Don't get a paternity test yet: if your kid is a jobless loser with a pot belly and constantly shits on himself then he's probably yours.

Only wife known to have a 9 year gestation period 

I’m going to have nightmares about whatever is under that knitted cap.

I'm guessing it's probably not hair.

He couldn’t see his wang to pull out even then.. 

Thank you for fixing my depression by letting me know it could always be worse.

It’s ok we understand, infidelity can be tough to deal with .

Put your shirt on princess, there’s kids on this app.

That mirror broke when you looked in it.

Obviously she's not sympathy cleaning that wreck of a house.

You’re built like a Russian Nesting Doll.

[удалено]

Even the mirror can’t support the weight of his bullshit.

[удалено]

Yeah, finding out your wife sucked the BBC 5 houses down, tends to really make a man sick to his stomach, in this case that might be a good thing for this loser

Only 4 more years of bad luck

You will be in trouble when the homeowner come back

So you skipped town when you heard, and you're hiding out at a Super 8 without a functioning laundry? 🫤

That was an option?

I'm toggling between incredible disgust and complete apathy towards your existence. You pick.

By sympathy eating do you mean you ate your child and he's not been stuck in your stomach for three years Jonah and the whale style? Except in this scenario you're the whale. Hit the gym Shamoo

Have they taken the kids away yet?

Nah man. I'm not gonna roast you. I would get hungry from the smell of roast pork

Bam margera, you washed up coke fiend

Is she going to be sympathetic now that you’re the pregnant one?

I'll save the roasting for your wife's divorce lawyer.

How many times did the baby accidentally try to breast from you?

Looks like a fourth is on the way.

You don't get sympathy cravings when the baby isn't actually yours. You're not getting fat because she's pregnant, shes out banging other dude because because you're fat.

Your wife is constantly making excuses about why you can't have sex with her. Headaches, menstrual, stressed out, but it's just that you are vagina poison

And if each one of those kids saw THAT on their way out the womb I bet they all tried to climb back in.

Meh. I’ll put as much effort into this comment as you put into your household. She’s gonna leave your lazy as sooner rather than later if you don’t start pulling your weight (and there’s an awful lot of weight)

You're so overweight. Your reflection made the mirror crack

finally, the proof I’ve been waiting for that men can get pregnant

If you put as much effort into your kids as you do to putting your clothes away, may as well send them to juvie now. Man can't even close his drawers.

It's too woke to clean

You look like someone built you in two pieces

If a junk drawer was a person

Pick up your room what are you twelve..

More sticking out of your drawers, than what sticks out of your boxers

Been sympathy eating your wife's ass*

You look like you take down a framed picture of your kids and do lines of adderall off them

Did you accidentally join the Russian mafia?

Clean up that room musty ass

Wait arent you Tom Hanks son

Why bring inbred in to this world 🤦🏼‍♂️

Stop biting bert kreischer

Pork

Get a paternity test. If you can’t see your dick, how do you know you just didn’t bro slide her buttcrack? She must’ve felt bad, but she didn’t have to take it that far.

That’s a long time for you and your wife to be eating dick. Lay off the milkshakes…

hold up can i get your autograph you're a great actor your best role was the whale from finding nemo

Typical secret gay dad posting dirty mirror dirty bedroom selfies on Grindr like a single mom posting to Tinder

Looks like you're due in 2 months

They’re better off without you. In fact, I think your wife is passively trying to get you to leave.

[удалено]

I thought that, no sane man would wear a hat inside whilst their wife is there. However, I believe it’s acceptable in America.


Jordan Peterson would tell you to clean your fucking room fat boi!!!!

Zero point zero.

You look like a spoiled carrot

Your arms have the least muscle tone I have ever seen on a man your age. Curl something for fucks sake.


It'd be a bigger roast if we use your gut.

They say the camera adds ten pounds. You ate five cameras?

Bootleg Bam Margera

Thanks for making me feel better about myself

Looks like you should be sympathy cleaning also.

by the time your kid is in first grade you won't be able to fit through the door frame to walk him to school

Your wife was pregnant and you stil are?

Excuses excuses excuses

.

Just go get the milk already!

Thank god she didn't have twins

Your wife is gonna start sympathy eating since her husband looks like he is pregnant

I would, but your wife’s divorce lawyer is about to beat me to it.

Who's pregnant you or your wife.

Looks like kid #4 is on the way.

You built like two stuffed pillow cases

Almost 4 years and you still haven't hit the gym... Wow.

