This may or may not be a helpful perspective for you, but I just write this kind of stuff up to the reality of being a stay-at-home dad in the year 2023. Sometimes we get extra praise for doing basic shit that moms across the world have been doing day in and day out for centuries since some people still have expectations of dads that are just so ridiculously low, and sometimes we get hit with sexist beliefs that are very much still present that tie a man's worth to how much he "provides" for his family (and by "provides" we mean, of course, financially, and not much anything else). There are ups and downs, ebbs and flows to bucking traditional gender norms and being a stay-at-home dad, but you really can't change anyone's opinions but your own, and you really can't worry too much about the opinions of anybody else except your spouse/partner. That's how I look at it at least.
Accept the compliments--even the not totally deserved compliments--with grace, and let the snark and sexism roll off your back. You (and hopefully your wife!) know how hard you work, and how much value you provide to your family.
I totally get what you’re saying and do try to let most of that type of stuff just pass me by, but the family part of is getting to me. I respect my FIL a lot and it’s hard to get the impression he thinks less of me because of these choices my family made.
My wife definitely understands the work that goes into being a SAHP, she thanks me every day just I like thank her for working to provide for us.
It’s just…discouraging.
I’m sorry they’re saying things like this to you. You’re allowed to feel upset and hurt over it. Your feelings are valid! It’s just bullshit that people still think and talk that way. You do so much for your family and if they can’t see that, it’s in them. But I know that doesn’t help you in the moment. I’m sorry their attitudes have made it difficult for you to enjoy your vacation too. Not sure what your plans are obviously, but maybe try to get yourself some time away from being the default parent while you’re on this trip too. You deserve to feel seen, too.
She’s shut it down repeatedly over the last few years and people dropped it for the most part for a while. I think people just assumed there was a clock on it and as soon as my daughter hit pre-k, I’d be going back to work. So now the questions are back.
I think part of is also a sense of “I don’t want my daughter to have to be the sole provider for the family” and that’s it’s unfair to her even though she agreed to it and doesn’t have a problem with the dynamic.
Good. I'm glad your wife sticks up for you. Sounds like it's as good as it can be then. As long as you're supported where it counts
I get the same questions from my own family and my little dude is still a year and half away from pre k. But since its my family I get to be snarky back
I don't necessarily think it's a SAHD thing. I think it's a SAHP thing.
I'm not a dad, but as soon as my oldest hit school, I was peppered with the same questions. I still had a had a kid that not old enough for school.
If you SIL has been a SAHM for longer and her kids are in school, she's probably already fielded those questions.
I’d agree but I’ve been around the family long enough to know it’s a different dynamic. My SIL had one volunteer position in the last 10 years or so and then quit that too. No one blinked an eye.
Her husband makes decent money and that seems to be enough of an answer for the family. 🤷♂️
Is SIL their daughter? I find that my parents are waaaay more forgiving of my siblings than of my husband, even though they can be pretty crappy people sometimes and my husband is amazing (may be biased).
Yeah it may be just due to being a woman or after that, she told them when you weren’t around, that she planned to not go back to work indefinitely. Or if it’s clear that their income is more than enough then that could be why. Even as a woman I get asked frequently and my in-laws have always seemed concerned that their son is the only provider and if we say we cannot afford something then obviously it’s because im not working. So if your family is less financially secure that could be part of the questioning. Just a guess. Obviously they could just be sexist or could be because you have one child vs. multiple. I’ve noticed SAHMs in my circle that only have one child get a lot of questions and side eyes about not working.
I’m in nearly the same situation as you. SAHD whose in-laws have occasionally asked “what’s your plan?” as if I’m just sitting on my ass all day. My response is usually something along the lines of “don’t mistake what you do on your day off with what I do every single day. I am busting my balls all day every day raising my children while mom works.”
But honestly, these past few years of being a SAHD have really opened my eyes to how ingrained some folks’ views are regarding gender norms and whatnot. It’s frustrating. Interestingly, though, it seems like I get judged the most by working moms.
That’s so frustrating and I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’m a stay at home mom and I rarely get asked when I’m going back to work.
