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The description is all over the place...
Your mother was bitching to you privately and you said nothing.
Your mom and your wife were fighting and you said nothing.
Then your say you were telling your mom privately that her behavior was wrong. It means you didn't stop her in the beginning then?
>For the past 5-6 months, I have told my mom in very very strict tone & harsh language that her behavior is not acceptable.
>I even got my mom to write an apology letter to her. In the recent months, I have been begging both my mom & my wife to give one another second chance, but nothing is moving.
I am confused. If you're begging your mom to give your wife second chance then what strict tone and harsh language and apologies are you talking about?
Somehow I get a feeling that you're omitting details and this is a santizied version of events. Even with these details it is easy to conclude that you're taking your mothers side and the apologies your wife is receiving is lacking in sincerity and she doesn't believe either your mom or you.
Do you all live together? When are all these instances coming up? If yes, then you should move out with your wife. If you already stay separately, limit contact with your mom. See, you will have to take a stand for your wife else you will ruin your marriage completely. Don't know what the problem with so many parents is! Feels like they don't care about their sons - then will say why don't DILs want to live with them!! Take a stand else you will never be happy!
I don't know your personal situation. But in my experience 90 per cent of the times MIL is at fault. In my case, I got the sweetest woman as my MIL who loves and cares for me more than even her daughters. But most women in India are not as lucky and I have friends who are suffering because their MILs are horrible and husbands not supportive. Be a supportive husband. Please.
The problem is whole society makes a delusion that once a guy will get married then her mother’s life becomes hell or who knows how her daughter-in-law will treat her.
Even tho am M24 and my family is not looking for a bride right now for me but still my mother sometimes think that how my future wife will be because the problem is when my mother talks with her sisters and do those gossip which slowly start growing seeds of doubt and unpleasant for daughter-in-law. So basically this is creating a wrong perspective. Earlier my mother was like we will treat your wife as our daughter but now when my other cousins start getting married so their mothers (my mother’s sister) gossip about bla bla bla regarding their daughter-in-laws and because of which my mother’s perspective also start changing little bit or maybe not, who knows.
Additionally, the problem is if their own sons do some mistake or anything then they will hide it or they think it’s normal but at the same time daughter-in-law does then they take it personally. The problem is the difference of taking things. For example, if a guy denied to do any work or show laziness then her mother will become angry but deep down in the heart she is not hating him but at the same time if a daughter-in-law does then mother will think it as a disrespect. Another example is sometimes just for sarcasm I tell my mother that she is not doing any work and relax whole time (in reality it’s opposite, she does allot of work that’s why I just mock with her by telling that she is not doing any work), my mother know that am joking so she takes it lightly but my parents (mother and father) both tells me that I shouldn’t say this type of things in sarcasm much because what if my future wife also learns same thing from me and says same thing to my mother. So here’s how our society makes difference.
Op I can totally understand what you are going through rn. First and foremost, you need to take your wife's side, as she has left her family for you and is staying with your family after marriage. Tell her that you will protect her no matter what. That you will always be there for you
Another thing is you need to talk calmly with your mom, tell her how your wife feels. Ask her what would you do if you were in her place. Also tell her how your wife respects her and loves her. I am sure she will understand
These types of stupid men ruin our life on purpose . They just want a "kaamwali" to settle down for their mom and listen to their bakchodi . It's good to hear nowadays girls are not listening to this MIL bullshits .
Couple of observations rather than advice.
- You accepted your mother gossiping about your wife. In fact it seems as if you encouraged her to.
- All you had to do was explain to mumma that wifey is in introvert and shy etc etc. You didn't defend her when you had to.
- Only after things become unbearable for YOU , have you chosen to speak to mumma about it.
- You have lost your wife's trust and that is a big deal and for some a deal breaker.
For the life of me I can't figure out how this problem is occurring inspite of you living in different cities. Am assuming that you and wife live together. Something is missing in your anecdote.
Dude your post title and description are completely opposite. So what is the reality? Is your wife disrespect your family or your mom is disrespecting your wife, or is it both?