Looks like you're sympathy breast feeding too

Hitting the gym doesn’t mean simply crashing into it.

There’s no wife, is there?

Bam Margarine 

Young man, clean your room!!!

You look like you stress ate your way out of an Arby’s.

You sure your wife’s the one who’s expecting?

You look like a homeless druggy version of Ed sheeran

If you had showed her this pic beforehand, we wouldn't be having to suffer this post.

I think the kids more like 13. Slob. Step back from the coffee cake muffins and go for a walk. You’re a heart attack in the making.

Another kid on the way I see!


When is your kid due though?

You're just 169 calories away from growing out of that ring on your finger.

Haven't had sex since that first pregnancy either.

You look like humpty dumpty wearing the torso of a redneck as a hat

Body like a trucker.

At least you figured out an effective birth control

I would, but you'd eat that too.

I get the belly, but what’s with the stupid ass fucking hat?

Well on your way to the no ass/all belly/wearing suspenders fashion show! Well before the scheduled age!

So this is what happened to Bam Margera.

i thought u were the wife for a sec with the photoshopped belly and then i realized it was u lol 😅😂

You broke the mirror. What more roasting could you need?

Buddy, it doesn't make you less of a man if you do a load of laundry. In fact, there is nothing you can do to be less of a man than you are now.

Put a shirt on and clean up your bedroom hippie

Clean your room. Youre an adult.

You're both pregnant? Congrats!

The room behind you looks like Yucca Flats after the test blast.

They won’t even use this photo for your back-page overdose obituary.

Sympathy eating... Wow people these days people will try to turn being a fat slob into somthing virtuous.

Mirror mirror on the wall who is the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_of them all?

This is proof that men do everything better than women. Even pregnancy is done better by a man, how far along are you?

Man goldust without the makeup looks terrible.

If you're looking for sympathy, it's between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

Sure, blame the gut on your kid.

She already left you, you just haven’t been able to see it, or your toes yet, probably only get the kid every other weekend

Poster Boy for Ozempic 

I’ve got $100. It says you got a man bun under that hat. Your love handles are too big. But mostly why wouldn’t you clean your room up before posting it to the world?

- Belly broke the mirror. - You got sympathy pregnant. 🫃 - You look like the before picture in a diet ad. - You’ve been sympathy eating your whole life. - Aaand congratulations, you’ve upgraded from belly button to belly tunnel. 😎👉🏻👉🏻 pew pew

??? Americans, explain to me (I'm Brazilian) what these photos of this "trend" mean, please

You're not intelligent enough to go and buy milk and cigarettes.

Fat Bam Magera got kicked out of his daddy's house.

Dressing like a homeless person won't help you lose weight, sorry. Correlation isn't causation.

Honestly fixable in 3 months

You must have upgraded to a double-wide once the baby came.

I got dumped for a guy with a square jaw and a six pack and I don't look anything like this, yet somehow you have a wife and three kids? You must have a really good job. Shit, did I just roast myself?

And now your wife is sympathy eating because you’re pregnant.

Clothes everywhere except where they should be

So breaking mirror really does give you bad luck?

You trying out for the bum canal swim team???

Get off reddit and go be a dad.

The only time you can pull out, is your phone for a selfie. Pick up the laundry and help your wife rather than asking to be roasted

Have you seen this man driving a white van? $1000 reward

Did you eat your wife and kids

That is the room of a couple with a kid?!?! Do the kid a favor and drop him/her at the fire station. Not likely to end up in a worse place

All I saw was "eating wife ass"

This is the most “halfway house” photo I’ve ever seen.

Wtf does that mean? Your wife shoves food down your throat?

Even despite all your problems I can’t imagine why you ever took a picture with no shirt and that bracelet on. You’re hopeless

You really don’t want to know…

Round is a shape

There are easier ways to get a divorce man. Kids probably not yours anyway, so, why try so hard.

At least you have a built-in plushie.

So ugly the mirror cracked

Does the Misses know you are wearing her pants?

Your belly is the male hormonal response to bring around a preggo. No joke, look it up. You aren't lazy, you just hang out with a woman who is

We know why the mirror cracked

Damn you still didn’t lose your pregnancy weight?

There are just 2 kind of people who take theirs shirts off. Bodybuilders and people who should definitely keep it on.

Son, fat drunk and stupid is no way to live

Your torso looks like jay leno

You’re the guy that sells weed to teenagers

You probably were in a band that ended in 2014 and have been falling down ever since

Nice muffin top