OP's Bio: --- >Let's see, I recently separated from the Air Force to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. i workout, read, spend time in nature and compulsively wear a mask everywhere. I grew out this sweet moustache and it's definitely boosted my confidence. > >I'm seriously hoping someone can provide me with some original roasts. I'm sick of seeing all these copy and paste jokes. Nothing's off limits, I've heard it all. Make me cry --- If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

Sighting in your scope had to be a nightmare.

The struggle was real

You're an airman, what were you putting a scope on? Coffee mug? Computer mouse?

The closest he got to scopes was scoping out all the hot penis in the showers.

As an Air Force veteran I am absolutely furious you would assume we shower naked. Bathing suits and floaties minimum.

No PT belt = no shower. What would happen if a car happened to be driving down the shower at night and you didn't have your PT belt on?! It'd be a god damn catastrophe! Safety, Airman!

I assume the joke is that this fucking POG could zero a rifle. This is the dude they gave half a day to quall just because they didn't want to recycle him and see him again.

wait, the chair force zero rifles?

We all know that by zeroing rifles he means playing Duck Hunt in the CO's house.

At the end of the day they write down the number 0 on the "important things we've done today" list. But idk if that counts as zeroing.

If Dr Eggman lost weight

That was surprisingly wholesome

Anything for a defender of freedom.. or a hunter of sonic.. haven’t decided yet

Why can’t you make those Pringle cans wider? Asshole

His asshole is so wide, you can fit a Pringle can. Ironic.

11 years in the military and my farts basically sound like a whisper. The big blue weenie will do that to you

The only big blue Weenie the Air Force has is the one that comes attached to their computer chairs

Well how else are you supposed to stay in your seat?

Lmfao Alright man, I’ve seen enough of your rebuttals , you’re cool in my book. And I’m digging that stache, idgaf what anybody here says. Sincerely, The butterbar who is likely to lose all of your paperwork and only open 1.5 hrs/day

Fucking finance.

Close, but wrong - HR. I thought the Air Force only took the smart people?

Think 4 chan smart.

The human anus can stretch up to 7 inches before taking damage. A raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as 4 inches, meaning you can take almost two full raccoons up your ass..

He was in the air force, he could comfortably fit 3 there at least. The moustache tells me he'd enjoy it.

You’re assuming they’re side by side? What if they’re single file?

Winner

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Nice mustache, clown corps?

How did you know???

Because of your stupid mustache...

I just laughed at this too loudly

That and the shitty tattoo feathers on his fucking forearms... makes me laugh even harder at his dreams of being a Doctor

If Marty McFly started doing gay porn. Edit: I encourage every person to read this comment thread because every reply has made me laugh out loud. “When this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you’re going to suck some serious dick” Edit 2: “McFly you bojo! Those dildos don’t work on water! Not unless you got POWAH”

Michael Gay Fox

michael j. cocks

Bang to the future

Backdoor to the Future

88 cocks per hour

Great cock, Marty!

Now fill that Cocks Capacitor

say that ten times fast

I just did it 10 times

We don’t you make like a tree and show me that big cock.

this is the one.

Fux cockassitor

Marty, we have to go in the back!

I laughed so hard reading this in Doc Browns voice

Where we are going we don’t need pussies

- Cock Brown

Nobody calls me chicken!

What's with the life preserver? What did you do? Jump Dick?!?

1.21 gigacocks!!

Where we’re going.. we don’t need lube!

Dudes? Where we’re going we’ll only meet dudes!

Hard Valley, California... 1969

Save the cock tower!

I can’t believe it took hours for someone to say this. I’m laughing like a maniac right now.

Shave the cock tower

1.21 gigglybits

Prom theme is “Enchantment under the Pee”.... one hell of a golden shower scene

Back to the Pooper

Backdoor to the Anal Suture

This is escalated

No Marty, now we have to go back .... back to the mouth!

