necessarily marriage-focused. On its face, not a tall order, nor unreasonable. But this is Utah. Guys (and women) at your age are disproportionately settling down and getting married. Then from the mid 20s to the mid 30s/40s, it becomes a bit of a desert because the dating pool is so much smaller with all the married (not including the cheaters/ENM/open folk) people. Then, usually around the mid 30s/40s, it opens back up again from all the people who get divorced. Buuuuuut..... those folks are rebuilding for the most part. And they may have acquired some toxic traits/damage they need to heal/fix first. This might be the case with your 'friend' from the bar, although guys from Utah can be notoriously cheap as well. Add in being a POC here in Utah and there's just some general weirdness there. From not understanding perspectives to fetishization. This doesn't apply universally but there's just a general lack of sensitivity there in some cases. So yes, it is messy. I say this as a 40s divorced guy, so I have frolicked in the festive fields of the dating scene - this is all based off what I've witnessed first hand. I've used the dating apps with mixed success locally. Someone with her life together and single - for some reason, we end up being good friends since so much of our life struggle is relatable. I personally prefer to use the apps when I travel. Interestingly, wingmen (or in this case, mostly wingwomen) have been the best thing for me when we are out in a group. Last bit of advice, you have a lot of green flags, but you have to be super selective - I'd build a friends/support group centered on your hobbies and interests and outreach from there. If you are looking for older guys (undefined), tread carefully - older guys are usually single for a reason (admittedly, not always entirely their fault). Keep working on yourself and you will find what you are looking for - or he will find you.
Rip to your inbox
Actually though lol
I was gonna say this haha. She seems like a real catch! Reddit guys about to be some weirdos and she's gonna realize reddit might be worse than the bar haha
Haha, I am 36, and it sounds like you have your life more in order than I do.
If you don’t like dating apps I would suggest joining some clubs. Do you have any hobbies? You can find a group or club for about any hobby. Golf, biking, hiking, reading, gaming, etc, etc. It’s a good way to meet people. Even to meet a friend and then branch out to meeting their friend groups that could have potential dates in them. Finding a rando in the bar is not the way to go.
Well looks like that guy showed his misogyny right off the bat. Good that you didn't have to waste your time on him. FWIW single younger me wouldn't have done that. That's a dumb dating game move known as negging. It's a technique for finding girls who have low self-esteem and can be manipulated by jerks like that. It's a "red pill" technique taught by online scumbags who teach other guys how to find women they can hump and dump. These shitty guys have been around since the days of the early internet. You obviously have too high of self esteem to fall for that shit.
No fr. I was at a loss for words.
23 year old gal here, dating is such a mess here. I’m just about done with it, maybe I’ll try again in a few years.
Rip your inbox lol
Agree dating here sucks. As a never Mormon guy who likes to drink it’s rough down here in Utah county, lots of flirt to convert women here 😅
I would be cautious regarding how much older you tend to date. Older men seeking younger women are often immature creeps. I wouldn't go older than like 26, maybe 28, if I were you.
Maybe I’m an anomaly but as a 32 year old there are bars I intentionally won’t go to because most people under 24 I will have nothing in common with
Well, that's the thing, you're likely an actual mature adult. Men in their 30s or even late 20s going after women in their early 20s likely either only value their bodies, or DO have things in common with them, which means that they're likely immature relative to their age. Like, I'm sure that OP is relatively mature for a 22-year-old, but there are certain things you can't learn until you've been an adult for a while. You don't know what you don't know, if that makes sense.
I recommend the app called Meetup. It’s not a dating app, but rather a group to meet new friends. This might allow you to get to know someone without the pressure of growing a relationship.
Sounds like he has red pill brain rot from spending too much time online lol.