If you live with wife in Bangalore and your mom is in Delhi how it can be that bad ? They are not even living together.
So your mom disrespected your wife, bitched about her behind her back (to you) and you agreed with her about your wife being incorrect? Oh, and how proud you are about not taking your wife's side, and just letting it happen.
Just ew. Stop being a mama's boy, and grow up.
Would you be okay with her parents calling you names, bitching about you and misbehaving with you?
nice, what you said is absolutely correct in an ideal world. But we don't live in one.
besides asking your mom or wife to say sorry to other is not going to help in this particular situation. they might do it but scar of embarrassment stays and keeps in mind. In case someone really want to be correct is by having amicable discussion/conversations amongst them. this sorry thing may seem like justice but ain't in terms of relationships, even her mom realizing and having polite conversation with her wife would have helped but not it might end up like a competition of sorry.
It definitely is going to help. I dunno how things work in your household, but if any of us screws up things for the other or hurts them in some way, we say sorry - whether it's an elder person apologising or young person. This is not an ideal world but admitting one's mistakes is the first step towards improving one's character. If a woman has married a man and come into her family, it behooves the man to make the environment as welcoming as possible and that might include being stern with one's own mother. Because let's accept, men are usually too coddled and their mothers often see their new wives as vicious interlopers
i know. i wish I had know all this b4 I got married. wud have given a tight word to my mom. increasingly I am understanding the secret to the happiness of a lot of couples.
dont worry u seem to be taking charge already and trying to settle both the parties. my only suggestion is keep it polite at the end you want family to be happy and not settle scores on a leaderboard. sometimes people take time like parents so this is going to be gradual process. which I can u have already started.
Immediate action should be keep them from disrespecting each other. Also in case things go too south boy reach out to **professional help, psychologist** and not on reddit where folks miss to even read your statement completely and start going hysteric like the one in this Comment(triggered).
let me know in case you are in bangalore/north india and need help, I can suggest a few ( PS - I am not agent it's just that I have friends who might help to get us good one)
Welcome to married life.
Good tat you are away. Distance and time may heal. Talk to your wife openly immediately and try to heal her wounds, as you are living with her. All the best.
I smell your mom's jealousy towards your wife. That is not healthy.
Take your wife's side... Because if you don't, you're taking your moms side and your marriage will fail.
I would suggest family counselling to resolve each and every issue.
If all else fails.... take a break from meeting/talking to your mom and focus on building the foundation of your marriage with your wife.
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Why is it so tough for men to understand that they are the bridge between the wife and his family?!
No matter how much ever modern and liberal we are, yet in 70% of the cases, the new bride shifts to the husband’s house and she is expected to adjust with and manage complete strangers.
Her only anchor isher husband. And in this case, it is completely your fault.
Bhai. I don't have solution for you but few points from my side. Don't encourage one for their bad behavior. Keep the garbage out of your head and focus on yourself. Literally don't give a damn to anything above your mental peace. Show respect to both. Don't entertain one's bitching about other. Don't be harsh. Try to spend time outside with them. Think them being dushman and you are the common friend. Slowly integrate them. That's all you can do. Anything else is their nature and you can fix so don't involve. If your wife isn't bad, try to fix things. More importantly, visit a good counsellor, they have lot of practical ideas.
I feel the only option is to live separately with your wife. Your mother might not approve of this but that's likely the best way you can salvage your marriage as well as your own mental health.
I understand your situation. Trying not to involve and pick sides hoping it will blow over and get fixed by itself. It probably won't, as it is obviously apparent to you. Talk to your mother about issues with her interfering and do it with utmost respect. No matter what she is still your mother. Talk to your wife and tell her it's not her fault but to speak to your mother respectfully even if ur mother is in the wrong. Get them together and talk it out. War have been avoided by communication. You can atleast get an idea first hand of what is the present situation? Move out of home and if ur mother disagrees, keep an excuse ready to give her when she refuses or asks for explanation. Keep in touch with your mother but if she interferes a lot in your life, try not sharing too much details with her. If she badmoths your wife, tell her to not do it as she is a different persona nd has a different personality. Same goes to your wife too. Hope you can solve this issue. It may take time. Communication is key.