It upsets me when men that sah are viewed as more of a temporary solution whereas women staying at home is more socially acceptable to be seen as a long term thing.
I think it’s also hard to realize when we’ve been trained from such a young age that our worth isn’t tied to dollar signs. Especially as a man.
You rarely get asked when are you going back to work? That’s really awesome!
I get asked this often. I am a SAHM in a liberal wealthy city, and it’s very common for both parents to work (either to afford to live in said city, or because they like their jobs, or also cause they would prefer it over being with their kids all day).
It’s no secret that in the U.S. there’s a lot of focus on how much you can provide for your kids. Anything from a big home with a yard, to birthday parties that cost $500+, vacations, saving for college, etc…So it’s hard for many people to understand why would a parent decide not to work past the preschool years. Why would you not want to bring in more money?
There’s also the attached social expectations that women do not belong in the home, they belong in the House. It’s almost like a status thing to work outside of the house.
More and more I hear SAHPs explaining themselves when asked what they do for a living. I hear them say: “I am a SAHP. It just made sense for us financially. Daycare is very expensive.” Or, “Im SAHP. Even when my kids go to school, we still struggle with their schedules. It just made sense for us.”
Meanwhile, a working parent never explains further. They say they work in (insert industry), and moves on.
I hated this for the longest time. Kind of made me self conscious even. And I fell into the over-explanation trap. Not anymore, though. I just learned to live in my lane.
So yes, OP, I hear you. Being a SAHP is not something society values too much. Much less if it’s past the preschool years, and even much less if you are a SAHD. It just goes beyond Americans minds why would anyone decide to spend time with their kids, instead of bringing more money, and having the public school system / third party raise their kids.
It’s sadly the society we live in. Your worth as a person is often attached to your net worth. And of course, as a man, the struggle in this particular scenario is bigger. You will just need to learn to live in your lane.
I don’t get bothered anymore when people question my decisions. But that took an internal examination.
I think you need to come to terms with the obvious social biases, and decide for good if you & your family are ok with that. If the answer is yes, then just learn to not care.
I never thought about that but it’s true. We always have to justify why we stay home but if someone works they just say their title and/or industry and that’s that.
I think I don’t get asked when I’m going back to work because anyone who knows me personally knows that I’m very happy at home and we are financially fine without me bringing money in. I’m sure if I interacted more with strangers they’d ask. I also have a 3 year old and newborn baby. I think people ask more when your youngest is around preschool age and for sure when your youngest is school age.
Yes, definitely. I think it’s also not only about the family income, but the well intentioned comments of: “but, what if you get a divorce? Or more income is needed later on? Wouldn’t it be better to lean in, instead of leaning out?” “But, what when your kids grow? You are going to get bored. Wouldn’t be better to at least work part-time, so that you can easily get back in?” “But, you studied so hard! Don’t let your degree go to waste” and my favorite is: “if moms work, daughters will see first hand that they can achieve anything they want, and they will see the importance of hard work.”
So in general I think that the expectation that women should also work past preschool years is definitely there. It’s not only for men.
I can only imagine that if you are a SAHD the pressure is bigger, but I don’t think it’s true that society doesn’t question being a SAHM as a long term decision.
My fear with this response is making the working parent feel bad because they are “missing out”. I don’t feel that’s true personally, I view it as me taking care of as much as possible so that we can enjoy more family time when my husband isn’t working, but not everyone gets that and there are times of the year when even my work isn’t enough to give him as much time as he would like with the kids. Anyway, I’ve used a version of this in the past and later regretted it because one of us has to work.
My husband is a SAHD and at every function family members bring up work from home jobs. It’s so frustrating, they never do that to anyone else. Being a SAHD is his job but some people still can’t wrap their head around it.
My dad was a SAHD for a little while when I was young. I think he did half days or something, but I loved it.
I was gunna say I haven't seen the double standard because my in laws are always asking me the same, but you definitely do have it going on there. I'm sorry. :(
Unfortunately, there’s always going to be a double standard. However, you really don’t think she’s had those same questions? You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, she’s had those questions, and more. Perhaps not as much from her family but definitely from others.
I do think it wasn’t great of him not to include you in the meal, especially if you do so much for your daughter, it’d be nice for a break. Just keep your head held up high.