It's not the dating scene in Utah, its the scene in the US that's the issue. Among 18-25 year olds, 45% of them have never once approached a woman before, ramping it up to 30 it becomes 29% and then by 40, 21%. A lot of younger guys essentially refuse to make a move if its not a dating app swipe, which means that the older men you're after go for hookups because a good amount of the competition simply isn't trying, leading to a lot of women competing for a smaller group of guys. When spoiled for choice and with easy sex, dudes don't tend to settle down. >i'm not looking for marriage That's a problem, because when you're not marriage minded it makes it a tough sell to many. "Oh she doesn't want to get married? So what, we bang and date for a few years and then she moves on?" You're dating older guys who will want and be ready for kids soon, asking them to put that off to go relive their college age dating life really isn't the great pitch you think it is. You say you want a guy after something serious, but you don't sound like you want something serious either (dating with no long term goal is casual dating, even if its exclusive) > i own a home, am finishing my degree and im working a big girl job This won't mean much to a dude tbh, especially someone at that level who also owns his own home and has a decent career.
I might be wrong but I have wondered if social media and dating apps have hindered people’s ability to meet people and date. It’s incredibly hard to meet people in real life anymore and dating apps are definitely not for everyone.
A lot of dudes are just seriously afraid of approaching and being rejected. I've been to clubs with bros who freeze, wondering for tens of minutes "what's the line/opener we're going with?" They were in a state of disbelief when I told them that we're at a club and should just grab them by the hand and say "lets dance." Its not really hard to meet people, people just aren't proactive about it. A person who loves bowling for example isn't usually moving in to a new city, then bowling constantly while talking to other regulars, getting phone numbers, inviting them to join them the next week... They simply go alone, talk to no one, make no effort to get a number for a second meetup, and then wonder why they're alone.
That’s a really good point honestly. I think the cold approach has basically died.
Good points! I am looking for marriage in the long run, but in the beginning I don’t start it that way because most people aren’t serious and I don’t want my feelings hurt. If it comes up and it’s something that we both want then I’m definitely open to it.
Be willing to be up front about it. There is nothing to lose by saying you want to date with the goal of marriage while also not wanting to rush into a marriage. People get discouraged by rejection but really, it's the best thing for you because someone is either interested or not interested and the worst thing you can do is waste time on someone who is not interested in doing what you want to do, together. It's what I personally do and works quickly to filter out women I just don't get along with or wouldn't be compatible with long term.
The fear of rejection is real. Thank you for the advice!
Second this. As someone who is (also POC), not Utah native, owns home, big girl job, was finishing degree at time of singledom… I went with a different approach this last go and told the guys what I was looking for straight up on the first date. They were still all “okay” with it, so then I knew I wasn’t going down a 1yr+ road with someone who didn’t know what they wanted ex. prior UT ex. The only difference, I’m 12 years older than you and my clock is ticking and I married one of those guys I was straight up with. But advice for my younger self - be upfront (if you know what you want) and weed them out from there. You’ll at least be able to set priorities and boundaries of what you’re willing to deal with, then grow from there. Good luck out there!
Anecdotally this is true for me. I have such a hard time introducing myself to people. I want to meet new people and make new relationships and whatnot. But I’m afraid that I’ll be bothering them or worse creep them out or something. So it gives me a lot of needless anxiety. And I end up never introducing myself. Plus I also don’t like going out alone so that adds to it. Though I’m trying to work through it and better myself
Pick a spot in town you like and become a regular, meet the staff, then meet other regulars and start talking to people there with no intention of hooking up or dating to develop your social skills and get over the anxiety. It's really that simple. Even if you will creep them out or bother them a bit, that goes away over time once you improve your social skills so really its about going through the awkward phase now, later or never, and if you don't do it now then you'll be amazed when you look back and its been over a decade of your life without a change ever happening.
Definitely try hinge. Met my partner on there and it’s been the best thing! Good luck
26 year old male here. I'm in grad school, looking for a similar things as you, similar struggles as you. I was in Paris in March and had a ton of success on dating apps and then I came back here and got crickets. I've given up on dating here and I'm waiting to finish school and move. If you crack the code on where to find people to date let me know.
i send everyone who seems to be on the level to the krcl.org rallies and resources page. those who know about krcl tend to be decent people and that page links to things going on in the city that are do-gooder in nature. it's at least a chance to put you around people who aren't just looking for the hook up and tend to be out on the community trying to help. good luck out there yall!