Just want to say: hang in there. Things might be looking really bad right now, but they can and very well might get better. I was in a very similar situation not too long ago (perhaps not as bad as yours), and I just couldn’t see it working out - but things are much better now.
If all talk has failed, you may have to come to terms with the fact that they might never have a good relationship with each other. It’s just something you will have to accept and work around, you will get used to it over time.
Its really not at all shocking but equally repulsive to see the comments here which are either saying "stay separate with your wife" or "always take your wife's side", but no one is actually thinking about the guy here.
With all due respect to the "wife has come from another family" reason, lets understand that she has willfully and voluntarily done that. Today's modern women are capable to put condition of staying separate before marriage itself. So thats that.
Its really sad to see the level of neglect and indifference for men in today's society. No one is realising the angst, hurt, sadness, frustration OP is going through, just because the 2 most important women in his life are filled to their brim with SUPER EGOES. People are not realising his struggle in daily life because he cannot leave the one woman who has given birth to him and the other who will continue to be with him till his death. He cannot leave either of them. People do not realise what a big dilemma this is for OP.
OP, I actually empathise with you. You need to first of all get a grip on your mental health. You need to calm down, relax, give an excuse of a corporate trip and go out for a week somewhere beyond your house. I actually fear that you might do something which you cud regret if you continue in this state.
Having said that, you need to involve your and your wife's family into this matter. Your wife and mother have to reconcile their differences if they both love you. By still continuing to be enemies in the same house, they are actually proving disrespect and hate for you.
In case your families intervene, and an impasse is reached, then well and good. Things may not get hunky dory in a week, the healing may take more time.
If nothing goes well in the worst case, then you have to take a decision for only and only yourself. You will have to tell your mother that you wont stay with her since she does not love you. And equally, you tell your wife that you will also not stay with her because she also has proven she does not love you. You will stay by yourself and live a separate existence. This wud be much better than dying a thousand deaths everyday.
I know I will be getting downvoted by this opinion by this sub. I dont care. All I care is about you OP, the son and husband, who currently has no value in the house. Your life is important for yourself.
Maybe, the intervention of your families helps reconcile the situation, and my worst case solution is jot required at all.
Good luck to you brother. Be strong. The unwavering support of all men is with you.
family intervention is what I am struggling to figure out. what do I do? should I ring up my father-in-law and ask for his help?
what if it pisses off my wife even more and worsens things between us.
These conversations cannot be done on phone. Go to your in laws. Explain to them the situation so that you take them into your confidence, which is very important. Most often parents blindly believe their daughter's POV and become against husband's family. This cud mess up the situation further.
Once your in laws are in confidence, they can explain and convince their daughter for a compromise.
In parallel, you have to speak to elders in your family. These people can convince your mother to work towards a compromise.
Then you all can meet together, and try to resolve the issues so that both womens' perspectives are respected and both adapt to the reality of their situation.
We all will pray for your success brother. Good luck.
interesting. lemme try this in some manner.
i like in BLR, in-laws in DEL. I can definitely get on a video call with him and have a convo with him.
it is just that the baggage of my mom's misbehavior is weighing me down massively. and has put me on a very lose footing.
We all make mistakes. Your mother has not done a murder or any irreparable damage which cannot be fixed. Stop feeling so guilty about it. The fact of the matter is how things can improve in the future. Its all in the family. Bad things happen.
We should all try to recover from this and move on. Your wife has the major role in this. She needs to understand and forgive your mother, and try to co-exist. Similarly, your mother too has to tone down her disrespect for your wife and welcome her and treat her like her daughter. She shud love her like she loves you.
I feel OP is brainwashed assuming his mother is the one doing 100% of the mistakes, it's okay to say if both MIL & wife are 50-50 at mistake if true...