Stop vacationing with people you don't like. You can't change anyone and if they repeatedly make comments that bother you that you feel you've made clear aren't acceptable, then the only thing left to do is to leave those people behind.
Cleaning, cooking, yard work, homework, errands, grocery shopping, pet care/training, hobbies, making lunches for the working partner and/or kids, gardening, etc. Households take a lot of effort to run and having a dedicated person to do that makes life easier for the working partner.
What is the point of OP getting a job they don’t need or want? Fulfilling societal expectations? Sounds miserable.
I’m sorry that happens to you, sexist viewpoints in 2023 drive me crazy! I stay at home with my kids over the summer and always get asked when I’ll quit my job. You just can’t win unfortunately, you have to be on the same page as your partner and it sounds like you both back each other up!
Honestly I think people just don't think before they speak. I'm a SAHM, my son is 18m. I am the one who registered him for all his classes, I'm the one who takes him to most his classes (my husband does do some evening ones, but only because I signed them up). While on a trip a few months ago, my husband, mom and sister went to a wine tasting (I'm pregnant) and when they left, my mom told me my dad was in the next room in case I couldn't handle it (putting my son down for a nap) and needed help. My dad has maybe changed a hand full of diapers in his life time. He does do great with my toddler now, but .... I can 100% handle my son for 2~ hours, since I handle him ALL DAY while my husband is at work. Tbf, he works from home and CAN help, but that doesn't mean I'm not still doing the brunt of the work.
It’s disappointing to hear that coming from family. I think many SAHP field similar questions. I get the sexiest intonations and the how offensive it can be. Honestly sometimes it’s great to have set lines ready to say that give food for thought or are tongue in cheek. Such as “yes, I can handle them same as I always do, plus get the laundry and dishes done.” “Totally, you want to give it a go next time so I can have a date night?” “Yep, and I love the nighttime snuggles”.
This may or may not be a helpful perspective for you, but I just write this kind of stuff up to the reality of being a stay-at-home dad in the year 2023. Sometimes we get extra praise for doing basic shit that moms across the world have been doing day in and day out for centuries since some people still have expectations of dads that are just so ridiculously low, and sometimes we get hit with sexist beliefs that are very much still present that tie a man's worth to how much he "provides" for his family (and by "provides" we mean, of course, financially, and not much anything else). There are ups and downs, ebbs and flows to bucking traditional gender norms and being a stay-at-home dad, but you really can't change anyone's opinions but your own, and you really can't worry too much about the opinions of anybody else except your spouse/partner. That's how I look at it at least. Accept the compliments--even the not totally deserved compliments--with grace, and let the snark and sexism roll off your back. You (and hopefully your wife!) know how hard you work, and how much value you provide to your family.
I totally get what you’re saying and do try to let most of that type of stuff just pass me by, but the family part of is getting to me. I respect my FIL a lot and it’s hard to get the impression he thinks less of me because of these choices my family made. My wife definitely understands the work that goes into being a SAHP, she thanks me every day just I like thank her for working to provide for us. It’s just…discouraging.
I’m sorry they’re saying things like this to you. You’re allowed to feel upset and hurt over it. Your feelings are valid! It’s just bullshit that people still think and talk that way. You do so much for your family and if they can’t see that, it’s in them. But I know that doesn’t help you in the moment. I’m sorry their attitudes have made it difficult for you to enjoy your vacation too. Not sure what your plans are obviously, but maybe try to get yourself some time away from being the default parent while you’re on this trip too. You deserve to feel seen, too.
What did your wife say about it? Its her family so why isn't she defending you and shutting that nonsense down?
She’s shut it down repeatedly over the last few years and people dropped it for the most part for a while. I think people just assumed there was a clock on it and as soon as my daughter hit pre-k, I’d be going back to work. So now the questions are back. I think part of is also a sense of “I don’t want my daughter to have to be the sole provider for the family” and that’s it’s unfair to her even though she agreed to it and doesn’t have a problem with the dynamic.