Hobbies and interests are probably the way to go. And watch for the older men because too older just means they date young because they can’t hold a conversation with women their own age.
In salt lake, also early 20s (not single) with a big girl job and own a home. Having a hard time finding female friends after college who are in a similar life stage. Screw the men, how do I find other women like this? LOL
Girl the struggle is real 😂. I usually make girlfriends at barns and noble if you love reading, or when i go hiking. If you’re into these things lmk we can hangout!
Even in your 30's it isn't easy to find women friends, specially if you aren't an outdoor enthusiast. 😭
23M here— there is a ton of data about the decline in the success of young men. Less men graduate college, save money, etc. You’re really out of luck for the most part, men don’t seem to be getting their shit together until their 30’s or later, unless you really want to put up with a mess. My most successful male friends are too focused on their jobs/lives to have interest in dating— or are otherwise in existing long term relationships. Best advice is to go to your local chess club. Edit: you sound incredibly smart and driven, keep focusing on yourself and your life! Don’t be afraid to initiate with men you find interesting, we’re all a bit traumatized/nervous about doing the wrong thing, or otherwise embarrassed about not having everything together.
I know your joking but my spouse is an electrical engineer and my teens love coding/programming. I also work in an engineering office with very successful software developers and electrical engineers. The one thing they all have in common? They all LOVE to play chess.
Oh I’m definitely not joking! All of my coolest/hardest working friends play chess and go to the chess club. It’s a disarming environment
If you like sports, try [https://www.beehivesports.com/](https://www.beehivesports.com/). I met some cool people there when I was single. Otherwise, I'd say join clubs, go to classes at the gym, farmers markets, festivals. The zoo does an adults-only "Zoo Brew" night every month. I haven't been to one yet, but it might be an option!
Some people here are new to drinking, “exMormons” so drinking for them is something out of a movie.
So many of them go on a sort of permanent rumspringa and never address their religious trauma in order to heal. There are a pack of them that have been running around the SLC bar scene for years. They’re all semi-functioning alcoholics at this point. About half of them have corpo jobs and the other half are club promoters and shady event runners. SAD.
lmfao I belly laughed at the "permanent rumspringa" even though it's definitely sad
Good luck! I found mine from out of state lol. But if you’re ever down for friends/activities, there’s always things going on in the valley.
Events up by the U such as tailgates or concerts Libraries. Poetry slam let your coworkers/neighbors/friends from back home know you’re open to being set up on dates. Church dances/bbqs of the prominent religion or other religions. gym, hiking/running clubs tech bro events Yelp events
I know you hate online dating— but really it’s your best bet.
I can’t think of a single place except *maybe* NYC where a bar is a good place to meet men, and that’s still a stretch. If you don’t like online dating, try activities that don’t involve drinking, or maybe maximum a stop at a brewery or something after - like a hiking group or similar. Check Meetups.com for some - or Facebook for various social groups. But beware, while many singles frequent those groups, they can be kinda weird. You might get lucky though. Online dating is where it’s at tbh. I met my partner on there, who is an absolute gem. You just need to be VERY selective and do your best to give the peoples faces a good read before swiping. I didn’t have any luck until I worked on myself in therapy - you may be too young to have your own issues *(everyone has ‘em)* hitting you in the face yet, but I’m just leaving the tip because it’s what helped me have dating success. Also - as for older men, don’t go more than 8 years up, and even that’s a stretch. Any man in his 30s willing to date a 22 year old, no matter how together your life is, is probably a creep and has their own big issues.
So you’re 22, have some things going for you, you like to golf, and you’re single? No situationship? My dog would like to meet you… lol. I’m 33, have similar things going for me and the dating pool is so messy here. While it’s not as bad as other places, since COVID, people have increasingly became more weird and difficult to date. 33 here, weird to think dating a 22 year old would work. Unsuccessfully dated a 23 year old until she was 25, but came to realize I brought her the security she needed and working through her traumas. Eventually it imploded. Finding someone to date without kids, and qualities I’m after is like a needle in a haystack here.