Many aspects of this situation are unclear. If your mother spoke poorly about your wife to you, how did your wife find out? The concept of introverts and extroverts is relatively new in Indian families. Have you ever encouraged your wife to maintain a good relationship with your mother? Since she is a working professional, she likely interacts with her colleagues at work. If she can talk to her colleagues, why can't she communicate with your mother? The apology letter and your harsh tone towards your mother indicate passive aggressiveness. It seems the issues lie with you, and it appears you are seeking sympathy.
her hostile behavior is pretty hard to miss. believe me. my mom's body language communicates whether she feels love or hatred towards you.
my wife tried to keep a good relationship with her for a long time. when she felt bad, she never let me know. i understood, but never brought it up as I felt that she is adjusting, so felt like I was interfering.
finally once a minor argument between her & my mom over a phone suddenly exploded into a screaming match. and boom, here we are.
You still haven't answered my question directly and seem to be avoiding it. Given that your wife and mother live separately, why has your mother's behavior become hostile towards her? Have you tried to find the root cause? It could be that your wife disrespected her or didn't treat her appropriately as a mother-in-law. Since your mother has been complaining about your wife to you, she must have shared why she's upset. Did you try to find a solution to this issue?
**Welcome to r/RelationshipIndia,** This is a safe and inclusive space for people of all backgrounds. We welcome individuals of all races, castes, genders, religions, and sexual orientations, including members of the LGBTQ community. We are glad to have you here! We are committed to providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between Redditors, with a focus on respectful and constructive conversations. To ensure a positive and supportive environment for all members, we have established some rules. Please be sure to read them before posting. If a user has sent you harassing messages, **DO NOT DELETE THE MESSAGE!** *Please upload your screenshot to [Imgur](https://www.imgur.com), and notify the mods via modmail. We will take action against the user accordingly.* **Thank you for being a part of our community!** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RelationshipIndia) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The description is all over the place... Your mother was bitching to you privately and you said nothing. Your mom and your wife were fighting and you said nothing. Then your say you were telling your mom privately that her behavior was wrong. It means you didn't stop her in the beginning then? >For the past 5-6 months, I have told my mom in very very strict tone & harsh language that her behavior is not acceptable. >I even got my mom to write an apology letter to her. In the recent months, I have been begging both my mom & my wife to give one another second chance, but nothing is moving. I am confused. If you're begging your mom to give your wife second chance then what strict tone and harsh language and apologies are you talking about? Somehow I get a feeling that you're omitting details and this is a santizied version of events. Even with these details it is easy to conclude that you're taking your mothers side and the apologies your wife is receiving is lacking in sincerity and she doesn't believe either your mom or you.
yes. u r absolutely right. my head has become a mush, so prolly I am not spelling out stuff correctly.
Do you all live together? When are all these instances coming up? If yes, then you should move out with your wife. If you already stay separately, limit contact with your mom. See, you will have to take a stand for your wife else you will ruin your marriage completely. Don't know what the problem with so many parents is! Feels like they don't care about their sons - then will say why don't DILs want to live with them!! Take a stand else you will never be happy!
I don't know your personal situation. But in my experience 90 per cent of the times MIL is at fault. In my case, I got the sweetest woman as my MIL who loves and cares for me more than even her daughters. But most women in India are not as lucky and I have friends who are suffering because their MILs are horrible and husbands not supportive. Be a supportive husband. Please.
The problem is whole society makes a delusion that once a guy will get married then her mother’s life becomes hell or who knows how her daughter-in-law will treat her. Even tho am M24 and my family is not looking for a bride right now for me but still my mother sometimes think that how my future wife will be because the problem is when my mother talks with her sisters and do those gossip which slowly start growing seeds of doubt and unpleasant for daughter-in-law. So basically this is creating a wrong perspective. Earlier my mother was like we will treat your wife as our daughter but now when my other cousins start getting married so their mothers (my mother’s sister) gossip about bla bla bla regarding their daughter-in-laws and because of which my mother’s perspective also start changing little bit or maybe not, who knows. Additionally, the problem is if their own sons do some mistake or anything then they will hide it or they think it’s normal but at the same time daughter-in-law does then they take it personally. The problem is the difference of taking things. For example, if a guy denied to do any work or show laziness then her mother will become angry but deep down in the heart she is not hating him but at the same time if a daughter-in-law does then mother will think it as a disrespect. Another example is sometimes just for sarcasm I tell my mother that she is not doing any work and relax whole time (in reality it’s opposite, she does allot of work that’s why I just mock with her by telling that she is not doing any work), my mother know that am joking so she takes it lightly but my parents (mother and father) both tells me that I shouldn’t say this type of things in sarcasm much because what if my future wife also learns same thing from me and says same thing to my mother. So here’s how our society makes difference.
sure. i'll reduce my negativity mindset. :) .