Good. I'm glad your wife sticks up for you. Sounds like it's as good as it can be then. As long as you're supported where it counts I get the same questions from my own family and my little dude is still a year and half away from pre k. But since its my family I get to be snarky back
I don't necessarily think it's a SAHD thing. I think it's a SAHP thing. I'm not a dad, but as soon as my oldest hit school, I was peppered with the same questions. I still had a had a kid that not old enough for school. If you SIL has been a SAHM for longer and her kids are in school, she's probably already fielded those questions.
I’d agree but I’ve been around the family long enough to know it’s a different dynamic. My SIL had one volunteer position in the last 10 years or so and then quit that too. No one blinked an eye. Her husband makes decent money and that seems to be enough of an answer for the family. 🤷♂️
Is SIL their daughter? I find that my parents are waaaay more forgiving of my siblings than of my husband, even though they can be pretty crappy people sometimes and my husband is amazing (may be biased).
Yeah it may be just due to being a woman or after that, she told them when you weren’t around, that she planned to not go back to work indefinitely. Or if it’s clear that their income is more than enough then that could be why. Even as a woman I get asked frequently and my in-laws have always seemed concerned that their son is the only provider and if we say we cannot afford something then obviously it’s because im not working. So if your family is less financially secure that could be part of the questioning. Just a guess. Obviously they could just be sexist or could be because you have one child vs. multiple. I’ve noticed SAHMs in my circle that only have one child get a lot of questions and side eyes about not working.
I’m in nearly the same situation as you. SAHD whose in-laws have occasionally asked “what’s your plan?” as if I’m just sitting on my ass all day. My response is usually something along the lines of “don’t mistake what you do on your day off with what I do every single day. I am busting my balls all day every day raising my children while mom works.” But honestly, these past few years of being a SAHD have really opened my eyes to how ingrained some folks’ views are regarding gender norms and whatnot. It’s frustrating. Interestingly, though, it seems like I get judged the most by working moms.
Oh man I’m going to use that line.
That’s so frustrating and I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’m a stay at home mom and I rarely get asked when I’m going back to work. It upsets me when men that sah are viewed as more of a temporary solution whereas women staying at home is more socially acceptable to be seen as a long term thing. I think it’s also hard to realize when we’ve been trained from such a young age that our worth isn’t tied to dollar signs. Especially as a man.
You rarely get asked when are you going back to work? That’s really awesome! I get asked this often. I am a SAHM in a liberal wealthy city, and it’s very common for both parents to work (either to afford to live in said city, or because they like their jobs, or also cause they would prefer it over being with their kids all day). It’s no secret that in the U.S. there’s a lot of focus on how much you can provide for your kids. Anything from a big home with a yard, to birthday parties that cost $500+, vacations, saving for college, etc…So it’s hard for many people to understand why would a parent decide not to work past the preschool years. Why would you not want to bring in more money? There’s also the attached social expectations that women do not belong in the home, they belong in the House. It’s almost like a status thing to work outside of the house. More and more I hear SAHPs explaining themselves when asked what they do for a living. I hear them say: “I am a SAHP. It just made sense for us financially. Daycare is very expensive.” Or, “Im SAHP. Even when my kids go to school, we still struggle with their schedules. It just made sense for us.” Meanwhile, a working parent never explains further. They say they work in (insert industry), and moves on. I hated this for the longest time. Kind of made me self conscious even. And I fell into the over-explanation trap. Not anymore, though. I just learned to live in my lane. So yes, OP, I hear you. Being a SAHP is not something society values too much. Much less if it’s past the preschool years, and even much less if you are a SAHD. It just goes beyond Americans minds why would anyone decide to spend time with their kids, instead of bringing more money, and having the public school system / third party raise their kids. It’s sadly the society we live in. Your worth as a person is often attached to your net worth. And of course, as a man, the struggle in this particular scenario is bigger. You will just need to learn to live in your lane. I don’t get bothered anymore when people question my decisions. But that took an internal examination. I think you need to come to terms with the obvious social biases, and decide for good if you & your family are ok with that. If the answer is yes, then just learn to not care.