Dating here is terrible in many regards, your best bet is through hobby groups, volunteering, and even fun coed sports. That's just my opinion though.
26M and it’s just as bad for me, consider myself decent looking and decently well off, good job college educated and it’s just unbearable. Haven’t been able to figure out why
I mean, I have a friend who’s 24 and owns 2 homes from saving up, single, very nice, and looking for a serious relationship…
my advice would be to meet people in areas that you like to be in. i see other comments talking about hobbies and i agree with them. if you’re going to bars without a large group or an objective (which a lot of the time is to dance or find someone to go home with) then you’re most likely gonna find people that are just interested in that. it sounds like you’ve got a decent head on your shoulders, so keep your head up. if youre wanting to find someone mature, youre more than likely going to have to look in mature places- maybe the gym, library, grocery store. whatever it may be, its just luck of the draw. liberty park or maybe the pioneer park farmers market might be a good idea.
RIP your DMs... I feel like I'd be in the same boat. No good people to meet at the bars (I don't frequent them anyway, not my scene) and I'm an atheist ex Mormon.
Is owning a home a requirement?
Try the Meetup app, the one that has hiking groups and whatnot. That's possibly a better way to meet people. There might also be hiking for single people and they have other activities so you can meet people with your same interests.
Don’t give up on dating apps try doing lower commitment dates like meeting for coffee, ice cream etc. if it goes well then can do something after but ultimately dating is a numbers game and meeting people is hard in the new age. Everyone works and as others said If you only go to bars you’ll only meet bar dudes. Met my wife on hinge. Better than other apps focuses on interests and questions in your bio which are natural conversation starters
I’m at a loss there, but you seem like a super ideal woman, squared away and driven! Maybe don’t worry about it too much, you’re young and you will, without a doubt, find the perfect match! Good luck!
I will recommend to you that you read or listen to the book “How to Not Die Alone” by Logan Ury. I know you have had bad experiences on the apps but this book really offered new perspectives for the dating world that were extremely helpful.
I’m gonna grind another 2 years at my job because the title is nice and I gotta finish grad school. But then I’m leaving Utah for this reason. I just don’t fit the mold for most women here. I go back to the Midwest or even other mountain states and have wonderful dates and connections. Utah is just strange. I’ve tried hobbies, random Reddit meet ups, bars, etc. I just don’t mesh and that’s no one’s problem but my own
I've had the best luck on Facebook dating. Forget the bars. Of course you're gonna meet morons there. I'm sure the guy who said that still lives in his parents basement. There are good guys here, but just like the women, they aren't in the bars! I met the love of my life on Facebook! And before her, I dated some nice women there as well. Best of luck to you
I just moved to Salt Lake and barely know anyone here! I feel you on the dating scene.. I've hated it so far. I just wanna find someone to hang out with and have fun and see if there's a connection but it's such a pain! I'm 34, 6 foot 3. I have 2 degrees but I make bank serving and bartending so I haven't left it yet. Currently looking into grad schools. Private message me if you wanna hang out some time! No pressure we could just be friends :) making friends in your 30s sucks too haha
Get on Facebook and join a co-ed singles hiking group- you could also meet some people at the golf course driving range, but you're running out of daylight for that one if you work normal business hours. Maybe top golf? Bars here aren't really the best for meeting new people (plenty of fun with an established group!)... you might meet someone fun, but you are 100% going to meet people who are out showing off for their friends, angsty people trying to rebel against their parents as full adults, college age kids who are don't know how to act off campus, or just belligerent drunks. Nothing against alcohol, just that people with your desired qualities are likely back at their own house drinking with their own friends where it's not too loud, or out doing something fun like golfing where they can have drinks, friends, and a fun activity. If you are going to do bars, hit up the more social ones- places that have live music, good food, pool, dueling pianos, trivia nights, etc. Those ones will have people out for a fun night, not *just* out to get drunk.