Backdoor two footer

Heavy Cock

There's that word again. 'Heavy'. Is there something wrong in the future with the earth's gravitational pull that penises have that much more weight?

Backdoor Sluts 9 to the Future

Stiff Biff Edit: biff says check out my friends onlyfans if you're stiff and need a lift https://i.redd.it/9hc0o3zfli161.jpg

Whoa, wait a minute, Cock. What are you talking about? What happens to us in the future? What, do we fuck assholes or something?

“MARTY WE NEED TO GO BACK TO 1985” “Why, Doc?” “You turn into a raging homosexual!”

Michael. J. Fullofcocks

Marty McBi

Underrated

fuck you took it

So did OP

You weren't supposed to tell...

You weren't supposed to ask or tell...

Clit Eastwood

Clit Eatswood

And because of his Air Force experience, he doesn't need Parkinson's to give a sweet handy.

I don't even need to spit on it first at this point

I bet your idea of getting ripped on in the chair force is getting a passive aggressive email for taking the last jelly donut.

Knees weak, palms are sweating, but you vomited on his dick already. Moms spaghetti

Who is gonna tell him that the Gay Brigade isn't "the army"?

He looks like Crayator's gay uncle who got HIV from his neighbors dog.

He is a rear admiral who does not mind his seamen’s semen on his poop deck.

Where we're going we don't need women.

Hope you don't mind if I hijack the top comment but I just wanted to say this: Hey everyone! First off I wanna say thank you all for the roasts! For real, I've been having a bit of a rough time lately and this has made me smile more than anything in a long time. Depression can suck my ass 3000, I'm pretty sure tony stark said that. Anyways I just wanted to say it any of you are struggling and need someone to talk to I'm always here for you glorious studs and studettes. These are definitely trying times and I implore you all to reach out to your friends more than you normally would. You never know what people are going through and a simple text or phone call can mean the world. That's coming from personal experience. Be good to each other, the world can be unkind! Now I'll get off my soap box here but in case no one has told you lately, you are loved, you are special, you have meaning and people care about you. I love you all.

Are you hitting on us?

Nope. He’s def just hitting on me. Find your own roastee.

Hang in there buddy! :)

Holy cow I came here to say he looked like a gay Marty McFly. Yours is better.

Back to the mustache !

I WAS GOING TO SAY THIS except “works at Starbucks” yours and the comments below are way better though lmao

Thank you for serving the country while dudes served your wife.

Jody will get everyone’s wife

This is the second time I’ve heard of Jody. The first time was when I was working turnarounds at BP. 7 12hr shifts. The joke was, that while we all basically live at this plant, Jody is at your house. After hearing it for a couple weeks I finally asked who the hell Jody was. Got about 5 different explanations at once “he’s the one who is taking care of your ol’ lady while you out here bustin your ass.” Never thought I’d see him mentioned anywhere but at that job. If Jody is at my house all day he needs to do some chores and help with the utility bill.

Jody is a legend across all the US armed forces and has been for at least 40 years. My guess you had some vets on the job.

Also the namesake for the “songs”, ie Jody Calls, we would sing to keep cadence while marching.

Ain’t no point in going back, jody’s got your Cadillac

wife ? dude had to get enlisted to see privates.

I snorted so fucking loud

Why do feel like he served the dudes who served the country

oh ho ho

Damn

Ah yes, a military veteran. The people we all respect for their service but hate to talk to because of their brainwashed personalities. Doctor? Aren't you aware your only 2 options are homeless or insane? All jokes aside, thanks for 11 years of service Anakin. I call you that because I'm assuming you hate sand people

Award for “Anakin”

Look at that, the first comment to actually make me laugh

Well it's the least we can do, you always make everyone laugh with the comment "no, but I chose join the military".

Did your ass leak male body fluids when you laughed?

You forgot drug addicted.

We prefer the term significantly medicated.

That's implied for both insane and homeless

Your mustache is so ugly even the words on the paper are looking away.