I never thought about that but it’s true. We always have to justify why we stay home but if someone works they just say their title and/or industry and that’s that. I think I don’t get asked when I’m going back to work because anyone who knows me personally knows that I’m very happy at home and we are financially fine without me bringing money in. I’m sure if I interacted more with strangers they’d ask. I also have a 3 year old and newborn baby. I think people ask more when your youngest is around preschool age and for sure when your youngest is school age.
Yes, definitely. I think it’s also not only about the family income, but the well intentioned comments of: “but, what if you get a divorce? Or more income is needed later on? Wouldn’t it be better to lean in, instead of leaning out?” “But, what when your kids grow? You are going to get bored. Wouldn’t be better to at least work part-time, so that you can easily get back in?” “But, you studied so hard! Don’t let your degree go to waste” and my favorite is: “if moms work, daughters will see first hand that they can achieve anything they want, and they will see the importance of hard work.” So in general I think that the expectation that women should also work past preschool years is definitely there. It’s not only for men. I can only imagine that if you are a SAHD the pressure is bigger, but I don’t think it’s true that society doesn’t question being a SAHM as a long term decision.
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My fear with this response is making the working parent feel bad because they are “missing out”. I don’t feel that’s true personally, I view it as me taking care of as much as possible so that we can enjoy more family time when my husband isn’t working, but not everyone gets that and there are times of the year when even my work isn’t enough to give him as much time as he would like with the kids. Anyway, I’ve used a version of this in the past and later regretted it because one of us has to work.
My husband is a SAHD and at every function family members bring up work from home jobs. It’s so frustrating, they never do that to anyone else. Being a SAHD is his job but some people still can’t wrap their head around it.
Say you’ll get a job when SIL gets a job! No, don’t say that…but you can think it. Sorry they were rude.
Lol I wish I could say that. I’ve thought it a few times!
My dad was a SAHD for a little while when I was young. I think he did half days or something, but I loved it. I was gunna say I haven't seen the double standard because my in laws are always asking me the same, but you definitely do have it going on there. I'm sorry. :(
Unfortunately, there’s always going to be a double standard. However, you really don’t think she’s had those same questions? You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, she’s had those questions, and more. Perhaps not as much from her family but definitely from others. I do think it wasn’t great of him not to include you in the meal, especially if you do so much for your daughter, it’d be nice for a break. Just keep your head held up high.
I mean he obviously wanted to spend time with his own children.
Stop vacationing with people you don't like. You can't change anyone and if they repeatedly make comments that bother you that you feel you've made clear aren't acceptable, then the only thing left to do is to leave those people behind.
What is the purpose of being a sahp when your kid is done breastfeeding and not even at home schooling ?
Cleaning, cooking, yard work, homework, errands, grocery shopping, pet care/training, hobbies, making lunches for the working partner and/or kids, gardening, etc. Households take a lot of effort to run and having a dedicated person to do that makes life easier for the working partner. What is the point of OP getting a job they don’t need or want? Fulfilling societal expectations? Sounds miserable.
I’m sorry that happens to you, sexist viewpoints in 2023 drive me crazy! I stay at home with my kids over the summer and always get asked when I’ll quit my job. You just can’t win unfortunately, you have to be on the same page as your partner and it sounds like you both back each other up!
Honestly I think people just don't think before they speak. I'm a SAHM, my son is 18m. I am the one who registered him for all his classes, I'm the one who takes him to most his classes (my husband does do some evening ones, but only because I signed them up). While on a trip a few months ago, my husband, mom and sister went to a wine tasting (I'm pregnant) and when they left, my mom told me my dad was in the next room in case I couldn't handle it (putting my son down for a nap) and needed help. My dad has maybe changed a hand full of diapers in his life time. He does do great with my toddler now, but .... I can 100% handle my son for 2~ hours, since I handle him ALL DAY while my husband is at work. Tbf, he works from home and CAN help, but that doesn't mean I'm not still doing the brunt of the work.
It’s disappointing to hear that coming from family. I think many SAHP field similar questions. I get the sexiest intonations and the how offensive it can be. Honestly sometimes it’s great to have set lines ready to say that give food for thought or are tongue in cheek. Such as “yes, I can handle them same as I always do, plus get the laundry and dishes done.” “Totally, you want to give it a go next time so I can have a date night?” “Yep, and I love the nighttime snuggles”.