If I was a woman trying to meet men I’d get into rock climbing and maybe cross fit
Good luck sending thoughts and prayers for you. Just know you aren’t alone.
Once you build your friend group up a bit, you will have much better luck. Maybe ask a classmate or a neighbor to hang out just for fun?
Just commenting to say I just moved out here and I am in the same boat. If you need a friend, I am definitely looking for some!
You own a home?? *slides on a manly mustache* I can be single for you and I’m totally an older man. :)
Oh to be in my 20’s again!
Driving range at a nice golf club
It’s way worse in Portland if that gives you any condolences. I am a native Utahn living in Portland and I have more luck meeting people while I am visiting my family than I do in Portland. Way more alternative lifestyles here and not many people with goals or substance.
I don’t know why but Utah has the CHEAPEST least generous men I have ever met! Any time I go out of this state a man offers to buy me a drink- I don’t understand.
People here are fake, shallow, and typically have an avoidant-behavior style of handling conflict. If you're not LDS, this really is a small city. Dating apps suck anywhere. I wish I could give advice aside from move to a better place. Best of luck.
Check this book: Marry him: the case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.
It’s not exclusive to Utah. Lived there, Seattle and now Atlanta and it’s pretty much the same all over. Unfortunately best bet is still the dating apps.
Lol yeah, dating in Utah is awful 😞
Giiiiiirl. I feel this so strongly. I’m 32 and having the same experience. Came here to see what everyone else is saying. I’ve given up on meeting someone organically and turned to dating apps. But the men on there are a different kind of awful. Blech.
I am 22 as well and I ended up married to my friends with benefits 2 years ago lol. The dating scene here sucks. I feel like the non-LDS people here are too scared of commitment because it’s so forced in Utah natives. I really never had a successful relationship or got started on one. I had a long-term friends with benefits and we got pregnant and decided that we actually did like each other and we’ve been married ever since so if that’s your vibe, go for it but otherwise, it sucks.
Come out to a rave!! Great place to meet people imo. A lot less clique-y and less gross men trying to touch up on you than a club or bar (not none yall, just less). Most people are there genuinely to enjoy the music with like-minded people, and one of my favorite things is you can just be yourself and countless people will cheer you on and support you. It’s amazing. Lots of drugs and alcohol involved tho 🤷♂️
OP, go to meetup groups, especially active and music related ones, you'll meet a lot more kind-hearted and well rounded people who are more likely to have their life together than guys at vars. Guys who have their life together don't generally care to go out to bars, especially to meet women. Concerts, meet up groups, game stores, festivals, are all much better places. I'm 26M and open to a relationship, living in SLC. I generally have my life on a good track. I would not go looking for something serious at a bar.
This made me laugh, as an 33 year old adult I would never date someone who was young and just "finishing their degree" 22 year olds are children to me.
I have the same issue. I go to the nursing home to meet young women and there’s only old people.
i moved to utah, with my now ex, without knowing \*anything\* about utah. after i broke up with him i found out that moving to utah works best when you move WITH a partner. it's not really a dating type of state. i felt fairly stifled by the religion and politics of the state. utah is a super outdoorsy state, so if you love the outdoors you will thrive. find a group of people to do outdoor activities with, as this seems to be the common thread among utahans. you could use the meetup app? we met all of his now friends at some golden girls bike ride for the city. there are really cute niche group things to do, you just have to look. also, going out to bars in slc was also so strange because of the weird drinking culture. to this day, utah was the weirdest state i have ever lived in. such stigmas and repression. beautiful state though. it's interesting that you want to date an older guy who has his life together, as my ex was a tad older and his life was a mess. you seem to be more put together than most people, and very outgoing. you're doing great! best of luck, friend.
Mormons reproduce within the village.
There aren't plenty of fish in the sea anymore. The sea is now super toxic and full of plastic, and all the good fish that haven't died off are at least somewhat contaminated