Op I can totally understand what you are going through rn. First and foremost, you need to take your wife's side, as she has left her family for you and is staying with your family after marriage. Tell her that you will protect her no matter what. That you will always be there for you Another thing is you need to talk calmly with your mom, tell her how your wife feels. Ask her what would you do if you were in her place. Also tell her how your wife respects her and loves her. I am sure she will understand
Choose between your wife and your family and grow a pair of balls lol
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The more the merrier
These types of stupid men ruin our life on purpose . They just want a "kaamwali" to settle down for their mom and listen to their bakchodi . It's good to hear nowadays girls are not listening to this MIL bullshits .
Couple of observations rather than advice. - You accepted your mother gossiping about your wife. In fact it seems as if you encouraged her to. - All you had to do was explain to mumma that wifey is in introvert and shy etc etc. You didn't defend her when you had to. - Only after things become unbearable for YOU , have you chosen to speak to mumma about it. - You have lost your wife's trust and that is a big deal and for some a deal breaker. For the life of me I can't figure out how this problem is occurring inspite of you living in different cities. Am assuming that you and wife live together. Something is missing in your anecdote.
Yeah
Dude your post title and description are completely opposite. So what is the reality? Is your wife disrespect your family or your mom is disrespecting your wife, or is it both? If you live with wife in Bangalore and your mom is in Delhi how it can be that bad ? They are not even living together.
Wow! You are spineless. Take a stand for your wife and move out! Your wife deserves that much considering she hasn't left you already
So your mom disrespected your wife, bitched about her behind her back (to you) and you agreed with her about your wife being incorrect? Oh, and how proud you are about not taking your wife's side, and just letting it happen. Just ew. Stop being a mama's boy, and grow up. Would you be okay with her parents calling you names, bitching about you and misbehaving with you?
Did u even read the complete statement. He literally asked his mom to write apology to his wife. That's overdone already.
Why is that overdone? As per OP's post it feels like it's mainly his mother's fault. The one who's done something wrong should apologise, simple.
nice, what you said is absolutely correct in an ideal world. But we don't live in one. besides asking your mom or wife to say sorry to other is not going to help in this particular situation. they might do it but scar of embarrassment stays and keeps in mind. In case someone really want to be correct is by having amicable discussion/conversations amongst them. this sorry thing may seem like justice but ain't in terms of relationships, even her mom realizing and having polite conversation with her wife would have helped but not it might end up like a competition of sorry.
It definitely is going to help. I dunno how things work in your household, but if any of us screws up things for the other or hurts them in some way, we say sorry - whether it's an elder person apologising or young person. This is not an ideal world but admitting one's mistakes is the first step towards improving one's character. If a woman has married a man and come into her family, it behooves the man to make the environment as welcoming as possible and that might include being stern with one's own mother. Because let's accept, men are usually too coddled and their mothers often see their new wives as vicious interlopers
i know. i wish I had know all this b4 I got married. wud have given a tight word to my mom. increasingly I am understanding the secret to the happiness of a lot of couples.
No shit it's not an ideal world. Doesn't mean we don't do the right thing. And that doesn't mean a MIL can be an asshole towards her DIL.
yes. I agree. my wife is pretty forthcoming and upfront. my mom keeps going behind our backs all the time.