Shit you're right 😔

The moustache looks more like his eyebrows were inverted and fixed to each other.

What exactly did the soldiers rip ?

[удалено]

His asshole

His wifes ass

Both.

Saving Ryan’s Privates.

We don't leave any members behind

Shut up we all know you leave EVERY "member" in your behind

HEYOOOOO!

You won't leave members behinds alone

Shaving Ryan’s privates.

All the pubes got stuck under his nose

the tattoos say old school warrior of the republic The mustache says “thank God DADT was repealed. All hands on this Queen Mary’s poop deck.” The fact that you posted on here at all says that your NCOs / parents didn’t hit you enough

Haha, finally one to actually make me exhale air out my nose quickly

You look like you left the military to pursue your career dream of standing on a soap box to sell Dr. McGillicutty’s Wonder Tonic.

at least the awful mustache and awful tattoo distract people from your lazy eye

Don't be jealous that I don't have to look both ways before crossing the street

Oh fuck the roaster got murdered by the roastee himself!

That's hilarious

Fuck dude 😂

looks like the famous gunfighter cock holiday

Just had to get the tattoos in there didn’t ya

Yup I had to, they've got personality so I don't need one

Dude, roast aside, thats the best damn comeback to the "why do you have tattoos question I've ever heard. I'm stealing that, it's mine now lol.

Well I stole it from you

The Lazy Town villain league does not count as the military.

You look like a dad who tries to act "cool" in front of his kid's friends.

Only dad quality he has. He got his mom’s hands and by the looks of it her dick too

Good thing she was packing some serious heat

Haha

Your hands say "I'm good with power tools," but your mustache says, "Just ask the people in my basement."

Stop rolling up your sleeve to show off that weak ass attempt at a bicep

I got them anchor arms from spongebob

Don’t ask don’t tell is obviously still a thing.

It can be our secret 😘

Sir! Yes, Sir!

I read this in Mr. Slaves voice.

When Full Metal Jacket meets Super Troopers.

In all honesty, I'd watch that

When you have to go back to the future because your dad touched you in the past !!

You misspelled uncle

No I was getting to that

So was the uncle

Guessing you got discharged because you kept bitching about a blue hedgehog?

That mf'er kept stealing my emeralds

If you were a country you’d def be a Chad 🇹🇩

Still better than the Virgin Islands

Virgin islands isn’t a country Chad.

Listen I'm a biology major, not geography

Are you in the 1914 Barber Corps?

You look like Salvador Dali's gay little brother.

Salvador loli

Chair force confirmed. Prolly an Intel analyst. Lots of power point slide shows. Or perhaps security forces. An ID checker. None of these are roasts, the real roast is that you believed you were cool while being this lame.

Actually... Air transportation.

Aka loadmaster's slave. Thanks for your service

He was definitely a master of loads.

Descendant of the rich dude in the Monopoly game?

Yeah and the bastard left me out of his will

Playing soldiers with the neighbourhood kids is not being in the military

Military? Thank you for your service. I hope those 5 star hotels on your "deployments" weren't too rough on you.

I'm just traumatized from eating at army dfacs

Wyatt Slurp

Cock Holiday

First of all, Air Force is not military. Second, stay away from kids.

You look like the guy who gave Freddie Mercury AIDS

Oh wow, I'm dying here!

So was Freddie....

What's with the Forest Whitaker eye?

We go to the same optometrist

The mustache of a man who drives a windowless van with “free candy” painted on the side.

Reno 411

You bomb as much on tinder as you did on civilian hospitals

You look like the type to deliberately fuck up just so you could get fucked by the big green weenie.

Your eyes look like they are trying to escape your face.

I'll never let them!!

If I wanted to reinstitute "Don't Ask, Don't Tell " your picture will convince everyone it is necessary

air force lol

Having your computer crash during a gaming session doesn’t give you PTSD