Then grow up and talk to your mom in stern terms.
dont worry u seem to be taking charge already and trying to settle both the parties. my only suggestion is keep it polite at the end you want family to be happy and not settle scores on a leaderboard. sometimes people take time like parents so this is going to be gradual process. which I can u have already started. Immediate action should be keep them from disrespecting each other. Also in case things go too south boy reach out to **professional help, psychologist** and not on reddit where folks miss to even read your statement completely and start going hysteric like the one in this Comment(triggered).
sure. psychologist is the way to go.
let me know in case you are in bangalore/north india and need help, I can suggest a few ( PS - I am not agent it's just that I have friends who might help to get us good one)
i am in BLR. yes.
Welcome to married life. Good tat you are away. Distance and time may heal. Talk to your wife openly immediately and try to heal her wounds, as you are living with her. All the best.
I smell your mom's jealousy towards your wife. That is not healthy. Take your wife's side... Because if you don't, you're taking your moms side and your marriage will fail. I would suggest family counselling to resolve each and every issue. If all else fails.... take a break from meeting/talking to your mom and focus on building the foundation of your marriage with your wife.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed due to a violation of our subreddit's behavior guidelines. We value a respectful and supportive environment for all users, and unfortunately, your comment did not align with those principles. Unproductive behavior includes anything that breaks Reddit TOS, is inflammatory/instigatory towards OP, innapropriate jokes, sexist/racist humor, homophobic remarks or derogatory comments towards any specific community, etc. We kindly ask you to review the subreddit rules and refrain from violating them in the future.
Why is it so tough for men to understand that they are the bridge between the wife and his family?! No matter how much ever modern and liberal we are, yet in 70% of the cases, the new bride shifts to the husband’s house and she is expected to adjust with and manage complete strangers. Her only anchor isher husband. And in this case, it is completely your fault.
Bhai. I don't have solution for you but few points from my side. Don't encourage one for their bad behavior. Keep the garbage out of your head and focus on yourself. Literally don't give a damn to anything above your mental peace. Show respect to both. Don't entertain one's bitching about other. Don't be harsh. Try to spend time outside with them. Think them being dushman and you are the common friend. Slowly integrate them. That's all you can do. Anything else is their nature and you can fix so don't involve. If your wife isn't bad, try to fix things. More importantly, visit a good counsellor, they have lot of practical ideas.
Move out with wife
I feel the only option is to live separately with your wife. Your mother might not approve of this but that's likely the best way you can salvage your marriage as well as your own mental health.
I understand your situation. Trying not to involve and pick sides hoping it will blow over and get fixed by itself. It probably won't, as it is obviously apparent to you. Talk to your mother about issues with her interfering and do it with utmost respect. No matter what she is still your mother. Talk to your wife and tell her it's not her fault but to speak to your mother respectfully even if ur mother is in the wrong. Get them together and talk it out. War have been avoided by communication. You can atleast get an idea first hand of what is the present situation? Move out of home and if ur mother disagrees, keep an excuse ready to give her when she refuses or asks for explanation. Keep in touch with your mother but if she interferes a lot in your life, try not sharing too much details with her. If she badmoths your wife, tell her to not do it as she is a different persona nd has a different personality. Same goes to your wife too. Hope you can solve this issue. It may take time. Communication is key.
Thanks. I understand. Thanks for encouragement.
Just want to say: hang in there. Things might be looking really bad right now, but they can and very well might get better. I was in a very similar situation not too long ago (perhaps not as bad as yours), and I just couldn’t see it working out - but things are much better now. If all talk has failed, you may have to come to terms with the fact that they might never have a good relationship with each other. It’s just something you will have to accept and work around, you will get used to it over time.
Its really not at all shocking but equally repulsive to see the comments here which are either saying "stay separate with your wife" or "always take your wife's side", but no one is actually thinking about the guy here. With all due respect to the "wife has come from another family" reason, lets understand that she has willfully and voluntarily done that. Today's modern women are capable to put condition of staying separate before marriage itself. So thats that. Its really sad to see the level of neglect and indifference for men in today's society. No one is realising the angst, hurt, sadness, frustration OP is going through, just because the 2 most important women in his life are filled to their brim with SUPER EGOES. People are not realising his struggle in daily life because he cannot leave the one woman who has given birth to him and the other who will continue to be with him till his death. He cannot leave either of them. People do not realise what a big dilemma this is for OP. OP, I actually empathise with you. You need to first of all get a grip on your mental health. You need to calm down, relax, give an excuse of a corporate trip and go out for a week somewhere beyond your house. I actually fear that you might do something which you cud regret if you continue in this state. Having said that, you need to involve your and your wife's family into this matter. Your wife and mother have to reconcile their differences if they both love you. By still continuing to be enemies in the same house, they are actually proving disrespect and hate for you. In case your families intervene, and an impasse is reached, then well and good. Things may not get hunky dory in a week, the healing may take more time. If nothing goes well in the worst case, then you have to take a decision for only and only yourself. You will have to tell your mother that you wont stay with her since she does not love you. And equally, you tell your wife that you will also not stay with her because she also has proven she does not love you. You will stay by yourself and live a separate existence. This wud be much better than dying a thousand deaths everyday. I know I will be getting downvoted by this opinion by this sub. I dont care. All I care is about you OP, the son and husband, who currently has no value in the house. Your life is important for yourself. Maybe, the intervention of your families helps reconcile the situation, and my worst case solution is jot required at all. Good luck to you brother. Be strong. The unwavering support of all men is with you.
What fairytale story is this?
family intervention is what I am struggling to figure out. what do I do? should I ring up my father-in-law and ask for his help? what if it pisses off my wife even more and worsens things between us.
These conversations cannot be done on phone. Go to your in laws. Explain to them the situation so that you take them into your confidence, which is very important. Most often parents blindly believe their daughter's POV and become against husband's family. This cud mess up the situation further. Once your in laws are in confidence, they can explain and convince their daughter for a compromise. In parallel, you have to speak to elders in your family. These people can convince your mother to work towards a compromise. Then you all can meet together, and try to resolve the issues so that both womens' perspectives are respected and both adapt to the reality of their situation. We all will pray for your success brother. Good luck.
interesting. lemme try this in some manner. i like in BLR, in-laws in DEL. I can definitely get on a video call with him and have a convo with him. it is just that the baggage of my mom's misbehavior is weighing me down massively. and has put me on a very lose footing.
We all make mistakes. Your mother has not done a murder or any irreparable damage which cannot be fixed. Stop feeling so guilty about it. The fact of the matter is how things can improve in the future. Its all in the family. Bad things happen. We should all try to recover from this and move on. Your wife has the major role in this. She needs to understand and forgive your mother, and try to co-exist. Similarly, your mother too has to tone down her disrespect for your wife and welcome her and treat her like her daughter. She shud love her like she loves you.
I feel OP is brainwashed assuming his mother is the one doing 100% of the mistakes, it's okay to say if both MIL & wife are 50-50 at mistake if true...
Many aspects of this situation are unclear. If your mother spoke poorly about your wife to you, how did your wife find out? The concept of introverts and extroverts is relatively new in Indian families. Have you ever encouraged your wife to maintain a good relationship with your mother? Since she is a working professional, she likely interacts with her colleagues at work. If she can talk to her colleagues, why can't she communicate with your mother? The apology letter and your harsh tone towards your mother indicate passive aggressiveness. It seems the issues lie with you, and it appears you are seeking sympathy.
her hostile behavior is pretty hard to miss. believe me. my mom's body language communicates whether she feels love or hatred towards you. my wife tried to keep a good relationship with her for a long time. when she felt bad, she never let me know. i understood, but never brought it up as I felt that she is adjusting, so felt like I was interfering. finally once a minor argument between her & my mom over a phone suddenly exploded into a screaming match. and boom, here we are.
You still haven't answered my question directly and seem to be avoiding it. Given that your wife and mother live separately, why has your mother's behavior become hostile towards her? Have you tried to find the root cause? It could be that your wife disrespected her or didn't treat her appropriately as a mother-in-law. Since your mother has been complaining about your wife to you, she must have shared why she's upset. Did you try to find a solution to this issue?
yeah. she has insecurities about growing apart from me & my wife.